D&D is For Nerds - Jarren's Outpost #29 Hidden Tiger

Episode Date: February 3, 2018

In which our heroes go in for the final confrontationJoin our brand new facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/ Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your ticke...ts right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Give the gift of Sanspants! https://sanspantsplus.com/give-the-gift-of-sanspants/ Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: sanspantsradio@gmail.com Twitter:  twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Adam: twitter.com/RetroArchetypeJackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadHandsome Tom: twitter.com/AwkwardTreedZammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Starting point is 00:01:16 the G dimmer. Hello and welcome to chapter 7 of Jaren's Outpost Rumble. A D&D's for nerds adventure. Prisley you can be deputized you become part of the town guard you can become a sub commander oh hell if a rock dies you can become commander maybe even lord if you will but you are never gonna be clean the city it slowly spreads its wings is mine and i am its god! The balloon is still gigantic,
Starting point is 00:01:46 massive, elongated, and slightly misshapen, but an actual honest-to-god castle is strapped to the bottom of the balloon. Wow, gnomes, what are you doing? You know what I just remembered? I forgot to give the zombies a turn. I'm gonna just roll
Starting point is 00:02:02 some random damage for each of you. Mine are all dead. Nah, I'll roll some damage for you. These aren't zombies you need to fight. These are just like, because you're surrounded, you're taking attacks. Attack of opportunity, yeah? Yeah, yeah. Something like that, yeah.
Starting point is 00:02:15 It's a big homer. One of them bites you in the arm as you're distracted by the first one. You take eight points of damage. It tears your arm apart. Your arm begins to hang loose at your side. You hear cries from way back with the town guard, cries of surprise. You try to crane your head to look
Starting point is 00:02:34 what's going on, but you're in the thick of it. You can't see. You can hear, though, the sounds of combat coming from beyond the walls. Leo, O'Rourke, and Greg, you can almost smell the orcish assault. Coming in from the rear of your formation. Man I hate orcs so much.
Starting point is 00:02:52 So full of self loving. The sabers and the town guard continue to hold their ground. But the fighting is stalled. Not because you're not fighting well. You're still fighting better than the enemies. But soldiers are being directed to your rear, basically, to protect against whatever's happening there.
Starting point is 00:03:10 So now it's like, you guys have the numbers advantage, but you no longer have the numbers advantage. It's kind of swapped into a pyramid-y shape where there's more people behind us than at the front. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:03:24 Alright. G. Right. All right. Goggles. Let's get them subcommanders. Get that subcommander for me, buddy. It's Pierce's turn, sorry. All right, then. Goggles, you wait.
Starting point is 00:03:36 You'd like to charge forward? All right. You're going to have to deal with a total of three. They're getting thin. You watch. We'll roll mine You'll have to deal with Thirteen Well the die type
Starting point is 00:03:49 For how many zombies You have to deal with Gets higher But I'm Not rolling higher That's right You'll give me like twenty No it's
Starting point is 00:03:58 If I get the twenty I'm gonna pop the stings No fair I'm on sixty one And I've got a healer with me Yeah I know He's got full pelt mate I should have actually Spiz you have to deal with three I'll got a healer with me I know he's got full pelt mate I should have actually
Starting point is 00:04:05 You have to deal with three I'll cure moderate one and get the cleric to We'll try like what we did before I'll crumb him in a dust You jump over me Smack the other in there Alright You charge forward
Starting point is 00:04:15 Try to grab him Yep You wrap both of your hands around the zombie's clammy head And it's head just Comes off Right got it The zombie's headless body staggers around and its mouth starts like...
Starting point is 00:04:29 Drop it and boot it like football. You channel healing energy into it. The head crumbles to dust as you try to boot it and your kick goes through the chest, which is also crumbling to dust. That's good. The cleric grabs you from behind, drags you back as one of
Starting point is 00:04:48 the two remaining zombies tries to take a swipe at you. He whips himself and you around such that now his back is facing them, letting go of you, and he continues with the momentum, coming now with his mace around, striking the zombie,
Starting point is 00:05:06 destroying it. Yeah, bitch. Periwinkle, you can face down the sub-commander. Pierce looks like he's going okay, and so does Leo. Great. Goggles, go for our sub-commander. Clara and I, we're going to advance. As you charge forward, an arrow flies over you towards the sub-commander. It skips off his shoulder pauldron, though.
Starting point is 00:05:26 Not doing any damage. You and Clara charge in. What would you like to do? What would you like Clara to do? How many zombies are we facing? It's a sub commander. Oh, well, because we kill the line of zombies. The line of zombies.
Starting point is 00:05:38 Well, you're nearly to the center of this square. Clara's there. If you kill the sub commander, you're going to be fighting your way now into the rear of the group, fighting the next. They'll have their backs to us, though. Yes. Alright. I put silver steel away, because I'm charging into this guy. I've got a healer with me. I pop my gauntlets.
Starting point is 00:05:56 It's on, bitch. You swing, and this sub-commander, you immediately can tell, is a lot better at combat. As he steps back, he raises his helmet to look at you properly, and you can tell that it's Lord Triton. Ariel's dad? Roman god, sorry. No?
Starting point is 00:06:20 Yes. Lord Triton was head of the town guard before Eton went insane, before all of this happened. He was commander to Tolton. And technically me too, I guess, at some point. Well, you never really spoke with him. No, I was just way, way down. Does he recognize me?
Starting point is 00:06:40 He whispers to you through the combat, Periwinkle, join us. You swing again, but maybe you're confused this time, and he dodges the blow easily. You can't land a hit on it. Join you? How about, fuck no,
Starting point is 00:06:57 Clara. Join you? How about, fuck you. Clara comes round from the side and tries to blindside him. He grabs the head of her mace as she swings and then crushes it to dust. He's a little bit magic. He's a little bit more than... Does this mean it's magic? The other dickheads.
Starting point is 00:07:19 Leo. So where am I? Because I went over and killed the... Or am I just back to the... You're back to your You get sucked back into your I do a couple of backflips No you can fight with
Starting point is 00:07:28 You can fight with them if you want But then like they'll start coming in from one side You guys are like So Periwinkle is the tip of the spear Charging forwards You guys are on his flanks Making sure he doesn't get attacked from either side Right
Starting point is 00:07:41 It's kind of important that you guys move together So I'm going to leave I guess, Greg Pierce where I was and go towards where Evelyn is. Slot back into your lane. I kind of like glitched the game like. Finally facing seven zombies. Holy shit. I was so surprised I didn't have to face zombies.
Starting point is 00:08:00 Then I remember I killed them like. You killed one zombie that was what was behind that sub commander oh that's what I got instead of the sub commander no remember you threw that thing
Starting point is 00:08:12 and I'm like you killed the zombies behind him he was a zombie so there's seven here and then a sub commander sub commander just a commander
Starting point is 00:08:20 not even a sub commander seven here right Triton Evelyn yep I think this is time to use your AOE. Those seven. She holds up her holy symbol in front of the seven zombies
Starting point is 00:08:33 barreling towards her and yells, Lady Willow commands you! Die, foul beasts! Clara, meanwhile, standing over somewhere going, She rolls her eyes More like lady Lame Of the seven
Starting point is 00:08:54 Six of them When motes of light leap forward Off her holy symbol Decimating rows of zombies Before her Of the seven only only one remains. Oh, shit. I have a golden liquid, then PW.
