D&D is For Nerds - Jarren's Outpost #28 Battle of the Five(ish) Armies

Episode Date: January 27, 2018

In which our heroes fight their way into the keep.Join our brand new facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/ Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your tickets right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Give the gift of Sanspants! https://sanspantsplus.com/give-the-gift-of-sanspants/ Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter:  twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Adam: twitter.com/RetroArchetypeJackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadHandsome Tom: twitter.com/AwkwardTreedZammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sans Pants Radio. Happy birthday, Johnny. Guess what's happening this weekend? Some loose-ass shit. Me, your boy Joel Zammett, and your other boy Joel Dusha are gonna be in Sydney doing a live show for RTX. It's gonna be your boys, plus Michael Hing and Eden Lacey from Dragon Friends, and I guarantee you, it's gonna be so intense, you die. And if you survive, that night, three boys are going to be doing another show at an rtx after party joined by dragon friends dm dave harman and elise and james willems from funhouse so if the first show didn't reduce your body to ash the after party show certainly will hello and welcome to chapter six of jaren's outpost rum a D&D's for nerds adventure. Promvisly.

Would that make me in charge of the town? You're in charge. I guess. Frankly, I don't care because whoever's in charge remains largely inconsequential to me, but I just want to get it straightened out. All right. Clara stiffens when the idea of converting pops up. A rock, even if we win, we lose. Yo, Evelyn.

Yes? What if Leo converts? Is Leo the captain of the town guard? I'm a deputy. No, no, no. I don't need a sword. All right. Pop my gauntlets. Just put them on her shoulders?

I swear to you, she looks up, I will be your faithful servant, as you are Lady Willows. Unfortunately, I am not your militaristic puppet. I'm not asking you as a militaristic puppet. I'm asking you as a friend. You wanted peace? Not at any cost. Unfortunately, peace always has a cost. Oh, the quiet knives give you their regards. Oh, my fave was the mole. He doesn't finish whatever sentence he's

trying to say when a rapier skewers him straight through the head and then slides out. Papa Quiet Knife's eyes roll into the back of his head, and he slumps into the carriage. So tonight, you could kill him, and then tomorrow, or the next day,

when you start your reign properly, you do it in a court with the next people. All right, well, we'll get the sabers to arrest these people, and we'll continue on to the Papa Shorefoots place. Leo and Aurora, you're ready to storm the building and capture the Shorefoots. You get to the front doors to go in. The doors open up and out

steps a bunch of Surefoots. None of them are armed. One of them is waving a white flag. You're all under arrest. Where's your Papa? That one drops the white flag. From in between them Papa Surefoot comes out. He holds his hands out. This looks heaps like a trick.

This looks way like a trick. Hey, Papa Shaw. Can you do anything to test if it's a trick? I kind of have a bit of a squiz, a bit of a scan, read the situation. You don't see any hidden people. The vagrants are all here, but they're, like, retreated to such a distance that... What color is the vagrant's hair? All different colors.

The vagrants have retreated to such a distance that they don't look like they'd be any use in a fight by the time they got here. Papa Shorefoot has a very sour expression. I think he just knows the jig is up. And if this had been happening like a day ago, I would be the first to put my knife through his head. But you deputised me, and this badge means something. I can put my knife through his head. You don'tutized me, and this badge means something. I can put my knife through his head.

You don't have a knife, and that's why. If I'm to be arrested, I'd like to be arrested by the halfling, then. Or by you. Definitely not by the one who just said he'd put a knife through my head. How many sure-foots inside the apartment? All 80 of us are ready to come out, but they're waiting

for you to arrest me first. I get some handcuffs. No, no, no. I need to do this one. I get my handcuffs. I place them on Papa Shelford. After the courts are all said and done, I hope

there's no ill will between us. Oh, man. You do know... Your sword burns at your side. Oh, I know. I know. You just... Lucky you got me on a good day,

Surefoot. Here's to more good days, then. Oh, no, you get one good day. And that's today. Oh, that's unfortunate. Yeah, yeah. The other Shorefoots slowly come out of the building and are all arrested, unless you order the massacres.

No, no, no. They're arrested. All right. Just before they take away Papa Shorefoot, I headbutt him really hard. Police brutality. Didn't see nothing. You knock him out, Colt.

Good. Take him away. He's taken away. That was easy. And I'm scared. Cleric Shooter stands next to you and says, I think what you did was good. Proud of you. I'm going to need a minute.

Very well then, my lord. Proud of you, Perry. Proud of you I'm going to need a minute Very well then, my lord Proud of you, Perry Proud of us I just walk around the corner And you just hear There's bees going off Be orcish for fuck Really loudly That just means he's really happy that

Of his new promotion No, it's fuck I can speak orcish I just come back really cuss Composed of his new promotion. No, it was fuck, I can speak orcish. I just come back really cuss. A runner from the Sabres approaches you. He's wearing just like a tunic and shorts, no armor or weapons or anything like that, just to keep him light so that he can run.

His tunic is blazoned with the Sabre sigil, though. And when he comes up, he has a letter. He's initially about to give it to the cleric, but then he sees you and gives it to you. My lord, a missive from a sub commander sent to protect your family. It's not bad news, he says. Oh good. I open it up. Ian, what have you got for me, mate?

It's a message from one of your sub commanders. One of the white, one of the sabers. He's asking for a one of your subcommanders, one of the Sabres. He's asking for a clarification of orders. He was sent by Evelyn to just check on your family and make sure they're all right. But your wife, Gragir, has shut the door in their face and refuses to open it. No, that's fair. What should I tell the subcommander?

Tell him that they'll be safe with Ian. And if he keeps a watch from a distance, that's a good thing. What should I tell the sub-commander? Tell him that they'll be safe with Ian, and if he keeps a watch from a distance, that's a good thing. Yes, my lord. He runs off. You've got a lot of power, Perry. I do.

My wife hates me, though. What's planned now? She'll forgive me, though. Can we look over at the gnomes? What's going on there? The gnomes? Yeah. Oh, they still haven't been... It's still been less than 24 hours.

