D&D is For Nerds - Northern Bounty #9 Offensive Diplomacy

Episode Date: February 28, 2017

In which our heroes deal with further complications on the complications that they’re already dealing with. Chet makes a polar bear laugh for five turns, Trissa won’t stop trying to kill the druid and D'aryl falls in love with Henry.Want to help support the show?Patreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: redbubble.com/people/sanspantsradio or teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter: twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadAdam: twitter.com/RetroArchetypeZammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sans Pants Radio. I can't think of anything funny to say. A while back, Zammet asked me if I'd like to do a Dungeons & Dragons game with my dad and my little brother, Ryder. I was like, yeah, so I suggested it to them. And dad was like, what? What are you talking about, Jack? And Ryder was like, I once played a game of D&D on a bus and it sucked and was for nerds. But, after much convincing, they agreed. And together we recorded one of the greatest adventures in D&D is for Nerds history ever, maybe. If you signed up to Patreon

before April 1st, you'll get exclusive access to what we are calling D&D is for Dad. Links are in the show notes below, so make your way to Patreon right now and help support the show and feast your ears on something very special. Welcome to Chapter 9 of Northern Bounty, a D&D is for nerd side quest adventure. Previously. All right, hot tip. If wolf comes down and barrels on door, don't wake the people who are sleeping. Let them sleep unless wolf goes into cabin. Then wake us up. Then we prepare. The fire goes out. No, Adam, I don't think it does. It does. I don't want that. You find those salves. So you find a couple creams and a couple dusts, but there's no obvious use for them.

No idea what these do. I'm going to lay the traps out around the whole perimeter. These traps are for rabbits and deer. Don't care. Chuck me on that, slut. And we will get you some damn new lizard legs. You spot what must be the druid's grotto. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Before we go ahead assuming that it's the wereid's grotto. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Before we go ahead assuming that it's, you know, the werewolf's back, what if he's the druid as a wolf? Alright, so we go to a town that is overrun with werewolves. Their mayor is called Fenris Fucking Wolf. They've got a sheriff who is basically dressed like a wolf.

He's draped in wolves, I know. Then they have a druid nearby who is also a fucking wolf. The cave isn't very deep. Immediately within, you see nine wolf cubs. Yipping babies. And I will kill to protect them. I feel like I gaslighted you guys. The polar bear rears back onto its back feet.

Puts its massive paws skyward. A storm appears above all of you. What? And a hail falls. Bullshit. Arrayed around the transfigured druid, your fight continues. It is now Triss's turn. How far away am I?

You're standing right next to him. I think I'd like to take a few steps back and then shoot him. Yeah, sure. The fucking small gnome in the battle armour and the giant shield steps away from the bear to shoot. So that the arrow takes good bare fist to his face

and ruins perfection simply so you can get his good shot in. Yep. The arrow happy. This team is falling apart. Do you want the good news or the bad news? No, this fucked me last time. Give me the good news first.

You hit him. The bad news. I figured this out. There are two arrows sticking out of the polar bear. Neither one of them have caused blood to fall. She can't attack with a sword catcher, yeah? Yeah, I would recommend that because she's got the highest AC. It still works with a sword.

So if you were at the front line, like, golly, your AC is so high, but you never stand next to the army. So, I mean, like. No, it's kind of good. Your character's kind of, like, sneaky. Looking out for me. Looking out for number one. It's in character.

But also, I'm going to die. So I think I know what I'm going to do next. I just keep thinking sword catcher is for catching swords. If the thing you're thinking of doing next is running away, just letting you know you aren't very fast. The polar bear would have time to heal itself of its blindness and then catch up to you. That's amazing.

My plan, if that happened, would be like, oh, left some stumpy here. Distraction method. Sorry, buddy. No, I'm not going to run away. Don't worry, guys. You can trust me. No, I'm not going to run away. Don't worry, guys. You can trust me. No, I know we can't.

But if I ever tell you, she'll just slit my throat. Would I do that? Chet, it's your turn. Tasha, serious laugh, though. Let's make a polar bear laugh and lose five turns. Oh, that's amazing.

