D&D is For Nerds - Stories of The Greyhill Free Company III #7 A Fireside Chat

Episode Date: May 28, 2022

Big T will 100% get to the bottom of this. We guarantee. This riddle is so easy it's ridiculous. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey you beautiful idiots, what are you doing most Mondays in June at 7pm? That's right, fuck all, so why not instead do something good on a Monday night for once in your goddamn life? For three Mondays in June, we've teamed up with The Retreat Hotel in Brunswick to give you some of our best podcasts live, and for free. Come see Plumbing the Death Star on the 6th, Scaredy Boys on the 20th, and us, Baseless Speculation, on the 27th.

It's free, seating is limited, you can't book, but you can rock up early and have a pot and a palmer. So what are you waiting for? Come on down and let's try and squeeze too many people into too small of a room for too little of a reward of seeing some of the worst podcasts Australia has to offer. Tickets not available to purchase, so just rock up on the night. Once again, that's the 6th, 20th and 27th of June at The Retreat Hotel in Brunswick at 7pm. 7pm.

You're listening to the Sandspants Network. Home of comedy, culture, adventures, and ghosts. Previously on Stories from the Greyhill Free Company. A giant clawed paw strikes into the water and tries to scoop you up. You look up and see a bear darting at you. Once more, I'm going to have to put this in my mouth.

All right, you swallow some algae? You just swallow it. You don't to have to put this in my mouth. All right, you swallow some algae? You just swallow it. You don't even have some of it in your mouth. You eat algae. I've eaten every single one of these. You really have. And that's so funny. Two of them were an accident.

Good morning! Good morning. Good morning, Chantal. Good morning, Yaelna. In any case, would you like to visit my arcane workshop? I've marked out a safe path for you. I'm already standing and walking. The door clicks one final fourth time and then swings open

to reveal an entire floor that is just a magical workshop and laboratory. I tuck my hands under my armpits. If you look into a mirror and you see your reflection beckoning you closer, I advise you not to listen. Oh, okay. In your reflection, your mirror self steps off the path and looks and gives you like a big thumbs up. I look. and gives you a big thumbs up.

A look. In the mirror version, you see that your mirror self points in a nook or cranny that you would need to leave the path to get to. I think the hamster might be in that nook and cranny. Excuse me? I just think the hamster might be over there. And I point to where the hamster's meant to be. As Sir Isaac Newton goes to check,

you see your mirror reaction kind of like shake their head and make like a hand over neck sort of gesture like, you're not going to see it. You got it. I'll show you where, but I can't show you. I might be wrong. I might be wrong. It doesn't appear to be here.

Oh no, I'm wrong. He's not going to find it, but I can show you. No, you're me. I don't know where it is. No, I'm like you. I'm in the mirror. How can I be you? You're you.

But why are you me then? Why aren't you just yourself? I am myself. What are you talking about? Why do you look like me? I look like you because I'm in the mirror. No, but you're trying to trick me. No, I'm not.

Of course you're trying to trick me. I promise. No. Yes. I'm not allowed to i'm not allowed if you find the hamster you get invited back i know i have to do it myself though what if i told you where you could or couldn't be off the line no you're not the wizard i'm not no i can't no because anyone invite me back if i go on the wrong spot all right you're getting to the point where you're going to lose sight of the mirror when When that happens, the mirror kind of like starts hissing at you.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Just stop, just stop. Do you stop walking or keep going? I keep going. Well, you lose sight of the mirror. Does the mirror do anything else? No, the mirror is just like doing what it was doing before. Your mirror version does not seem to control the mirror.

