D&D is For Nerds - Stories of The Greyhill Free Company II #12 An Unorthodox River Crossing

Episode Date: January 29, 2022

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Ahem. You're listening to the Sandspants Network. Home of comedy, culture, adventures, and ghosts. Previously on Stories from the Greyhill Free Company. All right, so you put it on. Yeah, that's fine. Do you want to walk into the river? No, I have no need to. It's just, I just put it on

because it would have come in handy earlier when we went over the waterfall because of me. You rush towards, you can see it's, it kind of looks like a farm almost. There's like a squat little house made out of mud bricks with a thatched roof. The fence is topped with a series of skulls.

That might not be necessarily a bad thing. Like a butcher's apron that you see is stained with blood and in one hand she has a bloody cleaver. Hello, hi, I followed your tracks here tracks i believe you might have come across a friend of mine yayola also experimentally goes up to touch where her

horns were and makes like a pained wince when she touches there i feel that fill them in on on what happened there yayola casts her eyes around the group and says i want revenge i think some of you are still maybe suffering from hypothermia. Big T, you don't know what he's talking about. You feel too hot. You're very confident that you could take this old woman and her fucking dogs and you're very confident that it is too fucking hot right now.

Maybe if I kill the dogs, I'll be allowed to take my jacket off. Look, I'm getting like zero guidance or zero input from the other team and yeah they're they're just like i said kind of despondent very hopeless right now it feels like this is a low point for them okay it's sarin's birthday today this This is rough. Oh, my God. Happy birthday, Saren. Okay.

Well, let's just pick a direction and let's try and head back up where the waterfall. You pick a direction and start trudging. Heysel Lowe's. Kath, you can take one of these. You can field these. Take this one for the team. Lowe's? Lowe's. Is that what you said? Stop it. You can feel these. Take this one for the team. Lows? Lows?

Is that what you said? Stop it. Yeah. Stop it. Lows. I got 79. You want to go highs? Lows.

All right. You walk for an entire day. Okay. I don't think we would have, to be perfectly honest. Well, you'd walk for half a day and be like, we should turn around? Well, I would assume if we were walking well you'd walk for half a day be like we should turn around well i i would assume if we're walking you'd be like okay there is there is no way we're scaling this like if we surely we would have figured out how many hours in we're like hang on i would say four hours in are we walking i guess are we walking towards where our camp was are you walking towards where you're going around the-

You're just kind of like putting one hand almost on the cliff and walking is what I'm kind of assuming. Yeah. Which direction would we have gone with? Like, I guess, the way towards our camp or towards- Yeah, I guess the direction that would have probably taken you hopefully towards or at least closer. Maybe you're being kind of hopeful and you're like,

maybe the path is really short and you're following along the way that would have kind of also led in the direction of your camp. But alas. Yeah. All right. And just eyeballing it ain't going to fucking help us here at all. Eyeballing what? The cliffs.

You just can't get enough You can't see enough of the cliffs to tell that Yeah Is it a bit drier where we currently are? Well there's no river so yeah it's drier So I in theory Could turn into a goat And walk up

Yeah sure Just keeping that in the back of my mind Alright so I guess we get to a certain point. Have we at least gotten to like trees? No, no. It's going to take you. You don't know which direction you need to go to get out of. Well, you know, if you follow the river, you'll get out.

But you don't know the shape or dimensions of this dead space. Oh, right. We're just like in a dead. Yeah. Oh, sorry. I don't know if I described this properly before, but it is like cracked dead earth for about as far as the eye can see. You see little spurts of maybe grass here and there, but there are certainly no trees.

Like I said, this place kind of has like a volcanic, uh, feel to it. Imagine. Yeah. Imagine basically coming to a, an Island that was made by a volcano and life has yet

to really sprout anew here right okay okay there's little every now and then you can probably see like a little little bit of greenery or something like that something where the nature is retaking this place but it is few and far between. Okay. Okay. I guess at this point, well, for food, I do have good berries. Yes, please. So how many good berries does a- It takes one good berry to feed someone. Yeah. How many good berries does it take in a cast, or how many?

