D&D is For Nerds - Stories of The Greyhill Free Company II #6 Good Boy Good Boy Good B-

Episode Date: December 18, 2021

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Home of comedy, culture, adventures, and ghosts. Previously on Stories of the Greyhill Free Company A swarm of locusts is eating crops Once again in the area surrounding Greyhill. The swarm of locusts is believed to be the work of a witch or some sort of malcontent mage. You're going to take the boy who needs a song. You're going to take the locust problem. Yeah, look, let's just do the local boy first.

The swarm of locusts, and then swing up to the castle. You've got to realize, in the last maybe less than a week, Gloppel has become a spider, realized, oh no, he's fucked up, gone to a better druid than he will ever potentially be, realized, like, I couldn't even really identify where the grove was. It took me a bit. He's a half-orc, yeah? Yeah, he's a half-orc.

Okay. Do they go beards? Yeah. I'm going to need someone to teach me. Morimash shaves, though, so... Oh, yes. Well, I will be definitely... If I ever see that happening, I'll be like,

how do you do that? Morimash gestures to the path that he needs to now cut down. He bids you all good day, and then he heads off to Greyhill on his own. It is shocking the amount of wheat that has been clearly destroyed by locust pests. Right. What can you tell us about the locusts?

Locusts have been sweeping through this place for about maybe three, four days now. There have been some other adventure parties come through chat to me as well. None of them have had any luck so far. We think there is some sort of malicious nature to the locusts.

We've seen this sort of stuff before. Or we've seen locusts before, but not like this. This is almost targeted, almost an attack. And the other farmers agree. We don't think this is almost targeted, almost an attack. And the other farmers agree. We don't think this is natural. We think there's some ill magics about it. Oh, right. So this is not like, say, you know,

there's been a period of, say, drought or whatever, where all the grasshoppers come to get it. Yeah, we've had locusts before. This is something else. I've never seen a locust attack an animal like that before. Yes, no, it does sound rather bizarre. seen a locust attack an animal like that before. That sounds rather bizarre. Did you notice anything else happen around the time things got bad?

Did it seem like one bad thing happened and then this happened? He racks his brain. No, nothing that I can think of. Do you know any enemies if you have? As a matter of fact i do uh the and you won't hear it from me but a few farms down uh just back of the direction you came there is a uh one of the farmers there a man by the name of... A man by the name of...

A gnome, I should say. Not even a man. A gnome by the name of Yim came into this area. He's got strange contraptions kicking about, making a noise and whatnot. I wouldn't be shocked to hear

that this is all something to do with one of his foul, foul monstrosities that he constructed. Am I getting the vibe that this man is justified? Scared of change? Is he racist? Are we getting racist vibes from this man? Yeah.

Are we just getting like he's a little bit like racist slash gnomes do some weird things and it's like new technology and back in my day we didn't need that. Is he channeling his fear into... This sounds more like gossip than fact. Right, yes. Oh, right. Okay.

Okay. Thank you. Tree stump, illiterate but still capable of understanding racism. Yes, yes, yes. Oh, that's very serious. I don't think it would be very proper of me. I don't know how to read that, but, you know, I know how to be kind. I was thinking the exact same thing.

Yes, well, we'll definitely go and check out this Yim fellow. All right, so what do you do? We're going to go check out this Yim fellow. All right. So what do you do? We're going to go say hello to Yim. As we're on the road. Oh, yeah, I know where's Yim. Yeah, well, let's go chat to Yim. I'm guessing they might know a bit more of what's going on in the area.

You turn back the way you came, head a few farms back, and you see a – it looks more like a hobby farm than anything else. And you see a, it looks more like a hobby farm than anything else. You know, the sort of farm that you might find in a, like a cheery, a cheery, like rural village in, I don't know, Holland or something like that. Imagine like a miniature windmill slowly turning around. Maybe on the way up, you noticed this and you thought it was very cute and quaint. It's a squat little hovel, kind of almost like a hobbit house with a big round front door but a lot of accoutrements out the front there are a

great deal there is like almost an entire city of garden gnomes out the front lawn gnomes or garden gnomes whatever with like like pointy red hats all in various different leisurely activities, some swimming, some fishing, doing whatnot out in the front lawn. There's the, like I said, the miniature windmill up the back, which slowly turns, and you can see that it appears to be a miniature, but nonetheless functional windmill that is quite clearly milling something as you watch it work. There's like a beautiful little brook that naturally flows through the farmstead.