All right. We had to join the rest of the forces around Eden's place. All right. I'm going to go quickly check on the Littlefoots. Wait. Littleose. All right. We head off.

Pierce is on two hit points, just as an FYI. So, um... Could do it for nap, if I'm perfectly honest with you. You can use this, yeah? I throw you the wand. It's got three charges. Bam, bam, bam, bam. All with you. You can use this, yeah? I throw you the wand. It's got three charges. Bam, bam, bam, bam. All three charges.

Are you going to the little O's? Yeah. I'll come with you. I just realised there's something that I haven't wiped away yet. Other than my shadow. Like, there's another thing I've got to take care of. You recover in total 41 hit points, so you're on 43. Cool.

Oh, and the codec, I forgot, but you had constitution damage. Oh. The cleric fixes that up for you. Cheers, mate. Are me and Perry wounded, by the by? If not, can the cleric just... I haven't had any damage for ages. You're tough.

You've been doing like non-confrontation. Yeah, you're both on full hit points. You haven't really been on full hit points. Not until I nearly killed Greg Pierce. That's true. Yeah. That's the last fight I had. Perry's getting itchy.

You join the Sabres on the front line. They've set up a makeshift barricade. Just like Mama used to make. Little, little? No, they've set up makeshift barricades all along the fighting lines here. And when you get there, Evelyn informs you,

we've also set up barricades on the other side where the dwarves made holes in the walls just to prevent their exit that way. A sub-commander over there has informed me that that's probably our best mode of ingress, but you can also see many bodies laid out. I'm not sure

how long or how hard this raising the dead spell will be to do, but after he's done it, we'll be able to identify what it is and how to combat it best. What if we burn the dead bodies? You could certainly try, but I don't know how we'd do that. Do you have any... I'm not there.

Where did you go? I went to the little... Oh, no, hang on. I was going to, but the Quiet Knives had my halfling debt, didn't they? Yes. Oh, cool. Then I'd go with a rock. The Surefoot said that they were going to buy it up for you, but they hadn't done that. And they haven't

done that. So, cool, cool. And they haven't done that. So killing Papa Quietknife, wipe away the debt. Fuck yes. Wow. All I need left is my shadow, and I'm back to square one. You got anything from the little lows?

No. Well done. No, they sold his debt to the Quietknife. Well, bloody darn. Well, it cost me. It was a long. That's fine. All right, well, I wait with my town guard. I don't wait with the sabers. I go and wait with the town guard.

If I've taken the crown off, I assume the crown's gone. You can take it off if you want. I feel like a periwinkle wouldn't wear a crown. It's up to you, mate. Will they still follow me without the crown? I mean, you don't know, but you'd be surprised if you took off the crown and they're like, the spell is

broken! Yeah, I crown off. Alright, just chuck it away? but you'd be surprised if you took off the crown and they're like, the spell is broken. Yeah, I crown off. All right. Just chuck it away? I'll just put it in my pocket. I'll give it to one of my kids. All right. What were the names again?

Buttons and Sweat Rock. Yeah, Sweat Rock will love that fucking crown. Fuck Sweat Rock. What a good name. Sweat Rock's a smart one. Yeah. Of course he is. Sweat Rock's got a good head. She, they're by twin girls. That's Yeah. Of course he is. She, they're twin girls.

Sorry. That's right. Of course she is. All right. I wait with my town guard, boys. I'll chill with O'Rourke. And go see how Little Little is going. Pierce, you can sit a bit further away.

We're not friends. Oh, I know. So you didn't go with Leo? I've got no reason to. Are you waiting for anything in particular? You guys could wait until maybe sun rises. Perhaps Evelyn, before you leave, her counsels you,

I would advise that we wait for sun up. There's not a lot of human enemies that we're going to have to fight, but it's best to strike at dawn when the enemy has had the least amount of sleep and when the sun will be in their eyes. Okay. Man, a lot of decisions.

This is hard. You want to wait for sunrise? Yeah, wait for sunrise. In that case, Leo, you find Little Little. He's in the Little Low family. They've set up kind of a makeshift headquarters in a back alley. Little Little. I kind of wave as I sort of walk towards.

Little Little turns around. He's sitting at a table with a bunch of other, you know, his high-ranking halflings within the Little Low family. Looks like maybe he's trying to form a new, like, council and stuff. I kind of gestured, do you mind if I join? He waves, come on over. I kind of sit down. I'm like, well, I've got...

There's always a table at this... There's always a chair at this table for you. I've got good news. Did the runner find you, Little Little? He holds up the ring. Good. Good. So I've got some good news.

Papa Quietknife is dead. And we've arrested Papa Shorefoot. Also, I'm one of the town guard. Yeah. Switch! I noticed that Neat So, where do you think your loyalties lie?

Right now I'm just here to uphold the peace And whilst we've gotten Rid of the surefoots And the quiet knives I mean, as maybe My last favour For the family For're for the moment at least

what does last favor mean protected i don't know what's gonna happen i kind of like this badge it's nice but whilst things are still kind of up in the air at the moment is anything that you guys need uh well i'll always be part of the family and while maybe in the future i maybe not actively help you i might be able to turn some blind eyes this isn't little isn't papa little are you chatting no this is little little he's a very new lines are being drawn in the sand leo you're either in the family or you're out. Well, it depends what you want me to do. Well, basically be our mole. With Wednesday dead, we don't have one anymore. Twist! But Wednesday was working for the Quiet Knives.

That man was so full of holes, you might as well have called him the worst ship in the world. Do you have any idea the gambling debts that man racked up? I can imagine. He was a gambler. Snipers usually are. Well, is there anything right now before everything goes back to, well, hopefully before we get some status quo, some peace and quiet finally,

is there anything that maybe is a favour for, you know, the respect that I had for your father? Is there anything that I as a favour for The respect that I had for your father Is there anything that I can do right now He finishes the spaghetti Puts down the bowl and the fork No that's not what we need right now Unless maybe one of you Maybe you could

Slip us some keys To the cells that Shorefoot's gonna be kept in Little little They took Perry's wife Slip us some keys to the cells that Shorefoot's going to be kept in. Little, little. They took Perry's wife. They took Flipsham. Flipsham's dead? No, they just took her and then.