Well, it- Up to 10 berries. Okay. How many good berries does it take in a cast? Or how many? Well, it... Up to 10 berries. Yeah. But you can only cast that. So you have a... You would cast through a sprig and mistletoe, a divine or a focus for your spell. Yes, yes, yes, yes. That gets consumed in the casting of good berry.

So you can cast this spell once. And a good berry lasts for 24 hours okay okay well at least we're for a day we're good well what you could do is because you can cast goodberry so if you're if you if you're uncertain how long you're going to be here you could cast it once and that's basically a day where you have a full recovery. One full recovery. Yes. And then the good berry spell has ended. Alternatively, you could spend a day doing several rests back to back,

maybe with your party, two rests back to back, and you can consume all ten of those good berries and thus getting the benefit of two rests in one day. But that would mean that you spend your day doing just that. Well, that's true. Also, again, we could go hunting for food if there is any food. But by the way you're describing it, nothing. You could try. I mean, like, I'm saying there's a chance.

It's just difficult. Yes, yes, yes. I think if everyone, if it is completely open, there are no trees, there's pretty much nowhere to hide, anything that comes for us, we can just hunt them. You know? Like, why go looking for something when everything that we could see would see us anyway? You're right. And we are definitely showing a very strong pleased.

Why would we even think we're a target? No, I'm saying, like, if someone thinks we're a target, they're coming to us and we kill them. Yeah, because we'd be hard to kill right now. Yeah. We wouldn't. We look weak. I'm saying we probably look like a target. Yeah, you're right.

Yeah, we look weak because, you know, we only look at... Yeah. I think I'm strong and I could do some Dimash. What about we plan to act even weaker than we look? I don't know if we'd need to, to be honest. I'm just saying in this moment of struggle, why not take advantage of it? Let the hunters come to us.

We'll kill them. Yeah, let's fight while we're weak. Yes. I tell you, everybody, let's not let let the hunters come to us we'll kill him yeah let's fight while we're weak yeah yes i tell you tell everybody let's um yeah um cass had a great look of uh like a brief moment of we got through to our yep for a brief moment cass was like oh shit yeah that's right no that wasn't that it was like oh you guys don't understand my plan. Why are you so negative? I think we can take them. I think instead of bothering going hunting, let them come to us. Then we're not expending energy. You sit down and you wait for something to come to you.

No, we don't need to do anything. They'll come to us anyway. I'm saying just keep in mind to kill. I don't know yet. I just think instead of bothering being like, we can see everything the whole time because there's no trees, why bother hunting? If there is something out there, it'll try and kill us.

Hills and other big rock formations or those kind of things probably don't exist. But we can see them. If someone comes out from behind them, we'll know, and they can come to us. I'm not wasting energy running when I could be spending my energy trying to kill Ambush predators Usually wait until you're

Pretty far ahead of them For them to burst out so you can see them Adam described this place as pretty Pretty open I'm saying They're going to see us think we're weak Think they're confident Try and kill

the ambushed become the MBs While we have this Big T maybe voices AA thing where I'm like we probably should look for some food and Big T mentions all this, I'm like I'm just going to turn into a goat and climb up and have a squiz

so yeah, I and climb up and have a squiz. So, yeah, I'll climb up and survey the land, as it were, to see where we are, what we're doing, from a bit more of a high advantage point. That's the one. You stagger your way up as a goat. How long were you walking in this direction before you choose to become a goat i would say that's like four hours four hours okay you climb up as a goat you look in the direction that you're going and you can see that it

does not look like it's going to become uh to become climbable anytime soon walking for four hours, you probably can't see far enough in the other direction, back the way you came. You probably can't see far enough to tell if that way is any easier, though, I guess is the problem. Okay. What's it look like up this side of the river?

As it looks. Hi. Hi. What's it look like up this side of the mountain? As it goes. It hides. In the distance, you see a figure walking through just the desolate landscape. You can see that there is a desiccated or dead tree in their way. As they approach it, they don't move to walk around it. They just walk into it. The tree falls over and they keep walking. Okay, that's the iron golem, yeah?

