D&D is For Nerds - Stories of The Greyhill Free Company I #27 Gaming the System Theory

Episode Date: November 6, 2021

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Ahem. You're listening to the Sandspants Network. Home of comedy, culture, adventures, and ghosts. Previously on Stories from the Greyhill Free Company. Why doesn't everyone do this?

It looks like a lot of people are doing this, but no one else is winning. I know. It seems like there's two of us. We've basically doubled our chances, right? How long can you be a bird for again? An hour. An hour? It does not feel like it's been an hour.

But you turn into a spider. I waggle. You look out the... Maybe you glance at the windows and you see that they're all blacked out. I guess, Globble, I'll get you to make... Well, Tree Stump, first off, I'll get you to make a strength check.

She can't read. That's right. We didn't establish that. Well, you'll have to use pictogram. Someone else can read it to me. I'm doing a lot of pointing, a lot of gesturing. Do you need some assistance? The wizard you saw before is standing behind you.

Oh, do we have to pay for them? Three gold disappears from your purse, Globble. You will notice that the next time you check. Ah, it's great that I'm never checking. The spider, Globble, does not understand. Does not understand that it needs to be submerged. So when you start pushing him under, he thinks you're trying to drown him. It was called the Sword Sage Amulet of the Fortune Diller.

Ah, I believe that is one of the prizes. That was my father's name. Just call me Isaac. Would you say that the apple didn't fall far from the tree? What's an apple? I put my spider paw in some ink and I start drawing our good friends on the wall. Fuck it, I'm too mad now. A cat man.

Oh, a cat man, what? Are these people that you're looking for? Oh, your friends. I write friends on the wall. I don't know what he's saying, but they're our friends. He's written friends. Oh, that's... Okay.

But that one in the middle looks like he's all alone. Are these people that we should seek out? Oh, they're good people. Would you like to find them before we go for the item? I tap once. Oh, that would be good. They wouldn't help. Also, didn't I have to get my guy back in the other guy?

You might need to speak to a doctor about that. No, him and this. I nod as I start spraying web across the top layer of the bath so that my body can't escape. I'll allow it, but you don't know how much of a deterrent that's going to be. Is there a very heavy... Actually, the floor here would be pretty... So the bathtub is actually just like a recessed pit on the floor.

So it's... Yeah, the bathtub is in the floor. Oh, put the bed over it. The floor being quite wet. So your web, while it still does stick, you can tell it's not as strong as it could be. It's all right. I picked the bed up and I slid the thunder up. You what?

You slab it what? I slide the bed over so that it is over the Okay, that would probably provide A bit more deterrent But once again, it's still not a perfect system How can we make sure he won't escape? You don't know Do you know any spells Mr. Isaac Newton sir? Yes, I am a caster of magical mysteries.

Could you please keep my friend's body in here while he's stuck in this spider? He takes out a book and starts flipping through it. I could... I have nothing that can keep him here indefinitely, but... Oh, we'll come back. I could ward the area around the door, such that if it were to escape i would be alerted i start drawing i write in what if i stay here you to find our friends get the amulet by winning the kid prizes i'll guard me um so isaac newton looks at Stomp and you can see Cleobory on his face.

Why, what'd they say? I would appreciate having both of you by my side. I just roll my many eyes and say, fine, fine, fine. I try and web the bed to the walls that aren't wet. Basically try and make it as more secure as we can. Sure. Yeah. You do what you think is a decent job.

I say do the ward as well. Sorry? Do your spell. Do your spell. Oh, yes, of course. It sounds like a good spell. I wish I knew spells. Shivel me timbers.

Shivel me me. If anyone comes through here, alert me! And the spell concludes. Very well, let us go find your friends! Have we had a short rest while we've been in this hotel room?

Sure, I will have it. I was about to be like, it sounded stressful, but no, there wasn't all that time we had a snack. This would be in addition to what you've already done, though, because setting up that little area to prevent the spider global from moving was probably not very restful. So I'd say you can now have eight hours rest, but that is like spending an extra hour here.

I do know I would like to be able to speak again, but okay, let's go. No, we can have a rest. I don't know how to tell. Let's go. You have the pen and the ink. I do have the pen and the ink, but okay, let's go. No, we can have a rest. I don't know how to tell. Let's go. You have the pen and the ink. I do have the pen and the ink, but look, let's just go. Okay. Alright, you leave. Oh, pen? I assume you've just been dipping your paw

into the fucking... I have been. You are definitely low on ink by this point. Yeah, I figured. Just a little dot every eight paces. Alright, so you head back out back out you see once again people walking around like they're shaking off a hangover you see another monk walking past the like chunk chunk chunk chunk chunk you realize by this point as well it's not coins that you're hearing it doesn't sound like it doesn't sound like coins it sounds like something else is rattling around can i have

like a bit more of a squiz at it, at spider height? A squiz at what? Oh, it's in their pocket, whatever it is. It's like thingy, and then... I'm sus. Okay. How is it? Is there no, like, bulge or anything like that?

