D&D is For Nerds - Jarren's Outpost #25 Father Maroni

Episode Date: January 6, 2018

In which our heroes wait for Silversteel to give the okay to attack.Join our brand new facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/Check out our upcoming lives shows and purch...ase your tickets right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/Give the gift of Sanspants! https://sanspantsplus.com/give-the-gift-of-sanspants/Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: sanspantsradio@gmail.comTwitter: twitter.com/sanspantsradioWebsite: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Adam: twitter.com/RetroArchetypeJackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadHandsome Tom: twitter.com/AwkwardTreedZammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Sands Pants Radio, and where to grab your tickets. Also, if you're going to RTX Sydney, use the coupon code SANSPANTS for $5 off the weekend pass. Just head to rtxsydney.com and you might see us there. Welcome to Chapter 3 of Jaren's Outpost Rumble, a D&D's for nerds adventure. Previously... I kissed the ring. You're not in the family.
Starting point is 00:00:44 Ah, good. I just, like, salute, I guess. He gets up from behind the desk. You notice now that he was wearing black leathers and dagger bandoliers the entire time? Oh, yeah. Fuck that movie. I love fucking epic, little lo. All right, then. You wanted to speak with someone important.
Starting point is 00:00:59 My name is Governor Tingle-Lot-Bot-Fot-Hop-Throttle. My name is Governor Tingle Lot Bot Fothop Throttle. If this happens, if this man performs surgery on me, you'll regret it. That's all I'm saying. Will I just? You will absolutely regret it. We will take control of the corpses and whatever else he manages to create. And we will take this city, regardless of what some others might believe. Oh sweet, see the one that has my soul?
Starting point is 00:01:27 Yes. He's also the leader. He's got it in a locket around his neck. Can I just grab the locket and teleport? When the soul is completely past you, it starts, because you didn't catch all of it, it starts like slipping out of your mouth. You... like a straw? Begin trying to suck it back in. It's gonna be difficult to approach the gnomes, but we'll do what we can. I mean, if you kill some sabers on the way.
Starting point is 00:01:48 The Lord Commander's carriage explodes. Little Lo's carriage explodes. A halfling with a shock of red hair give a wiry smile and slip down the side alley. I want to try and get as much a halfling with a shock of red hair, give a wiry smile, and slip down the side alley.
Starting point is 00:02:09 I want to try and get as much like Assassin Garb as I can. I want to go full assassin. All right, you pull down your hood and go full assassin. Leo, you're moving through the city on the hunt for the Shorefoots. Where are you heading? Blood Town. Blood Cult Town. And I've sent one of the boys off to find Little Little with the ring Where are you heading, Periwinkle?
Starting point is 00:02:28 We're driving around with Because I don't know any of the information of what you're up to I'm just driving around with this blood cultist Trying to get him to talk While I'm coming up with a second idea Which might just be dumb But Ties in with who I am
Starting point is 00:02:43 So Gotta do it Because literally my motto is I am. Got to do it. Because literally my motto is I'm either going to fight well or die trying. So I think my plan is mostly going to be the second half. I'm excited. I'm angry. They killed my mentor. They kidnapped my wife.
Starting point is 00:02:59 They're bad people, the Shawfoots. Everything's just wrong. Who'd have known they'd be the big bad? Yes, I hate the Shaw foots and yes, I hate the blood cult, but it's really because there's this gun in the gnomish quarter. So, that's the root of all my
Starting point is 00:03:14 problems. Alright then. So I'm just in this carriage with this blood cult as I'm trying to get him to talk. You eventually inflict so much pain on him that he passes out. Little, little shrugs. I don't know what we can do.
Starting point is 00:03:30 Me neither. We can take him to Little Low. Little Low's good at making people talk. We'll regroup with Leo. Where were they supposed to be? Back in the town? Organizing with the temple. Organizing with the temple. We'll go to the temple and find out where they are
Starting point is 00:03:45 can I have told maybe Flip Sham where I'm gonna go just in case she needs to tell someone fair also does old spice merchant boy got anything good on him
Starting point is 00:03:56 you find a coin purse actually you know what fuck it yeah you know what fuck fuck you you shit lord you get nothing You know what Fuck Fuck you You shit lord
Starting point is 00:04:06 You get nothing Nothing You know what Fuck it Hey did we ever He comes awake And kills you Did we ever chase up
Starting point is 00:04:14 On the traitor in Lai Tai You're probably dead by now Yeah I guess I imagine it was The sure footer of Kwa Na Yeah yeah yeah Yeah I just like
Starting point is 00:04:22 Looked out at my notes It was written there I was like oh yeah That was like a problem I think you were the traitor in Lightheart Because you're the traitor everywhere you go piss I'm winning right now You are
Starting point is 00:04:32 No you're still at negative one Yes I'm still at negative one The fact that I've grasped the concept where For a while I was like fighting in this game To like have a happy ending And I've realised that I don't have to the game has changed it's a little sad like i love it when people are still so new to my games that they're like
Starting point is 00:04:53 there's a happy ending i can i was trying to trying to come out the other side where everybody wanted you gotta learn it's not about winning it's not about losing it's about surviving i gotta let off on it a little while sometimes. To keep you guys with hope so that I can dash it. Yeah. You've killed the man who mattered the most to me. I haven't killed your wife. I will.
Starting point is 00:05:14 You fucking better not. She survived. Oh, I hate you so much, Adam. Did your wife survive or did a plant from the shop? Are you really rolling for that? Oh, no, no, no. Imagine. Imagine. Very advanced plastic surgery
Starting point is 00:05:29 to make her look like... Don't worry. You're going to look just like a half-orc. I like that you managed to get rid of the ghost by putting him in the elf and sending the elf away.
Starting point is 00:05:41 I got rid of two of my problems in one go. You find 900 gold pieces. Awesome. You find he has a locket Putting him in the elf and sending the elf away. I got rid of two of my problems in one go. You find 900 gold pieces. Awesome. You find he has a locket. And in the locket is a small masterpiece portrait inlaid with opal. And the locket itself is made of gold. I love how I have all these things and I'm like, I don't actually know what they could do for me.
Starting point is 00:06:01 It's roughly 500 gold pieces. If you want it in brackets, that's how much it's worth. Cool, cool. You got a lock worth 500 gold. That's pretty good. Can I use that to buy anything? Yes, but what would I buy? Nothing.
Starting point is 00:06:13 To what end? What merchant is selling health potion when the city is like this? None of them. How long since we've eaten? Fuck. Eat! Oh, no! You get...
Starting point is 00:06:24 He has a little... On that necklace as well, he has a little on that necklace as well you find a little token of a tree that has a magic when you touch it it warms and you can tell it has a magical aura about it but you're not sure what it is you can write tree token for that one ah cool I want that
Starting point is 00:06:40 yeah it's good to have a tree token actually in brackets can you put 264 please 264, please? 264. Yeah, that's the reference if I ask for it. No worries. Does that turn me into a tree? Is it a good or a bad thing?
Starting point is 00:06:53 Who knows? Could be both. If only you were here, you'd recognize the magic. Essentially. Have a go. Sure. It's a tree token. Oh, and his cloak.
Starting point is 00:07:03 When you're patting that down, you tell that it also has a magical presence about it. Chuck it on, mate. Does Little Little identify what any of these things are too, by the way? Actually, no one. He probably could. He has a chance. He can't tell you what the tree token is, but the cloak, he tells you, is a...
