D&D is For Nerds - The Day the Circus Came to Town #3 Open Range

Episode Date: June 6, 2017

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So Hooch, the potential for taping this thing. Okay, but if I try, I suspect I die. Rolls off and begins to encircle this magical barrier. Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling. Top salad is scrambled eggs. Yeah, that's what I want. That boy was supposed to be at the altar sacrificing himself for us and our gods. I'm going to stay here and keep trying to tame this particular world.

Know that if you come back empty-handed, you will be whipped. Exactly. I figure our only way out of this is taming the world. From the outer edges of town, you see another elf, a female, stomping towards you guys. I adjust my toupee. Watch out for David. He'll try to sell you something. Don't buy it.

Right. What did you give him? Oh, my God. You're just vomiting. Who do you want to go after? Can I ride a triceratops after David? I'm surrounded by amateurs. Okay. What do you want to go after? Can I ride a triceratops after David? I'm surrounded by amateurs. Okay.

What do you want from us? I did what you want. Unfortunately, the fence he jumps is the fence that marks the boundary of where temperance is. This is exactly how I wanted this to play out. Of where temperance is. He's outside the fence for a brief moment before he realizes what he's done and where he is. The giant worm crashes down onto him you're going to make so much money on this thing when you get back to the circus algernon the two

oh you kept the dire kangaroos in their cages yes yeah both of them are like howling it might be feeding time you're not sure You don't usually take care of them. Sorry, I'm flustered and distracted by the fucking bullet wound in my torso. I'll fetch Simplon. Simplon has some basic knowledge of medicine. Okay. Yeah. Can somebody please get Hooch? I don't care who and bring him back and feed the goddamn kangaroos.

We'll deal with the worm later. Upper E sits down next to you and Simplon. As Simplon, over a fire, starts heating tongs and a knife. What are you doing with those? Bullet, boss. This is not how I wanted this day to go. Upper E starts chatting about, you know, the medicine that he's about to perform.

So you're going to pull the bullet out? No, I've got to check to see whether or not I need to. That's what the tongs are for. I open it up, and if I need to take it out, take it out with the tongs. Otherwise, I just seal it up with the knife. No, good, good. Go right ahead.

Barlow gets to you guys. It's been like maybe 15, 20 minutes. I think we've been trying lots of things. Like, can we touch the beast through the barrier? Do you want to? Can you? Is it like right up against the... It was coiled.

You could try, yeah? All right. Well, what if we just... With a stick. Yeah, with like a stick. All right. Well, why if we just... With a stick. Yeah, with like a stick. All right. Well, you touched the beast with a stick. Better to...

If a tamer beast... Yeah? Use not the... Use the kiss instead of the rod, as they say. Rod. Okay. So we just whisper sweet nothings at it? I just keep whispering sweet nothings.

I join in whispering sweet nothings. You're good. You're a good worm. You're a good worm that has... One of the best damn worms I a good worm. You're the best damn worm we ever did see. My real name's Tahushla Colombo. You know that worm? Barlow gets to you and he says, Boss wants you.

Okay then. Back off. Head back. In the time, you were whipped two more times. Ow. This ain't right. This ain't right. In the time, you were whipped two more times. You take in total nine points of damage. Non-lethal.

So much whipping happening in this circus. This is a very whip-heavy circus. Man, once his wife, sister gets back here, you're treating him wrong. You shouldn't whip the man. Simplon jams the tongs into your bullet wound and lets them go. The tongs open your bullet wound up. And Simplon is looking in the wound with a red hot knife in his other hand. I can't see anything, boss.

Don't do it! Grants! He reheats the tongs. Jesus Christ! About the time you guys get there, it's about the time Simpleon jams the tongs in again and lets go. Yeah, I really just can't see anything,

boss. It's probably good. It's probably just can't see anything, boss. It's probably good. It's probably just good. He seals it closed with a knife. I yell like a mighty wounded elephant. Not high-pitched. The diacongerous are hungry. Or wimpish at all.

I'll go over to Algernon first. If anybody asks, I took the pain with grim resignation. Sure thing, boss. Absolutely. That's what I guess took place. Should I cannot get the worm,

it'd prove more difficult than I imagined, but I get to it one day. I whipped him though, boss. He did. He did whip me on my back hole. Three times he did.

