D&D is For Nerds - Stories of The Greyhill Free Company II #11 River Witch, Wolves and a Series of Skulls. Oh My!

Episode Date: January 22, 2022

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to save you the embarrassment of dripping sauce on your uncovered chest. Once again, that's sandspantsradio.com slash shop. You're listening to the Sandspan's Network. Home of comedy, culture, adventures, and ghosts. Previously on Stories from the Greyhill Free Company. And you slowly drift from one end of the river to the other. Everyone else falls off the edge one by one. The iron golem begins to emerge at the other side of the river.

Chantelle is at the bottom, almost the perfect bottom of the waterfall. Several of the rocks must have shifted when she struck them. You can see that she is bleeding like blood is mixing with the water. You see that one of her legs twists and breaks at a very bad angle. Adam. As opposed to a good angle. She comes out. That's good.

Most of her comes out. Okay. Saren also looks mangled and bloody and bruised. Her clothes are kind of like wrapped in her, almost like a funeral shroud. Tree stump is wrapped around her head. Head above water? Head, no, head below water.

Not, okay, I will wade in. You realize Yayola could not have come this far and kept being washed away. There's not enough strength to it. Yayola, you must have passed and they were submerged or hidden somewhere. Fuck, I'll double back. I'm just running to Saren. I'm coming. Um, okay, I now try, uh, is she alive?

I try to, to, uh, medicine check as much as I can. You can't tell initially. You need to start taking clothes off her. She is very cold to the touch and very pale. She could be alive. She could be dead. You just don't know. You start removing all of those heavy clothes.

And after you get some of them off her chest, and after you get some of them off her chest, she starts breathing again very, very faintly. Okay, okay, okay. Good, good, good. You can see she has a lot of internal bleeding and a lot of external bleeding. Yep. All right.

Who did not move? I grab her as much bundles of clothing as I can. Is there any kind of, like, fold, as in, like, wood or anything I can kind of use as tinder? Or does anyone have, like, a tinder box that I can kind of, like, basically make a fire? But, like, a quick and dirty fire. Basically, I can cast a cantrip of producing flame, but I kind of just need to have something there to kind of keep the fire going. What do you have that could be dry?

I guess any kind of weapon that was on me at the time. Like the handles of a dagger. Would they be dry or would they also be wetted? Well, I mean, it'd be in my body. It was in my purse. Oh, actually, no. Oh, no, you were a fish oh but you've walked in and shaped water a few times yeah so um depends how much they dry off

during the the walk a cold night like this probably not a lot hemp and hemp and rope as well uh again if i'm using produce flame it's not about trying to catch a light just trying to maintain a light i i think even with produce flame you would struggle to keep something set aflame basically trying to get some some some just fire going so it just kind of warms them up even if it's ever so briefly i don't think i don't think anyone here has anything that would currently be able to catch fire unfortunately you would need to go searching for some dead wood somewhere yeah yeah right yeah okay well um who do i does sarin look like she should not be moved uh yeah you think if you move her you're very likely to break something further in her okay i'm just trying to work out who do I not move?

Chantelle or Saren? Or both! Um, okay. Well. Hm. I'm- okay, I just speak- I- I, uh, uh, yell at Tree Stump, um, to- to, um, try and find some dry wood. Just try and find some wood.

I'm going to try and uh check on chantal unfortunately tree stump is currently distracted so they do not notice this but gluple you eventually begin to notice out of the darkness from further along the river where the waterfall is a large loping figure walking towards you it hasn't materialized yet but it walks very slowly and very purposely down the river no like a golem it could be no no okay back up the waterfall everyone up uh i die okay okay look if it is um that then then we're fucked but right now uh i go i go to chantal i go to chantal you oh chantal is further up the river where it's coming from yeah i go to chantal okay you begin what are you trying to avoid the figure um I know nothing about the figure, right? I can't see anything about it.

It's coming from Chantal's direction. Okay. He's a friend or foe. I guess I won't necessarily try to avoid it. I won't go out of my way to avoid it, but I also won't go out of my way to confront it. Okay. If that makes sense.

You're hoping that you're just going to pass each other by and be like huh it's crazy how we're both in the forest right now have on your way as you begin to approach you're like in the night your human eyes begin to slowly make out what you were looking at chantelle is using her warhammer as kind of like a crutch and is hobbling her way towards you. Perfect. I run. I run. I run.

