D&D is For Nerds - Jarren's Outpost #14 Trouble on the Homefront

Episode Date: August 15, 2017

In which our heroes tussle with some red-haired halflings.Want to help fundraise in aid of PSC Support? Just head over to sanspantsradio.podkeep.com and give what you can for a brand new D&D adventure! And if you’re wanting to know more about PSC Support, you can head here; http://www.pscsupport.org.uk.Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your tickets for our Melb Fringe Shows or UK tour right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: redbubble.com/people/sanspantsradio or teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter: twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Adam: twitter.com/RetroArchetypeJackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadHandsome Tom: twitter.com/AwkwardTreedZammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio, does this smell off to you? grab your tickets. D&D is on the 23rd of September and check out sandspantsradio.com slash live for the dates and times of our other shows. Now, enjoy the show. Welcome to chapter 14 of Jaron's Outpost Hustle, a D&D is for Nerds adventure. Once before this time, but not including this time. How emaciated are they? Would it be more of a distraction if we let them all go? Takes you half an hour to pick the lock, Leo. By the time you're done, they're done. Before he goes, I put my hand on his shoulder and I just go, man in glass castle, shouldn't have pressed it.

Why don't I, because presumably it's trapped, it's only able to be passed by certain people with the right code, if I make myself look like Eaton. Oh, you could give the handle to go, see if it opens. Yeah, go on. Greg Piss is stupid, but he's not that stupid. Doors are unlocked, but, um... Let's see what happens.

Do I think it'd be fooled by my alter self? I assume I still look like Eden. I haven't changed that. Your hands become frozen to the door, and ice starts to come along, or starts to chill off your arms. The room is tiny compared to the door that's guarding it. In the room is a table, the door that's guarding it. In the room is a table, and on the table are three bags. You wander up to the table and consider the bags,

but you feel it would be wrong to steal. Perhaps there's a better way to do this. What is the vault door? You do realize the two Thursdays are out with you. I'll fight them, that's fine. Just barely, the dagger slips easily into your thigh, Pierce. I'm a killer. You put him in the vault. You roll him into the vault

and close the doors on him. Speaking of not seeing things coming, Periwinkle and Leo, you stare down the hallway at the new threat. Yes. The new and up-and-coming halfling family. Blazing red hair all twenty of them.

They have weapons leveled at you. I can't help but notice you've got a little something there that we're looking for. Would that be my left hand or my right hand? Look, we can

talk about this all day, but there's only one way you're getting out of here alive, and that's if you chuck us the bag. Yeah. Chuck him the bag, Leo. But I really want... Fine! I throw him the bag. Blue lining or red buckle?

Red buckle's the one I have. You've got both. Oh, do I? Oh, yeah. The heavier one. No, wait. The heavier one? It doesn't matter.

Whichever bag you throw him, he sees through your ruse. Can't help but notice you've got a couple other bags there. Can we try another ruse? I'm not very charismatic. Fine, fine, fine, fine. Carrot, fine. Do you throw them the real bag? No, I don't have it.

I've got the real bag. Here it is. He doesn't know that, though. Once again, he shakes his head. Why don't you just give us everything you've got? Nah, I don't think that's going to work. Everything I've got? If you're going to turn this into some sort of like,

well, here's everything I've got, and then you charge us. It's not going to work. You know that, right? I'll give you everything I've got. You better be reaching for a bag, he says. He does not seem to be happy with whatever's going on. I'm enjoying this Guy Ritchie's Adam Cannavale's lock, stock, and two smoking halflings. Medium piece.

Times two. You can only throw one at a time. Well, you throw the first one, and then they'll have a response. Do you have a large? Oh, no, I do have a large one, don't I? You have the one big one. I throw the big one. The one large B medallion.

