D&D is For Nerds - Northern Bounty #10 Lose a Friend, Gain Some Puppies

Episode Date: March 4, 2017

In which our heroes finally deal with their polar bear problem. Chet wonders if he was always hated, Trissa loses her head in a difficult situation and D'aryl was born up north somewhere to some elves.Want to help support the show?Patreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: redbubble.com/people/sanspantsradio or teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter: twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadAdam: twitter.com/RetroArchetypeZammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

SANS Pants Radio! Yeah, that's my favourite. But, after much convincing, they agreed, and together we recorded one of the greatest adventures in D&D is for Nerds history ever, maybe. If you signed up to Patreon before April 1st, you'll get exclusive access to what we are calling D&D is for Dad. Links are in the show notes below, so make your way to Patreon right now and help support the show and feast your ears on something very special. Welcome to Chapter 10 of Northern Bounty, a D&D is for Nerds side quest adventure. Previously. Let's make a polar bear laugh and lose five turns. Looks like an abominable snowman throwing rocks at us.

Are we fighting a fucking yeti? What the fuck is this? And that's your turn. You let go of the yeti's head, it falls to the ground and starts bleeding out in the snow. Shit, Trisha, you're brutal. You get really, like, frighteningly brutal. Like, I'm worried you're that brutal. Again, I'd like to wink at you.

Okay, everyone calm down, or I will strangle little Henry here. Probably shouldn't have named him. You're going to kill him. Probably not now. Wow, you did really well on that intimidation check. Unfortunately, your intimidation check falls on deaf ears!

Ah, you made it! Ah, you dipshits! That's the fall of our attack. Hey, can I use mage hand like mage likes? What are you going to name all the others? Where are we going to keep them? Garfunkel? Oh, he's already written it down! Wolfens?

Gaspi? I'm going to name one Pixels, Paws, Leftfoot, Whoopins. One step ahead. That's cute. Gatsby. I'm going to name one. Pixins. Paws. Left foot. Gibbons. And Rachel. Gibbons is my favorite. You're killing an Alzheimer-ridden gnome.

Mercy. The arrow just wanders back into the cave. Don't feed another puppy. Oh, Chet. What? Get out. Shut the fuck up. Fuck you. Chet, you're lying What? Get out. Shut the fuck up. Fuck you.

Chet, you're lying beneath the polar bear. I've already softened so much. I am beneath the polar bear. Is he just stamping on my head? Odds or evens? Evens. Just roll. Just roll, mate.

Odds or evens? Evens. Odds or evens? Evens. Last one wasn't even necessary. In its wild, chaotic swinging, Chet, you cop a blow. Oh, God. Only one.

And I said evens. You're lucky. Well, I guess it was 50-50. That's not that amazing. Copping a blow is okay. I think that's the first damage I've taken, aside from the no-like. You take 10 points of damage. That's decent.

No, it hit you. No, you took damage from... The Yeti. Yeah, I think the Yeti. Yeah, I think I did. Because you're on 31 now, so you're on 21 now. That's fine. I'll just make it death or laugh or whatever.

Good. I'll just make it death or laugh or whatever. Whatever it takes. Then it is Triss's turn. Gee, I wonder what I'm going to do. I'd like to negotiate with it. By negotiate, I mean with my sword. The greatest negotiating.

There was this little spark of hope from the other end of the table. I was like, no, she's going to fuck me. There was no spark of hope at all, Ali. You didn't bruise me at all. You were like, raise fist. I she's going to fuck me. There was no spark of hope at all, Ali. You didn't bruise me at all. You were like, raised fist. I'm not going to punch you, but you're going to punch me in the face. I know this. And you smack in the mouth.

Like, are you? Don't pretend like you didn't think you weren't. Trissa, you add another one to the half a dozen cuts and gashes and wounds all over the polar bear. The polar bear's fur is now matted red most of it is it's more red than white at this point uh it is chet's turn i would like to cure moderate wounds on the bear no i'll stab up No, I'll stab up. I'll stab up. If I can butthole this fucking polar bear to death.

