D&D is For Nerds - Jarren's Outpost #16 Off the Force

Episode Date: August 22, 2017

In which our heroes assemble the B Team.Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your tickets for our Melb Fringe Shows or UK tour right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: redbubble.com/people/sanspantsradio or teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter: twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Adam: twitter.com/RetroArchetypeJackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadHandsome Tom: twitter.com/AwkwardTreedZammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio, I can feel it coming in the air tonight. Hey everyone, Sands Pants Radio is part of Melbourne Fringe this year, and along with some of our other shows, we're going to be doing a live D&D's for Nerds for one night only, before we chuff on off to the UK. Just head on over to melbournefringe.com.au to grab your tickets. D&D is on the 23rd of September and check out sandspantsradio.com slash live for the dates and times of our other shows. Now, enjoy the show. Welcome to chapter 16 of Jaron's Outpost Hustle, a D&Dist for Nerds adventure. In times gone by before now, Shawfoot's had my life and they have the weapon.

He turns like a wooden post in the building and just punches it once solidly. Gears and mechanisms on the inside of the door are slowly unlocking. I quickly stand up and try not to look like I was just unconscious. I've got secrets on everyone else if you want. Yes. Excellent.

I do ask something in return. That's fair, right? I'd like to divulge everything I know about every group I'm affiliated with. Everything about the Little O family, everything about the Quiet Knives, everything about the Shorefoots, however much I know about them, everything about the guards.

Like pulling down a shower curtain or something like that. Ping, ping, ping, ping, ping. He tears your shadow off and throws it aside where it slowly coalesces into a shadow you. I host we have a fight with Greg Fizzman. You can just smack him with his own loo. He's got anti-vampire stuff. Pictures of himself and then things that hurt him.

He's a complicated man. You go to what's left of Little O's restaurant. Oh, no. I'm out of a job. Greg, you approach the guardhouse screaming. So I'm just, I'm going on the hope. That you guys still think. Yeah, that they still think.

Well, you do realise. It's Thursday. Thursday and Saturday are both there, and they know what you do. It's a risk I'm willing to take. That's fair. I really hope it doesn't pay off. It might. Yeah, I know. It's great piss. He's fair. I really hope it doesn't pay off. It might.

Yeah, I know. It's great piss. He's good. Highs or lows? Highs. Oh, I don't want Jackson to succeed, but I kind of do. All right. You wander up.

Stepping out from the doorway, immediately there to greet you is Commander Tolton. Is there anybody else around? No, there's, like, yeah, there's dozens of people. Oh, okay. Would a spell be noticed? Probably. Damn. What's happening?

I need to speak with you in your office. It's of grave importance. It's about the others. Oh, no. If he kills Dalton, I'm going to cry. He's got no weapon. I might steal a weapon. Gee.

What hurry is it that you can't tell me now? There's people listening. The wolves have ears, man. Colton looks you up and down. Fuck, you didn't tell him, and he knew you were working together. No, we didn't. Colton turns around and says,

Come then. I was a little preoccupied with the fact that my wife had been fucking kidnapped. It looks like it's your fault. I'm just saying, like... He's right. Yeah, he's right. You didn't say anything.

You passed the unconscious Thursday and Saturday. Oh yeah! You joined Tolton in his office. There's like a couple of aides. He's back at his house. Ian's taken your kids

and ma'am. There's a couple aides and Tolton's like, he snaps his fingers. Get out. Out. Now. You're alone with Tolton. He leans with like his one good arm on the desk.

I'd like to lean like equally up to him and then charm person. Well. Well. What's hilarious though, the only thing working for us, he doesn't know the Shawfords have the weapon. That's true. I'm trying to find out where it is.

Tolton's eyes glaze over. You can tell your spell worked. Excellent. Right. Tolton, he fucking means business now. Yeah. This is like Jack and his element. Where's that weapon, Tolton?

Where have you got it, Edom? Looking out, how long? Oh, yeah, seven hours you got. Excellent. I've got a friend. It's with the Shorefoots. The Shorefoots? Yes, they robbed your friends as they were leaving.

Right, do you know where they took it? Do you know where it is now? There are eyes everywhere? Yeah, everyone's... Wait right here. He leaves and comes back. He unrolls a map of the city We know they have strongholds here, here, here I was waiting for your friends to come back But I might as well brief you on it now

Yeah, alright We'll come back and get the information after Pierce This is amazing He's like a few hours ahead of us Gotcha, good So they have a warehouse Sometimes you get locked in a safe. And then sometimes the safe locks you in?

