D&D is For Nerds - Into the Island Jungle of Dendar #5 Gary

Episode Date: December 8, 2018

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Sands Pants Radio, why can't the moon come to us? Hey, so I just want to let you know that this Melbourne International Comedy Festival, I'm going to be hosting the quiz show equivalent of eating a poisonous lizard. It'll be me hosting with a bunch of Sands Pants people and comedians and contestants, and if I do my job right, no one will be happy. So either head to the International Comedy Festival website, or our own website, sandspantsradio.com forward slash live and grab your tickets today.

Welcome to episode five of Into the Jungle Island of Dendar. A D&D is for nerds adventure. Previously. You eventually arrive back at the town. It's a couple hours walk from where you washed up. Then she walks away before anyone can tell her that inforations is not a word.

I like that word. I'm going to use it from now on. I'm going to carve it into a sign and then cross it out. Well, we found ourselves in the same spot of water that maybe you have too, where we are on this island. But we're feeling hopeful, as is the name of the town. And look, end of the day, we're some good dudes. We'd love to help out if we can help out at all.

I see you're treating people. That's really nice. Oh, gosh, guys. I think it's our duty to help these people. Why, we're just like them. Is there anything you can do? Because I'd so much rather not chop down trees. And he's going to try. Like, he'll just keep getting stronger people.

I'm sure we're not... She's just consulting her spells. Yeah, the dryad can direct you towards some boulders. Cool. Thanks, the forest. You're welcome. The forest, Kelly. She melds back into the tree.

Well, that was so cool. I didn't know you could do that. Yeah, no, it's pretty sick. He should be a druid. I understand his position, but it's good that we don't need... This didn't come to blows or anything. Goody, Molto, and Luna, you have all been straining unsuccessfully to move boulders to fill gaps in the village walls.

You try again. Goody? Ah, Goody, you aren't so good this time. I have not had a drink for at least 12 hours. Molto bene. You are still doing pretty well, but this time conditions are not as favorable. The hill isn't as steep.

You maybe break the big stick that you were using before and have to use a thinner stick that you're more careful with. And Lunabon, you get your one back. Does Seahole get her one back? Oh, Seahole is maybe just helping someone else. I'd say maybe actually you, Motobene, she's helping you. Even with her help, you're still having trouble. I will now get

Motobene and Goody. Can I get you both to make a highs or lows call? Highs. Highs? I will also go highs. Have I explained this to you, Shanks? Do you know what I'm about to do? Yeah. A luck check. Oh, right. Sorry, I thought you meant highs or lows.

I'm like, oh, that's pretty self-explanatory. So basically, I'm figuring out whether or not you guys are... So the first time, you got all your boulders back pretty quickly. There wasn't a lot that could have hampered you or a lot of encounters that you could have had. Now that you've been here for a little while, though, stuck on this second boulder, both of you have a chance to encounter something in the wild.

We're not alone. We've got... Yeah, there are citizens with you, but there are more things to... Can I be with the fucking racist? Which one? Dr. Ant. Oh, Dr. Ant.

Yeah, sure. Great. Most of these people are just kind of like citizens, more something to protect rather than to help you in a fight Did you say highs or lows? I said highs Highs, alright, and highs or lows? I said highs as well

How much trouble are we in, Adam? I'm just trying to roll something that's not going to outright destroy you Yeah, that's fine Oh no Wait, but we said highs, so Oh, he's getting, sorry, Molto Bene is getting an encounter You were fortunate enough to not's getting... Sorry, Molto Bene is getting an encounter. You were fortunate enough to not.

Fuck your ass. Sorry, man. If you're about to die, I have all of these. I got Seahole with me anyway, so we're good. Yeah, that's true, you do. Yes. I've got Dr. Ant. If there was going to be an encounter, I was going to let him die.

Dr. Ant. Dr. Ant. He's an ant. He's got no pants. I don't want to... He lives. Dr. Ant. Dr. Ant. He's an ant. He's got no pants. He lives in France with his aunts. I should have said France. And then ants. You can hear in the distance. Excuse me.

Seahaw transforms back into her elven original form. And looking into the wilderness, she gestures at you and, like, gestures to get low. And she says, shh. Do you get low? I get low. I already was kind of there. Get low, get low. Do you go from the window?

To the wall? Do the sweat drip down your balls? Balls? To the wall! To the sweat drip down my butt! down your balls balls i can't sing all of it otherwise we'll get uh arrested arrested for bad music making so yeah i'm down on the ground all right you and seahall are both competent enough at stealth uh all halflings have a natural innate gift for stealth and seahall is a druid and so is knows what looks out of place and what disguises itself well in a forest situation two giant wasps slowly drift past you there's not much to describe about them other than

the fact that they are giant wasps. How big are they? Like, a giant wasp could be the size of a man. Oh, yeah, I see what you mean. They're about the size of a man. Whoa! Yeah, big. I do not like this island. Man wasp. They just slowly drift past, unless you're going to do anything.

It's that new Marvel film. Man wasp and Dr. Ant. Man wasp and Dr. Ant. Dr. Ant and Doctor Ant. Man Wasp and Doctor Ant. Doctor Ant and the Man Wasp. This is so good. I would watch the shit out of that. It's like a case of the week procedure where he's like solving cases. Yeah, he's in forensics.

