D&D is For Nerds - Jarren's Outpost #6 Buttons and Sweatrock

Episode Date: July 18, 2017

In which our heroes go home for dinner.Want to help fundraise in aid of PSC Support? Just head over to sanspantsradio.podkeep.com and give what you can for a brand new D&D adventure! And if you’re wanting to know more about PSC Support, you can head here; http://www.pscsupport.org.uk.Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your tickets for our UK tour right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: redbubble.com/people/sanspantsradio or teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter: twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Adam: twitter.com/RetroArchetypeJackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadHandsome Tom: twitter.com/AwkwardTreedZammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

SANSPANTS RADIO PRO MONARCHY Hey everyone, before we start the show we just have a very quick announcement. Mark Chatterley, the guy who pretty much runs SANSPANTS PLUS and does a whole lot of behind the scenes magic, has a very rare condition called PSC. So what we've decided to do is put together a D&D's for Nerds animal adventure to help fundraise in aid of PSC support. We have the complete campaign available as an MP3 over at sanspantsradio.podkeep.com so just head on over

to show your support and give what you can. You can donate as little or as much as you'd like. All proceeds will be going towards helping those affected by PSC as well as helping drive PSC research forward. I'm not going to attempt to pronounce what those letters stand for or what this illness does. Instead, I'm going to let Mark explain what

this is. So take it away, Mark. Zametz asked me to give you a brief overview on what PSC is and what the charity is and what it all actually means because it's probably not something you've heard of. PSC stands for primary sclerosing cholangitis and you don't need to know what any of those words actually mean other than primary. You probably know what primary means but the other two, don't worry about the other two. What it means at its basis is my body is stupid. A quick anatomy lesson. On the inside of you, there is a liver. It's your largest internal solid organ. Nice little fact there. And while most people think the heart is the engine of the body, it's not. The heart is just a pump. The liver is the engine of the body. The liver is what takes energy from food and makes it usable by you. So if your liver gets screwed up like mine is,

it's not going to be a fun time. Inside the liver there's what's called the bile ducts. These are a tree-like structure that start inside the liver and then they go outside and connect the liver to the gut to allow bile to move from one to the other. For you these probably work absolutely fine and you don't need to worry about them but for me my body has decided they are evil and wrong and must be destroyed. This means my immune system attacks them and causes them to shrink up and eventually close completely. The bile will sit there, become infected and eventually destroys the liver from the inside out. It's not particularly fun.

It's a rare disease. There aren't a lot of us in the world who have this, and it's not curable, and it's not treatable. But anyway, I've taken up enough of your time, so thank you again. Bye. Thank you, Mark. Now, the adventure will also be made available to all Sandspans Plus members, but if you are a subscriber, we do encourage you to go over to sandspansradio.podkeep.com and give what you can.

With your support, we can hopefully make a difference for people living with PSC. Now, enjoy the show. Welcome to Chapter 6 of Jan's Outpost Hustle, a D&Dist for Nerds adventure. Here to fall... Maybe there's a way weDist for nerds adventure. Here to fall. Maybe there's a way we can all win here. I don't know how. So you can hold your breath for 12 rounds. Leo, you can hold your breath for 11 rounds.

Periwinkle, 12. And Greg Pierce, 14. Also, there are three minutes. One's just quick. One is not visible. Pierce, you duck under. You see Leo climbing his way back up. His legs are wrapped around seaweed.

Soap up the meat, throw it to the shark. He's dead, he's gone. That's good. What can he do? Will the electric zap us if I did? You don't know. Oh, okay then. Good.

I take that as a yes. I actually cannot fight a shark. You've been low to the fucking ground this whole adventure. You've got to help me deal with the quiet knives. Yeah, right. I'll help you deal with the quiet knives. Because they're brutal people. Easy, man.

Yeah. I'll steal it from the sabers. He'll steal it from Little Lo. Yeah. Perfect plan. I never heard of this. I did not hear this part of the plan. What?

Crazy. You don't know him, but you reckon you've got a measure of this person? You don't think he's going to kill innocent people the town militia incidentally are as you as we speak working very hard to destroy the that blood cult you're like i know where that tattoo is from so you only want to take it to the sabers yeah that's it purely for love purely for love take it to sabers you know this girl laura she's with me. Ah, we're together forever. Perry Winkle, Greg Pierce has just told you that those cult tattoos he has, he got in his misspent youth.

