D&D is For Nerds - Jarren's Outpost #21 The Weapon

Episode Date: September 9, 2017

In which our heroes dodge bullets.Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your tickets for our Melb Fringe Shows or UK tour right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: redbubble.com/people/sanspantsradio or teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter: twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Adam: twitter.com/RetroArchetypeJackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadHandsome Tom: twitter.com/AwkwardTreedZammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio. When I was 16 and learning how to ride a bike, we went to this place, it was up in like Fern Tree Gully, and I was doing really well because it was the first time I was doing this and I was kind of like nervous because I was like a fat, chunky 16 year old, I didn't know what the fuck I was doing, and I was doing really well. And then I saw an old man and he looked at me and he kind of like smiled like well done, and then I got overconfident and then I screwed up and then I fell off my bike,pped my knee, and then had to be like, I'm just learning, I'm so sorry, I'm really bad. The old guy didn't care. He was just having a walk. Hey, everyone. Sandspan's Radio is part of Melbourne Fringe this year, and along with some of our other shows, we're going to be doing

a live D&D's for Nerds for one night only, before we chuff on off to the UK. Just head on over to melbournefringe.com.au to grab your tickets. D&D is on the 23rd of September and check out sandspantsradio.com slash live for the dates and times of our other shows. Now, enjoy the show. Welcome to Chapter 21 of Jaren's Outpost Hustle.

A D&D is for nerds adventure. Here's what's already happened. You heft the daylight pellet and chuck it ahead of you. Leo, suddenly the dark is not so dark anymore. The entire warehouse is bathed in a soft yellow glow. Chain stops moving. Now, possibly actually

dead. His arms collapse in and he stops struggling at all. I have cleric vestments I can put on over my arm. This is a good gag. I won't. Harry Winkle doesn't do fancies. Man, you had a lot of good plans there. Yeah, I'm starting to think like Greg Pitts.

Jackson. The word is Jackson. So I'm now clear of the... Am I close now to the box fort? Yeah, you can leap into the box fort if you want. I've got improved disarm abilities. I've read that on my sheet. I'm going to try to disarm him

and then take him as my hostage. Everyone else who came out of the building is hurrying towards you. He, however, just stands in the doorway and says, well, you're over there. You've got what you want. What did they do to you? Nothing. Oh, no. When they came in, I fought them. Oh, so they haven't done anything to you here?

No. I have a feeling that if I can get close enough to Papa Shorefoot, I could break his neck in one go, but I've got to get to him first. Yeah. The Shorefoot surround you. The Gatling gun spools up. Periwinkle, you have a, quotation marks, hostage. All right. I try to jump out of the way.

You know what? I'm going to break this kid's neck and then jump out of the way. I assume Graggy's also doing her own thing, trying to not get killed. Presumably, yeah. At some point, I gave her the loot, too. God damn it. One bullet out of the 100 poorly placed bullets, one of them finds you.

You take three points of damage from a glancing blow. It's not too bad. The sheer volume terrifies you. This is a fucking Gatling gun. Yeah. The gnomes invented a Gatling gun. Goddamn fucking gnomes. How do they crack the code?

Motherfucking little shits. So, we're going to go to initiative now. Is there a way to get a message to Papa Little-O right now? It wouldn't help too much. Like, the time the message would take to get there, then when they get here... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just to warn him of what's gonna happen if we fail. He'll find out

eventually. Yeah, no, I guess he will. Because we'll fail. He's got it. And then there'll be a giant gatling gun. He'll be like, the boys, they found them. Why does he even want this city? It's not that good.

Surefoot's just want everything. I imagine it was a strategic point. Like, you got a nice wharf. It's a good secret. Oh, that's true. Yeah, look. Trade routes. Yeah.

They're an evil crime family. I think the objective of evil crime families is to have all of the crime under their control. The Little O's don't seem to have that modus operandi. They just like to be. Yeah, but they're about tradition, respect. Tradition and honour. And just so you're aware, that's how I'm going to leverage me keeping the weapon from Little O.

No, fair. I've got some plans that I want to kind of throw your way if we get it. We're going to get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll get it. If he's like, what are you going to do with the weapon? He'll be like, well, it's an honor thing. I need to keep this for honor.