For me to make sure that the kangaroo did... Fucking amateurs. Briggs and Murtaugh and me making a hollering tonight. Put an end to the hollering. All right, I'll head over. Quiet down now.

Quiet down now. Hush, hush, hush, hush. Hush, hush, hush, hush, hush. You say hush, hush, hush, hush, hush And they both Take their mighty heads in my hand And start stroking them And then give them their slop

Or whatever is the appropriate You fed their food to the worm So At this point Now that I'm convalescing From my bullet wound Yeah How dangerous are these kangaroos?

Pretty dangerous. They can put a hole right through your belly and your head if they hit you with a heart or not. Because the reality is with the 1,000, you know, like circus economics here, it wasn't going to be a case of like the whole town coming over two nights. That wasn't going to happen. So I'm already making more money off this venture than I would have been otherwise because let's face it, the town's pretty emaciated.

I might have got like a handful of people to the circus at best. So I'm already making decent money off this. I can probably stand to sacrifice one or two of my dangerous animals to get the sheriff out and get my money. So if I was to get Hooch to send one of the kangaroos in under the cover of night to break into the sheriff's office, how would that play out? Hooch would need to be there.

Like, you can direct the kangaroo there, but that's fine with that. I'd be happy for Hooch to die. It's all right. But, I mean, why don't we just try him? You begin feeding the kangaroos popcorn, because that's all you have. Like, if you want, I could try and, like, me and Bardo

and Simple on, we could just try and break in, in the cover of night. Well, that does spare me a kangaroo. Yes, good, do that. I mean, we could just kind of creep around, jump from rooftop to rooftop. Yes, good. The that. And we could just kind of creep around, jump from rooftop to rooftop. Yes, good, continue unblessed. The ant cake is also there, but it's not making noise.

It never makes noise. I'll try my bicycle with that later when they're... Maybe hooch with the kangaroo, or just hooch himself could cause a distraction. Get the crowd up at the front, and then the three of us, we just in the back there. Okay, well, don't bring the kangaroo into it if we can avoid that, because that just be better for all of us um yes so hooch you

can cause a distraction that seems like something you'd be quite good at okay um while flang dangle and simplon and barlow sneak in and liberate the sheriff and get me my i mean free this town um as for a distraction how good am I at having Miss Marple ride that little bicycle? Like how close am I to calling that a success story? Anytime you let it out of the cage it tries to kill you I'm getting there then It is only trying When it tries to bite

It's bite is only around my person. Now I can stay inside its cage and it don't break out no more. For me, I call that, I would put that under the category of win. It used to try and attack everybody, but now it attacks me, so that's pretty good for this. I've got to turn that anger and the hatred into love, and then I'm good. Sweet, all right. I'll cause a distraction with the dire kangaroos then. When do you want it? Is it night time yet?

Sun's going down. Sunset. Okay, so we can probably move out the moment it's dark. Yes, boss. We can do that. Can we give a bit of a recon, a scout, if you will, of the sheriff's place to see what's going on there, to see if there's like how many entrances, how many people,

what's the go exact. Do whatever you need to do. Avoid harming my expensive beasts. You wander over to the sheriff's office, and there's, like I said, there's a lot of those weird, like, religious elves with bear chests and paint all over their bodies they're wandering around all of them armed a bunch of them are on roofs so it's difficult to move about unseen would you like to scout unseen or do you not mind if you're seen uh maybe it's

like not mind if i'm seen everybody's like up to him like hey howdy boys how's everything going here very sorry for ruining your sacrifice. Hands up, just like I'm very sorry. A couple of them are vaguely pointing, from the roofs, are vaguely pointing weapons at you. You done ruined our goddamn sacrifice. We were going to get out of here. Very sorry. Appease the gods.

We're very new, you know Into this town So what's been happening here When did this big giant colossal worm Come here About four months back How many sacrifices have you Performed so far Depends on sacrifice

So why do you think that this particular Sacrifice that you were trying to do Yesterday or today There's a new one Pastor said it was Has he said that before, Curiosity? Yeah And did it work then?

Yeah So it did work You got out of the town No, he's the God The thing went away when we made the sacrifice How long did it go away for then? Depends on sacrifice and how fervently we believe in it. Right.

