D&D is For Nerds - Jarren's Outpost #23 Souleater

Episode Date: December 23, 2017

In which our heroes make a bargain with a dragon.Join our brand new facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/ Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your tickets right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Give the gift of Sanspants! https://sanspantsplus.com/give-the-gift-of-sanspants/ Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter:  twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Adam: twitter.com/RetroArchetypeJackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadHandsome Tom: twitter.com/AwkwardTreedZammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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on a dinosaur-based RPG odyssey. Hello and welcome to Chapter 1 of Jaren's Outpost Rumble, a D&D is for Nerds adventure. Previously. After a solid hour of trying to drink souls, you have broken literally every container and have not felt a connection with any of the ones that you drank. You feel ill as well.

After what happened to me and Leo, this is definitely real. He has potions, he's got hit points. Yeah, but you have your souls in shadows. The first thing you notice is there's fires all over the city. Why? You think this little riot might have spiralled a bit? You know what Papa Shorefoot looks like. Son of a bitch.

Things are looking not terrific for you there, fellas. Well, if you're looking for an odd job, though, I got a man and I got a job I need doing. Yeah, an odd job, absolutely.

Always looking for an odd job. You're any good at killing people. I can do it. Both of you wake up in the Temple to Penny and Gnomes.

I've never loved you more in my life. It was a good fight. It was a great fight. That's the most fun we've had without the kids in how long? He wasn't in his right mind, so it wouldn't have been an honorable combat.

Magic. She spits on the floor. I spit on the floor too. Fuck Orcs are gross. Fight well or die honorably. Always. Leo and Aurore, you are in the High Priestess's personal chambers. She has a window overlooking the city, and from this elevated position, the temple itself being elevated and the temple also being on a hill elevated,

you've got a very commanding view of the city from her window. You can see smoke columns coming up from various different parts of the city. It looks like the docks are still on fire from last night. That's how the docks are always. Well, the docks are controlled by the orcs, and you can't imagine the orcs have an amazing fire brigade. I now want to be part of the orc fire brigade. Oh, my God, an orc fire brigade?

They start fires. They don't put them out. Orcs don't understand what a fireman is. Fireman, what said a guy on fire? Fireman. Fireman. They're like, we've got to put this fire out, so they just burn the building more so that the building will be gone

and the fire will leave. That is a tactic of firefighters. It feels like it's the 1920s, like, before the firefighter department, whatever, like, you know, government run. It was all just privatized. That's what that kind of feels like. And they're, like, getting fights over who's going to stop the fire department, apartments were ever government run. It was all just privatized. That's what that kind of feels like. And they're getting fights over who's going to stop the fire.

A funny story. I think this happened. I forget if it's the Great London Fire or the Great Chicago Fire. Both fires were great, though. Both fires were just amazing. But in one of them, so a standard tactic is you destroy buildings near where an uncontrollable fire is

so it can't leap to those buildings. They tried to do that with explosives, but they did too much explosives and just started other fires. Oh, wow. That would be the Orc Fire Brigade.

So the docks are on fire. Why were the docks on fire? There was a massive riot. That's right. There was no dragon. Well, the dragon was there earlier. The dragon was in the... Oh, yeah, so there was fights everywhere.

Yeah, a riot sort of rippled out throughout the entire city. Fires were started. People were attacked. Oh, was that the riot that started in the gnomish town? Yeah, it was, funnily enough. What happened there? That was great where we just had literally the blood cult and the gnomes chasing after piss. You can still hear screaming from the city as well.

It sounds like the riot hasn't completely died down. Good fuck, that's not good. Finally, the last thing you can see. Maybe as you're walking across her personal chambers to get to her desk or whatever, you get a glimpse of it through the window a gigantic inky black dragon wrapped around the keep so that's um eden eden yeah yes yeah huh i'm gonna say eden's wait do i know he's a dragon i can't remember and we know he's a dragon no wait i can't remember it's basically common knowledge at this point.

You might have heard it talked about at the feast. He's a dragon. We know. Yeah, that's... I guess Eden's not hiding it anymore. No. He's just out and proud. Burning things down.

He's finally out of the keep, you know? Yep. All right. That's not great. Yep. Okay. Gravously wounded with bandages everywhere, just still having a couple of smokes. Just a couple of darts.

Just a couple of darts. I'm just looking stoic. The chief priestess, Clara, sits behind her desk, and her door opens. You see Father Keaton step in, and he closes the door behind him. He just stands calmly at the door. That's my mate Keaton. He nods to you. Could I see Little Tigalai from... Yeah, you could probably catch a glimpse of Little Tigalai.

How's Tigalai slash my apartment complex? So... I forget the name of the... Bad. I forget the name of the city. It's a city in Italy. Slaughterhouse-Five partially takes place there. What's the name of the city?

I know the book. Imagine, like, a city that has been destroyed by bombs, World War II style. That is Little Tigalai. There is not a single standing building in Little Tigalai. It's fine. All my things are fine. All my things are going to be fine.

Feel free, if you know the name of that city, to email us in or message us in on Twitter at douche13. That'd be real great. Or at ZoeSansFans. Either way, we'll appreciate the name of that city. All right, good. That's just another kind of... Yep, just chalk that into...

Shit. But yeah, there's not... No building in Little Tegel Eye is currently erect. It's going to start from scratch again. It's fine. It's fine. It's not like Leo's done this a lot. It's going to start from scratch again. It's fine. It's fine. I feel like Leo's done this a lot. It's fine.

You need to build yourself up again. That's the lay of the land. Okay, I need to get away from all this. Clara sits at her desk. What's up, Clara? And just for you guys to sit in front of her. So, several things have happened since you've been gone, or while you were out. No shit.