I run. She coughs up a lot of water when you get to her. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I try and try to brace myself and myself. I try to hold her up with as much as I can and help her towards, I guess, Saren.

You return to Saren with Chantal. She sits down in the water next, not in the water, sorry, sits down on the bank next to her. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm so sorry, Chantal. I need you to come rest here. I'm going to do what I can to try and make sure that you two are comfortable, or you three really are comfortable,

and I need to find Yola chantelle nods she doesn't look like she's capable of talking right now yeah um did i yell how did tree stump go with finding any dry yeah did i end up oh hearing that did i just have a you know those moments where someone says something and you're like i'll figure out what that was in about three seconds. You start scrambling around nearby tree stump looking for wood. You find maybe enough to make kindling, but not enough to keep a fire going. During that time. Okay, that's going to do for now.

Anything that I have that looks dry, I will basically make a heap. That includes any of Saren's dress that was all bundled up and kind of mangled. My own sort of clothes, if they're any sort of dry. Just to kind of make a pyre, basically. To try and just emanate a bit of warmth while I go search for a yeola again. Okay, you... Are you going to try and set that alight? Yeah, with the...

Produce flame. Yes, just... It splashes against the... Well, none of the clothes are wet. I don't think anyone's clothes would probably be dry okay um but it splashes against the pile of equipment that you've made and uh it probably doesn't do much highs or lows um highs no everything you have is still so wet it can't really catch like it catches the catch the kindling at least the kindling catches yeah

but that won't stay lit for long how long like we're talking here we're talking like maybe 10 minutes right um cool 10 minutes is more than enough then i will be tree stump i need you to go uh warm yourself up as much as you can right now i need you to go get as much look i need this is a desperate time right now i know you're feeling very crap but i need you to go get as much. This is a desperate time right now. I know you're feeling very crap, but I need you to look for something a bit more simple because I need to go and find Yegola now. Yeah, of course. I race along into the forest to try and find some more dry things

and then as I'm running, feel in my pocket the ring of water walking I forgot about. If it makes you feel any better having worn that, you probably just would have hit the ground. But I could have walked into the river. Yeah, the reason why we're in this predicament. Yeah, sorry, earlier it would, oh yeah,

absolutely, earlier it would have helped. Yeah. I put that on. Okay. Just in case it comes up again. Is that cursed? No, I don't think so. Oh, wait. Well, it's not.

All right. So you put it on. Yeah, that's fine. Do you want to walk into the river? No, I have no need to. I just put it on because it would have come in handy earlier when we went over the waterfall because of me being in the water. Well, I go look for, you go search, and I will also go search for a yeola. Like looking into the, I wish I saw my fish eyes.

Fuck these stupid human eyes. All right. So are you searching two different directions to look for a yeola? I'm basically going to start... If you go to the opposite direction of me, I'll let you know. I'm going to look for basically where I found tree stump, around a bit further on from there, while tree stump goes and gets wood. All right.

Tree stump is probably not going to be able to find anything further searching further along global you've you spot on the other side of the river not on the side you're on but on the opposite side there is uh like a set of tracks going away from the river cool i um i yeah i shape water to to cross the river and try and um yeah, look at those tracks. Are they... It's two sets of tracks, actually. You notice now that you're on the other side of the river. It's one set of tracks, roughly a regular human-sized person. So it could have been like an elf or an orc or a lot of other things, but it probably wasn't anything like a halfling or a dwarf. Something roughly the size of a human came up to the water

and dragged something away. Okay, cool. I'll keep following that drag marks then. As you keep following the drag marks, you find that there are two sets of paw prints, probably something like a... Oh, what's your wisdom? Pretty decent, right? Yeah, I'm a smart boy. Sorry, survival oh what's your wisdom pretty decent right yeah not wisdom survival so your survival is pretty decent it's two sets of wolf tracks join in on

the single set of human tracks and the drag marks yep and then it trails away a little bit until you can see a light in the distance. Okay, well, I rush. I rush there. I run. You rush towards, you can see, it kind of looks like a farm almost. There's like a squat little house made out of mud bricks with a thatched roof.

