D&D is For Nerds - Stories of The Greyhill Free Company III #2 Filling up on Goodberries

Episode Date: April 23, 2022

Sometimes non-violent solutions still end in violent conclusions. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem. You're listening to the Sandspants Network. Home of comedy, culture, adventures, and ghosts. Previously on Stories from the Greyhill Free Company You realise it is a giant snail? Except where the shell would normally... Well, there is a shell, but the shell is in the shape and dimensions of a wizard's tower, like a three-storey high tower.

Zia Mia pulls at your clothes. What's up? She waves. She reaches out for like a hug. Oh, I give her a hug. Where are you going? Oh, do you live in the snail? She shakes her head.

It's been really nice to get to know you. She nods. She puts like her hand over her heart and then goes in for another hug, if you let her. Oh, absolutely. As soon as you start knocking as well the sale comes to a complete halt hello uh hello there big d was it how did you know my name i was wondering if you could help my friend i pull out the lantern they're stuck

they're stuck on a little flame curiosity is something that I am oozing as an adventurer, but I'm not allowed to access outside of where I am right now. What if I look around the kitchen a bit and see what's good? There does not appear to be any knives or forks or utensils in here. Perhaps somewhere else in the kitchen there is a utensil for this. Yes, let's go around and have a look. I'm trying to think of a way to burst it without having it go everywhere. It's like chopping it, lighting it up with a hand axe.

You find a space that has lots of pots and pans, and is where all the plates and bowls go, obviously. There's several big drawers. One of them has lots of forks and knives, and another one has lots of cooking implements. Half of them look like torture devices, to be honest. They don't look like cooking implements. Then another quarter look vaguely like cooking implements then another quarter look vaguely like cooking implements but you don't know what they do and then the final quarter are just some basic ones that you would know by sight can i see anything that any sort of knives that are

shorter and fatter and resemble more of a dagger shifting through you could find several yeah maybe just i'd stand it up and sort of tap the top in can i tell the metal on the top feels a bit different no it's hard to tell where you're meant to crack into this thing maybe if we just get in we can figure out how to get that second i try stabbing it straight down I try stabbing it straight down into what a human me knows as a lid with a dagger. Yep, you successfully crack into it. You can make enough of a gap that you can start working the knife through. You open it up.

Inside is a bit of very meaty water and then a rolled up piece of beef. Oh, I un piece of beef. Oh. Oh. I unrolled the beef. It's like a loaf of beef, basically, that had been rolled up and then stuffed in. Have I ever seen... No. ...loaf...

Okay. You have never seen this before. It doesn't really smell like beef. What do you think? It does not smell appealing, no. Maybe this is food for the cow. Oh, I see what you mean. But it's not a picture of a cow eating.

It's a picture of a person eating. Oh, okay. Hang on. Let us try another one saren goes away and comes back with like canned cherries all right we find out if this is a cherry food or if this is cherries okay i stab it the can of cherries flies into your face and smacks you in the nose. You take a point of damage. Oh, I think I did it wrong.

Maybe I hold and you try again. Okay, good idea. Oh, wow. Double 20s. Oh, good. Because that could have ended horrifically. You crack into it. You make the perfect gap that you don't even need to peel the lid off. There's just enough of a hole that you can start pouring them out.

You pour out a can's worth of cherries. Saren experimentally has one. Ooh, that is a strange cherry, she says. Give it a taste. Okay. You know those really red cherries that you get like a big maraschino cherry or something that is not the type of cherry you are used to but it's like i suppose it's a lot sweeter than you're used to maybe you meant to drink the juice you could also you probably definitely had some of the juice with the cherry, like it was on the cherry. The juice is very sweet, not like water.

It's more syrupy. Maybe it goes funny when you... They've done something to this. I mean, they definitely did something to the beef, if that's beef. I do not know. Yeah, I do not know what they've done, but it is very sweet. Yes, it's like a syrup or something like that. Maybe this is what happens to a cherry if you leave it in a syrup for a long time or something.

