D&D is For Nerds - Jarren’s Outpost: EE #12 Greaseboy

Episode Date: April 12, 2025

In the face of war what is the price of peace? How do you avoid the mistakes of your predecessor? Can there truly be peace with no bloodshed? On the eve of the final battle for the cities soul Perriwinkle O'Rourke makes the most difficult sacrifice of his life, Leo Shadow is reminded of his place in the world, and Gregg Piss wipes away a little more debt. Meanwhile, wrapped around the cities keep, the great Dragon. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Jaren's Outpost is a bustling city located in the nation of Goldcrest. A nation that nobody cared about until the king was slain by a bunch of adventurers. Unfortunately, adventurers did what adventurers do, and they didn't think of the consequences of killing a powerful tyrant, and they promptly left the citizens of Goldcrest to figure it out for themselves. For now, Jaren's Outpost is a melting pot of religions, criminals, politics and paranoia, with everyone keeping everyone else in check. But all that's about to change. Welcome to the Enhanced Edition of Jaren's Outpost.

Alright, we're going to go to the Sabres and convince them to fart eating. Are you bringing piss? No! Ah, no. What's happening with piss then? What's happening with this then Yeah, what's happening with piss we let him go. You're free to do whatever you want. Oh Wait, don't go to eatin

Why would I don't know? I don't know what you would do a guard comes in to the jail cells with you guys I excuse me, sir. He likes startles as he walks into the zone of truth I feel weird. Um, sir there's a thing you should probably deal with. There's an elf out the front. He keeps trying to get down here. We've got him restrained but... Oh right, yeah I know what that might be. You know what that might be? Eaton thought it was a good idea to give me a ghost.

Why? A ghost. I didn't want it, I told him not give me a ghost. Why? A ghost. I didn't want it. I told him not to, but he did. And then to get rid of the ghost, I also put it in a fella in another elf. He's wounded, sir. I think this might be of the essence. Well, this can't lie.

Is he dead? Surgeon? I don't know. He wasn't dead when I put a ghost in him. He's alive and put a ghost in him. I think he walked through the No Man's Land. He looks like he's been torn apart by the Gnomish weapon. Okay, so he's a zombie.

Yeah, right, well I guess a zombie you call it then. Do you know what sort of entity is possessing him? Uh, like a soul? Can you describe the soul? Just like wisps. Will the creature follow your orders? Yeah, it yeah, but then we could just order it down Yeah, but what if eaten is like well now I'm grabbing control again I'm well if we could at least trick it somewhere. Yeah, I'm gonna send it anything under the church any

Crypts, oh do you want to fuck up? Hey Hey Hey piss Hey. Hey. Hey. Piss. Can you send it to see Papa Surefoot? Yeah, righto. I'm on Tide, yeah?

Yeah. Alright, I'll wander downstairs to it. Upstairs. We got with you, by the way. It's in the main office. It's being pinned by like four guards. When it sees P piss, it like, ah, tries to get up. Hello, hello.

One of its arms snaps as it struggles. The Gnomish machine gun has cut it nearly in half. Oh, God. Oi, Gary. We named it Gary. Oh. Yeah, right. Can you go to Papa's sure foot?

Fuck him up. The guards look at you, perimical, as the guard's sitting on the ghost as you were they get off the creature gets up turns about and walks away. That's that then. Give me the exact wording. Can you get a pop of sure foot? Fuck him up. I really hope it gets there and just starts like trying to penetrate him him upwards just humping him into the air Adams like yes cool all right welcome to my sex venture all right right could we take on the Sabres can we take on the Sabres yeah no we want them to help us with eating yeah I don't know if we can take on an

army of undead without them Look, I know you don't like them and I fair enough, but if we can get peace to this town we can try and negotiate Something with them who ends up in charge but a gnomes go But they take the weapon with them. Yes, right. So the weapons gone the plan, right? So it ends out gnomes out, who's left in charge? So it's the church and us. The church don't want to take control of the city. No, no, but it's the town guard working with the church.

Yeah. Yeah. To bring order and peace. That would put... So you... Me. Would that make me in charge of the town? You're in charge. Basically, you would be in charge. Fuck, that's scary.

Something that I realised quite a while ago that you're slowly realising. If the town guard takes command, you're in command of the town guard. Yeah, I guess I'm the boss. Well, you fuck off to the Sabres then. Um, I'm gonna go pub. Hey, Wednesday. Yeah? Do you wanna follow Piss? He can go in a pub with me. Sure. At a distance. Alright. I'll have a couple drinks with Piss. Sure. Alright. Let's get some horses,

go to the Sabres. Alright, you ride out to, I believe it's called Fort White. Should be marked there on the western side. Oh, and when when you enter you can see the signs of like the white sabers kind of making this area their own. You've heard reports that they've begun trying to gather taxes from the local people and like I said before they've begun conscripting locals as well. There's a lot of actual white sabers willing about but you see some people who are in ill-fitting uniforms and stuff like that quite obviously conscripts. You get to the gates to the smorky and two guards hold you up. Halt! Who goes there? Commander Periwinkle O'Rourke of the town guard. I wish to have an audience

with your boss. The guards stand aside. One of them calls up. Watch! A guy on the wall leans over and yells, Watch here! Who are we letting in? Commander O'Rourke! The doors, Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr with us too. Yes. Did we bring any of the town guard with us? You can if you want. Yeah, maybe two or three. Just a nice little posse. Yep. You ride in. It's a very small sort of little keep here.