It's much smaller than any other property. And you see like a veggie patch out the front that extends round the side and into the back. Is this like perhaps the nicest farmstead we've seen? It's definitely the nicest farmstead, yeah. There's a lot of little gadgets as well that just slowly chinkle, whirr, or make other sorts of noises and emit small puffs of smoke. One of them is clearly this, like, imagine like a wheel.

No, a ball, not a wheel. A ball with many grabbing hands on sticks. It's rolling through the veggie patch, and you see the hands are grabbing tomatoes as it rolls through. Another one of them is clearly maintaining a lawn. Like it's a, imagine a Roomba, but it's a lawnmower, slowly making its way along the front lawn. And then there's, so you see like an old looking terrier,

a Scottish terrier sitting on the front porch of the farmstead. One of the other contraptions just is like a box with a stick and a big hand, and the hand is just going up and down petting the dog. That seems pretty useful, actually. A sign out the front notes this as Yim Thimblewimble Farm. Hang on. So this property has not been ravaged by locusts at all? No.

Interesting. Well, I mean, huh. Let's knock on it. Maybe we'll find out what Yim's done to, I guess, avoid their crops being eaten. As you approach the front door, Yayola and Chantel break off to go pat the dog. That's fair. Someone has to.

Honestly, I'm shocked neither of us have done such a thing. Maybe we all break off. Saren also breaks off. She's going to go. She wants to look at the thing that's picking tomatoes i would do the same that it's very interesting what dog is it it's a scottish terrier oh yeah an orcish terrier no a scottish terrier i mean like you wouldn't call it a scottish terrier but that's the type of dog that it is yeah Maybe you just call it, I don't know, is terrier?

Wait, is terrier also a place? I don't know. Whatever. Who fucking cares? Who fucking cares? There's a small county in Kandor called Scotland. Who fucking cares? It's a Scottish terrier.

Look what you've made me do. Yeah, it's my fucking world. Whatever. Good point. Fair enough. All right, fine. It's a Scottish terrier. You've got a little dog island that has all the countries that every dog is named after. Whatever. Fair enough. Alright, fine. It's a Scottish area. You've got a little dog island that has all the countries that every dog is named after.

Yeah. I'll head over to the dog as well. Alright, so no one knocks on the front door. Not yet. Everyone gets distracted. If there's one thing I know about this party is that we're easily distracted by shiny things. And what is more shiny than a dog?

I want to go to the dog. I want to have a chat with the dog as well. I don't want the dog to think I don't like him. That's fair enough. I like him. Yeah, he's very cute. I'll speak with animals and be like, Hello there.

Hello. What's your name there, little fella? My name? Yes, yes, yes. Scallywag. Oh, hello, Scallywag. He lifts his head up a little bit, and there's a dog tag that says Scallywag. Yeah, hello there, Scallywag.

Are you doing a bit of a scratch under the chin? Is that all right? He lifts his head up a little bit so that you can scratch. I give him a little bit of a scratch under the chin? Is that all right? He, like, lifts his head up a little bit so that you can scratch. I give him a little bit of a scratch. Monsieur. The hand makes like a, sorry, the box that is patting the dog. When the dog's head moves, the box makes like a, and then the arm moves slightly so that it's not slapping the dog,

but still patting. Well, that's a very interesting um thing you've got on your back or near your back it's patting on the head oh there's on your head that's very very good is this um actually if you can't speak with animals and as well you realize so the box making the box is making like a a whirring strange clicking noise. When you speak with animals, you hear that the box is, the sound is actually, the box is actually making a sound that animals understand. And the sound is, good boy, good boy, good boy, good boy.

It's like a praising box. Yeah. That's very interesting. You are a very good boy. So your gnome, I guess, is Yim, is that correct? Yeah. Is Yim a very nice gnome? Yeah.

