D&D is For Nerds - Stories of The Greyhill Free Company I #24 Fight Spider with Spider

Episode Date: October 16, 2021

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Sance Pants Radio, Australia's most cowardly podcast network. Previously on Stories of the Greyhill Free Company. All the trees here are dead and blackened, and the giant spider had disguised itself as part of trunk and then tree branches, and then it starts moving and falls down. Big T, it's your turn. It's Big T and Big Love. You're the only one who calls him that.

Yeah, I like calling him that. Okay. You look at Yaiola and she gives you a really apologetic look and then a spider crosses over her face and she needs to blow out

before it tries to, as it's trying to force its way into her mouth. Oh, God. That's completely understandable, yes. Where is it? Everyone, please back away

from those swarms. The space here is thick with spiders. Many, many, many small ones, but a great deal, many big spiders. Hey, Sarah, many small ones, but a great deal many big spiders.

I count. How many other spiders do I see? Hundreds. And we are their only chance to rescue them. That is it. It's us. So much pressure. So we need to rally together and be the best that we can and get rid of these people. Not just for the people that have been taken, but for people that were taken beforehand

and for the future people that were using the King's Road. Globble? Yes? You look at the party and yourself and you see yourself looking at you with abject panic. You can see yourself many, many times over through your eight eyes. Is this

a permanent? What do I know about this? Yeah, what's... Hey, friend, can we get a little more information? So, you know that you've swapped bodies with the spider. Okay. All right, and what would you like Yola to do? I already got her to kill a wolf spider.

That's right. It's the giant wolf spider's turn. They act as if they haven't seen what just happened. That's good. I'm behind enemy lines. Two of them are... Actually, fuck, four of them swarm Chantel. Yeah.

Big T is still up the back. All right. You need to get in there, Big T. Use your... I've got my halberd, but... It's what we need right now. That's what you're good at. My fire's scary.

Yes, it is. Do I as a spider get five temporary hit points, or does old me get five temporary hit points? If the consciousness is swapping and it's purely an act of courage, then in theory the mind that gained the heroism should keep it. But what you just went through was pretty scary. But the heroism should have prevented him from taking any damage or conditions due to fear.

Right? So we've now got the bravest spider on side. I'll allow it. Yeah! Chantel gets swarmed by spiders. They are on top of her, and it's going to be bad. Oh. She takes 12 points of piercing damage.

Oh. That's six sets of fangs. Then eight points of piercing damage. Four sets of fangs. Mm-hmm. Then five points of piercing damage. Uh-huh. And that's it?

No. Then she needs to make three constitution saving throws. Okay. Okay. She fails the first one. Okay. And takes a further ten points of poison damage. Okay. Chantal goes down.

Okay. All right, it's the wolf spiders' turn. They swarm past the giant spiders, and they start shooting web. One of them targets global and... Gets a critical fail. Gets a critical fail. Your stance is off.

Make a DC 16 wisdom saving throw. On a failed save, take a D6 penalty to your next ranged attack roll. They fail. They'll take a negative D6 on their next attack roll. The next one targets Yayola. Yayola is webbed. Yayola is restrained,

which means that their speed becomes zero. Their attack rolls against them have advantage, and their attack rolls have disadvantage, and they have disadvantage on dexterity saving throws. Yay. Then one of them targets Big T. Mm-hmm. Big T, you are also webbed.

On fire, though. Yeah. Yes. So does the web put out the fire, or does... It'll take some time. It doesn't put it out straight away. The web has hit points. And the web's apparently suffering hit points because of the fire.

Yeah, it will. It looks like it's going to burn away, but it's not burning away straight away. There's a lot of web. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Love is blind.

Also gets webbed. That was three. I've only got four left. Globble, they're going to go for you again. Miss. Yayola. Yayola gets webbed. Globble, they're going to go for you again. Miss. Yayola. Yayola gets webbed. Globble.

Miss. Globble hit. You're all webbed. Okay. I mean, not you. I mean, not me. Big T, it's your turn. The fire, the web that you are covered in is catching fire and is burning away at a rapid rate, but it's not gone yet.

