D&D is For Nerds - The Day the Circus Came to Town #6 Unforgiven

Episode Date: June 17, 2017

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Previously. Sheriff Clint Elfwood reaches the church. You just hear shots. I've done your job for you. I've given you ample bodies. Now it's time for you to uphold your end of the bargain. Very well then. Ex-aloner has come out,

sits down on a bench and just watches. His face takes on your form and you see there's like a couple flecks of blood on the right cheek. He gestures to the right cheek. Do not forget that God is real. And not just one God but

several of the Gods. The creature needs a sacrifice and I push him outside. So this one save determines if you live or die. Oh boy! You have eight for reflex. Oh boy! You need to get at the very least seven. When it misses you, it immediately rears backwards and

roars. Roar! Hello, my name is Hooch and I don't know any better. Lawful evil? I'll call that lawful evil. You can tell that Flipdangle is not pleased and is don't know any better. Lawful evil? I'll call that lawful evil. You can tell that Flip Dangle is not pleased and is maybe about to punch you. You're a very good boy, Hooch.

You're a very good boy. I think I just sit down. The three of you, plus somewhere else in the circus, the two acrobats, all pass your first night in the town of Temperance with possibly a stony silence. Yep.

Well, it feels appropriate, all things considered. The next morning, you, Algernon. Yes. You, Algernon, wake up bound to a chair. Oh, good. So, the last thing you remember is being knocked out at the edge of town. Are we with him? Yeah.

Yeah. I assume you were, like, babysitting him. I was trying to spoon feed him last night. And he's like, unconscious haze. Come on now, you need some food. So, having awoken and feeling, I suppose I could have behaved a little bit better yesterday, feeling a little bit standoffish. So let's say we all untie these bonds and continue the circus as we were before.

Smack hooch on the fingers. Nope, we're not untying the boss man. We need to have a family meeting to discuss what happened last night. No, look, sunlight streams in through the window. All of you hear a loud, distant rumbling. Right, that's not for us. Pooch, can you go get Barlow and Simplon? Simplon. Can you go get Barlow and Simplon? We need? Simplon? Simplon.

You go get Barlow and Simplon, we need to have a bit of a family meeting here. Look, I've slept on it, and I dare say, look, when all is said and done, I possibly got a wee bit carried away yesterday with everything. But all is well that ends well. You know, all friends again.

So if you just want to untie me and we can go back to happy days for all. Boss man, you raised harm against the family. I'm going to get the brush again. No, no, no. Come back here, Hooch. Yes, I'll come back to what is the necessary of my particulars in this building. If you'd like to knock Flandango unconscious, that would be greatly appreciated. Flandango, I'm here.

The family of my related cousin. Well, so am I. Hooch. You better go get my two acrobats, please. Who gave you employment? Who put a roofats, please. Who gave you employment? Who put a roof over your head? Who gave you food? Who has looked after you these many long years?

I'm going to crack boss man across the head with the bo staff. And then gag him. I'm sad. Algernon, you feel a sharp and painful blunt implement hit you in the back of the head. You're not knocked out, you're just dazed for a sec as Flangedangle

gags you. Can I hit Flangedangle? You sure can. And they're off. Going against the family family Not a directed punch More just like a Smacked in the mouth Hooch swings at you, Flang

But you just easily With the practice skill of a monk Duck underneath the blow Hooch Go get it Balo And Simpleton. I'm going to turn around and just leave the tent.

Go get them. We're having a family meeting. I'll meet you in the main tent. I'd like the head for the worm. You look around and you can't see the worm. I'll meet you in the main tent, okay? Yeah. Hooch, look at me go get him oh the only thing you can you're standing outside the on the triceratops back outside just in front of where

the uh big you know house tent is looking at the stairs going down from your vantage point, scanning the area, you see the town, which is, well, not completely deserted. It's actually filled with like bodies, not necessarily from the previous day. You just see bodies all over the place. There's a lot of just dead people, elves in town. You also see the sheriff from yesterday walking down the main street. One of his guns in hand. Someone runs from one building to another. And as they run, he quickly whips the gun around, fires once.