I throw the big one. Big one. I might reach into this magical item bag in my hand. Also, I'm imagining it's Saturday and Thursday. We're picking up what I'm putting down and they're also getting ready to fuck shit up. I feel like I could punch my... Like, if I could punch through, like,

nine orcs earlier in this adventure, I could punch through, like, 15 halflings. I feel like, yeah, like, there's, like, two, maybe three halflings to an orc. Like, sure. Yeah, yeah. So I reckon 18 halflings, which leaves two left. Fuck, you got this.

Yeah. It's a shame. I was hoping they were going to frame me, but, like, yeah. So I reckon 18 halflings, which leaves two left. Fuck, you got this. Yeah. It's a shame. I was hoping they were going to frame me, but, like, look. Still a champ. They hate you. You don't know about that. I don't know about the short ones. Yeah, we don't know.

Nah, you have- They sold my debt, but other than that, that's my only impression. They're up and coming. They're up and coming. They hate you. Well, no one hates you. No, we should have done. We should have bargained for Greg Pierce, but I don't know how to bargain, so sorry.

That's fine. I wouldn't have even thought about bargaining for Greg Pierce to be on. It's not true. You'd be like, oh, for Greg Pierce. They're like, I don't know how to bargain, so sorry. That's fine. I wouldn't have even thought about bargaining for Greg Pierce to be on. It's not true. You'd be like, oh, for Greg Pierce. They're like, we don't want Pierce. No one wants Pierce. What about Pierce and a blanket? Halflings, notoriously bad at reflex saves, will probably not do very well here.

Good. And it was the big Bs, too. You don't know when I'm being sarcastic. So, Halflings, notoriously good at re-flex saves, will probably do pretty well here. Okay. Well, if the bees don't work, I'm just gonna punch the shit out of all of them.

Get them good. A massive explosion of bees disrupts their line regardless. Highs all those? Let's go highs. Highs? You wound a bunch of them, but you only actually kill one. Oh, man. Is it the boss?

No, definitely not the boss. The big boss. Then we go to initiative. How badly did I wound the bunch? Not very. A lot of them managed to escape unscathed. Don't get me wrong. All of them have taken some minor damage, but some of them have taken, like,

basically no damage. But you did hurt pretty much everyone. Let's do this shit. Well, you can. I am not on well hit points. Get behind me. I am. Like, I'm gonna hide. I'm not gonna hide. Also, when you get behind me, how good are you at sneaking stuff

to other people? Fine, I guess. You should give the bag to one of the Thursdays. Oh, yeah. A hail of crossbow bolts sail in your direction. Shit. Bring it on. Uh-oh. Goodbye, Elio.

Goodbye to the heavens. I did my best. Goodbye, Elio Goodbye To the heavens I did my best I died doing what I loved Locking a man in a safe You're just fucked now That was a big gamble Oh yeah, but you gotta take those gambles

Imagine if I trapped you two in a safe That would have been amazing Periwinkle, of the ten that aim Vaguely in your direction You've got to take those gambles. Just imagine if I trapped you two in a safe. That would have been so good. That would have been amazing. Periwinkle? Yeah? Of the ten that aim vaguely in your direction, six score hits. The rest, like, so many are just knocking each other out of the way trying to attack you. Yeah.

That's not too bad. I'm a big fella. You can cop it. You can cop it. You can cop it. I've got a pretty high constitution. Yeah. Yeah.

Is there any... Where are they? Are they at the other end of the barricade or are they past the barricade? They're on the other end of the barricade. So it's a disadvantageous position for them, but there's a lot of them. Yeah, no fair.

So some of the arrows would hit the barricade, some of them wouldn't. Yeah, pretty much. Move the barricade? Can we just push the barricade into squishing them into the wall? No, it's like stone set there. If I'm alive, I'm going to hide.

That's if I'm alive. Oh, jeez. You take 38 points of damage in total. I'm on now, by the way. I only took like 10 before. You're a bit past halfway now. That's all right. I'm still pretty strong.

Leo, though. Yeah, I'm fucked. We've had five. What's the actual number? Hang on Hang on wait I'm just calculating it now Good because I need to know For what I'm going to do next I'm excited for the gamble you're taking I've taken it before

You're on 26 Not all of them bother Firing at Leo because they can tell That you're badly wounded. No, no, no, I surrender. Oh, do you just like... Oh, well, you haven't had your turn, unfortunately. Raise my hand.