Yeah, I guess. We know they have had a warehouse in the Gnomish district. It's one of their safest locations. And we've always suspected that the Shorthoots have had some method of traveling through the sewers. So we think it's a possibility because it's very safe to keep it there. And, well, it's a trope, I know, but where better to hide something than right under the fucking gnome's nose?

Right, you are. Right, you are. Other than that, they have a warehouse in the docks district, which now that the orcs have been not completely fucked over, but fucked over somewhat, they could have managed to steal into.

And then they have their um businesses the two businesses one a um clothes shop and the other a jewelry store in halflingberg the official name for a little decoy well so do we think between you and me that the place where it's most likely to be with that stronghold under the gnome well the most logical place would be the jewelry store because you could have security there and it wouldn't seem unusual. But I just have a hunch it's with the gnomes. Yeah, all right. Which means either finding our way through the sewers, not easy,

or convincing the gnomes to let us in. I've sent a runner to try and talk with them. All right, well, I'll head to the gnomes and I'll see what work I can do there, right? Mm-hmm. You've been a big help. Is there anything I can do? If you've got my personal effects here, they said that they'd grab them for me.

They didn't say anything about their personal effects, but I can supply you with some equipment. Excellent. You're not your fucking loot, though. I've got that, bitch. A weapon of some variety, maybe some elf potions, something like that, just something to keep me going. The sewers, though. You know like, the sewers, though. You know people in the sewers, don't you? Probably.

Like, the blood cult. The blood cult. They operate out of the sewers. Do you really want to go back and see those guys, though? It's no big deal. Nobody's paying attention to me anymore. No, the sabers think you're dead. Shouldn't have crushed that eye.

I've made so many dumb mistakes. All around piss. Should have killed me. All those dominoes have just fallen down. It's more interesting if he's alive. It's so good. Oh my god. When piss works, he works. We're too kind.

Although you're evil. Lawful evil. I used to be codic evil then I fell in with a mob and now I'm like, look, I developed some sort of rules, some sort of restrictions. We confiscated this from a thief not too long ago. It's known as the Rogue Blade.

He hands you a rapier. Oh, fuck off. It's this awful-looking, wicked, slightly curved rapier that also has this delicate beauty about it. Twice a day, you can use the blink spell with it for six rounds. Blink just means like a short teleport. Thank you very much.

Hook in the sheath and sheath it. He gives you three potions of cure moderate wounds. Damn it. Why don't we get potions of our stupid commander? Gotta charm him. This is half of our stock

of cure potions. We were going to get them off him when we went back. Could I have the other three? I was going to save them for your friends. I'll bring them off him when we went back. Could I have the other three? I was going to save them for your friends. I'll bring them to him. Alright. Excellent.

You get six potions of cure moderate wounds. It's going to go down real well. Alright. Thank you very much. With his good hand, he leans across to shake your hand. I shake his hand. Now, like I said, the walls have ears, yeah?

And I wouldn't exclude my two mates. I trust them, but I've always got in the back of my head that maybe they're the weak link. Certainly, that little fella, I think he works for the mob. So, I don't know. That's all I'm saying. Trust them if you will, but I don't know that I do.

Captain Commander Tolton sits down in his chair and says, made him a captain. I know, I know. Made him a captain. Well, that's how sneaky they are. All right, I've got a motor. Maybe keep this little meeting secret between the two of us.

You know what I mean? Sure. All right, absolutely. I'll see you around. It's been a pleasure. And I'll even head for the notes. Fucking hell. The only friend I had

Now thinks I'm a bad guy Because of Greg fucking Pierce Can I have a pencil Seven hours though Seven hours Seven hours After seven hours He's like

Wait a second Seven hours is a while Can I have a pencil sharpener though But if we go back to him And we're like Don't trust Greg Pierce And be like Funny that's what he

Oh no I don't want to Oh man What I knew you were just Going to do it on the table Adam handed me a bin I was like Adam trust Greg Pierce and be like, funny, that's what he do. Oh no, I don't want to. Oh man. What? I knew you were just going to do it on the table. I was like, Adam. Hang on, we're just going to pause while I make sure Jack does it right. Yes, sir. What do you mean does it

right? Well, normally I just let it kind of go loose. He puts it on the, he basically just sharpens it on the desk. Whatever, it's a desk. Yes, sir. So yeah, after seven hours... If I could lock the drawer, I would.

