D&D is For Nerds - Jarren’s Outpost: EE #13 Battle of the Fiveish Armies

Episode Date: April 19, 2025

In the end it comes to this. The city of Jarren's Outpost at war with itself. Sabers fighting orcs, ghosts and their tigers fighting town guard, and all fighting the relentless tide of the city's dead. Above it all the dragon Damien Eaton circles, engaged in aerial combat with a titanic gnomish airship. On the ground, amidst the heave of bodies and the clanging of steel, our heroes make one final desperate push for the keep. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Jaren's Outpost is a bustling city located in the nation of Goldcrest. A nation that nobody cared about until the king was slain by a bunch of adventurers. Unfortunately, adventurers did what adventurers do, and they didn't think of the consequences of killing a powerful tyrant, and they promptly left the citizens of Goldcrest to figure it out for themselves. For now, Jaren's Outpost is a melting pot of religions, criminals, politics and paranoia, with everyone keeping everyone else in check. But all that's about to change. Welcome to the enhanced edition of Jaren's Outpost.

An awful black energy bathes the inside of the Citadel. He's doing it! He's raising them! Oh, fuck. But in the distance, you see an actual honest-to-god castle strapped to the bottom of the balloon. Wow. Flinging projectiles towards the dragon. The dragon roars and launches off the citadel, completing its spell.

Goggles stands up next to you. Let us swarm! You assault the wolves. Charging forward, you crash like a wave upon it. People begin throwing grappling hooks up to the top and attempting to scale. Boiling oil is thrown down upon your attackers. Some of them scream and writhe as the oil burns through them. And some defenders drop moats of alchemist fire to deny passage. The alchemist fire clings like napalm to anything it sticks to and makes

entire stretches of the wall unscalable. But even in some of those places, especially Sabres, but also Town Guard continue to fight upwards through the flames. You spot perhaps Tuesday or Colin climbing their way through flames, ignoring it as they try to get up to the top a giant set of rams are slammed into the gates and begin pounding. Bang! Bang! Bang! Damage from the last time you attempted to fight the walls has not yet been repaired and so the doors break open easily and quite quickly. Attackers begin to swarm the inside but immediately they're met by the Shambling Dead. They are innumerable. There's so many more than you. Eton has been collecting them since potentially the beginning of all this. And in among them you see Eton's fervent. Those who despite all of this have stayed next to Damien Eton's side, loyally and unflinchingly. They command

the undead, acting as his sub-commanders, directing them, guiding them, and under their command, the command of these battle-hardened, weary, but nonetheless loyal followers, they attack with an unheard of fanaticism and destructive intent. Okay, uh, do you want to go home? No? You see attackers from the other side as well begin to stream through, but they are also met by the dead. It's difficult to make any progress. Your people are scared. Fearsome people. People who can be broken and beaten no matter how good a speech you make. These dead, they're not like that. They don't fear, they don't run, they don't turn tail, they don't question orders.

And their commanders know that this is the last stand. They will all fight to the death. The dragon causes a total darkness as it flies overhead. It sails towards the floating castle. Alright, alright. Assault the Keep. Assault the Keep. They begin to push forward. Each of you in turn enters into single combat with one of the dead. So, does the silver steel help me better than Gauntlet's put against dead? The Gauntlet's, if they're activated, are better than silver steel but that means you're taking damage.

I'm taking damage, yeah. So I may as well just use the silver steel for now until the battle gets desperate. Pierce, you contend with four of the dead. O'Rourke, you contend with six as you have charged ahead trying to blaze a path. You're nearly surrounded. And Leo, you, you contend with 6 as you have charged ahead trying to blaze a path. You're nearly surrounded. And Leo, you must also contend with 4. Right. Piers, the cleric from before, fights next to you. As you fight, you can direct him to fight with you,

so you make attack, he follows it up. Oh, cool. Periwinkle, you get goggles fighting beside you. Should have given him Evelyn. You would have hated it. Ha! Oh! Leo, you fight next to Evelyn. Alright then.

You know what? You get Clara as well, Periwinkle. Ooh, okay. Cool. She won't speak to me. You can instruct Clara to do more than just fight as well. She has magic at her side, and she's powerful against undead

if she channels energy away from them or towards them. Um, Adam. Yeah? Does Cure Moderate Wounds hurt the zombies? Yes. Ah, that's awesome. Holy shit, really?

Yes. So health potions hurt them? Uh, they can't be forced to drink health potions. You think you tell potions like grenades? Health potions you need to drink, unfortunately. But if you have, like, your wand, oh no, you used it, Charles. But I've got spells for Cure Moderate Wounds. Yeah, those hurt them in the same way that inflict spells hurt a person.

What weapons does the cleric have? Does he have like a sword or? He has a morningstar. He's wearing heavy armour, he looks very kitted out for a fight. I'm gonna go with you first, Pierce, so you're contending with four. You've got the cleric next to you, they're a raid all in front of you. Right, I'll just cast Q of a raid all in front of you. Uh, right, uh... I'll just cast Cure Light Wounds on one of them. You grab him by the face and channel Cure Light Wounds, you said? The zombie crumbles to dust in your hands.

Then you've got the cleric. Direct him to do something. Smack him with your Morningstar, dickhead. You point at one of the zombies, say that, and he gives you like a look, but he moves forward and clocks the zombie on its head. The zombie's skull caves inside and it topples backwards. So you're down to two. You've got Clara and goggles plus your own stuff.

And six. Six enemies? Yeah, yeah. Well, obviously we're going to like back-to-back bros in like a cool back-to-back formation that you would do if you were a team. And, Tria? And Clara's just standing there, I suppose.

No, she does it. She's back-to-back with you as well. It's a triangle. It's a triangle. Back-to-back's doable. So, yeah, yeah, that's what I mean. So we can each face like two zombies. Can I still use like Cleave and Great Cleave with the sword?

