D&D is For Nerds - Jarren's Outpost #5 Folly of Full Plate

Episode Date: July 15, 2017

In which our heroes nearly drown and fight the wildlife.Want to help fundraise in aid of PSC Support? Just head over to sanspantsradio.podkeep.com and give what you can for a brand new D&D adventure! And if you’re wanting to know more about PSC Support, you can head here; http://www.pscsupport.org.uk.Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your tickets for our UK tour right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: redbubble.com/people/sanspantsradio or teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter: twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Adam: twitter.com/RetroArchetypeJackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadHandsome Tom: twitter.com/AwkwardTreedZammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sance Pants Radio. Rizzoli and Isles is a television show I'm aware of only in name, and I can only assume it's about two kick-ass lady detectives, but I'm willing to be proved wrong. Hey everyone, before we start the show, we just have a very quick announcement. Mark Chatterley, the guy who pretty much runs Sance Pants Plus and does a whole lot of behind the scenes magic, has a very rare condition called PSC. So what we've decided to do is put together a D&D is for Nerds animal adventure to help fundraise in aid of PSC support. We have the complete campaign available as an mp3 over at sanspantsradio.podkeep.com so just head on over to show your support and give what you can. You can donate as little or as much as you'd like. All proceeds will be going towards helping those affected by PSC, as well as helping drive PSC

research forward. I'm not going to attempt to pronounce what those letters stand for, or what this illness does. Instead, I'm going to let Mark explain what this is. So take it away, Mark. Hey there, Mark here, or Nuffkinkin or just the dude who answers the sandpants plus emails zamitz asked me to give you a brief overview on what psc is and what the charity is and what it all actually means because it's probably not something you've heard of i'm gonna try and keep this entertaining but i have this disease and it might get a little bit heavy. So please stick with me and I'll try not to take too much of your time. PSC stands for primary sclerosing cholangitis. And you don't need to know what any of those words actually mean other than primary.

You probably know what primary means, but the other two, don't worry about the other two. What it means at its basis is my body is stupid. A quick anatomy lesson. On the inside of you, there is a liver. It's your largest internal solid organ. Nice little fact there. And while most people think the heart is the engine of the body, it's not. The heart is just a pump. The liver is the engine of the body the liver is what takes energy from food and makes it usable by you so if your liver gets screwed up like mine is it's not going to be a fun time inside the liver there's what's called the bile ducts these are a tree like structure that start inside the liver and then they go outside and connect the liver to the gut to allow bile to move from one to the other. For you these probably work absolutely fine and you

don't need to worry about them but for me my body has decided they are evil and wrong and must be destroyed. This means my immune system attacks them and causes them to shrink up and eventually close completely. The bile will sit there, become infected, and eventually destroys the liver from the inside out. It's not particularly fun. It's a rare disease. There aren't a lot of us in the world who have this, and it's not curable, and it's not treatable, which means I'm just left with the symptoms and having to manage them, although I can take medication to manage the symptoms. The symptoms range from the slightly annoying, which are things like day-night reversal. Your liver's involved with regulating your body in terms of when you should sleep and when you shouldn't,

so I'm very, very tired throughout the day because my liver's not making the energy for my body. very, very tired throughout the day because my liver's not making the energy for my body. And then at night, my liver, for some reason, decides I should be wide awake and therefore I get very little sleep. There are the dramatic symptoms, like the blood vessels in my throat bursting for various reasons, pouring blood into my stomach, and then me projectile vomiting blood everywhere. That's quite a serious one. It's not fun. To the painful symptoms, which is just pain. It's not nice having your liver destroyed from the inside out and having a pretty much constant infection going on. It's painful and I take a lot of painkillers, which is why if you've ever spoken to me in the afternoon UK time, I've probably been a little bit loopy. And then there's the itching which doesn't sound

like it should be that big a problem but a relentless unstoppable itch is I can't even begin to tell you how annoying it is. In fact before there was a medication that could be taken to stop it people were known to kill themselves over this itch that just wouldn't stop. The reason why we itch, by the way, is because the liver is stupid. The liver suddenly finds itself with a lot of bile just sat inside it and it goes, I don't know what to do with this. And it does what pretty much all of us do when something is overwhelming us. It fobs it off on someone else.

So the liver starts pushing this excess bile in the form of bile salts into the bloodstream. And these bile salts whiz around your bloodstream until they get to the very, very small blood vessels, like in your hands, the palms of your hands and the palms of your feet and your skin. And then they get stuck there causing irritation. So I want to scratch all the time but I'm not actually scratching anything that will be relieved by a scratch so it is constant. The other thing the liver does this with is water. There's a build-up of water in the liver and it goes I don't know what to do with this and all of your internal organs are like inside this sack inside your body and then so you've got like your intestines and then there's a sack every six

inside and then there's your kind of fleshy fatty and and skin bit so the liver has all this extra water and goes i don't know what to do with it i'll just put it over here like when you tidy your room and you just stick everything in a cupboard, it starts pushing that water into the gap in between the intestinal sac and your skin. And so you can kind of end up looking like you're pregnant with this big water baby. Yeah, it's a bit weird. So I said it's not curable. And what do I mean by that? Well, people with this disease have kind of three things that can happen to them.