At least we know we've got Little O on our side. That's true. Saved his fucking daughter. Yes. While you're travelling back to the gnomes, we'll jump back to you guys. We're at the estate. Yeah, sick.

You arrive at the little estate. It's not too far out of town. It's just far enough that little Lo can own just a massive property. It's got like a farm face, but behind it is this like a nice large house, like the medieval equivalent of a mansion. So it's two levels. It's got like a wing, maybe two wings to it. Yep.

Not like dragon wings or anything like that. Shame. That's what I was imagining. Wings of a house. In times of danger, it flies away. And you're whisked up into Little Lowe's personal office. There he sits down behind his desk and he says, So what do you need?

What? How can I help you? Anything? Well. First we call the cleric. Hey, Little, get the cleric. Perfect what I was going to ask. Little Little turns around and rushes off to get their family cleric.

His name is probably like Antonio. In a chair with you guys in this office, an extended member of the Little Low family, a halfling you guys don't know the name of, but who you, Perry Winkle, maybe know as, like, their lawyer. Because you've seen it in court. Yeah, yeah, it's Seth.

Good name for a lawyer. Well, he had a name. Seth it is. Seth Nebraska. No, that's not how families work in halflings. I'll only give you so far. Seth Little. Attorney at law.

Esquire. All right. So, basically, the Shorefoots have Periwinkle's wife, and we need to get them back. Oh, by the way, Cotton Socks, he's dead. Also, the Shorefoots. I smushed Cotton Socks' face. Also, the Shorefoots. I smushed Cotton Socks' face. Also, the Shorefoots have the weapon.

And, yeah, they've got the weapon. How's things going with the Quiet Knives, by the by? Because they wanted to kick me. I don't know about the Quiet Knives. We don't have a close relationship. Yeah, just, okay. How old are you, both of you? Good question, Adam.

Nebulously 30, I'm imagining. And maybe like nebulously 30 for you as well. I'll be 35. I'm 119 years old. Do you know how old that is? Old enough that I remember a time before Gnomish gunpowder. Now the day, the first day the gunpowder was introduced to this city,

I remember it well. Because before then, to kill a man, you had to be a man. You had to do, to kill a man, you had to be a man. You had to know how to kill. But a gun, anyone can kill with a gun. I agree.

Hands are the best way to go. There's no, that's why I like you. Finesse. You get your hands dirty. I like a man who gets his hands dirty. The day they bring guns to this town is the day that everything started going down here.

You kill a man and it takes nothing. Kill him in his sleep. Kill him while he eats. Don't need anything. Just bang. Dead. This Gnomish weapon is an affront to everything I stand for. It must be destroyed, no matter what.

And, furthermore, the Shoefoots have fucked with your family. Yes, they have. You do not fuck with family. No. It is always business. And business, Business is not personal But they have made it personal The door opens and the cleric comes in

Heal us up bro I'm gonna do your full health See Just gonna bump you up there Suck a dick piss I made myself last year Do you have the town guard's help? Yeah, no, I do.

I've got... You've got Tolton? Yeah, he just made me captain. Ah, congratulations. Thank you. We don't know how many people we'll have, but I imagine it will be a small group of the best men that I can have available to me.

Loyal, true, strong, good people. What's your wife's name? Tell me about her. Her name is Gregia, and I've been with her for 15 years. How'd you meet? We met... I just joined the town militia. I was a junior officer, and... Half Orcs, you've been around 119 years, So you know that for a lot of those years, people like me can't do things that other people can

because we weren't allowed in bars or we're not allowed to go places or people just don't trust us because we're big. I know this bad. I was out on a patrol and some people were heckling me about look at the stupid Orc man in his stupid uniform. and some people were heckling me about, look at the stupid orc man in his stupid uniform. And all I wanted to do was punch them, but I knew that if I did, I would lose my job.

And then Gregia punched them all. And that's how we met. And she's been fighting for me ever since. Little O asks a couple details about what your wife looks like. You answer them. Yeah. And then he finishes with, I'm going to give this to my men.

