D&D is For Nerds - The Last Queen of Bluebeach #1 Who Goes There?!

Episode Date: April 21, 2018

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Now, enjoy the show. Hello and welcome to episode one of The Last Queen of Blue Beach, a D&Ders for Nerds adventure. Three of you are on the border of modern-day Blue Beach. Blue Beach is a client nation, or client state, if you will, of a larger nation known as Kandor. They're in every way part of Kandor, except in technicality. Blue Beach has its own queen, its own parliament, and even a separate military. Way back when Kandor was first being formed, Blue Beach was the only place that they couldn't properly subjugate,

and so instead they came to this agreement. So Blue Beach has its own queen, government, yada yada, but they all swear a fealty to the king of Kandor. Okay, cool beans. Functionally, they are the same, but technically they are separate in some aspects. This is the way that it was for as far as anyone can remember. Until recently, the current queen of Blue Beach, Queen Delacour,

Delacour, Delacour, she has decided for many different reasons, most of them economic and military, there's a lot of trouble going on in the world, unrest, that she's decided she's going to be stepping down. She will be the last queen of Blue Beach and will instead become a lord of Blue Beach. And her children will become lords and ladies of Blue Beach. Okay. Getting rid of the royals. Yeah, a lot of people, the vast majority of people are indifferent. It doesn't mean a lot to the day-to-day lives of people.

But a dedicated section of Blue Beach are quite happy about this because a week of national celebration is being planned. Oh, man. So for months now, just wagon loads of supplies, food, spices, entertainment even is being carted in from all over Kandor towards Blue Beach. You three are in a tavern at the edge of where modern day Blue Beach begins and where Kandor proper begins. So kind of right on the border, just in Blue Beach section. What's the tavern called? Who Goes There. That's a good tavern name.

We picked it based on the name. I know we did. We go there. I guess we go there. We go there. That's where we are all the time. Soon, within about a week, this tavern will no longer be on a border, but will simply be in the nation of Kandor.

But for now, it is still technically blue beach not kandor it's a a lively mood in the tavern the owner pierre is sort of mingling in among his patrons he often well usually the way things work around here and perhaps you love it this way the first drink of the night is always, but it's under the assumption that you're going to get drunk. Classic. Classic Pierre. Pierre's a very jolly, happy man. He's got a penchant for wearing clothes that probably fit in his younger days,

but today look like he has some of the hardest working buttons in the nation. Salute Pierre's buttons. Pour the free one Salute P.S. Buttons. Pour the free one out for P.S. Buttons. Common drinks here are often wines and ciders. Ales and harder drinks are a bit rarer to find here

and P.S. patrons prefer it that way. Any brandy? They would have brandies, yeah. I'm drinking brandy. Yeah, sure. I'll have a cider. What's the D&D equivalent of soft drink? Soft drink? Like a juice? There's a gnomish invention sweeping the nation known as cordial.

You can have that. Sip on that. All right, you have a gnomeberry cordial. Gnomeberry? It's raspberry. Okay, good. The gnomes have chosen to brand it as gnomeberry cordial. Gnomeberry? It's raspberry. The gnomes have chosen to brand it as gnomeberry, but everyone's like, this is just raspberry. Pretty sure this is raspberry.

But okay, classic gnomes. So you all know each other? How do you know each other? Jack, introduce yourself. Who are you? What's going on? My name is Old Ma'am, and I'm a very old woman. I'm on in age and years.

I'm coming on to my, let's say, 71st birthday. What was your name? Sorry. Old Ma'am. My real name is lost to time. You're a very old 71- old yes yes you sound more like 81 to be honest who's keeping track of birthdays in this med is a phenomenal that i've not died maybe 81 is not the life expectancy like 12? Incorrect. Yes, an old woman.

It was the medicine woman of the village that we all came from back in the day, sort of the healer of the village. But then presumably something occurred which made us all choof the fuck off. Or is this the village that we live in? Is there a village in the tavern? This is just a tavern on a road. So we've traveled from somewhere.

Yeah. Perhaps you're on your way to Blue Beach itself for the festivities. Yeah, look. Head on for the festivals. Yeah, that sounds like a good reason. A lot of people in the tavern are traveling on the road for the same reason. Maybe like a lot of our village is going to the festival. Yeah, I'd say so.

