D&D is For Nerds - The Day the Circus Came to Town #5 The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Episode Date: June 13, 2017

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Now, enjoy the show. Welcome to episode 5 of The Day the Circus Came to Town, a D&D is for Nerds adventure. Five of The Day the Circus Came to Town, a D&D is for Nerds adventure. Previously I'm going to give the signal which is a code word I'm going to yell very loudly and hope it reverberates over the jail. The two triceratops

break through the sheriff's office the building is now just freestanding rubble. Ladies and gentlemen, let me let you in, invite you in on this particular trick. I'm not his baby. What have I done?

Barlow opens the cage to the dire kangaroos and the ankek. Oh, no. That ankek is such a hassle to get back in this cage. You can't ride a bicycle. You knock the bullet aside.

Man, I'm amazing. Monks are cool. That elf is slowly just backing up like Man, I'm amazing. Monks are cool. That elf is slowly just backing up like, Bang! Bang! Bang! Deflect, deflect, deflect. You can see straight through the saloon to the other side

where the dire kangaroo is broken out the back and is just hopping into the night. One of the triceratops is tied in a field. The other two are just doing circles around the top. You must be the sheriff. Sheriff Alfwood. Can I guess his first name? Go for it.

Is it Clint? Come here. Come on here, baby girls. Come on now. Come on. We've got some primo grass for you lovelies. Could I pull out my flask of acid, fling it at the yank egg's face, and then make the noise of, like, a dominant male?

Much of the fighting has calmed down, but now you must recapture your animals. What do you guys want to do? You keep trying to get the triceratops? Yep. Call out to Hooch. You can get one of them. Where is the woman?

She's nowhere to be seen. She has, like, you saw her come and go from a little, like, house at the edge of town. You presume that's her. I'm going to that house. I want my money. Job done. Sheriff Clint Elfwood reaches the church. You just hear shots.

All right. That's fine. I'm going for the house. That feels like another story happening over there that we don't want a part of. That feels like primary plot where B plot. With a B plot in our own adventure. And that's pretty funny.

I've got very bad news. Oh, no. So the two of you try to wrangle the triceratops. You've got two of them, the one that was tied to the field and the one that you managed to get, flipped angle. But the third triceratops, as you're trying to wrangle it up, it freaks out, runs outside the boundaries of temperance. Oh, no.

And then the worm gets it. Two! You had one job, Hooch! They're getting so whipped. Their triceratops bites it and only gets half in its mouth, which is the worst part. It lifts the triceratops up. The triceratops is like,

making awful pained noises. The worm throws it into the air and then catches it in its mouth. Oh, boss ain't going to like that one. I'm going to be a pup. You're both showered in its mouth. Oh, boss ain't gonna like that one. I'm gonna be a pup. You're both showered in gore. Oh, boss not gonna like this. Now we gotta clean these clothes.

So I see this. Yeah, it's hard to miss. But I'm like, nah, determined. Money and potential war profiteering at the end of the town. I'm gunning for that house. All right.

There's a little sign that's hard to see, but when you get to the house, you notice the little sign out the front. Lila's Magic and Curios. Okay. I enter. The house is like one room, and it's a mixture between a store and a bedroom kitchen. It's basically an all-in-one. Yep.

You see, presumably, Lila sitting on her bed with a very like sad expression on her face in one of the corners there's like a a table with a sheet thrown over it well is it done i've done your job for you i've given you ample bodies now it's time for you to uphold your end of the bargain very well then, then. She reaches below the register to her little shop and brings up a wooden case, opens it up, spins it around, and inside it is the, you know, in dollar bills, $1,250. Good. Wait, dollar bills? Paper money?

Have we progressed to paper money now? Yep. She hands you paper money. You know what these are. These are like a while back elves switched from gold to paper that represented gold. Yeah, and these are just those, basically. But there was more to the deal. What you're doing with the bodies.

I need the bodies. You've got bodies. You'll need to bring them to me she shows you her emaciated body upper e you go back and call for uh upper e upper e comes, boss. They're like cleaning up after. Bring the bodies to yonder house. He looks at the carnage. Yes. Polar E is dragging bodies out of the saloon. Take them all to that house.

This is not our first rodeo, I feel. They like hitch a wagon to two velociraptors and just start chucking bits in the hoggling brother of hoggling families the horse as well sir sorry the horse as well sir yes why not no elf stands in your way you can still hear the distant sounds of gunshots from the church. Oh, boy. Shit. What have we done? Standing in the street, you see... What's his name? Exelona.

