D&D is For Nerds - Into the Island Jungle of Dendar #9 In Defence of Hope

Episode Date: January 5, 2019

Where we fight a snake motif.Sign up to our newsletter here; http://eepurl.com/cM3in9Join our facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your tickets right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/Watch us stream here; https://www.twitch.tv/sanspantsradioYou can now physically send us stuff to PO BOX 7127, Reservoir East, Victoria, 3073Give the gift of Sanspants! https://sanspantsplus.com/give-the-gift-of-sanspants/Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: https://sanspantsplus.comPodkeep: https://sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: https://audiobooksontape.comMerch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail]: https://twitter.com/sanspantsradioWebsite: http://www.sanspantsradio.comFacebook: https://facebook.com/SanspantsRadioReddit: https://reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Adam: https://twitter.com/RetroArchetypeCass: https://twitter.com/CassCassPaigeTom: https://twitter.com/AwkwardTreedShanks: https://twitter.com/timtimfed Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

SansPantsRadio, Jack's beard is softer than it looks. middle of the night with a cold sweat you don't know why tickets are available from the melbourne international comedy festival website and from our own website sanspence radio.com forward slash live welcome to episode nine of into the jungle island of dendar a dnd is for nerds adventure previously i love brendan frazier yeah come back brendan frazier he's doing something now that that's good i'm glad that he's working still. He's got like a cowboy show or something. The mummy attacks you. Yeah, okay. The necklace that it is wearing begins to glow red hot

as you cast your incantation. You can feel ambient heat around the creature being channeled into the necklace. That's what you're doing, channeling ambient heat into it. Would I do more damage with a flaming torch than I would with my darts? Probably, yeah. I would like to light

one of my ten torches on fire. Alright, you do so. And throw it at the mummy. Yeah, this is a dread helm. This fearsome helm makes your eyes glow red while you wear it. I would like to put

the dread helm on my head. One of the rings, though, when you pick it up, whoever picks it up first, you immediately feel a magical energy charging through it into you from your toes all the way up to your head.

Magical knowledge floods into your mind, knowledge that you didn't have before this. You know no matter what happens when you are wearing this ring, you will always know which direction is north. I scull a whole bottle. It's fighting time. You scull a whole bottle. Yeah. fighting time. You scull a whole bottle. Yeah. You're not a hawk.

Well, bad luck. Well, good he's out of the fight. Maybe. You can hear rhythmic drum beats in the distance. And as you, Lunaborn, are bursting back in, Seahall is coming in at the same time. She has like a desperate, panicked expression on her face. Her hair, which is usually tied back in

like a bun, is not tied back in like a bun, is not tied back in a bun. And you can see that it's frizzed out in all directions. Well, you know why she's panicked. In the meantime, Motobene, you are sitting by a creek playing your xylophone. Bone.

Sorry, xylophone. Xylophone. Hail! playing your xylophone bone sorry xylophone hail hello you turn around and linus is standing behind you whoa linus have you heard this this beat this is great nature's really grooving and i can hear the drums going boom boom boom you can't hear the drums just yet actually i. I mean... That was me speaking in reverse. I took that back. What have you got there? He says. Oh, this? Why, it's a genuine bona fide xylophone.

It's made of mummy's bones. Not my mummy's. Her bones turn to ash. You say that all so fast that either Linus didn't hear it or he doesn't understand it. Did you... You took that from the corpse of a mummy.

Well... I get... Well, technically my friend Goody did. He should get the credit. But I've turned it into a look. It plays real good. Gung, gung, gung, gung, gung, gung, gung. Gung, gung, gung, gung, gung, gung.

You play admirably. Oh, thank you. You're very welcome. It's both Adam and Linus. Selling. That was an admirable performance. Oh, thank you. I tip my hat. Is both Adam and Linus selling it. That was an admirable performance. Oh, thank you.

I tip my hat. I don't have a hat, but I make the gesture. Back when I was serving, we had a xylophonist in our corps. Oh, wow. Does that mean there's an opening? Presumably, he was dashed upon the rocks when I landed here. Oh, yikes. That's no good.

Maybe his bones we could make a second. I know that's probably inappropriate but he's long buried child well that's fitting perhaps also he thinks you are a boy but you are a halfling it's hard to tell with linus sometimes he sits down next to you so uh yeah been here long not really really. Just washed up however long ago we started this campaign. A couple days. A couple days, you know. It's been, you know, to be honest, it's been kind of hard. It's been tough. But, you know, it's hard having to be Spritely and Chipper all the time and just play music.

When is it Molto's time? Who's making Molto happy? But, you know, it's very good. Any requests? You wouldn't happen to know a cadence march, would you? As a matter of fact, I do. As a matter of fact, I know a song for any occasion or something like that is written on my sheet,

and I play it. You just can't get any of the notes right this time. It's all just like Stupid And I hit myself with the stick That I'm using to play the title Making a noise Linus puts a giant gauntleted hand on your arm Before you can hit yourself a second time

And says Please try again Okay mister Is it alright if I call you dad? And I start playing. I think it is, son. I think it is. This time you play a lot better.

You play very well. Oh, great. Practice makes perfect. Thanks, daddy. Portion it. How old are you, son? 10? 12?