Or is it only with the sword? Yeah, with the sword. Great. I'm gonna go and just try to kill as many as I can with the sword. Your first swing goes clean over the head of one of the zombies. One of the sub-commanders informs it. Duck, you cowardly coward! And it ducks underneath your blow. but when it comes back up,

you just stab it in its belly. Silversteel warms in your hands. It detects that you are fighting a righteous cause. Yeah. You destroy the zombie and your blow keeps going. You catch another one. You destroy a second, but that's it. That's all right. So then you have Clara

and Goggles. So Goggles is going to go for his sort of zombie. Yep. Or zombie. Goggles clocks it in its side, grumbling part of its chest but not downing it. Will Clara be more effective if you use some kind of magical attack on them. Yeah, sure. Let's go with that. You can direct her to do, she has like three uses of a big AoE spell that can like really decimate the area of zombies, like get more than just the six here, get them like, basically any zombie that sees her can be affected by this spell, but only three uses and you kind of want to like, you kind of want to use it at a dire moment. All right so probably not one of the uses now. Not right now, no probably save it for a little bit further in the fight. Well then I'll just get to use that Morningstar on the zombies.

Yep okay. Oh she has just regular magic as well lesser magic but any magic she uses against the zombies is magic she can't use to heal you. Yeah use the mace she's got there. Use the mace all right. She slams one of the zombies. Go for the heads, guys. She knocks its head clear across the field, scoring a goal. Good. Leo. Evelyn also has that ability, not as powerful as Clara, but she only has one use of it as well, to do a devastating AoE attack. Area of effect, if you don't know what AoE is.

What else does she have? Evelyn, she has some basic magic, not as powerful as Clara. She can like power herself, she can hurt the enemies. And also she's very good in a fight. Alright, well I'm gonna do something uncharacteristic of me and use a spell. What? No way! Scatter Spray at the zombies. Your scatter spray sends loose bits of cobblestone in all directions.

You kill three of the four zombies. Leo does magic. Kill that one. I'm the grease boy. Evelyn, looking only at you being like, what? When she swings, one of the subcommanders has time to say, back off! And the zombie takes a step back and her blow is too short Just gonna shrug it in. Yeah, peace to love

Glory smack him in the head when I smack him in the legs You go blow he goes high you slam into his leg breaking it He slams into its skull breaking it you're able to bring it down I get goggles to go for the zombie he's already wounded, and I go for the other two. Goggles swings far too hard, and his flammy, wet hands lose grip of his weapon. His dwarven battleaxe sails clear across the battlefield, landing somewhere far away. Goggles is now unarmed. Hmm.

Well then, you slam into the one that he was fighting, destroying it. You bodily rush it, knock it back, and then puncture it with your sword. Your attack keeps going, hitting the one behind it, destroying that one. One to go! Take a step to the left! The zombie steps to the left and is just out of your range. How far away are the sub-commanders for the zombies? You're gonna have to take another wave of zombies,

then you get to the sub-commanders. Cool. There'll be more though behind them. You know, I do have a longbow. I could give that to Goggles and he could try to just aim for the sub-commanders. That's true. Uh, Clara, go for that last one. Clara puts one of her gauntleted feet on Goggles' shoulder.

Goggles cries out, oi! She launches off Goggles into the air, lands on the zombie, pinning it to the ground, and slams her mace into its head. It's dead. Thanks, Clara. Leo. I'm gonna try and flank this last zombie, stab him. Both daggers. You know what you should do?

A classic. Summon a block of wood and then kick it. Slide through the zombies. Grease the floor first. Grease the floor. Block the wood. Knock him down. Leo, you stabbed it in its belly, zigzagging like a Zoro, while Evelyn cuts it neatly in

two, making your outhood almost irrelevant. The Leo shadow way. Piss. Uh, no, no, no, it's not your turn. The zombies. The odds are evens. Evens.

Are you the only one still contending with zombies? Who did I say was with you? The cleric. Oh, the cleric shooter. Shooter Gavin. I just gave him cler sure because no one introduced us There's zombie charges at cleric shooter, but he just slams uselessly against his shield and his heavy armor That's good. You feel he's not necessarily the spear tip But you feel if you just stood behind him it'd be nearly impossible to hit you

Oh, that's you literally then the first fight we're in right punched my way through doors and You literally did that in the first fight we were in where I just punched my way through dwarves and gnomes until we got out the other side. I like it, this is almost a mirror of that fight. Ah, some might say that was on purpose. Piers, it's your turn. I'll cast Major Image Vagina Octopus and have it attack the other zombies. I thought you said vagina octopus? Just a vagina octopus.

That's what I heard as well. You really caught me off guard. A vagina octopus. It's not quite an octopus and it's not quite a vagina. I can't attack anyone, you know that right? Yeah, isn't that what Major Image is? No, as soon as someone interacts with it, it disappears for them. And what am I thinking of?

That's a 5th-X-File. Ah, fuck. Sing him a song. I don't have any of those like- That was funny. You try to swing your loot at it, but it's awkward trying to attack around the cleric. The cleric shoves forward with his shield, but he just succeeds in knocking it back. Okay.

Then it is periwinkle. You can move forward, but you'll be leaving Pierce behind. But Leo can come up with it. That's fine. We'll keep moving. I hand my longbow to Goggles who's lost his hammer and I'm like, while we're clearing out these zombies, try to get those subcommanders. Alright, you move forward, you've got another six to contend with.

So really, we're kind of stepping back from where Goggles is so he's got a clear shot for the subcommanders. Yeah, Goggles will be behind you. Clara and I face off against the first batch of zombies. Goggles fires at the sub commander striking him in the chest. He doubles over. Boom. Then you and Clara, you cut one of the zombies in two, but your momentum is stopped part way through. This zombie is wearing, perhaps it was an old town guard, and your attack catches on some of its chainmail tunic. The chainmail tunic wraps around your sword

and makes it too awkward to keep going. The sub commander, after being struck, yells out, take a step backwards, you fool! The zombie steps backwards and your blow passes in front of it harmlessly. That's right. You take out one of them nonetheless though. Then Clara?