They just had her for a bit. They kidnapped her. It wasn't great. It's been a long two nights two days but i i maybe it's time for me to go clean he puts his hands on the table you can be deputized you become part of the town guard you can become a sub commander oh hell if a rock dies you could become commander maybe even lord if you will will. But you are never going to be clean. Grease boy. Slam dunk.

You will always, always be our grease boy. Get up and leave. Good luck. Same to you. If you ever need help rebuilding Little Tegel Eye, let me know. I'll do my best to help out. I know a half-orc who can lift buildings.

Yeah, I suppose we'll see you. See you around. You get back maybe a couple hours before dawn. None of you have... Well, no, you, Leo, are the only one who hasn't really slept properly because you've been up pretty much all night. But I assume the rest of you have caught some... Yeah, you, Leo, are the only one who hasn't really slept properly because you've been up pretty much all night, but I assume the rest of you have caught some weeks. Yeah, I had a couple

of Zs. The dragon, as the sun rises, swivels its head off the castle and surveys the city. It opens its mouth and in a loud, booming voice that can be heard from Gnomes and Penny's area, from where the gnomes live, to down through the old blood cultist section, the town militia, the Saber's Fort, and of course, right in front of the Keep's walls. Do you think you can win, little people?

What, do you think, because you are so many that perhaps you have a chance? You are but insects to me. This city, it slowly spreads its wings, is mine, and slowly spreads its wings, is mine. And I am its god. He reaches up as the sun is rising with one of its wicked, awful paws. The sunlight strikes the paw and then an awful black energy bathes the inside of the citadel. Evelyn, you hear her from down the line screaming,

He's doing it! He's raising them! To arms! Swords are drawn. I look at both my arms. From the distance, you hear coming from behind you, back north, back at the north end of the city. You whip around, and in the vague distance, you can see a giant structure floating through the sky.

What the fuck? Bang! Bang! Two bolts of energy flung from the giant structure strike the citadel just below where the dragon is. The dragon roars and launches off the citadel, completing its spell. That's a zeppelin. What's a zeppelin? One of the floating airships. I'll explain very briefly.

The zeppelin is enormous. Spokesman's guy. Usually, when you look at a zeppelin, you see maybe the big balloon and a tiny little undercourage. This is flipped. The balloon is still gigantic, massive, elongated, and slightly misshapen. But an actual, honest-to-God castle is strapped to the bottom of the balloon. Wow, gnomes. What are you doing?

How, gnomes? What are you doing? The castle bristles with balustrade and catapults, which begin flinging projectiles towards the dragon. All right. Well, I turn to my men and I say, time for a motivational speech, I guess. Would you like a moment to write one down?

We'll all be quiet. No, no, no. I reckon I can just wing it. It's not very long because Perriman doesn't do long speeches. Go for it. I was like, all right. You heard the man. He's big.

We're little. We're insects. Have you ever been stung by a bee before? Fuck. Even the biggest motherfucker is weak to the smallest bee. Goggles stands up next to you, holds his dwarven hammer aloft and says, Let us swarm! Beat my chest! Let's go!

You assault the walls. Bring it. Charging forward, you crash like a wave upon it people begin throwing grappling hooks up to the top and attempting to scale boiling water oil I should say sorry

is thrown down upon your attackers some of them scream and writhe as the oil burns through them and some defenders drop motes of alchemist fire to deny passage. The alchemist fire clings like napalm to anything it sticks to and makes entire stretches of the wall unscalable. But even in some of those places,

especially sabres but also town guard, continue to fight upwards through the flames. You spot perhaps Tuesday or Colin climbing their way through flames, ignoring it as they try to get up to the top. A giant set of rams are slammed into the gates and begin pounding. Bang! Bang! Bang! Damage from the last time you attempted to fight the walls has not yet been repaired,

and so the doors break open easily and quite quickly. Attackers begin to swarm the inside, but immediately they're met by the shambling dead. There's so many of them. Eden has been collecting them

since potentially the beginning of all this. Jesus. They are innumerable. There's so many of them. So many more than you. And in among them, you see Eaton's fervent. Those who despite all of this, have stayed

next to Damian Eaton's side loyally and unflinchingly. They command the undead, acting as his sub-commanders, directing them, guiding them. And under their command, the command of these battle-hardened, weary, but nonetheless loyal followers,

they attack with an unheard of fanaticism and destructive intent. uh do you want to go home you see attackers from the other side as well begin to stream through but they are also met by the dead it's difficult to make any progress your people are scared fearsome people people who can be broken and beaten no matter how good a speech you make, these dead, they're not like that. They don't fear. They don't run. They don't turn tail.

They don't question orders. If they're told to fight to the undeath, they do it. And their commanders know that this is the last stand. They will all fight to the death. All right, then. The dragon causes a total darkness as it flies overhead. It sails towards the floating castle. All right.

All right. Assault the keep. Assault the keep. Begin to push forward. Each of you, in turn, enters into single combat with one of the dead. So does the silver steel help me better than gauntlets would against dead? The gauntlets, if they're activated, are better than your silver steel. But that means you're taking damage as you move forward.

So I might as well just use the silver steel for now until the battle gets desperate. Pierce, you contend with four of the dead. O'Rourke, you contend with six as you have charged ahead trying to blaze a path. You're nearly surrounded. And Leo, you must also contend with four. Pierce, the cleric from before, fights next to you. As you fight, you can direct him to fight with you. So you make attack.

He follows it up. Oh, cool. I'll say Periwinkle, you get goggles fighting beside you. As you attack, you can direct him and he'll fight beside you. Consider him like an extra attack almost. Yep. Should have given him Evelyn. He would have hated it.

Leo, you fight next to Evelyn. All right then. The banter between me and Evelyn would have been great. I've killed more people. You suck. Actually, you know what? You get Clara as well, Periwinkle. Oh, okay.

Cool. She won't speak to me. You can instruct Clara to do more than just fight as well. She has magic at her side, and she's powerful against undead if she channels energy away from them or towards them. Adam. Yeah? Does cure moderate wounds hurt the zombies?

