D&D is For Nerds - The Auticcus #3 Mobius

Episode Date: January 16, 2016

The AuticcusIn which our heroes make the DM want to die. We see Bapbap be very serious, down health potions like it's going out of style and freak out because we're dropping too low. Atticus cuts a bird cleanly in two, Nathaniel give the DM 'a look' and Ira finally needs to steer the ship. So join us as we recreate some classic literature. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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have yourself a couple of drinks, a meal or two, and see us talk nonsense live and in person. Now, onwards to the show. Hi, welcome to episode 3 of D&D SideQuests. I'm Joel Zammett, and I'll be playing the part of Nathaniel Kraken. I'm Jackson Bailey playing the part of Atticus Bluebird. And I'm Leo James playing the part of Ira Thornborough. As always, I'm your great DM, Adam.

Previously. I feel the ship shifting. You're going either off course or something's happening. Do me a favour, just make sure we keep this heading. He has literally never let anyone else hold the captain's wheel. He just used you to hold the captain's wheel. Do it wrong. Do it wrong.

The clouds actually look more like they're a swarm of something. Oh, I'm assuming some kind of birds there. But I don't know. They could be birds. Do you know what they are? I think I do. Do you want to enlighten are? I think I do. Do you want to enlighten me?

I think they might be arrow hawks. I want you to go downstairs, tell the folks to get into their cabins and not to come out for a little while. So imagine like a pirate's ex marks the spot. But then give the ex feathers, okay? Get gone, foul beast! Are griffins like unicorns where it's bad to kill one? No, I think it's good.

I'm the strongest lad in the land. You are. Strongest and handsomest. Strongest and handsomest man, even though I've got a knife-patched gold toothpick left. And with your other hand, you grab the side of the griffin. You push with all of your might, and you roll the griffin onto

its side and you are standing over it now. The one of them is going to lose you a body part. What do you want? Yeah, I kind of want to lose a body part. What is it going to be? Slashing or piercing?

Which one do you think? Alright, let's say slashing. Slashing? Severed hand. The hook! I'm going to be? Slashing or piercing? Slashing or piercing? Which one do you think? All right, let's say slashing. Slashing? Severed hand. The hook! That's so cool. I'm going to get a hook. Still fighting those arrow hawks. Atticus, it's your turn. You're enlarged now.

Are they within punching range? Just grab them, smooch them. Now that you're enlarged, yeah. I would like to punch one square in the beak with my other hand with your stomach yes please no but what if I hit them yes

what a time to be me just let Adam compose himself for a second the arrow hawk expecting an attack from your sword is caught somewhat unaware

when with your stump arm you swing around and slam it in the side of its head you deal some damage to it

but whether or not you kill it is another matter. No, you do not kill it. I didn't want to leave you hanging. Can I cleave? You didn't kill it. No, you gotta kill it. Oh, I gotta kill it.

That's right. I forgot how to cleave work. That puts it at... Iroh's turn. Do you look like a gringo? Gringo's turn. I still feel like... It's my middle name. One of them is slightly dizzy after being stuck in the face.

Two of them are flying away after attacking Zamet. From the first time that you fire the arrows, you're judging roughly, because the first shot was pretty good, and it took two to kill it. You reckon it'd take two shots to take one of these down. So we have one left. The other two have flown off after attacking Zamet. No, they just did a swooping roll.

They might fly off because they are starting to disperse but they might not as well. Okay, while the one is dazed from the stump punch, I'll go for rapid shot. Both on it? Yeah. Cool.

Okay, so you fire both of your arrows But as you're firing your arrows The airship must have hit Like an extra dense layer Of the arrow walks down below Because the entire ship shudders And both of your shots go wide Does it hit another one?

No they just go over the side of the ship And ruin the song I've lost my eye And my face mama another one? No, they just go over the side of the ship and ruin some child. That poor old child. I've lost my eye and my face, mama. And all that stuff fell on me. Whatever.

Okay, Daniel, it's your turn. I'm just going to magic missile. Can I do, like, several magic missiles at different targets

or is it all at one? What do you mean, sorry? Oh, you get three missiles? Yeah, you can choose different targets. Yeah, because there's three of them, right? You've got to choose

before they hit, obviously. Oh, yeah, yeah. So you can't fire one and then be like, is it dead? No, no. Yeah, so one on each. Okay, cool.

I hope you kill me. You stupid birds. Okay, the one, one magic missile strikes the one that's fucking Attica's hit. Double punch.

That one like sends it spinning. It's like barely holding control in the air right now. And as it spins it sprays blood everywhere. It's like a fucking like, what do you call it? Like a sprinkler of blood.

Some stump blood. You hit another one of them. The two that slipped you. You hit one of them with a glancing blow. And the other one with a really good one. It rocks it, but it manages to keep its bearings and just keeps flying. Sick. That was Nathaniel.

Their turn. Oh, no. Time to get wrecked. You should have gone below deck. Should have. The one that blasted you, Atticus, it swoops you. It's like, well, maybe that'll work a bit better. Or at least it tries.

Not at all! With a sweeping blow of your longsword, you knock it aside. You could have hit it behind your leg. Unfortunately, you hit it with the flat part. If you'd thought to twist it and hit it with the blade, you might have lobbed its head off. But you hit it right in the neck.

Binge. The other two spin around and they've really only been hit by you. They certainly have. So, can I get a high or a low? Let's go with some lows I'm sorry

Nate what are you doing Just brace You get hit Twice Oh god Oh no Bang I'm out

You're done son Point of damage Bang I'm out You're done son We're as far as the Glen when you need to 9 points of damage That's not good 9 points of damage Oh boy What do you guys Negative 8

You should have gone below that You doofus I don't want to have to heave your body Over the edge of the ship You both see Nathaniel fall to his knees Potentially dead You have two rounds To get to him

Otherwise he's dead He's proper dead Two rounds. Someone wants to just jab like a health potion in my face. That'd be great. Just rub my throat. Yeah, okay, cool. Atticus, it's your turn.

The finch, as I should call you. Huh? Atticus Finch? You have a finch. I don't have health potions. Sorry, chum. Maybe not use your stupid stop punching things in this game. Ben, you have a health potion? I do.

