D&D is For Nerds - The Day the Circus Came to Town #2 The Magnificent Seven

Episode Date: June 3, 2017

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Once again, follow us on Facebook and Twitter for more information. Welcome to episode two of The Day the Circus Came to Town, a D&D's for Nerds adventure. Previously. To hooch like a lumbar hogling is my moniker. I don't even think I can possibly try to approximate. You could be like, enjoyed my marriage as well. I like to think maybe he's like one of those uncles we call uncle. I am Algernon Hogling.

I'm Flang Dangle, quick and rabbit. You can see the town of temperance a small elven settlement way out here in the dry steps A desert I don't know even what the fuck an animal tamer wears most creatures have these pressure points or cheap ones cool I guess ghosts probably being a cowardly man. Can I? Yes, he stops turns around and tries to focus on your face, but he's having trouble. Can I give him a bit of a... Do I smell alcohol? What you won't do with him, boss, is torture frowned upon. You know that classic, like, something is underneath the earth, coming towards you,

and it's, like, displacing earth as it moves? Tremors? A big mole? Yeah, like a tremor. No, June. The sandworm from June. Yeah, it's the sandworm from June. Holy shit.

Hooch, you do your absolute best to tame the worm. All your career and knowledge has come to this point. Nah. Just nah. Just turn back to you, one eye sort of off to the side. Shrug. God, man, what am I paying you for? I'll try again.

The three Triceratops and the one Diplodocus and the many Velociraptors all running around you pass a small fence and a swinging sign that says Temperance City Limits, Population 1,872 population 1,872. Does it look like it was just crossed out from 1,873? Yeah. Be good. The creature leaps out of the ground,

and when it tries to cross the threshold of temperance city limits, it slams instead into some sort of invisible barrier, crumples all up against it. The creature, like a rope, is slowly crumpling against this barrier. Its body slowly wraps around the top of the invisible barrier. You can see it extends very high, and this creature is very big. When it finally is completely out of the dirt and just falling, you can see that if you were to walk from one end of it to the other,

it would take you about as long as walking from one end of a giant worm. Well, the thing I've got in my head right now is Melbourne's CBD, but, like, that doesn't mean a lot for viewers at home. So a town, a very big, well, city. It's the length of, I'd say- How many football fields? How many football fields? Yeah.

Maybe 20? My word. That's big. Yeah. It's- Dear Lord. 10 city blocks, maybe, in length. God damn.

As tall as the sky. So, Hooch, the potential for taming this thing. Okay, but if I try, I suspect I die. Its tail hits the other side of the town, far in the distance. The creature spasms once on the barrier, then rolls off and begins to encircle this magical barrier. I think perhaps the missile ringmaster Algenon him and got

ears to heal. But if we could. I could put out, just try to begin with placing particular snacks in it can eat the snacks and gain his trust. Alright, you'll have to walk to the other side of town to get to its mouth.

Alright. All right. Do that. You guys cross through the main street in town. Do I have, like, is there, like, meat that I use to, like, train the, to mismarple the ant keg? Yeah, you have. Mismarple's the ant keg and our dire kangaroos are Briggs and Murtaugh. You have some meat, but you don't know how much meat this thing's going to require. I've been given instructions by the ringmaster, so, like, it's my job.

Just thinking, if we can tame this thing, we will have the greatest circus in all the land. He's not wrong. He's right. Walking through town, doors start opening up and elves start coming out. All of them are emaciated. Oh. I guess it's hard to get food when there's a big worm outside. emaciated.

I guess it's hard to get food when there's a big worm outside. The elves look like perhaps this town has been besieged by this creature for some time now. All of their stomachs are like shrinking concave things and you can see bones and skeletal structure from all over. I tell Upper E to

secure the food triceratops. Make sure nobody comes near it. Yes, boss. Please tell me that taller E almost speaks like Frasier Crane because that's what I'm imagining for some reason. Nice! Yeah, isn't that good, I guess?

Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling. Tall salad is scrambling. Yeah, that's what I want. All right. Say yes with hair like hair, like pressure cream. They're like bald on top, swept back. We're all a bit bald, so like it's good. Hereditary baldness, that's all right.

It's a halfling thing, not a your specific family. So the elves just stare at you as you guys pass through town what would you like to do there's like a big large open what was once farmland but is now just dirt that you guys could set up if you well they look they look a little bit mopey um i i reckon they might be made of a circus you're not wrong there boss set up the tents all right um i i can i address the crowd sure um hello good fellows um my name is algernon hogling of the hogling family circus and we are here to entertain you i met one of your chaps on the way in poor poor man we tried to give him food and shelter and comfort but he didn't have no bar of it and i extended the hand of friendship to him and yet he rejected it forthwith i'm hoping

nay praying that you will not be near as rude or cruel as he was to my delicate ego what say you roll up roll up the crowd is silent until a bit of a dour lot from up the back coming walking from like a you know archetypical archetypical type church, the one room, the big steeple, is an elf, also emaciated, wearing deep black robes. And with a, like a, you know, that friar is sort of like bald in the middle and then hair all around it. That, he's walking towards you guys with like like you can tell just by his stance and how he's moving he's furious oh dear he looks you dead in the eyes points a finger at you and says you have cursed this town how you have killed us how you prevented our sacrifice our lawful he as he reaches up with both hands you see he has like a black book in one hand.

Can I just point out to this disrupting rapscallion that in fact your sacrifice did go ahead. Your elf man was consumed by the worm in question and we have interfered with nothing. That boy was supposed to be at the altar, sacrificing himself for us and our gods. Heretics! We all saw that. He ate a triceratops. That's a pretty big sacrifice as well. Heresy!

He keeps yelling. Everyone's paying a lot of attention to him, and you're getting a lot of dirty looks from the crowd. Well, look, I mean, you all seem a little bit upset, so how about a circus to cheer you up? Yes. The elf takes a step forward towards you, and you take a step back.

He's fucking terrifying. And he says, There will be a reckoning! He turns around. Of entertainment. By reckoning, do you mean a reckoning in the entertainment sense? The just who wish to repent for the sins that they have brought upon us may begin the process.

He walks back towards the church and a lot of the crowd follows him. But not all the crowd. Not all the crowd. What process? Define process. One of the elves looks at you and says, there must be blood. Whose blood? He shrugs.

We should leave. Oh, wait, no. Oh, wait, no. How are you going with the taping? How close to the face of the creature am I? You wander up to it. You're all alone. You don't know what's happening.

I don't want to get to the creature's mouth. I just want to be on the other side of the barrier. It has no discernible face, just a maw. I have to the meat in. Throw the meat. Oh, fella. How is you all right in this particular understand? The meat slaps into the side of the creature's maw and slowly slides down.

All right, then. Who's a good boy and a girl? Let's see what else I got. I want to look down at my medium cage. I'll look back up at it. A medium cage could hold probably a man if he crouched. Don't think they're going to fit him inside of this particular cage. I'm just going to keep trying.

I'm just going to stay here and keep trying to tame this particular worm. Know that if you come back empty-handed, you will be whipped. Exactly. It's probably best for me to just carry on. I talk to it. Maybe occasionally I provoke it a bit with like... Do you try to feed it again? Yeah.

I keep throwing meat at it. If it won't accept the carrot, give it the stick. Exactly, yeah. If it doesn't eat the meat, I throw my smoke stick at it. Try and spook it. Nothing seems to be really affecting it. I'm just going to keep at that until the boss tells me different. I do not.

