D&D is For Nerds - Stories of The Greyhill Free Company III #9 To Err is to Human

Episode Date: June 11, 2022

And don't forget to download our sister podcast 'You Bald, Me Bald: Why So Many Combs?' for more poor retellings of O. Henry's The Gift of the Magi. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem. You're listening to the Sandspants Network. Home of comedy, culture, adventures, and ghosts. Previously, on stories from the Greyhill 3 Company. And then he gestures to the base of the tree, and you see a hole has opened up in between the roots at the base of the tree. I walk towards the hole. As you walk, you leave him behind.

You hear Tabatine say, Sitting at the base of the tree is a figure. They're sitting like with legs crossed, kind of like they're in meditation. You are welcome. Welcome to the drink and welcome to Vita, she says, and she gestures around you. You have come here to bargain for the fates of two mortals yes yes lying on the two stone slabs are the forms of that little girl and david the years that have been given must be taken if i were to look at my hands are they the youthful hands of a 20 year old or perhaps they now

a little bit say the older hands of a 30 year old. One of the snails eye stalks kind of like keeps glancing around to look at you. I think I told you wrong. Is anyone as good as or better at directions than me?

So Isaac Newton turns around and says, I have been known to use divination magics to discover the trajectory and journey of things, but I need

something to connect me to a place or person. Why do you ask? You know how someone can have a good heart and make a big mistake chantelle it's like a big no chantelle doesn't say anything chantelle you can see i'll roll actually three stump you can see that chantal quite clearly is hiding is trying their dauntless to hide their disappointment but they are very upset you're doing a very good job chantal yeah yayola says are we lost perchance in a way only the stale is lost Wait, the snail thinks he knows where he's going, so he's not lost.

Yes. I will ask the snail to stop so that we may not get further lost. With a whip of his cloak, Sir Isaac Newton departs. The party is just very quiet. No one says anything. Chantel is kind of like sitting where you left her. She's not fallen to the floor. She was already on the floor. Chantel

is sitting in front of the fireplace kind of staring into the fire without saying anything. You can see she's still trying very hard to cover her disappointment, but it's not working. Yayola is standing near Chantel and isn't looking at you either.

It's just kind of like, maybe it's like muttering to herself. You could see, you could see Yola is like doing some mental arithmetic. Serene wonders over to you. She probably can't reach your shoulder, but she puts like a gentle hand on the middle of your back and pats you and does like a,

like a soothing gesture in your back. And she says says i am very sorry that you have um let me rephrase i'm very sorry that we are in this situation you tried your best but you did not succeed you got what you wanted but not what you need i'm sorry it's a little poem I'm working on. I call it a yellow. Adam, you can... Forgive me my poetry.

I let her have her poetry. Grazie, grazie, grazie. Mamma mia. It's... I... Look. Tristam just sort of maybe takes a sit in a corner and has a look to where no one can look at their face and they can't look at anyone else's face. It's a situation where Tree Stump would like to go be alone so they don't have to, no one has to pretend not to be disappointed in them, but they can't leave because they haven't fixed the problem yet.

So it's just time to be uncomfy for a bit sarin goes into the kitchen and when sarin goes into the kitchen sir isaac newton comes out as sir isaac newton comes back into the into the house the snail you feel it with like a little shudder comes to a stop sir isaac newton also walks over to you he doesn't have pants but he like grabs pinches like the hems of his robes pulls them up a little bit uh no actually even sitting you're taller than him he he looks up at you pinches his hems and then looks up he looks up at you and says i would not dwell too much upon this uh to err is to human human. It is something that we all must do. Even I, a traveller of the plains, a master conjurer, an elemental expert, must at times be incorrect. incorrect. As one learns, one

makes mistakes. That is the nature of things. In any case, this is a not in the grand scheme of things, especially given recent events. His eyes dart towards the fireplace and back. There are

just bigger issues in front of us right now, so I would not worry too much. it is a mistake easily remedied i must away to my divination pools with another whip of his robes he turns around and walks away um look that i guess on a surface level made me feel better did that help anyone else in the room or is the mood still pretty low uh chantelle stands up turns around to look at you she maybe before she glanced before she walks over to you she glances at yayola who kind of doesn't shrugs but with her eyes if you know what i mean yeah chantelle walks over to you chantelle is like the only one here tall enough that they look down at you when you're sitting chantal puts a hand on your shoulder and says it's going to be okay

she gives like a a squeeze like a not like a comfortable a comforting squeeze and then takes her a hand off your shoulder and walks into the kitchen as well. Yael probably joins Chantal in the kitchen. And as they enter the kitchen, Serene comes out with a tray of tea and biscuits. She sets it down in front of you. Oh, thank you. And these are this. Oh, these are for me, yeah? Yeah, see, see, see.

