D&D is For Nerds - Jarren’s Outpost: EE #6 No One Messes with Family

Episode Date: March 1, 2025

Once again the weapon slips from our hero's grasp at the last second, this time falling into the hands of the nefarious and deadly Surefoot Family. What's more they have kidnapped Perriwinkle's wife and children. Big mistake. Now with Leo's help, it's looking like an all out halfling gang war and in the shadows, Gregg Piss pushes his luck with more dangerous deals and new dangerous friends. One things for sure. Blood will be spilt. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Acast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. If the New Year's resolution you made to read more books is not quite panning out, don't sweat it. I've got you covered. I'm Mattea Roach, and my new podcast Bookends is all about discovering great books and getting to know the writers behind them. Like Brian Leo Malley, whose personal connection to Toronto helped him create the icon Scott Pilgrim. Bookends with Matea Roach is available now wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

Acast.com Jaren's Outpost is a bustling city located in the nation of Goldcrest. A nation that nobody cared about until the king was slain by a bunch of adventurers. Unfortunately, adventurers did what adventurers do, and they didn't think of the consequences of killing a powerful tyrant, and they promptly left the citizens a gold crust to figure it out for themselves. For now, Jaren's Outpost is a melting pot of religions, criminals, politics and paranoia, with everyone keeping everyone else in check. But all that's about to change. Welcome to the enhanced edition of Jaren's Outpost. Now, the only thing that makes me really wary is...

This is Greg Piss we're talking about. Put him in the vault. Block the door. I'm okay with that. You roll him into the vault and close the doors on him. Just before I close the doors, I'm gonna throw a beecapsule into the vault. That'll on him. Just before I close the doors I'm gonna throw a bee cabbage into the vault. That'll kill him. I know it will. I want to take his loot though.

You mean my L-O-O-T or my L-U-T-E? I meant L-U-T-E but also everything. Can I also put my thumb through his fake eye that the Sabers can see? I don't want the Sabers coming to rescue you. Yeah, no, that's fair. Because you're indebted to them or something like that. Yeah, it pops out as if it were like a glass eye. Bang. The eye rolls around madly in your palm before you crush it. We'll keep some of these though.

From that involved too. Cheers. Off we go. Hey Thursday, ah, remember how you always wanted to learn the loot when you retired? Have this loot. That's reinforced. You can use that as a weapon. That was like my weapon fuckers heavy he says hefting the loot you're a strong fellow Thursday like you've died a lot in games I don't think

we've ever fucked you over I'm excited this is like my favorite position to be in and we shut the vault yeah shut the vault when you close the door you hear thunk thunk click click click click like everything relocks well i would say i didn't see that coming but i did and it still happened anyway let's get out of here yeah speaking of not seeing things coming she you look back down the the corridor past the security checkpoint and you see roughly 20 halflings. All of them recognise quite easily the Shorefoot family. The new and up and coming halfling family.

Blazing red hair all 20 of them. They have weapons leveed at you. I can't help but notice you've got a little something there that we're looking for. There's only one way you're getting out of here alive and that's if you chuck us the bag. Yeah, chuck him the bag Leo. Fine, I throw him the bag. Blue lining or red buckle?

Red buckle is the one I have. You've got both. Oh do I? Oh yeah, the heavier one. No wait. It doesn't matter. Whichever bag you throw in, he sees through your ruse. Can't help but notice you've got a couple other bags there.

I'm really enjoying it. Can we try another ruse? I'm not very charismatic so. I get it. Fine. Fine. Fine. Do you throw them the real bag?

No. I don't have it. I've got the real bag. Once again, he shakes his head Why don't you just give us everything you've got? Everything I've got? If you're gonna turn this into some sort of like well, here's everything I want and then you charge us It's not gonna work. You know that right? I'll give you everything I got You better be reaching for a bag He does not seem to be happy with whatever's going on

I'm enjoying this guy Richie's Adam Cannavale's lock stock and two smoking half medium peas times two you can only throw one at a time while you throw the first one and then they'll have a response you have a large I throw the large pea medallion I throw the big one a massive explosion of bees disrupts their line. You wound a bunch of them, but you only actually kill one. How badly did I wound the bunch? A lot of them managed to escape unscathed. Don't get me wrong, like all of them have taken some minor damage, but you did hurt pretty much everyone. Let's do this shit. Well, you can. I am not on well hit points. Get

behind me. I am. Like I'm gonna hide. Look at my eye. Also when you get behind me you should give them the bag to one of the first days. Oh yeah. And a hail of crossbow bolts sail in your direction. Shit. I died doing what I loved, locking a man in his safe place. Periwinkle? Yeah. Of the ten that aim vaguely in your direction, six score hits. The rest like so many are just knocking each other out of the way trying to attack you. Yeah. Where are they? Are they at the other end of the barricade or are they past the barricade? They're on the other end of the barricade so it's an advantageous position for them,

but there's a lot of them. You take 38 points of damage in total. You're a bit past halfway now. That's alright, I'm still pretty strong. Not all of them bother firing at Leo because they can tell that you're badly wounded. Like Tommy Gunn style, they just start shooting at you guys, except's crossbow bolts. Well, you're... It's bad. You are on...