There's a fence around the front with some strange-looking vegetables or plants planted out the front. And you can see on the, just outside, just in front of the door, there's like two mats where the wolves are sitting. They lie there, and as you approach, both of them kind of curiously regard you. The fence that rings this house, or not rings this house, but like it's just out the front of the house that keeps the vegetables in an enclosed area.

The fence is topped with a series of skulls. That might not be necessarily a bad thing. What if those skulls belong to bad people? Yeah. This could be highly neutral. Maybe Ayola is with someone who is very kind yes i call out hello as you approach if you call if you get close enough to start calling out the two wolves slowly with a low like meanness to them growl at you as you approach it's okay um and inside the house, you can also hear shunk, shunk, shunk, shunk.

That's okay. Like the sound of something heavy hitting a wooden surface and then dragging. That's it, right? Casting something as a ritual. Sorry, do you still call out? Yeah, of course. Speaking with animals as a ritual sorry only sorry do you still call out well yeah of course um i was like speaking with animals as a ritual spell i know it's like a 10 minute casting time yes so i have to be focused and concentrating that i couldn't be doing it while running or

doing it while walking uh i i think maybe if you wanted to walk but running or doing basically anything else uh let me quickly check as well i think i don't think you could i definitely don't think you could talk a lot of thing is if i see some wolf prints i might and then if was in a distance i would be like okay cool as i'm walking there casting the the ritual so i can at least speak to the wolves um as i get to the place but then you know that's just all i was thinking but if i can't like walk like, walk and cast it, then you're not. Yeah, I get, there's nothing that says that you can't be walking, but your hands and your mouth are busy.

Okay, well, if I, as I, hopefully as I've walked to the place, I'll have already cast Speak With Animals. All right, sure. Well, you would probably need to slow down a little bit to have the spell done by the time that you get down a little bit to have the spell done by the time that you get there, but you can have the spell done by the time that you get there. Yeah, okay, okay.

Well then, I'll try and speak to the wolves. One of them says, You're not welcome here. That's alright. I just need some help. The other one says, He's not welcome here. Yes, look, I don't need to be welcomed here.

I'm imploring someone for some help right now. The door opens and an old woman steps out. The woman has kind of like a simple brown, almost like a monk's robe sort of thing with a cinch tying at the waist. almost like a monk's robe sort of thing with a cinch tying at the waist she has around her neck and down her front a like a butcher's apron that you see is stained with blood and in one hand she has a bloody cleaver hello hi i followed your tracks i believe you might have come across a friend of mine she gives you a quizzical look and then says in kind of broken common like she doesn't speak the language much yeah red skin yes that's the one horns yes that's the one what for as well we're running away from a iron golem and um uh they're they're a friend she casts a she casts her gaze back the way you came as if she knows

where you came from over the waterfall then looking back at you she says golem yes she walks back into the hut and produces a figure in a shroud she walks over lays it down in in kind of like the middle of her garden walks back to her porch and says take it is this is this my friend yes is she she's not alive is she alive enough yeah okay um i i i go and uh pick up the shroud the shrouded figure. Why don't you check? Well, yes. Do you check? Yes. As soon as you reach down to pull at the shroud,

you hear her say, Cassius, Belly, time for dinner. The two wolves rise up and start stalking their way towards you. She turns around and goes back into the hut. Is it Yayola? Do you, you're going to, all right. So there's a little bit of unwrapping that you would need to do. Oh, then no. I'm just saying that checking is going to be your first round of combat.

I pick her up and run. Well, the wolves leap and start chasing after you okay okay fucking wolves what the fuck okay okay the wolves kind of like nip at your heels a little bit but you get the almost immediate impression that while they would if you were to stop they would attack you it feels like they're just trying to run you off the property, to be honest. Yeah, I've heard that. Yeah, they're like nipping at your heels, but they're not really trying to kill you right now.

