D&D is For Nerds - Stories of The Greyhill Free Company I #15 Dwarven Gods 101

Episode Date: August 14, 2021

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Sands Pants Radio, Australia's most cowardly podcast network. Previously, on the stories of the Greyhill Free Company. The lasso goes around one of the kobolds' necks strangling them. That kobold dies. While you are using this shield, it disrupts your connection to the natural order and you cannot use your spells

while you have the shield. This is gross to me. I find this abhorrent. Um, natural shield. Yuck. Scrolled in the runic craft of dwarvish, there are some words. Do either of you know Dwarvish? Yes, I know Dwarvish. You're illiterate.

Oh, yeah. You can speak Dwarvish. Everyone, into the bonehole. Let's just go. Let's bar the doors. Let's just do this. Let's have this conversation in there. Lock ourselves in the bone room.

Clever and good. Lock ourselves in the bone room. Clever and good. Lock ourselves in the bone room. Good and smart. Thank you very much. The door outside is a lot harder. The Dwarven script is complicated. Every word is affected by the word that comes before and the word that comes after.

And every word in itself has a suffix and a prefix that can completely change what the word means. Whoever opens these holes, may your spirit dwell within. Oh, no. The message on the door is cheeky. As is the custom of dwarves, I feel they might have dug a bit too deep and something came out.

Do you hear that? What? You listen very closely, and you can hear lots of little footfalls coming your way. Not from deeper in, but from outside. Okay, we need to barricade the doors. We need to barricade the doors right now. Do it.

Big T, grab those furnitures. Me and you, Love is Blind, we are pushing up against the door. The door opens. I throw a fan axe. Sorry? The door starts opening, throw a fan axe. Sorry? The door starts opening. I throw an axe at them.

All right. Well, we'll go to initiative. The door opens and kobolds begin to strain. Get killed by an axe. Wow. All of them at once? That never happens. How lucky.

How did they find us? Cut to outside. Cobolds approaching the distraction fire. You set. Somehow you're sweeping. I just made big arrows in the dirt to just like keep following this way. It's just so the leaves hit the dirt and then i dragged them they are following lines literal line from where we were to this point i tied a big tree branch to my back and i walked and just and just by pure like happenstance it's the way that the

leaves tumble you've spelt come find us we harmless, don't worry about it, Indraconic. Easy pickings. One of them says unarmed and then has a little winky face. Five kobolds almost kind of explode into the room, quite clearly pushed by kobolds further up the back. It's Lover's Blind's turn. Lover's Blind casts Thunderclap. No, Lightning Lore.

He lassos one of them, dragging them further in towards him and dealing five points of damage. That kobold does not die. And then it is your turn, Tristan. Would you like to throw your handaxe? I want to whisper and say pull them in, we'll get out, lock them in.

It's your turn. Would you like to throw a handaxe? So many. We need to run. I was whispering first. Yeah. Yes, I'd like to throw a handaxe. But I would like to throw a handaxe and then run further in like no, don't catch me. Don't trap me in the room.

All right. You throw your hand axe. You miss, unfortunately. A kobold. It sparks off the wall. And then you're running further in towards like the light. Yes, don't catch me. All right.

And it is the kobold's turn. One more kobold enters. And then the... How many are there? There's five. The five... No, six. The six that are there begin combat.

Two of them attack love is blind. One with a dagger, one with a sling. Love is blind gets hit twice. The dagger deals five points of damage and the sling deals five points of damage. Love is Blind is on two hit points. Fuck. Chug your health potion, Love is Blind.

Chug-a-lug. That's two out of six. Two attack. One attacks Yayola. They get... No, Yayola doesn't resist. Yayola gets stabbed. She has no fight.

Takes five points of damage. That leaves three more. Two attack globble. You're closer. What? Duck and dive. Duck and dive. A sling throws a bullet, which deals four points of damage to you.

Then a second sling fires at you. Stunning blow. Make a DC 16 constitution saving throw on a failed save. You are stunned until the end of your next turn. No. That's another 20. You're fine. Yes.

You just take four points of damage. Okay. And then a sling is thrown at you, Big T, as you sprint away. It's a miss. Oh, no. You're the only one who doesn't take damage. You have to catch me. Can you not do that?