Continue. What you're doing then? I don't want to get in trouble. Back to the second. Upper E says to you, this is kind of fucked boss. I don't think I can. If they're going to rush us't think I can if they're gonna rush us like, I can wrestle

one elf circle the wagons kind of thing yeah, you're like setting up the tents okay, let's create a perimeter velociraptors in the middle triceratops around the velociraptors and then the roboticus can just do it's own thing

when I say velociraptors in the middle I mean me in the middle of the velociraptors and then... The reploticus can just do its own thing. And when I say Velociraptors in the middle, I mean me in the middle of the Velociraptors. And then around the Triceratops, I will place... Xelanor is reasonably expensive, so he can come in with the Velociraptors. Everybody else can encircle the Triceratops. And I'll hang on to upper ear as well because I need some muscle. Rodino's already been eaten, hasn't he?

Yeah, Rodino's. I should probably cross Rodino off. Okay. And the furthest part of the perimeter. You also have the diacangaroos, although they respond mostly to the commands of, yeah, Hooch. And Miss Marple. Miss Marple's good. Put the...

Yankag? Yeah. No, that's a wild creature that you're trying to tame. I'll tame it in time. Sorry? Put the dire kangaroos with the triceratops, because they're reasonably expensive, but without hooch, they're not really worth all that much to me.

And then... One of them calls out. Put Barlow the acrobat on the furthest point of the perimeter, so he will be the first to go if somebody comes looking for blood. Flandangle or flip dangle or whatever you're calling yourself these days, you can be slightly within the perimeter because your mother will be furious

if I let you get et. That is correct, sir. Meanwhile, Hooch, continue as you were. I fear our only way out of this is taming the worm. A lot of the elves are just watching you guys as you set up. None of the ones that went to the church. They're all still in there. In fact, you probably hear the bell ringing occasionally.

And maybe like the sounds of, you know, prayer and stuff like that coming from there. From the outer edges of town, you see another elf, a female, stomping towards you guys. She's got like just a simple blood red robes. I adjust my toupee. She's got simple blood red robes, a pleasant looking face, but her eyes are tired. I smooth my mustaches. Her clothes look kind of torn and shabby like she's been in a fight. When she gets to the group she starts

she's staring at you guys starts talking to like moving among people talking with them well hello there hello um nice tan you have here well tan you have here like yes can i ask who who are you uh well my my name is uh flying dango the acrobat. We are part of the amazing hogling family circus. Perhaps you have heard of us. Put some spirit into it, boy. Perhaps you have heard of the amazing hogling family circus. We are a bunch of traveling halflings that we have seen amazing things. We do amazing things.

This is our amazing entertainment. I remember that tent, yes. That's a nasty cough you got there, lady. I remember that tent, yes. I think you came to town when I was a child. That is probably correct. Were you amazed at my ability to snatch

arrows out of the thin air? You've come at a very poor time. I don't think you were there then. It was quite some time ago. Probably not. I'm quite young, yes. You've come at a dreadful time, obviously. The creature is...

What is that, by the way? I'm not sure. I've been researching it for months now, but to no success. Is one of your people near its maw? I like to imagine just a big pile of meat in front of it. That is my great uncle, I believe.

He's trying to tame that beast. If he sticks any part of his body outside the protective circle, he's a dead man. Right. Do you want to talk to my boss, Algonon, the ringleader of this here fine circus? I run my hand through my toupee, smoothing it.

Pop out my chest and clear my throat. He's an amazing human being, the kindest person you'll ever meet. And, oh, my God, he's got the vocals of an angel. Now you go speak to him, and I'm going to go talk to my great uncle. All right, then. Greetings, pretty lass. How fare you, this fine morn. Are you in need of some circus entertainment?

Perhaps a private show in my personal tent. The curtains to Exelona's room open up and Exelona sticks his head out and just watches again. Exelona loves a show. Sorry, young Craig loves a show sorry young craig loves this show uh she she seems not like flattered or anything like that just like oh okay anyway um yes uh you you've come at like i said a poor time uh i can't be away from my uh dwelling for long. I'm afraid... Well, I'm afraid that the religious nuts of the town might do something rash. But you might be able to help us.

How? There's a sheriff in this town. He's currently locked away in the jail at the sheriff's office. If you could free him, hopefully without bloodshed, that would be very good. You haven't aroused anger from anyone here, have you? No. No, not at all. Oh, good.