One, the disease doesn't really progress at all and they're the lucky ones. They get a certain amount of symptoms and they just have them all their life and depending on the symptoms, they adjust their life accordingly. The second option is things get very bad and you end up getting put on the liver transplant list and you get a new liver. I went through the assessment for a new liver about five years ago when I was very, very sick. And because it's autoimmune, our disease kind of ebbs and flows. And every time you get better, you're not as better as you were before if that makes sense and at the beginning of the transplant assessment process I was sick enough to be put on the emergency liver transplant

list so I would have gone straight to the top of the queue by the time they finished the assessment which was about four weeks later I barely would have qualified to be put on the list. And so the doctors made the decision not to list me because I was looking like I was getting to the point where I could just manage the symptoms, which is where I am now. The final option for people who have this disease is death. You just die because you either don't get a liver or the disease progresses too quickly to the point where you skip the window where a liver would actually help you. It's not good having those as your only outlook in the future. Kind of makes planning a bit sucky. I knew I had this disease from blood tests, which is how it usually

starts presenting in people. Your blood tests start looking a bit weird and mine started to get really bad around about the time I got married or civil partnered in the UK because gay men weren't allowed to get married back at the time which wasn't that long ago I'm not that old I know I'm a little bit old but not that old so I got married I got civil partnered I got civilized you see gay people back then we got civilized together it was all very monocles and top hats and I got civilised on the Sunday. On the Monday I got a phone call from my doctors going something's going on with your blood and then on the Tuesday I was admitted to hospital and I stayed in hospital for three weeks. So that wasn't really the honeymoon that anyone imagines. Also looking back on the wedding photos you can see I was a little bit yellow in the skin so the lovely pictures of me giving my speech in front of the white wall

wasn't a particularly good photo to have. So if anyone thinks they can adjust my skin colour with photoshop or something please do get in touch. So WhoWearPSC UK, which is the charity all of this money is going to support. They're a UK-based charity for people who have this disease and in my mind they have three very, very important things they do. The first major one is making people feel like they're not alone. Because it's a rare disease, you don't often meet anyone else who's got it. In fact, my GP who I go to see, I am the first case he has ever seen in his entire life. The only knowledge he had of my disease, of PSC, before I came along was the single paragraph about it in his books that he studied when he was learning to become a doctor

50 years ago. So having a charity who are active on social media, who have Facebook groups, who organise get-togethers, who are at the end of a phone, is actually a really important aspect to what they do. They take something that is quite honestly terrifying and changes your life and they make it easier to cope with. The second thing they do is they organise twice yearly conferences in the UK which gets together various people who've got the disease and doctors and they actually talk about positive things, things that are happening in research and in the world that might one day help us, which is very, very different

to how our usual appointments with these doctors go because usually we sit down and they go, you need to take this medication now or this is a new symptom you're going to get or you probably need a transplant in a couple of years and basically we end up leaving terrified. And finally, and most importantly, and where a lot of their money goes, is they support research. They find medical students who are doing research on the disease.

They support trials on new drugs. They support statistical analysis of existing data. They help collect DNA, they help collect samples from us so that we can get as many people working on it to hopefully mean that people won't have to have liver transplants and can just take a pill to cure it, or that's the dream. And that's a very, very important thing they do. Xamit is being amazing and giving any money that Sandspants makes from this to this charity. And I'm doing the same from my business point of view as well. So no one's making money for this and it's all going to the charity and I can't state how thankful I am to Zamit and to SansPants and to all of you for basically helping me by buying this. You are

directly helping me and I don't really have the words to say thank you properly, which is a bit annoying because I used to work as a writer and I'd like to think I'm pretty good with words, but it means more to me than you'll ever know. Let's put it like that. So that's the quick overview of what PSC is, what I have, and what the charity does. I'm perfectly happy to answer any other questions you've got. So if you do want to send questions about what it means and how I cope and why I thought stupidly that running my own business would be easier than forcing myself to go to work nine to five every day. Because that was the reason I started the business,

was because I thought it would be easier. But anyway, I've taken up enough of your time. So thank you again. Bye. Thank you, Mark. Now, the adventure will also be made available to all Sandspans Plus members. But if you are a subscriber, we do encourage you to go over to sandspansradio.podkeep.com and give what you can. With your support, we can hopefully make a difference for people living with PSC.

Now, enjoy the show. Welcome to Chapter 5 of Jaren's Outpost Hustle, a D&D for nerds adventure. Previously. Cut the leather, grease the floor, push it out. Hopefully it gets it to a boat, I assume. So, the first layer of dwarves? Yes. First layer of dwarves.

Raining heavily. Covered in gore and blood. I like to think every level he is is shrinking. He's losing bone mass. You missed because you got a critical failure. You're getting too fatigued, man. Oh man, we thought it was like a bee magic.

It's a bee curse. It's a bee curse. What does confusion do? Confusion? It makes you confused. What? Why are we fighting, guys? I don't even have this spell.

