D&D is For Nerds - The Day the Circus Came to Town #7 A Circus Called Hogling

Episode Date: June 20, 2017

In which our heroes go worm crazy. Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your tickets for our UK tour right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ And you can purchase our newest USB tape right here https://audiobooksontape.com/product-category/sanspants/ Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: redbubble.com/people/sanspantsradio or teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradio Want to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter: twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradio Or individually at;Adam: twitter.com/RetroArchetypeGabe: twitter.com/gobergmoserJackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadZammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sants Pants Radio. So that same city lawyer from the last time is driving down a country road and he passes a farm that, and he sees a pig in the farm that has three stump legs and one real leg. And the farmer's like, sorry, the city lawyer is like, well, what is going on here? He pulls up because now he's got an interest in pigs because fuck, pigs are interesting. And he walks up onto this farm and there's another farmer there, a rickety old farmer sitting on his porch. And the city lawyer says, so the pig you got out the front, it's got three peg legs. What's that all about? The farmer says, well, that's a hero pig, that is. So when my barn caught fire, that pig, Eugene, he went into the barn and he saved my daughter. But as he was dragging her out, a fiery log fell on his front paw and he lost it. We had to give him a peg leg. The lawyer's like, well, he's got three peg legs.

The farmer's like, hold on there, sonny. So then there was a flash flood that washed through here, and that pig saved my son. But as he was dragging him out of the flash flood, a stick swept along, catched his other foot, and nearly tore it off, so we had to give him a second peg leg.

And the lawyer says, And the third peg leg? Farmer says, well you don't need a pig like that all at once now, do you? Hey everyone, Inir presents Plumbing the Death Star UK Tour with Adam News. All of our shows have been announced and pretty much all of them have sold out, which is awesome.

But if you go to samsmithradio.com forward slash live you can see which ones haven't and you can grab your tickets now. As of recording, there's under 10 tickets left for Cardiff. Belfast is just under 50% sold and Birmingham has just opened up some more seating. In other news, our next USB tape is now available over at audiobooksontape.com. It's called A Song of Sand and Snow

and it contains everything we've done from Hus Firma Pride to the day the circus came to town and includes part three of our Merchant of Great Birth trilogy, as well as the D&D's For Dad series that we we did with my family all links are now in the show notes and we hope you have a great morning welcome to episode seven of the day the circus came to town a dnd is for nerds adventure previously i suppose i could have behaved a little bit better yesterday you look around and you can't see the worm. From your vantage point, scanning the area, you see the town, which is not completely deserted. It's actually filled with bodies.

Do you try to convince them with your spoke words first? Yes, I do. All right, your diplomacy check failed. So while we have lost people in the past, and while we have had come to blows, we have never once hurt our own kin. Ever from what happened in the past, repeating this day and self. Evening, Sheriff.

No, morning, Sheriff. How you going? Pretty good. Busy morning? Pretty busy. Sheriff, if a man was to go against his kin for no reason at all, what do you think the right punishment should be?

We've lost Rodino, and you did not mourn. You ordered the deaths of Tola'i and Upa'i and they are gone. Would we go as far as to say that? You ordered the deaths of me. If we're going to talk about the loss of appendages, we just need to take into consideration all points of view. While Hooch and the circus move at a steady pace away from temperance, Flan Dangle pursues as fast as his horse will take him.

What do you, like, Hooch, do you... You probably could spot in the distance the horse following you, and you know that you can go through the night and such. Well, if we see the horse follow, can I see who's on the horse? Probably not at this distance. Okay, well, I'll wait till he catches up a little bit, till I can see who's on the horse? Probably not at this distance. Okay, well, I'll wait till he catches up a little bit till I can see who's on the horse. How have I hurt you?

I never whipped you. You betrayal. I'm your king. Eventually you see a very... I'm your king. Eventually you see a very furious looking flandangle. Well, not furious, just like miffed. I wouldn't say furious, just more

just like shocked, like you betrayed me. I would like to turn to like Simple on and be like oh, we're being followed by our bad blood. Don't let him catch up, alright now? Simple on not. Bad blood. Can I just say at this point, from

my, you know, from the top of my ivory tower in the town, what have we all become? The world turned us. I was trying to protect the family. You're going to cut the family's hands off. I was not going to cut anyone's family. I was trying to ensure the longevity of the circus. I had to protect the animals.