It does not appear to be here, but thank you for the attempt, if nothing else. Okay, I'm sorry. I must have been wrong. That's all right. I can't understand why you would have come here, why you would have seen it here anyway. You certainly couldn't see anything around this little corner. Sir Isaac Newton returns to you, and you can see he's dusting his pants. Not his pants, but he's dusting his robes where his legs are, off

Had you turned around to that corner I don't think you could have seen anything again, ever I must have been wrong What do you mean, ever? There's a It's not important, it's just a magical

thing that would have blinded you. Your mirror's not for every night. Which one? The main one who tries to blind people. Do you mean the mechanical one that we just walked past? Yes. Oh, good job not listening. I have trouble myself sometimes.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I have trouble myself sometimes. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. The mirror trades terrible, terrible agony for something that you want, basically.

Oh, so I could have found the hamster. Oh, yes, you probably would have. Oh, I'm sorry. That's fine. I'm actually glad I'm not blind. Sir Isaac Newton stops the procession, puts a hand on your shoulder and says, Your sight is not worth finding the hamster. Thank you.

It's just a hamster. I wouldn't have thought that was a good trade. I have an attachment to the hamster, but he's here somewhere. True. Yes. And he knows how to keep himself out of trouble, but he also knows how to keep himself out of my cage. Cheeky little thing. You continue the walk. You walk past a alchemical section. You see many, many, many, many tables. The line gets a little bit more, if you will,

relaxed here. You're kind of free to wander a little bit, or the line doesn't seem to keep you too far from things. You may touch things here, but only with my permission. Please ask first. Can I touch this? What are you pointing at? What's the first thing I see, Adam? You see a glass cabinet full of

hearts, still beating. It still stands. Can I touch this? Uh, do you want to touch the heart itself? You can hold the jar and inspect it, but be careful. It still stands. Can I touch this? Do you want to touch the heart itself? You can hold the jar and inspect it, but be careful. Okay, yes, please. He opens the... It requires a key to unlock, so he opens the glass cabinet and allows you to have the hearts.

Thank you. They're different shapes and sizes, and some of them don't even look like hearts. If it weren't for the fact that they are in the context of being in a shelf of hearts and you can hear it beating some of them you would not have identified as hearts does this belong to someone they all belong to someone is that someone you what is it you no no they're all uh they're all here for safekeeping. Oh. Is someone out there dead? No, they're very much alive. I just have their heart. What?

Say more. I'm fixing them. Fixing them? But then how do they get around without the heart? They figure out a way. So what do they need? Some of them still maintain their connection to the heart even here

some of them have a second or third or fourth or sometimes even a fifth heart but never a six or above and some of them just don't need a heart and simply have it for aesthetics and some

of them some of them have worked out some other means of getting blood around their system. So if I gave you my heart and you kept it here and someone tried to kill me, they couldn't kill me? No. Well, it depends.

Very few means of being remotely connected to your heart actually make you invulnerable. But some do? Some give you a level of invulnerable. But some do? Some give you a level of invulnerability. That sounds good. All right. That's good to know I have options.

Immortality is a dangerous thing, my young stalwart companion. You must always be wary from a creature or an entity or a magical force that promises immortality. The consequences are always dire. Though even I may be long-lived and nearly immortal, I am in fact not immortal itself. It is a dangerous thing to play with. We are not meant to live forever. But what happens if you kill someone by accident and they weren't meant to die? Wouldn't it be good if they were immortal so they didn't die?

An accident that causes death is tragic and awful, but death is a necessary part of life. It sustains a cycle more complicated than perhaps even I can understand at times. For everything, there must be a balance. Alright. Very glad Adam didn't come on this trip. I move on.

Is there anything else you'd like to touch? What else is there, Adam? You keep looking. The very next thing is a work table with a strange mechanism, which you now assume would hold a heart in it very delicately. Kind of like a vice, but for specifically holding a heart. And there's a bunch of utensils and tools. Then on the other side, you see a series of cages with animals in them.

The animals look like they've been shrunk down to teeny tiny size, and the cages look like teeny tiny dioramas. You see like a bunch of teeny teeny teeny teeny teeny tiny salamanders scooting around like a combination dank underwater lake area slash grounded area. You see some small, not actually dragons, because they don't have wings, but draconic-like creatures sunning themselves in another cage. There's a bunch of different, like, little tableaus. Can I please hold the lizard? You cannot hold them, but you...

