D&D is For Nerds - Stories of The Greyhill Free Company II #2 A Nu Start

Episode Date: November 20, 2021

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Ahem. You're listening to the Sandspants Network. Home of comedy, culture, adventures, and ghosts. Previously on Stories from the Greyhill Free Company All right, Big T, you put on the sausage amulet. Nothing happens immediately. Okay. I thought that'd feel stronger.

You can swim very well with this ring, he says, kind of cryptically. You misidentified the animal, but have absolutely identified the path it's taking. I wave and then stop waving in case that's rude in bear. Yeah, that's a big deal. Why'd they get so big? Oh, that's just greeting you. They were saying hello. Well, I guess that was the BSK.

Let's head this way. You realize after a little while that this is a circle. You are going in a circle. You come back to where you were before. Gradov slowly lowers his spear when he sees Tree Stump willing to die for this spider. That is quite a tale. Gradov calls out, follow me. Excellent.

You walk until you come to what must be the center of this circle. In the center, there's a small clearing area, maybe not very big, like a 30 foot diameter space, not entirely large. Within it, there is a twisted gnarled ancient looking

squat tree. The tree is very different to every other one around it. This forest is mostly made out of cedars and pines, but this tree, well, it doesn't look like any tree you've ever seen before. The bark is a kind of like a slight bluey color and it doesn't have any sort of familiar shape or anything like that. The leaves that fall off the tree have a similar uh bluish color but much lighter so well actually not that similar i suppose a much lighter bluish color almost like a cyan in fact and at the base of the tree slowly seeping out and into the earth beneath it you see

a like a similarly similar to the leaves actually bluish sap is slowly oozing out and into the earth once you step into this clearing area you get like you feel like a wave come over you for you global this wave is kind of like energizing almost you feel a little bit more vitalized here like your connection to nature is stronger you think your spells within this area your spells have a much more powerful effect yeah tree stump when you walk into this area you feel the significance of the of the area but you you don't get you don't think you're going to get any benefit out of it you just know there's significant magics here oh this is special yeah i was gonna say because i allowed to come because i follow uh yeah you're allowed to you're allowed to walk in maybe there's like a moment

where when you like find when you feel yourself stepping up towards the barrier you hesitate and then great of turns to look at you he's dismounting from the elk he turns to look at you any gestures saying that you're allowed in. What circle are you? Circle of Swamp. You feel not only access, not only like a strengthening of your magic, but you feel like you now have, you're able to tap into

other types of druidic circle magic in this place. Yeah. This is a circle of stars, specifically. And that is the circle that Greed of is part of you now have some basic abilities from circle of stars

within this little space you can cast, not that it's going to come up much but within this specific space you can cast the guidance cantrip and you have guiding bolt prepared but once again this is probably not going to become relevant guidance cantrip and you have guiding bolt prepared, but it's, it,

once again, this is probably not going to become relevant. It's literally, literally within the confines of this particular. Yeah. Yes. Huh? Yes.

Um, thank you for letting me into your, your circle. Um, great. It's very appreciative. Please, uh,

have a seat. He says he gestures, uh, just to the dirt, I suppose. Everyone just sits down, kind of cross-legged, except Chantal, who can't in armor. Actually, Chantal and Yayola both wear heavy armor. Both of them kind of take like a,

maybe more like a leg splayed out. You know how someone will sit on a picnic blanket with kind of like their legs kind of one on top of each other and then kind of tucked a little bit. You know, the sort of sit I'm thinking of. Yeah. Yeah.