I was simply going to break a finger. That was all, you sons of bitches. Everyone blurting out the very reasonable in their minds explanation for the things they did is good. I might have cut Algonon's tongue out because cunt, but I wasn't going to cut anyone's hands off. Well, you could have made that obvious. I'm a monk. I have a quarter star. Dramatic. Too much drama.

Too much drama Too much drama Well if you don't slow down The dinosaurs can go For quite some time I'm like So wait So there's no way I'm gonna catch up

Not even the Diplodocus Even the Diplodocus Because it's legs are so long It's got 10 feet extra base movement Than the horse Oh This is like

Can I say I do actually sort of like The tragic ending of Flandangle Just forever riding After them Desper desperate to catch up. You can still turn back. Do I know that this is a lost cause?

You are aware that they're not heading back towards, like, civilization. They're heading towards the sea. They have supplies, but not enough to get to the sea, realize what's happened, and come back. They're going to die. We'll figure something out. I turn back. There's maybe a small chance, though. If they do figure it out, they'll probably have to come back past temperance anyway.

I come back, and I making a deal with the devil. In temperance, I am cleaning up the church and turning it into my own private palace. As you're cleaning up the church, you encounter Lila. She's got like a corpse on her back and she's slowly dragging it towards her hut.

We made a deal, Lila. She turns around. Jesus! She drops the corpse. She probably doesn't say Jesus, but you know what I mean. By the gods! You're alive! I am alive.

So tell me about this thing you're making. She glances around. Because so help me God, if my godforsaken circus ever returns and darkens my doorstep again, I want to know I have the means to crush it. She looks around. Can you possibly pick up a corpse? I pull on some gloves. Well, come along then.

And then I do. She picks up again the corpse that she was carrying. As you're returning to town, flip flip dangle you see both of them dragging corpses towards the little hut that you know that lila lives at call out boss man hooch ran off with the circus flip dangle arrives on a horse i have no means of killing him do i of uh flip dangle yeah i have no means of killing why don't you just fight it out but uh he's uneasy lions uh flipped angle has martial training so like he knows how to fight you maybe have been taught how to fight with a foil in like a practice range but he's definitely the superior fighter what do you you want, flipped angle? Well, the way I see it here is that me and you are trapped here.

So what I propose, boss man, is that you keep being my boss man. I'm going to also assume that you have pocketed those two pistols that the sheriff left on the table. Oh, yeah. All right. Just keep that in your back pocket. All right. Just keep that in your back pocket. So you say I will keep being your boss man.

The hierarchy will continue as before. I'm in charge. You were always in charge, sir. I was simply, I just wanted some law and order to happen. That's all I wanted because I feel that there was some actions that needed consequences. Well, Flip Dangle, I forgive you. We all make mistakes. You are no exception.

And now you've learned a valuable lesson. So pick up a corpse and get dragging. I guess I forgive you too, sir. That's not really your place, but whatever. Get a corpse. Get a corpse. Get a corpse. In her little hut, there's an operating space, which she has begun piling bits of corpses on.

She's just before that little operating space, she's got just heaps of bits and ends, parts that she apparently doesn't need. And when you drag these two corpses in, she puts on a butcher butcher's um butcher's gown which is splattered with blood and she starts hacking the bodies apart with a big meat flavor so what what are we doing here by the way then it's a very good question our escape right and uh what's uh she like cuts into a torso reaches in with two hands and starts cracking ribs out so she can get at the innards cool now what's the what is the escape then i'm um going to do what i uh should never have tried

to do in the first place and i'm going to i'm going to exploit some knowledge of my ancestors i um i i found not too long ago about um maybe four or five months ago, I found a tomb. She's like cracking bones apart and taking shit out. I found a tomb to my ancestors, a long, long ago forgotten line of my people. They had this dreadful, terrible war with the dwarves. A lot of the specifics have been lost to time. But in their war, they created great, terrible beasts. And I'm going to make one of them that I now know how to make, a beast of war,

which will hopefully be able to destroy this worm creature from the inside out. Right. Do you know how the worm came to be, by the way? She stops, looks up at you two and says, I have no idea. And then she continues. She's got that guilty look on her face again. She knows how the worm...