It's just a secondary. It was once a guard house, but it had to be abandoned in the riots and the white sabers moved in. There's evidence of that around as well. You can see where banners for the town guard were hung up and then taken down, moved aside, and banners for the white sabres were put up.

Yeah, this is really good. I'm so happy to be here. In the courtyard... Fine, Perry. ..you meet, for the first time, the very stern and slightly battle-scarred face of Paladin Commander Evelyn Plain. Hey. Greetings, Commander. I didn't realise the town guard had already replaced Moroni, was it?

Yeah, Moroni turned out to be Blood Cult, so we replaced him pretty quick. I heard that. I stabbed him. Did they stop doing their sacrifice in the streets, the Blood Cult? No. We should probably do something about that, aye? We should, yes. Why have you come here, Commander?

Alright. We have information gained under a zone of truth that Eden is amassing an undead army. Let's cut to the chase here. If I may. Yes. You want my assistance defeating Eden, defeating the blood cults, and perhaps even withdrawing

from the Gnomes, yes? I want your help taking down Eton. We can handle the Blood Cult. She's my ass. But you wouldn't mind my help, would you? Look at Leo. A need. A strength.

I'm gonna punch this woman in the face. This is what my face says to Leo. Look, we are aware that the gnomes are leaving. Mm-hmm. They are going to take their weapon. Now, with them left, the only person here who is going to cause any disruption to this beautiful city of ours is Eton. Mm-hmm.

And we know that he has an army of dead and an army of spectres. This beautiful city of ours is eaten. And we know that he has an army of dead and an army of spectres as well as being a dragon. We can throw our own men. Also, he's a fucking dragon. We can throw our own men at him, but we will just die. You are a holy order and you are here to protect us from evil. Yeah. So what we are asking for is a truce, potentially an alliance, but I will happily and Perry here is happy to settle for a truce that we take down Eden and if you help us with the blood cult even though we can definitely do it by ourselves. Definitely do it by ourselves. I don't need help with the blood cults. But

it would make it easier. I guess. We got help from the sabers. Perhaps when the dust settles we agree to peace talks, to negotiations that together maybe we can take out the orcs at the docks, maybe even, I am on very, very good terms with the dwarven Commodore, that we can take back the docks and then once and for all Jaren's outposts can know peace and we can finally get back to how things used to be. finally get back to how things used to be. So, several points. First one, you're not the only one with dwarves in France. I also happen to know the Commodore. Incidentally, he wishes to your Leo Shadow. Yes. He wishes to tell you that he unfortunately cannot stay. He also informed me that the orcs are not actually massing at the gates for

an invasion. They're massing at the gates because they are slowly making their way into Damien Eaton's compound. They have, I assume, reached some sort of agreement together. So the orcs and Eaton are working together. Well then, I guess... Well, it will be the Damien Eden to your orcs then. So, I offer you two solutions to your Sabres problem. The first solution, your champion, I assume you, will face our champion, me, in a single round of fair combat. Not to the death, just to the winner.

If we win, we remain. And we get to do whatever we want to do without worrying about your town guard busying us. Don't worry, we won't break any local laws, but we're here to stay. If you win in this little round of combat, we leave, gone, out of your hair forever. Alternatively, you can swear allegiance to our God, Lady Willow. If you do that, I will swear an oath of allegiance to you. I will obey your every order and your every action so long as it falls within the purview of Lady Willow. That means that we will back off from the Gnomes, not seek their weapon, and we will help you against the blood cult, against Eton, against the

orcs to the best of our ability. So right now you want to fight one on one? I assume he's going to take the fight but I offer you the option to convert to our faith. Clara stiffens when the idea of converting pops up. Hey, Rourke, even if we win we lose. Because if we win we leave. What if we change the terms of the fight? To?

If I win you have to help us before you leave. I find that unacceptable. Please, if we, what are the tenets of Lady Willow? There are three tenets. The first one is you must uphold the good. So a very broad statement, a lot of flexibility there. The second one is you must protect the innocent. No innocent non-combatant can come to harm under your command. And the third is you must respect Lady Willow's commandments.

So a convert of Lady Willow may sometimes get messages directly from the Lady. You must obey them. Regardless, I understand that she, like, inspects her fingers as she says this. I understand that conscripts was not our best idea. You've given us a no-win- Conscript was the dumbest idea you've ever had, you dumb woman. What was your name again, sir? Evelyn Plain. Paladin Commander Evelyn Plain.

Like I said, Evelyn Plain. Sorry, Evelyn Plain. You've given us a no-win situation here. If I convert, you work with me and follow every order I give. Provided it is under those three tenets, to the letter, and in the spirit that you gave the order. So I uphold the rule, protect the innocent, I mean that's pretty much what we're doing anyway, ye? Can I have a moment to talk with my council?

Absolutely. She waves and all of her soldiers back off to give you guys room to talk. I really want to fight her. I fucking knew you would! Clara says, fight her. No. This is the best way to get them out of here. Is there anything the Nobles of Penny can do about the undead?

Well we're not bad at fighting them, but we're not this militarised force. They'll do a lot better job than we ever could. I'm sorry Clara, but if they leave, might just be sending the the best thing that we have against he if you have any secret weapons any God powers anything now's the time to tell us about it because at the moment the same is the best shot We have the only thing we're hiding is about a hundred gnomes beneath our temple, and we can't throw them with the undead Well, we could be cool to bed you know, they're gonna do much. Peri, if you convert, this Evelyn plane will swear allegiance to you.

