D&D is For Nerds - Jarren's Outpost #24 Ave Maria

Episode Date: December 30, 2017

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SANSPANTS for five bucks off the weekend pass. Just head to RTXSydney.com and you might see us there. Hello and welcome to Chapter 2 of Jaren's Outpost Rumble, a D&D's for nerds adventure. Previously. A riot sort of rippled out Throughout the entire city Fires were started, people were attacked

Is that the riot that started in the gnomish town? Yeah it was, funnily enough No building in Little Tegel Eye is currently erect It's gonna like start from scratch There's currently a gnomeman zone All around the gnomish perimeter A gnome man zone? I have roughly 100 hundred gnomes hiding

below us, but we don't have the room or food or resources to keep them. You had a bad piss, comma Greg. She gives a pained smile. Public enemy number one. Good. Slowly but surely, the dragon shrinks in size until... You okay there?

Just fuck me. What are you up to? The dragon shrinks in size. How's Papa dealing with that? Not great. He's in a bit of a fury. He's been personally getting involved. He reaches in up to his elbow and pulls out the soul of no one you recognize. Oh, damn it.

I want it to be Skip. They don't take you to Erky Timbers. They take you to a makeshift guard house that they have constructed full of their own gnomish town guard. Leo and Aurore, you arrive out the front of the Little Low Estate. The typical fountain out the front with a giant sculpture of a female halfling with giant angel wings extending a horn forward the water spurting out of the horn greets you literally like the statue talks or

what up what up fuck you know what yeah the head of the statue turns around and uh through some sort of magic the statue announces your presence to the mansion. You have no idea how much that costs. It's spectacular. Leo Shadow and Periwinkle O'Rourke. And guest. And guest.

Guest. How does it know your names? We were here before. We've been here before. I guess. You guys walk up the really long driveway. Two halflings in suits with knives at their sides greet you. Boys, how you going?

Do I know them personally? Probably not. Boys, we're here to see Papa Littolo. Inside. We tether up our ghost horses. They don't need to be tethered. They're not tether up our ghost horses They don't need to be tethered They're not tethered at all Five black carriages

With the horses still hitched to them Are So the driveway ends in one of those A cul-de-sac, whatever you call it Horseshoe shape And they're kind of like wrapped around that You pass by them To get up into the mansion.

You're led up, you know, two flights of stairs to the third floor. And the door to Little O's personal office opens up. Little O's behind his desk. He looks tired. Evening? Evening? Evening? Afternoon?

What is it? After midday. Afternoon, Papa Little O. It's a pleasure to see you. I heard Rosita got injured last night. How is she going? She's in bed. Bed rest is all she needs.

You, the priest, I could pay you. Keaton says, no need, no need. I don't think anyone here wants me privy to this conversation. I'll go see to your daughter. He leaves. No kidding. He to your daughter. He leaves. No kidding. He knows his place. He's a good man.

He's a good man. He's better than all of us. So, um... Good man. Many definitions. We stopped the Shawfoots from getting the weapon, but unfortunately we... The gnomes have it. We tried so hard.

I nearly killed my wife, me. I kept going for a bit. That's fucked up. You know little Flip Sham? I know your girlfriend. They kidnapped her. Shorefoots, man. They have no respect.

They have no respect respect Just out of curiosity Asking for a friend If you knew where Papa Shorefoot was You'd tell me If I knew where he was He wouldn't be there anymore He'd be in several places If I catch him alive though

Don't worry I'll let you know I kind of want a piece of him now as well We always want to have a of want a piece of him now as well, you know? We always want to have like a bit of a stab at him. So Papa Little O, so the priest, the gnomes now have the weapon, but the gnomes are being people who aren't necessarily in the military, but just people who are the citizens. They're being slaughtered on the streets. I'm aware of what's happening in the streets.

Father Keaton's hiding a hundred gnomes, and we want to know if we can hide them here. Little O strokes his meager beard. I don't know how to do diplomacy. I know you do not care for the gnomes as much. I'm not the fan, no. But they have the weapon, and this might go a very long way in at least bringing back peace and maybe a good gesture.

No more innocent halflings have to die. All right. I do this for you at the cost of a favor. He holds up a heavily ringed finger and says, I keep this favor for now, and later I cash it in. Yes? Yes. I guess.

I would not ask you to do something I thought you thought was immoral. That is not me. I can get on board with that. This is a favor. Perhaps it's something a bit in the gray area, but I hear you like to live in the gray area. Gray area is my specialty. I don't mean to talk too much, but I have a friend in the town guard.

He tells me a lot about you. I knew about you before you set foot in my office. And I know you're the type of man who maybe doesn't follow the rules, but you get things done. I like that. Leo, you worked for me for years. You know your place. You know the family's place. You're a good grease boy.

You're a good boy. I love you like I love my son. You're both good boys. You stay safe. I do this for you. You give me a favor and you promise me you stay safe. We promise. I go in to kiss his rings.

He holds out his hand. I kiss the ring. You're not in the family. Good. I just like salute, I guess. Cool. We'll send a message back to the family. Ah, good. I just like salute, I guess. Cool. Well, we'll send a message back to the church, tell them to send the gnomes to here.

Do you have something we can help transport the gnomes, or we can just get them to smuggle their way here? The quiet knives are the ones who know the sewers the best, but the little lords know how to get their feet dirty, if you know what I mean. All right. We can organize something ourselves. if you know what I mean. All right. We can organize something ourselves. You don't need to worry.

All right. Good. Done. Well done. And on that note, how are the quiet knives and surefoots? What's the secret? Bleeding us dry. We're not doing well.

Is there any... Do we know anything that maybe we can be of use against them? I don't know. You wouldn't happen to have an army somewhere up your sleeves you haven't told me about? I wish. He gives a pained smile. Just look in my sleeves.