I'm 11-ty-one. 11? 11? And who are these people son? 10? 12? I'm 11-ty-one. 11? And who are these people that you're traveling with? Oh, you know, they're the best people in the world. They're great. There's Goody. He likes to drink, and that makes him more fun. He does, does he?

He likes to drink, does he? Yeah, he does, but he's real good about it, you know? And then he just, like, sleeps, and he never yells at me or anything. He doesn't yell at you. No, he doesn't. But he does yell at your mother sometimes. Well, she's not my mum, but sometimes she feels like an animal. She's Lunabon, and she mainly talks to animals more than people.

She talks to animals? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, did you have any requests? Just one, just a question, actually. Can I ask, why have they not given you shoes? Oh, that, because I've got these big, hairy, luggish feet. I've noticed that, yes. Does your father have big, hairy feet?

Because your mother doesn't. Well, he did before the fire, but... A fire? Oh, goody yeah he's he does yeah but he doesn't really take off his boots and account of all the infections uh-huh okay it's true that's hey does anybody hear those drums that's very good to know uh now in the distance, you can hear the drums. Well, nature's really grooving. And I start playing. Along with it. I like that Linus assumes that we're deadbeat parents.

Oh, that's lovely. What a shitty mum. And the next time I see him, I am drunk as fuck. And I'm like paying attention to Matt rather than being like, the rabbit needs food. The first time you saw him, you were drunk as fuck. Yeah, it's true. Matt The first time you saw him You were drunk as fuck And the first time you saw him

You were more concerned with animals I don't even sober once It was terrible Linus presumably also hears the drums Because he stands bolt upright You can dance if you want That's fine They're coming

Come boy he picks you up Tucks you under his arm like a football And then runs with you You can dance if you want. That's fine. No, we need to go. They're coming. Come, boy. He picks you up. Okay. Tucks you under his arm like a football and then runs with you. A football or a sack of potatoes. I keep playing whilst I'm in his arm. Well, you're going to be doing it at disadvantage. Okay, that's fine. Get a good boy card.

Yes! You rolled two fucking 20s Okay that means the army all die The evil army Your music is so good we get off the island We're transported to a groovier time And it works The 1950s Lunabon and Goody

Lunabon and Goody. Lunabon and Goody, you're standing in the city center with the cleric, Throne Stomper, and you can hear the drums, which, like I said, give you that dreadful, awful feeling. But then as you hear a different sound, the sound of maybe an old cadence march played on a xylophone, you start to feel emboldened. You feel courageous. I believe that is our good friend, Malto Bene, and not a moment too soon. I'm going to give you both bardic inspiration from what he just did.

You can give it out anyway, so I'm just going to give you two for free, one for each of your friends. That's great. What does that do? So in the next ten minutes, when you're making a roll, if I say you fail, you could add a D6 to it for free. Cool. And you can do that once a round as a bonus action, I think six times a day? This is four a day.

Four, all right. Yeah, sorry. It gives allies a bonus on their rolls four times a day. It doesn't say anything about my own things. Oh, no, I think it sounds like that's right. Four times a day that you can do it, but these two't count so you can still do it another because you rolled so well yep fuck that's amazing all right you're all assembled in the set well i say you all the cleric seahall you three and linus are all in the city center you You can see in the jungles all around Hope,

you can see lights in the darkness. Well, that doesn't bode well for us, does it? Seahall maybe draws a saber, an old rusted saber out of her belt and starts drawing in the dirt. She draws a vague outline of the uh perimeter of the town and then crude images of each of the different buildings in town she says they come in three waves the first wave will be uh i don't know snake creatures and giant snakes so be wary of

that first wave is usually just to soften us up, to probe our defenses and explore for weaknesses. We put those rocks up so we have less of those. Yes, there will be less weaknesses, but there will still be ways for them to get over our walls, I'm sure. The first wave will be the easiest to deal with, but it will also be the most numerous in enemies. These giant snakes, would you say they're a beast? Yes. but it will also be the most numerous in enemies.

These giant snakes, would you say they're a beast? Yes. Good, just good to know. Continue. While they are individually, they're acolytes or whatever, they're lower forms, I believe they're called purebloods. They look the most humanoid, I suppose, but they're the lowest rung in the Yonti society. Each one of them is fighting for an opportunity to rise in social status, and they will happily die or kill for

such an honor. The snakes are snakes under the control of the Yaun-Ti. There's nothing special about them other than they're giant snakes. The next wave will be warriors, a higher class of yaun-ti, accompanied by priestesses and clerics. They will be a little bit tougher, but I feel confident that we will be able to handle that wave as well. It's the final wave that we need worry about.

The final wave will come with, I believe, in their tongue, or translated from their tongue, his name is He Who Circles the World. Well, he has a name that sounds dumb. It is an avatar, I believe, or a snake, a giant, giant snake imbued with the energy of their dark fell god. It is in this final third wave that kidnappings will happen they will attempt to take people many people we cannot let that happen no we cannot of course not these snakes is there any

reason that we should harm them uh they fight for the yawn tea. They are twisted, dark, evil things. Their minds have been corrupted. They will try to kill you. I suggest you try back. See, if we maybe just got rid of the people who were controlling them, maybe they'd be okay because they seem pretty trapped and that's not fair. There's not a lot we can do at this point. Okay. It's either kill or be killed. Yeah, people say that a lot. People just keep, that's a lot thing that people like to do. It's either kill or be killed. Yeah, people say that a lot. People just keep, that's a lot of things that people like to do. That's fine. Cool.