It looks like it could be. Oh, all right. Okay, well, then we'll go the other way. That's pretty easy. Yeah, okay. All right. Done. Climb down.

Cool. Okay. Yes. Okay. Alright. Done. Climb down. Cool. Am I a bit sturdier as a goat? As in I can carry somebody a bit further for at least an hour or whatever? I don't think anyone's small enough for you to be carrying them as a goat. You are probably

the smallest member of the party as a goat to be honest. Not by a lot, but you are. Okay. Well then i guess i remain a human okay um does that have horns as a goat yes it's a bit rude isn't it yeah well like obviously i can't what is your what is your plan why do you want what do you want to do to me i would never suggest this but but you currently are yes well you know could you in theory lop off your horns and be like yayola so we hear some new horns they would disappear as soon as they were chopped off you probably reverting back to whatever part of his body became the horns that would be really funny

to see imagine lopping off your horns and like your ring fingers were gone be like why why though yeah that is hilarious no again look big t is not suggesting this they do have a thing right I come down the mountain turn back into a human right so couple things one this direction that we're heading it doesn't look like it goes up anytime soon and two probably the

more pressing issue that iron golem I did see and it was heading that direction as well. We shouldn't go this way. So, yes, we probably head back the way we came and try and head up that way. And perhaps maybe we come across Zemir at some point. As you walk back the other way.

Can I? Yes. No, go on. I was going to say, is it, if I was to turn into, say, a war horse, could I then be better at sort of carrying some people and giving them more of a rest? Yeah, sure. You can only do it for an hour, but you can, yeah. Two hours.

Two hours? Yeah. Oh, I think it's a total of two hours. You've transformed once, and that was an hour's worth of, I think that's how it works. Yeah. You can stay in beast shape for two hours before reverting back to normal. Yeah. I can do it twice a day.

Well, twice per short rest. Okay. Oh, never mind then. Right. Well, yeah, then you can be a horse for two hours. Excellent. Well, I'll be a war horse for two hours as we go back, and I'll try and help out as much as anyone I can, really.

Probably Chantel and whoever else can fit on the back of me. You can probably carry maybe Chantal and Yayola, then Chantal and Serene until the horse shape wears off and then a couple of hours later you come to the river. How are you going to cross the river? You want to go down a little bit so you're not right at where the waterfall is? Yes. Oh, hang on.

Maybe I could carry my friends across. I found this ring. I can walk on water. Oh, yes. That ring we... Oh, yeah. Just mind wandering back 24 hours. Come on, come on.

I don't let anyone think about that too much. All right. You step into the water with the ring? Yep. All right. The second you touch water with the ring? Yep. All right. The second you touch water, you feel awful. Something bad's happening. Oh.

You need to get into the water now before it finishes, or something even worse is going to occur. Oh. You get into the water? You okay there? Yeah. What's going on? I feel sick.

You start staggering into the water. You feel your arms cut. You see, as Tree Stump's arms stretch out above their head. Tree Stump, you're not even willingly doing that. Your arms are just kind of stretching up and above your head in straight lines. You slowly fall forwards. Out of your chest, you feel like an alien from Aliens is trying to burst out of your chest. As you fall down, you are terrified.

Shock and horror emits out. You nearly try to scream, but you can't. Something is blocking your throat. As two wheels explode out of your chest and catch your fall, if you will. Wheels? Yeah, wheels. explode out of your chest and catch your fall if you will wheels yeah wheels you try to start kicking with your back legs but they something they feel slow and sluggish and strange you can't see but everyone else can as your your legs turn into wheels as well so that you have four of them you see as tree stumps body becomes to appear wooden and tree stumps arms stretch out and form like two long poles going now the tree stump is kind of like bent over