Have you had many locusts around here? No. Yeah, okay, that's very good. So what does Yim do? Scallywag seems confused by the question That's fair Can you tell me a bit more about your day-to-day life, I guess? Like, you just sit out here and get patted by that lovely praise box?

Yeah That's a pretty good life, isn't it? Yeah Do you get many visitors? No So is it just many visitors? No. So, is it just Yim? No.

Okay. So, is Yim and his other family, friends? No. So, other visitors? Yeah.

Right. And they are also gnomes? No. Okay. They're more humans? Yeah.

Right, right, are they friendly? Yeah. That's good. Are they friendly? Yeah. That's good. Are they dressed like, say, perhaps in like robes, like hooded kind of things? No. Are they just like farmhands? No.

Like knights? No. Like civilian clothes? Yeah. Okay. Is it very fancy looking clothes? No. Okay.

So more say like, I like gesture to myself like these kind of clothes? No. Bit more fancier? No. Worse? No. So the same? No.

This is killing me. Why are you asking yes, no questions? I'm so glad he keeps doing it, though. Because it's very cute. So what kind of people do come around? Can you catch their names? Zaymila. The Miller.

Oh, the Miller. Zaymila. Zaymila. Is that a name? Yeah. Okay, cool. Zay Miller. Zay Miller. Is that a name? Yeah. Okay, cool. Zay Miller. All right, and who are they?

Scallywag seems confused by this question as well. Right. What do they look like? What do they look like? What do they dress like? Woman. Oh, right. And is it getting a dress, like a lovely flowing kind of dress kind of thing

or is it more of a academic-y kind of vibe so what kind of dress is it then he, Scallywag looks over at where Saren is inspecting the tomato picking device

with like a with like kind of a pointing gesture with his nose he points at sarin and says oh all right okay and sarin's dressed like in more kind of sarin has flowing garb yeah like a flowing billowing kind of robe which has leather armor pieces stitched into it oh right right and and and And when was the last time that they've popped over? Now. Oh, they're there now. Well, thank you very much.

You're a very good dog. You're a very good boy. Very good boy. I know. He is. I give him a little pat as well. He lowers his head back down to the floor. The machine, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.

Bang, bang, bang. Good boy. Good boy. Good boy. Good boy. That was a very long conversation. Did you learn lots of things? I learned heaps of things. What a shame.

Very interesting conversations. Why would you have learned from the dog? Anyway, yes, yes, very good conversation Very nice Apparently Zim currently has Sorry, Yim has a visitor currently Go say hello

Good idea I stopped patting the dog Chantal and Yayola also stopped patting the dog And now a quick word from our sponsor Yeah, you'll also stop patting the dog. And now a quick word from our sponsor. Joel Zammett here from either the podcast you're currently listening to or some other podcast like, let's say, I don't know, Baseless Speculation, rudely interrupting your good times

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Really, there's never been a better time to search for podcasts, especially ones called baseless speculation. been a better time to search for podcasts, especially ones called Baseless Speculation. Chantel says, we might go around the back. We want to look at the windmill.

Fair enough. I'm a bit torn, but no, I'll stay at the door. You can go look at the windmill. I'll stay here. You look like you want to go to the windmill. I do, but, you can go look at the windmill. I'll say hello. No, no. You look like you want to go to the windmill. I do, but I want to be invited to the windmill.

Are you having this conversation? As we're walking up to the door. Yayola calls. Yayola says, you can come if you want. No, no, like by the gnome. Oh, by him. I want the gnome to invite me. It's nice to invite someone to your house.

We're just going to go look. It can't hurt. We're not going to step on anything. That's okay. I'll meet you there in a bit. All right. They walk around the back. When I'm a host, I get a lot of joy out of inviting people to look at my house.

You're a homeowner, are you? No. No, but if I host an event, it has to be somewhere. I mean, yeah. Point well made. Saren finishes up inspecting the tomato picking machine and is going to join you by the front door. Yeah, knock on the door.