Starting point is 00:07:19 Visibility cloak. Cloak of sneaking around. A cloak of elemental protection. Oh, nice. When you. A cloak of elemental protection. Oh, nice. When you activate a cloak of elemental protection, you gain resistance 10 against a single energy type of your choice. This protection lasts until the start of your next turn. Functions once per day if it's taken off.
Starting point is 00:07:39 So you put it on, and then once a day, you can negate 10 points of damage from a type of energy. So the types of energy are acid, negate 10 points of acid damage. I thought that resist acid. Cold, electricity, fire, or sonic. And what were you trying to say? Sorry. Who knows?
Starting point is 00:07:59 I have that resist energy acid potion. Is the dragon an acid energy? I don't think you've seen it breathe weapons yet Or breathe anything yet You're probably vaguely aware that dragons don't always breathe fire Some do breathe acid Cool I want to see what that breathes weapons
Starting point is 00:08:14 That's great Just a cloud of swords comes out Alright so we're going to head to the temple And find out what's going on You arrive at the temple And you see a burnt out carriage husk out the front. This is not good. Little Little catches sight of it and he catches sight of all the bodies being,
Starting point is 00:08:33 the charred bodies being moved away and you hear him start muttering, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Before the carriage is properly pulled up, he climbs out and runs towards the charred husk. I just let him go. He needs to do this. He grabs one of the acolytes, and you see, but don't hear the conversation.
Starting point is 00:08:57 He talks with the acolyte. The acolyte shakes his head slowly and says something in return. Little Little falls to his feet, puts his hands up to the sky, and wails, no! Well, I have a pretty good understanding of what that means, I assume. Little Little collapses, and you just see him sobbing. I get out of the carriage, and I go over to comfort him, but I'm also looking for you.
Starting point is 00:09:22 You don't spot Leo anywhere. Okay. Do I just flip sham? Flip sham is probably among the wreckage. She's helping supervise taking the bodies of gnomes below. She looks at you, her eyes go a little wide with surprise, and she hurries over. Periwinkle, what are you doing here? What happened here? There was a... She jerks her head towards the charred husk. There was a she like jerks her head towards the charred husk. There was a explosion. Same thing happened
Starting point is 00:09:49 at the town guard. They killed Commander Torton. She gasps. So I'm the captain now. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. I had this idea at one point that if Commander Torton wouldn't snap out of it, I was going to have to do a
Starting point is 00:10:04 I'm the Captain Now moment. It didn't happen, so that's okay. You still can. Yeah, he's dead, though. Maybe I go back to the town guard. They're all in disarray and just slap a couple of them. Look at me. Look at me.
Starting point is 00:10:16 I'm the Captain Now. Anyway, what a good tangent that was. So I ask her, where's Leo? He went to find someone in the blood cult, I think. No, he went to the blood cult section. He's looking for the Shorefoots. They have some place there. I don't even realize it, but all of a sudden my hand's just real tight around my sword.
Starting point is 00:10:38 It goes warm. Shorefoots, eh? Blood cults, eh? Let's go to war. What happened to you? Are you okay? I'm fine. She starts like looking you up and down concernedly.
Starting point is 00:10:54 Concernedly? I'm okay. I'm too big. I wasn't near the explosion. I was dealing with other things at the time. I'm so sorry about the commander. I knew you were close. Yes, we were close.
Starting point is 00:11:07 I don't do emotion good. All right. So how long ago did Leo leave? Maybe an hour. You might have passed him on the street and not even known. Great. All right. Well, my plan was to try and
Starting point is 00:11:25 Flip Sham, is there any way you know of any secret passages? I don't know the sewer as well What's my relationship like with the gnomish people right now? Where do I sit in their feelings? Probably not very well You were in the, well I don't want to say assault, but you were certainly last night present and very it's hard not to, just as to your B-suit, it's hard not to know it's you. Fair enough. But if I went to them as
Starting point is 00:11:56 the new captain of the town guard, the new town guard that's different from the old town guard. If you speak with Erky, perhaps he might not shoot you, but I don't know. I doubt he'd let you in. But the sabers might attack as well. That's fine. Look, I'm not going to do anything stupid.
Starting point is 00:12:17 That's a lie. I hope not. Is it? Yes. I'm definitely doing something stupid. She believes you. You're surprisingly good at lying when you want to be. Yeah, I know.
Starting point is 00:12:28 Well, I'm going to go find Leo in the blood cult and we'll navigate it together. I have a pretty handy resource in the carriage. How good are you at, like, is Keaton here? Yes, he is. Has Keaton got any restorative potions on him? No, Leo took the last of them Can Keaton do any restoring himself? I could go ask
Starting point is 00:12:49 She hurries over, grabs Keaton and brings him over Keaton says, I'm so sorry She told me about the commander It's okay, he He hugs you Oh, I don't know what to do but I can't MMOK I can take you home if you want. I can't go home yet.
Starting point is 00:13:08 I'm not finished this yet. I'm glad I saw you, though. Your wife, well, she'd like to know that you're okay. I'll let her know the next chance I get. Tell her I'm okay and tell her I'm doing what I promised I would. Hopefully less of the second part. He smiles. But what you can do for me is I need someone who requires urgent medical attention in the back of his car.
Starting point is 00:13:28 Of course. Of course. He rushes over. Now, before you do this, Father, is you need to understand that my job, and you know about my job, I've come to confession several times, is grey. I am now possibly the last person who could now lead the town guard and we're now in a bit more of a grey area than we were. Once you heal this guy and once you see who he is and heal him you need to just get out of the carriage and just go and help all the other people who need more help. He gives you a
Starting point is 00:13:59 very stern look. Also, how do you feel about blood cultists? Would Father Keaton assume this guy, know this guy's a blood cultist? He might. It's like not a very big secret. Okay, well, that's good then. So he probably wouldn't care who it is. Well, he won't.
Starting point is 00:14:14 All right. So Keaton obviously, you know, doesn't care about this man, but. He cares about the. If you start torturing him, Keaton's going to raise a fuss. Oh, you know, I'm not going to torture him. I'm literally going to use him to help us find Leo in the Blood Cult City. Keaton, standing in the carriage doorway, looks at him and looks back at you with that very stern expression.
Starting point is 00:14:35 It looks like he's penetrating you with his eyes. Like he sees every facet of you. If I heal this man, are you going to hurt him? He might get hurt later. That's unacceptable. There are better ways to do this. All right, then. Pick him up, bring him into the chapel.
Starting point is 00:14:57 Fuck. Before you do that, is there any way that I can then swear that I won't hurt him at all? I tell you what. Perhaps, well, a man can be compelled in many different ways. He can be compelled by force or he could be compelled simply by his own morals. But there are magical ways to compel someone. Do you know how to do that?
Starting point is 00:15:24 I don't, but I know someone who can. Yes, please. Who can do that? The chief priestess. She knows a spell, a powerful spell. The spell is known as Zone of Truth. All right. Hey.
Starting point is 00:15:36 You're old, mate, Greg. Love a bit of Zone of Truth. Bring it on. Let's do that. Carry him. I can't. Okay. With one arm, you lift Lane and chuck him over your shoulder.
