D&D is For Nerds - Into the Island Jungle of Dendar #6 Pie Thief

Episode Date: December 15, 2018

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Welcome to episode 6 of Into the Jungle Island of Dendar, a D&D is for nerds adventure. Preves. Seahole nods intently. She seems somewhat distracted by the giant wasp situation, but she also appreciates your comedy. Oh, great.

I hold her hand for a minute. When you get to her house, there's several of them lined on a windowsill. Are there cats walking around just, like, smelling them? Are we floating on the scent? Ooh, visitors! It's everyone's nan! Miss Greenchapel opens the door. She's everyone's nan.

Miss Greenchapel opens the door. She's obviously carrying a tray. She opens the door with her foot. Then you realise she's a goblin. Oh, I love her. Carrying a tray of cookies. Mrs. Greenchapel? Hello there.

Some miscreant has been stealing from me. That's just no damned good. I'm very careful to make sure that we have enough food for everyone. Handsome Tom. Yeah, yeah. Would you like to play as a yaunty broodguard? Yes, I would. Oh no. Oh. Fuck, they are ugly looking fuckers. Broodguard. You're first. Broodguard. You wheeze a little bit as

air is let out of one of your malformed lungs. Fuck. You take. My name was Gary before this happened. Gary. Tell Mrs. Greenchapel I'm sorry. Dirk. That was weird.

The creature collapses into the grass and bleeding out. Says that before it falls unconscious. It's not dead, but if you do nothing, it will die. Lunabon and Molto Bene, you have just slain the yaunty broodguard known as Gary. I'm rolling for random treasure, and you obviously could not get a writ of toll passage

for a local toll house or bridge. I don't know. Gary ran the toll house. Yeah, Gary ran the toll house. No one ever paid the toll because no one liked Gary. And also, they could just walk through.

Like, there was no walls. I haven't built that yet. Oh, Gary. I'm just so he talked before he became a lizard man. Like, his voice always was just, yes, Gary, what do you want? Did anyone tell you

you sound like a lizard? Yeah, lots. Yeah, everybody. On Gary's corpse, you find the remains yes gary what do you want they're gonna tell you you sound like a lizard yeah lots yeah everybody on gary's prophecy you find the remains of his personal effects like he still had clothes and such like that kind of draped around him it was more like more like tatters to be honest but there was a bag a satchel that he was wearing when he was once alive inside the satchel you find a common looking quill that when you hold it you can feel it humming with a magical energy you're not sure what magic is about it but there's something

magical about it you love humming i do love humming um and four crystals of varying sizes and hues it looks like he was collecting their arcane focuses so you'd focus magic a wizard or a sorcerer might focus their magic through it. You'd think Gary was just collecting them. Did you want these? They're pretty. Yeah. Well, you helped.

Do you want them? Well, no, you have them. You're more magic. I'm just kind of- I can't use them. Well, I'll take them. Dang. And I scramble away.

Gary was going to build a really nice chandelier. Yeah. For Garl. Can we still ask Gary questions as he's dying? You could stabilize. If you want to ask him questions, you're going to have to wake him up. And to wake him up, you're going to have to either give him a little bit of healing or fix him up. No.

I'll do healing world on myself. Do you want this? If he gives you the maximum healing with his good boy card, it'll be seven hit points you recover. That's not very many. I'm on ten. Seven is better than ten. Seventeen is better than ten. Alright, so spend the good boy card. Spent. And you are on seventeen

hit points now. Thank you, Aether. So you're alright? You're all good? I feel better now. I find the rabbit and make sure you're cuddling it. Thank you. And Fetch? What an awful creature.

That's Fetch. He is awful. Or he was awful. I guess he's dying now. Wait, was he talking about me? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Fetch thinks... I can hear it anyway.

Of course I'm not talking about the little fellow. I'm talking about the big one. What's he saying? What's he saying? I assume you're holding Fetch like his front paws are over your arm. Yes. You've got him like kind of his back,

his body or whatever is dangling underneath. Could Fetch have conceivably helped in that fight? No. By like nipping at the ankles and like...

Whoa. I'm not going to lie. If you had to put Fetch in that fight, I would have just eaten Fetch. Fetch has one hit point. Yeah, I would have

just eaten him. Oh, no. Gobble, gobble, gobble. Okay, so you're constantly asking about Fetch. Fetch has one hit point. Yeah, I would have stayed. Oh, no. Okay, so you're constantly asking about Fetch. Fetch, do you want to go give Molto a hug? Whatever's fine, Lassie, I don't mind. I'm just kind of standing there doing like whatever, just pretending like I don't care

if you come over and hug me or whatever, that'd be nice. Okay, okay. Okay. Fetch runs up and leaps up on you, and Lunaps up on you. And Lunabon, you hear him saying, obviously, you just hear barking. But you hear, food. Do you have any food while I'm here?

And I'm just scratching him saying, thank you. Thank you. You're a good boy. You're a good boy. Your mouth smells like food. You get doggy kisses. Oh, great. I love it. I start running around in small circles so he follows me

He chases Hey, where are you going? Come back This isn't fun I want to lick your mouth I'm sorry, Adam, three voices Over the course of this adventure You will find all of my voices are the same

I think we should still try and find the dryad Sure What do you say if you're up for it? Wait Where's the to we should still try and find the dryad. Sure. Oh, hang on. What do you say if you're up for it? Wait. Where's the toad? Didn't you find the lake? The toads are fucked off.

