D&D is For Nerds - Stories of The Greyhill Free Company II #10 Salmon Drop

Episode Date: January 15, 2022

Sign up to our newsletter here. Join our facebook group here or join our Discord here.You can now physically send us stuff to PO BOX 7127, Reservoir East, Victoria, 3073.Want to help support the show?Sanspants+ | Shop | TeesWant to get in contact with us?Email | Twitter | Website | Facebook | RedditOr individually at;Adam | Cass | Tom | Jackson | ZammitTheme music by the wonderfully talented Lepidora. You can check out her work here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Oh, rat apples! I've run out of content from my favourite fuckos, Sants Pants Radio. If only they had digital downloads I could acquire and listen to, with many of them having a choose price option so I could swindle them by choosing zero dollars. Oh shit, they do? I just gotta head to santspantsradio.com slash shop, click on downloads, and peruse all the garbage they have on offer and then give them nothing? Well, dreams can come true.

Thanks, SantsPantsRadio.com slash shop for letting me take advantage of you and not setting a minimum spend. You dumb fucks. You're listening to the SantsPants Network. Home of comedy, culture, adventures and ghosts. Previously on Stories from the Greyhill Free Company. Saren will cast dissonant whispers

and hopefully hurt this iron golem's feelings. I don't even need to roll for that one. It's actually immune to that. Okay, that checks out. I feel like that's on me. While it makes sense for the story, this is not a fair encounter. Yes.

Okay, thank you. A noxious gas billows out of its mouth. Well, fuck off. 15. All right. The noxious gas rolls towards you. The jump is sizable enough that it would be difficult to jump across, but it is also an obstacle that you could potentially put in your way

between you and the iron golem. There's a big river. It looks deep. It looks thick. And you can see at one end there is a fucking waterfall. Tree Stump, you found this and you're leading the way so I'll get you to make the acrobatics checks first. All right, you step on the first step and you slip and fall in.

I'm not going to stop anyone saving me. The only option we have here is to add the water in its face. Let's see if that would have worked. You splash some water into the Iron Golem's face. It moves through the water and then...

Alright, so one is Tree Stump, two is Globble, three is Chantel, four is Globble, three is Chantel, four is Saren, five is Yeola. Six, I'll reroll. Six, I'll reroll. Six is a miss. Six is a miss.

No, because it actually can't miss. Come on now. Six could be a fuck-up. Bonus is some of your ACs. It's got to be a fuck-up, right? This is bullshit. There is no miss. Six should be a fuck up. That's all I'm saying.

Anyone can fuck up. It doesn't matter how powerful you are. Anyone can fuck up. No matter how good you are, there's always a room for fuck up. Yeah. And you rolled it. All of the spaceships look like penises. It reaches you.

Saren turns around and her scream is muffled. When it grabs Saren's face, lifts her up, and the tree that you dragged yourself out by, Tree Stump, it slams her into that once and then slams her into that twice. It's holding her aloft. Her arms and legs are kicking.

You hear muffled screams. Saren takes a lot of damage. Ew. Saren takes a lot of damage. Oh. Can Chantal do her thing where she intercepts that? What? She eats some of the yummy, yummy damage?

Yeah. Okay. She can just reduce some damage if they're close, which is nice of her. That's very kind of her. Sure. What ability is that? It's just a fighting style of interception. As a reaction, can reduce some damage. Looks like she can do that.

Right. So she reduces the damage by four. Hey, that's something. It's not nothing. Saren takes 31 points of damage. Jesus. Yaelas screams, into the water, off the waterfall. She dives in.

Chantel dives in. Chantel grabs Saren. The iron golem is letting go of Saren, quite clearly moving on to an, like, Saren has kind of gone a little limp and the iron golem is probably looking to move on to its next target so chantelle manages to grab saren and drag her into the water what do the two of you do um drink yeah i would also be um trying to forward myself into the water all right you all maybe try to to tell tree stump to like buy us a little bit of time come on here we did this for you tree stump be a good sport all of you jump into the water unless you want to cast the spell you can really only uh because of the pell-mell nature of this