God dang. Excuse me? You burst into the tent. A mad, awful fight is happening in front of you. Are we going to finally learn satanic powers like all of those dockers from the 80s promised me we would? While it is only maybe the size of a small satchel bag, you know that inside it could be the size of a room

and could contain any number of massive things. The dragon very carefully grabs all of the orc's arm and tears it off. Well, to the sea, then. Periwinkle, Leo, and Piss, all three of you have just leapt into the water to escape the fight behind you. Before we continue, where's my health at, bro? You are currently 27 out of 77. 50 hit points off full. Well know what that's fine how how

i have an antitoxin will that uh well if you drink that you certainly will struggle while underwater right now oh yeah no way yeah not that it'll help much because you're not poisoned let me stab you with my poison dagger. Then we can use it. That'll just cure my poison, but I'll still be minus the health. How deep under the sea are we? Well, let's find out. Hey, didn't we just jump in?

Can we float back to the surface? We're all buoyant. Can half-orcs float? So, half-orcs probably... Do you think we know? Half-orcs are more muscle mass than humans, so harder for half-orcs to float, but they can float.

A half-orc, however float, but they can float. A half-orc, however, who is wearing full-plate armor, Oh, shit. wrapped in orcish whatever, No, no, I ditched them when I... Surely that fell off while I was ripping apart orcs with my bare fucking hands.

I mean, like, it's largely irrelevant because the full-plate is what's fucking you here. It's like adding maybe, you know, three grams on, like, say, four kilos. And like, eh, four. We're going to have to dive down and take your armor off under the water. I better get that motherfucker back.

Okay. I'm only wee. I can't lift you that much. Leo, you're the only person who's in control of your swimming right now. Everyone else is sinking. I'm a city boy. If you do have to take the armour off,

leave the gauntlets and the necklace on because they're offensive weaponry. Hang on, give me one sec, because I need to look up... Drowning rules. Yep. Wait, what? Drowning rules.

Suffocation, it's actually called. Oh, boy. I've lost many people in the D&D game to drowning in full plate armour. It'll get you, man. Because you've got to take it off You know it takes time What if I took it off as I was jumping in Didn't say it

Didn't say it Tomso Didn't happen You're not a fucking idiot Didn't say it God damn it God damn it Periwinkle This is it for you buddy

You survived a dragon Only to drown And your gauntlet's fucking you And Xana not being able to help me I might We don't know yet It's probably It's about undoing straps that's fucking you. And Xana not being able to help me. I might. We don't know yet. It's probably,

it's about undoing straps, not necessarily physical strength. Yeah, I've got little dexterous hands. Uh. You know true. Yeah. Looking at this, I don't know where we are on the docks,

but I bet we're far away from anywhere safe. We can't, we're not going straight for the dragon. That'd be stupid. No, no, I think, I think if we survive,

the strategy here would be that we go somewhere, have a drink, and I was like, right boys, in for a penny, in for a pound. This is what I have to do. So, blah. And maybe we'll see where we go from there. Yeah. Because maybe there's a way we can all win here. I don't know how, but maybe.

I forgot. So you get a penalty to swim based on what armour you're wearing. I forgot that you double the penalty as well when swimming. So penalties are a bunch of other things, but you get negative 12 to your checks. That's the takeaway from this. Jesus. Okay.

Is that for periwinkle and piss? Periwinkle. Periwinkle and piss. That sounds like a great beer. Just a stein of periwinkle and piss, please. Or just periwinkle and piss? Periwinkle. Periwinkle and piss. That sounds like a great beer. Just a stein of periwinkle and piss, please. Or just periwinkle piss. Periwinkle piss. What does it sound like?

It's like periwinkle ale. Can I start taking off my own armour? Yeah. It's like, yeah, periwinkle ale, but everyone calls it periwinkle piss. Yeah. Give us some of that periwinkle piss, man. Oh, love it. Delish.

Why are you called Greg Piss? Because my parents were tanners, and tanning, which is the working of leather, often involves a large amount of feces and urine from animals and sometimes people. So wait, their family name was Piss? Yeah, well, that's what happened. It's a proud name, Piss. They became known as the Piss family, whatever. You make money on Piss.

Yeah, you make money on Piss. And it's not spelled the way it's got an E on the end. It's French, right? No, it's just P-I-S-S. It's like, I'm sure there was like a... It's the opposite of French. There's a Pratchett, Terry Pratchett in the Discworld series. There's a guy who, because he deals with like basically all the sewerage and stuff like that.

He just makes so much money just dealing with things that no one... Yeah, the sewer can. Yeah. That's what it's about. That no one wants to deal with. He's like, why can't there's so much good stuff here? Oh, cool. Yeah, man.

The clothes of this city come from the proud piss name. Anybody wearing armour, it's piss armour. Not piss armour, but it's piss leather. I think there's somewhere the piss kind of manor, as it was, kind of near the ocean, where we'd all just run off into. Into just draining out. All the chemicals and shit you'd use.