But they're not playing around. They're just trying to scare you. But scaring you could very easily, you think, become killing you. They're wolves, and they're not listening to any reason um if i can be like look i understand we are leaving uh please leave us alone um they probably just don't respond to that they keep going at you they seem well trained okay okay i can't like trying to persuade them with an animal handling check or anything like that to be like please just leave us alone maybe one with disadvantage well that would be stopping

though and if you stop you could try to handle animal handle oh i'm running and screaming leave me alone well yeah you could try to stop uh and animal handle them but if you fail they will bite oh yeah i'm running and screaming fuck yeah then you you get away let's go they eventually turn back and leave you alone okay the moment i feel like they're not on my tail yeah i guess we'll put um this figure down and unwrap and assess it's yayola but yayola's horns have been removed yeah well that's just not i i check her um vital signs and now a quick word from our sponsors I check her vital signs. Is she breathing? And now a quick word from our sponsors.

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Yale is alive, but her pulse is faint. Yeah, okay, okay, okay. Well, in that case, I will, I will guess, take a, not a gingerly stroll back, but a more measured, careful, not just running at full pelt back to our basic camp all right um if there is any kind of foliage of like uh like any any kind of trees or like some stuff that i can just easily grab without spending too much time on the way back i will i will try and grab something the land land is quite featureless, unfortunately. It's quite featureless. You get back with Yeola,

but without any unfortunate, anything to make kindling. Okay. As I get back, I'm hoping that Big T has done well. Big T. What did I find? Did I do a good job?

I don't know anything that's happening. Hi, Zolos. Hi. Big T, Zolos. Hi. Big T, you are unable. You spent a long time searching for anything, but you are unable to find any kindling of any sort. I always get confused between dry and wet. Fucking hell.

Okay, okay, all right. Well, I get back to our makeshift camp. Everyone's back at the camp now. Oh, you did much better than I did. Did you find anything at all? No. Is that Ieola? Chantel forces herself to a stand.

Chantel, sit, sit. I place Ieola near Chantel, so Chantel, do not move right now. I placed Yeola near Chantal, so Chantal, do not move right now. When Chantal sees Yeola, she issues a long, low hissing sort of sound. So, right now, let us focus on survival. I'll explain, I guess, as much as I can in a minute, but right now we need to focus on survival and rest and making sure that Saren is okay, that you are as well as you can be Chantal, and that Eola is resting and is also okay.

So I'm just going to put her down, wrap up like the Shroud, which I'm assuming is dry. Yeah, it would be dry, but I'm not going to say it's not going to burn for long. Oh, I know. It's dry. Great. Give Eola a once over.

Does no one have oil? It's less about the starting a fire, big T, and more about it constantly going. We need fuel as opposed to a starter. So if you have all the wet things in oil, won't all the wet things become flammable? It will dry them a little bit, but it probably won't dry them fast enough or quick enough.

So look, I can maintain a flame for a while until I need to rest. So I will definitely do that. So hopefully it'll dry some of the stuff. But right now, there's a sequence of things that we will definitely do that. So hopefully that'll dry some of my stuff. But right now, there's a sequence of things that we need to do first. And one of them is to check on

Neola, and then also Saren. You set up what meager a camp you can create. The Produce Flame spell, from the description, it doesn't sound like the fire it makes sheds much, if any, heat. It says specifically that it does not harm equipment or you.

So I'm guessing it does do fire damage, though. But that's when it's discharged. Look, I would say that you can get some heat from it, but the magic of it is designed so that it doesn't harm you when you're holding it. So while you're holding it, it doesn't do that much. I'm just hoping I can utilize it to dry things off, really, just to kind of hopefully dry people's clothing. If I can also use mending to mend any kind of, again, tears or those kind of things in clothes

so that it kind of just helps with people's comfort levels right now. You try to make people as comfortable as possible. You do the best job that you can, but it is nonetheless a very cold, sad, depressing night. Yes, yes. And the next day you will probably need to spend a few hours of the morning still resting, because you definitely did not get your long rest last night. No.

With a druid, do I get my spells back in a short or long rest? Long. Long. Okay. Okay. Okay. Right. Well, I'll make sure.

I'll, again, making sure that everyone is healthy, shall we say. And then if I'm like during the night, basically ensuring everyone is alive. No one's going to pass away or anything in the night. And everyone does get a long rest. But no one, everyone except you, I suppose, is on two levels of exhaustion. And that two levels of exhaustion remains because you actually didn't have, unfortunately, because you left your camp in a bit of a hurry, you don't have any of your equipment with you.

