D&D is For Nerds - Stories of The Greyhill Free Company III #5 Once Again, Mistakes Were Made

Episode Date: May 14, 2022

Glupple's spirit journey doesn't get any easier. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem. You're listening to the Sandspants Network. Home of comedy, culture, adventures, and ghosts. Previously, on Stories from the Greyhill Free Company Your intelligence reverts to nine But do you even know what you've lost? I don't, I have no idea Oh, I was so silly, all the numbers made look different

Dusting, please It takes a broom, offers that to Chantel and says Sweeping, please. It hands a little glass bottle of liquid and a rag to Sarin and says, Polishing, please. You feel slightly exhausted and like you've had a good day's work. Dragon mints, by the way, is just what gnomes call beef. How much hot bullshit

can I throw at you this one episode? You might kill us. It might happen. A gigantic, a simply enormous oak tree. Gradov dismounts and gestures for you to do the same. Yeah, of course.

This is one of three locations in the forest that you will need to visit. You need to climb to the very top. He gestures up to the top of the tree. Up the top of the tree grows a very rare flower. You look up and you see you have a long way to go.

Well, every journey begins with one leap. It's easy going at first. You don't struggle much. Down the bottom it's very thick with branches and all of them are very sturdy. Difficulty wise's it's down down the bottom it's very thick with branches and they're very they're all of them are very sturdy difficulty wise it's just like going up several flights of stairs essentially that's maybe a little tiring but yeah you don't really there's not a lot of skill to it after a little while of climbing you begin to notice that the tree has an abundance of

squirrels yeah the squirrels appear to be watching you as well. As you're climbing up, you notice just at first there's maybe one squirrel, and then two, then three, then four, then ten. And you notice as well that the squirrels seem to be following you. Okay. Well, there was no need to do this as quick as possible, yeah? Not that you know of.

Yeah, right. There's no need to do this as quick as possible, yeah? Not that you know of. Yeah, right. Again, I'll sit down and I'll start casting Speak with Animals as a ritual spell and sort of get more in tune with everything. And as the spell finishes, open my eyes and converse with my new squirrel friends. The first, well, there's a squirrel right in front of you.

When you finish casting the spell, what do you say? I said, hello, hello there. How are you today? Why is the forest colorful? Why is the forest colorful? Well, I guess so we can all blend in. The squirrels disperse. Yeah.

Well, I hope that was the right answer. All right, you keep climbing? Yes. It gets slightly more difficult, but it's still so thick that it doesn't matter that much. The branches aren't becoming more thinly spaced, but you are getting tired. It's a lot of climbing, and you've

been climbing. It is constant climbing, and you have been climbing for a while. As you're climbing, you notice that, well, maybe you hear it before you see it. You turn around, and you see there's a magpie on one of the branches. It, like, turns so that one of its eyes

can survey you very closely. Yeah, hello there, friend. You notice another magpie lands nearby. I have another sit down as a bit of a rest because I guess I've been climbing for so long. And once again, cast Speak with Animals as a ritual spell.

As you're casting it, more and more magpies begin to just appear until you are almost inundated with them. When you finish casting the spell, one of them is really close to you. I open my eyes. Oh!

Hello there, friend. What is the danger of man? The danger of man... The danger of man. The danger of man is that they're afraid of the things that they do not know. The magpies disperse. With many fluttering wings and with many calls,

they all disappear. Or not disappear, but, like, just fly away. You're right. Let's keep going up you maybe that rest did it for you you get a second wind and the final leg of the climb even as the branches begin to thin out both like in between each other but also just generally get thinner and less stable, you find this somehow to be the easiest part of the climb. Magpie has invigorated me. As the branches thin out, you begin to get a good view of the surrounding area.