You can then say, fine, you only get a certain section of this city. You can say she gets no section of this city. I can tell her to leave, could I? You can then tell her to leave. You can put her out of the way if you want to. I can command all the sabers to leave Yes, if you wanted to and then just just give up my conversion well Then you have a problem. Yeah, but they're gone

But lady lady willow will know and then lady willow will inform Evelyn because lady like gods are real It and you don't want these people sieging this town after we maybe have just gotten this back. Our best option here, and I know you don't want to do this, is to convert. I wanna fight them so bad. Why don't then convert? Hey, can I fight and then convert?

I mean, like, I suppose, yeah. What will that achieve? You get a good fight then he can convert? well Why can't I end to do a go share terms with lady with lady? What's my lady Willow? No, I've not Oh Evelyn plane. Yeah, we wait what why would why wouldn't you accept my bloody if I bet you you have to do what I say That's not how it works Clara says it's Bloody, if I bet you, you have to do what I say. That's not how it works. Clara says, it's a smaller tenant,

but it's within their big list of tenants that a paladin cannot accept orders from anyone other than Lady Willow herself or a fellow convert. What if you convert? I'll happily convert. Yo, Evelyn. Yes? What if Leo converts?

Is Leo the captain of the town guard? I'm a deputy. He's the deputy. Making captain for a bit, I'll be underst- Whatever, I'm not there. What if I made him captain? In charge? Permanently?

Well- My eyes go very wide. Until he dies. My eyes go wider. What a loaded statement! Fuck. What the fuck? Get the hell statement. Fuck. No. I only extend this offer to you because of your reputation. I will only accept your conversion. If we fight her and win we lose. If we fight her and lose we lose. Don't you understand this? No, no we don't. I don't have to leave. It just keeps the status quo, really. If we fight...

They're not the only hope. They're just the best hope. They'll also take out the zombies, because I imagine Eaton will come for them too. We don't know. They're not in position to fight them though. The zombies will swarm a lot of the town first. And she's already gotten off on a fucking high horse and said that they won't do anything to help.

Clara? Hm? Do you remember? I wasn't great at church. Let's not beat around it. Gragge was the religious one. I'm kinda just there. But that'd be fair. Clara starts not staring at you, but staring just over your shoulder, like a dead expression.

Yes. And that... Yes. And that sometimes a good man has to make what sounds like the wrong decision for the right reasons? Do what you need to do. Evelyn. Yes. I can't believe I'm about to say this. Sign me up.

Evelyn smiles. It's not like a cocky smile or a smirk or anything like that. She smiles genuinely and warmly for the first time that you've ever seen her. She seems happy. Yes, I'd love to. I still don't like you. We don't have to like each other to work together. She's got a point. Yeah, not fair. I don't like you much either, but I do respect you.

All right. Do you want me to convert or like? Doesn't matter. We don't need the little one to convert. Okay. Fuck, that was such a hard decision over something that is just not real. An imaginary religion.

Oh, fuck, I got so sweaty. Fuck, yeah. Bring it on, bring it on. You're taken to a small chapel within the keep. A select group of people are arranged here. Clara sits right up the back, arms folded, pouting. Quite upset. I'll be next to Clara.

I'm so sorry. A bowl of a light blue flaming is brought out by the priest. He wears deep, beautiful blue and purple robes. He says, I, I, Periwinkle O'Rourke, commander of, commander of the town guard of Jaren's outpost, hereby swear, hereby swear, that I will follow all tenants laid down for me by Lady Willow. That I will follow all tenants laid down for me by Lady Willow. I will be honourable. I will be honourable.

I will be just. I will be just. I will be caring when needed. I will be caring when needed. I will be brave when called upon. I will be brave when called. I will be caring when needed. I will be brave when called upon I will be brave when called upon and above all above all I will be a just man I'll be a just man a fair ruler a fair ruler dunk your head Dunk your head. Oh, you want me to do it, please?

Beringle dunks his head The water is warm it feels like it should be hot, but it's just a gentle warmness. When you come back up, you feel an energy within you, something like a wind entering your lungs, filling you up. You feel strong. You feel brave. Oh yeah. Rise, convert.

What is your name? Periwinkle O'Rourke. Commander. Of the town guards of Jaren Outpost? You are? Reborn. OK. He just used for you to turn around.

You turn around, the small gathering of the subcommanders and Evelyn all start giving you a little applause. I just stare at Clara the whole time. She looks five feet above your head. Um... Evelyn gets up, she draws her sword, lays it at your feet and kneels before you on the altar as the cleric behind you rests a small crown on your brow.

Oh, I have a pretty crown now. Oh, hello, ladies. The cleric says, you may draw your sword and knight her. Feel free to utter whatever oath you think appropriate. I don't use silver steel. Because Commander wouldn't be okay with that. I'm gonna go pop my gauntlets. Ha ha ha ha! Psh, pssh!

And just put them on her shoulders? I swear to you, she looks up, I will be your faithful servant servant as you are Lady Willows good everyone stands off and begins applauding she gets up picks up her sword and she said what do you command I command you to help us take down eaten where would you have us I'm gonna the Keep. She turns around to her sub-commanders, make the preparations. They rush off. And release the conscripts.

Oh, shit yeah. And step away from the gnomes! Well yes, we'll be redeploying those troops. Good. From the Keep, from this small chapel, you look out through the window and you can see that the battle lines around the gnomish section are already disappeared. It looks like they were gone before you even had the conversation with Evel. Fuck.

