D&D is For Nerds - The Auticcus #4 Call me Ishmael

Episode Date: January 23, 2016

The AuticcusIn which our heroes sail into darkness. We discuss gnomish measurements, manhandle an obese man and have a very awkward meal. Atticus gives in to his alignment, Nathaniel saves someone from falling (again) and Ira worries about his hit points. So join us as we journey into the oncoming storm. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

SansPants Radio, top of the class. as well as your very own The Flash. That's geekfuel.com forward slash sanspans. Also, we're going to be running a little D&D's for Nerds art competition. So if you have some artistic talent and just want to join the fun, pick your favorite D&D's for Nerds characters, moment, place, scenario, whatever, and create your masterpiece. Then email it to sanspansradio at gmail.com, and you'll go into the draw to work with Adam to create an NPC for our next side quest or fifth ed adventure, as well as receive an advanced copy of the Season 2 USB tape.

Entries close February 29th and the winner is announced sometime in March, so get drawing. Finally, Sandspants is busting out another live show, so if you're in Melbourne on the 18th of February, come and down to the Eureka Hotel. Doors open at 6.30 and we start talking at 7. Seek. Now enjoy the show. Welcome to Episode 4 of D&D SideQuest. I'm Leo James. I'm playing Ira Thornborough. I'm Jackson Bailey. I'm playing the part of Atticus Bluebird. Now enjoy the show. What? He's a powerful owl. He's also just an owl.

It's like, they're not dead. Whoa, you're dying. Whoa, whoa, whoa, just a minute. Don't you be throwing that griffon head off. Go on, heal them. Go on, Talad, they took my hand. Also, I throw my old hand over the edge. Don't need this shit anymore.

Here you go. Drink these potions. You'll need them for the trip ahead. Sure. Wait, wait, wait. What trip? This griffin is one of two. I don't care if this one's dead. That's fine. You can kill it. But the other one, I need that one alive.

And this collar here, it's going to lead me to it. And how would you like to go so far off course? You're going to be very rich men by the end of this. You know I never told you men, Dahlia. I've never told you that you're beautifully insane. I'm on board! You're speaking my language. If you want me to throw anybody overboard,

I'm on it. I might have accidentally set free the king's favorite griffin, a pure white griffin by the name of Mobius. I'd like to take the ram on deck, give it some air. We got a storm coming! Batten down the hatches! Adam, I'd like to see if I know what the hell batting down the hatches means Alright, you gross little bastards, come on

It's time, here we go, here we go Airship hurtling out of control, what do you do? Adam, I'd like to just shove my hook hand into the wood Like, keep myself stable? Just, okay. Can Amonkila tie me in? Just so I can really give it my all?

You can yell for them to do that. Amonkila, one, two, three, four, five. Hold me in. The ship is rocking all over the place. Atticus, you, like, fall down and you're prone, but your hook is still embedded in the wall. You know what I mean?

You're prone against the wall. The homunculi are going all over the place. You can only hear them now. It's pitch black. You can't see anything. You could never hear them before. Oh, that's so sweet. I know that you didn't mean they're making noises now,

but the idea that it's gone dark and it's just like a... Yeah, you can just hear them, like, thunking all over the place. It's kind of cute to imagine them just tumbling. Daniel, with your... As an orc, you have darkvision, so when

everything goes pitch black, you can still see. It doesn't help you that much. You're still flawed as well. God damn stupid, why did I start all the bugging? There's like a horrible, for all of you, a horrible wailing sound. Like, Ira, one of the windows, you can see a little bit because there's that massive panoramic window. One of them shatters, and there's like wind is fucking buffeting you. Bang, bang, and in quick succession,

two more lightning strikes hit the thing. The entire airship jerks, and you start losing altitude really quickly. Like, it's not the wind. Something has been damaged in the balloon. Oh, guys. I'm going to cast Spider Climb on myself. All right.

You no longer need to make balance checks. You're just fucking crawling around. Oh damn, this was water time. Okay, I'm going to try and shuff up to the air balloon. Okay. Try and do some repair. Is it possible for Patio

to use spot to find damages on the hot air balloon? You wouldn't be able to see it from your position because you're underneath the balloon. The owl. Oh, your owl. Oh, very, very right. I see what you mean, yeah.

If Patio flew out into this... Oh, yeah. You might lose. He's got his rope attached to him. I'll trust Nathaniel with him. It's like watering in the wood. Like a kite. You might hang your owl?

Oh, wow. Sorry, I didn't explain it. It's a harness. It's like... If you wanted to let go of the wheel and fashion a harness, but you did not have a harness. I've already done it. What's my ram doing?

My ram just tumbling around in the room. If I trust Nathaniel, could Nathaniel make the harness and do it? You've got to go call for Nathaniel. You don't know if Nathaniel's all right. Nathaniel's climbing up to the balloon. Okay. That is what I'm doing.

He's trying to be creative. He's stifling my creativity, guys. I'm going to be talking to Betsy. I'm going to start not taking it in turns, but I'm going to go to one of you in each. Yeah, cool. So who hasn't had fucking Atticus

you haven't said something in five seconds hanging off what do you want to do you know I want to try and make it to the find out why the fuck we're dropping so can I just start like climbing pull out my hook, hook it in again climb, pull out my hook and make my way to the bridge

okay by securing myself with a hook each time pull out my hook, hook it in again, climb, pull out my hook and make my way to the bridge. Okay. Yeah. By securing myself with a hook each time. It's very slow going. You get to the door in like five minutes and that's all you can do. You like looking out into the hallway, you can hear like all of the doors,

like bang, bang, bang, bang, like all of them because of the super weak lock, like I said earlier. All of the doors have come off their hinges. You can hear like screaming, but you can't tell who uh it's not the homunculi that's um ira do you want to let go of the wheel is like i don't think i should okay i'm gonna you are literally i want the homunculi that can help me hold the wheel they do start strapping you into place

yeah and hold the wheel as well they don't have the strength for that no no there's lots

of them if they jammed themselves in the cogs it would just break through them amazing oh my gosh

I say that because you know that's happening like a bunch of them have tried to gum themselves into the works

sorry guys I didn't ask you to do that but thank you for your sacrifice you didn't ask me to do that without taking damage he's just in his room

on the like drinking potions ah but it's fine okay um yeah so what did you want to do

sorry let's keep if you let go of this wheel you might be fucked yeah i'm holding on i'm i'm going for it yeah okay uh you can get your owl to do something uh you can get patio to do stuff inside the ship but to go outside would be a risk if you you wanted to you wanted like fucking someone help you? You can get patio to go find someone for you. Right. Well, I was thinking if I need to keep the wheel in, like, one place, yeah?