Maybe it's like a fermentation or something. Then make a dish out of it. Is it alcoholic? She says. Is it fermented? She starts sipping at the can. How do you feel? I don't feel.

If it's alcohol, it's very, very weak. She says. She hands it to you. I take a glug. It's very sweet. Oh, I's very, very weak. She says she hands it to you. I take a glug. It's very sweet. Oh, I like it. I have this tiniest experimental sip of the beef water. It tastes, I guess, a little like a cold soup.

Very watery cold soup. Okay, that's not as good. I don't know if the water is... Maybe the water is just meant to keep it wet. Okay, that's not as good. I don't know if the water is... Maybe the water is just meant to keep it wet. Maybe, yeah. I don't know why you would put it in the water. We can try cooking the beef and that way we replace the sandwiches.

Go, I'll offer everyone some cherries. I'll try and cook the beef sauce, not so... I don't know what this is. Alright, well, everyone has a cherry. Most people are like, ooh, very sweet. Yayola seems to enjoy them and takes a bunch. Beautiful.

I start trying to fry up this log of beef. While you're looking to figure that out, Yayola keeps in the background. You keep hearing Chantel being like, stop it. Stop it. As Yayola keeps being like, just one, just have another one. They're nice. They're nice. You don't like them?

Too sweet for my taste. I don't have much of a sweet tooth, as it were. Oh, come try the beef. No, I'm good, thank you, she says. It might not be beef. We don't know what it is. There's a picture of a cow on the front. It's the only reason I thought it.

No, there's no picture of a cow on the front. It's the only reason I thought it. No, there's no picture of a cow on the front. There's a picture of a cooked bit of beef. And then it's on a plate. It's the beef. It looks so much nicer in the picture. But it's on a plate. And there's a man in a suit and tie with a jumper. And he's got a pipe in his mouth and he's cutting it

with a knife in front of a family oh it's very it's a very norman you would not know this but so that cas understands what big t is seeing it's a very norman rockwell type scene perfect i look at the can and think i could do this for my family i want to live this life and i i am inspired on you to keep frying up that beef speaking of norman rockwell damn it can you please roll me two encounter dice why yes i can the first day you spend without any issues the badlands here are places are no-go zones basically so no nothing's going to bother you out here but uh five and twice and a three the first day goes by uneventfully can i get you to roll it one more time and 11 and a three all right so as uh as the Badlands slowly give way to Grasslands,

the Grasslands in turn slowly gives way to Forest. There's kind of a point, though, where Badlands, Grasslands, and Forest kind of intermingle. It's not a very thick forest. It's not a very lush Grasslands, and it's not a very barren Badlands, but it is all three of them intermingled and sparse together. It is around this point that... Odds or evens?

Evens. During the night, one of you is on watch. Who would take, between you and Tavritine, who would take first watch, let's say? Again, it would be a flip of the coin, really. I think I'd probably take second watch. I've been running all day. Yeah. Sure.

Things can never just be easy, huh? No. Not allowed. They just really can't. Apparently they can be. It's just Adam picked no. On your watch, Global, you notice as several shapes begin slinking in the darkness around you.

Okay. I will. Let's see. Quickly cast Speak with Animals. It's where the forest meets the... You're going to quickly cast it, not ritual? Yeah. So it's where the forest meets the Badlands, yeah?