We know where the lake is. It was more about getting- You liked that one, did you? Wait, wasn't this the lake? Yeah, we knew where the lake was. You did. Yeah, you did know where the lake was. You knew you were going to be going-

Oh, about getting assistance for the medicine side of it. You didn't realize- You probably didn't realize coming to the dryad would bring you this close to the lake. No, we did not. That's why I didn't come. Whoops. Yep. Yeah.

Well, I think we should still go and find the dryad. Sure. She should probably be a help out. Sure, sure, sure. I've got to point it out when someone else does it, because otherwise it's just me. Okay, let's go find the dryad. Do you want to go find the dryad? Yeah, for sure. Let's go. Let's go find the dryad do you want to go find the dryad yeah for sure let's go what do you reckon fetch what do you reckon fetch come on

come on food food food food he runs ahead of you guys that's the spirit and i follow i i do not break that magic paula good ah get a good boy card the the same ritual you did to some of the dryad last time you're in the middle of that when the dryad surprises you by appearing through the wood. You have summoned me again. Hello. Hello, the forest. I've come to ask more questions.

What do you want to know? Well, do you know anything about, they're calling it the laughing sickness? Do you know anything about they're calling it the laughing sickness do you know anything about that apparently it came from that lake over yonder there is a vile creature that lives in the lake what kind of creature i do not know it and i do not wish to know it so you have no idea what it looks like or what its name is. It is an abomination upon nature, unnatural in every aspect. I think she's talking about Gary. Would perhaps a yanti fit in that description? No, not the snake people.

Not a human that they've maybe made into a yanti? No. No yanti creature has done this. Is there something else in that fucking... Oh god. I'm so sorry. Is it harmful to nature? It is full of illness.

Do you want it to go? Yes. Is there anything you can do to help us get it out? Get a good boy card? Yes. You're such a good boy. I'm just in the back petting Fetch this whole time. Yeah, you're playing Fetch with Fetch.

Okay, cool. Nice. Oh, yes. Throw the stick again. Okay. Sorry, I dropped it. Okay. How did you know what I was saying?

Fetch runs after the stick. Body language, Fetch. You brought it back and he's like, come come on come on come on here's the stick buck okay so um i mean thanks i'll throw it again woohoo and i throw up a shocker anyway in response to what you asked the dryad the dryad says yes i could help wonderful well what we're gonna do is we're gonna try and capture it so that we can bring it back and heal everyone who's sick but all right we'll kill are you going now no we'll need we'll need backup but we just wanted to see if you could help and it's so good that you can all right what about tomorrow is it better to attack at the day

or night whatever suits you best i see just as well in both okay tomorrow afternoon then we've still got light and we have time to sleep after capturing we're helping someone else with a thing you probably have to explain what afternoon is because the dryad doesn't really like dryad understands day and night but not really afternoon but once you've given her the concept of afternoon, she can probably work it out. She'll meet you there tomorrow afternoon. Wonderful. Thank you so much for your help.

Is there anything I can bring you? Like, do you want anything? I want for nothing. What did she ask for, like a human heart? Oh, fine. I want for nothing. Just only that the denizens of the city leave the forest alone oh my god same no we'll we'll do our best don't even worry we got your back girl she uh melds back into the

tree unless you have anything else you look lovely she does maybe hesitate when you say you look nice she gives like a look that's just confused a little bit, and then she says thank you, and then she leaves. And I say bye-bye from the back. She pauses again. Goodbye to you too. I hope this isn't like your arm or something, and I throw the stick again. No, that's fine. Sticks come and sticks go, I suppose.

You have been largely kind. Thank you. Goodbye. She leaves. Great. Let's go catch some pie thieves. I love it. Let's do it. They just turn Goodbye. She leaves. Great. Let's go catch some pie thieves. I love it. Let's do it. They just turn up at the house. I'm just drinking with Greenchapel. Well, you're drinking. Greenchapel is baking.

I am 100% licking the spoon every time she makes something. Actually, you might be dozing. You've had a bit of elven wine. You've had a lot of good food. Most of it has been baked goods. Maybe you had a sandwich. A sang-widge. So, you guys,

how are you going to go looking for these sandwich thieves? Pie thieves. These thieves of... Oh, fuck! So, how are you guys going to be looking... So, how do you guys want to go looking about for pie thieves?

Well, I think the best way to go about it would surely be to recruit some sort of dog sniffing out the pie. Hey, that's not such a bad idea. Where are we going to find a dog? It is unlikely that the pies have been eaten. They've probably been stolen for foundation or something. You're right. Nothing better to build a house on than pie my favorite part of this that i just want to if you don't mind me having a bit of an aside

you're just making fun of me this is not an attack on the character oh yeah that'd be that's right when have we ever attacked each other in dnd this is is unusual. Every game we've ever run has been veiled attempts to discredit and hurt each other. Veiled? Think about what... No, no, no, no. Think about what she just said. Let's go find some dogs.

It makes sense. You're going to go find some... Finding dogs? Yeah, find dogs to find the pie thieves. It's the logic of the little old lady who swallowed a fly. And that is sound logic. She survives, right? I don't know why she swallowed a pie.

I'm glad she lived. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Checks out. Checks out. She was fine, but very full. God, if a fly... We're swallowing a dog. Is that what we're doing?

There was an old lady who... That we ate. I don't know why she lost her pie. I'm glad she lived. Which of the many dogs that you know are you going to contract out for this? Are these guys, like, okay after your fight? Oh.