Yep. She brings her mace down upon the brow of one of the zombies, just slowly moving forward with a like downward hitting motion. She knocks the zombie's head into its chest, grabs the zombie and pushes it backwards bowling pin-esque style, knocking a bunch of other ones over. So two down, then Leo. Okay, so there's...we can move forward I guess? Oh yeah, you'd like to move forward? Is there three sub-commanders in front of us? Yes.

You are fighting four again. Alright. And so there's this four and then there's sub-commander, yeah? So what's sort of like after the sub-command is anything? Yeah, there'll be more zombies. Plus more sub-commanders. They're kind of like arranged in circles going towards the key and you guys are fighting your way forward while on the opposite side People are fighting their way towards you. I'm just wondering if I try to sandwich them in. Yes, pretty much

Now fuck it. I'll use scatter spray again Move go and get to that sub commander quick. Hmm. You do superfluous damage to all of the zombies Not downing any of them, though. I'll get Evelyn to try and attack a few of them. Evelyn swings her greatsword, striking one of them. Perhaps this one also has chainmail armour. She catches it, picks it up with her sword and sends it sailing far off into the fight.

That's good. It's gone. Dead. Very dead. Alright. So we're versing three, you've got four and Pierce is still dealing with the first wave. But we did knock a few of them back bowling pin style. Your town guard, Falter. They're pushed back heavily. If it weren't for the sabres who hold their ground steadily, you would be isolated. The only people in this fight right now are Sabres.

Town Guard are pushed out of this section of the city. Fuck. Jesus. Good thing that we did go to the Sabres in the end, because they're worth, how many did you say, a hundred Guardsmen? Each of them is worth maybe ten Guardsmen. Yeah, good. Yeah, not fair. Piss. You've still got one zombie before you. Uh, I just cast Cure Light Wounds on it. You reach out to grab it. Damnit.

This one doesn't work, but man, the magic fumbles are so good. You accidentally heal your ally. Yes! Not me, you fool! Your attack hits your ally closest to the target. So now he's got more health back. You reach out and try to grab the zombie, but you grab the cleric instead and channel healing energy into him.

You're welcome. Me nots, thank you! That's what I meant, obviously. He's totally deliberate every single turn. Smile at us, smile at us. With your hand resting on his shoulder, he pushes a barrel away forward for you. His shield, which has wicked spikes all over it, when he slams it into the zombie, it deals damage. Enough that the zombie falls down, badly wounded, and he just steps onto it and over it, crushing it into the dirt.

So next turn you'll be able to move forward. Cool. Periwinkle. You've got four left. Four left. Oh, first off, Goggles. Fuck, he hits the Sub-Commander again. The Sub-Commander cries out in pain as a second arrow protrudes maybe from the other eye slit in his armour. He takes six points of damage.

Bring it on. I unclip medium bees, lob it at the sub-commander. Oh-ho. A swarm of bees explodes out. Yee-haw! That's my medium bees done. Uh-huh. Got a small left. I got two small left. Oh, right. Does the rock kind of constantly smell just slightly like honey? Oh, yeah, I assumed. It's honeycomb.

It's literally a honeycomb necklace. Oh, that's awesome. You deal 21 points of damage to the Sub-Commander and all the undead around him. Not only do you kill him, you clear the line that you have to work out behind him... Hey!..and you kill the zombies in front of you. You can charge very far forward if you want,

but that will expose you a lot. I might come across Trite Hub, these guys. Alright, cool. Does Pharah have any kind of ranged attacks? Clara can spit out ranged fire if she needs to. Can I get a Pharah-Pharah ball that one of the subcommanders attacking me does? She draws a ball of energy into her fist and then hefts it at that subcommander. It misses him and splashes on the ground near him.

He like turns around to see the fireball that just missed him and looks over at you guys. Hey, bitch. He waves. Hola. Leo, it's your turn. Alright, I'm going to try and... Stab with two of my daggers, thunder this into one of them whilst flanking with Evelyn.

You go round the back of the zombie and just... Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, start stabbing it in the back. You make many tiny punctures but all you're hitting is dead flesh that flesh falls like the flesh of its back just falls off the zombie and you realize it was never part of the zombie. Evelyn farrels forwards she puts her hand up against the creature's face and channels energy into it. It explodes. Oh whoa Nellie. What a woman. Leo you have not taken damage. You feel a wave of positive energy wash over you and the undead around you. I'm feeling pretty good. One of them is fine the other one also explodes. Ohits. She kills two of them.

Fighting with healing energy is pretty cool. Then, the last Omni that you're fighting attacks Evelyn. She's wearing heavy armour as well. When it charges at her, she just sticks out her hand. Its face slams into her hand, and she, schoolyard bully style, keeps it too far away for it to strike her. Murrrr. Murrrr. Stop hitting yourself. stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself. Enjoy your wet willy.

You do not know what's happening to the town guard. They've been pushed too far back for you to see anything. And even the sabres are beginning to falter. You guys are isolated at this point. Can we see the sabres on the other side? You know how we're coming from two sides? They're from the other direction? Yeah. They're also being pushed back. You're slowly being repelled. You're losing this fight. I like cleared like 12 zombies with bees. Come on. There's nearly a thousand of them. 12 down, only one thousand. Where's the dragon?

Is it just flying around fighting the blimp? Oh it's fucked off. You don't know where it's gone. Ah okay. Uh well. Is it my turn again? All your different eggs have come home to wrist. You made good with the Gnomes, so now the Dragon is busy fighting the Gnomes. You made good with Sabers, so you weren't isolated immediately, and you have a better fighting force. Also, you have extra NPCs. Yep.

You didn't make good with the Orcs. You don't know what's happening there as well. You also know that there's supposed to be ghosts here, which you have not seen yet. Aren't they inside the zombies? No. You guys assumed that's how it was going to work, but that's maybe not how it was going to work. Alright then. Then it is Pierce's turn again. We'll just move forward. Yep, alright. By the way, because you guys are surrounded, on the zombies' turn, you're going to just randomly take attacks from behind you.

