D&D is For Nerds - Jarren's Outpost #22 Repercussions

Episode Date: September 12, 2017

In which our heroes drink a lot of souls.Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your tickets for our Melb Fringe Shows or UK tour right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: redbubble.com/people/sanspantsradio or teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter: twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Adam: twitter.com/RetroArchetypeJackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadHandsome Tom: twitter.com/AwkwardTreedZammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio. When I was younger, I once pretended to be colourblind because I was jealous of my brother who had epilepsy. Hey everyone, Sands Pants Radio is part of Melbourne Fringe this year, and along with some of our other shows, we're going to be doing a live D&D's for Nerds for one night only, before we chuff on off to the UK. Just head on over to melbournefringe.com.au to grab your tickets. D&D is on the 23rd of September and check out sanspantsradio.com slash live for the dates and times of our other shows. Now, enjoy the show. Welcome to the epilogue of Jaron's Outpost Hustle, a D&D is for Nerds adventure. Literally everything that has happened up until now.

Yara seems to have like covered up the wound it made. That's the kind of thing you pull out later and kill. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a later problem. Six points of damage. That's a later problem. It's fine. It's fine. You see, uh, well, you all know what a gatling gun looks like. Yeah. It's being operated by three halflings.

Dropped my knees in front of my wife. Is she alive? That's the time. You're afraid she might fight to the death. Like, she's not really all there right now. The woman you know and love has been right now. The woman you know and love has been replaced by a different woman you know and love. Oh no.

Adam. Adam. Okay, I'm genuinely worried because this is the first time I've seen Adam have emotion in this game that wasn't glee. I have two rounds to save her, one round to just rip Papa pop a short foot in half. Out of her pocket, you pull

needle and thread. I know how to sew something back together. Berrywinkle, you feel like you've been socked in the chest and then everything goes dark. Tied to one of the chairs is Flip Shamrock. I'm so sorry, I fucked up, I fucked up, I fucked up, I fucked up. We're fucked up too, I love you, I'm so sorry, what's going on?

Are you okay? Can she heal? The other two halflings whip around and one of them says, You're not one of us. Both of them draw rapiers and try to charge you. He skewers you in the thigh. They raise both of their rapiers now on either side of you. Jeez.

The kid nicks you with his rapier. Okay, you did alright. You're on seventh. Like, I'm not doing great. You hear your leg break, and then you fall to the ground. Stabs down. Fuck me. Fuck me.

And I want to crawl ever so slowly towards the edge. Piss. Yes. You're still in the sewers. Alright. You navigate your way back to the, um, Blood Cult hideout. The door is still there.

It's probably been left open, actually. They wouldn't have closed it on their way out. Good, I don't need to bleed again. I think they're planning without you. Get out of it. You know what they're writing? I can't see. No, I can't see either.

I feel like I'm not allowed to see. This is for us. It isn't for you. Yeah, they're fucking making plans. They're conspiring. Anyway, I'll walk into the Blood Cult Sanctuary. I'll keep my broken bottle at the ready. Yeah.

Just in case anybody's been left around and I begin searching for my soul. The place looks clear. Oh, that's nice. Gosh, I hope my soul's here. That'd's nice. Gosh, I hope my soul is here. That'd be nice. The Blood Cold Hideout has, like, a lot of things that maybe are worth looting, but, like, fuck, that's for another

day. Greg Pierce is looking for his soul. You get down into a storage place, a place where you might keep wine, but instead you see racks and racks and racks of that same container with white liquid inside all of them. Surely I feel a connection to my own soul.

Maybe. Perhaps a pious man might. Start cracking them open. And what? Drinking them. Eventually I'll get my own. Drinking souls. Eventually I hit my own Drinking salts

Adam has taken off his glasses Not mine Smash Is that me? Smash You gave me no choice Adam I gotta drink salts You smash the first one

And as soon as there's a gap As soon as there's a gap in a container, the liquidy type thing inside becomes a gas and escapes out. Do you try again? Yeah, sure, I'll try again. If you're quick enough, perhaps you could put

your lips around the opening. Does it feel like it ejected with enough force to blow my head off? Probably not. I'm going to be like... The blood calls come back. It's just Danny's brain over there. He tried to drink his own soul, dickhead.