Yeah, yeah. And Man Wasp's the detective. Who doesn't play by the rules. No. Doesn't play by the rules. The other one also doesn't play by the rules doesn't play by the rules the other one also doesn't play by the rules they're a perfect matchup there is no inter-character conflict at all

I feel like everyone in the power of authority is like, nah, who gave this aunt a PhD? it's not even a medical PhD he has a PhD in literature technically still a doctor. Counts. I riff all of that to Seahawks. Seahawks nods intently. She seems somewhat

distracted by the giant wasp situation, but she also appreciates your comedy. Oh, great. I hold her hand for a minute. She makes a two. Oh, great. I hold her hand for a minute. She makes a two. Oh, my gosh. Maybe this is where I give my love letter. That's a love letter given to you.

I could cross out the names. It's recyclable. She's one who is okay with crossing out things on a sign. She understands. She doesn't mind crossing out a name. We all make errors in the moment when we write the wrong name down and then think about it a bit later.

So, after the giant wasps have passed. This is so funny. Just like two giant wasps go past and nothing happens. It's just introducing the characters of two giant wasps hanging out presumably in wasp ease being like yeah so it's been a while since i've seen sharon um it's just been really hard since we lost the kids and then they just leave and they're out of our lives forever look sometimes real life is just like that and dnd is nothing if not real life is just like that And D&D is nothing if not real life Anyway, Seahall turns back into a giant horse

And you attempt to move the boulder again I hold a hoof for a minute She makes a tooth Can you please give her that letter? You get your boulder back And Goody, you get your boulder back Beautiful Goody you get your boulder back Beautiful The town is now shored up

All the holes have been plugged in As best as they can Some work will need to be done on the boulders Right now they're just kind of like rolled And then pressed up against the holes in the wall But Linus assures you that with some time He can carve them into a better fit for the walls. You should get that dwarf to help you out.

Aren't they good at rocks? I suppose. I'll ask him, but I'm sure I can do it on my own. Fair enough. I thought you just should put him to work. He seems pretty busy. Linus gazes over towards the boarded up building. What's he doing over there?

Treating the sick. That's right. He ducked around. What's he doing over there? Treating the sick. That's right, he's Dr. Rand. What? No, Dr. Rand. Drant is a Isn't Drant a dwarf? Drant is also a dwarf. Oh, that's the dwarf! I like Garth. Garth is not racist that I know of yet.

Alright, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. Drant helps Linus out, actually. Yeah, yeah, no, that makes sense. Sorry, have I just forgotten Is his name Drant or is it Dr. Ant? Is Dr. Ant a joke? Dr. Ant is a joke that you guys made His name's Dr. Ant

Does he actually have a doctorate? No, he does not But we don't know that he doesn't I suppose, true Okay, cool Dr. Ant It'll upset Adam Yeah, that's good

The point of the game. That stare, just into the void. Are you going to go see Miss Greenchapel, or have you come to a decision vis-a-vis burning the sick? I think we should maybe talk about this again. Yes. Yeah. We don't have any new ideas, do we?

Everyone's feeling the same. What are you feeling? Well, I mean, I am... I can set things on fire. It makes sense from a logical perspective, but it would not sit well with me to burn an entire group of people if there was an alternative solution. However, I do not know if this solution will be helpful at all.

Have we found out where the waterhole is? No. You could ask someone pretty easily, though. Like, if you are in the town, you know what you know. Yes, you do know. Is it within the forest? Could we ask the Dryad for help? You could, if you wanted to.

Or perhaps we could do that. Maybe we could just get some more information and find out what's happening. Do we want to find out what Greenchapel wants? And then we can do two things at once if we have to. Or are we just going to fuck her entire quest off? No, let's find out what she wants. I mean, we can multitask. We are flexible people.

Yeah, I guess. I have 18 dexterity. I am very flexible. I have eight acrobatics. You are also very flexible. Oh, really? Yeah, nice. Oh, man, you're more acrobatic than I am. I'm I have eight acrobatics. You are also very flexible. Yeah, nice. You're more acrobatic than I am. I'm only going to six.

Did I tell you? I told you this last week. I was in a production company. This is a little... Did I tell you this? I don't think I've heard this. It's not much of a story. I was in a production company and it was on a table.

There was a pile of CVs. And on the top, there was a CV of a kid actor. And he just looked like the worst. Yes, you have told me have told me this this is amazing well he's just like the worst he was like some kid was like hey what's up his name was probably like like hunter or something you know like blonde like kid like professional headshots see exactly jayden hunter uh brad oh brad brad's good uh jonathan Jonathan Taylor Thomas, something like that Anyway, it just said like My special skills include Acrobatics, flexibility Cricket and hip hop

The cricket makes that Yeah, the cricket is great Like cricket and hip hop together Like side by side in a list is great But also being like, I want them to hire a son What can he do? He's pretty fucking flexible. Put it down!

And then write that down. And this is just like casting, being like, I really need a flexible fast bowler who can freestyle a couple of verses. Who's going to star in our hit series Crick Hop?

The acrobatics of Crick Hop. Crick Hop, let's get wicked. The acrobatics of child Crick Hop. Getting jiggy wicked. Getting jiggy wicked. Jesus Christ, that's so good. What are we doing here? Let's go make that show.

That's the next D&D campaign. Do you still have that guy's CV? I didn't steal a child's CV. He was walking out with photos of this kid. I'll cast him in my dreams. You've been told. We told you.

Anytime you see an interesting CV, you need to bring it to us. Steal it. I don't care what you see an interesting CV, you need to bring it to us. Steal it. I don't care what you're going to do. CV stands for child violator. Dungeons and Dragons, eh? What does Miss Greenchapel want? So you head to Miss Greenchapel's hut, I suppose.