No, their robes are quite large and billowy, so they could be hiding a lot. I want to tap. Also, they all have that medallion that's kind of like a toad's head. I'll tap Big T or maybe Isaac and kind of point to the monks. Yes, those are the monks of the frog. I'll jangle my purse to make the sound of things going. Oh, the noise

I assume that's the dice they all keep on them it's a part of their religion they keep dice in one pocket and a deck of cards in the other no further questions I believe their divine focus is one or the other you go downstairs

and you start searching for your good friends luckily you have sir Isaac Newton with you And so every time And it happens often That you get distracted by something He just like gathers your attention back Oh thank you Eventually you find Chantel, Love is Blind and Yeola

And you're reunited again Let me just quickly adjust their money amounts You look at Smith They weren't strong like us. Did anyone win? Some of them. Oh, Lover's Blind probably didn't win much. Yeola probably could, might have been able to get away with much, a little bit more.

All right. Yeola didn't lose money. That's it. That's impressive. Chantel. Chantel is down to, oh, damn, one gold. Chantel is down to one gold. Chantel! Come on.

And Love is Blind. Holy smokes! Love is Blind is up five. Yay! Good love. When you find Chantel and you find out that she has one gold coin left, Sir Isaac Newton says, Be wary! Should you run out that she has one gold coin left. So Isaac Newton says, Be wary!

Should you run out of money, you are no longer welcome in this establishment. They will eject you. Can you just keep helping us, please? You're very good at it. Well, everything looks good and fun and I want to do it a lot. That's fair.

I will, I will. You have to stop me, otherwise I'll do it. I nod. In one of the wings, otherwise I'll do it. I nod. In one of the wings, you walk in and you see families and lots of kids running around. The games that you can play have rapidly changed scope. Rather than games of dice and cards and stuff like that, you see the sort of stuff that you might encounter at a fair. You see, not really animatronic probably

just made with like wind up gears and stuff like that but those like turning clown heads that you put the balls in you see some other games that look like they could be games of skill but you also highly doubt at the same time they're truly games of skill uh you see games where like you you know you got to throw a cup and get a throw a bowl and get it into a cup knock down pins that sort of stuff and you can see that the kids here they're still playing with money but rather than winning money they are being given little tokens when they win okay oh this is completely different than it's good i think it's good and healthy for the children It's good to learn at the young Dean is for nerds with a message

Christ What's come to the world? What's come? What is come? Me? Hello and welcome to Sunspots Radio's new show What is come? Baby, don't hurt me, don't hurt me no more

You come today? Yeah I think I'm good What has come? Baby, don't hurt me. Don't hurt me no more. You come today? Yeah. Yeah? I think I'm good. Thank you. This has been What's Come Today? Anyway. I'll pad it over to the prizes.

You can see, yeah, there's like big, there's a counter where one of the monks is working, and behind like a case you can see smaller prizes, and then behind the monk on like a shelf behind them, there are larger prizes. One of the prizes you see quite prominently displayed on like a little felt cushion is the Sword Sage Amulet of the Fortune Tower. There's a sign that says what it is and beneath it, it says it requires 42,000 tickets. Right, 42,000. And then a quick scan of like what's paying out what. Yeah, what does it look like people are getting?

All right, a quick scan, tree stump. You're like, oh, and then enough of that. But I have to do some. Global, you managed to keep your mind about you. You have a scan around, and you don't see a single game That would pay out more than 10 tickets a time Okay, okay, okay Right

Excuse me, Mr. Sir Isaac Newton Yes You are a wizard, a planeswalker, planeswalker I'm sorry, but do you Know magic tricks, yes? I am, I would not describe. He builds himself up to full height. His robes begin to billow up behind him.

Do not take me for a conjurer and a simple man of party tricks. I am a planeswalker. I'm sorry. You can't see because the windows are blacked out, but you hear from outside. I'm sorry. Is everyone distracted? There's a brief moment where a bunch of people are like,

what the fuck was that? Okay. What's the... It is quite clearly designed that you would need to lean across the thing, very obviously, to grab it if you wanted to. What is the monk doing? The monk looks around and you see, if you were really quick, there would be an opportunity. Okay.