Cool. So, Pierce you move forward... You're fighting Thor again, wow. It's fucking weird. I'll just cast Cure Light Wounds on the Xambo closest to me. You grab him around the Cleric by the leg, and channel healing energy into him, the zombie crumbles. You destroy one of them.

Get the one behind him, cleric. Come on now. The cleric steps over the ashes, kicks them into the face of the other zombie, which stumbles a little bit and tries to see through the ashes. It reaches out clumsily. He slams its arm with his shield, knocking it out of the way and also catching its arm, dragging it down, exposing the back of its neck. Then...

Crack! He brings his mace down upon the back of its head, killing that one as well. Yeah, bitch. Periwinkle, you wanna go back and help Piss? So is Piss the closest one to me? Uh, no, Leo would be the closest one to you, but Leo looks like he's got that situation under control. Piss is the one who looks like he needs help.

You know, it's always that. So I order Goggles and Clara. Clara Fireball, subcommander. Goggles try to shoot the subcommander. Both of them start making ranged attacks. And I go to help Piss. Alright. I can't believe I'm about to do this.

You slam into the side of the two zombies that Piss and the Cleric are fighting. You bring your sword down upon one of them's brow, destroying it. Your blow keeps going, but this sub-commander on the left hand side where Piss is yells BRING YOUR SWORD UP! This zombie slashes at you with its sword and your two swords slam against each other. The zombie sword shatters into a thousand pieces, but protects it from the blow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's your turn.

Had it goggles and, uh, Clarigo. You, you've got your back to them. They're just hurling projectiles as best they can. Leo, you see that they're not making any hits, but they are making that subcommander very worried. So there's, there's one, one Zombo and then there's a subcommander yeah? Yes. All right can I get Evelyn to stab the zombie so I can bum rush the subcommander? All right. Evelyn brings her sword level and charges forward she skewers the undead and uses it as a shield to get to the sub commander. The sub commander pulls like a hand crossbow, fires it, it slams into the back of the zombie.

She keeps going. He pulls another one, fires it, slams into the back of the zombie. He has eyes for nothing but the zombie and Evelyn charging towards him. So when you run up behind Evelyn, climb up on her, leap off her, he's caught completely unaware. Classic in the side, in the collarbone. Alright, you stab him once in the shoulder and once underneath his shoulder. Swing around him and land behind him. He takes four damage from your first blow and then your lower wound deals... oh right fuck wait sneak attack. Shit. Oh fuck he's fucked! He starts panicking. Good. It's their turn. The sub commander dies from blood loss.

It's their turn. The Sub Commander dies from blood loss. He takes 12 points of damage and dies. Um, Kyus, you only took that one. That was one point left, there's only one left. The Zombie turns around and attacks you, Periwinkle. It wraps an arm, a dead clammy arm around your ear and tears it off. Oh boy, that's my good ear. You take 8 points of damage.

And now you're deaf and won't hear a thing. It's all fucked. What? You should get an ear patch. Here's... you get attacked from behind twice. Fuck. One of them fights you in your thigh. You take 3 points of damage.

It's but a light blow compared to the other one grabs you wraps his arms around you hugs you close and starts feasting upon your open supple neck oh Where's that moon at? I have a dawn And while you're distracted by that one grabbing you yeah all of them get a free attack. Oh shit Where's old Clara mate? I'm also there so Greg Pierce becomes a zombie where rat Yes, please undead and a rat

They feast upon you you're on 17 Am I I've only taken one here haven't I? I'm like... Periwinkle, highs or lows? Highs. Highs? Periwinkle, you get attacked from behind by two zombies as well. These aren't zombies you need to fight. These are just like because you're surrounded you're taking attacks. One of them bites you in the arm as you're distracted by the first one. It tears your arm apart.

Your arm begins to hang loose at your side you can still use it but that scar is going to stay with you for the rest of your life good i like scars leo how's all those uh lows looks oh no dammit you're in so much trouble one of them runs past you trying to get skips off the ground and like hits another zombie. And as you're laughing, it grabs you by the arm and bites your eyes. Ah, wet tongue all over your eyes. And for the next three rounds, all critical hits are confirmed. All right. OK. OK. Then.

You hear a rousing yell from beyond the walls and town guards start streaming. Yeah boys, ah, come on boys back in town led up by the town guard charging back in the Sabres renew Their effort as well and the sub commanders of the Sabres start making their way And the sub-commanders of the Sabres start making their way forward and leading from the front. They start pushing heavily. And then suddenly you're no longer cut off from the rest. They are at even kilter with you, Periwinkle. They've pushed past Leo and Pius. Bring it on!

Wait. Some of the Sabres Paladins have begun summoning their magical mounts because there's enough room for them to charge, back off, charge again. Oh wow. Finally we're winning a fight! Here comes the cavalry. At the moment though, I shouldn't have said that. I should not have said that. Don't delete your words.

Oh, probably my arm. Pierce, you're clear to move forward to, I believe, I believe the sub commander now. Yeah, you can fight just him radio I'll move for be like He'll meet dickhead to the cleric and run for the sub committed and on the sub commander. I'll cure moderate wounds He's not undead. You'll heal him Then lesser confusion you recover 19 hit points from the cleric. I'm gonna call him Dickhead from now on. That's great that he's even in this fight.

I think he just stuck around too long. That's the feeling I get. Like he's like, yeah, wow, oh my god, it's happening. It's that moment in the movie where the character that shouldn't be in the fight, it just ends up having to fight anyway. Yeah. The tub commander lowers his gaze to look at you. You can tell that your spell has not affected him.

Shit. Periwinkle. Well, so I direct Goggles and Clara to shoot at that Sub Commander. Shoot at the Sub Commander that Greg Peirce is dealing with. He takes an arrow and a fireball. Still alive? Yes, still alive. It's nice for it to be immediately near me, is there, right? No.

