D&D is For Nerds - Northern Bounty #2 Oasis in the Snow

Episode Date: February 4, 2017

In which our heroes meet and kill some Frost Folk. Chet is forced out of invisibility, Trissa dings back into existence and D’aryl is of course using Vicious Blow.Want to help support the show?Patreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: redbubble.com/people/sanspantsradio or teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter: twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadAdam: twitter.com/RetroArchetypeZammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio, can you hear the children sing? Welcome to Chapter 2 of Northern Bounty, a D&D's for Nerds side quest adventure. Previously... All three of you are bounty hunters chasing a rather lucrative bounty. My name is, uh, the Errol. I am a half-elf barbarian. I cannot read or write. My name is Chad Faker. Like the musician?

Like the singer-songwriter, Chad Faker. He looks me right in the eyes, Justin Jackson. I live to say, yes, Adam, fuck you. I will be playing the character of Trissa Brino, a little gnome fighter. I'm a solid three foot,

which is not that much shorter than Ali's actual height. Build a box, put him in a box. Then kick it in the river. And take him home. No, no. Additionally, two other tall humanoid figures, and they're armed to the teeth. They look ready for a fight.

The wolf stalks around. Trissa, to your side. What does it mean? fight. The wolf stalks around Trissa to your side, opens its mouth, and then a burst of cold air buffets you. Then you take some points of fire damage, presumably as Iqvar leaps to his feet. At the very least, now you'll be warm. Trissa, your bounty Iqvar hurls a magical ball of fire at you.

It soars straight past you. Iqvar, his hands shaking so much from how cold he is, is unable to aim a proper blow. Gotcha good, Ishka. Okay, I'd like to maybe defend myself because the shield's doing shit now. Can I attack the wolf? The wolf?

Not that it has a sword to catch. Give it a red heart check. You're Gnomish sword catcher. Yes. You shift a little to your right so you can actually swing and hit the wolf. Then you swing your sword catcher. Is it a swinging motion or is it more of a stabby motion? Stabbing and swinging.

You can do either. All right. Good. Try to. Well, because that's how I picture it in my head. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't like that face. Do I only have one?

Yeah, but it's big. The middle bit is like a sword. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't like that face. Do I only have one? Yeah, but it's big. The middle bit is like a sword. Yeah, I know. But you know how like the Ninja Turtle and Electro Knight got two? Because you've got like the shield in one hand and this in the other. That's a bad look. You slash. But as you're slashing, you're like, ooh, maybe I should stab.

And that moment of indecision exposes your wrist. Uh-oh. The winter wolf snaps at you. But you're able to snatch your arm back at the last second. And instead of turning your attack against you, the Winter Wolf just keeps bearing down on you. Then it is Daryl's turn. The Arrol.

The Arrol. What if? The Arrol is going to get in a rage, get his hell bread, and stab at that fucking wolf cunt. I can't wait by the end of this adventure to pronounce it properly. Because first I heard hell bird. Hell bread.

And then hell bread. He's going to expose himself to the world and be like, look how beautiful I am. And then stab that wolf and strike pose. Like this one. Muscles showing. That's a good pose. I'm sorry, listeners, you can't hear. What it is, he's standing.

No, go back. He's sort of sitting on the side. He's got one fist up, and then he's forearm. Think of holding the spear like this. Oh, holding the spear. Yeah, yeah. Think of like holding a spear in such a way that it somehow shows off both your biceps. Both my biceps.

But they're kind of like a little bit flabby because you're a. No, no, no, no. Upper body real strong. Just belly big and overhanging. What about your legs? You got swimmer's legs? I think they've got to be strong as well. Yeah.

I just want like just like basically like- Muscly with a paunch. Yeah, muscly with a paunch. Muscly with a paunch. He's got that, you know, paunch body going on. Yeah. That's good. That's powerful.

That's what everyone wants. Rippling like, you know, just rippling muscles like hair coming, poking out of that chainmail singlet. The chainmail singlet. The chainmail singlet. Looking good. Looking good. What was my hair like? Mullet.

You said black. Fucking Jesus. Oh, no, you had black hair. You had messy black hair. You got white. I'm a white orc. You also look like a white orc. I look like that orc from The Hobbit 2.