Got you. Alright, I'm now a Saber. Yeah, give you the thumbs up. Is one of the Tenants that I have to like being a Saber? You're not a Saber, she says. You're merely the tenants that I have to like being a Saber? You're not a Saber, she says. You're merely a follower of Lady Willow. We are Sabers.

Good. Alright, we leave. Go back to the town's guard. You notice on your way back, two Saber Knights flank you on either side as a Vanguard. Should we try? Before we go. You done it. Do that.

Is Clara like 10 meters away Clara will not step within any feet of them Clara like me do you want to go back to the chapel and try and arrange then the absolutely knows To you you get as far as do you want to go back and she says yes, you do that I'll go to the town guard will really together and we'll start trying to clear out as many blood cultists as we can on the way to the shorefoots. I'm coming with you. Okay. Clara can just go organise the gnomes then.

Clara, before you go. Yes? Look at me. She doesn't. Unfortunately, I'm not your militaristic puppet. I'm not asking you as a militaristic puppet, I'm asking you as a friend. She looks at you Do you would you want a piece?

Not at any cost unfortunately Peace always as a cost She nods. All right, then tell Gregor. I'm okay. I will All right Let's go fuck up some sure for. Piers, do you have plans? Do you have a plot? Or are you just gonna go drink?

Well here's the thing, you know, I've got no more frats on me life. Cause Eaton, yeah, but that's been taken care of. But remember, your shadow dies, you die. No one's attacking me shadow currently. That's true. I assume you get to the pub without plots? Yeah, I don't really have any plots anymore I'm largely Schemeless, I think because we put you in the truth and just took everything away from you you went fucking thanks

Well, I want to chips to play but you only got the one chip that someone else has I suppose Oh, do I have to betray left? What do I get out betraying these two? Nothing when you're walking towards the pub I'm so sorry pissed. You have to walk like through a small little park area that's kind of shaded and isolated. Wednesday's with you though. Wednesday, who is walking behind you, you hear him say, oh, you hear the sound of a weapon being drawn. You spin around, Wednesday is slowly drawing his sword, he says, oh, the quiet knives give you their regards. Oh! Can I pass? sword he says oh the quiet knives give you their regards oh can I say was the

mole I thought the quiet knives had been taken care of but I guess not he tries to stab you ah ah yes you take five points of damage yeah I'll fight this guy in the park that's fine so wait if I attack with invisibility on I yeah it ruins it all right confusion lesser confusion right there it is I do just enjoy that you were like no I'm just gonna have a good time and I think as soon as the words I'm gonna have a good time come out of your mouth I'm sorry Greg piss I'm afraid I can't I can't let you have a good time Greg piss the I'm sorry piss but I can't let you do that Adam open

the door I'm sorry piss you see the effects of Lesser Confusion pass over Wednesday's face? He just turns around and sprints away from you. Oh, right, he's leaving? Well, that's what the confusion has affected him. When somebody's got fear, are they running to a specific place? They just run away from the cast member. Yeah, I'll chase him down, I'm gonna beat the shit out of him with my loot.

You chase after him? You swing, but he's running too fast? It's his turn? Everyone else has been fucking swing, but he's running too fast. It's his turn Everyone else has been fucking pretty you know on the level. He keeps running you run off take a soul Take a shadow. I have a quite nice. I forget surgical with it. That's just gratuitous. He stops and starts Side of the head no no clocking he goes down He's not dead. He's just knocked out cold bleeding on the ground Oh sweet. Um, do I have anything to tie him up with? He has handcuffs I'll cuff him. I'll cuff him around a tree cuff him around a tree stabilize him. Yeah, he's fine All right, and I'll wait for him to wake up eventually after a little while he wakes up

Word of quietness. I don't know, he says. He'll have to beat it out of me, I suppose. That's a weird proposition. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Well, so you're just not gonna tell me? I just don't know. Yeah, well, um... Just charm person on him. It didn't work. Right. Is it just you? Yeah. Alright, so you're the only one? Does that seem like he's telling the truth?

Yeah, you believed it. Straight away. Fuck, that was good. You can't tell. He could be telling the truth though. Keep charming him, mate. Yeah, try charm person again. I can brute force this. He shakes his head. Your little spells don't work on me mate. Let's try one more time. I like they come with finger guns. He like blanks out for a second.

Can I help you? Right. Oh and the sarc sarcastic, can I help you, was it? No, it seemed genuine this time. Cool. Do I know where these dickheads have gone? Presumably to talk about the sabres. They did mention it a couple times. Yeah, right, right, right. Well, I'll uncuff him from the tree and then cuff him.

He grabs his sword and attacks you. Ah, goddammit. Got me good. On your Wednesday, I knew there was a reason I liked you. He tries to stab upwards but you dodge out of the way. DARREN I'll cast invisibility on myself. BAJO Alright, take a step back, cast invisibility.

He tries to swing where he thinks you are. DARREN Here's nothing but air. BAJO I'd like to climb a tree. DARREN Alright. He keeps searching for you but eventually you're up the tree. BAJO Cool. DARREN Eventually he stops swinging, sheaths his sword, looks around and then he heads off.

Cool. I will sneakily follow him to see where the hell his destination's gonna be. I got something of a bone to pick with the quiet knives. Funnily enough, they probably have several bones to pick with you. They're gonna take him out. Yeah. He's like walking just through the city. He gets to a tavern somewhere in the Blood Cult area.