They're going to look for your wife. We're going to find where she is. We're going to find where the weapon is. And then we're going to take your wife. We're going to break the weapon. We're going to kill anyone who stops us. Sounds like a good idea to me. Little O pushes away from the table,

stands up, and draws a rapier out from underneath the table. Let's go. Oh! Wow. Yes. That's good. You and like 25 halflings all leave the manor. The halflings are like

armed with, some of them are armed with bats, some of them are armed with. The halflings are like armed with... Some of them are armed with bats. Some of them are armed with swords. One of them is armed with a chain. You all climb into wagons and ride back into town. Fuck that. This is good. Fuck that.

So I guess we're riding back into town. Halflings riding on either side with crossbows. I'm going to check in with militia. See the commander. They're going to drop you off nearby and then they're going to check in with militia. See the commander. They're going to drop you off nearby and then they're going to start their look. Their little search around. Do you want to stay with them or do you want to come with me?

I don't know. Whatever you need me best. Do you want to go suss out the gnomes? Aren't they being sussed out by your name? True, they're being sussed out. We should go check in with the captain. Say that we've got support of one of the halfling families to help us find the shorefoots. We're going to the militia.

So out the front, you see Flip Shamrock. Flip Sham! Your girlfriend. Flip Sham! She's got a slightly worried expression on her face. Her hair is done up in this tight little bun. She looks like she just came back from work. She's got soot on her face.

Awesome. I go over, hug, embrace. I'm like, I'm okay, you're okay, yay! Meat Pie died, but I'm okay! What's this I'm hearing about you invading? Must have been invading. More of a, like a... break and entry. Does she know about

your troubled past? Of course. Aw, that's nice. Everyone knows about your troubled past. I keep secrets from Flipsham. Well, I'm glad you're safe. I'm glad you're safe. I was worried with the gnomish attack on the orcs, Doc. I was wounded. Are you alright?

Yeah, I'm fine. I was nursed back to health in the gnomish section. Okay, so... Funny thing, when I came around, someone said that a halfling came a-knocking. And the description vaguely matched you. I'm just wondering what exactly you're doing. Oh, yeah, I was trying to come and see you because, like, can we go somewhere quiet?

Maybe somewhere we can have a quick chat? You walk off with... Leo and Flip Shamrock walk off alone while, also alone, you walk into the Militia Barracks. Yeah. Any of the guys back from any of the other missions? Any of the B-team alive or a Thursday and Saturday awake?

You don't see, like, it looks like the triage isn't here anymore. You ask someone and they say that the triage has been moved to the temple, which is further away, less affected, and the clerics are closer on hand. Has Ian come back yet from dropping my kids back to his house? Ian has not, no.

So I'm here by myself. Yep. There's a bunch of guards around, and you are respected among the town guard. I've head up to see Commander Tolton. An aide, yeah, it says the commander wants to speak to you. Great, I'll come and see him. You step in. Commander Tolton is looking out his window out at the town, facing away from you.

Sir. Have a seat. You sit down. You notice he still hasn't gotten his wounds healed. You're going to get that checked, sir? I'm feeling a greater pain right now. What pain is that? Why exactly have you come here?

Come back to here? Yeah. You told me to come back and speak to you when you were ready, so I've Come back to here? Yeah. You told me to come back and speak to you when you were ready, so I've come back to see if you're ready. No. To go after the Shelfords and everything. I didn't realise you were still a member of the town guard. Turns around.

You see a look of disgust on his face. You just made me captain, like, half an hour ago. Yeah, I did. I've been down in Little Tegelai clearing rubble and wreckage off people who are down there. You've been in Little Tegelai, have you? Yeah, Leo's a halfling. You speak with the halfling families? Yeah, I want to know where the Shorfoots are.

They've got my wife, remember, sir, and I stand up. You know, it's a little funny. Why would they have just kidnapped your wife? Usually, like, something like that, you know, you'd have to be deep in with the families, wouldn't you? I'm not deep in with any families. They kidnapped my wife because they knew I was going after this weapon and that she was leverage for me. Whose wagon did you ride in here on?

Why does that matter? Are you a mole? Are you a fucking rat? Sir, I don't know where this is going. In seven hours, he's going to look so silly. You are looking in at the commander's eyes. You see they're a little glazed over. He might be drunk or something.

Something's affecting him. Sir, before I answer your question, I need you to answer me one question. Has anyone come to see you today that isn't me? True members of the town militia and true friends have come. Which friends? He sits down. Why do you want to know? Just curious.

Well, now that you mention it, as a matter of fact, Greg Pierce stopped by and he had a couple interesting words for you. About you. I told you I'm not talking about you. God damn it. He's mad. Not fair. Look, Greg talking about you. God damn. He's mad. Not fair.