There's a pleasant smell that the town has always kind of had in the background, but as you get closer to her house, it becomes very powerful. It's the smell of a freshly baked apple pie. And sure enough, when you get to her house, there's several of them lined on a windowsill. Are there cats walking around

just, like, smelling them? Are we floating on the scent? No. Not literally, maybe around just like are we are we floating on the scent no not literally maybe figuratively like toes at the front there's a veggie patch as well that looks well tended to there's uh tomatoes and cucumbers and such like that planted in it and there's a it looks like an open air kitchen the kitchen room has had the walls well just never built but there's a an area a kitchen area that is just open to anyone and uh there's like bits and pieces it looks like it looks like the it looks like miss green chapel is mid baking something uh you can hear a pleasant humming inside the building. She sounds like fun.

I'm going to get some of this horn apple pie. I like that pleasant humming. Is it like human humming? Yeah, it's someone humming a song. Great. I pull out my lute and I figure out what key it's in and I just kind of play chords underneath it. Ooh, visitors. It's everyone's nan!

Miss Greenchapel opens the door. She's obviously carrying a tray. She opens the door with her foot, kicking the back of it and opening it up. She spins outwards. At first you think she's a halfling because she's small, but then you realise she's a goblin. Oh, I love her. Carrying a tray of cookies.

Mrs. Greenchapel? Hello there. Hi. I would like a cookie before we begin, please. Please. Oh, yes. Oh, me too. No conversations on an empty stomach.

No kidding. What's in these cookies? I want a cookie in real life. Are you asking Mrs. Greenchapel? I've got a specific dietary requirement i need that they were made with love and i have a little fight she she laughs and i go i laugh but i've got cookie in my mouth then everything here should be safe for you i i i i nestle up on the floor like a cat you're not inside yet you you go inside she's tried to make

her home as nice as possible and of all the dwellings you've seen it definitely is the most homeliest she's taken whatever drab bits and pieces of cloth that she could find and restitched them into doilies and covers for her chairs and such. There's little pictures of goblin children running around chasing dogs on all of them. You have a very beautiful house. Oh, thank you. Is this your family? Are they also on the island? No, I'm sorry.

I came here. Sorry, I just had an idea that this is like a little misright, a little red riding hood that's gotten out of hand where like, like this goblin killed a Nana and then like dressed up in it. But now it's been doing that for like a century and it's just become this character. What a nice house you have. All the better to home you in. Just never found a good opportunity.

Then just kind of forgot yeah and now it's like i prefer this actually this isn't so bad um there's a a big you can see through the window into the kitchen there's a big cookbook open and the cookbook is written in goblin which is like it's the most garish looking thing in the entire household goblin kind of almost looks like someone was just scratching on the page it's not even written in ink as well but it definitely is a cookbook there there are diagrams or pictures of the various different foods it's a very worn cookbook well then dungeons and dragons is one of those dumb things where like often in fantasy like a god like like uh you know the normal characters will eat, like, cakes and pies and sweet things.

And the goblins will be like, yuck, I prefer to eat rat brains on poo. Yeah, D&D does a bit of that. I think the implication is the goblins will largely eat anything. So rat brains on poo is just something that is easier for them to get than homemade cookies. So, it's what they'll tend towards, but I think so. I think, actually, from memory, kobolds have a different intestinal tract. And so, when they're eating, kobolds are tiny little dragon creatures. Like, dragons will never acknowledge that they're related in any way.

They kind of are but uh yeah cobbles will tank little dragon creatures they have a different intestinal tract so when they're eating dragon when they're eating rat brains on poo it's it's because they can't process cookies right what an awful existence yeah like cookie oh sorry no i can't process that I know I can't process that. Just shit in my mouth. Ah. Ah, much better.

Fresh. I don't like the taste, but it goes in my guts. I like that the other person in the scenario is like, yeah, all right. They're friends. Well, it's normal to them, I guess, isn't it? I suppose, yeah. That's the long, boring answer to an interesting question. A kobold centipede would just be fine.

Yeah, they're infinite food. No, I think they're shit cookies. I think that's how that works. Right. Oh, beautiful. Yeah, that makes sense. Oh, like the human centipede. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Not the animal centipede. No. I got that confusion at first as well. Yeah. I got it straight away. Nice. Gross boys. I've not seen that movie.

I just winked with both my eyes. But actually, it didn't quite close either. I just made the noise that you make when you accompany a wink. Just like... That was horrifying. No, it's perfect for audio medium. Oh, good. Anyway.

What does she want? Well, first off, you sit down to a delightful meal with scones and tea with her. Oh, man. Now I want to do this. I'm so hungry. Over the course of the meal, she explains that she cooks all, she handles all of the food in the village. If people eat, they're typically eating something that she's made or grown. Some other people, like Seahall, has kind of basically dietary requirements.

She's vegan. So she doesn't tend to eat a lot of the stuff that Miss Whitechapel makes. But Greenchapel, sorry. Miss Greenchapel makes. But she does often make things with produce that Greenchapel has grown. So in a way, she feeds everyone in town kind of no matter what. Miss Greenchapel, I don't mean to impose, but is there any chance you've got some alcohol around? Not for me, see, but my buddy Goody here really has a taste for it.

How's all those, Goody? Lows? Lucky boys. She gives you like a little bit of a sly wink and she says, Oh, yes, well, naughty boys don't get a drink, but I can see you're old enough, I think, for a little bit of a snifter. Oh, thank Christ. She walks over.

I don't know what your Christ is. She walks over. Thank you, Coblin Jesus. She walks over, opens a little cupboard, and then moves some glassware aside, and up the back there's a bottle of elven wine. She grabs that, takes it out, pops the cork on it. It was perfectly preserved, and pours you a glass.