That's good. I go and sit down. Seahawks stabs the saber into the dirt and kneels down with you. Oh, poor dirt. Dirt is fine. He doesn't mind. It's okay. I'm used to it.

It's a living. Seahawks grabs your hands. Lunabon, she looks you in the face and says, these creatures, they're no longer beasts. They're tools. Tools of the Yawn-T. Don't hate what you must do. Hate them for

making you do it. I hate you for making me do it. Look at me, Lunabon. You need to be strong now. I am strong, okay? I stick to my morals. And stand up and fight. Fine, yep, good. Do you do so? Yes, I stand up and I'm ready to fight.

Ready to fight. Ba-da-da! You good, LB? Yep. Don't, don't, don't. I've seen you, don't. If you can avoid killing the people that we have just helped, that would be okay. I won't

be killing any people we've just helped. I will be killing the yawn tea. I will not be killing the snakes. Noted. That is fine. We would not expect you to and we would not force you. Isn't that right, Molto? I will. I would also request that you don't try and kill snakes that are near me. What about if I incapacitate them?

Say, knock them unconscious or move them away from where we are? I'm going to do my best to befriend them, but that can't work if you hurt them. Okay, fair. I will punch everything else. Thank you. Done. As you three are formulating plans with Linus, the cleric, and Seahall, you can hear the drums getting louder and closer.

They're almost upon you. You can see the lights are getting close to the walls of the township. Seahall says, we should split up to cover as much ground as possible. Yes. Okay. All right. I'll go with you, Goody. Okay, man. Lin. All right. I'll go with you, Goody. Okay, ma'am.

Minus, Buttsin. I'll go with the boy. Yes. Okay. And then the cleric, whose name I forget. Garth Thornstomper Prayer Breaker. Garth Thornstomper Prayer Breaker. What do I call him?

Thornstomper. Oh, ouch. Yeah, he's way more badass. He stomps on thorns on purpose. You're a Thornstomper. This is reflexology for me. Yeah, he's way more badass. He stomps on thorns on purpose. You're a throne stomper. This is reflexology for me. Okay, right. He's a masochist.

Good reflexology joke. Thank you. You're welcome. I made it reflexively. That's also a D&D term. Anyway. If I knew anything about D&D. Gal looks at you and says, I guess we're together then.

Excellent. All right. Gal says, don't know where that hostility is coming from let's go let's do this you head out to different sections of the of the town to defend i'm going to say goodness you and sea hall go near the kind of like the back end of town near where our green chapels green chapels residents absolutely there's the the largest holes in the wall which are all filled by rocks but the largest holes in the wall were all there and so it's like maybe the easiest place for them to try and break in molto bene and linus both of you go to the front gates which have been closed and barred but it's like it's kind of just a latch like a little bit of rope tying the two doors together.

It's not going to hold very well. Oh, boy. And Lunabon and Gal, both of you head towards the river. There's a river that, or a stream, I should say, a stream that meanders through town. There's gaps, just natural gaps in the walls there so that place needs defending uh we're going to go to initiative but before that a quick word from our sponsor also a quick word from jackson thanks a bunch buddy i just wanted to use this opportunity to inform the good people that this melbourne international comedy festival i'm going to be

hosting a quiz show we're calling Big Deal. It's sort of like the game show equivalent of having your mouth spat in. Head to sanspenseradio.com forward slash live to grab your tickets. Thanks, Jackson. And now, back to the game. As they approach you. Let me roll that one. Are there lights on near where we are? Lights on. Like stuff in the distance or in the town where where i am no there would not be but there are they've got torches they have

torches they're bringing their own cool cool that's fine i just need to know that for potentially some cool shit i want to do later okie dokie that's good i've just seen your picture and i That's maybe a little ominous. And I love it. It's when I'm doing a Barney burp. Start drawing horns and then realize I don't know how to draw. So stopped. I like it. It looks like something that would be drawn in the first season of True Detective as like the Yellow King or whatever that plot thread that went nowhere was. Aren't they doing a third one?

I know. How annoying was that that nothing really came of it? Yeah, spoiler alert, it's just a crazy guy. I guess there's that thing at the end, but there's like... The kind of vortex thing? Yeah, yeah. But that also kind of just goes nowhere. Yeah.

That was all right. You mean True Detective went nowhere? I'm excited for season three. But he's the truest detective. He can't do it. No one can. I'd just like to find a way now. I'm trying to look for a way to just like...

Just before this fight starts, Adam, I'd like to turn to Seahall. I'm like, well, Seahall, before we go into this, I'd like to tell you that time is a flat circle. She says, no, it's not. Yeah, it is. Glug, glug, glug. I'm going to drink a can of beer, smoke a cigarette, and, it's not. Yeah, it is. Glug, glug, glug. I'm going to drink a can of beer, smoke a cigarette and pull my hair back. Rust, is that his name?

Rust Cole. Fuck, what a cool name. What an amazing name. It's a name where you could smuggle in like four silent H's if you really wanted. Oh, yeah, they do. Yeah, I think there's one, yeah. And Woody, that's a great pairing though. Describing it as smuggling in four silent H's is very good.