It's because all these non-believers, he says, pointing at a bunch of nearby elves who are not bare-chested and painted. Yeah, crazy non-believers, that's what they say. You non-believer! I'm a believer. You ruined the sacrifice, heretic! We did not know that there was a sacrifice

happening. We could not ruin something we didn't know about. You should have known. We're deeply sorry. How could we have known if we had no idea? You should have known. We didn't even know there was a giant worm. Outsiders are not welcome here. You're not welcome here.

You best get back to your goddamn circus. I'm imagining this elephant just overalls. Yeah. That's real good. This whole town feels like if we'd come in under less like Feels like there should be You know that classic in a hillbilly town There's that little kid who's wearing just overalls and no shoes

And has a blonde hair With shaved around the back Comes in being like, you from the back? That sort of feels like We should have encountered Can I be also scouting around While I'm talking to this guy? I want to give the conversation.

Here's a handy pre-drawn map that I totally just didn't prepare. Oh, man, that's the best. All right. What a little town. No, that's just the area. Oh, okay. The immediate area.

All right, so the jail, which you've spelt with a G and an A and O and an L. Yeah, that's a classic jail. Something I've never really spelt. I don't know why I always spell jail J A and O and an L. Yeah, it's a classic jail. I don't know why I always spell jail J-A-I-L. That's how you meant to spell it. G-A-O-L is just an old-timey spelling. Before English was standardized.

And then there's a hotel next to it, and there's some buildings around. So, yep, cool. So where are the people generally? Here, give me the thing again, and I'll mark people. Specifically? Here, I'll give me the thing again and I'll mark people Specifically So you should be like, yeah, yeah, we are real sorry about definite sacrifices Yep, that's correct

Your preacher sounds like a very intelligent man, yep That's real good You've all got knives, yep, okay, yeah, yeah I hope we meet an elf in a barrel, like you know, your classic hillbilly wearing nothing but a barrel That'd be awesome

Buy your cards right and you might just And how does one join your religion Yep 3 2 1 Alright I suppose I'll join 6 7 8 9 10 Just a blood A pint of my blood that's fine Wait a second

Hang on Blood red robes in the middle of a sacrificial chamber. Jeez. Damn it. Got distracted doing bloody ocular pat-downs. So, X's are shooters on buildings.

Circles are elves on the ground with spears. Right, right. So there's nothing behind the jail, and there's only one entrance into the jail? I suppose there's one guy out in the street as well talking to you. Okay, and there's... Actually, three.

Sorry? There's three guys just talking to me in the street. Yep. Alrighty. Cool. Well, thank you very much. How does one go about joining your amazing religion? You don't join.

That seems like a very counterintuitive way to get members, but okay. It's not a way to get members. You ain't welcome. Well, that seems very unkind of you, sir. Well then, it's been a pleasure to talk to you, and I leave. I turn tail. That's right, you run!

I slow my pace. Yeah, keep walking! Right. I slow my pace Yeah keep walking Right Can I Can I skip around to kind of also maybe Unseen Check out the back of like from the hotel

On the back of the jail What equipment do I have That can help me with this A pound of soap You can try to stealth it. What equipment do I have that can help me with this? A pound of soap. Yeah. Tell them they need a scrub. One of the elves on the back of the hotel next to the jail yells out at you in some scrub brush,

I see you out there. They're nice, then I just get up and it's like walking behind the jail. Yeah, they just watch you. And do up and walking behind the jail Yeah, they just watch you Do they notice anyone? There's some more buildings, but none as close as what I've drawn on the map Alright, so there's no one really guarding behind the jail then On your map there's no one behind No, there's no one behind the jail

Alright, sick. I go back to the circus Map in hand Eloquently drawn map in hand Flandangle gets back. Cool. This is basically what's going on. There's a few people like sharpshooters. I hardly hide my sketch of a new enclosure,

like a large new enclosure I've been slowly designing. Yes. No, fill me in. Right. So, well, there's a bunch of sharpshooters and there's about like eight people on one side and there's about 12 people on the ground. One, two, three, four, five, six.

About six to eight people on top of the roofs there. But we could probably, if we come around, not from the hotel way, but from the other way, try and go behind the jail and kind of get in through there. Was there a door in the jail? A door in the jail? As in from the behind to get in? Or was there only one entrance? Oh, there's like windows. There's some windows in the jail? A door in the jail? As in from the behind to get in? Or was there only one entrance?