The Peter Jackson Bailey butthole kill. If that can happen, that'll be swell. I got a copyright on that. Butthole kill. See 1965. What? I don't know. That got lost. I really ran away from you, Jack. You stab upwards.

Well, yeah, you catch the polar bear again and make another wound. At first, both of you feel like, oh, God, we're not doing anything to this polar bear. But in its wild swings, it pauses for a moment and has to like, before it keeps going again, and you can tell you're tiring it. That's good. Then it is Daryl's turn. All right, I'm just going to put him... Oh, you took eight points of damage.

I'm going to do another heal check on myself. Put Henry down and have a look around the cave. Surely if this is where he's living, there's like selves. You're still unable to bandage yourself effectively. Bullshit! You're too busy like worrying about the combat and trying to carry the...

Hey, I'm not worrying about the combat Well that's happening And it's a stress Don't put words in my mouth So you're like Fumbling about with bandages And stuff like that Yeah right

I put the Henry down Alright Maybe some ration There you go You put it down Like you can't walk Well no Pups can walk

From pretty early age Yeah It kind of flops around Yeah so it's eyes Still haven't opened But it's like You know Padding around It's so cute but it's like, you know, patting around.

It's so cute. Feeling its environment up. Then it is the polar bear's turn. You take another eight points of damage. Good. Fuck. You'll be fine. You're tough.

Rage. Get that rage on. Nice. Destroy the puppies. In your fury. Cleave. God. You could Pat the dog too hard

Destroy it It's fine Tell me about the rabbits Tell me about the werewolves Chet, odds are evens Evens You cop another blow I should really get out

You take another ten points of damage I should get out from under this guy, I guess. You should. He's blind in death. Why am I here? I don't know, man. Why did I leap out like a coiled spring? Why are any of us here?

To kill polar bears for me. Trissa, it's your turn. Yeah, I would like to attack the polar bear. Lop its brain out. Ugh, if I could, mate. Disarm its brain. If I could, mate. Disarm its brain. If I could reach. If I could turn back time.

You slash. Your blade, though, isn't able to properly cut through the polar bear's hide. And while you leave a scratch on the polar bear, it doesn't look like it's hurt it that much. Then it is Chet's turn. I'd like to try and crawl away. All right. You spend your turn crawling away.

Okay. I don't want to get fucking stomped on again. You're probably back on the sled now. Arul? All right. Heal myself. Come on. If not, I'm just going to chug a potion.

Well, you'll have to wait until your next turn. But you fail to heal yourself again. Fuck no, not going to heal. Fuck it. Look around cave. What is in cave? There's the pile of silvered weapons and silver ore. There's the wolf pups and some meager belongings that you think belong to the druid.

What? Mop up your blood with a wolf pup. What's in those meager belongings? You scatter, scour through them. There's a lot of survival supplies. Some basic climbing gear, which you're not sure why is there, but there is climbing gear. A lot of, you know, heavy weather

clothes, that sort of stuff. Any selves? Well, there are selves, yeah. Alright. If you want, on your next turn you can bumble through them blindly. Mystery selves. Just drink one. Don't drink a self, Ali. As soon as I said that out loud, I was like,

no, that's just like eating soap. It's the polar bears turn, and D'Arrel, you continue to bleed from that grievous wound on your head. That's okay, just salve that shit up. Salve that shit up. I hope it's a flying self, accidentally, and you're popping wound on your head. That's okay. Just salve that shit up. Salve that shit up. Okay.

I hope it's a flying salve accidentally and you're popping it on the roof. Will you heal from, like, if I can get my wand in there? Yeah. Okay. Okay. I'll get a health potion, yeah? Trissa, odds or evens? Odds.

We keep going evens. I do keep going evens. And Chet, odds or evens? Evens. Chet, you keep getting fucked. Treating me good. Evens is looking after this boy. Chet, you take 10 points of damage as it whops you again.