Oh, those are hit points. I'm sorry. Lunabon is somewhat hurt but MoltoBened does not look like he took any damage to be honest you look largely unscathed but Lunabon is hurt can we rest up

before we go looking for the pies so the way D&D works is you can take a short 1 hour rest and you recover some hit points or you can take a short one-hour rest and you recover some hit points, or you can take a long eight-hour rest and everything comes back. Everything is fully recovered. It's up to you. I've been day drinking with Green Chapel,

so I'm not going to be any... Actually, I'll be really good. I'm better sourced. Well, perhaps what we should do is because the scent of a pie surely may be eaten entirely and lost. So if we call some dogs over now, ask the dogs to go find them, and then the dogs can just tell us where they are while we take an eight-hour rest. Love that.

Dogs, go find these pies and then just report back to us. They can eat them. Oh. Sorry to go over old ground here. Yeah. Are these pies special or are they just pies? They're just pies. They're just pies?

Okay. They are the most delicious pie on the whole island. Yeah, exactly. I'm into it. They are very nice pies. They are not just regular pies. Miss Greenchapel, she is very careful with rationing out food. So for someone to be stealing extra food

is bad for the village. Oh my goodness. These pies are an important resource. May I suggest a backup solution? Should the dogs not be able to locate the consumed goods?

I suggest we ask Miss Greenchapel to bake a pie and place it on the windowsill. And I will stake out the pie. I will do a pie stakeout. I don't know. I don't see the funnest side. This seems like a very

logical plan. I'm just imagining because I know what I want to do while you're on your stakeout and it's making me very happy and it's very funny for me. Don't worry, Lou. You'll love it. It's going to be great. You guys get some rest, because I did not come and assist you in whatever happened to you.

What did happen to you? Can I use disguise self to make myself look like a massive pie? Disguise self does not allow you to make yourself look like a different race. I can be one foot shorter. does not allow you to make yourself look like a different race. I can be one foot shorter. And I think Epi transcends that pretty heavily. Well, what about if you go on this stakeout,

which I think is a wonderful idea. Absolutely. I'll summon, I'll see if I can, can I whistle for Dog and Fetch? Oh, right. Those are names. Yes, you can. My good friends. Dog and Fetch. Yeah, right. Those are names. Yes, you can. My good friends. Dog and fetch.

Yeah, cool. What does Paula smell like? You can go looking for them, but they're not going to understand just a whistle. Okay, I'll go looking for them. Yeah, what's... Hey, Paula? Hmm? Do you reckon you could track?

No. Okay, I give her a cuddle. She cuddles you back. Oh, I pat her a cuddle. She cuddles you back. Oh, I pat her soft little ear. She pats your soft little ears. Oh my god, does she have fluffy paws? Yeah. Now she shaves her paws on the reg.

Now she's got fluffy paws with the little paw beans. Ugh. I don't know why. Apparently that actually might not translate. So you know how a cat has... This is for international listeners. A cat has... You may not have seen a cat.

This is something that apparently might not translate, I found out. So a cat has those little soft knobs that aren't hair or whatever. The pads of its feet. Thank you. Those can be affectionately referred to as paw beans. They do look like beans when they're clean. They do, but I don't like it. We won't be making you a bean soup, it's fine.

Okay, good. There's nothing better than touching a cat's paw. Meanwhile, I'm in the corner desperately trying to make myself look like a pie, even though I know it's not going to work. Well, you're going red. You look cooked. Remember the time you tried to turn into a banana and you shit yourself?

It was a banana split. You did go yellow. I would advise maybe potentially stopping this action before you... Okay, I move to the toilet and start trying to turn into a pie. That's much better. That's much better. You can be with him. You're like unhurt. You're unharmed. You can be with him

on the stakeout. Yeah, I'll stay on the stakeout. Buddies for life. Absolutely. I give him a high five. Oh, I was about to say you do your secret handshake. Which is a high five. It's a high five with my tail. No one can know how simple the secret handshake is That's the secret

You put up a little screen Alright so You go find a toilet You're just staying put And you go look for dogs Yes I try and find as many dogs as I can Paul is coming with me and she's beautiful While I'm in the toilet I look for clues.

I know this is fruitless, but you have to roll. I was thinking the exact same thing. You find no clues on the toilet. You know what would be amazing? If you had rolled a 20 and he would have found a clue, yeah? No, that's not a guarantee. Alright, you're using your fortuitous circumstances?

Yes. Yes. All right, put it in the pile. Thank you. So, they have like a little outhouse. It's just kind of like a, it's a dunny. It's a hole in the ground that you just shit into and then hope. I guess, I don't know exactly how those holes in the ground toilets work.

I think people just hope that it never gets too big. I assume that's how it works. So you're sitting in that stinks to high hell, having your constitutional, as it were, and carved into the side of the toilet. Is I sell some pies, Jim? No, is a little, a very crude carving of a cobbled, and underneath is written, what languages do you understand? I understand common and halfling. Common and halfling.

Not a language you understand, but you do make out some of, like one word, which is apple, and another word, which is thief. You make out those words. You know enough draconic, maybe just like phrases and snatches of it. You know apple and you know thief, those words. And the kobold in his hands has a round disc, which from the context you assume is an apple pie. Hey, guys. I've come back from the toilet.