Do I buy that at all? Greg Pierce's bluff is very high. So, I'll take it at face value right now. So, I'm going to give you two pieces, both of you, because you both made these rolls, two pieces of information, and I'm going to let you guys do with them whatever you want all right when he says misspent youth you think that the story is probably largely true but you think there's something more to it than that yeah also you are both able to tell that the tattoo is fresh it's still like red raw from being applied

fair enough greg so we all Sorry, that's the information. You make your own conclusions. I just don't think I care. Okay. If you're a blood cop, whatever. I'm just not going to let Greg get out of my sight. He'll fuck your wife. Not your wife.

He probably has. Not your wife. Fuck the idea that I just... I have. It's something we did in the past. We've moved beyond it. You're the same Greg Piss that fucked my wife. Different fella.

I swear to God. There's another guy, Greg Piss, going around fucking wives. Not me, Fel. Not me, mate. How do we get the weapon back? Some street urchin to go around and say that his name is Greg Piss. Oh, God, yeah. My name is Greg Piss, and I fuck all your wives.

You did good, kid. You did good. Nine-year-old kid. Flick him a gold. Standing at a bar stool somewhere. There's Greg Piss. Get him. He fucked my wife as well.

And a scarper. All right. No one's going to be a kid. You'll be fine. I punched three kids once. Just a slam. kids once oh well two of them were me own um so none of this solves the problem yeah getting into um so ethan's got it he's a drag drag dragon um now it seems that like so the gnomes wanted dwarves why the dwarves who the fuck were the dwarves by the way like the gnomes i can see because of their weapon why the dwarves. Why are the dwarves? Who the fuck are the dwarves, by the way? Like, the gnomes I can see because of their weapon. Why are the dwarves here?

You know that once a year, dwarven merchant company comes through to trade and stuff like that? It used to be this big celebration that you guys would do. There'd be, like, parades and... Remember the dwarf parades? Like, celebration? Oh, great. Yeah, they were. I fucking love the dwarf parade. Oh, man. This is actually kind of around the time of year that

they used to do it. Okay. They just happen to be here. Perhaps. So here's my question. Meat Pie, what are they doing at the orc camps now? I like that you're... The audience can't see this, but Zammett's doing like a gesture as if he's talking into an earpiece. Oh, no, it was a temple. I was doing Professor X.

I couldn't see it properly, so it looked like an earpiece to me. I like the earpiece better. Meat Pie, come in. Meat Pie? What's the orc encampment looking like earpiece better. Meat pie, come in. What are you saying, meat pie? Meat pie? What's the Orkin Cameron looking like, meat pie? Meat pie, come in. Oh, they're still having a punch on, aren't they? All right, here's my question.

All right, and I guess this is to you as well, Adam. Who's Eaton's greatest enemy? Who has it out for him the most, if anyone? So, give me the political map ethan is unfriendly with 90 of the militia right we hate him yeah you hate him because he like you say that you represent the people and he ruled with an iron fist so it's a bit you know like that the church gnomes and penia because once again they represent the people the blood cult kind of don't necessarily hate him but they're really big in the status quo right now yeah they

like that there's a lot of upset going on uh the orcs are obviously not friendly with anyone the halfling families are not friendly with him because half a little bit, they're a little bit like the chaos that's going on. And also like he was very racist towards them. He's a jerk. The sabers don't get along with him because they're fundamentally good and eaten fundamentally evil. So most of them basically. And yeah, that's everyone.

So he has no friends. Yeah. Well, I would say them that the people we want on our side right now, probably in the ones we can get, honestly, Militia, right, halfling families. We go chat to Little O, we say, hey, we need to get in, we gotta get that weapon you want. Ah, mate, what can you provide us? You know.

Triff on in, grab it. Maybe do we let Little O in on the saber plan so he doesn't think I'm fucking him? Whatever you need to sleep at night, mate. Yeah, sure. You tell him that you're going to give it to the Sabres to steal it back from them? Yeah. And then when it's stolen from him?