Starting point is 00:09:08 What does that mean? That'd be... Golden liquid would be a pierce. No, it'd be a daylight pellet. Yes, yes, that's what it is. Yeah, we both had one. I called it a light pollution bomb. Ah, yes.
Starting point is 00:09:22 And yes, that's not the name of it either. And the vial of oil, how long does that, what does that mean? The vial of oil with the blessing oil. Oh, that's probably already gone. Yeah, it's one use. That's definitely gone. All right, then I'm going to try and thunderstab and venomstab, but not venomstab.
Starting point is 00:09:40 Okay, that was confusing, but I understood what you meant. Use the dagger. Thunderstab and regular stab Yes As we like to call it at home But with the venom stab But not using the activating You start slashing and stabbing
Starting point is 00:09:54 And doing whatever you can to this zombie I'm an idiot Get over the head, Leo You're short You destroy it You cut it into so many ribbons That there's not enough of it to stay standing, and it starts falling apart.
Starting point is 00:10:08 You're a genius, Leo. You're standing before the commander in front of you as well. You see his face. He's not wearing a helmet, but you don't recognize him. You maybe know that he is someone important, but you couldn't put a name to the face. Evelyn, do you know who that is? I came here after everything happened.
Starting point is 00:10:29 What the hell are you asking me for? I've never seen this man before in my life. Okay, then. Sassy Evelyn. Just had a word from, like, out of nowhere that he said he could be important. He just looks like someone important. And you assume he is.
Starting point is 00:10:44 Time for the Zambos. And you assume he is. Time for the Zambos and subcommandos. Does everyone have any other weapons? No. The town guards show their fucking true colours today. It's burning down and running. My God, cowards. The sabres in their charge have to charge around a set of stables and because of that the vast majority of their force is hampered because bursting out of the set stables like
Starting point is 00:11:13 a force it's hard to describe all you could say is like specters or ghosts perhaps they swoop in at the sabers knocking a bunch off their horses, scaring a ton of them, and causing general chaos. The sabers begin to become beleaguered. Parts of them become separated and have to fight on their own. The sabers are doing a very poor job. But when the orcs try to push through the gates, and you can see the orcs now, the town guards step up. Unaffected by the specters, because the sabers are dealing with them,
Starting point is 00:11:50 the town guards take on both the orcs and the undead on their own and hold their own. Yeah! Heroes. They're all getting promotions if I survive this fight. The orcish chieftain, you can tell because of his headdress and characteristic armor hey it's that guy again
Starting point is 00:12:08 I haven't seen you since the start of the game chieftain whiplock screams bellows standing upon parts of the broken wall up the other end so they've attacked both ends of your formation isolating you like you isolated them
Starting point is 00:12:26 he stands upon rubble screaming bellowing orders he grabs in both hands his giant axe hefts it into the crowd his axe cuts through two town guards embedding deep in a third and then he reaches out a giant bolt of lightning leaps from his hand to the axe and then the axe sails back into his hands he cries out victoriously and taking some of the blood
Starting point is 00:12:56 off the axe wipes it on his face to show his superiority god I hate orcs classic orc move 16 town guard aim bows at Whiplock. All of them at least unleash at once. Whiplock is so peppered with arrows, he drops the axe and collapses. Oh, fuck.
Starting point is 00:13:15 Yeah. It's going to be a bloody six pack for the boys. Whiplock has been slain. Whiplock's dead. Yeah. Town guard are kicking ass. The orc shaman, shaman gets, takes over. She's on the other side behind where you guys are.
Starting point is 00:13:30 That's right. Magic, though. I hope someone gets that axe. Pierce, how many zombies are you fighting? Just one. It tries to attack. It just hopelessly throws itself against the cleric's shield. Periwinkle.
Starting point is 00:13:45 Yeah. Lord Triton, still holding Clara's broken weapon, yanks her forward onto his sword. Oh, no. Adam. Her, her, her. Ah. Quit fumble.
Starting point is 00:14:05 Pointy end goes there. As he drags her in, he snarls at her. I'll kill you, you bitch. She, with her free hand, grabs the sword, rests it from his control and points it instead at him.
Starting point is 00:14:22 And when they slam together, it embeds into him. She snarls instead at him. And when they slam together, it embeds into him. She snarls back at him. You first. That's good. That's good shit. He takes one point of con damage. Oh,
Starting point is 00:14:36 okay. I assume goggles are still pinging arrows. Oh, that'll be on your turn. Okay. Sorry. They separate. He pulls the sword and tries to slash at her.
Starting point is 00:14:47 She slams the sword down with a gauntleted fist and it skips off dirt. Leo, the guy you and Evelyn are fighting. Kara's a good fighter. You're important, yeah? He reaches out with a hand And a gigantic bolt of lightning Leaps from his hand And blasts Through you, through Evelyn
Starting point is 00:15:12 And down a line of town guard He kills Nine members of the town guard Son of a bitch Fucking sub commanders God damn it Tell you what Nine members of the town got... Son of a bitch. Fucking sub-commanders. God damn it. Tell you what.
Starting point is 00:15:29 It's alright, we'll get him. And Dio's. Oh no. That was a lot of die. 16 points of damage to you and Evelyn. Oh. I did not roll out of the way in time. Your reflexes Cannot do lightning
Starting point is 00:15:47 They are frazzled Piss Hey, so I have a flask of holy water If I pull my health potion trick again And smash it and stab Is it going to do any extra damage Because it's bathed in holy water You can just hit it with the holy water
Starting point is 00:16:03 No, but then it's like a permanent weapon It's a metal container, so no Oh, okay Now just pour holy water on the zombie Pour it on your loot Oh yeah, I'll lube up my loot with holy water That'll be your action That's fine, then the cleric can get it
Starting point is 00:16:19 Pour holy water just on the cleric The cleric gives you an odd look Don't fucking eyeball me He slams the zombie with his shield And hits it with his mace The zombie goes down It's you standing before a commander Oh, you're right
Starting point is 00:16:42 Hello What's up, geezer? You looking to rumble? Do you recognize this one? I recognize this one. Show him my dick. Have me and you... Have you recognized this one?
Starting point is 00:16:55 No. Your wife might. It's a woman. Fuck you. You know her as Lady Forrester. Have we ever slept together? No, she's way too nice for you. That's fair.
Starting point is 00:17:06 But she has. You haven't slept with his daughter. You know Lady Forrester is more of a mage than a fighter. You know that she has a powerful natural magics about her. You are aware of the concept of a druid. You wonder where her tiger is. Uh-oh. Wow.
Starting point is 00:17:27 There. You wonder no more. It is Paralinkle's turn. You continue to fight Lord Triton? Yeah, yeah. I've still got
Starting point is 00:17:35 four. Do I want to just go back to the sword? I'll just use the golem one more time and just go for him.
Starting point is 00:17:40 Apis? Yeah. Yeah. Bring the stingers out. Apis. Bang. Full bloody power, mate.
Starting point is 00:17:47 What's that look, Adam? Come on now. Bit of a cool guy. Also, Goggles is firing arrows, right? Yes. Hey! Oh, no. I guess one hand was good, one hand was bad.