I don't know if my parents are still in town. There are really big sharks that live there as well. If Deep Blue Sea has taught me anything. Yeah, oh yeah. They love that. Runoff sharks. Those leathery, leathery sharks. They're all tanned and look like 70-year-old men at the beach.

Just oiled up. All right, so you can hold your breath for 12 rounds. Leo, you can hold your breath For 12 rounds Leo you can hold your breath For 11 rounds Periwinkle 12 And Greg Pierce 14 Oh wow Cool

I can just go Two extra rounds Is not that much True That's 12 seconds Right Okay I'm going to start

Taking off my This is the first round Taking off my armour It'll take a minute For you to remove the armour So who's in... I can control my swimming. These two dickheads are lost. You can either try to remove your armor.

Well, armor is irrelevant for everyone except Periwinkle. Periwinkle, you could try to remove your armor. It'll take you a minute. And a minute is ten rounds. So you'll have one round left to get back to the surface. Two rounds. No, this is the first round

I have twelve You're one round down You're beginning at eleven rounds Alright Quick question Or you could just try to swim Quick question What do my halfling eyes see?

Your halfling eyes? Yes You're aware of where everyone else is Are they visibly struggling? Like do I notice that Periwinkle is in trouble? They're both sinking. I go and try and help Periwinkle undo his straps. What if he's got your knife and just cut them? Piss. I try and

swim so I don't drown. Good luck out for numero uno, guys. Piss, you surface? Oh, what are you doing, Periwinkle? I'm also doing at least, if I'm, if he's doing the straps, if two of us are doing the straps, show that it takes five turns, right? I might be just cutting the straps actually I think

with his help it's a minute god damn it you might be losing can you just cut the straps off I'll see how it goes because he's my knife show that it's quicker than just

undoing them getting under there got that big ass sword if you want to cut it off with that oh jeez helping adds five minutes. Because everyone gets into each other's ways. You're all hassling each other.

Your fingers end up getting tied into each other. Okay. Yeah. Oh, Adam. Boy. It quickly becomes apparent to both of you after a minute, after not a minute, after a round of attempting

that A, because the armor is magical, it is extra tough, you can't cut it. B, even with help, even with help, it would take you like two to three minutes to remove this armor. You would be dead by then.

Just swim. You're just going to swim? Just got to try and swim. Launch item. It does not launch. Launch his armor up. If I drop the big ass sword, does that help? No, it's irrelevant. The sword is not encumbering it.

It's half weight, but the other half is just the full plate armor restricts movement. Can I try and help him swim up? Yeah, you can certainly try to help him swim up. You both surfaced. That was far less complicated than I was envisioning. That could have ended so ugly.

It's associated with the two of us drowning and you escaping. You are a little bit a ways because the tide... Oh, wait, the tide would be going in, right? Yes. Yeah, so I guess you're still pretty close to the docks. I don't know what the tide does in your double-mooned paradise. There isn't a tide. The moons cancel one another out. No, that would be if they were on opposite sides of the planet.

Actually, it would be like every tide would be a king tide. Oh, Jesus. Oh, a king tide. King tide is like a full moon. I thought his name was King Goldcrest. So the tides vary, I believe, with what phase of the moon it's in. So if you get a full moon, the tide comes in the most, really, and it's called a king tide.

It's when the tide is at its highest. But because there's two moons, pretty much every tide would be our equivalent. That's if they're not at the same stage as those. So what if one was waning as one was full? Yeah. Every tide would be, like, our real world king tide would not be a big tide

to the fantasy world. Also, there are three moons. One is not visible. Good, good, good. That's classic. Anybody ever tried to go to your moons? Yes. Did it work out for them? It's all right. They hold it up.

I don't want to know anymore. Asked too much. Yeah. I've hit the boundary of what I'm willing to learn. No more than this. One of the moons is hollow. Uh-huh. Yep, that's also good news.

Adam, I've had enough. Take me home. Do you want to know which one it is? No. We swim for the shore. Yep. Totally. Ignore that. Actually, no, wait. Sorry enough. Take me home. Do you want to know which one it is? No. We swim for the shore. Yep. Totally. Ignore that.

Actually, no, wait. Sorry. In the double moonlight, you guys are looking at the burning, destroyed orc camp, which is still an active battle zone. The dragon's gone now, but that gnomish gliding contraption is still sailing around, dropping gnomes off. All right. There's also gnomes on the wings firing down, you can see.

You can also, in the moonlight, see your own blood. All of you have been wounded pretty gravely. It's just sort of like staining the inky black water. We need to get out of the water real fast. Sharks, shut up. Sharks, sharks, sharks, shit. Let's just start swimming towards shore. Meat pie.

Where's it? Like a nice little bit of shore. A cove. A cove. No one's attacking or anything around. I feel like there's a gap between where the... Oh, no. So if you have a look at the docks,

you're like kind of in the worst possible place. Yes. We're on that curve there. The shortest possible swim just puts you back still in the docks, but you could try to get away from the fighting. If we're underneath the piers and that, we could just creep our way around until we're in the gnome quarter, which is like

a longer creep. That's an actual wall. Yeah, the gnomes do not touch water. There's a little bit of shore there. Well, we could go for that, and then we're at least out of anyone's territory. Then you're out of the city, or you could go the other way, which is actually shorter, but puts you nearer. No, we're go for there, and then we're at least out of anyone's territory. Then you're out of the city, or you could go the other way, which is actually shorter, but puts you nearer. No, we're not going anywhere near Eden.