Ah, blah. Yeah, no, you're kind of setting yourself up for failure. Let's just not tell him. And look, mate, if need be, you can blame me. He's already got it in for me. Does he? Oh, yeah, but what do you do? What did you do?

Did you fuck his wife? Little? No, you fuck his wife? Little... No, you fucked his daughter. Oh, fucked his... No, his daughter. Oh, Jane. Gave her one. Yeah, right, so...

Gave her one. Right. So, he can blame it on me. That's fine. He's already mad. She's always so upset. I'm a good lover. Do I know some guys in the militia that'd be willing to help us on this particular...

Yeah. Plan? Alright. So, before that, also, what do we need from them to get to the place? Well, getting in's not going to be easy. You could ask a bunch of your closest buddies. Like, yeah, maybe ten people you reckon if you just

asked them, they'd help you out. Ten people who owe you a big enough favor. You could also like, you do have a lot of sway within the militia as well, so you could just ask the militia as well. So you could just ask the militia leader, let me get his name. What I'm thinking is if they distract him. Captain Seymour Tolton. That's a good name.

I could get Captain Tolton to help us out. If we can basically get him distracted at the gates, we can slip on in what are distracted with all the business happening outside. Al, if you've got people who are still good with eating, tell Eaton that something's wrong down at the docks. They've got to get out there. I've got no one who's good with Eaton. Nah.

Eaton's retreated into his keep with his personal guard. The personal guard were always separate to the town guard. You're not friends with any of them. They are, though. So I could definitely get you ten men or half-orcs

and one other race of thing. I don't know. No more. Like no more orc. And potentially more. Getting the ten guys would be easy because I just tell them I need their help. Or I was cashing in on the favor that I owe them from, that they owe me from whatever. Yeah. Getting the captain involved makes it harder because he'll want to know what we're doing.

And I can't lie to the captain very well. As an idea, if you wanted a distraction, you could speak with the, you know for a fact, I guess, that the gnomes and the dwarves have big weapons that they can hurl at enemies, so that's an idea as a distraction, but you would be betraying them. Okay, so? Because none of you are

planning necessarily on giving it to them straight away. Did anyone see, were we the only ones that saw the dragon take the weapon? Well, Were we the only ones that saw the dragon take the weapon? Well, we're the only ones that saw the dragon. Well, the gnomes and the dwarves were both there. So presumably if their people in that tent got out alive, they know. Whether or not the orcish leader is alive, maybe the orcs know.

What about this? Or that orc in the tent. You don't know that that was their leader. As little Tigil, or anyone in Laetai got like a boat because maybe if the dwarves and the gnomes are already fighting motherfucker whatever

in his keep then all we need is an escape. A driver as it were. Someone to get out of the back into the sea he trips us back to land. That's a good idea.

Because I mean we could see if can you send Meat Pie have a look see if there's anybody out the front of the castle. Alright. Or anybody giving it the grief.

If Meat Pie flies too close to the keep you'll lose your link. No. Meat Pie, have a look. See if there's anybody out the front of the castle. All right. Or anybody giving it the grief. If Meat Pie flies too close to the keep... Oh, you'll lose your link. No, Meat Pie will be shot out of the air. Oh, right. You know this already. Ah. They just don't like buds. But that's...

I mean, like, really... They are wary of this exact thing happening. Most people saw the dragon fly back there, right? And it seemed like I would have to assume... The militia would know that the dragon came out. Yeah, right? So people will be at the gate of Eden. Hopefully. You'd think. Right? And it seemed like I wouldn't have to assume. The militia would know that the dragon came out. Yeah, right? So people will be at the gate of Eton.

Hopefully, you'd think. Yeah? Yeah. What exactly do you mean? Well, if Eton's getting distracted and the gate's open, we can sneak on through, through the fray.

Can we go behind them? Maybe we get a boat. Yeah. Still one of the dwarves' boats. Go behind it and scale the walls. Yeah, right.

Could do that. So I'm kind of feeling, do we strike now or do we give it eight hours? Is time of the essence? You don't think the dwarves or the gnomes are going to be, they're probably both going to want to reconsolidate before they do anything because this was a big fight for everyone. I think we reconsolidate and then I can talk to my militia buddies and see if they'll be able to help us in any way, Shep. If you reconsolidate, it gives you can talk to my militia buddies and see if they'll be able to help us in any way, shape, or form.