Just bees. Just bees. Yeah, I don't think there's anything you can do. Perhaps you could talk to some of your town guard friends. They've been leaning pretty heavily on all the halfling families. I know none of us like it, but if they could let up on us a little bit, I'd appreciate it. You might want to give them a warning as well. They lean too heavily on some of the families and,

well, the Shawfoots have made it quite obvious they don't mind going after someone's family. That's probably fair. I probably owe the commander a bit of a visit. Maybe they'll be able to lend us some support, some troops, and something if any of my connections there are still good at all. Well, yeah. Leo, I'm coming back into town to organize this thing for you. I want you to come with me.

Speak with the priests there. You want to go see the guard captain? I'll take you there as well. Thank you. I greatly appreciate your generosity. You're going to be a made man, will you? Tell you what.

And your friend Keaton, he can come with us as well. I'd send you with my son Little little He'll keep you safe It's like I just look at my arms It's a nice gesture Okay If a surefoot attacks you

Those big strong arms They won't do anything They are slippery True Surefoots have no respect They kill a man without even telling him they're coming Ah fair Little Little can hold him down and I can

Pull their faces off Alright He gets up from behind the desk You notice now that he was wearing black leathers And dagger bandoliers the entire time Oh yeah I love fucking epic little O. He's amazing.

Let's go. You all bundle out. He grabs, as you're going, he just grabs some of his muscle by the shirt front and says, come on, we're going. We got the business to take care of. Just taking care of business, play over this clip. No one he grabs asks questions

People just go As he's going as well He grabs He has a butler He tells the butler Get for me Someone who knows the sewers I need a man who knows the sewers

The butler nods And such a person Greets you at the carriages You all pile up Into the black carriages And You're off Beautiful Pierce Where were you? I'm in a JL prison That's right carriages. You all pile up into the black carriages and you're off. Beautiful.

Where were you? I'm in a prison. That's right. I spent 20 years in a gnomish prison. With Hannibal Lecter. You know you have Gary the Ghost, right? Yeah. I was wondering with Gary. Will you do whatever I say, Gary?

I don't know if that's affirmative. If I tell you to go and grab me soul from the blood cult, will you do it? Oh, wait, no, actually. No, no, no. Never mind. Stay with me. It's fine. I've got other plans for you. Hey, also, can a ghost unpossess someone?

Unpossess? So if I send... If you make him possess someone, yeah, he can get back out. Oh, that's real good news, Adam. Cool. Oh, what are you going to do? A gnome walks down. He's flanked by two guards with those plague mask type gas. All the gnomish guards are wearing those.

With those plague mask masks. He walks up to you, brings a chair, sits it down. He sits down on it and you can tell that he's wearing just the chest piece to a set of armor, Gnomish armor.

He folds his arms and says, all right, then you wanted to speak with someone important. My name is Governor Tingle, Lot, Bot, Fot, Hop, Throttle. I'm going to call you Frottle, but that's very funny. Right, Frottle.

Unfortunately, the information that I have, I will not give to anyone other than Erky. But let me know you now that this information is of grave importance to the gnomes specifically. I'm in charge of gnomish forces here. Erky Timbers is just a representative of the gnomish trading company. Does that seem like that seems legitimate?

Do I believe that? Well, you don't think he's lying. You don't know what's going on within the gnomish power structure right now. All right, well, he's a skinny. Damien Eaton is amassing an army, an army of the undead. I don't know why and I don't know how, but he plans to take the weapon from you.

Tell me a little bit about how. By force, by hook, by crook, whatever he can do. I don't want to be caught in that. So I bring the information to you, right? In hopes that maybe I could be a little bit protected by the gnomes here. What's your thinking? Governor Throttle nods his head. Well, an army of the undead.

Can you tell me numbers? Anything like that? How many dead are in the city currently? Hundreds of thousands. Hundreds of thousands. Hundreds of thousands. That's quite a lot. It's worrisome. Well, this could work to our advantage.

Well, that's pleasant. Good for you. What do you stand to gain in all this? Well, human is a struggle. See, due to a bad business deal with mine, Damien Eaton has me shadow. So I was thinking if in the ensuing fray... We could get you your shadow.

Yeah, well, that'd be nice. If you help us bring down Damien Eaton, we'll gladly give you your shadow back. That's wonderful. Also, and you don't have to do this, but it'd be sweetening the deal, the blood cult's got me soul. Whoa, that's some intense magic right there.

Yeah, it's rough. We'll promise to help, but we can't make guarantees. All right. Wonderful. Excellent. What do you need from me? All right. So, there is magic to bring the undead to life, and there's magic to control the undead to life, and there's magic to control the undead once someone else has brought them back. Now, my mama always told me, don't buy the cow if you get the milk for free.

We're going to give you a little crystal, a device that can control undead. Damien Eaton summons them. you activate this crystal, we control them. Wonderful. Sounds like an excellent plan. Now, just to check to make sure that you're not telling a little bit of a fib, I'm not one great at reading faces, especially non-Gnomish

faces. Yeah, right, right, right. But we have recently procured the services of a certain gentleman who is quite good at these sorts of things. Yeah. Right. Soft elven footfalls come down the stairs. Oh, that's a crying shame.

The elf walks up to the bars, standing next to Governor Throttle. He's wearing, like, a nice three-piece suit, and he's bespectacled. There's a couple telltale drops, droplets of blood on his glasses as he says, Hello again. Oh, that voice. Well, it's been a while, hasn't it? The gentleman here is quite well acquainted with the minds of people. Not magically, surgically.

Yeah. Now, the gentleman here has assured me that there is a place in the brain that is responsible for lying. Is that so? Yes. I'm going to give you a fair warning, right? If this happens, if this man performs surgery on me,

you'll regret it. That's all I'm saying. Will I just? You will absolutely regret it. How so? It will be bad for you. Don't do it. It's your risk, mate. That's a risk you've got to be willing to take. Oh, God.

Part of me, though, is excited to see if Greg Piss is brilliant without his ability to lie. He looks up at the elf. The elf looks down at him. He looks back at you, and Governor Throttle says, Very well, then. But double-cross us us and i assure you he holds up the rod that you would stripped of i assumed so yeah he holds up the rod that damien

even eaten gave you and he starts twirling it in his fingers i know a lot more about you than you think i do wow the rod you're saying, what, like, you know, that I've been to Eton? Is that what you're saying? I know that you're in league with damn near every faction in this city. Well, you're an idiot if you think that's a bad thing, because that works to your advantage, doesn't it?