When I was young, when I was young, any time that we had a conflict or an issue or heightened emotions in my family, my mother, she would ensure that we had some tea. It's calming. Well, I think she must have been a lovely lady. She was.

She was an absolute angel to have to deal with me as a kid. I was very rowdy, Saren says. What did you do? I would cuss. I would spit. I would do many things unbecoming. And the tea fixed it? I remember if the heightened emotions,

they were rudeness or insult or whatnot, my mom, she would set me aside and she would say, Sarin, Sarin, she would say, she would say, you must make a tea as an apology right now and so i remember one time she made me make a tea for her because i i uh well because of another argument i spit on something she was working i was young i was young i was young i was a little shit when i was a kid oh scusa scusa sc I still cuss. Scusa, scusa, scusa. Well, I make you some tea,

so it doesn't matter. That's apology for now. She laughs. One time she makes me make her a tea, but I'm mad, see? I'm mad. I'm a little girl. I'm aggressive.

I'm a fighter. I always do fighting when I was young. And now I calm down. I still cuss, but I no fight no more. Anyway, I make her a tea. And then as I bring her the tea, I trip, she says, making air quotes.

And then I spill the tea on her. I was very, very, very naughty when I was young. I'm glad you didn't spill any tea on me. I would never. She reaches out and puts a hand on yours i would never do that to you thank you um we should see if sir isaac newton needs any help i think that's a good idea let's go do you have an extra cup i bring tea yeah she brought like tea cups out for everyone good she pours yourself and herself a cup of tea. You both grab them. She makes sure you've both got a biscuit.

And then you head off in search of Sir Isaac Newton. You wander up the stairs into his office, maybe once again taking cares to follow the line that he marked in his workshop so you don't stray from the path. As you're walking, big T, you spot, it's a different mirror this time, it's a little hand mirror and it's just leaning up against uh sorry it's in like a little cradle so it's obviously meant it's like a little cradle designed quite clearly because the design is the same the hand mirror has like a many hands

reaching up and going around it to to kind of like the top of the mirror where there's two hands with their fingers interlaced at the top and then then the little cradle, the little holder for it is also made out of hands, which are like holding it up. In that mirror, you get a quick glance at yourself. And the mirror version of you puts her finger to her lips and says, and then gestures for you to come closer. You can come closer without leaving the line. Like go a bit closer.

Like I'm staying on the line. I know what I'm allowed to do. And this seems allowed. The mirror tree stump gestures to a bookshelf past her. You can't actually see it in the reflection. But you can see that she's gesturing to a bookshelf. Maybe she mouths the word bookshelf. You see her mouth the word.

And then she says, there's a map in the bookshelf maybe she mouths the word bookshelf you see her mouth the word and then she says there's a map in the bookshelf but but but we can't read it's a map you can read pictures that's what we do i can read pictures but they're not very good that go in directions and i don't know what the towns are but i don't know what the towns are but that's what the map is for the map tells you the map will be pictures but how will't know what the towns are. But that's what the map is for. The map tells you. The map will be pictures, but how will I know which is which? Every town is just houses. But we've been to the town. We'll know the houses.

How do I? But they're too small. I'm big. How will I know? No, but they'll be big. How big's the map? All right, hang on. Have you ever seen a map?

Surely, yes. Yeah. Yeah! Well, if we've seen a map before, then you ever seen a map? Surely, yes. Yeah. Well, if we've seen a map before, then we've read a map before. I don't know if I read it, I just looked at it. I think we read it. Yeah, but someone told me what the places were. You clearly don't remember as well as I do. Oh, I have been making mistakes today.

Maybe you should listen to me instead. I was told I wasn't allowed to. Oh, by who? By Sir Isaac Newton. Maybe well, he was wrong too. When was he wrong? He's never been wrong in his life. You went the wrong way. No, he said he made me

mistakes as well. Yeah. Oh no. What if it's a mistake to not get the map? No. No? No. No. Serene. Serene. I'm tricking me.

Serene looks at the mirror you were looking at and looks at you and says, is there something wrong? I was trying to play a trick on me from the mirror. I do not know what you mean. I don't know why I do that. I love me. Can we go away now, please? All right, let's go.