Periwinkle, you're first. Well, obviously, it's just get the fuck out of the way. Also, crush the kid in my arms. With a snap, you break his neck. He goes limp. And I throw him at the nearest fucking halfling with a weapon as like a, take that, and try to get out of the way.

You heft the halfling, throw him as hard as you can, but throwing a body is different to throwing a bee pellet or a knife, and the body does not go nearly far enough. Eh, that's alright. You charge in the direction of the nearest piece of cover, a large, like, pile of just, dirt that they've overturned.

Then Greggia. Greggia charges forward. If you kill my wife, I'll come across this table and choke you in real life, Adam. Greggia charges forward and slams bodily into a halfling. She floors him and then starts crushing his head. Yes! That smug girl! What a woman! You hear, like, a crack and then starts crushing his head. Yes! That smug girl! What a woman!

You hear like a crack and then a splurt of blood. She comes up covered in more gore, wielding the halfling's dagger. Seek. Good. Never been sacked here. Can I throw her the loot as well at this point? I'll say that when you guys were standing next to each other, you passed it to her. Good, good.

She's got the loot in one hand and a dagger in the other. I've never been more in love with you in all my life. That's beautiful. Hooplay! Bullshit. Leo, I think what you should do for your turn is... I'm going to try and go around and up. Yeah, good.

Turn it off. Or kill Papa Shorthoot. I'm going to try and go around and up. Yeah, good. Turn it off. Or kill Papa Surefoot. I don't know which one. Both are good options for me. Oh, shit. Uh-oh. A volley of bullets slams into Gregioff. Don't dare.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Puts it back means it wasn't bad enough On the plus side you'll be a man with nothing to lose They're the most dangerous kind of men at all We've learned this from great bits Two bullets hit her

One hits her in the neck Another one hits her dead in her chest You see she like Sways a little bit and drops both of her weapons. She takes nine points of damage from the one that hit her neck, and the one that got her in the heart deals 24 points of damage and one constitution bleed. Uh-oh.

Every round she loses a point of constitution. What is her, uh... what is her, hmm. Constitution? How alive is she? She collapses. You need to save your, save your life. Save your boo. Save your bae.

Save bae. Fuck you, Adam. Save bae. Fuck you. Get her undercover and save bae. Again, this time you've made it a ruxin. Again, this time you've made it a rexen. Six of the halflings that you saw up on the catwalk before appear on the catwalk here and fire down at you, Leo.

Oh, I was being sneaky. Not sneaky enough, apparently. The ones on the ground didn't spot you, but these ones did. Bullshit. I guess I got a bird's eye view. Yeah. Captain Bird's Eye. Two arrows hit you.

One of them hits you right in your jugular. And at first you're like, my jugular, my jugular. But as you bring up a hand to press against it, you don't feel any bleeding. The arrow seems to have covered up the wound it made. That's the kind of thing you pull out later and deal with. That's a later problem. Six points deal with. That's a later problem. That's a later problem. It's fine. Just leave it there till you die.

It's good. It's like a band-aid. Yeah. Then the other shore foots, the ones just in the construction site, back off and take defensive positions wherever they can. Leo, it's your turn. One of them is pretty close to you, like one on the ground. back off and take defensive positions wherever they can. Leo, it's your turn. All right. One of them is pretty close to you, like one on the ground.

He obviously can't see you. He's got his back to you. You could sneak up and take him. Yeah, I'm going to sneak up and take him and try and make my way to the weapon, but keeping out of the front cone, I guess. Oh, the weapon at this point has just destroyed the mid-level of the building. You see, well, you all know what a Gatling gun looks like. Yeah. It's being operated by three halflings.

One of them up the back, holding the, um, triggers and the, like the handle to guide it. Another one feeding ammunition into it. And the third one, just like about doing miscellaneous stuff,

like picking up ammunition, making sure it doesn't jam, that sort of stuff. The bullets have torn through the mid-level of the building, giving them a perfect firing line for you guys. Good. And it can move, yeah? Question! Does Eden know where we are?

Because I'm expecting a dragon like any minute now. Not to your knowledge. What about Tom's? Alright, we've got to sort this out. Yeah, now I get through this. Better not kill my wife. She's dead. He's going to a B-Rage.

Oh, I'm going to go into a B-Rage. Okay. Attack that guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You run up behind him and... What weapon do you even use? You use the daggers, yeah. I don't activate my venom, just...