You are phenomenally high up. There are clouds that are lower than you right now. Well, it reminds me of a time when I could fly. there are clouds that are lower than you right now. Well, it reminds me of a time of when I could fly. Breathtaking. The sheer height that you are at right now puts like a chill to your skin and bones. You're a bit cold this high up. As you near the top as well,

you can see right up the top, the like tippy-tippy top, you see a vine curled around, planted in nothing, just a vine curled around, and then a single beautiful white flower at the top, at the very tip and at the end of the vine. As you approach it, a single snowy barn owl lands on a branch near you. It turns, and without you having to cast anything, it says to you, Why have you come to nature? To ask for help. The owl kicks out its wings, and with a tremendous amount of force,

lifts off the branch and flies off. Right. and flies off. Right. Well, I climb towards the alpine daisy. You pick it? Is it easy just to pluck out?

Yeah, you just pluck it out. You need to give it like a little bit of a twist and it just comes, it snaps cleanly away. There is, inside the alpine flower, there is like a sap, or maybe not a sap, like a liquidy sort of pollen that rests gently

in the flower like it was a cup. Interesting. Would I know enough about, like again, this is like a druidic thing to be like, okay, you need to drink from this kind of... You're not local to this area, so you don't know this plant or its properties. I just rolled for you. Sorry.

Okay. Well, you didn't say to sup from it. Is that part of the... Does it look inviting? Does it look inviting? It smells sweet. You can make of that what you will.

Alright, I give it a lean? It smells sweet. You can make it that way if you will. All right, I give it a lean-in for a sniff. You lean in for a sniff. It smells very pollen-y, very sweet. Maybe it's got kind of like a honey almost scent to it. Right. Well, again, this whole thing is trying to get a bit better acquired with nature. So I will have a sip. Do you just have a little sip or do you drink?

I drink. It tastes like liquid honey almost. It's maybe got like a kind of pollen-y aftertaste to it. It warmly slips down your throat and hits your stomach. You feel like a warm sensation settling in your chest and spreading out to your limbs it's almost like you imbibed like maybe it was alcoholic almost yeah and yeah i'm really high up there's a moment of just sitting in that warm feeling where it kind of like revitalizes you you no longer feel the biting cold around you there's a moment of that and then something

feels wrong you feel like a sickening sensation in your starting in your stomach like acid is bubbling away inside of you wrong choice you say the acidic feeling stretches first to your to to like your your uh esophagus and larynx and you get an awful heartburn-y sort of feeling. From there, it begins to spread out to your limbs, and it's kind of like the gentle warm feeling transforms into like a feverish feeling. Maybe this was an ingredient and not a soup. Maybe.

And I think I've made a mistake. You are poisoned. Not the condition poisoned. This is a different thing. Yeah. I thought it was one thing, and it's different to the other. Okay. Well, life's all about little tiny mistakes.

Good. What do you do? tiny mistakes. Good. What do you do? Look, if this is the penance I have to have, that's fine. What's the poison doing to me?

You don't know. And can I get rid of it? You could try to. Do you have a neutralized poison spell? I do have like a lesser restoration, which is meant to neutralize the poison. Alright, you could try to cast lesser restoration if you wanted to. Okay.

Let's try and... You cast lesser restoration, and you, you like, kind of maybe make a gesture at your mouth to draw the poison out of you. It feels like you are vomiting in slow motion. As the liquid boils up into your throat and then

out of your mouth you can see it kind of coalesce into a ball in front of you and then like a rubber band snapping back the liquid goes shoots right back down your throat you can tell that the poisoning effect is too powerful for lesser restoration. That's annoying. Alright then, well, I guess let's head back down the tree. You climb back down?

Carefully. Very carefully. The final leg is a bit dicey, but you manage to get back to the ground without falling. Small blessings. Gradov is standing. He has finished his meditation. I just hold, like, with a sullen face, just hold up the daisy.

I, um, there was, there was, yep, I, uh, thought I'd have to drink out of the, um, that was a mistake. Thought I'd have to drink out of the, um... That was a mistake. Gradov shrugs. If you drunk from it, perhaps it was required. Maybe. He mounts up and gestures for you to join him. I, um, attempt to get on the elk? The sudden elevation change from standing to getting onto the elk

makes you feel ill. I kind of close my eyes and just lean into Grey Dove. You know when you're hungover and you're just kind of being held by someone? Yeah. Sure. Grey Dove unfortunately can't do any holding, and you don't know if he would if he could. That's fine. But in any case, he turns around, and you can tell that if he would if he could that's but in any case he turns around

and you can tell that he's going a little easy on the elk so that you're not being jostled too much thank you thank you very much you ride for a little while longer and then you come to a cave it's in a small rock edifice here in the forest. The cave has a foreboding aura upon it. Looking into its dark open moor, you get this sensation of trespassing. Gray Dove and you both dismount from the elk.