you could really only save yourself with this spell actually to be honest because you would be drifting away from anyone else you cast it on you could really only save yourself with this spell actually to be honest because you would be drifting away from anyone else you cast it on you could really only save yourself with shape water would you like to do that um well how is everyone else going everyone else is kind of like bobbing up and down sometimes they get breaths of air sometimes they don't it is no one except someone who has the spell like you do is going to be able to stop themselves from going over okay you could potentially get to the other side with your shape water spell but no one else is going to be able to okay all right i guess i'll i'll try and get what's in the iron golem is the iron golem is following it's following along the water line and it is running nearly as fast as what the water is taking you okay okay okay um i'll i will use the uh shape order to try and i can't save anyone else i'll try and and and get get it to like move the direction to push me

across to help to push you across where sorry uh to the other side to the other side all right you begin can i can okay yeah no everyone's moving too fast i can't like reverse the shape of water so it's like they don't fall off the edge everyone's well uh tree stump is probably the only person you could at least try to save everyone else is kind of already far ahead of you and even then that's not a guarantee yeah okay stump's also quite big so it's not easy to do i don't think that tree would have helped me yeah look I'll try to get to the other side you begin dragging at it looks like to any observer you might be

dragging water but you are aware that you are creating a net in the weave of magic and using that to force the water in the opposite direction you manage to do that and you slowly drift from one end of the river to the other everyone else falls off the edge one Manage to do that, and you slowly drift from one end of the river to the other.

Everyone else falls off the edge, one by one. Fuck. Globble, you hear each of them as their voices go off the edge. First, Yayola screaming the entire way down. Then Chantel and silently Saren held in her arms. Finally, Tree Stump, what do you say as you go off the edge i'll see you later the iron golem gets to kind of like the corner where the waterfall meets the clip where the water meets the cliff face and the waterfall begins it gets to that corner turns around and

you see it eyes it eyes between your friends going over and then at you, Globble. Your friends going over, then at you. Then slowly, like out of a fucking nightmare, it begins to walk into the water. Okay. Well, um, hmm. Sounds like send it down the waterfall to my good friends. Maybe send it down the waterfall, though.

Completely waterlog it. Waterlog it off. Log off time. How's it going with the water? It doesn't look like it's struggling at all. Can I freeze the water around it? No, you can't freeze the water while something's in the water. Okay.

You get to the other side, Globble. Yes. Okay. And the golem is not struggling the golem does not look like it's struggling at all no eventually at a certain point global you see as it disappears underneath the water and you know you have maybe moments of broken eye contact with it you could try to wait here and see if you could do something when it comes up the other side, or you can use this opportunity to run and hide. Yeah, look, I was trying to, if anything,

to push him further off the cliff, but if the current speed of the water isn't doing much, I can only move it up a little bit. Yes. Is Zemir? Zemir is gone. Is Zemir anywhere? I don't care.

Well, okay. I will jump in the water and turn into a salmon. That's clever. All right. Using this moment of broken eye contact. Yeah, that is quite clever. You turn into a salmon. And I don't think there's any specific rules for this, but I will allow it.

You get to the bottom of the waterfall safely. Once you get to the bottom, you begin looking for your friends who have already long since tumbled. It was not quick getting to the other side. Long since tumbled. It was not quick getting to the other side. So your friends have long since tumbled off the waterfall and either been broken at the bottom and then swept away or barely survived the fall and then been swept away. So, you know, you have a long night ahead of you searching for your friends. While you were doing that distantly, the iron golem begins to emerge at the other side of the river. Instantly, the iron golem begins to emerge at the other side of the river.

Glovel, as the only one who both willingly went off the waterfall and also probably didn't hit the ground very hard, well, you don't need to wake up from an unconscious state. You are already awake. You land into the bottom. You reach the bottom of the waterfall, and you cannot immediately see you see just churning water yep and not much else there's some like basic plant life being buffeted back and forth by the water what would you like to do well i i'd like to like i guess

maintain us as a salmon for a little bit while I scan the water, as it were. Something I'm also realising as well is I don't think you were allowed to turn into a salmon. So I want everyone to know that I'm being very kind in this. Not only am I allowing something that probably doesn't have a set of rules, salmon going down a waterfall, but also I don't think you can turn into a salmon yet. Why not?

