D&D is For Nerds - Jarren's Outpost #17 Piss' Gambit

Episode Date: August 26, 2017

In which our heroes search the sewers for the Blood Cult.Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your tickets for our Melb Fringe Shows or UK tour right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: redbubble.com/people/sanspantsradio or teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter: twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Adam: twitter.com/RetroArchetypeJackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadHandsome Tom: twitter.com/AwkwardTreedZammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sandspan's Radio. Whenever I have a nightmare where I'm naked, I'm never naked, I'm always just wearing a t-shirt. Because I think it's more awkward to try and cover your dick and balls with a t-shirt than if you're just nude. Because if you're just nude, you can just be like, hey, I'm nude, this is me. But if you've got a t-shirt, obviously, like, not only are you naked, you're also fucked up getting dressed. And I think that's what makes it all the more humiliating, if you have a dream like that. I always wake up being like, thank God I know to put pants on too. Hey, everyone. Sands Pants Radio is part of Melbourne Fringe this year.

And along with some of our other shows, we're going to be doing a live D&D's for Nerds for one night only before we chuff on off to the UK. Just head on over to melbournefringe.com.au to grab your tickets. D&D is on the 23rd of September, and check out sanspantsradio.com slash live for the dates and times of our other shows. Now, enjoy the show. Welcome to Chapter 17 of Jaren's Outpost Hustle. A D&D is for nerds adventure.

Then... Tolton's eyes glaze over. You can tell you're a spellwork. Excellent. Right. Tolton, he spell worked. Excellent. Right. Tolton, he fucking means business now. Yeah. This is like Jack and his element. All right, well, I'll add to the gnomes,

and I'll see what work I can do there, right? Mm-hmm. You've been a big help. Is there anything I can do? I was going to save them for your friends. I'll bring them to him. All right. Excellent.

You get six potions of pure moderate wounds. Oh, it's going to go down real well. All right. Thank you very much. The first day the gun battle was introduced to this city, I remember it well. Because before then, to kill a man, you had to be a man. Look at the stupid orc man in his stupid uniform.

All I wanted to do was punch them, but I knew that if I did, I would lose my job. Then, Gregia punched them. I didn't realise you were still a member of the town guard. Don't drop it. You see a look of disgust on his face. You just made me captain like half an hour ago. Yeah, I did. I've been down in Little Tegelai clearing

rubble and wreckage off people who were down there. Excuse me? You've been in Little Tegelai, have you? Yeah, Leo's a halfling. You speak with the halfling families? I know that Greg Piss has come in and done something shifty, though. Possibly, yeah. I've fuckled him somehow. Got him drunk.

Greg Pierce is alive. Oh, yeah, we love him. Second of all, I don't know how he got out, but he got out, he's done something, and I am no longer a Captain Garth. Greg Pierce, you're on your way to the gnomish section? Reconsidered. I might drop down into the sewers, find that blood cult. Just remind me, because it's been a while, did they give me an ultimatum that if I don't come back with the weapon, they'll kill me?

Well, they didn't really give you that ultimatum, but you feel like you need your soul. Yeah, no, I figured. Cool. I'm going to certainly hop into the sewers. I have several plans, depending on what I find there. I'm going to certainly hop into the sewers. I have several plans, depending on what I find there. I'm going to try and seek out the logical. Did you say before that one of your plans revolved around me tearing you apart? No, because I've written down here all of the different factions and their relationship to me,

and the things I have on them, the things they have on me, and for other players, I've just gone, O'Rourke will kill me. I will now. I figured. I figured there's no way I can bargain my way out of that. Leo. Meh. Up in the air.

It's not personal. I get it. You're wandering around for ages fruitlessly until finally someone calls out, Brother, you have returned. Is this Ralph? Sorry? Is that the leader of the Bloodcovers? No.

Well, yeah, his name is Ralph. This is not Ralph, however. This is a man you know as Skip Tarkenton. I don't know if you've seen him in the cult before. Yeah. But you know he's like a big power player in the merchants around town. Cool. How deep have you been in the cult?