It's getting...it's kinda quiet quiet here, like not suspiciously so. It just like looks like maybe the Blood Cult's starting to burn themselves out. Yep, he finds a tavern. The lucky duck enters in there. Can I see in through the window who's in the tavern? Uh the tavern's pretty sparse. Out at the front of the tavern or around the side or anything is there like one of the quiet knife vehicles because i feel like i'd recognize that if i'm recognizing anything yeah around the back you spot a carriage that you know belongs to one of them does it seem like it's occupied there's a driver sitting on it why not around the corner charm person the guy like stiffens suddenly turns around around. Who's there? Uh... Just a friend passing by.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, right. Does it seem like I've got him? Yeah. Cool. Right, swap clothes with me. Excuse me? Yeah, can we swap clothes? You're much larger than me, mate. Yeah, well, we'll figure it out. He starts unbuttoning his shirt and stuff like that. Cool. I'd like to swap as much clothes with him

so that I look a little bit like him. You can't put his clothes on, he's a halfling, you're a human. Ah, damn, I'm too short. Alright, well fuck off, it's my carriage now. Go take a piss. Yeah, fair, he takes out like a cigarette, lights it as he walks away. Cool, I'd like to cast Alter Self on myself, make myself look like that guy, get in front of the carriage.

Now I can wear his clothes. I've already made myself look like him, I unless I didn't need to swap clothes with him. The back door to the tavern opens and two quiet knives you recognize come out. One of them has this wicked scar down the side of his face and you can tell that he is with Papa Quietknife, the leader of the Quietknife family. Wonderful. Papa Quietknife has a dagger in one hand and a handkerchief in the other, both of which are slightly bloody and he's wiping the dagger off with his handkerchief. Cool. They just kill Wednesday?

Probably. They're talking in... do you know Halfling? No. Any common in Orcish. They're talking in Halfling, you don't understand them. Why do you know Orcish? I don't know. They both hop into the carriage.

In the streets, yeah. And the one with the scar, as he hops into the carriage, he looks at you and says something in Halfling. I should give him a nod with my hat, like tip my hat at him, give him a nod, don't say anything. Alright, they're both climbing. Alright, where are we, by the way? You're in the blood cults. If you show me the map, point exactly.

Who's in the docks? The docks are like a bed. We're just gonna be unoccupied. Hopefully the gnomish city are gonna... RAD You know what? I'm just gonna get the horses coming full-pelted to a wall and then leap out. GOOSE Horses aren't that dumb, they'll stop before they get to a wall. RAD Can I go full-pelted to a wall and then unhitch the horses?

GOOSE What's the purpose here? Tell me what you wanna do and I'll try to help you do it. RAD I'm just trying to get rid of Papa Quite. Originally I wanted to perform surgery on him but I can't think of a way to get in that position. Well you could try to bar the doors from the outside. Oh I can lock them. There's no lock on the outside actually but if you found a way to you could try barring the doors from the outside.

Park next to a wall. That's true. Yeah ready Iodeo, back into a really tight alleyway. Alright, you hear angry voices in Halfling. You hear angry voices in Halfling from inside the carriage. Then both of the doors open but they can't open fully so it's like bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. Rodeo, I'm gonna cause confusion at them. See if I can just kill each other. Nice! This is going to be so good is this with the demise of the Quietknife was murdered, wedged in an alley.

One of the windows pops out, Papa Quietknife sticks his head out, or sticks as much of his head as he can get out of the window, and you hear him yammering and halfling trying to point at you he doesn't finish whatever sentence he's trying to say when a rapier skewers him straight through the head and then slides out. Puppet Quietknife's eyes roll into the back of his head and he slumps into the carriage. Oh that's amazing. Sweet. Alright I'm just gonna hop off head to pub.

No actually I'm heading back to the police station, so I should tell the fellas that there's a mole in the system. You want to hope that when you get there, Wednesday ain't there. Yeah, well, I'll be like, who are you working for anymore? Club of Quiet Knife is dead. Stabbed by his own man, I heard. I heard. Harry Winkle and... Harry Winkle and Leo.

Where are you guys headed? We're heading to get to the town guard's and then go into the blood-cold sand guards which is Papa Shawfoot. You get into the town guard headquarters. Greg Pierce is sitting at a desk next to a very angry-looking duty sergeant who refuses to acknowledge his presence.

I'd like to be talking to him. I've never had a banana. Pierce, what the fuck are you doing here? refuses to acknowledge his presence. I'd like to be talking to him. I've never had a banana. Piss, what the fuck are you doing here? Well, as me and your good mate Wednesday were walking in a pub, he threw a knife on me or a sword on me. Wednesday.

Wednesday, that's the one. I can look at the paladins that have a, do you guys know the zone of truth? It's just one of them puts up his hand. Can you just, can you zone of truth, Piss? It just seems that, like, Oh my God, the distrust. Like, are you blameless?

I look at you, Pierce, like, come on. Yeah. Is Wednesday a mole? As far as I can tell, yes. He absolutely is. And he wasn't clear on it, but there might be others. To be honest, I always thought there was a mole in the Little Low, so... I don't know if Little Low had a mole in the police force. Ahem. Who was Little Low's mole in the little low so I know little low had a

Who was little as mom the police force actually don't know do I know Adam no what happened next Oh, you went to a pub which one lucky duck lucky duck all right that is a criminal pub And then when I turned guards person would go to the lucky duck if it wasn't to see a quiet night star Yeah, and then what? No town guards person would go to the lucky duck if it wasn't to see a quiet knife, though. Yeah. And then what happened? Fuck. Then I took out Papa Quietknife and here we are. Wait, you killed Papa Quietknife? No, actually he was killed by a... So he's dead? He's dead, yeah. Oh, thank Christ. Where is he? Well, I suppose he'd be in a carriage in between two buildings somewhere. Oh, thank God. Can I give you a hug? Yeah, I'll hug you back. Oh, thank you. Oh, thank god. Can I give you a hug? Yeah, I'll hug you back. I'm like, oh, thank you, oh.