Not remotely. That priest, the nut job, is trying to sacrifice people to his gods. So if I was to attempt to free your sheriff, that would be a beneficial thing for you and the people of your town, would it not? A calming presence. Yes, a calming presence. Good. Now, see, where I am from, when a service is given, payment is received.

So, if you don't mind me asking, I bat my eyelashes at her, what's in it for me? What do you want i blush um coin actually we'll do just fine well oh good i have coin an ample amount of coin you see i came to your town uh hoping to be putting on a show and to make some money from presenting you with the finest entertainment your poor weary eyes ever did see. As it turns out, that will not be happening, so you can understand my disappointment. I would like the equivalent money to your entire town having visited my circus for a week.

How much would that be? I don't know what the currency is in this place. Are you like being generous for yourself or are you being like realistic here? I'm being excessively generous for myself. Well, if all of the roughly 2,000 people in this town attended your show, you would make across two days?

I said a week, but I'll go with two days. You'd make maybe 2,000 gold. I'll take that. For the sheriff. She sputters. 2,000? Like an old-timey calculator, like an abacus.

But let's see. 2,000 people in the town. I can't perform my show because of all this time and effort going towards helping the sheriff, so we can't perform for at least two nights. So everyone come to see us. Plus insurance for that triceratops. Plus insurance for that triceratops we did lose coming into this town. 2,000 for the show we're not getting.

By that dirty, dirty, dirty preacher boy. Yes, 2,000 gold. You know what? No, 2,000 plus 10% for the devoured triceratops, plus another 5% for the emotional distress enacted on my person by your giant worm, which nobody warned me about on my way to the town. And I do believe, whatever that comes to, is I believe more than fair compensation for the liberation of your sheriff.

She gives you a dark look. Well, I suppose then you'll rot in here with the rest of us. She turns tail and leaves. Come back! I've considered your request, and let's just dial it back to 2,000,

shall we? 2,000. You should be lucky to get one. One and a half. She spits in her hand. One to get one. One and a half. She spits in her hand. One and a quarter. One and a third? One and a quarter. I take it.

She shakes your hand. For some reason, I just assume you're standing on a box. Like, roll up, roll up. She takes your hand. Then says, the sheriff's office is the one with the big sign that says, Sheriff, I assume you can get there from here. Well, I won't be doing it.

I'll be sending Upper E and a triceratops. I said, whatever. She turns around and leaves. Oh, one more thing. Just watch out for David. He'll try to sell you something. Don't buy it. I'm gonna buy it whatever it is I want it.

Okay, so has she paid me yet? Not yet. You don't want that. You're an upfront and then you leave. Hooch. Yeah. At the creature's moor. You hear from behind you Well, well, well. what do we have here? Good evening, sir.

You turn around to a very emaciated-looking elf wearing a tails coat, you know, with the tails, a big top hat, a nice suit with a bow tie. You look like you could use one of David's special remedies. Perhaps I could. At the moment, my job here to employ is to make this particular purple worm part of the Hoggle and Bartle circus. You know what will help you with that, my good friend? Yes.

He turns around and reaches into a little sack that he's brought with him. Why, just David's magic elixir. While I'm... I'm going to be an arming about the fact she hasn't paid me yet. Does it occur to me that Hooch might be being taken advantage of at this point? You can see in the distance a man who you could only describe as a snake oil sale. Is this talking with Hooch? Can I send Flang Dangle to tell Hooch

to extract himself from that situation forthwith? I think you were already on his way. He was already on his way. I buy it. Whatever he's offering, I'll buy it. Well, how much gold do you have? How much gold do I have? How close am I to this?

You're within earshot. Can I send Upper E to whip Fandangle to move faster? Upper E looks at you and says, Boss, I can either go over to the Sheriff with a Velociraptor or I can whip the boy. Okay. Can I send Upper E to do the Sheriff with the Triceratops? And can I send...