Yes. Oh, that's awesome. Holy shit, really? Yes. So health potions hurt them? They can't be forced to drink health. You can use health potions like grenades. Health potions you need to drink,

unfortunately. But if you have, like, your wand. Oh, no, you used it. But I've got spells for Q. Yeah, those hurt them in the same way that inflict spells hurt a person. What weapons does the cleric have? Does he have, like, a sword? He has a morning star. Cool. He's wearing heavy armor. He looks very

kitted out for a fight. I'm gonna go with you first piss so you're contending with four you've got the cleric next to you they're arrayed all in front of you uh right uh i'm gonna cast cure i'll just cast cure light wounds on one of them you grab him by the face and channel cure light winds you said oh the zombie crumbles to dust in your hands. Then you've got the cleric. Direct him to do something. Smack him with your morning start, dickhead.

You point at one of the zombies. Say that. And he gives you like a look, but he moves forward and clocks the zombie on its head. He scores a hit. The zombie's skull caves inside and it topples backwards. That's right. So you're down to two. Cool.

Periwinkle. You've got Clara and Goggles. And six. Six enemies. Clara, Goggles, plus your own stuff. Yeah, yeah. Well, obviously we're going to be like back-to-back bros in like a cool back-to-back formation that you would do

if you're a team. And Clara's just standing there, I suppose. Nah, she does it. She's back-to-back with you as well? Yeah, it's a triangle. It's triangle. Back-to-back's doable. So yeah, yeah, that's what I mean.

So we can each face like two zombies. Can I still use like cleave and great cleave with the sword? Or is it only with the gauntlets? Yeah, with the sword. Great. I'm going to go and just try to kill as many as I can with the sword or is it only with the gauntlets? Yeah, with the sword. Great. I'm going to go and just try to kill as many as I can with the sword.

Your first swing goes clean over the head of one of the zombies. One of the subcommanders informs it, Duck, you cowardly cur! And it ducks underneath your blow. But when it comes back up, you just stab it

in its belly. Silverste steel warms in your hands it detects that you are fighting a righteous cause yeah you destroy the zombie and your blow keeps going you catch another one you destroy a second uh oh wait Which cleaves do you have? I have cleave and great cleave Alright I don't know the difference I also have power attack That means you can

Do more damage But less likely to hit Oh that's that one where I go Yeah fire up a bit I improved disarm I could literally rip the arms off some zombies You destroyed two zombies But that's it

That's alright That's all right. That's good. I only want to get for two. So then you have Clara and Goggles. So Goggles is going to go for his sword of zombies or zombie. Goggles clocks it in its side, crumpling part of its chest, but not downing it. Will Clara be more effective?

Use some kind of magical attack on them? sure let's go with that director to do she has like three uses of a big aoe spell that can like really decimate the area of zombies like get more than just the six here get them like basically any zombie that sees her can be affected by this spell, but only three uses, and you kind of want to use it at a dire moment. All right, so probably not one of the uses now. Not right now, no. Probably save it for a little bit further in the fight. Well, then I'll just get to use her Morningstar on the zombies.

Yeah, okay. Oh, she has just regular magic as well, lesser magic, but any magic she uses against the zombies is magic she can't use to heal you. Yeah, use the mace. She's got it there. Use the mace? All right. She slams one of the zombies. Go for can't use to heal you. Yeah, use the mace. She's got it there. She slams one of the zombies. Go for the heads, guys, too. She knocks its head clear across the field, scoring a goal.

Good. So, three of your zombies are down. Leo. Evelyn also has that ability, not as powerful as Clara, but she only has one use of it as well, to do a devastating AoE attack. Area of effect, if you don't know what AoE is. Yeah, I've worked that. What else does she have?

She has some basic magic, not as powerful as Clara. And every magic that she uses against the zombies is magic that she can't use to heal. Okay. So what would be her basic magic? She can power herself. She can hurt the enemies. Alright. And also she's very good in a fight.

Alright, well I'm going to do something uncharacteristic of me and use a spell. What? No way! Scatter spray at the zombies. Lock of wood. your scatter spray sends bits of loose bits of cobbled loose bits of cobble flying in all directions

You kill three of the four zombies Alright Evelyn Leo does magic Kill that one I'm the grease boy Evelyn looking only at you being like What When she swings

One of the sub commanders has time to say back off and the zombie takes a step back and her blow is too short i just kind of shrug it over uh peace um i would like to two left smack one in the leg and when i've got that one like disoriented be like um cleric smack him in head when I smack him in the legs. Poof, poof. Fucking rumble with the fella. You take either side of the zombie. You go low, he goes high. You slam into his leg, breaking it.

He slams into its skull, breaking it. Boing. Between the both of you, you're able to bring it down. Awesome. It crumbles. Periwinkle. I get goggles to go for the zombie. He's already wounded.

Same thing again, just trying to hit it in the head. And I go for the other two. Oh, no. Oh, no, Adam. Oh, no, Adam. The critical fumbled. Oh, no, Goggles. Goggles swings far too hard,

and his clammy, wet hands lose grip of his weapon. I told you Goggles had clammy hands. His dwarven battleaxe sails clear across the battlefield. Oh, fuck. Landing somewhere far away. Goggles is now unarmed. Well, then. You step next to him and continue his fight.

You slam into the one that he was fighting, destroying it. You bodily rush it, knock it back, and then puncture it with your sword. Your attack keeps going, hitting the one behind it, destroying that one.

One to go. Oh, Periwinkle loves a good fight. You, destroying that one. One to go. Oh, Periwinkle loves a good fight. You missed that last one. Your labored attack to hit three of them in one fell swoop is so slow that one of the sub commanders yells at the last zombie, take a step to the left. The zombie steps to the left and is just out of your range. Your sword clips

it on its shoulder, but a zombie does not care about that. No. You destroy two in total. Uh, Clara, go for that last one. Clara. How far away are the subcommanders from the zombies? Uh, so, you're gonna have to take another wave of zombies, then you get to the

subcommanders. Okay. Cool. Uh, there'll be more be more though behind them. Clara takes a step forward, puts one of her gauntleted feet on Goggles' shoulder, uses him as a stepping point. Goggles cries out, Oi! She launches

off Goggles into the air, lands on the zombie, pinning it to the ground, and slams her mace into its head. She crushes it against the floor. It's dead. Leo. Thanks, Clara.