Oh, hey, buddy. Exelona has come out, sits down on a bench, and just watches. Fucking young Craig. What's giving us the business? You know what I mean? He's constantly looking at us. What's giving us the business? You know what I mean? Constantly he's looking at us

What's he want? I just feel judgment from him You don't see judgment in his eyes or anything like that Anything you feel is just You're reflecting Yeah, pretty much You're projecting it onto him That's why he makes people uncomfortable

I feel like at this point I'm a little bit on edge about everything I'm a little bit pissed off Like everything. I'm a little bit pissed off. Like, I probably feel maybe actually slightly guilty. Oh, now it happens. Well, I mean, I don't know if I've ever... I'm sure we've had instances of

mild cruelty before. I'd be surprised otherwise. At the same time, never on this scale. And I think I'm looking at him. We've had to bury a few bodies before. Like someone comes to town, bloody, you know, tallery, gets a little bit, you know, doesn't know his own strength, maybe breaks his child. You'll be like, I've got to cover that up. We did originally, I guess, have a fortune teller and something went amiss there.

So I'm looking at young Craig, and I'm seeing judgment, and I think I march right over, and I confront him. What do you want? What are you looking at? His face contorts. There's shifting, warping process of him taking on another form. His face takes on your form, and you see there's like a couple flecks of blood on the right cheek. He gestures to the right cheek.

I just stare at him. flecks of blood on the right cheek, he gestures to the right cheek. Oh! I just stare at him. Fucking young Craig. And then I just slowly reach up and I wipe away that little bit of blood from my cheek and I just look at it. And I just can't look away. I'm just staring at that blood. Exelona's face returns to that

grey slate that it always is. I hate him. Judgmental piece of shit. Who does he think he is? Fuck off, young Craig. What's the state of my circus? Has it been rallied back together yet? Yeah, like, everyone's packing everything up.

Upper E and taller E are collecting bodies to take to Lila. That was a real good show. Yeah. We'll bring the triceratops back. That was a show to die for. Collect all the animals.

That was a show to massacre. You put every creature back in its cage. Probably go to the boss With the rest of the circus Or are you just still in the middle of the street Just staring at your hand I'm staring at my hand

Boss We are in the proceeds of collecting the triceratops We particularly lost Fortunately one broke free And went through the barrier. Got hit by the big worm. And then big worm things. And we're still surrounded by the worm. Yes.

My efforts, my attempts to make the worm a part of the tame in the circus. We tried the honey, we tried the vinegar. The worm's not going to move. Just yet, like maybe. And in order for it to move... Just tried the vinegar. The worm's not going to move. Just yet. Like, maybe. We don't know. And in order for it to move... Just in the distance. In order for it to move, it's going to require a sacrifice.

Well, fuck yes. Get with the fanatics. Did not think that was going to happen Well I suppose I was saying at the beginning That perhaps some places need a sacrifice Yeah like perhaps this one works

I mean I believe I think I believe within this particular society We live in That we believe That maybe barbaric practices Ain't for the right of mind

So we got to Gods are real Like she is real So I believe Do not forget Mr gods are real, like chi is real, so I believe, yes. Do not forget, Mr. Algernon, that god is real. And not just one god, but several of the gods. So maybe you please one of these gods, then yes,

maybe they weren't a sacrifice. So maybe we do have to make this what you would call a sacrifice. I look around at my very loyal circus. Look at who? His eyes are in the wrong loyal. I look at these eyes staring in the wrong direction. I look at Flandangle. Covered in blood.

All those people, these simpletons who do anything for me. I look at the rest of my circus. I look at my prized velociraptors. I look around at all the blood, and then I turn and walk towards the worm. Whoa! Oh, boss! and I turn and walk towards the worm. Whoa! Oh! Boss!

You get to the fence that marks the boundary of temperance. Upper E comes up behind you. Boss? What are you doing out here? Boss, you were out there, boss. All the people of the circus are behind you. I turn to Upper E Boss, what are you doing out here? Boss, you were out there, boss.

All the people of the circus are behind you. I turn to Upper E and I say, the creature needs a sacrifice. And then I push him outside. Yes. Yes. Yes. Oh, boy. Maybe you position yourself so that Upper E, it's you, Upper E, the fence.