We don't need that shit. It's a longer swim, that's all. Yeah. Cheers. What's the shark's weakness is punching, and that's what I'm real good at. I'm going to give you a circumstantial bonus to your swim checks because you can grab onto the piers as you move. Yep, you're all

fine. And can I get a highs or lows? Lows. Yeah, you're fine for now. Okay, another check. Good. Creeping around. Highs or lows? Highs. And one more check. Alright, we're going to go lows. Lows?

Lows, highs, lows. We're good? Yeah, good. Alright, Leo, to go with Lowe's. Lowe's? Lowe's. How's Lowe's? Lowe's. How's Lowe's? We're good? Yeah, good. All right. Leo, you go under. Oh, God.

Got by a shark? Got by something? Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Are there sharks? Are there sharks in these waters? Pierce, you don't see anything, but Periwinkle, you think he got got by something. I think he got got by something.

All right. All right. I have armor, so if I go under under it's harder for me to swim out. Just cure him. You got any more spells left? Yeah I got some cure light. Oh good. Leo's still under. I'll duck under see if I can see anything. I will be stabbing. And I'll be ready to punch anything that comes out of the water that looks vaguely evil. Pierce you duck under. You see Leo climbing his way back up. His legs are wrapped around seaweed. You all resurface, and then a shark attacks. I'll have you know, I did not go under.

Leo and Pierce resurface, and then a shark attacks. I punch the shark in the fucking nose, because that's what you do. No, we're going to go to initiative first. I have a hunk of meat. Distract the shark. I have bread. Oh, it's all soggy. Sharks don't mind when to initiative first. I have a hunk of meat. Distract the shark. I have bread. Oh, it's all soggy. Shark's at my point.

I have soap. Soap up the meat. Throw it to the shark. He's dead. He's gone. That's good. What can he do? What can he do?

I have an acid flask. Hey, me too, I think. Melt him. Where are my equipment? I think I had something. Something. I don't know. I've just got caltrops

I've got holy water That'll be alright You know if If the shark's possessed If the shark's a demon or whatever Is the shark a demon? No Is there a way to check?

The shark goes after The person bleeding the most Periwinkle Great Who is that? Because that could be Any of us at this point Bring it on Sharky

Bring it on Leo gives him a run for his money. If you punch that shark and kill it, tell me you're taking some teeth. I am taking some teeth. Because that's fucking... I'm going to add it to my necklace. Is that odds with your honey theme? Actually, I think it's kind of a 50-50, so I'm going to flip a coin.

Heads is Periwinkle. Tails is Leo. Oh, no. Leo, you're so little. What do you guys want to call it? No, no, no. Flip. It could snap you up in one bite, man.

You're so small. Who did I say was Tails? I don't remember. Periwinkle. Periwinkle? Periwinkle, it's you. Great. Bring it on, Sharky.

I'm going to punch Shark in the fucking nose. You bop him in the nose once he skis down. Also, if you take the teeth, you can impress your kids. Yeah, I'll get the teeth to impress my kids. Kids love teeth. I punched the Shark kids. Yeah. Respect me.

I also punched my way through like 27 bad guys. That's impressive. You didn't get the weapon, did you? Dad, why don't you call like- Do you want me to punch you in the nose too? I have two fists. Periwinkle, you take 17 points of damage. The shark bites you.

Is it hurt at all? How is it hurt? I punched it. Oh, no, hang on. It's not your turn. Ah, the rules of the game. Ah, man, it's annoying that it can attack me before I can punch it. It's a shame.

It's a shame, but it's like at you now. Oh, good, I'm on 10. Leo, you're first. A shark has just left out of nowhere and grabbed Periwinkle as he's attached to the dock. Attack. Attack with venom so it's poisoned as well. You can really only attack with one dagger because you're trying to swim as well. Don't use the electric one.

We're in the water. I'll use the venom one to poison him. And do you want to use venom? Of course. Will the electric zap us if I did? You don't know. Okay, then. Good. I take that as a yes. I am very You don't know. Okay, then. Good.

I take that as a yes. I am very much out of spells that can help us. Baboo slime! Dude, this is a perfect baboo slime moment. Next, I'm baboo sliming him. You deal. Stabbing the shark in one of its eyes. 16 points of damage.

Blind him good. And you are unsure, but you don't think you've poisoned it. That's alright. You just gotta feel. I just gotta feel it. And then I'm gonna baboo slime my buddy. Yeah. Then it is...

Because I saved his life. He loves me now. He's indebted to me. It's true. The shark's turn. Okay. That's fine. Rude shark.

Rude. To die at a shark after all that, you know... I would be so annoyed. I survived a dragon. It turns on you, Leo. Ah, shit. You're so small. It's eating you in one go.

That's it. Leo's done. Gone. In the bin. I loved you. He's chum. You're chum now. I'm only on like 10 points.