The person falls to the ground. He keeps going. You don't see the worm. That's all you see. Oh. From the tent, I scream, young Craig. Oh. I'll round up the rest of the performers.

All right. We move into the big tent. Or at least like a... Do we have like a main, like a mess hall kind of thing? Sorry? Do we have like a mess hall for us, like as in like a tent for us? You have the big top. But the Diplodocus is holding.

Yeah, we'll meet in there. I'll drag Algernon on the chair. Young Craig, I do not like the way this is going. Exelona, or Young Craig as you call him or her, is kind of actually in your tent right now. He has his own room up the back. So you can just go talk to him yourself. We're having a family meeting.

Exelona looks at you from beneath the turban and says nothing but gets up. The two acrobats are huddled in their tent trying to pretend to sleep. If you want, you're going to have to convince them somehow to come. What are the names? Simplon and... Simplon and Barlow. Simplon and Barlow. Simplon and Barlow. Barlow Aerofly,

technically, is his full name. That's great. There are particularly... We're having a meeting with a boss man. Flip Dan got him all tied up within his body in the ropes

and then wants me to get y'all into the same place they is. Do you try to convince him with your spook words first? Yes, I do. All right, your diplomacy check fails. They act as if they're still sleeping. All right, I'm going to head back to flip that. All right.

I send him back out. They are sleeping in them beds. Why didn't you better go drag them here? Okay, then. I'll go drag their beds. As soon as you, you know, start pulling at one of them, they both get up like,

all right, all right, all right, we're coming, we're coming. I thought you was in the sleepy town. Well, we woke up. Oh, okay then. The worm am gone. You mentioned that to the two acrobats. They look around and they're like, huh.

Then they look at the town and they're like, ah. Yes. They follow you towards the big top. Both of them keep glancing back towards the town. Every now and then you hear, pow. Still going. Still carrying on. 1,860-something residents we established on the way in.

Yeah, no, okay, fair enough. That looked fair. 1,872. I wrote that down for some weird reason. Strange. 1,872, except a bunch were dead. So did I. Why did we write this?

I don't know. I don't think. We're like, it must come in handy. And it has. At some point, this will be relevant And guess fucking what Not that many anymore We'll just cross that out shall we

You're all in the big tent Right well Simplom, Barlow, Hooch Well we're here to discuss What happened last night Now I know The boss man here Generally looks out for us

His methods may not seem right But they usually do us good I mean remember the times That we have gone to a town Remember that village that was besieged By werewolves When we went there Did we all think that we would end up

Performing to a bunch of werewolves while they supped on those villagers? I did not. But Boss Man made a deal, and that was the best thing for us. And he has always done this. Remember that benevolent vampire that he drove a stake through the heart while the town folks decreed not to? But we knew that Bossman had made a deal with a wealthy monster hunter.

So whenever the Bossman says to do something, he always looks after us. And yes, some of us have lost. We lost in the past. Yes, I was once a troop of six. Do we want to know what happened to... Esmeralda, the fortune teller?

Look, the less I know about that, the better for me. So while we have lost people in the past, and while we have had come to blows, we have never once hurt our own kin, except for last night. All of you here hurt your own own kin And what are we? We are the hoggling family circus Now Hooch Uh huh You simply rolled

Which one? Up or E? Out to the worm You simply rolled He ate him He got ate Did he not? Yeah He put it inside the worm In You simply wrote that he ate him. He got ate. Did he not? He put it inside the worm

in his belly hole now is what the case of the matter is. Yeah, not because of you. Bossman, he make the direct particular sentence in my head. But you were simply blinded by what Bossman was saying. Now you've lost your eye. And I can see that.

Now we have potions and lotions and salves and magic to bring that eye back, but you are not bringing that eye back. You hear me, Hooch? Why come and I cannot have both my eyeballs anymore? This is your punishment for simply blindly

following orders. Okay, Hooch? How come we got you to pay attention to the words that come out of your little mouth, not putting the boss man word in the head no longer? Because I'm not trying to kill the family. You are not letting me get my eyeball back in my head. Because you need to be punished. You need to learn, Hooch. I'm going to look at young Craig and the rest of the acrobats.