Or am I fighting, like, whichever way it takes me? No, it's like trying to pull to the left and down. So you're fighting one direction. So is there a way we could use the chains to lock the wheel at all? Maybe, yeah. You could try that. You want to be super careful about how much pressure you pull on it, though. Every now and then you hear the wheel give a little creak,

and you're like, oh, give it a little give before I pull it back. Is this controlling a rudder? Yeah, it's basically the rear rudder. You're not sure how it works. Is there anything internally that we can help and support other than the actual wheel? You barely know what this thing controls, not sure how it works. Is there anything internally that we can help and support other than the actual wheel? You barely know what this thing controls, let alone how it controls it. Does Bap know? Bap might. You've got to go

find Bap for that. Your owl can go onto the deck, but it can't go onto the deck from the outside of the ship because the deck has got that protective bubble on it. As far as you're aware, that bubble is still there. It isn't stuff on like a thing. hate nonsense like the HWOP meter. Your BIP BIP levels are low!

You're like, okay. Well, you know, some of them might be like that. Yeah! Maiden Grisno is detached from- Imagine a gnome like tapping a needle, we're dangerously low on fuzz! Yeah, yeah! I guess we're dangerously low on fuzz. We're we're dangerously low on fuzz. We're only at 50% wood spore levels.

I guess we need more. We need to go find that wood spore. All of that and more. What do you want Adio to do? Yeah, I think it might be too risky to try the chain then if we risk breaking the controls. It's an option. You can give it a shot. It might just help you as like a like a lens strength thing yeah it'll buy us

time then possibly yeah i'll go for the chain let's yep you want to go find him let's do that yeah so patio like um i guess hops or like it doesn't move that it's gonna walk I think Patio wants to walk because he's a little afraid unless you want to push Patio to fly do you push Patio to fly? no no no he's crawling along the deck he's like face down legs

just his face across the deck Nathaniel just push his face across the deck. Doing a worm. Nathaniel, do you want to go on the outside of the ship to the balloon or on the inside? By the way, you are leaving, as Atticus has, you are leaving the homunculi

to their own devices here. They can't cause that much damage. I'm not saying damage, I'm saying they're not going to be very useful I think like whatever look I take care of that balloon

I'm sure Atticus has it planned whatever I'm sure he's got it sorted Nathaniel's got this so yeah

I'm going to be like I need to look at that communicate with Bap Bap that I'm going to find out that balloon shit

do you climb on the outside or on the inside if I go on the outside Communicate with Bap Bap that I'm going to find out that balloon shit. Do you climb on the outside or on the inside? If I go on the outside, because I'm using spider climb, am I fine? What's hot? Theoretically. Theoretically, Adam. Spider climb allows you to climb like a spider.

Do you think a spider might be blown off? I'm going to climb on the inside, Adam. Four extra limbs. Hey, you know, I'll allow you to try. I'm on the inside, Adam. That was my favourite line ever. I'll allow you to try. I'm on the inside. I'm on the goddamn inside. Okay, so you probably run

into Patio on your way. You don't even need to roll on the inside of the ship, even though it's like fucking going all over the joint. You're just moving basically unhampered at your regular speed. Patio's there. Patio gives it like a whoo, whoo, whoo.

Guess what? Patio rolls, wriggles. Patio impresses on you like not near, but like no, we can, like close, close, close. Patio's not far yell

get the chain pick up the chain we need the chain you hear fucking Ira yelling like do I hear the chain yeah we need

the chain we need the chain in the the bridge oh right I've succumbed Ira starts yelling for the train

for the train get the train it. Iris starts yelling for the train. Get the train! Get the train! Take the chain out of the backpack. Give it, like, just put it... Out drops. For real, you just give it? You give it to Patio? The ten-foot chain is probably it to Patio The ten foot chain

Is probably heavier Than Patio I'm like It's fire How far away is the bridge You can get to the bridge With the chain That's your turn though

That's fine Here's a hand Okay Atticus You want to keep going Yeah If we don't We'll fall

So I'm thinking Cause I'm the worst I'm like In the storm What if I just Th'm the worst. I'm like, in the storm, what if I just threw the people I didn't like over the edge? Who do you like? Blame the storm. I don't love the dad and his

son. It'll be everyone but the humans. I'm neutral evil. I can use this opportunity. I'm just, hey, if it comes up, if I have use this opportunity I'm just hey if it comes up if I have the opportunity I will not saying I'm gonna

meanwhile just make my way towards the bridge make your way downtown make my way downtown highs or lows that's so fun this album I need to save my people so Atticus give me a list of who you would most like to throw off to who you would least like to throw off.

Then basically stop when you get to who you don't want to throw off. Serena is at the top. I'm going to put Homunculi in there. Homunculi times 250. Yeah, like homunculi in there. Homunculi times 250. Yeah, like homunculi 250. Or do you have to list them in order so you don't like homunculi 89? Has the homunculi I like better than the other?

That's really funny. You like Mark the King? This guy's nice. Actually, do they have painted numbers on them? How do you identify them? He just knows which one's which. How do we know? You don't.

Atticus thinks he does. Papa Wilton? He's touching me. He's just... His son and his wife. No, look, his wife's not slighted me yet. That's just them. So Serena, the 250, 250 homunculi, Papa Wilton and his son.