Yep. since you've been gone, or while you were out. No shit. Yep. The first and most pressing issue is that the gnomes have reacquired their weapon. That's good. So if you recall in the riots back when this all started, they've established it, or they set it up,

killed hundreds of people in a matter of seconds, and then dismantled it. They have not dismantled it and anyone coming near their settlement or their little area is being mown down. There's currently a no-man's zone all around the gnomish perimeter. A gnome

man zone? I don't appreciate jokes at a time like this. You're meant to be the stoic. I am, I this. A lot of people are dead. You're meant to be the stoic. I am, I am. I'm back into stoic. The sabers, insistent on acquiring that weapon,

have set a perimeter on the opposite side and are besieging the gnomes. Stupid sabers. They're dragging forward any fervent, any devout of their faith. A lot of their lines are made up of just people, but there are their own knights and paladins interspersed among there. I've spoken with their leader, and she has informed me that they

do not intend on taking the gnomes alive. Well, aren't they a charming group of people? I mean, there's bigger fish to fry, Sabers. There's a dragon. Just kill the red to keep. They're religiously dogmatic. They don't see the bigger picture.

That's the point. The blood cult has taken the town square and are offering hourly sacrifices to their, for lack of a better word, god. The town guard is in disarray. They're scattered wherever the winds have taken them. Cool, don't care. Orcs are amassing. It looks like they're preparing

an attack, perhaps to take another section while there's burns. As you can quite clearly see, the dragon, Damien Eden, is curled around his own keep. I feel like that's the most pressing issue. The gun's powerful, but that's a dragon. Yeah, but it seems like the dragon hasn't really done much

and he isn't doing much and he hasn't done much and he's kind of just chilling there. You know what I mean? He was going to do something and you think he'd have done it by now. Yeah, you say that, but usually the coolest thing that's going to happen is usually he's going to wait. Yeah, yeah. It's something real cool.

And finally, I have a question to ask. Do you know of a safe place where we can store about 100 people? Do we? You probably might know of maybe one safe place. I know of one safe place. I could reach out to my friend Ian in his big mansion that's fortified because he's paranoid and rich. The Littlefoot Mansion as well is a place to keep people. Yeah, I mean, I know.

Yes, but like. Well, so it's very difficult in the city right now to be a gnome. Gnomes are being just slaughtered in the streets for no reason by pretty much every faction i have roughly 100 gnomes hiding below us but we don't have the room or food or resources to keep them we need to take them somewhere i can try and reach out to little low i know he doesn't particularly care for the gnomes, but maybe this might be a good way to bridge that. Oh, and the halfling families are in, I don't understand the intricacies of the halfling families,

but I have been led to believe that they are in all-out war against each other. That's good. That's good. Shorefoots will probably die, so that's really good. Oh, and the quiet knives. Oh, fuck, I forgot about that. You always forget about the quiet knives. That's why. Sure, foods will probably die, so that's really good. Oh, and the quiet knives. Oh, fuck, I forgot about that. You always forget about the quiet knives. That's why they're called the quiet knives.

It's far too late. Well, my gut feel is that I reckon we offer safe passage to the gnomes in exchange for a conversation. With Little O? No, with the other gnomes. We tell the gnomes in the gnome house quarter bit. Who put the gnome in the gnome house? Periwinkle's bad at words.

I mean, we could always try and use the sewers. I don't know how, if they're still workable. We could try and go through the underground. Sewers are controlled by the blood cult right now. Yeah, I'm not going anywhere near that shit. We could try and make a path through the blood cult. Could be leveraged, though. We'll protect your home.

With a hundred civilians? I don't know how we get them there, but my gut feel is we get them to the Littlefoot Mansion. Where's the map again? The Littlefoot Mansion? The Littlefoot Mansion. The Littlefoot and the Shawfoot family combine to make the Littlefoot. Also the name of the main character of Land Before Time.

The Littlefoot family, we could get them to their mansion, tell the rest of the gnomes that we have a hundred of your citizens safe. We would like to speak to Erky Timbers if he's still alive. Yeah, and maybe try and... He might be alive,

but he's definitely on the warpath. Erky Timbers is... Protecting his people though, right? Has become quite violent. Well, there's... Yes, but... I always thought that maybe the gnomes would be the smarter... He's become very distrustful.

Heads on the shoulders here, but... Ah, jeez. Is there a back way to the gnomish territory? Unfortunately, Erky Timbers has been betrayed by several people in rapid succession. That's not entirely our fault, though. Like Erky Timbers has been betrayed by several people in rapid succession. That's not entirely our fault, though. Like Erky T. All right. So our options are smuggle the people to the Little O's and then...

What's on the... Look, I really don't care what happens to the weapon. I need to kill some surefoots. That's fine. I just want to get this town back to its status quo. Unfortunately, Leo, this is about as status quo as this town gets, minus a dragon. No, fierce.

You have our full assistance, if only one thing. We need peace, and we want the dismantling and destruction of that weapon. I might be able to get you peace. Honestly. Peace is good enough. Yeah. Honestly, I think dismantling the weapon is just halting progression and that'll build

another one and really it's just... If at least we can get peace, then perhaps we can begin talks about destroying it. Sure, why not? Is there any way to the back end of the gnomes? Like maybe through the docks? I know there's control by the orcs, but is there any way to get... Not that I know of. You'd need to talk to perhaps a halfling.

Maybe we could cross where gnomes are to get to the gnomes. You know that bordering wall where gnomes and gnomes meet? What bordering wall? Where the church is. There's a bordering wall there. Oh, where gnomes. Gnomes and gnomes. That area is controlled now by the sabres. My thing is, at this point

in time... I can get you an audience if you want with Paladin, Commander, Flame Of the Sabers Is that going to do any good? I'm not going to that meeting, you can I don't know what to say to them Fucking zealots Only had a friend who betrayed the Sabers a bunch

Hey Have you heard about Piss? Comma Greg She gives a pained smile. Public enemy number one. Good. Town guard have begun posting... Well, there's a...

Hey, the town guard in there after him. That's pretty good for you. Top five wanted list. Right. He's number one. Wow. Hey, that's pretty good in the middle of a riot. That's impressive.

Considering you're the architect of most of this riot. A citywide civil war. You started this riot. That's impressive. Considering you're the architect of most of this riot. A citywide civil war and you started this riot. I started the fire. Well, I think our first port of call should be going to maybe Little Tegelai, seeing if there's anything

that needs help there. Maybe we can have a quick chat to any Little O family. About hiding the gnomes. About hiding the gnomes. Yep. Then coming back, getting the gnomes safe transport. Maybe ask Papa Little O if he knows the location where the shorefoots are holed up.