Let's go. You come to a section of the laboratory where there are many basins. You recognize they're not exactly they're not like identical to the one that you saw tavatine and her deck holding but they're in like similar shapes with similar like appearance and obvious function to them like they'd all be about as shallow as each other and they've all got about as much water as they had you see other things here though you see crystal balls you see pendulums and pendants you also see a giant massive funnel that it's a comically large funnel that is slowly dripping water into a jar small and so small that your thumb would not fit into it. And it's working?

Yeah, it's slowly dripping. By drip, drip, drip, just a single drop into the jar. This would probably be suspended slightly above you. And in here, you see Sir Isaac Newton with a crystal ball in one hand, a pendulum in the other. The pendulum's hovering over a piece of paper. The pendulum seems to be tracing little patterns on the piece of paper and sir isaac newton is gazing into one of the pools of water he doesn't notice you as you approach ironically do you need the hand

sorry it's it's all right when one opens thy eye, thy might find that the other two close. Sorry, I was engrossed upon my studies. How may I help you? How may I help you? We just want to see if you need a hand or a cup of tea. I'm good for tea, thank you very much, but I could use... Nothing.

No, please. I asked if you were good for me. No, why would I... What do you mean? That doesn't... Okay, never mind. You said you were good for tea. I said, well, are you good for...

Oh, I see. It's a pun, a play on words. Very clever, he says. Oh, no, that's not what I see. It's a pun, a play on words. Very clever, he says. Oh, no, that's not what I meant. Oh, I'm sorry. Please forgive me then. I don't understand. Anyway, you might be able to help me yet. You have seen this forest, have you? Yes. Been there?

Yes. Certainly that is how we met. Do you have, perchance, something from the forest? Do I have something from the forest? Even something as simple as a branch or leaf? I don't brush my hair and I'm so tall I do hit the trees. I start looking in my head for a leaf that looks familiar. I'm trying to think what you have on you, what we gathered. I mean, you've got that

water-walking ring. I mean, that was acquired while we were in the forest at some point. Yeah, I can... Oh, the spear you've got was in a tomb. Was that near the forest? That spear came from a place in the forest, yes. You could use a spear, I guess.

Did it have to be made in the forest? Because I found this in the forest, yes. You could use a spear, I guess. Does it have to be made in the forest? Because I found this in the forest. I take out my spear. If it is made of wood that comes from a forest, then that would be most useful. But anything connected to the forest itself would be ideal. Did you find this in the forest

or something adjacent to the forest? I found this in the forest. Well then it should be good enough. Please pass it to me! I do. Over the years, our beautiful and talented artist Nathan Davis has created stellar

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or that little Google machine you've got there right from our website, sanspansradio.com slash shop and click the downloads icon. We've currently got several wallpaper packs available, but do check back often as I'm sure we'll add more, maybe in a further 10 years. So once again, that's sanspansradio.com slash shop and click that downloads icon. Can I feel around in my hair for like old twigs or leaves that...

Hives or lows? Hives. No, unfortunately, you recently did your yearly hairbrush. Oh, what are the odds? I'm sorry, Big T, but you feel your head and you remember you're bald. Oh, I shaved it for maintenance again. That's why I'm cold. Oh, no.

Sir Isaac Newton was going to buy you these beautiful combs for your hair. But I was going to sell all my hair so I could buy him these beautiful combs. That's not how that goes. That's not how that goes. It's so much funnier, though. He, I think it's he sells his lovely suit to buy her combs and she sells her lovely hair to buy him like a tie for his suit tie of cufflinks or something like cufflinks yeah but i like that they're both buying each other combs yeah that's lovely so that yeah so they're

each one is a couple of gifts giving each other cones. They're both trying to buy the other one a gift as opposed to one of them is buying something and the other one's getting them the money for the gift. Which is an infinitely funnier version. No, pocket watch, pocket watch. The gold chain for a pocket watch. Yes, that's right. And that has been our poor remembrance of the gift of the Magi. And with that, I've been Adam.

I've been Cass. And I've been Joel. We've never done this on D&D's, but it's upsetting. I feel like I've got to end this episode. Anyway. We've all been whatever the equivalent of finishing for a Pavlov is. Someone says, well, I've been this person. You're like, oh, and I have too.