If you reconsolidate, it gives you time. Yeah, right. Let's take a breather. Because also then, if they attack, then we just attack while they attack. So we just wait out. While they attack, then we just do our thing. Sneak on him. Yeah.

Right. So are you guys just going to head back into town? Is it good if we... Do you want to come to my place for dinner? Yeah, right. Yeah, I could go with some food. Absolutely. Yes. On the proviso

that I met you at the pub. Done. Right, yeah. And we got in a fight and I saved you both. The end. Right, yeah, I can. Done. Back that up. And if you don't say that story,

I will break your face with my hands. I figured. I assumed something like that would be the case. You all head back to Perwinkle's place. Each of you individually feeling that while maybe you're not 100% satisfied with the friends that you have allied yourself with, you understand that a lot of bigger factions are also vying for the same item, and you need as many friends as you can get right now. Yeah.

So you go back to, when you get to Perwinkle's place, the table's already been set out. Obviously, Perwinkle's wife was not prepared for two extra people, but there's plenty of orcish gulgoshic to go around. Yep. She makes the best gulgoshic in the town malicious city. Gulgoshic, incidentidentally, is sheep's bladder stuffed with

another sheep's bladder. Stuffed with hen's bladder. Delicious. I love it. With an egg cracked over the top. I enjoy it. I assume.

It's pretty good to be honest. If you like meat, it's good. It's great. Oh, it's delicious. It's bloody delicious. Don't overdo it. All right. Fair enough. What's bloody lovely. This is bloody delicious. Don't overdo it.

All right. Fair enough. What's his wife's name? Have it. Little G. Little G. Little G. Gragar or something.

Grogar? Gragan. Gragan. Gragia. Gragia. Gragia. Gragia. This is bloody lovely.

Mrs. O'Rourke will also suffice. Mrs. O'Rourke. Mrs. O'Rourke. Thank you. What were your O'Rourke. Mrs. O'Rourke. Thank you. What were your kids' names? Did you end up settling on a kid's name yet? I didn't name my kids yet. Would you like to?

Sure. Two girls. Two girls. This is Buttons. And Sweat Rock. My God. This is Greg. Classic strong, Orcish names

Unlike their father I suppose Right how are ya Sweatrock Buttons I was named after my dad These are my kids This is Greg

And Leo How you doing And my friends Off you go We met at a pub Yeah He saved us Yeah fights There was We met at a pub. Yeah. He saved us. Yeah.

Fights. There was a fight at the pub. He saved us. That's what I do. I guess so dinner's finished. Can you say bedtime? Bedtime, kids. He runs a tight ship.

They start kicking up a stink. One of them overturns her. They're like nine, ten. Oh, no overturns her. They're like nine, ten. Oh, no, orcs. They're like five, six. But that's equivalent. Yeah. One of them overturns the remains of her gulgoshik

and starts kind of throwing the half-orcish equivalent of a tantrum, as in throwing cutlery at people. Where's a loo? I just want to get out of this awkward situation. Don't have one. Oh, right. There's an outhouse. I'll go to the outhouse just to...

Your wife calms them down. I don't want to get... She gives you a sympathetic look. I'm trying. A sympathetic look. She's not expecting... She'll berate you later about other things Goodnight kids

Goodnight knock knock I mean knock knock Because she doesn't speak English Does knock knock live with you? Yes It's a busy house It is She's staying with us at the moment because my dad's off

She's out and around for a moment because my dad's off. She's out around for dinner. Yeah, right. It's Sunday night. Your papa and your... I think it was papi. Papi and... Sorry? Knock, knock.

Papi and knock. Your papi and knock, knock finish their meals. They leave you a little present for their grandkids. Thanks, mom and dad. They go home grandkids, for their grandkids. And then they, um, thanks mom and dad. They, they go home. Bye guys.

All right. I'll come back in at that point. Assuming that the, you can sleep on the couch, right? You can sleep on the couch. Oh, thanks.

Small. So, and it's a half old couch. Um, sweet. I'll see you in the morning for breakfast. Yes. Right. Breakfast. I wish we discussed any the morning for breakfast. Yes. Right.