Starting point is 00:18:05 Unless it's like what happened to me that other time. And they're just bad. Where, no, I killed the guys, but then I couldn't make the gauntlets go away. Oh, right. Remember? That was bad. Yeah. Oh, I'm fucked.
Starting point is 00:18:17 I don't know what's happening, but I don't know what's happening either. I've been choosing, like, a lot of different cards. Speaking of fails and haps, I don't know what's going on. Oh, yeah. Oh, jeez. Hope is just like, and you missed. Go fish. Okay.
Starting point is 00:18:41 First, you go low, stabbing him in the belly, looking him dead in the eyes. He turns from Clara to look at you, surprised. And you begin to just work your stinger all around in his gut. You feel it because you have sensation through it. You feel it catch on his lungs and you drag them down and around. As you drag them down and around, you feel it catch on his intestines. You drag them up and around. You feel it wrap around. His heart begins to and around. You feel it catch on his intestines. You drag them up and around. You feel it wrap around.
Starting point is 00:19:06 His heart begins to wrap around. You're just churning his insides like a big pot of spaghetti that you put a spoon in and stir it around. Organ scramble. Double damage and a D6 con damage. Jesus. He's con-stuffed. Also, as I'm doing this, I'm looking him dead in the eyes,
Starting point is 00:19:27 and I just say, no, I'm good, thanks. Oh, yeah. You deal. Jesus H. Jesus H. Willikers. I hope Goggles got him with an arrow as well. And then Clara's going to hit him. Oh, fuck.
Starting point is 00:19:43 You've destroyed him. Decimated. You deal 42 points of damage. Call the cops. That's crazy. And one point of constitution damage. Then, as you swing with your next blow, his gauntleted fist grabs your gauntleted fist, jerks.
Starting point is 00:20:11 You hear a snapping in your arm, and he redirects your blow into your eyes. Jesus. The world goes dark. Am I blind? Or am I dead? Go for the eyes. Uh-oh. Both eyes? Everything is dark. Also, you take three points of damage from your aphid. That's right.
Starting point is 00:20:33 Can I still tell Goggles and... Have I told Goggles and Clara what to do? You can tell them what to do. What did you want them to do? Well, Goggles and I wanted to shoot an arrow at Dickface. I'm now going to tell clara fix my eyes you feel a gentle hand on your shoulder and she says i can't good oh fuck you're now my eyes All right, then. You hear her yell out, I'm draining his hit points.
Starting point is 00:21:09 And right in front of you, you hear, So I guess, did Goggles get anyone with an arrow? Goggles missed. Fuck you, Goggles. I don't mean that. She drains 25 hit points from the man. Fuck me. How is he still alive?
Starting point is 00:21:31 He's a powerful boy. They're tough. I'm about to get eaten by a tiger. Hey, I can't see and I'm deaf in one ear. I'm going to tell Evelyn if we can try that maneuver we did again where she just bum rushes and I try and do that sneak attack behind. You're using the sentence and that sneak attack behind and you realize you're talking to a giant cloud of dust
Starting point is 00:21:54 in the shape of Evelyn. She's charging forward, got her sword in a readied stance, screaming. I try and run and do a flip overhead. Let's try and get that sneak attack. She slams into this guy, piercing him straight through the belly. He doubles over in agony. She deals 17 points of damage to him. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:22:21 You run over her back, grabbing his tunic as you come down, and you stab once. Then when you've got that dagger, you stab a second time. Your second dagger skips off the back of his armor, but your first dagger deals 15 points of damage to him. Seek. Then it is the tiger's turn. Time to get at by a tiger.
Starting point is 00:22:51 Shine bright like a tiger. Shine bright like a tiger. You're not wondering where the tiger is for very long. A field mouse scampers towards you. It leaps through the air at you. And as it leaps, it turns into a tiger mid-jump.
Starting point is 00:23:07 Ah, fuck. The tiger odds are even. Odds. Lands on you. Fuck! Gee, fuck, Pierce. You're the luckiest boy in the world. Oh!
Starting point is 00:23:22 Eat shit, tiger. Eat dirt, actually. Eat dirt, actually Eat dirt, you fall prone and are blinded for Three rounds Blind tiger, get it good The tiger falls forward and as it goes down Or like leaps over you too far And as it comes down, the cleric swings with his morning star Catching the tiger right in its face
Starting point is 00:23:44 It yips and then tumbles end over end into the dirt Awesome Cleric swings with his morning star, catching the tiger right in its face. It yips and then tumbles end over end into the dirt. Awesome. The cleric spins around such that his back is to you. He says, you got the woman? Oh, his. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right.
Starting point is 00:23:59 The woman. I bet I don't. I bet I don't. Charges forwards with a scimitar. She screams. All right. Good. Slashes at you with the scimitar.
Starting point is 00:24:13 You take five points of damage. All good. All right. That's not mean of my good with it. The tiger's blind and prone. Give me the tiger, Clare. Yeah, right? What the fuck?
Starting point is 00:24:25 Rude dick. Odds or evens? Is that directed at me? Yeah. Oh, fuck. Odds? Odds. I meant evens, so that's good.
Starting point is 00:24:36 Here we go. Clara screams. Oh, shit. Oh, I can't tell what's happening because I'm blind. Oh, no. If Clara dies, you're just a blind boy. A blind boy in the middle of ghouls. She screams, my hand!
Starting point is 00:24:55 You feel something warm splash on your face. I don't like that. I don't know what's going on. Then Leo. The guy slowly starts pulling himself off Evelyn's sword and backing up. No, no, no. None of this. He gets a couple feet away from you and then wind. A burst of wind buffets both you and Evelyn.
Starting point is 00:25:22 Sheet. Both of you fall prone and are blown far back away from him. You don't take any damage, but he's not fighting you anymore. You got to deal with some zombies next turn. Ah, damn it. You got to deal with. Fucking deal with. Eight zombies.
Starting point is 00:25:42 Eight? Oh, Dios mio. Dios mio, Superman. I think I've cursed this by saying that we were winning and now I'm blind. Greg Piss is fighting a monster lady. And you're in zombies again. You're back in zombie town, USA.
Starting point is 00:25:59 Don't worry. Maybe the guard will come and help us. Who are the sabers? The sabers get a hold of themselves and begin cutting down the specters. As they are the only people who can have magical weapons, they take it upon themselves to blunt the force of the specters against the town guard. They take heavy losses, but in the fight,
Starting point is 00:26:18 they begin to win against the thousands of spectral soldiers. They're slowly making progress, and some of them begin mounting up again and charging into the undead hordes. Some of them even devote themselves to the orcs. And as the orc chieftain starts casting a prayer over the enemy soldiers, reaching out with an empty hand and an outstretched arm holding a stick with some sort of weird magical rattle on it. Mid spell, a saber rides past,
Starting point is 00:26:51 swings a sword and lops the shaman's head off. So far the orcs have been about as useful as my eyes in this fight. Leaderless, the orcs begin to flee. Town guard, chase them and cut them down easily. Excellent. Good. I mean and cut them down easily. Excellent. Good.
Starting point is 00:27:05 Good. I mean, like, a massacre is happening. The orcish forces go from, like, 800 to maybe 400 in the matter of, like, 30 seconds. Sweet. Town guard destroy them. Town guard has been doing very well, gotta say. Pierce. Right.