Well, you're on negative eight. Eighteen points damage. Am I going to die? Maybe? You're always to help me. Stop. So what will happen is next turn, well, you'll be bleeding out. You make a quick check, which is like a one in ten chance. and if you get that 1 in 10 chance you stay at negative 8, otherwise you go to negative 9, round after that, saying check, that's when you die if you fail.

Your boys need to save me. They can do that on the turn that Adam's given away. Speaking of your boys, can one of them try and save Leo? Uh, one of them certainly can, yeah. Two of them take hits. So the one who doesn't take hits can help Leo. One of them gets downed. Saturday goes down. Is he dead? You can't tell. He just took one to the chest directly in his heart.

He collapses backwards. The rest of you take like... I'm not even going to describe where you're hit. You're hit all over. You feel like a pin cushion. Well, now I'm a very angry pin cushion. Periwinkle, they haven't really moved much. So if you want, you could throw another, like, B-bomb at them and do a smattering of damage. So I use one of the medium ones.

Alright. While telling Thirst-Aid to stabilise Leo. Hey! The weapon in the bag? Does that require complicated setup? Well, you haven't seen it in action, so you have no guarantees one way or the other, but you could certainly try to open the bag and get into a tabloid. Anyway, you chuck the little bee thing. It doesn't deal as much damage this time round, but a bunch of them have been weakened. And you manage to kill a further five. So there are six dead in total now. Right, how many were there? 20?

20, so there's 14 left. Ooh, good luck. Good luck. Periwinkle, you also check on the bag. You try to open it, but it won't move. You look at it and you see a combination lock written in Gnomish. Oh, fuck. Gotcha. You don't speak Gnomish, Periwinkle,

but you know the combination is 10 digits long, or 10 things long. The Gnomish alphabet has 58 characters in it. So 58 to the power of 10? Good luck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no. I did some quick math for you guys.

I'm not 100% sure if the math is correct, but there are 430 quadrillion, 804 trillion, 206 billion, 899 million, 405 thousand, 824 different combinations it could be, which would take you a total of 27.3 billion years. Alright, so if we just like- So I better get started now. So in time out, um, fellas, I put the bag back in my bag. Oh no, I'm dead. Didn't one of my boys try to stabilise him? It hasn't been their turn yet. It's their turn now.

Oh good. Yeah. The one that got hit is gonna do fighting. The one that didn't get hit is gonna do stabilising. Okay. He stabilises you. Oh thank Christ. So you won't die next time. Oh good.

The other one charges down to try and fight. Doesn't he have any ranged weapons? They had crossbows a moment ago. Oh yeah, sure, he fires that instead. He's only able to fire at one of the, like, minor halflings. He kills them though by blowing out his chest. Pfft. It's their turn.

The leader of this group yells, Where's this fuckers? Oh yes. Three of them begin reloading. The other ten drop their crossbows and charge in. Oh no. Oh wait, Thursday with a T goes down, a crossbow bolt slices out part of his neck and he collapses. Oh it hasn't been Ian's got and got.

I don't know, Ian's outside, he hasn't given us any warnings though. Wasn't Ian outside to keep an eye on things? He was. Why didn't he warn us of anything? Because he got got. Where are my other boys causing distractions? Are they gonna be able to help us? They're fighting with the big group.

Grrr. They probably should have brought them with us. Pretty isolated right now. Should probably take a leaf out of Greg. This is bookend. Run? How? Just saying.

Out of windy? There's always an exit. Can we log out of the vault from the inside? Can I just say, if I start running, I'm big and take big steps. If I pick up Leo, how quickly can we get past these fuckers? We wouldn't. You'd be taking a lot of attacks of opportunity, but in one round you could bound past all of them.

But getting past them is a difficult prospect. Yeah, they're gonna hit me. Basically all of them are gonna get a free hit as you run past. Yeah. Is there a window to leap out of? You're underground. No, then. It was one corridor. This there a window to leap out of? You're underground. No, then. It was one corridor. This place is designed to defend the vault. Um, alright. Then, as

the R goes down, the crossbow bolt pierces his ear and blows out the other side. He wanted to learn the loot. Those they are slumps over Leo very dead. Hey, my loot! A bunch of them just close the distance. So they're up next to you, all of them have like various different fighting implements. Some of them are armed with simple swords or daggers. Some of them have like more complicated like it looks like two of them are dragging along like a net between them, but it's a hooked net. Paralynchal, it's your turn. There's like three of them in front of you. How many could I hit and kill in one hit with my Gauntlets and my Great Plague? You could hit all three of them

Fuck it. Let's do this shit. Do you want to do you want to take your own energy to use the gauntlets? It means if I clear this three although if I clear this three the next three have to get to me before they can attack Me and they'll probably be able to do that just on that turn though I say the next wave of three incidentally is their leader. You know this guy's street name? Cotton Socks they call him. That's awesome. Cotton Socks. What? So, let's do it. I'm gonna great cleave, fucking gauntlet these people. Alright, you take 14 points of damage, but you start moving forward, just punching through them. You kill three of them, and you have enough momentum to keep going to Cotton Socks if you want.

Yeah, I wanna do that! Pfft! I'm blind-raged, that's just... Half of them are dead, man. You take another six points of damage, putting you on four hit points, but at the end of your rage, you have killed six of them. Cotton Socks, you, like, picked him up him up with like the blades on your fucking stinger. Just ripped him in half? You just started- you fucking Wolverine'd this shit.