Well, this is the finest tasting elvish wine I think I've ever had. Thank you very much, Miss Greenchapel. And thank you, Malto, for thinking of me. This is very nice. No worries. And I wink, but don't close my eyes, but make the sound when I wink. That's so disturbing. I mean, I know.

I hold his hand for a minute. I'm always a... I do a two-stage sound, so do it, and I wink. I just did... Wow. Oh, that's weird. Yeah, I do it single. You did wink, and now I don't like that.

I winked, and I opened my mouth. Yeah. And now I'm back into it. I really, really got to sell the wink. You need to start off with your eyes open. You just went... All right. Yeah, yeah, this is me eyes open. You just went. All right. Yeah, this is me

winking. This is the worst start-up podcast. Have you ever seen, just talking about how this is the worst podcast ever, how Rihanna

can't wink? No. Can she not There's a lot of, when we're done recording, we'll show you. She can't wink and

it's very funny. Does she often try to wink? Yes. Yes. She... When we're done recording, we'll show you. She can't wink and it's very funny. Does she often try to wink? Yes. Yes. She winks with her mouth. It's like, oh, no. She does it with both eyes. She blinks a lot.

It's very funny. Oh, that's very funny. I blink sometimes if I use the wrong eye. Anyway, we're playing a game of D&D. Thank you for this lovely drink. What can we do for you, Miss Grinchapple? Well, some miscreant has been stealing from me. Well, that's just no darn good.

I'm very careful to make sure that we have enough food for everyone. And it's a dreadful problem when someone's coming along and taking a very carefully proportioned set of meals. What are they taking? Anything they can. Food from my windowsill. My kitchen is obviously open. I've never had this problem before. I take it back, Adam.

Two voices. Thank you. I've never had such a problem before. They take from my kitchen. They take from my flower bed garden bed veggie patch whatever you want to call it do they does this happen often most nights now it's been happening for a couple of weeks and are you i don't mean to sound rude but are you sure you're feeding everyone in town i'm quite certain i am you've been feeding the animals? Oh, we have a stable hand who feeds the animals.

Hmm. Have you been feeding the stable hand? The chickens I feed, but he feeds the cattle and the horses. And they're not often want to take an apple pie. I would be shocked if a cow were coming in and taking something from the pantry. Well, I've seen weirder things, so open mind. Sounds like we've got a stakeout on our hands. Stakeout, stakeout.

I'm sure that they strike sometime at night, maybe after midnight. I try as hard as I can to stay up all night, but I tend to fall asleep around 1 a.m. I cannot stay a minute later. I can stay up as long as I've got a little midnight snack. I can stay up as long as I need, as long as my glass is mostly full. She gives you both a cheeky grin and a wink, and she says...

What noise does she make? Silent wink. Let me get closer so the mic can pick it up. That was the sound of two eyelids clapping. So, what's the plan? Well, I think we can take this opportunity to have a steak out, eat some delicious baked goods and drink some more of this wine and discuss proposals moving forward vis-a-vis the burning down the house situation.

Is there like a rooftop lookout kind of place? You could be on the roof if you wanted to, yeah. I think I'd like to be on the roof. Yes. Alternatively, I can wait inside. You can be on the roof. You can go talk to the wood lady. We don't need to speak with her.

And you could ask her about the vis-a-vis burning people situation. That sounds like an excellent plan. I'll go do that. What can we have in plans now that I've had some alcohol? It's almost like I'm a high-functioning alcoholic, but I'm not. I'm never going to admit that problem. No, no, no. If you say that you're a high-functioning alcoholic, then it's not a problem.

Right? Correct. That's my philosopher. All right. Let's go to the forest. Okay. So, wait, who's going to the forest? The two of us.

Yes. All right. Cool, cool, cool. I's going to the forest? The two of us. Yes. All right, cool, cool, cool. I'll stay at the house and keep an eye out. I'm also a good fighter, so if I have to fight and disarm the boy. Oh, no, I think we'll be back before the thief comes, won't we? Oh, surely. What's the time? I would have said that you guys maybe just partially from collapse,

exhaustion, have had a long sleep after you guys fixed the wall. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Around then, it would have been pretty late in the day, so you just would have had to have slept. It might literally have been an exhausted collapse sort of situation as well. Like, one of you just fell over, keeled over. You were just so exhausted. But, yeah, it's...

Definitely, yeah. To answer your question, it's maybe mid-morning right now. Oh, we've got plenty of time. I'm going to come with you then. I think we're just kind of hanging out to drink. Actually, you know what? I'm going to do that.

You won't need me. No, I think we'll be okay. Alright, great. You need this. I do. Early morning, it's All right, some early morning drinking. You need this. I do. Early morning, it's five o'clock somewhere in the morning. Five a.m. somewhere. So you two will go speak to the dryad again, and you're going to stay here and drink.

Yes. Just, you know, to my base level. Yeah. Yeah. Just to get you up. Just to normalize you. Yeah. Just to get you sozz Just to normalize you. Yeah. Just to get me sozzled.

No. No, no, no, no, no. Not on the occasion for that. Nothing ridiculous. I've gone under control. I can stop whenever I want, and I do not want to stop. You just want to forget what your kids look like. I don't even have kids, I think.

