D&D is For Nerds - Stories of The Greyhill Free Company III #3 Delusions of a Happily Married Cow

Episode Date: April 30, 2022

I like to think we're eternal optimists. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem. You're listening to the Sandspants Network. Home of comedy, culture, adventures, and ghosts. Previously on Stories from the Greyhill Free Company. It's as if a hyena had managed to stand on its own two feet and dress itself in the morning. Globble, you know that this creature is a gnoll. Gnolls, you don't know exactly where gnolls come from

or why they act this way, but gnolls burn and kill and consume. You cannot reason with a gnolls come from or why they act this way, but gnolls burn and kill and consume. You cannot reason with a gnoll. Tell them that I'm going to make them some food. It'll fill them up and then we can be on our way. And then with impossible speed, it lashes downwards, its maw opens, and it tries to wrap its mouth around Tabritine's head. Let's go to initiative.

No. Because he can't see what's happening. He doesn't know to stop until the gnoll's stomach is touching his face inside the mouth. When you're this close, it starts snapping its jaw, trying to eat your nose. Try to stab up.

Double damage, and you're going to need to make a constitution-saving throw versus disease. Wait, I'm good at... Oh, I'm very bad at these. That's 10 points of damage. Could be worse. That's true. And you need to make a constitution-saving throw. Oh.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. I'm just going to say that you have the poisoned condition, which means that you have disadvantage on attack rolls and ability checks. You feel horrifically sick.

That's, they're not good. Okay. That, I'm, that was its good. Okay. That was its turn. Yep. It's yours. Tavortine, can you just... I need a minute.

Tavortine does what he does best. Missing. Tavortine has fallen back. His left arm is still mostly good, but his right arm is now just hanging listlessly at his side you can see that he can't use his right arm anymore i'm going to uh if can i uh yeah i'm going to disengage okay you move back and try and get as far away from this knoll as possible putting myself in putting tavertine in the way basically it's the knoll's turn the knoll switches targets

to tavertine that's something It stabs Tavertime. Oh, sorry. He takes seven points of damage. Oh, no. He's in trouble. Okay, well, I'll get Tavertime to get him as much as he can. Get him. Wow. Yeah,

Tavertime misses. Tavertime's slowing down. You can see massive blood loss. Tabertime actually looks... You're looking at him now. You see his broken shoulder. You didn't realize it before, but he's bleeding from the neck. It's not good.

Jesus. Um, you hear? Yeah. I'm going to cast Frostbite on this particular creature. Oh, I didn't know you had Frostbite. You know you didn't need to move away for that spell. It's not a ranged attack spell. He just needs to make a saving throw.

So, same with infestation. He passes the saving throw. God, if this gnoll brings you down, you're gonna get it! I know. I'm backing up as much as I can to put some distance between me and him. Alright, he misses Tavertine. That's good. Thank fucking

Christ. Tavertine claps back. Okay. Alright. Tavertine's first attack misses and then... God damn it. He throws all of his weight into just basically slapping with his useless arm, and it connects. Tabertine's claws manage to scratch the shit out of that fucking gnoll, dealing four points of damage, literally just enough to put him on zero hit points. The gnoll keels over backwards and hits

the dirt tavertime collapses forwards right i rush to tavertime and try to to okay he's breathing really heavily and still bleeding profusely from his neck um i try and patch up his wound as best i can you do so um yeah um just hang on a second why do i keep doing oh you're poisoned as well yeah you fuck it up you you um all right you misjudge what's happened to tabra times clavicle you think oh it's just been broken inwards right and then it's stretched outwards. But what you haven't noticed, or what you couldn't have known, is that when it broke inwards and then stretched back outwards, it didn't reset to its normal position. They were misaligned.

So when you braced it, you pushed his clavicle into itself. I could lie. That was not good. It doesn't deal any extra damage, but Tabertine is in agony right now. Sorry. You're not gonna like this. I'll be right back.

I want to go to the head gnoll. Yeah, sure. His stomach, he got punched open, yeah? Pretty much, yeah. Can I search through his stomach Pretty much, yeah Can I Search Through His stomach

To grab the remains of any good berries Let him You can, sure Do you You find It got mushed up, though. It's 30 good berries. I was just gulping them down.

Give me highs. Yes, yes, yes. You find, like, a pasty bit of good berry. Okay, okay. Okay, well, I grab that as much as I can, and I go and I kind of make sure, you know, Tabertine can consume that. Just like how he was, I'm assuming,

a baby. Tabatine was not, like, cognizant enough to watch what happened. So when you push something to his beak, he just eats it. He gags and wretches on it, but he eats it. He doesn't know what it is or where

it came from, but he accepts that you are trying to help him. Okay, that will at least heal you a little bit? It offers no healing. Aww. You just made him do that for none. You're mean, Adam. The magic had been discharged, dude. I rolled really low and you said highs.