You knock. There is no answer. Well, you first need to stoop down. The door's like a little bit too low for you, but you stoop down, knock. You wait for, I don't know, like five, ten minutes. No answer. I don't think I'd wait five, ten minutes, but

a minute. Is there a window there I can look through? Yeah, there's a little window in the door. I'll look through the window. It looks like the window has been blacked out. So it is like glass, but you can't see through to the other side. There's something like covering it. Is the door unlocked?

You check the door. The door does not appear to have a lock. Yeah. I'll open the door. As you open the door, the second the door begins moving, you hear... When you open the door, several locusts crawl out from the door hole.

Interesting. That's so disappointing. I close the door. Well, that was interesting. Did the dog say they were home? Yes, the dog said they were here. Oh, well, we did take on the mission to fix the locusts. We better go in.

Yes, well, or... So, okay. Did any locusts come out of the door, I guess? A couple, yeah. Yeah, so what are they dabbling about? Yeah, you cannot speak with them. I know. Are they attacking?

Are they doing anything? No, they're just chilling. They're acting like a locust might normally. Can I try and catch one, or at least maybe squash one, and then grab it? Yeah, if you want to try and catch it, you can make a roll for that.

Just flat. Yeah, I say you catch one pretty easily. They're not trying to avoid you too much. Yes, good Let's go and grab Chantal, shall we? And Yaiola You go round the back Chantal and Yaiola step away from each other

You think you interrupted something They I'm so sorry No, it's understandable Everything is so romantic Everything okay? I just hold up the the dead locust um huh yes uh killed it chantelle turns to look back at the idyllic the the the round back of the little house hovel whatever you want to call it there's like a beautiful little pond that has

lily pads on it and you see a great deal of wildlife around the lily ponds like frogs some dragon flies a bunch of ducks and some geese um you can see as well there's like another little machine that is going around uh it's got like a it's imagine two boxes connected by some sort of strange lever the top box goes back and forth while the bottom box has some sort of form of motion it goes around to the uh the ducks and geese all have like little swaddles of eggs around the pond it it will go around to one of the egg groups the top box goes in close and says, okay, and it keeps going. And it just does that endlessly. Whatever its purpose, you are uncertain.

It is a beautiful, with that exception of that machine, it is a beautiful, quaint little scene around the back here. Yeah. All right. So that seems very strange. I think I'm... Okay. Yes. This is happening in the distance Chantal looks at that

Is there a back door? No there isn't It's like a Imagine a hill that has a facade A little hobbit hole This is so disappointing I wanted to be his friend Yeah Chantal draws her sword

Sighing You see there's genuine sadness for her right now. Yeah, I don't want to perhaps make aspersions that say that previous farmer, or the farmers we've spoken to were correct about the gnome, but well... It appears that the previous farmers who spoke to him, that they made aspersions

about the correct about the gnome. Yes, yes. Or, look, maybe whoever was summoning the locusts sent them to the gnome. We don't know. We don't know. We should go in and we should get ready to fight. Yes, we're going to have to fight some locusts.

Okay. Yes, yes, okay. It's just in the background. All right, you head back to the front. Okay. It gets a bit distant. So what is, I guess, useful in terms of fighting

Locus? If I was to say, put a hand on Chantal's shoulder and be like, let's enhance some abilities. Would she need, perhaps, say, some endurance or strength or maybe a bit more grace? Advanced,

intelligent, cat's grace. Not really. None of those would necessarily help specifically in a fight with locusts, especially since these locusts are kind of actually still an unknown entity to you. You're not sure what they're capable

of or what they're going to do. Okay, okay, okay okay okay well i'll wait then and then yes we'll to before casting anything and then you're right well uh i guess we're prepared to fight some i guess chantelle walks up to the door and turns back and says should i it seems stupid but should i knock first i mean mean, I've already knocked. You can knock again, see if anyone's there. I think knocking's good. Chantel pounds on the door, gives it a really hard knock, and then yells,

If there's anyone in there, we're coming in! I give the thumbs up. She kind of braces herself, looks back at you, holds the sword ready in her hand, and then the door opens. Vocasts begin kind of spilling out out a little bit but not a lot and then a gnome uh a gnome sticks his head out well howdy there can i help you yeah hello greetings we're here investigating the locusts um pauses at that. Not going to lie here, Mr. Yim.