They need to have pheons. Globble, it's your turn. Entangle on the door. And I want to say to everyone, we need to book it. You cast Entangle. Unfortunately, there is nothing to grow in the stone. Is there nothing to... What?

Not even moss on it? This is bullshit. Fucking D&D garbage. But the outside is outside. Yeah, in the entranceway. You want to cast it just past the door? Yeah. You need to get closer so that you can see it.

Would I know that there's nothing to grow there? Or is that a wasted slot? I would say you could... I i'd allow it yeah as in like you don't waste the slot you can see there's nothing that you've already investigated this area nothing's gonna grow here okay um we need to get out of here i want to uh what's yayola doing yayola is like backing up but not really fighting back uh so i just everybody run, and I'll cast a Cure Wounds on myself. No, actually, I'll chuck a health potion, and I will run. All right.

Oh, wait. A health potion. Right, that's this. You recover eight hit points, and then you turn around and sprint? Yep. That is your turn, Glovel. Love is blind looks terrified at both of you and says, perhaps we should lock the door? How?

It's got a big crank on it. If he drinks the potion, he's going to take an attack of op. Just one attack of op. Yeah, all right. He drinks the potion. He recovers five hit points can we get to the door or a kobold's just funneling it through um you you you would need to stem the tide and then shut the door or you could kind of maybe big t is strong enough to just move past them and shut the door, especially while raging. But if you don't want to try it, you don't want to try it. We're booking and running in and yes.

We're going further. And then tree stump, what do you want to do? Keep sprinting? Can I tell what everyone else is trying to do? You turn back, everyone's running with you, yeah. No, no, no, no, no. What were you trying to do? I was trying to distract all the kobolds to come toward me

so we could all run out the front door and then lock them in. There's 60. So I've got to be fast. Well, you'd all have to be fast. Okay, well, I'm going to keep running further in then. Can I peek at what that glowy thing is? As you approach it, you can see that it is a dwarf. This dwarf is not bones.

They are skin and flesh as well. The dwarf is, the glowing is their armor. Their armor is made out of gold, and the dwarf is like kneeling down on one knee facing away from you, so you're coming up towards his back. He has a warhammer in his hands. He's kneeling with the warhammer in front of him, held down against the floor,

with the hammerhead on the floor, and he is holding the handle in both of his hands, like he's kneeling before something. You can see bristling hair coming out each side. And yeah, like, between gaps gaps you can see that the dwarf still has flesh but that doesn't necessarily mean that this dwarf is alive just maybe hasn't been as dead as long um what is the dwarven accent the dwarven accent what do you mean well i'm about to speak dwarvish to this person so what accent is is correct? Scottish. Can you give me an example?

I, alas, I could give you many an example. Oh, Scottish, but a bit of this accent. Okay, we're there. Oh, friend, could you help us out? The figure does not move or shift. Do you approach? Yes. I go in.

You can reach the dwarf. When you get around to their face, you can see they're like pallid and cold. It looks like a corpse. Oh, no, guy. You've been killed. I'm in a separate room now, aren't I? Yeah. Okay.

You can see all around you, this is a massive hole, way bigger than the last one previously. The last one looks like it was, the last room you were in was probably some sort of defensive room to try and stop invaders from coming in. This one is like the one where you walk, all right, you've got to go through airport security, but then the airport itself is beautiful. You know what I mean?

Yeah. So they're like trying to impress people here. You can see age has not diminished this room. You can see giant, massive, simply enormous banners on either side of the room with sigils of different dwarven houses, presumably ones that lived here. This tapestry, these tapestries have not in any way tarnished with age. You can see actually all around this dwarf as well. There is not a speck of dust, even though the last room looked like it should. It should have been super dusty. But this room, especially around this dwarf, looks perfectly preserved.

As you approach the dwarf as well, you feel a sense of safety. Oh, thank you for having me in your home. Does the door lock? The dwarf's armor includes a crown. You know what that means. King. Hang on, what does it mean? It means king, yeah.

Oh, okay. This is the king. Yeah. Does the door lock? The door behind you was broken inwards. And could I shut it and lock it? Not now, when my friends come into the room. Oh, I see.