You know he has a health potion. Oh, cool. Then I'll rush over to you. You sure? Let me think. No, I'm still filled with kind of a blood rage. Cut lass. I'll cut my lasses. Have you been fighting thus far? And slice a cunt as they say

you hit it do I ever probably gonna kill it yeah okay it like avenge me quickly ties

once you battered it away it quickly ties tries to twist its head around to try and get one last nip at you but it made a big mistake after you hit it with the flat of your blade you're like oh right

that's right that's a sharp side that. After you hit it with the flat of your blade, you're like, oh, right. That's a sharp side. That's right. That's a sharp side. That's how you cut off, and it falls dead onto the deck. Awesome. Good. She left.

Leave it, motherfucker. No, yeah, go clean. No, they're not close enough. Oh, actually, no, they did fly back. Yeah, no, you can clean. Sweet. You can catch it. You spin around and try to catch another one.

Slice! No, that's a shame. A bridge too far, my friend. Ooh, close. You spin around, and the blood all over you from your thumb pan and such is like making the grip on your sword slippery. And for a brief terrifying moment,

you almost lop off Ira's head Ira it's your turn oh my goodness can he though or is he about to start drowning you start clapping so how about you four

you like turn around and maybe you're You start clapping! Simon, you fool! Okay. You, like, turn around, and maybe you're... I don't know what you were going to do this round. Maybe you were going to attack. Maybe you were going to help your friend here. Doesn't matter, because you turn around, and you're like... Atticus, you can see blood just drooling out of his mouth. Oh, my God, everyone's dying.

You can still do stuff, but you are very distracted right now. Can I communicate to Patio and send him to Attack? No, send him to Nathaniel with a potion. Atticus, sorry.

Patio doesn't have the manual dexterity with his claws to administer a potion, unfortunately. He's a powerful owl. He's also just an owl. The snake might be able to pull it off because it's intelligent. Your owl is like,

what's it? Okay, there's liquid in this mysterious ball field. But he can fetch. He can bring it to you. He can bring it to you. He can't do the opposite. Yeah. He can bring it to you. So he can it to you. He can't do the opposite. Yeah. Oh, okay.

He can bring it to you. So he can't fetch from me and give to Nathaniel. I'd argue he could, but like not... He could drop the phone. He's like, what? He's like, what? He couldn't. He couldn't sleep.

Imagine like just a really well-trained owl. That's what you have. So then, yes, you could do it. Yeah. No. Like an octopus, maybe. An owl just physically could. Well, I you could do it. Yeah, that's right. Like an octopus, maybe. An owl just physically couldn't. Well, I asked for an octopus.

Oh, my God. If you want to do this, I will give you a roll. But if the owl fucks it up, you lose the potion. I think we've got to try. Like, if I succeed. If he succeeds, he gets the potion. If you fail, Which is very likely You lose the potion

It's a gamble It's a gamble It's a good You know Fun gamble That's what we're about here Jackson lost a hand I think I can afford

To lose a potion Can Zandvich Do you want to use One of your potions Or your one right Yeah I've got Three of them So yeah

Let's go for it Yeah Okay You want to do this Yeah Red hot go Yeah You want to do this Adam Yeah. Red hot go. Yeah. You want to do this?

Adam rolls, doesn't look, you fail. I've done that before. No, no, no, no. Can I get your character sheet quickly? Because I need to see your owl stats specifically. Just your owl stats. Oh, yes. Just your owl stats.

I don't know. It just sounded like a thing. Just owl stats. Just owl stats. Lose a potion, mate. Does it just smash on Zalat? The owl crawled over and licked it up. Patio, with his claws, tries to grasp at the stopper,

but instead just grasps the potion proper and squeezes. Does it fall on the egg? No, it falls on his chest. Oh, wow. We tried. We did. Probably the best, because otherwise fucking Nathaniel's going to be swallowing glass. Yeah.

God help me. Okay. Nathaniel, your turn. I... You need to make a stabilizing throw. Well, I'll make it for you. Start dying? Next round, you can make it for you.

Yeah, you're on negative nine now. I got you. Next round, if you don't save, you'll die. I got you. Don't worry. I hope. Anyway. I'll say, though, Ira, you can also stumble over to where Nathaniel is.

So next round, you can administer the potion yourself. You're just having a bit of trouble right now. Yeah, yeah. I got you. You're having stress. yourself you're just having a bit of trouble right now yeah yeah do like the three kings thing and like you put your thumb where the puncture is yeah do a valve or some shit i don't know i forget that tracheotomy hands don't ask me to because it's only it's been a while uh You can see. Heise or Lowe's? For who? Anyone. Lowe's? Lowe's? That's my favourite store.

One of the... Shut up. There is a convenience store. Not a convenience store. Discount clothing store? Discount clothing store called Lowe's. I don't know if it's outside of Australia. I hope not. I hope there's a discount clothing store called Heise

somewhere in the world like an you know like a boutique really specialized it's just the opposite yeah so one of the

arrow hooks fucks off and oh yeah it's their turn as well the arrow hook spins around eeny meeny

miny moe catch a tigger by the tongue if it holds like a eeny meeny miny moe Catch a tigger by the toe If it hoes like a Eeny meeny miny moe It swoops It's like eating my corpse It misses

It like swings You don't even need to deflect it It's just like It misses you completely It like wobbles a little bit This is the one that got The really good blast From Nathaniel's magic missile And so it's like It swings a little One of its wings the one that got the really good blast from Nathaniel's magic missile. And so it's like

its wings, one of its wings is fucked up. And it can't balance itself properly. So they can't land. Are they constantly flying? What's the go with these things? You guys don't know this, but they come from the plane of air, which is basically just sky infinitely, forever.

So they never need to. How do these work? What are they doing here? Some magic. How do they sleep? Explain it later. I'm excited. There's an intrigue there for me to have.

Atticus. I've seen this Muggins just absolutely fuck up delivering a potion. I like to imagine you've got the potion and the owl and you're like,

and I'm like, no, no, no. You can the owl and I'm like no so you could either finish this fight off or you can guarantee Nathaniel Nathaniel has a chance I'm a gambling man take the gamble, fight the bird fight the bird

throw my sword at the bird what? I don't, I don't, I just stab at the bird. Fight the bird. I throw my sword at the bird. What? I don't. I don't. I just stab at the bird. Yeah! Then you kill the bird and initiative's over. Hey, that's true.