You seem a little bit on the look. If I was out here hunting locusts, and as it looks and appears in your particular boat, there appears to be lots of locusts. So I don't want to make aspersions, but look, you look a little suspicious. There certainly does. Perhaps it's best if... You're adventurers, are you?

We're employees. What? We're employees. Sorry, you're going to have to speak up one more time. It's noisy with the locusts. We're employees. Employees? You look like adventurers. No, of the Greyhill We're employees Employees? You look like adventurers No, of the Greyhill Free Company

Oh, mercenary adventurers Well, that's all adventurers I wouldn't call us mercenaries I think life's an adventure I think we're all adventurers Yes, but we are actually professional adventurers I wouldn't say mercenary There's a little bit of connotation there Yes, but we are actually professional adventurers. I wouldn't say mercenary. That seems...

There's a little bit of connotation there that I don't think we definitely abide by. Fine, you're adventurers. We're arguing semantics. For hire, right? What? For hire! What?

For... He, like, steps out, closes the door behind him, brushes off... He's, like like half covered in locusts Right, yes, that's funny For hire? Yes Yes, yes, we've been hired by the local fathers To investigate the local locusts

Whatever they're going to pay you I'll pay you a bit more Hey, it sounded like you were about to say double Well, I didn't I realised I might not be able to promise that So pay double for Sorry, pay a bit more for what? What are you doing here, actually?

Well, I live here What? No, no, no No, no, no You're being None of that You're being true What are you doing here with the locusts? You know what I'm doing here Well, they're not None of that. What are you doing here with the locusts?

You know what I'm doing here. Well, they're not my locusts. What are you doing here with the locusts? They're a person... They're my visitors' locusts. Your visitors' locusts? Yeah. Oh, um... Zia... Sorry, your dog told me their name.

Yeah, Zia Mia. Yes, yes, yes. Your dog told me their name. What? Right, so... Your dog. Oh, you're like a druid or something yes yeah all right well um he spits uh well um uh uh well if you're for her i could pay you well how much were you offered for this gig? The answer is 400 gold. I remember. Well, I mean, look, we were offered 400 gold to shop at Locust, but ultimately, like, the locusts are eating up the crops.

I mean, that's a problem. Well, I'll pay you 400 gold to just walk away, or I'll pay you 500 gold if you'll help, and that'll get rid of the locusts. No, wait, I'll pay you 100, and that'll get rid of the locusts. No, wait, I'll pay you 100 gold. That'll get rid of the locusts. Yeah, and then you can collect the original one. But you have to just help.

You can't hear what it is. Look, I don't really, I mean, okay, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. Yes, we are definitely here to help. Want to leave the world a little bit less and all that? Yes. What's the issue here? How do we help without knowing? Well, I'll tell you what, but you've got to promise you're going to help first.

I mean, look, I promise that we will try in the best of our abilities to help you. You've got to keep this on the... I need people who can keep a damn secret. Okay, yes. We can definitely keep a secret. You can keep a secret. Alright, then. Well, I... That was very easily trustworthy. Oh, alright. If you say you can.

That's good. He looks around, looks left, looks right. Alright, you come in. Don't tell anyone. Just come in. Just come in. He opens the anyone. Just come in. Just come in. He opens the door. The inside of his house must be nice, if it weren't for all the locusts.

It is covered. Every surface is covered in locusts. It is like Bilbo Baggins' house from Lord of the Rings. If Bilbo Baggins' house was ten times cuter, had several machines puffing and smoking about, making all sorts of noises, and was covered in locusts. The machines are either turned

off or have been forced off by locusts gumming up their machinery. Yes. They cook on as well. If you've got an on machine the bug flies into the bug cooks onto it you have to excuse the furnitions he says that's okay um that's fine so what seems to be the problem hang on he says he pulls a lever on the wall next to the door and there's like a squat table in the middle of the entry room that squat table cracks open and there's like a squat table in the middle of the entry room. That squat table

cracks open and there's a set of stairs going down. We'll be able to hear each other down the stairs he yells. That would be great. You're not going to lure us here and kill us right? What? You're not going to lure us into a dungeon

and kill us right? I'll get you a glass when we're done. Thank you. What did he think you said? I don't know, but I'm looking forward to a glass. Of whatever it is that I'm going to get. All right, you all head down the stairs. On the other side, Zim...