Please don't hit me. Oh, jeez. Unfortunately, you don't. Like Tommy Gunn style, they just start shooting at you guys, except it's crossbow bolts, so it doesn't really work like that. Fuck.

Well, you're... It's bad. You are on... You take... Well, you're on negative eight. So what pushes you to negative eight? 18 points of damage. Are you gonna die? Maybe. Your voice will help me.

Scarpa. So what'll happen is next turn while you'll be bleeding out you make a quick check which is like a 1 in 10 chance and if you get that

1 in 10 chance you stay at negative 8 otherwise you get a negative 9. Round after that same check. That's when you die if you fail. Your boys need to save me.

They can do that on the turn that Adam can try and win. Speaking of your boys Can one of them try and save Xander? They get peppered as well. Can one of them try and save Leo?

One of them certainly can, yeah. Two of them take hits. So the one who doesn't take hits can help Leo. One of them gets downed. We'll say Saturday.

Saturday goes down. Is he dead? You can't tell. He just took one to the chest directly in his heart. He collapses backwards. The rest of you take, like, I'm not even going to describe where you're hit.

You're hit all over. You feel like a pin cushion. Well, now I'm a very angry pin cushion. Oh, that's wrong. Did one of the Thursdays heal, Leo? Sorry, it's... This is the... I'm like, why is piss in this initiative order?

Oh, this is the wrong initiative. I'm going to free myself. That's why. It's Parawinkle's turn. Parawinkle, they haven't really moved much. So if you want, you could throw another, like, B-bomb at them and do a smattering of damage. The first one didn't do much, but you did hurt a bunch of them.

A second one... I used my big one. I've still got my two medium and two small ones left. So I used one of the medium ones. While telling Thirstative to stabilize Leo. Hey! The weapon in the bag?

Does that require complicated setup? It's a gnomish device, so you imagine, yeah. So I wouldn't be able to use it on these halfling fuckers? Well, you haven't seen it in action, so you have no guarantees one way or the other, but you could certainly try to open the bag and get into it to have a look. Anyway, you can also do that this time. Yeah, I'm going to do that too.

So you chuck the little bee thing. It doesn't deal as much damage this time around, but a bunch of them have been weakened, and you managed to kill a further five. So there are six dead in total now. Great. How many were there? 20.

20. So there's 14 left. Good luck. Good luck. Have my boys done any... Oh, hello, Melody. Have my boys... That was...

Oh, dear. Have my boys done any damage to anybody? They haven't had their turn yet. Okay, then that's good. Leo? Oh, that's right, sorry. Periwinkle, you also check on the bag. You try to open it, but it won't move.

You look at it, and you see a combination lock written in gnomish. Oh, fuck. Gotcha. Oh, jeez. We'll get to that in a fucking... Oh, actually, wait, do you know Gnomish? By any chance? Because, fuck, that'd be good.

I... No, you don't. No, I know Common and Orc. Me too. Hmm. Do you know Gnomish? No. I'm dating a gnome.

All right. Sure know Gnomish. Widowed of a gnome. You don't speak Gnomish, Periwinkle, but you know it's a... The combination is ten digits long or 10 things long the gnomish alphabet has 58 characters in it so 58 to the power of 10 good luck yeah yeah no no i was saving this for a little bit later when you guys had a closer look at it

but i did some quick math for you guys. I'm not 100% sure if the math is correct, but with that many different options and that many different combinations, there are 430 quadrillion, 804 trillion, 206 billion, 899 million, 405,000, 824 different combinations it could be, which would take you a total of 27.3 billion years So I better get started now So in time out, we gotta work this out Click click click

I put the bag back in my bag I'm dead I was like, now that they're, you know you know it's secure, you could give it to them and be like, fuck it, I don't care anymore. I have a feeling that they're probably going to be able to do some gnomish speaking. Speaking of which, Leo, would you like to roll the die yourself? So that's a ten-sided die on a zero.