Cool. Small bees lob it towards that Sub Commander. is there right? No. Small beast, lob it towards that sub commander. The sub commander with his sword and shield at the ready has lowered his gaze at you, Piers, prepared to fight and as he takes a step forward you hear him snarl some sort of insult at you but the insult is caught up by the the exclamation, ah beast! As Periwinkle's tiny little gems just like off the side of his helmet, but then a roiling mass of bees surrounds him. Trying to work its way into his armour, he screams. Leo, it's your turn. Right, can I get Evelyn to heal me and And also then try and bum rush this last dickhead.

The sub-commander on your side? He's dead. Yeah. Oh, you mean the dickhead for him? Yeah. Ayyyy! Ayy ayy ayy ayy! Okay, yep, you go for it.

Just, hup, hup! You slide under him and slash at his underside? So, so is his dick. His scrotum. Both of the... Chop his scrotum. Stealing eight points of damage and dropping him. So is his dick. His scrotum. Both of the... Chop his scrotum. His gooch. His eight points of damage and dropping him.

He sways a little bit but then topples backwards dead. Right. That's that lot done. Alright, you got another wave of zombies, then another wave of sub-commanders. Where are we trying to get to? We just trying to get to the keep or... You're just conquering the army here. Yeah, that's literally the mission, isn't it?

Defeat the enemy army. Haven't said no sign of the dragon? No sign of the dragon. Alright. We're not surrounded though, are we? Everyone's caught up to us, yeah? Yeah, no, no, not anymore. You hear cries from way back where the town guard are, cries of surprise. You try to crane your head to look what's going on, but you're in the thick of it. You can't see. You can hear though, the sounds of combat coming from beyond the walls. The other side, back where you came from.

Damn those orcs. So full of stealth loading. The sabers and the town guard continue to hold their ground, but the fighting is stalled not because you're not fighting well you're still fighting better than the enemies but soldiers are being directed to your rear basically to protect against whatever's happening there yeah so now it's like you guys have the numbers advantage but you no longer have the numbers advantage it's kind of swapped it's kind of like a pyramid-y shape where there's more people behind us than at the front.

Yeah. Piss is done, sorry. Yeah, you'd like to charge forward. All right, Piss, you have to deal with three. I'll cue a moderate one and get the character. We'll try like what we did before. I'll crumb limited dust, you jump over me, smack the other in the head.

All right, you charge forward, try to grab him. Yep, you wrap both of your hands around the zombie's clammy head and its head just comes off. Right to grab him. Yep, you wrap both of your hands around the zombies clammy head and its head just Comes off. All right got it zombies headless body staggers around Drop it and boot it like a football The head crumbles to dust as you try to boot it and your kick goes through the chest, which is also crumbling That's good. The cleric grabs you from behind, drags you back as one of the two remaining zombies tries to take a swipe at you.

He whips himself and you around such that now his back is facing them, letting go of you and he continues with the momentum coming now with his mace around, striking the zombie, destroying it. Yeah, bitch. Periwinkle, you can face down the Sub-Commander. Piss looks like he's going okay, and so does Leo. Great. Goggles, go for our Sub-Commander. Clara and I, we're going to advance. As you charge forward, an arrow flies over you

towards the Sub-Commander. It skips off his shoulder pauldrum, though, not doing any damage. You and Clara charge in. What would you like to do? What would you like Clara to do? How many zombies are we facing? It's a sub commander. Well, because we killed the line of zombies. The line of zombies. You're nearly to the center of this square.

Clara's there. If you kill the sub commander, you're going to be fighting your way now into the rear of the group fighting the next... They'll have their backs to us though. Yep. Yes! Alright, I put silver steel away because I'm charging into this guy, I've got a healer with me, I'll pop my gauntlets.

It's on, bitch! You swing and this sub-commander you immediately can tell is a lot better at combat. As he steps back, he raises his helmet to look at you properly, and you can tell that it's Lord Triton. Aerial's dad? God! Lord Triton was head of the town guard. Before all of this happened, he was commander to, um, Tolton.

And technically me too, I guess, at some point. Well, he, like, you never really spoke with him. No, I was just way, way down. Um... Does he recognise me? He whispers to you through the combat, Periwinkle, join us. You swing again, but maybe you're confused this time,

and he dodges the blow easily. He joined you? How about fuck no? He joined you? How about fuck you? Clara comes round from the side and tries to blind sight him, grabs the head of her mace as she swings, and then crushes it to dust. Ooh!

He's a little bit... He's a little bit magic. Leo. So where am I? Because I went over and killed the... Or am I just back to the... So, Periwinkle is the tip of the spear, charging forwards. You guys are on his flanks, making sure he doesn't get attacked from either side. It's kind of important that you guys move together. So I'm going to leave, I guess, Greg Pierce where I was,

and go towards where Evelyn is. Slot back into your chair. Into your lane. I kind of glitched the game, like... finally facing sevens on that shit holy shit Evelyn Yeah, I think the first time the kiss is time to use the aoe those seven She holds up her holy symbol in front of the seven zombies barreling towards her and yells lady willow commands you die foul beasts Well, I remember standing over there going...

Heroes arise! Name! Motes of light leap forward off her holy symbol, decimating rows of zombies before her. Of the seven, only one remains. Oh shit! I have a golden liquid, then PW. What does that mean PW That'd be

Golden liquid would be a pierce. No, it'd be a daylight pellet. Yes Yeah, are we both had one I called it a light pollution bomb. Ah, he And yes, that's not the name of it either and the vial of oil How long is that? What does that mean the vial of oil with the blessing oil. Oh, uh, that's probably already gone. Yeah, it's one use. Alright, then it's gone. That's definitely gone. Alright, then I'm gonna try and thunderstab and venomstab, but not venomstab.

OK, that was confusing, but I understood what you meant. Use the dagger, but... Thunderstab and regularstab. Yeah. You start slashing and stabbing and doing whatever you can to this zombie... I'm gonna... I'm gonna kill it. You destroy it. Yay!