You launch yourself at him and try to stab him in the back, but at the last second he sees you coming and tries to roll out of the way. One of your daggers misses and just hits the sandbag he was in front, but your other dagger slams into his chest. You... You deal 21 points of damage to him, killing him.

Okay, cool. Roll his body onto me. Clever. Nice. Alright. Then it is Periwinkle's turn. I run to my wife. Can I throw some bees as I run to my wife? Yeah, sure.

Is there like a group of... You could get three. Great. Can I throw the bees into the guys on the Gatling gun? No, that's too far. Good move. Yeah, you're closer to them, so keep moving up. All right, so I B3 and go to my wife.

That was my medium Bs. Yep, you kill two of them and wound the third. Excellent. And I drop to my knees in front of my wife. Is she alive? What's the damage? She's still bleeding. She's, sorry, breathing.

And also bleeding. Well, yeah, she's presumably still bleeding. She's, sorry, breathing. And also bleeding. Well, yeah, she's presumably also bleeding. Every time her heart beats, another little spurt of blood comes out. You are hopelessly unable to even begin to know what you need to do to help her right now. Her eyes flutter open and she looks at you. It's going to be okay. It's going to be okay. It's going to be okay. We've done this before.

We've been in these kind of jams before where we're punching our way out. We've got this. She growls. And through her growl, you see her bloodied teeth. She slowly rolls over and tries to get to her feet. She charges at the little sand mound where you killed two halflings and the third halfling, who's like swatting at bees, has to deal with a 250 pound

angry fucking enraged orc creature. She lands on him like a force and starts tearing into him. But the entire time, you see that she's trailing a lot of blood. She's in what we in the biz call a barbarian rage. Good. I'm gonna learn a rage, cause you need to

probably patch that up. You've seen her like this before. I was just told, I was just told that I couldn't patch her up, cause I don't know what to do. You could try, but like, you don't know what you'd be doing. It'd be luck if you helped. You've seen her like this before.

You're afraid she might fight to the death. She's not really all there right now. The woman you know and love has been replaced by a different woman you know and love. More. Well, I can't get close to her to try to heal her now. That'll be your next turn anyway. If I try to heal her now. That'll be your next turn anyway. If I try to heal her. The Surefoots have their turn.

The ones undercover aren't coming out anytime soon. The six on the catwalk fire again at you, Leo. Dead body in the way. That's right. You threw the body on top of yourself like a genius. Does that work as armor, Adam? It works as cover. So it provides a bonus to your

armor class. Thinking like this. Oh no, a miss, oh wait, a bonus to your armor class and depending on sometimes mischance. Three of them manage to hit. While you do have that body and two arrows impact in that body that you would have taken otherwise, three of them, who no longer

need to deal with a running halfling, now get to just steady their aim and fire down into you. You take 13 points of damage in total. You're on six hit points. Fuck me. Jesus Christ. Fuck. Fuck.

The machine gun continues. The gatling gun. Whatever. Continues. It can't hit Greggia. It's just kicking up sand next to her. Good. One bullet pierces your sternum,

dealing eight points of damage. Well, I guess this is what's going to happen next, I suppose. And then... Oh, actually, they don't know that Leo's there. So, one more shot at Gregia. I'm sorry. And one more shot at you. Oh So, one more shot at Gregia. Oh, I'm sorry. And one more shot at you. Oh.

Well, the shot at Gregia... Oh, no. ...is a critical hit. Jesus. And the shot at you is a critical miss. Yes, I hope something kills those little bitches, which is usually what happens in... Oh, no.

No. Oh, no. Adam. Adam. Oh, no. Okay Okay I'm genuinely worried Because this is the first time I've seen Adam Have emotion in this game That wasn't glee

You just lost your wife Adam is my wife dead I patch for you Triple damage, a d2 con drain She's already losing one point of constitution Around Negative 4 on perception checks and ranged attacks until healed. So she takes triple damage again.

A further 30 points of damage. I just, I don't know what to do. And she loses two points of constitution. So she's on negative four constitution now. Oh no. And 63 points of constitution. So she's on negative four constitution now. Oh, no. And 63 points of damage. What till the end? She is still standing, but like...

What a fucking hero. You think she's standing simply because she's in shock and doesn't realize she's dead yet. So a barbarian rage means that you get extra hit points. But at the end of that rage, that hit points go away. You actually get negative hit points. The place she's in right now, when her barbarian rage ends, she will actually be at negative 11.