What's the security like currently? Where are we in relation to it? There appears to be, there's a bunch of monks operating some of the, like the, not the machines, sorry, some of the games. There is the monk standing right in front of you, but that is the closest and most obvious one. Anyone in this room could spot you doing that, but whether or not they will is another thing.

Well, I'm a big spider. Can I just, um. So with your paw? Yeah. Yeah, all right. Just grab it. Let's make a... What's it called in this system?

Sleight of hand. Sleight of paw. Sleight of paw. You gently lift the amulet, tuck it into... Well, you don't have pockets, but you bring it into your... You put it into your mouth.

I don't know what a spider's mouth is like, but I'm going to assume that your mouth is very full right now. The monk behind the counter doesn't notice. Yes. But. Uh-huh. One of the monks. Is this

a skill check, Adam? Yeah. Can I just cash mine in for a seat in a skill check? One of the monks across the room calls out, Good day, we're having today. You have the sword sage amulet. I'll pad on over to our good friends. You know what? On second thoughts, let's leave.

So Isaac Newton looks around. Oh, all right then. Are you finishing your little quest? I think so. Tie tap once. Yeah, I think it's done. Well, he like doths his cap to you, his hat. Sorry, not cap.

Well, very good then. Good luck to you. may your feet never touch this accursed place again thank you could you help us oh no had no you said you do you know how to put a spider back into his body i could try to yeah yeah i i looked up once for yes yeah Yeah. Yeah. I look to one global. Very well, then. He reaches into his robes and pulls out a business card. He hands it to you. When you return to the nearest major settlement, simply read aloud the words on this card,

and I will find you there. At a major settlement, perhaps I could procure the things I need for what needs to be done. This is not a free service. How much are we talking? I have yet to fully price it out. This is the first time I'm doing something

like this. I know only the theory. Well, in that case, surely we don't pay the full cost because you had, you know, still a apprentice. You pay at least what it costs. Oh, no, of course. I would never try and, you know, show change. We can discuss payment later.

Yeah, I just, because if I have to stay here and earn a bit more, I'll stay a bit. Also on that note, can you escort us out so I don't do that? Very well. I point up to our rooms. Yeah, can you take us to our room, please? All right, then. And then don't, can you take us to our room, please? All right, then. And then don't, can you also hide the box full of food? What?

Hide the food box, please. Oh, I cannot commit a crime within these walls. If I do so, I incur the wrath of the frog god. Sorry, it's a crime to hide the food box from us? Oh, I see what you're saying. To hide the food box from you. I thought I see what you're saying. To hide the food box from you. I thought you meant from them. I tap once for yes.

They can find it. We just don't want to... Very well, I could... Actually, I think tampering is against the terms and services of this place. I don't think I can. Well, I don't want you to do anything you're not comfortable with.

But yeah, please... Perhaps it would be faster and cheaper to simply help you out of here. Yeah, thank you. I tap once for yes and gesture to where my body currently is. And now, a word from our sponsors. You see, looking up from the ground,

blood-red clouds boiling across the sky. You did ask me to bring the thunder. Dejan! Dejan! Help! I've got the chalice, please! Well, if they're following you, then I guess that takes care of a loose end for me. All of you feel the earth beneath you shake and crack and break. I feel that I have failed both of you. And I am sorry for that. This has nothing to do with you being a bad leader.

Do you want a countdown? Oh, I think I want a countdown. I wanted to help. I always had good intentions. I do not deserve to die. Now. The Lucky Die podcast is a weekly 5e Dungeons and Dragons actual play podcast. Join our adventure every Monday wherever you download podcasts by searching for The Lucky Die.

You go, you collect Spider Globble, and then you leave. Sir Isaac Newton opens the door. The entire way, he's been like, every now and then. Back with it. He opens the front door and you see it's nighttime outside. I wish you nothing but the best. I tap once for yes and go in for a hug. He hugs you.

I'll see you later. All right. He closes the door and you walk away. Now that you're kind of listening for it, you can dimly hear the sounds of the gambling going on inside. You walk through like the – there's like a garden area outside this building. Kind of nice. And there's a little pool in the garden area in the center. You start walking towards that to get to the main road to get out.

As you do that, the water begins to shift slightly. And then slowly... I also want it said that... Tree Stump, you didn't notice Globble taking this? You're just like, yeah, I guess we'll leave. I just want to point that out. Oh, I assumed I did. That's so funny.