Look, hey. Greg Piss. Yeah. So, um... Do you want to know the last time I saw Greg Piss alive? He tried to lock me in a vault. Uh-huh. It's an interesting story. I don't know what you want from me, sir.

Tell you what I want from you. I want your badge. I want your sword. And I want your resignation. Fine. A lot of people told me I was making a mistake hiring you. I did it anyway. Because you sold yourself to me.

You sold yourself as an upstanding citizen. And I know, I fucking know the things people called you in the streets. And you didn't sock them once, though you had every right to. How long have you been working with the Halfling families? About two minutes. Yeah, yeah. Working with the Halfling families. Sir, you know what I do.

All right? You give me a badge I walk around I uphold the peace and sometimes because you won't do it because you don't have the balls to do it up here being the commander I get my hands dirty which yeah means sometimes I have to talk to people who aren't very good

if you're going to take Greg Piss's word Over mine Then I don't want this fucking badge And you can take this captaincy And shove it up your ass He takes his in tray and slides it towards you I pick the in tray up Snap it in half

Put my badge on the desk And just stare at him Goodbye Fuck you sir He just looks drunk to you. You can't tell. I can't. I have seen that there's something wrong with him, though.

Yeah, there is something definitely like a little bit off, but you didn't roll high enough to be like mind control. Yeah, I know that Greg Piss has come in and done something shifty, though. Possibly, yeah. I fuckled him somehow. Got him drunk. You leave. I leave.

Do I get like a parting shot before I go? Yeah, sure, you want the parting shot. Although my parting shot was pretty good, wasn't it? Yeah, it was good. Just leave, mate. Yeah. You just leave. No, no, no.

I do the whole Rorschach speech. When this town is on fire and that dragon starts killing people again, you'll stand up here, look out your window in your fancy suit, and you'll say, help me, and I'll look down at you and I'll say, no. And I go. You're going to tear me in half. You're going to tear me in half. In my notes, I've got...

Before I go, before I go. Just kill me. Where'd Greg Piss go? That's a need-to-know basis, citizen. Fine. See I go, where'd Greg Piss go? That's a need-to-know basis, citizen. Fine, see you later, gimp-hand fuckface. Can I go downstairs and see if I can try to get in contact with any of the

militia people who are loyal to me and know about what happened with Piss? So, who knew? Saturday, Thursday, and Ian. And then the B team. Saturday, Thursday, Ian. Yeah, the B team are good friends, though. You reckon if you asked, they'd help you.

Yeah. Can I get word to any of them that are still alive? Thursday, Saturday are pretty fucked up. Ian's good. I'll just... And Ian knows. Ian knows, yeah. Ian knows.

So, I go to Ian. Hi, Zalos. Hi. Hi. Yep, so you can easily get in contact. Ian's a bit difficult because you, like, maybe send a runner while you're speaking to everyone else. A runner comes back and says that Ian, like,

has boarded up his house and is refusing to let people in or out. Well, he's protecting my kids, so that's fair. You can, however, Thursday and Saturday are both at the temple and are in no way to help you, but Colin, Goggle, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, they're all like, Yeah! The BT survive!

Go BT! Colin, you're a champion. They managed to, they were like first on the wall, and when things went to shit, they fell back to a building nearby and just held out as everything happened around them. Heroes. So I go track them down and I just tell them that if they're coming with me

to get my wife back, basically fill them in on everything that's happened, and then I just explain that something's going on with the commander, I've had to quit the militia, that if you're coming with me, you are willingly breaking the law. I need you to understand that. Goggle, the dwarf, steps up

and says, to the end, brother. And he reaches out for that elbow. Oh, you! So they're all in. They're all in. Alright, we'll just do some scouting and see if you can find any information on the shortfoots and we'll meet back up and we know what's going on from the halflings.

They scatter. Leo, you and Flipchamp. Right. I'm going to get drunk. Oh, man. It's been a crazy couple of days. You have like a passionate moment first. Yeah. She hasn't seen you in a little while.

It has been a while. Oh, yeah. We have a bit of a make out. It's fun. We have a little make out session with Flip Sham. And then she interrupts it to be like, tell me what happened. Sorry. Like, this is basically, okay.