They shoot a lot all at once so can i use my hands at all can i use any weapons you can unlumber and attack if you want to yeah i would like to do that all right are you going to attack at the you can't hit any of them they're not close enough they webbed you from range for this specific reason but you could attack the web if you wanted to let's just give a little bit of halberd love to my one true web critical hit not that it matters you destroy the web that's good do i bust out of it cool like you bust out of it super cool oh fuck you would you like to charge the spiders can i attack if i charge him no you can't because you've already attacked this so i'm just getting within range for them to hit me

which is probably for the best. You are a meat shield. I am hearing a lot about this meat business. Yeah, sure. Fine. I put myself in harm's way because it seems like a clever idea. All right. This goes with everything I know about being sent.

What would you like lovers blind to do? They are also entangled in web. Let them set themselves free. How? Dagger. Dagger? They've got a dagger. Alright. He slashes the web

and he frees himself. That's his action. What would you like him to do otherwise? Maybe light another crossbow bolt in preparation. Okay. So it's Chantel's turn. Would you like to roll for Chantel? Okay. She's been here before. A 15. Alright. That's one successful saving Chantel's turn. Would you like to roll for Chantel? Okay.

She's been here before. A 15. All right. That's one successful saving throw. That's good. And Globble and Yayolo, it's your turn now. Oh, yeah. Well, as a spider, I would like to attack another spider. What are my spider options?

Oh, that's right. They webbed one of their own. Which is good, I guess uh you were firing at a wolf spider right yeah all right so you have a web attack you can shoot that and then restrain other uh other creatures but the spiders ignore that webbing so they're immune to it okay you otherwise have a bite attack yes which does a d6 damage, and they need to make a constitution saving throw or take poison damage. Well, I'm going to try and eat up

a wolf spider. Alright, you attack a wolf spider. The wolf spider seems very genuinely shocked. When you launch onto its back and start biting down into it, you hit, and you do five points of piercing damage, and they need to make a constitution saving throw

Which they fail So they take an extra Twelve points of poison damage Well that's great You take down a wolf spider Best news And highs or lows? Yeah highs

The other spiders are not sure what to make of this This is greater news What would you like Yeola to do? They are restrained. Right. Can they cast any... They can still attack, but at disadvantage. Oh, no, because they cast, say, a healing spell? Yeah, they could cast a healing spell.

Well, I believe they're going to cast Healing Word, a ranged one, at their lover, Chantelle. Chantelle recovers... What is thatantal. Chantal recovers... What is that? Chantal recovers nine hit points. And then what they're going to do is use... They have a channel divinity, and they're going to channel ten hit points into Chantal's beautiful body.

All right, Chantal recovers an extra... Gross. Recovers an extra ten hit points. Just the way you described it Yeah, there was no need for that Don't forget that Yayola has Oh wait, no, they don't have that yet Nevermind, that's next level

They'll get a hellish rebuke Yes, that's what they're going to do there And that's their bonus action And their move will be to wiggle It is the giant spiders' turn So Yes Unfortunately, Big T Yes It's you It is the giant spiders' turn. So. Yes. Unfortunately, Big T.

Yes. It's you. It's always been you. Oh. But I'm so mad. They swarm you. One misses. That's good.

One hits. That's bad. One misses. That's good. One misses. Hey. Oh, okay. You only get bit once.

One of them sinks its fangs into your shoulder. That's going to hurt. So you take, you're currently raging, so you only take five piercing damage, and you need to make a constitution saving throw. So I got none piercing damage. None piercing, that's good. Yes.

But you will need to make a constitution saving throw, which you handily pass, so no extra damage. Ah. That's it, you're fine. Nothing happens. It's like the end of an episode of a sitcom. And then it is the wolf spiders' turn.

There are six of them left still. One of them is me. I guess this is global last turn. I rolled damage for them because I forgot you changed bodies. That one's just like because they're not intelligent it it's it's webbed it can't do anything it tries to free itself i suppose

it can't it has its first thought panicked it's like what this usually works just the idea that it gains a slight bit of sapience with its new brain being like, wait, this is what I do to others? God, I got to change some things. Two of them are going to attack you, Big T, and then three attack you. No, you're not webbed. So that's a miss. And then, oh, second attack is a hit.

You take six halved, three points of piercing damage. Okay. You need to make a constitution saving throw. You pass the constitution saving throw. Then three attack Yaiola. Shit. That's not good. They're going to get advantage because Yaiola is webbed.