Globble could have maybe mentioned it or showed it to you or something like that but you made that plan before you knew anyway i just think it's funny as you approach in the garden there's like a little circular pool as you approach that pool you see that it begins to to shift the surface of the water moves and undulates and then slowly a large head begins to emerge from it you recognize the head oh uh i'll just keep walking i'll just keep padding padding away as a gentle spider smooth thoughts before you are able to walk past the pool the head is completely emerged you recognize it it is the toad-like head that all of the monks have been wearing as a medallion.

Oh no. Thieves. I slow down but not to a complete stop. Pardon? I don't stop walking out. It begins to feel like you're moving through molasses. There's no saving throw for this. You just kind of stop.

Oh no. Thieves. Pardon thieves you think to steal from the god of frog gambling i love this god nothing can be hidden from the god of gambling in his church. And then with a giant paw, the frog gestures towards the casino behind you. Oh no, that's his house. That makes sense. That's his place of worship. Did you make up the games in there?

They're fun. Yes, they are all my games. They are all called Frogger Frogger 1 and Frogger 2 You don't think that's true You've definitely played Blackjack You know the name Blackjack That seems right

If I were you, I'd be very proud I hope you're proud of yourself I am all seeing and all knowing in this place. And you, with the giant paw he points at Spider Global, have trained your spider to steal. The other paw lifts off the ground as well, turns upside down, and you feel the amulet in your mouth begin to move with the paw. I don't.

You start rising, your head. You can feel the sword sage amulet is, like, pulling up. Do you resist? All right, you are slowly being lifted into the air by the sword sage amulet. Let my friend go. Hold on, but you're now becoming a bit high. The frog-like god creature shakes a little bit. It falls out of your mouth.

You hit the ground. Oh, that was in your mouth? For once, Tristam and casket both genuinely claim ignorance oh no you're tired he's only There can be only one punishment for theft. The frog god turns its face towards spider globble, who looks at each of you with just nonplussed confusion. All this creature understands is that it can't move right now. The frog's mouth opens wide. Oh, no.

Right now, the frog's mouth opens wide. Oh, no. And you see its tongue slowly quivering. The tongue, with lightning speed, blasts out, slams into Spider Globble, and then drags him into the frog god's mouth. He is swallowed my mouth is uh uh as a spider just a bit of gape but just as an aside i love that this spider's last day of like life has been to learn about gambling and then get ate by a frog assuming in a way that it usually eats other creatures. Yeah, and also, like, this spider, it's like, okay, frogs, like, animals that are bigger than me can't eat me.

It sees a big frog and it's like, oh, no, this is bad for me. And then immediately correct. The rest of you are culpable in their crimes. This unintelligent spider may leave. It cannot speak and so I know it is stupid. Just like, look at you go. I pad closer to Big T. My good friend.

No, he knows how to love. I condemned, condemned to work for a while in my casino until I deem your debts paid. How about, I don't think that's very fair, none of us have trained spiders to steal from you, and of course the very unintelligent spider, he cannot be blamed. How about... So don't leave him by himself. He needs a carer. How about we play a gamble and if we win, you have to let us go,

but also let the spider speak so that they may live a good life. Without his master, I don't know how to talk to him. Lover's Blind kind of half-corkies you from behind, Tristan. Leans in and they whisper, and the amulet. And the amulet as well, if we can keep it. Just because I know how much it means to the spider. And what do you have to give in return? Working at the casino and not giving a bad review.

You will already work in the casino until your debt is paid. Well, what about... You have a very good Trained pet spider Two taps And we work After the debt is paid to us Or forever

Tristan you hear a lot of two tapping behind you From Chantelle from Love is Blind And from Yaiola They are not consenting to this Oh a round of applause for me. What a good choice I made. And them too, they also were. They were also already included in that.

Oh, okay. Well, just to be sure. You wish to challenge the god of gambling? At the gamble, yes. That's him laughing. Oh, no. Very well. We will play liar's dice.

Do you remember the rules of liar's dice, Cass? Cass does, but Therese don't mind me there. Just a quick refresher. A little refresher for a big little fella. You take five dice. You roll them. Keep that secret. Don't tell anyone. I won't.

Then you are making bets based on how many dice you think are on the table from both you and your opponent. Yeah? Yeah. Now, you bet what number is on the dice and how many of those dice are showing it, basically. And you can bet up in either amount. Or, sorry, when one person makes a bet and it goes to you, you can challenge saying, I don't think there is that many dice. Or you can make your own bid. If you make your own bid, you need to up the number on the dice or the amount of dice okay when you get to six

You obviously you can't go any higher than six so you need to bet a higher amount of dice Rather than a higher number on the dice, but you can bet any Well, this is actually true for anything so long as you're raising the number of those dice, you can kind of pick whatever number on the dice you want. Okay, cool. So just, there has to be a number going up. Cool. That makes sense.