Breakfast. I wish we'd discussed any kind of code before. Assuming that was code. Oh, you're just talking about breakfast. Your wife goes out the back to slaughter a pig for breakfast. As in like, yeah, you got to let it bleed. All right. No, I'm with you.

While she's there doing that, we're going to bed. We'll make it tomorrow. I'm going to go into work and you're going to come with me to help me with some stuff. We'll go from there. Alright, sure. If I wake up in the morning and stuff is stolen, I'll break both of you in half. I'm not stealing anything.

I have nice things. Is that maybe his wife telling you what? I like to imagine your house is like a little like... I go back, I got my own house, but I'm kind of terrified to leave. Your house is like very nice, very cosy, a bit comfy, but a lot of choices are like, hmm, there's the orc. Like a painting that you're pretty sure is painted in blood. You know those little...

Pretty sure. People have little like China statues in like a glass. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just that, but it's just slaughter. Bones and teeth. Right, lovely. And that's scalp. Yes, Israel, thank you so much for your hospitality.

I have a house. I can go there. Mate, fuck off if you want. I will. What? It's like the equivalent of a fridge drawing that your kids did, but it's got rat bones in it. Yeah.

Macaroni picture. It just shows a halfling being stomped on by a bear. I'm not comfortable sleeping. Alright, then I'll meet you at the militia tomorrow. Alright, see you tomorrow. See you around, man. I'm taking a couch. Alright. I had a home-cooked meal. That's rare. You're gonna have a home-cooked

meal tomorrow morning as well. Night, Piss Alright, night, Perry Piss, you go to sleep To the sounds of Per Winkle and his wife arguing upstairs Topics of conversation include You didn't get it for the church Who were those weird men? And why is one of them sleeping on our couch?

I didn't get it from the church It's a bit more complicated than that. I'm going to continue with this tomorrow. Those two guys were guys who were in trouble and I helped them and I'm pretty sure the one that smells like piss and is named piss is homeless. The fucking cheek. The fucking cheek. He'll be gone tomorrow.

It's okay. I blop you. Blop you too. That's the last sound you hear before they go to bed. It's like a concept like love, but it's not a direct translation. No, no, no. There's no word for love in Orkish. They made up their own word for each other.

Aww. At the end of the day, I like to imagine this as a loving relationship. Oh, no, it is. I feel like it's under stress right now because the city's each other. Aww. At the end of the day, I like to imagine this is a loving relationship. Oh, no, it is. It is. I feel like it's just under stress right now because the city's in chaos. Probably, yeah.

That makes sense. You've been working long hours. That's just life. You know, we're not gonna... It's not a broken relationship. It's quite loving. It's actually perfectly fine to sometimes we fight

because we're normal people. Yeah. Normal people fight. Thank you very much. I'd like to go to where I live I'm guessing above the restaurant I work at I was thinking that as well Except that's where Little O lives

So probably not So where would I live in Little Tigalai? I'm imagining an apartment building I was imagining him living in a fold out You know like a little cot in a storeroom No I'm imagining an apartment building In Little Tigalai Dingy apartment

Maybe with my gnome girlfriend store room? No, I'm imagining like an apartment building in Little Tegelai. Dingy apartment. Dingy apartment. You have to sneak in because you probably owe your landlord money. Maybe with my gnome girlfriend. Guys, things took a turn today. Your gnome girlfriend is not home. Damn it. Okay, you rolled to see if that... I didn't roll.

He just made the decision. A lot of gnomes, well, very few gnomes are in certain parts of the city right now. Han? We probably killed her. Did you see her on the battlefield today? Tonight? Maybe I punched through her face. Maybe she was one that fell off the plane and I punched a hole in her. Imagine. I was really

beginning to think things would go on places. Your apartment is so shitty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why would you choose to go back to that shitty apartment when you had a bed? I imagine there was a nice roaring fire that I'm sleeping in. Absolutely. I'm imagining a poor gnomish contraption that's like a fan slowly circling around. Just sparking off.