No, you cannot touch that one. They're very delicate. Can I look really close? Yes. I look as close as I can. Alright. Fingers on the glass. Nose.

Flat. Eyes. Please do not tap the glass. Tap. I don't want to tap. I'll just press. Alright. You press yourself up against the glass and you watch.

They continue sunning themselves. There's not... After you've viewed it once, there's not much else to come back to. I finish up against the glass and you watch they continue sunning themselves after you've viewed it once there's not much else to come back to I finish up with the lizards as you keep moving through you hear in this section a ding oh it's done

oh that was fast I can rescue your friend oh my goodness now? he puts on big gloves. You know gloves that you'd use to handle a thing that comes out of the oven? Yeah. He puts on those.

They have a floral print to them. He goes to an oven and opens it up. And inside he takes out a potion. Like a glass potion. And we just... Alright then. Let me move to my workspace. Do you have the lantern

yes uh please put the lantern on my work table here there's like another work table that has some really morbid looking splashes on it you're you hope it's not blood you assume it's not blood it's sometimes people have too much blood yeah it's probably just the extra i put the lantern on the table stand back he gives like a bit of a flourish this might be dangerous he pours the potion onto the lantern and wherever the potion touches the lantern begins to crumple and melt oh slowly the potion begins to melt the entire lantern until there is nothing left of the lantern. At first you think, oh, he just melted it. Oh, he fucked it up. Oh, okay, he just killed

this person. But then a little figure stands up out of the sludge that is the leftover lantern. She is still a tiny little fire sprite, but she is no longer in the lantern. Oh, he says, that

should have also ended the curse. Huh. She's meant to be big, yeah? I thought so. Tell me. He gets, like, down, he puts his hands on the table, and he gets, like, he puts his face really close to the little figure. Is this what you look like, or is some still, or is some curse still

upon you? She walks over to him, and he turns so that he's presenting his ear to her. She leans into the ear. Uh-huh. Oh, okay then. This is it. He stands up. This is her.

Oh, it's lovely to meet you. I try and duck down as well. What's your name? Do you turn your ear so that she can lean into it? Absolutely. And I try and whisper so I'm not screaming at her. Gosh, I've never had anyone ask if I have a name before. I guess you could just call me...

Call me like fire or torch or Latin, maybe? Do you have a favorite one of those words? I think fire. It doesn't remind me of the prison. That's good. Pleased to meet you, fire. I stick my pinky out. You can just give it a little high five.

She gives her pinky a little high five. Oh. Did you? I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude, but did you want a lantern or something to sit in? Oh. Did you... I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude, but did you, like, want a lantern or something to sit in? Can you fly or something?

Um, I really don't, no. I can't fly, no. I live in a fire. Oh, did you want to go into a fire? Oh, if you can find my home, yeah. Which fire was your house? She gives a tiny shrug. Oh, no. Hang on.

This might make speaking easier. He walks off and comes back with a big trumpet. He puts the trumpet on the workstation and then fiddles around with some potions until he finds the right one. He pours that potion on the trumpet, and of melting it the trumpet becomes teeny tiny picks up the teeny tiny trumpet and gives it to her speak into the mouthpiece of the trumpet when she does so you can hear it's kind of like tinny like it's coming over like a speaker system but you can hear her clear clear enough. Oh, that's good. Thank you. No worries. How can... I was talking to the wizard. You're welcome.

Anyway, that will be another 200 gold. Okay. I just hand it over. Alright, do you have that money? Yeah. Okay, wow, you're loaded. Alright, you hand him another 200 gold. Thank you.