You grab Upper E by the shirt and you shove him as solidly as you can. But Upper E is like muscle and rock and immovable. You give him a good shove, but he does not move. Up at you, looks down, looks up at you and says, I think it's time for a new ringling. He grabs you. Oh, no.

I forgot what spells I gave you. You might want to review your spells, see if there's something good there. Fuck. This is going there's something good there. Fuck. This is going to be a good fight. Ventriloquism. That won't help you. Are there any other highlighted ones that are useful? Flare, ghost sounds, mage hands, press the digit.

Press the digit. That's just minor tricks. Summon instruments. Cure light wounds. Yeah, you're in trouble. Oh, shit. Your gambit did not pay off. Hey, ventriloquism.

You can, like, maybe pretend you're his brother calling for him from over somewhere. It's a... It's a something Can I try that? Alright so it's going to be one round Of just them interacting Because everyone else was shocked by that

Then everyone else gets to act So Ape Turns around with you And just tries to put you outside. His monumental strength is nothing, is everything compared to you, I should say. Spins you around like you're a fucking ragdoll. You're outside. You can see the more it's sliding around trying to get to you.

It's your turn. Have I got any weapons? You don't have a weapon. You're a ringleader. You might have equipment, though. Maybe something in your equipment. You got your equipment. If anything in there looks helpful.

What do you got? Let's go through them. What do you got? Backpack, fishing tackle, tiny cage. That didn't work for you. Medium cage, spyglass, bedroll, black bodysuit, colton pants, broad brim, straw hat, cold weather outfit, butterfly net,

potion of cure light wounds. Oh, that's helpful. Hammer, hammer, half cape, sackcloth pants, fez, fez, hand keg, stilts, spider poles, sackcloth pants, fez. Fez. Handkeg, stilts, spider poles, ten-foot pole. Can I use my ten-foot pole to fend off the monster? You point the ten-foot pole at the encroaching creature. All right.

Now everyone. Okie doke. Right. Got to save ringleader. Got to save boss. Got to maybe stop Fran from just causing killing of boss. Maybe everybody needs to take five minutes. Just everybody calm down. I think that's the way it needs to happen.

Everybody just chill. Everyone's intentions is high. Yeah, things were said, things were done, and I believe everybody needs to calm down. I like that, like, I don't really have a weapon. I have a whip. That's it. So, like.

Oh, my God. None of you really have armor or weapons? That's good. It's fucking great. Flandangle, you're first. So, I got my bo staff, yeah. Can I reach boss? Yeah, you can just grab him

through the thing. Oh, I was going to use my bo staff and like grab him and just push him in. Yeah, sure. You could try that. It's less effective though than just grabbing him.

Oh, all right then. Maybe I'll just like... You can do it. It's just less effective. I'm just trying to think what kind of stop uppery? You can deal non-lethal damage less effective I'm just trying to think What can I stop Upper E? You can deal non-lethal damage

So if you can deal enough damage to knock him out He'll obviously let go I'm just going to grab boss man and bring him in And be like to upper E Everybody settle down You grab him And you try to drag him in Upper E is strong.

He's the strong man. He's the strong man for a reason. It's Upper E's turn. Upper E just holds you out, looks you dead in the eyes and says, Goodbye, boss. Algernon, it's your turn. Bite him.

Something. You get a hammer in there. Get him with the hammer. I hit Upper E with my hammer. You could get him with the hammer i hit uppity with my hammer could smack him on the noggin fuck you hit uh uppity with your hammer he reels backwards like he's been you know hitting the head it fucking hurt there's blood coming all down his face Hooch He's still holding him So Couple of questions

Yeah How close am I Dairus to me? Far Okay No animals are with me? No Damn

Who is with me? The circus The circus just followed Um Algernon out Hey so the halfling That's as big as a man Is he like as strong as a man?

Or just like No Okay He's just part of the freak show Tall like you Also he's the brother Yeah that's as big as a man is he like as strong as a man or just like okay he's just part of the freak show tall so he's the brother yeah he's up at his brother who else do we have fuck you've got the two acrobats yeah barlow and simple on and well actually exolona is not here exolona is probably back it is well my initial plan was to grappling hook into the back of uh the strong man and tie it to a roo. But I guess that's not happening.