Starting point is 00:15:50 You bring him into the small chapel, and in the small chapel, praying, perhaps for peace, the chief priestess is kneeling at an altar. She gets up and turns to you. What is going on? I need this man healed, and I need you to put him in a zone of truth. Keaton explains. Yeah. Lay him on the table. Thud. She runs a hand gently over him and channels healing energy into him. His wounds don't completely close, but he's healed enough that he becomes conscious.
Starting point is 00:16:24 His eyes flutter open. What? What? Hold him down. Bang. I'm very glad to do that. She casts Zone of Truth. She calls upon the energy of her god and goddess to compel everyone within a circle around her to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Starting point is 00:16:45 Am I technically in that circle now? Yes, everyone is. Damn. You are... Oh, no, you resist. You can lie if you wish. I've been spending enough time with you two. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:16:58 It's like... I hold the man down and... Ask him your questions. What, are you going to say something? Remember, Periwinkle, if you're ever in a zone of truth, this is what you must do. I like to imagine this happened. Yeah, just like...
Starting point is 00:17:10 It's the kind of thing where it's like... It's like a flashback, we're having a quiet dinner, this is what you do. It's the kind of thing where someone's like, this is how to beat the light. It's like, all right, I want to have a zone of truth. Just get a little pin, stab yourself in the fire when they cast it.
Starting point is 00:17:20 It tricks the whole machine. Exactly. It tricks the machine. The spell, the spell doesn't know what's going on It can't differentiate between the pain you're feeling and a lie It's like a flashback to the very first dinner Remember when you invited Greg Pierce into your home? Well, piss you, good for something
Starting point is 00:17:37 I don't mean anything by that The two of us just like swapping Is that your dog? I don't know First of all, I need to know if there's a way, does the blood cult have a way of getting into the gnomish quarter? Biddlecough spits out the response. No.
Starting point is 00:17:57 Right. But gnomes sealed the entrance we used last night. What about the Shorefoot's entrance into the Gnomish territory? I don't know. Do you know how to get into Papa Shorefoot's apartment in the Blood Cult District? Yes. Good. You're going to take us there.
Starting point is 00:18:22 Clara looks up at you and says, He can take you there, or maybe he'll take you there, but he won't be in the zone of truth when it happens. Alright then. Maybe she says it but doesn't fuck up on her words. Yeah, yeah. Hey Keaton, pen and paper please. Keaton fetches you a pen and paper. Alright. Keaton, I'd like you to dictate for me. Hey blood culty boy Biddlecough
Starting point is 00:18:47 First of all, I just need you to say it for everybody How high up are you in the blood cult? Second In command Get the list of all the blood cultists So what I wanted, two things Instructions on how to secretly get through the blood cult to get to the apartment.
Starting point is 00:19:07 And just the name of some prominent blood cultists, if you wouldn't mind. That'll be your second job as leader of the town, Garth. Ralph Maloney is our leader. Okay, then. Ralph Maloney is the leader. Okay, then. Ralph Maloney is the second in command that the commander gave his orders to. How did I not know that? I'm just angry as shit right now.
Starting point is 00:19:40 All right, now I want the instructions on how to get in. I assume he dictates that to us. Yeah, he feeds you that information Great, I take that off And just for fun, while he's in the zone of truth Hey Biddlecough, do you have a small dick? He looks up at you and smiles No
Starting point is 00:19:59 Oh, wow That's a shame Hey Biddlecough, what about that child's sex ring Oh, wow. That's a shame. Hey, Biddlecough, what about that child sex ring that you've been rumoured to run? Is that a thing? Highs or lows? Lows. Yes!
Starting point is 00:20:18 Yay! I assume now the church would be furious about that, right? I mean, like, they weren't happy with him. He leads a blood cult. All right. I'm done with him. You can... Clara leans over him, punches him once in the face,
Starting point is 00:20:36 giving him a blood nose and knocking him out. Fuck yes. All right. Keaton, you can come with us, but I don't think you'd want to. You're probably better used here. I think I'm better used with you. All right, then. Actually, no, you know what?
Starting point is 00:20:53 You probably fucking are. All right, Keaton, you come with me. Clara, I'm trying to bring peace. It's just taking a little more punching than I thought. Keaton, he's right. You're better needed here. You're the true spiritual guide of I thought. He's right. You're better needed here. You're the true spiritual guide of this church. I'm coming with you.
Starting point is 00:21:11 Yes! Oh, yeah! Got Clara on side! All right. We are going to bring holy wrath down upon these people. Yes, we are. Yes, we are. We needed someone to join the fight. I'm so glad it's the church
Starting point is 00:21:25 I kind of want to send a message to the town guard To say that I'm taking control of the town guards I'll come with We're going there now We're going to usurp Moroni You're taking control Then we go on to the blood cult Sounds good
Starting point is 00:21:42 Is there a way to get a message to Leo? I am elbow deep in short foot right now. It's fine. Elbow deep in short foot. I'm just stabbing them good. I can get a word out to my people and perhaps they can speak to someone, or perhaps they can find him, but I don't know.
Starting point is 00:22:00 We'll head off, we'll go there, and then we'll head to the blood cults. We'll go to the apartment because we know that's where Papa Shorefoot is. Ave Maria. And then Papa Shorefoot is going to tell us how he got inside the gnomish quarter. I'm going to break that weapon. Good. All right.
Starting point is 00:22:19 Let's go. Pierce, where did we leave you? I was lying on my back on the top of a roof having a rest. You have your little rest? Yep. Can I count that as a rest rest? Yeah, sure. That's fine.
Starting point is 00:22:28 That's what I wanted to do. It's like coming on night now for everyone. Right. Well, my basic plan really is wait until Eaton decides he's going to let loose his dogs of war, as it were. Let loose the undead. Chuck on a crystal. Sort it out. Till then, there's not really much I want to do.
Starting point is 00:22:51 Is there a pub nearby? Yep. Might nip him for a pint. How's it going? Oh my god. Guys. I hope someone catches you. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:23:06 Disguise self, you dickhead You walk into He's got no lips and he's bald remember Yeah I've made myself look less like this You walk into the thin blue line One of the most town guard friendly bars Yeah You're not even thinking You walk in
Starting point is 00:23:21 Everyone looks around at you And perhaps you're actually standing next to the wanted poster of yourself. Yeah, right. Everyone stands up. Oh, right. Yeah, bad choice of bar. I've only got one teleport left, which is a shame. What's the range of confusion?
Starting point is 00:23:49 15 foot circle. You can't even begin to get the entire bar. What'd I get, like? You could get, like, maybe five people at most. No, actually a lot more than that. Maybe, like, ten, eight. Yeah, whatever, I'll use it. Fucked up.
Starting point is 00:24:03 Shit. Cast the spell. Fucked up. Shit. Cast the spell. See what happens. Might take out some of the town guard anyway. That's good. I'll kill you for that. There's a lot you're gonna kill me for. True. I still think the bounty's on him.
Starting point is 00:24:20 Yeah, I know it's not. Don't tell me. I won't. Good. Because it's still business. Well, no, now it's personal. No, it's not. Yeah. Don't tell me. I won't. Good. Because it's still business. Well, no, now it's personal. No, it's still business for me. True. You affect those eight to ten people. Cool.