Starting point is 00:27:23 I would like to... I'll just cast confusion on her. Just regular confusion. You see her throw it off as if it were nothing. Damn. Never mind, Dan. The cleric, what do you want him to do? Change with you?
Starting point is 00:27:40 Yeah. Swap places. Swap places. You swap around. The cleric barrels forward towards her. On you? Yeah. Swap places. Swap places. You swap around. The cleric barrels forward towards her. On you, Gavin. He swings, but she
Starting point is 00:27:51 ducks underneath the blow and laughs at him. Rude. Shit. Periwinkle. I'm still, I'm blind, but he's still holding onto the gauntlet that's like pinned me in the face. So we're still close to one another. Yeah, you can still feel him breathing on you. Great. He's got a vis another, yeah? Yeah, you can still feel him breathing on you. Great.
Starting point is 00:28:06 He's got a visor, yeah? Yes. Am I close enough to grab the helmet? You could try. You're blind, though, so it's like, where is it? What are my chances of grabbing the helmet and just slamming bees into the helmet and shutting the visor on him? 50-50.
Starting point is 00:28:21 That's good odds. Fuck it. My odds are going to be the same whether I try and hit him with my gauntlets as well because I'm too... You're going to take damage even if you jam it into his thing. Bees will come out.
Starting point is 00:28:31 Oh, yeah, no, that's fine. I'll cop it. The bees do not obey you. No, no, I know. They just attack whatever's in the area. And then shut the visor on him to try to trap them in the helmet as much as possible. All right, 50...
Starting point is 00:28:41 Also, noodle... Noodle. Goggles Oh, yep Arrowing I can't hit him with you in the way, boss Ha ha How bad's Clara hurt? She's standing
Starting point is 00:28:55 Good That's something I'm right here Highs or lows? Highs You guessed wrong, try again Lows Wait a second, this is a trap You sure, lows? No, go with highs Highs or lows? Highs. You guessed wrong. Try again. Lows.
Starting point is 00:29:06 Wait a second. This is a trap. You sure lows? No, go with highs. Highs. Yeah. Wait, what was the thing we did with the tiger that time? I got a choice.
Starting point is 00:29:14 No, I'm sticking with highs. Sticking with highs? Nah, you shouldn't have. You try to grab his visor, but you miss. You still want to use Bs? Well, no. If I don't get his visor, I don't want to use Bs. Can I just try to... You his visor I don't want to use bees Can I just try to You can try again
Starting point is 00:29:26 Try again? Yeah Great, I'll try again You get two attacks Highs or lows? I'm going to go lows this time You guessed right You want to keep it?
Starting point is 00:29:38 Yes You guessed right You grab his helmet Pop it open And then jam bees into his face. What the hell are bees? Why is this shot? Fuck you, Parawickle.
Starting point is 00:29:53 Jesus. What a way to go. If I could see the look on your face now. What level bees? They're just the small, the last bees I've got. All right. What level bees? They're just the small, the last bees I've got.
Starting point is 00:30:04 All right. You and him. I should have treated him. Yeah, I'm sure there'll be more people. You and him both take 12 points of damage. That's all right. He goes down. Or you hear him like hit the dirt. In any case, Goggles yells from behind you.
Starting point is 00:30:23 You got him, boss. Clara. Is it her turn? Could she heal herself? Hit the dirt. In any case, Goggles yells from behind you, You got him, boss! Clara! Is it her turn? Could she heal herself? Yeah, you hear Clara muttering, Oh, God, goddess, please, please bring me my hand back. Oh, no. Oh, boy.
Starting point is 00:30:39 Oh, boy. Who could he definitely? Leo. Right. Eight zambies, huh? Okay, then. Okay, what are we going to do here? So I'm going to order Evelyn to try and chop as many as she can,
Starting point is 00:30:53 and then I will mop up the dregs. Fair call. Send wood into them. Yeah. I can't. I already used up my spells. That's such a shame. How many spells do you have a day?
Starting point is 00:31:04 Just two. I've got, like, you know, the zero level spells, but they use shit. Yeah, yeah. I'm looking at my zero level and just be like, dancing lights. Yeah, I'm looking at my spells. Evelyn catches her greatsword, has like, on the end it's got like a flare, like a barb almost to it, as if it were designed like an
Starting point is 00:31:22 arrow. You did not know why that was the case until now you notice that that is what hooked that first zombie and she uses that again to hook this zombie which she picks up and then bodily throws it back in the direction you came almost directing it or you think purposely directing it at the commander that you guys were fighting. She screams into the crowd, I'll kill you! I'm going to wear your teeth!
Starting point is 00:31:57 The zombie lands in between Evelyn and the sub-commander, who is white in the face looking at Evelyn. Is Evelyn just a human? Yeah. Yeah, cool. Half-barbarian. Half-barbarian. Hubarian. Is Evelyn just a human? Yeah Half barbarian Half barian Hubarian Then
Starting point is 00:32:11 Leo She kills one of them I can't run past these guys can I? Seven attacks of all I don't run past them I'll try and stab a couple Try and get behind Evelyn, behind Evelyn and just... You try to fight ones that Evelyn isn't fighting.
Starting point is 00:32:30 You slash a dozen times at the legs of one of them. It topples over backwards like a tree. Hits the dirt and does not get up. It's not dead, but it can't get up. It's no longer a hazard. Then Sabers and time guards and all our friends. Three of the zombies attempt to grab at Evelyn, but she whips once with her sword a second time, and
Starting point is 00:33:00 you don't think zombies can feel fear, but they frankly look like they're showing fear. She's a scary lady. Let's go with some evens. Evens. The other three zombies try to charge you, Leo, but Evelyn steps in between you and the zombies and screams at them. Spittle flies from her face at the zombies. They slow down to engage her.
Starting point is 00:33:23 She grabs one of them and slams the other two with them. I'm afraid. She's amazing. She's like a powerhouse. I don't want to admit this, but Periwinkle... You can't see this. You don't have to admit this. Good. Here's the tiger gets up.
Starting point is 00:33:40 It's trying to find you, but it can't. Oh, that's good. The lord that you're fighting, Lady Forrester, grabs a mound of dirt and hurls it at the cleric. It strikes the cleric in the chest and vines wrap around the cleric. Ah, shit. They try to wrap around him, but he grabs the big, massive vines and tentacles and tears it off him, chucking it to the ground.
Starting point is 00:34:07 Hero. It crumples up into dead leaves. Good, good, good. Periwinkle, your one's dead. Yep. And there's no one near us for a little bit. No, yeah, you get a round of relief. I'm going to have a potion.
Starting point is 00:34:23 Take a breather. Take a breather, man. Have a smoker. Have a smoker. Fix your arts. I'm going to have a potion. Take a breather. Take a breather, man. Have a smoker. Have a smoker. Fix your eyes. I don't think I can. I imagine Evelyn would be able to fix my eyes. What?
Starting point is 00:34:34 Correct, mate. Evelyn or Dickhead. Evelyn or Dickhead might be able to sort you out. With the orcs retreating and the spectres dealt with, the town guard and the sabres turn their attentions back on the undead. The fight has turned from lopsided against them, lopsided against you, even lopsided against them. You begin winning again. The town guard and sabers begin making progress.