Yeah, the forest and Badlands touch. There's also, like, I would say that there are sparsely populated centres of trees every now and then. And then a lot of grasslands and a lot of Badlands in between as well. I'll kind of, like, kick Tavitineine awake but as i cast it like hello who's there are you speaking as animal or are you speaking as in common uh i guess hello in common and then in animal um who's there? There's no response immediately. And then walking out of the darkness into the light of your fire, you see a hunched figure. If they were standing upright, they would be nearly as tall as Big T. But hunched over, they're probably only as tall as you. Nonetheless, they are an imposing figure.

as you nonetheless they are an imposing figure it's a as if a hyena had managed to stand on its own two feet and dress itself in the morning global you know that this creature is a gnoll you don't know a lot about gnolls but you do know that they are with a goblin or a similar creature with a goblinoid creature, you can, there is some, there is some measure of understanding. Goblins live in a very different society to humanoid creatures, but nonetheless, there is like, they, they love, they live, they laugh, they bleed the same color as you. At the end of the day, when you meet a goblin, you get the understanding or you understand that there is like an idea there where they they're just a dude doing what they're doing and there's a goblin doing a

goblin thing and it's fine yeah their society often pits themselves against human society in the same way the human society often pits themselves against goblins gnolls are a completely different issue gnolls you don't know exactly where gnolls come from or why they act this way but gnolls burn and kill and consume you cannot reason with a gnoll a goblin you can reason with a goblin will turn tail and run if the fight looks bad a gnoll a gnoll will always fight to the death okay well with that in mind and hopefully i've woken up um tabatine uh so i know there's no reasoning here so again i'll just huck an acid arrow at it and prepare for the worst oh i would say though that this gnoll does not look in it this gnoll is ready for though, that this gnoll does not look... This gnoll is ready for a fight,

but this gnoll is not moving in to engage. Okay. Can they communicate at all? Yeah, they speak... Sometimes speak common, but they have their own language. Hang on. Would this one speak common? No, this one does not speak common.

When it approaches you, you see that it has... It's got like a loin cloth like a basic loin cloth some hand wrappings but the loin cloth is held up by a belt made out of two arms that wrap together and the fingers interlock incredible you do not think that this knoll is going to be friendly but this knoll when you hasn't attacked when you start speaking it also starts speaking in its own language in gnoll uh i kind of run through like any language i speak it is very quickly like blah blah blah like it's draconic drudicic, elvish. Tabertine, you run through all the languages you know. It replies once again in null, not really seeming to understand you.

Tabertine steps up beside you and issues a low... It kind of scares you to hear that coming out of Tabertine. And a bird beak. They exchange a few words. Tabertine turns to you and says, They want food. Dammit here from either the podcast you're currently listening to or some other podcast like, let's say, I don't know, Baseless Speculation. Rudely interrupting your good times to tell you about another podcast I do called Baseless Speculation. Do you often find yourself looking at a new Spider-Man trailer and thinking to yourself,

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I wonder what they're going to do there. Why do these plumbers keep jumping on turtles? Us too. So we made a show about it where we baselessly speculate on upcoming films, TV shows and more. So join me and my beautiful co-hosts Jackson Bailey and Joel Dusha, who you might know from either this very podcast or anothery on baseless speculation. Available on iTunes, Spotify, Amazon are doing a podcast thing now. You can find us there if you'd like.

Google? They have Google Podcasts now. Really, there's never been a better time to search for podcasts, especially ones called Baseless Speculation. Right. I think I know what they want, but I... You think to yourself for a moment, they? You only see one.

Yes. I think I know what they want, but do we have any other meat? Did we maybe catch anything during when we were making camp? And if not, I'll start either casting Goodberry. If you cast Goodberry, that's going to be a spell. You don't know how they're going to react to you casting a spell. Right. Tell them that I'm going to make them some food.

It'll fill them up, and then we can be on our way. Tavitine issues that low. Again. The one gnoll that you can see holds itself upright and then waits and looks expectantly at you. I cast Goodberry. All right. Create 10, I believe it is. Sure.

And I hand them all to him. And I hand them all to the gnoll. If you approach with the berries outstretched in your palm, the gnoll does not take them. I would give them to Tabitine. Either give them to Tabitine or say to Tabitine, these are probably not what they want to be eating right now, but

if they did consume them, they would be very sated. Can you tell them that? He nods. He takes the berries and tries to hand the berries to the gnoll. The gnoll leans over, sniffs them, and when he sniffs them as well, he needs to come a little closer to come sniff them. And you see that his muzzle and his face is covered in blood.