Cut it into so many ribbons that there's not enough of it to stay standing and it starts falling apart. Very geniusly. You stand before the commander in front of you as well. You see his face, he's not wearing a helmet, but you don't recognise him. You maybe know that he is someone important, but you couldn't put a name to the face. Evelyn, do you know who that is? I came here after everything happened.

What the hell are you asking me for? I've never seen this man before in my life. Okay then. The sabres, in their charge, have to charge around a set of stables, and because of that, the vast majority of their force is hampered because bursting out of the stables like a force, it's hard to describe. All you could say is like spectres or ghosts. They swoop in at the sabers, knocking a bunch off their horses, scaring a ton of them and causing general chaos. The sabers begin to become beleaguered, parts of them become separated and have to fight on their chaos. The Sabres begin to become beleaguered. Parts of them become separated

and have to fight on their own. The Sabres are doing a very poor job. But when the Orcs try to push through the gates, and you can see the Orcs now, the town guards step up, unaffected by the spectres because the Sabres are dealing with them. The town guards take on both the orcs and the undead on their own and hold their own.

Yeah! Heroes! We're all getting promotions if I survive this fight! The orcish chieftain you can tell because of his headdress and characteristic armour. Hey, it's that guy again. I haven't seen you since the start of the game. Chieftain Whiplock. He stands upon Rub, screaming, bellowing orders. He grabs in both hands his giant axe, hefts it into the crowd. His axe cuts through two town guards, embedding deep in a third.

And then he reaches out. A giant bolt of lightning leaps from his hand to the axe, and then the axe sails back into his hands. He cries out victoriously, and taking some of the blood off the axe, wipes it on his face to show his superiority. God, I hate orcs. I have to go walk move. 16 town guard aim bows at Whiplock. All of them unleash at once. Whiplock is so peppered with arrows,

he drops the axe and collapses. Oh, fuck. Yeah! Not even one. Whiplock's dead. Yeah. Town Guard are kicking ass. The Orc, Shaman, Shaman Getz, takes over.

She's on the other side behind where you guys are. That's alright. Uh, Piers, how many zombies are you fighting? How many will there be, here and all? It tries to attack. It just hopelessly throws itself against the cleric's shield. Periwinkle. Yeah?

Lord Triton, still holding Clara's broken weapon, yanks her forward onto his sword. Mmm! Oh no. Mm-hmm. Adam. Her...her... Ah.

Ah. Ah. Crit fumble. Pointy end goes there. As he drags her in, he snarls at her. I'll kill you, you bitch! She, with her free hand, grabs the sword, rests it from his control and points it instead at him, and when they slam together, it embeds into

him. She snarls back at him. You first! That's good. That's good shit. He takes one point of con damage. Oh. They separate. He pulls the sword and tries to slash at her. She slams the sword down with a gauntleted fist, and it skips off dirt. He reaches out. Kara's a good fighter.

Leon, the guy you and Evelyn are fighting. He reaches out with a hand, and a gigantic bolt of lightning leaps from his head and blasts through you that through Evelyn and down a line of town guard he kills nine members of the town oh some bitch fucking sub commanders god damn it. Tell you what. I will get him And deals or no, there's a lot of die 16 points of damage to you and Evelyn. Oh Roll out of the way in time. Are you reflexes cannot do lightning? They are, uh, frozen. Piss. Now just pour holy water on the zombie.

Pour it on your loot. Oh yeah, I'll lube up my loot with holy water. That'll be your action. That's fine, then the cleric can get it. Pshhh. Pour holy water just on the cleric. The cleric gives you an odd look. Don't fucking eyeball me.

He slams the zombie with his shield and hits it with his mace. The cleric gives you an odd look. Don't fucking eyeball me. He slams the zombie with his shield and hits it with his mace. The zombie goes down. It's you standing before a commander. Oh, you're right. You look like a rumble. You recognise this one? Show me my dick.

Have me and you, have you have you, uh, this one? No. You wife, mine. It's a woman. Fuck you. You know where is Lady Forester? Have we ever slept together? No, she's way too nice for you.

That's fair. You know Lady Forester is more of a mage than a fighter? You know that she has powerful natural magics about her. You are aware of the concept of a druid. You wonder where her tiger is. There. Uh, it is periwinkle stone. You continue to fight Lord Triton?

Yeah, yeah. Goggles is firing arrows, right? Yeah. Bring the stingers out, Apis, bang. First, you go low, stabbing him in the belly, looking him dead in the eyes. He turns from Clara to look at you surprised. And you begin to just work your stinger all around in his gut.

You feel it catch on his lungs because you have sensation to it. And you drag down and around as you drag them down and around. You feel it catch on his intestines. You drag them up and around. You feel it catch on his intestines. You drive them up and around. You feel it wrap around. His heart begins to wrap around. You're just churning his insides like a big pot of spaghetti that you put a spoon in and stirred around.

You deal. Jesus H. Jesus H. Willikas. Forty two points of damage. Jesus H. Jesus H Willikas. 42 points of damage. Then, as you swing with your next blow, his gauntleted fist grabs your gauntleted fist, jerks, you hear a snapping in your arm, and he redirects your blow into your eyes.

Jesus. The world goes dark. Both eyes? Am I blind? Everything is dark. Into your eyes Jesus the world goes dark both eyes my blind Everything is dark Have I told Gorgas and Clara what to do? What did you want them to do? Well Gorgas? I wanted to shoot an arrow at cheek face. I'm now gonna tell Clara fix my eyes I can't oh You're now my eyes

All right, then. GROWLS I'm draining his hit points. She drains 25 hit points from the man. Fuck me. Right, I'm gonna tell Evelyn if we can try that manoeuvre we did again, where she just bum rushes and I try and do that sneak attack behind. You're using the sentence and that sneak attack behind and you realise you're talking to a

giant cloud of dust in the shape of Eveline. She's charging forward, got her sword in a ready stance, screaming. I try and run and do a flip overhead. She slams into this guy, piercing him straight through the belly. He doubles over in agony. You run over her back, grabbing his tunic as you come down, and you stab once. Then when you've got that dagger, you stab a second time. Then it is...