I'd say just from sheer numbers, actually, you pass a homunculi and the ship is lurched in such a... Like, your hand brushes the homunculi and the ship is lurched in such a way that if you picked it up and let go, it would fall out a hole. That's what I do.

Without any words, completely silently, you watch the outline of the homunculus fall out of the window. It's like questioning eyes. Why? It's like a... Bang! Another lightning bolt strikes

the ship and everything shudders again. I'm holding on. That would put it at... Wait. Why am I looking... I was looking at the passenger list trying to find fucking Ira. I'm like, where is the passenger list?

Ira, what do you want to do? You've got the chain. We've got the chain. Let's secure that wheel. Okay. Let's give it some support. So with some, I'm going to say just because Nathaniel's there, Nathaniel lends some support to this.

Thank you. You managed to put the chain in such a position that you think it's good, but like, you know, are you planning on walking away from this? No, I'm going to stay there. It's kind of like a buying time thing. Just to give you extra help. Okay. Nathaniel?

Do you need strength for this? Well, now we've got the chain, I think that we should see if we can help stability, like it's internally with the mechanism. I need to go check out the balloon. I was wondering, because I can give you strength you need that? oh you've got

oh we could swap places no no no not at all not at all however you know what I'm just going to cast

I'm going to cast bull strength on you and then just chuff on up you're like you know what you know what anyway

off I go actually wait enlarge wait how much is bull like bull strength gives plus four strength

plus four and is that from the scroll you're casting yeah and that's four strength and the enlarged person does two you'll need to make

a concentration check in this weather so an enlarged person does two yeah yeah I'm just gonna make you enlarge enlarge in you

I'm like you still need to make a concentration check yeah okay you know what I touch you he's gonna you enlarge in you. You still need to make a contribution. Yeah, I know. Okay. You know what? Tattoo, he's going to be big soon. Great.

You basically double in size. Do I fit in the bridge? Sorry? Do I fit in the spaceship still? You still need to make a big bridge, yeah. Okay, cool. Well, maybe double is a bit much. You grow a lot in size.

Here you go. Holding the wheel is now a little bit between the between the chain and your extra strength now and your extra size and weight to lend to it. Holding the chain

is a lot more holding the wheel is a lot more of a trivial matter. Making sure it doesn't break is slightly harder but it was ever present

anyway matter. Good luck. I'm going to chuff off to the balloon. Cheers, Nathaniel. Crack. Snap. You break the wheel off. Mios, Dios. Am I there to hear this?

You're out the door and crack. I don't hear it. I keep walking. The ship nosedives. Oh, shit. I like to think you're just walking away. You hear the noise. And you go, just shut up.

Keep walking. That's it. No, no. He's got this. Ira. Okay, go. You can see either an exit to the storm or the eye of the storm. You can see either you're going to hit the floor first or maybe you'll get out just in time

but it's gonna be a close one um nathaniel you get out onto the side of the ship like where the walkway is it's a protected area here by the thing so you're not being buffeted by winds okay um what's in my your turn was helping him and then getting out uh you can also see the same thing so like it's picking a nosedive and it's going to be close. You're either going to nosedive into the water at quite a speed. It's like looking to the distance.

Or you're going to make it just into the eye of the storm. Oh, actually, at your position. Yeah, you can tell it's not the eye of the storm. It's proper out of the storm. We got this. We got this. Nah, we're fucked. I'll just keep trying to make it work.

Yeah. No, you don't actually. When the thing nosedives, you go chaotically all over the place. I tried to stab my beak hand into wood anywhere. No, no, Adam. Highs or lows? No, no. Highs or lows? No, no. Low.

Adam, you wet shit. So you, the same window, you threw the monkey out. The same hole, really. It's made a lot bigger. No, no. I'm fine. I nathaniel you spot as atticus just like that head followers whoa there he goes so the question is what do you do oh oh but first we'll jump to ira what do you do? Oh, oh. But first we'll jump to Ira.

What do you want to do in the control room? There's like a lot of levels you can start trying if you want. I think, did Nathaniel like, can he see where Atticus, like has he got a look on him or has he just disappeared? No, you can't see them. They're outside the ship now. You're still on the bridge. This happened all behind you.

Ah, I see. Actually, you know what I'll say? Over the tannoy system, you hear the booming voice of Captain Bap-Bap. Boy! Hang on, wait. Let me see the voice again. Welji!

Welji! Boy! I say boy! Boy! The fucking... God damn! The lever on your left! It's got different animal pictures on it. And true to his word, on your left hand side, there's like a turtle, a fucking rhino, like an elephant, and like the last one is a cheetah.

Push it to cheetah! Push it to cheetah! I grab the lever, push it to cheetah push it to cheetah push it to cheetah i grabbed the lever push it to cheetah with a massive burst of speed the ship starts jumping forward with extra like fucking you're either going to hit the water at an extreme or Captain BapDap's plan is pretty obvious in that he's hoping that if you speed up you'll still be high enough that you'll get out before you hit

the water or you could hit the water at extreme speed now. Nathaniel. Well, I realised to make you fly Jack, I had to touch you. Well, it's been realized. I'm going to cast Fly on myself and fly after you.

You're leaving me on my own. You're leaving me on my own with 250 among killing on my own with 250 homunculi. Guess who's going to have to drop his full plate armor in a real hurry. Motherfucker! I lose a hand! Why are you in full plate right now? Can the homunculi come with you

and collect the plate armor? What's in the sea? Okay, I'm going to have to cast Fly on myself and Shufforn after. Here we go. Like an old wizard Superman. I always imagine you flying with your arms, like, by your side. By your sides, yeah. And your robe, like...

Beard in the... Yeah. Sorry, I'm losing my voice. Are you guys having fun? Yes. Okay. Do I see him coming for me? No, not in this weather.

Okay. Okay. So, Ira, can I get a highs or a lows? Highs. Highs? Okay. Okay. The highs or lows?