I like that. How many silent H's does Mulder Benny have in it? 17. That's so cool. Well, they're all his middle name, which is... They're not silent. No, no. Three of them are pronounced.

That was just me breathing out after having completed saying the silent word. I'm so sorry. I'll never doubt you again. Do you know what his favorite wrestler is? Triple H twice in a bit. Annie. I might actually cry. That doesn't work for audio.

I guess you've just got naturally watery eyes then. Naturally watery eyes that make me feel a little bit like I don't want to know what's going on in your basement. I wish I had a basement. What am I, rich or a child? I never had a basement as well. We had like an underpart to our house growing up, but that was it that the dog used to try and sneak into.

She loved it down there. What a good dog she was. Loved it to death. What a good dog that was very patient when we dressed her up in my little brother's clothes all the time. Oh my god, yes. She was fine with it, except socks. She didn't like socks. She would always walk funny

to get them off. Oh my god, that's so cute. But pants, or shorts rather, she was cool with. The shirt, she was fine with. The hat, she was cool with. Even the shoes. It was just the socks specifically. We never put shoes on her. That was a joke. Anyway.

Battle! So, Molto Bene and Linus. If you want Molto Bene, by the way, you can direct Linus to do something on your action. Great. Otherwise, he'll just act as whatever he thinks he needs to do. But feel as though he's like an extra action you can do.

And Linus is like a knight, yeah? Yeah, he's wearing full plate armor. He's got a long, big, great big halberd. And he's old. Yeah, he's old. Pushing like 60. Right, jeez. He's like 50 years younger than I am. He's Clint Eastwood. Right, okay, cool. great big halberd and he's old yeah he's an old yeah he's old pushing pushing like 60 right geez it's like 50 years younger than i am he's clint eastwood right okay cool with a halberd i like

that get off my town with a halberd and full plate armor yeah clint eastwood in that movie hellblade full plate armor hellblade full plate armor that's a great movie i love that movie yep his name's hellblade he has a halberd that was great that's a great movie god was uh was amazing shakespearean and character actor yeah good make the joke about an actor you can't fucking name come on let's go what the fuck's his name who rave finds noiennes? No, he's in the Eragon movie. John Malkovich? No, in the Dungeons and Dragons movie. Jeremy Irons.

Jeremy Irons, thank you. Jeremy Irons, he's in everything D&D. And thus completes the joke. So what do you want to do? Don't say my middle name like that. What do I want to do? I'm going to read these cards and figure out what they mean. I don't think any of them are going to help you.

The enemy has yet to breach the walls. Cool. If you want, you could just direct Linus to hold until someone appears over the lip of the wall, and then he can, you know. Hey, Linus, you should hold until somebody appears over the lip of the wall and then maybe you know i'll just keep playing my like my my tune i give him bardic inspiration oh yeah sure you can do that good idea actually that's more battle music yeah it's good battle music though yeah we need boss fight music yeah exactly and then it'll get faster and we think we've beaten the boss, but we haven't. Yeah, it's got its third and final form.

And if you want... Cass has checked out. Oh, no, as in, like, that's the third battle. Yeah, it's scary. No, I've lived that. No, shut up. I know what... No, let's do this.

Let's fight them. Over the... Oh, wait, that's fucking right. I's fight them. Over the... Oh, wait. That's fucking right. I was going to give you... You can also hold your action if you want until you can see enemies. So what you can do is... So you can prepare a spell but not cast it until someone's over the edge.

You might want to hold something like Vicious Mockery. Well, finally, I am literally holding Vicious Mockery. So I'll hold that. Yeah, because something like a dissonant... A crouch hold. Something like a dissonant whispers is more powerful, but you might want to save that for a later wave of enemies. Okay, nice, yeah. As you, Molto Bene, and Linus are holding your actions, a giant constrictor snake begins to slide over the wall.

Now you can act if you want. He attacks, and you can as well if you want. He attacks and you can as well if you want. You've held your action. Now the enemy is there. I'm somewhere else, aren't I? Yeah, you've all been separated. Cool. Okay, I use my vicious mockery at the snake.

Alright. And say, you don't have any fucking legs! What did you catch? Aren't you hilarious? You fail critically. Oh, damn it. Hashtag shameful. Do I actually fail critically?

Yeah, you actually do. Oh, shit. If you have a re-roll, giving a bonus is not good enough because you rolled a one. You need a re-roll or advantage. What about a succeed? Sorry? Oh, just succeed? Yeah, that works as well.

Do we want to use it now? No, I reckon I'm good for now. Okay. We can save it. All right. How do you say it? It's not sans. It's sans.

Yes. Sans. We do not pronounce the name of our podcast. Oh, no, we don't. I know. But no, that's the French version. We have sans serif and stuff. English pronunciation is different.

Sans pants. Is sans serif without serif? Yes. That's dumb. Is sans serif without serif? Yes. That's dumb. What's serif? Serif is the little knob on the end of letters. You know, Times New Roman has all the hats on the feet. Sorry?

Had Times New Roman, the letters all look like they're wearing hats and shoes. I guess, yeah. Well, Helvetica does not. Yeah. That's serif. Serif are the hats and shoes of letters. There's uber serif, which you can't even read because it's just knobs. Just knobs?