The tiger's turn. Time to get hated by a tiger. You're not wondering where the tiger is for very long A field mouse scampers towards you. It leaps through the air at you and as it leaps It turns into a tiger a mid jump. Ah, fuck the tiger odds or evens odds lands on you. Fuck The tiger, Odds or Evens? Odds. Lands on you. Fuck! Hehehehehehe.

Fuck, Pierce, you're the luckiest boy in the world. The tiger leaps over you too far, and as it comes down, the cleric swings with his Morningstar, catching the tiger right in its face. It yips, and then tumbles end over end into the dirt. The tiger is blinded for three rounds. Blind tiger, get it good. The cleric spins around such that his back is to you. He says, you got the woman?

Oh, his. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Alright. Yeah, I bet I don't. The woman charges forwards with a scimitar. She screams. Alright, good. Slashes at you with the scimitar. You take five points of damage. Alright, good. Slashes at you with the scimitar, you take 5 points of damage. Oh good. Alright.

The tiger's blind and prone. Give me the tiger, Clara. On three. Is that directed at me? Yeah. Oh fuck, odds. Odds. You hear Clara scream. My hand! You feel something warm splash on your Splash on your face. Ugh. Then... Uh, Leo, the guy slowly starts pulling himself off Evelyn's sword and backing up.

He gets a couple feet away from you and then... Wind! A burst of wind buffets both you and Evelyn. Shit. Both of you fall prone and are blown far back away from him. You don't take any damage, but he's not fighting you anymore. You gotta deal with some zombies next turn. Ah, dammit. Eight zombies.

Eight? Oh, Mios, dear. The sabres get a hold of themselves Hey! Oh my god! they begin to win against the thousands of spectral soldiers. They're slowly making progress, and some of them begin mounting up again and charging into the undead hordes. Some of them even devote themselves to the orcs, and as the orc chieftain starts casting a prayer over the enemy soldiers, reaching out with an empty hand and an outstretched arm holding a stick with some sort of weird magical rattle on it. Mid spell, a saber rides past, swings a sword and lops the shaman's head off. So far the orcs have been about as useful as my eyes in this fight. Leaderless,

the orcs begin to flee. Count Ga Guard chase them and cut them down easily. Good, good. I mean like a massacre is happening. The orcish forces go from like 800 to maybe 400 in the matter of like 30 seconds. Count Guard destroy them. Count Guard has been doing very well, gotta say. Pierce! I'll just cast like confusion on her. Just regular confusion. You see her throw it off as if confusion on her. Just regular confusion.

You see her throw it off as if it were nothing. The cleric, what do you want him to do? Swap places, swap places! You swap around, the cleric barrels forward towards her. On you, Gavin. He swings, but she ducks underneath the blow and laughs at him. Rude. Shit.

Perwinson. I'm blind, but he's still holding onto the gauntlet that's like pinned me in the face so we're still close to one another. Yeah you can still feel him breathing on you. Great. He's got a visor yeah? Yes. Am I close enough to like grab the helmet? You could try. You're blind though so it's like where is it? What are my chances of grabbing the helmet and just slamming bees into the visor into the helmet and shutting the visor on him? 50-50.

That's good odds! Fuck it. My odds are gonna be the same whether I try and hit him with my gauntlets as well, cause I'm too... You're gonna take damage even if you jam it into his thing. Bees will come out. The bees do not obey you. No, no, I know. They just attack whatever's in the area.

And then shut the visor on him to try to trap them in the helmet as much as possible. Alright, 50... Also, goggles. Is, uh, arrowing. I can't hit him with you in the helmet as much as possible. Alright, 15... Also, goggles is arrowing. I can't hit him with you in the way, boss! Ha ha! How bad's Clara hurt? She's standing!

Good! That's something. Heis a Lurz. Loos this time! You guessed right. You grab his helmet, pop it open and then jam bees into his face. What the hell are bees? Why is this shot? Fuck you, power wiggle. What a way to go. What level bees? They're just the small, the last bees I've got. You hear him, like, hit the dirt.

Skogles yells from behind you, You got him, boss! Clara! You hear Clara muttering, Oh, goddess, please, please bring me my hand back. Oh, boy. Who can he definitely? Leo. Um, right.

Exambies, huh? So, I'm gonna order Evelyn to try and chop as many as she can, and then I will mop up the dress. Fair call. Evelyn, her greatsword, on the end, it's got, like, a flare, like a barb almost to it, as if it were designed like an arrow. You did not know why that was the case until now. You noticed that that is what hooked that first zombie,

and she uses that again to hook this zombie which she picks up and then bodily throws it back in the direction you came. You think purposely directing it at the commander that you guys were fighting. She screams into the crowd, I'll kill you! I'm going to wear your teeth! The zombie lands in between Evelyn and the Sub-Commander, who is white in the face, looking at Evelyn. Is Evelyn just a human? Yeah. Yeah, cool. Half barbarian.

LAUGHTER Then... Oh, she kills one of them. Leo? I'll try and stab a couple. You try to fight ones that Evelyn isn't fighting. You slash a dozen times at the legs of one of them. I'll try and stab a couple. You try to fight ones that Evelyn isn't fighting. You slash a dozen times at the legs of one of them. It topples over backwards like a tree, thwomp, hits the dirt, and does not get up.

It's not dead, but it can't get up. It is well-beaten. It's no longer a hazard. Then three of the zombies attempt to grab at Evelyn, but she whips once with her sword a second time, and you don't think zombies can feel fear, but they frankly look like they're showing fear. She's a scary lady. Let's go with some evens.

The other three zombies try to charge you, Leo, but Evelyn steps in between you and the zombies and screams at them. Spittle flies from her face at the zombies. They slow down to engage her. She grabs one of them and slams the other two with them. I'm afraid. I don't want to admit this, but she's amazing.