I'm going to try and flank this last zombie. Stab him. Both daggers. You know what you should do? A classic. Summon a block of wood and then kick it. Slide through the zombies. Grease the floor first. Grease the floor a block of wood and then kick it. Slide through the zombies. Grease the floor first.

Grease the floor. Block the wood. Knock them down. How far away is the sub commander? They're pretty far away. You guys are like slowly fighting your way forward. I was going to think of like chucking a dagger in the air, launch it into his face.

That's good. I guess too far. I've got a longbow. Oh, incidentally, every round or like every line of defences that you fight your way through, I'm going to roll for everyone else and it is a possibility

that they are pushed back and you guys become surrounded. Like alone. Yeah, that's cool. You know, I do have a longbow. I could give that to Goggles and he could try to just aim

for the subcommanders. That's true. You could try, yeah. You know what I just remembered? I forgot to give the zombies a turn. I'm gonna just roll some random damage for each of you. Mine are all dead. Nah,

I'll roll some damage for you anyway. Too quick. Each of you take We got surprised. Highs or lows? Highs. 87 damage. Wow. No, no, I'm kidding. You got me on the wrong foot so you get a surprise round on the deck. As they're still getting up or whatever.

Whose turn was it? I just killed my people. You just killed your people. Yeah, we just flanked, so I think it's... Yeah, you stabbed it in its belly, zigzagging like a Zorro, and tearing out its guts, while Evelyn slammed it in the back of its head with her sword. She cuts

it neatly in two, making your effort almost irrelevant. So right, I've got three. The Leo Shadow way. Pierce. Oh, no, no, no. It's not your turn. The zombies. Odds or evens? Evens

You're the only one still contending with zombies The zombie attacks Who did I say was with you? The cleric Just a cleric Oh the cleric shooter Shooter Gavin I just gave him cleric because no one introduced us The zombie charges at the

Cleric shooter But he brings up his shield and it just slams uselessly against his shield and his heavy armor. That's good. You feel he's like, he's not necessarily the spear tip, but like you feel if you just stood behind him, it'd be nearly impossible to hit you.

Oh, that's good. You literally did that in the first fight we were in, right? Just punched my way through dwarves and gnomes until we got out the other side. I like that this is almost a mirror of that fight. Ah might say that was on purpose pierce it's your turn if i cast major image because that creates something that damages a lot of people in an area will that attack zombies around my friends as well as just me sorry if i cast major image yeah because that does an area of effect on an area of effect but it affects people within like a larger area

yeah is that just going to affect the zombies near me or could i area of effect but it affects people within like a larger area, is that just going to affect the zombies near me or could I make it so that it affects the zombies near my allies too? Yeah, you could. Okay, I'll cast major image of a giant octopus and have it attack the other zombies. I thought you said vagina octopus.

Just a vagina octopus. That's what I heard as well. You really caught me off guard. Just make a vagina octopus. It's what I heard as well. You really caught me off guard. Just make a vagina octopus. It's not quite an octopus. It's not quite a vagina. It's just a vagina octopus. Everybody on the battlefield, everybody, two of me, and just stops and is like...

It can't attack anyone. You know that, right? Yeah. Isn't that what major image is? No. As soon as someone interacts with it, it disappears for them. What am I thinking of? What's the one where it does psychic damage

Isn't that major? That's a fifth X-Bomb Ah fuck that must be Then I'll just smack it with my loot Sing him a song I don't have any of that That was funny You try to swing your loot at it

But it's awkward trying to attack around the cleric The cleric shoves forward with his shield But he just succeeds in knocking it back Then it is periwinkle You can move forward but you'll be leaving Pierce behind But Leo can come up with you That's fine We'll keep moving

I hand my longbow to Goggles who's lost his hammer And I'm like Yo Goggles, who's lost his hammer. And I'm like, yo, Goggles, while we're clearing out these zombies, try to get those subcommanders. All right. You move forward. You've got another six to contend with. So this time, so really, we're kind of stepping back from where Goggles is, so he's got a clear shot for the subcommanders.

Yeah, Goggles will be behind you. Clara and I face off against the first batch of zombies. Goggles fires at the sub-commander, striking him in the chest. He doubles over. He deals eight points of damage to the sub-commander. Boom! Then you and Clara

bring it on. I go for a couple of zombies, try to get as many as I can. Bring it on. Get them cleaves. You cut one of the zombies in two, but your momentum is stopped partway through. This zombie is wearing, perhaps it was an old town guard, and your attack catches on some of its chainmail tunic.

The chainmail tunic, like, wraps around your sword and makes it too awkward to keep going. The subcommander, after being struck, yells out, Take a step backwards, you fool! tunic like wraps around your sword and makes it too awkward to keep going the sub commander after being struck yells out take a step backwards you fool the zombie steps backwards and your blow passes in front of it harmlessly that's right you take out one of them nonetheless though then clara yep just steps forward and attacks as well? Yeah, yeah. Goes for some zombie. She brings her mace down upon the brow of one of the zombies, just slowly moving forward with a... Like downward hitting motion.

She knocks the zombie's head into its chest, grabs the zombie and pushes it backwards, bowling pin-esque style, knocking a bunch of other ones over. Beautiful. So two down, then Leo. Okay, so there's, we can move forward, I guess? Oh, yeah, you'd like to move forward?

So is there three subcommanders in front of us? Yes. You are fighting four again. All right. And so it's this four, and then there's subcommander, yeah? Subcommander is past them, like in the next... A ring of fighting. So what's sort of like after the subcommander, is there anything? Yeah, there'll be more zombies.

I'm just wondering if I waste my... Plus more subcommanders. They're kind of like arranged in circles going towards the key. And you guys are fighting your way forward while on the opposite side people are fighting their way towards you. I'm just wondering if I just... So trying to sandwich them in. Yeah, pretty much.

If I use my last sort of spell, do I wait to use that last spell? Nah, fuck it. I'll use scatter spray again. That did a lot of damage last time. Good move. Try and get to that sub-commander quick. You do superfluous damage to all of the zombies.