You can't drink your soul. That's not how it works. Yeah, does it seem like it'd damage me? No, it just seems like a powerful wind. Like, you maybe put your... Like, your hand was close enough to feel it. It's just a powerful wind. I'll give it another go, then.

Sure. All right. You trying to drink souls? Like... Eyes or lows? You maybe went from having no soul to several. just a powerful wind. I'll give it another go then. Sure. Alright. You trying to drink souls? Like. Eyes or lows? You maybe went from having no soul to several. Lots. After a solid hour of trying to

drink souls, you have broken literally every container and have not felt a connection with any of the ones that you drank. You feel ill as well. I should say. I'm assuming they'll pass like anything else. Like you felt ill when you lost your soul? You felt ill when you lost your shadow?

I feel like Greg Piss has basically been walking around with food poisoning this whole time. You've got sepsis too from the rat fight. And you're missing teeth as well. Yeah, I know. And a lung. None of these souls will keep searching. And an eye. You can't find your soul

Perhaps they brought it with them Right Wow On the bright side All the people that were like The blood cult have my soul They got it back Or it's left

Or it has no soul Whatever the case So I've cleared out every soul in the place Right And there's nothing else really In the blood cult Worth looking at left and they have no soul. Whatever the case. So I've cleared out every soul in the place. Right? And there's nothing else really in the blood cult worth looking at. I'll give it a search while I'm there. Why not? Maybe you can overturn some interesting equipment.

Yeah, sure. Why not give it a loot? It's empty. No one's coming. If you find more health potions, I might scream. So I suppose that means that, what's his face? Ralph Maroney has my soul. That's such a shame.

Such a shame. But that's fine. Whatever. That means I've just got to get to him. I killed Shane, so that's pretty good. Today's largely been a win. Yeah, I'd say. Only Greg Pierce would call what happened to you today largely a win.

Hey, after what happened to me and Leo, this is definitely a win. He has potions, he's got hit points. Yeah, but you have your souls and shadows. That's true. That's true. Well, I don't know if I have my soul because I don't know what the... I have no idea. What's annoying me is I still don't know the outcome of that Heisel Lowe's call.

I know. Where's Matt? Where's the missus? That's the question. Where am I? That's also the question. Where are you? There's a lot going on. Where's the missus? That's the question Where am I? That's also the question Where's my upper shore foot? You find 400 gold pieces

Sure, I'll pocket it Whatever Six more health pots Maybe I'm looking for a magic item, I assume there'll be some around An obsidian statue of a hunting dog That you think is worth maybe 500 gold pieces?

Sure. Chuck it in my... Do I have a bag? I think you might have a backpack. No, you don't. We took all your shit. You grab a sack from somewhere in here.

Well, maybe Eaton gave you a bag in exchange for your earlobe. I'm not kidding. I'm actually not kidding. And a wand of cure moderate with ten charges in it. Fuck off.

Man. I'm not kidding. Do you know what? With the wand? You've got potions. Whatever, I'll save them for another time. It only takes one use. Then you're at full health.

So you can use that ten times. Nine more, but yeah. You and I couldn't have a potion to save us. Yep. We tried to get them too, and no one had any. Yep. But we did succeed-ish. Did we, though?

You're alive. I don't know. Sorry? Can I still hear the riot? No, you're probably too... Oh, actually, yeah, you can. Which is very surprising, because you're far from where that was happening.

What about the weapon? Why don't I see team? You don't know. Could have lost them too. I guess I'll surface that, if there's nothing else of worth in here. You surface, and it's night. The first thing you notice is There's fires all over the city You think this little riot

Might have spiralled a bit My bad Whoops Greg Pierce kills a lot of people tonight Ralph Moroney was chasing me Right? Presumably he ended up where I ended up Except he didn't come into the sewers with me

One could assume he's not heading back Well you blinked. Except he didn't come into the sewers with me. Yeah, you... One could assume he's not heading back. Well, you blinked, invisibly blinked back into the sewers. Yeah. I might just start very casually making my way back towards the gnomish warehouse and just check bodies, looking for Ralph. All right. As you're heading back, it becomes...

Check bodies over, looking to see if my soul's around. There's like looting, rioting going on. It's very dangerous to head back towards there. You can if you want, but you might be involved in something. You know what? I might just lay low around the entrance to the blood cult, actually. Yeah. All right.