Yeah, and we're all just kind of joining in the festivities. I've got to decide whether I'm like... Are there like Blue Beach purists? Are there people who are like, we were stepping down as a queen, disgraceful. There are some mumblings around, about people, you know, sort of like Blue Beach pride, as it were. Back in my day, we had three queens, a king, and one occasional jack. And he was very special.

Now we've got this nation of the Candoor. Not for me, not for me, no thank you. Among the peasantry, there's not really a lot of dissension. Once again, like I said, it doesn't mean a lot for the average peasant. Some lords and ladies have expressed displeasure because

a lot of Candoor's laws and rules will start to apply more so to Blue Beach, which means because a lot of Kandor's laws and rules will start to apply more so to Blue Beach, which means that a lot of old monopolies are going to get broken up. Look, I'm a royalist. I wish we still had a queen, but I'm not fervent about it, you know? If you ask me, if you're like, old man, what do you think of the current situation?

I'll be like, well, I preferred having a royal queen in charge. But if we don't, I'll deal with that as well. World's changing. I can see it. Also, I'm a wizard. And that's about it. Just like an old woman. You know when a woman gets really old and then gets real short?

That's what I imagine myself as. A candy cane back. Yeah, a candy cane back. A candy cane back. Yeah, a candy cane back. Get that candy cane back. And my staff, because I got like a wizard quarter star, I want that to be like a walking stick. That's for all I'll be casting my spells.

You know, somebody jabs a walking stick, like young whippersnapper. That's like electricity coming out of you. Do you have any like class features or backgrounds? Oh, yeah. Arcane recovery. What the hell does that mean? Arcane recovery means that on a long rest, you recover all of your spells. On a short rest, you can recover some of your spells.

Cool. Your next ability, portent, means at the beginning of every day, I'll just give them to you so that you can do it yourself. You roll 2 d20s. I'm so excited. I remembered what this one was. Go on. You roll two d20s and record the results of both of them.

Then whenever I'm rolling a d20, you can be like, Adam, this was the result. One and ten. Yeah. So you can change one of my dice rolls or anyone's dice rolls, really. No, hold on to the dice. Okay.

You can change any d20 roll that anyone does to a 1 or a 10. No saves, no nothing. It just happens. Well, now you can fuck up someone's deck. I know. I can be like, and that was a complete failure. And I just thought a good sort of backstory is that if this festivity is happening and I'm like an old school royalist, maybe I want to go there go there but i'm an old woman so i need two strapping young lads

to like take me there so i don't get into trouble along the way well yeah well my next question was the um nation of candor and the nation of blue beach was there ever a war were they at war with each other or what was the way way way way back, when Blue Beach decided to become a client state to Kandor, there was a war, but Blue Beach never lost. They just, both sides knew it was going to be a war of attrition, and both sides kind of understood that Kandor was inevitably going to win. So how long ago was that? Like, millennia? Far back as anyone knows. What's a recent war?

Oh yeah, because I'm Peter. Peter Sumner. I am a monk. I think I'm going to, like, go about up here. You know what I mean? Just kind of, like, I think I want to be about 40, 47 years old. You know, kind of ex-military. He did his time in the trenches.

But now, you know, he's not in life and retired. Maybe he suffers from a magic missile malaise. Because, you know, you and your buddy, you're fighting against something. He looks up, and then suddenly his head's just gone. And you look across the field, and there's like 30 foot, 60 foot away, there's just some wispy-looking motherfucker

with a goatee and a blue dress just pointing at your friend. Yeah, like shell shock for you. Something in your lizard brain is like, that's not right, and you just go quiet. You didn't see your best friends blown up by shells. You saw them turn into snakes. Yeah, that changes a man. It does.

People just go quiet. A recent engagement was with the nearby nation of Goldcrest. So if you're a Bluebeachian, if you will, the Bluebeach military does kind of fall underneath the Kandor military. So Kandor would have been dragged in, but you would have been dragged in with them, or you could have been. I was thinking like maybe 30 years ago. 30 years ago?