Have you pulled your pants up? Oh, sorry. pie hey guys i've come back from the toilet have you pulled your pants up sorry we are like like i feel like this group right now is very laser focused on the same i was thinking the exact same thing as i was thinking the exact same thing before hey guys i didn't poo myself but i didn't turn into a pie however you wouldn't believe the fortuitous circumstances of uh of using this bathroom yes what's happened i found something scratched into the side of the dunny it was one You wouldn't believe the fortuitous circumstances of using this bathroom. Yes. What's happened? I found something scratched into the side of the dunny.

It was one of those kind of drop toilets where, like, I don't know how they want to clean it. You just hope it doesn't get too big and high. But it was a picture of a cobbled stealing an apple pie. And underneath it, it said, Apple Thief. Is someone not feeding the cobbles properly? Do they need food? I don't know what a cobbled is. That's Michael talking. Oh, I'll find you a picture. Is it like feeding the kobolds properly? Do they need food? I don't know what a kobold is. That's Michael talking.

Hey. Oh, I'll find you a picture. Is it like a little- Dragon dogs, yeah. Dwarf goblin? Yes. Are those little- They look like creepy kangaroos.

Dragon dogs. A little bit. That's not inaccurate. Kobolds are- Sexy lizards. Like a half bumblebee, half trout. Kind of like if dragons were goblins. If dragons were goblins.

If dragons were goblins. They're people? They're sentient. Yeah, they're people. They're sentient. You don't like them. Sentient as in animal sentient or sentient as in hazard. They stand upright. They make traps.

They're sometimes fiercely clever. Kobolds are kind of distant cousins to dragons but never tell that to a dragon because that dragon will hurt you what dragons are the bird on the other page do you not know about kenku kenku are sick kenku can't talk they just imitate voices they hear yeah love them very cool wow so kobolds would, would we know, I mean, would we have noticed that they're a functioning member of the society? You have not noticed any kobolds in this group. There are a couple of goblins, but, well, with obviously notable figure,

Miss Greenchapel. But you've only seen goblins, no kobolds in this group. Hey, Miss Greenchapel. There was, sorry, also to say, on the graffiti, there was more to it. You just made out two of the words. There's like a full sentence there. Okay, cool. Hey, do either of you guys speak

freaky deaky dragon language? I do not. No. Okay. Never mind. Greenchapel, do you speak freaky deaky dragon language? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I don't bother myself with any of that. Miss Greenchapel, have you seen any kobolds around the area? Yes, there is one.

There's a little boy. I don't know his name, but sometimes he's about town. I don't think he lives here, though. What do you mean he doesn't live here? I think he lives outside of the colony. So what you're saying is that you are not the only community establishment on this island? I don't know much about it. You might want to speak to someone else.

Well, thank you for letting us borrow this pie as a stakeout, but I do believe that we don't need it anymore. Or do we still need to do the stakeout? Well, if they come, then we can catch him. All right. No, we're going to continue with the stakeout. As you're having this conversation, Miss Greenchapel is moving from one to each of you in turn with a tray of freshly baked cookies. Oh, my God.

I love this woman. Oh, wow. Is there brandy in this cookie? There's enough for three cookies each, and she has some milk. Thank you. I love that. She can brandy up your milk if you want. Yes, please. The same cupboard that she got alcohol out of

last time, she goes, opens it up, shifts some bottles around, and comes out with a little thing of brandy. Oh, Miss Greenchapel, you are the best of us. She gives you a sly wink as she pours it. Yes, she does. I give one of my cookies to Paul. Is there Oh, Miss Greenchapel, you are the best of us. She gives you a sly wink as she paws at it. Yes, she does. I give one of my cookies to Paul. Is there a Mr. Greenchapel?

What did he die? He passed away some years ago. Well, that is a shame. It is a good thing that he was never alive to witness this. Oh, these dreadful surroundings, she says, in what is quite definitely the nicest house here. I'm so sorry for your loss, I say, but my mouth is like full of cookie. If you were rude, she doesn't acknowledge it. She thanks you.

Oh, thank you. I'm not rude. I'm delightful. I'm multibene. Woo! And I kind of kick up and snap my heels together. Like it's a sly thing. Like she's being hidden. She's not being hidden. You all see it. I'm multibene. Woo! And I kind of kick up and snap my heels together. Like it's a sly thing.

Like she's being hidden. She's not being hidden. You all see it. But as if she's sneaking it to you. She takes a piece of hard candy out of her pocket and puts it in yours. It's in a wrapper so it doesn't get dirty. Yes, my favorite type. Wrapped candy. All right.

Let's take out. Well, Lunapon, are you going to go sleep-sleep? Go night-night? I will, but I'm going to go have a look for some dogs first. Okay, can you go do that? Do I find some dogs? Yeah, without difficulty. It's not that big a settlement.

You just need to wander over to where you know a Drant is, and a lot of the animals are chilling with Drant. Yeah, Drant makes sense, because he's a doctor named after an ant, so all the animals would go to him. Yeah, that does make sense. Hey, Doug. Hey. How are you?

I'm good. Awesome. Hey, how good are you at smelling? All right. Do you reckon you could find a pie for me? All right. Thank you. Can I tell for me? All right. Thank you. Can I tell you a secret?

Yeah. You can eat a bit of the pie if you find it. All right. Okay, go. Dran watches as his dog runs off. Dran. With a very nonplussed expression. Nonplussed?

Is that how you say that word? Yeah. Yeah. And then he turns to you and says, what did you say? Hello. I did say hello. You can't fool him. He's a doctor.

And an ant. Oh, no. He grabs his lead and walks after his dog. No. He's helping solve a crime. What, he's helping solve a crime. What? He's helping solve a crime. Someone was stealing pies.