You kill the bird. You, like, as it swoops you, you just lean your sword out and it cuts itself cleanly in two on your sword from the beak going down. That's amazing. No, that's it. Alright.

It's a bit late. We'll stay in initiative just for as long as it takes for Ira to stop drowning and for Nathaniel to come back to life. Ira, administer that health potion. Please don't die. Hang on, wait. Okay, you're still drowning.

My health potion counts how much throat I've got. Yeah, do you want to do that? Yes. Okay, so lose another health potion, but... Six hit points. All right. Positive six. Oh, thanks.

I'm still dying oh no no no I'm back a little bit but not enough ok um then I'm gonna keep it an initiative

just until Ira stops drowning because it helps because drowning works on round yeah yeah no fair enough so uh

Nathaniel you wake up what do you wanna do I'm gonna try and help Ira but I don't know what to do so I'm just gonna try and give him a like I don't know a gentle pat on the back you just going to try and give him, like, I don't know,

a gentle pat on the back. You can make a heel check. I'll do it. Alright, do that then. So, after... Thank you. So in a very, like, you pat my back, I'll pat your scenario. He's like, I'm not dead. Whoa, you're dying. Oh, I know what to do here.

Guess who gets the... Guess who is the only one here who gets a positive tetherial check? Ira. That's fine. I think you've got... Still passed, though. Something drowning. You've got the fuck lung.

Did you see the owl? Did you... Ira's like... You're like holding his chest where like his punctured lung is. And you're like... And you're also holding him. I just want to remember they took my hand. Hold my chest with your stomach.

I like that in the world of D&D... Stop drowning. In the world of D&D... Stabbed in the lung. Dying. Right? Dead. Dying.

Lose a hand, though. Fine. Fine. Whatever. I'm not even bleeding out. You are very much in shock. Show my stump to everyone. Am I in pain?

Guys. I don't know. Are you? Well, I feel like I lost a hand. You're in heavy shock. Maybe not. I'd like to gesture for a health potion don't know. Are you? Well, I feel like I lost a hand. You're in heavy shock. Maybe not. I'd like to have a gesture for a health potion. Yep.

Enrico. There you go. Enrico. Ira. Yeah. Enrico Palazzo. You restore seven hit points. Oh, man.

So it's a bit late to suggest this. Could the homunculi have fought with us? The 100 homunculi. That's us? The 100 homunculi. That's like a swarm of homunculi. Damn it! Well, they kind of were. But now you're spoiling the surprise. The homunculi start dragging arrowhawk corpses onto the deck.

Dinner! I'd like to go over to the griffon body and just heft it off the side of the boat no as you're doing that I'm a trophy what's wrong with

that comes up onto the deck oh you guys have all noticed that the ship is now slowing down and eventually comes to a stop bat bat comes up onto the deck

hang on wait I need the eye nope wow how you doing eh is this a gnomish? Yeah? How you going?

Fuck. It's kind of American. It's like the only one I can do. Oh, hi there. I'm American Little Gnomish. Oh, hi there. There we go. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Just a minute. Don't you be throwing that griffin head off. They took my hand. They took my hand. The birds did. Well, you throw that thing off and I'll take your fucking head. All right.

Atticus. This is possibly the most threatening Bap Bap has ever been. All right. I'll just go up. Let's just clean up with the birds. You're going to stay here. Okay.

From behind Bap Bap, you didn't even realize he'd left, Father Tolos comes up as well. Lot of use you are! I'd like to wrestle him. Like run at him right now? You're my stump. I need you to be very serious with me for one moment.

You actually run at him and wrestle him? Is Father Tolod next to the railing? Pretty much. No, okay then, no. I thought he was down, like, I didn't know, I just feel like, whoa! I got Tolod. I got Tolod.

Tolod, heal them. That's right, Tolod. I put out my stone. Heal me. Bring my hand back. Tolod's not sweating. Come on, Tolod, they took my hand. Fix it up. Toled comes over well with the power

with the power of Chronopolis I say heal he puts one hand on your stump one hand on your forehead heal I love this Chronopolis. Is it healing me? It hurts a bit when he clenches.

Okay. Sit down, my boy. Let the power of Chronopolis work itself on you. I'm going to give like... He starts bandaging you as well. Batbap will look like... This fucking guy? He's not interested in you at all.

He gestures to Nathaniel and Ira. Help me move this griffon. I need to take it to the rear of the ship. Oh, all right. That's cool. Let's just like not have a rest

from nearly dying. That's fine. Yeah, let's just waste this up. All right, let's do this. I'm sorry. You finally have to do what you're paid for. Oh, no. I just figured I was dead. I's fine. Yeah, let's just hoist this up. Alright, let's do this. I'm sorry. You finally have to do what you're paid for. Oh, no. I just figured. I was dead. I was dead. Cool.

We'll do that. Can't the homunculi lift this? Homunculi are pretty busy dragging Harrowhawk. I'm pretty sure a lot of homunculi died in this attack as well. Alright, let's do this. That's funny. Might as well do it.

Okay, we'll hoist that. So over the course of like the next two hours, the next two hours is basically you guys dragging the griffon to the end part of the ship. You're like kind of like arranging a lot of corpses right now. Father Glenn Tolod goes around and he like basically does what's it called spirit faith healing he does faith healing to you guys um which is just a lot of like to his credit he is pretty good at like bandaging and stuff like that so all of your cuts and grazes and bruises

and stuff like that lungs neatly taken care of and And he has this ointment with him that he rubs onto your wounds. And it stings a little bit, but he tells you it's basically going to stop infection and that sort of stuff. How many of the bird corpses are left? Up here? Yeah. There's like maybe 50.

Okay, can I... I can see the fury in your eye. I don't know what you're going to do yet. I don't know if I should be mad. So I'm going to have a hand. Now the fury is coming. The bird beaks. I want to start thinking of bird talent, but all right.

Just shove a bird beak like the two mouths into my hand. One would be a pretty good hook. Yeah. One half. Well, how? I'll figure out the how I can sort out down the track. I just need to separate

two beaks from it. I know how. I'll go chat to Millip. He's a fucking sorcerer. He's a salesman. A bunch of the passengers come on deck as well and Millip is one of them.