You betraying everyone you've made a deal with so far works to my advantage, does it? Well, not that aspect of it, but you want to get rid of anyone? Well, I can get... The benefit of being everyone's enemy is that everybody who hates you wants to see you at some point face to face. Governor Throttle gets up, starts to walk away and says,

We'll give you your equipment and the gem. You need to wait until after he brings the corpses back to activate the gem. Once that's happened, do it within his keep. We will take control of the corpses and whatever else he manages to create. And we will take this city, regardless of what some others might believe. And he points your little rod at you. If you betray us, we won't give it back. Whoa.

It's a pleasure doing business, fella. Take his lips. What? Governor Throttle leaves. He's going to take me lips? This will be much easier if you just relax. Told him I shouldn't do surgery on me. I want the ghost to possess the elf.

Oh, boy. You are very lucky, Adam, that I didn't meet Erky. Because you would have possessed Erky. That was my plan. What? That didn't surprise me one little bit. What a good plan, though. The ghost is in him.

Right. Go tell him you couldn't be bothered or you didn't want to do it. Something like that. Make up an excuse. Swaying slightly, looking like he's about to be sick. The elf turns about and walks. Oh, wait. Hang on.

Come back. Can I just cast Alter Cell for myself to look like I don't have lips? Sure. Yeah, I'll do that. All right. Don't worry about it. Could I just... Do I? for myself to look like i don't have lips sure yeah i'll do that all right don't worry about it could i just do i i don't have my spells back do i haven't had a rest no no all right yeah go tell him you did it he staggers away from you cool drooling slightly that's fine i'll just chill in my cell till they

let me free all right some guides Some guards come by later on. As they walk past, they're carrying like all of your equipment, a bunch of boxes of different things as well. And as they walk past, one of them kicks the stool

that the gnome reading the magazine is on, not to unseat him or anything like that, just to get his attention. And the guard says, how's the big one doing? He's fine.

In those chains, he ain't going anywhere. What is he? He's a paladin for the sabers. Oh, right. Right. Yeah, I know a couple of sabers. Do I recognize him? I'll peer through the bars at him.

Have a bloody sticky beak. You just can't see enough of his face. What's his name? Don't know. Right. What is he like? Don't know. Right. What is he like? What? A werewolf or something?

No, he's not a man. More a force of nature. Alone, he killed nearly a hundred goblins. Not goblins. Gnomes. We're gnomes. Alone, he killed nearly a hundred gnomes. He's the only creature I've ever seen to stand up to the weapon.

Wow. Ain't that interesting. Well, they give you your equipment. Right. Plus a glass container with a, it's about the size of a football, a green gem slowly pulsating in it.

The gnomes explain to you that to activate it, you need to grab the top handle and twist it 90 degrees. Okay. You're going to have to keep it secret on you. Damien Eaton might know what it is. Yeah, I'll keep it secret. I'll secrete it somewhere.

All right. Excellent. That's being Keister. What are you doing here? The elf returns. Yeah, he did his job. Yes. What are you doing here?

I can't explain his actions. I'm not talking to you. Alright, yeah, no, fair. The elf slowly... He seems sick. You look sick. Yeah. I'd take him to the infirmary if I were you. Alright, then. Come along.

Two of the guards, after they give you. Two of the gnomes, like the two guards, after they give you your equipment back and set you loose. Cool. Actually, no, they don't leave you alone. One of the gnomes gently grabs him and starts pushing him along. He resists, but only lightly. He's slowly being dragged away. He reaches out with a hand towards you.

I don't know what you want, mate. Oh, wow. He reaches out with a hand towards you I don't know what you want mate Oh wow Alright he's led away As the other gnome says You can just use that little thing to teleport now Oh right well that's a shame Making me waste one of me goes of it But fair enough How else do you expect to get out

You could unlock me but that's fine They did unlock you Oh right well I could probably walk They said to let you teleport Alright that seems more dangerous but that's fine. They did unlock you. Oh, right. Well, I could probably walk. They said to let you teleport. All right. That seems more dangerous, if I'm perfectly honest with you.

How is it more dangerous? Maybe unlock me, and I'm in your area. If I teleport, who knows where I could go? Are you going to betray us? No, I'm just saying. You know I've got a reputation.

Well, if we let you go, you could... Oh, no, all right. You're free to teleport regardless. This seems like a weird decision. Fair, fair. Right, right. Cheerio. This is like telling someone to their face,

I'm going to fuck you. Cool. It's a very great piss thing to do. All right, where do you teleport? After this, you love three guys. Yeah. He hasn't activated everyone yet though does has he no it doesn't look like it okay well if i can if i assume that my shadow is getting got back by that plan then my next move surely is to reacquire my soul

so i want to teleport myself into the sewers. All right. Specific place. You could teleport straight into the Blood Cold headquarters if you thought you couldn't do it. Make it safe. Yeah, sure. That's where we go. You teleport into the Blood Cold headquarters. You teleport not literally face-to-face with him, but certainly like maybe face to face with Moroni. Oh, sweet.

Is he the one that has my soul? Yes. He's also the leader. He's got it in a locket around his neck. Can I just grab the locket and teleport? Wow. Wow. Bye.

He goes first. He tries to grab you by the face He tries to grab you by the face Oh they're there Yeah they're there, they're just invisible Greg Pearson is invisible lips So now you just look horrific You're just teeth and a nose

He grabs you by the face And you feel your energy Being sucked out up along his arm Your cheeks become gaunt Any breakfast or meal The last meal you might have had You feel as if you hadn't had it You feel hungry, you feel thirsty

You feel tired Your skin takes on this Sallow, like awful yellowish appearance Like you maybe Your your liver is failing. Any old wounds you have begin to open up. Your many old surgery wounds open up and begin to bleed. Too good. You feel like maybe you're like, a tooth falls out.

You take 16 points of damage. Rightio. If I teleport with someone, is that a thing I can do? No. Well, that's fine. That's a shame. I promise to teleport. To Eden.