Starting point is 00:24:32 I'll say ten. Right here. You see the effects of confusion wash over their face as a bunch of different expressions occur all at once. But then their faces return to a normal expression. One of the things of confusion, because it's percentiles, there's a chance that they just act normally. That's what they're doing for this round. That's a shame.
Starting point is 00:24:53 Every god in this tavern bum-rushes you. Oh, you healed seven hit points since last time. Cool. You know I've done so much of this without a weapon. Yeah, you healed seven hit points since last time. Cool. You know I've done so much of this without a weapon. Yeah, you broke your sword. And I have your loot. I've not had a weapon for them.
Starting point is 00:25:14 That's been ripped to shreds. Yeah, the vast majority has been weaponless. Four guards get to you and attack. You know what I should have done? Readied my actions so that when they all charged me, I teleported out of there and they slammed into each other. That would have been funny. Oh, shit. Uh-oh.
Starting point is 00:25:34 Critical something. Good for bad for piss. Critical piss. Critical piss. Critical piss. Critical piss. When you're critical piss You have one wish
Starting point is 00:25:48 And that's to be Not critical piss Alright, one of the guards hits you with his billy club You take four points of damage Critical piss Another guard Oh, fumble Fucks up like a dickhead
Starting point is 00:26:05 Shines bright like a diamond Fucks up like a dickhead Fucks up like a dickhead When he swings, you jump backwards And he overextends himself Making himself flat-footed for one round Cool Then it is your turn
Starting point is 00:26:20 Do I think that running is even an option Or am I going to incur so many attacks of op that i'll basically be just like blood and skin when i get out the door you could certainly try yeah fuck it i got like 20 health tokens yeah uh one of them will get an attack of that's fine leg it for the door you run back you cop another billy club straight to the face You take four points of damage again Got me good Got me good No, no I didn't
Starting point is 00:26:51 I'm about to get you good You burst out of the tavern into the street outside And you feel weird You feel sick Like you're gonna throw up You slow down and you stop running The guards barrel out of the tavern behind you and start forming a rough semi-circle around you trying to surround you
Starting point is 00:27:10 you try to move your arms and legs but they feel so sluggish you think you're like have i been poisoned is this disease what's happening to me you fall down onto all fours and vomit. You vomit heavily. What is that? You vomit until there's nothing but bile. None of the guards approach you. Some of them are just like, Jesus Christ, piss. What the fuck is wrong with you?
Starting point is 00:27:36 Everything. I hope this is the rat bite. All you can think about is like, what is wrong with me? What have I done recently? Your two hands are like there, covered in fucking like just the bile and vomit and you bring one of your hands away shake it and you notice it's hairy oh very very hairy come on now your nails begin to grow at an extremely rapid rate. You look up and you see
Starting point is 00:28:05 the two moons slowly rising from the horizon. One of them full, the other one half. When you look at the full moon, you feel ah, ah, something's happening to you.
Starting point is 00:28:22 Oh, wow. Do I feel like I'm losing? Blackout. Okay, there it is. Oh, my God. That is such a good fucking payoff. Greg Pierce, the were-rat. Shane left his fucking mark on me. So do you just roll that continuously throughout there?
Starting point is 00:28:38 I could just do roughly 20 city guard versus a were-rat and actually roll it out to see how that happens, but that's a lot of rolling. Sorry, what I meant to get him to versus a were-rat and actually roll it out to see how that happens. But that's a lot of rolling. I know. So what I meant to get him to become a were-rat, do you just roll every time it's his turn or every day? No, it's every time he got bit by Shane, I rolled to see whether or not he resisted the disease. If he fails the disease roll, then at the next full moon, he turns into a were-rat. He failed one of the disease rolls in the sewer, didn't he?
Starting point is 00:29:04 No, actually. I think it was at the book. Oh, wow turns into a were-rat. He failed one of the disease rolls in the sewer, didn't he? No, actually. I think it was at the book. Oh, wow. Like, first thing. Yeah. I think it was the second roll he failed. There you go. And it's just not been a full moon since then.
Starting point is 00:29:16 I love it. Yeah, so the way it works is, well, you really should have gotten checked. Like, yeah. If you do it immediately. Greg Piss doesn't get checked if you do it i think within 24 hours it's not a big deal any cleric can help you within a week it's like kind of a big deal and a powerful cleric is required you would have needed buster or um clara within a oh sorry after you turn,
Starting point is 00:29:45 damn near impossible to cure you. That's fine. Not only do you need a high-powered cleric, but the high-powered cleric must have, like, a certain set of ingredients and send you on a quest to get something. Well, look, being aware of that's not too big a deal. What, once every...
Starting point is 00:30:02 How often does a full moon happen? Depends. Like, roughly every 30 days. Yeah, well, that's often does a full moon happen? Depends. Roughly every 30 days. But sometimes more or less, depending on a lot of different factors. Sometimes you can get a couple full moons in a row. Cool. Cool. Alright. If anything, it's probably good.
Starting point is 00:30:17 Really? To be honest. I'd say it works in my favour. Alright then. So, what are you two doing in the night? You're just going after shorefoots? Yes. Highs or lows? Highs.
Starting point is 00:30:31 I've made a beeline straight to the Blood Cult town, and I'm just being like anything with redhead. I'm just trying to assassinate. So you've killed some Weasleys. Yes. And an aerial. And an aerial. And an aerial. When all is said and done, you've found and killed 14 operators for the Surefoots, people you know are heavies, muscles.
Starting point is 00:30:54 You maybe even find a member of the Surefoot family, like a distant relation, a cousin or something like that, just walking down a street. You recognize him. You're like, fuck you. When he passes an alley, you chuck a rock. He goes to investigate. You come up behind him, grab him from behind, jam a dagger into the base of his spine. Yep.
Starting point is 00:31:14 He jerks once, tries to cry out. You whisper for Papa Littolo. Stab him in the base of his neck. I would have gone for Papa Littolo sends his regards. Yeah. Papa Litt base of his neck. I would have gone for Papa Little O sends his regards. Yeah. Papa Little O sends his regards. Another one is maybe like a high-level made man within the Shorefoots. He's like round behind a tavern taking a piss.
Starting point is 00:31:37 You creep up behind him with a garrotte, wrap it around his neck, turn around, and you're kneeling, holding the garrote over your shoulder as he is stretched out over your back, jerking. He dies with his cock in his hands. Piss flailing everywhere. Awesome. Do I get any information as well? You kill another 32 just red-headed halflings.
Starting point is 00:32:05 You're a one-man warpath. Wow, you're scarier than me. You get no information, though. Ah, fair. I just keep working my way to that apartment block. Meanwhile, you, at a more steady pace... We've got a way to get through. Oh, do I get any, like... Also, you're not stopping to kill people.
Starting point is 00:32:20 Sorry? No, no, no. I want to collect as many knives and daggers and swords that I can just be utilizing when I finally throw out knives and everything. We don't need a number. You just get a bunch. Yes. Nebulously, you have knives and daggers. Good.
Starting point is 00:32:33 Highs or lows? Highs. Highs. And Leo, you spot a little low carriage. It's got the characteristic black marking Probably even maybe recognize the driver on the carriage Trundling towards where you're going Alright, well then I kind of
Starting point is 00:32:54 Not quickly, but quietly make my way towards the carriage Alright, do you want to stop the driver or just hop on as it's passing? I'll just hop on You and Clara both hear a telltale thump of something jumping onto the back of the carriage. Silver steel, yeah? Yeah. I get that sword ready.