Millip. I wave my stomp over at him. Hines? Yes! Millip goes below decks and comes back with some like a glob of metal.

Just a glob of metal. Things are looking up abacus. Everything's going up Jackson today it's a good day to be made you realize now that Millip probably has like some wizard levels which is not good

for roleplaying but Millip has like some wizard powers when he casts a spell and the ball of like maybe iron or metal or whatever it is becomes like super liquidy in his hands. Do you want one?

No, I want two like a beak. You won't be able to move it. What about essentially he's going to make a hook hand for you. In a line. I've had two. In a line. I'll draw a picture. I know what you mean but it'd be super inconvenient.

It's like a hook. I know what you mean but the beaks are big. Oh, okay. I'll just have one. Are they going to rot? They hook a lot. Yeah, I'll have a hook hand. That's fine. He makes the metal reform around your stump. So that you have a hook in that hand.

Made out of the beak and it's the beak of the bird that took your hand I searched for that bird he'll be the one near my hand covered in stump blood I'd like to put a hand on Millip's shoulder and be like you are a good man Millip you ever need anything done

I'm your man also I throw my old hand over the edge I don't need this shit anymore I'm your man. Also, I throw my old hand over the edge. Do I need this shit anymore? No, I'll avoid this time. You guys are over the sea. You guys are really far east. I like the thing is it lands, it grabs a fish.

You guys are really far east, like way off course. A shield on your arm? Not now. Not now, it's too late. Samad, let's not push it with the hook. I already got an amazing hook hand out of my feet. Do we know that we're not where we need to be? A lot... Wow, really west of here.

Where's Bat-Bat? Hang on, wait. I'm not quite done yet. Sorry. Did he give a look? I didn't see. No. No, it's...

He just accepted his fate. You don't even need a cold. Bat Bat comes up himself. He's got this kit with him. And balanced on the kit are a bunch of health potions. He distributes them to you guys. Cheers, Bat Bat. Possibly he just knew about Glenn Toller.

Here you go. Drink these potions. You'll need them for the trip ahead. Sure. Wait, wait, wait. What trip? Not Glenn Toller. Here you go. Drink these potions. You'll need them for the trip ahead. Sure. Wait, wait, wait. What trip? Sorry.

What, hang on. Whoa. Hang on. Cotton picking. All right. Whoa. Hang on. Wait a minute. Hold on.

Just a moment. Whoa. Just a split second. Excuse me. Drink the potions first. Yes. I fucking hate you. Undoing the cork.

Wait, what did you just say? Hang up. Ira, you recover 14 points. What are you talking about? Sweet. Hang on, just one. Just another. I just need another one real quick.

Oh, Atticus, I'm going to say from the work the gnome did on your hand, you recover your constitution. Oh, sick. Also, Atticus, you're on full health. As if it never even happened. That's awesome. My hand is useless.

Throw it off the edge. As if it's always been. Nathaniel, you are also on full health. Amazing. You guys drink. As you drink, he been you. Nathaniel, you are also on full health. Amazing. You guys drink. As you drink, he opens up the little case he brought with him, and it seems to be some sort of alchemical creation kit or something like that.

Now, feel free to start questioning. What do you mean by just a hint? I thought we were just looking after the homunculi. Like, what did we... What have we signed up for? I don't mind, but I want to know what we do. You're also here for muscle. Right.

Okay. Vague. That damn fake ship and a vague. Batbat leans over to the griffin and taps on its... It's got like a collar, you've just realized. The collar is like super thin. It's just like this tiny little almost thin strand of metal that goes around. This griffin is one of two.

I don't care if this one's dead. That's fine. You can kill it. But the other one... I need that one alive. And this collar here, it's going to lead me to it. I mean, they wouldn't travel far away from each other. I need it. I need it now.

What do you need it for? There we are. Everyone has gotten really quiet and is staring at you guys. You mean the homunculi? Oh no, they're passengers. Not on the homunculi. That's really spooky to imagine them all just standing up looking like popcorn at their burrows.

Captain Batbat stands up. He takes the little collar off and he says I want to talk about this to you guys in private. As he says that

Lord Wilton steps up and says well hang on a gosh darn moment. I don't think me and my wife or my child are ready to be

subjected to any of your nonsense young man. I feel like I was going to have an Adam cut scene. Sorry. Pat-Pat turns to him and says, you're going to do what you're told.

At that point, maybe the 50 homunculi on the deck stop what they're doing and all turn to look at Lord Wilton. Wow. Seems like this ship is... Terrifying. Well, well. Okay. The Wiltons, Burfellow, and Silverpine are all led back to their rooms by the homunculi.

You stand there with Captain Batbat. So before I begin, what was the arrangement? How much am I paying you? How much was he paying us? Probably like 10 gold a mile, which is like in the course of a month, you might earn like 10k gold. Wow, this was cushy. Yeah, it sounds about right.

What you guys have been doing with that gold who knows love potion yeah 10 gold a mile that's what was agreed upon actually you know what

probably he's like promising this you this for you at the end yeah yeah cool that makes more sense so you don't just jump as soon as you get land

yeah 10 gold per mile. How would you like to make 100 gold a mile? And how would you like to go so far off course? You're going to be very rich men by the end of this. Has anyone ever told you that you're beautifully insane? I'm on board. You're speaking my language.

If you want me to throw anybody overboard, I'm on it. Well, I hope it won't come to that. But it might. But it might. Now, let me explain some things to you. I don't know if you know this, but I happened to have stolen this airship. I never would have guessed. I had no idea.

From the gnomes. I lied. Absolute surprise. From the gnomish king. I'm the gnomish military. Wow. In the act of stealing it, I might have accidentally set free the king's

favorite griffin. Oh. I look at the dead griffin. No, not this one. This was its mate. He didn't care about this one. This one's fine. But the other one, a pure white griffin. Have we ever seen anything so splendorous? Not yet.

That sounds incredible. A pure white griffin by the name of Mobius. Adam. Pure white Mobius. Got it. Okay. Adam you're what Moby is I think I see where this is going I need to capture it if I can bring it back

they'll let me home again what's your name, Captain Ahab? I think you're right Captain Flimpopat are you feeling alright? I had a punch and lung. I don't know. My voice is getting a bit strange.