Still a miss. Okay. Idiots. Hit. Hit. Okay, idiots. Hit. Oh.

Hit. Yayola from the two bites takes nine piercing damage and needs to make two constitution saving throws. That's Yayola. What's your constitution? Be good. Nope, that's a fail. And a pass. Yayola takes six points of poison damage.

Oh, that's not good. Okay. Spiders are currently covering Yayola and Big T. Both of them look, they're both on the ropes. And then it is Big T and Love's turn. So Tree Stump. It's raging! So Tree Stump is going to use their halberd,

see if they can dip it in a little bit of flame going around. Am I still on fire a little bit? You are, no, no, the fire has kind of gone out on you. see if they can dip it in a little bit of flame going around. Am I still on fire a little bit? You are. No, no, the fire has kind of gone out on you. That's good. In a way that is better. Is there flame going that I can dip my halberd into and start attacking?

Not where you are, no. Well, I'll simply attack in that case. Would you like to recklessly attack with advantage, but then enemies get advantage on you? Actually, you're surrounded. Don't do that. They will get so many more attacks than you will. It's not worth it. What are you attacking, a wolf spider or a giant spider?

One of the giant ones. How many of each are there, really? How many of each? There are four giant and five or six wolf spiders, depending on how you count it. Has it been, when we've been attacking it, it seemed like the wolf spiders fall pretty quickly

and the giant spiders don't? The wolf spiders are simply smaller, so they're less intimidating. You can tell that they're weaker. You do hit the giant spider, actually. Oh, sick. And take a leg off? You take several legs off.

You kill a giant spider. Oh, I love that. Chef's kiss. And then what would you like love to do? He's free of the web. He has a spell called Lightning Lua, which does a d8 damage and drags them 10 feet

closer. He has Thunder Wave. He has his crossbow bolt. I think if we could do like a Thunder Wave and just try and take out a lot of the little ones. He'd have to move in closer. Oh, yeah. Well, let's have him do that.

Let's have him duck in closer and then he can. Can that bonus action where he flies over. I was going to say tempestuous magic because it's before. It's a spell. It's a bonus action. Oh, no, it is a spell. Yeah. Sorry.

It's before or after a spell is cast. So before or after a spell is cast, fly up to 10 feet into the air. He does so. He lands neatly in among some of the spiders, slamming several of them with his thunder wave. He deals 12 points of damage to three of them, knocking all three out. Oh, yeah, and then he strat yeets out, strategically leaves. Oh.

Oh, so you want him to fly after he casts his spell. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Run in. All right. Strat yeet out. All right. He zooms past them. So he's like on the other side of the front lines now.

Past them. Kind of isolated from you lot, but also away from the spiders. That's what we want. That's what we want. Teleporting in behind him is the phase spider. Shit. Shit. Don't.

Not fan. Bad. Hate. It launches itself on top of him. Fuck. Yeah, that's a hit. He takes only seven points of piercing damage and then needs to make a constitution saving throw.

So that's two. That's pretty good. He make a constitution saving throw. So that's two. That's pretty good. He passes the constitution saving throw. That's fine. Get it off, get it off, get it off, get it off, get it off. Fear. I'd feel the same way if I were in that situation. Chantel is up, and Chantel starts swinging.

She attacks one of the spiders from behind Big D. She hits. That's great. She downs one of the spiders from behind, Big D. She hits. That's great. She downs one of the giant spiders. Second wind. Second wind. No, fuck. Action surge.

Action surge. He's yelling her powers at her. She uses, well, actually she could have done both because it doesn't take an action. It doesn't cost anything to use that. Anyway, she action surges. She hits again. She downs one of the wolf spiders and now a quick word from our sponsors hey handsome and handsomeettes today's episode is proudly sponsored by our good friends over at the hard dice podcast want a podcast that takes movies and board games and blends them together into some kind of delicious podcast smoothie with three distinct flavors.

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All right. And then it is Globble and Yayola's turn. All right. Well, Yayola is going to try and free hers. How many spiders are there for fighting Yayola? Oh, actually, there's none. That's cool. Yayola's been completely cleared of spiders by Chantel.