instead of going up outright they go forwards kind of um kind of like two sticks coming out yeah at a what is that horizontal no horizontal? No. Yeah, horizontal. Yeah, horizontal angle. Out of the two sticks, two horses emerge, growing out of the sticks and attached to them by like reins bit and brittle. You feel, Tree Stump, you feel your back begin to arch inwards and you feel your lungs and stomach begin to collapse and be pushed aside in in tree stumps

back there is now a divot big enough for several people to climb into tree stump is still kind of in a way unmistakably tree stump but they are now also kind of a wagon i i just want to, as I'm watching this, lean over to Chantel and be like, there has been, in the last three weeks, two weeks, far too much body horror that I have witnessed. And I know, as a man who was recently a fish, who was actually recently a spider, who just turned into a horse and back again, this is by far the worst thing I have seen. The wagon treats the water as if it was a solid surface. And now a quick word from our sponsors. Sure, I like listening to D&D is for Nerds, the podcast I am currently listening to, or not,

and maybe you should check it out on Spotify or whatever, but I hate using my stupid ears when I could instead be using my fabulous eyes. Well, thank my lucky stars, those fucking maniacs went and wrote a book adapting the Atticus campaign, the one with the airship and unhinged gnome. Just head to sanspantsradio.com slash shop and click on the merchandise button. It was limited run and stocks are getting thin. So why get talked at when you could use your own inner dialogue and read an adventure? Once again, that's sandspantsradio.com and grab your copy of the Auticus today. Hey, Adam. Yeah.

Yes. Yes, Cass. How much of me is still in this wagon? You are completely cognizant and conscious you are you all right so imagine being aware of your own body in that situation and then imagine also being aware of the two horses attached to you they are you okay you are those horses as well you control them can i speak can they talk you talk through Okay, one of the horses... Your mouth no longer works. It's part of the wagon.

One of the horses spins its head around and says, Get in. And the other one turns around and says, All aboard. The first one says, If you think about it for too long, we might get killed. Just resign myself to be like, Okay, I'm like maybe the first one in everyone climbs into the wagon hopefully yeah um i wonder how permanent i'm curious is this the moment we hit the other

like the other side oh my god what okay second horse turns around where do you want to go? Well, we can't go up the waterfall. I'll give it a go. The horses try and climb up. It's kind of like a, you unfortunately cannot just climb up the wall. The waterfall itself you would still treat as like a solid surface. So you can kind of go up it a little bit, but you can't really climb it. Okay. So can you like, yeah, it would be bit, but you can't really climb it. Can you climb?

Does it treat it like it's just, you know, you're stuck to the water and it keeps going up? Kind of like when I was a spider, I could climb a tree? Or is it just... I think gravity still works in the same way. This is horse number one. But because the solid surface of the water is constantly moving, it's going

to be tricky and I don't have thumbs. Ah, right. And then the second horse, four feet! Yeah. I guess we just head to the other side. We could go downriver if you want. Well, we want to go back up, don't we? Yes.

That's where Zemir is. Okay. Yes? I make the horses give each other a kiss on the cheek. Does it feel nice? It feels like kissing yourself on the hand Both of them turn around at the same time and say You gotta try this Okay, we go across the river

I really think we don't I'm sorry, we go We've been through a lot Do Avengers get counselling? Out of curiosity Why would they need that? You get to the other side You get to the other side

Almost as soon as you start coming up onto the bank You feel awful again, Tree Stump The change happens in reverse. The horses get sucked back in. You slowly stand upright. Your arms come back down. Everything returns back to what it was. Oh, fantastic.

This might be the best ring I've ever found in my life. At some point, maybe we'll strike up a conversation about like how when i transform say into a horse versus what that is is it is it a similar no no this is awful and horrible tree stop says they enjoy it but they really don't um tree stop enjoys the part where they get to kiss themselves on the cheek and also get a kiss on the cheek from them and also is wondering what it would be like if they turned into the horse and slept in the water so that one they could rest their head on their own body twice uh it's kind of like comparing if a friend for you global transforming for you is kind of like comparing a friend grabbing each of your arms and kind of

like pulling a trusted friend so you're like all right they're pulling on me but i i'm not feeling pain and i don't expect to feel pain whereas for tree stump it kind of felt like getting a beat down like you're being initiated into a bikey club i'll you what, it's very bad a lot of the time, except after it's worked. Then it is joy. I got eight legs. I never get eight legs. You had eight legs.