Highs. Highs? Okay. Artemis is falling faster than you can catch up. You know how I said in the cloud bank? Who's Artemis? Atticus, sorry. Atticus is falling faster than you can catch up.

You know how I said you're in the cloud bank? Possibly terminal velocity when you hit water I'm gonna make quite the splat cannonball and Atticus gonna get a Heisel or Lois no

Nathaniel and Atticus vote together Heisel or Lois what do you want I was just gonna say Heis yeah I was gonna say Heis as well

I don't know if that's good for us or Abba I think it's good for you Yeah, I'll say Heise as well. I don't know if that's good for us or Abba. I think it's good for you. Ira, Heise or Lois? Should I go Heise? I don't know. Let's go Heise. Okay, you're making a little ground now, Nathaniel. Nathaniel and Atticus.

Do I see him yet? Oh. True. You can see him. I start unbuckling my plate over as I plumb. I'm like, okay. All right, then. Okay.

That's fine. No worries. Ladies and gentlemen, actually disrobing. Keep your shirt on, Jackson. I need to get a feel for it. Jackson, put your fucking shirt on. I'm not naked. Yet.

Yeah, well, I'll probably have to get naked Atticus and Nathaniel it's chilly in here Adam please the ship hits water oh god the ship bounces off slams into the balloon. Oh, yeah.

The two ricochet off each other. Sick. We'll get to you in a sec. How many people are dead? Highs or lows, Ira? I'm going highs again. Highs has done you good. High roller.

Oh, I meant lows. Did I say highs? oh you idiot okay so you're like starting to lose each other oh no highs or lows one final time

highs oh you're lucky at the last nearly the last second almost you've been disrobing this entire time nearly the last second almost, and you've been disrobing this entire time, nearly the last second, you grab fucking Atticus. Like, you grab his feet. You grab his feet.

Atticus, the fingers on your good hand brush the sea. As you come in for like a massive parabola coming back up. Oh my God. I piss myself. How long has it been taking by the way? I don't even care. How long has it been taking by the way in terms of minutes?

Oh, you'll be fine. Okay, cool. Do I need to cast it again on myself? Just crash into the sea, the two. Okay, meanwhile. Jesus. Highs or the sea, the two. Okay, meanwhile... Jesus. Highs or lows, make a decision. Lows. Oh, you are so fucking lucky.

Okay, so... The... Fucking balloon just, like, comes... Like, the ship's properly sailing. The balloon comes down onto the ship, but the latticework ship's properly safe the balloon comes down onto the ship but the lattice work the metal in the balloon keeps it like stable and in

shape so it doesn't crush the ship oh god you're out of the rain the ship comes to like a slow and gentle stop am I naked? In my mind I was naked. You probably have underclothes.

Okay. Good. Everyone regroups on the ship. We land on the ship, I do the sweet Iron Man pose. Not really, there's like no you need a wedge in between the deck and the ship right now. I'll make that pose. Hold on. I've got weight. Come on,

this will be cool. Bear with me. Bear with me. The next couple of hours are... I spent vomiting and crying. People like

start gathering in that common area inside the ship. No one can gather on the top right now. So, Bap Bap's there. He's like,

he looks like he took a lightning strike. You look great, Bap-Bap's there. He looks like he took a lightning strike. You look great, Bap. He sits down. He's got no hair right now. Well, he's got his beard, but his head hair is just gone. And his eyebrows have singed away. Father Glenn Tollard is there as well, administering for you guys.

Good healing, Glenn. I lie. That was rapping well enough. Lord, the Wiltons are all there. Millop Burfellow is nowhere to be seen. Free love potion. Selena is there, but she has all these cuts on her arms and upper chest. You're not sure what that's about.

So we've lost Millip? He's not on the ship. Rest in peace, Millip. Anyone seen Millip? Anybody? Everyone's super quiet. What's all the fun for Millip? Kind of rapey.

Lady Sif is lying in a makeshift stretcher. She got banged around a lot. At least that's what Lord Brian is. She ran into Donov. Yeah, how funny is this joke, guys? Anyway, Lady Sif flew around when the ship... Lady Sif. When the ship took a hard landing

and she was basically knocked unconscious. I'm just going to cross out Millip. Yeah, I did. I'm question mark. Don't give up hope, guys. I've decided wholeheartedly. Just like,

Selina, what happened to... What's going on with that about? She just shakes her head. She seems super dumbfounded by this. Yeah, crazy, eh? Crazy weather we're having. When you guys are all just in the same area, after a little while,

BapBap turns to you, Ira, and he says, the mirror. What happened to the mirror? You lost it. What about the super glue? I put it on the dashboard. That's right.

The super glue. I thought it on the dashboard. That's right. The super glue. I thought... That's what I did. No, I meant the sewing kit. The sewing kit. Lord Brian loses his shit. The mirror. The mirror.

Brat, that's a valuable mirror. Lord Brian like towers over... Lord Brian towers over Batbat and he's just like I'm looking at Batbat I'm looking and wait for the signal eventually like

after he's fucking let himself out Lord Brian is just like purple faced like heaving like what do you have to say for yourself Batbat turns to you, Atticus.

Bap-bap turns to you, Atticus. Taps his nose. Waggles his ear. Rubs his chin. Points at Lord Ryan and says, Throw him overboard. I'd like to go up, pick him up, and just heft him over into the sea. And in my underwear, too.

It's like, I just, well, alright. Okay. I have a peg leg. I don't remember. Master Tom Wilton is just in tears, bawling, crying. This is the world you're living! This is nature! I want to get down on one knee look at this

this is growing up you like struggle with Lord Brian for quite a bit yeah he's very big he's got a lot of weight on him we're in the sea he's not going to die he's going to be in the water splashing around

Lord Brian like shoves you we're not gonna like he's not gonna die he's gonna be in the water splashing around yeah we're bound to see him I was just um Lord Brian like shoves you um Atticus Atticus he shoves you trying to get away

fails miserably fails yeah he doesn't have the combat um but as he's doing that you also see he like draws a dagger

did you really think maybe throwing him overboard is a bit of another reaction we're going to initiative oh gosh I'm just saying like we don't need come on kill a man in front of his son oh boy

this is the man I am I've decided do you know how eager I've been to throw someone off the fucking boat? I mean we're not in the air so I don't get to see them be like We take what we can get Oh god What have we become?