Well, Love is Blind took out two, and then Chantel took out the third. Right. Well, how many spiders are around? There are two giant spiders and two wolf spiders, depending how you count it. Okay, that's great. Well, I'm going to, as a wolf spider, attack the other wolf spider. I'm so sorry. That okay here we are i'm just if i rip myself apart that's fine i'm just a dm asking a man to re-roll this attack against an ally within

five feet of you is there any allies within five feet of me yeah big t oh no adam big t a wolf Big T. Oh. No. Adam. Big T, a wolf spider leaps at you, lands on you, and starts biting into you. Luckily, it can't pierce your armor just yet. So sorry. So sorry. So sorry. It doesn't say anything. I tap something, and then I back off. All right.

You get an attack of up. I don't notice. That seems like spider shit to me. That's fair. You're not taking your attack of up? Oh, I'd love to take my attack of op. No, no, no, no. Oh, shit.

Oh, my God. You got a nat one. What the fuck is this game? Throw them away, Adam. Throw them away. I think this is good. I'm using different dice. He throws them wrong.

Yeah. Off balance, all enemies that attack you before your next turn add a d6 to their attack roll. That sucks Then Yayola The two of you are just stumbling around unbalanced and terrified

Yes, I'm very much terrified We're all scared We're all extremely scared So Yayola is going to Sacred Flame, I guess? Or is it better to use a crossbow? Use a crossbow. Crossbow on... Sacred Flame.

Yola's still bound up. Oh, right. Sacred Flame is a saving throw on their part, so it's more likely to hit, because they have disadvantage right now. Oh, okay. Because they're webbed, they have disadvantage to attacks. Right. So, um... Sacred Flame obviously will do less damage, statistically

speaking, but it's more likely to hit. I'm going to get them to Sacred Flame another Wolf Spider. I think it's the last one. The Wolf Spider makes their saving throw. Bullshit. Yeah. And we'll try and wiggle free a bit. Alright, it's the Giant Spiders' turn. One of them...

Well, no, see, you attacked Big T. They think it's good. They do! They think it's all good. They're both going to attack you, Big T. If they walk past me, do I get an attack of op? Yeah, but they're not walking past you right now. Damn. Clever, though.

One misses, one hits You take Only Only four points of piercing damage And then you need to make a constitution saving Make that corn through You fail You take a further eight points of poison damage

So I take seven points altogether Actually, sorry, you would have only taken How many points of piercing did I give you? 4 2, because you're raging Okay, so 5 points of damage in total Then, that was the giant spiders It's the wolf spiders turn

It tries to break free It fails Big T, it's your turn Love is blind is standing next to a phase spider Get it off, get it off, get it off Does Thunderwave push them away? Sorry? Does Thunderwave push things away?

If they fail the saving throw Oh, okay So they've got a sucky and a push Well, what about love is blind acts before me and does a Thunderwave? Does that tempestuous magic where they can just fly away Is that every time they cast magic? Mm-hmm That rules

Yeah magic where they can just fly away. Is that every time they cast magic? That rules. The spider passes its saving throw. Wait, does it? Yeah, it passes its saving throw, but it still will take half damage. Three. But it's also not knocked back, but Love is Blind gets to move that ten feet without attacks of opportunity. Yep.

Love is Blind does the big air suck and goes away. The Faze Spider obviously tries to attack, but is buffeted by strong winds all around Love is Blind. Beautiful. And Big T, what would you like to do? I would like to slash at the Faze Spider with my halberd and then run away. All right. So you are currently, there are two giant spiders on either side of you.

You can get to the phase spider, but you will take two attacks of opportunity. I'd rather not do that, given my condition. And then if you run away from the phase spider, you will probably also take an attack of opportunity. I would simply like to kill what is before me. Finish what I started and all that. You miss, but now might be a decent time to do reckless rage. Because especially if you knock down one of these spiders, there's not that many enemies left. Okay, well then, yeah, I think I'd like to reckless rage.

You begin foaming and frothing at the mouth. I've never seen a beauty like this. It's very terrifying. You take down another one of the giant spiders. Yay. All right, so the battle that was lopsided one way is starting to look all right just start to get just sided it's something the phase spider closes the different disc oh wait no would you have liked love is blind to just run leg it out of there because

after that 10 feet of unprovoked movement he can also move and then tabaxi dash on top of that you know what you don't even get to control him on this one. He doesn't want to be here. He lives 60 feet away. You don't think? He just does. Aw, I want him to help me. He's not interested. Aw, I'd be nice to him.