So you can do like, I can do, say, four sixes, and then the next person has to do like, well, five fours. Four sixes, five fours. Yep, that makes sense. And you can go above six somethings, right? You can go like eight. Yeah, if you think there are eight somethings on the board, absolutely. Ten two.

Okay, okay, okay. All right, so. She's trying to kill us. I think that if I work in the casino, I get the camera the whole day. I don't know what the job is. The frog god is going to roll 10 dice instead of 5, and then I get to pick, representing the fact that

you are playing against the god of chance. One of. And you pick at the start? I pick when I want to pick. Okay. And is it just Cass? What am I doing? Can I roll for the group? You know what?

I'll allow you to roll dice, but obviously you two cannot communicate. Of course. In any way. But Cass, you don't know how many dice he has. You're not making any bets. Cass is the only one making bets. We're just counting your dice. Sounds great.

What do you know? They taught the spiders some dice. He's like rolling things. You represent, we'll say you represent NPCs right now. I'm the wild card. Beauty before age. I will go first. I bet three twos.

Oh, first one to three wins, by the way. You think there are three twos in all of these rolls? I call. You call? I have four twos. Oh, no. I have zero twos. I have zero twos.

I like how you looked at your dice, so no twos, and you're like, impossible. I forgot. I forgot that it's a minimum and it's not the exact amount. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My, oh, sorry. My point. Your turn, tall one. Three sixes.

Four sixes. Five sixes. Four sixes. Five sixes. Six sixes. A call. Two sixes. Two sixes. A one six. One point to you.

Yeah! I mean, yay! Four fives. Five fives Call Two fives No fives One five One to me

Oh no Your turn Three fours. Three fives. Four fours. Four fives. Call. Fuck.

No fives. One five. No fives. Fuck. Two all. Fuck, it's two all old isn't it five ones six ones six sixes a call oh fuck that was a good call because i am definitely like half bluffing two sixes two sixes one six oh my god

Half bluffing. Two sixes. Two sixes. One six. Oh my god! The frog begins swelling and swelling and swelling. And then in a giant explosion, it throws dirt and water and leaves and other miscellaneous garden shit in all directions. The explosion dies down. And Globble, you feel your vocal cords appear.

Oh, my God. Are you okay? I did hurt. Oh. We really won. Yeah. Well. Oh, thank God.

I didn't want to. I just realised that you can't. If you work at the casino, you don't get to play. I thought it was going to be a win-win. I can't, I guess I'm not getting that body back, huh? Oh. But yeah, I pretty much tripled your legs.

Some would say more than tripled. Chantal, like, doubles over laughing. That is the funniest thing she's ever heard. Well, um, look, my bad. I honestly thought I would get away with that. But anyway, we have.

I didn't even see you take it. I think in a way we got away with a lot more than we frankly should have. Did the god die? I think so. I don't think that was the god dying. I think that was it losing. It's just maybe a sore loser. Let's get away from the pool. Yes, I think it would be a good idea if we left yes i remember i had one can you tell i was that

deep baritone fucking frog voice my throat is killing me love is blind is so hard to do now yes yes because once again i am simply the unintelligent spider that had no no way of knowing anything let's go let. Let's go. Let's go. All right. Does it feel dry now? Yes. Yes. It feels very dry.

I'm not as wet as I need to be, which is an advantage. But I'm not as beautiful as I once was. You're very beautiful. But you've got eight beautiful eyes now. Yes, true. And you've got between six and eight beautiful legs. Yes, true. A quick question. Do spiders live long?

That's a great question. Another question to be answered another day. Will that question ever be answered? Find out next time on Stories of the Greyhill Free Company. want to support the show and also look fucking great why not head to sanspantsradio.com slash shop and grab yourself a sans pants tee we have heaps of designs covering all of your favorite shows as well as monthly limited runs of unique one-offs based on your favorite in jokes or references and that kind of thing so head to sanspantsradio.com slash shop and grab a tee today hey there fellow adventurer if you're picking up what we're putting down and want more dnd slash shop and grab a tea today. to Sants Pants Plus members, the further adventures of the Greyhill Free Company if you want shorter campaigns with beautiful guests, and D&D is for Nerds, not Ognot,

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