The magic had been discharged. Okay. Is he looking like absolutely if i don't attend to him he is on death's door or is it just like what's he looking like he's pretty badly wounded yeah you you just don't think you can give him you don't even know if he needs medical attention you fucked up your role pretty badly you don't know what's going on you might not you actually might not even know that you fucked up fixing his clavicle okay okay all right um i know uh i just need to i need how how how short can a short rest be one hour okay i see you it's just

i need you to just kind of do it basically do a short rest as much as there's just like i need to i need to calm hang on by my still hopefully like looking out for to have a time but do a short rest. As much as there's just like, I need to calm, hang on. Still hopefully looking out for it to have a time, but do a short rest, which means I can recover some spells. Combined level of up to two, whatever that means. So you can have two first level or one second level. Excellent. And I will have two first level spells. He's not bled out?

No, he's not died in this time. Okay. I'm going to cast Cure Wounds as a first level spell on him. Tabertine's shoulder fixes itself somewhat and you see some of the blood loss stops. He calms down a little bit, but he's still in a lot of pain.

Look, that's fair. Are you okay? He nods slowly. I'm on four hit points. What's he like? He's on 16. Look, I'm going to give myself a little bit of a pep and I think we need to rest. So I also

try to heal myself. Okay. Right. Is he mobile or is he just lying down? He's just sitting up against the tree, breathing slowly and a little raggedly. Okay. I try to get up. I head towards the gnolls.

I inspect them to see if they've got anything. I loot them at them. All right. You turn them over. Inspect them to see if they've got anything. I loot them at them. You turn them over. Inspect them, see if they've got anything. Any more wondrous items in their stomach cavities. Wondrous beautiful items. And as I'm

inspecting them, I'll drag them into a pile because I will burn them. Sure. That might attract more though. I won't burn them just Sure. That might attract more, though. I won't burn them just yet. This is a message for all the seasoned and aspiring DMs out there. Do you wish to treat your players like the common dogs they are by rewarding them with treats?

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like they were wearing some basic fur or hide armors but it's not really pleasant to look at it doesn't look like cured hide like it looks like they skinned a cow and are wearing it I hope it's a cow

good good good yep great great hope it's a cow. Good, good, good. Yep. Great, great news. There's a tattoo on it. Like a little heart with mum in it. That wonderful rebel cow. Yep. That cow loved its mother.

Yes, it did. Pink, pink cow loved its mother. Pink cow. Pink cow loved its mum. Yes. You go through them as well. You find some shitty spears. Two of them had shitty or You find some shitty spears. Two of them had shitty orc-crafted spears.

Do you need a reminder of how that works? They were double damage, yes? Double damage, but they break. Okay. Yes, yes. That could might be useful at some point. In addition to that, you find... Nine gold. That could might be useful at some point. In addition to that, you find nine gold, six silver in a pouch.

You find a ring with a little diamond in it. Probably belonged to that cow. You find a simple gold ring. Probably belonged to the cow's fiancé. You find a necklace pendant, a little like locket thing that you can open up to look inside. Oh, I do. Probably just a picture of the cow's grandmother or something sweet. Inside, you see there is a tiny little painted portrait of a man and a dog.

And then in the other part of the, like where the other picture would go, there is instead a little description that reads, to my beloved and my beloved's beloved. And then just like a little XOXO. That's probably from the dog, right? That's probably from the dog's fiancé. Yeah. Yep. Then, in addition to that,

you find, just outside of your camp range, like looking around, you see that they brought like a little sack with them. You open up the sack and then close it immediately. It is full of parts. Okay, that one I can definitely burn that one later. It'll bear up areas.

It'll burn it. I don't care. Yep, okay. And they brought nothing else with them. Cool. This is nice. This is good to know. The little pouch that you got all of that equipment out of

came from a belt that one of them had tied around their waist. It looks like they just hadn't removed the belt. Oh, sorry, they hadn't removed that from the belt. That you got any loot from this is purely coincidental. They clearly didn't care to loot their victims. Well, yes, why would they? They're cows.

Yep, nothing to loot on a cow. They were just after food. Just after cow. Right, well... Well, if it makes you feel any better, in the bag, there would be parts of cow as well. No, no, it's all cow, Adam. Yeah, but extra parts of cow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Additional cow of more cow. Additional cow parts. Yeah. You'd find a lot of livestock among other things. Yeah, mostly more livestock. Perhaps a sheep. Livestock among livestock.