You look... Yeah. But with one hand, not no hands. Yeah, black hair. Black hair? Yeah. Black hair mullet. Rocking a mullet.

I feel like it's going to be really wiry and out there, kind of like Beetlejuice. Yes. That's what you look like. In many ways, I'm like Beetlejuice. That's good. But I want to say that I'm rocking that mullet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, it looks good.

I don't like... Adam's making some real frightening faces. No, I just... So, originally, my plan was for the Frostfolk to have the Winterwolf as their pet, but I'm looking at the stats of a Winterwolf, and frankly, they should be its pet. Also, I wanted to use the...

I should have said Vicious Attack. So, Rage and V and vicious attack the 2d6 1d6 thing like really like this is my opening move you're gonna make it count gonna make it worth it i hope that's like your battle cry no you fucked cunt you're fucked cunt so oh gee you stab forwards as brutally as and as powerfully as you can with the halberd All right, then. Quick. Sorry. Oh, gee. Too willigous. You stab forwards as brutally and as powerfully as you can with the halberd. The invisibility pops off you like a... Ding!

Back into existence. Yeah, like the top of a can or something like that. Taking off the one ring. Yeah, exactly. But you stab deep and you stab hard. The winter wolf yips in pain. Yep. and you stab hard, the winter wolf yips in pain, and you feel the biting hand of your halberd take the blood out of you to add to its energy.

You take five points of damage. I like this. But you deal a very vicious blow to the winter wolf. Thank God. Then it is Chet's turn. I would like to... So Tasha's hideous laughter, a spell I have that makes a character laugh for five rounds.

That's amazing. Does that work on dogs? It would, yeah. Wolf cackle. I'll cast Tasha's Hideous Laughter on the wolf. I like that you guys are focusing fire on him. First off, Tasha's Hideous Laughter, just letting you know, would be a good spell to incapacitate Ixvar so that you can capture him. Oh, yeah, fair enough.

I've got the wolf. Yeah, I'll do that. I'll do that. I'll go around the back and get him good. Do I need to touch him? No, you don't. Whatever. No, you can capture him. Oh, yeah, fair enough. They've got the wolf. Yeah, I'll do that. I'll do that. I'll go around the back and get him good. Do I need to touch him? No, you don't. Whatever. No, you can do it at range.

Actually, you don't become invisible. Good ask. Oh, nice. You cast the spell, but because it's not an offensive spell, you're fine. You get him good. Got him good.

That's what that means. Unfortunately. Hit an 80-20. Bullshit. You cast the spell. There we go. And Iqbal,var like giggles a little bit and then looks to where you like you're invisible crap it didn't work yeah you would have had to

maybe move around a little bit so do you want to go into the cave near where he is or stay sort of out of the cave i'll go near him that's fine okay cool yeah so you dodge in through the combat. Then it is their turn again. The Frost Folk continue to batter at Triss's shield. Ineffectively. Wait. Oh, no, you can see. No, ineffectively. Yes. Nice.

You can see everyone but me. Am I really dodgy? Yeah. Dodgy ass. I did it moving my head. Not like seedy. I mean like agile. You can be both

It's fine Seedy, agile The winter wolf turns around Da-arrel And snaps at you Its bite Sinks Its teeth

Sink deep into your arm And not only do you feel the pain of the bite But you also feel a deathly cold Radiating from where the bite is. Piece of shit dog. Fuck you. Calling it a dog is funny for some reason. Bad dog.

Get off me. Down, boy. Down. Dion. Respect the arrow. Respect the arrow. Eight points of damage from the bite and two points of damage from the cold,

so a total of ten. I like the idea of you standing there and just being like, sit, sit, sit. But it's one of those dogs that's just standing, wagging its tail, like looking deep into your eyes and being like, you're asking me to do something. I'm not doing it. I'm just going to stare at him.

Ickbar turns around roughly to where you... Yeah, where Chat Faker is invisible and he casts a spell over that area. Get out of there. With the sound of a pop, your invisibility ends. Fuck you. You find yourself very close to Frostfolk. I didn't. Ah. That's why. Ah.