On your way to meet the Dryad, you pass a giant pond. In the center of the pond are some lily pads and toads, which you think are normal, but normal sized. But as you walk past them, you realize the lake is a lot bigger than you thought it was. The lily pads are massive and the toads are as big as horses. Hey! Ribbit. Hey, can you hear me? Yes, well ribbit to you how are you doing all right ribbit do you know you're huge the toad that you're looking at looks at the other toad back at you and says no ribbit what are they What are they saying? He doesn't know he's big.

I go, ribbit. Ribbit. He says ribbit back. Yes. Is this the lake? You don't know. Oh, no, you do know. This is Hazel O's.

Hi. This is the lake, actually. Whoa. Hey, we've heard that there's a disease being given by something in this lake. Do you know anything about spreading diseases? No, ribbit. You get the impression. So, your ability to speak to animals does not impart them any extra intelligence or wisdom.

You could try to explain what you're trying to say to them, but you feel like on a fundamental level, they cannot understand disease as a thing. If I licked one of them, would I go on a trip? Probably not one you'd like. Right. We're going on a trip now. Isn't that good enough? Yeah, it's fine. I've been on a trip this whole time.

We were on a boat earlier. I guess. You've been on a trip this whole time. You're back on the Titanic, you just dropped acid. You just licked a frog and you're sitting in the corner. Bad trip. To fucking tell you what. I'm not there. Fuck.

I keep forgetting. You're getting sozzled. Are there any other creatures that live in this lake here? Yes. Ribbit. Can you show them to me? So, you know. Can you show them to me? So, you know that the rabbit's not... The rabbit. The toad is not going to distinguish between what you're interested in

and literally every creature that lives in this pond. Yes. Are you prepared for this? Yes. All right. So, what are you doing when they don't return after several hours?

Huh. Is it almost dusk? It's maybe... How long are you willing to wait? Okay, well, like, if he starts going through every personal animal, I'll be like... Which he will. Just the types, just the types of animals. I don't know if he'll understand that. He won't.

You can tell. He's not... It's a toad. It's not intelligent. Ask him if there's anything here that he's afraid of. Are you scared of anything in this lake? Yes, Rebbit. Which one? He lists every animal in the lake. He's very afraid. Like, maybe.

Johnny's always been a bully since toad school. You know, when he transferred to that old amphibious school. Oh, so posh. Oh, man. We're over here just at the toad school. He's hanging out with salamanders and extra models. What bad. That just fucking sucks.

I'm sorry. Oh, no. I should have come with you. I should have come. This is going to be such an easy one. Yeah, I thought we were just talking to the lady. Talking to the tree. Yeah, mate, that's what I thought you were doing.

I thought you were going to the lady to find out where the lake was. But the toad gestures Towards the shallow end of the water And says scared of that ribbit Scared of that ribbit You wander over to where he gestured And get on your hands and knees To look into the water

And you see your reflection Looking back at you But something past your reflection looking back at you but something past your reflection. You see this boy. Oh, he's gross. He's a little velociraptory. Yeah, it's a bit like a velociraptor

but incredibly reptilian and snake-like. I guess velociraptors are a bit inherently reptilian. Well, if you go and buy... They're birdie. Yeah, if you go and buy like... Less orn. Yeah, yeah. If you go and buy like... Bird hips. Less ornithological. Bird hips.

What do you call it? Jurassic Park. Jurassic Park. Yeah, if you go and buy Jurassic Park. Fuck, I'm not going to go on that tangent. It's really nerdy. Oh, no, no, no, no. Dinosaurs are big birds with feathers and stuff,

but just I've never heard the phrase bird hips before. Yeah, that's what they have. That's how they know they're related to birds, is that theropods are called theropods because their hips are shaped like bird hips. And sauropods, which are like your big planeters, have lizard hips. Yeah. Before we go on, here's a quick word from our sponsors.

And a quick word from Jackson. Cheers, Adam. I just wanted to let the people know that this Melbourne International Comedy Festival, I'm going to be hosting a heinous quiz show called Big Deal, alongside a whole bunch of Sandspants people and comedians. Get your tickets from sandspantsradio.com forward slash live. You actually interrupted me? That was very rude.

I wasn't done. And now, back to the game. I get a bad boy card. Oh no. And on the bright side, molto bene, when you see it leaping out of the water at Lunabon, you actually remember Seahall talking about this creature, and you know what it is.

It's a yaunty brood guard. Brood guards are humanoids transformed by the yaunty into simple-minded, scaly creatures that do their master's bidding. You know that Seahall has said that these creatures will sometimes stalk around and capture people whenever they can, but it's kind of more an opportunity sort of thing. If there's not a good opportunity, they won't actually attack. This one obviously thinks that this is a good opportunity.

No, fair enough. Sorry, guys. My drinking has become a problem. You don't know that. Handsome Tom. Yeah, yeah. Would you like to play as a yaunty brood guard? Yes, I would.

Fuck, they are ugly looking fuckers. Brood guard, you're first. You are launching yourself at Lunabon. You know that you... Well, basically, your objective is to try and take one of them alive. You're first. You are launching yourself at Lunabon. You know that you, well, basically your objective is to try and take one of them alive. Okay. I'm just reading what I can do. So the best way we can win is by dying.

Ah, yeah. That's always an option. I have, do I have any six? So I have a thing called reckless, which means that at the start of my turn, I can gain advantage on all my Lee weapon attack rolls. Yep. During that turn. But attack rolls against me have an advantage against me. Yep. I want to use that.

I want to get an advantage. All right. Sorry. You get an advantage back, though. Oh, by the way, Handsome Tom, any good boy card you use right now, I will give, in assisting yourself, I will give the group a good boy card. As in each of us get one, we get one as well. So, ultimately, you're benefiting on good boy cards. Basically, what you're saying is I have to play this brood guard as if I was...