Can the rich Blood Cults ask for me? You don't know. Okay. I turn around. Indeed, I have. Have you come to speak to the Allfather? I have news on the location of the weapon. But between you and me,

how's he feeling? How's he doing? Is he in a mood? Excuse me? The Allfather, is he, you know... Is the Allfather in a mood? He's jubilant, as we all are. Blood has been spilled this night. It's been good, it's been good I'd a hand in that, I'd a hand in that

We figured you might Please, come with me I run him through with my saber It's a rapier, first off Rapier, rapier, rapier, rapier Sorry, it's sabers on the brain I got plans Watching Jackson play this is so entertaining.

Oh, yes. That's good news. Pulled out a crit fail. For those of you who can't see, I picked up a critical hit and was like, nah, put it away. Picked up a critical miss. That was the gag. Don't do sight gags on an audio medium.

Vulnerable spot. Normal damage and target takes 1d4 ability damage of your choice. Strength, con, dex, int, whiz, charisma. Your choice. What's going to make him less likely to attack me back? Or going to make him weaker if he attacks

me back? Strength will make him weaker. Constitution might just kill him. Constitution, then. Is that Melody? Yes. Lord. Yeah, he's dead. Sweet.

You obscure him, like, right through the... Between the eyes. Okay, I'd like to take... I'm assuming he's in a robe of some variety. A blood red robe, yeah. Sweet. I'd like to grab that. Uh-huh.

Then I'd like to hide the body as best I can. I know that's probably difficult. You roll it into the water. Rightio. Sweet. Do bodies sink or float? Depends on the time. When they're fresh kills.

Float. You think float? Yeah. Well, he starts sailing down. That's fine. Right. Now I'm going to keep trying to find the blood cult. Wasn't he going to take you to the blood cult?

Yes, but see, here's the rub. The blood cult presumably are going to be pretty mad that I've been like, well, look, hey, yeah, I was meant to get the weapon, but I've just fucked around for ages. But if I turn up looking like this cunt, nobody's going to suspect a thing. Oh, my God.

Okay. I still don't quite see your plan, but yes. It's because if I turn up as Greg Pierce, they're like, oi, dickhead. If I turn up as this guy, they're like, hey, what's up? And I can be like, I can do all to self. All right, yep. And just put the robes on. Clever.

Highs or lows? Highs. Highs? It takes you several hours. Gee. You spend a lot of time looking. The sewers are confusing. So he's lost all that time

That's good You find nothing God fucking damn it It's a big city Do I not even remember where Because I've been there You know the vague area Yeah but like

I'll keep searching Alright How's it look Nice You spend a lot of time But you do actually find it It takes you like Five

Six hours That's fine Whatever it takes But like five, six hours. That's fine. Whatever it takes. But you find this like, not a door, but a patch of the wall has this like skull carved into it that's weeping a red liquid that you're pretty sure is blood. And this place does look familiar. Can I, what was the name of the guy that I killed?

The name of the guy? Skip Tarkenton. Alright. What blows my mind is that you're taking notes and then you're just like, don't use them, but you do? You're like a savant. Idiot savant. I'd like to...

Is it like a door? It's a marking in the wall. Okay. I'd like to rub my hands over it and see if I can find a secret latch or whatever. You're able to find a seam in the wall. There's definitely a door here, but you're not sure how to open it. Can I knock on it? Do I think that would...

Maybe. I'll give it a knock. Knock on it. Nothing happens. You're standing here for a little while. You notice on the door there's black ichor, like the old blood. I cut my finger, bleed onto it. Good job.

The door opens. And then Alta's self, to look like... Let's keep talking to him. You wander in. There's a lot of people here in black, blue, and red robes. You think the robes signify something, but you're not sure what. They're moving about chanting. It's a sort of a chapel.

There's doors off to the sides. Brothers, I yell. I know of the location of the weapon. I have killed the cad Greg Piss and discovered its location. I like to imagine that Greg Piss would like talk himself up. The brilliant, the brilliant, gorgeous, the side, devious, very handsome, big cock that Greg Piss would, like, talk himself up. The brilliant... The brilliant, gorgeous... Sly, devious, very handsome, big-cocked Greg Piss. Oh, wait, I don't say kill.

I say I have, like, met with. Because if I say kill, they're going to be like, boy. Yeah, no, met with. Well, that's a worry. Well, that's a warrior. Well, that's me done. No, this might be you succeeding and Adam is mad at you. Yeah, yeah. You got a two.