Well, you have some of your equipment, but no one was really picking up backpacks when you were running from the end. Yes, yes. So everyone still is at two levels of exhaustion with the exception of you um does that mean is everyone i guess fully recovered in terms of hit points hit point wise everyone is standing but everyone like chantelle's leg is still yes missing just below the knee sarin definitely still has a lot of internal injuries and damage yayola wakes up the next day her and chantelle share like a very impassioned very tender in embrace both of them you can hear

from each of them like gentle sobs kind of rising and falling between them uh yayola also experimentally goes up to touch where her horns were and makes like a pained wince when she touches there. I feel that fill them in on, on what happened there. Um, what I, I presume some kind of river witch or hag or something like that. Um,

definitely, uh, you, you, you used your horns for I guess something. Wow, everyone's rolling fucking garbage. I guess, yeah, everyone's like

some sort of river witch or hack. We don't know what that was. So, well, I guess we could do something for that but I guess we're really not in no position right now. And I know where they are. There's two wolves. Chantel,

kind of with a half-ragged breath, says, I think we can deal with a couple of wolves. Yes. Yes. Probably not right now, let's say. I think it's best if we have a rest and then kill the dogs.

Yeah. Several things. I guess we also don't know where Zymeer ran off to. There's also Sothetai and Gollum running around Israel. Yeah. um there's also so that i and golem are running around um yeah yeah um what can i do in terms of like healing magic healing magic wise you're kind of at your limit right now there's the magics that these people require are either beyond you or or are just unknown to you could Could I have... Would I have known, say, like, in the morning,

stuff like, say, lesser restoration would be beneficial here? Lesser restoration's really more for dealing with things like poisoning and disease. Okay. None of which no one here has. I mean, like, tree stump might still be suffering a little bit of hypothermia, but Lesser Restoration will not restore hypothermia, unfortunately. That's okay.

My limbs are long. It takes a while. Okay, so there's probably not a huge amount of things that I could have prepared. Yeah, the party's just kind of exhausted. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Okay, well, um, right, Yeola, um, this is, I guess, your decision

as it was your body. Um, what would you like us to do? Yeola casts her eyes around the group and says, I want revenge. Okay. Is this a burning hot revenge, or can this be

a couple of days revenge? She looks back towards where the waterfall is and says, we can put this one on a back burner. Right, good. Come back still. Okay. I think we should probably

find where Zia Mia is, too. Okay. I think we should probably, a couple of things. We need to find, I guess, where Zia Mia is. Two, perhaps try to recover where our equipment was from the last camp. And three, I would say just getting somewhere a bit drier, a bit warmer and out of the elements so that we can actually have a proper rest and and warm our bones well you know if you follow the river back the way it came you'll eventually

leave this place and head into like nicer grassy farmlands that would be a little ways away but you could do it though getting back up the waterfall is going to be a lot easier than getting down it. Yes, I was going to say, how do we get up the waterfall? Well, obviously you could just walk in one of the two directions to try and go around it, but you don't know which one would be shorter. You have no idea. Yes.

I guess I'll put it as a group, like what are our priorities right now? If we go up the waterfall, we have to go the other way to where the thing was. We need to either, um, so look, we can either try and find where Zemir is again. We can try and get our equipment back, or we can take that as, as lost equipment. Um, and I guess there's now a little bit of revenge on the table. And of course resting so

well we need Zia Mir to stop other iron giants, golems, either iron golems I mean what I look at the waterfall I can climb up the rockish face if I turn into, say, a goat or an ape, yeah? I don't think goats get a climb speed. Goats are so good at climbing.

If I put on my water walking ring, could I climb up the waterfall? Goats fall off all the damn time. They don't show videos of that because, of course, they don't. Look, that would make a lot of sense i don't know if i believe you i don't know what to tell you cas look there look i will not deny that those particular certain types of goats can climb but they can't climb all the time and they do fucking fall a lot. More than you'd think. Yes, yes, yes. They crave the mineral, and it kills them, Cass. Yeah, die for the mineral. Delicious, delicious mineral. Yeah, I guess can I turn into anything that can help?