Not downing any of them, though. Damn. And... I'll get Evelyn to. Not downing any of them, though. Damn. I'll get Evelyn to try and attack a few of them. All right. Evelyn swings her greatsword, striking one of them. She catches it with her sword. Perhaps this one also has chainmail armor. She catches it, picks it up with her sword, and sends it sailing far off into the fight.

That's good. It's gone. Dead. Very dead. All right. So we're versing three. You've got four. And Pierce is still dealing with the first wave.

But we did knock a few of them back bowling pin style. Yeah. Your town guard, falter. They're pushed back heavily. If it weren't for the sabers who hold their ground steadily, you would be isolated. The only people in this fight right now are sabers. Town guard are pushed out of this section of the city. Fuck.

Jesus. Good thing that we did go to the sabers in the end because they're worth, how many did you say? 100 guardsmen? Each of them is worth maybe 10 guardsmen. Yeah, good. Not fair. They are the bulk or the core of your fighting force right now. It was a dirty job, but I had to do it.

So then it is Pierce's turn. You've still got one zombie before you I just cast Cure Light Wounds on it You reach out to grab it God damn it Oh, fuck Oh, Pierce Heal yourself

Whoops Oh, no This one doesn't work But man, the magic fumbles are so good. You accidentally heal your ally. Yes! Not me, you fool. Your attack hits your ally closest to the target.

So now he's got more health back. You reach out and try to grab the zombie, but you grab the cleric instead and channel healing energy into him. You heal him for 10 hit points. You're welcome. He nods. Thank you. That's what I meant, obviously.

Totally deliberate every single time. With your hand resting on his shoulder, he pushes the barrels away forward for you. His shield, which has wicked spikes all over it, when he slams it into the zombie, it deals damage. Enough that the zombie falls down, badly wounded,

and he just steps onto it and over it, crushing it into the dirt. So next turn you'll be able to move forward. Cool. Periwinkle. You've got four left. Four left. Oh, first off, goggles. Fires. Fuck. He hits the sub-commander

again. The sub-commander cries out in pain as a second arrow protrudes maybe from the other eye slit in his armor. He takes six points of damage. How good a thrower am I with medium bees? Where do you want to put it? Subcommander.

You can hit that easy. Bang, bring it on. I unclip medium bees. Love it at the subcommander. A swarm of bees explodes out. Yeah! That's my medium bees done. Uh-huh.

Got a small left? I got two small left. All right. Does a rock kind of constantly smell just slightly like honey? Oh, yeah. I assumed. That's good. It's honeycomb.

It's literally a honeycomb necklace. Oh, that's awesome. You deal 21 points of damage to the sub commander and all the undead around him. Not only do you clear the line that you have to work out behind him, you kill him and you kill the zombies in front of you.

You can charge very far forward if you want, but that will expose you a lot. True. Like, help out Piss. I might come across to try to help these guys. All right, cool. Piss is falling behind. And by these guys, I mean,

all right, turn your attention to that sub-commander. Does Clara have any kind of ranged attacks? Clara can spit out ranged fire if she needs to. Can I get her to fire a fireball at one of the sub-commanders attacking these guys? She draws a ball of energy into her fist and then hefts it at that sub commander.

It misses him and splashes on the ground near him. He like turns around to see the fireball that just missed him and looks over at you guys. Hey bitch. He waves. Hola. Okay Leo, it's. Hola. Okay,

Leo, it's your turn. Alright, I'm going to try and stab with two of my daggers, thunder this into one of them whilst flanking with Evelyn. You go around the back of the zombie and just start stabbing it in the back.

You make many tiny punctures but all you're hitting is dead flesh. That flesh falls. Like the flesh of its back just falls off the zombie. And you realize it was never part of the zombie. Evelyn barrels forwards. She puts her hand up against the creature's face and channels energy into it. It explodes.

Oh! What a woman. Pierce, have you taken any damage? No, Pierce, Leo, you have not taken damage. You feel a wave of positive energy wash over you and the undead around you. I'm feeling pretty good. Yeah, man. I'm feeling brave and strong.

One of them is fine, but the other one also explodes. She kills two of them. Jeez. Man, fighting with- How many have you got left? One. One left on your side, then sub-commander. Oh, I guess she killed two.

Fighting with healing energy is pretty cool. Then we go to- Oh, first the zombies. Pierce, you cleared out your area, haven't you? Yeah. Yeah, I just wedged Baron Winkle. Baron, you've cleared out your area, haven't you? Yeah. Paralynkel's cleared out his area. And the area past me. Leo, odds or evens?

Evens. Evens? All right. The zombie attacks. The last zombie that you're fighting attacks Evelyn. She's wearing heavy armor as well. When it charges at her, she just sticks out her hand. Its face slams into her hand and she, schoolyard bully style

keeps it too far away for it to strike her. Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself. Enjoy a wet willy. Stop banishing yourself. Stop banishing yourself. You do not know what's happening to the town guard. They've been pushed

too far back For you to see anything And even the sabers are beginning to falter Fuck You guys are isolated at this point Can we see the sabers on the other side? You can still see them here Like they're still in this courtyard area

But they've been pushed past you Yeah, no, sorry, the ones behind us You know how we're coming from two sides? Oh, pushing from the other direction? Yeah. They're also being pushed back. Oh, they're being pushed back as well. You're slowly being repelled. You're losing this fight. Oh, fuck. I cleared like 12 zombies with bees. Come on.

There's nearly a thousand. 12 down. Only one thousand. Where's the dragon? Is it just flying around fighting the blimp? Oh, it's fucked off. You don't know where it's gone. Okay. Well, is it my turn again? Eggs have come home to roost.

You made good with the gnomes, so now the dragon is busy fighting the gnomes. You made good with sabers, so you weren't isolated immediately, and you have a better fighting force. Also, you have extra NPCs. Yep. And who else did you make good with? You didn't make good with the orcs. You don't know what's happening there as well.