Essentially. Just particularly one shorefoot. Yeah. Do you want to... Sidebar. Do you still want to take out the shorefoots? I really, really want to take out the shorefoots. Because it's like...

I'd like to eat them. I'd like to eat them. Yeah. That's a bit... No, no. Look, he's an orc no It's cultural, slam it Just one, I want to rip his heart out and eat it while he's watching me Oh, okay, I can

That's fine, sure That's justice, man Delicious, delicious orky justice Like I'm afraid of you, but I'll work with you with this That's most of my Relationships and friendships So, if we go down to Little Tegel Eye and maybe have a chat with them, how can we get to Little, I guess, what is the state of the map now?

How can we get to Little Tegel Eye? We can go through the area where the town guard lives because they'll leave us alone. Yeah, town guard area is still largely safe. The blood cult area, if you go through there, I roll percentiles to see if you're grabbed by members of the Blood Cult and put in line for an hourly sacrifice.

The Gnomes and Pannier area is obviously largely safe, but anything bordering with the Gnomes is controlled right now by the Sabers. And obviously the other border is the Sabers. Yeah. The Sabers have also begun a light level of conscription quotation marks so if you went to sabers territory i'm going to roll to see whether a percentile to see whether or not you um are perhaps yeah conscripted so what we probably need to do and i don't i've got a

terrible idea yes oh and the orcs are obviously like percentile To see whether or not you get caught up in a fire So, my terrible idea is We go to Little O See if we can look after the gnomes And then we'll be back to gnomes I can't believe I'm about to say this Walk through the sabres and see if they'll conscript us To their fight at the wall

I guess it gets you closer to the wall It does get us closer to the wall That's not a bad plan It's killing me to do it But I'll do it I guess it gets you closer to the wall. It does get us closer to the wall. That's not a bad plan. It's killing me to do it, but I'll do it. Oh, one more detail. You can see past the keep and the dragon into the comparatively beautiful, perfect blue water. And the dwarven ships still docked out at sea.

The dwarves are good. Dwarves are still here. Some of their ships look damaged, though. Do you want to get a message to Commodore, see if he can help us in any way, shape, or form? Help us with what? He might shell the orcs. He might shell the dragon keep.

We don't want him to shell the gnomes. No. Can he shell the sabers? I mean, could I ask? They do have a keep. It's an easy target. Like, do we really want a wolf with the sabers? It's not our war.

I'm not a dwarf. I just don't feel that comfortable throwing Captain Commodore to silver under the bridge that much. It would dismantle him a bit, though. Fuck, I love watching the cogs working in Jack's head. Just while the focus isn't on him, just going, what can I do? Let's just do Little O first. All right, let's go to Little O first.

And then we can see what we need to do. About my dumb conscription plan that could actually be really worth it. Genius. All right, we're going to go see Little O. Father Keaton opens the door for you guys as you leave, and then he says, would you like me to come with? Yes. Also, is Flip Sham, she's with the gnomes, yeah? Flip Sham was here with you.

She's with the, because she took you guys back here. And so she was outside of the gnomish section when the barricades began setting up. So she's one of the hundred gnomes that we're smuggling to Lilloy. All right, let's do that. Father Keaton comes with you. You're coming with us. Is Father Keaton's first name Buster?

Yes. Good. That's great to know. Look how quickly you respond to me. It is. Do you want to see? Here. Gnomes and Peña, the first faction up here.

Chief Priestess Clara Norman Father Buster Keaton Father Buster Keaton Oh fuck that's good Alright Let's go Can I have a quick just chat to flip Sham Yeah you can speak with her on the way out

Yeah alright I'll have a quick chat with her Just to kind of see She's still in the feasting hall if you will Awesome So have a quick chat with her to see A. how is she b thank you so much for saving everybody uh and c uh irky timbers what's the is this like

what point are we at too far gone what's the doomsday clock at yeah she explains to you uh i'm not sure if she's spoken with you about this previously, but she recounts maybe in gruesome detail, that if you recall, she went to meet you a while back, and you guys had a short conversation outside the guardhouse. Well, her original plan there was that she wanted you to swear to

give the device back to the gnomes, and she had the code to unlock it on her at the time. She just wanted to hear the right thing from you, and then she'd give you the code. I'm so sorry. I just didn't know what was best. She shakes her head.

We all have a lot of loyalties and a lot of directions. I now know that gnomes are the right choice, but now that- On my way back from you- Erky seems to be going crazy. On my way back from you, I was jumped by the Shorefoots. Shorefoots. Just a growl from me. Just no words.

They obviously kidnapped me and took the code off me. So that's how they were able to get the thing unlocked. And then she says, Erky was ears. He's still in there somewhere. A gentle man. But he's been hurt badly, betrayed by those he cares about or those he cared about. He loves this city. He does.

I believe that truly, but the city keeps hurting him. Is there any way that we can get him to at least bring back maybe just a semblance of peace to start opening up the doors to discussion. What if I brought in the head of the man that stole his gun? Perhaps. I don't know. I don't like where that might take him, though. Erky was such a nice, peaceful man. A thumb. Both thumbs.

Something less dramatic than the head. Perhaps the Erky that is in charge now would appreciate that. But if you're considering speaking to someone else, I would advise against it. As warlike as Erky has become, I think any gnome who might secede him would probably only be worse. So what you're saying is that there is still some of Erky in Erky. Yes. I think so. Is there any way that you might know once...

I can form the plan that we're trying to get you to safety away from because the streets are just chaos. Is there any way that you know of that we can get in to the gnome section to have a chat with Erky Timbers? There was the sewers I'd heard, but I think that's infested with the cult now. If we were maybe to do some sneaky kind of through the sewers, could that be an option?

You could try. I don't like our odds, but I never like our odds, so bring it on, I guess. Is there anything that we can say or do that doesn't get us shot on sight? Perhaps be a gnome. Be a gnome. But then the sabers might attack.. Perhaps be a gnome. Be a gnome. Be a gnome. But then the sabers might attack. Don't be a gnome. I suppose they don't have the gun, though.