Starting point is 00:35:02 You can see that on the opposite side they're nearly to you. That's good. That's good. That's going to be useful. Alright, Pierce. Can I jump on the back of the tiger's head and like almost mount the tiger and then slam my loot onto the back of its head?
Starting point is 00:35:20 Because the tiger's blind, if you... Yeah, you can try. Yeah, I'll give it a go. Like we're getting an explanation, and it was just like, no, you know what, fuck it, just give it a crack. Just do what you need to do. Have a red hot go, sonny Jim.
Starting point is 00:35:36 Get in there, bud. A bat, I assume a... Oh, gosh, who knows? Adam's looking at stuff. Do you know what magic I gave you, Luke? Yep, that's Oh, gosh. Who knows? Adam's looking at stuff. Do you know what magic I gave you a loot? Yep, that's right. Keen. It's a sharp loot.
Starting point is 00:35:52 Yeah, it's got like a blade on the back. It's like a shiv loot. Oh, yes. Crit. Sick. Fully crit. Fully crit, motherfucker. Broken leg.
Starting point is 00:36:04 Normal damage and a D4 con and dex damage. Target speeds are reduced by half. Sick. Fully crude. Fully crude, motherfucker. Broken leg. Normal damage and a D4 con and dex damage. Target speeds are reduced by half until healed. All right. You leap onto it and slam downwards, breaking one of its front paws. The tiger cries out in pain. Awesome. So does Lady Forrester. Yeah, good.
Starting point is 00:36:22 Are they connected? Yeah. So does she get hurt as well? You deal four points of damage to it and two points of con damage and dex damage. Breaking its leg. Jesus.
Starting point is 00:36:37 Do I stay? What's the cleric to do? Stay on the druid, mate. Get the druid, dickhead. I got the tiger. He barrels forward. You're going to kill me? Are you going to kill me?
Starting point is 00:36:50 She yells as he charges forward. That's scary. I hope the answer to these is just yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. You whip around to see the cleric tackle Lady Forrester to the ground. He puts a hand to her forehead and says,
Starting point is 00:37:05 I'm going to do more than that. What? He's definitely going to be able to bring back my eyes. He begins pulling at something on her face. You're not sure what's happening until you recognize it from when the blood cultist did it to you. He begins pulling her soul out through her mouth. Wait, shit. If her soul goes through her mouth. Wait, shit.
Starting point is 00:37:25 If her soul goes, am I just riding a normal tiger? He finishes with a flourish, tearing her soul out through her mouth. He lets it go off into the air. Hey, damn it! You all...
Starting point is 00:37:41 No, you don't. You all see the soul streaking towards the sky. What was that weird noise that sounded like a soul streaking towards the sky. What was that weird noise that sounded like a soul streaking towards the sky? Lady Forrester convulses and then goes still. Damn it, that delicious soul. The tiger turns back into a regular tiger and starts freaking out. I have to think you've just got a taste for souls. I do a bit.
Starting point is 00:38:04 That could be delicious. Oh, look at that one go. Periwinkle, your vision returns. Oh, hey. Oh. Well, that's good. Just in time to see it disappear into the clouds. That's weird.
Starting point is 00:38:15 So I look around. You're clear. You can start charging towards the other side. Clara's good? Clara's like, you know, in Deadpool, like the little baby hand? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like that rapidly growing to Like the little baby hand Yeah yeah yeah It's like that Rapidly growing
Starting point is 00:38:27 To a full sized hand Cool so she'd be doing that I'm gonna have a potion Cause I've got three I think I'm gonna have one of them What potion is it? Does it say? Moderate
Starting point is 00:38:35 Moderate The ones that he's got as well We split the ones That you used to have You recover 17 hit points Great Am I on Plus 50?
Starting point is 00:38:45 There's still a One-commander left. Yours. Yes. And a tiny cup. You're on 65. That's good. That's good. No, wait.
Starting point is 00:38:54 Whatever, 65. I think I did the maths wrong. That's all right. I was doing bad maths too. I was on like not as high as I thought I could be. Anyway. Well, I don't need Clara to heal me. She's healing herself.
Starting point is 00:39:05 Goggles, get that Anyway. Well, I don't need Clara to heal me. She's healing herself. Goggles, get that commander. Aye, sir. His arrow lands true in the commander's thigh. What the fuck? He cries. Seven points of damage. Oh, he's down. Hey, we've killed all the commanders. What the fuck?
Starting point is 00:39:24 He falls over. no one's fighting anyone i'm zombies riding a tiger but everyone's there helping you though right yeah uh the fight begins to die down pierce if you want to just get off the tiger can i get off the tiger and like smack it on the bum so it runs into the zombies yeah do that get them dickhead Get em dickhead The tiger runs into a group of zombies Freaks out and starts attacking them You guys stand in the clearing In the centre There's no human allies of
Starting point is 00:39:54 Eaton left Just a horde of zombies that are slowly being Picked off Which are at the other side where we're sandwiching them in Your men start slowly trickling Through to the other side. The zombies are hopelessly surrounded. They start being cut down.
Starting point is 00:40:09 Are we winning? You take a breather. Each of you. Sick. So we got my those six or four that were good. Yeah, no, she killed them all. Yeah, like it's not a the town guard and the sabers are doing so well now. Zombies are not a hassle for you guys anymore.
Starting point is 00:40:26 Right. Great. Well, do we all just... Does anyone need some healing? Yeah, give us a potion. How are we all doing? Evelyn looks very tired. She's...
Starting point is 00:40:35 Can she heal herself? No, she's not like in... She's not wounded. She's just tired. Barbarian rage, yeah. Clara turns around and says, I can turn turn but i'm out of magic let's turn man oh that's the air aoe burst oh cool cool no turn undead that's cool
Starting point is 00:40:52 i'll down a potion the cleric says i've got some magic left but taking souls is not easy that's okay we've i've been moderate potion i'm on a reasonable amount of health. What health am I on? You are, by my count, on 15. And this boy? Oh, oh. 39. No, you're on 39. Oh, cool. Pierce is on 15.
Starting point is 00:41:11 What's my max? Do you need a health potion? 77. I give Pierce a health potion. All right. What health potion? Cure moderate. You know what?
Starting point is 00:41:18 Have three. As in, like, here's just three. Just to have. Pierce, you recover 13 hit points. These are my health potions. Yeah, no. These were for us. So you have two. You've got two. 13 hit points. These are my health potions. Yeah, no. These were for us. So you have two.
Starting point is 00:41:26 You've got two. Yeah, yeah. Cool. So I'm on, like, 30. I've got two left. 28. Do I have one more to get myself all the way to 70-something? I'll just say it's 65.
Starting point is 00:41:34 I've got four left. It's fine. I've got four left. This guy is blooded out by darkness. This cunt. Where's me fucking shadow, Eaton? Tell your fucking wife. Do you think this fight is over?
Starting point is 00:41:47 He swoops down over the town guard who's scattering his presence. He breathes a burst of acid. It slams like... Good thing I've got that cloak on. Making a giant line along the ground. In one attack, Eaton kills 25 members of the town guard.