Starting point is 00:33:14 Silver steel is ice cold in your hands. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Clara has drawn a morning star. It's like a mace I tell Clara that When I was going to kill the blood cult guy The sword got hot
Starting point is 00:33:31 Because he was evil I just pulled it out to stab the roof of the carriage To where the person just landed It's real cold Whose is that? This is the commander's he gave it to me before I died Silver steel I know the sword
Starting point is 00:33:43 It warms in the presence of righteous vengeance. That's mad. So this is less righteous vengeance and more just stemming someone to a carriage. Perhaps the sword is informing you that you don't have beef with whoever that is. Do you have someone who maybe wishes to speak with you subtly but is not an enemy
Starting point is 00:34:05 Leo I'd have opened the door Yeah by this time Leo has opened the door I'm sitting down next to you Thanks I got it from the commander He's dead I just want to drop a bunch of red headed locks at his feet
Starting point is 00:34:22 Got a few Nice We're going to the apartment block We know how to get in I just want to drop a bunch of red-headed locks at his feet. Got a few. Nice. Really nice. We're going to the apartment block. So we know how to get in because we may have not tortured, ethically tortured a blood cultist. Oh, cool, cool. You felt my pain, Clara said, emotionlessly.
Starting point is 00:34:39 They killed Puppet. Yeah, they killed Puppet. You've been there. We saw that. Little Little's not with us, I don't assume. No, Little Little is too distraught He's got nothing
Starting point is 00:34:48 Did he get the ring back? I assume so, I don't know, I left him there The runner had left when the runner finds him I sent a runner, anyway I'm sorry for your loss too It's okay, we're getting revenge Clara looks between the two of you
Starting point is 00:35:03 as you have an awkward, I'm sorry your father figure died. I'm sorry your father figure died. He was a good man. It's sad when a father figure passes before a son figure. Before an adopted son. We don't talk about our emotions and we just become like, nah, nah, it's fine.
Starting point is 00:35:22 We're meant toxic masculinity. It's alright for boys to cry. No, we just kill. Half-orcs don't actually have tear ducts, so even if it were true, I can't. But don't worry, it's fine. After this, we'll get revenge. Speaking of revenge,
Starting point is 00:35:40 I have a plan. It's a terrible idea. Okay, my plan was just to kill, but go on. No, we can do that. But also I'd like to get one of the Shorefoots to lead us to their secret entrance to the gnomes and then destroy the gun. Sure. Good. The church and I, I'm now the town guard.
Starting point is 00:35:57 Congratulations. Ralph Maroney, town guard guy. Blood cultist. So we're going to... You arrive at the headquarters to the town guard. It's still pandemonium. The line remains. Hey! That's good. I guess we walk in
Starting point is 00:36:14 and then we're gonna, after this, after we get this, we're gonna try to get some people together then we're gonna go into the blood cult. The chief priestess stays by the door. She says, if you need me, call for me. But I'll make sure that Moroni doesn't get out. Hey, you're the Newtown guard, yeah?
Starting point is 00:36:29 Can I join? Can you deputise this boy? Leo Shadow, I deputise you to the town guard. We're not really a guard anymore. We're more like a people's militia. I'm the sheriff. Constable Shadow.
Starting point is 00:36:44 We're like US Marshals Yes Alright So we walk in We've got instructions To the blood cult So once we get this sorted We'll see if we can get
Starting point is 00:36:54 Some guys together And then we'll We'll storm the blood cult Get these guys to To basically continue Out the plan Which I wanted them To go talk to the gnomes
Starting point is 00:37:01 About why they haven't left yet Now they've fixed the gun Or where the urky timbers Would be open to speaking With the captain of the town guard, which is me. Apparently, according to Flipsham, I'm not the most popular person in that town. Anyway, we go in. Is Moroni nearby? No.
Starting point is 00:37:17 Do you ask? Yeah. Where's Ralph? Someone points up to the glass panes that overlook the lower level. You see Moroni standing in the commander's office. Right. He's like looking down, surveying all of you. He's got like a smile on his face.
Starting point is 00:37:34 I'd like to speak with him about some urgent business that the commander was getting us to do before everything happened. Yeah, of course. Well, you know, you're welcome here. Go up and talk to him. All right, let's go.. Alright, let's go. Alright, let's go. Can we bring Clara and zone a truth in? Well, if you want.
Starting point is 00:37:50 She's standing by the door. If you want to just go grab her. Maybe she explains that like, oh, in case he makes a runner or something like that, she says. I might leave her there and we'll bring Moroni to you. And then when we get him there, you're going to zone a truth in. Okay, there'll be a lot of...
Starting point is 00:38:05 It's going to be very public. Is that what you want? Yeah, yeah. If it goes poorly, then it'll be very public. Yep. Alright. Two nods. Good. I'm happy to work with the town guard. Good. I walk up and try to tell...
Starting point is 00:38:23 Just walk into Maroney's office. You spot Saturday and I think Tuesday were in the infirmary. Yeah. They're both good now. Yay. Hey, friends. Plus like everyone else from your group. Colin, Goggles.
Starting point is 00:38:37 Goggles, yeah. They're all here. Sunday or the other Thursday. Boys are back in town. Boys are back in town. They all nod to you as you pass. I stop at Colin because he's like my go-to Colin.
Starting point is 00:38:50 I'm going to need you and the boys help with something in about the next 30 seconds. It's going to be weird and you're probably going to think I've lost my mind, but have I ever given you reason to doubt me before? Colin folds his arms, shakes his head and says,
Starting point is 00:39:06 Nah, you're in charge. Good. Got my sword. It warms. Oh, yeah, boy. Righteous just vengeance is on its way. I still, I march into Marnie's office. Ralph.
Starting point is 00:39:21 He doesn't look at you. He's still just gazing out the window. Yes. Ralph. Yes. Look at you, he's still just gazing out the window Yes? Ralph Yes Look at me please He turns around slowly Does he say I've got the sword?
Starting point is 00:39:32 Yeah Can I say it? You should see your sword in the presence of the captain of the town guard Can I say it? Please You can say it You're under arrest Excuse me?
Starting point is 00:39:45 Under what charges? I don't know. Is leader of a blood cult one good enough for you? No, no, no. Treason, murder. Oh, so many. Child sex ring. Child sex ring.
Starting point is 00:39:57 I don't think that's true. That's funny. I've got a guy. You might know of him. Bittlecoff has a surprisingly large dick, runs a child sex ring. He's the second, he's the two I see, and apparently you're the big bad. A sour expression passes over Moroni's face, but it leaves immediately. We're going to take the word of a blood cultist over the word of the captain of the town guard.
Starting point is 00:40:22 I hold the sword up. This is a very serious accusation you're making. I hold the sword up, and I'm assuming it's getting real hot. It's fucking burning. Oh, no, no. Not hurting, burning. No, no. He's standing in front of the window still, yeah?