Yeah, that's what I thought I did. They're like, Logan'd on the ground, if you will. I old man Logan'd these fuckers. So you kill Cotton Sox? Cotton Sox is dead, but they don't stop fighting. Oh damn. Boom! So there's none near me now? There- oh, there's still more coming. Okay. How many of the guards left? I said that I fell down but we don't know if he's dead. Right.

Yep okay. Periwinkle. Yeah. The net is thrown over you. You take three points of damage putting you on one hit point and you're completely bound in the net now. How did a net hurt you? Maybe it's got spikes on it. It's got spikes on it. Oh I see. The hooks begin to tear through your flesh. So I'm now in a net, and I can't find my way out of the net. Also I'm assuming my gauntlets have gone back to normal now, which is what's happened. How many are left now? Can I tell them to just...

One of them, there's nothing you can do, you just are aware that he's doing it. He extracts the bag from your back, slides it over onto his back and he yells, alright boys we got what we came for. The halflings begin to scarper. Can I reach my necklace Adam? Or, can I use my get out of jail free card? It's killing you. You're just killing me, I did give you a get out of jail free card. Should have used it earlier.

Okay. You can use your get out of jail for free card. No rolls required. You just, with a Herculean effort, burst out of the net. Rage is filling you. You're watching the halflings scarpering back down the tunnel. You take one step forward and you hear next to you a moan. Saturday is badly wounded lying on the floor. So I go after the halflings, I don't have to make a roll. I get the bag back but Saturday dies. You might get the bag back.

You might get the bag back. You give yourself a chance. Look, here's the option. Your mate is dying. Or we get the bag and again, it's a big if. But also, if they've got the bag, they might not know how to unlock it. Also, Little Low's likely to help us if it's the Shortfoots. If Eden hadn't unlocked it by now, chance I will, maybe he's got a pick-up bottle. Oh man, I wanna punch people so bad. I know. What a bullshit get-out-of-jail-free card.

You're the one who cashed it, mate. No, no, no, that's the trick with Adam. He fucks you. Alright. Oi! Does any of them turn around? One of them looks over his shoulder. Tell your old man, when I find find him I will eat him alive. He like stops right before he turns around the corner turns around to you it's the guy who grabbed the bag off you and he says you know where we live he ducks around the corner. Fucking gotcha. I'm gonna break some halfling

next. I check on Saturday if he dies anyway. No, you stabilise Saturday. It takes you like a little while, but you manage to strap his wounds so that they've stopped bleeding. Saturday's like gonna have to be carried out of here. Oh, you probably checked the two Thursdays. Two Thursdays are definitely dead though. No, actually. The one who got his throat torn out, you save him as well.

You're a hero. Thursday T is alive and Thursday R is dead. I lost so many lives. The Thursdays are not going to be the same with just one Thursday. No. It's like when a twin dies. It's like there weren't twins, but it's like when a twin dies. It's like the Weekend Brothers when you lost Sunday.

Yeah, exactly. Is Leo conscious yet? No. No, Leo won't be conscious until, like, he's healed. Am I going to need to carry all three of these dickheads out of here? Yes. Can I carry all three of these dickheads out of here? Yes. Can I carry all three of these dickheads out of here? That's a strike. Maybe part of the security checkpoint there was like a table? Yeah. You break the legs off the table. Load them up

like a stretcher. Load them up like a stretcher. You drag it with you. Yeah right. Drag it behind me like they're on a sled or something. Yeah. Alright? Alright. It takes you a long while, but you get back to the entryway that you came in through. You find Ian unconscious lying at the entrance. Hey! I load him onto my table. He's alive! He's alive! He's alive!

Can I wake him up, possibly? Yeah, you can ral- Alright, I'm gonna slap him and wake him up. Ian, Ian, what happened? Uh, ah, jeez, I'm sorry, they- they came from all directions. There was nothing I could do, I'm so sorry. It's okay, Ian. We'll make those fuckers pay.

No, you don't understand. They didn't get the drop on me. They surprised me. Surprised you? I, they said they have your wife. Ah! I just got chills. My whole body just went cold and numb.

I just didn't know what to do and then they swarmed me. It's okay, it's okay. The two of you are like lift up the table with everyone on it and as you're leaving he just keeps... I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. It's okay Ian, it's not your fault. Ian will never forgive himself. Have you heard from any of the others? No, no I haven't. All right, Have you heard from any of the others? No, no I haven't. Alright. We go back to the guard house to get everyone triaged, including myself. You make it back? I'm assuming you're probably worried about your family, so you stay long enough just to drop Leo, Thursday, Saturday, and Ian off.

Did any of the other boys make it back? Everything's very chaotic right now. Apparently during the assault it was going pretty well. They were like taking the wall. And it looked like at some point they might actually just get rid of Eden and it would be good. But then Eden himself joined the fray and the powerful magician just started like Annihilating people.

Annihilating people left, right and center. Then the dragon joined. And it was a very quick thing from after that. They started rolling people up. A lot of people died. Did the sabers come to the fight? The sabers were not there, no. A lot of people started getting rolled up.

I might have to finally kill the sabers too. Fingers crossed the sabers think I'm dead. People saw the dragon attack the dwarven ships. Oh no. So you're gonna kill the Commodore, you're gonna kill my friends and you're kidding at my wife. Yeah. I kinda hate you a bit.