If you've got really high waisted tight pants or you're wearing a skirt. Yeah. Uh, love is blind, sits cross-legged. Gradov moves about the Druid circle. He seems to be doing like small incantations and stuff to himself as every now and then in between spells and whatnot, he to himself. Every now and then, in between spells

and whatnot, he turns to look at you and asks, there is limitations to what I can do here. I know I'm pretty sure that my original body, as much as I love being very wet,

I think that might be out of the realm of grasp, shall we say. That's okay, you know. It was my face. I like my face. But look, anything is better than this face currently. It takes quite a long time for Grey Dove to do whatever it is he's doing. You recognize, Globble, you the some of the magics it's like he's

basically preparing a a reincarnation spell but like a modified version of it because you're not dead yes basically a spell to give you a new body good yes yes yes just like what happened to that beer lady but yes with less spikes it takes him quite some time not only is this a spell clearly that he must be within the circle he had actually even cast but it's not even a default version of the spell so it's going to take some time

for him to cast this spell it's like surreptitiously casting like Goodberry to like eat and pant the others it's like surreptitiously casting like goodberry to like eat and pant the others it's like don't want to be rude but i am a little hungry while you're within the circle none of you feel the desire to drink or eat never mind not even hungry a little bit while it takes so long that in fact the sun sets and the stars and moon come out within this circle you get a perfect you know how the sky never looks as nice as it does in photographs it looks like a photograph you can see it is so clear for you right now the stars and moons above you can see

galaxies and swirls of color above you you see them shift you can see them so well that you can see them shifting and moving it looks like a light display above you also when the moons and the stars come out the tree begins to like it it it it's a kind of a subtle thing it's not really you don't notice it until it's done, but it looks like there are stars within the sap and within the leaves of the tree. They sparkle just as the sky above you does. Sounds beautiful.

To finish the ritual, Gray Dove gets a wooden bowl, puts it down by where the sap is pooling out of the tree and collects some of the sap into the bowl. He wanders over to you, Globble, kneels down and holds out the bowl for you to drink from. I slurp it up with my hybrid spider-human mouth or human-fish-boy mouth. Whatever's going on right now i don't want to think about it wispy motes of light begin to swirl around you global they pick up speed and more and more of them begin adding and adding and adding until tree stump you cannot see global he is

consumed by light the lights slowly lift him up into the night sky, and then it becomes quicker and quicker and quicker and quicker. And then it's like a shooting star, but in reverse. He shoots up, and you see him arc through the night sky, and then you see him shoot back down. And then it's the same thing, but in reverse. Same thing, but in reverse. As he slowly floats down with the swirling motes of light that begin to bleed off now in reverse, you see that his form has changed. Let me roll.

This is so special. I sort of imagine that it's been, like, the only sound you're hearing is like a... Guapul, you are human yeah i'm so dry oh i got t r huh teeth what ha i like, here at, um, Chantel. I'm like, what do you do with this? I'm very dry, though. Very dry. Very dry.

Thank you, um, Kredov. Oh, my God, I've, I, I have. That's, that, thank you for that. I look down, and immediately I'm, I'm very happy that I no longer have spider genitals. Can I have... Cass, can you tell me a language? Just pick any language. I don't care.

Draconic? Draconic, thank you. All right, that's all. Do I have like a shawl or something? Yes, can I have a shawl or something? It's nice to have a shawl or something? It's nice to have a... Oh, you've got shame now. You've got to cover it up.

Chantal stands up. She has a cape. She takes her cape off and gives it to you. Oh, thank you. Because with the fish, it's only everything is inside. So does it retract? No. Who are you saying that to?

I'm guessing Chantal or anyone. Chantal shakes her head. In my experience, it doesn't typically. Yeah. Yeah. Doesn't get in the way. I wouldn't know, she says. Yeah.

Yeah. I suppose you can find out. And you don't need to be wet all the time. I don't think so. I'm not. Once again, in my experience, actually, you know, once again, I wouldn't know, she says. She pats you on the back. I try and walk, I guess, very clumsily, having gotten used to eight legs.

And before that, fins? Dude dude it's like riding a bike you never really forget how to use two legs oh it's so nice having two legs ah that's so good i stretch and try and fire web uh well your desire for fresh meat is gone but your desire to form a corporation and fucking restrict people's rights has come back. Come back. It's one thing that fish people

and humans share. Corporations and a desire to restrict the rights of others. At least it'll make blending into society a little bit easier. I'm going to have to tell my mother some interesting things. Thank you so much, Grey Dove. I so appreciate this.