We give a good old hug. Anyway, we're going after the Surefoots. Have you heard back from your weird ghost elf? No, I don't know what's happening there. I don't know, I have a link with him. I was going to say, if he was following Papa Surefoot, surely we could have tracked him, followed where he went.

That would have been clever. Well we didn't think of that, did we? No, we didn't. I should have probably, yeah, alright, fair. That's on us. That's on us. Okay, we're gonna go fuck up the blood cults. You coming with us? Blood cults?

Well, the remnants of the blood cults, then we'll go to the Shorefoot. Yeah, so if you're safe, I don't be in anywhere else. It's getting, like, it's night time. Do you guys wanna do this tonight? Yes, of course. All right, I gather some town guard with us as well. You gather a small force to fight with you.

So, well, the SureFood family is maybe now 80 strong, plus blood cults, you have no idea how many converts or how many people they have, but in about a day, they've lost their three leaders, so they're starting to fragment pretty heavily. Yeah. Who was their third? Brother Skip Tarkenton. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got him.

Nicely done. Yeah. You're welcome. We killed all the... I love that. Well, one of them's in jail. Bertelkopf. Yes. How many town guard would you like? Probably don't even need... Let's call it... We've got one of the saber soldiers still with us.

The other guy... We can call for some more of the sabers if you want. We could. They're about a thousand strong. I don't want to. I'd rather just keep one saber with us and we use the town guard to take out the halflings. So maybe ten? Ten? Okay. There's gonna be 80 family members.

Oh, we'll take 120 of the town guard. 120 sounds like a decent number. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're good. Good. Considering, like, some of them are gonna be required to find a like... If I end up leading the city, you're my advisor, Leo, because I'm bad at math. That's okay. That's alright, darling. 10 is bigger than 80?

Well, I mean, I'm half-orc. I just assume that I would outnumber people. Yeah? 120 of us. Maybe take about four of the sabers with us, just in case they're pretty good Also, if you take paladins and clerics so you can they can heal you. Yeah, so we'll we'll take a couple of them I'll say you get Evelyn and maybe just three regular nights Evelyn asks if she can come with Kana would refer to be leading the troops back at Eaton's wall. She nods. All right then

She switches out for the cleric that baptizes you. Great, so he can heal us. Baptised you. Cool, cool, cool. Get a baptism every day. His name's Gavin, yeah? Yeah. Yeah. 120 members of the town guard assemble with shields, swords and torches to march on the

Surefoot apartment. Yeah, to march on the Surefoot apartment and by extension the Blood Cultists. So you start moving through that section of town, clearing it as you go. You meet very little resistance. Every now and then there's like a group of people in blood red robes gathered together with like makeshift weaponry. Some of them might have like a sickle or an actual weapon, but it's all just like these people are either the peasantry who have been brainwashed

or upper echelons of society who are... Don't know how to fight. Don't know how to fight. So the resistance they put up is largely minimal. This awful cult that has been plaguing you since long before any of this happened, this was almost a state sponsored cult back when King Goldcrest was in charge here here because he was happy for the people to kill themselves so long as they didn't fight him or his governor. This awful stain upon the history of Jaren's outpost is exterminated in a single night.

We arresting them or you just... No, it's... Kill? Like your orders are to kill? Fuck. So many of these decisions are now important you're well within your rights to do this these people if they were put in the court of law would all be sentenced as guilty and death however maybe we should do that court of law first

we're not doing that for Papa Surefoot we do it for them means we have to do it for Papa Surefoot can If we do it for them, it means we have to do it for Papa Shorefoot. Can't make your decision like that. And maybe we should do it for Papa Shorefoot. Fuck, he believes this privately. Ugh, damn. Cleric Shooter steps forward and says, Milord, I believe that either way, you are righteous.

Why was the shooting we were going to kill the blood cultist? Why don't you want to kill the blood cultist, Leo? Because then we're no better than everyone else has taken this town You know better than fucking King Goldcrest that had this town. There was no jury. There was no judgment He makes a point. Killing and if you then do this is just a cycle of a cycle. Alright we'll detain them. Then what's it for?

But if they fight we'll fight back. Detaining them means that you're gonna be like losing a lot of your number just to hold them. Frankly, it's not worth it. frankly the top always looks roughly the same Yeah, they're all like this. Yeah, I'm walking around man Look, I'm a rake just because we need these guys take out the surefords We don't need them take out the show top never changes Leo That's life, but the top never changes and there's gonna be three more fuckwits Who are basically asked in about ten more years that are toppling us out.

We can change and it starts here. Yep. No, no, not to the change, to the first part. Periwinkle is chaotic good. If you're gonna be leading this town, do you really wanna do the same mistakes that King Goldcrest did? Can we try to avoid them? We can try to avoid them.

You could, well... We can arrest them. Sometimes, but some of them will just, because you're on their turf, some of them will just come out and attack. Can we just, without killing them, just incapacitate them? We can incapacitate them. Leaving them broken and bloodied and unconscious on the city streets is basically killing them. Here's the problem, Fairy Wangle, mate, is that Leo here works in absolutes, but the world doesn't. So tonight, you could kill him, and then tomorrow, well, the next

day when you start your reign properly, you're doing a court with the next people. I don't like that you called it a reign. Oh, whatever. Whatever you're in charge. Just, sheriff. Every man in charge is a king. You can even decide what type of government you want. Oh god. You could be a king? You could be a president. President of the Rock! I like to think that Periwinkle O'Rourke is Mayor Sheriff. Ha-ha-ha! Yes. The Mayor-if. Yeah, that's what Periwinkle's thing. So, look, I mean, some of these are brainwashed.