Trissa, it's your turn. Bullshit. Yes. So who's attacking me? Everyone? The Winter Wolf has turned to engage D'Arrel But the two Frost Folk are engaging you Can I attack one of them, please? On the side of your shield

Yeah, that's when I'm like Stab at their Shins and car It's gonna be hard to do a marathon now, isn't it? Wouldn't it be fun to have like a tower shield that you could just set on fire and just walk through? That'd be good. Adam, is that a possibility? A big pun?

Setting a shield on fire and then just walking. Like a magical fire shield. Oh, like depends how you're setting it on fire, I guess. Not just coating it in gasoline. That'll end poorly for us. Like with a spell. Yeah, there are spells Not just coating it in gasoline. That'll end poorly for us. Like, with a spell. Yeah, there are spells that can do stuff like that. That's cool.

You shift your tower shield just a fraction of a hair, thin enough that you can get your sword in. You stab once quickly. Yes. You hear one of the Frost Folk clutch at his side. Oh, not here. Sorry. You see one of the Frost Folk clutch at his side. Oh, not here. Sorry. C. One of the Frost Folk Frost Folk Frost Folk

clutch at his side in pain. You dealt a pretty rough blow to him. Yes. Good-ass. Then it is the Arrol's turn.

Then I'm going to get the train the dog and be like this is a bad dog. Hit him again but like power attack. Do you want to use as much power attack as you can?

How many can I use? You can use up to five points. Three. Three points? Okay. And vicious attack. And vicious attack? Cool.

Lowly. Lowly, lowly. Bad dogly Bad dog Bad dog got him good None of this shit None of this shit Did not bite at the arrow It's about prospect

It is about Look at it in the eye And never back down Don't blink Because if you blink He will think you are the baiter And One thing that the arrow is not

The arrow is not the god damn baiter You skewer The winter wolf Stab it completely through one of its sides as it tries to turn around to get a new angle at you. The winter wolf starts spasming a little bit on your halberd. It's not dead, but it's very critically wounded. Oh, sick. You don't think it would take a lot to finish it off now.

Because cleave is just. A strong breeze could kill it. So cleave is like you hit something and I can kill it? If you follow through, isn't it? You get to keep going. And then I follow through. Awesome. Get that wind off next.

It's going to be good. It's going to be fun to just go into like a field of sheep. Just cleave until you can't cleave no more. And then they regenerate and you do it again. That would be a really good way to be a butcher. You know what I mean? There are other feats. You can only cleave once in a round.

But with great cleave, you can cleave as many times as you physically can. Then there's another feat that lets you take a five-foot step every time you cleave. So people are like, hey, if you had an army of level one fighters, just infinite movement. That's the best. It's dumb. I need to get from there to there. All right, we need to recruit so many weak pieces of shit exactly

or just walk there no no no no no no this will be quicker no we just want the blood will accelerate me Chet it's your turn alright I'd like to

cast hold person on Ikva Ichiram stand still wait stop stop moving oh jeez Chris Hold person on Ikvar. Itchy Ram. Stand still. Oi, stop. Stop moving. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Mid-casting another spell, Ikvar is held in place. You can see his eyes darting around in terror at what has happened to him. Got him good. And then I'd like to take as much movement as I can over to him. Yeah, you can step over to him. You could probably even start tying him up this round. I will. All right.

Enough of this. You could probably even start tying him up this round. I will. All right. That's enough of this. You begin binding Iqbal. Trissa? Holy shit. Hold on. Get his fingers. That's what the manacles do. Good.

They're for the fingers. So I guess I probably... Oh, who's left? Am I still killing? The two frost folk and the winter wolf. I guess I'll just keep attacking the frost folk. Damn right you will. Because they keep attacking me.

Why don't you just push your tower shield onto me? Disarm them, mate. I don't think I'm strong enough. I'm not worth 30 pounds. You can disarm them. That? Can I do that? When you say disarm, you mean cut off their hands?

No. Because he... So you've got the sword catcher, yeah? Of course! You're selected as the Lord Queen of the Doofuses What's it like to reign Supreme In Doofus

Explain what this sword catcher does And you're like cool cool cool We'll have to explain it twice And you're like he's like you're going to be the best at disarming And I'm like just disarm Oh yeah And then we said disarm You're like cut off their hands No no no and I'm like, just disarm. Oh, yeah! And then when you... And then we said disarm, you didn't even...