Oh, there's like windows. There's some windows in the jail we could maybe try and get into. There's two people on the roof we could try and get rid of, but I think the best bet for them... Upper E sticks his head into your tent and says, Boss, that girl is here to see you again. Oh, God. I here to see you again. Oh, good. I walk out to face her.

She's standing there looking like she's in a bit of a huff, and she says, I did ask you to do this to not kill anyone. You kind of charged them with triceratops. Nobody got hurt, except for me.

If anything, I should be upping my price For the bullet that I took While enacting your orders I was about to say sorry but No I don't think I will now No no I'm excited Apology accepted However

Anyway I assume you're not planning on talking your way in Well how are we going to talk our way in You're a town of religious nuts. They're religious nuts. I don't know. I thought maybe you could do something. We're in the midst of working out a plan.

If I could, if you're going to fight your way in, I'll pay you 25 gold pieces for every corpse you bring me. Oh. That's the very opposite of don't kill anyone. Well, if you're going to kill someone, might as well make some use out of it. So you want the religious nuts dead.

I don't want them dead. I don't want anyone dead, but I can use their bodies. For what? Why are you suddenly so attractive to me? Well, it's not important what I'm going to do with them. Do you really care? Yes.

A whole bunch. More than you'll ever believe. I've got a thing I'm making. And it needs bodies. What thing? Ominous. And a plan to get out of here. Wow. The sheriff was going to be a calming force. What thing? Ominous And a plan to get out of here Well

The sheriff was going to be a calming force But I've also been Well, I just needed extra time The priest wouldn't let me raid his graveyard So, well, if there's going to be fresh bodies Perhaps I can get to them before he does So this thing you're creating Is going to get you out of here

And possibly manage a gigantic worm, which I can't imagine why somebody would want to do, but anyway, if somebody was considering that, would there be money in this thing? I don't think so. Well, unless you want to sell it. It's a creature of war. I found the blueprints to it in an ancient tomb.

Interesting. It's a creature of war. I found the blueprints to it in an ancient tomb. When she says that, although you are quite preoccupied with this, but when she says that, you see her eyes like dart around like she has a guilty look crossing her face. Okay. So 25 gold pieces for each additional body. I am going to sweeten this deal for both of us. I want to be your business partner in whatever it is you're creating. You use it to get out of the town. I will help you with whatever you need, and then I want it afterwards to sell it. Creature of war.

A lot of money in that. If you're selling it afterwards, then I'm not paying for the bodies. How much do you think it's worth? He's like, from circus owner to war profiteer. To arms dealer. I don't know. Well, just the creature itself is probably worth at least a couple thousand. A couple thousand.

Okay. But if you could sell someone the blueprints, perhaps more than that. Okay. I will take your one and a half thousand one and a quarter thousand for liberating the sheriff i will not take your 25 for the body but i will take the creature when you are done with it and i will the blueprints and the blueprints and i will cause you can have the creature but not the blueprints that's good enough that's still more thousands of dollars than i previously anticipated making in this one horse town so i will that, and in return I will create as much bloodshed as you desire

while liberating your sheriff. You don't need to justify yourself to me. It's fine. But I will make sure you have all the bodies you could possibly want. I spit in my hands and extend it. She looks very guilty now, but she reluctantly spits into her hand and extend it She looks very guilty now But she reluctantly spits into her hand And extends it to you

Deal with the devil I hold my hand just a second longer than is strictly necessary Who's the devil? I feel it's gay A deal between two devils Mate Like she's at least feeling guilty Okay So after holding her gaze

for just maybe a split second longer than I really strictly need to, I smooth down my toupee with the lingering spit from both of us in my hand. And then I sort of,

I sort of like touch the spit to my face a little bit. And then I walk back inside the tent. Okay, change of plans. We are going in all guns blazing

figuratively as it were. So we're not sneaking around. So this is the way we're going to do it. I am going to start up a free circus in the street that will draw all their eyes towards us. We will use the dire kangaroos. We will use the acrobats. And in the meantime, the three triceratops will be led around to the rear of the jail and they will smash it in. And as many people as you can kill in the process, please feel free.