Thank you so, so much. You may stay the night here if you wish, Grey Dove. Please, can we? Yes. Do we have the nicest dreams in the whole world? You don't need to sleep either. You just spend the entire night on your backs, all of you,

spend your entire nights on the backs staring up at the night sky. Beautiful. Cass looks so happy. It's so beautiful. Hey, I got a little bit smarter with this new brain of mine.

Technically, I should have actually adjusted that. Your mental stats shouldn't actually change. Just your physical ones. Actually, I don't know how... Hang on, let me look up reincarnate. It doesn't actually say anything. Just older versions of that spell I know were like, physical attributes

change, but mental ones do not. Well, let's not worry about it. Whatever. I guess you got a little smarter for some reason. Yeah, it's nice. Well, I suppose. Bigger brain. You had to go through some things.

You probably learned things. Yeah, that was very refreshing. I guess in the morning, after being well-rested, we'll thank Grey Dove further. In the morning, beyond just being well-rested, all of you reach level 4 oh yeah I feel stronger too

this is very nice I feel reinvigorated shall we say that's nice and now a word from our sponsors the one thing that you're really missing when you listen to dnd is for nerds is that you can't see how hot we are and let me tell you we are smoking but don't worry your prayers yeah they're answered if you search for sans pants radio on youtube you'll find a brand new filmed dnd is for nerds

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subscribe because you love us and watch dnd is for nerds presents icewind daryl zamit yes uh would you like a feat or an ability score improvement i reckon some kind of feat all right much cas is getting a feat i tricked you cas picks for you um cas don't pick feet now that you know he wants that oh i was picking a feat i tricked you cast picks for you um cast don't pick feet now that you know he wants that oh i was picking a feat i was picking a feat for cast yeah we know okay i thought i was tricking you no no no you've been doing this every time yeah all right um and i was gonna pick feet actually you know what just give me just give me a broad ballpark of something you'd like cast to be able to do hmm i'm trying to think um

i would say i guess it's got to be something strength based something kind of like yeah something like yeah strength based which you can do a lot more damage shall we say like you know all right let's go savage attacker once per turn when you roll damage for a melee weapon attack you can re-roll the weapons damage dice and use either total yeah that's good all right and i guess both of you are getting feats cass without without looking at sam it i think that it would be very kind to give uh to give possum over here the ability to get wet once more. What can we give him for wet? I want him to be comfy in the wet.

I think he'll be happier and a happy friend is a strong friend. Sure. I'd rather work with someone who is happy at their job. I think it's good for everyone if we're all feeling joy. I just want this new body to feel like home. Surely there's got to be like, oh, yes, and now you get the ability to cast, I don't know,

either web or, like, wall walking at will. Really? There actually isn't. I can find something that either web or, like, wall walking at will. Really? There actually isn't. Oh. I can find something that gives you first level spells, but there doesn't seem to be any first level spells. I thought this game was about exploring your imagination, living out your dreams.

Right? Oh, wait, here we go. All right. Shape water. Around you for wet times, but you can breathe. Web is not on this list oh but i'll give you the closest thing to jump for to jump in that makes sense oh yes wet from when i was a fish boy and jump from when i was a spider that's how like you know past life memories work. Yeah. Yeah, you remember it's muscle memory, but for the soul.

Yeah. You see wet, you're like, thank God, and then you huff it. You huff as much wet as you can, and you will realize, and you'll be able to spit it out. Oh, you guys don't have that, huh? No gills. And mending to fix your water wings. All right.

So you also get to pick a new cantrip. The 15th one. 1, 2, 3, 4. Thorn whip it is, baby! Alright. You got a shitload of spells now. Yeah, that's pretty cool. And I will update all of your allies as well.

Does big T get anything else, or was it just a That was just the one thing, I think, yeah. Barbarians be simple like that. Yeah, yes, yes, yes. If I can hit very hard, good. I've got shape order twice. Uh-oh. Well, you've got it from two different sources, I think.

So you can cast it twice. Can you? But it's a cat trick. Yeah, because you can cast it twice can you can't yeah because he could cast it oh cass and adam you fucked me don't get mad at me get mad at cass i didn't even know you already had it i was genuinely trying to stick to the fucking script on that one yes we are here we are can i trade out my druid shape water for something else, Adam? All right.