Then you might have fought in the War of Halfling Independence. All right. That's good. Pre-Ellora, well, they've always had kind of a cold war going on with the halfling families and the halfling nation. But a while ago, I'd say maybe roughly 30, 40 years ago, that cold war turned hot and the halfling nation, not having a formal military or really a formal anything

were in dire straits and candor who'd always had kind of a fight to pick with pray allah decided that they were going to jump in oh yeah so i kind of think like you know i joined the army to fight for my queen and country and now that's kind of going so maybe a little bit also royalist like yeah i mean i did an oath i took a vow to protect the queen, but I guess here we are. No queen anymore, just lords. But yeah, I think to maybe have a bit of a shell shock from that. Now as a monk.

So kind of maybe retired from military life and just kind of found like inner strength within. That's good. That's sort of where I am now. You got class features? I have martial arts. Martial arts gives you, well, functionally, the only thing you need to know about martial arts is that when you make a

regular attack, you make two regular attacks. So basically meaning that, you know, you go kung fu on them, if you will. Everybody wants a kung fu. And you get an extra attack. Awesome. And then I have key points. Key points. So you get two key points a day.

Key points allow you to do three things. You've got to spend the key point to do it, though. The first one is Flurry of Blows, which means that instead of the regular two, you make three attacks. The next one is Patient Defense. When you do that one, every attack against you until the beginning of your next turn has disadvantage. And then step of the wind is the final one. Step of the wind allows you to move very gracefully about the battlefield.

It means you can take the dash or withdraw action in addition to making a regular attack. All right. So, yeah, I guess maybe that's why I'm here. I'm like, I like to think in the village we just get up every morning and also I think I'm a carpenter as well I like to think I'm a bad carpenter You know those kind of people

who are like I was a military person all my life and war I'm done with so I'm just going to do something with my hands and these tools and kind of do something but it's just like you make a shit table and you're like well It's time for these hands to build instead of destroy. At least I'm doing something

with my hands. Yeah, at least you're not fighting. And people take your furniture and are like, oh, thank you. I'm so glad you're doing... No, I really am so... I'll pay you. No, really, please let me pay you. Thank you for your service to this country. This will be an outside table, though, I think.

Is there a pension? Do you get military pension at all? Yeah, you would probably receive a military pension. Sick. Will that come in game? What? Sorry? Will that come in game? At a certain point?

Like if we go over a month? In Blue Beach, probably not. It's harder for them to get it to you. Is there a sort of... It'll build up while you're away. A middle link? We can visit Maybe like a blue link

as you were. A centre joint A reference that even people who live in Australia might not get. Struggling to make the connections there But I think, you know, it's like Oh, we're getting an ex-military man into the town

I'll just get him in What's that? You want to be a carpenter, you say? Yeah You do whatever you like Really Thank you That's good

So yeah I just think it's good that you're home and safe Yeah, yeah So I think every morning I wake up And feed the stray dogs and around And then like, you know Go visit old man Have a cup of tea Maybe a cu cuppa, and just, like,

yammer on about how to fix the world's problems. Yeah. That's good. Then one day I'm like. Maybe I just talk like this the whole time. I don't know. I'm kind of liking this. Yeah, it's not bad.

A little bit like, you know, kind of Australiana, you know? Yeah. Australiana. A little bit of Australiana. I like that one. Anyways. What if we all talk like this, Hank? That's nice.

That's not the best idea in the world. I don't think it would be too bad. You're kind of liking it, actually. It's a bit nice. Maybe I don't become Peter, but Peter. Yes. Maybe, maybe, oh, not a boy, naughty cocknongan. We'll speak like this?

Only if Adam speaks like it too. I have to do many accents in this game. Can they all be that one? No. That's fair. It's crushing, but we'll deal. Now I'm going to be Peter with an A and change that gender to an F.

Alright. Here we go. Up here. That All right. And here we go. There we go, up here. That's it. That's it. That's the one. Posh Australia. Posh Australia.

But not quite Posh Australia. But not quite Australian. Maybe you might seem like a PTA. I don't know. Middle class Australia wishes they were Posh Australia. No, we are Posh Australia. Don't you even think I'm not all right? Aspiration.

I feel like it's, yeah, it's not so much like posh, but like just trying to be as like intentionally just trying to remove oneself from the lower class. Well, of course. No one wants to talk about them, do they? I'm from Toorak, but the good of Toorak, okay? I like to go to old man's house and be like, old man, we would not believe.