So... You die at negative 10, don't you? Eh. So, she has three rounds, and if she isn't healed in those three rounds, she loses her rage and dies. Oh, fuck. Actually, she's losing constitution every round. Two, maybe one round, depending.

If I don't heal her... With what? I can't heal her. We got nothing. I can only stabilize. I took your health. I took my... Adam, I can't stabilize. I took your health. Took my... Adam, I can't heal my wife, can I?

Okay, no, that's all right. I just... You gotta think. You gotta do this. Oh. Cool. Good. I hope it's something...

Yes! The halflings start freaking out. The gatling gun stops firing. You bought yourself three rounds. Oh, lucky. Yes, good. I have two rounds to save her, one round to just rip Papa Shorefoot in half.

One or two rounds, depending on the constitution drain she takes next turn. I feel like maybe one of the halflings is going to have a health potion on them somewhere. You wouldn't go into battle without a halfling. But then you're spending a turn checking for health potions. Looking for health potions. Leo.

Okay. You can't heal. No, it's you who can heal. Can I hide? You can hide, yeah, sure. Can I check this person's body for anything? And then also hide? You can, although you think the likelihood of finding a health potion on a street thug is unlikely. Okay, then I hide, because I don't want to get got.

Okay. Truly, our shadow's colours are revealed. Zekal, look! That's okay. I'm trying to get to the street, Zek. If I get shot in the head, I get shot in the head and I'm out. If at least I look. I'm trying to get to Sestritic. If I get shot in the head, I get shot in the head and I'm out. If at least I survive, I can then help you. Not fair. I've got nothing to

help you with. You don't literally bury your head in the sand, but you metaphorically bury your head in the sand. No, wait. Both. You dig into the sand mound and obscure yourself from above. Awesome. You dig into the sand mound and obscure yourself from above. Awesome.

You're hidden. So, that was your turn. Periwinkle. Well, you know, I let out a big roar of orc roar. I run over to my wife to try to do something. You grab her chest. She puts her hand over your hand. She looks you in the eyes and through like blood, she tries to say something. But anytime she opens her mouth, just more and more blood.

Her face is horribly disfigured. She's missing an eye, if you didn't know. It's okay. Eye patch for you. She's still beautiful to me. A little bit of her face has been blown away. You see her trying to mouth something, but you can't tell exactly what. You may be, like, trying to make out the words,

and you realize she's, like, you know what she's saying. Because you've, like, you see her lips moving, and you've heard this tale a hundred times. It's, like, every time when you or your kids or even Grook Grook, when you rip your clothes or tear something, when she's sewing it back together, she has this little song that she likes to sing as she sews. And the song is how you sew something back together.

So I know. Out of her pocket, you pull needle and thread. I know how to sew something back together. Chanting to yourself the nursery rhyme that she chants. You sew, like, you reach into her, and you begin sewing parts of her back together. She's no longer

taking constitution damage. Three rounds to heal her. Jesus, so I still need a potion of some kind. Yep. Or someone who can cast a healing spell. I can't stabilise her just myself. No, you can't grant her hit points. Not from a heal check.

Jesus. Her turn. Two rounds left. I feel like I'm in Majora's Mask and you're the clock moon. Dawn of the Second. She mouths, thank you. Then the woman you know and love is gone, replaced by that other woman you know and love.

She charges in. Her weapons have been long abandoned. And she launches onto another one of the shorefoots. Well, that's another one down. On you, darling. She comes up, having, like like torn out her jugular with her tusks and torn his arm off with her arms.

Oh, I love you so much. The shorefoots near her scatter in fear. So I have... Shorefoots. I'm antitoxin. How many rounds did I say? Four? Three. Three.

So there's four... No, there's five shore foots left here on the ground. Eight on the ground. Eight on the ground. Thirteen. There were three extra ones came out. There were the ten. Three came out carrying Gregia. So it was...

And we've killed five. Yeah, you killed two with the bee bomb. You killed one. She killed two. We've killed five. I also killed the kid, bee bomb. You killed one. She killed two. We've killed five. I also killed the kid, but he probably doesn't count. Oh, no, he should count, actually. Yeah, seven.