Thank you. He's been through a lot. I think it's only fair. I can learn infestation. I'm going to do that one. Get bugs all up in you. Oh, that's good. That's very good.

It's like because you were a bug. Yes. You were a bug. I was a bug. All right. And that is your potty leveled up. Right. I feel a little bit stronger.

This human body is pretty good, I must say. Oh, you like it? I'm a little bit taller. That's quite nice. I don't know what this stuff is. I start scrubbing up my hair or whatever. Why is this? It's just only here and like the face area.

Oh, no, you come out of that like Neo. I'm bald as shit. Oh, growing hair is going to be an experience. Oh, no. Something seems to have happened over the night. My scalp, it's gone from being deliciously, wonderfully smooth to a little bit, I don't know what this is. Kind of like yours, but short. I don't know.

Am I? It looks like. Oh, maybe they're coming out for the first time. It's itchy. It's itchy. Ew. Oh, it'd be so itchy. Body hair as well.

Oh, my Lord. Growing all of your hair now. Oh. Are you looking forward to so many fucking ingrown hairs? Oh, my Lord. Growing all of your hair now. Oh. But if you've just come out. Are you looking forward to so many fucking ingrown hairs? No, I reckon if you've just come out smooth like Neo, it means that your skin is already really soft and highly moisturised. Oh, good point.

You probably have. When I said coming out like Neo, I mean with no hair. That's it. Not like in the egg goop? Well, you didn't come out of the egg goop. Where'd it come from? It came from magic. So, yeah, so fresh body. Magic can make a rough body.

I mean, it is fresh. If all the cells are new, then that means there's no dead skin for the hair to get trapped under. We didn't roll to see what age you'd be when you came out. Huh. I mean, that seems like something we should do d100 uh actually i think in earlier versions of the spell um for earlier editions

i think it specifies that you come out as like you you are reincarnated as that race in its prime so you'd probably be like mid-20s maybe ish oh That's pretty good. So you could just keep running into the spike, as it were, and be hot forever? Yeah, constantly reincarnate oneself. That's how some druids have definitely circumnavigated that pesky thing called death. Yes, annoying. It is a druidic secret.

So everybody, shush. I won't tell. I don't even know what happened. That shush. I won't tell. I don't even know what happened. That's right. I can't tell. Exactly. If people listen to me, they'd think I'm not telling the truth. I think the gods and nature itself would probably get a bit peeved at you

if you tried to unnaturally extend your lifetime. It's like, yes, not very Druidic, shall we say. It is unnatural. But what if you were being really helpful? Well, then it's probably part of the peps. Well, then you shouldn't need to. If you're being really helpful, nature should just be like, you can live forever, sure.

Oh, that's sick. Thanks, nature. So if you're good enough, you get the reward of never die? There are a lot of abilities that let you not die. Or age, I think, from memory. I don't know if it's in this edition, but there are like two different classes, monk and druid, I think. When you get to like level 20, they're like, you stop aging.

Don't worry about it. It's fine. You're beautiful. You're beautiful just the way you is. Oh, I've got to get used to a human anus. Surely that would be like a fish anus. Oh, no, no, sorry. Did I not explain that? You get given the fish anus, but you're

a human otherwise. Just long strings for this boy. You get given a fish anus. But unfortunately, the fish anus lets you taste, and this body doesn't like the taste. That is not canonical. That is just awful.

He says, thank you very much, Greedove, for your hospitality. I really appreciate it. I'm going to inform Greedove of... I mean, he knows about the whatever that was under the Dwarven temple. And yeah, I guess

inform him about all the other adventure we have had. Oh, you were telling him about the elder evil and the dwarven stronghold? Yes, we got the scary spider. I think we mentioned the elder evil before. Oh, no, you had, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, yes. See if there's any more update on that from him.

But do talk about, like, yes, there's that fey spider that we sent running. And by the way way there is a elder god of frog or something running some incredible place to for the north have you been uh no i cannot say i've ever have i don't get a lot of time outside of the forest i may i recommend if you get a spare of like five or ten minutes It is incredible I am vaguely aware of it I suppose I've met some travellers and what not That have been to or from Can't say I'm interested in going though

Look fair enough It's very enchanting I don't like roofs Ah yes Yes well it's a very big roof. So many roofs. All blacked out, actually. Yes, I don't think I'd enjoy being somewhere where I couldn't see the sky.