Have a bit of a goss. Talk about all the things that are happening. Come in, come in. Oh, my Lord, did you see What the Jenkin boys are up to these days? Yes Raise rum Scum

Raise rum They just need a bit of discipline in their life Is all they need I suppose Okay, so I think No, I don't think I don't think Noddy would speak like that Okay

So you're Noddy? Hello, I am Noddy would speak like that. Okay. So you're Noddy? Hello, I am Noddy. It's a... I'm so sorry. Cass just dropped her hat for those playing at home. Hello, my name is Noddy. No, I'm sorry. Noddy., I'm sorry Noddy

Hello, my name is Not-A-Boy Cocknoggin But you can call me Noddy Not-A-Boy Not-A-Boy Cocknoggin Not-A-Boy or Not-A-Boy Oh look, it depends on your pronunciation I pronounce it with a soft D Not-A-Boy Cocknoggin with a soft D.

Not a boy cocknoggin. Can I call you naughty then? Is that what you want? Yeah, naughty's good. I assure you my D has never been soft. What was your name again, Simon? Sorry. Peter with an A, so P-E-T-A.

Like the organisation? No, not at all. I don't really believe in them, okay? Like the Brett? No, that's with an I. Sorry. Anyway, Noddy, continue. Hello.

I am Noddy. I'm a bard. I come from the valiant town where everyone else from this journey has also come. I have accompanied Oldam on her journey. I took the job because being a bard, I thought I could sneak off and get another job. Just having a bit of a busk. I do like a bit of a busk.

So just a bit about me. I put on new identities. I lie about everything, anything, everything anything even with not a good reason i'm very charitable i fancy myself a sexier rodent hood body language is like you're having a very disinterested conversation with me you're just like here's some facts about me so you're a you're a sexy rodent hood and you lie about everything are you lying about that like um sorry not quite understanding. So you're a sexy Robin Hood and you lie about everything. Are you lying about that? Sorry, I'm not quite

understanding. You say you're a sexy Robin Hood? No, Rodden. She said Rodden Hood. Sexy Rodden Hood. That's another thing I lied about. I was about to say, oh, that's gonna come interesting later. I fleece the wrong person and I must make

sure they never cross my path and I will never ever perform music with a harpist. Wait, do I play the harp? Oh, shit. You don't want the competition, I suppose. Yes, never. Just like two harps on stage isn't going to sound terribly good. Oh, terrible. Or maybe it'll sound lovely.

I don't know. I don't know harps. Let's go with Petra, Adam. Let's chuck an R in there. Perfect. I am convinced that no one could ever fool me, and once I serenaded a lady and her undergarments evaporated. Oh, I bet they did.

My goodness. You're very good at what you do. Oh, you do not have to tell me. I know. But never stop talking about it to others. My reputation precedes me often. Excellent. Fuck, what a troupe we are.

What a mysterious troupe we are. I can now change my order of juice to red wine. No, white wine. It's a white kind of night. It is. It's a bit hot, I imagine. Is it hot or is it cold? It's a white kind of night. It is. It's a bit hot, I imagine. Is it hot or is it cold? That's a good question, Adam.

What's the temperature, Adam? It's summer, so it'd be warm. Definitely white wine. That's just so wine. I'm still rugged up with a shawl, even though it's summer. My bones get cold. What else do they do? It just happens with age.

Yes, yes. I have a cider and a scarf. That's good. The gnome that you got your cordial off and the one who's- White wine, Adam. The cordial you were drinking before. No, that's in the bin. That was Peter's drink.

It's Petra now. Petra doesn't drink cordial. White wine only. Petra doesn't look at people when she's talking. Petra's too good for Adam. I know you look at me when she's talking. Petra's too good for Adam. I know you look at me when you're talking. There's a gnome in the tavern who you know has been supplying

or is trying to work out a supply deal with Pierre. Would you have spoken with the gnome? How long have you guys been here? A while. I imagine I'm knitting a scarf. His name is Buntlow Can-Can. That sounds kickable. It does.

Can-Can is his legs. Bunt is like punt. That's good. It's a kick name. You named him something to kick. Did you do that on purpose? Did you want us to kick him? I didn't realize there were kick names.