Hmm. His disguise self. Will she come with us? Can you... I can come with you if you can get me to the barricades, but I can't guarantee that they won't kill you two that's alright I could

I'm not going to say what I was going to say because you'll hear me my thought process is human shield gnome perhaps for the I don't hear that I didn't hear that perhaps for the halfling,

but she doesn't form a very accurate shield for you. I'm big and fast. Well, at least if you're with me, I know that you're definitely at least safe with us, but then we might be swarmed more. It does rule out our plan of pretending to sign up to be sabers. That's true. Would Flipsham be good at navigating the sewers?

Flipchamp? Yeah. No, probably not. Are there any gnomes out of the hundred gnomes that could help us get in? Oh, the gnomes? The gnomes that we've rescued. Probably not. Not a lot of them are sewer savvy, as it were.

The people you'd want to talk to about that would perhaps be the quiet knives. Getting good with the cue case. Do I kind of want to retroactively make the Russian mob? Is that okay? Can we do that? Yes, yes we can. Alright, we're doing that. Let's get Adam to a Russian accent. Dasvidanya.

Dasvidanya, comrade. Yeah, that's good. No, the elf. The elf that's good. Right. And he's... Oh, that... No, no, the elf. That elf. The little o's... The elf's dead, isn't he?

No. You mean the elf surgeon? The elf surgeon that kept cutting everyone up? No, he's... Cutting that one person up. The little o family wouldn't be able to help us with the sewers. The little o family, if I'm going to have a guess here, are probably on their last legs.

You don't know. The little o family certainly haven't been doing well. They've been run ragged. Alternatively, we could always maybe capture a blood cultist. Hey, I like capturing things. Yeah, those cult fervents ready to die, they probably give up pretty easily to some quick torture. All right, that sounds like a good idea.

On the way, we'll go and try to rustle up a blood cultist. Rustle up a BC. It's funny because they could rustle you up if you go try and find one. Great. We'll have multiple blood cultists to choose from. It's a rustle up. Well, first up, we'll go to the halfling, have a chat to Little O, see what we can do, try and smuggle these gnomes.

Break. Your team. So now we jump over to Senior Pierce. So a couple of questions First question Did I receive an ultimatum from Eton Regarding what will happen If I come back without the weapon

No I don't think he gave you I don't think he said an or else But there is an assumed or else I suppose It's implied I mean you're missing your shadow You don't even know what that does to a man Yes but On the other hand, Adam, I got a lot of souls to trade.

You do? Yeah. Oh, fuck, Aiden, I love him. Fuck, how weird is it that you... Are you going to trade people's souls to Aiden? I mean, absolutely. Yeah, I'm probably going to head to the cave. I mean, fuck.

Head to the keep Oh my god Fuck I hate it when you God what a good resource I accidentally gave you Don't you also have the ultimatum from the shore foots as well I got ultimatums fucking up the wazoo Alright you get to the gates

Okay The dragons killed around the spire, yeah? Yeah. Hang on. I know clearly I didn't hear that I was wanted, but are there any wanted posters? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You spot them on your way towards the keep.

There's posters with your face, a pretty good picture likeness of you, public enemy number one, big words, and a gold bounty of a hundred thousand gold coins okay so can i proof of greg pierce's death can i use one of my smashed or empty health potions um to cut my hair i want to go bald sure to just cut your hair yeah shave my hair and my facial hair so that i've got i'm completely bald now you do it but you take two points of damage doing that's fair now i've got um i'm bloody i'll use that i can't use the blood

for anything um i can't use the blood for anything yeah i'll rosy up my cheeks and can i get my winter blanket and like stuff it up my, make myself look a lot fatter. Fuck, yeah, you do a decent job. All right, good. Start walking differently, change your gait. I'll walk differently. The Kaiser Soze walk. Anyway, yeah, it's your poster, public enemy number one, 100,000 gold coins.

The next one is a big picture of Papa Swiftfoot of the Surefoot family. Oh, okay. The patriarch of their family. And it says public enemy number two, 75,000 gold coins, plus a bunch of other people you assume, well, like a member of the blood cult who has been identified. Actually, maybe the one that you killed. Oh, she claimed that bounty. How?

Just go in and ask for it. Public enemy number three. Public enemy number four is the paladin commander. Okay. And public enemy number five is Erky Timbers. Do I even know who Erky Timbers is?

You might know of him. Yeah, okay. Greg Piss knows of everybody, remember? Yeah, that's true. Oh yeah, Erky Timbers. No, Damien Eaton Damien Eaton should be enemy number four Pushing everyone else down

So the dragon's just swirling around No, it's curled around Can I just wave at it? Oi! Eaton, it's piss The dragon's gigantic eyes Open and it swivels around To look at you

Right, I don't have the weapon Right, right, and that's my bad But people in the street are staring I'll make a trade with you Yeah, right, because I need me soul back No one's better than a shadow, Eaton A soul I'll trade you me soul

For me shadow, how does that sound? That's a good trade you're all about to hit for tat The doors to the keep open. Alright. Or to the inner keep area open. Guards. Damien Eaton's elite personal security guards

are opening them and just a few to come in. I'll head it. You step into the courtyard. The dragon climbs down off the keep and lands before you. The ground shudders, shakes. You're nearly put on your ass by the sheer magnitude of this. Slowly but surely, the dragon shrinks in size until...

You okay there? Just fuck me. What are you up to? The dragon shrinks in size until it becomes a completely nude Damien Eam. I love that he's just naked all the time. You're right there. Is he packing heat? No.

He's got a little tiny wang wang. Oh, as in like a penis? Yes, he has a sizable penis. Average. Literally average penis. Just curious. I mean, men who turned into dragons are clearly compensating for something.

You alright there, Damien? Whose soul do you have to trade? You don't have your one. Well, that's true. He looks at you with bug eyes. How much do you know about the blood cult at Eton? Quite a lot. Alright, name someone in it.

Moroni. Yeah, got his? Oh, I don't have his, but name another. Name another. Westlow. Yeah, probably. In here? If they've given their soul to the blood cult, I've got their soul.

They don't do that. They take the souls of others. Well, I've got their souls. Eaton, the point is I'm chockers with souls. And I'm willing to trade them to you. Maybe all of them, if you want them, for my shadow back. Damien Eaton steps forward such that he can put his hand on your forehead. Oh, it's cold.