Four. Four? No, you're negative nine. Zero? Oh, okay. I didn't Saturday, didn't one of my boys try to stabilize it? It hasn't been their turn yet. It's their turn now. Oh, good. Yeah. So. The one I didn't Saturday Didn't one of my boys Try to stabilise him It's their turn now

Oh good Yeah So The one that didn't get hit The one that got hit Is going to do fighting The one that got hit Is going to be fighting

No the one that got hit Is going to do stabilising Okay He stabilises you Oh thank Christ So you won't die next turn Oh good The other one

Charges down To try and fight Doesn't he have any ranged weapons They had crossbows a moment ago Oh yeah sure he fires that instead Actually it's probably good he fired that He scores a critical hit Sucking chest wound

I hope it's on the pupper guy He's only able to fire Because you guys aren't at the security checkpoint It's just as much a hampering Concealment for them as it is concealment for you. So he's only able to fire at one of the minor halflings. He kills him, though, by blowing out his chest. Can they see us clearly through the barricade?

You can kind of see each other. There's room to hide. It's their turn. The leader of this group yells, Where's this fuckers? Oh, yes. I object. They, well, three of them begin reloading.

The other ten drop their crossbows and charge in. Oh, no. Wait, that's good for you, though. They're not. They're charging in. One shoots at a guy, shot at them. This is bloody karma. I think your being in a vault is also karma. Thursday with a T goes down.

A crossbow bolt slices out part of his neck and he collapses. Oh, does he mean Ian's got and got? I don't know. Ian's outside. He hasn't given us any warnings, though. Wasn't Ian outside to keep an eye on things? He was. Why didn't he warn us of anything?

Because he got got. Where are my other boys causing distractions? Are they going to be able to help us? They're fighting with the big group. We are in a... Probably should have brought them with us. Pretty isolated right now. We should probably take a leaf out of Greg Pierce's book and run.

How? Just saying. Out of Windy? There's always an accident. Can we lock that vault from the inside? Can I just say, if I start running, I'm big and take big steps. If I pick up Leo, how quickly can we get past these fuckers? We wouldn't.

You'd be taking a lot of attacks of opportunity, but in one round you could bound past all of them. But getting past them is a difficult prospect. Yeah, they're going to hit me. Basically all of them are going to get a free hit as you run past. Is there a window to leap out of? You're underground. No, then.

It was one corridor. This stuff in place is designed to defend the vault. All right. Then one of them fires at the Thursday R, who was helping out Leo. I'm going to try to find the barricade. Thursday R goes down. The crossbow bolt pierces his ear and blows out the other side. Those they are slumps over Leo very dead.

Hey, my loot. All right. Then it is. Oh, wait, no. A bunch of them just close the distance. So they're up next to you. All of them have like various different fighting implements. Some of them are armed with simple swords or daggers.

Some of them have like more complicated, like it looks like two of them are dragging along like a net between them, but it's a hooked net. Periwinkle, it's your turn. There's like three of them in front of you. How many could I hit and kill in one hit with my gauntlets and my grape cleave? You could hit all three of them.

Fuck it. Let's do this shit. Do you want to take your own energy to use the gauntlets? How much energy do I expend using the gauntlets again? You take a d6 damage, but you deal an extra 2d6 damage. That's pretty good. It is, it is, it is. The problem is if I clear this three.

Although, if I clear this three, the next three have to get to me before they can attack me. They'll probably be able to do that just on their turn, though. We should have got some healing potions. That would have been clever of us. By the next wave of three, incidentally, is there a leader? Ah. Do you know what? Oh, you probably...

Actually. Yeah, you know this guy's street name. Cotton Socks, they call him. That's awesome. Hey, Cotton Socks. What? I'm about to fuck you into Irish whiskey, bitch. He's not one of the three right in front of you, though.