Starting point is 00:42:12 Well, I've got the cloak on, so I should be safe there. Yeah, well, you get that cloak, you get the cloak of resistance. If I have the resist energy acid potion, do I drink that to up my acid resistance? Yes. Each of you feel a wave of fear clutch at you. Oh, boy.
Starting point is 00:42:29 All of you are frozen, unable to move, just gazing at the creature. It swoops down again. Uh-oh. A 91 guards and members of the sabers are killed it slams into the ground swiping bang bang tearing giant swathes out of the ground a spell rips out of one of its hands like the giant lightning bolt but so much bigger a large section of the keep is blasted apart and showers of rocks fall down upon the crowd. People are being killed left, right and centre.
Starting point is 00:43:10 You're still rooted to the ground in fear, unable to act. Damien Eaton kills 38 people stomping on them. I knew Damien Eaton was the winning ticket. I knew Damien Eaton was the winning ticket. I knew Damien Eaton was the winning ticket. Finally, Damien Eaton stops stomping around and turns to face you three.
Starting point is 00:43:31 Uh-oh. Do you think this is over? I am worth a thousand of your armies. Finally, you're able to move. I'm going to go to initiative because this is a classic fight. We're going to forget the little army all around you because, fuck, they do not care about fighting this dragon. NPCs, they're gone too. All right.
Starting point is 00:43:54 So, your little cleric buddy piss. Yep. Rooted to the ground in fear. Come on, D-Ad. Come on. Clara and Goggles. Rooted to the ground in fear. Cannot move. Clara. Char. Rooted to the ground in fear. Cannot move.
Starting point is 00:44:05 Clara. Charges up next to you. I've got your back. Yeah, Clara. Evelyn. Come on, Evelyn. You got this. Evelyn shakes her head.
Starting point is 00:44:16 Holding her sword tight, says, I'm ready to die. Gotcha. Mad. It's good to know. Cheers, man. I've got a really, really bad idea. You're going to try and trick its mouth, aren't you? Sick.
Starting point is 00:44:30 Fast like D&D, ladies and gentlemen. I'm like, I got nothing. I was like, do I try and not... Not fucking... Not luge the... God damn it, I hate not following the rules. What's this? Just jokes muttered under my breath.
Starting point is 00:44:49 I'm sad I'm not still full of souls Because what a great moment to be like I slit my own throat There's only so many games We can end with you doing that How many games end with your suicide? Ah, two fucking many It's always the best move in the... Like, it's never my fault.
Starting point is 00:45:07 It's always the right thing to do. I've not died, though, in this game, which is, like, very fucking notable. You have come real close. Yeah. So close. That's spectacular. I've nearly killed you.
Starting point is 00:45:20 Eaton's nearly killed you. The blood cult's nearly killed you. Anyone that's not nearly... I've nearly killed you. We locked you in the vault. You were dead, pretty much. Yep, Leo's nearly killed you. I've nearly killed you. We locked you in the vault. You were dead, pretty much. Yep, Leo's nearly killed you. Pisses don't die. That's the rule. Pisses don't die.
Starting point is 00:45:32 Piss, you act first. Oh, sorry. Just give me one tick while I grab the monster manual. Just so you're aware, piss, I've got a real bad idea. Okay.
Starting point is 00:45:47 But it's thinking like piss. That's good. All the best ideas do. All right. Pierce? I would like to cast confusion on it. That's my last go of confusion for the day, and I doubt it'll work. It doesn't.
Starting point is 00:46:03 You are not even able to overcome the creature's spell resistance. Some creatures, like dragons, are so powerfully charged magically that when a spell attempts to affect them, it has a chance to just not... If it's just so much weaker than their natural magic, it just has a chance to not affect them. That's what happens here. It doesn't even get to a will save fuck oh uh you can move if you want uh do i think i'll be safer under it like is it
Starting point is 00:46:34 of such a size that the pack of offers you approach all right yeah whatever i'll move i'll move behind the cleric uh he's not in this combat. You may not use anyone who does not participate. That's fair. You can move behind Clara or Evelyn. I'll do that then. I'll move behind Clara. Then it is Clara and Evelyn's turn. Both of them charge. No, wait. Clara stays behind.
Starting point is 00:46:58 Clara casts some of her last magic. All of you feel bolstered. You get bonuses to attack and damage. Sweet. All right. Evelyn, screaming, charges forward. The eaten dragon tries to chomp at her.
Starting point is 00:47:15 It grabs her, lifts her up, and tosses her into the air. You can faintly hear from Evelyn, she comes down on the dragon with her sword Evelyn's kind of amazing It looks like this good mixture of dangerous and crazy Like all religious zealots are She deals 11 points of damage to the dragon eaten
Starting point is 00:47:41 Is she on it now? Yes She's on its back, slowly sliding down with her sword embedded in. That's awesome. Periwinkle. Alright. I drink my resist energy acid potion, and I've got that energy
Starting point is 00:47:55 acid cloak thing. Pull out silver steel, and just run at the fucking dragon. Silver steel is white hot in your hands. Let's do this shit. I run, I run, and I just jump at its gaping mouth. Hello, beastie.
Starting point is 00:48:15 That's exactly what I yell. Hello, beastie. Jackson Bailey getting two Pies of the Caribbean references in. Doing good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As for you, Mr. Stirner, feel free to go ashore. The very next time we make port. Oh, it's such the, it's, but it's, it's the, this bit, it's the,
Starting point is 00:48:34 the very next time we make port. It's because he's having such a good time. He thinks he's so funny and that's awesome. You slash with silver steel. Oh, no, no. I'm not slashing. I'm jumping into this fucker's mouth. Its mouth is looking at Evelyn right now.
Starting point is 00:48:55 Can I still attempt to jump in its mouth? You reach the base of the dragon and begin trying to climb up. You can just climb or you can attack. Just climbing, you get further. Yeah, I'm climbing to this bitch's mouth. Yeah, good. All right. So as you climb up, you pass Evelyn on her way down.
Starting point is 00:49:15 High five. Sup, Ev? She smiles. I was like, the fuck are they doing? Climb the dragon. I think Adam knows what I'm trying to do. I know Zamet knows what I'm trying to do. Leo has no fucking clue.
Starting point is 00:49:27 But Zamet is like, gosh, I hope it works. Yes. Me too. The dragon rolls over with you on it. Uh-oh. It bites at you. Great. Get in your jaws.
Starting point is 00:49:41 But it can't like, it can't get its massive maw at you. What if I wanted to, though? It just can't reach around. Two of its claws slash at you. It rends you apart with its claws. Then two of its wings wrap around and bang, bang, slam into you. The wings, which when stretched, one of them is as large or as tall as a four-story building, do considerable damage. Oh, dear.
Starting point is 00:50:18 Then its tail. Fucking hell. Is it also hurting itself? Because I'm on its neck, I assume. No, it's like hitting yourself assume Nah it's like Hitting yourself It's not the same thing Okay so Oh boy you just took the brunt of a dragon
Starting point is 00:50:33 You took all of it's attacks Except it's mouth Two claws I just wanted to get in it's mouth Why couldn't it eat me That's all I wanted it to do Swallow me Two wings
Starting point is 00:50:44 One of them. Oh, shit. A critical hit. It's alright. I'm prepared to die today. And it's tail. Who's the captain? You'll be captain. Incidentally, Jack, as you were asking before.