So I'll just run in and start whipping. How do you like feel when you get whipped in the back? Wait, whipping who? Yeah, because the boss was the one that ordered the whipping. Like, I thought you meant upper E. But when you say harder, you like getting whipped. No, no, no. My simpleton brain blames upper E.

I never associate. I can never think far enough back to trace it to the boss. So we just like, just completely loyal. Yeah, I am. You can do what you like. I'm just surprised that you guys are still trying to defend me. I'm a fucking monster. I am similarly surprised.

Your whip wraps around Upper E's throat, which is like bulging out. He's still holding you up, but now his face goes like a bit red and then purple. He lets go of you and topples backwards. It comes through. So, reflex save to dodge out of the way. Now, you have a... So, this one save determines if you live or die. Oh, boy.

You have eight for reflex. Oh, boy. You need to get, at the very least, seven. So, if you don't get at least a seven, you're dead. Do you want to roll it? I'll roll it. I'll roll my own fate get at least a seven, you're dead. Do you want to roll it? I'll roll it. I'll roll my own fate. At least a seven.

Okay. Here we go. You got this, boss, man. Or don't, like. Eighteen. Easily and deftly. You roll back into temperance as the worm blasts past. When it misses you, it immediately rears backwards and roars.

It falls back down and lies still. Boss me, maybe you need to take a fiver. RPE lies unconscious. Roll him. Yeah, all right. Roll him out. Tola E steps up. You can't do that.

Wow, Tola E talks more than I grunt, and his voice is so much higher pitched than his grunt. Boss me, why are we sacrificing Upper E? Maybe he'd been very good to us. Upper E's my brother. You can't kill him. At this point, I'm losing it. I don't even know what's going on.

Just spittle flying red face. The creature needs a sacrifice. Roll him out. Boss said that the creature needs a sacrifice. Non-lethal attack the bossman. All right, we're going to go to initiative. Oh, you need to calm down, sir. Roll him out.

I'm down rolling. But I'm very little and he's very big. I just chose from like the second fight. I'm like absolute loyalty hello my name is Hooch and I don't know any better lawful evil? I'll call that lawful evil

I'm lawful to the circus he treats us good yeah I'll believe that you look after us easier to believe that than the alternative I just think he needs a five minute breather I think he needs to calm down

I'm going to try and roll Fingo out into the worm's mouth Do I get to attack a surprise attack? No, everyone moves at the same time Because no one was surprised This was not surprising in the least Fair Hooch, you grab B E, you roll him out.

Upper E is dead. The creature rears backwards and launches itself onto Upper E's corpse. Body. Then corpse. Algernon. Watch it. You can tell that Flipdangle is not pleased And is maybe about to punch you I just tell everybody to get back to the circus

We're leaving How's all those? Jack? Lows Lows? Tola-y Yeah Screaming in agony

Pulls a clockwork pistol He points it at you, Hooch screaming in agony, pulls a clockwork pistol. Oh. He points it at you, Hooch. Come on now, let not be... He shoots you in the head. Particulous. Christmas time. You take three points of damage.

Tiffany aching grass back to the city house. Hooch's head rocks backwards, and when it comes forwards, he's kind of missing an eye. The good one or the bad one? The good one. Damn. Now both my eyes will just constantly be swimming around

the wrong direction The two acrobats are just like What the fuck Flip dangle Look this is tension that's been there for a while It's about time it all came to a head I don't know what to do now Stop killing our strong man

But now it's like I'm going to start yelling to throw Tollery out To the worm as well Fuck it you're start yelling to throw talley out to the worm as well fuck it you're all going to the worm feed them to the worm i was gonna try and smack um the ringleader across the face non-lead try and knock him out flurry of blows if i can yeah you can uh you Uh, you launch at, um, Algernon, swing your, uh, quarterstaff, but as you swing it, Algernon, you were well aware of this blow, uh, before it came. You take a step back and his quarterstaff skips off the fence near you. You put a hand grabbing the quarterstaff and ramming it up against one of the posts so it's kind of jammed into a corner of the fence.

Your entire attack is stopped dead then it is Hooch's turn um well now if I can Baskin and Robbins I'll whip thing I'll whip upper E is he? or taller E?

taller E whip taller E you Whip tall at E. You try to whip tall at E, but he dodges the blow. I'm, like, largely blind at this point. Algenon, it's your turn. The two acrobats are doing nothing. Can I demand that they throw tall at E out? They're like, all right, boss.