They got a one. Luckiest lad in the land. So, they throw up their arms and start chanting, Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Pushing past them Father Ralph Maroney, the leader of the Blood Cult.

Who's Moth B? Is that Moth B written there? You see, that's like a stupid name I came up with back at the start. It's not Mother Blood or anything like that, like the name of the deity of the Sabers or some shit. Anyway. Could be anything, really. What the name of the deity of the sabers or some shit. Anyway.

Could be anything, really. Could be. It might be... Oh, wait. Is it... No. No, I have no idea. That is...

He approaches you and he says, Brother, lead us! Unfortunately, I know its location But not how to get there The gnomes have it To play with us The gnomes have it in a stronghold

In the sewers, here with us Then summon Pierce I do not know where he's got it He's slippery as an eel Father, or father Slippery as an eel Slippery as a big cocked eel That's exactly how it would go down too

Father Moroni I have 70 minutes to be this guy as well Father Moroni gives you a weird look And he says Very well then Brothers, sisters, please Calm, fetch me the vessel Oh shit

Someone brings along this, like, jar. Within the jar is this white wisp. You feel a weird affinity with the white wisp. Oh, no. Dear me. Father Moroni grabs it and he says, You spoke with piss, did you? Yes.

Indeed I did. Well, he can't have gone far, surely. He shakes the container. You feel just sick at your stomach. I try to keep, like, without flinching. There's no change in my face. Father Moroni looks you dead in the eyes and you know you're not fooling him. Well, is that so?

He's just, like, slowly moving it about as he moves it, you feel really bad. He jerks at once. You clutch at your chest and double over, screaming out in pain. Ruse is up. They're all standing around you. Reveal yourself. I'll tap my chest, great this again child of sin what have you done with brother i spilled blood for you that's good right

spilled spilled blood there is no use to spilling blood when a willing supplicant would spill more as they aged right yeah of yeah. Of course. My bad. Light the fire. You know what I love? You had this great plan, but it's stupid, so now you're punished. But it's a 50-50 split every time. I feel like it's like a 60-40 split.

You're 70-30, to be honest. At best. If your soul, your deep center, is not enough to convince you to sacrifice for our cult, perhaps we should take from the outside in instead. I'll bleed for you.

No, no, no. Speak dicks. Not my massive cock. The cultists hold you down as they light a big, sacrificial kind of looking flame. Right. Right.

You know, in Indiana Jones, they get attached into that, like, metal cage thing? Mm-hmm. One of those is lowered down, and you get put into that. Are they going to rip his heart out while it's still beating? Let us sacrifice the supplicant's flesh for our God. How many exits are there for this room? Three.

Okay, how close am I to them? The one that you came through, the entryway, you're pretty close. Can I blink? You can. I'd like to blink for that exit and be like, catch me if you can. You're out before they can react. And I'm going to try and run. I've got no clue where...

I'm a little sad. I was going to take your skin. Yeah, well, I'm glad you did. On the map, I saw the location of the gnomish stronghold, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, I'm going to run for that. Can you blink many times while you have that weapon? I have three blinks.

Three a day, I blinked. Cool. So I'm going to run, and my intention is to lead the blood cult to the gnomes. Hey. And then in the confusion, steal the weapon. Navigating the sewers to get there is going to be quite a task. Yeah, I figured. But it's either that or lose my skin.

You've literally lost everything else. You no longer cast a shadow. Also, how the fuck was the commander not sus that you didn't cast a shadow? It's not really something that you notice, I think. I'm not noticing your shadow. When do you think you ever notice a person's shadow? It's more of those things where you notice, like, you know, you don't notice that it's there, but when it's not there,

some of those things are like, hey. I think it's the kind of thing where, like, after Greg Pierce had left, you'd be like, what the fuck? Something was weird about it. Yeah. Oh, my God, he didn't have a shadow. Oh, yeah, it's twice a day, and it lasts for six rounds. Sweet.

So, isn't it every round you can blink? Uh, yeah, so every round you... Because then my intention is like... Blink, blink, blink, blink, blink and have them get up to me. Blink, have them get up to me and blink my way to the Gnomish stronghold. Fuck, that was amazing.