Oh, yay! The polar bear collapses onto its side laughing. I got you good, dickhead. Now stab him a bunch for me. What does that leg do? Tasha City's laughter. It makes him lose five turns.

Jesus. That's amazing. They're laughing too hard. That's how funny I am. Next time you're like, oh, shit, your joke's fucking awful. Remember this moment. And then now you can use the next four turns to buff us. Yes, all right.

I suppose. I was going to go grab one of them wolf pups and be like, stop taking or kill puppy. That would have been clever. But look, it's incapacitated. Okay. Well, that's fine. I mean, he just found them.

I don't know how attached he is. He seems like he's nine of them. He could be attached to keep nine puppies. Yeah, but I mean, like, if he's I don't know how attached he is. He seems like he's nine of them. He could be attached to nine puppies. Yeah, but I mean, like, if he's got nine, he's got eight more. How much meat's on a puppy? Not that much. A little itty-bitty thing. If a creature with Tasha's hideous laughter,

if the creature that you're trying to affect is too different from you, they get a bonus to their save because the joke doesn't quotation marks, translate well. That's funny. But he's a man, so it's fine. He's got a human brain. Well, it's a bit squishy.

Alright, so, he's now incapacitated. We've not stopped the fight. He's still able to defend himself, he's just not able to attack or move, really. So, we can either just kill him or we can able to defend himself he's just not able to attack or move really so we can either just kill him or we can just wait this out

what do you want to do I know what my plan's for it's not going to last very long you're not going to escape in the time he's got you

no but I can like run maybe get puppy be like don't attack or I kill puppy or I can just I say you might as well get the puppy

kill and then get the silver and then bugger off I'm going to go and get a puppy alright you run in. You grab a puppy for that year's turn. Just fucking tease.

All right. Wait, I still do stuff. Yeah, you have your turn. You fight another arrow, remember? But I got another five turns. Why doesn't he do anything? It's the polar bear's turn. I'm not done doing things.

I'm fine. You eager beaver. I am an eager beaver. You are. You really are. An eager eagleaver. I am an eager beaver. You are. You really are. An eager eagle is another one you can say. Really? You can use that, listeners, if you want.

That's from Jackson to you directly. That's my point. I mean, it's dumb. No, I'm kidding. It's fine. It's great, actually. So, Trissa. Yes.

You take a... Bang! Bang! So, Tressa, you take a bang, bang. Something big and heavy slams into you twice from behind. You stagger around. You know what? You guys are quick to bloody judge. Standing taller than a hill giant, this hulking, white-furred, ape-like beast shambles along on two legs.

Its huge hands end in powerful claws, and its pale blue eyes are cold and hateful. Jackson? Show me your picture. Looks like an abominable snowman throwing rocks at us. Are we fighting a fucking yeti? Yeah. I don't want to fight a fucking yeti. With your bardic knowledge, Chet.

Chet, you know what a yeti is. It's a motherfucking yeti! God! Damn! Adam, how can I kill the thing I love? Just wait until I throw a Bigfoot at you. Fuck, a Bigfoot in D&D? Yeah. Can you throw a Bigfoot at you Fuck, a Bigfoot in D&D? Yeah

Can you be a Bigfoot? The dream, mate It truly is Yeah That's awesome Fuck this game Fucking Bigfoot in the big city That's the game I want

Anyway, you're about to take damage I am facing it No, no, no Oh, Trissa Trissa Oh, poop For the first time Anyway you take 13 points of damage Not brilliant

That's fine You can fight a yeti You got this Solo this yeti Solo the yeti And a polar bear While Stumpy McStump here Lies probably yelling jokes

And the other one runs off to get a puppy. Yeah. Great. I'm just going to make that one laugh as well. The polar bear is rolling on the ground laughing in mirth. Trissa? You're being sandwiched in between a yeti and a polar bear. What do you do?

What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? I feel like I want to get rid of the polar bear and then attack the yeti. But I... Polar bear's not attacking you, but then... Yeah, I know. But it will when it fucking stops laughing.