Sorry, we're thinking of two things broken inwards. When I say broken inwards, I mean like completely destroyed, almost off its hinges. Oh, no. I did not properly describe that. That's fair. So the knowledge I have around. You around put it back up though like you could put it back in place and it's heavy but but the kobolds would burst through it was mainly once my friends jump in shut the door by us seconds actually this

feeling the sense that you're getting right now you're're like, no, maybe it'll be fine. Adam? Yeah? Does my character know enough about a thing or two to know that something's happening and I shouldn't put that crown on? What? Where did you get the crown? Where did you get the crown? Where did you get the crown from? What?

I am suspecting that this room, this man has something on him, like a clerical object or something, that is going to make anyone around it feel like things are going to be okay when they're not. So how am I feeling, Adam? You can tell, Tree Stump can tell that there is a magical effect occurring. Something magical or something powerful is in this room and is having an effect on this room. But the effect, the feeling that you get is that you could lift those doors, put them in place, and that would stop the kobolds. Okay. That is what Tree Stump believes.

Okay, I'm just going to check. Intelligence neg one, wisdom neg one. Yeah, I will be moving the doors. You turn back and start sprinting back that way. Oh, my friends. I'm going to help him. It's the kobold's turn. Another three enter.

Yes. Shit. And, yeah, so that's nine now. Three attack love is Blind. Have we sprinted far enough or not at all? Love is Blind. Actually, Love is Blind is in the room. Hasn't gotten up to the light,

but Love is Blind is in the room with Big T. So, all right. Global, do you still have the ball of fire? Yes. Yeah. You see that the three bullets pass, oh, sorry, two of the bullets pass into the room and they fall either side of Big T. One of them was fired, like, really hard and really fast and really accurately. And when it gets to the threshold of that doorway it bounces off as if there was a

door there yeah yeah then three attack at yayola they all miss luckily uh if they were using daggers they probably would have hit her but they're firing they're firing shots and they're just shit shots. So, luckily, Yayola is fine. And then three attack you, Globals. Cheers. I've got good news and bad news. Give me them good news.

Good news is only one hits. That's great, but it's critical, isn't it? It is. Internal bleeding. Make a DC12 constitution saving throw on a failed save. You take a D4 damage at the beginning of your turn for the next D4 rounds. You pass the constitution check. Oh, that really bruised. You take six points of damage.

Ha! Globler, it's your turn. Well, I would like to try and get into that room. All right. You pass through the threshold You feel the same thing It's like a mounting sense of like Things are going to be okay

We've probably got this Is Big T lifting the door? Big T isn't at the doors yet Big T is running back to the doors You have the exact same thought at the exact same time Right, I should probably help you I'll do that Where is Yayola?

Yayola is still backing up into the room. It's Lover's Blind's turn. Lover's Blind looks around, looks at you, Globble, and a smile cracks on his face. He turns to the kobolds and lightning lures. His lightning lure latches around one of the kobolds and he cuts that kobold in half.

Good work, Theo. Lover's blind. Then it is tree stump. Your turn. I'm going to lift that door and save my friends. Tree stump. With tremendous effort you lift the door and move it into place. One of the doors is in place.

I got to do the second one. Is everyone in yet? We're helping. We're trying to get... When will they get... Are they close by? It's the kobold's turn. Oh, shit. Three more. Oh, no, wait.

It was Yayola's turn. Yeah, Yayola, like, stumbles into the room, and then it is the kobold's turn. There are now 12 kobolds in that previous antechamber. Little bolts... Strike at the hole as if there was a door there and just bounce off yeah that's great this is interesting um well um i'll uh are they all in a in a packed tightness no wait look i'm i'm wounded uh i'll go i'll cure wounds myself all right who's how's everyone looking health-wise

how is uh i'm feeling great. You're feeling great. Is anyone a bit more wounded than myself that I'm like, we're all quite needing of bad assistance here. Love is Blind looks badly scraped. So Yayola has a knife wound. You and Love is

Blind are about as bad as each other. Look, come here, Love. And I'll cure. Love is Blind recovers 11 hit points, is fully healed. And then I'll get behind the door and try and assist Big T lifting that thing up

if need be. The two of you lift up the door and put it in place. As you stand the door finally back where it should be, you can hear... Like tiny little hammering at the other side of the door. It does not shift or move at all. Inspect the door?