No, up high. Drop down on him. That's not how the teleport spell works. That's a shame. Just teleport to Eden with him. Or Eden. Got him. All right.

You take 16 points of damage. It's your turn What would you like to do? Grab the locket, teleport You try to reach out and grab the locket But Morini takes a step back Die, Eden! He screeches at you What? Quickly, did you mean to say die, Eden to him?

Or die, piss? Die, piss! There it is. He grabs the locket and takes it off his neck. He holds it out behind him and throws it against the floor. That's a crying shame, but also means I don't have to fuck with the blood cult anymore if it's gone. It shatters into a thousand pieces. Your soul.

I teleport to above where it'll come out. Highs or lows? Oh, wow. Highs. You teleport into a wall. It feels really weird To have like a wall in you And then the secondary effects of a teleportation spell kick in

You get what is known in D&D, shunted So you are moved until you are in a safe place for you to stand And every 5 feet that you need to move You take a d6 damage. Right. Holy shit. You need to move 15 feet to get to a place where you are safe. Right. You take 12

points of damage. Your soul escapes past you, moving through solid rock as if it were nothing. You make a reflex save. Put your mouth around it. I'm just assuming. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Unless you make a reflex put your mouth around it i like i'm just assuming yeah yeah absolutely unless you had a different plan okay so you slam your head up against the wall because it's like half in the wall half out open your mouth as wide as you can and you start

catching half of your soul. The soul is like... So when the soul is completely past you, it starts... Because you didn't catch all of it, it starts like slipping out of your mouth. You... Like a straw. Begin trying to suck it back in.

It's gone. You can teleport again up the building you were in Can I teleport to the top of the building And put my mouth over the lip Yeah I'll do that How many teleportations is that now I think I've got one left Worse than

You teleport to the top of the building Your soul begins to It's going past you again You jam your face Into the middle, your soul begins to... It's going past you again. God damn it. You jam your face into the middle of your soul. You start sucking it up. It's like trying to escape again. Even using my

hands, pushing it down. Like smoke. It's very difficult to manipulate with your hands, but with your hands, you're able to get the tiny little wisps of bits that you didn't grab and just... Your soul is back inside. Yay!

Greg Piss got his soul back. I imagine I feel better than I've felt in such a long time. You feel amazing. But also you might have liver cancer. You have a rock-hard erection. such a long time. You feel amazing. But also, you might have liver cancer based on what we're writing to you. You have a rock-hard erection. The first one you've been able to properly get since you lost your soul.

You think maybe the soul is required to get a stiffy, maybe. D&D abides by strange rules. Oh my god, where's that on my sheet so I can tick it? Reacquire soul! Done! Got it.

Well done. Thank god. Good work. I'll just kick it up here and rest. Jumping back to... Yeah. Yeah, we seem real mundane in comparison. I'm just going to talk to some work colleagues

and you're rescuing some gnomes. No souls, no teleporting. I'm talking to some work colleagues so that they maybe don't get killed by the mob and saving a hundred gnomes in the underground gnomish rail route. Yeah, we've been doing pretty damn good. We're not drinking any souls, though.

No, look, that's true. But that's on you guys. We're not doing an inverted Dementors kiss. Am I in? You both arrive at your different locations at roughly the same time. But I'll go with you first, Periwinkle. You get out of the carriage. Little Little, they park kind of like

around the corner because Little Little is a bit nervous about being seen right in front of the guardhouse. You wait here. I'll go inside. And if you hear fighting, that's the cue to come in. Little, little nods. I got your back.

All right, off we go. The front of the guardhouse is just a complete mess. There's a large carriage, a four-horse carriage, massive, like a big, fancy-looking number, which you imagine to be the captain's personal carriage it's got like a a rider on the top who maybe recognizes you and gives you a curtain nod as you pass by but there's also like a thousand horses hitched here or whatever not a

thousand but like it's pandemonium there's criminals being led into the guardhouse, and all of them are struggling. There are more criminals than town guard right now. It's a mess. When you get inside, it's no better. There's dozens of desks heaped high with paper and parchment and all different files and stuff like that. There's a handful of town guard trying desperately to work out this paperwork. There's a gigantic notice board with thousands of messages like,

here's a description of my husband. If you see him, please contact me. Here's a description of my son, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Maybe even some like of pets, stuff like that. Oh, Jesus. There's a big map of the city and there's pins stuck in danger points little tigalai has just been scribbled out by someone and a note has been marked next to it saying lost question mark fair you glance through to the jail cells and they are

shoulder to shoulder full there are outside the jail cells criminals handcuffed to the bars good good use of space and resourcing guards here are still outnumbered by criminals and they're having trouble doing anything there's so many people here yelling at a duty sergeant that the duty sergeant has just got his head in his hands and is shaking his head slowly to the chorus of a hundred people calling out like, where's my husband? What happened? Uh,

even mundane shit. Like we haven't had water for days. All right. All right. The stairs to get up to the second level where the captain is are packed tight. You have to push your way up. I was going to try to make everything really quiet and stand on a table. Oh, you can if you want.

And intimidate everyone in the room. You can try. All right. I'll try that. I stand up on a table and just yell. Quiet. Quiet! Yeah.

Quiet Quiet Yeah You instill quietness in a 30 foot radius around you Everyone stops what they're doing and looks at you But the majority of the room continues I really want to try again I want to make this room real quiet Do you like full on orc scream?

I just like orc quiet Yeah The bottom level goes silent Like full on orc scream. I just like, orc, quiet! Yeah, yeah. The bottom level goes silent. Everyone's looking at you, waiting for you to say something. Alright, two things. One, make a line behind the duty sergeant's desk. He cannot hear 400 complaints at once. With a lot of pushing and shoving, a line begins to form.

All right. Now, while in that line, if your complaint is about a missing person, form a line over with this guy over here, Larry. Larry puts a hand up. All the details of people looking for missing people. Larry gives you a very sad expression. I give Larry an intimidating expression that says, you'll do this, Larry.