You're like, cut off your hands. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't even... It's like if Adam was like, oh, I use a spell now. And I'm like, what would I spell, Adam? Dog? Like... Ellie.

Kathleen. Being queen of the doofuses does have its... Like a queen of doofuses Is still a queen May your reign be long Long live the queen of doofuses Adam Maybe could I

Just for shits and gives Try and disarm one of the guys Just in case you're wondering Not by cutting off the hands Because that's a stupid idea Foolish Yeah sure you can Thank you one of the guys. Just in case you're wondering, not by cutting off their hands, because that's a stupid idea. Foolish. Yeah, sure, you can.

Thank you. What idiot would think to cut off their hands? They've got no clue. Ooh, ooh, red, please. It goes faster. Orange it is. Adam Ghanimala, you sneaky dog. Yeah, didn't matter in the end. Oh, by the way, we're at level five, if anyone was wondering. Oh, yeah.

No, don't pull back the curtain. Could be any level. What's ECO? Extra Cool Legs. All right. I got five of those. Oh, Adam. You got any pan at all yeah okay so where the fuck were we well that's right

effective character level thank you you wait for the moment when one of the frost folk swings down with his battle axe and at that exact moment you completely disregard your defense go completely offensive uh stab upwards with your gnomish sword catcher. You catch the battle axe, twist, and then pull it away from his grasp. All right. That's good as. You can add battle axe to your inventory if you want. I fucking will, mate.

Instantly. Mine. Nick and Matt. I like the idea of when you put the sword up You have that little moment You're like, is it going to wiggle? Wiggle three times, right? Star! It's got a battle axe

The Frostfolk looks somewhat surprised At his sudden change of fortune Ali, can you make a character choice Just to actually be that way Trying to collect enemy swords and weapons I had already made that decision as soon as i was like imagine that backpack battle axe will it evolve

to a bottomless what are they called uh what's the backpack called when they get bigger or better like a bag of holding there you go you're a bag of holding. You done? Yes. You're fucking done? Will we ever be? No. Daryl, it's your turn. Okay, then. Right.

I'd like to then get my hellbered and then slash at that wolf, again using some power attack and the vicious bite, and then try and get him and then get a frost folk as well. Oh, I forgot. Last turn for the vicious attack, you took two points of damage. That all right not even a stress nothing man feel good it's not even a friend not even it's barely i think i think they cut a little bit of your mullet off that's how small no i need it i am like simpson it takes me my strength you take six points of damage when your vicious halberd strikes the winter wall oh i crit myself

damage when your vicious hellbird strikes the winter wolf. I critted myself. Fuck, imagine. But you kill the winter wolf. You cut its head off and the arc of your hellbird keeps going to the frost folk who still does have his

battle axe and you hit him. Or do you? You try. How many points did you do for power attack again? Three He shifts his shield around And your halberd strikes his shield instead You good

You good mate He says something in a language you don't understand But roughly translated You imagine it to mean fuck you. Sorry, I don't speak Frosties. Really? What do they speak? Frosties. Frosties.

The breakfast cereal, cornflakes with sugar. They're great. Oh, no, common. So you understand what they say. He speaks fuck you in common. Literally the only word you've heard them speak. Then it is Chet's turn. You continue binding Iqbal.

It's their turn. Winterwolf's dead. One of them is disarmed. One of them has the battle axe. The one with the battle axe chooses to instead attack Da'arrel. He hits Da'arrel. It keeps making me think he's saying the arrow. I know.

You take 10 points of damage. Oh, you. He's going to get it. All points in parotid. Cleave him in, Brian. The other Frostfolk tries to make a run for it, and

everyone whose name is not Chet gets a free attack. Hey! Fair. Let's try and trip him up. Yeah, good. Between the two of you, you bring him down. Good.

Both of you hit him roughly at the same time. You spill his guts, and he trails them for a couple steps, but then stops, falls to his knees, and falls forward. I like to take his axe, Adam. That's the disarmed one. Oh, my God. You already have his axe. Then, Tristan, it's your turn. You can disarm the other one if you want. Yes, I intend to.