Am I on one? Yep. Wow, we haven't been here in a while. Have we? Hey! All my shit's still here. Classic. That's great here Classic That's great Classic

Patented Jackson Bailey One hit point left I'm fine One hit point's the best place to be So then it is Triss's turn Attack the polar bear

She's like Parker you're solo in this polar bear This is you This is you You kind of are this is you make like what do I do this is on you mate this is your fight I mean yeah you're taking down the polar bear we've done largely nothing yeah it's good you slash again and you've actually properly cut again the gash in its stomach is big enough now that its guts are

falling out there's blood everywhere and it's almost warm. Oh, boy. We did want to ask him in warm blood. Chet. I'd like to just jam a wand of healing into my gut or whatever and heal myself up. I've always wanted in a game to be like I jam it in and Adam's like, you stab yourself

and die. Oh, goddammit. I were a dick. You regained four hit points. Hey, five. So you're. I were a dick. You regained four hit points. Hey five. Healthy boy. You making your way to the cave?

Yeah and I'll start crawling towards the cave. Okay. Is the polar bear just going to eat me on the way? You lose a use of your wand.

Yep. Bloody cowards. You've got this. Not cowards don't care. Not cowards dying and crippled don't want to actually kill this man. Got this. Not cowards. Don't care. Not cowards. Dying.

Tripled. Don't want to actually kill this man. What would that add to it? The arrow? The arrow. All right then. Chug that health potion. You find here a bunch of selves. Do you want to...

Any of those selves, do they look familiar to me? I hope so. You know what? Yeah. From the... Where were you born? Up north somewhere. Up north.

So maybe a barbarian tribe or something like that? Raised by elves. Whatever. Oh, right. You're an elf. Half elf. Elf tribe. Half elf raised by elf.

Well, wherever you grew up, maybe they had a shaman. But whatever the case is, the healer that you grew up with, you would sometimes go visit them. And in their hut, they had like a small cup of the salve that they would use to treat wounds. And you remember the smell of that salve perfectly. From one of these little cups here, of these salves You remember your childhood Alright A nice moment of nostalgia As outside of polar bear rages

Using the salve You're able to staunch A lot of the blood coming from the back of your neck And now you're down to four hit points Around instead of eight One more check will save you Was that his turn? four hit points around instead of eight. Good. One more check will save you. All right, then. This is good for me.

Was that his turn? I'm going to call that as your turn. Fair enough. That is all right. Hey, a childhood trip, that's a turn. I'd let you move around if you wanted to. No, no. Get amongst the bears.

I mean, the pups. Just putting on these selves. Oh, memory. No, you don't want to do that. They might eat them. Memory. Yeah. Smell of blood.

Oh, yeah, not fair. You get consumed by puppies. What is my hit points at the moment? I've got your hit points marked at 29 right now. Sick. I'm a healthy boy. You are fine. For some reason I thought you were so much lower.

Oh, fuck it. Who cares? Don't even worry about the weight. Raging gives you an extra 10. Sick. Let it bleed, man. Shit. Fuck it.

All right. Actually, no. It's like, all right. Nostalgic man. Shit. Fuck it. All right. Actually, no. It's like, all right. Nostalgic trip. Good. I'm a rage and run to the door or opening of the cave. Wise. Okay.

You run back out. As you do, you lose four hit points. It's fine. Can I throw a halberd? No. Yeah, like a spear. Oh, can you? Out of penalty, yeah.

All right. Okay. So, Trissa, odds or evens? Odds. Odds or evens? Evends. Odds or evens? Evens. Steven. So it's first swing.

Oh, boy. Yes, yes, yes. Wait, wait, wait. Whose swing? It's swing. It fucked up. Yay! You weren't even swinging.

I got confused. Clearly. Clearly, Jackson wasn't looking at the pile I drew from. Ah! You fucked up. You done fucked. Surprise opening. Double damage and a free attack.