I was a bit jealous of you having eight legs. Look, to be honest, of all the things that I was, having eight legs was nice. It was nice. That was probably the only thing. It was nice. You've got eight eyes. I only have four eyes. I get it. pretty, it was nice. It was nice. That was probably the only thing. It was nice. That was about it.

You've got eight eyes. I get it. Look, that was confusing. I got to look two of my friends in the eyes at once. I adapted well. Okay, well, let's head this way and see what we find. Yeah. All my enthusiasm has come back.

I'm ready to live again. I don't care that I'm ready to live again. I don't care that I'm tired. Knowing I got 98 or 2 highs or lows. Highs. It was a 2. Switch to lows. Lows.

Why are you doing this? He already... Okay. Because he's lows. I'm going lows. Almost immediately, you see a path, a worn path in the cliff face, like a set of switchback, a switchback path that would allow you to wander back up. Well, that was great.

Charlie, are you okay to go up? Chantel? Chantel, still kind of using the, not kind of, still using the warhammer as a crutch nods gingerly i don't think i have a lot of choice here yeah uh would it have been worth grabbing her leg by the way or is that not how dnd works um yeah uh i'd suppose it isn't really how dnd works but i would say that maybe it would be easy. Look, it's not a priority. Okay.

Just wondering is like, do we need to buy part of that body that we lost? No? All right, off we go. Look, yeah, it's just too much hassle to recover, to be honest, than what it might be worth recovering. Okay, then we'll head up. All right.

Can I carry her? Yeah. You can probably half carry her. Yeah, you could definitely help But you are also still a bit infirm Everyone here is, like I said, with the exception of Global, everyone is moving at half speed I'll help then, if that's like, you know, I'm the strongest one Or at least not the strongest one, but the more, I guess, not exhausted I'll be helping Chantel up as much as I can You're stronger than I am

Two horses. Everyone gets to the top of the cliff. And does this mean... Is it still as barren? It is quite barren up here, yes. In my mind, we've now gone up the waterfall to the other side of the river. Does that mean I need to be horses again?

Get us back across? Well, no. I i mean if you wanted to you can splash around in in the water when we have a rest but right now back the other way is basically where we camp was and where the golem was heading this is where we basically lost uh zeomere so um look around there's no way for anyone to sort of like chill in camp, is there? You find no evidence of a camp here. Yeah. I mean, like as in like for us to rest.

I mean, like you could kind of anywhere in this place here, anywhere as good as anywhere else, to be honest. Okay. I start heading maybe towards the rocks where we jumped over, or we were meant to be jumping over, but cooked it. And see, I guess, actually two things. One, if there's any kind of tracks that Zia Mir left,

and two, where the Iron Golem went after I jumped into the river. Yeah, do we see any of the biggest footprints? Well, near the river itself, the earth a bit like damp and malleable so you can see that there is indeed zia mia's tracks head off uh like away uh is it perpendicular no uh parallel no parallel is it perpendicular yeah like kind of making a cross with the river head away directly if the river goes from west to east ziaia Mia went straight north, if that makes sense. You find also the tracks of the Iron Golem. It looks like the Iron Golem went kind of in the same direction, walking along the cliff edge. Okay.

But then the tracks become, you can't really follow them very far. Okay. Well, I guess we'll head a bit north for a bit until people are like yeah i guess i guess vibe out the group what do they want to do do they want to rest or do they want to keep soldiering on or is it all that's still that same defeatedness exhaustion well now that they're back here it feels like it feels like some progress is being made so some of the members of the party uh oh there's a little bit more like liveliness to the party chantelle is still pretty messed up so they're they're not really engaging

much still but sarin seems to have gotten back a little bit of her like a little bit of her energy she looks around kind of with like an air of, an air of interest, but she's not saying anything. Well, she doesn't say anything unless you're asking. Okay. I might ask something like,

you know, is there something you've noticed? No, I just wonder. I just wonder, I guess. Yeah. Yeah. I just wonder, I guess. Yeah, yeah. About how this happened?

