D&D is For Nerds - The Day the Circus Came to Town #1 A Town Called Temperance

Episode Date: May 30, 2017

In which our heroes meet an elf wandering in the desert. Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your tickets for our UK tour right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: redbubble.com/people/sanspantsradio or teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradio Want to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter: twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradio Or individually at;Adam: twitter.com/RetroArchetypeGabe: twitter.com/gobergmoserJackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadZammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio. Okay, so a highfalutin city lawyer is driving down this country road, right? He's been driving for a solid, you know, couple hours and he drives just because he loves his car. He's in this red Ferrari or whatever, it's the latest one there is and it's like the best car on the road. He's so certain of it and in his rearview mirror he sees just a dust cloud approaching him at high speed and he's like nah puts pedal to the metal and then he loses that dust cloud anyway he's driving for a little bit longer and he sees the dust cloud getting bigger and bigger again and he's like what the hell he tries to go as fast as he can he's going faster than he frankly should around corners but eventually that dust cloud gets bigger bigger bigger bigger and then right past him goes

the fastest pig that this man has ever seen and as it streams past him he notices that it's got six legs instead of four the guy's like what the hell is this he keeps going he's trying to follow the pig now because he's just got to know what the hell is going on. Suddenly, bang, the pig makes a hairpin turn left into a farm. The city lawyer slows down, pulls up, drives into the farm. And as he gets to the farmstead, there's this old rickety farmer sitting out on the porch. The guy gets out of the car and says to him, hey, you see that pig that just came by? And the guy's says to him, hey, you see that pig that just came by? And the guy's like, yeah, I reckon I saw that pig. And the city lawyer says, can you

tell me about that pig? And the farmer's like, well, we wanted to breed a pig that had enough legs for me and the family. There's me, my wife, my son, my daughter, my wife's mother, and my father. So we breed a pig with six legs. The lawyer says, Jesus Christ, mate, I gotta know. What does that pig taste like? And the farmer says, well, don't know. We haven't been able to catch him yet. Hey, everyone.

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Or consider going to sandspansplus.com and signing up today. Not only will you be the first to hear of any news regarding future live shows, but you'll get 10% off tickets, access to a whole bunch of exclusive content, and we've even got our own SansPants Plus Discord, which is pretty neat and confuses my old man brain. Welcome to episode one of The Day the Circus Came to Town, a D&D is for Nerds Adventure. With the distant rumblings of many heavy creatures roaming through the desert, you can spot in the distance the town of Temperance. You are the Hogling Brothers or Family Circus, depending on how you wish to name yourselves.

Hogling Circus? Hogling Family Circus is kind of good. Yeah, I like that. Yeah. Your procession includes eight velociraptors flanking you on all sides, some of them mounted by your family, some of them just trailing because they know that they need to stay in the herd, are family. Some of them just trailing because they know that they need to stay in the herd. Four triceratops,

each of them carrying on their back a massive wooden and fabric structure, which each of you call home. And at the back, a diplodocus, hauling on giant wheels, the big top. One of the triceratops would also have cages on its side

where you keep your two dire kangaroos. Yep. Kangaroos the size of a standing on its back Clydesdale. Also, incidentally, Hooch, you have an ankeg. Let me show you a picture of an ankeg. It's kind of like a giant sand beetle. I think before you were describing it as an antlion.

I've been talking a lot about antlions recently. You have. I've been throwing that. Oh! He's kind of like... It's like a beetle a bit. Yeah, he's like a bug, but with real pretty eyes. It's about the size of a horse, and you have a large bicycle that you are teaching it to ride.

Oh, fuck. No, he's got beautiful eyes. Have a look at his beautiful eyes. Tell me that his eyes aren't like... You can get lost in those bad boys. Holy shit. It just needs eyelashes and I would be making moves. All over that.