Okay, goodbye. Sayonara, chum. It's been real. Goodbye, Trissa. We loved you. Thank God I'm free. Okay, so the good news is... Uh-huh.

Oh, ow. Yep. Bad headbutt. Wow. The polar bear headbutts a tree and is stunned for a round. Bad headbutt. Wow. The polar bear headbutts a tree and is stunned for a round. Oh, that's pretty good. And the bad

news is... It can't be that bad. If that's the good news, it can't be that bad. We're fine. Surprise opening. What? Double damage and one free attack. And that's what I do. You're fucked. You got fucked on. That's's what I do. You're fucked. You got fucked on. That's not what I do.

Trissa, you take 26 points of damage. I don't think I had 26 left. You had 10 hit points left. Does that? That's an outright kill. Oh! What? What?

The polar bear killed me? Your hubris got you. I don't want to be like, you know, this is on you, but it's on you. This is some karma shit right here. What? Yeah. The bear, the polar bear swings and its mighty paw catches you on the head, tears your head free from your neck, and your head sails clear away from you.

Lands somewhere in the snow. Rest in peace, Trissa, whatever your name was. Psychopath who wanted to kill me. I had such plans for you. Chet, it's your turn. You get to the mouth of the cave. You're probably looking at Daryl. Oh, Daryl's fine.

You guys are passing each other. I'll crawl into the cave. Daryl's bleeding very heavily. Can I jam the wand in him as I go? Heal check or something? Yeah, you can. Oh, heal check? Whatever's going to be better for him.

Oh, probably the wand. Okay. In your leg. You recover three points of health, and you are no longer bleeding heavily from the neck Do we see Trissa get You see Trissa's headless body Hit the snow

Well I don't want to say this is her fault Am I a ghost? Can I be a ghost? Am I a ghost? Did I catch ghosts from the cabin? Is that like an infection thing? Not how it works.

Alright then. Imagine if I was a winter ghost though, guys. Frost foul ghost. That. Shit. I think Chrissa did. Thank God. I didn't want to say anything. I think she was trying to kill me. I don't want to give you guys

ideas, but if you make peace with the druid, he knows reincarnate. How? I'm just saying. No, but how? How are we going to? I'm just saying, like. He's blind and deaf. If you find a way.

I'm going to sign his fur. What I could do. I could make him laugh again And you write in the snow And then what Wow How does that help anyone How does that help anyone

No you he'll be like And then he'll read the snow and it'll say something like How will he read the snow He's a human He's not illiterate he's blind and deaf I don't know

we can't communicate with him we can't do shit that's one of his of his selves he was blind so deaf what do you want to get me over there get over there grab self rub it in his eyes I was one of his selves. Cue his blindness.

What, you wanted me over there? Get over there, grab self, rub it in his eyes? No. Just kill him. I'm not going to risk that. I don't know how to bring it back. I don't know how to reason with this. I don't know how to fucking telepathy.

Like, I'd love to. I've been wanting to talk thisid for like the last hour. You fucking moron. The dead one over there. Quite frankly, I think she got what she deserved. I'm anyway so glad she's dead. You know what? While this bear is going around, make it laugh again.

Okay. I'll cast Tasha's hideous laughter on the bear. I hope your gangrene comes back. Your what? I hope your gangrene comes back. We did cut it off at the bottom of the knee. And then he'll be like, she did. She got it. She got me from beyond the garden. Maybe it's something to do with the fact

that the polar bear can't hear you, but the joke just doesn't translate this time. Oh, yes, I forgot the polar bear was, what do you call it? Deaf. And blind. Aral. My turn now? Yeah.

I'm going to end my rage. You want to end it? Yeah. Whatever. We don't have to attack him. He's buckled. Yes. That's so true.

Look, he's blind. That's so true. Look, he's blind. He's deaf. Let's just grab all the silver we can. Look for the frost ice thing. The blue ice. Get as many puppies as you can. Where is it? Do we know where the blue ice might be?

He was wearing clothes and had items on him. And they transformed with him. Oh, they've gone inside. All right. That's first kiss. Fuck you guys. All right. I do not unrage.