You owe me. A less orderly but nonetheless line forms at Larry. Okay. Are we all good now? No one says anything, but, like, they're doing it. All right. Now I'm going to go upstairs and I'm going to have a word with the commander. If I come back down here and you're all doing the same thing you were doing five seconds ago,

I'm going to punch people in the face. You don't think anyone is going to question your orders? Good. As you were. And I go up the stairs. The duty sergeant gives you like a thank you look. You still need to push your way upstairs just because it's like so packed.

That's busy. I get it. You get to the top This is like where the quotation marks detectives work It's like, you know, individual cases The detectives though are not here They're all like downstairs Helping out with the regular people There's just not enough time

For one person to be devoted to one case Right now But there's a lot of A lot of the detective's offices have been cleared out and are being used as extra jail houses. Beautiful. The office to Captain Tolton, Commander Tolton, is open and there's a guard posted out the front. I'm here to see the commander. The guy looks you up and down. You probably recognize him. He's like a mid-level guy. Yeah, mid-level guy. No up and down. You probably recognize him. He's like a... Yeah, mid-level guy.

Yeah, mid-level guy. Like, no one's special. He nods and says, go on. The commander's like across the table from some... You notice them as some... You recognize them as some upper lords and ladies of the city. Just like important people with a lot of money. He seems deep in conversation with them.

You can tell from the conversation that he's trying to rally support. He looks up when you enter. Good. I was like, oh, what am I going to do now? Commander? His expression turns very sheepish. He gets like a bit, he blushes a little bit, like embarrassed. And he says, I need a moment to the lords and ladies. A bunch of them get up. Some of them like willingly, but some of them he's like, I need a moment. Please leave.

And some of the more pretentious ones get up in a bit of a huff and leave. As they leave, I give him a look that's like, don't be doing that shit. You follow instructions. You intimidate some of them, but like a couple are probably people who have their own private armies and they're not bothered by you. No, that's alright, because I got some of them. In among them, you spot Lane Biddlecoff.

You know him as a very wealthy spice merchant and also probably but can't be proven member of a blood cult. Do I have the suspicion that he's in the blood cult, though. Everyone suspects that he's in the blood cult, but there's no proof.

I might grab him later. He is! I might grab him on the way out. Commander. How are you? You still holding on to it? Did I grab the commander? No, you said Biddlecough.

You grabbed him. Oh, no, no. I'll grab him on the way out. Oh, I see what you mean. I thought you Biddlecoff. You grabbed him. Oh, no, no. I'll grab him on the way out. Oh, I see what you mean. I thought you meant on his way out. No, no, no, no, no. I'm not just going to grab a guy. The commander gestures to the seat in front of him. Although I could have been like, Commander, as favor, I'm taking this guy

and you're not going to ask me any questions. The commander gestures to the seat in front of him. Please. I take a seat. Obviously, I need to apologize for my conduct. I'm very sorry for what I did. Behind him, there's like this massive panoramic window to the chaos downstairs. You can still see the orderly lines, though. Got him. I'm going to guess

it was piss, wasn't it? I believe he cast a spell over me. Yes. Of course he did. He reaches into one of his drawers and he pulls out your badge, sets it on the table and says, it's here if you want it. Sir, as much as I respect you and this establishment,

I'm currently working where that isn't going to help me. He leans back. He says, you working with the halfling families? I'm working with people who need help. He nods. Who are you fighting for? I'm fighting for people who need help.

No, I mean like- Literally? The city. I'm fighting for the city, the whole city, so that people can survive to the end of the night. My basic goal here is to make sure that my family is okay, the families of all these people are okay, that the people who don't deserve to be caught up in any of this are okay.

So I'm trying to ask you for a favor, I guess. I'm just bad at it. Walk with me, he says. He gets up. All right, let's go. He grabs his sword, silver steel, and he travels with that. He grabs your badge as well. He's not like offering it, he just grabs it. You notice that he grabs it and he picks it up. You're walking back downstairs with him. Like Moses and the Red Sea, people part before the both of you.

Even criminals chained to bars and such like that just don't want anything to do with the two of you. I'mained to bars and such like that just don't want anything to do with the two of you i'm gonna quickly jump to leo you get uh yes i'm just gonna hurry a lot of stuff it's not like largely important the minutiae unless you want unless there's something specific thing you want to bring up no but yeah you just facilitate you like you don't need to be there to be between the chief priestess clara and little load but you be there to be between the Chief Priestess Clara and Little O, but you're there to grease palms. Everything moves more smoothly with you there.

Can I grease those palms, but then also maybe try and get Flipchamp to be my proxy in this? And then I want to try and mosey my way up to the Sabres. Oh, yeah, Flipchamp's happy to help. She helps you both with the gnomes and getting the two groups to work together. Neither of the, well, the halflings don't trust her as much as you, though, so you're still needed for some basic stuff. Well, not needed, but, like, Flipchamp asks if you'd remain just to, while it's beginning.

They're making, like, devising plans. Yeah, just initially while I'm there, I'm like, I'm just here to facilitate, but, like, I think I need to go. Little Little actually probably offers, if you're willing to stay just for the plan making section, that he'll drive you close. Oh, yeah, perfectly. Like, yeah, let's just do this. Yeah, let's just help each other out, not only to get to them sabers without periwinkles. You do a good job.

Maybe there's even some laughter at the meeting. You crack a joke and people are like, good one. It's the first time that's happened, hey Shadow? But yeah, you're not required. You're just the oil that makes sure that the machine runs smoothly. The grease. The grease. That makes sure the machine runs smoothly.

Grease boy. It's not just a spell. Before you're able to leave though, I'm going to jump back. So you're walking down the stairs You're walking through the lobby He just Updates you on a bunch of small information Nothing that's really pertinent

But just telling you how everything's going And you can tell that he Every now and then he gives you a sideways glance As if, maybe not concerned But concerned whether or not you're going to be Returning to the force Hard decision Alright maybe not concern, but like concern whether or not you're going to be returning to the force. Hard decision.