Bye. I guess we have to go now. I have to finish now. I have to tell you who I am and leave. Big T, you hand the spear over to Sir Isaac Newton. Sir Isaac Newton lays the spear down on the table before him. He wraps it up in some of the papers that are just around him, and he then kind of like starts running letters and numbers and whatnot on the pieces of paper that wrap around the spear begin to float up into the air, like the ink is just flying away. Slowly, each of the different letters begins to form sentences in front of Sir Isaac Newton.

As he does that, Sir Isaac Newton starts saying, yes, yes, yes. The words begin resolving into sentences, which begin resolving into paragraphs. Sir Isaac Newton throws out a hand towards you and Sirin and says, I need ink, ink quill and paper. Can I see any? I look around. Yeah, it's all over the place. Oh, done. Okay, I give it to him. He starts writing down. You can see that he's making a copy of the words

in front of him. He's not, he's like maintaining focus on it, not looking away. He throws the piece, he like fills the piece of paper with writing, throws it aside and calls out, paper! And I assume you give him the piece of paper. Race around, do that.

He writes again and again and again until he fills several pages of the scripts that is coming before you. And then finally he lets out like a giant sigh and the words all fall to the ground. That's a lot of ink. I'm going to have to clean up later he says but no matter he starts snatching up the pieces of paper these are instructions upon how to get to your destination brilliant i must take these to the snail sir isaac newton dashes forwards

you look out the window you see it's nighttime when did that happen moments later the snail! Sir Isaac Newton dashes forward. You look out the window, you see it's night time. When did that happen? Moments later, the snail begins kind of rumbling in a different direction. As Sir Isaac Newton is rushing off as well, Sirin gives you a really proud look and says, we did well.

We did help, didn't we? We did. We did help. You helped. You helped too. I did not. You helped. You helped too. I did not have a despair. You had the wherewithal to grab a pen. I made a cup of tea, she says. You did make a cup of tea. It's a good cup of tea.

It's good, right? I'm not lying. It is. It's all right. Yeah, it's a good cup of tea. Just a good cup of tea. Just a good cup of tea. Oh, thank God. Imagine if it sucked.

Imagine someone being like, this is what I do to help people. And then you take a sip and you're like, this is piss. I can't. This is just human wastewater. All right. So you spend the next couple of days traveling towards the forest. Does it look like it's worked? Well, eventually eventually like maybe after

one or two days you just spot the tree line in the distance so you can tell that you are now going in the right direction and they look like the right trees and everything yeah absolutely i think one of the days i've got my head out the window we're all looking i'm like this is where i was trying to go but i can't imagine that would land well so that that just lands over those days fire does not shut up about anything fire fire just talks and talks and talks and talks she is so she's passionate about everything i'll talk with her if she's having dinner it's the best dinner she's ever had if she gets up in the morning she's had the best dreams of her life if you play a game of dragon chess with her it's the most exciting game of dragon chess in her entire life everything feels like

both a the first time she's ever done it and and B, the best time it will ever be. Well, I hope it continues this trajectory, otherwise her life's going to be very sad. You get no impression that this is not just her personality. You feel like she's just hopelessly optimistic and happy. A physical embodiment of happy to be here. The only time you get anything other than blanket positivity is when you talk

about her home if that ever comes up she obviously gets a bit dejected and you can see you know how i described her as like a little being of fire yeah it's like it's like from a big red flame she becomes just a little blue one oh she gets blue talking about home that's the only time you see her being anything other than relentlessly positive. Well, I don't bring it up. That seems mean. If you don't bring it up, no one else is bringing it up. So it doesn't come up very often.

Maybe Sir Isaac Newton every now and then probes her with a question, just trying to figure out where she comes from. And she gets sad during that. And maybe a few times she might mention, like, how something reminds her of home or something like that. But it doesn't come up very often. I'd like to collect information about the things she says about her home. Okay.

Has she said anything about the, I don't know, a particular thing she liked about it or a feature? Like, what are some notable things that she's mentioned about home? It was like a big one, like a big fire, and it was a fireplace, but it wasn't like three walls of fireplace. It was like all open a fireplace with a chimney up on top that was in the roof, And it was a wood fireplace. They never put coal, which is good because I don't like coal.

It's stinky. It smells bad. I don't like it. I'll make sure we don't ever give you coal to eat. Just wood is good. Thank you. Okay. And sometimes there was a dog, a big shaggy dog, and it would come and it would lie by the fire.

And, um, sometimes I'd blow little, little sparks out of the fire at the dog's nose for fun. And the dog would sneeze. Um, and that's it. What color was the dog? Uh, it was, um, uh, it might have been red. What colour was the dog? It was... It might have been red, but that might have just been the fire. Okay, okay. Okay.