Thank you. The help? Um, okay. Do I need to venture in there? He nods. Within the cave, there is a fungus called a dark knight fungus. Ew. Dark knight. All right.

Good. Dark knight, like the... Not that it matters, I suppose. Spelling is irrelevant here. Dark knight, like the person with armor. Ew, I was pointing at the sky. No, like the person with armor. So is it two Ks?

Or just the one? What do you mean, two Ks? Well, if it's Dark Knight, is it like D-A-R-K-N-I-G-H-T? Or is it D-A-R-K... Dark K-N-I-G-H-T. Okay, so it's two words, not one word. Alright. Oh, I see what you're saying. Yes, sorry, yes, it is

two words. Dark Knight fungus. Yes. There shouldn't be any other types of fungus in the cave. Well, there may be other types of fungus in the cave. Once again, I don't know what trials you may encounter. Okay. It makes sense. Okay.

Right. Yes. A trial, I understand, could happen, is that you could be forced to identify the right fungus but i don't it it could be as simple as that or it could be as complicated as the spirit of the forest manifests your parents and you need to explain why you've been a naughty child or something he says with an edge of humor yes uh an edge of humor and maybe a little bit too much familiarity.

Right, right, right. Have you ever done, I guess, communed with the spirits? I've communed with many spirits. The challenges they can sometimes set are obtuse, or even sometimes perhaps impossible. The spirits of the forest could actually set you a challenge that would just kill you, like to consume something that will just make you die.

He then considers his words and says, but it's rare. It's like the pit of sap that's in my stomach. He realizes what he said and what's happened and then finishes it with, but it's rare. Look, it's fine. I've already undergone so much in this last month. Once more into the bridge.

Step forward into the cave. Sure, I like listening to D&D is for Nerds, the podcast I am currently listening to, or not, and maybe you should check it out on Spotify or whatever. But I hate using my stupid ears when I could instead be using my fabulous eyes. Well, thank my lucky stars, those fucking maniacs went and wrote a book adapting the Atticus campaign, the one with the airship and unhinged gnome. the Atticus Campaign, the one with the airship and unhinged gnome. Just head to sanspantsradio.com slash shop and click on the merchandise button. It was limited run and stocks are getting thin. So why get talked at when you could use your own inner dialogue and read an adventure?

Once again, that's sanspantsradio.com slash shop and grab your copy of the Atticus today. Almost immediately, you are swallowed by darkness it feels supernatural in origin you maybe you try to produce flame to conjure some light i do the light exists for a brief moment before it is snuffed out by the darkness surrounding it you can feel the spell still active in your hand. The fire just sheds no light here. Right. I stop casting it then. Okay. I will close my eyes and maybe sit down. And then as a ritual spell, I will cast Locate Animals or Plants and try to locate the Dark Knight, Fungus.

You close your eyes to cast the spell. Upon completion, you open your eyes again. You still see only pure pitch blackness, but you feel a pull somewhere from around your navel drawing you deeper into the cave. Right. Well, onward. I just put one foot in front of the other. Keep walking.

It's the hero's journey, baby. Mm-hmm. You keep walking, and after a few moments, you hear a low growling sound. Two pinpricks of light open up in the darkness. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. I cast, not as a ritual. I cast speak with animals.

Hello there, good friend. Go away. I would love to go away. But right now I need to find something that we call the dark night fungus. And I know that it is in this direction. If you would let me pass so I could go and collect this, I will, of course, leave.