It's like... Smelling like diesel. You know, 70s style, like lino on the floor, a bit peeling up. But hey, it's whatever. There's some tin spaghetti. You can hear faintly downstairs the... Of the gunpowder engine that powers anything in this building. If your life was any worse, your gnome girlfriend would, like, when you open the door, she'd

have a baby jiggling on her knee and be like, where the fuck have you been? I don't know what fucking time it is. Oh, God, I almost want that to happen. Adam? No, no, no. You do take out, like, a beer, maybe, from somewhere? Yeah. Yeah, just a...

You don't have a fridge, because the technology is not that great. Nah, fair. Have a beer and a can of, like... Maybe, yeah, an icebox. Cold spaghetti. Sad. Yep, and and a can of cold spaghetti. Sad. Yep, and eat it out of the tin. Spaghetti, a traditional halfling meal.

I'm allowed to make Italian jokes because that's my heritage. Exactly. Damn right. Maybe a pastizia too. Ah, the dream. No, pastizia strictly gnomish. Can I wake up early to make coffee for his family? Sure. She was thinking I was weird.

So when we get better again, am I back to being 77? Oh, no. It's in increments. It's rough. So, Per Winkle, you recover, well, you normally recover seven hit points after a rest. But your wife, who is very used to you coming home wounded, knows how to treat wounds. Happened again.

She bumps it up to 14, but then she also has some herbal remedies from her side of the family. So I'm going to say you recover in total 14 plus 9, so 23 hit points. That's pretty good. Nice. What am I on, dude? 35.

Thank God. What do I recover? Any? Well, at some point during that night, his wife also came down or helped you out. Probably before they went up to bed or anything like that. So you recover 14 hit points. You're a darling, Mr. O'Rourke.

You should have stayed at our house. I got my own healing. You were sent home with some of their herbal remedies So you recover 7 plus Thank you for the hospitality 9 So you recover 16 hit points No no no I feel like maybe even if you do have a baby

You just came home to a note Being like I'm living with my mother And you're like ah what am I doing Again I'm doing alright I'm living with my mother, and you're like, ah, what am I doing? Again. Doing all right. Hey, Uncle, your strength is 16. Leo, your... Not Leo.

Pierce, your constitution is 11. All right. That's all right. We're always back to normal. Not health-wise, but strength-wise. Mine's got a while to go. My con is 14. In the morning, I want to write, leave a note. Strength-wise, mine's got a while to go. My con is 14 normally.

In the morning, I want to write, leave a note. Dear, I don't know, what's a gnomish lady name? Dear. Either or. Flip. Dear Flip. Flip. Yeah. Flip Sham Rock.

I like that. I'm thinking Flip Sham is the first name. Rock is the last name. Yeah, that's what I was imagining. Rock'm thinking Flip Sham is the first name. Rock is the last name. Yeah, that's what I was imagining. Rock is surname. Sham is child name. Flip is adult name. Dear Flip Shamrock, if you're reading this, I guess you're alive.

And then just kind of like working things out. See you soon. X out. See you soon. X out. You go to leave the note and you see a note on the mantelpiece. Oh, no. You open that. Leo, I didn't want to wake you. There's some food in the kitchen.

Things are good in your life. That's good, man. We all have functional relationships except for Greg. I've got several functional relationships. I am a functional man. We all have functional relationships, except for Greg. I've got several functional relationships. I am a functional relationship. Thank you very much. I want to go to my restaurant, say I'm taking the day off.

If anyone asks why... Little Little, who is Little Low's son, is currently managing the kitchen. And when you say you're taking the day off, he comes out and he says, you, uh, taking the day off? Yes.

You look a little hurt. Where were you last night? At the docks. For a little. I know. For Papa, it's working on it. Alright. He gives you the eye as you leave. Working on it, little, little. I'll wake up early and I'll fix everyone

coffee. Giuseppe will take over my cover machine. It's okay. Antonio is alright. He's good. He's good. And if he can't make it, I'm sure Chris will. Good boys. Good, honest. Gragia wakes up first, Perwinkle, and in your half, like, sort of awake state, And if he can't make it, I'm sure Chris will. Good boys. Good. Honest. Gragia wakes up first, Perwinkle.