We've killed seven. Yeah. Up to seven. We're up to seven. And that's including Papa, or is that not including? There's eight including. That would not be including Papa. And is there any in the gangplank as well?

There's six up on the rafters, and there's six more. All right. And I can't tie anything to my longbow I've tried. Yeah, not there. They were good plans, all of them. And anyone closer. Like, so I've got... My turn will be next.

I've got an idea. It's the shorefoots now. Like I said, a bunch of them scatter. None of them want to get near Greggia. One of them haphazardly fires a crossbow at you, Terry Winkle. He misses. And drops his weapon and continues to fall back

with the rest of them. Then, the six on the catwalk above fire down. They can't see Leo anymore, so who don't they like? You and Gregia. Equal shots both. Yeah, yeah. Gregia takes like? You and Gregia. Equal shots both. Yeah, yeah.

Gregia takes one hit, you take two. That's all right. I'm okay. Gregia takes two points of damage, you take six. That's all right. I'm still going. Look, man, you're powering through. If we survive this, maybe we can... The little lows, maybe they can offer the cleric to bring back the wife.

Maybe that's an option. I'm going to bring back Mama. Oh, yes. I actually don't know how I'm going to do it. I don't know how you like to have this done. So we basically, in order to save my wife, I'm going to need to find, fluke my way onto some kind of healing item, which neither of us possess, and that none of the people that we've killed so far possess.

Maybe Papa Surefoot might, or there might be some in the... He's old, he'd have potions. Potentially. He might have medicine. You're sure? He's probably got something for his lumbago, certainly. Little pillbox. Little wooden pillbox.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was the Surefoots. The ones up on the Gatling gun hurriedly try to clear the jam, but they can't. All you can see coming out of the box right now is the heavy smoke from the heat of the barrels. Leo, it's your turn. Can I get anywhere and still be undercover? You can get into the building. That'd be your turn, though. And you'd be under a lot of cover. Get into the building, undercover, try and not get shot by those dickheads up top. Right. You charge into the bottom level of that prefab building, round behind Papa Shorefoot.

As you're running past or running behind him, he turns around and you hear him call out, what the bloomin' hell? He's not one of ours, is he? Can I kid him? No, you're not close enough. All right, fair. Also, he's got like a couple guards around him. All right, you kick down the door and you're in the bottom level. You see, it's like kind of an office situation. They have

desks and chairs and two chairs that are tied together. And tied to one of the chairs is Flip Shamrock. She's bound, gagged and looks bloodied. Holy fuck! Flip Shamrock! She looks up as you come in and you hear her

through the gag. Flip Shamrock! I'm the clown gagger this time. No, that'll be next time. God, I'm glad I don't have a partner. Yeah, you do. You have, uh, what's her name? Oh, shit. Yeah, that broad.

But you don't actually give a shit about her. And then we're like, we've kidnapped her. I'd be like, well, that's one thing off my plate. If you marry her, her family's money solves your problem with the halfling houses. Now look. Well, you've cleared one debt, Shane's debt. Cleared one debt, on my way to clearing another.

Fine. Your soul debt. My soul debt, then my shadow debt, and then my regular debt. And I'm good. Back to square one. In which you will generate and incur more debt. No doubt.

That's the Greg Piss sign. Laura Fillmore. That's her name. Laura.more. That's her name. Laura. Even I forgot Laura's name. It's been a busy fucking couple of days. I can't imagine you knew her name, like, the first episode when you were dating her. Classic Pierce.

Okay. So, Periwinkle. It's your time. Your wife is slowly making her way towards Papa Shorefoot. Who looks a little worried. Kill them. That's what I was thinking. So I'm thinking I'm just gonna have to kill them, because I hope that a

health potion falls out. Or my longbow. If I shot from where I am and I'd be able to hit Papa Shorefoot in the head... Yeah, you could. Would it kill him? Maybe. He looks old and frail, but he also looks experienced and worldly. The other...

Alright, my other option is can I long by one of the cunts trying to fix the gun? Yeah, you could. Because that'll buy me more time because they need three people to make it work. Looks like they... Well, yeah, it looks like they need three.

Alright. So you don't know how the gun works. No, I know how the gun works but I know that there are three halflings trying to make it work. And if they were down a halfling, that would buy us more time. I know I've only got two turns to save. Well, you don't know that.