Like, if they're going to come back, whatever. I'll deal with them then. There's going to be nowhere near as many. Yeah, I'll just chill. I'll take a breather. You know what? I deserve a breather. I've deal with them then. There's going to be nowhere near as many. Yeah, I'll just chill. I'll take a breather. You know what? I deserve a breather. I've had a hard day.

I'll light up a cigarette. I probably don't have a cigarette. Don't light a cigarette. You've only got one lung. That's true. You have been though. Yeah, I've been smoking. That's alright. No such thing as cancer in D&D. Okay, how highs or lows? Highs.

Just to see whether he gets to take a breather? Pretty much. That's good. What did you say, highs? I know that that's during the fires. All right. As you're walking back, the sewer grate pops up, slides open, and out comes a halfling with a shock of red hair.

He looks at you, you look at him, and he says, I know you. Shorefoot? Right, you're one of the Shorefoots? Yeah. Yeah, right. He starts climbing out. You're Greg Pierce, aren't you?

That I am, yeah, yeah. Sorry. That I... Well, I didn't know no S's in that. Go on. All right, then. Sorry. That I... Well, there were no S's in that. Go on. All right, then. He helps up... Nah, you're a little connected with the criminal underworld.

You know what Papa Surefoot looks like. Son of a bitch. Things are looking not terrific for you. There, fellas. Well, we... Like, four of them climb out of the sewers. Well, we, you know, had a out of the sewers Well we You know Had a bit of a trouble

At our warehouse Right Oh right Yeah You wouldn't know anything About that would you Absolutely not Papa Shorefoot

Gives you like a Sly look Out of the corner of his eye Where he's like Maybe he doesn't believe you But he doesn't question it I'd be like Shorefoot

I've been doing What any pious man's been doing And I've been searching For me soul. I ain't got time to be madly in your business. Greg Pierce found God. No, the blood God found Greg Pierce.

So, you're in a bad way. What's the skinny? Give us a date. No. All right, well, fair enough. Well, if you're looking for an odd job, though, I got a job I need doing. Yeah, looking for an odd job, absolutely.

Always looking for an odd job. You're any good at killing people. I can do it. Plus, I'll pull out my obsidian statue of a dog. You can have this. Consider it a gift. He takes the obsidian statue. You know what?

Fucking thank you. It's all right. It's a nice dog. It's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me today. Yeah, well. Happy to work for you, man. And fuck, you want secrets about... You know, I'm a good inside man.

I work with the little hoes a bit. Work with the quick, quick, quick, quiet knives a bit, you know, bit of the guard, bit of this, bit of eating. So if you want any. You're just a fucking slut, aren't you? In many ways, yeah. Yeah. Anyway, you work with the little foots and the quiet knives. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Here and there, here and there. Not anymore, but. Well, it's funny you should say that because one of the people I want killed is with the little foots. Oh, yeah, yeah. Here and there. Here and there. Not anymore, but... Well, it's funny you should say that, because one of the people I want killed is with the Littlefoots. Oh, yeah. The Littleos. Another one's with the Town Guard, actually. Oh, right. Right.

Can I guess their names? I'm a bit psychic, mate. Go on, then. Right. It's one of them... Let me just... It's one of them's name, Leo Shadow. Papa Shorefoot looks at you like,

he knows you're not fucking psychic. And the other one. Perry Wingalow walk. You think you can do it? Yeah, no, yeah, I can. I was just having a bit of fun. Yeah. Fuck.

What do you want for it? Mist piss. Well, there's a yeah, I can. I was just having a bit of fun. Yeah. Fuck. What do you want for it? Wrist piece. Well, there's a couple things I need. Me soul. Blood cult, Avid. Who's got your soul? Blood cult. Could happen to anyone.

Oh, right, right, right. I know what you're talking about. Me shadow. Right, that's Eaton's. He's grabbed that one. Plus, I got a whole heap of debt that you fucking cunts sold to the client. Well, it's a little low.

So if I could have that wiped somehow, that'd be bloody brilliant if not i understand ethan's a bit out of our way but uh we'll give you the soul for leo and we'll buy back your debt for the town god for the fucking half breed yeah then i'm back at square one you got yourself a deal front shake his hand spits in his hand you you spit in yours, you shake hands. Do you mind if I come back to... I'm not in a great way. Sure thing. You're a fucking hero.