Look, now you know. And you can name your characters accordingly, but we'll know that you know. Kicks McGee, his brother steps in. Buntlow Can-Can is what they refer to as an all what they refer to as an all green gnome in that his, uh, so gnomes are often earthen colors, greens and browns. Buntlow is a green complexion with like a slightly darker green hair. And he's got this like, oh, not a mustache. What is it?

A Dick Van Dyke. Oh yeah. That's got this massive curl to it. Oh, wonderful. Beautiful. He puts some sort of wax or gel in it that smokes softly. Classic fucking notes. They're a showy people.

That is poetic. He's being very loud near the counter, having a conversation with Pierre. I'll over here. I'll listen in. Listen in to that comment. I will also listen in. They're discussing pricing for

like a shipment of cordial Two major points of contention are first off, Buntlow says that Pierre cannot buy anything less than a hundred gold worth of cordial and Pierre insists that if he's going to pay that god damn much for cordial

name it what it actually is He's got a point though i mean you look at it like gnome berries what is this am i drinking gnome testicles i don't know how can i say this to anyone huh exactly see they don't know what they are drinking raspberry if maybe there was like a berry what is wrong with your people? on the actual label, that would be really, really helpful. It's nice though. It is quite delicious. I'd like to look at the pictures

of my food and beverages. Excuse me? And beverages. We're just saying on the label there should be like a raspberry. Adam, my character is eating something and I'd like to see the picture of it on the menu before I continue to compare or something.

This bard cannot read. I learned to sing so I didn't forget words. Plays everything by ear. This one, very talented. That's canon now, Adam. It's canon. Do I need to read in this game? Yes.

We can read. It's fine. We'll read for you, darling. Don't worry. It's fine. We'll read for you, Daryl. Don't worry. It's funny. It doesn't seem like the fight is getting heated. It's not a fight. It's an argument.

But it doesn't seem like the argument's getting heated. From watching in the corner, knitting a scarf away. Generally speaking, Jackson, BT dubs, if you ever need to know when you're rolling or when a D20 is being rolled, if you hear me rolling dice, feel free. Okay, that's a D20. Well, I don't want to be like, um for my role make it a one i don't intend to succeed um i refuse to

pay attention thank you very much uh yeah you can tell that it's not it's probably not going to get violent they often sort of squabble over minor details just let them do their thing then yeah is it anybody else in the tavern? Yeah, the tavern's full of people. There's a troupe of acrobats on their way to the capital. They're doing a little show for people. I want to mosey on over and watch that.

Are you in a wheelchair? I imagine myself just very slow. A wheelchair is going to be... Well, I mean, I don't think such a thing exists. The acrobats are doing a very difficult game of... Well, ultimately it comes down to it's a game of leapfrog, but they're doing backflips and somersaults as they jump over or underneath one another.

Very impressive. I enjoy the entire show. You too, not a boy. Come on. I clap, like, fervently every time anything happens and coo. It's very impressive. It's very impressive. It's very impressive is what that is. I'm personally not impressed.

How are you not impressed by that? Not a boy. It's very good. Look, it's all tumbling and, oh, it's amazing. Body jockey is disgusting. What's wrong with body jockey? Oh, you know the real magic comes from within. Within the voice.

No, it does, it does. I mean, yes, the real magic. But look, it's very impressive anyway. I bet they couldn't make anybody's garments under or out of dissolve. Probably not, but I don't think that's their goal tonight here, love. Oh, there it is. Maybe it is. Well, it's just nice to see somebody experiencing joy.

One of them begins balancing chairs on top of each other, and then once it's a stack of four chairs balanced on top of each other, one of the acrobats hops off another, lands on the stack, and does a handstand. Oh, that is very impressive. That is very impressive. In the top of my lungs. That's not the use of chairs.

Use number one. You're such a sound push. Come on. Just cheer up. Having finished my brandy, maybe I'll wander back up to the counter of the bar. Right. Here over as best I can. Buntlow, as you're approaching, returning to the bar,

Buntlow swings off one of the stools and yells, Well, if you're not going to play nice, then maybe I'll just take my stuff elsewhere. And he storms outside. I'll turn back to Pierre. Difficult gentleman there, seemed like. Negotiations can go bad before they go well.

Yes, yes, yes. Evidently. Didn't want his cordial. Didn't want to pay for his cordial. I didn't want to pay for trash. It's not good cordial. Well, you know, it's as good as it is. Pierre, it's very nice. I think you're underselling it.