I don't understand druids. Can't fucking turn into a bird. Can't fucking be a fish. I've seen fish. You can't turn into, oh no, you can turn into something with a swimming speed. Sorry, that just happened this level. Yes.

Oh. All right. And I'm sure a salmon, sorry, I speak a lie. Yep, you probably could have turned into a salmon. That's good. Never mind, continue. But I can't turn into a flying bird yet.

No, you can't turn it into the flying. That's deeper magic. Yeah mind. Continue. But I can't turn into a flying bird yet. No, you can't turn into the flying. That's deeper magic. Yeah, that's confusing. I can probably turn. Is it a thing? I can turn into the bird, but flying? Haven't quite figured it out. You can't turn into a bird and not fly.

That's like the air like, hmm, I know I can use these wings. I don't back down. I've let you turn into a lot of fucking things yes you shouldn't be allowed to turn into let's continue yeah well um quick scan of um to see if anyone is like say has sunk uh on like the bottom as um i would assume few of them were wearing some armor so i just want to see if anything has anyone has sunk, like, near the bottom. And if I can't see that, then I will get to the top and turn back into a man, realise I'm a man, and be like, yeah, yeah.

Only a man. Yes. Heyselos. Heys. Heys. All right. You see unconscious and nearly half or nearly half submerged chantelle is at the bottom almost the perfect bottom of the waterfall several of the rocks must have shifted

when she struck them you can see that she is bleeding like blood is mixing with the water and coming off at a rapid rate, an alarming rate. She is also quite clearly wedged in among some rocks. Right. And she's breathing, though. I'll inspect. Well, as a fish, you cannot make a medicine check. You can't really check for a pulse.

Just put my fish lips up to the neck. Well, I'll turn back into, yes, a mere man. And I will try to medicine check. Here. Underwater, a medicine check is difficult. But you are able to deduce that she is still alive, but unconscious. And definitely probably drowned. I was going to say, are we like underwater?

Or is she like... Oh, right, right, right. I'll just drag say, are we like underwater or is she like? Oh, right, right, right. I'll just drag her out and then I'll go check if I can drag her out first. Well, you make an attempt. Fuck, fuck, fuck. You're not necessarily weak, Globble, but unfortunately Chantel is wearing heavy plate mail armor. Yes, yes, yes. Even as a human, you grab and you try to heave as hard

as you can. You cannot make her budge. Okay. Can I instead, I guess I've used up all my spells. Can I shape water as a cantrip and try to help and push her out towards say a shore so she doesn't drown

you attempt to shift her making the water you you move water to try and put it under her and then push her up and she like she comes up to almost a standing position completely unconscious but one of her both of her legs are still trapped beneath a rock when that happens as well you see that one of her legs twists and breaks at a very bad angle adam oh as opposed to a good angle uh ken is it possible to unclasp the- the- the armor in a- in a very quicker way so they can't get it out, basically? Basically I'm- To quickly take her armor off would take you several minutes.

Yeah, I'm trying to go for speed here, um. It takes a long time to get rid of, uh, plate armor. Yeah, so anything I can do to kind of like, I guess, make the weight less. So even if it is just like unclasping and moving things, basically just trying to work as quickly as I can. Or can I turn into... You can try to take some of it off, sure, if you wanted to. Can I turn into anything that is, say, strong and dexterous enough to pick her up and move her to the shore. Like, say, I don't know, a lowland gorilla.

Unfortunately, turning into a gorilla is literally the only animal where I say that you also mentally become the animal, so you'll probably just panic. All other animals you get to retain being global. But the gorilla, you know, I get it, because gorillas have a certain brain, I understand. Yeah, specifically, yeah. The gorillas have what's called the uber brain

that overrides any other type of brain. Oh, yeah, I know. You don't have to tell me that. Like in real life, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you become a gorilla, all you know is bang chest, be big. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But is there any kind of, yes, creature or beast that I can become

that will make this relatively easy? i'm just googling it now uh so i guess you could become a black bear you could become a crocodile uh the strongest creature i think you can become and this is very funny, is a giant goat. Yeah, right. I know I can also, I'm within quick D&D myself, I can also become an ape. Alright. Let me check

ape, because that might not necessarily be ideal. Oh, no, ape is pretty strong. Ape strong, yeah. Ape strong, together. You could become an ape, no. Ape is pretty strong. Ape's strong. Yeah. Ape's strong. Together. You could become an ape, sure. Okay.