You also know that there's supposed to be ghosts here, which you have not seen yet. Weren't they inside the zombies? No. See, I said that before. You guys assumed that's how it was going to work, but that's maybe not how it was going to work. Oh, right then. Ball sacks.

You made good with the halflings, though, or the little lows at least. While they're not, like, openly friendly towards you guys, they know that you're the best bet they have of a happy resolution. So that nest might come home to roost at some point. Nest might come. That bird might come home to roost at some point. Yeah, in a nest. I see where you're getting at.

That nest may come home to bird soon. You know what I mean. And the town guard, obviously. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool. All right, then. Then it is Pierce's turn again. We'll just move forward.

Yep. All right. By the way, because you guys are surrounded, on the zombie's turn, you're going to just randomly take attacks from behind you. Cool. So, Pierce, you move forward.

You're fighting four again. Wow. Fucking weird. Constantly four. Anyway, what would you like to do? Hey, so, what's the range of charm person? I can't charm in combat. I always forget I can't charm in combat.

Never mind. Yes. That's okay. I'll just cast Cure. I always forget I can't charm in combat. Never mind. Ah, yes. That's okay. I'll just cast Cure Light Wounds on the Zambo closest to me. You grab him around the cleric by the leg and channel healing energy into him. The zombie crumbles. You destroy one of them.

Get the one behind him, cleric. Come on now. The cleric steps over the ashes, kicks them into the face of the other zombie, which stumbles a little bit and tries to see through the ashes. It reaches out clumsily. He slams its arm with his shield, knocking it out of the way, and also catching its arm, dragging it down, exposing the back of its neck. Then, crack! He brings his mace down upon the back of its arm, dragging it down, exposing the back of its neck. Then, crack!

He brings his mace down upon the back of its head, killing that one as well. Yeah, bitch. Nice. Periwinkle, you want to go back and help Pierce? What I'm going to do is I tell Goggles, just keep going for the subcommanders. And I start heading across. So is Pierce the closest one to me? Piss in the cleric?

No, Leo would be the closest one to you But Leo looks like he's got that situation under control Piss is the one who looks like he needs help You know, it's always that way So I order Goggles and Clara Clara Fireball The sub commander Goggles, try to shoot the sub commander

Both of them start making ranged attacks. And I go to help Piss. All right. I can't believe I'm about to do this. You slam into the side of the two zombies that Piss and the cleric are fighting. You bring your sword down upon one of them's brow, destroying it. Your blow keeps going. destroying it.

Your blow keeps going. But this sub-commander on the left-hand side where Pierce is yells, Bring your sword up! This zombie slashes at you with its sword and your two swords

slam against each other. The zombie's sword shatters into a thousand pieces but protects it from the blow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's your turn. How did Goggles and Clara go? You've got your back to them.

They're just hurling projectiles as best they can. Okay. Leo, you see that they're not making any hits, but they are making that sub-commander very worried. All right. So there's one person, one zombie, and then there's a sub-commander, yeah? Yes.

All right. Can I get Evelyn to sort of almost cover me so she can stab the zombie so I can bum rush the sub-commander? All right. Evelyn brings her sword level and charges forward. She skewers the undead and uses it as a shield to get to the sub commander. The sub commander pulls like a hand crossbow, fires it. It slams into the back of the zombie.

She keeps going. He pulls another one, fires it, slams into the back of the zombie. He has eyes for nothing but the zombie and Evelyn charging towards him. So when you run up behind Evelyn, climb up on her, leap off her. Oh, yeah. He's caught completely unaware. The classic in the collarbone. All right.

So. Woo. Yes. Whoa, Nelly. Crit hip. Crit hip hip hooray. Crit hip hip hooray. Crit hip hip hip hooray. Krip hip hip hooray. Krip hip hip hip hooray.

Oh, fuck. Delayed wound. You stab him once in the shoulder and once underneath his shoulder. Swing around him and land behind him. He takes four damage from your first blow and four damage every round as he begins to bleed heavily from that upper wound. And then your lower wound deals. All right. Fuck.

Wait. Sneak attack. Shit. Oh, fuck. He's fucked. Sorry. That first attack dealt 12 points of damage and will do 12 points of damage every round. He's not going to last very long.

Especially with Clara and Goggles firing at him. Your second attack deals 15 points of damage. Fuck me. He starts panicking. Good. It's his turn. Their turn. The sub-commander dies from blood loss.

He takes 12 points of damage and dies. Pierce, are you still fighting? No, I think I don't think so. How many did you only talk? No, you only talked about one. There's only one left. Odds or evens, Pierce? Evens. Evens. Alright. The zombie turns around or evens, Pierce? Evens. Evens. Evens.

All right. The zombie turns around and attacks you, Periwinkle. Rude. It wraps an arm, a dead clammy arm, around your ear and tears it off. Oh, boy. That's my good ear. You take eight points of damage. And now you're deaf in one ear.

What? This is all fucked. What? I can't hear you. A zombie ripped off my in one ear. Balance is all fucked. What? I can't hear you, a zombie ripped off my ear. You should get an ear patch. What? A zombie ripped off my ear is the kind of thing you hear from an old police chief as well, like- Piss, highs or lows? Highs. Highs? You get attacked from behind twice? Fuck. Uh-oh. Ball sacks. That face looks like the face of Great Piss's death.

Uh-oh. Oh, no. Crit hat for them, which is our crit stat for us. Crit hat for the Zambo. Crit stat for the blow. One of them bites you in your thigh. You take three points of damage. It's but a light blow compared to the other one. Who grabs you, wraps his arms

around you, hugs you close and starts feasting upon your open, supple neck. Quickly, look to the moon. Well, three points of damage from the first one. Where's that moon at? It's dawn. You take six points of damage from him

and while you're distracted by that one grabbing you, all of them get a free attack. Oh, shit. Where's old cleric, mate? He's standing with you. That'll be... Wait for your turn. Heal me.

I'm also there, so... Hopefully y'all can all heal me. Greg Pierce becomes a zombie were-rat? Oh, yes, please. Undead and a rat. They feast upon you. You take, in total, 26 points of damage.