Instead, I grab my halberd and I just throw it at the bear and I start charging with silver weapon. I do not unrage. I just want you to think about that sentence. That's a great sentence. Damn right. I don't unrage. So you rage? No.

I'll allow you to use the vicious property still if you want. Oh, I will. That's good. Get that very good. It is. But isn't like the maximum that can hurt you like over your health? No, no, no. Six.

Don't you have five hit points left? No, like, 29, mate. Oh, fuck. I keep forgetting how well you are. You're really doing great. I'm a healthy boy. Your halberd skewers the polar bear in the head. Got him. Polar bear brain all over the place. Let's take that head,

put it on Tris's body. Uh-huh. Tris has a little fucked up thing to do. And starts bleeding into the snow. Alright then. Let's head over to it. I'll butt shuffle

my way over. with my sword. Yeah. Skewer him. Get there. You skewer him with the sword? Yeah.

And grab the I'm not even going to roll. You just kill him. Halberd in his head again. Alright, good. He dies and reverts back to his original shape. Okay then.

That's just so sad. You know? Like, it's Sid, yes. Like, he was, you know, crazy, but... Like, he didn't deserve this. Like, I look at Triss. She did. She was a bad person.

How long have we been with her? I don't know. Like, a few, like, years, I would say. You know, like, and you don't know a person until for some reason they decide did she always hate me? Or does it like a new thing that she's decided now? I'm worried.

You know? I think she maybe got snow crazy. Is snow madness even a thing? Well I do. Because the only time I've ever heard anyone

talk about snow madness it was her. You've heard snow madness before. Yes. Oh okay then. Like she probably had it. All right, let's get this Drude, like, go through his stuff.

Drude, what do you have? You find a bunch of, you find, like, a bunch of alchemical shit on his body. Do you strip him of that? Yeah, sure. Yeah, okay. So you strip a bunch of alchemical ingredients. I'll just write alchemical shit in my inventory. Alchemy

biz. Has he got the blue dagger? It's a battle axe. You find a blue ice battle axe. So blue ice is like regular ice, but it's a solid blue color. Or, well, a translucent blue color, I should say.

And it's cold to touch, as if it were actual ice. All right. Hey, Dar. Yes. Could you... You can grab one of the wolf pups. They don't attack you, right? Great.

Grab two. Those are going to grab them all. Well, whatever, because I'm going to think, you know, like I can't always be having you drag me around. But if we attach two wolves to the sled... Train them up for... And the others you just leave to die?... Train them up for a young dog. Whatever. I mean, look.

Look, uh, bullshit. Grab them all, and then we have pack that can drag you. Yeah, it's kind of like a sled dog deal. You said nine. Sorry? You said nine. Did I say nine? No, I don't think I said nine. You said nine. I named them. Well, I've named nine. No, you said nine. You said nine. Okay, I'll give you nine then.

Don't take away his pups. He gets mad. He can't take care of one little one. I know, it said nine. You said nine. Okay, I'll give you nine then. Don't take away his pups. He gets mad. He can't take care of one little animal. I know, it's funny. You have no points on animal handling. They're going to grow up and turn on you. I believe I do. What?

Yeah, he's got plenty of animal handling. Okay, you can raise some more. Yeah, I can. Good as. All right, chuck him in the bag. All right, so we've got the blue betel ice axe. Now we're going to grab some silver. Anything else?

With the sleigh, you could probably take a lot of the silver, like the ore as well. All right, doing the ore or just like the weapon. Might as well make the town love us more. Yeah, right. That would be like, well done. What happened, Professor? We grab a...

Who knows? Where have we got it? Do you want to pile it up as much as you can, or do you want to be a little conservative about this? Pile it up as much as we can so we can still move well. Yeah. What's moving well? The nine puppies.