I mean this is I'm not This is Atticus Bluebird, a bad man. Atticus, you're first. You just want to keep driving him to the edge. Just heft him over. Into the...

You haven't gotten right to the edge yet. Okay, I'll just keep dragging him. Yeah, you're just dragging him along. He's struggling, and with his weight, it's making it very difficult. Yeah, I can imagine. Ira? Hey. What do you want to do?

Watch on in amazement and... Well... Pride. We're in this together, I suppose. All for one, all for all, guys. You want to help? Yeah. Amazing.

Yes! Yes! Throw an obese man over the side of a boat it's cool Lord Brian is like freaking out just spazzing on the boat with you guys he's like with the dagger he tries to slash at one of you

he misses but as soon as the dagger comes out Bat Bat points at him from the ceiling you did not know they had crawled their way up from the ceiling two you did not know they had crawled their way up. From the ceiling, two homunculi drop down onto Lord Brian's face. They start tearing. Okay. I didn't.

All right, then. Lord Brian screams. Oh, no. Atticus, you have one arm. Ira, you have the other. He screams and thrashes as they tear at his face. Nathaniel. I'm just going to get on my knees.

Yes. And to be just like, no, no, no. We're Tormirs. And be like, look at me, boy. Look at me. Look at my face. Yes. Yes. Yes!

Today is a brilliant day. Atticus, it's your turn. Pass him over. How close are we to the edge? I don't know. You guys are pretty close to the edge right now. Put the ramp behind you. Trip him over. Yes!

With an uncceremonious Woo You slam his big belly Into the railing Of the fucking ship And you don't even need to Just the force of that alone He fucking tumbles head over heels

Falls over Woo I'd like to turn to face the crowd He fucking tumbles head over heels, falls over. I'd like to turn to face the crowd. Welcome to the boy. If anyone else in this crowd isn't prepared to follow this crazy man's plan to catch a white griffin, that's what's in store for you, all right? Bap-Bap gets up and starts rummaging around in all the refuse and wreckage

looking for the mirror what have I become we should we help him yeah help him find that mirror I swear I sewed it to the dashboard

guys I tried yeah I just gotta try it's okay it's okay boy it's just you remember this Master Tom stops crying.

He just sits there. No, he goes over into a corner and just sits. Whoa. I think we may have made a monster accidentally. This is the kind of thing serial killers talk about when they're done serial killing. So do you guys search for the mirror? Yeah.

I've not. What are you like in and out? I'm just like I'm going to almost be the same as Tom just like what the fuck

have we got it into? Ira, are you going to search for the mirror? Yeah, search for the mirror. Look around. I'm going to find it. I'm going to find it, guys. Look at the

Don't worry. What are the other passengers doing? Look at Lady Sif. Look at Oh, she's unconscious. Look't worry. What are the other passengers doing? Look at Lady Sif. Oh, she's unconscious. Look at Selena. The elf, yeah, she's like just she's still lying there.

Her arms and upper torso are still cut and bloodied. She looks absolutely horrified. Possibly also of what you've done, but she was looking horrified before. You're not sure, but something's happened to her. She's gone through some shit. This is what something's happened to her. Hey, look. She's gone through some shit.

This is the world we live in. What did she go through? This is nature, guys. This happened to her. This is the natural order of things. Dog eats man. A monkey-eye eats man's face. It's about an hour of searching,

but Atticus, you find the mirror. Hey. I hold it up. I found the mirror! Why were we looking for the mirror? BapBap, like, runs over and hugs you for a brief second, but then grabs the mirror. We need it to find the griffin! Oh, that's right, that's our

crazy mission. Alright, we need to get on the way soon. Anyone who's able-bodied, come up and we'll find the while we're losing hydrogen. Alright, I'll come up with you. Okay, who's able-bodied, come up and we'll find the... While we're losing hydrogen. All right, I'll come up with you. Okay.

Who's going up into the balloon? Oh, well, hmm. Can I with a hook hand? Oh, yeah, it's... There's no climb check anymore. You just need to, like, step up and you're in. Yeah, as we go up, I'll be like, I don't know if you have anything my size, but I am Nick.

All my armor is in the bottom of the sea right now. You help me out with this and I will dress you in gold. Well, that doesn't sound practical at all, but all right. I will make kings of you all. I'm not there. I might actually just nip by my good friend Nathaniel Just briefly And have a little moment

A little sit down What are you talking about Batbat from the doorway turns around Is it about me No no Batbat we love you You're a great guy I want you upstairs with me Just be a moment

Don't worry Batbat I'll come with you I'll go upstairs No I want them both upstairs. Tollard too. Tollard like turns around from where he'd been sitting. He'd just been staring with wide-eyed terror. Oh, Max. What?

I forgot Tollard didn't come out with us. Fucking hell. Tollard goes over Papa Will and... I want to throw Tollard over more than maybe some of the homunculi. Homunculi were available. I never want to do it in front. The homunculi I want to make seem like an accident. Hang on, you might have got two...

Yeah, the two on his face. Two on his... Did they survive? Yeah, the one... Oh, the obese man's face. They would have found back on the ship. Oh, yeah, they can just... All right, let's...

So, look. What happened there? You understand the ship. Oh, yeah. They can just... All right, let's look. What happened there? You understand that had to happen, yeah? It was a danger to the mission. Hurry up. They were wild. Wild eye fear in my eyes. Both of you, now.