Good. Skin that winter wolf. Oh, I will. Yeah, good. It's gonna look good on you. Thank you, dude. That's alright, man. So, the Frostfolk attempts to make sort of a jutting forward attack not using the battle axe's proper blade but like the blunt head of it to slam into daryl's chest to try and wind him for an extra blow as he does that he overextends his battle axe you come in from the side catch catch his battleaxe, twist, turn, and with the same practice motion,

you just, like, flip it onto your backpack, add another battleaxe to your inventory. What I really like about that is that you're low enough that you can get under there and just be like, whoop! I didn't even expect it to happen. The other Frostfolk looks down at his

empty hand comedically. Then it is D'Arrel's turn. See, mate? You're fucked. And then, yeah, hell-buried everything. Five points into a pair of tick. Get him good. Get him real good.

Golly. Gee willikers. Gee willikers. Are you using vicious as well? Oh, of course I am. I like that vicious could just kill you. Like hot tip, haven't really been paying attention to my health. I'll let you know when you get low.

You can skin the winter wolf. I'll skin one of the frost folk. I don't even have a knife. You cut the extended frost folk's arm. You cut his arm off and then you stab into his head with the remaining energy in your blow. Nice. So, Frostfolk

dead, Winterwolf dead, Ikvar is being bound as we speak. Bloody mission accomplished, gentlemen. He's king of the world. Your rage probably ends at some point. Are these people, Ikvar, were they getting you? Were they getting you? we're getting you?

Are you in trouble? Did we save you to then get you? Ikvar doesn't say anything. Ikvar, come on. He looks kind of grumpy. He's mad. Of course you're mad, Ikvar. You're chained up.

You're tied up. What did you think? Don't be a little bitch. Tell him answer. Come on. Ickfar, just come on. I want to search while he's having that argument with Ickfar. I'll just search the surrounds, see if he's got anything on him.

I like that it's an argument even though I'm the only one talking. You get the basic equipment that the Frost Folk had. They have... What do they have? Well, the battle axes have been taken. Composite longbows. But you Oh, actually as a barbarian You might want to grab that composite longbow

Sick, composite longbow It's good for me Did anybody bring a box to put them in? I've just got minicles Masterwork minicles here What have I got? I got masterwork minicles Everybody put your manacles on.

The frostbolt also had fur armor but the fur armor is not, it's inferior well, everyone here has the best armor that is available to them. You don't want their fur armor. Might as well I chuck it on for the warmth. No, you're pretty warm. Yeah, you're doing fine already. It's

cold but the fur armor is probably going to hamper you more than anything else. Yeah, okay. So I'll take the longbow, the composite one. The composite longbow, yeah. So you get a little bit of... Not a lot. It's like a tiny little stat boost here.

Excellent. But, hey, it's a stat boost, so why not? I'll break my longbow and throw it in the fire. I will pilfer from the dead. I think I said as well there is no fire. There was an attempt at a fire, but it was pitiful. I will throw it in the fire. I will pilfer from the dead. I think I said as well, there is no fire. There was an attempt at a fire, but it was pitiful. I will throw it in the attempt of fire and look around the room.

Is anything else going on? Iqbal looked like he was at his wits end, maybe for supplies. You see a lot of empty packaging from where supplies were held, but you don't see any, you know, supplies. If everyone else uses their manacles as well, does that make it better or worse? Sorry, what's this? If everybody else uses their manacles as well, does that make it better or worse? Sorry, what's this?

If everybody else uses their manacles... Oh, you just want to, like, super manacle? Just manacle him up. Well, he needs to be able to physically walk unless you want to carry him. I'll carry him. I'm big. Actually, the barbarian could probably carry him.

You chuck him under my arm. All right. So... Wait, I'd also like to wrap him in my net. Do I have a net? I don't have a net. Do I have an ikvah to my inventory? No

Wrap him in a blanket too You cannot add another person to your inventory Basically, here's what we're doing We manacle up his hands Then we get a blanket, wrap it around him Get our rope, silk, tie up the blanket around him like a sausage roll Then another manacle, tie up his feet Yep

And then another manacle on his fingers, I guess Perfect I was going to catch you on his fingers, I guess. Perfect. I was going to catch you on the fingers. No, you had finger manacles. They're special ones. We got him good. Over your shoulder. Also, skin that winter wolf.