But if you need something from me to let me pass, just name it, and I will do my best to do it for you. Go away. That's all I want. I will go away once I get this fungus so is there anything that we can do

that will allow me to pass I'm not going to interfere with you I don't want to change you I don't want to do anything to you I just need this dark night fungus for a very important reason the mother wolf does not deal in her den

mother wolf so you're a mother yes she doesn't respond to that the mother wolf does not deal in her den. Mother wolf? So you're a mother, yes? She doesn't respond to that. What would you do to save your cubs? To save my cubs, I would kill a man, and I'm considering it right now. Yes, well, I'm also trying to save a cub.

It doesn't seem like this wolf really understands, unfortunately. Like, you impress upon the wolf that you are trying to also save a life, but this wolf just doesn't care about the life that you're trying to save. Look, I understand you may not give a damn about me, but I care about you, and I need to... I, like you, am a mother wolf, and I will do anything to do what I need to do to protect my cub. So. Five, the wolf says.

Do you really want to do this? Eight. The wolf doesn't know how to count. It's just been destroyed by that That was so intense I would like to Can I intimidate then? To be just like

We can go down this way And you will be injured You might be able to kill me But I will injure you in some way, shape, or form. So if you let me pass, nothing needs to happen. The wolf probably still doesn't care. Yeah, the wolf thinks it can take you. Two.

It says two in such a way that you think it thinks it's near to the end. Don't really want to do this, wolf. Thirteen! The wolf leaps. I change into a wolf. Okay. Well, we'll go to initiative. And I run.

Oh, you turn tail and run? As in, like, towards the cave. As in, like, for the pull of where the thing is. Now I can have a sniffer, though. Ah. Smell out that fungus. Well, hopefully. No, surely you'd be able to smell. You'd know, I suppose,

what fungus is, sure. What is? Anything faster than a wolf? That you could turn into? I don't know off the top of my head. Like a panther? I've turned into a panther before. Is a panther faster than a wolf? That you could turn into? I don't know off the top of my head. Like a panther? I've turned into a panther before.

Is a panther faster than a wolf? You know what? I'll make that a nature check for you to know off the top of your head if a panther is faster than a wolf. Okay. All right. You know your panthers and you know your wolves. A wolf has a movement speed of 40 feet. A panther has a movement speed of 50 feet. Also, panther you could probably well you can't like i would say

that you can't stop while on the wall but you do have a climb speed so you could like run along the wall run and jump basically parkour um all right i will uh turn to a panther and i will use my new sniffer and i will try and um yes, leap, and run away from said wolf to deeper into the cave and try and towards the direction of that fungus that I need. Unfortunately, the wolf gets to act first, and the wolf leaps upon you.

When that happens as well, you hear yelping. You can tell that the cubs are nearby. The wolf sinks its fangs into your neck. You take... Oh, by the way, this is not something that's come up a lot into your neck you take oh by the way this is not something that's come up a lot but if you take enough damage you will revert from panther form back into yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah good good uh you take eight points of damage meaning you have four points left before you're a man again bullshit also you need to make a strength

saving throw or be knocked prone. You pass the strength saving throw. It is your turn. Cool. I jump out the way. We'll say you use the disengage action so you still get your full movement speed but there's no attacks involved. Yes. I jump out the way and I sprint towards what I...

Yes. You, reaching further into the cave, you sniff out the fungus. You find it. And that is your turn. The wolf chases after you. Highs or lows? Let's go with lows. Lows?

Unfortunately, the fungus was really close, so the wolf doesn't... So you didn't need to go far. Good news. But also... The wolf doesn't need to go far. Good news. But also... The wolf doesn't need to go far. Yeah, the wolf can still get to you intact. Unless you wanted to move further into the tunnel so that the wolf wasn't in range of you. I mean, you've still got to get past the wolf eventually, but...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I'll go further into the tunnel so the wolf doesn't get to me. The wolf chases after you. It's your turn. You turn around i will try to jump over it or like use the wall as the climbing speed to try and get past here and uh if i can snap out the the fungus in my mouth all right i'm gonna make that first off a you know vaguely where it is but obviously because it's pitch black in here not exactly where so i'm gonna make it first off a perception check to detect exactly where the fungus is. And then an acrobatics check to deftly scoop some up.

Okay. And as a panther, I have advantage on perception checks that involve a smell. Ah. All right. You pass the perception check. Yes. And then acrobatics. You pass the acrobatics check. Yes. And then acrobatics. You pass the acrobatics check.