We'll be all right. We'll be all right today. Yes, yes. Come on now. Come on, guys. I'm not pushing you. They were on holiday. Bap-bap needs our help. Okay. Bap-bap needs our help. right there yes yes come on they were on holiday and a lot of homunculi are now inside the latticework that is the massive balloon uh now that they're mostly deflated you can see three massive like hydrogen sacks

uh they're obviously the what you what was keeping this thing going. There's fire jetting from a couple of them in different places, which the homunculi and Bap Bap go around fixing. Bap Bap casts water spells or whatever on them. The homunculi seal

the holes with their bodies. Every time that happens, you see a little trickle seal the holes with their bodies. I'm coming right on. Every time that happens, you see a little trickle of blood come out of Bap-Bap's nose or an orifice somewhere. Not an easier way to go about that, Bap-Bap. There are a lot of small rends and tears

in the massive latticework, but there's one massive one through like almost piercing it lengthwise. It looks like this massive hole might have ruptured all three of the massive gas sacks. Bap Bap

goes over to that one, just for you guys to come over, and he just runs a hand over the massive hole, scratches his beard a little bit and says runs a hand over the massive hole. Scratches his beard a little bit and says, That's a very big hole. Very inconvenient. You know,

this metal here, he pats the metal, solid platinum. I don't know if you know this, but platinum doesn't really buckle that easily. He turns around to you guys. What do you guess? What do you guess?

Nothing. What? Nothing. Do you think maybe... Where were you guys when it all went dark? Where was everyone when it went dark? And why did just before it fell out of range, one of my homunculi tell me that you had picked it up.

I was trying to send a message to you. Order. I feel like I'm going to die. It's a swarm. Oh, all right then. Yep, not a swarm. it's so swollen oh alright then yep not swamp do you think

so maybe you know what was the message I just wanted to know where you got to ah okay then

and uh hey that steering column yes that broke didn't it it was an accident unfortunately so yes it was an accident I mean? Unfortunately so, yes, it was an accident. I mean, you want to find the white griffin.

Of course I do, pap, pap. It's my dream. You guys have just realized all of the homunculi are here and they're staring at you guys as he stares at you. Nathaniel, you were a little hesitant to help us through Lord Brian Lord Brian's a big man he wouldn't be able to climb up

he doesn't have the type of expertise to do something like this Bap Bap touches the metal hole again now work like this need a strong strong man or maybe magic. Tollard's magic, isn't he? Tollard, yeah, pretty.

Tollard's a cleric, isn't he? He's got powers unheard of. And Tollard, you never won. You were against this from the start. That's right. Tollard doesn't even believe in the mission. No, no, no, please. You know, it's about time

we told you, Bat-Bat. But Tollard's a fraud. Is that so? He doesn't have any magic powers at all. He worships a shitty god. They wanted a secret meeting away from you. Tollard, you fuck! I don't know what you're talking about, Tollard.

He's lying. That's enough. We're all going to go downstairs, and we're going to have a nice long meal, and then maybe a sleep. That sounds hunky-dory. Y'all first. He gestures towards the hole to get out.

Do you, Tollard? Tollard turns around and goes first. I'd like to move him with my beak hand. Like put it on his back and kind of gesture him down. And then I'll go after him. Wait, one more thing. As you guys are going out the door. Wait wait one more thing as you guys are going out the door wait one more thing before you go

Bap Bap turns around there's like just in between you guys there's maybe one more jet of flame coming out from one of the fucking gas sacks from the ceiling a homunculi drops down landing on it and

sealing it with it's body as the flame burns the homunculi the homunculi drops down, landing on it, and sealing it with its body. As the flame burns the homunculi, the homunculi turns into that ichor, that ichor. And the ichor just seals over the patch. And as that happens, the flame stops being in between you and you can see him properly. As a trail of blood just comes out of his nose. being in between you and you can see him properly as a trail of blood just comes out of his nose and Bap Bap says, you know I'll be keeping

an eye on all of you. If I see any wavering in your commitments just know that there are worse things than being thrown overboard from 5,000 feet in the air.

Of course. We understand. We will never question that. Goodbye. Yes, goodbye. See you, boss. Yes. Okay.

You all go downstairs. The homunculi are preparing a meal. Oh, gross. So disgusting. You cannot refuse. Oh, those are the first mugs that I make real. I can taste their filthy little fingers.

Come on, guys. It's not that bad. It's going to be an awkward meal if it's like a full cafeteria. Is it all of us? Eventually, BapBap comes back down. Where are the other people? Like the other cabinet? So you're all sitting around like one big table.

Trying to catch the eyes of everyone else. Tom is just sitting wherever he is sat. And he does not touch his meal. He just stares at it. So who have we got? So we've got Lady Sif is unconscious. Tom is right out. Selina is sitting at one head of the table.

She's holding on to her knife and fork with a white knuckle grip. And every now and then she just takes a nibble of whatever she's skewered on her forehead. I'm trying to get her... Because she's the only one that may be able-bodied. Correct? Essentially, yeah. I kind of look at her, kind of get her attention. Just kind of mouth help.

Father Tollard is sitting... The four of you, including Father Tollard, have been sat in a line as the homunculi served your meal. They served it in a way that's like, this is where you are sitting. Father Toled is between you and Samana. I love so much Saman, but clearly you're like, I don't know if I can trust anyone anymore. Have I gone

mad as well? Maybe. So you're trying to mouth help me or something? Uh-huh. Selena, like, glances at you while you're doing that and does, like, a double take, but she doesn't acknowledge if she understands. What a dreary cafeteria this is.

Bap-bap at the other end of the table, it says, Yes, that's right. We should play a game. I spa with my little eye. Something beginning with S. Is it a ship?

No. Is it a sail? Does. Is it a sail? Does the boat have sails? It doesn't. No. It's sacrifice. Warmer. The splashing from Lord Brian has stopped.

There is no way for him to get back onto the ship. He just had to tread water for as long as he could. Oh, wow. Is it the sea? No. Give us a hint. Next letter is E. Silly.