The door is, at this point, just two stone slabs standing upright. It looks like the kobolds are unable to penetrate it. You feel very confident that the kobolds will not be able to break this. That was one problem solved. May we add another problem is... I feel very good about being here. Look at this guy. Oh, I look at the guy.

It's clearly a corpse. The person is dead, but they look like they died a few moments ago. Oh, well, with the exception of they are stone cold to the touch and they are pallid. Yeah, okay. But other than that, there appears to be no rot on the corpse.

How much do I know about dwarven culture? Do I know that this is like a burial rite or something? No, no, no. Dwarves do not bury themselves like this. None of what you've seen so far is burial rites. I'll let you know when you encounter a mausoleum. Thank you. So this is weird for me as well.

Yeah, this is unusual. I didn't know kings did this. I suppose the king wouldn't. I suppose someone else would. But it looks like he sat down. Does the warhammer look nice? The warhammer is... Yep, it looks

powerfully magical. God, that's fancy. Yeah, let's just leave it where it is, I feel. Yeah, it seems very rude to take it. He liked it this much. He kept it in the magic room. Do I know... I'm letting you know, this room is too big to have explored properly. You cannot

see the depths of this place. Do you have a look? Inspect the aura of the... Vibe check. Yeah, vibe check it. And just be like, is it... Do I think the protective spells or whatever it is, that thing that stopped the missiles coming in our way,

was that to do with this dwarf or... All the magic in this room seems to be emanating from this dwarf, yes. It was very powerful. But you cannot deduce the nature of this magic. Whatever it is, it is not mundane arcane magic. There is something else to this. There is

a power to this. This is perhaps some kind of deal with a god, a cleric, perhaps. Oh, we shouldn't touch him. Let's just leave him alone. Look at other things, though. What else is there?

I'll produce. Love is blind. Love is blind. Touching gently, the dwarf's cheek says. It could also just be the words of a powerful person. They carry more energy than people realize. Yes, perhaps you're right. I guess we will produce flame

and I'll start wandering this hall. In this time, short rest? Would this be considered light rest? If you wanted to spend an hour. Investigating? If you wanted to spend an hour investigating, no? If you wanted to spend an hour investigating,

no. If you spent an hour resting, yes. Right, right, right. Well, let's investigate and see what happens. You spend an hour in the room? Can you, uh, investigating, sorry, right? Yeah. Yeah. Alright. How long since my last bath? A while.

Perhaps I will, um, wait a bit. I will have a short rest. Could you conjure some water above your head and I splash it on you with my shield? Yes, well, that's why you want to have the short rest. I've expelled quite a lot of magical energies, shall we say, and I, yes, if we do a short rest and I could do that. Yes, I could do that. Is there anything, is there water around here?

Would you like to do an investigation? Yes, I guess. You investigate in this immediate area. You find several doors that lead in different directions. One set of giant metal and stone doors that lead off on the other side. So it's like kind of a straight line. So it's a single door, the one that you came through in the entranceway. Then the double doors that have been knocked over just beyond, then another even bigger set of double doors, simply massive in size and scale at the other end of this hallway.

This hallway is maybe 50 feet by 200 feet. It's quite big. Those double doors are closed, but within those double doors, there is a single regular human-ish sized door as well. Obviously, the double doors open for big things to pass through. And then the smaller door is if just people want to pass through, but the big doors stay closed. You know what I mean? Then there are a couple of sets of doors off to either side. So on the right-hand side, there are two doors,

one of them wooden, one of them stone. The wooden door has a sign above it written in dwarven. And then on the left-hand side, there is one door. That door is also made out of wood and also has a sign written above it. That sign is surrounded by several holy symbols.

You would... Someone in your party points them out as religious symbols. Love is blind, let's not doubt this sign. Which one? Left or right? Which direction do dwarves read in? Did what? Which direction do dwarves

read in? Oh, dwarves read from top to bottom. Top left or top right? No, straight down in a line. Yeah, but if you're writing a book, does it start in the top right-hand corner or top left-hand corner? Oh, I see what you're saying. It would, I guess, start in the top right.

Then I'll start there. You read on the... Zina, you start read on the right hand side? Yes. Okay. This one reads as Market Hall. Market Hall. Yeah. What's the other one say? Chapel of the Faiths. Chapel of the Faiths. Do they use water in their rituals?