Yeah, you can't even tell what day it is, to be honest. Bright lights. Yeah, you lose a lot. Yes. Well, a lot beyond even just physically. I've heard you also lose money.

Oh, yeah, that's what I was talking about. Yes. Not that I care much, but yeah, it doesn't sound pleasant. Anyway, thank you very much again. Anything we can do for you other than gratitude? No, it's alright. Part of the deal, I suppose.

You don't want anything? No, I don't. What would you have to offer me? We've got a terrible ring, I think, that the cobalt made. Oh, yeah. What do you think of this? Do you think it'll turn you into a boat?

He looks at it. He picks it up, holds it for a second, hands it back to you, and he says, I don't really understand those sorts of magics. Yes, that is whatever that is. Yes. Holds no interest for me. Well, if you ever find yourself near the swamplands and the grove of the swamps,

you're more than welcome to enjoy our hospitality. Yes, thank you so very much. And yes, good luck with it all. He mounts back up. I'll lead you out of the forest at least. Thank you. Very appreciative. He you out of the forest at least. Thank you. Very appreciative. He takes you to the forest's edge.

Gestures. You can see outside of the forest. You can see the path that you came from. Well, I can protect you within the forest, but outside of it you are on your own. So good luck to you. There is still a lot of unrest and troubles in the area. I don't know much about it. I am just aware of it.

Yes, we'll go back home and inform our higher-ups. Inform them of the phase spider and the Elder Evil? Yes, yes, yes. And that bird thing. Big bird. But good news, the kobolds, though, taken care of. But the big bird's probably gotten stronger because of it. Vredov seems kind of, like, miles away.

He has kind of, like, one of those distant expressions. He looks out over the grasslands towards where you're inevitably heading and then turns back to you and says, well, if there are any further adventurers coming, I should probably... I don't want adventurers just stomping around my forest. Yes, probably not, yes. Well, if any further adventurers are coming, I'll...

I don't know, I'll set up some sort of messaging system so that they can contact me before they break things that they do not understand. Yes, they are often very much a stressing person. They'll look, oh, they see a bear, and of course their first instinct is always to stab the bear. Never to just, like, let the bear do its own thing, you know? Yes, they're likely to get themselves or someone else

killed. Yes, yes, yes. They just don't appreciate the things that we appreciate. That's not good. Well, he says, I must be away. I have duties to attend to. And I will hunt down that phase spider on its own. Perhaps I will be enough. Good luck.

He nods. All right. Good luck to you, he says. May our paths cross in more favorable circumstances. Yes. He rides back off into the woods. Goodbye. At your final goodbye,

he gives like one last little, looking away from you, like a wave facing, yeah, like I said, facing away from you. He gives like one last wave and then it feels like he kind of dematerializes into air. God, that's cool.

Yes. Cool new body. Do you have a favourite bit yet? I'm quite fond of these, the elbow there. It's very dry, I find, no matter what I'm doing. Quite like the feet. They're not webbed, which is very, again, very, very interesting. I think it's distinctly less funny than it used to be.

Oh, yes, of course. it's distinctly less funny than it used to be. Oh, yes, of course. And I must say, even though it doesn't, I guess, detract or whatever, the penis is very, very fun, must say, must say. Haven't figured out the human anus there. Still a puzzler. Oh, I'm sorry.

I mean, I guess I don't know what the human one's like, but I've seen a fish, and if I'm comparing myself to a fish, I'd pick fish. It seems easier. Can I get you both to roll the encounter dice? Seven. Three. All right. And then on the final day, right before getting back to camp, one more from each of you.

Eleven. Eleven. Matchy. Oh no. The worst number you could possibly get. Both of you rolled an encounter. So let's just push them into one big encounter. Aww.