It doesn't look fresh. It looks like he killed an ape maybe a week ago and just didn't care to clean himself up afterwards. Yeah, of course. Why would he? He leans over, sniffs them, and then, looking you dead in the eyes, Tabertine looks around at you and says,

no, he doesn't say anything, he just looks back at you and shakes his head slowly. Can I try and either help, either persuade them, just to give them a try? You can... Hopefully we can give this gnoll the goodberry shits. You can do it...

You can do it with disadvantage, because you don't speak the language, you're going through Tabertine. Yeah. The gnoll eats one, then eats a second one, then eats a third, then eats all ten. Tabertine looks back and says, make more. I make another?

It eats all ten. While this is happening, you spot two more gnolls slink out from the darkness. Okay. Can you make more? I can make I can make 40. I can make 40 of these. Well, are you going to make

Alright, so are you going to cast the spell again? Yeah, I'll cast the spell again. It eats another 10. More, says Tabertine. Tell them how many do they need to eat, and basically like... One should have been enough.

Glovel, you don't think they're going to be satiated by this. They're eating, but they're not getting full. Or they're full and they don't care. Tell them that's enough. Tell them that's enough. Tell them we've fed them, and we don't want any trouble. Tell them that's enough. Tell them we've fed them and we don't want any trouble.

Tell them that's all we have here. Tell them that. Tavartine turns around to that lead one and in a low response, the gnoll stands up and now puts itself at its full height so that it's nearly as tall as Big T. And then with impossible speed, it lashes downwards, its maw opens, and it tries to wrap its mouth around Tabritine's head. Let's go to initiative.

I was so ready to let you waste all of your fucking spells and then start the fight. I know. Nearly. Who would you like to act with? The gnolls. It is not Tavr Time. The gnolls act first. The big one.

Yeah, the big one's just going to try. It grabs. Big one. Yeah, the big one's just going to try. It grabs. It tries to grab and then crush Tabertine's shoulders and try to fit Tabertine's head in its mouth. Mm-hmm. One of the gnolls' mighty paws, you can see,

is crumpling through Tabertine's shoulder. Tabertine makes no noise, but you definitely hear his collarbone pop. That's not good. And then... Head in mouth, head in mouth, head in mouth, head in mouth, head in mouth.

Tabertine takes a further six points of damage as his head in mouth, head in mouth, head in mouth. The other two gnolls lash out at you. They, instead of using, they are smaller physically and they don't have that cool belt.

So they use spears rather than their hands and mouth. One of them darting forwards lashes out at you with its spear. You manage to dodge that blow. No, no, go away. You dodge into the second blow. The second spear stabs you deep in the thigh. You take six points of damage. It's like, aha, can't hit me.

You didn't even move. You didn didn't even move You just held that out Globble, it's your turn And you obviously control Tabertine It feels unearned Well, the person that just speared me I'm going to cast Malf's Acid Arrow If you do that, you'll be casting it

at disadvantage, because you're in melee range All my that, you'll be casting it at disadvantage because you're in melee range. Well, all my spells I will be casting at disadvantage, right? At this specific guy. If you make a ranged attack in melee range, you do it at disadvantage. I see.

I see. In that case, my produce flame, that's also at a range because I huck it. The person that didn't stab me, that I missed, I will huck. You're in melee range of both of them. Of both of them, you say? The only one who's not in melee range is the lead one who's fighting Tabber Time.

Yeah, all right then. I guess I'll help out Tabber Time. Acid Arrow at that one? Yes. You fire an Acid Arrow. You fire an acid... Oh. You fire an acid arrow, or you try to. That doesn't make sense.

If I change places... Wild magic! Yeah. Yeah. Roll twice! Oh, no! Roll twice? Roll twice!