I'll just chom up to the other halflings that are there. This is amazing. You know, people have said that I'm a... Some people mistake me for an halfling because I'm little. I've got nothing against being little. It's a thing that happens to me in my life. Sometimes I think it comes to my advantage. Sometimes.

Not always. But that's the kind of city we live in, isn't it? You get back into their clothes shop. It's more like a dry cleaner than really a clothes shop. Just dry cleaner isn't a word that exists. Papa Shorefoot's leaning on one side of the counter. You're leaning on the other. You're having a chat.

They bring out some halfling whiskey. Oh, delicious. You drink some of that. This is the breather I was looking for. Show me some of your wounds there. I noticed you're a bit injured. I'll lift up my shirt, reveal my scar. Hang on, isn't he healed completely?

No, I've still got colon damage, don't I? Yeah, you're still fucked up. You've got the scars from the surgery, stuff like that. And, uh, when a healing potion, like, heals you, there's still some remnants. Like, you can see. If you have a lung taken, the healing potion doesn't bring the lung back. Alas. What's that on your hand, though?

What's on my hand again? He stabs you in the hand! Oh, for the love of God, fuck you now! Drags your hand towards him. If you fucking double cross us, I'll cut your throat out. Right. Pulls the dagger out. You could have just said, you didn't have to, you could have just said.

You're a right slut. Now get out. Take two points of damage. I down my whiskey before I leave and grab a drumstick. Take a bottle. I don't. Win for Greg this. That's a fucking, that's an up.

This seems like a low point. This is a high point. I want it done in the next three days. Yeah, well, that's, you know, easy done. Don't even worry about it. All right, you leave. I leave with a bottle of whiskey and a cut hand. Poof.

I'm glad Eaton can't keep tabs on me. That's nice to know. Well, do you know that? Presumably, when my hand gets stabbed, the shadow gets stabbed. Also, when it gets bitten by a rat. We're rat shadow. Not how it works. Okay, so One final thing

Highs always Highs Highs? Okay Good I don't know what that's about The rest of your night is Whatever you want to do

Uneventful I'm trying to think Maybe I'll just go to a tavern Alright Maybe I'll find a You're going to a brothel mate A comely wench Or a comely

You're cashed up Dude wench Just Quench Quench my thirst Greg Pierce A slippery hill With a big cock Do dwench. Just quench my thirst. Greg Pierce, a slippery hill with a big cock, enjoys the rest of his night.

Just imagine Greg Pierce looking at the camera, a twinkle in his eye, and then it would, like, close in on him. Up, up, up, up, up. Pierce. My word. Good, good, good. Cool. The next day, Leo and Periwinkle, both of you wake up in the Temple to Penny and Gnomes.

You're lying on comfortable beds. You can feel like it's goose down. It's probably the nicest, the softest thing either of you have felt in a long time. So I hate it. That's entirely up to you, I suppose. long time. So I hate it. That's entirely up to you, I suppose. No, no, I hate it. It's too soft. Alright. You try to get out of bed,

but, um, Chief Priest, Clara Norman, the highest, like, ranking authority on the divine in Jaren's outpost is there. And she says, please sit down, lay down.

Make up your mind. Sit up if you wish, but don't get up. I sit up. She draws a chair and sits down next to you. You can tell that you're in her personal office. It's very nice. It's very clean. It's like someone who's very meticulous about every aspect of their life.

She sits down and says, so can you tell me what happened last night? No. Where's my wife? Your wife is fine. I want to see her. Thank God. Thank Penny. I'll tell you what you want to know.

I want to see her. I want proof. I want to see her. Very well, then. Please wait here. Where's Flip, Sham, Noam? Your girlfriend? Yeah, partner. Please wait here. Where's Flip? Sham? Gnome? Your girlfriend? Yeah, partner.

Partner. She's okay as well? She's living in Sinai, yeah? She's with her people right now. She, well, there's a lot going on. A lot has happened while you were unconscious. Okay. Before you go, how long have we been unconscious? Maybe 10 hours. Okay. Before you go, how long have we been unconscious?

Maybe ten hours. Okay. Gnome's got the weapon, which is good. Do we know this? Lipsham was there. I can only imagine. Did you get Papa Shorefoot? No.