Starting point is 00:40:34 Yeah. Cool, good. Oh, no, Moroni. You're wrong. I'm the captain now. I rush him, trying to throw ourselves both out the window. Fuck yeah. Moroni
Starting point is 00:40:50 is not expecting that. So he doesn't offer any resistance. You just tackle him bodily. Bang. Both of you fly through the glass window. And I'm assuming as soon as we hit the ground,
Starting point is 00:41:06 I yell, as I'm going out, I just scream to my men to grab him. Or does Leo? Leo can do that, I guess. Yeah, I'll jump out the window. You might take that, like, they're taking damage. If you jump out, you're taking damage. That's all right.
Starting point is 00:41:19 You can run down the stairs if you want. No, it's cool. Okay. It's all about cool. You got to be cool. I'm an assassin. I got to jump from these Okay. It's all about cool. You gotta be cool. I'm an assassin. I gotta jump from these heights. Exactly.
Starting point is 00:41:27 Fucking machines. All right. Moroni, you, Periwinkle, and you, Leo, all take four points of damage. That's all right. Machines. Pin me to the ground, get the other guards who I've worded up.
Starting point is 00:41:42 Well, no, maybe not pin me to the ground, but I get the other guards to surround us because I said that's what I wanted to do. And I call to Clara now. Truth, bitch. Zone of. Comma zone of. Clara goes first.
Starting point is 00:42:01 She casts zone of truth in the area. Leo, you resist. Periwinkle, this time you're too distracted. Yeah, that's right. I'm in the zone. That's fine. And Moroni, you see, is struggling with it. She commands,
Starting point is 00:42:18 Foul beast, servant of the cult, name yourself. Does he name himself? Leo, you hop down, taking that four points of damage. servant of the cult, name yourself. Does he name himself? Leo, you hop down, taking that four points of damage. Moroni spits out into your face. Yes! Yes, I am! Periwinkle.
Starting point is 00:42:37 What do you want to do? You got him kind of pinned to the ground. You can try to roll him over and cuff him. I could cuff him or I could just stab him in the face. Not with the sword. In this close combat, unfortunately. I could punch him with my hands. The sword, silver steel, is in between you two, pressed up between your chests.
Starting point is 00:42:56 You can feel it white hot. You're surprised it isn't actually white from just heat. And you can tell wherever it touches Moroni, it burns him. Oh, so good. That's mad. Actually, you know what? You deal nine points of damage to Moroni. Fuck.
Starting point is 00:43:12 I guess, yeah, I'm going to arrest him. Nice. All right. You roll him over and try to cuff him. Your buddies all come over and they're trying to help. Clara just continues to stand there. Leo. I'm going to help try and cuff him.
Starting point is 00:43:25 This is my first crew I've got. He's great. All of you press down on him. He begins to soften as if he's deflating. Uh-oh. What the fuck? From every orifice, from in between, from his nails, from his mouth, from his eyes, from his ears, from any orifice pores on his skin he begins to bleed he's slowly deflating
Starting point is 00:43:48 but the blood begins to coalesce into vines into forms shapes which begin to collect together he starts to wrap around you you see his face stretching away from his body. His eyes turn blood red as he begins to cry blood and he says, I am more than a man. My God is with me. Like his head twists
Starting point is 00:44:17 around like it's on a pivot to look at Clara. Can you say the same? Uh oh. One tentacle attacks everyone on him. Oh, great. Nightmare. Oh, boy. Leo, a tentacle wraps around your neck and begins to choke you.
Starting point is 00:44:36 This is what I usually do. You take eight points of damage. Oh, boy. How does that tree token come in handy now? Does it? Does it? Would it help me in this situation at all? You don't know what it does.
Starting point is 00:44:51 Who knows? Just activate it. See what happens. Not done yet. I just hope a tree just appears where he is and it obliterates him. Maybe. Periwinkle. One wraps around one of your arms and yanks painfully on it.
Starting point is 00:45:04 You feel it dislocate and you take seven points of damage. Pop that bitch back in. Just a grimace. Just a wince. That's all it takes for you to pop that back in. Not even a noise. I just cough and it goes back in. Like it's scared.
Starting point is 00:45:23 It tries to wrap around Monday, but Monday cries out in surprise, rolls away. Same for Colin. Colin gets got. Wait, do you mean same for Colin, but Goggles gets got? No, Colin gets got. Oh, he's my man. Colin gets got. It wraps around his head and then jams itself
Starting point is 00:45:40 into his eye. He begins screaming and he starts going pale. No. What are you doing to my man? You can see like... Oh no! It's eating him! He's drinking his blood! If there was a time for you to use divine power
Starting point is 00:45:55 it would be literally right now. Goggles get speared through the chest. Shit! Your boys! They were just back in town! They're out of town yet again. Boys are back in town. Oh, my God.
Starting point is 00:46:16 Goggles get speared, lifted into the air and thrown like a ragdoll. Should have seen this coming, actually. Probably shouldn't have tackled a really powerful wizard. We didn't know he was a blood lord. Yeah, that's true.
Starting point is 00:46:30 Tuesday brings his two bracers up to his chest, so when it tries to spear him, it just knocks him clear across the room. Ooh. When it tries to attack Wednesday... It fucks up good.
Starting point is 00:46:46 Yeah, could say that. Critically, you might say. Wednesday rocks backwards, pulls up his light crossbow from nowhere... He is a sniper. ...and fires a bolt into Moroni's head. It blasts through him. The creature rides and screams. It does not threaten any squares for six turns.
Starting point is 00:47:06 That means for six turns you move freely. No attacks involved. You can just wail on it. Yes! You can move however you want. But it's not out of the fight. Not even by a little bit. It actually doesn't even stop attacking. It attacks Saturday as well. Damn. But this means that we could get
Starting point is 00:47:21 maneuver away. Or like, you know, we can... Oh, no. So, I have a rule. Yeah? If you roll a 20, it's a critical hit, but you need to roll again to confirm that it's a critical hit. Yep.
Starting point is 00:47:34 If you roll again and get another 20, then that confirms a critical hit, but I roll a third time. This is a home rule. And if I get two 20s in a row, I roll a third time. And if I get a 20 three times in a row, it's not a critical hit, but I roll a third time. This is a home rule. And if I get two 20s in a row, I roll a third time. And if I get a 20 three times in a row, it's not a critical hit. You just kill them. What just happened, Adam?
Starting point is 00:47:52 For Saturday, I rolled a 20 and 18 and that confirms a critical hit. Oh my god. You bastard. You bastard. You had me so scared. Do you have anything that can make things on fire?
Starting point is 00:48:09 It's got bless. A pile of bless. Flatfoot. Double damage and one dex damage, and the target's speed is reduced by five feet until healed. It wraps around Saturday's foot and then moves in the wrong direction. Saturday's leg snaps backwards. Oh.
Starting point is 00:48:31 I want to keep ending up with these situations. Oh, dear. Poor Saturday. It breaks Saturday's leg off. Oh, jeez. At least he's alive. Saturday falls and does not get up. Hey, Clara, again, divine power.
Starting point is 00:48:50 Would be good now. Periwinkle, it's your turn. So anyhow, we could set the entire town guard quarters on fire. You probably don't want to do that. Okay, no, probably not. I'm not sure whether to use my stingers or can I silver steal him now? You can attack with silver steal if you want. It's a new option.
Starting point is 00:49:03 I'm now further away from him. Yeah, you can roll off him and attack with silver steal if you want. It's a new option. I'm now further away from him. Yeah, you can roll off him and attack with silver steal. You're not really grappling. I'm just going to silver steal the absolute bejesus out of him. Burning righteous fury. I should use the tree token. I want to see what it did. What is it?