I don't know. What the fuck am I on? I'm on 10 points. Leo, you take 19 points of damage. I think I'm on a zero. Negative four. Oh, God. Is he dead? No, no, no. 19 points of damage. I think I'm on a zero. Negative four. Oh, God. Is he dead?

No, no, no. He's not dead. He's dying. When he's negative 10, he's dead. Yeah, so when you get dropped into negatives, you're not immediately dead, but you start bleeding out. So you're on the ground, or in this case, in the water, dying slowly. Every round, he loses another hit point until someone helps him. He will die at negative ten

You heal him, I'm going to beat the shark up Alright Got him Shit That was the shark's turn And it's, you know that shark thing they do When they shake their head side to side It's doing that

Periwinkle, it's your turn I'm going to punch that shark so hard in its face It'll shit out teeth Did I miss a turn before? No, it's your turn next. What happened was... I'm on 10. If I use bees... Don't use bees. Just using my punch.

You've already done 16 damage to it. 16 damage, I think? How did I become the team healer? You're the only one who can do healers, though. Are you using just your regular attack? No vicious? No vicious, because it'll kill me. Yeah, I mean, it will. Then I'm not saving both of you, and I can't fight a shark.

I actually cannot fight a shark. My only offensive capability is hitting people with my loot. That's it. Oh, and confusion, I guess. You deal 22 points of damage to the shark as you grab it and just start. You push off from the pier Yeah, grab the shark and you just like wailing it. Yeah, you know when the boxes get really close and they're like hitting around each other That's that's exactly what I'm doing in the shark. I'm beating the fuck out of it. It's Gil's

I'm bare knuckle boxing the shot starts sinking a little bit because it it's having trouble carrying your weight Drown can I while punching it rip its teeth out? You could certainly try but that'll be your next time. It's having trouble carrying your weight. Can I, while punching it, rip its teeth out? You could certainly try, but that'll be your next step. Rip its tongue out. Pierce? Heal Leo. You swim down to heal Leo. Cure light.

All right. Good news, bad news? Bad news. You are sinking. I'll deal with that problem when they come to it. You do get to heal Leo. That's fine. I'm going to push off Leo.

Leo, you recover seven hit points, putting you on, because the first hit point brings you to zero, so you're on six total. Yay, Leo's alive a bit. I'm alive. Underwater drowning. How strong is this shark, by the way? Just put it out there.

Even if you hadn't taken strength damage, it would be stronger than you. Oof. Wow. This shark is huge. Oh. A huge shark is like... You didn't tell me the size of it.

Megalodon. Dang. I just need one tooth and I can wear it. Wait, how big is a megalodon? Megalodon is like the size of a plane. A city. Maybe not a city. A town.

Oh, that's too big. Yeah. A car-sized shark. It's like an orca. city. Maybe not a city. A town. Oh, that's too big. Yeah. A car-sized shark. It's like an orca. Okay. Like a killer whale. Yeah, big, big, big. Of size.

I'm surprised it didn't just consume Leo. Like, it probably did, to be honest. It just didn't swallow him. God damn. No, I punched Leo out of its mouth. There you go. Obviously. Oh, I think this goes without saying that you guys are breaking the pier right now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I figured. Okay. This is the most badass thing ever. Wrestling a fucking killer whale. Leo, it's your turn. You've got to swim up, or do you want to stay underwater? Am I near the shark?

You're not in the shark. Am I near the shark? Oh, near the shark? You've got to swim to the shark. I'll swim to the shark. Yeah, you get to the shark. All right. You, like, grab its underside.

You're being dragged along with it. Bang, bang, bang, bang. This is shit. Cut him. Can I activate the poison thing again? No, once a day. Or is it just like a... At midnight, you get another one.

Quick. Thunder. Thunder? We're all gonna get electrocuted in this water. You grab the shark. Ah, jeez. But the shark is moving at speed. So when you grab it, instead of being like, grab, stab,

it's more like, grab, whoa! That's good. You're being dragged along at such force that you can't bring your dagger up to hit. Jesus. Ah, Jesus. Fuck, this shark is giving us the fucking grapes, man. It's the shark's turn. I'm going to die. Punch, punch, Jesus. Fuck, this shark has given us the fucking grapes, man. It's the shark's turn.

I'm going to die. Punch, punch, punch, punch, punch. Punch, punch, punch in the mouth. In its face. Gouge its eyes. Swim to the shallows. Sharks can't get you in the shallows. Can they?

I'm in trouble. I'm in so much trouble. Either that or Adam just has like a lozenge in his mouth. It's the lozenge. No, we just took a card. I'm in trouble. Yeah. So.

Ah, Jesus. Good news, bad news. I'll take the bad news first. Bad news is that it hits you. It bites you. Yes. Good news is that it did not get to tear your Achilles heel apart. That would have been impressive.

That would have been absolutely fucked. I wouldn't have been able to walk. It nearly got a critical hit. I am so much bigger than both of you. You wouldn't have been able to take me. No, we can't carry you. You'd have to sink. You take 14 points of damage, putting you on three hit points.