Yeah, one of the Dwarven gods is a sea god. There would probably be a pool here. There's probably a pool. Not like an Olympic-sized swimming pool, as in like a baptismal font, but probably big enough for him to get in. Let's go. He's gasping in like every other minute. That's go. Just gasping in every other minute. Yeah, that'd be good.

Yeah, that's good to me. All right. You're like Spongebob. Yeah, let's go. Come on. I need it. You rushed to that. Oh, I was about to do the Spongebob I need it thing,

but I just realized you had just done it, and that's probably what triggered it in my mind. All right. to think but i just realized you had just done it and that's probably what triggered it in my mind um all right so you see there are one two five separate sections to this chapel it splays out in a semicircle you would you know enough about the dwarven gods to know that these are the five major deities king gimbarr king anoff queen gogogo sorry queen go go go go queen gorga dogan gorga dawn sorry i fucked it five different ways from sunday gorga dawn okay go get on go get done king flick limb and queen Agard which one's the yeah where's the wet one that would be Queen Gorgodorn

of course it is come on go to the Gorgodorn go to the Gorgor you see a statue of a a very sturdy looking well you can't tell the difference between dwarves could be male could be female.

All dwarves have beards. It's hard to tell. Yes, they're all very dry. They're dry people, you know? Slung over their back is a long bow, and you can see that they are holding a book in their hands. Beneath them is a altar, and in front of the altar

is a pool of water. I jump on in, Adam. Alright. The water is salty like seawater, but not uncomfortable for you to get into. I just take it all in. I let him have his time. And now a quick word from our sponsors.

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I assume I know a fair amount about them, don't I? Yeah. The King Gimba sorry, I'm stumbling over all of them now, was the first recorded Dwarven king. Dwarves have an unbroken lineage of records from the first king, which was basically at the inception of the Dwarven nation up until today. Oh, do I know who that guy is then? The dead one?

The dead one? Yeah. No, you don't know it that well. Very few dwarves actually could name every single king and queen. Okay. Well, look, I'll have a look around the room while I'm waiting, but I'm more concerned about getting back so we can leave. Right.

Like, I'm in a rush. I don't want to rush my friend. But when you're done, we'll go. Like, thumb up from beneath the pool. King Gimbar is, as always, kind of the most prominent of them. So, like, the most reverence is paid to this one there is a ceremonial there's an altar here as well the altar is unadorned of anything it's just a simple stone slab with a stone crown atop it you know that

this is a ceremonial crown that will sometimes be worn by a priest or or a person if there's like a special ceremony going on like a a knighting or someone is becoming king the ceremonial put this crown on them it's a big deal uh you know it'd be very sacrilegious if you were to pick up the crown adam you have answered the question i had if you are worried about the wrath of a god, this could be the sort of thing that might make the god unhappy. Otherwise, you're probably not too worried because there are no dwarves here to get upset with you. But if you were worried about the god's wrath, that could happen.

Oh, okay. Don't touch the crown. It's very rude. Sometimes god gets mad. The next one is King Anoph, who was king during some of the darkest days of the wars between the dwarves and the elves. Is it because he turned all the lights off? No.

I'm sorry. Instead of a simple altar, there's a forge here. The forge looks like it's still ready to use. There are... Oh, there would be weapons here as well, actually. Oh, for me? Would you like to have a look at them? Yeah.

How's the lows? Highs. What's good? Oh, present. You find, hang on, let me look it up. How long does, do you just need to submerge yourself and then get out? I don't know. Yeah.

I think it says an hour. An hour? An hour? Made for an hour. That's insane. That's so long. I'm not sure, though. So, hang on. So it's every four hours you have to get into the bath for one hour.

So that's five hours. So four times a day. That's insane to me. Yeah. Just submerge at least once every four hours to avoid suffocating. So I think it's good to be a dip. Just like when you wet a sponge before you use it. Yeah, I just submerge myself.

You find a halberd that the head of the halberd is curved and jagged to look like almost like a fishing hook of sorts. to look like almost like a fishing hook of sorts. The metal pole attached to it has various knobbly bits on it that look like maybe their ergonomic handholds. And you can see that there is a gem set into the handguard where you would hold it. It looks like the gem has been curved and crafted so that it fits around your fingers.