Yeah. This might sound sarcastic, but I very genuinely mean this. That is such a cool thing to know. I wish I knew little things like that. I love knowing little things like that. Anyway, songs. Every time I hang out with you, I'm impressed by the things you know. Except that story off-air you told about the pizza box. That was pretty boring.

I could tell. Sans or Sans everything. Make a DC 16 saving throw with your spellcasting ability on a failed save you age 5D10 years. Ah! you age 5D10 years. What? What?

You fail! What? Hang on, hang on, hang on. I love how we had a conversation where you were like, I was like, do you want me to give you my succeed attack roll you said you're going to be 900 oh my god

sorry you're going to smell and then just for some reason age 900 years in time. What the fuck will Linus think? You age 38 years. What?

How old were you at the beginning of this adventure? I just said I was 111 because I think it's the name that the age Bilbo is at the beginning of Lord of the Rings. Hang on, I gotta figure out how long... Imagine if you just died of old age. What? That's fine. That's fine. Just worth it for liars to see it and to think. Also, I also had to foot you in a circumstance.

I'm like, no, I'm gonna hold off on this. Oh my gosh. So you just said, oh, you don't have any fucking legs and then died of old age. That is the greatest death in all of fiction. It's just like the end of the third Indiana Jones

where the guy drinks on the wrong goblet and goes... Oh, man. All right, so... My back hurts from laughing. What's that, 110 or something? What did you say? Well, 111, I think, is 111.

But, I mean, to be honest, I do think I'm more Frodo's age. All right, which is like 50, isn't it? I think he's like 60-ish. All right. I'll ask. Well, either way, you're alive. You're still alive because halflings live around 250 years. Oh, thank God. Oh, God. But you still alive because halflings live around 250 years. Oh, thank God.

But you still age 38 years. Get it off my lawn! Linus! I don't feel so good! Oh my, what's happened to Can I still sing? Oh no. Oh no.

I stopped vomiting. Linus maybe just thinks you're going through puberty. It happens to a boy your age. You'll become interested in women. I don't know what age I am. Linus has maybe put off his attack a little bit. He still swings for the snake. I am This is gonna fucking spin us out When we see him He still swings for the snake

That is the best Critical fail Linus also critically fails Oh my god Don't worry he's not using magic He's not gonna age I mean this might still hurt I can't fucking believe it

I'm so happy this is the best He's not going to age. I mean, this might still hurt. I can't fucking believe it. I'm so happy. This is the best. I'm just imagining this in a movie, right? Like, Helm's Deep is beginning. Gimli and Legolas are standing at the gates of Helm's Deep, and the orcs arrive, and for no reason, Legolas just gets, what, 34 years older? And then, like, they just have to keep going.

Mercy me. So, Linus's fail results in a twisted ankle. His speed is reduced by 15 feet until he finishes a short rest. He swings up, he looks back at you, does a double take. What? Do I have a beard? I guess you would, yeah. Hey.

What happened? He twists painfully and wrong. You see his foot go the wrong way around. He cries out in pain and then falls against the uh the rock wall oh shit the snake finishes its slithering over and then a second and then a third and then a fourth in total eight snakes slither over the side they strike at you eight snakes That's at least seven too many snakes Why did it always have to be eight snakes? I thought the joke you were about to make

It's much better joke You're only afraid of eight of them It could have been six, seven, five Even nine, you know What is your armor class? Molto Bene, you are in trouble 115, oh shit Yeah, that's

not good. This is maybe the worst turn in D&D history. You... God. Molto Bene, this is really bad. We could have used that and you would have been fine. Would have been fine. You're an old man

and you're about to die. Yeah. Oh my god, I'm so dead Stop Adam no I can't help what's about to happen Oh boy You get bitten four times That was four It's not that bad because it's only a d4 damage

From being bitten However You can feel them injecting you with poison and you know that's just not gonna end well oh god so sorry what's my damage i'm about to tell you oh all right 16 plus is this the damage? Yep. Shit. What's your hit points? I got 33.

Okay. Adam. Adam. I'm sorry. The story about the pizza box was really interesting. Everything goes black. I was such a beautiful boy. You are the only person not with a healer, I've just realized as well.

Now let's find out how Linus does. Oh, God. I suppose it is too late to use a fortuitous circumstance, right? Yeah, feel free to play a fortuitous circumstance. Oh, man. What I was hoping to do was I was going to try and get my flute out and charm the snakes away. Yeah. And use the fortuitous circumstance to aid in that impossible plan.

But now I'll use this fortuitous circumstance. I don't want to see this black, baby. All right. Well, put the card in. Nothing's going to happen immediately. And you're still unconscious, but something fortuitous has happened to you. You will find out in due time. Oh, nice.

Oh, you were fighting at the gaps where the stream is, weren't you, Molto Bene? No. That was... You were by Greenchapels. No, I'm at Greenchapels. I was at the front gate, wasn't I? At the gate, right.

Yeah, yeah, sorry, yeah. You were at the gate. You were by the stream, weren't you? Lunabon, yeah. All right, so you can see through the gaps that the stream creates in the wall they are as small as they can be but they are still quite large large enough for a giant snake a huge snake some might say large enough to constrict a huge so let me try and think. Big enough that if a bus were a person, it would not have to hinge its jaw to eat the bus. That's too big.