Yep. Yes. Yep. I, um, yes. Well, um, if Tabata is having a sleep, I'll make sure that he's comfortable. Check on our, I guess, cargo and make sure that has not been nibbled. And then, I guess,

continue my watch and hopefully have this long, long deserved rest. The rest of the night goes on eventfully. And the next day, you arrive at the Druid's Circle. The Druid's Grove, I should say. A Druid's Circle is what a group of Druids are called. You arrive at the Druid's Grove, or grotto, if you will.

That beautiful blue tree awaits you there, but you do not see Farah Rash here. Did that poison maintain, by the way? Or does it go away? Hang on one moment. Just wondering, I need to have basically used a spell to get rid of it. Do you have a spell to get rid of it? Yes, if I would have inspected myself I would have gotten restoration

Yeah, you, the next day, would have noticed that the wound Had taken on like a sickly green appearance Just around where it was If you like cleaned away the wound Yeah, it looks infected Yes, right Well, it's lesser restoration Which I think does deal with some poisons, and I will

definitely cast it on myself, and I'll well, load ourselves up and hit off. Yeah, that day, you arrive at the Druid's Grotto. The tree is there, and when you step into the circle you feel like a sense of peace

once again, and in the daylight, you can't see the stars above you, but you can see the moon. The moon appears in the sky. Moons, sorry. The moons appear in the sky. I will cast... So no one's around?

No one is here, no. I'll lay down Suresh and David, and then I'll speak with animals as a ritual, and then I'll try and speak to any animal that is around. Yeah, there's plenty of animals around. Excuse me, hello. Have you seen Greta? A deer.

As soon as you cast Speak with Animals, a deer approaches you and says to you, He will be coming soon. Oh, right. He is aware of your presence. Fantastic. Great, great, great news. Has anything happened since

we were last here? I do not know. I am only gifted with the intelligence to inform you that he is coming. It's fantastic. You don't know how long. The deer turns around and walks away, giving you a glance over its shoulder. You scared him.

Good luck. Yes, you're great. Thank you, deer. Within the hour, you feel his presence before he's there. Ray Dove kind of almost materializes out of the forest surrounding you great elf um nice to see you again he nods uh i have brought a new friend uh yeah yeah sorry this is this is um tabatine he doesn't talk much. Tabatine bows deeply. Tabatine has probably spent the time waiting, just meditating next to the tree.

After he gives the deep bow of hello, he probably sits back down and resumes meditating. Right. Yes, sure. I don't know if you can help me. I don't know if you potentially can, but you've helped me once before, but in our travels, we made a mistake,

and unfortunately some folk got caught up in our... I was just wondering if you can help us here to right this wrong. I don't know how to repay you if you can or what you need to do, but I will do anything that's needed. Gradov walks past you and kneels next to the bodies. He puts a hand on each of them, and you see that he spends like a moment in meditation with each of them.

He stands back up and says, There can be little gained by artificially extending one's life. True, but she's only a child. It is tragic to die young, but it is also nature. I understand, yes, but what we did, that's us interfering, if we can try. Are you asking to restore balance,

or are you asking to heal your conscience? Can it be both? Gradov considers your words for a moment and then says, they are not from this place, and their people are not kind to these forests. The forests, I am but a messenger of them, an interpreter. I can try, messenger of them, an interpreter. I can try. I can petition.

But if the forests do not want to bring them back, there is not much I can do. She's only... She was young. We didn't... Please? I say this not to imply that I do not wish to reverse a tragedy. All I mean

to say is that the forests... Tragedy happens every day. It is part of nature. It is sad. It is terrible. Yes. Is there anything I can do to help? Anything I can offer?

I know I'm not from this circle. I know I'm from the Psalms, but that was an old body. I know I'm not from this circle. I know I'm from the Psalms, but that was an old body. I can help you. I can join your circle if you need. Perhaps if their connection to this forest could be strengthened, there may be methods to do this.

You will need to commune with the spirit of the forest. Right. Where do I need to go? What do I need to do? When the spirit of the forest is ready to approach you, it will approach you. You cannot find the spirit of the forest. Right. Where do I need to go? What do I need to do? When the spirit of the forest is ready to approach you, it will approach you. You cannot find the spirit of the forest. I would recommend

there is a tree within these forests, not too far from here. I can lead you part of the way. Unfortunately, once again, I cannot take you the entire distance. But I can lead you I cannot take you the entire distance. But I can lead you towards this tree.