No, but like, he heard it. He didn't hear. Yeah, he heard it. He knows it's not going to happen. So, let's do it. I'm going to great cleave fucking gauntlet these people. Risky, but what is it? My other option was what?

Surrender? But I don't think that's an option at this point. Adam, as Tom, is surrendering an option at this point. Maybe. Bupkis. Are you going ahead with this attack? Yeah. Fuck it.

All right. You take 14 points of damage. You activated the gauntlets this attack? Yeah. Fuck it. All right. You take 14 points of damage. You activated the gauntlets, right? Yeah. You take 14 points of damage, putting you on 10 hit points. Oh, jeez. But you start moving forward, just punching through them. You kill three of them, and you have enough momentum to keep going to cotton socks if you want.

Yeah, I want to do that. I'm blind raged. Half of them are dead now. You're a fucking raging bull. That's what you want. Yeah, I want to do that! I'm blind raged. Half of them are dead now. You're a fucking raging bull. That's what you are. This could be Perry's last dance. The idea of the two of you dying and me just opening the vault

is real good. Grabbing like three bags. All right, and which one's which? You take another six points of damage, putting you on four hit points. But at the end of your rage, you have killed six of them. Boom. So there's none near me now.

There's still more coming. Cotton Socks, you've like picked him up and you picked him up with the blades on your fucking stinger. You just started you fucking Wolverine'd this shit. That's what I thought I did.

They're like Logan'd on the ground, if you will. I old man Logan'd these fuckers. So you kill Cotton Socks? Cotton Socks is dead, but they don't stop fighting. Oh, damn. Eh, well.

Then it is... Dammit, we shouldn't have shut the vault. Because I imagine, if we retreated to the vault and they came in to fight us, they wouldn't kill us, because killing is wrong. How many of the guards left?

Our Saturday fell down, but we don't know if he's dead. Right. Yep. Okay. So, their turn. Oh, jeez. It's like it should have been Saturday's turn now. At least once. Periwinkle, the net is thrown over you. I'd say you catch it all.

I don't like nets. You take three points of damage, putting you on one hit point, and you're completely bound in the net now. How did a net hurt you? Maybe it caught the arrow. It's got spikes on it. It's got hooks on it.

Oh, I see. The hooks begin to tear through your flesh. So I'm now in a net, and I can't fight my way out of the net. Also, I'm assuming my gauntlets have gone back to normal now, which is what's happened, because I'm in a net. You can reactivate the gauntlets on your next turn. But you will die. But it'll kill me. You're on one hit point. If you take any damage, you're out.

How many are left now? Seven left. One of them, you feel him extract. There's nothing you can do. You just are aware that he's doing it. He extracts the bag from your back, slides it over onto his back, and he yells,

Alright boys, we got what we came for! The halflings begin to scarper. Can I reach my necklace, Adam? Or, can I use my get out of jail free card? It's killing you! It is killing me. I did give you a get out of jail for free card.

I should have used it earlier. Okay. You can use a get out of jail for free used it earlier okay you can use your get out of jail for free card no roles required you just with a herculean effort burst out of the net rage is filling you you're watching the halfling scarpering back down the tunnel you take one step forward and you hear next to you a moan. Sunday, a Saturday, is badly wounded lying on the floor. If I go after the halflings, I don't have to make a roll. I get the bag back, but Saturday dies. You might get the bag back. You might get the bag back. You give yourself a chance.

Look, here's the option. Your mate is dying. Or we get the bag. And again, here's the option. Your mate is dying. Or we get the bag, and again, that's a big if, but also if they've got the bag, they might not know how to unlock it. Also, Little O's likely to help us if it's the Surefoots. If Eden

hadn't unlocked it by now, chance I will? Maybe we just gotta pick up battles. Man, I wanna punch people so bad I know What a bullshit get out of jail free card You're the one who cashed it mate

Yeah yeah yeah That's the trick with Adam He fucks you Well look I'm no longer being trapped by a net That's good That's a plus Could I

Throw my last remaining bees At the dissipating crowd And then pick up Saturday Nah it's a standard action To make a heal check And also to throw that bee thing Could I throw my last remaining bees at the dissipating crowd and then pick up Saturday? No, it's a standard action to make a heel check and also to throw that bee thing. So you're using your turn either way to do this. All right. Oi!