And in your half, like, sort of awake state, you are aware of her, like, kissing you on the cheek and saying, come downstairs when you're ready. I get up, check out my wounds. I'm doing all right. With the, yeah, with the herbal remedy that your wife applied, you're doing a bit better than you would be normally. You're still not feeling up to strength. Look in the mirror and I'm like, you got this big guy. You've got this.

And then just back to neutral. Who's knock-knock's favorite orc? Who's knock-knock's favorite boy? In the other room, you hear your wife getting your two daughters up. Go downstairs and, uh, make some coffee ready for you, I guess. Oh, coffee. Just thought I'd, you hear your wife getting your two daughters up. Go downstairs and get some coffee ready for you, I guess. Just thought I'd make you guys a cup of coffee.

Felt like maybe off on the wrong foot beforehand, Ms. O'Rourke. Just want you to know I'm a stand-up guy. Have a coffee, enjoy. Good morning, everyone. Your wife, with a very surprised expression, surprised and cautious expression, accepts the coffee. I also take the coffee with the same look of wary acceptance.

It's not poisoned enough. I put the coffee back because it said it's not poisoned or nothing. Right, so we gotta... Gragia says an expression to you in Orcish that roughly translates to

be a good host and then she drinks the coffee I drink the coffee it's not awful and I tell you exactly that this coffee is not awful well done, let's go how far away is the little teagulai from the militia

little teagulai? you're bordering each other I'll hang on a little, go make like three coffees the little teagull eye from the militia? Little teagull eye? Yeah. You can see it on the map there. Yeah, you're bordering each other. Oh, cool. Can I just... I'll hang on, little, little. Go make, like, three coffees. And just take them. I'll be back.

Let it... Little, little gives you such a stink eye as you leave. Just take them away, little, little. They don't have takeaway cups. You're taking their, like,

fucking china with you. Take them away. Except they wouldn't be called china. You're taking their elven with you as Take on them away. Except it wouldn't be called china. You're taking their elven with you as you leave. Get out the good elven. I've got mugs too. I have a gremlin mug and a pitcher made of clay. That elven is for if the king priest comes.

You bring out the wood elven tonight, all right? I use the shitty wood elven mugs then. Whatever the crap I like to think all of it is tacky it's all odd as well like it's like you're at your nan's place I always imagine that the

restaurant he works at is the kind of restaurant that you would go to if you're in Little Tegla and you're like oh let's stop at this nice little halfling restaurant but then you go in and you're like why is everyone staring at us you're not locals it's clearly a front like

you know restaurants like that yep yep is there like a it's like that but the food is amazing oh yeah is there like something I can eat in the way

like a Danish or a pastry or something they probably have yeah what do we make get more of a stink eye from little little they probably have

like breakfast pasties I'll grab one breakfast pasty eat that cast mage hand carry the coffees, see you in a little time. I like that Mage Hand is not an extra hand. You know that it requires you to manipulate your hand, however.

I guess you could hold two coffees like that. You can do it. Wait, the pasty, toss it in your mouth. It's fine. It'll be vaccinated in a little. Can I walk behind him And as we walk to the militia Steal apples for breakfast

From carts You actually have breakfast At this place You have cereal With meat flakes in them Yum It was cereal with pig and milk With bacon

That's good for you Good for the ticker And if you do steal apples I'll smack them out of your hand And punch you in the face I was going to do it Without you looking That's the plan

But that's fine Alright we're heading to the militia But we're not going to see the captain We're going to do it without you looking. That's the plan, but that's fine. We're heading to the militia, but we're not going to see the captain. We're going to see my mates first. All right. That's a good plan. And we're just going to tell them that Eden has a dragon and that we need their help to stop him using the dragon to basically seize control of the city.

Before you leave, though, Gragio once again kisses you on the cheek and whispers when she does that, Be good. I'll try. Can I give his two daughters? I have got gifts for you. I want to give one a hunk of cheese and one a chunk of meat.