Once you find it, there will be, I'm not sure, perhaps a trial. Perhaps you will need to pay some price of some sort. Fine, fine. Whatever the forest wills, I suppose. And then the spirit of the forest should find

you. It could be many trials. This could take some time. And the cost could be great. I'm very aware of that. Also, I need to inform you

about some iron golems that may or may not be coming this way. I want to fill, I guess, Grey Dove in on the iron golem situation, but also our suspicions about Greyhill and basically just, I'm not sure what's happened. He looks horrified at the idea of the iron golems. You can see that genuinely terrifies them.

Yeah, well, yeah. Genuinely terrified of me, I think, is rude. You're like, oh, no, a metal thing? Yucky. So that's happened. It is disquieting news. And I think whoever has got them was using us and perhaps other adventuring groups

to do what they needed. We just never ask. He nods. We just never ask. It is, yes, terrible news. I do not know what that could mean. There is not much I can do, unfortunately.

The Badlands is a cursed place. My powers, my reign, extends only within this forest. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. I guess. I think this would be an expect and prepare for the worst situation. I can't imagine much

good will come of this. Very well. In any case, Tabertine cannot go to the tree. You must do this alone. The spirits of the forest will not speak to anyone but a priest or druid of nature. Yes, of course.

I think Tabertine is, I guess, glanced over. Tabertine remains in meditation by the tree. He's fine. I will prepare the bodies as required, but yes, there's not much I can do until you return from your spirit walk. I must warn you, this could take some time.

You will, if successful, you will probably walk from this domain into the domain of the spirits, of the spirits of the forest specifically. You could be transported someplace like the Feywild or even another type of demi-plane. I know only the nature of the spirit of the forest, not its origin. It could be divine in nature from one of the many nature gods that exist in the wider world, or it could be its own entity with its own denouement plane and its own desires and wants. I know that its nature, at the very least, I can prepare you, I can forewarn you that its nature is hostile to farming, which is why I do not think this would be an easy journey. It does not appreciate the incursions that these people have made upon its lands. It does not appreciate its hunters within its borders,

or trappers taking its beasts. It wants isolation. I do not know what god that could align it with, but yes, I do know that you will if it requires justification, you will need to be forewarned with the idea

that you will need to justify why bringing back to life these people will somehow cause less farming. I'll do my best. I'm wardens of this place, and we

try to make this world a better place than what we found it, and I fear that I have not been doing it as of recent. I would recommend if you have anything of metal, you should leave it here.

In addition to, perhaps, forgive the cliche, your armor and weapons. I have no armor, I don't think. I don't know, actually. I have light armor. I don't have anything of weapons. Yeah, you don't have any armor.

I don't really have armor either. See you. Well. I'm ready to go. Let's just begin. He says he mounts up on his elk and gestures for you to join him. Didn't even have to turn to a horse. Yeah, all right.

I'll jump on his back. He rides you out into the forest. He rides you out. He rides out with you into the forest. Big T, while you are frying up meat in Isaac Newton's kitchen, you hear footsteps coming down the stairs from where Isaac Newton went to.

Oh. You call out? Yeah. It's lunchtime. Why would you be... Are you cooking something? We finished lunch. Isaac Newton arrives at the bottom

of the stairs. What may I ask are you cooking? Or maybe you could tell us. We think it's beef, but we don't know. It doesn't look like beef. Ah, yes. That would be my canned beef. Why are you cooking my food?

Did you say we could help ourselves? No, you did not. You offered us sandwiches. I guess I don't recall ever saying you couldn't touch anything here, but I suppose that might be because I assumed you wouldn't touch anything here. But you did assume. You said we couldn't go into the other rooms because we weren't allowed to touch anything in the other rooms.

Well, also, there are just things that you could accidentally touch without realising. So I thought this was a safe room. What? I thought this was a safe room. I could touch everything. I mean, it is safe. You were so specific about not going into other rooms.

I'm sorry. I mean, it is safe in the fact that you have not hurt yourself. But, I mean, you still didn't really have permission he says oh he's like well you did not not say go in the pantry and she did hurt herself he's like yeah he did smack yourself in the head yeah oh yeah oh i'm sorry did you want some beef um i can put it back no that's fine i mean it's kind of done now it's hard to put it back in once it's out how'd you even get it in in the first place i bought it like that from a vendor on lightning shatters through the sky outside and through the windows all of the lights flicker in the room, and as

Isaac Newton's robes billow around him, he stretches out both hands in a dramatic pose. In the far realms from a vendor of tremendous influence and reach, known

only as Walmart, the traveler. Beach, known only as Walmart. The Traveler. Well, I'd love to go there one day. It sounds nice. It is a terrifying place his house of wares. The likes of your mortal minds could not comprehend his sails. Oh, maybe it sounds dangerous then.