Does any of them turn around? One of them looks over his shoulder. Just so you know, tell your old man when I find him, I will eat him alive He like stops right before he turns around the corner Turns around to you It's the guy who grabbed the bag off you And he says You know where we live He ducks around the corner

Fucking gotcha I'm gonna break some halfling necks I check on Saturday If he dies anyway. No, you stabilize Saturday. It takes you, like, a little while, but you manage to strap his wounds so that they've stopped bleeding.

Saturday's, like, gonna have to be carried out of here. I pick up Saturday. Oh, you probably check the two Thursdays. Two Thursdays are definitely dead, though. No, actually. The one who got his throat torn out, you save him as well. You're a hero.

Thursday T is alive, but Thursday R is dead. Thursday R is dead. The Thursdays are not going to be the same with just one Thursday. No. It's like when a twin dies. Like, they weren't twins,

but it's like when a twin dies. It's like the Weekend Brothers when he lost Sunday. Yeah, exactly. Is Leo conscious yet? No. No, Leo won't be conscious until, like, he's healed.

Am I going to need to carry all three of these dickheads out of here? Yes. Yes. Can I carry all three of these dickheads out of here? That's just strange. I'm pretty strong. Leo's kind of little. What I reckon you do is, maybe part of the security checkpoint, there was like a table.

You break the legs off the table. Load them up like a stretcher. Load them up like a stretcher and you drag it with you. Yeah, right. Drag it behind me like they're on a sled or something. Yeah. All right. It takes you a long while, but you get back to the entryway that you came in through.

Who was it that you left? Ian. Ian. You find Ian unconscious lying at the entrance. I load him onto my table. He's alive. He's alive. He's alive. Can I wake him up, possibly?

Yeah, you can rouse him. All right, I'm going to slap him and wake him up. Ian, Ian, what happened? Oh, jeez, I'm sorry. They came from all directions. There was nothing I could do. I'm so sorry. It's okay, Ian.

It's not your fault. We'll make those fuckers pay. No, you don't understand. They got the drop. They didn't get the drop on me. They surprised me. Surprised you? They have your wife.

They said they have your wife. I just got chills. My whole body just went cold and numb. I just didn't know what to do, and then they swarmed me. It's okay. It's okay, Ian. You did the right thing. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. The two of you are like lift up the table

with everyone on it and as you're leaving he just keeps, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. It's okay, Ian. It's not your fault. Ian will never forgive himself. It's not your fault. Have you heard from any of the others? No, no, I haven't. Alright. We go back no, I haven't. All right. We go back to, I guess, the only rendezvous point we have, which is the bar.

You go back to the tap. Actually, you know what? You can go back to the guardhouse. You go there. There'll be a triage set up there that you can get everyone patched up at. Go back to the guardhouse. I can't remember my boss's name. Captain Seymour Tolton. boss's name Captain Seymour

Tolton there you go Seymour we go back to the guardhouse to get everyone triaged including myself and I go and see

Captain Seymour you make it back and you I'm assuming you're probably worried about your family so you stay long enough just to

drop Leo I was about to say Pierce not Pierce drop Leo Thursday and Saturday. And Ian. Did any of the other boys make it back?

Everything's very chaotic right now. Apparently, well, you learn through like, you know, very vague interactions with some of the people here that apparently during the assault, it was going pretty well. They were like taking the wall and it looked like at some point they might actually just get rid of eaten and it would be good but then eaten himself joined the fray and the powerful magician just started like annihilating annihilating people left right and center then the dragon joined and it was like they just started rolling people like it was a very quick thing from after that

they started rolling people up a lot of people died A lot of people died. Did the sabers come to the fight? The sabers were not there, no. A lot of people started getting rolled up. I'm going to have to find and kill the sabers too. Fingers crossed the sabers think I'm dead. People saw the dragon attack the dwarven ships. Oh no. So you've killed, you've kidnapped my wife.