Sentence Structure No I don't know Selene No Is it a person Is it a place or is it a thing or a concept Vegetable animal I guess you could say it's a concept

It's something we've been keeping from each other. Secrets. Oh. Wait, what? No. We haven't been keeping any secrets from someone who has a dirty little secret. I don't have any secrets. Whatever.

Good. I don't know why I said that. Oh. I don't have any secrets. I'm for the mission. Let's get that light, Griffin. Yeah, we were just playing the game. I was just answering the question.

I'm just very good at iSpy. That's all that happened there. Can you see a secret? Can you see a secret? We'll be fully repaired tomorrow. Everyone enjoy a nice sleep. No one's finished with their meals. Bap-Bap pushes his meal away and walks towards his room.

Oh, God. The homunculi start cleaning the dishes. Okay. All right. No, that's fine. Okay. I don't want to... Selena gets up very gingerly with her arms

and like walks towards her room something bothering you? no not at all Atticus you're doing fine work I'm doing alright I'm getting by okay because I can't talk to you I'm just trying to communicate my owl

and I'm just like what the fuck what the fuck is going on I can't speak to anyone I can't say, I'm just trying to communicate in my owl and I'm just like, what the fuck? Like, what the fuck is going on? I can't speak to anyone. I can't say how I'm feeling. Something's not right. It's nice for me it can't talk, can it? Yeah, it can talk to you. But it can't talk to someone else. Get the snake to eavesdrop. It can spell out words.

Yes, yes! That's true. Get a struggle with something like an E. Or an A. Which, you know, admittedly aren't very common. No, nobody's using them. Not at all. You could do a B.

I'm going to figure them out for you. You couldn't do a B? With a snake. And then like, whoa, whoa. I think you could give all the letters a good go. You could do a lowercase B. Lowercase, yeah. Lowercase E ascase yeah lowercase e

as well lowercase e c e z you could do all of the letters Jackson yeah you could get a d

atkis lowercase e um kind of once again where are you guys having this conversation

I'm away from the I was saying can I so I can communicate telepathically with my familiar? Yeah. All right.

I'm just going to be like, okay, Betsy, if you want, go and scurry out. I guess go to where the elf lady, because she may be our only ally here, potentially. She didn't seem that crazy. I don't know about Atticus. I think he's right out. I think Ira's just

caught up in it as well. Maybe you see, like, try and get her attention. But I don't know what to say. So what, though? This is... Do I just fly the coop? What do we do, Ben? You guys are far out to sea. You lost sight of land a long

time ago, and this thing moves a lot faster than any regular ship. We should start just building a boat in the deck. And it just disappeared one day. Okay, so amazing. You guys have gone back to your room. It's like, Betsy, do we just start killing... There are homunculi all over the place. Betsy, do we start killing homunculi?

There are homunculi all over... Not all of us, right? There are a lot of homunculi in this room, but they've already relegated themselves to the corners where you would sweep them. Oh, okay. They all watch you as you come in. That's great. Good work, Bam Bam.

I love what you've done. That's some ominous shit right there. That's great what you've done with this. This is good. All right, I'm just going to go to sleep Alright That's a nice night for us Yeah even if I could I don't think

Sorry even if I needed to I don't think I could sleep I'll hop in and have a sound dress Right It's murder mystery feel It's getting a bit Okay I'll hop in and have a sound dress. Right, so I don't... Murder mystery field. It's getting a bit... Because we can't say anything. We can't communicate. I'm going to start talking in Orcish at you.

What are you saying there? I was half asleep. Do you say that in common? No, I'll say it in Orcish back. What's going on, Atticus? With what do you mean? Are you for the... Guys, if you can speak Gnomish,

can a Gnomish speak Orcish? Not necessarily. Well, he's a Gnome. It's always a risk. Oh, no. It's a risk you're going to take. I was going to be whispering in Orcish. For what, you mean? Finding the griffon? Yeah. That'd be good, wouldn't it? It's a risk you're going to take I was going to be whispering in orkish Kind of What?

For what you mean? Finding the griffon? Yeah Well that'd be good wouldn't it? We'll get rich Are you sure though? I can have this boat

But can are we going to get rich? Well he promised us Yes but does he think Batbap seems like an honest gent Well good

That seems like the kind of fellow that wouldn't lie to a lad you know yeah you reckon this is nature okay

this is the way of the world dog eats man man eats dog that's the land that's the lay of the land go to sleep stop worrying yourself

don't look at me I don't know the answers for you don't look at me when he's like when you're like he's an honest man he'll pay us

right so okay good chat good chat When he's like, when you're like, he's an honest man, he'll pay us. Right? So. Okay, that was a good chat. Yeah, good chat. Good conversation. I'm probably going to have to kill Alex. Am I going to have to kill Alex in his sleep? I've just gone to have some trance time.

I need to just, I need some space. Okay, let's, I'm not going to be sleeping much. Yeah, hi. Did you actually try to sleep? Not sleep? No. I'm going to have to try. I'm going going to be sleeping much. Yeah, I... Do you actually try to sleep? Not sleep? No. I'm going to have to try. I'm going to prepare some...

Let's see. I'm going to prepare some spells. Don't need to fly anymore. Okay. You might. What if we rise up in the air again? Are we going to? Yeah.

The idea is to fix the balloon. We've got more reserve air. Hydrogen. Sorry. You want flies, haven't you? One of each, a fireball and a fly. I'd be at the bottom of the sea now if we didn't have flies. I don't know, I'm just... I'm a concern now that I'm...

I'm a tits tense. Tits tense. Tits tense. It's good stuff okay let's let's have a nap what a scientist what hit points am I on

sorry what hit points am I on do you recover as you oh yeah everyone should be full hit oh great

yeah sorry wasn't familiar with this. That's okay. When you go to sleep, you recover like a certain amount. Sweet. But I've been sleeping for like a few days. Yeah, so it's kind of awesome. Okay.

Okay, let's have a nap. So the next day, you're all woken by the tannoy when Bap-Bap starts yelling, We're on the way. Everyone up. Everyone up. All right, now wake up. We're going up then.