That ankh egg. Tell you what. Let me have a look at this. No, those are beautiful. I'm oddly compelled. Yeah, there's something a bit hypnotic about them all right sexy ankek ride a bike uh yeah so you have the ankek the two dire kangaroos eight velociraptors four triceratops and the diplodocus can i just ask did you engineer this

game so that i would have a really uncomfortable erection the whole time and not be able to move or concentrate. I'm not going to- It kind of feels like what you're going for. I'm not going to lie. I gave you extra dinosaurs because I knew you'd like the extra dinosaurs. You're not wrong. And on the back triceratops, there are extra cages for the animals that you guys keep. Cool.

You are each in turn, Jackson. My name is what I'm called to put my name onto my body, who I am, what people refer to as a Tahuchla Kalombo hogling is my moniker. And I is a barbarian and also the animal beast to look after in the particular circus. And yes, I'm old and once I was put inside my head with a kangaroo foot And afterward this can only make it difficult for me to get a whole sentence out of my mouth I'm going to try so hard not to laugh at that Gabe?

I know that we're related But like, could we technically I mean, could the kangaroo foot that got put in in his head have maybe caused his accent because I don't even think I can possibly try to approximate the black sergeant

I like to think maybe he's one of those uncles we call uncle but like it was never really related is he related? we don't really know he could be as distantly related as our second cousins are engaged. There we go. You can either go a little bit southern if you want. I don't want. Gotcha.

Nothing. Yeah, because I was going to go grandiose and British. Do that. I am Algernon Hogling, ringmaster and proprietor of the Hogling family circus. And that's about all I know about this character because I haven't planned this through. It's fine. You'll pick it up as you go. That's what we do.

That's what we do. Let's see that one in southern. The particular. There you go. All right, then. I'm Flang Dangle, quick and rabbit, Hogling. I'm a monk and i'm an acrobat one of three maybe you've taken on uh flip dangle and hooch because flip dangle yeah let's go with that what did you say oh no no no flip dangle i've written flang dangle down i just read it i just erase it andangle. Perhaps you've taken flang dangle and hooch along. Well, it's flip dangle now.

Because maybe they're relations of your wife back home, and she insisted that you bring them along. They're my wife's cousins, two simple boys. From the backwater part of the land. Well, flip good, but maybe I don't think great. You also travel with a myriad of other people, other acrobats, a clown, two brothers, one of them a strong man, and the other one, a quotation marks, big man. They call him a big man because he is a halfling the size roughly of a human. Can I call him a fullling?

That's amazing. He prefers a tall AI. Tall AI? of a human. Can I call him a full name? That's amazing. He prefers Tall A'i. Tall A'i? Yeah, the two brothers' names are for the strong man, Up A'i Muscles, and the big man's name is Tall A'i Brains.

Right then. And the clown? We have a clown? The clown, his name is Rodino. Rodino. What kind of clown is he? Is he a sad clown? No, he's a happy clown. He comes out, he's a happy clown. He comes out. He's the children's entertainer. Oh, okay.

Specifically, yeah. How small are halfling children? Because like a child is about as tall as a halfling. How tiny are halfling children? Very small. They're like knee height in Lord of the Rings, I guess. Oh, they're so tiny. That's so small.

Oh, you'd be afraid to get stepped on. Anyway. Finally, in addition to get stepped on. Anyway. Finally, in addition to your big man, you have one other creature, we'll say, in your freak show. A doppelganger, so a creature that can assume someone else's form. You bill him as the creature of a thousand faces, but he prefers to be called Exelona. Or Young Craig, as I'm going to insist on calling him. How are doppelgangers? Are they, like, chill? Can I sit down and be like, hey, man, what's up?

This doppelganger, he has his, like, in different to you guys, he kind of has his own room. You all share with each other in one big bunkhouse. But the doppelganger, because of his slightly larger size, needs bigger accommodations. And so on one of the triceratops, a section has been just put away for him. Going into his room, it's like almost the fortune teller's room. Maybe he took an old fortune teller's room.