There's a big notice board like out the front of this major guard house. It's usually reserved for like general notices but right now people have just been sticking up like scrolls with like... Have you seen me? Yeah, have you seen me or like Laura, your family want to know where you are, contact us immediately. Shit like that. Oh Laura! family at want to know where you are contact us immediately shit like that oh Laura the fighting spilled out really far back into the city into as far as like the center area of the city that's controlled by the militia they got pushed back very far but then suddenly for no reason that they could discern Damien Eaton just left the fight well we're gonna go check on his vault and

find all piss over here all piss boy all Alright well so I'm thinking I should go visit the captain But maybe I should go my home first and then come back and check up on these guys and talk to the captain That's probably a good idea. Yeah, I tell Ian gotta go home. Ian like at first he was just you know staring at his feet with like a like a thousand yard stare But when you're like I need to get back to my family. He gets to his feet and he's like I'm coming with Oh, it means a lot. We have we don't hug but we hug with our eyes Yeah, you like embrace. You know that like man. I'm like grab each other's shoulder or whatever on the shoulder arm. Yeah Yeah, you know yeah, grab the elbow. They're just yeah

All right, let me head back to my house as he's leaving He just casually grabs his great sword from next to to the door. Alright, I got home. You get home, the door to your house has just been caved open. You know immediately something awful has happened. You get inside, the front landing way is like a mess. There's blood on the floor. As you're sort of stumbling around with Ian, you hear a voice upstairs. You hear your gruk-gruk.

Gruk-gruk, gruk-gruk! Gruk-gruk! Yell down the stairs. If you want them, you'll have to kill me! Gruk-gruk, it's me! Race up the stairs. Gruk-gruk comes out of her bedroom to meet you. She's got like a broom handle that's been sharpened to a point that's very bloody. There's a halfling lying dead on the upper landing.

I hug my gruk-gruk in an orc hug, which is all elbows. Very bloody. Fucking gruck. There's a halfling lying dead on the upper landing. I hug my gruck-gruck in an orc hug, which is all elbows. And she reciprocates. Sorry. Your two kids run out from Gruck-Bruck's room. Kiss them, touch them, make sure they're still alive. And then I'm like... You feel something warm and wet when you hug Gruck-Bruck.

She's been wounded. Ian, do you mind just going with the kids into the kids room for a bit? Ian gathers up, what are your kids next? They're called Buns and Sweat Rocks. Buns and Sweat Rocks. And takes them into their room. How wounded is Grook-Brook, can I tell? She's in trouble. He's in trouble. She's in trouble. She's with a casually trained medical eye. You overlook her wounds. It's not fatal, but at her age, it's not good.

Sit her down and I'm like, so sorry. What happened? It happened quickly. There was a knock at the door. The first thing they did was take her, but she she put up a fight like a true orc. Good. I tried to fend them off, but all I could do was protect the kids. She starts crying. You've never seen her cry before in your entire life. Orcs don't cry. It's OK. It's OK. It's OK.

She did the right thing. Who took her? Halflings. Halflings. What color was their hair? Red. Red is the sun. Red is one of the suns. The other sun's beige. Blue, actually.

I'm going to get you to a medic or a person to look after you, and then I'm going to get the kids to a safe house. But I need to get my wife. Ian, who you didn't notice had been standing in the doorway to the kids room, mumbles that it would probably be safe at my place. Thank you Ian. Great friends through this trying time. Ian like nods shakily. You guys go, I'll be just one minute. And just before I left the house, I just wrote a letter and just got it with me. Well, who do you want to send it to? Who do you think I want to send it to? The Shorthoots? Absolutely. Fucking look. You can have a runner sent out

Yeah, great. Can I take Grykrak back with me to the militia to go to Ian's house as well? Yeah, you can all gather together and go to the militia place and then move on to Ian's from there Leo, you're roused by the old like shaman moving through She's a rubbing oinkmen on people's wounds. When she rouses you, she puts a gentle hand on your chest and says, lie, lie still. I look around for any of the Wednesdays or the Saturdays. Goggles, goggles.

You can't see anyone. It's just a mass of people coming in and out. A lot of civilians are here, like clutching wounds. Can I have my backpack, Neo? Your personal effects? Well they are in the building but they're not with you so you don't know where they are. Oh, can I, my stuff.

She nods, all right, all right. When she goes to get your stuff, you're visited by Harry Winkle. So I come in, I come in to next to you and I'm like, how are you? Um, uh, good, what happened? Well, I guess we got out. Yeah, I guess. Do we have the weapon?

They've got the weapon. Yep. We gotta get back. Absolutely. Fucking literally we are. Would you, Lilo, help us take out the sure-foots? The Huffling families aren't friendly, but an open war is like a step above what they're used to. They're definitely trying to help us. Especially if they've got the weapon. They don't just have the weapon.

You have a message, boy, I want you to send this letter, I want to make sure it goes into Hubbard Shorefoot's hands. The runner looks down at the letter, looks up at you and says, I'll try, but... I'll tell you what it says. It's Liam Neeson's speech from Taken. I don't know, but it says why. Alright then. Yes, anyway.