There's something in my throat. You're upsetting me. Have you got a punch and lung too? If you can help me capture Mobius, I will pay you so much. I will pay you anything. I will pay you so much. I will pay you anything. I will give you my ship. I've been away from home

for so long. Do you know how much I miss my family? I extend my bird hook. You've got a deal. He takes your bird hook. We've got a deal. Let's find this Mobius. What's that you know,

we're heading in the right direction. Father Glenn Tollard starts shaking his head. Why? No, no, I can't. I could never. I need to get home, he says. He looks, you guys have noticed, like, as he's been treating you, it's quite obvious that he now knows that

you now know that he's kind of a sham. And he's a little frightened about the future maybe I want to like give Bap Bap a look and kind of like gesture with my head like overboard no no no Toled why don't you go back down to the crew quarters um

once again with the homunculus's help Toled is led back down to the crew quarters. Just all looking at the wide eye. Ira, I need you to just keep us steady for a little bit. I'm going to get it started again. You keep us steady. I got a homuncular to recreate.

I saw. A lot of homuncular. Maybe more than a hundred. Maybe enough to take down a lot, Griffin. How big are these Griffins? I mean, like, that one we took down was not. The Griffin you took down just now is large.

Do you ask? Yeah, like, how big is it? This one's a bit bigger than your average Griffin. Don't worry, though. Is it male or female? I need, while I'm doing that, I need you, Atticus to supervise a little installation

Alright, I mean, you know, you've got a deal But is the white griffon, is it male or female? It would be the male That poor dead other griffon Look for babies in it, woo How big considering if that's the mate How do griffon. Look for babies in its womb. How big, considering if that's the mate, then

how do griffons work? Are griffons like spiders? This one was unnaturally large. Griffons should only be about this big. As far as I know, griffons are like spiders and upon mating, the male eats the female. Boy, you've got some problems. All right. Captain,

can I just ask the condition of the balloon um has it been pierced by arrowheads uh nathaniel you'll probably have to supervise some of the repairs oh right what are you doing with the corpse of this griffin i want to hold on to it i think we might be able to use it as bait this is sick and twisted. All right, let's go. I'm going to go. You do you. Now, if there's anything we know about modern literature, it's that this story ends well.

All right, Bap-Bap, you. I'm just going to go and repair the balloon. All right, I... What kind of... Hang on, what kind of installation are we talking? A big net? Oh, all right, you're asking the captain. Just go down below deck.

Some of the homunculi are already working on it. Oh, my God. All right, I'll head below deck. BD, as they say. Nathaniel, you supervise the repairs with the homunculi, which is really like as serious as he's gotten, it's still just like you open the thing, just look around. Yeah, everything seems fine.

It's all right, I guess. The homunculi aren't fucking dropping spanners all over the place. For some reason, I know the homunculi look like what's in the monster manual, but I just imagine these little, you know, chocolate jelly babies? Yeah. I just imagine little ones of them just being like, walking around dropping shit. They're cute now.

I know, I don't know why, but when they were sleeping, I just imagined little, like, tiny chocolate babies being like, I don't know why. That's cute. Now, 50 of those chocolate babies died, Jackson. 50 of them just died. Oh, that's sad. But fine.

Anyway. You, as the ship slowly starts getting underway again, you just need to hold the thing steady. It's not really... And you do it so well. It's like just holding the thing you got a 20 that was kind of a wasted 20 to be honest but hey you are steering that ship like a motherfucker did you have training in the woods who knows you go below decks the homunculi are like shifting all of the

cargo stuff out of the way there's like the the bottom last deck is the cargo deck you've never seen them shift this far before until they come to this massive crate. They open the crate, and inside is like... You know what a harpoon is. And it's attached to some sort of massive launching device, like a ballast day. I'm looking down at the homunculi like, for real? Yeah, all right.

We shifting this up? They disassemble it there and reassemble it on deck just imagine like walking amongst them being like what the fuck all right okay every now and then there's like a flash and from the captain's room another homunculi steps out and waddles over to the group. Oh, boy. I can't help but imagine how they would be birthed. I don't want to. I imagine a gross piece of sack. Some sort of large egg sack that keeps laying them.

It's grosser than I thought. What do you imagine? It's the only sound a homunculi makes in its life. Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack. I need a cleanser. Every time I say it, there's like a monocular makes in its life. Quack. Quack. Quack. No. Quack. I need a cleanser. Every time I say it, quack.

There's like a queen monocular. Oh, gross. Egg tubes. I'll hide it. All right. Good. Okay, I sympathize with that. So you guys have a lot of free time right now.

What are you guys doing? I was going to say go back to a family meeting in the cap. What are you going to spend your like a hundred thousand gold on? And then just go get weird with it. Like I'm going to get like out of all the kind of magic gifts I can and like maybe try to reclaim

some of my lost youth. You know, I've heard. I don't know if it's true or not, but if you bathe in the blood of virgins, you get a youthful vigor. That or milk. One of the two. Largely which?

I just... Selene. She will be mine. Going after her. Oh, yes. Hey, you know. She will be mine. They've pretty much locked it in their cabins. So you might not be seeing much of her for a little while. Oh, no. The locks are super flimsy, yes. She will be mine. They've pretty much locked it in their cabins. So you might not be seeing much of her for a little while.

Oh, no. The locks are super flimsy, though. And when I say super flimsy, I don't mean easy to break. I mean, like, just lift the door a little and it'll open. I don't know. I wouldn't mind getting this. I'm going to go get, like, the finest wizard to, like, make me a magical suit that I can wrassle a bear with.

Then I'll tour the countryside and be me and the wrassling of bears. Yes, I'll make billions. Think big. I've always wanted to wrassle a bear, but one thing I've never been able to do. What are you having this discussion, by the way? In the cabin.

In the cabin? Okay, so Tolod. Tolod, sorry, I keep saying Tolod now. Tolod is there. He's just sitting quietly in the corner. What are you going to do? Are we going to heal us? Maybe load some spells?

I will open, if I survive this, I will open a ministry to my lord. Boring. That's a boring answer. I'm going to use this ship to come and hassle my ex-wife. That's the plan. If he gives us the ship in the end, which I wouldn't mind. That's not bad.