It's all draped with heavy fabrics and stuff like that. There's this heavy scent of incense suffusing the air and he sits or he lies in his bed always wearing like lots of very heavy and obscuring robes with a turban and even like a hood maybe i imagine him dressed in like like a fortune teller's garb but a bit like doppelgangers have genders well technically no okay then for simplicity's sake you often refer to him as a he. Okay. I just imagine, like, a grey, because I kind of look like a grey alien in, like, those headscarves and, like, his red lipstick.

Yeah. I don't know why. I imagine he's completely trustworthy and isn't going to cause any trouble whatsoever. Correct. You've worked with him for years. He seems pretty fine. Yeah. I trust him.

What's he getting out of it? Paid. How do you not trust him? It's the same thing everyone is. I trust less him and more the coin he brings in, I think, at this point. Yeah, you can be distrustful of him. That's fine. Like, probably a lot of people who meet him are very distrustful of him.

Doppelgangers are inherently deceptive creatures. Yeah, it sort of comes with the territory. It is very nature. In the distance, like I said, you can see the town of temperance a small elven settlement way out here in the dry steps a desert the town is probably somewhere you might have come before but only very sporadically you know the place is friendly to you sometimes you're not allowed in certain towns because people are racist towards halflings as well. But this town is either poorly defended enough

or happy enough with halflings that they can let you just come in. Sweet. That's nice. It's maybe got a standing population of roughly 2,000. So you'd think you'd get a pretty decent show here. Awesome. Before we do that, do you want to go through class traits and racial traits

and that for myself and particularly for Gabe, who I think this is your second time. Yes, and I forgot all the rules from the first time. That's fine. We'll start with the barbarian. Jackson, you have a power called rage.

Once per day, you fly off the handle. You become stronger, fitter, or just the adrenaline makes you care less. Cool. So you can take extra damage. You deal out extra damage. But at the end of your rage, and it doesn't take very long for it to end. It only takes maybe 30 seconds. But at the end of it, you become fatigued, tired, because you've overextended yourself.

Yeah, cool. Other than that... I got uncanny dodge and weapon finesse. Neither of those, both of those are passive abilities. You don't need to worry about them. Cool. The bard? Yes.

So you've got a bunch of abilities. If you flip to the second last sheet... There are so many sheets. Yeah, there are. Quite a few. So, I think you've gone too far. Go on back. The top right-hand corner, that's all your abilities?

Bardic knowledge, fascinate, inspire courage. Bardic knowledge is, as a bard, or as a travelling, you know, not acrobat, but as a travelling performer, you have seen the world. You've been in thousands of places, spoke with even more people. Because of that, you have just a breadth of knowledge of the entire world. Usually, you need to invest points or like your skill points into knowing certain things. You just always have a chance to know something. Yep. The next one was fascinate. When you are, usually a bard needs an instrument,

but I set your instrument, quotation marks, as oratory. So your specific performance is just speaking. Okay. Roll up, roll up, come see the show. You can magically fascinate a person. They become obsessed with you, start just watching you and only you. To the end. To the exclusion of all else.

The magical effect only lasts as long as you are, you know, performing. Yep. As it were. And you can only hold on to maybe three or four people at a time. Sure. But you can select who those people are. The next one was inspire. Courage.

Courage. Yes. With your oratory, improve people's abilities. Say Zamet is performing. With your oratory, you can give him a bonus so he has a better chance of succeeding. Don't fuck up. Thanks, boss. You're just like talking people up, as it were.

Finally, you have one more thing. You have spells. If you flip to the last page, there are a bunch of highlighted spells. Anything that's highlighted is a spell you know. You can cast that. I gave you a bunch of cantrips which are like level 0 weak

spells and then 2 level 1 spells. I believe cure light wounds. Cure light wounds, ventriloquism. Yeah, and ventriloquism. Oh, that's right. You have a dummy. Oh, okay. I do?