Tom knows that. Tom knows that. But I also don't know what I'm going to do besides just kill a whole bunch of people and hope for the best. Just do what you do best, mate. Should I buy us more time or just start smashing skulls? What do you make? You're going to make these decisions.

50-50. Risk it. I think... You know what? At this point, I don't think Periwinkle's going to be thinking about his bow. I think Periwinkle's going to be thinking about his fists. I think I'm just going to try to smash my way to Papa and

bring it on. You barrel forwards. Gauntlet's out too, bro. All right. You, as you're running, just smack one of the shorefoots. Not even like, like you just, as you pass him, you hit him. Yep. You deal in total 13 points of damage to him,

caving half of his face in and killing him. Good. And you deal 5 points of damage to yourself. That's what's always going to happen. Look, that's life. Then you slam another one as you're running past, on your left-hand side this time. You punch him just casually as you're going,

just like a pap, like a one punch. Just a little jab to the... You clock him in the gut, lifting him up a little bit off the ground. He takes 12 points of damage, also dying. And you take 6 points of damage. Let me know when I'm on 2. Thanks, Adam. You're on 5.

Oh, boy. Oh, golly, golly. I think it's close enough to let you know. Yeah, no, no. I're on five. Oh, boy. Oh, golly, golly. I think it's close enough to let you know. Yeah, no, no. I thought I was on at least ten now. That's bad. Maybe not use the... Yeah, maybe this next punch I'm not going to use them gauntlets,

even though they give me so much extra strength. You're getting a lot closer to Papa Shorefoot. Next turn, you're probably, depending on what they do, if they run away, then maybe not. But if they stand their ground, then in the next turn, you'll probably be in front of Papa Shorefoot. Next turn, you'll probably, depending on what they do, if they run away, then maybe not. But if they stand their ground, then the next turn, you'll probably be in front of Papa Shorefoot. Good. Greggia roars in agreement and charges with you.

Yes. Maybe she'll get to Papa Shorefoot before I do. Yeah. She does what you could only have dreamed of. Oh, I love her so much. Picks up a halfling and throws him into another halfling. You don't think she killed either of them, but neither of them are getting up.

That's the dream. That is the dream. You're my favorite power couple. Yeah, I was going to say, you're my favorite power couple. She loses a round. Husband and wife team. I don't know how I'm going to say that. I don't know either. I have just say that. I don't know either.

The Shorefoots spend another turn, first off, getting their Gatling gun back online. One more turn to go on that thing. It's now just Papa Shorefoot and two guards flanking him. Both of them look around in doubt, and Papa Shorefoot yells,

Well, what are you going to do? Just sit down and let them kill you! They level light crossbows at you. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. I'm in trouble. Peace. Perry Winkle? Yes, Adam?

You feel like you've been socked in the chest, and then everything goes dark no one's outside no one knows what's happening okay good luck Leah me okay mm-hmm I'm sorry do we know if Greg you did anything good we don't know we can't see cuz I'm out yeah Leo oh You rush over to flip Shamrock? Yeah, have I untied her? Maybe the first thing you do is you take off her gag.

And as you're untying her or cutting her free, she just keeps saying over and over again, I'm so sorry. I fucked up. I fucked up. I fucked up. I fucked up too. I love you.

I'm so sorry. What's going on? Are you okay? Can she heal? She's a bard. She has all the same powers that Greg Pierce has. Yay! Good Pierce.

Hon, you need to go out there. You need to save Periwinkle and his wife. I'm going to go upstairs. I love you. Can you just maybe throw me a heal quick? And I'll just run off. What? They've turned it on.

They've turned it on. Just heal me. I love you. And I'll be right back. She grabs you by the arm, pulls you in and kisses you. And as she does that, you feel healing energy channeled from her into you. You recover six hit points. Fantastic.

I don't know what they are, but they were in a rough shape when I left them and I run upstairs. I'm in a real rough shape. You leave her downstairs. So then it is Harry Winkle. Is it Greggy's turn yet? When will it be Greggy's turn? It'll be my wife's turn to eat Papa Shawfoot. A very important, if you will,

high or low? Oh, my God. Oh, low. Low. Low? Yeah. Should I change that, Adam? Would you like to?

Oh, no. No, no, what's the thing about the... You always switch. You always switch. You always switch. No, no, no. That's not that situation. It's not that situation.