You know what? I'm not even going to roll. She's that bad at bluffing. Well, clearly you do know. I just want to point out that it is no longer circling the town. No, it goes away at dawn. It'll be back soon. Oh, right. Well, what can we do to help? Well, I only need the innards. If you could start

gutting some of those schoolchildren. Well, I guess we can do that. We start gutting schoolchildren. And you're lost doing that, asking so again, how did this worm come to be? I know you know. It's another fearsome beast of my ancestors. I accidentally awoke it while exploring the tomb.

Right then. So, it's all your fault. Guarding the worm, if it is in some way related to your ancestors, was there any level of, I suppose, control over it? I've already looked into it myself. If there is a control mechanism, it's long since forgotten. Although to not have a control mechanism is, well, it wouldn't be unlike my ancestors. They made a lot of weapons that they didn't want controlled.

So let's just open this up for a moment here. Describe to me the specifics of this creature you're creating to destroy the worm from the inside out. It's small, too small for the creature to really acknowledge it, but small enough that it can get inside and then cause damage from the inside out. and then cause damage from the inside out. She grabs a big heavy ledger with notes sticking out of all edges and she shuffles through it.

It's called a blood mote cloud. She shows you an image or a drawing of it in action. It's a little black and white, but there you go. It looks like mosquitoes, but there you go. Looks like mosquitoes. But like blood mosquitoes. Who also come with a mist, I guess. That's alright. I suppose you could say they are like mosquitoes.

I didn't say that. I know who you're talking to. I imagine maybe one of you comments saying they look like mosquitoes. I'm halfway across the desert on a bloody dinosaur. Right then, so basically he's making some kind of undead swarm, as it were. Yes. So,

the mosquitoes, would they, is there a way for them to, rather than kill the creature, control or otherwise incapacitate the creature? I imagine they could incapacitate it if they hurt it enough but stopped at killing it but control i don't think this creature can be

controlled boss you know this thing about a lost cause and now i know you've got worm lust i get that but uh maybe this is something that just can't be controlled. Maybe. I don't deal in maybes. I could try to do this, but it's no guarantees. That's all right. I'm a gambling man. So you just need the innards of people, right? I need certain bits, but innards are the easiest bit for you guys to collect for me. Yeah, that's pretty easy.

She's grabbing some of theoth. Flurry of blows on Algonon. Sorry, boss. Boss. Hierarchy. Let's just clarify. You know what? I've gone worm loss crazy. I'm seeing it. He's got worm fever. You got worm fever. Happens to the

best of us. Oh, boy. I was, like, prepared to kind of make this deal with the devil. Let's just try and... I thought maybe you're going to rule the town. No, you just want this worm to control. No, no, no. Like, I mean, the two things aren't mutually exclusive. The best way to rule a town is with a worm.

Obviously. You can do both. Algernon, flip dangle just like... At first you think he's just losing it at you, but then you realise there's a lot of purpose to those blows. And Flip Dangle's martial training comes full fury at you. You take

five points of damage from his opening salvo and then we'll go to initiative. You got two pistols though. I pull out the gun. I got the flaked arrow though. That's true. I pull out the gun. I got the flake arrow. That's true. I pull out both guns. See, I made the right decision getting out of town.

Well, I ain't going to die in the desert. Maybe. I feel like at a certain point everyone will be like, Wade, Hooch is a simpleton. What are you doing letting him lead us? I got a plan for you. Hooch is a simpleton. What are you doing letting him lead us? I got a plan for you. Hooch is a simpleton. Everyone follow Simplon.

Simplon. Wait a second. This circus is full of idiots. Algernon, you draw your two pistols. You draw both pistols, but you're only skilled enough to be able to fire once a turn.

So you want to try and blast his brains out? Yep, that's exactly what I want to do. Take a step back, fire. Flipped angle at point-blank range, you try to deflect the shot. You fail. A bullet is faster than an arrow by a decent amount. You try to, to like Wonder Woman that shit with your wrist.