Like just the fanatics or anybody? Now, the moment... I don't really care. I like to imagine you don't address that question. Let's just ignore that part. Now, the moment the back of the jail is in obviously three triceratops smashing into a small stone building is going to cause quite the ruckus in fact i dare say heads will turn so when those heads turn that way then we set upon them with

everything we have from behind right so again to clarify boss anybody or just the just the priests or the does it really concern you either way? This whole town is full of religious nuts. Do you trust any of them? Well, I guess it's got... Where do I aim is what I'm trying to ask. Don't aim. As long as you don't hurt the girl,

keep her alive long enough for her to give me the creature and then she can go to... Creature? No, I mean the money. Keep her alive long enough to give me the money and then I don't really care what happens to her after that Yes, alright then Right, so we're just performing bloodshed and mayhem here

Essentially, yes We gotta keep everybody entertained If you two still want your job tomorrow And the one thing you are actually qualified to do Which would be my circus simpletons Slash hired muscle Then you will do as I say I'm just trying to get, again, the particulars.

Attack everybody with the dark kangaroo when it comes the time. Yes, what's so difficult about that to cross? Nothing difficult. I'm just trying to clarify. Are we attacking all the townsfolk or just the people who want to cause a hound? Everybody get a hit.

The one benefit of owning the best part of having dark kangaroos is that you can't aim a dark kangaroo. Everybody get a hit. Look, if you can, aim most of your bloodshed techniques at the jail. If there is some collateral damage as this happens, well... Whoopsie daisies. You know, profiteering isn't pretty, is it? Even if you create for breakfast an omelette,

then to make that go the correct way, you've got to get some eggs and smash them. If you're feeling morally conflicted about it, look at it this way. Well, I never said that. I was asking for clarification. You saw that poor, poor elf sent out. And when we tried to extend him the hand of friendship and tried to accept that sacrifice and,

and to, to look after him and care for him in the way this town clearly didn't, he was so brainwashed. He just continued going despite all my best efforts to accommodate him. I mean, look at what these religious nuts have done to this town. Yeah. You know what I'm going to be?

We're doing a revolution here. We're doing them a favor. We are the heroes in this situation. History will look kindly upon us. I'm happy to be gaslit. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. You did so much for that elf.

I did indeed, didn't I? And it still keeps me up every night that I failed to save him. It hasn't been a night since you shut up. You're entirely irrelevant at this point. I haven't slept tonight, have I? I've been wracked by guilt every second of this one night that has unfolded since I failed to save that elf. And I considered him a friend.

You've been in town like four hours. Boss, you're a good man. So you're a very good man. It's been an honor to serve underneath you in your circus. So may I suggest maybe one of us, maybe myself or someone else, while we're performing the circus, maybe we take, like, if we're, say, on the west side performing the circus, we go on the east side and, like, climb the hotel

and be ready to strike them sharpshooters so we attack from both fronts. Strike the sharpshooters with what? Like my fists or my... They have guns. Yeah, but if I can creep up, we can kind of get them. I'm very quick. You know what? Okay.

All right, fine. You're an acrobat. I buy it. But that's the plan. Distract them from the street. Attack with the triceratops from behind. That serves as a secondary distraction. When that happens, take out the sharpshooters on the roof.

Take out the guards on the ground level. Wipe them out. Yes, boss. I go over to my diet kangaroos and get them ready. And as many bodies as possible so I can impress the... I mean, as many bodies as possible. They're eating elf tonight. You can feed a diet kangaroo pretty much anything.

That's the best part. I consider taking Miss Marple out, but it'll just attack me. I'll leave Miss Marple in there for now. Who's going to be in the circus distracting? Me, obviously. And me, I assume. I'll use my power of fascinate. Someone's going to have to guide the triceratops around the back

Okay That's going to have to be Who's the best I'll go Ready the triceratops then Say you grab the Do you want the two acrobats sneaking or do you want them like Performing