No, because I reckon I can placate polar bear. Attack the yeti, please. Okay. With your sword, Karcher? Yes. Please. Really, I don't have any other options. You slash the yeti across its chest.

It growls in anger at you. I think that means you killed it. Yeah, I think that's it. You hurt it, but you didn't even come close to killing it. It was nice knowing you. You've been good. You've been a good pal. Then it is...

Chet's turn. Your main man. Tasha's hideous laughter on the yeti. Everyone's having a good time. Fuck, it casts a new turn myself. What level spell is Tashihideous laughter? First. First?

Yep. The Yeti does not find your joke amusing. I suppose it's a Yeti. That's fair enough. Also, yeah, it just doesn't speak your language as well. It only speaks Yeti. Giant. All right.

That's cool. Giant. That's cool. All right. So's cool. Giant. That's cool. All right. So then it is the Aral's turn. You come back outside. Can I also maybe grab a couple of silver weapons? Well, that'll be your turn then.

Do you think we got it? I mean, we can go back. You can still hear the laughter. Oh, yeah. Grab a couple of weapons. Fuck it. What do you want? Something for me and something for...

What's her name? Trissa. Give yourself a short sword and a great sword. I think the great sword's for me. Yeah, the silvered weapons. Not gonna grab anything for me? Rude. Alright, three weapons then. A short sword, a long sword, a great sword. The three swords.

What are you gonna do, Stumpy? I've still got hands. I should pass you my longbow. Alright, you should. Yeah, I'll do that. I've got a heavy crossbow. Okay, that's your turn? Bloody pull that out, you bloody... Trissa. Yes? The yeti continues to pound away at you. Well, that's unfortunately... unfortunate.

I look forward to coming out and seeing a yeti. Yeah, that's going to be funny. I mean, scary. You lift up your giant shield to try and fend off its attacks wham the first attack crumples your shield a little bit and it's bending a little inside now the second one knocks it out of place completely and he uppercuts you that's so funny you take nine points of damage Yeti punch Yeti ow Yeti ow indeed I guess that's why they call them

The yowies Whoa The polar bear continues to giggle Yowies are our Bigfoot We got him chuckling, that's good Trissa I'd like to attack him with my sword catcher Stab that yeti

Stab that yeti in the stomach. You draw another cut across the yeti. I hope you wear the yeti pelt. Me too. Because it's an ape and it's funny to wear ape pelts. All right. It feels like sacrilege because they're so close to humanity. And I like that.

It cries out in pain again, but it otherwise makes no notice. Like killing a chimp. There's something fucked about that, and I love it. Then it is Chet's turn. Have I make the Yeti deaf? That's pretty funny. No, I'll hit it with the heavy crossbow. From my little perch of the, I nearly said yacht, sled.

Thump, thump, thump. Your attack hits the Yeti. Good. Nice. I feel like sometimes I'm the only one who makes sound effects in this game. Correct. I feel like that's you guys letting the team down a bit. All of my sound effects are words.

Pew, pew, pew, zip, zip, zip, that's it. You do like onomatopoeia, like comic book sound effects. It's good. The bolt strikes with a dull thunk, and the yeti growls again, but louder this time. Got him. And then it is D'Arrel's turn. All right, I'm going to leave the cave. You see the Yeti.

What the fuck is this? And that's your turn. That's good. Can I at least throw something? Yeah, you guys can get your weapons, I guess. They're thrown to your feet. Do Yetis die from silver? You are aware that Yetis do not take any special damage from silver.

What about druids? No, druids as well. What about polar bears? They're just more for werewolves. Okay, Trissa, do you want the good news or the bad news? Oh, for fuck's sake, the good news. The good news is its second attack misses.

Can you guess the bad news? What's the bad news, Adam? It's first attack crumples your head in. Chet and D'Arrel, you both see as the Yeti brings down a mighty fist onto Triss's head that her helmet comes in a little

bit and blood squirts out in all directions. Oh, boy. That is dead gnome. You're not dead. Don't get too excited. Instead, you just take seven points of damage. Enough to kill a regular man, but you're fine. What? You're a powerful little gnome.