Starting point is 00:49:16 I don't know. You slash, and as you cut through Moroni, or the blood creature that is Moroni, you burn away. It's like you're cauterizing as you're going. Silver steel acts like a lightsaber, cutting as if Moroni doesn't have armor and just isn't there. Silver steel's the best.
Starting point is 00:49:37 I should have used it to torture the guy because it would have cauterized all his wounds. You could cut off his arms and legs. Hey, don't give me any ideas, piss. I'm all rat right now, so. Oh, that's true. Hey, is this sword made of silver?
Starting point is 00:49:51 Yeah. Good. Vanquish the were-piss. You deal 20 plus 12. You deal 32 points of damage to the creature. The guards redouble their efforts
Starting point is 00:50:06 and any guards that weren't participating before begin to participate now Good Monday Also the rest of the guard there because now I'm the captain We're the lords and ladies, let them get in on it I think they got blown up
Starting point is 00:50:22 No, the civilians should swarm the blood creature. Stay out of our town. Get out of here, blood creature. We don't want no blood creatures in our town. A hail of bolts fly at it and a bunch of the guards barrel in to attack. But they're not doing a great job. They do, in total, between all the guards, six points of damage. A lot of them are just scared to approach it.
Starting point is 00:50:48 Fair. It is this gross blood thing. A flailing, flat skin, man. So glad we had Clara Liveris instead of Keaton. I'm also glad I didn't tell them both to stay behind. Like an idiot. When Adam ever offers you a cleric You take that cleric
Starting point is 00:51:06 You take that cleric and you run Today I have learnt To take the cleric and run And also that this game will not have a happy ending And that I need to embrace that in order to win Yes That's how it goes down If you cannot die, that's pretty much a win
Starting point is 00:51:21 Survival, that's all it takes Clara reaches a hand up, holding her holy symbol, and calls for the fires of Penia to imbibe her and the strength of gnomes to shore her. She grows physically in size until she's about as big as a standing horse. That's amazing. A halo of flame appears around her head.
Starting point is 00:51:47 This is amazing. Her eyes glow pure white. And when she opens her mouth, a holy light shines out of it. Holding her now extra large mace, she takes one step forward and swings at the creature that she is about as big as. I guess her god is with her. Yeah, both of them. She strikes it twice. Dealing 12 damage in the first blow
Starting point is 00:52:13 and 8 damage in the second, so 20 in total. Super Steel's really good. Then it is Leo's turn. Right. Now, to apply a vial of blessed oil onto a blade What is that? Action That's an action
Starting point is 00:52:28 Provokes attacks of opportunity normally, but not today Can I still let them attack? No, you can't, unfortunately Would a blessed oil dagger do more damage to something like the Blood Lord? You have no idea what this thing is So a blessed dagger tends to do more damage Oh wait, what dagger? Just one of your regular ones?
Starting point is 00:52:47 If you put it on your magic ones, it actually won't affect the magic ones. They're more powerful than what the blessing is. Alright, then I'm just going to get into position, so I'm flanking. And then just... You can get it flat-footed, but you can't get sneak attacks, because
Starting point is 00:53:03 what are you hitting? Well, exactly. So get into it as I'm flanking, at least, with some other people. Where's Feefhead? Never mind. I'll just stab with both of them. And you activate my poise, then add my thunder. Just stabby, stabby, stab, stab. Prison.
Starting point is 00:53:16 First time you've activated Venom. You miss with the... Is it electricity? What's the... Yes. Thundering. Thundering. You miss with that one as you swipe
Starting point is 00:53:25 The blood disappears and like Re-coalesces But your poisoned one you stab deep into its chest You only deal 4 points of damage But the creature howls And poison You can see it seeping through the blood
Starting point is 00:53:43 Oh yeah Blood monster I imagine he's like a blood version of And poison, you can see it seeping through the blood. Oh, yeah. Blood monster. I imagine he's like a blood version of Emperor Zed, Lord Zed from Power Rangers. The guy that's muscles. What I keep imagining, and I don't think this is right at all, is like, imagine a human body, but you've like deflated it. So it's just like floppy skin. But then blood is also like spurting out everywhere like tentacles.
Starting point is 00:54:08 At this point, it's just a mass of writhing blood tentacles And every now and then you spot, oh, a hand Oh, the face Moroni's face Moroni's turn Moroni strikes at Clara Actually, you know what? It kind of focuses on Clara a little bit Yeah
Starting point is 00:54:21 It stops attacking the guards It's not letting up on you guys But it does stop attacking the guards. It's not letting up on you guys, but it does stop attacking the town guard. That's good. Fuck. Oh, jeez. All right.
Starting point is 00:54:31 It can't seem to get a grip on Clara. Anytime it tries to wrap around her, Clara either throws it off or a burst of holy light coming from her frightens the creature
Starting point is 00:54:43 and making it back off until Clara takes a step forward and says, Coming from her frightens the creature, making it back off. Until Clara takes a step forward and says, My God is definitely with me, abomination. But as she finishes that sentence, one of the blood tentacles stabs her in the face. Jesus. She was the one who's going to heal us.
Starting point is 00:55:05 And now she's dying. She tilts her head back at the last second and it stabs deep into her neck and then letting go of, I believe it was Colin, it lets go of Colin and then you see Clara
Starting point is 00:55:24 begins to get smaller. Good. She needs that blood weight. Well then. It deals 18 points of damage to Clara. Oh, fuck. She's tough. She's a healthy girl.
Starting point is 00:55:39 Then it attacks Leo. Oh, shit. And Periwinkle. It misses completely. It's all good. Yeah misses completely Yeah yeah yeah Leo Yes You get swept low Knocked off your feet
Starting point is 00:55:49 And sent sailing You take 11 points of damage What's your health? What's your max health? 11 now About 40 What? 11 now
Starting point is 00:55:58 I'm on 11 points of health Now You had 40 at the beginning You fell Took some damage I think it hit you last round and it's hitting you now. Oh, boy. How am I going?
Starting point is 00:56:08 You're on 66. Good. Well, you were on 66. Oh, Jesus. Then one of the tentacles strikes you, sending you end over end. You take seven points of damage. That's all right. 59.
Starting point is 00:56:20 That was a lot healthier than I was. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh, boy. Oh, yeah. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. What does scatter spray do? Scatter spray, it sends a bunch of deleterous just in directions.
Starting point is 00:56:33 How's the lows? Lows. Lows? Okay. So. I don't know if that's good or bad based on your facial expression. I'm not getting any better at reading them. Then it is periwinkles time. Great. Pick yourself up. I'm not getting any better at reading them. Then it is periwinkle's time.
Starting point is 00:56:46 Great. I pick myself up. I go for him with silver steel again. Because that seems to be doing more damage than I think I could do with punching. So your first attack, you swipe, but the creature knows
Starting point is 00:57:02 that your sword is like a fucking lightsaber and to just stay the fuck away from it yeah so when you swipe the first time the creature leaps away from you in fear in terror of silver steel it won't let silver still come near it but then you launch yourself forward faster than the creature can react yeah but as you launch yourself forward, you step on some loose pencils. And seriously, loose goddamn pencils. This goddamn place is a sty.