That's basically half my hit points. Oh, nearly. Jesus. You're on 30-something? Nah, I think you're on less, mate. I think you're in, like, the 10s. 12? 17. You're on 30 something. Nah, I think you're on less, mate. I think you're in like the 10s. 12. 17.

You're on 17. I don't know. I've only taken one hit, haven't I? I'm like... Periwinkle, highs or lows? Highs. Highs? You get attacked from behind by two zombies as well.

These aren't zombies you need to fight. These are just like, because you're surrounded, you're taking attacks. Attack of opportunity, yeah? Yeah, yeah. Something like that, yeah. It's a big home run. One of them bites you in the arm as you're distracted

by the first one. You take eight points of damage. It tears your arm apart. Your arm begins to hang loose at your side. You can still use it but it's... That scar is going to stay with you

for the rest of your life. Good, I like scars. Leo, highs or lows? Lows. Lows. Did any of us get that right? Nope. You all got exactly

the worst thing possible. Oh, no. Zamit, you're in so much trouble. One of them runs past you trying to get you, skips off the ground and, like, hits another zombie. And as you're laughing at that... Oh, God, dear Lord.

What a dickhead. Oh, shit. Oh, no. Zamit, when he's concerned, it's concerning. Hack and slash. Double damage and all critical threats automatically confirmed for the next three rounds.

Fuck me! Everyone! That means that I don't need to do the re-roll to confirm a critical hit. He just gets critical hit. Jesus. Uh-oh. Everyone heal me. Heal me quick. You take 12 points of damage as it grabs you by the arm

And bites your eyes It's wet tongue I was having such a good time too Like I said for the next 3 rounds All critical hits are confirmed Alright Health check Your health is at 28 What am I? All critical hits are confirmed. All right. All right. Health check, just...

What's my health at? Your health is at 28. What am I? You are 61. 61. Fuck you, guys. And Pierce is 70. All right.

Okay. Okay. Then, just a quick roll... For the Sabres and the gang. The Sabres and the Babers. Let's hope they push forward. All right. The sabers and the babers Let's hope they push forward

Alright, so You hear a rousing yell from beyond the walls And town guards start streaming back in Yes! The boys Ah, come on The boys are back in town Led up by the town guard charging back in

The sabers renew their effort as well And the sub-commanders of the sabers Start making their way forward and leading from the front. They start pushing heavily. And then suddenly you're no longer cut off from the rest. They are at even kilter with you, Periwinkle. They've pushed past Leo and Pierce. Bring it on.

Wait. I was that. I wasn't. Wait. I was in... Okay. Some of the... Oh, you... No, he's cleared past the sub-commander. Yeah. I'm at the sub-commander.

Some of the sabers, ones that are paladins and ones that can summon mounts, have begun summoning their magical mounts because there's enough room for them to charge, back off, charge again. Oh, wow. Cavalry. Finally, we're winning a fight. Here comes the cavalry. At the moment, though, I shouldn't have said that.

I should not have said that. Don't delete your words. Okey-dokey. Probably my arm. Pierce, you're clear to move forward to, I believe, the sub-commander now. Yeah. You can fight just him. I'll move forward and be like,

Eel me, dickhead, and run for the sub-comm yeah you can fight just him radio i'll move forward be like ill me dickhead and run for the sub commander to the cleric and on the sub commander i'll cure moderate wounds he's not undead you'll heal him oh shit uh then lesser confusion oh i love i love that it's just confusion you recover 19 hit points from the cleric. I'm going to call him Dickhead from now on. Why is Gregfuss even in this fight? I think he just stuck around too long. That's the feeling I get.

He's like, oh my god, it's happening. It's that moment in the movie where the character that shouldn't be in the fight just ends up having to fight anyway. The subcommander lowers his gaze to look at you. You can tell that your spell has not affected him. Shit. Periwinkle. Well, so I direct Goggles and Clara to shoot at the sub-commander that Greg Pierce is dealing with.

He takes an arrow and a fireball. Still alive? Yes, still alive. There's no threat immediately near me, is there, right? No. Cool. I take small base, lob there, right? No. Cool. I take small Bs, lob it towards that sub-commander. Down to one B.

Pierce gets B'd. It's a win-win in my book if I accidentally B Pierce. The sub-commander, with his sword and shield at the ready, has lowered his gaze at you, Pierce, prepared to fight. And as he takes a step forward, you hear him snarl something, some sort of insult at you. But the insult is caught up by the exclamation, Ah, bees! As Periwinkle's tiny little gems just like, pook, off the side of his helmet.

But then a roiling mass of bees surrounds him that's trying to work its way into his armor he takes nine points of damage this screams leo it's your turn right can i get evelyn to heal me and also then try and bum rush this last dickhead. You recover 11 hit points from Evelyn and then you who do you, sorry? Can I try and bum rush that last dickhead? The sub-commander on your side?

He's dead. Yeah. Oh, you mean the dickhead for him? Yeah. Okay, yep. You go for it. I hope you get a critical fail and get beat I'm kidding, I don't want that to happen You slide under him And slash at his underside

So his dick His scrotum Chop his scrotum Dealing 8 points of damage And dropping him He sways a little bit, but then topples backwards dead Right That's that lot done damage and dropping him. He sways a little bit, but then topples backwards dead. Right. That's that lot done. Alright.

You got another wave of zombies, then another wave of sub-commanders. We've got to advance though, don't we? How close are we to... Where are we trying to get to? Are we just trying to get to the keep, or... You're just conquering the army here. Yeah, that's literally the mission, isn't it?

Defeat the enemy army. Haven't seen No Sign of the Dragon? No Sign of the Dragon. All right. We're not surrounded though, are we? Everyone's caught up to us, yeah? Yeah, no, no, not anymore. We're not getting nipped at the heels anymore, which is nice.

Gather your children. While you may. While you may. You hear cries from way back where the town guard are, cries of surprise. You try to crane your head to look what's going on, but you're in the thick of it. You can't see. You can hear, though, the sounds of combat coming from beyond the walls. The other side, back where you came from.

Orcs. Damn those orcs Will the orcs be able to turn the tide of the battle? And in whose favour? Find out next time on Jaren's Outpost Rumble A D&D is for Nerds Adventure Thanks for listening.

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