Alright, the runner leaves. As he exits the door, he passes by Captain Tolton. Captain Tolton is like, in a bad way. His fancy, like nice looking armour is not so fancy and nice looking anymore. A massive sigil that was blazed on his front is half warped and torn away. Part of his face looks burnt, horrifically burnt, like the lower right-hand side of it. And he looks like tired, very incredibly tired.

As he marches through the building, people like part, like he's parting the sea before him. And he spots you. He turns around and starts making a beeline toward you. Heh, beeline. Funny. Cause I like bees. Um, I just stand there and let him come. He stops before you, and when he gets up to you, you notice that he's got a bit of a limp and he's cradling one of his arms. Underneath the metal of his gauntlets and holdren, you

can see twisted and blackened flesh. Looks like he's been burnt. He got dragon. He got dragon pretty good. Oh man. Captain Tolton. Ariel Uncle. What happened? He's about to ask you the same question. Shorfoot's had my wife and they have the weapon.

He turns to like a wooden post in the building and just punches it once solidly. I don't know if they're going to be able to open it. There's a no-miss lock on it and to like a wooden post in the building and just punches it once solidly. I don't know if they're going to be able to open it. There's a Gnomish lock on it and it looks complicated but they've got it. I'm going to send a runner to the Gnomes. It's time we made peace. I need you to know something Captain. What I do next, just with the Shorfoots, is not going to be peace. As Acting Commander of the Town Militia and Leader now, I should say, of Jaren's Outpost, you have my full permission to wage war. My eyes light up. Captain O'Rourke. Yes, sir.

Gather what you need. I'll be with you shortly. He marches off. Can I be made an honorary officer? Never mind. Yes, sir. Gather what you need. I'll be with you shortly. He marches off. Can I be made an honorary officer? Never mind. Forget this, Edwin. It's fine. It's stupid. Oh, before he, like, leaves, he turns around. I think you should know.

He's a dragon. Damien Eaton. He's a dragon. Twist! Excuse me? Sir. He marches off. Acast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend.

If the New Year's resolution you made to read more books is not quite panning out, don't sweat it. I've got you covered. I'm Mattea Roach and my new podcast Bookends is all about the year's resolution you made to read more books is not quite panning out. Don't sweat it, I've got you covered. I'm Matea Roach and my new podcast Bookends is all about discovering great books and getting to know the writers behind them. Like Brian Leo Malley, whose personal connection to Toronto helped him create the icon Scott Pilgrim. Bookends with Matea Roach is available now

wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com. In the vault. Oh, yes. Fuckface, what's your name? Greg Pierce. Greg Pierce. Greg Pierce.

It's a pleasure. You come too. You're awoken by the sounds of funk. Funk. The gears and mechanisms on the inside of the door are slowly unlocking. I quickly stand up and try not to look like I was just unconscious. Like in no second I get up and just lean up against the wall. Except for a blanket! You straighten out your hair as best you can.

Lean up against the door. Maybe pull your tunic so that it's sitting right. The door slowly swings open and you see for the first time ever a man you've really only heard about. Damien Eaton is two things. Wild-eyed and as nude as the day he was born. I have like a moment of shock. Composed myself bigger than I thought it would be. Not what I expected. You're like, uh, Damien Eaton, you've been robbed. Damien Eaton steps inside the vault and by the magical light in the vault, you can see that he is drenched in gore. Look him up and down, say nothing.

He also says nothing. He moves around the vault and you know those like, in a bank vault you got all those like little little safety deposit buttons. When he touches them they reveal themselves. Or maybe you haven't. He starts opening them and looking through them. What did you take? He says very calmly.

I took nothing. Originally, I'll admit I was here to take something but the wonderful thing- Stop your babbling! Right, fair, no I took nothing Originally, I'll admit I was here to take something but the wonderful stop your babbling Right. Yeah. No, I took nothing but I can tell you who did take it. He whips around who little offling fella Leo shadow and an orc by the name of periwinkle a walk. I know the York There's a little offling bleeding off but yeah, I Got secrets and everyone else if you want I don't know, a little laugh like bleeding off. But yeah. I've got secrets from everyone else if you want. Yes.

Excellent. I do ask something in return. That's fair, right? Quip for quip. He takes a step forward. Of course. I'd like my soul. Granite, what information do you have?

I'd like to divulge everything I know about every group I'm affiliated with. Oh! That's the most great piece of information. Everything about the Little-O family, everything about the Quietknives, everything about the Shawfoots, however much I know about them, everything about the guards, everything about the sabers, everything about the blood cult. Am I missing anyone?

You're missing an eye. Oh, God. Well, I, um, as long as we're trading things and I'm giving your soul back, maybe it's my turn to take something. How attached are you to your shadow? Not terribly.

Damien Eaton, with one hand, pushes you up against the wall. It doesn't feel so much like a man is pushing you up against the wall. It just so much feels like like a like just a force. And with his other hand, he like puts it onto your shadow. Like pulling down like a shower curtain or something like that. Ping, ping, ping, ping, ping.

He tears your shadow off and throws it aside where it slowly collapses intoces into a shadow you right did he give you your soul back yeah about the soul eat how you get your soul back it's fine that's good to hear now as long as I have your shadow and we're asking for things what did you want your turn well you could help me take care of the sabers. Uh-huh, absolutely. They've got a lot of stuff on me. Alright, now it's my turn.