Without the homunculi, you have no idea how the ship would operate. He did promise us the ship, however easy it is to give. Well, I don't know. He seems pretty desperate. He might be promising things he can't give. I'm just trained to be his apprentice i'm driving the ship most of the time anyway like it's a pretty solid plan like the um like i said he might be promising more than he can give you know like these passengers

paying a lot of dosh to be here but enough to pay you that much? Maybe, maybe not. Wait, has he realised he might not be able to pay us? You think maybe. It depends. You know he himself is very rich, but it's hard to say how rich. Okay. If you're getting the king back his griffin, the king might cover it as well.

I'd like to take the ram on deck, give it some air. For real? Do you it some air for real? do you have a lead for it? I got his chain the ram starts freaking out calm down calm down

you have to take it onto the you have to take it onto the walkway that's just railing on the side of the ship there's no like there's nothing for me to hold on to he's good he's getting all cramped up in there it's dark

sorry for him I don't know I'm freaking out Ram's freaking out it's like trying to escape I'd like to calm down you're right Ramstein don't panic you're super strong so you keep it under check pretty easily. Okay.

I'll pick it up and carry it along the walkway. Annoyingly, you probably can. Yeah, it's a ram. Under one arm. Keep struggling in your grip, though. That's fine. You'll need to make a climb check to get up. Okay.

Telling time. Taking my ram on deck Let it soak up some sun Soak up some rays As it were That's a lot of rolls As you get to the top There's like a steep ladder

That runs from the walkway onto the deck Going up that steep ladder Near the top You nearly lose all the ram Grab a bite's collar You're on the top you nearly lose all the ram. Grab a bite's collar. You're on the top deck now. Let him loose. I'm free! No, no.

I'll just sit down, find somewhere to sit and have it on the chain and just let it walk around and enjoy the sunshine. It doesn't, it cowers. It cowers on the ship. Alright, I'll squat down. What's wrong? Come on. You're right.

I'll stroke its face. I want to calm it down. Can you do that? I guess. It happens. What? Slapping its face. Calm down.

You're right. You're right you're right lad are there any homunculi around yeah they're all over the place homunculi numbers 8 to 16

whatever any of you know how to calm down around one of them probably stops one of them probably stops turns around to you with that gormless fucking look

and then just keeps going. Do you want me to try and calm it down? Hey, if you can come up to find me. I don't know. It's holding the thing. It's a big responsibility.

Yeah, do not bring it into the... Can you calm my rum down? Murr! Murr! Murr! Kicking switches. Smashes the window open.

Murr! Everybody dies. Well, I'll just sit up on the deck and try and calm my rain, then. That'll be my morning. Or afternoon. At some point, BapBap comes around to each of you and he says, We've, uh, in the Arrowhawk attack, we lost a bit of a...

lost a lot of our hydrogen from the balloon. I'm slowly refilling it with some of our reserve but well uh we don't have as much as we once did and we're gonna be floating a little lower don't freak out when that happens that's all oh how long to that would you say well we're already starting to sink a little we won't be sinking too much and we won't crash we're just not going to be able to fly as high that's all just don't freak out when we go below the clouds what are we all why what do we what do you mean by don't hey hang on i'm freaking out you say don't freak i see i made a bad decision i'm not gonna freak out but like why would i freak out what is there to be freaking out

what's below us about that what would it be okay so then why would i freak out? What is there to be freaking out? What's below us, Bap? The sea. Okay, so then why would I freak out? Well, like, you might worry if you didn't know. You'd be like, hey, BapBap, why are we below the clouds? I'm having time. Now you're like, well, you know, it's just a laugh. Well, that's fine.

I'm fine with that. Even if we crash, we'll be crashing into the sea with what is ostensibly an actual ship. All right. If you'd maybe teleported us to a different plate of existence, I would have been like, I didn't worry about that. But this is fine.

You're going to be here. Just be honest, Bab-Bab. In other news, I've made a special scrying device that'll show us the direction towards Mobius. Oh, that's cool. I'm going to... It's just a little mirror that'll, like, warm if we're facing the right direction. I just need you, Ira, to make sure we're facing the right direction. Sure.

As long as we're going forward, we should be going fine. No problem. What time are we... Are we ever planning to refuel with the Hydrogen? Before we catch this moogus. The only place we can really get more hydrogen is in no machine. It's okay. You're telling me no.

We can live on this. It's not a bad thing. It's just like, So imagine out of a hundred we were a hundred. We're not in trouble until we're ten or whatever. Out of a hundred, now we're just at ninety. We're still fine.

We're just a little less fine. Have you told the passengers what's the go? I don't want to worry them. I'm hoping they just won't notice. Well, I think the cats are already out of the bag there, Bap Bap. You can't do individual ain't,

talk to you. Oh, alright. I think the cats are already out of the bag there, Bap Bap. Yeah, the... How so? The Griffid? The Griffid? No, I mean the drop in below the... Oh, that. I mean, like, just in general, because we're off course. I'm sure... I'll go have a word with them then.

All right, then. Do you know how to calm down a ram? Yes. Would you be interested in being, like, interspersed, like, each scene? Yeah. Talking to, like, I got this problem, you've got, like, uh-huh, uh-huh, ram though.

That's fine. Does that mean that Bap-Bap is the main character and you guys are the NPCs does it I'll help you but only if you fetch me

these items three I'll help you but you need to calm down there's rams scattered around the ship what request

are you making Iroh I feel you're going to be the moral choice yeah I'm going to be quite happy

just doing the ship I play by the rules I hope at some point one'm going to be quite happy just doing the ship. I play by the rules. I hope at some point one of you is burning on one end of the ship and the other one is about to fall off on the other

and BatBat has to go save one of us. But at the expense of the other. The adventures of BatBat. What a fun word to say. Does he know how to calm down a ram?

He casts a spell and the ram falls asleep that's not at all even slightly what I'm who falls asleep? ram ram falls asleep I know how to solve this shut up

do any of you have any other requests for the captain? I'm happy. No, I just keep us in the loop, I guess. Yeah, okay. So Bap-Bap goes to the passengers and informs them as well. Lord Wilton seems to have regained his balls in the time that he spent alone in his room with his wife.