Fuck. On the table. Roll... Roll twice on the wild magic table, no. Roll twice. Roll twice? On the table. Roll twice on the wild magic table, baby. Oh. It is a evocation spell. This can only go well. Oh, yeah. Dude. The target now has a phobia of fire.

That's useful. 46, yeah, that's not so bad. You'll find out that one later. Oh, no. So as you reach out into the weave of magic to create the acid arrow, you see it like splay out in front of you. The many strands connecting you

to your target and you pull at several you're with both hands like a harpist playing uh the harp you reach out and collect several of the strings to pluck them when you do that though one of your fingers awkwardly just misses acid in the magical weave and dips into fire instead is much better you flick that string by accident and realize immediately your mistake the spell was not designed to work like this and you have messed up a balance the spell the the string of fire between you and your target snaps, recoils backwards, and you feel a deep, awful burning sensation in your heart. It slowly fades away,

but you can see it do the same thing to your intended target. Oh, that's useful. And the other one, I have no idea what happened. I just think one thing happened. Great. Good, good. Okay, well, Tavotime is going to... How much can he do?

I guess punch his way through, a flurry of blows. That's his monk thing, yeah? And if he can do that necrotic damage stuff he does. Yes, yes. First attack, hit. Second attack, hit. hit third attack hit time for time with his head in the gnoll's mouth just starts with his palms starts just wailing into the gnoll's chest yes yes yes yes yes yes yes good good good good good good good oh boy he does 36

points of damage to that gnoll whoo that gnoll dies that gnoll very he dead that's the best news uh he crushes through that gnoll's chest cavity and then keeps going because he can't see what's happening he doesn't know to stop until the gnoll's stomach is touching his face inside the mouth then he realizes he could stop and takes a step back as the gnoll slumps backwards best news best news then it is the gnoll's turn again those two gnolls in melee range attack again okay they don't get distracted by maybe a fresh kill that they want to eat? No, they do not. Damn. They're pretty intent on what they see as their meal.

Both of them stab you. One of them deals seven points of damage and fixes you in place as the other one stabs you and deals a further three points. Why do they keep going for mostly the face? What would you like to do? It's your turn. Right. Well, I would like Tavitine to come up from behind

and just flurry of blows on one of them. Alright, would you like him to use his also hand of harm? No, that seemed to be overkill that time. So let's just... Hit. His first attack deals six points of damage,

which that gnoll is still standing. Second attack, hit, deals a further six points of damage, still standing. Third attack, hit, deals a further six points of damage, still standing. Third attack, hit, and that's seven points of damage. That gnoll is still standing. Damn. He does the same thing into the back of that gnoll's head. The gnoll just turns around and looks pissed. And can I take a step back

and not get stabbed no unfortunately you cannot okay then and i will try and um i'll try an acid uh arrow the one that um is wounded don't use fire this time yes it you point a finger pulling at the weave with your other hand, trying to fire an acid arrow at the gnoll. As you do so, the gnoll grabs your finger and wrenches it upwards. Your acid arrow flies into the sky. They don't like that. The gnoll looks at you and licks its lips.

I don't like this one. Their turn. its lips i don't like this one their turn hey one of them turns their attention to tavertine and misses the other one gets you again though make it once again another six points of damage going for the cheek you are still in melee range of both of them but one of them is paying more attention to Tab or Tyne now. Yeah, well, I will try, and finally, come on, let's get this. As it seems to be going badly, let's try.

Let's try my dagger. Fuck it. Okay. Who do you want to stab? Get my dagger out, and just try and stab him in his face. The wounded one? The one that's at, yeah, the one's at me, basically. They're both at you. Oh, isn't one on me? Another one's at

Tabotine? The one attacking me. Okay, so the wounded one is the one that's dealing with Tabotine right now? Yes. That would also have been the one that wrenched your finger upwards. There's another one. So imagine it's a line. It's Tabotine, first gnoll facing each other,

you looking both directions, and then a gnoll behind you facing you. Okay. Well, if the one that grabbed my hand, I'd probably go for him. Okay. You stab him in the back as he faces Tavritine, dealing five points of damage.