Starting point is 00:50:58 No, Goggles will be captain. Yes, it has a crush attack. If you get underneath it, it can just lay down on you. It's impossible to tell which blow is which. It's just like That'd be ridiculous. Yes, it has a crush attack. If you get underneath it, it can just lay down on you. Yeah, okay, cool. Good to know. It's impossible to tell which blow is which. It's just like a hailstorm, but instead of water droplets, pain. Yeah, nah, cool. You take 30 points of damage, and after the wings have buffeted you and the tail has slammed into you,
Starting point is 00:51:23 at first you thought that the air had just left your lungs, but now you notice that the air will not return to your lungs. I've got a punctured lung. No, you've got a crushed trachea. What does that mean? I can't breathe. You can't breathe. Shit.
Starting point is 00:51:40 What do I lose every turn? You don't lose anything. You just slowly suffocate. Can I perform a tracheotomy? lose anything. You just slowly suffocate. Can I perform a tracheotomy? Not while on the back of a dragon. I'm just trying to get to its mouth still. Well, you can't do both.
Starting point is 00:51:55 You have to let go of it if you want to perform a trachea. Or I could keep trying to go for its mouth. You got... What's your constitution? Pretty good. You got 12 rounds before you start suffocating. All right. I'm going for its mouth is scary because every round you roll it gets a bit harder every round just a teensy bit
Starting point is 00:52:10 and it's they it starts so easy but the first time you fail unconscious then the next round no save dead fine fine fine fine fine fine unconscious dead That's 12 rounds away though Like that Those 12 rounds are past like the blink of a cat's eye Leo Okay Sorry about all that Okay, okay
Starting point is 00:52:41 You can sneak attack this thing, BT dubs Cool Can I look around to see if there's anything I can grab from the fallen commanders? That'd be, like, too long to check one of them and, like, keep going over. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Cool. Well, then I'm going to try and run and sneak attack somehow while it's distracted.
Starting point is 00:53:00 If you want, you can sneak attack this round, but it's an attack of all. Sure. All right. Sneak attack with a dagger. My head. The dragon's head slams into the dirt where you were, but a moment before. You're on the right side of it.
Starting point is 00:53:17 You can sneak attack. With both daggers of venom and thundering, and I'm going to use the venom. Just go nuts. Just go nuts. Anything I can, just... Your venom attack misses, but your thundering attack hits.
Starting point is 00:53:31 What's good against acid? Let's see if I've got anything that would help me do it. I've got sealing wax. I can perform a tracheotomy and then seal it up. Yeah. With the locket. Oh, imagine if you were breathing through the... Is it the locket with your wife in it?
Starting point is 00:53:48 No, it's the locket of the other guy's wife. That's funny. What I need right now is a little bit of concentrated full moon that I can just... Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug. Guess what? Now I'm... I hate that voice.
Starting point is 00:54:06 Can we make this fight just take another 33 days, please? Can you control when you become a were-rat? No. I think it's like when you get were-ratism, it's a random chance as to what kind. And I got the kind where I just don't even know what the fuck's going on kind. You deal 20 points of damage.
Starting point is 00:54:25 Oh, nice. The most damage anyone's dealt so far. Yeah. All right, then. So your second blow stabs deep into a muscle. The muscle makes one of its legs jerk, and it hits itself with its own paw. Stop hitting yourself, dickhead.
Starting point is 00:54:40 Pierce. So inspire courage. Will that get the people out of the fear trance? So angry Excuse me Adam For making you look up rules It's like the first time we've made Adam Actually have to look up rules
Starting point is 00:54:54 It's good Usually we're like We do a dance to impress him You fail Damn Okay He do a dance to impress him Is he impressed?
Starting point is 00:55:05 No. Ah. He should be. It was a real good dance. Let me just roll. It wasn't. Cool. I'll go up to them and I will start playing.
Starting point is 00:55:15 Yon dickhead, yon dickhead, wait the fuck up. We're fighting a dragon, what needs to get got? The cleric remains in his state of fear torpor. Garbage. Goggles also remains in his state of fear torpor. Well, I tried. Okay. You can keep playing that every round if you want,
Starting point is 00:55:45 but that's a standard action. Yeah, okay. I think it lasts for rounds after you finish, though. Oh, that's cool. So, like, if I stop playing now, next round, I'll have a chance to break out again. Cool. We should get Clara to do a...
Starting point is 00:55:59 Five rounds after. So, after you stop singing, the effect keeps happening for five rounds. So, you do it three times in a row. Yeah, I will. Don't kill me, though. No, for five rounds. So you do it three times in a row. Yeah, I will. Don't kill me again. No, no, no.
Starting point is 00:56:09 And that's your standard action. And I guess your move action is to just move towards them. Yep. That's your turn. Cool. Sorry, Pierce. Hey, look, that's life. Clara gets big.
Starting point is 00:56:19 Like, real big. That's good. Like the size of a dragon. Did she use her AOE? Not again. It's only undead It's turned undead Not turned dragons That's me stepping on many dogs Yeah
Starting point is 00:56:31 Yeah I hear that That last dog has a bit of fight I hated that last dog He put in a bit Okay Clara gets really big She expands in size. She gets that fiery halo, the light coming out of her eyes and mouth.
Starting point is 00:56:49 Oh, man, she's great. And she charges. She grabs the dragon by its neck and punches it once because she, I just remembered, doesn't have her morning star. Ah, yes. She deals five damage. Pick up a weapon, idiot. Can she hear me?
Starting point is 00:57:13 She looks down at you. Clara, pick up a weapon, you silly goose. Is it my turn almost? It's Evelyn's turn. When it's my turn, I'm going to tell her to do something. Yay! Oh, baby darling. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:57:30 She got a critical 60. Critical 60. Critical 60. Critical 60. Clara gets to the bottom of the dragon, tears her sword out, takes a couple steps back, and then swings as hard as she can, leaning into the blow. Triple damage, but you drop your weapon.
Starting point is 00:57:54 She sends the sword sailing into one of the dragon's eyes. Oh, good. Got him. Let's blind that fuckhole. It's going to be such a fight with the NPCs, do the bulk of the damage, and that's real good. I love it. Let's blind that fuckhole. It's going to be such a fight with the NPCs to the bulk of the damage, and that's real good. I love it. That's good.
Starting point is 00:58:08 Although so far, Leo's actually done the most damage. And he's the weakest. I don't know. This is going to happen. This looks like it's going to be good. Yeah, true. Evelyn deals 48 points of damage. Just out of curiosity,
Starting point is 00:58:26 before I told you that I didn't want to attack, how much did silver steel do? Sorry? I did a lot of damage if I had attacked, yeah? Yeah. Ah, well. I got a better idea. It's probably dumber. We'll see what happens. Clara was like, was punching in the
Starting point is 00:58:42 face. She's big enough to like like hold its head, yeah? Not really. She grabbed it, but like her hand did not fit around its neck. It's still bigger than her. Oh, no, that's fair. She's big enough though to like kind of grapple with its head. A bit, yeah.
Starting point is 00:58:58 Hold its head steady. That's to Clara. Yeah. And now I'm going to try to jump in its mouth again. Clara grabs its lower jaw and wrenches it open. Whee! That's to Clara. And now I'm going to try to jump in its mouth again. Clara grabs its lower jaw and wrenches it open. Whee! You leap into the dragon's mouth. It swallows you whole.