She's like a powerhouse. Piss the tiger gets up. Ah, fuck. Grr. Grr. It's trying to find you, but it can't. Oh, that's good. The lord that you're fighting, lady forester, grabs a mound of dirt and hurls it at the

cleric. It strikes the cleric in the chest and vines. They try to wrap around him but he grabs the big mass of vines and tentacles and tears it off him, chucking it to the ground. It crumples up into dead leaves. Uh, Periwinkle, your one's dead. Yep. You get a round of relief.

Oh, I'm gonna have a potion. Take a breather. Take a breather, man. Have a smoker. I imagine Evelyn would be able to fix my ice. Yeah. Evelyn or Dickhead. Evelyn or Dickhead might be able to sort you out. With the orcs retreating and the spectres dealt with, the town guard and the sabres turn their attentions back on the undead. The fight has turned from lopsided against them, lopsided against you, even lopsided against them. The town

guard and sabres begin making progress. You can see that on the opposite side, they're nearly to you. Good. That's good. That's good. That's gonna be useful. Piss. Stale Necleric, can I jump on the back of the tiger's head and like almost mount the tiger and then slam my loot onto the back of its head? Because the tiger's blind, if you... Uh...

Yeah, you can try. Yeah, I'll give it a go. Like if we were getting an explanation and it was just like, no, you know what? Fuck it. Just give it a crack. Just do what you need to do. Have a red hot go, Sonny Jim. Get in there, bud. You leap onto it and slam downwards, breaking one of its front paws.

The tiger cries out in pain. So does Lady Forester. Are they connected? Yeah. The tiger's leg is broken. Jesus. What do you want the cleric to do? Get the druid dick ab I got the tiger it barrels forward You're going to kill me. Are you going to kill me? She yells as he charges forward. Yeah. Yes

To see the cleric tackle lady forested to the ground He puts a hand to her forehead and says, I'm going to do more than that. What? He begins pulling at something on her face. You're not sure what's happening until you recognise it from when the blood cultist did it to you. Oh, boy. He begins pulling her sword out through her mouth. Whoa. Wait, shit, if her soul first soul goes my just riding a normal tiger

He finishes with the storage the spot tearing her soul out through her mouth. I want to let Streaking towards the sky. What was that weird noise? It sounded like a soul streaking towards the sky. What was that weird noise that sounded like a soul streaking towards the sky? Lady Forester convulses and then goes still. Ah, damn it, that delicious soul. The tiger turns back into a regular tiger and starts freaking out. Oh no! Do you think you've just got a taste for souls? I do a bit. Look, it could be delicious. Oh, look at that one go. Periwinkle, your vision returns. Oh, hey. Oh, that's good. Just in time to see it disappear into the clouds. That's weird. So I look around. Clear.

You can start charging towards the other side. Clara's good. Clara's like, you know the, in Deadpool, like the little baby hand? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like that rapidly growing to a full-sized hand. Cool, should be doing that. I'm going to have a potion because I've got three, I think. There's still a one subcommander. Yours. Yeah. And a tiny 65. That's good, that's good.

No wait. Whatever, 65. I think I did the maths one. That's alright, I was doing bad maths too, I was on like not as high as I thought I could be. uh, well I don't need Clara to heal me, she's healing herself. Goggles! Sir! Get that commander! Aye, sir! His arrow lands true and the commanders die. What the fuck?

Seven points of damage. Oh, he's down. Hey! We've killed all the commanders! What the fuck? He falls over. No one's fighting anyone? I'm zombies riding a tiger. The fight begins to die down. Piers, if you want to just get off the tiger. Can I get off the tiger and like smack it on the bum so it runs into the zombies?

Yep. Get him, dick-hab. Not you, dick-hab. The tiger runs into a group of zombies, freaks out and starts attacking them. Hello, beastie. Hello, beastie. Jackson Bailey getting two pipes of the Caribbean references in. Doing good.

Yeah, yeah. You guys stand in the clearing in the center. There's no human allies of Eaton left. Just a horde of zombies that are slowly being picked off. Which are at the other side where we're sandwiching them in. Yep. Your men start slowly trickling through to the other side. The zombies are hopelessly surrounded. They start being cut down.

Are we winning? You take a breather. Each of you. The town guard and the sabers are doing so well now. Zombies are not a hassle for you guys anymore. Right. Well, do we all just, does anyone need some healing? Get some potions.

Barra turns around and says says I'm out of magic. I'll down a potion. The cleric says I've got some magic left, but taking souls is not easy. That's okay. I've been motored potion. I'm on a reasonable amount of health. I get pierced a health potion. As for you, Magisterna, feel free to go ashore. Fuck the very next time we make port! Oh, it's such the... But it's this bit.

It's the... The very next time we make port! It's because he's having such a good time. He thinks he's so funny. And that's awesome. This guy is blotted out by darkness. Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Do you think this fight is over?

He swoops down over the town guard who scatter in his presence. He breathes a burst of acid. It's slammed like, good thing I've got that cloak on. Making a giant line along the ground. In one attack, Eaton members of the town guard well I've got the cloak on so I should be that cloak you get the cloak resistance five there is this energy acid potion do I drink that to up my acid resistance yes each of you feel a wave of fear clutch at you. All of you are frozen, unable to move,

just gazing at the creature. It swoops down again. Ninety-one gods and sabers are killed. It slams into the ground, swiping, bang, bang, tearing giant suites out of the ground. A spell rips out of one of its hands, like the giant lightning bolt, but so much bigger. A large section of the keep is blasted apart and showers of rocks fall down upon the crowd. People are being killed left, right and centre. Jesus. You're still rooted to the ground in fear, unable to act. Damien Eaton kills 38 people, stomping on them.

Any Damien Eaton was a winning ticket. No. Damien Eaton was the winning ticket. Finally, Damien Eaton stops stomping around and turns to face U3. Do you think this is over? I am worth a thousand of your armies! Finally, you're able to move.