Do you want to be here for an hour? We've got nowhere to go. We got him. Yeah. Skin away. Why not? We got a time letter? No. You have the skin of a winter wolf.

Yes. Nice. A skin of frost folk. It's going to be kind of disgusting to keep in your backpack. We can tan those. Yeah, you can't tan it right now. There's a lot of blood. That's all right.

I'll put it there. You tie it in. Do you have Iqbal's mouth bound? How? I could shove something in there. You've got plenty of cloth and stuff. Just tear some shit out of the frost folks. Yeah, chuck it in his mouth.

He expresses displeasure at being so close to the first. Or has a like, what was this? I was going to ask you what he did.

Yes, it does. I put it back in his mouth. Off we walk. What did he do? Do we know? What did he do? What's the bounty? Wow.

The bounty notice specifically states 26 counts of murder. I don't know if you want to write this down. I do. I do. 26 counts of murder. Murder don't know if you want to write this down. I do. I do.

26 counts of murder. Murder. Yeah. 16 counts of theft high. Theft high means over a certain amount of gold. A hundred counts of theft low. And one count of assassination. Whoa.

You're a bad man. And this is why you have to be the first What did you do What happened What did you do Are you unbinding him No just his mouth Oh yeah

That is what I meant Yeah Um You un-gag him Any kind of spell If he starts Make an attempt at a spell Smack him in the mouth

Yeah you fucked it up anyway Smack him in the mouth Take it back in We don't need to talk to him Just put it back in his mouth Smack him in the mouth. Take it back in. We don't need to talk to him. Just put it back in his mouth. Smack him in the mouth. You've lost your talking privilege.

We are going to at least let you chat, but now none of this. It's over. Every now and then on your walk back, you hear him muffled, trying to make an attempt at a spell, but nothing comes of it. And Chet, you are very aware that in his current state, the likelihood of him getting a spell, like, just let him try. The likelihood of him getting a spell off is so minuscule and minute that you might as well pray for one of the gods on high to come down and save him in person.

We'll take him out of the cave and head back to the nearest town, I guess. So that's, like I said, about a day's travel from here. That's okay. Wait, do we have rations? Yeah, we've got rations for days. Not a problem. For six days, I think. I've got them for ten, so I guess these guys are going to die in six days.

I think I gave you all the same amount. You're going to live an extra four. On the way back, oh, not even on the way back, actually, because you stopped to skin the way back, oh, not even on the way back, actually, because you stopped to skin the winter wolf, by the time you get started again, the snow has started to come down a bit heavier. You feel the chill a little bit harder now. It's not, you know, unbearable or anything like that,

but you do notice it a lot more, even through your heavy furs. Rug up. Get nice and warm. Huddle in, everyone. You can mark off a day's rations or something. And then after you do that, by the beginning of the next day, you arrive at town.

Towns get like 50 people in it. It's quite a little town. Oh, and by the time you arrive at town as well, the snow is very heavy. You can only see maybe, I'd say like roughly 50 feet in front of you. Can we find a tavern? How much health did I heal? There's definitely a tavern here.

Did we heal up? Yeah. Sorry? Oh yes, you all would have healed. I mean, I didn't take damage. I did. It took lots. I was invisible for the most part. Do you have any cure spells? Yeah, you got the magic stick. No, no, no, not the magic stick, like a spell. I've got cure light wounds and cure moderate wounds. Do you have any cure spells? Yeah, you got the magic stick. No, no, no, not the magic stick. It's a spell.

Cure light wounds and cure moderate wounds. Do you want to like... Because, again, you cure them before the day's end. Okay, I'll cure them up. Before the day's end. Come here. I'll call it even hit points. So you're both at full hit points.

Good. Don't worry too much about that. All right, we're going to take him where? Oh, it's a car, sorry. Okay, so... Literally the other side of the world. I'm so far away. All right, so you're going to go to a tavern? You might want to get into the tavern. It's daytime, but it's a car, sorry. Literally the other side of the world. It's so far away. All right, so you're going to go to a tavern?

You might want to get into the tavern. It's daytime, but it's so cold. It's actually starting to be painful. Okay, I'm going to try and go to a tavern. We need to ask somebody, like, if we need a cage or something, we can put him in, like a prison or some shit. There's a map of the town for those who are interested. Shut up.