Why are they so loyal to me? They're scared of you. I would be too, I guess. You know what? Throw Tola E out. Throw him out as well. Came at me with a fucking quarter staff. Everyone's getting fed to the word.

They grab Tola E and shove him. Tola E, he's always been like a clumsy boy. Since he was hit by that magic spell that made him too big. He's a clumsy boy. Pufflings are not made to be that big. And he just like,

he's wrong in so many ways. He's hunched. He like stumbles a lot normally. He doesn't know how to walk. He doesn't know how to walk. He doesn't know how to use this big body he's got. When he's shoved, he falls over the fence onto the other side. The worm rolls. Give him a squish.

When it rolls away, there's just blood. Getting him. There's not enough. there's just blood. Getting them. There's not enough. There's just not enough for anything. Why am I still alive? Flipped angle. The two acrobats look at you. They're like with sadness in their eyes.

Well, no way. I'm not your brother here. It's your turn. I'm your brother here. You're not blood relatives with these people. I thought I was. No, you're Algernon's wife's cousin's children. Right.

I just think everybody needs to calm down and take a breather. I'm just ready my action. Everyone needs to calm down and take a breather. I'm just readying my action. Everyone needs to calm down. Everyone just, everybody calm. Everybody calm. Hooch, you're just a simpleton. It's okay. What have been my instructions recently?

Throw him out. Right on. Okay. I'll whip him. You whip him? Yeah Attack him Hooch's whip cracks over your head You duck low underneath it

Algernon, it's your turn Any new orders Or would you like to do anything yourself? No I'm just gonna keep yelling Throw him out Throw him out Throw him out

Can I just like Yeah, attack him Yeah sure Yeah whatever Whatever In for a penny In for a bound Fuck this guy

Algernon The quarter staff Comes out of your grasp And then Bang Bang Twice in your face Quick succession

Goodness Not the money maker You take 11 points of damage. Gosh. Algernon, you're down. Am I dead? On the second, fuck, everything goes black.

Algernon is on negative one hit point. That's not death. Death is negative 10. So every round, you will lose a hit point until someone comes to your aid. Was non-lethal I did, or? Oh, did you want it to be non-lethal? I did. All right.

Oh, then you're... Yeah. Well, you're on 10 hit points. D&D is complicated. You're unconscious, not bleeding out, which is what you would have been before. Sometimes you kill a town and your brain snaps. Algernon goes down.

Knocked unconscious. Everybody needs to calm down here. Look, everybody needs to take a moment. That's what I want to say. I want to go with Haas. Haas? Alright, the two acrobats calm down, they back off.

Everybody needs to just chill. Hooch. You need to... Hooch. I know we share some kind of relation here. Hooch, you need to remember. What if I come back? He wake up.

What if the boss man, he come back to being awake in the world and get mad at me and I get in trouble? That's right. You won't get in trouble. We'll be the ones in trouble, not you. I'll make sure of that. But when I had the opportunity to whip y'all, I did not attack to smack you. But you did whip. You did whip. You not put a tech. But you did whip. You did whip.

You did good. Hooch, you did good. You're a very good boy, Hooch. You're a very good boy. I think I just sit down. There's too many conflicting things in my head. The two acrobats are just like, we're out. They turn around and leave.

I'm going to tie up our ringleader and hoist him back into the circus where do you take him? to our tent our little bunk room our usual, whatever our circus tent

you have bunk rooms you go back to the bunk rooms when you open the flat you see not the two acrobats but Exelona sitting in one of your hammocks. Hey, young Craig. How's things? He doesn't say anything.

We are accidentally on purpose put place to... You wake up about now. Algernon has had what we call some kind of mental break, shall we say. I just say nothing. So we're just going to let him in this here bunk for a bit.

Maybe in the morning he'll have calmed down. And then we reassess everything. The gunshots stop. Oh, yeah. I stay with the boss, man. We all stay. I stay with the boss, man. All right.

I stay with the boss man. I stay with the boss man. All right. So with a tense silence, you spend your first night here in the town of Tantorix. It's been like eight hours. This has taken place over the course of eight hours Spoon feeding boss man Is alright sir

I forgive you for trying to kill me Fuck Jesus H Christ What curious adventures will day two bring? Find out next time on The Day the Circus Came to Town, a D&Dist for Nerds adventure.

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