What do you want, strong man, the big man The creature with a thing is if too many of my people are not to be seen these religious nuts are going to get suspicious so i'm going to send flandangle to attack and i'm going to keep barlow and simple on to distract because they will be attacking the moment the triceratops destroy the jail anyway yes all right what about the strong man and the big man uppily and tallerly um again i'm going to need i'm going to need muscle when the triceratops attack i will keep them in the show after all everybody in the show with the exception of me is going to be attacking anyway when the fight goes down so ultimately it's all

muscle so i will keep them in the show as many people as I can have as possible for my show, and then they attack. You guys start setting up in the main street of town, just up from where the hotel and the sheriff's office slash old jail are. A lot of people seem kind of interested. None of them are religious fanatics. Just elves around town start gathering around and just watching you guys as you do it. You see, for the first time ever since you got here, couple children no we should have kept that clown oh look easy come easy go uh one of the elves you spot takes his young daughter puts her on his shoulders so that she can see over the crowd at you guys as you set up she's got that same emaciated look as every other elf in this town. As Gabe, I feel

fucking awful right now. As Algernon, continue. As Algernon, we're going to get that body. Algernon sees every person as like a dollar sign, basically. Gold coin.

Fool is born every minute. Yeah, he's a PT Barnum. You killed David. Yeah. It was stuff for him. And now he's been at by the world. Sayonara, Davey boy.

This did not go where I was expecting this to go. This got very dark and like weirdly ingenuic, but like not in the way I... You can never predict something like this. Sometimes I give you guys a resource and I'm like, why didn't you use this resource? And then you're like, oh, we use this resource. And I'm like, I guess that's a resource.

Anyway, the circus begins uh you've got yep yeah you've got like a you crank up that that uh speaking of resources i give you and you don't use that no um doll you've got you crank him up from behind and he's got like a little music box in him that begins playing uh music as your big man, Tola-i, just sort of stands out for the crowds to look at him, and they do gawk at the freak. Gee, that's a big halfling. And Appa-i begins to take like a heavy weight,

gets some of the elves to test their strength against it. Takes four of them to lift it, and he lifts it with one arm. That's so good because he's so little. Strong little. Yeah. Then you've got, oh, well, the two acrobats. You wanted them in the show? Yeah, I want them in the show.

Yeah, they're just, like, leaping from trapeze to trapeze. Every time one of them lets go and is just hanging in midair, they're like, and then as soon as he grabs the next one, they're like, they start clapping. They start getting into it. That's good. I'd say even you start talking them up.

You're doing your little bard thing. Roll up, roll up. And so on. Yeah, you give a spiel like, watch the amazing flying halfling trapeze. You know, gawk at the halfling is big as a man. I am ring-leading as if my life depends on it. Look at this amazing acrobatic trio duo.

Duo. Just two of them. It's funny because I imagine they're like, Unitar says like the halfling trio or something. They've got like one and three on their backs. Two and three. Yeah, the crowd is enruptured. Enthralled.

Enruptured? What's enruptured? Enruptured, potentially. Enruptured sounds like... The crowd begins to erupt with the force of a volcano. But yeah, they're just spellbound as you guide everyone through their various acts and such. Meanwhile, unseen by even the guards who are also watching.

Got them. Everyone loves a circus. You lead three triceratops. Come on now. Come on now, Trudeau. Oh, boy. One of them starts wandering away. What have got your attention there, fella? He's wandering just to a pasture you think to graze, boy. One of them starts wandering away. Oh, wow. What have got your attention there, fella?

He's wandering just to a pasture you think to graze, maybe. No, no, no. You had your dinner. You two stay there. All right. You've got control of two of them, but the third one is just gone. Like, is actually a hassle to collect at this point. Like, I lost it?

You haven't lost it, but you're like, it's better to come back later. Can I tie it down where it is? You can turn around and tie it down, but you don't know how long the distraction's going to work. You're leading two triceratops round behind someone. There's only so long you can do that before they notice. It's just that I know if I don't bring all three back...

You're going to get whipped. There'll be hell to pay. I might even just get killed. I'll tie it down. I've only lost one Triceratops and I'm still coming back to balance. I'll tie it down. I'll risk it.

I'll risk it. Will this risk pay off in the end? Find out next time on The Day the Circus Came to Town, a D&D's for Nerds adventure. Thanks for listening. If you want to help support the show, why not become a member at SandsPantsPlus.com and get early access to our shows, a bunch of exclusive content,

and much, much more. That's SandsPantsPlus.com. Hey there, fellow adventurer. If you're picking up what we're putting down and want more D&D content, we have just what you need to scratch that itch. D&D is for Nerds Plus, the symbol, not the word, where you can listen to select campaigns that were once only available to Sandspans Plus members,

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