Do you know about cop holds in the area stealing pies? I just got you know as much about this settlement as I do. Yes, well, evidently not. We actually know more than you do, Dr. Ant. Fuck. There's been pie thieves and there's only so much food on this island. There's pie here? Well, they're not anymore.

Your dog has to help us solve a crime. We meant more the mathematical constant. Malto Bennett comes in as my negotiations lawyer. I think you'll find pie is an irrational number, so it doesn't exist. No, you're the doctor. I actually don't know. I don't know if it's an irrational number. don't at me i don't care does dr ant have a twitter yeah oh right no no he doesn't have a twitter he has a mace book it's the dnd equivalent i'm very clever so

okay can i fetch where's fetch fetch fetchetch is playing with one of the cats. They're darting about together. The cat runs up a tree and you manage to get Fetch still long enough to talk to him. What do you want, lassie? I'm trying to get to this cat. Would you rather get to a pie? I could be convinced. He had both of his front paws up on the tree and he slowly backs down off the tree. You hear the cat calling up like they don't understand each other.

You just hear the cat calling up from in the tree. Stupid dog, stupid dog. Be polite. Stupid dog, stupid dog. Oh, my gosh. She's fine to do that one. I'll deal with her later. Fetch. Yeah. There'll deal with her later. Fetch.

Yeah. There's a pie thief about. I've sent dog to go and find the pie, but if you find a bit of pie... He's already gone. Okay. Hopefully to find pie. Pie! I say to the cat, you can come down now. The cat slowly climbs down

out of the tree. What's your name? Precocious. Hey, Precocious. How are you? I'm good. She curls up at your feet. Give her so many pats. Is she fluffy?

Yeah, she's a big fluffy white cat. You remember her from on top of the horse's snout from earlier. Do horses have snouts? They have noses. Is that what you call their long faces? Long face. I think it's depression? I start playing with Precocious's hair.

It's dry now. When she was on the horse she was quite obviously soaked and her hair had been matted. Now it's soft and fluffy. Precocious, can I tell you a secret? If you ever need pats, I will give them to you. All right. That's a very cat answer.

There's lots of people around. If I need a pat, I'll find one. Okay, well, do you need me to carry you anywhere? It's better than walking. Where are we going? Take me over there. She just rolls over so that you can pick her up, she gestures with one of her back legs in a direction.

Okay. All right, you start heading in that direction. I go to pat, like, scratch her belly. Ah. Ah. That's it. Pick me up. Okay, I pick her up her up that way i take her that way she just makes you take her around like there's no rhyme or reason to it you just go in a direction then she's like stop

turn around that way i have the best time the whole time all right she's quite obviously quite happy with the situation as well at At any point, do you rest? I'm not doing this for eight hours. I'm assuming this is taking... She's happy to do this for eight hours. So it's when you're ready to stop. I do it for five minutes. And then how do you let go of her?

Oh, precocious. I'm very weary. I'm very sick. I must rest. That's so'm very weary. I'm very sick. I must rest. That's so sad to hear. I know. I can't keep carrying you if I don't take care of myself first. Oh, that sucks.

Sound logic. Where would you like me to place you down, Prokosius? That way. Does she look like she has... She looks like she is not interested if you don't have a place for me to put you down you are coming with me very well then okay off we go all right where do you go back i gotta go rest all right be resting at miss green chapel green chapel's house all right cool she has a uh a she's only got one bed in

her house but it's quite comfortable and she lets you sleep in it if you want it's a like a big soft she can't have a four poster bed because there's not the material for that but it's a big soft bed probably stuffed with straw or feathers it's hard to tell maybe a mixture and there's a big quilted blanket over it sorry there's a big quilted blanket over the doona oh that's luxe okay i duck in paula snuggles around my neck to keep her warm and precocious she can i put her down to the end of the bed i can't make a cat purring sound but she curls up and purrs that's amazing yeah i guess I can make a cat purring sound Yeah that was pretty good Adam So

Yeah you go to bed like that Yeah when I sleep for 8 hours Yeah yeah but in the meantime Meanwhile We're on a staycat together and I want to be explaining All of my kung fu moves to you Yeah please do Show me that first one again

What do you call that, a punch? No, no, no. Get a good boy card. That was stellar. Oh, thank you. I have too many good boy cards. You can never have too many good boy cards. Oh, no, I'm too good.

I got a bad boy card. Because I'm a bad boy. A bad boy for love You're the bad boy of D&D I saw you on the cover of D&D Weekly Sure was in my leather jacket No shirt underneath Stardead belt

Across my chest Two of them The daddy of D&D Rambo number five D&D daddy Ten tips to make sure your rogue is satisfied Oh yeah Crit happens, what next?

Beauty dragons of Instagram Anyway, let's keep going Yeah, this is a punch This is two punches This is three punches. Whoa. That's so quick. Yeah.

They're very quick. Yeah. Nice. Yeah. I named this whole combination. The very, very fast, very, very good boy. Oh, wow. I've decided from this point on, I'm going to name all of my Kung Fu moves something really

dumb. You tried. I can't think of any more right now. You know that sort of trope of a grown-ass man doing kung fu alone in his bedroom? A hundred percent. That is what I am imagining you look like right now. That is exactly what I look like. Yeah, except in a field open, so cool.