So I can have two voices? Yes. Yes. You have a dummy that's like a little gnomish contraption. You wind it up and its mouth begins to move at regular intervals. And you use your ventriloquism spell as an act with the dummy. That's awesome. Does it do anything apart from looking vaguely convincing when the dummy talks you can um it's got a couple pulleys and levers and like gears

inside it you can preset it to do a couple of simple tasks but it's not like a it's not like a golem or anything like that you mean the spell yeah the spell yeah oh the spell sorry what did you mean what was the question what does ventriloquism do apart from throwing your voice, I guess? That's it. You very convincingly throw your voice. Like, you can talk at the same time as it is talking. And you are both. Yeah, that's it.

Don't look at me. And you are both. It felt like another word All the ways this will come in useful That, that, that, that You can cast how many per day? One spell a day I believe And that's including cantrips?

No, four cantrips, one first level What do you look like? Hooch I imagine myself as like You know when someone's face is a bit too long? Yeah, like that. Sort of like, you look at it and you're like, why is his face? It seems like it's just got an extra couple inches on a regular face.

Very square, balding, but not quite bald. Like very lined on my face. I don't know even what the fuck an animal tamer wears. In terms of clothes, I think I just have like... Got canvas gloves. I've got fucking... What else have I got here? High boots.

A corset and a black bodysuit. Given what I own, that's what I'm wearing. That's for your me time. What do you... So you're the beast tamer. Yes. And you're also kangaroos. Kangaroos and ankhag and then I assume the dinosaurs. Yeah, you also so you're the beast tamer yeah and you're so kangaroos kangaroos and then i assume the dinosaurs yeah you also take care of the dinosaurs that's right do you

name can i take jackson's role at this point anyone can feed and like pat a dinosaur that's fine oh i will be oh i will be i'm mostly concerned with getting this damn ant keg to ride a bicycle so like be my guest um yeah sorry so uh i hope that was perfectly clear as mud yeah no that makes sense ish um i'll uh hope for the best if you forget something that's okay i'll you know remind you at intervals like oh uh sam it's doing thing, you can help him out. Oh, you have that fascinate ability. I'll just remind you of these sorts of things. And what do you look like? Heavily mustachioed.

Probably also balding because I think that runs in our very distant, sporadically placed family. I'm also going to be bald. But with a really bad toupee. Yes. With a really, really bad toupee and a monocle that won't stay in. That's so good and monk you have flurry of blows flurry of blows is a it's basically represents your martial arts or your training in the martial arts you don't get a lot of use out of that in the

circus maybe every now and then you're like rolled out to do a martial arts demonstration or something, but it's a rarity. For the most part you're just flipping and jumping and rolling and such through the air from, what do you call it, the little things that the acrobats... Trapeze? Trapeze, yeah.

The trapeze. And sometimes even doing tricks on a big trampoline that you guys have. That's good news. Oh, man. So what does Larry Blows actually do? It means that you get multiple attacks around. Oh, cool. So you are less likely to hit.

You take a slight penalty. But you get two attacks instead of one. Oh, smack some folk. Awesome. You also have stunning fists. Awesome. You also have stunning fist. So instead of an attack or in addition to an attack, once a day, you can activate your stunning fist ability. You strike someone in the right chi spot on their body, causing their body to seize up all around them, and they become stunned for a round.

So I believe in chi. This is a development for me. All right. Does every believe in chi. This is a development for me. All right. Does every creature have chi spots? Well, you might describe it as something other than chi. You might think of it as like you strike them in like a pressure point or something like that. Cool.

But yeah, most creatures have these pressure points or chi points. Cool. I guess ghosts probably don't. Well, there are some exceptions. And I can deflect arrows. You should narrow at me. This is definitely something that is rolled out. One of the other acrobats fires a flaming arrow at you,

and you knock it out of the way. Ah, that's good. That's amazing. You're powerful. Sometimes, though, he hits you. Yeah, no. I'm not a great... You can't deflect it every time.

I'm not a great deflector of arrows. Yeah. And I like to think that, like, in silk pants, silk vest, I think I actually have, no, I have a leather jerkin. Fuck yes. Silk shirt, silk pants, leather jerkin, bald as a dickens, but, like, you're shaved, I feel. Yeah, yeah.