All right. So as we're walking, I basically explain that the town guard need to go to the gnomes. He nods. He gets a pained expression. He's like, yes, I think we might need to make some difficult allies. I think you said difficult. I've seen the people up close. I went in there.

I heard about that. Yeah, it was all right. I punched a lot of people. Damn it, you get results. I sure do. Look, they're all right. They're good people. They're just scared. They've got their weapon back.

I don't know why they're still here. So potentially what I'm suggesting is Tell them to take their weapon and leave Possibly What other point do they have for staying here? You think they can do that? Leave? Yeah

I don't know, but it's worth starting a conversation And as literally the only force in this city anymore That isn't going to murder them, I think it falls to you. He looks you up and down. You're like at the front doors at this point. And the lords and ladies are standing outside waiting for him to return to them.

He says, You're a damn good cop. You would have made a better detective. That's good. Oh, that's good. Oh, that's good. Thank you, sir. That means a lot. If you want to take your badge, take this.

He gives you silver steel. I know you don't like to use swords, but you might find it comes in handy every now and then. Okay, sir. Thank you. And think about my offer. And if you're doing it, you'd need to do it soon. Don't worry.

I'm going to make sure it gets done. He quickly jots down a note and passes it to one of his second-in-commands. And he whispers some words to him. He's basically giving him your plan. He says, just make sure it gets done, blah, blah, blah. Cool. We need the X, Y, Z done. Then he turns back to you and says, is there anything else you need?

Phew, that is a loaded question, but the short answer is if you have any information on our old friend Papa Shorefoot, that'd be real nice. Ah, I wish I had any. We've been leaning pretty heavily on the families, trying to get the various papas to come to the table. On that, maybe don't lean so hard on all of the families.

Some of them might be prepared to come to the table if the approach was more diplomatic. We've had several threats. Fair enough. Two of the families I don't really care about. The quiet knives and the surefoots. Yeah. The other thing, too, is the harder you lean, the angrier they're going to get.

And I have heard that there is a chance that there are some of the less, more salubrious members of the halfling families that are coming for you guys. Don't worry. My family is safe and I'm ready to do what it takes to get this done. But I'll lean off them for you. Good.

And on the final point of, if you can't get the gnomes to leave or find out, maybe broken alliance with them, we can protect them. We are the town guard. Maybe it's time we did some guarding. Fair. He leaves some further notes with a second in command. Beautiful.

It's going to be difficult to approach the gnomes, but we'll do what we can. And, I mean, if you kill some sabers on the way. Eh. We're not going to stir up more trouble than we need to frankly Okay that's why I don't have the badge anymore He chuckles He walks

Oh sorry you had something else to say No I was just going to say If he's going to walk inside as the lords and ladies go I try to surreptitiously grab old mate Actually he's walking out with them Okay They're like approaching their carriages It looks like

What's his name? Who? Oh Bottle Bob Bruno Bristle Dick Bristle Dick They're like approaching their carriages. It looks like... What's his name? Who? Oh. Bottle Bob? Bruno Bristle Dick? Bristle Dick. Bruno Bristle Dick.

Bruno Bristle Dick. Biddlecough. Biddlecough. One last thing, sir. I'd like to have a private way with Biddlecough. I think he can help me with something. He gestures and Biddlecough comes over. The ex-officer would like to have a word with you.

And he walks over to where all of their, like, transportation is linked up or whatever. It looks like you, like, from the conversation earlier and, like, as you approach them, the conversation now, it sounds like they're going to go, like, have an inspection of some of the guardhouses and, like, talk about improvements that they could make. And one last thing, Commander. Real sorry about this. And I grab old mate Spice Merchant and just fuck off. Please? Okay. Okay. So this might be very difficult.

I know it's like getting the rights to a song is damn near impossible. But Zamit, if at all possible, could you please just play as much Ave Maria under what's happening right now as you possibly can? I don't think I can get the right. I'm pretty sure I can make sure that Jackson could give a lovely rendition of Ave Maria. Hang on, wait, not just yet. I'll cue you when you need to start doing it. So, Pretty sure I can make sure that Jackson could give a lovely rendition of Ave Maria.

Hang on, wait, not just yet. I'll cue you when you need to start doing it. So, Commander Tolkien, standing with like one foot in his carriage and one hand on his carriage, looking at you with like this weird perplexed expression. Everything goes into slow motion for you. At the same time, Leo, as Little O is walking towards his carriage, Flipchamp grabs you, and one last moment, she gives you a tender kiss. You turn away from her towards Little O as he climbs into the carriage ahead of you. He looks back and gives you a wiry smile.

Everything goes into slow motion for you. Ave Maria. I don't know any of the other lyrics. The Lord Commander's carriage explodes. Little Lo's carriage explodes. Shards of wood, metal and glass Fly in all directions A giant fireball ripples from underneath both carriages Engulfing everyone within ten feet

Can a reflex save and I want to protect Flip Sham You two are both pretty far away But the shockwave is slowly rippling out towards you With your halfling reflexes, you turn around and tackle Flip Sham to the ground, shielding her with your body. At the same time, you are

you, without your halfling reflexes, are simply blown backwards into the guard building with the spice merchant. The spice merchant, you slam into a wall. The spice merchant sails through a glass window and out of your hands. Oh, fuck. The shockwave rattles you to your bones.

And then you feel the intense wave of heat wash over you. The fireball doesn't engulf you, but you certainly feel the heat of it. Everything returns to normal speed. You slide to the ground. All either of you can hear is just... It's like that moment at the start of the movie with the war. Yes. You know what I mean.

I'm there. I'm saving private Ryan. Yeah, I was there. You start groggily looking around. People are crying, screaming. There's bodies all around both of you. You, Periwinkle, the bodies of guards, criminals, and even just some civilians who were caught up in the blast.

Jesus. Leo, the bodies of acolytes, of penia and gnomes, the bodies of gnomes, gnomes. The bodies of Gnomes. Gnomes as in with a G-N. The charred remains of both of your mentors are all that you see. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Fuck. Leo. Smoke. Smoke. All you have eyes for right now is Flip Sham, who's gently sobbing. A shard of glass is impacted in her thigh. Ah, Jesus. You begin gingerly trying to help her.