Have I? The phase spider disappears. It's Chantel's turn. Coward. Chantel is going to attack one of the giant spiders. She misses. It is Global and Yegola's turn. I will take a take to try and attack one of the other giant spiders. I assume there's only giant spiders left?

Yeah, there's a wolf spider and a giant spider left. Yeah. I think I skipped a turn last turn. I forgot. One of them just was confused. That's fair. I guess. But yeah, there's a giant spider, wolf spider, and then the phase spider. Okay, well I'm going to then attack the wolf spider. That's the one I guess. But yeah, there's a giant spider, wolf spider, and then the phase spider. Okay. Well, I'm going to then attack the wolf spider. That's the one closest to me, right? Sure.

You got it too. You land on the wolf spider's back. Come on. But the wolf spider, this wolf spider has clearly been like, this guy's acting sus. You're acting sus. Shut up. And then like whips around and throws you off it with two of its legs. What would you like Yeola to do?

And Yeola will... I would like her to break free of her webbing. It doesn't work. Couldn't have used a sword or anything there? A dagger? Oh, would you like to... Sorry, I thought you were just saying burst your way through. She's not a very strong lady.

Yeah, there's a bit of a dagger there. She starts trying to cut at the webbing. She's doing a decent effort, but she hasn't freed herself. Yeah, that's right. And then it is the giant spider's turn. The giant spider gets advantage to hit you. Ah. It hits you.

Nah. Big T, you take six, but halved three points of piercing damage. Okay. Nothing. Constitution saving throw. You fail again. Bad name.

You take a further nine points of poison damage. The wolf spider, the other wolf spider attacks you, Globble, in your wolf spider form. It misses. Good. The wolf spider is obviously sus of you. Big T and Love, it's your turn. Okay.

Let's get a little halberdy. Am I still in my reckless rage? How long does that last? I think you get to pick if you're using it or not and it's the spider before me looking a bit worse for wear or like still needs a bit of work which one the giant spider or the wolf spider giant spider the giant spider looks like it it is it's untouched you can tell i would like to use my rage, my reckless rage, and then also use my good boy card of playing before I hit, but if I hit, I get a critical.

Critical hit. Yay! And that is you use a slashing weapon, sliced tendon, quadruple damage, and the target speed is reduced to zero feet until the end of their next turn. Oh, yeah. You deal. Stay down. 16 times 4 is 32, 64.

You deal 64 points of damage. You cut off all eight of the spider's legs. Brilliant. That's good. And the spider is dead? Okay. Very dear. Oh, that spider is dead.

Am I in attacking range of anyone I could run away from without provoking? This is the wolf spider. If I run away, will I provoke attack of opportunity? I will stay where I am. It will make no difference. All right. Then what would you like Love is Blind to do? I would like Love is Blind to zip in and attack the spider that's near me.

Help. With what? With what? Probably with crossbow. So not all the way in. Like, stay at a safe distance. He hits. Love is blind deals maximum damage.

Good job, love is blind. Good job, love is blind. They down the wolf spider. That's great. Oh, fuck you. Oh, yeah. No one's dying here today. Chantel calls out, it's running away.

The face spider? The face spider. It's cheating. She turns around and was she conscious for when you changed bodies? She probably can't tell. I just waggle. That's right. That's right.

Show me your hands Before you die If you're actually standing Well, you're fighting the other wolf spider So are you really just doing that? Because if you're doing that, the other wolf spider will get Basically a free hit on you The wolf spider? That one's died

It has two, alright, yes, okay Cool, you could just wave your arms I wave one hand. Chantel stops. She was about to, like, cave your fucking skull in. But she stops. The face spider, not the face spider, the wolf spider in your body keeps trying to struggle in the web. All right.

We're out of initiative, so you can act however you want. I shrug. It would appear that they have changed bodies. I nod. What? What? What? If you are my friend.

Chantel sits down. She needs a good long sit. Actually, no. Chantel and Yayola immediately sprint towards the many cocooned people. Chantel looks like she wants a rest. Yes. Fear. If you are my friend, what do I call you?