Can't catch Grubb Piss. He's a big, cocked, slippery eel. We had to kill him in that vault. Oh, sorry, it's not a teleportation thing. You blink between the material plane and the ethereal plane. So, um... No, you can still do what you wanted to do. It's just not teleporting. It's like, I disappear.

You're, like, gone there. Gone there. Gone there. So you could still move through, like, walls and stuff. So you... Actually, yeah, still could have escaped yeah cool good good

I'd like to imagine that you went to blink and then just still on the thing like oi oh right I misunderstood what a blink was

so that clarified for me yeah so what happens is when you activate the blink thing usually sometimes you're in the material plane but then sometimes

you're in this weird like ghost world where everything's like and I can kind of move through shit in the material plane, but then sometimes you're in this weird, like, ghost world where everything's like... And I can kind of move through shit in the ghost world. Like Lord of the Rings. Put the ring on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good way to describe it.

All right, so you attempt to navigate towards... The Gnomish stronghold. Should have taken that map. That would have been clever. Would have been. Well, fuck me. Greg Pierce, king of the land. been Well Fuck me Greg Pierce King of the land

I kind of want Greg Pierce To win this This Locked up in two smoking halflings You find the path That only the blood cult Or the sure foots Should have been able

To show you I'm a lucky man You um You're like Pretty sure you found yourself Underneath the Like gnomish section Yes

You're not sure exactly where you are but you know you are under the gnomish section and I want to try and keep making sure that the blood cult is following me they are definitely chasing you you know it's in the gnomish section though he doesn't know actually Shane he'll get

killed in the fray you hope or he'll cause more chaos that I can slip away in. Meanwhile. Yes. What are you doing? So basically, you're no longer a captain. No.

So any kind of deal that we could try and make with, and you don't, can I run after Flip Sham and be like, don't worry about it. It's fine. She left ages ago. Damn it. I was smoking a cigarette.

Yeah, you were smoking a cigarette. Yeah, I was. Yeah, I was. Can I just send a message? Like a, can you a cigarette. Yeah, I was. Yeah, I was. Can I just send a message? Like a... Can you just tell Flipjam? Don't worry, about 6.30. Message has a limited...

No, it's a messenger. Oh, like a runner? Oh, boy. No one can get into the Nervous area. Hey, has that runner come back from the Shorefoots yet? Or have they not? Oh, the runner from the... Oh, he probably has, but he hasn't come to

find you. That's alright. Presumably they didn't send the message back. Although, apparently I know where they live. Yeah. Because the guy said to me you know where we are. Yeah, you know, like, as a beat guard, if you will, you did know about the

jewellery store and the clothes shop. Those are two businesses that are run by them. I'm getting sick of waiting. Nah, fair. I'll get a messenger to be like hey, go to the dobes and just tell, if you can just tell them to tell Flip Sham not to worry. If she gets it, great. If not, oh well. We're going to one of the... What happened to I made a promise?

I made a promise to either give it to them or destroy the weapon. Not the promises meet Erky Timbers. You did actually make that promise. Which promise? Oh, did you? Oh, maybe not. Anyway. You made a promise to either destroy the- You're not keeping it if you did make it, but whatever. Let's go on.

I keep my promises to my flip sham. So here's the plan. While Little O's going around, we get my boys together. You hit the clothes shop that the Shawfoots run. I'll hit the jewelry store. Or do you want to stick together? Stick together?

I kind of just like flashback to me lying dead in a hallway. How do you flashback to that? Or flashback to getting wounded by an arrow and then blacking out. Yeah, no, let's stick together. How's this? Message will be, don't worry about 630. Destroy all yours, I promise. And that'll be my message to Flipchamp.

There you go. Keeping my promises. Because me and Periwinkle know what it's like to try our best. Yep. We try our best. You ain't seen my best yet. I'm saving that for Greg Pierce and Papa Surefoot. Let's go.

Which one first? I think the jewelry store is probably the better place to have because it's a jewelry store. Jewelry store, weapons, combinations. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, whereas clothing store would be dumb and the clothing store is further away. So let's go to the jewelry store.