Not like with a, what are we going to do? Just like a blank stare. Exelona's visage changes to that of yours. And he looks back at you with your face. Now, Barlow. Simpleton. Exelona's face returns to normal. Simpleton? I keep saying Simpleton. Simpleton. Simpleton. Barlow, Simpleton. Ex-alernist. Simpleton? Simpleton?

I keep saying Simpleton. Simplon. Simplon. Barlow, Simplon. Now, you two, because of the fear, because I saw it in your eyes last night, the fear you had, you simply grabbed Tolari and you just flung him to the worm. And then I saw it. You were going to grab me.

You were going to grab me, your brother-in-arms in this. You yellow belly cowards. Barlow, Simplon, Hazelos. Hazelos. Barlow's crying.

Simplon says hi's. Simplon hi's. Barlow, Hazelos. Barlow lying simple on says highs simple on highs barlow highs or lows barlow just is not in any state to talk simple on for barlow highs or lows highs highs right now for being cowards put your hands on this here table if you flinch this is going to be worse for both of you. Now put your hands on this table. I'm a generous man. I'll let you choose, left or right. What are you going to do? I'm a megalomaniac.

Put your hand on your table then. Same thing. I'm witnessing what life is in cycles. And everything what happened in the past, repeating itself. Simplon looks at you, Hooch, and says,

go get some rope. Simplon gets up from the table. I think a little bit of madness has come over you as well. Oh, this is a madness. I'm not prepared to kill you here. You better put your hand on that table, or things will get a lot worse for you. I'll go rope can i try to spit out my gag uh like you at this point you've been trying for a little while but at this point you managed to spit it out and you could talk

okay all right everybody just calm down. Where was this last night when I was telling it? For you to calm down. I think there are laws that we need to be following here. And if you do not follow the law... Are they loose? Oh, no. No.

Simplon looks at you and whispers while they're talking. The velociraptors. I'll go and collect them and bring them to the tent. Barlow and Simplon, now I know that you've made some mistakes But I am willing to forgive you those mistakes And not remove limbs Because that's the kind of generous forgiving master I am I'm just simply saying that you people need to be punished

For going against the family Now I'm just saying Are you going to go with the man who is threatening gross punishment for a couple of little mistakes that, you know, yes, may be resulting in a bit of a loss of life. Barlow, he ordered me to be thrown into the worm last night. Barlow's not paying attention to anything right now.

He's sobbing heavily into his hat. Oh, simple on. Simple on. He ordered you to throw me into the worm last night. What if he had ordered Me to throw you What if he had ordered Us to throw

Barlow into the Worm What would have happened I'm simply asking What do you think Is a correct punishment We've all had some slip ups In the last 12 hours

We've all been a little bit silly We've all you know Made some errors Here and there So what do you think Is a correct punishment For the death Of Tolare and Opoe

We've all got limbs and it can stay that way If you just untie me You might think that I'm going mad right now But remember I did not harm a single one of you Well you're about to So I don't know what that's Because simple is that there are laws for this thing We are family

We do not go against family And if you go against family, there needs to be, well, consequences. Well, it's a bit funny because I sort of see, it seems a little bit to me like, you know, lopping off the limbs of family members. I'm not lopping off any limbs here. In some ways going off against.

Then what are you doing? Why are you asking them to extend their hands? What kind of barbarian are you? What kind of barbarian am I, sir? What do you want to do to them? Have I come back with the raptors yet? I cut out his tongue. Alright.

So, Hooch, you walk in, leading on the leads the velociraptors at one end. Right before this happens, right before you grab Algernon, Flandangle, you and Algernon both notice simplon trying to say stuff but you

can also smell the unmistakable sounds of uh unmistakable smells of pierce and you see that there's a really dark patch around simple she whips keeps trying to you grab algernon push him back back, and try to hold his mouth open at the same time that Hooch comes in with the velociraptors, and at the other side of the tent, both flaps are thrown open, and the tall sheriff walks into the tent. Chink, chink, chink, chink, chink, Chink. Chink. Chink. Sir.

Chink. Chink. Chink. Chink. He grabs a chair. Sits down at the table. Evening, Sheriff. No, morning, Sheriff.