Sorry to charge you, but it is quite expensive to do. That's fair enough. And I'm going through a bit of a rough patch. That's understandable, we've all been there. He nods. I address fire again. How best can we help you? Just in terms of logistics,

do you want to sit on the shoulder or... I could probably get by. Oh, you don't want to come with us or... Oh, no, I'll come. If you're looking for my home, I'll come with, but you don't need to carry me. Okay, okay. If it doesn't need to carry... It's just I'm so big and you're so little, I imagine our steps are different.

Oh, no, I'm really quick. Oh. Oh, that's all right, then. Cool. Well, welcome aboard. Thank you. Do you remember where your home is? welcome aboard thank you do you remember where your home is uh no

I was in the lantern for a long time do you remember anything about it was a fire okay uh do you know if it was a magical fire or if it was one of the fires made of wood or

I think it was in a fireplace. Oh, you know, we've got... Maybe your home is not as far away as we thought. Follow me. I lead her down to the fireplace and the lantern. She moves like the Flash, like a teeny tiny version of the Flash. That's very scary, actually. Yeah, it's like when she moves really quickly though you see her very clearly like she leaves a trail not a trail sorry but she leaves like a glow behind her so there's this long streak on the

ground wherever she moves she she's actually a lot more visible when she moves than when she's standing still yeah that's good she yep follows after you she probably needs to like move ahead and stop move ahead and stop move ahead and stop she really seems to only have the one speed oh she's zippy she's so zippy i should have called her zippo you get downstairs she looks at the fireplace and she shakes her teeny tiny head and says no that isn't it um i i don't i don't know so you only remember the fireplace you don't remember anything else um the the language that people spoke what the people was a man a big man but like i know i'd like bigger than a a man. A big man. But like, I know I'm like bigger than a man, man. Like a big man.

Cass looks so pained. There's a house with a fireplace and a big, big man. Really big, yeah. And what did the man look like? Did he look like me, but man? No, he looked big.

He was a man though. He had hair. What colour was the hair? It was brown, mousy brown. Oh, no. And he didn't wear a shirt. Okay. And he didn't wear a shirt. Okay. Was there lots of...

And he had pants. And I think a dog. I think there was a dog. No. Okay. When you saw the room, was it like, did it have big comfy seats like this? Or was it maybe full of tools? No, it had seats. But they weren't like this or was it maybe full of tools? No, it had

seats but they weren't like this. But they were big and he fit in them. Okay. But he was really big and the seats were big to match. Well, I'm glad he had the good chair. Now,

uh, Cass, it looks like you're on the verge of tears. I don't know how to help this person. I've furrowed my brow so much I've got a headache. Do you know what language the person spoke? Um... Uh... A couple, I think. Oh, God. He spoke like what you're speaking, like what we're speaking now.

Yeah. And another language. Okay. It was a loud one. He yelled a lot. And he mostly spoke that one, I think. Okay. Do you know how long you were in the lantern for?

A long time. Like ages. Ages like? How long is ages? Is ages a month or is age years? Um, I don't know. I think if I was stuck somewhere, it would feel like a long time, but maybe it wasn't a long time.

It was a really long time. Okay. Now, look, fire, if you want to come with us, I will show you to every single fireplace I come across for the rest of my life, alright? Yeah, okay. And will one of them be the one? Now, here's the thing. I don't think I could ever count how many fireplaces are in the world.

Do you know if when you got turned into when you got when you got trapped in the lantern did did they walk you very far to the witch's house um uh when i got trapped in the lantern they took me um they took me to another place with more big people, but they were different big people. They were a bit smaller, but they were still really, really big. They had a different house. Their house was made out of stone, and it also had a fireplace, but I didn't get to go in it. They hung me above that fireplace. And then I was there for a long time.

And then they took me again. And then they took me, I think, up a mountain. And then I went to another house with some big people. And these people were the biggest. Okay. Big like as big as me or bigger um bigger oh okay uh and then i was there for a while and they had a fireplace and they put me above the fireplace again um and they uh they all uh, they all spoke, uh, they all spoke the language we're speaking, I think. Okay.