I will give you benefits for playing the Broodguard as well as possible. Okie dokie. Is that your Broodguard voice? It sure is. Lunabong. I'm not going to lie. Please? The pain train is pulling into station.

No. And you're getting on. Ouch. You take eight points of damage. I know this is a monster, not an animal. Yeah. It is a monstrosity, I think it's called. It's a medium humanoid. Oh, humanoid.

Sorry, my mistake. So they're made from people. They drink a brew and then become a snake boy. Well, that's why it's evil. Yeah. So eight points of damage to you as the creature launches up at you and attacks you. It's attacking you. It's all out offense.

Clearly, this creature thinks that the best defense is a good offense. Reckless. And its attack leaves it open, wide open to counterattack. But that means that its attack is ferocious and hurts you greatly. Ben, it is molto ben this time. Look, it's not graceful, but I just pull out my rapier and go and charge into it and try and stab it

as brutally as possible. You are... Oh, wait, no, you get advantage on this. You get it. You spear it in its belly. Broodguard, you wheeze a little bit as the air is let out of one of your malformed lungs.

Fuck. You take... My name was Gary before this happened. You take seven, eight points of damage. Feel free to not be suicidal as well. You think you can handle this fight, but you're on 37 hit points out of 45 right now. You know, I've just Yeah, yeah, cool, cool. And, uh, multa bene, now it's Lunabon's

turn. He's grabbed me? He's attacking you, but he hasn't grabbed you, no. Okay. I'll quickly just shout out to Fetch and Paula and say, get on the shore! They are on the shore. Good, okay, good. Um, I would like to use moonbeam on this fool.

You reach into your pocket and you pull out several seeds from a moonseed plant and you throw them right in front of you. They land in the river, in the lake with a little, like a scattering to them. That was great. What was that? A little scattering to them. just all over the place. And then slowly but surely, an aura of energy, of moonlight, descends upon the Broodguard. Broodguard, you do not like this one little bit. It hurts.

Fuck no, Gary painful. On your next turn, you're going to're gonna start well you will roll to start taking damage that's all right and that'll be your turn lunabon unless you want to move can i try and run away if you run away it gets a free attack on you an attack of opportunity unless you take just a single five foot step back but if you do that it'll take a five foot step forward won't be in the moonbeam next turn still take damage once and i guess or can you move it yeah i think i can move the moonbeam you can use an action all right you use your action so instead of making an attack or something you can move the moonbeam look i'll stay that was lunabon brood guard adam

i would like to pull Cass into the water. You pass, first off, your saving throw, so you only take half damage from the moonbeam. Do I need to use one of these for a saving throw? No. You already passed, so unless it... If I'd failed, I could have used one of them. Can I use one of these as a bad boy card against him?

What do you mean? Like, if I... Never mind, no. That doesn't work. I'm going to get us a reward, guys. No! Yeah, well, for two of you. Yeah, you'll be captured.

The moonbeam, the energy from it sears your skin and burns you, but you ignore that. I mean, my skin's pretty fucking awful already, so... Yes, it is. You grab at Lunabone and try to drag her in lunabon you are smaller physically than this creature and it has a vice-like grip you are in the mud so very easily moved unfortunately for the brood guard though you just miss grabbing her so you obviously are trying to grab at her but she stumbles backwards a little bit

And you swipe at nothing None of these cards would assist that Does attack roll? Or skill check They're all saving throws Sorry You can still move if you want Guessing to get away from

Yeah You will incur an attack against you But if you get out of the water You're no longer in the area of the moonbeam, which is going to burn you next turn. I mean, what if I go under the water again? Uh, the... Oh, actually. Could I, like, go back in as, like, a surprise Jaws Johnson?

Um, you could do that, actually. You'd be going underneath the moonbeam. It has a, like, a point where it stops, and that point would be just above the water. So, if you went back under, you'd be going underneath the moonbeam. It has a point where it stops, and that point would be just above the water. So if you went back under, you'd be fine. Broodguards can speak. Yeah, you can talk. That's fucking fantastic. So I'm just assuming we heard you say, Gary is in pain.

Yeah, because this broodguard was a lovely villager named Gary. He used to collect stuff. He used to make trinkets out of the things he found for other people in the village. Oh, that's fun. Like yard art. Yeah, yeah. So, when you're at Mrs. Greenchapels, a lot of the stuff at Mrs. Greenchapels was made

by Gary. Oh, that's lovely. Gary now wants to eat your face. Oh, no. Bless. That's a good looking face. Bless this mess. I'm going to go back under the water.

All right. You sink back underneath the water. I'll count that as a five-foot step. So you're just five foot below the water, but that means you don't get any attacks of opportunity or anything. Then it is molto bene's turn. The brood guard goes back under the water.

So I grab Lunabon and try and pull her out and try and get her up. Yeah, you can just help her up. Is that all you want to do this time? Well, yeah. I suppose I probably think he's retreated. Could we run? You both could just run if you wanted to, yeah? Let's get out of here.

Broodguard, what would you like to do? So depending on how they're running, do I have the ability to like swim faster than they can run to the other side of the lake? If they're running away from the lake, there's nothing you can do. I'm running that way. Yeah, I assume you are. Oh, yes. What's your movement speed, actually? I didn't write that down. 30 feet. You could

try to catch them if you wanted to. No, fuck it, I'm coming after them. You hop out of the water and sprint after them. If he's coming after you, what are you going to do? Attack. Keep attacking. All right, you turn back and attack. So we'll go back to molto bene then.