Yes. Well, realizing I can't budge anything, I'll become an ape. And transform into an ape. Really try and help Chantel out here. Okay. I'm going to give you options here. Okay. So, option one.

You remove Chantal with this roll and she comes away missing that leg that you broke. That's not cool. Option B. Not that. Okay. Okay. Option B is sounding nicer. Mm-hmm. Option B keeps her stuck.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Alright. Well, option B then. Is it under rocks or is it wedged? She wedged in. Both of her legs are wedged underneath rocks. Okay, well, using my newfound ape strength, if I can remove some of those rocks, we'll shift them out the way and then get her out?

You try. It's very difficult. Moving underwater as not a fish or a fish man is a lot harder than you're used to. So you're fighting, in addition to just fighting the extra inertia that being underwater gives an object, you are also, in addition,

you are at the bottom of a waterfall and you have a lot of water pushing down on you. Yes, that's great to have. You try to shift some of the rocks, but it's like two or three big boulders. They will not move. Okay. Can I try and shift her again and try to do it without removing a leg?

Okay. Ambitious. Yes. I just don't know how to, you know, treat that right now. You try pulling and you immediately stop when you realize that if you pull, you definitely have beyond dislocated it. You are scared to check how bad it is right now.

Okay. Can I rip off her armor? Like, just as ape strength? Just tear straps? Just really ape out, you know. The armor is just really locked into place. Adam. It's good that her armor protects her from apes.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking hell. She's fading. This is maybe your last chance. All right, let's get her out. And now a word from our sponsor.

Has this ever happened to you? You look down and, oh, no, my titties are out, Have a tea today. Maybe you want the world to know that the vibe check is good. Or may I suggest the Saucy Boys tea, the perfect tea to mop up any sauce-based liquid to save you the embarrassment of dripping sauce on your uncovered chest. Once again, that's sandspantsradio.com slash shop. She comes out. Most of her comes out. Most of her comes out.

Okay. You take her to the shoreline, I assume. Drag her up onto the water. Yep. You'll probably want to be a man again for medical treatment. Yeah, yeah. Medical treatment. As much as I can.

Okay. Okay. So, you look at what is left of one of her legs. It is gushing blood. There's not a lot that you can do about that. You don't have anything to make a tourniquet, and you certainly don't know any other way to staunch this bleeding yeah okay can i uh start like i don't i do know basic you know basic first aid uh of of of of grabbing you know a bit of my i guess uh armor tunic whatever i'm wearing

ripping it off and just tying it around um her leg a tourniquet yeah yeah yeah yeah so i can do that surely you well you try but uh you you can't get it tight enough you you need something like to so a tourniquet will typically need like a um i forget what it's called but basically like a stick or something like that to turn around to make it extra tight and you have nothing on you that would make an adequate tourniquet, and this place is pretty barren of trees. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Can I use a sword? You think you would cut through whatever fabric you had? The handle. What if Zamet holds the blade? Can I look around? I would allow that, but you would start taking damage. Yeah. look around.

Is there anyone else around? I'm so sorry, Zammett. You look around. You think everyone else has either been washed downstream or more scarily is maybe underwater. Right. Well, I have to keep her stable. That's the one thing i need to do

right now so i will i will try to keep her stable again if there's anything i can in my inventory or her inventory uh at all um that i can use even if it means you know grabbing like her crossbow perhaps or a crossbow bolt even even. Or even a shield at this point. You search through her pack. She's lost a lot of her equipment, but she does have several pittance that you would be able to use to fashion a tourniquet. Perfect, perfect, perfect, perfect, perfect.

I will do that. You staunch the bleeding. She is pale. Okay, okay. Is there breath? Is she breathing? Yeah, she is breathing. She is pale. Okay. Okay. Is there breath? Is she breathing? Yeah, she is breathing. She's alive for now.