They also spoke another language. Um, and I don't know if it was the same as the first language. Okay. Um. And then, uh, and then I got, uh, they gave me to, uh, another man, uh, and he was small. Like really, really small, and he was small. Like, really, really small, but not as small as me. Okay.

He was smaller than you, I think. And then he had me for a long time, and we went a lot of places. But there wasn't any fireplaces. It was just on a wagon, and we went a lot of places, but there wasn't any fireplaces. It was just on a wagon. And we went a lot of places. First it was trees. Then it was a city. But I never got to go into any of the houses in the city. And then we went through a big portal.

And then we went to a place that was all fire. And we were there for a little while and it was a city again but it was like a city that was fire and we were there for a while yeah and i saw you know the people the second people that had me oh yeah the second people it was like them it looked like them they had some of them some some of them, sorry, not all of them. Some of them were small and they had red, they had fire hair. And some of them were big and they just had red hair, but it wasn't fire hair. And then we went in another portal and we went away from the fire city and we went back to another city. And it might have been like the first city, but I don't know.

and it might have been like the first city but i don't know um and then i got given to another man who was bigger than the than the person i was with then but not as big as the first people and he had me for a while and then we kept traveling and then there was lots of sand and then some beaches and then sand but no beaches. And then there was sand and beaches again. And then we went on a ship. And we were on the ship for a while. Oh, no. Like a really long time. And then we went to another city.

And this city was on a beach. And then the man who had me was in a place where there was nothing. It was really nothing for a really long time. Okay. And then he got killed by the hag. And then she had me. And she had me for a long time. Okay.

Did you like the fire city? No. Okay. No, everyone was mean, though. No, I couldn't imagine. I can't imagine the city made of fire. People are very calming. They've been making some quick decisions.

They're all a bit hot-headed. Do we know what a fire city even is? I don't think Tree Stump knows about the fire realm. Big T could not fucking tell you what a fire city is. Is anyone else listening to this? Yeah, like Chantel and the Aeola, what are they thinking? Chantel. Chantel.

I love knowing that you're desperate because you're throwing it to the NPCs. Well, I just tree stumped a beautiful, nothing behind the eyes. Chantel is like, a city made of fire sounds like the plains. And if this person has come and gone from the plains, I mean, like. I mean, like... If they've gone to a different place, if they've gone out of Ognoth and come back to Ognoth and then gone on the boat, I don't know. See, here's the problem.

They came out of the plane into Ognoth, but did they start in Ognoth? They came out of the plane into Ognot, but did they start in Ognot? Big T's eyes get the biggest they've ever been. Joel Zammett here from either the podcast you're currently listening to or some other podcast like, let's say, I don't know, Baseless Speculation, rudely interrupting your good times to tell you about another podcast I do called Baseless Speculation.

Do you often find yourself looking at a new Spider-Man trailer and thinking to yourself, I wonder how Sony are going to shit the bed on this one? Or perhaps you're a big fan of X-Men and will ponder how they would even show the Krakoan era of mutants on the silver screen. Or maybe there's some news that some fucking guy is going to play Mario Mario

in the upcoming film Mario about that plumber Mario and his brother Luigi. And you think to yourself, I wonder what they're going to do there. Why do these plumbers keep jumping on turtles? Us too. So we made a show about it where we baselessly speculate on upcoming films, TV shows and more. So join me and my beautiful co-hosts Jackson Bailey and Joel Dusha, who you might know from either this very podcast or anothery on baseless speculation. Available on iTunes, Spotify, Amazon are doing a podcast thing now.

You can find us there if you'd like. Google? They have Google Podcasts now. Really, there's never been a better time to search for podcasts, doing a podcast thing now you can find us there if you'd like google and i have google podcast now really there's never been a better time to search for podcasts especially ones called baseless speculation once you get into planar travel it becomes very difficult uh because well like we're talking about more than just the entire planet. We're talking about infinite planets. Fire, listen, I want to give you a very good life, but I don't know if I am from the same place that you are from.