It's clammy. He puts another one on your chest, closes his eyes, and then he leaps back astonished. Yes, you do have souls. Souls for days, mate. Souls for days. What do you want for them? Just me shadow, that's it.

Oh, and maybe to not have to get the weapon for you. That's a lot of souls, so that seems like a fair trade. He looks you up and down. No, I don't think so. Ah, right. Well, what about me shadow, then? Just that? I think I'll take the souls, though. Ah, well, alright. Fair enough. Cr, Shadow, then? Just that? I think I'll take the souls, though. Well, all right.

Fair enough. Crack on, then. Did you get nothing out of this trade? He slowly considers you. Highs or lows? Potentially. Highs. It was a gamble.

It's always a gamble. Adam is consulting something. Who knows what's about to happen to me? He just opened a book. I'm worried. Adam rolled his me He just opened a book Rolled his eyes And then opened a book So Jackson's probably got out of this okay Probably

Hey worst case scenario I've come out of this without all the souls And when I die I just get to die That's good so when I kill you there's no guilt Yeah Or when you kill me it's not like I got him Oh god what is that pile of screaming souls I have to fight now? Oh, no. Do you know what I'd love, though, if Eden turned you into that?

Yeah, I kind of, like, wouldn't be surprised if that happened. And then you have to play as a screaming pile of souls. Screaming pile of souls with a lot of debt. Greg Pierce does a big, cocked, slippery screaming pile of souls. Damien Eaton says, this might hurt. Right on. He reaches into his chest and Indiana Jones style, his hand

goes into your chest. Oh! He caresses your single lung. The next five hours you spend in intense and incredible pain as he slowly, one by one, takes the souls out of you. How many did you drink again? Oh, thousands.

Thousands and thousands of souls. As he takes them out, you're barely conscious enough to notice that he's putting them into like a jar. And they just sit in the jar. Cool. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to jump back because that's five hours. Yeah, no, fair enough.

As you guys get out of the temple, the dragon clambers its way off the keep. What's going on over there? That's ominous. Let's just grab another dart over there. That's ominous. Let's just grab another dart. Fuck, it's ominous. Guess we've got a new army.

Oh, no. And Eaton didn't think that was worth trading for my shadow. What a piece of shit. He gets you and the souls this way. He's the Donald Trump of deals. I just thought he was an honest man. That's all. That's fucking terrifying.

Onwards. Maybe we should try and organize maybe more than just the gnomes leaving this city. Echoing throughout the entire city is, it's hard to describe, so I'll just say literally what it is. The souls of a thousand damned people slowly moaning from echoes from the keep. It echoes throughout the entire city. It's quite audible. That's a good sound.

Can we even recognize what that moan is? You wouldn't have a clue. That's something not great. This is why we need to get the gnomes out of here. Maybe go to the sabers. I know you hate them, but maybe throw them up against that thing, whatever the fuck that is. Use the blood cold snake into the thing, get the sabres to fight,

which was the plan initially, until piss fucked it up. Classic piss. Somehow hunt down piss. Yeah, true. I've got no beef with piss. Do I? I've got lots of beef with piss. Keep the short for us.

Beef with piss. I've got lots of beef with piss. Keep the show for us. Beef with piss. I've got pissy beef. We've head towards the... There we go. Little Tigla. Little Tigla. All right, you get to the ruins of Little Tigla. Can I go to the ruins of my apartment complex?

Distantly you hear... Well, you see in here an elderly halfling woman holding a very small body, wailing on top of a pile of rubble. I try and comfort her. Is there anyone underneath the rubble? You could start checking. There's people picking in among the wreckage. Every now and then, one of the halflings yells, and a bunch of halflings rush over and try to uncover what always turns out to be just a body.

I help them. You do what you need to do. I go back to being an earth-moving guy again. All right. You try to save people, but there's no one to save. These people were covered up last night. That's depressing. I'm helping them unbury their dead to bury them again.

I guess. Every now and then you can hear the sounds of combat, and you might catch quick snatches of assassins fighting each other, sometimes in the dark, when a group of surefoots, little-o's, or... Quiet knives. Quiet knives meet. Anytime I see a surefoot, I want the opportunity to, like, kill them.

The fights are always very brief, maybe 1v1 sort of things. Maybe once. Actually, highs or lows? Highs. Highs? Maybe once you're able to grab a surefoot and no combat required. You just grab his head and crush it.

Blood spurts out from in between your fingers. Good. You all see the posters as well. Public Enemy, number one. Greg Pierce, number two. Eden, et cetera, et cetera. 1, Greg Pierce Number 2, Eden, etc, etc So Greg Pierce is worth a thousand, hundred thousand gold? Yep, you're pretty sure that that's from Yeah, the town militia

Do not have the money to make up Those fines or those bounties But Captain Tolton Commander Tolton If he liquidated a lot of his assets Probably would So Commander Tolton, Commander Tolton. If he liquidated a lot of his assets, probably would. All right. So, Commander Tolton, 100,000 gold for Pierce.

I now have a reason to get Pierce. Out of his personal prop. Out of his pocket, he is paying for Pierce's capture. Wow. I want him dead. Yes. Dead or alive? Dead.

Dead. Oh, my God. My favorite kind of bounty. Oh, sorry. There's maybe an option to bring him in alive But you don't get paid extra to bring him in alive Oh sorry piss but it's business now Oh hey dude I'm

Expectant That could solve a lot of problems That could help revitalise little Tegelai Oh that'd be so good Yeah How's my The rubble of my apartment Scavenging among. Can I...

Scavenging among it? Can I maybe try and recover the colors of my previously deceased familiars, which I assume I've lost many. Your apartment was kind of dead middle of the building, so it's somewhere deep in the rubble. You'd need more than even just periwinkle. You'd need excavation equipment. Yeahiwinkle. You'd need like excavation equipment. Yeah, nah, fair.