But instead of Wonder Woman But instead of Wonder Woman-ing Wonder Woman-ing it. You just get shot in the wrist. Because of course. You take seven points of damage.

Buddy, shoot out at the... Algernon, your turn. I shoot again. Oh, not Algernon. Sorry. Flandangle. Algernon, you get six turns in a row. Flandangle.

It's your turn. Flurry of blows again. Bang, bang, bang. You're slowly backing up towards the edge of the room. He's slowly advancing on you Oh lord Oh no Is that a good oof or a bad oof?

Who knows? Depends on whose side you're on Oh no Gabe, have you seen the critical hit and critical miss decks yet? No How have they not come out this game? Sometimes they're out like every fucking round. This time, not the first time.

So if on an attack someone rolls a 20, which is the highest roll you can get, highest number on the dice, then it's a critical hit. If someone rolls a one, that's the lowest you can get, then it's a critical miss. And critical hits and misses have interesting effects. Okay. And I fucked up. have interesting effects. Okay.

And I fucked up. Oh, no. You fucked up. Good. So, he had a critical miss. Yeah. So, pinprick. One point of bleed.

Uh-oh. As you swing around, you hear Lila scream like, ah! You hear Lila scream like, ah, and her butcher's knife comes into your attack range for a brief moment. Your fist slices up along the blade. Oh, shit. You open your hand from between your two middle knuckles all the way along to your wrist. Oh, no. No, no, no.

No, thank you, Adam. Not only do you miss him completely with your attack, you take one point of damage and every round you will take another point of damage until someone closes your hand. If we both die, I'll be very happy. Yeah, I think we both deserve it at this point. Algernon, it's your turn. You missed him completely.

Fuck. I shoot again. Take another step back. Fire again. You bring the pistol to bear. Pull the trigger. But as you're doing that, flip dangle through the paint. You keep charging forward.

You bring yourself too close for him to be able to shoot at you. His pistol is right next to your ear though, so when it goes off, you hear, you've like gone death in one of your ears. Flipped angle, it's your turn. Flareon blows again. Let's try and get this. Did you? Alright, you take a point of

bleed. Okay, I think you nearly got a critical fumble again, am I right? Oh. Oh. Oh, I think you nearly got a critical fumble again, am I right? Oh. Oh, good. Oh! What's that? That's a critical success, that's the good one. Oh, yeah, good for who?

His first attack is a jab at your face, but the closeness that prevented you from hitting him prevents him from hitting you. He's too close to properly get the punch in and it goes past your ear. Doesn't deafen you, though. His second attack, though,

is to grab the pistol next to his head and twist and yank it. You feel this awful... With his cleaved hands. His cloven hands. It's painful for both of you. That's why you took the point of damage. You take five points of damage

From his attack And he shatters your hand Oh boy With his cut up hand He crumples your hand You drop the pistol Oh boy I've got another pistol though

Yeah you've got one in your other hand But that pistol is useless to you now. Well, that hand is useless to you now. Until healed. But I've still got a hand with a pistol. Yes. Good. And it's your turn.

Shoot him in the head. You back up again and bump into the wall. Oh, no. Oh, fuck. Jackson, can you come around here? Yes. Because I don't believe that this keeps happening. What is it this time?

Hang on. Oh, no. I'm sorry. Oh, no. I don't believe it, but it happened again. It did. It did. I saw it was a one and a four.

I'm sorry. You try to get the other pistol to bear, but once again, Flipdangle is wise to you slowly backing up. I'm sorry. You try to get the other pistol to bear, but once again, Flipdangle is wise to you, slowly backing up. He slams into you. The pistol jams in next to your ear,

and when you fire it... Oh, no. Oh, no. It's like a town of deaf people. The explosion from the pistol bursts both of your eardrums. You are completely deaf. Oh, shit. Oh, fuck.. Holy shit.

Oh, boy. Ah, fuck. Ah, shit. All right, flipped angle. It's your turn. I'm going to keep. Flurry of blowing this. All right.

You score one hit. You're going high. You're going low. You're doing all this. You've got him on the ropes, just bang, bang, bang, bang, bang into his chest. But Algernon is a lot tougher than you were at first expecting. And you don't know if this is

going to take him down. Algernon once in the gut, like the final blow doubles you over and then an uppercut, everything goes black. You can find yourself tied to a chair in a bloody another kangaroo court. I swear to God, if that's what happens here.