Okay, cool. She needs medical attention very quickly. I will start. Fuck. What do I do here? How long can I, I guess, leave her alone, sort of, as it were? It's pretty touch and go right now you don't know if now that you've staunched the bleeding you actually don't know that there's much more that

you can do anyway so if you have a plan to walk away and find something now is as good a time as any yeah okay i was just wondering if i could like you know take off the armor uh so she's not as wet and try and get her to be dry, basically. I would say that was part of some of your medicine checks. Part of her armor was definitely dented and crushed part of her chest. You don't even have time for that. You can see that she is clearly struggling to breathe, even beyond being out of the water now.

There's definitely at least a punctured lung, but that is just beyond your ability to treat her. If I can get her to wake up, maybe I can get her to second wind. Right. Okay. Well, I'll let her just chill for a bit. I will scan the, I guess, further down river. I will start making my way there. see if i can find literally anybody else

you find washed up on the side of the shore heisel lows let's go with lows this time lows you find saren saren also looks mangled and bloody and bruised her clothes are kind of like wrapped in her almost like a funeral shroud which is very a very like awful and terrifying thing to see yes when you get to her you realize unwrapping her that the her own clothes must have been wet and smothering her she just barely starts like coughing uh not really awake but coughing to struggle for air she is mostly like unconscious as well her body is just worse than chantelle chantelle must have hit and then almost immediately become stuck whereas sarin would have hit bounced hit something else bounced some more both of her arms look broken as does one of her legs her face is mangled okay cool cool cool cool

um but she is by all accounts alive right now yes and but she's not is she conscious at all no she's definitely unconscious okay cool cool well i'll make sure that she's at all? No, she's definitely unconscious. Okay, cool, cool, cool, cool. I'll make sure that she's at least breathing in, like, an upright position or, like, towards the side so that she's, you know, functioning, as it were. And then I really need to find... I really need to find Yaiola. It takes you some time because you... Are you comfortable spending, like, 10 minutes on this one?

Basically, if I unwrap her face so she can breathe, and if I think that right now she is okay, as in like not okay. Well, checking her down, because she's got a lot of heavy, wet clothes, checking her completely is going to take some time. So you actually don't know how critical her condition is unless you want to spend about 10 minutes checking uh probably not at this point i just want to kind of move her to a side and just make sure that she's not in harm's way any further like if she was in the water or anything like that to make sure that she's not

you know at risk of drowning and yeah just just kind of like okay she's still breathing currently uh and yeah i'll need to scan a a bit further to see if anyone is around. All right. You find or you spot tree stump as well. Highs or lows? Yeah, highs. Tree stump is kind of in the water. There's a bent over, one of the only few pieces of terrain that could be deemed foliage.

There is like a dead half desiccated tree bent over nearly completely broken in the water, almost in the middle of the stream. Yep. Not stream, really. River. Tree stump is wrapped around it. Okay. Head above water? Head, no uh head above water head uh no head below water uh not okay i will um wade in try to use any sort of like um control water as it were

to to make sure that i don't get swept away sure and um yeah get Stump's face above the water. All right, you can do that. You lift Tree Stump's face above water. Tree Stump, you are on zero hit points. Okay. I will say, Tree Stump, that you also are stabilized, so don't worry about rolling to bleed out. Your friend has just saved your life. But you, I would say, would say can like talk and maybe make

vague gestures but you are too infirm to move yourself okay um have you seen yayola you have not seen you have you seen yayola have i i assume my head was underwater, so no. But have I? You remember tumbling over with Yayola? You remember hitting the rocks? You remember coming up for air, down underwater, up for air, down, up, down? You remember spending a lot more time underwater than above? And you remember in that chaotic mess, you saw Yayola, but you don't know where they are now. She was alive when I saw her. Are you okay to be here?

I want to, like, kind of rest her head so it is above water so that she can't, you know, fall underwater again. And just kind of like, I do not think I can drag you out right now, and I need to find Yeola very fast. That's okay. I'm very big. I'll stay. Are you okay?

She's okay where she is currently? I wrap my arms around a bit of stick. It would appear the tree stump might be beginning to suffer. It's nighttime still, and you are in water. The water is frigid cold. You think tree stump is beginning to suffer from hypothermia. They are saying they're fine, but you can see them blue around the lips and shivering.

If I can, can they help me help them get out of the water? No, tree stump cannot move under their own. How heavy is tree stump? We've established pretty, I think. How much of a struggle is it going to be for me to get her out of the water?