Oh, right, I see how this is going. Until I get my weapon back, you work for me. Yeah, oh boy, I figured that was happening. Oh good. So, how are you going to get it back for me? The weapon? Yes. Well, uh, for steal steal it? I'm alright at stealing? Get to it then.

Alright then. It's been a pleasure. It has. Before he sends you on your way, he heals you back to full hit points. Ah, thank you, Eton. Can I give you my eye back? No. I don't even ask for it. He's like, would you like anything else? No. I'm gonna take ask for it. He's like, would you like anything else? No. I'm going to take that magnificent doll of yours.

Can I just want to take an ear for the hip? He can. That's fine. Actually, you know what? He takes a couple teeth. Just three teeth. We can make a necklace out of these, he says. It would be lovely.

He opens one of the drawers and just drops them in that and closes it. Oh, and don't forget, I have your shadow. He starts choking your shadow. Yeah, right, of course. Goodbye! He lets go. So long. So if you didn't, if it didn't come across, he's mad.

Like an actual nutjob. Yeah, no, no, I assumed. Right. But hey, look, I assumed. Right. But hey, look, I'm gonna get my soul back. And maybe the same thing will be taken care of. If it's just fucking Greg Pierce with a blanket. Greg Pierce with a blanket is the most dangerous kind of Greg Pierce. The more you take from Greg Pierce, the better he survives.

Can I just say, it's not incorrect. That's fine. I'll start heading into the guard HP though. Okay cool So now we actually will jump back to you guys. Yeah, what are you doing? Oh, so we do we have to get the requisite troops together and equipment heal ourselves up and then Fuck up the shore and then go to little loads because we're gonna talk a little loads and see what we can do We're starting and like, you know little gang war Gang war we can do starting in like, you know. Little gang war. Little gang war. He's like a hint of gang war.

It's just little susan. Susan. A susan gang war. Can I also have a quick squiz what was in the red buckle bag and the blue other bag. Oh yeah. You got those backers, they threw them back at us

because they were like. No. Between the two of them, you find 1200 gold coins. That'll be good for something. Also, I'm assuming you get a bag of holding and I'll get a bag of holding Hey, you find a solid gold idol weighing 10 pounds. Well, the idol is of Damien Eaton himself

Gold idol. Is it naked Eaton? No, he's wearing it. Naked Eaton's a tereoferiant Melt this down. A small masterpiece portrait in a gold frame inlaid with opal. The portrait is of a dragon. A little vial of oil. When you open it up it smells like a little fragrant. It looks like oil that you might apply to a weapon. You find a pellet filled with like a golden liquid.

Ooh, drink it. It's a daylight pellet. You've both seen it before. So when you crack it open, when the liquid is exposed to air, it flares with the brightness of the sun, basically. It doesn't cause any heat, but... It's like a flashbang grenade. It'll fuck up drow and vampires on you. Yeah, basically it's anti-drow vampire thing.

Cool. And a scroll. The scroll would anti-drow vampire thing. Cool. And a scroll. The scroll would actually just be labeled yeah it's a scroll of true seeing. So when you cast it you can see someone's true form. Not like I see Greg Pierce is actually an awful human being it's more like if someone is magically concealing themselves. So I was like oh a dragon. Yeah. Alright cool so we've got stuff. Yep let's try a little low ges, and then we can see what they're... Yeah. Alright, you go to the Halfling families.

The Halfling district is like in complete disarray. The entire place is... not the entire place is ablaze, but like there are fires going on everywhere. It looks like the dragon came through here and was not kind. There are like buildings knocked over, there are massive footprints in the ground. There's a lot of dead halflings are going around piling people up on the streets. This is not good. This is not good. Is there anyone that needs help immediately?

Yes. I mean like there's a lot of bodies to stack and also people are taking apart the rubble to look for survivors. Is there anything that we can do that we could do we should? You could help look for survivors. You go to Little Low. I'm gonna help clean up rubble. Yeah. You save... no people. No. You kill people.

Adam. Adam. Okay, you do what you can, Periwinkle. What you can do though is a lot, because halflings are not nearly as strong as you. Correct. So you do, you're like kind of the excavation equipment that they needed. I don't help any red-headed halflings though, if there are any. I just push them back into the rubble.

Hahahaha! If you sound vaguely Irish, I just push them back into the rubble. Hahahaha! Hahahaha! If you sound vaguely Irish, I just push them back in. Not all of them are part of the mob. I can't tell at this point. Hahahaha! Hahahaha! So, you go to what's left

of Little Low's restaurant. Oh, sh-non, no! I'm out of a job! Hahahaha! You're always gonna need grease. That's the trick about grease. The uh, wagon that you use to transport the grease tarpaulins is knocked over to the side. Yeah. Like a bunch of the, a bunch of the used tarpaulins are just all over the place.

It's, the grease is like kind of a hazard for people and they have to steer clear of it. You see a single halfling arm poking out from the wreckage. Oh no, I gotta have a quick... Who's this who's some? You shift some of the wreckage, it's just a person who worked in the kitchen. Aw man. Jimmy, Steve was on the straight and narrow that one. He wasn't part of this. He was going to get out. I could have been a contender.

He could have been. I could have been a contender. I could have been somebody. Instead of a bum under a building. Life on the streets, man. Anyway, yes. Somewhere in the distance, you begin to hear violins. It's a halfling instrument. Is there is the building anyone there?