And there's a lot of yelling between them. Eventually there's a loud thud yelling between them um eventually there's like a loud thud and then Bap Bap comes out you can you can hear like the

like Lord uh Brian like sort of being like like you know angry but you know somewhat muffled

and Bap Bap has like a black eye he's not go so smoothly. Millop is a lot smoother, like he goes in there and you can hear them having a conversation. And then Selenor, it's just like a lot of silence. Bloody sneaky elf tricks, that's what's happening in there.

Probably because she wants to do something with some plant or something. Do what? Oh, I've had a conversation with her about some plant. Are you fraternizing? I've offered them a reduced fare for, well, I've offered them a reduced fare, and I'm not charging them for the voyage that we're having now. I'm also, on the advice of my fellow gnome,

I'm going to allow them outside of the ship again. Just to try and make it feel a little bit more like they're not in prison. Would you like to set up a system whereby if you want someone thrown over the edge, you just have to make the noise of a bird or some such? Perhaps a cree and I'll know what to do. If I need someone thrown off the edge, I'll scratch my nose like this. He scratches his nose. I'll waggle my ear like this.

He waggles an ear. And I'll stroke my nose like this. He scratches his nose. I'll waggle my ear like this. He waggles an ear. And I'll stroke my beard like this. He strokes his beard like this. And then I'll point to the one and say, throw him overboard. All right, seems needlessly complicated. I thought I had a good system, but that's fine. Well, really, you could just get the homology right. Clarity is the most important thing, I feel.

All right, seems feel. Alright, seems fair. Okay, then that's fine. Do you have anything you'd like to mention? Any more questions, queries or comments? No, I think we're almost at full speed again. That's good.

So, how are you taking down this griffon? How do you intend to? Well, the idea is with this harpoon here, I'm going to spear it, and then I'm going to pull it in. Okay, so there was nothing about it being undamaged then when you were... So long as it's alive,

I can heal it with some of my supplies. Okay, that checks out fine. Works for me. Alright, let's do this. I'm going to have a sneak it up downstairs and get some of my spells back. What time is it? Is it like late in the evening, getting toward night? Why? I'm just wondering.

Probably evening. Just for the niceness? It's an odd time to ask because I'm about to jump forward like a couple days. Funny. So if you were specifically planning on doing something today... No, no, no. Okay. So maybe two days passed of just searching.

You guys have far lost sight of the land. You're proper out into sea now. So, Ira, there was a compass in the uh on the bridge okay uh at some point bap bap comes and removes the compass so while you know where the griffin is with the like he gives you like a little um mirror thing that moves when you're in the right direction um so you know which way the griffin is you feel that maybe the griffin is travelling and so you don't know which direction the shore is anymore so the only person who now knows where north is

is Bap Bap it's something of a worry I don't want to say anything but I think Bap Bap is insane I want to try and find somewhere where there's no homunculi or things that he overhears that's a hard deal to make homunculi are all over he overhears. That's a hard deal to make.

Homunculi are all over the place. He's made a lot. Like, there was 100. There's maybe 200 now. Hey, but what language does the homunculi speak? You don't know. I'm about to look it up. You don't fucking know. Actually, when we're talking to...

When we're having a discussion with Bat-Bat, maybe I'll drop in some Orcish. I'll drop in some Melvish. See what happens. Gnomish. He's a Gnomish. Common Orcish or Gnomish. See if he can pick up any...

Which language doesn't he pick up on? That's the stress. That's the... Hides or loads? Hides. Oh, boy. boy Like you know We say back home Orc language

Orc language Orc language You know? Anytime you do something like that Like say something like Like we say back home Orc language He's like

Ha ha ha Very funny And then he just keeps moving Or something like that Like it's impossible to tell I make sure it's not a joke though Well If like some

Whatever happens Specifically in that scenario, as you have rolled low on your sense motive, you cannot interpret whether or not he knows. How about we suspend a net from the bottom of the airship? Just climb down, sit in the net. It's far away. That'll look sus. However,

Nathaniel, you did pretty well on your arcana check so you know a bit about homunculi. No, they're venomous. I didn't know that. Oh, Jesus.

Like I say, is it safe for them to be cooking our food? A homunculus creator determines its precise features. He chooses to make them look like this. Oh, god damn it. Homunculi are little more than tools designed to carry out assigned tasks.

They are extensions of their creators, sharing the same alignment and basic nature. A homunculus cannot speak, but the process of creating one links it telepathically with the creator. It knows what its master knows and can convey to him or her everything it sees and hears out to a distance of 1,500 feet.

A homunculus never travels beyond this range willingly, though it can be forcibly removed. If this occurs, the creature does everything in its power to regain contact with its master. An attack that destroys a homunculus deals 2d10 points of damage to its master.

Oh, wow. If the creature's master is slain, the homunculus also dies, and its body swiftly melts away into a pool of ichor. Well, that's something to note. Yeah. Ichor?

Ichor, I think. 200 homunculus? So the only way I can think we could have this conversation is if we got naked and you used fly and hooked something up and booped up super high.

I'd like to remind you, 50 homunculus has died in the arrow hook attack. Yeah, I was going to say, yeah. Yeah. And he's fine. To be fair fair you were all pretty badly wounded

so you might not have noticed how badly wounded he was that's true was he badly wounded you weren't paying attention at the time

you'd just come back from death that's true um okay so so you know you need to kill

at least more than 50 among K'lai to have a chance of killing him unless you just attack him directly which also works I like that that's on the cards as well I didn't mention trying to kill Babab

well you guys were like he's crazy so I'm like hey here's the DM being like hey it's a big world and it's like Skyrim or whatever you can do the one thing that I hey, you know, it's a big world, and it's like Skyrim or whatever. You can fucking do the one thing that I've planned, or you can do whatever you want.

That's true. We could theoretically be like, anyway, we're all getting naked and flying down for sea adventure. Look for a merchant vessel on the ocean. You can have your octopus. Exactly. All right. on the ocean. You can have your octopus. Alright, well look, we can't really discuss much then without him hearing us. The homunculi

have, the walls have ears. The wall have homunculi. If you wanted to, you could probably well, like in the not in your crew quarters, but if you wanted to have the conversation where one of the passengers could hear you, but if you wanted to have the conversation where one of the passengers could hear you, or if you snuck into the below decks, like the cargo area.