I didn't. Lipsham was... Greggia comes in being wheeled in a in a wheelchair she's alive she's like very groggy it's like imagine someone's kind of drugged up she she's wheeled next to you by uh just a acolyte of gnomes or penia and um the chief priest sits back down in her chair oh no she doesn't actually she's standing in the doorway and says, I'll give you a moment alone, then. Leo, would you like to have something to eat? Sure.

I get up and hobble over, and... No, Leo, stay and watch. You're taken off to a feasting. I put my hand on Gregor, and I'm like, I'm glad you're okay. And then I keep walking. She nods as you leave. What happened to you? What happened to me?

Are you okay? You fell, she says. Honorable in combat. Well, that's good. Still got that. I lasted not much longer. I, uh... Papa?

No. I was not able to. Damn it. He escaped. Well, that's all right. If he's escaped, it just means I get to find him and eat him. The gnome, your friend's partner saved me flipity flippity flip shamrock i'm not good at no names sorry she wasn't able to heal me but she

stopped my um she stayed my death long enough to get me here. And you're okay? Can you... Legs? Are they legs? I have sustained more permanent damage. It'll take a long time for it to heal. But you're alive and that's all that matters. And I'm real proud of you. You like... You killed a lot of people. I did. I've never loved you more in my life.

It was a good fight. It was a great fight. That's the most fun we've had without the more in my life It was a good fight It was a great fight That's the most fun we've had without the kids in how long? She suddenly seems concerned She reaches her hand Where are the kids? Oh, don't worry, don't worry So Grock Grock and the kids

Grock Grock killed a lot of people So bully for her Grock Grock and the kids Buttons and sweat rocks They're fine Ian hasan has them uh and apparently ian ian do we go bowling with him we do go bowling with ian a-i-n and he a-i-n ian yeah that guy's a dear yeah he fortified his house so i imagine no one's gonna come and get them. They're here for you, by the way. Who?

The C team? The C team? Your friends from work. There's been a lot of teams. Do you mean Colin Goggles Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday? Yes. They're all here. What about Saturday and Thursday?

Are they recovered? Yes, I think they're here as well. They're in beds, though. Have you seen the commander? No, I think they're here as well. They're in beds, though. Have you seen the commander? No, I haven't. Fair enough. Alright. Should I have seen the commander?

Has something happened to him as well? Ish. I'm not entirely sure, but... Do you remember... Eel-like guy came round to our place. We made him breakfast and invited him into our home. Piss, she says, with the same inclination that This eel-like guy came round to our place. We made him breakfast and invited him into our home. Piss, she says, with the same inclination that Lex Luthor might say Superman.

Piss. Yes. I have reason to believe that during the mission to get the weapon, he tried to lock us in a vault. We knocked him out, put him in a vault. He somehow managed to escape and convince the commander that I'm a dirty cop So I don't work for the town guard anymore I was briefly made captain though That's good

Than bad Yeah, anyway Did you challenge the commander to honourable combat? He wasn't in his right mind So it wouldn't have been an honourable combat Magic She spits on the floor. I spit on the floor too.

Fuck orcs are gross. Like, I know we're supposed to, you know, it's the 20th century. And we're all supposed to be cool with it. It's the year of our... I know it's the year of Pannier 1861. The age of reclamation. I'm there but

but that's gross you're all thinking it everyone's that's my edgy D&D stand up bits so here's my here's my here's my thing

I'm gonna I want you to go to Ian I know you want to fight and look you probably could from that chair but I don't want to take the risk again

of you getting fucked up while our kids are okay and they they need to see you I, to know that their mum's okay. So it's okay with you. I wish to see them regardless. I'd like you to go to Ian's and stay there. In the meantime, I'm going to find out, A, what the fuck happened. B, once I know what the fuck happened, I'm then going to go fix it.

And if that means that I find Papa Shorefoot and pull his dick out through his mouth and then mount him on our wall, then that's a bonus too. Bring home the trophy. I will. Love you. She kisses you on the cheek,

leans forward a little bit in her chair, kisses you on the cheek, and then says, fight well or die honorably. Always. What will the gnomes do with their assembled weapon? Will the militia be able to regain control of Jaren's outpost? What is Damien Eaton planning?

How will the shorefoots get their revenge? And will Pierce get all his bits back? All these questions will be answered in time. Thank you for listening to Jaron's Outpost Hustle, a D&D is for Nerds adventure. Thanks for listening. If you want to help support the show,

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