That takes him down. Okay. That's what you want. You stab that gnoll in the back of the head That takes him down. Okay. That's what you want. You stab that gnoll in the back of the head and he collapses. As he collapses, just lock eyes of Tabertine. Do you mind? Tabertine nods.

He moves in. Would you like him to flurry of blows again? Yes, I think he'll fly over me and flurry of blows. He does a flying kickflip. My god, he's so impressive. Very cool. Oh, that, he fucks it. The flying wind kick,

the flying wind kick hits you instead. If you could just move, oh, and not me. Ah, that was my, once again. You take four points of damage as Tabertine accidentally kills you. Sorry, he grunts. Oh, he's fine. his second attack is a hit his third attack is a miss he deals a meager five points of damage okay to the null yes to the null yes okay good good good good and it oh did you? Yeah, you stabbed. All right. It's that gnoll's turn. That gnoll attacks Tabbertime.

Hits. Dealing Tabbertime. Eight points of damage. The first time he's gotten... No, the second time he's gotten... No, yeah, he got... Head in mouth. Head in mouth.

Head in mouth. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. And that puts it back at your turn. It's just the one gnoll now. Well, this time, can I take a step back still? No, you still can yes, yes, yes. And that puts it back at your turn. It's just the one and all now. Well, this time, can I take a step back still? No, you still can't. I mean, you can. It's just an attack of opportunity is all.

Or you can disengage, which takes an action to use. I'm feeling pretty garbage, actually. Actually, no, I will cure myself. I'm going to cure wounds. Okay. Yes, as a second level spell. Would you like Tabertine to just do his stuff? Tabertine, you do your thing.

I just need to take a quick breather. Tabertine misses on one blow, but then smacks the gnoll in the side of the head, spinning him around, dealing seven points of damage. Yeah, very nice. It's the gnoll's turn. The gnoll in the side of the head, spinning him around, dealing seven points of damage. It's the gnoll's turn. The gnoll stabs right back. Misses, though.

It's your turn. I will. Now, just grab my dagger and go in. It worked last time, right? Yeah, look, sometimes you rely too much on spells. Honestly, sometimes all you need is a knife to the job. Knife and some perseverance. Exactly.

You stab at the gnoll's chest, you drive the dagger deep into the gnoll's chest, but realize you only sink it into their human leather armor. I've got the... It's the gnoll's turn. It's going to attack you Tabatai, do you want to get in there? Quickly? No, he didn't

Yeah, that's the last turn He misses twice Tabatai, do you want to? Oh, fuck Never mind The gnoll stabs you in the belly Six damage I'm too careful not getting the face

This one... When you're this close, it starts snapping its jaw, trying to eat your nose. I'll try to stab up, if I can. You stab upwards, hit him, dealing six points of damage. Good. And Tabertime also... Tabertime, please, do Cute. And Tabertime also obviously...

Tabertime, please, do your thing. Tabertime. Tabertime is slowing down. You can see that that shoulder injury has started really fucking him up, and every time he moves his right arm, you can hear Tabertime wince in pain. Oh, he did not looking...

It's the Nolspam. All right, did not look in... It's the Northbound. That's great. All right, no. That's a critical hit, my friend. It's like distracting looking at Tabatine. Oh, your army is not... Oh, wait. Double damage, and you're going to need to make a constitution-saving throw versus disease.

Wait, I'm good at... Oh, I'm very bad at these. I suppose we'll find out just how bad I am next time on Stories of the Greyhill Free Company. To be continued... fabulous eyes. Well, thank my lucky stars, those fucking maniacs went and wrote a book adapting the Atticus campaign, the one with the airship and unhinged gnome. Just head to sanspantsradio.com slash shop

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