Oh, my goodness. Gnome. They call them gnomes. Let's not do this again. Okay. Wow, are you okay, Jackson? Like, are you sick? Do I need help?

Golly It's the ice madness It proper got me Yeah, being reasonable Now you're seeing it Anyway, that was the Yeti's turn The polar bear continues to laugh uncontrollably Fucking got that polar bear

Trissa? It must have been a good joke It was I'd like to attack the Do I have my short sword now? You can use the short sword instead if you want, yeah. Adam, which one would be more... Which would I be better at?

They both do the same damage. Okay. Oh, actually, no. Yeah, actually they're both the same. The sword catcher has the advantage of being able to disarm but the yeti does not have the weapons to disarm its mouth. Exactly, so I'm going to use the short sword. Pretty plus. You want to use the short sword. It's on its mouth. Pretty plos. You want to use the short sword?

Yes. So with the new silvered short sword in hand, you strike. Oh, golly. Huh. Fucked him good. Hey. He's making some ape noises. Because of my ape attack.

Spun around. Normal damage and flat footed for a round. That's not a bad option. Yeah. Yeah, good job. Spun around. Normal damage and flat-footed for a round. That's not a bad option. Yeah. Yeah, good job. Tripped him. You bloody hamstrung him, mate. Yeah.

Got him in the hammy. Got him right in the hammies. And his Achilles. Yeah. Now he's fallen. Like a dickhead. I wanted to make an Olympus has fallen joke, which is obscure. You slash low at the Yeti and cut it on one of its legs.

It falls to its knees and you, with your mighty boot, bring it up and kick it in its side. The Yeti spins around and falls on all fours. That's what you get for squishing my head. Right now for someone to make a killing blow. It looks very weakened. And that puts it at the Aral's turn. Then I'm going to go over to the Yeti with my halberd and be like this fucking day. Headed up to here with this bullshit.

Holding a puppy under my arm. That's good. One-handed with the halberd. Vicious attack. Yes. I don't like that Adam face. What's wrong with killing a fucking yeti? We're gonna get in trouble

Oh no Is it like there's not many laughs and like So Greenpeace is mad As you stab forwards with the halberd You crush the pup a little bit uncomfortably against your arm The pup yips in pain and snaps at your hand You let go of the halberd with one of your hands,

and the halberd misses the yeti. All right. Sorry, little puppy. It's okay. Poor little puppy. I've called him Henry. All right. I'm going to attach you, idiot.

What? It could be werewolf pups. That might be a thing. To be, you know, people? It's all right. The Yeti gives a half. Snow madness. Snow madness.

He's got it. Put him out. Put him out of his misery. Worked for the druid. Did it? Well, it will. From his nearly prone position, the Yeti gives a half-hearted attempt at fighting back, but his wild swings don't connect with anyone now.

He looks like he's on his last legs. The polar bear continues to laugh. Fuck, I got that polar bear so good. Yeah. You better get him again because he's about to come out of his joke. I'd like to kill the fucking Yeti. Chop his head off. If I could.

Did you get another fucking... Oh, I'd be so happy. Yes! You're a fucking gem Fucked it good Thanks mate Across the eyes Ooh Permanently blinded

Not that it's gonna matter It's already blinded Well actually You might do enough damage To not kill it outright The polar bear's blind Yeah Okay good

No Oh were you taking the polar bear No No no no Yeah yeah the yeti Yeah Okay You grab the yeti. I was just... Yeah. Okay.

You grab the Yeti by its hair, head hair. You pull backwards, and then you slash. At first, maybe you mean to slash it across the throat, but instead you slash it across the eyes. It has the same effect ultimately, though. Blood starts pouring out of the Yeti at an amazing pace. You let go of the Yeti's head. It falls to the ground and starts bleeding out of the yeti at a amazing pace you let go of the yeti's head it falls to the ground and starts bleeding out in the snow shit trisha you you get really like frighteningly brutal like i'm worried you're that brutal again i'd like to wink at chet oh my god chet it's your turn uh i'd like to crossbow bolt that yeti in the brain It's dead Or dying

It's not getting up at any point Then I'll death in the polar bear Oh no Oh wait you were going to bargain with it I'm going to assume I did it Daryl Alright I look at polar bear Everyone calm down

Polar bear calm down Popsie Givens, whatever your name is. Popsie Givens. Everyone calm down, or I will strangle little Henry here. Probably shouldn't have named him if you're going to kill him. Probably not now. That was a mistake. Probably shouldn't have bonded with him.