Jesus. You have been low to the fucking ground this whole adventure. After being so strong. I know. All right, is it my turn now? It is Perimonical's turn, yes. You lay into it. I know. All right, is it my turn now? It is Paramoical's turn, yes. You lay into it. I'm going to lay...

How much more do I need to do to this fucking shark? Is there a weak point I can go for, like its eye? The shark looks like... Is it like... Oh, you have Handle Animal. I have Handle Animal. Ah, the shark's been trying to get away from you for like a round. Ah, yeah. You grabbed onto it as it was trying to get away. Ah, the shark's been trying to get away from you for like a round. Ah, yeah.

You grabbed onto it as it was trying to get away. Yeah, yeah. I let go of the shark because I've got handle animals. You're good. Oh, my God. I forgot I had that. Leo, you see Periwinkle just let go of the shark. It's dragging you along.

I let go. Can I grab Leo as it goes past and wrench him off the shark? And order. You guys are back under the docks. Just move it as you will. I'd like to apologise for my lapse in judgement. The shark was like, this meal is not

worth it. I forgot I had handle animal. This is fine. I'll cue a light on Periwinkle as well Are you done for spells? Periwinkle you recover 9 hit points

Thank you 5 cantrips left and 2 second level spells left Oh you're doing alright I have a lot of spells And that's not including my bardic Let's just go to the shore There's no more rolls. You get out. You're outside the city, but you're safe.

Okay, boys. You can see the dwarven ships up against the coast, near the docks. And you can see some more ships out to sea. It's hard to make these ones out, but you imagine there'll be further dwarven ships. And you can tell some dwarven ships and you can tell, some dwarven ships, because they're designed around warfare, even like merchant vessels, because dwarves kind of just constantly

expect to have to defend themselves, have ballistae and catapults, usually on their ships. So you can see the catapults on these dwarven ships out to sea hurling flaming balls towards the docks. Oh, God.

Thank God we're not there anymore. Okay. Okay. It's very beautiful. It would be very beautiful if it wasn't fucking terrifying. Are we, like, in, like, a bit of scrub? Or, like, what's the... You're just in reeds, like, in among, you know, water trees or whatever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a mangrove. Yeah, a mangrove. Okay. Right. So, boys. Now, I was after that weapon and you were after that weapon

and the dragon took it, so I think we can all assume that Eaton has the weapon, which is not great because that guy's crazy as shit. He is. I just work for him. He doesn't do dental. Now, yeah. I've heard about that. That's why you guys got all... It's not good. Don't talk about an orc's teeth to an orc.

I didn't. I'm only half an orc, so. So I'm after, I still need that. I'll level with you guys. I need that weapon or I'm going to get, I'll have my legs in a, I'll be in the ocean, I think, I feel, anyway. So why do you need it? Look, I need it from, so I think I can, are we level with you?

So Little Lowe, we all know Little Lowe. I'm aware of Little Lowe. So Little Lowe. Good people. I wouldn't say that. So he either, he wants it or he wants it destroyed. Yeah. Okay.

So that's, but, now the Quiet Knife, Emily. Right, Quiet Knife, Emily. Good people. No, bad people. Worse people. Yeah. Okay. So that's, but, now the quiet knife, Emily. Quiet knife, Emily. Good people. No, bad people. Worse people. Worse people. You owe the quiet knives the most money. So the quiet knife, they want the weapon or I'm going to die.

So I think. The quiet knives are the ones you're most afraid of your life from as well. Look, quiet knives, you'd say if I went a little low, yes, they'd kill me. However, you're a big protecting man, Perry Winkle. And Penn Pierce, we know you. You're a resourceful person. So I think if maybe you helped me with it, maybe we talked a little low. Because I know you want it for something, but maybe we could come to an agreement, Perry Winkle.

And Greg, why were you here? Yeah, I second that question. Why were you here? All right, second that question. Why were you here? All right, cards on the table, lads. Right? As this girl, you know, a lady, you know, gorgeous, Laura. Yeah. Yeah.

And look, I'm in love with her, frankly. But she wants me to convert to this religion. You know, the, what's it called? Lady Willow. The Sabres. The Sabres, yeah. Right? Want me to convert.

They sound terrible. And when I go up to the temple... Your wife does not approve of the Sabres. I want to convert. My wife does not approve of the Sabres. Hey, look, I don't really agree with her methods either, but I love this girl, man. You know, it's love.

It's true love. Yeah. So I go up to the Sabres. I say, hey, can I convert? Can I become part of this operation? They say, Greg Fitz, no. We know who you are. Here I am, betrayed by my reputation,

because I'm a good bloke. You are. I'm aware of your reputation, and none of the things that I know you're bad at are because you're a good bloke. But continue. And they say, if you get this weapon for us, Greg, we'll let you convert.

Now, I know you want the weapon. Fair, fair. They don't have to have the weapon forever. Exactly. Just let me get in, and then it's yours. How about we go to Little O and maybe organise a meeting between, say, the Sabres and then Little O and then we can kind of take out the quiet knives. And because Little O, he didn't want the weapon.