Triceratops? Yeah, Triceratops. All right. No, not Velociraptor. Triceratops can batter down things. triceratops. Yeah, a triceratops. All right. No, no, not for lost raptors. A triceratops can batter down things. Just destroy the building. Exactly. It's easy.

It's a biggie. And can I send Tola-y to whip Flan Dangle? I'm so close. I'll swap. I don't think I have any gold, but I'll swap him a smoke stick, a butterfly. I'll just start emptying my bag. Do you have any food? Yeah, I got rations.

That pile of meat. I'll take those rations. Wait, no, I don't have rations. Well, now, I'll take those rations off your hands. I got meat forgiven to the creatures, but it's still good. He snatches the rations from your hands and shoves the elixir into them. You arrive. I have poachers for... He's dropping rations into his sack. Well, I have purchased for

He's dropping rations into his sack. No, hang on. What was your name, sir? Sorry. Well, hello there. My name is David the Magnificent. Right, David the Magnificent. My name is Flang Dangle, the Magnificent Acrobat. Now, what has been

happening here? Look, my uncle is a humble transaction. He's not in his right mind, sir, so anything that is a transaction. Now, what has been... What's happening here? Look, my uncle is... Just a humble transaction. So he's not in his right mind, sir. So any further transaction... Well, you know what'll help with that? He helps you uncork the bottle. Just take a nice big squig... Oh, my Lord.

Oh, my Lord. No, but Hooch is... Golly, you were not supposed to drink all that in one go. I finished. I just wanted to see if you would yeah um you feel fine right now

what did he perhaps for my body and my mind it worked right then what did he give you for this shall we say uh elixir uh nothing that he couldn't part with. He begins to tighten the drawstrings on his sack

and start leaving. Right. I think whatever I gave to put him in his backpack was for the best of the situation because I think it fixed my brain. I just smiled. Of course it did.

Am I seeing this happen? If you're paying attention to it, yeah. My attention's so divided. Is the sheriff's office being breached at this point? Slowly, like... It's just like micromanaging from behind you, like on top of a triceratops.

I'm seeing him clearly being taken advantage of. From the back of the diplodocus, a point of high vantage point, you can see up at the... Sorry, yeah? Can I intervene at this point with the snake oil transaction? Yeah, sure. You can go over there if you want.

By the time you get there, though, the guy might be gone. Can I ever try to... He's hitching his sack and leaving. You can follow him or you can go after... Or you can go grab Hooch. Can I ever trip him up? Who has begun throwing up. Sorry. Can I ever trip him up? Who has begun throwing up, sorry. Can I ever trip him up with my quarter staff?

You can certainly try. I'm going to try. No, you wait right here. You swing and he jumps over your blow. Well, I don't think I will. He turns tail and runs. For fuck's sake. You can chase after him, but he's got longer legs than you

Right What did you give him? Oh my god You're just vomiting Like Who do you want to go after? Can I ride a triceratops after David? You most certainly can

Okay Can I take Tola'i with me? Just like the indignation Tola'i has to come back From heading over there with a whip Did he succeed in whipping Flandangle? He's still on his way with a whip. I'm surrounded by amateurs.

Okay. What do you want from us? I did what you asked. Fine, fine, fine. I get this feeling from your character, Algernon, that the Hogling name used to be a very noble name. At some point, we were rulers of somewhere, and we've just like... You were

never a ruler but like your parents' parents' parents were so you're like a boardroom plot. I'm basically a king. The deeper I'm getting into this, the darker I'm feeling my character going. Okay. I ride my triceratops with

great haste and vigor after David. Alright. I ride my triceratops with great haste and vigor after David. All right. David freaks the fuck out as you, like, charge him down with the triceratops. He drops the sack and runs faster. Highs or lows? Highs. I imagine, like, in your office, you have, like, a portrait done of you as a lord. Yes.