So you can keep yourself in a light, medium, or heavy encumbrance. What will get us to the trapper's place in a day? Light. Yeah, we'll go light. That's fine. Medium or anything higher. But a light load means you don't take a lot. You have maybe enough

supplies for yourselves and a small militia of like ten people. Perfect. Easy. You head off? Yep. Strip her body or nah? If you strip her body, you put yourself in the heavy encumbrance. You don't need anything she has. It's fine. Her armor is worth

a lot of money though. We're getting a million for the pharaoh and the baron So We'll put her in And quite frankly our third split Just got bumped to a half Yeah so that's alright We'll just leave her body I guess in the snow

Why is it mean? You were going to kill me So check again You killed an Alzheimer's riddled man. No madness. You attacked an Alzheimer's riddled man and your friend for no real reason. I didn't attack my friend. You cut his feet off.

That's because they were going to go ganky. Yeah, no. See, you would have cut them off because they were going ganky if you'd been like, okay, let's do this. You were just like, sick, I get to cut someone's feet off. Done. It seemed like Daryl was like, I guess we're going to have to cut the feet off.

And you were like, yeah, sweet, woo! I'm in, finally. I hate this guy. All right, I'm going to like, can I inspect that sack of meat the druid had before? Is it human? Is it long pig? You're not a great...

It's like meat is meat. It's hard to tell. All right, meat is meat. All right, puppies, have meat. Don't raise the human flesh. Super good. Let's go. It's like rule one.

Don't give a dog human flesh. It's only little puppy. He won't remember. In the book of Here's How to Raise a Dog, the first rule, open a page, buy Mr. Dog, the first rule, open a page, by Mr. Dog, rule one, don't eat dog, don't make your dog eat man. Look, it's not man, it's long pig.

That's man! What? Long pig means man. Shit. Shit, I fucked up. Henry, spit it out. That's fine, let's just go. Let's just let him eat it. It's That's fine. Let's just go. He's not spitting it out. Let's just let him eat it. It's a long trip.

Let's just go. I'll leave the rest of the long pig alone. Moron. All right. You head off? Yes. It starts lightly snowing

by the time you get back to the trapper's cabin. Okay. You kip there from the night soon? Yes. Heal up. Guess who has a chance

of coming back? Oh, old mate. Oh, good old mate. Fucking good. Loveal up. Who has a chance of coming back? Oh, old mate. Oh, good old mate. Fucking good. Love that guy. Who? What? Old mate.

The ghost. Spooky, spook. Why are you calling him old mate? Spooky Dan. Spooky Dan old mate. I hate you guys. Spooky Dan old mate. You know what?

Fuck you. You get gangrenous the next morning. Not spite gangrene. I had it listed here. Yeah, but the next morning. Not spite gangrene. I had it listed here. Yeah, but the next morning you wake up. I assume every morning you maybe check your legs. Yeah, just give it a little check. Yeah, there's black there again. This could be your end.

This straight up could just kill you. I don't tell him. I don't want him to worry. Alright. If you do literally nothing about it it's definitely going to kill you if someone cuts off your legs from the waist maybe you have a chance of survival

I've already been through so much oh you guys heal a little bit is it even worth it take your legs I'm going to say you make heal checks on each other you do it before I even said anything I'd wake up and I'd be like guys

and you'd be like yeah I was just gonna say I'm thirsty now I'm a stump you recover 10 hit points each overnight alright

do you want me to alright I'll I'll shift him awake the arl the arl it's back the uh gangren yes you're gonna have to take it off just about under the Alright, I'll shift him awake. The Arl. The Arl, it's back. The Gengar. Yes, you're going to have to take it off just about under the hip.

Let me hold my dick up. So you don't accidentally chop that off. No, I wouldn't. I'd do it carefully. As carefully as I can. Would Battleaxe be good? Battleaxe would be better. Or the sword. Silver sword. I'll bite down on would be better. Or the sword. Silver sword.

I'll bite down on my wand. Probably the silver sword. All right. Oh, no. Actually, the battle... Silver contains... What do you call it? Something properties.