Go get another one. You can kill that one. He's probably seen through this ruse. And this is how D'Arrel adopted five wolf pups. Maybe. All right, Trixie Poppins. What's your fucking name? Pixie Drop. Pixie Dop.

Pixie Dop. Fuck, you've come up with good names for this. All right, Pixie. This is... Everybody calm down. Everyone relax. Pixie, don't... Turn back into gnome or we will kill little Henry here. I give Henry a kiss on the forehead.

The polar bear continues to laugh. Trissa? Gee, what should I do? Kill the polar bear. No, Trissa, it's fine. Everybody is... Everybody is friends. This is are bullshit.

Trissa, stop it. I'll get a rolled up newspaper and smack you on the nose. Bad Trissa. Trissa will get you attached to a polar bear. Your attack hits. Yes. And now it's going to come back, but it's going to be mad. The polar bear roars in rage as it gets struck.

The laughter seems to have died. Quick, make it laugh again. Chet. I've seen him try and bargain with it. That's fine. Can I hold it? No. No, you can.

Polar bear. But it's not a person. Oh, that's right. I'll hold my action until it attacks. Okay. Is that Arl? All right. Trissa, stop attacking. Polar bear. Pixen, calm down. Everyone calm down. I'm going to say until it attacks. Okay. Is that Arl? All right. Trissa, stop attacking Polar Bear.

Pixen, calm down. I'm going to say you make an intimidation check, and that's your round. Pixen? Wow, you did really well on that intimidation check. Unfortunately, your intimidation check falls on deaf ears. Oh, you made it. Yes.

Oh, you dipshits. The polar bear attacks. And it knows where an enemy is. Oh, it's blind. I shouldn't have deafened the polar bear. I'm a fucking idiot. Maybe you can take it away. Can I dispel deafness?

Is that a power I have? Is it a bill you give? I don't even know if I can dispel spells. Some I can. Odds or evens, Trissa? Evens, please. Odds or evens, Trissa? Odds.

Did I not just get eyes on that? We time travel on here? I mean, yeah. That's what D&D's finesse is all about. Time travel. Time travel and doubts. I have a lot of names that you've named him. I've got Popsigivance, which was good.

Trixie Poppin'. WHAP! One of its claws, the polar bear, slams into your side, Trissa. WHAP! The other claw slams into your other side you take 22 points of damage it seems like a lot how much have i got left uh 10 by my count oh dear you're fine look just let him let me dispel and then the polar bear tries to crunch down on you with its teeth yeah you're like nah fuck this you shove the polar bear bodily in its chest.

Good. You can attempt to trip it, to bull rush it, so bull rushes to push it away, or to overrun it. What's overrun? Overrun means you basically walk over it. Trip it. Trip it? Yeah.

All right. Trip it, lock it, put it in your pocket. That's exactly what I wanted. Purple, please. Only because green wasn't there. Otherwise you'd have been all over that. That's a polar bear's strength. It's big.

Yep. You try to shove it, but the polar bear is a big creature, and you are a small one. You're a little nosey. You're unable to shove it over, but luckily its bite misses you by miles. Well, that's small wins. Small victories, guys. Small wins. In big versus small, small wins.

I'll quickly look up to see if you can dispel this. Yeah, cheers. Yeah, if I can dispel the deafness, I will. If not, I don't know what the fuck I'll do. How long does the deafness last for? I hope it's till a cleric heals him. Permanent. Funny.