A literal kangaroo court in this case. Yeah, I should have brought the kangaroos in. Ah, more thematic drama. I feel like I took the kangaroos with me, surely. Flip that. You hear... Highs or lows? Highs.

Do you want to rethink that? No. You hear the sound of a cocking gun from behind you. Lila has picked up the fallen pistol and is leveling it at you. She fires. As I say, Lila, deflect then. She fires. You try to deflect.

You deflect the round. Knock it aside. It's your turn. Am I alive or dead? You're unconscious on the ground, bleeding out currently. Yeah, good. You're a negative two. Lala, I don't want to help.

I'm done now. You want to destroy this worm? That's fine. Boss man did not. He wanted to control it and make them kind of nightmare circus, which I always assumed that he had envisioned for us. You're not wrong. It's a rebranding from the Hoggling Brothers Family Circus

to the Hoggling Brothers Nightmare Circus. So, like, put the pistol down. Right here you've got another pair of guts. And I look at myself. I look at my blood just dripping down. Yeah, you take put the pistol down. Right here, you've got another pair of guts. And I look at myself. I look at my blood just dripping down. Yeah, you take another point of damage. Actually, you should have taken two points of damage. I think I skipped one.

And quite soon, I can imagine you probably got a second pair of guts. Because, honestly, what happens when that worm is dead? I've seen your town. There's been a lot of death and destruction here. She backs up against the opposite corner of her shack still holding her pistol at you but shakily her well the pistol at you but you can hurry this process up and shoot me if you want i don't know what that'll do for you but uh what's the plan here lala get out she says how about this instead You make it quick

She closes her eyes Looks away from you She guts corpses How is she squeamish about shooting somebody in the head This is different There's getting a corpse And then there's killing a person There's getting a corpse and then there's making a corpse

She sanctions my mass murder of her town. But you didn't participate. You know what, that's true. Who's the mob to you? Because it's not us, Gabe. Observe or participate. Highs or lows, Samit? Highs.

What for? Highs. Her first bullet rips through the base of your neck Doesn't kill you She looks around, starts screaming Fires again, misses Fires again, then blows your brain down Both of you die

Bleeding out on the floor of a butcher's house Good Tragedy of Algernon He just could not let go of that worm No, look You get worm fever You got worm fever And that's the end of that

The kind of thing that doesn't leave you How's the lows? Lows At by the worm At some point you realise You don't have the supplies to keep going. It's going to be a struggle just to get back to town. Well, perhaps, Hoglin brothers, if we head back to town,

we got to make a promise here. Don't let the boss man flip dang on this particular convoy, yes? Sure. Okay, then. Turn them around. Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! Are they now afraid of Hooch?

Sorry? Are they now afraid of Hooch? No, they're just, like, Simple One is just... It seemed they were then. Simple One is just a broken man right now. We'll turn around. We'll head back to town. So, as you're heading back to town

One night, Hooch Over the sounds of Barlow sobbing And he does sob most nights Everyone pretends they can't hear it But he cries a lot at night You broke him, Gabe You think you see Shimmering shadows

On the edge of the horizon When the moon rises when the moons rise and set and the next day you think you catch them just before they disappear the next night they're there clearer and longer the night after that even more so the entire time you've been out here you've had this constant feeling that you've been followed and watched but this is the first time it's been confirmed for you. Slowly and slowly they're getting closer and more distinct. The shimmering shadow

is eventually you work out an unnumberable amount of bodies. Innumerable amount of bodies just along the horizon. Like standing? Standing bodies. Kennell, we in particular... One night you don't wake up.

What? One night, the shadows descend upon the camp and then you join them. Standing on the horizon. Particular, I become is now of what we call undead, presumably,

but not in with this particular brain. He's like, he's already one of us. I thought D&D was meant to be fun. Well, I had a really great time, Gabe. Actually, just the best. And thank you all for listening along with us. And I assume having a great time along with me, on The Day the Circus Came to Town, a D&D is for Nerds adventure.

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