Oh, yeah. It does have antibacterial... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Silver sword. Although, like, bacteria. It's a medieval society. Yeah, I know.

All right. Silver sword I bite down on my wand of healing Real careful like With not as much you know Anger and venom as Chrysa had Enthusiasm

That's what I had But like you know You still gotta give it some force. I get it. I understand. Precision. Precision. I mean, I'm not happy about it, but I understand.

You take five points of damage. Oh, that's not too bad. What does it look like? You close up the wound. Adam. Sorry? What does it look like? Is it just skin?

And then skin? And a dick? Do I have no legs? Do I even need to wear pants? You have no legs. Just to cover your dick. I'm just going to, like, get, like, skin, and a dick. You have no legs. Do I even need to wear pants? You have no legs. Just to cover your dick. I'm just going to get a torch and just... Okay.

Take another point of damage. No, it's fine. Just to cauterize them. How's the lows? Lows? Oh, no. No. It's my poor body. Oh no No My poor body

Oh Adam Oh no No Not my good friend Chet We're going to spend the afterlife together I think so Chet, we're going to spend the afterlife together This will be great

Sorry What? No the afterlife together. I think so. Chet, we're going to spend the afterlife together. This will be great. Sorry. What? None. No. I want to look something up. You guys do what you're going to do. Alright, here's the plan. If I'm fucked, if they're like put him out to pasture, he's done. You just

put lots of silver under my clothes. And we let the wolf Eat me And then he's eaten a lot of silver And he just dies Alright Okay I can do that You know fuck it I don't want to live like this

It's gross Like who's gonna ever want to love a man Who is a nugget I know. It is not pretty sight. Like maybe we find a nice young lady. It's not even. Just don't worry about it.

All right. Never mind. But like half a million gold will buy, you know, maybe new legs. Yes, but what if the gangrene is spread? Can't buy me a new everything. Then I'm just a robot. Well, I mean, look, how about this? If the gangrene take you, I'll put you in a barrel. All right.

I'll seal you up real good. Roll the barrel out. When I go down to Koltros, maybe I'll try and say, hey, is there a cleric? and I go down to Kultros. Maybe I try and say, hey, is there a cleric? And once we get the million-dollar reward for old mate, maybe we bring you back to life. Oh, you're going to reincarnate him?

Yes. Oh, I see. I don't know what that sound could possibly be. How great is it to imagine you're like, I'll bring you back. You put me in a barrel. It's like the moment you get the million dollars you just kick me into the sea Million for me Rich boy You know what's better than half a million dollars?

A million dollars Enjoy the sea, dickhead Fuck, if I die in a barrel again Alright Oh golly Fuck, if I die in a barrel again. Alright. Oh, golly. Okay, what happens, Adam? So, you spend the night at the trapper's cabin.

The next morning, you discover the gangrene. You make another cut. You head out again. Yes. Alright. Yes, we do, Aiden. And back to the town. As you're on your way back Another blizzard starts kicking up

Oh shit I want to say we at least got the heavy coat from What's her face? Trish is dead So I can put the puppies in them Yeah, yeah, sure The puppies will be fine Just left my body behind

Yes Yeah, well You know what? Try to kill me Unnecessary sass, first of all. There's no way you can prove that. You've got a recording. But, no.

Anyway, fuck you guys. I'm not needed. I'm going to leave. Go find myself some better friends that wouldn't leave me in the snow to rot, to wolves, and steal my fucking coat. Done. Goodbye, guys. In the other fence, you probably won't rot. It's too cold.

Yeah, you're gonna freeze instead. That doesn't make it better! Ali Kathleen actually left. Genuinely has gone. Actually, no longer in this room. Rest in peace, Ali Kathleen.