Okay. You'd have to actually sneak, though. Yeah. I see. A homunculi might not follow you, but one might see you get in. I'm going to say family meeting. Why did we go, hey, let's go and check in the private, let's have a conversation with... What's his name, the gnome?

Millip. Yeah, all right. Yeah, let's go have a conversation with Millip. No, no, him and Millip. And I kind of mounted to like, I will tell him to fuck off. How about just a suggestion? Let's get a bed sheet. Okay. All sit underneath a bed sheet. Okay.

All sit underneath the bed sheet and write notes to each other. I'm afraid you chose not to bring the winter blanket. That's true. Fuck, or a pen and paper. I've got chalk. We can do it. We could, though. Do we have capes?

Or we just go to the crew cabin. The passing cabin. It's far like an empty room or something. I don't think there's empty rooms, but we could just hop into a room. I know you don't like elves. I don't. But maybe we

should have a chat to she seems somewhat possibly could assist. Character development. Not gonna happen. To me or him? Was she a spell user, you said? I don't know. Yeah, she knew some magic.

Like, I reckon, maybe we should just just maybe, I mean? I don't know. Yeah, she knew some magic. Like, I reckon, maybe we should just... Just for, maybe, I mean, I know, look, elves are scum. I'm terrible. Sorry. Try. Yeah. He's one of the good ones. One of the good ones. One in a billion. Thanks, guys. You're like, you're only half. Half, yeah.

No, I know what we can do. See, elves, here's the thing about them, right? You throw a shiny thing in front of them, they chase after it. Also, if you drop a whole bag of rice, they gotta count the grain. So we go down to the cargo hold. Get a bag of...

Atticus, you do not believe. Nathaniel, you do not believe. He's lying believe he's lying I don't I don't think that's true anyway what were you saying well I was going to say we drop a bunch of rice in front of the door she opens it we go in shut the door have our discussion

she's busy counting the rice we have our conversation maybe we should get her into this conversation as well maybe like I just think like maybe we should get her into this conversation as well. I just think, like, maybe she's... could be useful. Maybe. Where are you guys having this conversation? I also...

How did I let you guys have a conversation about where you're going to have your private conversation? Good point. How did I allow that? Yeah, that was in our room. Over the fucking tannoy, you guys all here, we got a storm coming, batten down the hatches.

Another time. Maybe. Another time. Adam, I'd like to see if I know what the hell batten down the hatches mean. Good point. Go up a deck and just like, uh... I'd like to go up a deck and just like uh I'd like to go

off a deck and just start like putting things in a pile Bap Bap comes and finds you guys you guys uh

uh Atticus supervise those homunculi as they seal up some of the window he like just gets you to supervise

homunculi as they seal up windows this time you actually do need to do work because the homunculi like their usual maintenance jobs are under the assumption that they're not under a time constraint as they seal up windows. This time you actually do need to do work because the homunculi, like their usual maintenance jobs are under the assumption

that they're not under a time constraint. So you guys look out the window as well. It's like a fucking big goddamn storm coming your way, like lightning. It's fucking, you're like, ooh, we've never hit a storm like this before.

We've never hit lightning before. All right, you gross little bastards come on touch up them windows you 16 and 14 you need to actually start fucking steering because big heavy winds are properly

buffeting you now ok I'm on it ok you're managing to hold it but it's a near thing. The winds are trying to push the ship to the left and down. So your nose is starting to go down and you're losing altitude. Atticus, you're helping board up the left-hand side. Homunculi are not doing a good job.

Come on, you motherfuckers like some of them hastily board up one of the windows, a gust of wind hits that side of the ship the boarded window just like breaks apart and there's a massive hole in the thing bad craftsmanship, that's what that is they're trying to hammer nails with their

hands it's a bit better on your side like you still need to You're doing great guys Positive motivation So you need to hold down things As they nail them in place And every now and then Because they're super clumsy

You get hammered They touched me again Yeah what's worse Come on you bastards What are you doing? Ira, another massive gust of wind hits, and now you're finally starting to get the first bits of rain as well.

Rain is pattering against your window. You were barely... It's getting worse. It's getting worse. Everyone can now feel as the ship slowly starts dipping. Is it dipping to the point where it's like a hold-on dip? Everyone can now feel as the ship slowly starts dipping This is good right Is it dipping to the point where it's like a hold on dip

Not a hold on but like sort of a slant Oh boy I was about to make a reference that only I would get Nah do it Tell us At my 21st birthday Wow You drove an airship

Lost altitude And everything was on a slant Drop the die That's fine Oh man, it's getting a little better Atticus But not by much Can I get in there myself? I'm assuming you are helping

And Nathaniel You're also having trouble Now that the rain's hitting It's making it a lot harder because the homunculi are getting wet and falling over. Oh, they're getting wet and raining. From somewhere up on the deck, you hear Bap-Bap yelling, It's time! Here we go! Here we go!

Here we go for what? What's he talking about? Bang! With a massive sound like an explosion. A bolt of lightning hits the ship. So she needed the bolt of lightning? I think that's what's happening. Ira?

You have no idea how this ship works. A bunch of this like this like little fucking like, what do you call them? Not dials. Oh, man, what are they? Pedometers, stevedometers, that sort of stuff.

Like instruments, measuring instruments for, like, speed, windage, that sort of stuff. You have no idea how they work. The lightning strikes, bang, all of them hit dead. That's good. Every lightning goes out. Guys. that's good every light in the ship goes out guys with the like storm rolling in it is like dark proper fucking dark and when that happens as well the steering uh the steering wheel like as you're you were turning it like with some struggle before bang it like hits you you don't

know what's happening but let me explain to you. Part magic, part technology was like you turn it and it translates into a lot more energy for the actual steering. You've lost all of that. You are just steering it yourself now. The only thing keeping you guys from not dipping down is your

actual strength. Oh my goodness. Will Ira's strength hold out? Find out next time on D&D SideQuests. And if you liked what you heard here at D&D is for Nerds, why not download some of the other great shows on the Sands Pants Radio Network? We've got all your pop culture needs covered.

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