Sorry, I was handing it to him as you said, Shia. Yeah. Also just straight up not sorry. Hashtag sorry, not sorry. Here's a thing that I've noticed and maybe listeners have noticed too, but whenever Adam is like, here is a thing, Ali is always the first one to be like, it's my

given here. That's not true. Yes, it is. It's not his line, give it now. I want to say ironic considering how much information she retains. That can't be good. So what are the buildings that are out there, if you want to read them out? Granary. Ali looks actually put out that Jackson did it for her a granary

where they hold grannies granary to keep the gruns happy I thought it was a great I think I might have misspelt it on them no no no it looks fine are you sure? yeah 96% sure 4% though is what fucks you

there is some buildings. There's a town hall, a blacksmith, general store, a tavern. That's where we are. And apparently there's some other arrows. Okay, so one of those arrows is not necessarily important right now, but will become important later. The one that points north. The one that says north. Yeah, the one that points

north. Don't read that out just yet, because that's going to relate to some stuff happening later. But the one south is feel free to read. Alright. So we've got Town Hill Tavern, a general store, Blacksmith, Granaries. Cool. So we're in

Valfhaven. Valfhaven. Valfhaven, there's an F Valf Alright, so let's go to the tavern, yeah? What's the name of the tavern? The Swinging Dog Tell me that the little tavern

you know, they got the hanging sign It's a pole that a dog is hanging from I was imagining a hung dog like it had done crime That's horrible. No, it's like the hang-in-there cat. It's not nearly that morbid. It's like the hang-in-there cat,

but it's a dog instead. In Velfhaven's history, what happened was someone's grain was not growing good and they saw a dog and they blamed the dog. A dog was accused of witchcraft. A dog accused of witchcraft.

They found it guilty and also with contempt of court. So they hung it till death. On the count of 16 counts of murder, how do you plead? I'm pretty sure that was a guilt by admission. Get him. Get him good. Anyway.

Okay, so it's just like the hang in there cat, not a dog. Yeah. Neat. All right, we'll have him. Be warm. Okay. So you are the only people in the tavern. Oh.

There's not even a bartender right now. Is there a fire going? There is a fire going. So as soon as you step inside- Huddle around that. There's just an instant, oh, thank God. Maybe the thought of going over to the bar and stealing some liquor crosses your mind, but you're like, no fire, please.

It's cold as sin outside grab each put in the fire as well pull out for someone as well hello is anyone there uh a tinkling sound comes from upstairs and then you hear foots uh feet on stairs and then a portly pleasant looking gentleman comes in he's very unassuming looking fuck you look pleasant he's not too tall he's not too short he's not too fat he's not too he's very average looking man just right the goldilocks bartender he's the baby bears porridge of human beings when he sees you guys in the tavern he cracks this beautiful smile and he says. My name is Hob Hamlin. I'm the curator or the proprietor

of this establishment. How you doing, Hob? Passing through, he says? Yes. We've got a bounty here. We need to get to the other side of the world. Where would I...

How would I make a box for this man? A box? To put him in. To keep him in. Can we put some wheels on the box? You might want to speak to a carpenter about that.

I should also say, you're used to dealing with the Nordic people of the North. This man does not look Nordic. He looks human, essentially. Yeah, like a Southerner. Yee-haw! You don't look like you're from around here.

Probably because I'm not, he says. Where are you from? I felt like I was in trouble for well i was born not too south of here but my family is from way down way way down north he says i came up here because i um down north south did i say north yeah north is down enough if you're going down enough. No, you go to another plane of existence, didn't you know? Oh, of course. I forgot my studies. Yes, I

appreciate the solitude. The south. Ah, the north. They're confusing. I got it. Quickly, north is very confusing. Maybe like a blacksmith or something like that? Maybe he's built like a... There is a blacksmith, yes. He might be able to help you,

but I wouldn't advise staying long. There's a storm brewing and you guys might want to get out of town before that happens. Fair enough. Where's the storm coming from?

North? Usually they come from the north. That's where... Other plane of existence. If you speak to the locals, that's where their god sends them from. No, fair enough.