I draw a G in the dirt. Fuck, Globble, you're weak. Do I see this G? You see a G Possum It's Possum Actually you know what Get that spiral book out

I know this is an audio only medium But Zammett holding this pencil Like this Between your fingers I want you to draw what you're trying to draw To simulate I draw G He draws it alright nevermind I thought it would be harder than it was Between your fingers, I want you to draw what you're trying to draw, to simulate. I draw G. He draws it all right.

Never mind. I thought it would be harder than it was. Yeah, no, I broke my thumb when I was back in primary school, and that's how I had to write for several months. Ah. Did you ever give a thumbs up again? Oh, God is back. Did you survive?

yeah yeah yeah did you live? yeah yeah yeah yeah I write a G it's a possum he drew a possum alright look I'll be back

how do we make him swap? I shrug and then I put can I put up like one hand and can I just like spray more web at old me? sure yeah you spray yourself spray more web at old me? Sure, yeah. You spray yourself with more web.

It's good. You miss, which is very funny. Spray again. It takes a little while to work up the phlegm. What? This sucks. You got to like build. He's got to like build it up again.

He can't just immediately do it again. Did you call it phlegm? Yeah. I described it as phlegm. Yeah, spider phlegm. But it does come out of the mouth. Doesn't it? In this one it does. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know the rules. In the giant spiders it comes out of their bum

but in the wolf spiders it comes out of their mouth. Oh, like real wolf spiders. How do we make them swap back? Yayola, you know a lot about God. Why did he do this? All the NPCs are helping people. Maybe put one paw, a spider paw on Big T, and then just point to the spider sacks.

I don't know them. You can see Chantal, Yayola, and Love is Blind are clearly struggling because they're up in the webs. Anytime they get close, they get kind of stuck. Wait. Love is Blind calls out, could we get help from this spider? Maybe you could quickly do this. Yes, you know.

Yes, I pad over and start. Can I ride? He's not big enough. Oh. He's actually smaller than you. Oh. Yeah, I'll pad over and start taking out some of the... Backpack?

Backpack. Backpack? Backpack. As you're letting everyone down, you have... A few times, as you're grabbing one of the bundles to lower it down, you're like... An instinctual part of you is like, feed. Feed?

Does this mean I'm, what? I look over to my old person, my old body. Are they getting an instinct to swim? Strange. Anyway, we'll keep not indulging that for a moment. At one point, you get really close to, let's say, Big T. And as you're letting, you're handing Big T someone, and when Big T is taking the bundle and bringing it away from you, you feel it like leaving your grasp. And you're like, why?

Can I shrug as a spider? You shrug as a spider? You shrug as a spider It wasn't really nice I tried to write down Hungry? On the dirt He wants to do something with possums Sorry yeah the NPCs

Fan out. Yayola begins subduing your body While Love is blind And Chantal Begin fraying people And then Big T is helping you get people down. Okay. Well, this is a start. Can't communicate.

Yes. You start fraying people. People come out. They're shocked when they see you, but. It's okay. He's a possum. One of the clever NPCs fills them in. I wave.

From the wagon, you manage to save 11 people. That's good news. You save everyone you can. Maybe even a couple of the horses. Oh, that's good. They would be freaking out right now. Oh yeah, the horses are not happy.

Yes, so once that's done, I then type, I then write in the dirt, me? And look at love. Yayola. Yayola. Yayola has bundled you up, your body up in ropes and is sitting on top of you as they struggle. Go to dunk him.

You go to dunk him. Is it wet bit? Bit of wet? I'm pointing at big deep. A hole is dug and you are dunked into the hole. I can leave him there. I use my walk on water to just stand over and watch. Okay.

Yes. I have a think. Do I know if this is a permanent solution? Does anyone know how long this is going to be for? This is, you have no idea. You just don't know Alright I try to write it I do write it

Take me to a cleric You're able to deduce that you have swapped souls Essentially with the body This body is yours After like working it out Experimentally manipulating stuff You can if you want Cast spells If you want, cast spells.

Yeah. If you want, take back your character sheet, keep using your character sheet, but you are now a spider. How well will Gloppel adapt to a life of a spider? Find out next time on Stories of the Greyhill Free Company. Hey, are you a big D&Ders for Nerds Head, but you've finished the current campaign and you're ravenous for more?

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