My fingers? You could try. This is less rude than the crown, yeah? This is okay? This is not a artifact or like a religious relic. This is, so this is one, there are several dwarven gods that are like, you should make weapons or make things in my name.

This is one of several such gods. This is probably just the result of that. So someone has been here and has made this. There's not much rules. I pick it up. Dibs. In your hands, it almost immediately begins to hum with magical energy. Ooh.

This is a plus one halberd. You can add that if you want. Very nice. While that's happening, Globble, you are done. He's very nice. I'll get up and I'll start maybe going back to everybody and seeing what's going on. You can see Yeola is like something has put like a fire beneath her and you're not sure exactly why.

But suddenly she's like she seems in better spirits than she was before. She's in the happy room. She quite clearly is still upset over the death of her partner. But she like has a like a you don't think you're going to have any issues with her. She's chatting with love is blind. They've been like quietly talking while big T was having a look. And it looks like they're just, it look,

you probably come in just as love is blind is thanking her for forgiving him. Yes. Oh, that's very sweet. That's good. Don't talk about it though. I, I,

I, I grinning like a smile on my face. I'll head towards it. Both of them have watery eyes, and one of them is, love is blind, is maybe wiping the tears out of his eyes. This is very, very sweet to look at. The best thing I find about adventuring

is the second chances that we all seem to get. It's very nice. It's very nice. It's very sweet. How's everybody doing in here? We are doing better. I think I do not know what the future holds, but I feel confident that we will at least find a second exit and survive this. Yes.

Trisom's confused by what you said because Treesump has received nothing but positive reinforcement this whole time and has not been made aware of any error. It's like, mistakes? Second chance? Why do you need to just get the first one right? It's not hard. You return with the halberd?

Yeah. Look at the found! Yeah. That is impressive. What is this? What is this room? You return with the halberd? Yeah Look at the found Yeah Yeah That is impressive What is this? What is this room? I thought it was a chapel of sorts

Don't touch the king It seems rude Don't touch crowns Gods get mad at you Alright I mean There's no doors around But it's still not nice

Perhaps we should Check Maybe there will be Something else You can see Lover's blind Like a little bit In the back of his mind. You can see. Oh, he's all tabaxi.

Oh, is there something for me? We can look around and see what's going on. I mean, there was that rumor of that ethereal manipulation armor. I'm not quite sure what that is. It could be here. But it could. I point to the God King. I don't quite sure what that is. It could be here. I point to the God King.

I don't know what they're wearing. Could that be the manipulation, ethereal manipulation armor? I don't feel manipulated. I feel good, actually. Did you see any armor there that was like that? You didn't. No.

I was like, no, and. I was like, no. And then I'm like, fuck. What about the armor that the boy with the war hammer is? Is that the armor? Sure. There is also, Big T, you would know that there is Queen Agard, who would be one of the chapels here. Queen Agard will also have a forge in her little chapel section,

and dwarves will often make things for her as well. So the one you went to, King Anorth, he is kind of like a... He's almost like a god of war, because he looked over the... He was king during the greatest of the wars of the elves. And so most people, when they make something for him, they will make a weapon. But Queen Agard is more of just a general creation sort of deity. You could do a cross-stitch for her.

Sorry? You can do a cross-stitch and stuff. Yeah, that counts. Oh, cute. We do have a sewing pack from those cobblers. We could do something. I've got to practice my needlepoint. Yes.

Good for stitching up wounds. Oh, okay. With a flower. Yes. And then there's finally King Ficklim, who is the only other one that you've not been to. King Ficklim is kind of like a healing and restoration god of sorts. Ooh, Ficklim's healing. We can go have a see if anything good

for us there. Come in, come in. It's all good, don't touch anything. Investigate and be careful, I guess, of not to disturb anything. Any luck with that ring, love, by the way, that was on the keyboard? Oh, I did not. In all this excitement, I have not had a chance.

Yes. Perhaps after we have cleared out this room. Of course. Let's investigate everything and have a wonder. What will our heroes find as they venture forth deeper into the dwarves' stronghold? Find out next time on Stories of the Greyhill Free Company. Do you hate learning? Do you ever wish your brain would just fucking stop retaining new information and leap Harrison Ford in the fugitive style from your brain and into a river?

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