It, shall we say, slips its way through a gap in the wall. Okay. Is that the one that circles the world? No. Fucking hell. That's bigger than this. The snake comes through. It is being ridden by what you assume is a yaunty pureblood.

Let me get a photo for you. Photo? A picture. Yeah, they're real. Basically a humanoid. Sorry? It's a weird pose. It is.

I'm going to stab you. It's a humanoid with just snake-like features. It's holding a knife like this. Yeah, it's like a thumbs down, but with a knife. Thumbs down, bitch. That's what she looks like. She's saying. I would like to.

Oh, no, it's their turn. The snake strikes at you, Littobon. Uh, no. No. Oh, that's going to get past your armor class. That sucks. Look, it's not a poisonous snake, so... Yeah, it's a constrictor.

Yeah. You take 12 points of damage. What does that put me on? Uh, that puts you on 21. There was a bit of time between this fight and the last fight. Okay, good. You've all completely healed up. Oh, thank goodness.

I was like, oh, no, I'm on not very many. And the yaunty riding it casts a spell at Seahawks. No, I'm with Seahawks. No, at Garl. Sorry, at Garl. Get your shit together, Adam. Fuck. Garl raises a shield.

The shield bears the face of a screaming dwarf, his beard and hair coming out all around him to form the edges of the shield. The spell, a spray of magical poison, splashes across the shield and deals him no damage. Good. Good, good, good. Meanwhile, at Greenchapel's house, the wall is completely broken down, and there are, standing behind it,

two yaunty purebloods. The yaunty purebloods hiss at you and move forwards to strike both you and Seahall. Uh, Goody? They have torches? Uh, one of them is carrying a torch. And, like, it's helping them see?

No, actually. As they move in, the auntie with the torch just casually throws it in a direction towards one of the buildings. It looks like they mean to burn part of the town. Damn it. That's not what I wanted to do. I was going to snuff out all their torches with my big spooky Batman magic. One of the Yon-T strikes at you with a scimitar.

Fuck that. It cannot... This one is the only one that cannot get past a player's AC. Yeah, I'm very drunk. The other one strikes at Seahall with a scimitar. Can't get past Seahall's AC either. So they've got scimitars drawn and they're bearing down at you. You can see in their other hand, both of them have dripping magical poison that they quite obviously mean to throw and use as a weapon.

Then it is Lunabon and Gahl's turn. So Lunabon, like I said, you can use Garl as... You can basically just direct him to do something. He'll act otherwise if you don't tell him to do something, but you can be like, do that while I do this or something like that. Garl, kill the wanty woman. Do not touch the snake. She is our top priority. And what do you want to do?

I want to cast Animal Friendship on the snake. It has no effect. You can tell that a spell of Animal Friendship has already been cast upon the snake. Sorry, Cass. So I need to just make this woman die. That's doable. Let's do this. Okay.

But that's my spell, I guess. If you can, try and age her 34 years. 38, actually. Yeah, it was 38. And then knock her unconscious. You still have a bonus action and your movement. Oh, okay. Can I do a spell and a bonus action?

Some spells can be cast in a bonus action. You'll have to check. While you're doing that, I'll roll for Garl's attack at the woman. Garl drops. He had a mace in the other hand, the head of which was also a screaming dwarf's head. He drops that and a ball of holy energy springs to life in his hand. He hurls it with energy at the yaunty pureblood. It strikes her.

She hisses in pain and takes eight points of damage. Can I move 30 feet away from... Yeah, sure. Yeah. All right. While that's happening, Goodness and Seahall, it's your turn. Once again, you can control Seahall.

However, she looks behind her and says, Oh, no! You turn around and you can see Molto, Bene, and Linus being overwhelmed by snakes. Seahall says, I need to get to them. She sprints off before you can tell her to do anything. Say how you don't touch...

Oh, God damn it. It was. Well, you don't touch. Oh, God damn it. It was. Well, then, lady snake. What did you want to tell her? You can still say something. I was going to say, if you can. No way, they've been already animal friendship doll, haven't they? You didn't know that.

But you do know that they're servants of the yaunty. Say, have fun. I don't know what to say. I didn't say anything actually I was going to go there because I'm quicker But that's fine You're not that far She's going to get there and be able to heal them this time

She's pretty quick actually as well I can't heal Fair enough there Goodness You're facing down two yaunty purebloods You actually don't feel... You feel a little confident. Like, it doesn't...

They weren't able to land a hit on you. They don't look like incredibly amazing fighters. I'm also sourced, so I feel great. Yeah, that too. Bardic inspiration. Oh, I'm amazing. All right. I'm gonna use some martial arts to...

Can I aim so that I can get the hands with the poison? You can certainly give it a shot. They've not released a spell yet, so it's obviously magical, and they've not released the spell. It looks like they're just charging off. If I cut their hand off with the poison, no. How would you cut? Oh, do you have a sword?

I have a short sword, yeah. Okay. No, you could try. Yeah. Yeah. Can I go for inimimimimo? Oh, you, have a sword? I have a short sword, yeah. Okay. No, you could try. Yeah. Can I go for... Oh, you lady on the right. So you get two...

No, you only get three attacks if you spend a point of ki. Correct. I'm not using a ki. I get a second. I get two attacks. Oh, you're spending a point of ki? No, no, no. All right, all right.