Have you had any? Yes, I have. It's quite tasty. I think we discussed this and you said you did not have any. You chose a white wine instead. I did tonight But I'm not saying that I haven't had it before The impression you gave me was that you had not had it Pierre goes red in the face

The world begins shaking, Zahmet Maybe Pierre, if you got a bit of that cordial Something is awakening Mix it with that white wine Mix it together It's quite delicious and a bit fruity Just an explosion. Is that a spritzer?

Yes. It's a little invention I like to call a spritzer, yes. In any case, I do not think that on its own, the cordial will be very well received. But I have, how do you say, a separate deal with some dwarves. They're going to supply me with a drink Known as vodka And I wish to mix it with the cordial

Vodka is a bit hard for the palate Yes, yes, yes And I think that would work well together I think it would Yes, it would be very nice If you have that now I would love to try one The dwarves have not come back with their product yet

Yes, as soon as that does You hit me up Because that does sound absolutely yummy. What do you think about the current situation in Blue Beach? What with the Queen stepping down? He gestures towards the thick crowd in his tavern. I wish it could happen every week. Oh.

Oh. week. Oh. I'll take my brandy and scurry back over to my table in the corner and keep knitting. I feel like I'm still watching the acrobats. Fuming like not even noticing that we've left.

Talking to us like, ah, dickhead. While we're here, can we just order some meals for the table, please? I think old man will have probably the mash. I'll have a bit of chicken for me. And I'm pretty sure that Noddy, what have you got in kind of like the red meat area? Like mutton? Yeah, we can do mutton.

Yes, I'm pretty sure I've seen Noddy eat a lot of mutton. Noddy loves his mutton. So yes, some chicken, mutton and some mash would be absolutely lovely. Thank you very much. How much was that? Yeah, I didn't pay for my brandy. You're cute. People will give things to you. Yeah, I assume I didn't pay for my brandy. I didn't have to pay.

Could you make that... He's my old woman adorableness. He was too like, she doesn't know what she's doing. If someone tries to charge you, I will charge them. And if you could just make that that mash like real extra smooth, old ma'am has some trouble chewing, you see. I have no back teeth.

Do you have any teeth, old ma'am? Only front ones. How many? Are we talking four? One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. No, 16. You've only got the top one. And if you could, like if there's something green,

like some broccoli or whatever, if you could just mash it up with the potatoes, just because she needs those extra vitamins, I feel. In my old age, I do. It's the only way we get her to eat her vegetables that aren't actually just potatoes. I'll see what I can do. It should not be too hard to instruct the cook

to do something like this. Thank you, you're a doll. I slink back over to the table humming a song I've made up about the acrobats and the body jocks. Body jocks, the shit heads. I charge you a gold in total. Thank you. That's not too bad at all. What did you order me?

I ordered you some mutton, pal. I love mutton. I know how much you love mutton. I really love mutton. Don't you? Yeah, yeah. Eat a whole jumbuck. Are we how much you love mutton. Don't you? Eat a whole jumbuck. Are we going to stay here tonight? Is that the plan? Is that the plan?

It's kind of like getting on in hours. You could travel the roads at night, but why bother? No, not for us. We'll spend the night here and then in the morning we'll head off. I feel like we're following a procession. When they leave, we leave. Yeah, exactly. We're all together on the pilgrimage to Blue Beach.

It's like a crawl, like a town crawl. Yeah, it's a classic town crawl. All right. We'll stay the night here. At some point in the night, odds or evens? Evens. Evens? All right.

At some point in the night, Noddy, you step outside to use the facilities, as it were. The bathroom has got acoustics. The outhouse is across the road from the tavern. So you've just got to walk across the road to get to it. The road is, so it's like a bridge across the water. The water marks the line between blue beach and candor the tavern sits right on the water right next to the bridge and right along the road you're walking across

the road and in the distance from across the bridge you hear galloping you look you look across and from the light streaming out of the tavern you can just kind of make out in the in the night a rider heading towards you the rider you can tell even at this distance is slumped over the front of his horse and his horse is riding full pelt across the well to get to the bridge oh that doesn't look good what is wrong with the rider find out next time on The Last Queen of Blue Beach, a D&D is for Nerds adventure. Thanks for listening.

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