And as a witness. Yeah. And I'm jotting down the names of the moves and turning them into a song that I can sing later. I'm looking forward. This is the bent fork backwards kick to your face. I know that there will be a song later that it features at least one of these moves and that's great. I better write this

down. What's that move called again? The bent fork backwards kick to the face. Very lyrical. This is the throat punch of go fuck yourself. What do you think that rhymes with? Can't do that. This is the throat punch of go fuck yourself. What do you think that rhymes with? I can't do that, thanks. I'm slow. This is the harder daddy slap.

Yeah, nice. So we're on the stakeout. Do we get a pie made for bait or are we just sitting around? Your stakeout is kind of ruined a little bit by the fact that old Miss Whitechapel, Greenchapel, sorry, keeps coming out to you with trays of food and coffee and tea and such. All of the drinks that I have, I put Brandy in. Every like 10, 15 minutes, she comes out to make sure you guys are comfortable. I put Brandy in.

Every like 10, 15 minutes, she comes out to make sure you guys are comfortable. She comes out with two knitted, quilted, knitted? Knitted. Knitted blankets, which she drapes around you so you're not cold while you're out here. I'll tell you what, this lady is a cut above. I'm going to name my next knee jab after her. I'm sure she'll love it. There's a copse of trees near her house that you can sequester your salt in. Okay.

Do you got a stakeout song that you can play real quietly for us? This is my stakeout song. It doesn't take too long. That's the end of the song. That's a brilliant. That's a very good. Thank you. Thank you.

Have you thought about making it longer? Considering that a stakeout is usually a long time. Yeah. Yeah. It's okay. One moment, Shanks. If I can stop you right there, we just need to have a quick word from

our sponsor. And also a quick word from Jackson. Cheers, Adam. I just wanted to keep the people informed about my new quiz show that'll be debuting this Melbourne International Comedy Festival. It's called Big Deal, and it's sort of the game show equivalent of that scene in The Matrix where they put a wiggly robot scorpion in Neo's belly.

Grab your tickets from sanspantsradio.com forward slash live. I have trouble believing your description, Jackson, but that sounds fantastic. Anyway, Shanks, as you were. I'm sitting in a safe house with my best friend. His name is Goody, hope it never ends we're with green chapel eating lots of snacks i hope that we don't get in any attacks hey i'm on a stakeout it is a fun time i have a lot of smiles in my soul i like to gleam with the seam.

And that's the end of the song. You know, that reached number two in Baldur's Gate. Oh, good reference. Yeah, that's D&D, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, nice. Oh, I am red. Surely he gets a good boy card for that fucking song. I got enough, guys.

I'm drowning in good boy cards. You guys are actually running out of good boy cards, so I'm going to have to start rationing them out. No, we've got to start using them. Then we get as many, but we've got lots. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, if you use them, you'll get more, I guess. Adam's descriptions of Greenchapel's genuine, warming, familial love

makes me feel really bad about my life. Is that Shank speaking or the character? Okay. So, Ron, it's taken, Adam. How's it going? Well, you guys are not exactly subtle and like I said, We are singing and performing martial arts

movements. Yeah, like you say, you are singing, performing martial arts. We're so bad at this. You're just very noticeable. You're both covered in highly decorative and colorful blankets. Just crunching cookies and drinking milk. Yeah. Oh.

So. And I'm a bit drunk. So not only are you distracted, but you are easily noticeable. So this is going to be an interesting roll. All right. easily noticeable so this is going to be an interesting roll all right so i get a bad boy card we did really bad the worst do we have any cards that'll help us do better uh no no you guys you guys did quite fine okay no he rolled a natural one so you guys hey so you guys it's nighttime at this point the sun is set every now and then you see linus uh slowly doing a perimeter check of the of the place because miss green chapel's house is quite near the edge of uh edge where the wall is and there's actually one of the big boulders that you guys uh put to fix the wall is right near here so every now and

then linus comes round, he pushes on the boulder to make sure it's sturdy and in place, keeps going on his little roundabout tour. And then at one point when he is presumably on the other side of town, you hear AHHHHH! FUMP! And then you look over to the boulder and you see

a prone form. That is a thing that has fallen. Do we recognise what it is? As it slowly gets to its feet, you can tell that it's about half-length size, which kobolds are. And it's got, in the darkness, let me roll for you again.

I have dark vision. 60 feet of it. It's further than 60 feet away. Well, fuck that thing. 61 foot. Goodness, you're having trouble making out more than what I just said, but molto bene. I'm drunk. Well, yes.

Molto bene. You can see that it is definitely, it's got, like, shimmering scales. It looks like a kobold. Hey, hey, do you reckon that's a kobold? I cannot tell from this distance. Oh, I'm pretty sure it is. Should we go for it? You can get ready with your heart of daddy slap.

The figure starts creeping towards Greenchapel's house. Okay, let's let it out. Let's get him. Oh, man, this is so sick. All right, do you want to wait for him to get a bit closer? Yes. I'd like for him to get closer, and then is this dumb or is this fun? So I have that thing that means that I can, like,

Is this dumb or is this fun? So I have that thing that means that I can like just make a scary, ominous thing happen to announce my presence. Yeah. Yeah, you can do that. Can I do that and Batman him? Oh, yeah. That's great. Give me a sec.

Have a think about exactly what you want to happen. So the effects that it, I think the examples it gives is you can have like a crack of lightning or candles get snuffed out or a bonfire dims in your presence. Or you could have the opposite. Like it can also be used like an angelic choir dimly can be heard in the distance or a ray of light hits you. You can have either or. Just give yourself a sec. I will. Think about it and I'll roll. Hmm. You guys are not great at hiding, but you guys have a fortuitous location.