Would an ape help, or is it very much like... Oh, there is a type of goat that has a climb speed. There you go. Ah, well. You could do it. I would still say it's risky, though, because it's wet rocks. Even with a climb speed. There you go. Ah, well. You could do it. I would still say it's risky though because it's wet rocks. Even with a climb speed, this isn't...

This is not that environment that that goat evolved to live in. Yeah, well I could attempt to climb up probably not the waterfall, next to the waterfall where it's a little bit safer. I could attempt to climb there and try and get into almost like a solo search for her.

If that is something we want to do, or we could try and do it together. We just pick a direction and walk up. If that is finding Zemir is our top priority. What's the vibe of the group? Everyone seems just kind of defeated. No one says anything. I think Zemia is very important but i don't know how we can do that if we're not rested so i guess we could try and go up

or at least somewhere where we can go there we can set up a camp um where the the the four of you rest while I go and perhaps try and search for Zmir. Okay. Once again, the party seems, like I said, kind of defeated. No one's really responding or putting anything in. I'll take first watch and we can all get some sleep. You just ended a rest.

Yeah. You okay there, Big T? No, I fell off a waterfall yes I know but I've still got two levels of exhaustion yes so you need food and water so what I was

trying to say is we need somewhere safe that we can make a camp so that we're out of harm's way. So we need to find bits of kindling, dry wood, those kind of things that start a fire, because I think a lot of you, and I'm just staring directly at Big T's blue lips,

I think some of you are still maybe suffering from hypothermia. Big T, you don't know what he's talking about. You feel too hot. If anything, you're wearing too many clothes right now i take off my fucking hot i take off no no no um i know about this no no no no no big t i see what you mean i think you feel like you're hot yeah yeah yeah no no no no so you feel like you're hot so this is perhaps um it's it's it's it's a jacket's better. No, no, no, no, no. I try and... Big T, I need you to be...

I stopped fanning myself. I'm going to have a dip in the water. Big T, please. Have a think. What would Falmone do? Would Falmone listen to me right now, being the only one who is not exhausted? I was told I get to be grumpy and silly when I get sleepy.

Yes, yes, yes. Sleep is like the only thing you have ready access to. Are you sure you're not hangry? Could be hangry. So, let us put the coat back on, please. Just for me just for me please big t you'd hate it in here i put the coat back on i look at you and sweat you have to do something nice for me then later of course of course anything anything you you want i will of course try to do.

So let us, I propose, either we start walking or heading towards where we left our camp last night. See what we can salvage. And then try to head maybe towards where Zemir might be. And then set up a camp and I can go out and search for her. So we're going to go up back the waterfall. We're going to take the long way around. Okay, I don't want to go where the thing was. I know. Yes, no, we'll try to be very careful.

Yeah, where that figure was before, because that was coming out one side of the waterfall, wasn't it? No, that was Chantal. Big T. Well, I didn't know that. Big T doesn't know that. To be perfectly honest. It's okay.

It's okay. So scary. Looked evil. I want to maybe look at, like, Chantal. Like, she's lost a leg. Yeah. And a lot of blood. Is it perhaps worth it

to even send Baku back to the farmstead? How far away? We were like a day's journey to the farmstead, yeah? Oh, from the farmstead? Yeah, about a day. Well, a day plus however long it takes you to climb this waterfall. Waterfall, yeah, right.

Probably a lot longer now, actually. Half of the party is moving at, no, a lot more than half the party. You were the only person not moving at half speed. Yeah, I'm just trying to wonder if it's going to be like a if we can find a place just for them to kind of like hole up that is relatively safe that has access to sort of

some meager food. What if we simply kill the lady and her dogs and lived there? I mean, that's an option. It is a house, yes. Probably a cursed house. I don't necessarily, again, having a look at the current party, I just don't know how well right now we would deal with that person.

Could I take him, Adam? How would you know? Because Zamet saw the wolves, Zamet saw the lady. Well, you've fought wolves before. You can handle a couple of wolves, and it's an old lady. I mean, like, what? What could she possibly do to you? Well, that's what I'm thinking.