Starting point is 00:57:33 Tell you what. You got her both. Yeah, so that's good. Crit sad. Oh, no, I just drew the crit sad to make you think bad things had happened. You're fine. Oh, good.
Starting point is 00:57:42 Oh, you got a... I don't even know he's picked up critical success overreaction okay you're uh you move faster than the creature expected uh and then when you trip the creature's like fuck like shitting itself so it it leaps further overextending itself your blow is just a regular glancing one, but every enemy of it within range now gets a free attack on it. Oh, yes. Well, that is a boy.
Starting point is 00:58:13 That's all of us. It's everyone. Everyone gets a hit. Do I get another free go? Fuck it. Why not? Yeah. You deal 12 points of damage.
Starting point is 00:58:23 Slicing this blood up Yep Your next attack Free attack No you miss you keep swiping but it's moving away from you It's terrified of you I should have thrown my bees at it The town guard as it moves
Starting point is 00:58:38 They're all very scared to even try and hit it None of them land a blow Seriously guys we have a free hit and you fuckers don't do anything. Waste of space. You're all fine. Leo, as it moves, it knocks you over and you flail with your dagger, but you're unable to hit it.
Starting point is 00:58:55 Are we seriously? This guy rolled two, three times in a row, so. All right, come on, Clara. Hit it with something good. Clara sideswipes it, hitting it bodily. Good. She deals 14 points of damage. Parrying it between the two of you.
Starting point is 00:59:13 Yeah, just... It's a game of fucking Bloodlord Pong. Then it is the guards' turn. They charge in and try to continue their fight. Oh, they're so damaged. Oh, come on. Come on, guards. What the fuck? guard's turn. They charge in and try to continue their fight. Oh, damn it. Come on. Come on, guards. What the fuck?
Starting point is 00:59:29 Crit sad. These guys are all fired. Yeah. They need some training. None of them miss. And one guard, panicking so much, grabs two bolts for his light crossbow instead of one, firing them both at the same time and breaking his light crossbow. What an idiot.
Starting point is 00:59:46 They're terrified. They're scared of a blood god. Nah, fair. It's terrifying. We've fought worse. We've fought a gun and a dragon and ghost monsters and Greg Pierce. And shadows.
Starting point is 00:59:58 Clara reaches a hand up to the penetrator in her neck, sucking her blood. She grabs at it, gives it a light tug, but it won't come free. She considers everything for a brief moment, but looks up at the creature and just lets go of the tentacle, going all out against it. She hits it once.
Starting point is 01:00:20 A flurry of blows just bang! Bang! Bang! It brings its tentacles up to try and defend itself, taking seven points of damage. Oh, man. She's getting weaker. Then it is Leo's turn. How's the blood mound looking?
Starting point is 01:00:39 It's getting tired. Go for it, son. What do you want to do? Fuck it, I'll attack with both. Activating the thunder. All right. So here's how it works. Oh, and also my poison damage.
Starting point is 01:00:52 That's good, yeah? You can only do that twice a day. I know, but is it doing some damage? Oh, yeah. The poison is slowly rippling through it, killing one of its tentacles. Oh, that's good. Good, good. So it takes damage from that every turn, I assume.
Starting point is 01:01:03 That weakened it. Its attacks are less likely to hit now. Oh, cool. That's good. That's good. Despite the fact they've all hit since that moment. But that's fine. That's fine.
Starting point is 01:01:10 That's fine. By and large. Actually, it missed the guards a bunch of times. It did, true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're welcome. They all missed, too. Pieces of shit.
Starting point is 01:01:17 I like how none of us landed a blow in the free hit we got. Also, when it attacked Clara, it missed a ton of times. I rolled like six attacks on Clara. Fuck. Good. Good job, Leo. Good job, Leo. Here Clara, it missed a ton of time. I rolled like six attacks on Clara. Fuck. Good. Good job, Leo. Good job, Leo. Here's how it works.
Starting point is 01:01:28 Now, this creature doesn't usually take critical hits, but I will draw one critical hit card, and if I think I can apply it to a mound of blood tentacles, you still get the critical hit. Okay. Let's go. Okay, a dagger is piercing or slashing, Okay. Let's go. Okay. A dagger is piercing or slashing.
Starting point is 01:01:47 So I will give you the option between the piercing or slashing titles. One of them will affect it. The other will not. Okay. Hand wound and broad swipe. Which one affects the creature? So I'm guessing a hand wound would mean to wound his hand Yes, does this creature have hands?
Starting point is 01:02:07 Now it probably doesn't have hands Although Adam did say it has hands We saw a hand Yeah, I did say you can see an odd hand But no, I'm doing the other one Gotcha No, broad swipe was the one Normal damage and a D8 bleed
Starting point is 01:02:19 So every round is bleeding blood I guess it works Yeah, it just loses mass Yeah, it just slowly begins to lose mass So every round is bleeding blood. I guess it works. Yeah, it just loses mass. Yeah, it just slowly begins to lose mass. So with your poisoned attack or the poisoned dagger, which really isn't much, you deal five points of damage. Hey, a little something.
Starting point is 01:02:37 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every little kelp helps. Every little thing helps. Every little kelps. Every little thing is magic. Yep. With the electric dagger, you deal six points of damage awesome and causing it to bleed i'm also going to try and squirrel away so it doesn't hit me oh uh you don't need to with the bleed damage it only has one hit point left it takes five points of damage so you cut off a second tentacle. Blood starts like out of a hose at high pressure, flying all over the room.
Starting point is 01:03:13 The creature sways and then collapses into a sea of blood that fills the room briefly and then begins to wash out. That's the most disgusting fight you've ever been in. The only parts of Moroni that are left behind are scraps of skin. Ew. What happened to his organs? Don't just shake your head at me. Well, who knows, Jackson? Well. We got him.
Starting point is 01:03:40 I guess, yes. I holster my deckers. I run to Saturday Saturday is dead I don't say anything I just close his eyes I've lost so many good people I've lost so many people in this campaign
Starting point is 01:03:58 You had the most people to lose I did The trick is to have no one to lose You lost a lot of yourself though A guard wanders in And says You had the most people to lose. I did. The trick is to have no one to lose. You lost a lot of yourself, though. Yeah, that's true. A guard wanders in and says, I know everything's very busy right now,
Starting point is 01:04:15 but we need to clear a cage. What for? What for? You don't want this prisoner mixing with the rest of them. What were rat could the guard need that free cage for? Find out next time on Jaren's Outpost Rumble, a D&D's for Nerds adventure. Thanks for listening.
Starting point is 01:04:43 And if you want to follow us on Twitter, you'll find us at Sandspanceradio. Or you can find us individually, I'm at AllDogsAreDead. I'm at RetroArchetype. And I'm at GodDammitZammit. And if you want to hear our other shows, head to Sandspanceradio.com and you'll find all of our content there. There's heaps.
Starting point is 01:04:57 And if you'd like to support us, head to Sandspanceradio.com. See you later, dickheads. Don't call them dickheads. Nah. Hey there, fellow adventurer. If you're picking up what we're putting down See you later, dickheads. Don't call them dickheads. Nah. Available to Sandspans Plus members. The further adventures of the Greyhill Free Company if you want shorter campaigns with beautiful guests. And D&D is for Nerds, not Ognot, where all our non-canon D&D adventures go to rest.
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