Goody, you're going to fail this skill check unless one of you, one of the many of you, spends a card to help him. Skill check. Reroll a skill or attack roll. All right. I give you that. Spend it. Doing worse now, actually.

Anyone else? What about this? It's my bad boy card. Oh, yeah, you can do that on him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you spend your bad boy card. You spend good boy card. Wait, that's mine.

All right. Now he won't notice you. Yes, he won't. So you keep yourselves hidden. And as he approaches, you see him looking about. But he quite obviously doesn't spot you. He gets within 30 feet. So in a round, if you needed to, you could get right to him and grab him or hit him or whatever.

You can get to him and do an action if you want. And that is presumably when you kind of want to act. Yeah, yeah. If you want. And that is presumably when you're, when you kind of want to act. Yeah. Yeah. So I like torches around this area so that it's lit. There aren't any torches. No, unfortunately there are some lights in miss green chapel's house,

but nothing else. Damn it. I really just wanted to have all of the lights go out. Oh, that'd be great. And then sing that song. Yeah. Nothing's scarier than a little B boys.

Is that B-Boys? I think it was B-Boys. Or is there a full moon? Can I make a moon go behind a cloud and just make it really spooky dark? Sorry? Yeah, you can make it super dark if you wanted to. And then have the moon come out again and I'm in front of him? Yeah, you can do that.

I want to do that. You cast Thermaturgy. Yeah. And as you cast it, you manipulate the clouds above you just lightly to give less than a second of darkness. It is such a douchey spell. But in that second of darkness, you sprint the distance. It doesn't look as impressive on your end, but you assume for the kobold it's quite terrifying. Because he does, when he notices notices you he jumps with a start ah

oh hey boy you ain't looking to find some delicious pa now were you uh and molto bene what would you like to do in this round i'm just i'm just creeping up close so we can be there to grab all right do you want to stay hidden yeah i'll stay hidden all right cool you creep up and you're you can be basically right next to him hidden if you wanted to okay yeah i do that you're using shadows to mask your approach and the darkness when the clouds cover the moon it's very easy for you when they start to slowly dissipate in part you find it a bit more difficult but you still manage to creep up and you maybe sequester yourself or tuck yourself in somewhere near a natural big shadow made by the house that you're next to. So you use that to cover yourself.

Can I pull out my vial and start playing something really dissonant and spooky? Yeah, you can do that if you want. Just like slow chromatic runs? It'd give you away though. It'd give away where you were. That's fine. I feel like we're really creating a tapestry of fear. As you appear

and what did you say to the kobold? I said, are you looking to get some delicious pies, boy? As that happens, you hear an awful... It was earlier in this very game you told me, me Shanks what this is. It's like you said before, chromatic scale.

Yeah. Oh, I think earlier I said a whole tone scale. That's it. But that's more mystical. I'm doing a chromatic scale, which is a little more horrible. Uh,

like a siren. So much music. Or the, the, the twilight zone. Anyway. Yep. No, that checks out. So much music. Or the Twilight Zone. Anyway. Yep, no, that checks out. It checks out.

As the music starts, I then want to add to, because you've come to the wrong par shop. Very good. He jumps with a start, like I said. He seems genuinely quite terrified. He maybe bowls over as well with the added suspense of the music. Suddenly two people are right next to him. What do you want?

I wonder what would you be doing at such a late hour, skulking around in the shadows, my friend? His eyes dart from one of you to the other one, then back, then forth. What's it to you? Oh, just a million concerned citizens are my friend and i was struggling

through the night making sure that no one will be here to say pilfer a pie i'm not gonna steal anything i've never stolen anything i would never steal anything do i believe that both of you don't believe him when he says he wouldn't steal anything but but you can both from a, uh, like a, just a cursory understanding of cobalt and how he's reacting. You can tell that you have figuratively scared him straight. He's not going to, he's genuinely seems quite terrified and you do not think he's going to come back here anytime soon. I feel like we should give him a slice of the pie.

Take him. No, no, no. You're going to come with me, boy, and we're going to take him back to Greenchapel's house. Then why don't you smoke a whole carton of pies? I feel like we should. I've decided apparently my alignment's lawful good. So we're going gonna get this boy

Doing the right thing We're gonna take him to Greenchapels He comes with us He's terrified, he won't do anything Unless you tell him to Miss Greenchapel, what is your name, son? Hi, I am Thrax the Emperor Okay, Thrax the Emperor

Yeah, we look at each other and go, hmm. Okay. Do you have something you would like to say to Mrs. Greenchapel here? I'm sorry I stole your pies. He did it. He falls to his knees. And I say, hey, it's okay. And I grab a chair and I put it backwards and I sit on it and say, hey, champ, how's everything at home?

My empire is in ruins. That's got to be tough. That's got to be tough. But you know what? We live in a society. My people starve. Well, I mean, that's a pretty good reason to steal a pie. I'll be honest. I'll be honest.

I'll be honest. But had you considered asking for food for your people? They would not feed us. We are outcasts. Greenchapel, is this true? Greenchapel looks at the pitiful little creature and says, I don't know what empire he's referring to. I remember a naughty little boy who ate more than his fill,

but I don't remember an emperor who had people to feed. So, yeah, he's lying about being an emperor, right? He's not actually an emperor. Have we fucking kidnapped the emperor somewhere? The kobold's starting to sound quite a bit insane to you. okay he's he's insane with terror would you say adam uh no you think maybe he was insane before you scared him the fuck so we've kidnapped a mentally ill boy yes very good oh you think boy figuratively like the the kobold is quite definitely an adult yeah right now in future if you would like some pie, what are you going to do, young man?