How you going? Pretty good. Busy morning? Pretty busy. We're just having a bit of a family business. It's what they call a family cart. Yeah, Sheriff, you're in charge of the law around here, are you not? Now that you're this close to him, you see he's not drenched in blood,

but there are flecks of blood all over him. Man of my own heart. Sheriff, if a man was to go against his kin for no reason at all, what do you think the right punishment should be? The rule for a man who goes against his kin? That's right. He reaches into a side pocket and pulls out a little black book. The black book has a hole punched right through it, and you all recognize it as the black book that the preacher had yesterday. He puts it down on the table and starts flipping through it.

Just give me a moment. Yeah, no worries. Wait patiently. Looking at Aldon. I mean, I want to take your tongue, your lying, convincing tongue, but if the sheriff is like, hey, he got better. He's the law here. If he who that goes against his kin is found

and convicted guilty of this crime, then he should no longer be able to make his kin. Right. I like just like stop and be like, Sheriff, would you like to maybe be the judge here in these proceedings?

Well, I suppose I've been taking the last three jobs for the last day. You got any liquor first? Well, hey, Hooch. Yes? Go fetch some liquor for the last man. Okay. You got any, what would you call, would you say is your poison?

Just the first thing you grab. Okay, then. I got to the main tent. When you say making kin, what exactly do you mean by that? In what, what are you, are you going to, I don't want to put ideas in your head, but what are you removing or prohibiting? He takes his hat off and sets it on the table next to him. From me? Now?

You can take my tongue, that's fine. I don't want to make a deal here. He doesn't say anything. He just stares at you guys. I mean, like, realistically, if we're talking about my ability to make kin, I mean, part of that is my silver tongue being able to seduce those with which I would make kin. So, I mean, realistically, taking my tongue probably is going to do more harm in that regard. Is it not? The Sheriff turns... I mean, I'm just just saying if something has to go

like i don't nothing i'd prefer nothing was removed i prefer to remain intact like like i was saying before to barlow and simple on everybody can remain intact tonight you know nobody's lost anything yet and it can stay that way and besides sheriff since when did you start making the rules around here last i saw i am the one with the army of velociraptors. So I'm just saying, if you want to just all calm down and put away your little book of the law, because all it will take is one or however many command words it takes, and those velociraptors will rip you limb from limb. Sheriff, would you like me to gag him?

The sheriff turns from Simpleon, who he'd been considering while you were talking, back to you when you start to threaten him. And he says, You threatening me? May I remind you, boss man, that you're tied up in a chair. You know what the punishment for threatening a man of the law

is? I don't. No. It's a punishment for most things around here. Death. Dear God. I'm just going to default to the law here. I come back, drop down, I assume like a brown label-less bottle of something in a small glass.

The sheriff picks it up, takes a long swig from it, puts it down and says, you there, boy, talking to Simple on, you best go get changed, you pissed yourself. Hooch? Hooch? What's the... The velociraptors are in the tent with you guys. What's the command word to make those velociraptors attack?

Oh, you gotta make... You want the velociraptor to get all angry. Hooch? You don't say that word. Hooch? Do not listen. Hooch? The lawman is in charge. Excuse me, Mr. Lawman. Hooch? In a situation where you got two people, what is your boss? But one is your boss through blood, other through game for employment, also blood.

Which one you got to put in the particular first in your head? Which one do you love more? I remember. Like the animal most of all in the circus here. Hooch, hooch. I suggest you do whatever it takes to keep the animal safe. Hooch, there are three people here threatening. No, they the circus here. Hooch, Hooch. I suggest you do whatever it takes to keep the animals safe. Hooch, there are three people here threatening, no, they're not threatening,

but there are three people here giving orders, and two of them are threatening to remove parts from other people in the room. One of them is not. One of them is willing to forget all of this and let that be the end of it. That is me. Who are you going to listen to?

Oh. Sheriff leans back, kicks up both feet, puts them on the table, just keeps drinking. Oh. He's on the gun. He's been going around shooting people. He's been causing all sorts of bloodshed in this town. Who's responsible for the deaths in this town? I think if you were to look, it would be him.