Yim, sorry, not Zim. Now I'm saying it. Yim steps through and then pulls a little lever and then the table closes behind you as it closes you feel relief as you can no longer hear the locusts but you realize you are in pitch darkness there is no light in this uh stairwell you only need to deal with complete darkness for but a moment, though, before boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, a set of lights switch on going

downstairs. The tunnel down is very, very steep and very, very deep. Yeah. With a dull red glow, several electrical lamps light the way. You are walking down for maybe a full five minutes

before you come to a small little alchemy room at the bottom the alchemy room has a bunch of furnishings presumably from upstairs shoved in here obviously some like nice delicate or expensive equipment that yim didn't want the locusts getting at kind of just piled about the place but in addition there's like a little table with some squat chairs around it there's a steeping teapot and two cups and as you come down yim goes off to bustle get to to acquire some more teacups also sitting at the table is a woman she's wearing light leather armors you can see it's kind of like probably home i suppose it's a medieval society everything's like homemade but it looks like wild she looks like a like a for lack of a better term, a witch of the swamp, if you will. She is streaked with dirt, her hair wild.

One of her eyes is obviously glass, and when she turns to look at you, you see it kind of like moves a little every time she moves her head, like it isn't sitting properly in her head. She gives you like a kind of cautious look, but when Yim comes in, she understands that you must be friends and she politely smiles showing blackened awful teeth um hello there um my name is glaple nice to nice to meet you i believe your name was she She looks at Yim. Yim looks back and says, Oh, she can't talk.

Her name is Zia Mia. Zia Mia. How do you know her name then? We have other methods of communicating, I suppose. Also, she's literate. I mean, that's not how she told me. So, Zia. Oh, I'm so sorry, Big T.

Oh, by the way, it's Tree Stump. Hello. She, like, nods, smiles politely, and you can see her, she mouths hello. So why can't she talk?

What happened there? Has she always been like that? Yeah, that's my understanding. She's always been like that. Yeah, right. Nice to meet you, Zeomio. Do you prefer to

communicate in pen and paper? Pen and paper has been one of the primary ways for us to communicate, but she also has another method. Zia Mia reaches to her forehead, pulls at her forehead, and it feels like her skin stretches a little bit before... That's interesting. You know how... All right, so you know what a brain looks like, little bit before. That's interesting. You know how. All right.

So you know what a brain looks like, right? Yes. It's all those wrinkled folds. Imagine if you got one of those wrinkled folds and peeled it off your brain. Now, she pulls at her head until coming out of her head, she pulls what looks like a little piece of brain. Like a little brain. head she pulls what looks like a little piece of brain like a little brain like if if your brain was string cheese that you could pull out like that okay she's is she human yeah she's human i go to my own head and just kind of grab at my forehead you hurt yourself right okay that's interesting maybe like subtly so no one one sees, but like, I do try it out.

You maybe wince a little with pain. It hurts, but you can't do it. Okay, so it's not a human thing. She hands the little piece to you, Globble. It looks almost like a worm. It wriggles like one as well. Ah, ah, she says, and she points to her mouth. I put it on my tongue.

She makes like a swallowing sound. I swallow it. Was this a mistake? Find out next time on Stories of the Greyhill Free Company. Hey, I'm George Jimriles, and I'm here to talk about Bookish, my book-themed interview podcast where I get a different guest on every week to talk about their favorite book and what that says about them. It's kind of half about the book and a lot about the guest because I'm trying to figure out why that thing you love is that says about them. It's kind of half about the book and a lot about the guest,

because I'm trying to figure out why that thing you love is that thing you love. So if you've ever wondered, I like this thing. I wonder what that reflects about me. This show is basically me trying to figure that out every week with a new guest. It's kind of half book podcasts and half psychoanalysis session from someone taking some wild shots in the dark. But it's a lot of fun and I think kind of informative. And there's books. Hey there, fellow

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