Rest in peace, Alec Rest in peace So, do you want to do anything before you leave? How healed up are we? Are we like Full health, tickety-boo, great? Because I just had my bits Chet, you're on 10 hit points And Arul, you're on 38 Stab us with the wand a bunch

So before we move, we drink up How many wands Do we have still? Fucking like 40 No 39 Ah fucking stab us good Yeah fucking stab us Till we

Fucking It bruises That's the plan So uh 11 uses And you guys are both At 4 hit points Ah perfect

Look at us Champions Whoop whoop Am I better To the battle axe, by the way? Is it two-handed or one-handed? The battle axe is one-handed. Okay, damn.

Could I have grabbed... You can use a two-handed. Okay, cool. You can use any one-handed weapon with two hands. Oh, cool. I'll do that. If it was one-handed, I would have grabbed a tower shield. But if it's two-handed, it's fucking...

Yeah, yeah. I'll use two-handed. As you begin to set off... So this is probably an eight-hour trek. It's going to be an eight-hour trek for you guys. Which is probably shorter than the way here because you're not weighed down by having to wait for someone who moves five feet around. Yeah, exactly. Can't think of a nicer way out.

I'll say it. I'm not even afraid to. You're kind of making good time. But after the first couple hours, snow starts kicking up around you and you can tell another storm is rolling. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. That's how I lost my legs in the first place. I don't know if I can survive another one.

Wrap you up a little nice. It'll be fine. Put me in a poos with the puppies. All right. That'll keep me warm. It'll be nice. I don't know if I can stand it. You've got this.

You've got this, Chit. I'm going to be red red He'll be piss yellow Thank you I went that on piss I know Cause I know you chit And the lady will have a piss yellow Huh?

And the lady will have a piss yellow Fuck That's good That got me good I didn't get to read out The rest of the names you had For the drool we killed Mr. Pop and stuff?

That was my favorite. Sorry, Adam, kicked your foot? Yeah. No, you kicked my foot. And then I was like, ooh, and I backed up. I backed up and kicked the chair. So kind of half my fault, half yours. Both of you are staring out ahead of you.

When out of, from your left-hand side, you see slight movement. And you're like, what is that? And then it's on you. When, out of, from your left hand side, you see slight movement and you're like, what is that? And then it's on you. Bullshit. Bullshit. That kind of looks like, ah!

What is this bullshit? Well, I'll be damned if that's not a, ah! Silent and ghostly, this odd creature has a flat body with blunt wings.

What? Not unlike that of a manta ray. What? It has two eel-like heads studded with small silver eyes. What? A long, lashing, whip-like tail. And a long, lashing, whip-like tail. The creature is pale white in color, blending in with its snowy surroundings.

Let's have a fucking gander. What? What the fuck? That's fucked. All right, so imagine you've got a pancake. And grab both ends and pull them up. Okay? Both ends of the pancake.

Two socks. Yeah? Vagina. pull them up. Okay. Both ends of the pancake. Two socks. Actually, yeah. Vagina. Yeah, you get like the top of a vagina and move the flaps up. Oh yeah, vagina. Golly, that's what a vagina looks like. And then give like the clitoral hood two snapping mouths. Oh yeah.

And it's kind of like the butthole has become detached. Yeah. But it's attached to the vagina by a tube. Yeah. I can see the butthole has become detached Yeah But is attached to the vagina by a tube Yeah I can see the butthole I mean I can see the vagina there Xamon I'm not gonna lie For those of you who don't want to google vagina

And try to imagine Just google snow cloak Yeah But it looks Yeah like a vagina with a dual angry clitoris And a separated whip-like butthole I mean, that's pretty much spot on.

Yes. Alright, fuck. I don't know how to fight a vagina. Ain't no one taught me that. I don't know how to fight a vagina. Alright, let's go. Fuck it, let's go. Oh, golly, it gets a lot of attacks. Oh, damn.

How will our heroes fare against the flying vagina? Find out next time on Northern Bounty, a D&D is for Nerds side quest adventure. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account? Follow the links on our website, sanspantsradio.com. the symbol, not the word, where you can listen to select campaigns that were once only available to Sants Pants Plus members, the further adventures of the Greyhill Free Company if you want shorter campaigns with beautiful guests,

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