I think with one person and the cantrip-shaped water, you'd be fine, actually. Okay, well, I'll do that to get her out of the water so she's at least on the bank and not freezing again anymore or not, like, constantly being wet by the running stream. Make sure she's fine, and I will look for Yeola. You search for... How long are you willing to search for? I don't know.

Half an hour? You search for half an hour and find neither hide nor hair of Yeola. Fuck. I don't know this. She's right now our best chance of survival so i'll i need to yeah find another yep you're gonna keep searching yep you get to a point eventually where the water begins to slow down and flatten out and it becomes a really really shallow really really wide stream kind of like kind of like one

massive puddle to be honest when it when that happens you realize yayola could not could not have come this far and kept being washed away there's not enough strength to it yayola you must have passed and they were submerged or hidden somewhere. Fuck, I'll double back. You pass tree stump again. Tree stump is shivering cold. Okay, I'll go over to tree stump, see if there's anything I can kind of do, either light a fire next to them. I would say actually tree stump,

it's been a half hour there, a half hour back. Tree stump, you've had time for a short rest. So... Oh, I'm all better now. Don't worry. Well, a short rest wouldn't put you necessarily on full hit points. Not necessarily, but in this instance. Yeah, it's kind of what we need.

Well, you can roll up to 4 d12 to regain hit points. How many d12 would you like to roll? Four! No, hang on. No, four's a clever option. Okay, yes. No, I'm on... Yes, I have more strength than anyone else. I've asked you merely as a joke.

16. You recover 26 hit points, tree stump. You are still suffering from hypothermia, and I would say that that translates to, let's call it two levels of exhaustion. Yeah. Okay. I got the cold sleepies. All right, so I call it two levels of exhaustion. Yeah. Okay. I got the cold sleepies.

All right. So I pass. Tree stumps awake. I was like, all right. I could not find you. Come with me. Come with me. Can you walk?

Yes. I need your help. Come with me. I know where Saren is. I know where Chantal is. I don't know where Eora is. Please just come with me for a minute. Okay.

I'll look up high and you'll look wherever you can see. We'll head to Saren. Okay. Yes. How's Saren doing? Have they also been able to? You walk back to Saren. Tree Stump is walking at half speed and has disadvantage to most skill checks.

But what about how long my legs are? Does it even out? Your movement speed is nonetheless still 30 feet, unfortunately. That's embarrassing! Do I just have a really long torso? Am I all neck? I don't wait for... For D&D reasons, it just doesn't matter.

I don't wait for tree stump to... I'm not side by side, basically. I'm running to Saren. i'll do it twice over you do the once over i look again i need you to come with me now like as in i just oh yeah but you go ahead so you look once and then i look twice when i'm slow yeah sure i'm just running to saren i'm coming all right you get to Saren at a sprint. Saren's robes are... Saren's once kind of like starry blue robes

are now stained a dark red. Yeah. Fuck. Find out next time on Stories of the Greyhill Free Company. free company. Hey, did you love Dinosaur Park? The whole Dinosaur Saga, even? Well, did you know that just as the Jolls wrap up their adventures in the vast reaches of space, a brand new adventure has begun. The very same night that the Jolls entered Dinosaur Park,

Jackson's good friends Adam and Cash found themselves trapped in Dinosaur Land, Jackson's nightmare of a theme park. If you want to be part of the next chapter of the Dinosaur Saga, then head to SandsPantsPlus and for as little as $10 a month, you gain access to Dinosaur Park 2, Dinosaur Land, as well as literally an arseload of other content. Once again, that's SandsPantsRadio.com forward slash plus. Head there now. The adventure continues.

Hey there, fellow adventurer. If you're picking up what we're putting down and want more D&D content, we have just what you need to scratch that itch. D&D is for Nerds Plus, the symbol, not the word, where you can listen to select campaigns that were once only available to Sandspans Plus members, the further adventures of the Greyhill Free Company if you want shorter campaigns with beautiful guests,

and D&D is for Nerds, not Ognot, where all our non-canon D&D adventures go to rest. Just search for D&D is for Nerds on your favourite podcast app of choice and join us on this epic quest of D&D podcast discovery.