You launched cleanly and neatly past the wolf, land almost exactly where you need to, scoop some of the mushroom up, and keep going. How high is the loss? Let's give it high this time. All right. You accidentally swallow some of the mushroom as well.

Damn it. This one doesn't feel like it poisoned you but you don't feel great about it either like as in i don't mean physically you don't feel great about it mentally just like yeah you're like i don't think it was clever to swallow random fungus not have done that one stupid stupid cat mouth the wolf chases you the entire way out of the tunnel but once you've left the mouth of it the wolf stops and turns around i in front of gray dove like a cat with a hairball cough it up yeah no worries um i would presume i would have to to to transform back into human version of me sure you can if you want you don't

have to yeah no i will cough it up transform back into my my human self pick up the fungus and i got i got some swallowed some i got some great of stands up from his sitting position and mounts the elk good only one left to go i um have an internal i guess you know a bit of introspection how am i feeling is it am i double sick you stop to try and assess your feelings and you feel fine nothing seems to it doesn't seem to be affecting you okay okay right i hop on the uh elk all right well i ask great oh i should say you still do feel that poisoning from before. Yes, yes. As you're riding to the third location, it hits.

Definitely a psychedelic. Oh, no. You're tripping balls, dude. I start stroking, I guess, the elk's fur yeah sure uh and really just press into the gray doves back there um running your hands through the elk's fur immediately feels wrong it feels like that one the elk's fur feels like like it's marble and that you are pressing marble apart between your fingers oh it's a bad one okay nope stop that uh gray dove what is oh he's got leaf weave armor the there's like little bridges and

bumps on the leaf weave and all of those running over your fingers feels like too much input at once yep yep yep uh yep nope no no i started like shaking my head uh-uh no no thank you hey thank you this is bad it's bad it's bad, this is bad, this is bad, this is bad. On the ride to the third location, you vomit. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. I need to get off, need to get off, need to get off. No, no, no, no, I jump off. Bleh!

Alright, you have to go the rest of the... You walk the rest of the way. Gradov probably dismounts as well and then sends the elk off to where you don't know and frankly don't care. Can you hold my hand? Grey Dove holds your hand for the rest of the way. That is pleasant.

Grey Dove's hand is not clammy and it is neither too hot nor too cold. This is good. You have good hands. So good. You hear the third location before you get there. You don't know if it is actually just too loud or if it's another effect of the psychedelics.

But as you approach, it's a thundering waterfall. It is so fucking loud. Gradov, that's very loud. You turn to look at Gradov and you see him wince as well. It does appear to be more than the psychedelics. Let's go try here. It's not meant to be. It's going down.

It's definitely falling down. Okay, forward. Yes. Are we here? Is this it? I'll stop talking. You come to a river. The river is really, really, it's a really, really, really powerful current.

But the water, the river itself is actually very thin it's maybe only like a foot across it is such a thin river but you can see you could just see that the water is traveling at a tremendous speed and not too far from where you are there is a waterfall and it is kind of like and it like a gun The water is shooting out at a rapid speed. You can see that it's like a water slide almost, if a water slide could be very fucking deadly. The water comes out at an incredible velocity, shoots maybe like 60 feet, just pure horizontal,

before it finally starts arcing downwards and into a river. Okay. Great. I explain what I'm seeing. That's what's happening. Great of nods. Okay. Good. Okay. I blink several times. This is the final

trial. From there we will need to... you will contact the spirit of the forest. Great news. Okay. And then the Spirit of the Forest. Great news. And then the Spirit of the Forest might have I don't know how many more trials you could potentially face for how long this would take. In any case,

you, and I'm very sorry to tell you this, you need to go down the waterfall. Go down the waterfall. Yes. In addition to that, there may be other trials. Okay.

I've been down a waterfall once before, you know. Quite recently. Yes, I am aware. Yeah. Okay. The waterfall looks like it's pretty dangerous, yeah? Yeah, it's powerful.

You could try some... What a great expression. You could try summoning this one, but you don't think it would help that much. You would be shot out. There are waterfalls, and then there is this. This is something else entirely. I mean, you could try summoning.