I'm pretty sure, so what you're saying is that Colin and the B team are all dead? It's not confirmed yet. No one's like... But they're in trouble. You're going to kill the Commodore. You're going to kill my friends sure so what you're saying is that colin and the b team are all dead it's not confirmed yeah no one's like but they're in trouble yeah kill the commodore you're gonna kill my friends and you've kidnapped my wife yeah i kind of hate you a bit there's a big notice board like out the front of the this major guardhouse it's usually reserved for like general notices but right now people have just been sticking up like scrolls with like Have you seen me? Yeah, have you seen me?

Or like, Laura, your family want to know where you are. Contact us immediately. Shit like that. Poor Laura. The fighting spilled out really far back into the city. As far as the center area of the city that's controlled by the militia. They got pushed back very far. But then suddenly, for no reason that they could discern, Damien

Eaton just left the fight. Well, probably going to go check on his vault and find old piss over here. Old piss boy. Alright, well, so I was going to go, I was thinking I should go visit the captain, but maybe I should go to my home first, and then come back and check up on these guys and talk to the captain. That's probably a good idea.

Yeah, you look after you on your own. I'll be fine being, like, hopefully roused. I tell one of the guys that I'll be back to talk to everyone. I've just got to go home. I tell Ian, I've got to go home. Ian, like, just... Actually, wait, if you say that, Ian, like, slowly gets to his... Like, at first he was just, you know, staring at his feet

with, like, a thousand-yard stare, but when you're like, I need to get back to my family, he gets to his feet and he's like, I'm coming with. It means a lot. We have, we don't hug, but we, we hug with our eyes.

He, uh, he like embrace, you know, that like grab each other's shoulder or whatever. I'm not shoulder. Um, yeah,

yeah. Yeah. Grab the elbow. They're just, yeah. All right. And we head back to my house as he's leaving. He just casually grabs his great sword from next to the door.

All right. Have I been given any kind of medical treatment too? They bandaged you up, but you haven't. Oh, actually, you know what? Like an old woman came around with some ointment and you got a little bit of healing. Not a lot, though. You recover eight hit points. All right.

So I'm going to have to go to the church before we can do this again. Yeah. All right. I got home. You get home you're the door to your house has just been caved open you know immediately something awful has happened you get inside the front landing way is like a mess there's blood on the floor as you're sort of stumbling around with ian you hear a voice upstairs you hear your Grok Grok Grok Grok Grok Grok yell down the stairs

If you want them, you'll have to kill me! Grok Grok, it's me! Race up the stairs! Grok Grok comes out of her bedroom to meet you She's got like a broom handle that's been sharpened to a point that's very bloody Fucking Grok Grok There's a halfling lying dead on the upper landing

I hug my Grok Grok in an orc hug, which is all elbows. She reciprocates. Your two kids run out from Gruck-Gruck's room. Kiss them, touch them, make sure they're still alive. And then I'm like... You feel something warm and wet when you hug Gruck-Gruck. She's been wounded. I tell Ian, Ian, do you mind just going

with the kids into the kids room for a bit? Uncle Ian's gonna just Ian gathers up, what are your kids' names? They're called Buns and Sweat Rocks. Buns and Sweat Rocks. And takes them into their room. How wounded is gruck-gruck, can I tell? She's in trouble. He's in trouble. She's in trouble. With a casually trained medical eye, you overlook her wounds. It's not fatal, but at her age, it's not good. I sit her down and I'm like, I'm so sorry, Grock. She kind of collapses more than sits down.

Ah, no, don't say that! I get down to her and I'm like, I'm so sorry, Grock Grock. What happened? Oh there was a knock at the door um I don't it happened quickly um

the first thing they did was take her but she she put up a fight like a true orc Good Isn't she a human? No

No They're both half orcs We're both half orcs I thought there was a human involved My grandpa was a human Oh that's right that's what it is My Grock Gro there was a human involved. My grandpa was a human. Oh, that's right. That's what it is. My Grok rocks an orc and my grandpa was just a weedy old man.