Well, it's probably better than letting it, you're bald naturally. Well, exactly. I'm looking at my fan being like, eh. It's coming. It's going to happen sooner or later, and then I'll just shave myself. Shaved eyebrows, shaved chest, shaved everything. All right. I'm just like my fan being like, eh, it's going to happen sooner or later. And then I just shaved myself. Shaved eyebrows, shaved chest, shaved everything. All right. Like a shaved boy.

Gross. Yuck. Maybe oiled up at times. Yes. Ew. Ew. That's gross. I was happy not knowing that, personally.

Unhappy with my fuse. As you approach the town of Temperance, you can see that something is maybe amiss. There's no one really out in the streets. And you can tell from this extreme range that some of the buildings have been boarded up. Does it look like most of the buildings have been boarded up? It's hard to tell from this distance. But something definitely looks wrong about the town.

Oh, Gabe, did you mention your name, by the way? Yeah, Algidon. You are the only one from the back of one of the triceratops leading the procession. You can spot a lone figure wandering his way towards you guys. Alright. Okay.

You perhaps turn around to the rest of the group, knowing that something's going wrong in temperance, and you maybe call out a warning. Do I call him to a halt? You can if you want. I will call you to a halt. All the Triceratops and the Diplodocus pull up slowly,

but then eventually come to a complete stop. Maybe they form kind of a defensive circle sort of thing, and everyone just waits. I'll pop my head out of a window circle sort of thing and everyone just waits I pop my head out of a window on whatever triceratops or whatever I'm on what am is why if how come have we not been moving anymore

you're a little startled by the sudden appearance I like to imagine one of my eyes occasionally just drifts off to the side then it like slams back into place and you're like, what? Is it an active thing? What's going on there? Does he do that normally?

Somebody is approaching from a yonder semi-bordered uptown. Why is it bordered up? Swing my hand to gander at him. Can I get a good look at the fella? Or lady? Yeah, Hooch, you see him in quite vivid detail he's it's an elf he's naked from the waist up and you see he's got all these weird tattoos maybe or someone's painted on his body but these weird symbols all over him and he's slowly approaching you guys he's got like a

half dazed look on his face. He may have got a cross at the top of his body in particular. He got a bit of a tattoo upon his body. He's got tattoos there. Being a cowardly man, can I send... Oh, this adventure's gonna go well. Oh, yes. Being a

cowardly ringleader, can I please send Flangdangle to go and treat with the encroaching elf man I please send Flangdangle to go and treat with the encroaching elf man? Right. Flangdangle? Get on a... Am I on a raptor? You can grab one. Alright.

You're not allowed to ride my raptors. You can walk. But I wanted to ride it. The raptors are for Algernon alone And his special touch I guess I start meandering Tall R.E. from a Traceratops further back grunts

Be silent, Tall R.E. Be silent, Tall R.E. I start Heading off Alright You on foot Set off towards The lone figure Gotta grab a raptor

Get my hand slapped Can I just Can I just clarify That this is only because Like if any of my People die Probably prefer it As one of like

My wife's cousins Dumb sons Because frankly They're bringing down The noble name Of the hog hogling family circus but man can i do some flips and shit well all right eventually you get close enough to get a good look at him and uh he like your distant relative hooch said he seems half dazed he's

kind of stumbling his eyes aren't focusing properly he might be drunk or maybe have a head wound it's hard to tell and someone is with a white and red paint has just slathered all over his chest and arms and face weird symbols that you yeah you just can't place he's ignores you solidly and just keeps walking how do you do sir sir is he walking towards the procession? Yeah, he's walking towards the procession. He stops, turns around, and tries to focus on your face, but he's having trouble. Can I give him a... Do I smell alcohol? Breathe on me.

He doesn't smell of alcohol, but he does stink of incense. It reminds you of the doppelganger's room. Are you all right, sir? Do you need food or water or medical attention? I am the sacrifice, he says. Sacrifice to what or to whom? The angry gods. The angry gods.