You could try summoning. I could try summon is this. This is something else entirely. I mean, you could try salmoning. You could try salmoning. I could try salmoning this. Or a larger, maybe my good friend crocodile. You don't think you'd fit as a crocodile? I don't think I'd definitely not fit there. You might not realize that. If you say that out loud, Gray Dob says, I don't think you'll fit as a crocodile.

Or some kind of shark, perhaps. I don't think you'll fit as a crocodile. Or some kind of shark, perhaps. I don't think you'd fit as any larger animal. Yeah, I've never seen a shark. It's a quite small space, he says. He maybe, for you, demonstrates by putting his hands about a feet apart. A foot, sorry. A feet apart. He puts them about a foot apart and then puts that up to your face so you can feel it.

Oh, I couldn't even. I would. I need to salmon this, I couldn't even. I would. I need to salmon this. I can't even get there from my. I try and push into his arms. Yeah, until he showed you, until he demonstrated that, you don't think that you could have possibly, like, you don't think you could possibly have done that.

Okay. Greydal, can you do me a favor? Yes. I'm going to turn into a salmonoll, can you do me a favor? Yes. I'm going to turn into a salmon now. Can you pick me up and gesture to the waterfall?

Um, I don't think I can help. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Uh, I'll, I'll,

I'll start walking towards and when I get there I will salmon this. Before you do anything, you hear Graydoll call out from behind you. Good luck. Hey, I think I'm I will summon this. Before you do anything, you hear Greadov call out from behind you, good luck. I think I'm going to need this one.

Oh, quick question. Do you know what the properties of this alpine daisy does? Oh, the properties of its nectar, do you mean, or the flower itself? Because they do two different things. The flower itself. The flower itself, it's used in a ritual to contact the spirit of the forest. So, as is the mushroom. Oh, sorry, I forgot to tell you.

God, that would have been so... In the river, sorry, in the lake. Oh, fuck. Christ. Great helps, like takes a moment oh christ oh the christian jesus uh you at the bottom of the lake there is like an algae that you will need to collect and bring back to me oh right well what was it what's it called uh it's called ironwood algae it's local to these woods or it exists only in the Ironwoods

Ironwood Algae, okay I just need a moment I want to sit down As a ritual, cast locate Plant, once again The Ironwood Algae Just so that I know that I have a sense of where I need to go So no matter what is happening around me No matter what I'm seeing I can at least understand that I know that I have a sense of where I need to go. So no matter what is happening around me, no matter what I'm seeing,

I can at least understand that I know exactly where to go, that pool from my navel. And once that happens, I will head to the water and I will cast Wild Shape and turn into a salmon. You turn into a salmon and

you try to fall into the water. You need to make a dexterity check okay okay you miss ow all right yeah you're gonna need to make a strength check now to try and throw yourself into the river okay and you're not good at that let's roll okay okay you fail. You begin suffocating. You need to make a constitution saving throw. Let's roll, let's roll, let's roll. Alright, you pass the constitution saving throw, letting you know that if you fail this, you're dead. Pretty much. Yeah, it's fucked. Alright, thank god. You throw yourself into the river. Jesus, Adam. Two pretty good rolls

in a row that you really needed to get. yourself into the river. Jesus, Adam. Two pretty good rolls in a row that you really needed to get. Roll into the river. The second you hit the water, it is not any better. The velocity of this water is so strong that you cannot swim. You are just thrown. You're shot like out of a fucking cannon. I do not resist and accept the thing that is happening to me. All right.

do not resist and accept the thing that is happening to me all right i go limp and i will find out what happens next time on stories of the greyhill free company Holy shit, we have such good shirts available at the moment. Seriously, if you head to santspantsradio.com slash shop, we've got a bunch of new amazing shirts available for you to grab and wear on your filthy bodies. I personally currently own a long-sleeved black Plumbing the Death Star tee with the Sants Pants logo on the breast and a black Plumbing the Death Star tee with the Sandspants logo on the breast and a huge Plumbing the Death Star logo on the back I wear it all the time

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