I'll ask. So, would you like some pie? I need pie for my people. Please, kind goblin, let me have some. She cuts him a slice of pie and gives it to him. Now, the next time you think of having some pie for either yourself or your people, in air quotes, you will ask. Yes. Or I will find you again, and next time I will not be so polite.

No! And he will play a much scarier song. I will. It's possible. Make an intimidation check from both of you with a massive bonus yeah look he's terrified he is never the idea of disobeying your order will never occur to him well that is two side quests down we are doing all right he scurries away with his slice and as he scurries away i'm like hey champ and he looks at me and i say you're the man now dog and he scurries away you're the man now dog yeah it's an old meme oh okay but uh but it checks out i was about to clear

them uh is that is that also a reference to a meme that's now as a star wars yeah i know that one it's an older meme so but it checks out i have always wanted to use that in a conversation well i just achieved your life goal yeah you did pretty good i've always wanted the reason i never have is because i'm always afraid no one would ever get what i was referring to i'm so glad i was there to get what you were referring to here we go what a beautiful partnership we make i feel like we achieved your dream together i think it was more your dream, but I'm glad to be a part of it. We achieved our dream together. We achieved mutual dreamgasm.

And scene. So we've now completed two of three side quests. Yeah. And I guess then we go to bed. I have another glass of warm brandy milk. Yeah, sure. You can just have the brandy if you want. You don't need the milk.

No, no, no. I like to kid myself that I'm okay, Adam. If you want that, then she's got eggnog. I will mix the eggnog with my brandy milk. All right. Cool. May I have a sip? That is what eggnog is, but sure.

Certainly, this is a drink of king's. Okay. And I have a little sip and go, oh, and I fall immediately asleep. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. And I'm curled up like a cat. And whilst I'm asleep, the cat licks me. So the next day rolls around.

All of you are fully recovered from your wounds. Well, one of you is fully recovered from their wounds. The other two are still dying. I'm hungover. Oh, it's your night. You're not hungover. You're still drunk. True. Can that be a thing? Can I just perpetually

be a little bit? Yeah, sure. Good. Well, that's alcoholism. I'm functioning. Just. My night was good. We caught that boy. Troubled little boy. He's going to be good. We put him on the straight and narrow. We scared him straight, which I did not think was actually a method.

Didn't go back to his empire. No, we did not. Apparently he's an emperor, but I think he's also crazy. Godspeed. An emperor of where? We didn't get there. He kind of talked in circles, and I think he pissed himself. But look.

I kept thinking I would say that he pissed himself, but the opportunity never presented itself. He definitely did on the way home. Pissing himself isn't that bad. He should try turning himself into a banana. Fuck, that's hot. Did you ask where he was from? Look, I'm going to be honest. It slipped my mind.

I was very busy being scary and intoxicated. I cannot change my place, Lunaban. I think to myself- This quest is completed. You can't reopen this one. I think to myself, sarcastically, how wonderful humans are, and I just turn my attention to Paula and give her some pats. I am barely human.

I'm a giant demon boy. Oh, you're human enough. Boo. You're also half human. Yeah, and I wish I weren't. Precocious calls out from the other room, open the door. I run and do what she says.

Thank you. Keep it open. She leaves. In the meantime, I've pulled out my flute and I'm playing morning music. That's all. Morning, M-O-U-R? Morning, because we just had a little sleep.

I wasn't sure. I mean, I'm picturing Morning Mood by Edvard Grieg, which we'd all know as the... Oh, yes. Yeah, that's it. I'm just like skipping around doing that. I only know revelry. I guess I know that actually. Ah, yes. revelry. I guess I know that, actually. Ah, yes, revelry.

He was a funky, funky boy, but if you don't know the words to this song, shit. Is that The Nanny? No, he was... Boogie Woogie Boogie Boy of Company B. Yeah. He was the boogie woogie boogie boy of Company B.

I don't know why I can't sing this song. It very quickly turned yeah look uh so what's left to do uh you've still got the the spooky lake yeah the uh laughing sickness and if you wanted to there's kind of like the nebulous like the preparing for uh the yawn tea to come and try to take people. You could, where they live is unknown. It's somewhere in the jungle. You could, if you wanted to, make a mission out of trying to find it

before they find you. We could always talk to the trees. I could ask the trees for help. Absolutely. For sure. We could ask trees where the Yonti are, or we could ask them to notify us when they are coming. I feel like we would be best prepared.

Sir, I miss him from the trees. Did I fucking stutter? I'm imagining like a guy on a horse with like, dressed as like a red coat with a big feathery cap. The Yonti are coming. The Yonti are coming. It's Paul Trevere. Paul Trevere?

Yeah. Isn't it Paul Revere? Yeah, but I made him a tree. Fuck, no, his name should be Fall Trevere. Because leaves and autumn. Yeah. Message us in your variation of tree, Tree Paul Revere.

Message us in at douche13. He'll appreciate it. And we'll let you know the results Tree Paul Revere. Message us in at douche13. He'll appreciate it. And we'll let you know the results next time on Into the Jungle Island of Dendar, a D&D's for nerds adventure. Thanks for listening. If you want to help support this show and all our other shows on the Sandspans Radio Network, just head to sandspansplus.com.

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