So, you know, I work for the little low pop, a little low, you know, I'm the grease guy, you know that. You're not in trouble, tell me what happened. Sorry, like, this is basically, okay, so, you know, I work for the Little Lope, I'm a little, you know, I'm the grease guy, you know that. You're not in trouble, are you? Maybe. So, the Quiet Knives want me dead. Which is like, hey, when do they not want me dead? Whatever, it's quite nice. Why does not everybody want me dead?

They're stabby. But also the Shorefoots. So, the Shorefoots have the weapon. So, I kind of, you know, tried to come and see you, but, like, you know, your boss, Erky Timbers, kind of very... not very personal. You can't really get a dialogue with him, I found. He just wouldn't listen.

He was robbed by some crazed human and a halfling days before it happened. He was already like... Ah, halfling. He's a good man at heart, I tell you. I was looking for him. I was worried. I was concerned. I didn't know what happened after the orc dwarf battle. The dwarves battle.

Wait, no. Dwarf. Hey, there's a dwarf and there's dwarves. The crazy world we live in. No, I mean in the dwarves. Trains, no, no, maybe else. Dwarves. As in the dwarf of a...

Where ships go. A dwarf. Ah, jeez. A wharf? Wharf. A wharf? My God. A dwarf wharf? A dwarf wharf. Yeah. Dwarf wharf. Wharf wharf? Wharf. A wharf? My God. A dwarf wharf?

A dwarf wharf. Yeah. Dwarf wharf. Wharf wharf. Wharfs. Sounds like a dog that's a dwarf. Yeah. Orc wharf.

This is a weird time. What a crazy, crazy town we live in. Anyway, yeah, I was worried about you and the attack on the wharf. So, everyone seems to want the weapon, as we know. The Shawfoots have them, which is good. We came close. Came close. This close.

This close to getting it. But Papa Little O, you know, Papa Little O, he wants it destroyed, which I think isn't such a bad idea. What are you going to do with it? Destroy it. She, like, rolls her eyes a little bit and says, why? Papa Little O wants it destroyed because he's feeling that everything with this weapon is just ruining this town. And, well, look, I mean...

That machine's worth a lot of money, she says. Money, but it'll kill a lot of people. Like, what are the gnomes going to do with it? What do you mean worth a lot of money? She looks around. All right, I've got to get back to the gnomish quarter because I'm needed there. I'm needed there. I'm supposed to be at work right now.

Can you fill me in with some stuff here? Like, what are the gnomes planning to do with this? I can't say anything, but... Because, look, Little O is on the search net for the Shawfoots. The Shawfoots have this weapon. I can try and talk to Little O so maybe we can come up with an agreement. You gonna destroy it? I don't know. It might be out of my hands to do this.

But if you give me some information, I can try and work with you. She seems to be on the edge of something. Look, you've got to promise me that you're either going to give it back to the gnomes, give it back to us, my people, my company, or you're going to destroy it.

You've got to swear to me no one else can have it. I will do my best to do that. What are the gnomes... I don't want that. I want you to swear to me. What are the gnomes planning on doing is all I want to me. No one else can have it. I will do my best to do that. What are the gnomes... I don't want that. I want you to swear to me. What are the gnomes planning on doing is all I want to ask. All I want to ask is what are the gnomes planning? I don't know. I don't have a mind. I don't have a window inside Erky Timbers' mind. Look, I can

help you, but I need you to swear. How willing is Erky Timbers to work and open up a dialogue with Little O? With Little O? Probably not at all. I think you'll point blankedly refuse. Makes things harder. What about one of the captain of the guards?

Maybe one of the guards, yes. All right. Look, I'll promise you I'll try and destroy it. You don't know I'm not a captain anymore. Do not. Oh, that's good. All right, I'll send a message back and tell him that you know a captain of the guard. Yeah.

Halfog is a lovely guy. I'm pulling a lot of strings to do this. Okay. I'll do it. I'll try to get Erky Timbers to come down and talk to you. Fantastic. And do you know anything about maybe where the shore foots might be? Because they've also kind of...

You don't know this city very well. They've got his wife. Jesus. Yeah. He's fucked. He's fucked up. Look, we don't know anything about this city. We have no intelligence on the outside.

Anything happening in the gnome quarters that we need to know about? Or they're going to be able to help us out here? No, it's pretty quiet with us. Okay, look. I'll go. Oh, some were-rat was running about. A were-rat? How the fuck is this town?