They accept them. Buns is lactose intolerant, so give the cheese to Sweat Rock. They seem like a little, you know, hesitant to do it until Gragia says again in Orcish, be a good host. They both accept excellent let's chuff along

let's go I want to meet up with them boys I assume you meet up in a market

somewhere you've prearranged bought you some coffees there you go alright so we're going to

go to my militia buddies we're going to ask the ten buddies that I've got to see if they'll help us stop eating

this dragon that way we don't and if we still want more people I can try to persuade the captain because of my relationship with him you've got to see if they'll help us stop Eaton's dragon. Yep. That way we don't and then if we still want more people I can try to persuade the captain because of my relationship

with him. You're on pretty good grounds with them all. So if I said we need to storm Eaton's castle because he's got a dragon and I think he's going

to seize power again the captain would be on board with that. Well you don't know but you reckon you have a chance at convincing him. Like a discussion.

Yeah. I'll get my ten guys and then I'll go have a meeting with the captain. Alright. Meet back here in an hour. Or you want to go to

Light Eye see if they're going to help us get involved? Like, probably just come from the DL's camp. Yeah, right. Keep them a DL.

You can come with me then. Go on a free date. You can come with me if you want. Alright, yeah. Well, what are the militia and I?

You might be arrested on spot depending who. Probably Vassar by Anglo. You know. We'll arrest you, but if I'm vouching for you, you probably won't get arrested. We could take that risk. Like, you're kind of already asking a big favor. You probably don't want to push it.

You should stay here, piss. I'll stay here. We'll stay here. You go to the militia. I think we should You should stay here, Pierce. I'll stay here. We'll stay here. You go to them, Lisha. I think I should check in with Flora, really. Probably. It's a thing. Yeah, I might check in with Flora.

That's all the same to you guys? I might. Oh, if you're doing that, it's me back in an hour. Yeah, right. Give it an hour. I might go check in on Flip. Pierce. Yeah, right?

While you guys are having this conversation, you're maybe looking over Leo's shoulder, and you see in the crowd, trying to look well, looking very nonchalant but he looks up and makes eye contact with you, Father Ralph Moroney. Right, so I'm going to take off

I'm going to shoot I'll meet you back here in an hour. Sound good? Sounds good. Alright, I've run not run, but briskly walked. Just me or did he look like he was running away from someone bad? I know, I'm walking too far, the Moroni. All right, cool. When he walks towards him, he turns and walks, obviously, leading.

All right, you want to go meet your mates? I'm going to go meet my mates. And where are you going? I might go check in on the gnome, see how flip sham is. But I want to sit outside the militia, still drinking a coffee. I want to smoke a cigarette, kind of like this. You know how most people smoke like that? Two fingers like that.

Kind of holding it, pointing it down, so you're trying to hide the cigarette. Kind of like the way a very stressed person might smoke a cigarette. Yeah, you can wait at the front of the militia, and if anyone comes and tries to hurt you, just yell real loud and I'll come out and punch them. I'll just work in... I'm going to go check on the gnomes.

All right. I think we'll start where? Parawinkle? Cool, cool. The militia are operating right now out of Captain... Seymour. Yeah, Captain Seymour Tolton's place. His place of residence is where their headquarters is.

You go in there. He's got a very nice stately-ish sort of building. He was well-to-do before everything happened. People like him. He's very popular because he was kind of the ruling elite, but he was a nice guy, which was very rare. So he has a lot of sway in the town, and the town militia naturally formed towards him you've got a pretty good relationship with him you're both friendly yep you're feeling pretty good coming in it's busy very busy day today yeah uh you haven't contacted those 10 buddies ahead of time so you're gonna

have to grab them each individually yep which isn't too much of a problem but how would you like to approach this like everyone gather together in the break room, talk to them individually? If I gather them all in the break room, I think I might do it individually and tell them to meet us later. Yeah? My strategy is, and feel free to shoot this down, lads. My strategy would be to talk to them individually, get them on side first, so that if I can't get the captain to agree, I've at least got these ten guys. That's clever.

How far will Periwinkle's influence at the town militia go? Find out next time on Jaren's Outpost Hustle, a D&D is for Nerds adventure. Thanks for listening. If you want to help support the show, why not become a member at SandsPantsPlus.com and get early access to our shows, a bunch of exclusive content and much, much more. That's SandsPantsPlus.com. D content. We have just what you need to scratch that itch. D&D is for nerds plus the symbol, not the word where you can listen to select campaigns that were once only available to sans pants plus members. The further adventures of the gray hill free company. If you want shorter

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