Is Papa Little low? You search around the back of the building and you can see in like the like a beer garden type thing that the restaurant had. Yeah, there's Little Little sitting in a chair staring at like a plate of spaghetti. I'm like Lil Lil, you alright? I'm fine. Where's Papa? At home. He's okay? He's okay. He starts like shifting the spaghetti around with a fork. Is he okay? Like what, can I get him anything? Rosita. Where's Rosita? She was in the building. Oh no. I knew he was. Do we know?

Do we? I don't know. He turns around, you see he's like tearing up. I can try, I try and like move some rubble. No halfling is strong enough to do what you need to do. I'll be back, I'll be back. And I run to try and find my Captain O'Rourke. Captain O'Rourke, you were just about

to push a halfling back under, when you realized he's got black hair, and you're just, like, firing your eyes, not on his hair. Oh, I thought you were... ...yeah. But you're making good work. Three buildings in the block, you've gotten pretty much everyone that could be gotten out, out.

Pairing call, we need you. I need you. I'll be back, folks. I'll be back. A carriage has pulled up and slowly ambling out of it is a very morose looking Papa Little Lo. We need to find Papa. Is it daughter not granddaughter? It's his daughter. Rosita might be under the rubble. Can you help? I'll see if I can find your daughter for you Papa middle you can see him tearing up a little bit as well

I almost feel sorry for him bring her back to me Digging digging through the rubble looking for Rosita and maybe some sneaky health Potions hi You're going on it for a solid half hour until finally you start reaching the kitchen. You shift this massive wall, like an entire wall has come down still intact. Oh yeah, let's go. You push it over so that it slams into the backyard. A bunch of halflings have come and started helping you.

Little Little is here as well. He's like, it took him a little bit, but he found himself. He finished his spaghetti, he's good. But yeah, when you shift to this massive wall, you hear like a squeaking sound almost from somewhere, like vaguely where the... would be, or the larder, where they keep lard and stuff like that. I keep excavating.

You shift some more walls, you shift some more rubble, you pick up this massive door, and as you lift it, you can tell that the door had been propped up by the doorway, and cowering underneath the door is a very dusty and slightly bruised Rosita. We saved her! She clings on to you tightly. Little, little and upper little lobe rush over to you. I kind of awkwardly just give them back to her daughter

and then just, like, stand back to the fun and the health potions. You have brought my daughter back from the death! He grabs you and he kisses you on the forehead. Orcs don't do kissing. I could never repay you. I could think of one way. Anything. The sure-foots took my wife and I want to get her back. No one fucks with family. Yes! Yes! Why am I happy that I'm in a criminal family. Just like the end of Zootopia. It's fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Little Little is like propping Rosita up as they move back to the wagon.

He gestures, come with me. We're coming back to my estate. You head out of town towards the Little Estate. Oh, yes. Meanwhile, Pierce, you're making your way towards the guard house in the militia controlled sector of the city. Okay, I'd like to find an alleyway where I can sneak out with a brick wall. I'd like to slam my face against the brick wall and bloody myself up so I look like I've been damaged. Okay, wow, you're gonna take some damage during that?

That's fine. You're gonna take like a point of damage? That's enough. Get a wound on the head, you start bleeding. Alright. Just like... Oh fuck, this is amazing. This is like watching Greg piss in his element. Okay, and then I'd like to approach the militia HQ.

And I'd like to start screaming, We've been compromised! We've been compromised! As I approach. We need to get everybody out! Everybody out! Because I remember You guys didn't tell them what you did with me you do realize Thursdays Thursday and Saturday are both there and they know what you so risk. I'm willing to take that's fair I really hope it doesn't pay off My I know

You wander up stepping out from the, immediately there to greet you is Commander Tolton. Is there anybody else around? No, there's like, yeah, there's dozens of people. What's happening? I need to speak with you in your office. It's of grave importance. It's about the others.

What hurry is it that you can't tell me now? There's people listening. The world's over here, man. Tolton looks you up and down. Fuck, you did tell him and he knew you were working together. Tolten turns around and says, come then. You passed the unconscious Thursday and Saturday. Oh yeah!

You join Tolten in his office. There's like a couple of aides. Ian's taking your kids. There's a couple aides and Tolten's like like snaps his fingers. Get out, out, now. You're alone with Tolton. He leans with like his one good arm on the desk. I'd like to lean like equally up to him and then charm person. Well. Tolton's eyes glaze over. You can tell your spell worked. Excellent. Seven hours you got.

Excellent. He fucking means business now. Yeah, this is like Jack in his element. Where's that weapon told me? Where have you got to hit him? It's with the sure foots the sure foots They are robbed your friends as they were leaving fuck do you know what they took it? Do you know where it is now? He leaves and comes back. He unrolls a map of the city We know they have strong walls here here here I was waiting for your friends to come back, but i might as well brief you on it now yeah all right so we'll come back and get the information after pierce this is amazing he's like a few hours ahead of us got you good we know they have a had a warehouse in the gnomish district

it's one of their safest locations and we've always suspected that the Shorefoots have had some method of traveling through the sewers. Yeah, all right. So we think it's a possibility because it's very safe to keep it there. And where better to hide something than right under the fucking Gnomes nose. Right, you are, right, you are.