Some of these people don't know any better. If they go to court, though, they'll get executed. And that's on the coarser side, which you will decide. But right now... Seems like you're adding extra steps, but it's your choice. Do the right thing. Can I just... Do the right thing. If they go to court though, they'll get executed. And that's on the course decide, which you will decide. But right now... Seems like you're adding extra steps, but it's your choice. Do the right thing. Can I use 20 men to try to arrest?

20 men is not going to hold the blood cult. If I said 20 town's guard working with a group of say 20 sabers, would that be enough? 20 sabers is enough. The town's guard are not trained warriors like the sabers are. Okay. Those a thousand sabers are worth maybe 10, 15 times their number in town guard. Well you say that town guard got a lot more heart. I've got to where it counts. All right well we'll get the sabers to arrest these people and we'll continue on to the Papa Shore foot sportsool. Twenty Knights, Paladins, Warriors, Fighters, whatever you will, from the Sabres arrive on scene, they begin helping you guys.

Just a number of bodies are needed to just round them up, but to keep them contained, only twenty Sabres. They contain them all like lock and key, under lock and key, in the lucky duck we'll say. Great, perfect. They're all put in there and the sabers are good to look after them. Every now and then someone will like come out of a side street and charge you in blood red robes wielding a mace. Or maybe sometimes like just a completely nude person will get up off the street and try to stab you. But there are small incidents that are quickly like subdued and then taken away. Alright, off we go. Eventually you come to the complex where

up at the top level that sure foot apartment is. At the bottom level there's just like vagrants have collected at the base. They part scared as you approach. Lydia, let's do this. You get to the front doors to go in. The doors open up and out steps a bunch of sure-foots. None of them are armed. One of them is waving a white flag. You're all under arrest. Where's your papa?

That one drops the white flag. From in between them, Papa Sure-Foot comes out. He holds his hands out. This looks heaps like a trick. This looks way like a trick. I pop a show Can you do anything to test if it's a trick? I kind of have a bit of a squiz bit of a scan read the situation You don't see any hidden people the vagrants are all here, but they're like retreated to such a distance That colors the vagrants here all different colors The vagrants are treated to such a distance that they don't look like they'd be any use

in a fight by the time they got here. Papa Surefoot has a very sour expression. I think he just knows the jig is off. And if this had been happened like a day ago, I would be the first to put my knife through his head. But you deputise me, and this badge means something. I can put my knife through his head but you deputize me and this badge means something. I can put my knife through his head. If I'm to be arrested I'd like to be arrested by the halfling then or by you.

Definitely not by the one who just said he'd put a knife through my head. How many short foot's inside the apartment? All 80 of us are ready to come out but they're waiting for you to arrest me first. I get some handcuffs. Do you want me to? No, no, no. I need to do this one. I get my handcuffs. I place them on Papa Shawfoot. After the courts have all said and done, I hope there's no ill will between us. Venus? Oh man.

I do know but... Your sword burns at your side. Oh I know, I know! Lucky you got me on a good day, sure foot. Here's to more good days then. Oh no, you get one good day, and that's today. Oh that's unfortunate. Yeah yeah.

The other sure foot slowly come out of the building and are all arrested, unless you order them massacred. No, no, no. They're arrested. Just before they take away Papa Shorefoot, I headbutt him really hard. Police brutality. You knock him out cold. Good.

Take him away. He's taken away? That was easy. And I'm scared. Cleric Shooter stands next to you and says, I think what you did was good. Fatty, you peri. I'm gonna need a minute.

Very well then, Malor. I just walk around the corner and you just hear... Just the bees going off. The walkish for fuck. Lug, lug, lug, lug, lug, lug. I just come back. It's a cuss composed. A runner from the Sabres approaches you. He's like CUSS composed. But then he sees you and gives it to you. M'lord, a missive from a sub-commander sent to protect your family.

He's asking for a clarification of orders. He was sent by Evelyn to just check on your family and make sure they're alright. But your wife, Gragir, has shut the door in their face and refuses to open it. No, no, that's fair. What should I tell the sub-commander? Tell him that they'll be safe with Ian. And if he keeps the watch from a distance Believe her hair. Yeah. Yes, Mollet. He runs off. You got a lot of power Barry. I do my wife hates me though

What's planned now we had joined the rest of the forces around Eden's place Pieces on two hit points just as an FYI so um could do for now Yeah, I throw you the wand. It's got three charges. Bam, bam, bam. All three charges. You recover... Are you going to the Littalos? Yeah. I'll come with you.

I just realised there's something that I haven't wiped away yet. There's another thing I've got to take care of. Oh, no, hang on. Oh, Quietknife's had my halfling bat, didn't they? Yeah. Oh, cool. Then I go with my rock. Because that's that. The Shortfoot said that they were going to buy it up for you, but they hadn't't they? Yeah. Oh, cool. Then I go with Maroc. Is that that? The Shorefoot said that they were gonna buy it up for you,

but they hadn't done that. Yeah. So killing Papa Quietknife? Wipe away the debt. Fuck yes. Periwinkle and Pierce, you joined the Sabres on the front line? They've set up...