Now, if you were to say the Los Raptors on anybody, I'm just saying. Well, now, well, now, Hooch, I just simply want people to get what's coming to them. And now the boss man here is threatening a man of the law. Hooch, in the last 24 hours, we have lost so much. We have lost so many of our own through no fault of our own. So at this point, are you really going to side with a man who is threatening more death? Through no fault of our own? Nobody needs to die except for the sheriff.

Power and agency over the situation. The eight velociraptors, terrifying beasts that you know they are, listen to basically your command only. If you ordered them to do something, they would do it. We've lost Rodino and you did not mourn. You ordered the deaths of Tala'i and Upa'i and they are gone. Would we go as far as to say that? You ordered the deaths of Tola'i and Opa'i, and they are gone. Would we go as far as to say that? You ordered the deaths of me. All I ordered was for them to be rolled outside of the town.

It's a bit of a punishment. Exelona again. Exelona's face returns to that of yours. Then of Algernon's. Then of Flangdangle's. Then of the sheriff. then of Flang Dangles, then of the Sheriff, and as the Sheriff, Exelon mouths the words,

protect your loved ones. Aww. I'd like to make the command to just, like, get the Velociraptors to turn tail. I'm just going to leave with them. All right. You head out of the tent with the Vel Of all the particular creatures And beings what have been Within a part of my being and life

The only one what never done Made me make a bad decision Was the ones what don't make English or talk When all this gross mess Is corrected I'll be outside with the beast See you later Hooch When all this gross mess is corrected I'll be outside with a beast See you later, Hooch

I'm going to leave with the velociraptors I'm going to gather up all the animals Fine dangle Fine dangle I know we've had our differences There's no worm inside Look, my difference is with you, boss My difference is with you, boss man

I've simply just been They are currently Oh, no, wait Yep, alright My difference is with you you boss man have simply just been they are currently oh no wait yep all right my differences with you uh boss man here is that well look i understand that sometimes when you see a big creature you go a little bit that creature crazy i mean there's been documents before of some a man a pirate he's one sort of griffiniffon and that was the start of his griffon lust and that was basically the start of his rule of terror. I understand this. This is something that happens in this

world that we live in. Unfortunately no one survived to confirm that story. This is something that just happens in this world that we live in. You see something, you get consumed by it. I understand that. I understand that. However, you went against the family and I feel that. I understand that. However, you went against the family. And I feel that there should be some punishment here. And are you going to punish yourself?

Because right now, what are you doing? Right now, I am trying. Right now, you are being hypocritical. Right now, I am simply trying. You are applying a standard to me that you are refusing to apply to yourself. Now, your argument here is that you are going against the family or punishing the family because they deserve to be punished which is another way of saying for the greater good which let's face it was that not what i did all i wanted was to protect the family by gaining ownership of an enormous worm could you imagine the fortune and the honor and the legacy that would be brought to the hoggling family had we in our possession that large worm.

We could have all lived on the side of that worm. We could have. Did I go a little bit... You went a little bit worm crazy. A little bit worm crazy. A little bit worm crazy. I agree. I admit that, but...

If I may. Of course, Sheriff. There's no use for you to give us spilt milk, is all I'm saying. I could offer a way to decide this. By all means. He reaches into his coat, pulls out two clockwork pistols, sets them down on the table. What about guns at noon?

Well, quite frankly, I did not want to have to shoot boss man. In fact, I didn't want anyone to die. That was my point. We don't kill family. So I appreciate the office, Sheriff. They're chopping off their hands and their tongues and their penises. So just saying. What do you think?

If I had ordered you to be thrown out to the worm and you had survived, what would you do to me, sir? Well, it wouldn't happen because it's not your place to give orders because I'm in charge. But if I had done... The Sheriff gets up and leaves. Or if your boss had ordered you... I'd like to start bridling all the animals.