Memories. Let's go to Littlefoots. Sorry? Let's go to Littlefoots or the... Little O's. Little O's, sorry. Let's go to Little O's. The remains of where I would assume they're hanging out. You check that restaurant. There's just the facade

of the restaurant. The back end of the building is crumbled away into nothing. I guess I'm unemployed. There's a couple people sitting out the front that you'd recognize from work, like one of the cooks and one of the waiters. They're sitting out the front enjoying having cappuccinos. Fuck yes. Chris, Simon, how's things? Alright, one of them says What do you want? Is Papa Little around or maybe the son?

Papa Little is back in his mansion And the son? Little Little Little Little And Little Little Little Little is around here somewhere I think And how's the daughter going? She's

She Would be at the mansion too I'd assume She was hurt last night Yeah, yeah, too, I'd assume. She was hurt last night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We Hurt again last night. Oh, hurt again.

Yeah. She okay? She's alright. She'll live but she's lost an arm. Oh, she's left.

She lost an arm. She left the left arm so she's now alright. I don't make that joke. I just made that joke. I'm not even there. I'm killing people. Simon makes that joke. They both laugh, and then he says, don't tell the boss I said that,

and it was her right arm that was crushed. Yeah, no fair. She's all left. Classic Simon, making fucking gallows humor. Who ripped her arm off? Rubble fell on it. How's Papa dealing with that? Not great.

He's in a bit of a fury. He's been personally getting involved. He's a fucking machine. You should see him fight. I know. How are the quiet knives and the surefoots going? Well, if you see any, let us know. We haven't seen any

Since last night The only people They send out here now Are just Any of the families The only people They send out here right now Are assassins

To fight each other Over this He gestures to rubble Yeah Yeah So if we were On like a percentage Of winning

This turf war Who's winning? No one's winning What teagulai remains? I'm just curious Like who's got the Like you know Well Who's winning? No one's winning. What teagull eye remains? I'm just curious. Who's got the... Well... Who's doing the best off here?

I think the Shorefoots are being picked apart because they're no one's friend right now. Good. But they're getting... In the rubble. Good! Yeah! Fuck them!

Crush! But they're getting pretty... Well, they're like an animal backed into the corner. They've stopped caring about who they hit. Last night, they bombed out some places that weren't even related to any of the other families just to hurt, like, the industry around the place. It's like a scorched earth type thing. Fucking savages. In response, some of the quiet knives shot up a, well, shot up a place that is friendly with the surefoots, but it's just civilians as well.

And, well, like that, in less than an hour, the gloves were off. Anyone was fair game. So the Quiet Knives retaliated by also attacking civilians. Everyone's been attacking civilians. Even us? Yeah. Fuck. Not so much attacking civilians, just not caring who we hit.

It's an animal that's been backed into the corner. It's just attacking any... Yeah, it's just lashing out, attacking anything that comes near. I know, but I expected a little bit more from Little Low. It's not Little Low giving the orders. It's people on the street. They're scared. I was thinking maybe we could try and team up

with the Quiet Knives and just take out the Shawfoots. Maybe form a new fucking... I think the Quiet Knives are going to get friendly with us. Quiet team up with the Quiet Knives and just take out the Shorefoots. Maybe form a new fucking... I think the Quiet Knives are going to get friendly with us. The Quiet Foots or the Shore Knives? No, the Quiet Loaves. Quiet Little Knives. You don't want the Shore Knives. That's bad for the Little Loaves.

Yeah, true. What about... We can't get close with the Quiet Knives. Just distantly. That's the next five hours How do we get We've got to get a message to pop a little low About hiding gnomes in the mansion

How far out was the mansion? By horse, not too far Although collecting a horse On foot, you're probably looking at like A day trip there and back And on horse? On horse, you cut that down to like four hours There and back I'm going to try and procure a that down to like four hours there and back.

Four hours. All right, I'm going to try and procure a horse. Go to Periwinkle and be like, Peri, little O's back in his mansion. If you talk or like speak about getting a horse, Father Keaton says, well, the church has some resources in that. If we can get a couple of horses up to, and we can head to the. When we're heading back north, I can collect some on our way through. Let's do that.

Let's do that. Get some horses and head to the mansion. I think, thank you so much for trying to help out little Tegel I hear, but at this moment in time, I think this is just uncovering the dead. I have an idea. It's also terrible. Quiet knives don't want to help us, because they're quiet knives and I hate them, but we could torture a quiet knife into telling us where he thinks the shorefoots might be or we could just torture a shorefoot as you guys are talking out the front

we could torture both a wagon comes through, pushed not by a halfling but by a, perhaps a not a caretaker, an undertaker in like a heavy baggy cloak he's got a, the cart that he's pushing is laden heavy with corpses, not just of halflings, but just people. He's coming through calling out,

Dad! Dad! And like some people who maybe care enough pile some corpses onto his cart. You may be, this isn't probably the, this probably is not the first person traveling through town that you've seen like this. This is real dark. This is not a good town to be in.

Keaton helps put some halfling bodies on the wagon. All right. Do what we can to help, but not too much, because this is going to be way less of time. But let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Like, I don't want to be here that much more but let's go. Let's go. I don't want to be here that much more. Let's go.

Let's get out of here. Let's get the horses and then go to the mansion. You head back towards the temple. When you get there, there's no horses hitched out at the stables or anything like that. But Keaton has a brief conversation with one of the priests there, and he and

the priest both summon spirit horses, as in a horse that is also a ghost. Ghost horse? Well, this is a... I'm too old for this shit. This is new. They look quite like a regular horse, but they've got this wispy, ghosty nature to them.

They're fairly solid. Well, not fairly. They are completely solid when you touch them. Let's go. Let's go. You mount up with Keaton. If you, like, let Keaton come along, just in case you don't want him. No, no, we want him.

He can heal us. Yes. And you ride off towards the little lower state. On the way, I'm like, hey, bud, did you see those wanted posters for piss? Like, a hundred thousand for dead? Like, 100,000. For dead. 100,000 Gs. A solid hunch Gs.

It's like 50K each. 70-30. Okay. I'm little. I have no bargaining power here. You travel towards the little low estate. By the time you get there, I'm going to switch over to Greg Pierce. Right.

The pain ends. Eden looks ecstatic. He puts a hand on each of your shoulders and says, do this for me, procure the weapon, and I will make you a lord beneath me. Right. It's not... Beneath your king. It's difficult. You understand that, right?