They've set up a makeshift barricade. Just like Mama used to make. Little, little? No, they've set up makeshift barricades just like mama used to make. Little little? No they've they've set up makeshift barricades all along the the fighting lines here and when you get there Evelyn informs you we've also set up barricades on the other side where the dwarves made holes in the walls just to prevent their exit that way. A sub commander over there has informed me that that's probably our best mode of ingress but you can also see

many bodies laid out. I'm not sure how long or how hard this raising the dead spell will be to do but after he's done it we'll be able to identify what it is and how to combat it best. What if we burn the dead bodies? You could certainly try but I don't know how we'd do that. Uh all right well I don't want with the sabers, I'll go with the town guard. Have I taken the crown off? I assume the crown's gone. You can take it off if you want. I feel like I'm pairing a wooden-ware crown. I'll just put it in my pocket, I'll give it to one of my kids. Yeah, Sweat Rock love that fucking crown.

Fuck, what a good name. Sweat Rock's the smart one. Yeah. Perhaps Evelyn, before you leave her council's view, I would advise that we wait for sun up. There's not a lot of human enemies that we're going to have to fight, but it's best to strike at dawn when the enemy has had the least amount of sleep

and when the sun will be in their eyes. Great. Alright, I wait with my town guard, boys. I'm going to see how Little Little is going. I'll chair with O'Rock. You want to wait for sunrise? Yeah. In that case.

Chris, you can sit a bit further away. We're not friends. Leo, you find Little Little. The Little O'Family have set up kind of a makeshift headquarters in a back alley. Little Little. Kind of wave as I sort of walk towards. The Little Little turns around. He's sitting at a table with a bunch of other, you know, high-ranking halflings within the Little O'Family.

Looks like maybe he's trying to form a new like council and stuff. Um, I kind of gesture, do you mind if I join? He waves, come on over. I kind of sit down, I'm like- There's always a chair at this table for you. Did the runner find you? He holds up the ring. Good. So I've got some good news.

Papa Quietknife? Dead. Dead. Dead. And we've arrested Papa Surefoot. Also, I'm one of the town guard. Yeah, I uh... Stitch!

I noticed that. I shrugged. So where do you think your loyalties lie? Right now I'm just here to uphold the peace. And whilst things are still kind of up in the air at the moment, is there anything that you guys need I'll always be part of the family and while maybe in the future I may be not actively help you I might be able to turn some blind eyes

this isn't Papa Little are you chatting? No this is Little Little he's a very different person. New lines are being drawn in the sand Leo. You're either in the family or you're out well it depends what you want me to do. Well, basically be our mole. With Wednesday dead, we don't have one anymore. Twist! Oh! The Wednesday was working for the Quiet Knights.

That man was so full of holes, you might as well have, uh... might as well have called him the worst ship in the world. Whoa! Well, is there anything that I can do right now? He finishes the spaghetti. Puts down the bowl on the floor. No, that's not what we need right now.

Unless, maybe you could slip us some keys to the cells that Shorefoot's gonna be kept in. Little little, they took Perry's wife. They took flip-sham. Mm-hmm But maybe it's time for me to go clean. He puts his hands on the table You can be deputized You become sub commander. Oh Hell you could become commander but

You are never gonna be clean But you were never gonna be clean You will always always Be our grease boy I Get up and leave good luck Sammy If you ever need help rebuilding little teagle eye Let me know. See you around.

You get back like maybe a couple hours before dawn. You Leo, the only one who hasn't really slept properly because you've been up pretty much all night, but I assume the rest of you have caught some winks. Yeah, a couple of z's. The dragon, as the sun rises, swivels its head off the castle and surveys the city. It opens its mouth and in a loud blooming voice that can be heard from Gnomes and Panniers area, from where the Gnomes live, to down through the Old Blood Cultist section, the townitia, the Sabres Fort, and of course, right in front of the Keep's walls.

Do you think you can win, little people? What do you think? Because you are so many, that perhaps you have a chance? You are but insects to me. This city, it slowly spreads its wings, is mine and I am its god. He reaches up as the sun is rising with one of its wicked, awful paws. The sunlight strikes the paw and then an awful black energy bathes the inside of the Citadel. Evelyn you hear her from down the line screaming, he's doing it, he's raising them, to arms!

Swords are drawn. I look at both my arms. From the distance you hear... Pum! Pum! Coming from behind you, back at the north end of the city. You whip around and in the vague distance you can see a giant structure floating through the sky. What the f... Woo! Bang! Bang! Two bolts of energy

flung from the giant structure strike the Citadel just below where the Dragon is. The Dragon roars and launches off the Citadel, completing its spell. That's a Zeppelin. What's a Zeppelin? The Zeppelin is enormous. Usually, when you look at a Zeppelin,

you see maybe the big balloon and a tiny little undercourage. This is flipped. The balloon is still gigantic, massive, elongated and slightly misshapen, but an actual honest-to-god castle is trapped to the bottom of the balloon. Wow Gnomes, what are you doing? The castle bristles with ballast and catapults, which begin flinging projectiles towards the dragon. Well, I turn to my men and I say,

time for motivational speech I guess. Would you like a moment to write one down? We'll all be quiet. No no I reckon I can just wing it. It's not very long because Perrimo doesn't do long speeches. Go for it. It's like alright, you heard the man, he's big, we're little, we're insects, but have you ever been stung by a bee before? Fuck. Even the biggest motherfucker is weak to the smallest bee. Goggles stands up next to you, holds his dwarven hammer aloft and says, let us swarm! Leave the chest! Go! You assault the wolves.