So we rally my new team, the C team, and we just go there and we wait to see if Little O turns anything up. We do our own investigation, because otherwise we're just twiddling our thumbs while Little O does it for us. Exactly. When you collect the C team, I'm going to say Tuesday. Ah, he's hated that guy. Well, Tuesday gives you some very important information.

Love Tuesday. I'm still allowed to dislike him on a fundamental... He's a little bit racist. He's like... He has you so that he can say he has an orc friend. Yeah, yeah. I go to his parties, he's talking to an orc friend. It's the kind of thing like if you're at a party

and there's like an orc lady, he'll be like, hey, she's all right. And you're like, why don't you say that for any of the other racists? Like, you think an orc... Yeah, and he makes like orc jokes at me and I'm like, You can't say those You're not allowed to say that

Are you going my orc? What's up blood brother? No No no no Not okay man Not okay Maybe tribe brother Calls me half and half

Calls you tusk Tusk That's our word You can't do that Anyway Anyway He comes back And he says

Hey I managed to spy On the commander's Little fact sheet I think he wants to spy on the commander's little fact sheet. I think he wants to get into the Shorefoot warehouse in the Gnomish district. Well, then, fuck the jewelry store. We're going to the... Can you get a message to Little O and tell him that's where we're going? How do we get there?

I don't know. Getting in is going to be quite an ordeal. Gnomes aren't letting anyone in. Kind of wish I'd known this like half an hour ago, maybe. Damn it. We could still turn up at 6 like half an hour ago, maybe. Damn it. We could still turn up at 6. Gotcha. We could still turn up at 6.30.

6.30, yeah. And like, there will be a guard posted there. All right, messenger boy, come back. Give me that message. Just send another message. Just tear that message up. All right. I can't recall the message, but like, if you do show up at 6.30,

there will be a guard there regardless at the gate, and you can just say, Flip Sham, please come to the gate. Sure. My word. The town militia are with me. Do we want to get a message to Little O and see if he can find a way to get into the Shorefoots warehouse that isn't through the front door? Sure.

All right. We do that too. Getting a bit salty? I'm like, I'm in so much trouble now with Flipchamp. She's going to be mad at me. She's going to be a bit mad at you. There's going to be anger sex. Yeah.

Hey, anger sex is all right. You don't like anger sex that much. Leo does. Flipchamp punches you sometimes. Donkey punching, Leo. Is that the one where it's in the back of the head? Yeah. Donkey punching. Your sex is weird and you're both the one where it's in the back of the head? Yeah, donkey punching.

Your sex is weird and you're both little, so it's strange. I don't want to imagine why she's behind you as well. Leo can like pegging. Yeah, a lot of pegging. He's fine. Halflings love pegging. He's like a gnomish steam pallet. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Nah, Leo's all for butt play. Get on him. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of power to him If only Leo and Greg Pez had met under different suits If only

Maybe sometimes you anger a shadow Get a real angry so she'll peg your heart You know I've always felt that gnomes are kind of like a shitty halfling You're a bit of a worse face Just objectively Bang And objectively Anyway let's get off pegging.

Moving straight along. Just like messenger boy. Disregard, last message. Still the promise is fine. Meet you at 6.30. I guess if the first message made it, surely the second one will. Exactly. Anyway, you have to wait a couple hours for 6.30 to roll around.

Well, you've got like two hours to play with. What do you guys want to do with it? Do we try and find... Actually, you don't want to grab the Littolos. Yeah, team up and see if they know of another way in that's not too frontal. Team Littolos will be like, this is where we think they're going. The little... Well, get another meeting with Papa Littolo.

His carriage pulls off, he gets out. He's still got, like... He's dressed for battle right now. He's got this really old looking leather armor. He's got like a light crossbow slung over his shoulder and the rapier at his hip. He walks up to you guys. What's this about you wanting

to get into the Gnomish section? Wow. We believe that the shore foot is underneath. We have a tunnel to get in there. Where's so we believe that's where it is. I don't know. If we knew, we would be using the tunnel ourselves. Do you have any idea where the tunnel could be?

Anything. No, I don't know. Kidnap a gnome. Look. Kidnap a gnome? Your girlfriend. Yes. She's a gnome, yeah?