Like, slims down and with actual hair. Yeah, yeah. David jumps a fence to get away from you and the triceratops. Unfortunately, the fence he jumps is the fence that marks the boundary of where temperance is. This is exactly how I wanted this to play out. Of where temperance is. He's outside the fence for a brief moment before he realizes what he's done

and where he is. The giant worm crashes down onto him. Well then. When it slides off, there's just a red smear. I watch with a cold, expressionless grin.

No, sorry, not expressionless. I watch with a cold grin and then I mutter to myself, we are going to make so much money off this thing. Exelon is behind you oh hello exelon friends young young craig i believe they call you uh how how are you just staring at you with those giant eyes he doesn't say anything he never does

classic have you did what what what What ails you, my friend? Exelon goes back into the tent. I glance around to make sure nobody else has seen my moment. And then I turn my triceratops and I ride back to where the sheriff's office is being breached. I ride back to where the sheriff's office is being breached. This is like a no-nonsense ringleader. Oh, fuck. That's a scary circus.

Like, it seems like, you know the old adage, you don't need to run fast. What is it? You don't need to outrun you. The bear, I need to outrun you. Yes. That seems like the foundation of Algenel's personal philosophy. Yes.

So over at the sheriff's office, a lot of people, all of them with those weird patterns that you saw the guy outside with on their chest, they're all like bear chested, are menacing on the upper E and the triceratops with spears and bows. And some of them have a smattering of gunpowder weapons,

pistols and rifles. Every now and then, as you approach Algernon, you hear like a... One of them goes off. The triceratops roars in pain. Stop that! Upper E backs off with the triceratops roars in pain stop that upper e backs off with the triceratops oh well actually yeah upper e backs off with the triceratops preventing it from going on like a fucking rampage the triceratops slowly paddles backwards until it's even with you um

algernon upper e turns to you and yells from the back of his one, there are some people in the sheriff's office. I think they're with the priest. Do not take kindly to me trying to free the sheriff. Shit. Adam, the worms on the other side of the town know, yeah? Yeah, it's moving.

I'm going to walk towards his mouth again. As you're walking, Tala'i catches up with you. Ah! What did I do? You take four points of non-lethal damage. I'm going to quickly talk to, like, right, we need to stop this now.

I think Boss wants us to kind of, I think, just to go back with him. Boss said move faster. Oh. Move faster, make a fuss in the particular worm to be a part of the circus. Is that what he wants us to do? All right, then. Yes, sir. Tola, he has a hunch.

Yeah, it's not right for a halfling to be that big. No, it is not. He was accidentally hit by a spell as a child. Well, I'll walk to the other side to the moor. I guess like through the crowd. Yeah, we just, I guess, keep going. Tola E follows you with the whip. Now I'm roped into helping tame a beast for some reason.

Okay. Meanwhile at the sheriff's office. Okay. Options seem thin on the ground at this point in time. Upper E says, I think we should maybe try this again a little later, boss.

I turn to the slowly approaching crowd, and in a wavering voice, I yell out, So how about that circus? Heretics! Someone yells. You hear another gunshot. Oh, boy.

A bullet rips through your torso. What? Uh-oh. You take six points of damage. Uh-oh. You take six points of damage. So you go from 16 to 10. Oh, Jesus. Upper E turns his triceratops around as quickly as he can,

and he says, I think it's best that we try again later, boss. We retreat. You stomp away from the angry crowd. That was close. Right then. Well, we're going to keep on trying to tame this here worm. Boy, worm. You can't be making an angry face,

putting violence into your language. You've got to be quiet and gentle like a mother's kiss. I throw the meat and then I whisper sweet nothings to the worm. How about now you work here for old Hooch? How about you be old Hooch's friend for a bit? Alright now? Can Hooch, with some time and patience,

finally accomplish his game long goal of taming the Great Worm? Unlikely. But find out next time on The Day the Circus Came to Town, a D&Dist for Nerds adventure. Thanks for listening. If you want to help support the show, why not become a member at sandspantsplus.com

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