You've got this. You've got this. You're narrowing it down. And then sometimes there was a cat, and the cat was big. It was as big as the dog, and the dog was was big and the dog was as big as a person, but not like a big person, the ones that I saw. It was like as big as a regular person. And the cat was as big as the dog and the dog was as big as a person.

And I think that cat was a panther. So the cat was black? No. What color was the cat then? I think it was red, but that might have been the fire. Oh, fuck. I can't believe I got you with that. That's about...

Yeah, that's only so much any of us can take. Eventually, after, we'll say like four days you get to the tree line where the the badlands kind of just suddenly stops and then the forest begins when you get to that point sir isaac newton calls you all over and he says it has been a pleasure traveling with you. I, in these days, have come to call you friends. And I hope you feel the same. Only in these last days. Well, what? That's in Tree Stump's head. Sorry.

I thought he was a friend as soon as I met him. That's a bit quick. My heart is open. There's no door. That's why you're not allowed to talk to the mirrors. That makes sense. My heart is open even for tricky me. And it is with that statement that I say that I have a heavy heart

in that I must leave you. The snail on which my home rests unfortunately cannot conduct itself within the tree line, at least not without causing much distress to the denizens of the forest. And as much a powerful wizard as I am, I do not fuck with tree spirits.

That's fair enough. That's scary. And thus, I will bid you good day, and best luck. I wish to give each of you something to help you on your journeys. Here it is. My business card.

He has one to each of you. That was too easy, Cass. What did I even say? It's blank on both sides. How do I use it? If you hold it in your hands and conjure a mental image of me, it will open up a telepathic link,

no matter where I might be in the multiverse. Or even if I'm cooking. And you may ask of me anything you might wish. Or if it is within my power, I may even come to aid you in a situation. It is a rare gift of mine. I do not give it out lightly, so do not use it lightly. Tree Stump shuts their open mouth. They were definitely not about to ask if this means we can just call up

and have a cup of tea. But the magic contained within the card allows for a consistent use. Basically, what I'm saying is I owe you a favor, but... Well, I don't owe you a favor. There's no favors between friends. But anyway, should you at all ever wish to just speak with me as well, you may use the card to do that. I'm always up for a cup of tea and a biscuit.

Oh, it's like you read my mind. It is, he says. Anyway. That's scary. I sense that there is time-important duties that you must attend to. I wish you good luck in these. And please never forget your friend, Sir Isaac Newton. With that last shattering thunder, the snail and the shell upon it disappear.

And you're just standing in front of the forest, all of you. Does it feel like we fell? No. It just feels like you were always standing on the ground. Well, uh, this is our stop. Sarin says, let us go forward in the search of our good friend

and and Glopple, she says. What? He's a kid. He's a a kid he's a joke because we know Glapel better than we know Tavitine oh I'm getting so good at jokes

I wonder if I was just playing a joke on myself maybe it was a silly map in the mirror Yael starts walking forwards um I think I might know the way I've been oh I do everyone's quiet. But I'm happy for someone else to go first.

You look at everyone who's just giving you a very blank expression until you get to Fire, who's looking at you like almost thumbs up, like, yeah. No, you can go. I don't want to be a directions hog. Yayola leads the way, which was a good decision. Oh, thank God. Meanwhile, Glopple.

Yeah. Tavertine slowly helps you to your feet. I need to quickly roll as well for a special something something. Oh, a special something something. Oh, a special something something. Yeah, I've got a neat surprise. Oh. Oh, lucky. Okay, that could be worse.

This has surprisingly went well for them, I think. Okay. Tavitine helps you to your feet. He looks very concerned at you. And then he hands you a walking, not cane, a walking frame. It is made out of one piece of wood. It does not look like Tavertine got this for you. This absolutely looks like a grey dove creation.

All right. Am I... How old has... Can I... How hard was it to get up, basically? I'm trying to, like, ascertain. You needed Tabertine's help to get up. Can I walk?

You can walk with the frame. Yeah. Well, to find out what other surprises are in store for Gloppel, tune in next time for stories of the Greyhill Free Company. I love you. could acquire and listen to, with many of them having a choose price option so I could swindle them by choosing zero dollars. Oh shit, they do? I just gotta head to sanspantsradio.com slash shop, click on downloads and peruse all the garbage they have on offer and then give them nothing? Well, dreams can come true.

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