So a cleric can remove it, but otherwise... Otherwise that's just a deaf druid. All right, I guess we're killing that druid. I might be able to dispel it. Give us a sec. That's true. No, bloody... Let's not panic

He can't see or hear Hey can I use mage hand like mage likes Yes Just like one hand poking out of my stump that I hop on I have ape hands for feet

Oh wait It's been real ape heavy this session Well, yeah You like them, so It's been a real ape heavy this session Well, yeah You like them, so it's fine I think they're funny, certainly I hate monkeys Guess who's adopting nine wolf pups I don't believe you have the spell to fix it

That's a shame, I'll crossbow the bear then That's a shame I guess we're putting it out of its music Well, we can't reason with it if it's deaf oh can you spend your time reloading oh fuck can I leap out of the thing and stab it can I like

launch myself like I guess no I mean you can it's blind so it's not that damaged though seems stupid no fuck it I'd do it like a coiled spring I you attack it with? Like a coiled

spring. I'll attack it with my sword, my plus one sword. Like a coiled spring. Like a chameleon's tongue. You're pretty puffed by the time you get to the polar bear. So your sword attacks are mostly useless. You're just rolling around where it's stomping

around. Why did I leave the safety of the sled? My next turn is going to be climbing back in. So do I know that the polar bear is now blind and deaf? Well, you knew it was blind. You're pretty sure it's deaf. You saw me do spells on it. I'm very sorry, Henry, that you have to see this.

I cover Henry's eyes and I go in there, help the red raised, and attack the polar bear. Don't squish it again, though. I'm covering his eyes. Do you want to make this vicious? Of course I do. And, like, maybe three power attack. You're going to fuck him up.

No, it's better to do it quick. His life spins ahead. Yes. Let it be known I tried. You did. Hey, you did your best. You're a good person. Even if this team is sort of turning out to not be.

You slash low at the polar bear, and you don't disembowel it, but you can see bows. You disembowel adjacent. Oh, it would be so stark in the snow. Oh, it's going to be real visible. Yeah. The steam is coming out from its gut. Don't listen, Henry, either.

The polar bear lets out a mighty bellow and swings at you, the arrow. It's going to be okay, Henry. What are you going to name all the others? Where are we going to keep them? Garfunkel. Oh, he's already written it down. Wolphins. One step ahead.

That's cute. Gaspi. I'm going to name one. Pixins. Paws. Left foot. Gibbons. And Rachel.

Gibbons is my favorite. Okay. So. I like left foot. Seems like it's simple. I haven't rolled for mischance yet. Because there's a 50-50 chance that all of these attacks will hit. But know that, golly, the polar bear got two criticals.

So, you better hope the mischance saved you, because man, there is an ass whooping with your name on it. Odds or evens? Whatever, evens. First attack misses. Odds or evens? Odds.

Odds. Second attack misses. Odds or evens? Odds. Evens. Second attack misses. Odds or evens? Odds. Evens. Third attack hits. That's all right. So let me just let you know. So first attack was 16, which would have been a hit. Second attack was a 20, potential critical.

20 to confirm that. Didn't get a third 20. Thank goodness. Third attack was a 20 with a 17 to confirm. So you're still getting crit fucked. You're still getting, yeah, to confirm. So you're still getting crit fucked. You're still getting, yeah, one crit fuck. You're still getting crit fucked. Golly, it could have been bad.

That's all right. I'm a very powerful boy. No one this handsome can die by polar bear. This probably would have taken you down. Like, if it didn't kill you, it would have fucked you so bad. Fuck. Lucky. Lucky boy. You don't understand you, it would have fucked you so bad. Fuck. Lucky. Lucky boy.

You don't understand. It really would have been bad. They are okay. Now it's just a crit. Like, what else? It's fine. I have my whole new harem of puppies. Harem?

I will fuck all these dogs. That's the plan. No, no. I thought you were going to... What do you call a collective dogs? A grump, I think. A grump of dogs. No, no.

A pack. It's a pack, guys. It's a dog pack. A wolf pack, if you must. The first slash misses. Slashing just air around you. The second attack, slash, comes this close to disemboweling you. Jesus Christ.

Actually would have torn your guts out, but you're out of the way at the last second. But then, as you look down to be like, whoo, the polar bear bites you on the back of the neck. Piece of shit. Picks you up like it would a pup and shakes you until you are fucking dizzy.