Aww man, we were joking. We were, aww. But eleven and eleven is I think it's magic. But it's nice magic. The path crosses over a bridge at one point, and just a small stone and wooden bridge. Quite simple. There's a, like a, the river or the stream that it runs over isn't very deep or powerful,

but it would be, it literally would be annoying to go over, to go through, sorry. The bridge is merely one of convenience. The bridge is quite old as well. You can see it's disused. It doesn't get a lot of activity. Standing on the bridge is a giant creature, bigger than even tree stump. God god why did that take so long uh the creature is it's like got a big giant pot belly grayish stony skin wearing kind of like a simple

loincloth the loincloth looks like it's made exclusively out of hairy animal heads like like imagine just as many animal heads as you can a loincloth made just out of animal heads then that's unpleasant in one hand in one hand it has just a big wooden club with jagged spikes, jagged stony spikes stabbed into it. And the other hand is holding onto what could charitably be referred to as an axe. Imagine the first axe ever made. When humanity didn't really understand how to make an axe,

they're like, axe? That is what we're looking at here. The axe blade kind of has many different holes and bumps in it rather than running straight down it kind of runs at an angle as well where obviously it was just like fitted into the bit of wood wherever it could be the creature's feet look a little bit like monkey feet uh well i guess they aren't really feet what monkeys have, but its feet have that kind of opposable thumb sort of nature to them. Finally, and most notably, this creature has two heads.

One head has blue face paint on it, and the other head has red face paint on it. You spot each other at about the same time, it is very obvious, like it is a very obvious creature, so you see it without much effort, but it also has a height advantage for seeing, so you kind of see each other at the same time. You also notice, as you're approaching,

that the two heads, after seeing you, turn to each other, and you can see that it's bickering with itself. Oh, a duck. As you were. Oh, who are you talking to, sorry? It's bickering with itself, so yeah, go on, as you were. Oh, you, sorry, this is before you've approached it. You've just kind of, like, you're within visual range, but not audible range yet. Oh, has it sorry, this is before you've approached it. You've just kind of like, you're within visual range, but not audible range yet.

Oh, has it stopped bickering? As you, by the time you get there, you kind of catch the end of a conversation. Well, I, when I get my money, I'm going to buy all of the big things. And the other head says, you fool, you dumb idiot. If we buy all of the big things. And the other head says, You fool! You dumb idiot! If we buy all of the big things, what will we

do with the rest of the money? Oh, that's a good point. We must save some of the money for more big things. Idiot. Dumb. Dumb. I'm so sorry. Excuse me. So sorry to interrupt you.

But I hear you're talking about wanting more gold, yes? The face with the red face paint turns to look at you. To cross our bridge, you must pay the toll. Oh, how about this? I'll pay you in some very exclusive advice where you can not just double your money, but triple, maybe even quadruple your money. What? So there's a place just not that far north of here where you can go to. And they have all these incredible things.

And you can make 10 times as much money as you are just by standing here. You like games. If they keep talking, we should crush their heads. Yes. No, no, wait. No, no, no. I'll try. No, no. Hang on. Money! One of the hands, the hand with the big club with spikes in it, drops the club

for a second, reaches out, and then makes the grabby motion. Yes, yes, yes. But you see, as a new form of a human, I understand... If you want, you can dart forward and try to grab, yeah? Yes, please. I'm going for the axe, not the hand.

Yeah, I understand. As you dart forward, it's the club, not the axe. As you dart forward, combat begins. They quite clearly think that you're trying to get past them. But as a human with my newfound love of capitalism, I need to explain them. I didn't say capitalism was a human thing.

I said corporations were a human thing. Sorry, my newfound love of... Capitalism is elves. Ah, my newfound love of corporations. And it needs to be, what is more important, gold now or the ability to gain even more gold? You're arguing with a slaughtering brute who is trying to crush Tree Stump's head. I'm letting you know.

Tree Stump has made this a combat encounter. Well done. It's always probably going to be. We could have had a gambling ogre and you've taken that away. I just want you to know that. But I have a bigger problem later when I can deal with a little problem now. How little of a problem is this giant two-headed creature going to be? Find out next time on Stories of the Greyhill Free Company. Thanks for listening.

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