Yeah. Have you spoken with her? Very briefly, yes. Did she get you in I'll hopefully be speaking to her at 6.30 The gnomes and me We don't say hi to her On a lot of things We steal from them

They You know Get stole from Yep Sure That's how all that angry sex happens And they They insist on

These Gnomish weapons The Gnomish gunpowder I do not like them They do not like us For good reason Fair Fair So Littler

There's no way we could Kind of have like a Meeting with Erky Timbers Yeah I will not deal with this man Right Right I feel like you two

Are my children now But No No I hate Erky Timbers that much I Right, right I feel like you two are my children now, but No, no I hate Erky Timbers that much I do not think Does Erky Timbers Erk you, Little Lo? He does a bit, yes

That's some good wordplay You'll probably be my smartest kid If you are a kid I got that No one's ever called me Smelt before, thanks. Papa. So, little Lo. So, just so we're all on the same page,

destroy the weapons. Could you, I know Periwinkle, you wanted... Do I know anything of what you want? Not really. Right now, you just know I want my wife back. Yeah. Do you want to, is want to kind of, like,

is there any kind of person, like, any faction that we could kind of work with, little O, that even if we don't destroy it, maybe they have it and that kind of thing? You know what I mean? Possibly the town guard. I don't like the idea of the town guard getting it. Sabres are nut jobs. They're religious fanatics.

I can't give it to them The church The church would destroy it That's a good idea But I don't know So Little O would be open to He'd be open to The town guard keeping it

I don't like the idea It's It's the best of a bad situation if they get it. I made a promise to Periwinkle. The church would destroy it, I assume. I made a promise to Periwinkle that he would be able to have a meeting with you about the weapon if we were to get it. And if we were to get it, I would love to destroy it on your behalf, but it's really Periwinkle's call. Why do you want to keep such an awful thing?

It's not about keeping it. It's about keeping it away from people who might want to use it in a different way. Why not break it? Because then if you have a nuclear bomb, which actually doesn't make sense, if you have a dragon, right? A nuclear dragon, yeah. You have a dragon, and you decide to let that dragon go, rather than just locking it up with people who will keep it safe,

someone trustworthy and big and maybe a half-orc, I don't know. Then when the enemy comes to the gate and he's got his dragon, you've thrown your dragon away. But we have a chance. We break this thing, maybe it never comes back. What if it never does? You and I know, you and I know, both know it Little O, you're too smart and you've been around too long to not think that the gnomes would just build a new weapon.

Hang on. Good point. If anyone keeps this weapon, then, it should be us. Is it possible, maybe, to... I know you don't like urky timbers, but to maybe build up some truce and rapport to maybe as a token of good faith. There cannot be any friendship here. Give the weapon to the gnome.

You know what? Let's have a conversation. Let's have a conversation. We should destroy the weapon. Let's destroy the weapon. That's a good idea. I think it's a good idea. I think someone had suggested that.

Yeah. We should destroy the weapon. It's a sass mail. Are you trying to give me a look? Let's destroy the weapon. A nod. A pleading look. Like, destroy the weapon. I nod, a pleading look. I'm like, destroy the weapon. Give it to the maybe Jets.

They'll destroy it too. If I destroy the Shorefoots, then I can decide what happens to the weapon. Well, I don't think I'll be in a position to stop you. But I trust you. You saved my Rosita. You bring her back to me. I did. You're family now.

You should marry her. Why don't you marry her? Get back on me. You did. You're family now. You should marry her. Why don't you marry her? Get back to me. You're a member of the town guard, maybe? You're a member of my family, definitely. Thank you. Come here. Kneel down.

Boom! He kisses you on both cheeks. You do this for me. You break this weapon. I make you both made men. Oh, made men. You want to make the machine? I make you. You do this for me. You break this weapon, I make you both made men. Oh, made men. You want to make the machine, I make you. I'm going to go.

We need to rebuild little Tigalai. But if you need help with these norms, I can help you however I can, but we cannot get in unless you have a way for us to get in. Is there anything else you need? You haven't heard about any information about where my wife specifically is? Is she with the weapon? We know from search

the show foots have three places it could be. Could be in a clothes store? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Could be in a jewelry store? Probably. Inside the Normish district. They have a warehouse there. They have a tunnel to get there. We know this.