Starting point is 00:59:17 Am I in its belly? You're in its neck. Slowly being swallowed. Good. As this is happening, Tree Token. Slowly being swallowed. Good. As this is happening, tree token. Grow a tree out of dragon's dinner. It was a mighty oak, not a pissy little pine tree.
Starting point is 00:59:42 You take nine points of damage being crushed in the creature's throat That's okay I'm on 24 I got 26 That's good then, I'll take that I'll err on my side of caution Good, good, good
Starting point is 00:59:58 Come on. Come on. I threw myself into a dragon's mouth. I put a tree in its throat. Give me a sec. Oh, come on. I like to think in the dungeon box. This is why I didn't use it on that guy
Starting point is 01:00:26 What to do if your players throw some hot What to do if you want to leave What to do when your players Stop playing the way you want them to play Grab your hot bullshit Close them Pick them up Stand up from your desk
Starting point is 01:00:42 Tuck in your chair Walk out. Politely thank the players. Get a new group of friends. It's going to be good. It's a bit of angry book turning here. Adam's like, I don't know what the fuck I can do with this information. It's 264.
Starting point is 01:01:04 He's going to get another book. Oh, wow. He's pushed away the microphone and turned to another book. I'm not going to be invited back to play another campaign, am I? He's shaking his head. Well, I had a really good time, guys. Yeah, look, it's been good. But see, I don't know.
Starting point is 01:01:23 With Adam, this could all be an elaborate ruse. Yeah, I could now die. You die. In which case, it's been good. But see, I don't know, with Adam, this could all be an elaborate ruse. Yeah, I could now die. You die. In which case, it's also been really nice playing. I guess you'll look. Either way. Suckle killer. Run, run, run.
Starting point is 01:01:43 Run, run, run. Run, run, run. Run away. Ave Maria. Ave Maria. Oh, he's got another book. He just dropped the other book in exasperation. He just dropped the other book in exasperation. This is not even a fucking exaggeration.
Starting point is 01:02:12 I fucking wish this was. He's put down the book and now he's turned on the computer to perhaps scour the internet for a rule. How are you prepared for all the stuff that Jack threw at you, but not tree gullet? So, there is a rule that governs what you are doing, but it's a very obscure rule, and it interacts with another very obscure rule. Right. So, the swallow hole rule is currently interacting with the crushing rule. Yes.
Starting point is 01:02:41 I understand vaguely both of them, but not completely either of them. So it's not actually about the tree token, whether it would be effective. It's about what happens to me in the throat. So, I'm trying to work out how much damage does the dragon's throat need to take before it bursts open? And in that time, how much damage
Starting point is 01:03:00 do you take? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fair. It's a tree, though. Oh, no, no, no. The tree's fine. The tree's going to happen? The tree's happening. Yes! If I die, I don't care.
Starting point is 01:03:11 I planted a tree in a dragon. Hopefully it'll just burst out. You can just pop one out. Climb out the tree. Yeah. You just, like, trach yourself. Yeah, I can't breathe. 12 rounds, 12 rounds.
Starting point is 01:03:24 Just drink a health potion and trach yourself. Yeah, I can't breathe. 12 rounds. 12 rounds. Just drink a health potion and trach yourself. I could trach myself in the gullet. I'm not going anywhere. Why don't you get the time? I just sit on the tree as it grows and pencil in the throat. Lock it in the throat. I could sting my throat, yeah.
Starting point is 01:03:43 It's a sharpie. Where did you get the tree token from? Who gave it to you? Who sealed the fate of the dragon. I could sting my throat, yeah. It's a sharpie. Where'd you get the tree token from? Who gave it to you? Who sealed the fate of the dragon? I stole it from... Bruce Bizzlebop. Bittlecoff. Yeah, Bittlehoff. Bittlecoff.
Starting point is 01:03:54 I stole that, the locket, and the cloak. All from him. That makes me resist acid. Yeah, everything that he gave you. I mean, maybe not the locket. No, the locket's going to help me with the tracheotomy. I'm going to sit it in place and, like, pinch the skin shut. That's what you're using to breathe through.
Starting point is 01:04:12 Oh, boy. So. So. I feel like this is like when you're, like, a math board. Is this a decent impression of Adam when he's like, what is going on? Hang on. Yes. Yes. It's like It's good. It's
Starting point is 01:04:32 calculated bewilderment. Yeah. Yeah. How I think it should be described. All right. So the dragon's neck begins to bulge as if a tree, a tree that is 60 foot high with a 40 foot diameter is bulging out of it. You take 11 points of damage in the first round. That's all right. So does the dragon.
Starting point is 01:04:55 But the dragon doesn't die. You don't die. No. Nothing's happened just yet. Then in the second round, oh, leaves are sticking out of the dragon's mouth. It's cool. Eyes are just up, up, up. Can we do the dragon's mouth. It's cool. Eyes are just... Can we do stuff?
Starting point is 01:05:08 Can I drink a health potion while this is happening? No. There's no room. You're just like crushed up against... Yeah, true, true. I can't even do a cheeky track. Hey, if I come out of this though, you can hear me once I pop out, even if I'm like...
Starting point is 01:05:23 17 points of damage. Now... No. Wait, that's 28 in total. You're on negative two. Yeah. Uh-oh. I figured that out.
Starting point is 01:05:36 I'm prepared to die to kill this dragon. All right. Two hit points. Breaks its throat open. And you're safe. Eight hit points. Kills you. Hang on. So safe eight hit points kills you hang on so two hit points on this roll yep two hit points will burst open its throat and you are freed there's four dice so minimum four you're definitely getting out this round but if you take eight points of
Starting point is 01:06:02 damage i'm dead you have been crushed to death. Oh, no. That's all right. Well, the tree will then burst out of the dragon anyway. Yeah. It was nice knowing you, Terry. Oh, yeah, the dragon's dead. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:06:12 Break its head off. So I'm either going to kill the dragon and live, or I'm going to kill the dragon and die. Yeah, pretty much. I'm pretty happy with those options. Okay. I might just sit down. Can you pass these to Handsome Tom, please?
Starting point is 01:06:24 Oh, fuck, no. I don't want to have to do stuff. Like, all of them? All of them. Just on the table? Yep. What do I need, less than? You need less than eight.
Starting point is 01:06:34 You have a very small chance of living here. Yeah, it's tiny. I've actually got to roll all ones. No, if three of them are twos and one of them is a one. If I roll a six, I'm fucked Yes I'm gonna die Yes Dead
Starting point is 01:06:52 Oh my god Oh, periwink Peri That's so sad The dragon's neck explodes in all directions Its head Hits the ground Its. Hits the ground. Its body.
Starting point is 01:07:07 Hits the ground. In its place. A giant blood red tree. Stands. Slowly. Sliding off the top of the tree. Wet. Bits and pieces. Of at first you assume the dragon but then you notice that's periwinkle's
Starting point is 01:07:30 arm oh that's one of periwinkle's feet that's periwinkle's not head but face Every zombie that hasn't already been killed Drops Like a marionette with its strings cut What does this mean for the future Of Jaren's Outpost Find out next time on Jaren's Outpost Rumble A D&D is for Nerds Adventure
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