It's not even close. The tiger's behind the door. That's only three. That's with three, not with two. With two, switching doesn't change your odds at all. Don't switch Has Jackson ever steered you wrong before? Do you know what? I feel like in this instance, no

So I'm not gonna switch That's only if there's options of three Yeah, if there's three, you always switch If there's two, you don't necessarily have to switch I'm sorry if I led you wrong Oh god We're so sorry if we led you wrong But. If it's two, you don't necessarily have to switch. I'm sorry if I led you wrong. Oh, God. We're so sorry if we led you wrong, but hey, that's just odds.

Oh, fuck. So, Leo. You get up. Wait, wait. You're not going to tell me? No. You'll find out when you wake up. If I wake up. If you wake up. A good point. Wait, wait, wait.

The highs and lows weren't for me, were they? No. In a way, they were. In a matter of speaking, they were. But they were more for Greg, yeah? Yes. Oh, my God. I could have just killed my wife and not known.

So. Adam. Leo, you charge up to the second floor you get there as soon as the three halflings manning the gun one of them you hear call out in halfling

finally we got it going again cool am I behind one? yeah cool stab what? you were gonna kill them?

this entire time? you fucking you feel bad. You feel like a real dirt dog piece of shit. They kidnapped my bay. They purposely killed his bay and him.

Through tears I am stabbing these Irish pricks. You prison shank the gunner from behind. He collapses into a like, just like a puddle. Screaming in agony. The other two halflings whip around and one of them says,

You're not one of us. Nothing personal, mate. Periwinkle. No, wait. This is all personal. They're kidding on my back. Yeah, Pilgrim. The line would be,

Pop a little low sense is regards. Sure, foot. There we go. Pop a little low sense is regards. I've only thought to say that instead of just screaming with tears in your eyes. I bet that's how far I'm all Leo. I would say that.

I would say Papa Little O sends his regards. Yeah, that's something fucking terrible. He's just looking at me and crying. He seems like nice guys. Yeah, it's good. Both of them draw rapiers and try to charge you. One of them, as he charges you, he's just a kid,

you knock his blades aside and kick him past you. The other one, though, is a little bit more practiced. He skewers you in the thigh. You take just one point of damage. It's a light blow. I can't use the gun anymore, though. Well, especially when I kill them next round. Leo, it's your turn.

Stab one and stab the other. You try to stab at the kid, but when you push past him and kick him past you, you kick him out of your range. You swipe at nothing. The other one, with a practiced defensive maneuver, he knocks your blade aside in a similar way you did to the kid. They raise both of their rapiers now on either side of you.

Jeez. That's not good. Hurrywinkle, Greggio. Surefoot. Surefoot. They do that thing that halflings do Sneak attack Ah

I thought you were going to say dance merrily How can they sneak attack when you both know where they are though? They're doing that thing where they flank me You got two on either side It still counts as a sneak attack Leo Paying attention to both of them is difficult And you open yourself up a lot to blows having to defend from two angles.

One of them, the experienced one, goes low and nicks you on the leg. You nearly topple over, but you grab the attack from the younger one and jab it into the older one. You don't cause damage to either of them, but they don't cause damage to you either. Your turn, Leo. I'm going to attack the experienced one. No! Oh, wrong card. Fuck.

Wrong card. You meant to do that. You move 10 feet in a random direction and provoke attacks of opportunity as normal. First we need to decide if that ten feet randomly moves you out of the building. There's a big old hole in the wall. Or back the way it came. So, three, six, one, two, three. You should have activated your venom.

Eight. So I don't think we would have done much. Eight. One, two, three, 2, 3 Should have activated your venom 8 1, 2, 3, 4, 8 You move back into the kid And near where the stairs are Both of them get a free attack on you At least you're not falling out of the building Yeah, there's that The kid nicks you with his rapier

You take 4 points of damage But it's not a sneak attack, because technically, when he gets his attack of op, you're not in range of the other guy. That's good. Okay, you're doing alright. You're on seven. Okay, not doing great.

Hey, you're on all that I'm on. Their turn. The kid moves back, he's standing on the stairs now, the older one moves forward. They attack. Has Flip Shine Rock come down and healed us yet? Because I want that to happen. You're focusing all of your attention on the older, like, more important one. And so deflecting blows just from him, and he comes at you like a fucking furious machine.