The gnomes have it now. What do you need? A dragon? Is this one of these options, these situations where I'm like, oh, I need this. And you're like, well, let me take your ballsack. Because if that's the situation, I'm going to fuck along. I'll consider the souls fair trade for whatever you are just right double checking um what do i need well i don't know who has it for one that's a problem if you could find me the location of it i mean the whole

job a lot easier the location of the weapon yeah yeah well the gnomes have it oh the gnomes have it yes it's on their barricade preventing the sabers from getting in right the gnomes have it. Oh, the gnomes have it. Yes, it's on their barricade, preventing the sabers from getting in. Right, the gnomes have it. Right. Might be difficult to get into the gnome section of the city. Only way you could get me... Who's in charge of the gnomes? That's Erky Timbers, yeah?

Erky Timbers, yes. Like an audience with him? I can't get you an audience with him, but I can get you in. Oh, well, let's do that then. Yeah. Get us in. He snaps his fingers and a rod appears in his hands. He pushes it into your hands and says, this device,

it has five charges in it. It can teleport you. Right. Excellent. Rod is teleporting. Motherfucker. Yeah. Just wherever I want? Is that how it works? Yes, within the city Outside the city it has no power

Well It's always a pleasure doing business with you Oh, one more thing, would you like someone to come with? Yeah He rattles the jar that you He He rattles the jar and says I seem to have a sudden influx of soldiers.

So just to get it straight, does it work like you chuck a corpse to a fellow and they suddenly become that soul? I'm just wondering. A soul can possess people, but it is also a ghost that can follow you. It obeys my commands, but I can command it to listen to you for a period. I guess what I'm curious about is, like, could I have that in a jar?

Over Damien Eaton's shoulder, you see from the massive hole that the dwarves blew at the back of his inner wall, you can see wagons laid heavy with corpses being wheeled in. Oh, dear God. Right on. This gave Eden a zombie army, you fucking idiot. Right. Does it look like, so if I had one soul in a jar.

Yes. And then in the heat of combat, I could throw it at someone and that person would become possessed. A spirit will follow you and fight for you. Right. But is it visible is me question It can become invisible Alright, let's do it He reaches into the jar

A jar maybe the size of his fist He reaches in up to his elbow And pulls out the soul of No one you recognise Damn it I want it to be Skip No He pulls out the soul of no one you recognize.

It looks like a wretched thing. Its clothes hang loosely off it, but the clothes are all spectral as well. The creature, whatever it was, or whoever it was in life, either didn't do well or death has done nothing to improve them. What happens if it gets...

turns? Turns what? Well, if it gets... Turns? Turns what? Well, if it decides to attack. Is that something I could do? Is there a way to get rid of it quickly? No. Only a magical weapon has a chance of hitting it. Right.

If it turns against you, I'd be quite surprised. It obeys me, and so do you. Yeah, right. Yeah, well, of course. Absolutely. That's absolutely the case. Let's give him a name he wraps an arm around you know what eaton you know what you know what i work better with my mouth and with my words than in combat i think a ghost just gonna muddy things up don't worry about it it's not

necessary do you not like my ghost oh i love him but behind you you're watching as his elite guard begin to lay out the bodies in rows. I think this is very ingenuitive. It's resourceful, but I just don't think it's for me. I'll get the weapon, warrior. Don't you bloody worry about it. But I just don't think I need a ghost. Please, I insist.

All right. Whatever. You convinced me. So what should we name him? I'll let you do the honors. I will name you Gary. All right. Gary it is.

Gary the ghost. Gary the ghost and Greg piss. All right, Gary, if you could turn invisible for the mo' till I need you. Just stay in the shadows. Stay away from everything. It turns invisible. Nasty. Isn't it just?

Yeah, it's grisly. All right, well, I'm going to teleport now. Unless there's anything else you need. No, good luck to you. All right, thanks, man. Rodio, do I know where Erky might be staying? Is there like a lodge? No, you don't know. Okay, so there's not like a palace of sorts.

I love that Greg Piss gets all the things that he kind of needs. It's good. It's great. You get everything you need to successfully complete a task, but at the greatest possible cost. Alright, I guess I just teleport myself into the gnomish section of the city. Do you know where you could teleport yourself to?

Your book warehouse. I could teleport myself to my book warehouse. But I have a plan, so I teleport myself to the gnomish. Didn't that thing burn down? Yeah, it's gone. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'll teleport myself to the gnomes. Wait, I can teleport myself anywhere?

Within the city. I know already where you're thinking. And... Come on, Jack. Do you? You think I haven't planned for that? I don't even know where I'm thinking. Oh, okay.

Well, you'll think of it eventually. Do I know... I don't know where individual people are, do I? Fuck. Fuck. Oh, my God, the potential. You could ask Eton. I don't want to deal with that shit again.

Eton returns to his dragon form and starts slowly climbing his way up the castle I like to imagine he started climbing as a man Just this naked guy Scaling a wall that slowly just turned into a dragon Probably, yeah Alright, you know what? I teleport myself to the gnomes

But it's good to know that that's an option You wink out of existence And you wink into existence It's very disconcerting It feels like you're dying in one place and being reborn in another it's a very different type of teleportation if you've ever been teleported before i was blinking a bit back in the day oh no that was different it wasn't teleportation so i'm gonna say maybe you put yourself in the burnt out remains of your

book warehouse okay just because it's a place that you know. Yeah, I recognize it. Are there any guard around? No, the place is deserted. Alright, well I'm going to wander the gnomish district until I find somebody that looks like they kind of might have an idea of what's going on. Somebody who looks official in some regard.

Heyselos. Heys. Alright, you do a good job of slinking about. Every now and then you encounter an armed patrol. The gnomes have become very paranoid and militaristic in this area. The any gnomes that you see are in heavy armor, carrying weapons, marching about. They've got

these weird face masks that you've never seen before. Their regular armor is, like, their armor on their body is regular. before they're regular armors like the they are armor on their body is regular but they've got these like weird elongated uh like you remember if you ever seen a plague mask yes like a plague mask with these big green glowing eyes cool spooky but cool and yeah they march around in groups like that. Eventually, you encounter a group of them walking around one gnome who does not have a weapon. He has that armor like the rest of them, but he's not carrying a weapon. Instead, he carries like a clipboard and he has a pen in one hand.