He turns around and keeps walking. Keeps walking? Stumbling, I should say, rather. What do you mean, angry guards? Sack, refice, must be made. What kind of... Where to and what from? Are you from the town?

He doesn't answer that. He just keeps stumbling. Slowly. Yeah, I'm going to keep pace with him and be like, keep asking questions. Do I get any answers? He answers sporadically. Right. Could I have him taken into custody by my people?

Because this could be a sign for, like, bad fortunes to be made in the town. That's true. If he's come from the town and it's boarded up, I want to be sure. They're sending out sacrifices. What? I'm not sending my very expensive raptors into this town to sacrifice something made. Upper E cracks his knuckles, hops down off the triceratops, and wanders over to the man. The big boss said, we've got to take him in. All right, then.

Well, you grab him. He's talking about some kind of sacrifice. Well, that's just not right. He seems a bit like Fang Dazzled. All right, there, boy. The elf struggles as Upper E grabs him, but Upper E is the strong man of this circus, and he wrestles him to the ground.

What you want to do with him, boss? Is torture frowned upon? Jesus. By who? Well, you know. Generally, torture is frowned upon. Would the townsfolk I could potentially make some money off be bothered if I was to torture one of their own

for information that he's not being forthcoming with? It's unlikely that you're going to be welcomed with open arms. Alright, look, I'll forget the torture for now. That's fair. I like that that's on the table still. You're going to be a good guy. Rules are cowardice and fear.

I'm not going to torture myself. I don't want to get my hands dirty. I want my enemies to share my fear. Let me robustly question him. Maybe one or two punches from Upper E, if need be. What is going on in yonder town, peasant folk? You call him peasant folk? Yes, I did.

Because, frankly, Algernon thinks anybody below him is a peasant. And technically he's below him because I'm on Triceratops' back. So you don't bring him up onto the Triceratops? Oh, no, I don't get down. Algernon does not get down from his triceratops Arpan binds his hands together And he's walking behind the triceratops Is he answering questions? He doesn't answer questions

Strip him naked Strip him naked Arpan gives you a pleading look Strip him naked I use fascinate to convince Arpan to strip him naked strip him naked. I use fascinate to convince Ape to strip him naked. You don't need to use fascinate. Ape begins reluctantly

stripping the elves pants off. Is he being more forthcoming? No. You have to understand like before you all go calling me a monster they're like let me clarify I have a circus here paid for out of my own pockets i've got my my dumb distant relations who my wife is going to be furious at me if i let them get

killed despite the fact that's sort of what i want or what and there's a distant town that's sending out blood sacrifices i need to know what's going on before i leave my circus into that fray if you continue to move the elf trips over falls and you're dragging him okay let's call the circus to a halt for a second turn around are you more forthcoming with answers now the elf slowly staggers to his feet and walks away as if trying to keep going wherever he was going the rope goes taut and he says, I'm the sacrifice. I need to go. Boss, maybe he like nothing wrong. Kind of like with Hooch over here, maybe he'd be hit by a head. Exelona sticks his or her head out of the tent where his room is and just watches.

Like maybe he bit, you know know something wrong with him Perhaps it not be on A particular realm or reason If him perhaps there is It's good for the town Like perhaps putting out a sacrifice That makes their crops grow good Actually for a worker Hmm

Not beyond realm or reason Let him go Upper E is about to climb down to let him go. When the earth beneath you begins to rumble. Don't let him go. You hear something large in the distance. You know that classic, like something is underneath the earth coming towards you and it's like displacing earth as it moves. Tremors?

A big mole? Yeah, like a tremors. That, maybe the size of a subway car, is making its way from way out in the desert towards you guys at a rapid pace. Might I also just put this sacrifice headed toward the big worm. I'm sorry, I didn't get a word of that. Might I suggest we all put on the sacrifice adder to water the big worm?

Yes, let's do that. Cut the sacrifice tree. Let him go, send him in that direction. Upper E slides down very quickly, runs over. Faster, man! Faster! Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut. Cut some loose.