We know this. It is better defended in there. So you were making the assumption that my wife is with the weapon? Well, no guarantee, but possible. Let's go there then. Catch any surefoots while you were out exploring? We caught some filth. We do what we always do with filth.

Get rid of it. Man after my own heart. All right, then. I guess see you later. Let it lie. We'll go and meet up with... I can't smoke when you're nervous. Now, I want you to know, if you need manpower, I give you what I can, but can't give you a lot.

There's not a little turf war erupting right now. I need to go, what's the word, kill a lot of fucking shorefoots. Oh, yes. Can I come? No. If we find your wife, my man They'll keep her safe Coolie You find my wife

And potentially Papa Shawfoot All the people Keeping her Can you keep them Safe and alive too? He smiles I keep them for you

Thank you Okay Now the fuck do we do Leo? Now we just gotta Meet up with Yeah Flip Sham Flip Sham At 6.30.

All right, let's go. Let's go. You're taking the C team with you as well? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yep. You were right. There are guards lining up on the massive walls to this section of the city. Slowly, the gates open just a fraction,

like wide enough for three abreast gnomish soldiers to stream out. You didn't know the gnomes had soldiers in here. If this was still the nation of Goldcrest, this would basically be an act of war. They start arranging themselves. There's like two sets of three come out. You know, they have weapons with them. They're not aiming them at you or have them drawn or anything like that. But they have them at the ready, just not like them at you or have them drawn or anything like that, but they have them at the ready, just not directed at you.

If this goes bad, get behind me. I reckon I could punch through eight of them at once. Don't punch the gnomes. Just say the gnomes are good peeps. Erky Timbers walks out. Hello there. I was told you wanted to talk to me again. Hi, Erky.

Yeah, remember me. Anywho, so Do you know of The Shawfoots The Shaw Yeah I'm aware Of the Halflin family Do you know that they have A warehouse in your district

We do yeah You know that that's Can we get into We need They've got His wife And they're keeping A hostage there

And we would like To get into Let us into the No mistake With a popping sound Right behind You can see Just through the gap In the fence Keeping a hostage there. And we would like to get into, let us into the gnomish thing. With a popping sound. Right behind, you can see just through the gap in the fence, a sewer grate leaps off into the middle of the street and out of the sewer grate climbs your good friend, Greg Pierce.

Mother. Back down. Can I give him a fucking intimidate stare? You can. I'm not going to roll for it. No. Just know that my eyes are saying that if I get my hands on you, I'm going to choke you with your intestines. You look down, Greg Pierce,

and there's a blood cultist climbing this ladder up to you. Blink! Which direction? Into the gnomish district. All right. With a pop, Greg Pierce is gone. With another pop, he reappears running down a street. Right, Erky Timbers, can you see that man over there?

We really need to get him. Erky Timbers is just kind of like dumbfoundedly staring. So is it okay? That man is a fugitive of the law. Men in black and purple and red and blue robes start climbing their way out and they engage with the gnomes nearby who engage back. Chaos erupts. We run past the gnomes after Greg piss.

You get clear. How's it going? Greggy! Come and have a chat, mate. Do I still think I'm heading in the direction of... You know where the warehouse is. Above ground, it's easy to get to. Right, we're just following Greg towards the warehouse.

Also with the C-team. Behind you is an odd assortment of blood cultists and gnomes fighting each other as the blood cultists try to get to Greg Pierce and the gnomes try to get to you guys. I'm going to drop some caltrops that I stole off Greg Pierce. All right. You hamper some of them. Like some screaming occurs behind you.

And keep running. Oh, wait. Grease the floor. You grease the floor. Grease the floor. How far away is Greg Pierce? He's pretty far ahead of you guys. So I can't grease him.

So bees, not a chance? If you threw bees, you'd get them, but that'd slow you down. You'd start falling back. I'm going to keep chasing him. Can I cast invisibility on myself if I run? You can, but you start falling back. I'll cop it. With a wink, Greg Pierce disappears.

Shit. Will Greg Pierce be found? Can Greg Pierce be found? Find out next time on Jaren's Outpost Hustle, a D&D's for nerds adventure. Thanks for listening. If you want to help support the show, why not become a member at SandsPantsPlus.com and get early access to our shows, a bunch of exclusive content and much, much more.

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