But I move faster thanks to my drunken technique. Your first attack is a hit. With the short sword, you strike. You deal seven points of damage to the yuan-ti that you are fighting. Do I get a hand? No, you try to slash at her hand, but she moves it out of your reach, and you cut her across the chest instead. Your second attack, so unfortunately, is a critical fail. No, it's not, Adam.

I succeed. Never mind. Yay! The card got used. Your second attack with your hand deals only four points of damage. That's right. That's what? You just smack her in the side of the...

No. You... No. You... No, no, no. The opening that you made in her chest, you punch with your fist. She doubles over in pain. That's called a good chapel two-step punch. She... Green chapel, not good chapel.

That's if we married. What? Green chapel two-step punch? Yeah, yeah. You're writing them all down, aren't you? Yeah. Then it is... It was Goodness and Seahawks.

Oh, speaking of which... Molto bene, you... Oh, no. She'll do more than that. You die. Imagine. No, you wake up on the ground. You have 13 hit points.

Sea hole is standing over you. Oh, shit, it's real. Man, someone get me some bones to turn into something. Sea hole is standing over you. You can tell that she's just completed a spell You smell rosemary Am I in heaven? Not yet, she says

Oh damn You're a bleak man Molto bene, it's your and Linus' turn I've had a fucking day Sorry, what's that? It's your and Linus' turn Get back up My knees don't work as well as they used to Sorry, what's that? It's your and Linus' turn. Okay, get back up. Jesus.

My knees don't work as well as they used to. Okay. Should I try charming these snakes, or is that just completely stupid? You could... Oh, you need animal friendship, not charm person. Do you have charm person? No, no, I just meant with my flute. Like I'm a snake charmer.

You could... Oh, that's enthrall. That's literally enthrall, yeah. Let's do it. Is that what this does? I'm not reading this card. Basically, yeah. Can you pass me the card?

Okay, no, I'll just read it. I weave a distracting string of words, causing creatures of my choice that I can see within range and can hear me to make a wisdom saving throw. Any creature that can't be charmed succeeds on the saving throw automatically, and if you're convinced of fighting a creature, it has an advantage on the save. Fighting a creature, it has the advantage on the save. On a failed save, the target has disadvantage on wisdom,

checks made to perceive any creature other than you until the spell... See what I mean? I got bored at creatures makes a saving throw. On a failed save, the target has disadvantage on wisdom, perception checks, made to perceive any creature other than you until the spell ends or until the target can no longer hear you. The spell ends if I'm incapacitated or can no longer speak. So what's the negative effect? Well, they're paying attention basically to you and only you. Right.

Does that mean they're going to come and kill me? You just move past friends and they can protect you like linus just stand behind him you're basically pied pipering them right so i don't enthrall them so they just attack only me i would say that they become interested in only you but they don't attack okay cool yes great i enthrall i pull out my flute and go, oh, here goes nothing. Because we fought a mummy and that was in my head, I guess. One passes. That will be a fail.

Pass and a fail. Another pass. Another pass. So out of four so far out of four out of eight you've gotten one pass sorry they get advantage on this no no of course of course they fucking you distract two of them out of the eight two of them are paying attention to you and only you. They start slithering towards you. They're not necessarily non-hostile, but you can see that they're hovering near you

and refuse to do anything other than just listen to your music. Is that a concentration spell? I believe so. You can still act while this is happening, but you need to be able to keep singing or whatever you're doing to distract them. Are you playing an instrument? Yeah, I'm on my flute. Yeah, you just need to continue doing that.

I could do that one-handed. Yeah, pretty much. You could just keep casting spells even. I would allow that. Okay. Meanwhile, Linus swipes at one of the snakes. Sorry, Cass. Sorry, Lunabon.

That's very- Cass, very good. Kill them snakes. Lunabon, never touch a snake. Unless it's for cuddles. He kills two out of the six snakes still fighting. Oh! What? I thought they were, like, massive snakes. These ones are not as big as the one that Lunabon is fighting.

These ones are medium-sized, so big enough to be a threat to a man, a human being. But anything larger than that, they're just a nuisance. Like to a horse, horse isn't going to care too much. Well, horses are skittish animals. Why are we getting horses to fight? They're not great fighters. I was watching a thing about how we tamed the horse for combat it was like this whole anyway there's no interest this is just gonna be another this sounds like one of those interesting facts you know um but two of the snakes are killed yes

and that leaves only four left that are fighting I like the little looks you're giving each other. Excluding me, that's good. This is the look I give Adam. That wasn't really nice. I can't be mad at that Adam look. Four snakes attempt to take down Linus. Oh, no, Linus. I mean.

No, actually three try to take down Linus. One attacks you still. Oh, God. They cannot. Linus. One attacks you still. Oh, God. They cannot. Linus is in full plate armor, and they are snakes. They don't know what the fuck they're doing. The snake that attacks you. What's your armor class?

My armor class is 15. That will be a hit, unfortunately. So you get bitten again, and more poison is being pumped into your veins. Do you have anything for a saving throw? Advantage on a skill or attack roll. Plus D10 after making a saving throw? Yep, you'll want that.

Spend that, boy. The dice do not love me today. They really don't. All right. Does anyone else have anything? Because I think he's still failing. Oh, no, no. You pass.

Barely. By the skin of your teeth. Story of my life. Yeah. You pass. Shush. You pass this saving throw. You still take five points of damage from being bitten, but you don't take the extra poison damage.