Whip him. Make him run. I got a whip. Make him run towards the world. I got a whip. From the back of the triceratops, you try to whip. Your whip hits the elf solidly between his shoulder blades. The elf stiffens in pain, but doesn't move. Then you guys are underway as Upper E is like kind of half dragging, half climbing back up.

I don't like what I've become. Become? You started like this. Look, well, yeah. Look, hey, that's the way it goes. I'm doubling down. It's good. Oh, boy.

So. What's that? Out of the way it goes. I'm doubling down. It's good. Oh, boy. So. What's that? Out of the dirt? This. Oh, mother of fuck. It's a giant worm. It's a big pink worm. Purple worm.

Give it here for me to gander at. You know June? The sandworm from June? Yeah, it's the sandworm from June. Holy shit. It's more can swallow your Diplodocus in one go. No, don't do that. Oh, God.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Let's go. It bursts out, lands, such that it more encompasses the tiny, comparatively, elf. And then, bang, it's back in the earth, making its way towards you guys. It's gaining. Can we move faster?

I'm going to transfer to Velociraptor back. Fuck my circus. I think the Triceratops actually are the fastest. Okay, no, I'm staying on the Triceratops back. All right. You try to urge your Triceratops forward. With middling success. There's no going back now.

I'm using the whip. Hooch urges his triceratops. Hooch, a better animal handler, is kind of like starting to pass you. Hooch, I want your triceratops. Yeah, okay, then put you on. If you can hop aboard and be the driver of this particular dinosaur beast. One of the triceratops is beginning to fall back. The one being controlled by Rodino, the clown.

Not the clown! Not Rodino, the clown! That's all right. Waltz has to get somebody first. He was never very good. He was a children's hater. How much do children's haters bring in? Not much, not much.

This is an adult circus. This is a quality entertainment. Circus for grown-ups. All right. So, Algernon, you leap from your Triceratops to Hooch's Triceratops. You get the added benefit that Hooch's Triceratops was already going at top speed. Hooch, you transfer over, and now that Triceratops is going at top speed. I want my one back.

Yes, boss. They're kind of neck and neck at this point. You're like the guy in, like, Traffic Jam, just constantly switching lanes. I'm watching very closely to see if his Triceratops advances. Rodino's Triceratops once again begins to fall back and is now at the back

of the pile. Boss, I'm the clown. He gonna become in a stomach of the beast. I tell Rodino to jump off his Triceratops because triceratops are expensive. And I would rather Rodino get eaten than the triceratops. Rodino can't hear you.

Oh, for fuck's sake, Rodino. From the inside of the creature's belly. Oh, he's got an evil eye. Has the triceratops been devoured with him? The creature leaps out of the dirt, slams into the triceratops been devoured with him? The creature leaps out of the dirt, slams into the triceratops, bites down, and you see spurts of blood from in between. Is my triceratops insured?

Heis or los? What does that mean? It's like kind of just a 50-50 chance. Okay, heis. Heis? You did not pay your premiums Fuck God damn it We've been out in the desert

It's hard to get back to like Blast and dang it Re-up it Oh man, a triceratops See, like one velociraptor When it's more opens You see that its mouth is just Rings and rings and rings

And rings of teeth Going as far in As you can actually see. And when it closes around the triceratops... That is terrifying. Let's keep going. All that you see is just blood and bits of skin shoot out all around its mouth.

Bang! It's back in the dirt. How far away are we from it? From it? Like, what's the space? Well, it's probably I'd say 50 feet behind the Diplodocus. Oh, man. Oh, no. Huge old boy.

Yes, sir. You're an animal tamer, right? Yes, it's my job to put the animals in their place, yes. How far do you think your skills extend? I could try. Go see if this particular worm is the same as the triceratops is. Very good, lad. Get cracking.

A worm! How about if you calm down there, perhaps don't attack the particular cavern, and we can all get back to having a good time. There's not a lot you can do from where you are. I still scream at the worm from the back of my triceratops. Can Hooch tame the mighty purple worm? Unlikely, but find out next time on The Day the Circus Came to Town,

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