God sends storm all the time. That's classic god. So down south, where's the next town that we need to stop over in? The nearest town you guys know is, well, the nearest major town, major settlement that you know of is Coldrose, which is two weeks south of here. You are definitely not going to make Coldrose before that storm hits. And it doesn't look like... You guys aren't meteorologists, but it does not look like a good storm.

You don't know if you want to be out and about when that storm hits. So is there any kind of pit stops between here and cold rose? None that you know of. Was there a time... I lost the people in my team. Was there a time limit on when we had to get him back by? Well, before he dies.

Old age. I don't think so. I mean, it's going to be... It's been such a long time. Let me just get you out of the bounty that I... Oh, give it to me. It says...

I'd like to take it. I'd like to take the bounty from him because to watch him struggle is painful. Learn to read. It's not hard. Children do it. Go to school. Like tracing A's with my finger

is a... I'll teach you to read. Thank you. Fuck. Stay in this tavern for a few weeks. You'll teach him how to read. I'll bond with the sorcerer. We'll chuff on back to carcerate. You'll bond with the murderer. Super good.

I don't know. Try and get some information. Is that his name? Hob? Hob Hamlin. Hob. The sorcerer will choo-fong back to Kastro. You'll bond with the murderer. Super good. I don't know. Try and get some information. Is that his name? Hob? Hob Hamlin. Hob. Hob.

Yeah? How long does a storm last? The storm probably won't last too long. I'm sure you can get out there. No, no, no. We can't. Like, hang on. Did you have, like, horses or something that we can maybe speed up our travel? Horses. No, I don't have any horses.

I don't think anyone in town has a horse. Oh, never mind then, that was my next question. Sorry. Look, he gestures to, you're the only one who took a bow, right? Yes. A compass and a longbow, yeah, he gestures to the bow you have slung over your shoulder. That's the bow of a Frostfolk, right? I can tell from the woodwork

You, I assume, didn't I assume the Frostfolk didn't give it over willingly You can kill a Frostfolk, you can weather the storm You'll be fine I'm not the series of this guy But like Storm is Like cold and shit Frost Giant, Frostfolk is a man

He's just a shithead Okay, okay, he't up his hands like i guess i can't storm i guess i can't persuade my potential customers too hard he says i'm sorry when i get an idea in my head i just don't like all of it i just like look like i'd like to leave because we've got this pretty dangerous uh criminal that we need to get out of here we gotta put him in a box um but you're going to speak to the black i'll'll do that. I'll do that. But when do you reckon the storm will hit? What do we got, like a day, a week? Well, the storm's hitting now.

Because, like, yeah, we need to ration. It's probably going to get worse. The locals refer to these as, what's the word? It's like a blind mist or something like that. It's going to get really bad. Because we need about a few hours just to kind of restock, get the rations. Oh, you want to go to the general store for that? Okay.

Get some rations, get stuff, because it's going to take a two-week travel, plus we still probably three-week, four-week maybe, and we've got an extra mouth to feed now. Yeah. It's going to take a little bit of planning. Tell you what, first off, sorry for pushing so hard, and second as like as you know just a getting a free little thing to get you hooked on the taste but I happen to have

a very unique beverage to this part of the world called honey mead I think you guys should try it yes let's try some of that first

just a quick disclaimer he says as he brings brings them up well these are these are free so you know take them

but there is no actual honey in them. They're just called honey meat. I was going to say, thank you so much for your offer, Hob, but look, we've got some stuff to do first. No, please, please, please. Like I said, when I get a thing in my head, come on. I'll drink it. Give me a yes, fine. We'll take that.

Good. Yes, Jackson and I have drank the honeymead. I will have nursed it. Good. That was great. Was it great? It was nice.

Yeah, it warms you actually. As you drink it, you feel the fire warms you from the outside, the honeymead warms you from the inside. I'm toasty. Look around. So do you have a couple of rooms available to stay perhaps for a couple of, until the storm passes? He looks a little hesitant at that statement.

He's like, you're a friend. He's not going to cause any trouble. Not if we put him in a box. I'm going to leave and go look for a box. Will Chet be able to find a suitable box to put Ikvar in? Find out next time on Northern Bounty, a D&D is for Nerds sidequest adventure. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account?

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