I said up, Tom. Everyone up. All right, don't call me Tom. That's weird, but fine. It is for you, Tom. That broadcasts everywhere. All right. All right. You know I get it. All right. I'll head on to deck. That broadcasts everywhere. Alright. Alright.

I get it. I'll head onto deck. The balloon has been partially... Well, actually, because it's like a latticework, you can't tell how well inflated it is. But when you guys start getting air as well,

you can tell just from... It's obvious that you're going on like reserve hydrogen here. The ship does not have a lot of steam to fly right now. Everyone's on deck. Tom Wilton does not look

like he slept last night. Poor kid. I wonder what's up. I wonder what's wrong with him. Lady Sif is not here. That's probably for the best. Toled is not here either. He was gone before you guys woke up.

Excellent news. Selena is here. She's like, got this like sort of... Hang on. Are you going to do a face for us that we have to say again? No, no, no. Where's Tolib we'll like give her a quick look

and she's got this like set to her face like I don't even know how I would describe this like like fight or flight response

is over and she's picked fight she's like set jaw yeah okay I like cause she can kinda catch eyes and just like nod she's like set jaw yeah okay I like

cause she kinda catch eyes and she's like nod she's staring very straight ahead alright then never mind

where's Tollard I've noticed that we don't have a cleric anymore he's singing to Lady Sif ah

what's happened to Lady Sif Lady Sif won't be waking up Also I do like a Slash across my throat To Lady Sif

Cut out the weakness Cut out the weakness Yeah alright Okay I'm just having a thought We're close I scryed it this morning very very close

let's fight this white griffin sounds good here's how it's gonna go here's how it's gonna go down I think the storm from yesterday I think it creates the storm

I didn't know it could do that well I seem to remember storm from yesterday. I think it creates the storm. I didn't know it could do that. I seem to remember something about that in books. Adam Saul left his body like when a cicada sheds its hard shell. Now we can pick Adam off a tree and show mom. Who the fuck was I?

Well. Griffin calls the scopes, okay. Yeah, sure. Here's how it's going to go down. Ira, you're going to reman the bridge, the fixed, partially bridge. Righto. Don't fail me this time.

Yeah, all right, then. Yes, Captain. Atticus, you and I, we're going to be manning the harpoon. All right, sounds good. Nathaniel, you'll be in the balloon. If anything happens, you need to supervise the homunculi. Oh, all right. Be prepared to die for this mission, all of you.

Tom, you'll be supervising the homunculi below deck. I'm going to give Tom a thumbs up. Turn around and be like, you got this, lad. Give him hell, kid. Give him hell, lad. Give him Hell Kid. Give him Hell Kid. Now, I need you all to assemble below decks

with me. I have a quick demonstration. You all go below decks. Are we flying yet? Or are we still rising? You are like, you're like in the air,

but you're not moving anywhere other than up, I guess. Are we like to like, obviously, we can have thoughts. Oh, no. But I feel wrong, like, kind of speaking my thoughts to this group

because it kind of puts ideas in your head. Yeah. I just... I've got to say, in character, I have a suspicion of Selene. She, out of everybody, she seems the only one capable of sabotaging the platinum tanks. And now she's pissy today because we're back in the air. She got us down to sea as she wanted.

Now we're back on the air and she's pissy. You're right. That's what I'm thinking. I've seen this unfold and I'm just like I don't trust her anymore so Tullard is kneeling in front of

Sif I'm sweating bullets Tullard is kneeling in front of Sif her prone form her breathing is like she's basically in a coma right now so her breathing is super quick She's basically in a coma right now. So her breathing is super... Quick question.

Would flair... Is that going to... If I was to say, put that into a balloon, would that... It wouldn't cause it to blow up. No, I just want to do it. I just get plans, that's all. But a flaming sphere, though.

Tolod has a silver dagger in his hand and a very terrified look on his face. Bat-Bap steps up. I thought I told you to cut out the weakness. Cut out the weakness, Tolod. Come on. Oh, gee. I can't. Bat-Bap points a finger.

Tolod's head explodes. Adam, can I just stay like without reaction just staring like allow it I want off yeah cool okay Ara cut her throat

come on lad yes yes captain Come on lad! Yes captain? Do you do it? Yep. You slither through it ear to ear. Look at Luke's whole book. Where are you looking when you do this?

Away? Or at? Right in her eyes who's frozen by slitting tom's mom lady sir tom's mom yeah color tom's eyes somebody are you looking in the room there's look look at me tom just Just look directly at my face. Just focus on me right now. Okay. Who are you looking at? Are you looking at anyone?

You can look at the ceiling. Is anybody like... You can look at the homunculi on the ceiling. Who is he sending a message to? You don't need to send a message to anyone. This is cutting out the weakness. But is there anyone to send a message to in particular? Is there any weak link?

I guess if you want to really scare Tom or Selena. No, no, no. Okay, Selena, Selene, Selena, yes. Because I suspect her. Yeah, I'll... She has like, oh, man. Her hands were like at her sides, but they like bowl up into fists

and she trembles a little bit. If I've got to do it. I think you're in, mate. Sweet. Okay. Would you like me to take the bodies and chuff them over the edge? Yes, please.

All right, I'll have them onto my shoulders. I don't know if I can scoop up their head. No, no, no. He waves a hand, the homunculi clean it up. All right. I'll chuff him off over the edge onto a little elf boy's face. What?

The little elf boy? For real? At his family cruise. He's on crutches, he's got a knife, and he's like, I'm finally free. I'm going to see you, dumbass. He's in a boat. Boat hospital.

Oh, my God, yes. Uh-huh. Dumbass He's in a boat Boat hospital Oh my god you guys Uh huh Anyway yeah Chuck them overboard Okay Will the crew cope with rising tensions? Find out next time on D&D Sidequests Want to hear more of our bullshit? Why not check out some of our other great podcasts?

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