I think I know what you're planning. Yeah, okay. Wait, can I just... Let's stop this argument for a second. Where is Hooch? He's doing something with the animals, I imagine. In that brief moment of quiet, I assume you two hear the distant sounds of rumbling that means that the animals

are moving. I'm making all the right noises. He's probably gathering the animals. Now just tell me here, I'm happy to call bygones and let bygones be bygones boss man, but you need to tell me what kind of punishment do you need to have? Because we have lost two good men. Three good

men if we include that. I'll go back into the tent and give it to all of the good men. Other members of the group like this. By what parameters do we consider a man to be good? Spin my finger like I'm going to wrap it up. Let's stop and unpack this for a moment here. Simple on slowly starts edging towards the outside of the tent. How about this, boss, man?

Look, there is a law, and the law is mine, as I am the leader, and I do what is right for all of you. Now, those men disobeyed me and actively got in my way. So when you say good man, I'm inclined to disagree with you. You just grabbed Upper E and threw him in. He'd be nothing but loyal. Now, you're moving the goalposts here, boss. Am I there? Look, I just think if we're going to talk about the loss of appendages,

we just need to take into consideration all points of view. Look, I don't want to cut anybody's anything off well I'd like to go back and I think you were fairly crazy recently give him a young Craig comes good good good wait where is everybody going you know what boss man how about you just you be king of this circus here and I just leave you tied up I'm a leave now. Wait, hang on. What? Is there anybody left in the tent? As Flandangle leaves? No, there is not. What's going on outside?

I assume you guys are leaving. Yeah, I'd like to think we're on the move. They're like towards the edge of town right now. I'm running. I don't think you could catch up to them. Is there any kind of horse or anything else going on? You glance around. There was the horse that the dire kangaroo tried to drown the other day back in town.

It's still tied to its post. It's a bit of a jog just to get to the horse, though. Right. I'm going to go jog and untie that horse. As you run, you pass the sheriff on the way to the city as well okay so highs or lows highs oh just in general for both of you oh lows lows oh you lucky little shit well if you're following them then are you just like leaving town yeah you guys just leave.

I catch up like, what's going on? Are they like catching up? He probably, unless you want to speed it up. Like you guys have a top speed, a higher top speed, but like you can allow him to catch up. No, probably not. You can't catch up. I was given agency over my decision. My decision was that- A horse just can't outrun given agency over my decision. My decision was that a horse just can't

outrun even the slowest of his creatures the Velociraptor. Ultimately Hooch just didn't need this. I was told to protect the one thing that mattered. You can like head after them but with no supplies in the desert. The worm was gone. I'll leave. It's up to you. I'm heading

off into the desert. With Simplon and Everyone came Those yellow-bellied traitors Fuck you man I was trying to protect the family You've Loved me in with this piece of shit Am I still in the tent?

Yeah Can I struggle to get free? After a while You can get free It's not like I'm not gonna even bother rolling for it Eventually you just worm your way free But

By that time They're gone You don't even know where they went It's not like I'm not going to even bother rolling for it. Eventually, you just worm your way free. But by that time, they're gone. You don't even know where they went. It's so long. I like that the only people in the town presumably are you and the sheriff. Maybe that female elf with the monstrosity. So I'm alone in the town where almost everybody is. Sorry? Lila. The elf. So I'm in a town where almost everybody is. Sorry? Lila.

The elf. So I'm in a town where almost everybody is dead. What we have is a crazy elf Frankenstein lady. We have a sheriff presumably sitting in the church surrounded by the bodies of his enemies drinking to his victory. A few hundred corpses and maybe some people too scared to leave their houses, and here's me in charge of this town. Just the big top. Just the big top and nothing else.

The town, if you want to say. I mean, it's not like anyone's really going to challenge you on it. So I can own the town? I mean, like, you own a lot of empty buildings. Well, let's just say now, what the fuck else am I going to do? Like, I guess Temperance is Algernon's now. Yay. What will Algernon do with his new town and its maybe two inhabitants?

Find out next time on The Day the Circus Came to Town, a D&Dist for Nerds adventure. Thanks for listening. If you want to help support the show, why not become a member at SandsPantsPlus.com and get early access to our shows, a bunch of exclusive content, and much, much more. member at SandsPantsPlus.com and get early access to our shows, a bunch of exclusive content, and much, much more. That's SandsPantsPlus.com.

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