He's stabbing at all different ways, trying to lower your guard. The kid stabs you once in the leg. You cry out in pain, but keep focusing on the guy who's definitely knowing what he's doing. You take two points of damage. Not too bad. It's your turn. You're a wizard.

Grease the floor. I think I've used up all my spells from memory. I'm going to... If I activate my venom attack, does that give me plus the hit? No, plus the hit. I'm going to, yeah. If I activate my venom attack, does that give me plus the hit? It doesn't give you, no, plus the hit. Okay, I'm just going to attack with both of them again. Try to hit both of them.

Got any luck skills here? Nah. I'm just going to attack the good guy again. Just focus on him. Yep. All right, you switch up. Instead of attacking the kid, you turn around and just focus on the adult. Just stabbing, stabbing, stabbing.

You go high, you go low. You go high, you go low. Get him into a pattern. And then when he's expecting a pattern, you go high, high. When you do that, you stab your dagger deep into his neck. He deflects your lower blow with your other dagger, but you score a hit on him, dealing five

points of damage. You wound him, but you don't down him. Damn it. Fuck. Should have activated that poison. Fuck. It was the other dagger he hit him with. Ah, never mind. Forget I said anything. They move. That dagger killed you, mate. The kid can't do anything

He tries to charge back up the stairs to get you But you kick him again And he falls backwards The uh He breaks his neck Good So stressed When you're on one foot though

You're stressed The older one I don't know what's going on I'm so stressed When you're on one foot though The older one Kicks you in the leg Shit

You hear your leg break And then you fall to the ground He stabs down Good luck You take 5 points of damage You're on 0 You're staggered

Every round you can make 1 action If you want You can make 2 actions So attack twice But you go to negative 1 At the end of your turn So you can only attack once now You can make two actions, so attack twice, but you go to negative one. Okay. At the end of your turn. Okay.

Okay. Okay. So, you can only attack once now. You're, like, you're, you've been, you tried to rope it open. Now you've been rope-a-doped. You're, like, staggering around, swaying. Oh, so stressful. The, um, the experienced one calls out from, it sounds like he's calling out from the end of a tunnel to you.

He calls out, feeling a little tired there, mate? What does acid flask do? It's a thrown weapon. It's like a grenade, almost. So I can't just pour it on him if I'm that close? You can, but he'll get an attack of op and then it deals a point of damage to anything standing next to it, which would be you. Even if successful, you don't want that. Right. I am going to attack...

Which dagger? The dagger of... Am I better with one of them? No, they're the same, pretty much. The dagger of Thundering. Thundering? Yeah, that'll do more initial damage. That's what I need right now.

That evil grin says that you somehow managed to stab yourself, I feel. Uh-oh. Ah! Ah. Ah! Ah! Ah! Yes! Surprise opening. Not expecting you to attack with one dagger.

He doesn't expect you to open with the thundering dagger. So you get him. Just like, it's a simple blow. There's nothing to it. You just stab him in the chest. He looks down at it, up at you. Double damage and one free attack against the target with a negative five penalty.

You pull it out, stab him again. You hit him again. That's lucky to have on a turn where you can only do one thing. It is. It's unimaginable. That's lucky to have on a turn where you can only do one thing. It is. It's unimaginable.

You deal, in total, 11, 17 points of damage. When you pull it out the second time, he sways a little bit and then says, you know what, I'm feeling a little sleepy too. He falls backwards. Still got that classic half that classic sense of humour. This is really like an 80s action film. All the villains have quips.

Wives have been kidnapped. We got betrayed by a friend. Yeah, it's good. Were-rats are in it. Classic 80s, Fred. I want to turn around to that guy and just like, run. Too young. Run. He drops his rapier and says, I don't get paid enough for this anyway.

He leaves. 80s movie. And I want to crawl ever so slowly towards the edge. You look over the edge. You see a lot of bodies and nothing else. You can't spot Gragia. You can't spot Periwinkle, you can't spot Flip Shamrock,

and you can't spot Papa Surefoot. So I start staggering down. As you start staggering down the stairs, you hear Flip Sham's voice from down below. Leo! Leo! She slams up against the stairs, starts running

towards you. Leo! He's my dad. She takes you underneath. She picks you up and starts carrying you down the stairs. You fall unconscious. Who is dead? Who is alive? Find out next time on Jaren's Outpost Hustle,

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