A were-rat was going to come back to bite me. It might still do exactly that. We haven't caught it yet. Is it still running around? Yes. In the gnome centre? Yes. My lord. Okay. Well, look, I'll try my best to either get the weapon and either have it out of my possession as much as I look, I'll try my best to either get the weapon

and either have it out of my possession as much as I can, or I'll try and destroy it. She puts her hands in her pockets and says, I gotta go. Okay, I'm sorry, hon. She pecks you on the cheek and turns around. I'll do my best. All right. And as she's walking away, she turns around one more time and says,

6.30 tonight at the wall. Erky Timbers, your captain. Thanks, hon. Love you. She leaves. Do I finally catch up to him now? It, your captain. Thanks, son. Love you. She leaves. Do I finally catch up to him now? It took you a little while to do everything that you did, so, Leo, you're probably like, I don't know,

you're having a cigarette out the front, and then you meet up. Right. Good news. Okay, you first. Okay, so, Flip Sham's alive. That's good. Thank Christ.

What's a Flip Sham? Oh, my partner Flip Sham's alive. That's good. Thank Christ. My life's kidding. What's a Flip Sham? Oh, my partner. Okay. Yeah. Anyway, so she's alive. Gnome. I mentioned her before, didn't I?

Oh, anyway. She's working for the Gnomes. Erky Timbers is happy to talk to you as the Captain of the Guard. To maybe kind of... Right. To, to, because like... Gonna stop you there. Because we either destroy or give us the Gnome.

Just need to stop you there. Okay. I learnt two stop you there. Okay. I learnt two things just now. Yes? First of all, Greg Piss is alive. Oh yeah, we look. Aww. Eatin' this. Second of all, I don't know how he got out, but he got out, he's done something,

he's been to speak to the commander, and I am no longer a captain in the guard We are now working outside the law I quit the militia Well it's the militia It's already by definition Kind of working outside of law

Yeah Like Well now we're working outside Outside the law Outside the law that was established Outside the law B team's alive Hey B team

They're still with us But we no longer have the backing support of the commander, any of the TAN militia, and I'm no longer a captain. Okay, but we're working outside the law. Well, welcome to my territory, Terry Winkle. Good. This is easy. So, are you a cap- so, well, Erky Timbers doesn't know you're not a captain.

I'm very bad at lying. You can just nod. Don't even say yet. Just say, hi, I'm Brinkley O'Rourke. And then, because, look, Flipchamp wants me. I made a promise. You know, promises to your party, they mean something. Either destroy the weapon or give it to your gnome.

Wait, give it to the gnomes. Destroy the weapons or give the weapons. That's a good little Freudian. Give it to your gnome. The gnomes. The gnomes. Just destroy the weapon or give it to the gnomes. We the weapons or give the weapons. That's a good little Freudian slur. Give it to your gnomes. The gnomes. The gnomes. Just destroy the weapon or give it to the gnomes. We can discuss what happens with the weapon once we work out what's going on with it.

Okay. However, I think the pressing issue is that... Getting your wife back. Yes, which we're going to wait for the Little O's family to do investigating. I've got my other guys on it, but I think the pressing issue is that Greg Piss is out there. Greg pissing around. Fuck, everyone has such different but similar goals. So Greg Piss has been here.

He's talking to your captain. Can I make a knowledge check to see if the captain might have given up the fact that it's just Shawfoots or whatever? Knowledge? Like a knowledge check, like a common sense kind of check. Because Zammett knows that he's got the information about Shawfoot, but would Leo work this out? You don't really know what information he has to give.

So if he thought Greg Piss was a friend, then yeah, it's not that big a leap to say that he told him what he knows, but what he knows is up in the air. I know where the Shawfoot strongholds would be, wouldn't I? You might have a passing knowledge. Depends. You've got a decent knowledge. You know about the jewellery store and the clothing store. You know they

operate out of both of those. I think it's nice to have their own possibility that if Greg Pierce is around then he's done something. He's probably got some information so he probably knows a few things. So our options are, well... And if he was coming here, he was coming here for the weapon, which means when the weapon wasn't there, he would have known that, well... The Shorefoots have the weapon.

Potentially, if does the captain know that? Well, I told the captain everything. So then it wouldn't be our southern round possibility to make that assumption. We're both up to speed. Our plan should be we wait for the Littlers to come back, or we could go investigate the Shorefoot strongholds ourselves. Will they wait for reinforcements? Or check the strongholds now?

Find out next time on Jaren's Outpost Hustle, a D&D is for Nerds adventure. Thanks for listening. If you want to help support the show, why not become a member at

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