Maybe I'll just go in your pantry instead. Okay. Creatures such as yourselves could only handle the bargains to be found at an inferior place such as Target or GameWard. Look, TreeStump just merely concedes. They bow their little head like, oh, I'm not worthy. I'm not worthy to hear these names. Anyway, no matter.

It was cheap. I caught it on sale, and I think it was past its use by date, he says, holding up the can and inspecting it. Yes, I always do this. I stock up for something I never intend on using or experiencing, such as a harsh winter. I'm glad they gave you a use for it, then. I just wouldn't consume it. It's probably bad. Oh.

Did you have other things you needed help getting rid of? Is this a problem you have? He kind of looks around. I suppose you could help me clean out my pantry if you so wished. Yeah. Are you not illiterate? What? You have to tell me if it's good or not. Are you not illiterate? What?

You have to tell me if it's good or not. I'll do the throwing. All right. Can you read a date? No. No? Not yet. Is it hard?

It would be very difficult to teach you. There's quite a lot of combinations of numbers that a date could be. And you kind of need to intuit it. I can't really rote teach you. You must simply kind of understand what you're reading. It is complicated.

Do you at least know your numbers? Absolutely not. I can draw them with lines. It would be very difficult then. I would not only need to teach you to read i would need to teach you to count i can count i can count i know how to count i can do it with lines i just don't know how to i know how to tell account um i mean hold on a moment the rest of you

can all read correct everyone else in the room nods all right then i will return in a moment he leaves he's only gone like a minute if that you hear him rummaging in the room nods all right then i will return in a moment he leaves he's only gone like a minute if that you hear him rummaging in the next room no actually he stays in this room you know how everyone has the bits the uh odd on odd ends and bits draw yeah he opens his and starts rummaging around in it he pulls out a metal band the metal band has uh like two little um you know you know in community yeah there's that board game they play where it's whose ears do you have uh-huh so you know how that that little bit has like a thing where you hang the ears on uh-huh the headband yeah imagine imagine a band mine that band minus the ears.

So it's like a little band, and there's two little metal plates where your ears would be. Put this on. Me? Yes. Okay, I put them on. Your intelligence becomes 21. Goodness. My, my, my, what have you done here?

What's this fandango contraption? Please, let us go through my pantry. I have a potion brewing upstairs that should help deduce the nature of this curse and how to fix the malady. In the meantime, I suppose you can help me with some chores around the house! I certainly can, but I still don't know how to read. No, you do now.

Oh. You look around and suddenly any written surface, or any surface with writing on it makes sense to you. I am experiencing an awful... This is horrid. Every surface seems to be yelling at me. Why is it trying to talk? It'll calm down in time.

What is it trying to say? Whoa! Everyone goes into the pantry. There's enough room. And you start going through his canned section and checking dates. I dare say this is a touch more efficient than the tally system. Tally-ho to that one, I say. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

There's a lot here. It is deceptively stacked. There's no magic to it. It's just really when you start taking out the cans, you realize there are cans stacked behind them. You take those cans out. Ah, masters of trickery you are

The old me would have never seen past your roots There is quite a lot of cans in the canned section You spend three hours sorting his cans By the end of it, you have a neat little pile of cans that are out of date

Well, I've adequately judged these specimens and I also now know that I shouldn't eat them. Whereabouts would be your nearest recyclement? There's one out the front! I will show you shortly! He takes out like a little pocket watch and inspects it. The potion might nearly be done now, and my manservant might be done adventure-proofing these

bottom levels. I'll get him to show you. Actually, I'll get him to show you the bin and perhaps some other chores that you could perform here on the lower levels. I will return! I didn't know he had a manservant. His cloak billows as he whips around and leaves

What will Big T do with her newfound intellect? Find out next time on Stories of the Greyhill Free Company Adam here, resident dungeon master to the stars. Did you know that myself and Jackson host a show here on Sandspan's Radio where we create and show off homebrew content that we ourselves have created. It's called House Rules. And if you've ever struggled for making your own content, then it may just be perfect for you. Some episodes will come in with stories, classes and abilities that we've already made and tell you about them so you can see where we've succeeded and failed. And sometimes we'll even make the content on air so you can see where we've succeeded and failed, and sometimes we'll even make the content on air

so you can follow along at home and make your own or even improve upon ours. Head on down to sensepantsradio.com and sign up for a king-level subscription today to start listening. Hey there, fellow adventurer. If you're picking up what we're putting down and want more D&D content, we have just what you need to scratch that itch.

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