Looks like maybe he's inspecting the walls. Alter self. I can make myself look like a gnome. Yeah, that's how alter self works. You can make yourself look like a gnome that is human-sized. Oh, right. I think, hang on, let me double check. You are a short man.

So I'm just going to look like a very tall gnome. Not short enough. Right. Right, right, right, right, right, right. Oh, no. Yeah, you can make yourself look like a gnome. If I cast a spell from a distance on them, will they know that it was me? Depends on the spell.

Confusion. And I just want to cast it on one of the people patrolling this particular gnome. I get Greg's armed with a ghost. Oh, yeah, I forget I have a ghost with me. Oh, no, that ghost is not good. That's really bad for me. Everything is really bad. No, but that ghost, I'm going to have to kill that ghost at some point.

Because if I betray Eaton, that ghost is going to know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Getting the ghost was a bad idea, but I feel like I just couldn't avoid it. So you will need to say some arcane words. What range is this spell?

Oh, you could say it just, maybe just far enough away. Oh, is this regular confusion? Yes. I actually did not know this, but confusion is not one person, but within a 15 foot radius. Oh, it's a radius. That means it would get the guy in the middle. You can get all of them. Yeah, but that, including the guy in the middle.

Ah, yes. Lesser confusion? Well, with regular confusion, if you just move the thing, you can not get that guy in the middle. You can get like three of them on a corner. All right, I'll move the thing You can not get that guy in the middle You can get like three of them on a corner Alright, I'll do that Why does he want the guy in the middle? He wants to chat to him Yeah

Oh, I do that And then once that hits I cast alter self Make myself look like a gnome Alright, just any regular old gnome? Just any regular gnome Gotta think like piss Gotta think like piss

You gotta have one goal How do you get that goal? I currently don't know his goal. No, me neither. But he wants to chat to this dude. Yeah. So I'm crossing stuff out before on a sheet and I'm concerned. Oh, fuck.

If you look through my notes. One of them spins around and runs headlong into the barrier between the Noma section and the rest of the city. He slams into it at top speed and topples backwards over. The other two spin around and begin attacking other members of their group. Fantastic. Chaos erupts. I run out from where I'm hiding to the official looking gnome.

And I'm like, putting on my best gnomish accent. Oh, we gotta get out of here. Everything's gone crazy. And then I'd like to link his arm and start moving. He moves with you. Putting in my best gnomish accent. Oh, we gotta get out of here! Everything's gone crazy! And then I'd like to link his arm and start moving. He moves with you. Highs or lows? Lows.

Lows? The rest of them just contend with those three. Excellent. You get him perhaps down a back alley. Yeah, down a back alley. I don't know what that was about. Thanks for helping me. You're welcome.

That was crazy, wasn't it? It was nuts. Right. I've got a very important message for... Oh, wait, no, hang on. Chum, piss. What am I doing? I like how you were going to legitimately try to do this and then... No, no, no, no, no, no.

Uh, uh, no. Did it work? Hard to tell. You can't see his face. Right, right. I need to see... Whatever, I'll see if it worked. I need to see Erky Timbers. Can you bring me to him?

On what business? Nah, right. A very valuable information for him. Very valuable. I think that I can get him access to every other faction in this city wait a minute who are you try to tell him in person again I got four ghosts

stop casting a spell and tell me who you are gods gods try again yeah whatever gods Geds! Geds! Try again? Yeah, whatever. Geds! I give it one more go. Highs or lows?

Lows. Lows? All right. You give it one more go? Two of the soldiers you saw before round the corner. What's going on here? This guy kidnapped me! I will cast

confusion again. Why not? On all of them. You can't get all of them. You can get the two guards or just the guy in front of you. I run. You turn around and run away. Do you keep the alter self on? Yeah.

Oh, wait. No, hang on. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I get rid of alter self. All right. I'm Greg Piss. I'm a wanted criminal. You should probably take me before the person in charge here, right?

As a very large bounty on my head. You're arrested, I assume, with no... Yeah, that's fine. I'm not resisting. Alright. Oh, I hate this. They don't take you to Erky Timbers. They take you to a makeshift guardhouse that they have constructed, full of their

own gnomish town guard. They have their own set of five most wanted. You're their number three. That's garbage. Everyone else is number one. You're number five on their list. Oh, no.

I know that guy. Although, actually, in my defense, undeserved. Is Leo there? Leo didn't make the top 5 Yes! Did I make the 5 just because I'm big and punch things? You made the 5 just because you were very Visible and obvious in the riot

Fair It's like, oh that guard with the bee thing Bee guard? I knew that bee thing would come and bite me one day You're kind of like You're a local hero The gnomes saw you and they're like I don't remember this guy

I'm basically the Batman of the gnomes Well not of the gnomes Of the town So yeah you're taken to A makeshift guard house And a jail down below The jail is gnomish in construction in that one lever up one end of the room when pulled in one direction unlocks every

cell and when pulled in the other direction locks every cell classic absolutely that's the way it should be there's a series of smaller levels like levers that can unlock individual doors but there's some sort of bizarrity to them where like one lever does not open one door. One lever opens one door and locks another, and you've got to get the right combination pulled. Oh, gnomes. Oh, gnomes. couple drunkard gnomes, some humans, and one person who's wearing absolutely nothing and is chained up to a wall with more chain, like mummified by chain. He's got like a Hannibal Lecter mask over his face and he just glares at any gnomes

that pass him. What are you in for? He's got a, this guy actually probably has a personal guard as well A gnome that just constantly sits On a chair Outside his cell Reading a magazine Weird

That's strange That is Am I told what's to happen to me? They just tell you to wait here But sarcastically Like a guard would Knowing that you're gonna be here regardless Right

Right Wait here We're funny but sarcastically, like a god would, knowing that you're going to be here regardless. Right. Wait here. We were funny. They laugh. All right, I'll wait. Can Greg Pierce talk his way out of this situation? Find out next time on Jaren's Outpost Rumble, a D&D is for nerds adventure. And if you want to hear our other shows, head to sanspantsradio.com and you'll find all of our content there.

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