Pixins, you're hurting your Henry. You take 14 points of damage, and 8 points of bleed damage. Every round, you will lose 8 hit points until a heal check is made on you. The heal check takes it from 8

to 4. A third, a second heal check will then stop you, the heal check takes it from eight to four. A second heal check will then stop all the bleed. Super good. Between the regular damage and the bleed damage, you take 22 points in total, which is the first damage you've taken in this fight, isn't it? That's pretty good. Well, good for you, mate. Yeah, you should be chuffed.

Don't congratulate him. He's dying now. He'll be all right. No, I'm a tough boy. I've got like 75. Whatever. It's cool. Yeah. Trissa.

Attack a polar bear. We have to kill this guy. But we have to. Like, I didn't want to. But we have to now. On you, Triss. And you. Blind deaf boy over here.

I just made him a little bit blind. That's fine. I was like, if we just like moved away. Well, we don't even know what he was doing the polar bear is just swinging wildly and biting in every and any direction it can and after you saw what it did to daryl bite him on the back of the neck pick him up and throw him around you're not in quite so much a hurry to do the same thing. So you are unable to strike properly at the polar bear and you don't land a hit. Bugger.

Bull sacks. See, I can't put Henry down and push it towards the polar bear. And the polar bear can then see Henry and be like, oh no, my puppies. But I've become attached to this dog. Think of it from the perspective of poor old Poppin' Froppin'. Is that like, we come in, we're like, give us your silver. He's like, no. We're like, get him. Then you go into come in, we're like, give us your silver. He's like, no. We're like, get him! Then you go into his cave

and you're like, got one of your puppies. I'm stealing your babies. And your silver. Chet? I'm on the floor beneath it, yeah? Yep. Can I shoot up? You can attack upwards with your sword, but you gotta... With your sword, yeah? Can I do it with my crossbow?

You can do your crossbow, but you gotta reload it. I already did. When did you do that? I had to take a turn reloading. Yeah, but I don't think you did, did you? Oh, no, I don't think I did. I leapt off. I'll just hit it with the sword.

Adam Cannavale, continuity baby boy. Alright, I'll hit it with the sword then. But stabbing up into his... I don't think the arrows work. Huh? I don't think the arrows work. I? I don't think the arrows work. I shot him twice and he's like... Oh, yeah, that's true.

Well, the sword's definitely working because you stab him in the belly. Yay! Yay, good. Oh, you're going to get covered in guts. Don't say yay. You're killing an Alzheimer's-ridden gnome. Mercy. Learn about it.

The snow madness has gotten to him And this is the best alternative And I look at Chet and I wink again I feel like the best ending Is the one where Trissa dies What? Why? I'm an angel Adam for once I'm not fucking with you

That doesn't make you a good person It makes me less bad No it doesn't make you a good person. It makes you less bad. No, it doesn't! Like, Ali, I like you, but your character is kind of a cunt. What are you talking about? If only there were a way to balance the two. Be a nice character and a nice person. If only.

If only. Don't you fucking start. You. What am I? Me? Angel? Angel Boyz II? You Anyway

What that guy needed Oh and you And you Fuck you Fuck you Anyway You almost got off scot-free there I did

I should have opened my hands and had some sweet little dick-sucking. Daryl, it's your turn. To Daryl. All right. I'm going to take several steps back towards cave and just check on myself. Side.

Yeah, fair. Just like, Christ almighty, that was not good. You can try to make a heel check. Yeah. You did get destroyed. Are you just going to get more puppies? Is that the secret aim? You are unable to make a proper heel check. Yeah. You did get destroyed. Are you just gonna get more puppies? Is that the secret aim? You are unable to make

a proper heal check. You continue to bleed out. Alright. On its turn, you're gonna take another point of aim. I'm gonna, like, walk into the cave. Okay. That's puppy-wise. The arrow just wanders back into the cave. You don't need another puppy! No, I'm not

I'm done with this fight. I'm just checking out. You dickheads are on yourself. Oh, Chet. What? Huh? Get out. Shut the fuck up. Fuck you. What happens to Chet?

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