Periwinkle, you have no loved ones nearby. All you're doing is scanning the scene. I run over to the window where that fuckhead flew through. As you get up, you spot down a side alley near where Little Little is. Not exactly where, but near where. You spot a halfling with a shock of red hair Give a wiry smile and slip down the side alley You hear moaning inside from the spice merchant

I just barely manage to suppress my anger at the red-headed surefoot family The pack of fucking dicks that they are And I go for the Spice Merchant. Name I completely forget all the time. We all do for some reason. Biddlecoff. Biddlecoff. Biddlecoff.

Lane Biddlecoff. You pick up silver steel, maybe almost just reflexively, and climb in through the window. Silver steel warms in your hands. This is nice. So I'm still inside. He's climbing through the window. Silver steel warms in your hands. This is nice. So I'm still inside. He's climbing through the window.

Biddlecough is lying broken and bloodied on the floor. He doesn't look like he's going anywhere. Is he conscious? Yeah. I get real close to. People are like running. There's pandemonium. You could slit his throat and no one would notice.

Yeah, I'm not going to do that just yet. I get real close to Biddlecough. I'm a friend of the guards. I'm a friend of the guards. Are you also a friend of the blood cult? His face snarls. Fuck you. Oh, temper, temper, temper,

because you may be a friend of the guards, but I'm not a guard anymore. because you may be a friend of a guard's, but I'm not a guard anymore. And I just put the tip of the sword just to his neck. The sword gets not red, well, red hot, but not painfully so in your hands. Just like it's excited.

What do you want, he says. Oh, just simple. I mean, you're a blood cult man. You like blood. I assume you like your blood where it belongs in your body and not spilled. It's other people's blood you like to spill. That's how the religion works. Tomato, tomato.

Spill my blood and you send me to my god. Okay, so I'm not going to spill your blood. So you don't get to go to your god. You just get to lie here in pain forever. I can break bones without making you bleed. Do. He starts leaning forward such that the sword starts cutting into him if you don't move it.

Do your worst. Pull the sword away. Don't want him to kill himself. He starts bleeding a bit from his throat. Alright, so here's what's going to happen. I'll do you a deal. You want to live in pain forever because I can do that. It's something I'm very capable of. By this stage

also I'm being a bit intimidating. And I'm like you're going to show me, draw a map, fuck, I'll carry you. You're going to show us how to get through the sewers into the Gnomish district. No. Okay then I'll just break some more of his fingers. You reach down, grab one of his hands The sword is searing hot but still not painful in your hands You grab some of his fingers and just crunch They snap, crackle and pop

He cries out in pain but says nothing He's staring daggers into your eyes. Five down. I reckon you've got 15 to go. So go to the other fingers. They crunch as well. He cries out in pain, but still does not relent. How high up is he in the blood cult?

Do I have an idea of that? If he is a member of the blood cult, he's like one of the three leaders. All right. I'm assuming the leaders of the Blood Cult would want one of their leaders back. So I could use him as a ransom toy. Maybe. You're not sure the internal politics. It could be that like you say, you know, tell me what I want or whatever, or I'll

kill him, and they're like, yes, please kill him. That's the struggle of the blood cult. Well then, I'll just keep this fucker alive for ages. He'll never get to bleed out. He'll never get to die. You'll never get to see your garden, because get this, I could do this

a really long time eventually the chaos is going to die down a little bit and people might start wondering why you're torturing a person so you might want to move oh yeah no no i i break his other hand and ask if he has anything more to say and if he doesn't say anything i'm just going to carry him out to little little all right you carry him out to where little little is waiting with the carriage he was injured in the blast that broke both his hands. Don't even know why you're lying. It's not like they're friendly with the Blood Cult.

Oh no, not to Little Little. I was just like saying it as I left. Oh, okay. No one questions you. Yeah, good. You get to Little Little. His driver was kind of like peering around the corner looking at the carnage. Little Little is sitting on the carriage smoking a cigarette.

That the guy who did it? No, the guy who did it was about your height, had red hair. Just like the Surefoots then? He hops down off the carriage. Sorry, we couldn't do anything. That's all right. I did see one of them out here. How good are halflings at tracking?

Any good? Not very good. No. Okay. We can try and figure out who did it, but... I know who did it. It was a short foot. I mean, specifically.

Publish short foot will count. All right. This guy, we need to take him with us. He's a member of the blood cult and also a giant pain in the ass. He's got lots of money, too. You could rob him and, you know. I suppose all you need is four four walls, a roof and a chair for this guy. Yeah. How many times can we just drive around the block for a little

bit? He pats one of the ponies. These girls could go all day. Good. You climb into the carriage. You, Little Little and Lane. Do I know that? I don't know that you're there, do I? I'm on the other side. I'm like with the gnomes, but like with an N. We go off driving, and it's like I could drive for ages.

Again, the same threat. You're not going to get any relief, any anything, and I'll just. All right. And also, you're pretty well off, Mr. Bittlecough. Bittlecough. Nice, strong family name, Biddlecoff. It is a strong family name.

Spice Merchant Company, and I know all the addresses of your family because you're quite a well-to-do man, Mr. Biddlecoff. Oh, you're using the tactics they're using. Sure, there's a Mrs. Biddlecoff, a couple of little Biddlecoffs, an old lady Biddlecoff, and I don't know about you, but I reckon they break a bit easier than you do. Silversteel calls. Okay, that's not good.

Who cares about the sword? Don't let the sword control your life. The sword knows that I'm not going to hurt them, though, right? It's a sword. But, I mean, we don't have to worry about that. I'm not the kind of guy who would hurt someone's family, but I mean,

I do happen to know a large portion of the Halfling Mafia. You saying that for him or for the sword? Both. All right, we'll jump to Leo because you unfortunately haven't gotten much.

I've just been helping save the gnomes' lives and then they all blowed up. Not all the gnomes, just a bunch of them. Like, you know, 60, 80, 70. For dickheads' armies, that's good. 90, 100, all of them.