Other than that, they have a warehouse in the Docks district, which now that the Orcs have been fucked over somewhat, they could have managed to steal into. And then they have the two businesses, one a clothes shop and the other a jewelry store in Half Linkburg. The official name for Little Tico. Well, so do we think between you and me that the place where it's most likely to be would be that stronghold under the nose? Well, the most logical place would be the jewelry store because you could have security there and it wouldn't seem unusual but I

Just have a hunch. It's with the gnomes. Yeah, all right means either finding our way through the sewers not easy Yeah, or convincing the gnomes to let us in I've sent a runner to try and talk with them All right Well, I'll add to the gnomes and I I'll see what work I can do there, right? You've been a big help. Is there anything I can do? You got my personal effect here, they said that they'd-

They didn't say anything about their personal effects, but I can supply you with some equipment. Excellent. You're fucking late though, I've got that bitch. Fine. I was hoping of some variety, maybe some elf potions, something like that, just to keep me going.

We confiscated this from a thief not too long ago. It's known as the Rogue Blade. He hands you a rapier. Oh, fuck off. It's this awful looking, wicked, slightly curved rapier that also has this delicate beauty about it. Twice a day you can use the blink spell with it for six rounds. Blink just means like a short teleport. He gives you three potions of Cure Moderate Wounds.

Why don't we get potions of our stupid commander? We've got to charm him. This is half of our stock of Cure Potions. We were going to get them off him when we were back. Could I have the other three? I was going to save them for your friends. I'll bring them to him. Alright.

Excellent. And get six potions of Cure Moderate Wounds. It's going to go down real well. Alright. Excellent. And get six potions of pure moderate w- It's gonna go down real well. Alright, thank you very much. Now, like I said, the walls over here, yeah? Mm-hmm. And I wouldn't exclude my two mates. I trust them, but I'm always got in the back of the head that maybe they're the weaklings. Certainly, that little fella, he works for the mob, so I don't know. That's all I'm saying. Commander Tolton sits down in his chair and says, made him a captain. Made him a captain? Well, that's how sneaky they are.

Alright, I got a motor. Maybe keep this little meeting secret between the two of us. You know what I mean? Sure. Alright, absolutely. I'll see you around. It's been a pleasure. And I'll even head for the next. Fucking hell. The only friendly friend I had. While you're travelling back to the Gnomes, we'll jump back to you guys. You arrive at the Little Estate. It's not too far out of town.

It's just far enough that Little Lowe can own just a massive property. It's got like a farm face, but behind it is this like, it's like the medieval equivalent of a mansion. So it's two levels, maybe two wings to it. Mm-hmm. Yep. And you're whisked up into Little Low's personal office. There he sits down behind his desk and he says, So what do you need? What?

How can I help you? Anything. Well. First we call the cleric. Hey, Little, get the cleric. Perfect what I was gonna... Little Little turns around and rushes off to get their family cleric. His probably name is like Antonio. In a chair with you guys in this office, a extended member of the Little Low family, a half thing you guys don't know the name of but who you periwinkle maybe know is like their lawyer

because you've seen it in court. Yeah yeah it's uh it's Seth. Good name for a lawyer. Well he had a name. No Seth it is. No. Seth Little. Attorney at law.

Alright so sure foot's have periwinkle's wife. Also um the sure footots have the weapon. How's things going with the quiet knives by the by? Because they wanted to kick me. So... I don't know about the quiet knives. How old are you? Both of you. Good question, Adam. I'm 119 years old. Old enough that I remember a time before Normish gunpowder. Now the first day the gunpowder was introduced to this city, I remember it well. Because before then, to kill a man, you had to be a man. You had to know how to kill. But a gun, anyone can

kill with a gun. I agree. Hands are the best way to go. That's why I like you. I like a man who gets his hand dirty. The day they bring guns to this town is the day that everything started going down here. This normish weapon is an affront to everything I stand for. It must be destroyed. Furthermore, the Surefoots have fucked with your family. Yes, they have.

You do not fuck with family. No. It is always business. And business, business is not personal, but they have made it personal. The door opens and the cleric comes in. "'Do you have the town guard's help? You've got Tolton?'

"'Yeah, he just made me captain.' "'Oh, congratulations.' "'Thank you. We don't know how many people we'll have, but I imagine it will be a small group of the best men that I can have available to me.'" Little O asks a couple details about what your wife looks like. You answer them. And then he finishes with, I'm gonna give this to my men.

They're gonna look for your wife. We're gonna find where she is. We're gonna find where the weapon is. We're gonna kill anyone who stops us. Sounds like a good idea to me. Little O pushes away from the table, stands up, and draws a rapier out from underneath the table. Let's go! Oh yes! Oh yes! Oh yes!

Oh yes! Oh yes! That's good. You and like 25 halflings all leave the manor. Some of them are armed with bats, some of them are armed with swords, one of them is armed with a chain. You all climb in the wagons and ride back into town. Ah this is good.

Halflings riding on either side with crossbows. So I guess if we're riding back into town, I'm going to check in with Militia. So you enjoy a good podcast and you also like comedy? Look no further than the Pantelis Podcast. I'm Pantelis and this is my podcast. Every week I'm coming at you with a different reason to be angry, whether it's current events or arguing with my comedian friends that also pop into the show. The Pantelist podcast drops new episodes weekly powered by Acast helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

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