Anyway. I tried to fend them off, but all I could do was protect the kids. She starts crying. You've never seen her cry before in your entire life. Orcs don't cry. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.

You did the right thing. You did the right thing. You did the right thing. Who took her? Halflings. Halflings. What colour was their hair? Red. Red is the sun.

Red is one of the suns. The other sun's beige. Blue, actually. The fuck is your hair? I'm going to get you to a cleric or a medic or a person to look after you, and then I'm going to get the kids to a safe house, but I need to go back and I need to get my wife. Ian, who you didn't notice had been standing in the doorway to the kids' room,

mumbles, they'll probably be safe at my place. Thank you, Ian. You've been a great friend through this trying time. Ian, like, nods shakily. If I, can I take Grock Grock back with me to the Militia to go to Ian's house as well? That's what I'd like to do. Yeah, you can all gather together and go to the Militia place and then move on to Ian's from there. You guys go, I'll be, I'll be just one minute.

Leo. Yes? You recover seven hit points. Yes. Putting you in total on six. Oh, I'm off the negatives. Awesome. We're on the same number of hit points.

Yeah. No, you got nine. Yeah, still a tank. Always better. Comparatively, still a tank. You're roused by the old, like, shaman moving through. She's rubbing oinkman on people's wounds. And she, like, when she rouses you, puts, like, a gentle hand on your chest and says,

Lie. Lie still. Where's Periwinkle? She shakes her head. I don't know. I look around for any of the, like, the Wednesdays or the Saturdays. Goggles. Goggles. You can't see anyone. It's just a mass of people coming in and out. don't know i look around for any of the like the wednesdays or the saturdays goggles goggles you can't see anyone it's just a mass of people coming in and out a lot of civilians are here like clutching wounds i'm like i'm fine i'm fine i i try to get up she doesn't let you she puts like a firm hand she's got like she's a lot stronger than her bony old frame would suggest all right

then okay you can keep trying to resist if you want. No, I lie down. Like, you reckon you could overpower this? I mean, like, she's stronger than she looks, but she's still old. She's a nurse trying to help me. Yeah, none of that. No, I guess I'll lie down. All right. Can I, like, use my backpack, Neo?

Your personal effects? Yeah, they're... Actually, well, they are in the building, but they're not with you, so you don't know where they are. I was like, can I, my stuff, my bag, where, can you get it for me? She nods, all right, all right. I'll stay. When she goes to get her, to get your stuff, you're visited by Periwinkle. Periwinkle.

So I come in, and just before I left the house, everyone else left, I just wrote a letter, and just got it with me, and will deliver it to a mail boy, or a dove. You can give it to some, well, who do you want to send it to? Who do you think I want to send it to? The Shofords? Absolutely. You can have a runner sent out, yeah. Great.

So I've got a letter, and I'll do that, and I come in to the next year, and I'm like, how are you? Um, good. What happened? I guess we got out? Yeah, I guess. letter I've do that and come into next year and I'm like how are you um good what happened what I guess we got out yeah I guess you could say that do we have the you have the weapon stone silence like this they've got the weapon yep was that we getting it what where do we get it back? Absolutely we are. Alright.

We should probably make, I guess, who are we going, maybe I'll go see Little O? Help us take out the Surefoots? Maybe not take out, but maybe. The Hopling families aren't friendly, but an open war is a step above what they're used to.

Maybe not an open war, but maybe at least he might know a few things. You can definitely try to help us, especially if they've got the weapon. They don't just have the weapon. They got eaten. They got the draught. Why? They have my wife. Oh.

So we need to kill them. Yeah, let me just grab my stuff and we'll go to Little O. Will Little O be able to help? Find out next time on Jaren's Outpost Hustle, a D&D is for Nerds adventure. Thanks for listening. If you want to help support the show, why not become a member at sanspantsplus.com

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