Which would have knocked you out again. Oh, no. Malto wants to sleep he's very old he's yeah you're on eight hit points now i can't get over that that's fucking hilarious that's so good has that ever come up before in a game that one um i think once once before there are i don't, several times I've had in games that someone has been aged magically, but there are actually a couple of different ways of doing it in D&D, and I don't know if they were from a critical fail. Or I don't know if the other ones, times that it happened, were from a critical fail, I can't remember.

I think so, though. I think so. And then the giant snake and its rider cass the giant snake attacks you the rider attacks gal uh this time it moves in close and you can see luna bonn that the snake is trying to constrict you bless you thank you bless you thank you all? Yeah, that last one made me dizzy. You take 18 points of damage. Oh, yikes. So for those playing at home, that leaves me on three.

Sorry, how much damage did I take in that last? You took five points. You're on eight hit points now. Lunabon, you are now grappled. You are held in place. You cannot move. The snake is slowly crushing you. Meanwhile. Can I ask it why it's doing this? Lunabon, you are now grappled. You are held in place. You cannot move. The snake is slowly crushing you.

Meanwhile... Can I ask it why it's doing this? Yes, but on your turn. Meanwhile, the yaunty, the yaunty pureblood, throws another ball of acid at Garl, who once again deflects it with his shield. Then it is... Oh, right, and the two yawn tea attack you Bring it on

One of them scores a hit Incorrect As in a card? No no you're just wrong I humbly disagree You take three points of damage Being drunk should kind of give you an invulnerability To damage a little bit

Yeah you fall you go loose It means he can't feel it doesn't mean it's not happening Yeah I suppose No but your body goes limp should kind of give you an invulnerability to damage a little bit. Yeah, you fall, you go loose. Fuck my intelligence up. It means you can't feel it. It doesn't mean it's not happening. Yeah, I suppose. No, but your body goes limp. Yeah. It's literally the reason I move faster

and I can move out of the way after doing a certain attack. That's in a car crash. Oh, what is... Yeah. What is it being attacked with a scimitar other than being in a car crash? Is that what you were about to say? Maybe. It's also falling, I guess that what you were about to say? Maybe.

It's also falling, I guess. If you fall over because you're limp. That's why you can't hurt a baby. Play tennis with them. It's cool. Question. If I've been hit... Yeah, sorry. Can I use Hellish Rebuke? Yeah, you can. Yeah, absolutely. Great.

Use Hellish Rebuke on her yeah yeah she is consumed in a bowl of flames she screams taking seven points of damage when the fire subsides there is nothing but ash ash and a charred corpse actually there's quite a lot left it's disgusting i want to turn to the other snake be like you hit me again you'll be your friend that is both an intimidation and a bluff because i know you only get one of those oh really yep once a day she seems somewhat unperturbed she seems like she's ready to die or that she is willing to die to advance in their social structure that's so sad can say he'll come back and help me fight this other one? Oh, yeah. She comes back, and on her way back, she conjures a ball of flames in her hands and then hurls it at the other one.

Fire! Wise! She scores a critical hit. I told you. Whoop! Eruption. Triple damage. Whoa!

Jesus! She deals 18 points of damage the other uh yaunty is consumed in flames and burns to a crisp uh now that you're free of your fight here you can see the yaunty pure bloods and snakes have crawled in all over the place. The fighting looks like it's going in your favor. With the added defenses of the wall and the extra bolstered strength of being fully fed by Pi, the defenders of the town are fighting back and are pushing the Yonti back out of the town. You can see that maybe Molto Bene needs help and maybe Lunabon needs help. It's up to you who you want to go to.

Seahall, I propose a radical course of action. We split up. All right, where do you want to send Seahall? Seahall to Molto. Oh, wait, no. Seahall to Cass because you want three hit points, yeah? So Seahall to Lunabon. I'm going to come and get over there.

Alright, so you sprint towards Molto Bene and Seaholt, well, she's already moved, but on her turn, she will move and help Lunabon. Yes. Lunabon needs help, thank you very much. As I run towards them, I want to do my Thaumaturgy

and just do like a big lightning bolt like a fucking badass fucker. Thunder. That's so awesome. It sure is. Thunder splits the night sky, illuminating your slightly bloodied face. And red eyes. And red eyes. I'm terrifying.

Well, your red eyes were already illuminated. They were more illuminated. Super illuminated. Yes. Can I start fluting Thunderstorm? Did I just do the turns wrong? Lunabon, did you just have a turn? I think I got the turns mixed up.

I didn't just have a turn. I got got. I wanted to talk and I wasn't allowed. Who went just before you? My auntie went before me. Yeah, I did the turn order wrong. Sorry about that. Luna Bon and Garl, you should have gone before then,

but no enemies have gone in between you, so it's not a big deal. Get a good boy card, whatever. Ooh, thank you. Will my blatant bribery make our heroes forget my mistake, or must my penance continue? Find out next time on Into the Jungle Island of Dendar

at D&D's for Nerds Adventure. Thanks for listening. If you want to help support this show and all our other shows on the Sandspans Radio Network, just head to sandspansPlus.com. And for as little as $5 a month, you get access to episodes early, all completely ad-free, as well as a heap of bonus content. That's SandspansPlus.com.

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