No, a couple gnomes. A couple gnomes were killed. It was mostly acolytes and just, like, some civilians who got caught up in the blast. So how's Flip Sham? Is she okay? She's shivering. But luckily, surprisingly, there's quite a few priests on here.

I'm going to be like, you're okay, you're okay, you're okay, you're okay. Buster Keaton immediately wanders over. He just puts a hand on her casually. Her wounds heal and he keeps moving. I'm going to run over to Little O. Little O and try and... You pretty much can't identify the corpse.

Is there his ring? Oh, yes. Put it on. Put it on. No, you're not able to identify. You can't find his corpse, let alone the rings. I'm just going to keep searching to see if there's anything there, like anything of Little O's.

Anything at all. Come on, Adam, give us this. You find his body, and on his body you can get some of his rings. I just wanted that wing of protection. I think Little Little wouldn't love it. You know what I mean? Yeah. All right, you take off Pilfer from the dead, a ring of protection.

I also don't know that Little Low's dead, so I can't tell Little Little that. Exactly. This is for your son. I want to look around. Do I know any little fuckers around that might have done this that I could see? No, you were too concerned with Flip Sham. I want to like just, can I just yell? Anyone see anything?

Anyone see anything? Anyone know anything? No, no one saw anything. The perpetrator probably wasn't even here when it happened, Buster says. Do I have an inkling? Well, this is pretty typical of the surefoots but it could also be someone just trying to implicate them like the quiet knives would do something like that it disturbs me how quiet the quiet knives have been but they the fucking gnomes got the fat. Yeah, I'm thinking the quinoa's are working with the gnomes maybe. Anyway.

Right. Oh, no. That's not what I wanted to happen. Ah, gnome. Oh, no. Okay. All right. Shorefoots.

Shit. Any of Little O's around here? As in my crew? There's maybe a couple of the guards or whatever. The suits. The tough guys. Alright, I want to just grab one of the suits and just be like, give the ring to him and be like, give this fine little little, he was down with the guard tower, go tell him what's happened. Pretty sure it was the shorefoots. Go now. Run.

He runs. He's gone. Or get a horse, whatever. The other one. Okay, we need to get these gnomes to safety. Is the mansion still safe? I don't know. Ian's house is safe. Ian's house is safe. Because he's paranoid and rich.

He's the Howard Hughes of... Sure. You're building Ian up as something that he frankly is not. I've decided, I name Ian Ian, he can be whatever he is. He spells his name with an A. Right. I'm not going to get it to Buster, I'm like, Buster,

can we, I don't know how safe the mansion's going to be anymore. I don't know. I just don't know. safe the mansion's going to be anymore. I don't know. I just don't know. This is... What do we do? Buster says we just have to keep them here

until we can find somewhere else that's safe. Okay. Okay. You keep them safe. I need to go shorefoot hunting. Yes. Man hunt. Man hunt.

Man hunt. What were you getting from the shorefoots? Your soul. You already have that. Yeah, I'm good. But they also have my debt. Buster.

Keaton. Do you have anything that you can help me with this? What do you think could help you? Weapons. Potions. Anything. Resources. you can help me with this. What do you think could help you? Weapons, potions,

anything. Resources. Very low on healing supplies. Another one of me. Someone's sneaky. We have nothing like that. Look, I'll see what sort of health potions we can rustle up. You go into the storeroom with him,

it's pretty much empty. But he's able to rustle up three potions of cure moderate for you. Do you want to know how many I have? Do you want to know how many potions of cure moderate? How many do you have left? I'm going to use the commander's sword to kill you in a beautiful piece of iron. I have nine. Plus three or four, I think.

That hurts. To the other guy. Right. I have not used one. I really wanted to go to the Sabres. I really wanted to try and get them. I haven't used any recently. You also wasted one killing the...

Well, let's move on. Okay. Would anyone know anywhere where the Shorefoots might be? Yeah, yeah, well, let's move on. Okay, okay, okay. Would anyone know anywhere where the Shawfoots might be or like an inkling of like, again, where they are going to roughly maybe hang out? They had a place at the docks. They had the jewelry store and the dry cleaning place,

but the place at the docks obviously is no longer under their control unless they have a secret way to get there the buildings and little tigalai have just been demolished the only other place that they could possibly be is uh they have a place uh like a not a mansion but like a a very nice high-rise apartment that was owned by Papa Shorefoot in Blood Cult territory. What's the address? You probably know not the address, but how to find it. Okay.

I'm going to go to Blood Cultist with me. I'm going to tell... But that's not a place you want to go. It's very heavily defended, and it's unlikely that they're actually operating out of it. Sheet. They'll actually operating out of it. Sheet. They'll be operating out of somewhere. It's one of the, well, of the places that you know, it's literally the last place you

know. Okay. Okay. Just go for it. What I'm going to do. Siege them. So another one of our little Logana guys is just try and be like, look, this might be a long shot, but I want you to go to the sabers and ask them, like, what the fuck they're doing there.

And can they hear the moans coming from? Oh, they're probably stopped by now. Well, do they hear the moans that were coming from the goddamn keep? And that maybe they should be worrying less about the gnomes and more about the dragon. And whatever the fuck that is, I'm going to Bloodtown. I'm going to Bloodtown. You going to Bloodtown You know what this means by the way? You no longer have a bounty on your head Everything's coming up Pierce

Which means everything No one's paying that bounty Everything's coming down Pierce at a certain point I suppose no one knows right now I pretty much just got my shadow And then I'm back to square one Alright I'm gonna to square one. All right.

I'm going to go shorefoot hunting. I want to try and get as much like assassin garb as I can. I want to go full assassin. All right. You pull down your hood and go full assassin. I'm going to tell Flip Sham, good luck. I might be back. Daddy's got to work.

Daddy's got to work. Flex out of a cast that I didn't realise I had She nods and says stay safe I'll try Will Leo ever be safe again? Find out next time on Jaren's Outpost Rumble A D&D's for Nerds Adventure Thanks for listening And if you want to follow us on Twitter adventure. to sanspantsradio.com and you'll find all of our content there. There's heaps. And if you'd like to support us,

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