You're very confident in two things. You're very confident that you could take this old woman and her fucking dogs and you're very confident that it is too fucking hot right now. Maybe if I kill the dogs, I'll be allowed to take my jacket off. Will Big T stop being so hot? Find out next time

on Stories of the Greyhill Free Company. One of the members of the Jeltof Pass party is naked. They also all show signs of blunt force trauma. Then when the area was tested and autopsy was done, a high amount of radiation was discovered on all of the members of the party. With that evidence, what do you think happened to the Delta Pass party? A Hulk. My good friend Jackson Bailey loves Sasquatches, Bigfoots, Yetis and all kinds of cryptids and mysteries that aren't just Gigantopithecuses

and loves to talk to his good friends about them on his show, Jackson Bailey Spooks America. But there are some rules. As I eat some candy. Let me explain the rules of Jackson Bailey Spooks America. But there are some rules. As I eat some candy, let me explain the rules of Jackson Bailey Spooks America. So, you gotta get your opinions, you gotta put them in a box, and you gotta put that box in. You remember in high school, like at the start of class, they were like, put your

phones in this box? Yep. That's what you gotta do with your opinions. Second thing, accept everything, believe nothing. And thirdly, accept when you're beat. Each episode, Jackson walks several of his good friends through a loosely researched or vaguely misremembered ghoul, fable, or spooky mystery, and we have to come up with our own theories

on what really happened. A graffiti message related to the mystery appeared on a wall which read, Who put Bella down the witch helm? Hagley Wood. Nobody knows who wrote this. Ooh, that's spooky as shit. Nobody knows where that came from.

That's so spook. In Russia where that came from. I'm so spooked. In Russia, as in every country in the world, there is a large bipedal ape that people talk about. A Sasquatch equivalent. In Russia, it's known as the Yeren. No, it's like one of the classic monster movie things. They're having sex and that's when the monster chooses to

attack. He smells their delicious sex odour. He smells the losing of virginity. Fun fact for all those virgins at home delicious sex odour. He smells the losing of virginity. Fun fact for all those virgins at home, sex smells gross. In 1817, he's in a corn field hunting and he spies a very strange creature. Hunting what? Creatures?

Well, not this creature. Birds, probably. He spies a creature that he describes as looking like a dog with a rabbit's head. He shoots it several times, as he would. Could it just be a big rabbit? Or a small dog? It's a bizarre phenomenon that only typically appears in England,

where people will have a skull that loves a yell. They climb the tree, and they discover in this sort of like a Y in the tree what looks like a skull. Other times it's just a show mostly about terrible things done to horses. Other than that, the boy, he doesn't speak. He only says these two phrases. I want to be a cavalryman as my father was. And horse, horse.

Alternatively, a scientist really wanted to fuck a horse not even necessarily a scientist just a guy maybe is it potentially possible yes that I'm seeing a strange creature that we have never heard of before yeah potentially is it within the realm of possibility that this man actually just saw one of those boys from Pinocchio turning into a donkey?

Spooky as hell. Who's ready to talk about horse death? I don't know, man. I woke up this morning and I said I was, but now that I'm staring it right in the face. When smaller carrion eaters and bugs and stuff are eating an animal that's recently died, what they go for is the fleshy bit, and that's just your junk, your tongues, and your eyes. Sorry, people. Those are the bits that go first. I do enjoy this because this is much better than the usual cattle mutilation problems,

which are delicious animals somehow dies for no reason. Eaten. Who could have done it? Who would possibly kill this thing we've bred to be delicious? We live in an area populated by coyotes and also wolves, but who? Why? Why would these things whose natural habitats are prey, we take this thing that we've bred to be stupid and delicious?

And not run and easy to catch. This walking pie. Who would eat a cow? They say, hefting burgers to their mouths. Who would eat this? I don't understand. So if you want to get mystery blue-balled with us, have a listen to Jackson Bailey Spooks America.

The first few episodes are available now on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you get your podcasts from. Or alternatively, subscribe to SansPantsPlus on SansPantsRadio.com or support us through the Bad IQ Boy collection through Apple Podcasts to get immediate access to well over 100 episodes. Get spooked, America. It is crazy that people think that you can listen to select campaigns that were once only available to Sandspans Plus members,

the further adventures of the Greyhill Free Company if you want shorter campaigns with beautiful guests, and D&D is for Nerds, not Ognot, where all our non-canon D&D adventures go to rest. Just search for D&D is for Nerds on your favourite podcast app of choice and join us on this epic quest of D&D podcast discovery.