He was either destroyed or he wanted it. So maybe we could come to an agreement and I get to keep my life. Probably going to be difficult getting the Sabres chatting to Little O, man. All three of you are very well aware that the Sabres and the Halfling families kind of hate each other. Look, man, diplomacy's all right. That's a dumb plan.

Your plan is dumb and you will die regardless of what the plan is. I like have a hearty chocolate. I just want to look down into the reedy water and like, okay. I'd like to give you like a punch on like wherever I hit on your body, like a friendly jab and be like, you're all right.

Stone face. You're all right, you periwinkle. Right. Diplomacy probably not going to work here, but if we get it to the sabres and then give it to little Tegelai afterwards, you know, whatever. It's not hard to get into the sabres. There's more halflings than there are people in a religion.

Plus, if I'm already in, I can just get it out again. All right. How's this? I'll help you get the weapon to the sabres. Right. And then you steal it back. Yeah, easy. Give it to Little O.

But in the interim, I think you've got to help me deal with the quiet knives. Yeah, right. Yeah, I'll help you deal with the quiet knives. Because they're brutal people. Easy, man. Yeah. I will. If we with it Because they're brutal people Easy, man, yeah I will If we can get the sabres Okay, how about this

We give it to the sabres Try and convince the sabres to take out the quiet knives While they're dealing with that Steal it back, give it a little low Yeah, alright Yeah? I still don't like that it ends up with little low Well, then you can take it back

Okay No, man, it's not hard I give it a little low Once he's got it, you take it back Wait, what it's not hard I give it a little low Once he's got it You take it back Wait Hey little O I've done my part

Yeah I then go back And not do this I'll help you take it Here we go I'll help you take it back From little O I'll steal it from the sabers

He'll steal it from little O Yeah Perfect plan I never heard of this My I did not hear this plan Part of the plan What crazy

Perry Perry Perry Hang on wait Perry Winkle Yeah right So I did not hear this part of the plan What crazy Perry Perry Perry Perry Perry Perry Winkle Yeah right So

Whoever it ends up with I don't mind It just has to hit several operations Before it ends up somewhere I will do you this I feel like the takeaway Each of you are getting from each other Is that Leo is desperate

Perry Winkle is trustworthy, but difficult to move, and Greg Pierce is happy to go along with you, but is untrustworthy. We'll spin on a dime. Alright. Hang on.

I'm happy for the weapon, for us to work together to steal the weapon, to give it to the Sabres, to steal it back from the Sabres, and give it to Little O. Steal it back from Little O? Yeah. On the proviso that at the end of all of this, I end up with the weapon. Yeah, that's fine.

That's fine, whatever. What are you doing with it? With the proviso that I end up with the weapon. What happens to the weapon after that? Not your concern. I want to look. Do I think he's an okay kind of person? What's the kind of vibe that I'm getting on?

I'm not good at lying. He's Perry. He's love. He's trustworthy ass. You reckon you know him, like, you don't know know him, but you reckon you've got, like, a measure of this person? You don't think he's going to kill innocent people? He's not going to use this to forward his own, like,

personal agenda. Okay, okay. On the provision that no matter what happens, that you don't use the weapon on little Tegelai. I can promise, hand on heart, I will not use the weapon at all. I know there's probably some secret meaning in that, but deal. Not secret, I will

not use the weapon at all. Yeah, we got a deal. Deal. Done. Done. Done not use the weapon at all. Yeah, we got a deal. Deal. Done. Done. All right. On my soul. You only want the weapon to marry. There's nothing else. No, that's it, man. I love this girl.

Can I see his tattoos, by the way? I rolled before and like, oh, tattoos? Give me a moment for that. But I rolled before and like, you think he's in love? No. You think he's in love? You think he's in love? No. You think he's in love? You think he's in love? I take everything you say at first value, piss. That's right.

About the tattoos, though. Hang on. It's like, piss, crazy. I mean, the reputation alone. I thought you were like not just a one woman kind of guy. Oh, I wasn't. Or a one guy kind of guy. Eventually everyone's got to settle down, you know?

Or a one goat kind of guy. Periwinkle? I'm pretty much game for whatever. You're all sopping wet. So your clothes are all askew Greg Pierce's shirt Is like kind of torn open From the fighting and stuff like that

And you can see he's got like some sort of Awful arcane looking tattoo You only see a glimpse Of it But your storied history As a member of the town guard And as a member of the town militia as a member of the town militia, the town militia, incidentally, are, as we speak,

working very hard to destroy that blood cult. You're like, I know where that tattoo's from. So you only want to take it to the Sabres. Yeah, that's it. Purely for love. Purely for love. Take it to the Sabres. You know, this girl Laura, she's with me.

Oh, we're together forever. How'd you get the blood cult tattoo? I was misspent youth you know you think it's clever join a blood cult and then eventually you're like why would I ever do that? how fresh the tattoo look I regret it now

tell you what Perry that blood cult will Periwinkle buy this outrageous lie? find out next time on Jaron's Outpost Hustle A D&Dist for Nerds Adventure Thanks for listening If you want to help fundraise in aid of

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