Okay, well, I whisper dissonantly in a spell I like to call dissonant whispers. Gary's least favorite sound. I whisper a discordant melody. Don't really know how to be terribly discordant. It's bad. It's hard to whisper a melody because it's not really a whisper. Gary does not like the song. You can't really whisper a song, can you?

No. Gary, you pass your saving throw. Damage. So you only take half damage, I believe. No. Or did I have to jump back through the moonbeam? Sorry? Did I have to jump back through the moonbeam?

No, the saving throw for the Gordon Whisper. Oh, Whispers did hurt. So now you only take half damage and you don't have to move away, which this would have made you have to do, otherwise you would have had to leave. You take a further five points of damage. I tried, Lunabone. And then it is Lunabone's turn.

You could have done that at range as well. So I'll say you're a bit, you're maybe 10 feet away from the creature. I'll use my Thunder Wave. You will need to get closer to the creature. What's the range on that spell? Yeah, it's myself in a 15-foot cube. Yeah, you'll hit Molto Bene with that spell. in a 15-foot cube.

Yeah, you'll hit molto bene with that spell. Maybe I'll just go for entangle. Catch him with weeds and vines. Ooh, I like that. Nature will get you, you abomination. Grasping weeds and vines sprout out all around you, Gary, and they try to grab at you. Gary, not abomination. Gary, make a trinket.

You will fail on this saving throw unless... Adam, I would like to use this for a saving throw. Woof, woof, Tom. Adam, what is the... No, you do this and then I'll tell you what it is. You pass and all three of you get a good boy card. Take a good boy card. Now, what's the dice thing on that one? A D4.

So that's a D4. The other two I have a D10, D12. So come on. That's pretty good. Look, I would have done the same thing. Shuffle that buddy back in. We get it, good boy cards. You like giving us advantages on saving throws.

Yeah. Why can't they be like, you now own a small business or something? Like, I want them to be more like chance cards from Monopoly. It's like a roll is better. An uncle sends you $20. Yeah. You won a beauty pageant. You came second in a beauty pageant.

It's always runner up. You don't win that beauty pageant. If you want a little bit of a extra utility with them, I'd allow you to use any card, no matter what it says on the face, any card to just re- says on the face any card to just re-roll a roll any dice roll right okay cool if you want to even if i'm like oh minimum damage you're like actually adam can you re-roll that damage or something like that yeah even your dice

rolls even my dice rolls yes so if you want don't want to use what's on there we can also just use it for a free re-roll yeah so if i The big downside is we could get fucked over by the worse reroll. Yes. If I'm like luck check and I'm like, you got really unlucky, you could be like, let's see, let's try that again. Cool. Make sense? Yes. Alright. So then

that was Lunabon's turn. Broodguard, you're free. You can attack. Which one do you want to grab? Who's closer? I would say Lunabon is probably closer.odguard, you're free. You can attack. Which one do you want to grab? Who's closer? I would say Lunabon is probably closer. Now she'll electrocute me. You don't know about that. No, I don't actually.

No, Gary doesn't know. Gary's just going to go for the person that has the most damage and is closest to him. All right. Would you like to use your reckless ability again? Can I use that again? You can use it. Read it out. At the start of its turn

the broodguard can gain advantage on all. But it opens me wide up to another attack. Nah, bring it on. Let's go reckless again. Don't you be so reckless.

My name's Gary. Gary was reckless in life too and that's how he ended up being turned into a broodguard. Oh no. He went after a particularly ambitious rock

that he thought would look really good on someone's fireplace. Oh, poor Gary. Why have I given this guy more of a backstory than I fucking gave goodness? He was feeling very lonely. Gary had no friends. Yeah, no friends, no family. But he had a purpose.

He was making connections. Lunabon, you take a further five points of damage as Gary lands upon you Slashing at your chest And biting at your head You feel his teeth sink into each cheek Ugh Nom nom nom nom

And then it is molto ben this time Gary just giving you a kiss No Gary, no kisses for me I shout as I run rapier in hand Charging towards From what angle do I come? Directly in front No kisses for me, I shout as I run rapier in hand, charging towards... From what angle do I come? Directly in front. I want to stab him in the throat.

You do so. I have a big throat. Yes, big throat. I'm a big throaty boy. He's got that big throat energy. Gary brings his throat up and he's got a throbbing giant Adam's apple. You use that as your bullseye and drive your rapier into it.

Gary. And I go like Elijah Wood does whenever he stabs in Lord of the Rings. Are you just playing Frodo? Yeah, I'm kind of playing Frodo. You deal six points of damage and as you drag

your rapier back out you give it like a lower momentum and the tiny little sharp cutting edge which is not typically made to actually be used nonetheless slices his adam's apple the lower part of it in half and the two big, ligamenty chunks slide out. I was going to ask him a question. Yeah. Oh, he's not talking anymore. Gary. Ludivine, it's your turn.

Stop. Was that the question? No, I'm just telling him now. And I'll make sure. I don't necessarily know this creature's intelligent. Haven't we heard him say Gary? yeah, haven't we heard him? you know that there used to be people that's all you know, so Gary could just be like

all the things I've been saying Gary has said I did call him an atrocity or something, monstrosity? abomination? I called him an abomination and I told you I wasn't an abomination oh, I didn't hear that. Well, yeah, then maybe you do know that it's intelligent.

Have I been pulled far away enough that I'm away from? You're still in front, right in front of Gary. No, I want to know how far away I am from... Molto bene? Molto bene. You're 10 feet from him. I wave. Can I shove myself...