I don't know if you started here, and I don't know how to get anywhere. Oh, so you don't think I can get home? I don't think I can take you home, but I'm very happy to travel. You can come with me and if we find someone who is better at going to fire cities and then beaches and then beaches with no beach, then I will help you get to a person who knows how to do that. But I just can't do it. But I'll do my best to make you comfy. I can give you fires to stay in.

If you haven't stayed in the fire in a while, it might be nice. Yeah, I would like to stay in a fire. Okay. Can fire stay in this fire, please? Sir Isaac Newton, who during the story has sat down in one of the big chairs and looks very sad for fire, says, Yes, of course. You may stay for as long as you desire. Oh, is there any sort of magic that you can do to find out where she's from?

Sir Isaac Newton gives you a very sad look. I'm afraid I do not think any magic could return fire or could find fire's home. Fire, I'm so sorry. Poor fire. Certainly there is no magic I know of. Yes, I'm very sorry. I wish to... I'm sorry. I wish to give you some hope, but, I mean, I am not omniscient. There are things I do not know, but I do not see it as likely that this is something I do not know.

I turn back to fire. I can take you anywhere and ask everyone. I can take you everywhere with me, and every person we meet I can ask and see, and you can talk to them and see if they know where you're from, and I can do that for as long as I'm out travelling, but I can't do it myself. But I can promise you I'll help as much as I can.

That's okay. If we keep asking, we'll find it eventually. They're so optimistic. It's like they know how big the world is because they've been to, they physically have witnessed the expanse of the world and universe, but they have no idea how big the world is. They have traveled more than probably most people would ever travel, and they have no clue.

No clue. They think going to every house would work. Yeah, and I adore their attention to detail adore their, like, attention to detail. It's a beautiful attention to detail. God. Beautiful attention to detail. I'm so sorry. Incredible dungeon mastering.

Actually, yeah, though. I've been having a great time. Can I start? I keep trying to think of a way to make fire comfortable that isn't a lantern and keep accidentally hitting lantern it feels like carcinization like i'm like okay they want to be in a fire but the fire needs to be contained somewhat so i can keep it moving uh-oh what keeps a contained fuck oh yeah oh fuck fire wanders over to the fireplace hops into the fire gives like a big jump and you see they still leave that streak behind them hops into the fire and then when they're in the fire they sit down that's nice

does it look like they're having a nice time? They look at you and give a big thumbs up Good Alright Let's see how that snail's tracking along I go and stick my head out of the snail Very aware that it has been like what An hour? Yeah thereabouts

Since I last checked Trees? You look around and you're like wait a minute wait a fucking minute it occurs to you that you had for the first time ever in a long time you realize how badly you have made a mistake this is not a good day for me. Just how far off course is Big T and the rest of the party? Find out next time on Stories of the Greyhill Free Company. I'm going to go. Maybe you should check it out on Spotify or whatever. But I hate using my stupid ears when I could instead be using my fabulous eyes. Well, thank my lucky stars. Those fucking maniacs went and wrote a book adapting the Atticus campaign. The one with the airship and unhinged gnome.

Just head to sanspantsradio.com slash shop and click on the merchandise button. It was limited run and stocks are getting thin. So why get talked at when you could use your own inner dialogue and read an adventure? shop and click on the merchandise button it was limited run and stocks are getting thin so why get talked at when you could use your own inner dialogue and read an adventure once again that's sandspantsradio.com slash shop and grab your copy of the auticus today hey there fellow adventurer if you're picking up what we're putting down and want more dnd To be continued... Sandspans Plus members, the further adventures of the Greyhill Free Company if you want shorter campaigns with beautiful guests, and D&D is for Nerds, not Ognot, where all our non-canon D&D adventures go to rest. Just search for D&D is for Nerds on your favourite podcast app of choice and join us on this

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