No, I wonder... I left pauses wherever I felt necessary for her to interject, but if she didn't, I would have just... I have a disconcerting thought. What's up? Do you think there's only one? Probably not, yeah. I think it might not be worth thinking about how many there are

and more about stopping how many there could be. Because that's exciting and the other one is very scary. If the machine is currently working, we must assume that Xeia Mia is priority number one. We must stop the machine as soon as possible. Yes. Yes, correct. Well, let's try and track her then, if we can.

You start heading in the direction that she last went in. we can you start heading in the direction that she last went in after a little ways you see that there's like a kind of a scuffle scuffle marks in the in the barren ashen earth you can't tell exactly you have no idea what really happened here and you can see that there are footsteps going in two different directions but the footsteps are so kind of like old like the tracks are so kind of like old, like the tracks are so old at this point and have been worn away already at this point. It's actually impossible to tell.

Like one of these could be the Iron Golem and you wouldn't even know. One set goes north, the other set goes west. And we came from the east, yes? You came from the south. As in like our camp? Oh, your camp? Yeah, yes? You came from the south. As in, like, our camp? Oh, your camp? Yeah, your camp would be to the west.

I would assume that would be where, like, we saw the iron golem heading towards? Or where I saw it? It was kind of hard to tell. You would guesstimate it went in a westerly direction, but that's, like, a big guess. Well, that's what I'm sort of basing it off. I mean, it's, like, guess either which way.

So if this was, say, Zia Miya and the golem here, big guess well that's what i'm sort of basing it off i mean it's like guess either which way so if this was says um xeomia and the the golem here is there's no blood is there dried blood or anything like that uh you uh you can't see anything like that anything like that you it's very very like well not really that old but there's not a lot of stuff of anything here. So you can't find a lot of blood, but that doesn't necessarily mean that anything happened. Because, like... Didn't happen, I should say. Yes.

Well, look, if the Iron Golem had gotten the EMEA, I was going to say I probably would have just left it here, but I'm guessing they need raw material to feed the machine, huh? I say we keep heading north. All right, so you're going to follow the tracks north? Yes. Yes. All right. You come across the remains of a camp.

There's a small little space where a fireplace, a fire obviously once burnt, you can see where someone would have been lying for some time without a sleeping bag. And that's it. Cool. Is it the, like, you know, like the, I guess hard to say,

but like the imprint of the earth, roughly around about Xemias. It's human-sized, whatever it is. Human? Yes. There's a lot of different kind of guys around. That's something promising. We'll keep going. Yeah, is there any sort of other where the tracks keep leading?

Having a little search around, other where the tracks keep leading having a little search around you unfortunately global you can't find anything anything in here any clue as to where this person might have gone on the other hand tree stump you find there's like a rock that you pick up and underneath the rock you see a picture that someone has carved into the rock i'm so good at tracking um what's the picture this is finally something you can read you could see in the rock tree stump there is a depiction of what you would tell immediately is the river you have such a special bond with that river now after what happened earlier. You can tell that it is the river. You can see where the waterfall is.

You can see where the camp is right now, where you are currently. And then you can see that there is an X ahead of you. Guys, look. I'm gathering every other person. It's a rudimentary map. Tree Stump is capable of reading it. God, accessibility is so important. Tree Stump, you can suddenly read. No, Tree Stump is capable of reading this map. Tree stump is capable of reading. It. God, accessibility is so awful. Tree stump, you can suddenly read.

No, tree stump is capable of reading this map. Except I have no idea what that marking to show where the spot is is. What could that be? Baffling. It's quite clearly a destination. Four arrows pointing at each other. I don't know. We should go there, though.