Oh, no, you're right next to him. You charged with your rapier. You're standing right feet from him. I wave. Can I shove myself? Oh, no, you're right next to him. You charged with your rapier. You're standing right next to him. Can I shove myself, like, into... Yes? Can I shove myself into Gary to put myself 15 feet away from Multibene? I want to Thunder Wave him. But you won't.

So you kind of want to tackle him. Can I do that? And can I sort of, like, launch myself, like a push? So you need to take a five foot step kind of around, Gary. But doing that will put... You want to do that because then Molto Bene isn't in the area. I do want to do that. I do want to do that.

What do I plan? You... A shockwave emanates from you in all directions, charged with electricity. You will fail this one. Gary, unless you want to use one of your good boy cards. Buy another one, do we all get another good boy card? Yeah. We all get one?

You pass, and everyone gets a good boy card. Did I get hurt by the lining at all? A little bit. Yes, you did. You take literally the minimum. You take one point of damage. Oh, man. Gary's a lucky boy.

You can spend one of your good boy cards just to make me re-roll that damage. No, that's not a damage roll. It's an attack roll. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's literally like you'll... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just chuck it back in the pile and I'll re-roll this. This is insanity.

This is like Yu-Gi-Oh. I put my good boy card in defense, Merritt. You take four points of damage instead. How? So you brace yourself against the shockwave, and it drags you back a little bit, but not enough to actually shift you to a new square. And the damage you take is minimized at best.

Brood, it's your turn question yeah where is lunabon in relation to the lake next to you so you and you and lunabon are equally close to the lake like lined up towards it but we're like at least 10 feet away you're 30 feet away okay good don't put me in the drink if you you knock her down, you can drag her back in. Adam. Well, no, if I successfully kidnap... That is haunting. Like I said, this sounds like the first line of a manifesto.

If I... Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck, that's horrific. That's a bit of a dump. No, I'm going to go after her again before I get her in the lake. Let's go. All right. Just all out attack.

Do you want to make it reckless? I'm just gonna, yeah. How do we do this? Golden rule. Every one of my attacks are reckless. Alright. Gary was an idiot. Live it dangerous. Don't describe what it is as well. Just live it dangerous. The creature is upon you again.

Oh no! You take 10 points of damage. You're also further away from multibending. Oh no You take 10 points of damage You're also further away from Multibinning Oh no The broodguard leaps, lands upon you And Gary starts tearing Gary the broodguard starts tearing into you again

He opens up An old wound on your chest Tearing it open and exposing Flesh and sinew beneath Then he latches his head around your neck and twists, cracking something in your spine. I feel so bad. You lose sensation in one of your feet.

Oh, Adam, I didn't want to do this. Molto bene, it's your turn. Molto, I can't feel my feet. I can feel my feet. I'm coming. And I run away. No, I don't. For real?

No. Can I cast Dissonant Whispers again, or is that a one-off kind of thing? Let me check. Do any of the spells do damage? I did this before and it did a little bit of damage on you, but you succeeded a saving throw, which meant it only did half the amount of possible damage. Because I'm hoping this will do full damage and it also makes you retreat. Uh, what level spell?

Oh, it's a first level spell, I can see. Level uno. You get four first level spells a day. Okay, I... So you can cast it four times if you want. I'm kind of like running towards them in case it fails so i get closer and i'm dissonantly whispering as i go you're already there so you don't need to move you can if you want you can try to move around the other side of the creature so that

you're on either side of it it'll give you like some small advantages um no i won't do that because i'm trying to get him to kind of retreat and i wanted to be able to retreat like away all right well you can stay back yeah you can stay just where you are and try to look as big and intimidating as you can okay i'll get on my tippy toes stand on your drum yeah and i i put my hands up they're playing my song the butterflies fly away bad news i get a bad boy card good. Can I get you to re-roll that or something? Good news, that's a fail for him. Oh! You don't want a re-roll. Oh, unless you don't want me to get a bad boy card.

He could fail without me getting a one. He can have a bad boy. All right, cool. Because you're a good boy. Oh, thank you. And you lose your reaction as well. So you take 12 points of damage as you feel your mind. Gary, you take 12 points of damage as you feel your mind... Gary, you take 12 points of damage as you feel your mind slowly unraveling from a madness afflicting you.

Gary, it's your mother. Stop attacking these people. Ma'am. What? And Lunabon, it's your turn. I would like to Thunderwave again. You will hit your ally this time. Oh, you can take another five foot step and do it again.

I'm on full health. I'm doing real well. I'm multibanded. No, I'll take a five foot step. It's free to do the five foot step. It doesn't hurt you. You will pass again. Oh, the saving throw.

Yeah, you pass the saving throw. You take 11 points of damage, which halved is five because I ran down. But that's enough. You are killed. Gary, tell Mrs. Greenchapel I'm sorry. That was weird. The creature collapses into the grass and bleeding out. Says that before it falls unconscious.

It's not dead, but if you do nothing, it will die. I say we let it die. But it might know things about the... Are you okay, by the way? Jesus. I give you a hug. Thanks. Does it help?

Use this. Maximal health. You receive the maximum amount of healing from that hug as is possible, which is still zero. Then I don't use that card, Adam. Adam, you can have your book back. I'm done being a bad boy. You tried your Dondest,

and what I'm going to do is I'm going to give you a bad boy card for trying your Dondest as a bad boy. Now, what hijinks will Goody get up to with his bad boy card? Find out next time on Into the Jungle Island of Dendar, a D&D is for nerds adventure.

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