Some kind of religious symbol. I'm so unaware of what this might be. All right, well, Gabe, if you can read that, let's adjust it to Big D. I'll lead the way because I'm so good at tracking. Tree Stump is incredible at tracking. Find out next time on Stories of the Greyhill Free Company. One of the members of the Delta Pass party is naked.

They also all show signs of blunt force trauma. Then when the area was tested and autopsy was done, a high amount of radiation was discovered on all of the members of the party. With that evidence, what do you think happened to the Delta Fast Party? A Hulk. My good friend Jackson Bailey loves Sasquatches, Bigfoots, Yetis and all kinds of cryptids and mysteries that aren't just Gigantopithecuses. And loves to talk to his good friends about them on his show, Jackson Bailey Spooks America.

But there are some rules. As I eat some candy. Let me explain the rules of Jackson Bailey Spooks America. But there are some rules. As I eat some candy. Let me explain the rules of Jackson Bailey Spooks America. So you've got to get your opinions, and you've got to put them in a box, and you've got to put that box in. You remember in high school, like at the start of class, they were like, put your phones in this box? Yep.

That's what you've got to do with your opinions. Second thing, accept everything, believe nothing. And thirdly, accept when you're beat. Each episode, Jackson walks several of his good friends through a loosely researched or vaguely misremembered ghoul, fable or spooky mystery and we have to come up with our own theories on what really happened. A graffiti message related to the mystery appeared on a wall

which read, Who put Bella down the witch helm? Hagley Wood. Nobody knows who wrote this. Ooh, that's spooky as shit. Nobody knows where that came from. I'm so spooked. In Russia, as in every country in the world,

there is a large bipedal ape that people talk about, a Sasquatch equivalent. In Russia, it's known as the Yeren. No, it's like one of the classic monster movie things. They're having sex, and that's when the monster chooses to attack. He smells their delicious sex odor. He smells the losing of virginity. Fun fact, all those virgins at home.

Sex smells gross. In 1817, he's in a cornfield hunting and he spies a very strange creature. Hunting what? Creatures? Well, not this creature. Birds, probably. He spies a creature that he describes as looking like a dog with a rabbit's head.

He shoots it several times, as he would. Could it just be a big rabbit? Or a small dog? It's a bizarre phenomenon that only typically appears in England, where people will have a skull that loves a yell. They climb the tree, and they discover in the Sort of like a Y in the tree What looks like A skull

Other times it's just a show mostly about terrible things Done to horses Other than that the boy he doesn't speak He only says these two phrases I want to be a cavalryman as my father was And Horse horse Alternatively a scientist really wanted to fuck a horse as my father was. And horse, horse.

Alternatively, a scientist really wanted to fuck a horse. Not even necessarily a scientist, just a guy. Maybe, is it potentially possible that I'm seeing a strange creature that we have never heard of before. Potentially. Is it within the realm of possibility that this man

actually just saw one of those boys from Pinocchio turning into a donkey? Spooky as hell. Who's ready to talk about horse death? I don't know, man. I woke up this morning and I said I was, but now that I'm staring it right in the face. When smaller carrion eaters and bugs and stuff are eating an animal that's recently died, what they go for is the fleshy bit. And that's just your junk, your tongues and your eyes. Sorry, people.

Those are the bits that go first. I do enjoy this because this is much better than the usual cattle mutilation problems, which are delicious animals somehow dies for no reason. Eaten. Who could have done it? Who would possibly kill this thing we've bred to be delicious? We live in an area populated by coyotes and also wolves, but who? Why?

Why would these things whose natural habitats are prey, we take this thing that we've bred to be stupid and delicious? And not run and easy to catch. This walking pie. Who would eat a cow? They say, hefting burgers to their mouths. Who would eat this? I don't understand.

So if you want to get mystery blue-balled with us, have a listen to Jackson Bailey Spooks America. The first few episodes are available now on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you get your podcasts from. Or alternatively, subscribe to SansPantsPlus on SansPantsRadio.com or support us through the Bad IQ Boy collection through Apple Podcasts to get immediate access to well over 100 episodes. Get spooked, America.

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