D&D is For Nerds - The Last Queen of Bluebeach #10 Assassins on the Beach

Episode Date: June 23, 2018

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Sand Spans Radio. One more job and I'm out of the game for good. Have you been asked to run a fifth-ed Dungeons & Dragons adventure out of the blue by your good friends Zamet and Jackson and found yourself with very little prep time and two restless, angry boys? No? Only me? Well, if you're ever afraid that Zamet and or Jackson might break into your home uninvited at night and demand dnd there is limitless dash adventures.com you'll find enough locations encounters and side quests to cut your prep time in half limitless dash adventures is currently doing their third print kickstarter a hundred limiters, which includes tactics,

lore, and everything else a DM held hostage by his friends needs. To find out more, head to limitless-adventures.com slash monsters. So once again, if you're under the pump or just need a bit of inspiration, head to limitless-adventures.com. Hello and welcome to episode 10 of The Last Queen of Blue Beach, a D&D's for nerds adventure. Previous life. No, I mean it is the accent of the common man. What's the, um... Among the

elite of Blue Beach, they sound something more like this. Do they get us accurately? Are they flattering? I can see that I've got... Naughty highs orelos. Heys! Yes, it's a perfect likeness of you. An audience with the Queen would be quite a feat. I imagine she's extra busy now.

More so than ever. I have heard whispers that there is a delegation from Kandor, members of the Kandor High Court, and members of the Kandor military, even. Perhaps we could speak with them. It might be easier to get an audience. He's sitting at a table with a couple other people all wearing similar uniforms and a

couple other people wearing high fashion of Kandor. Possibly diplomats. This is more than just an assassination attempt. This is an attack on Kandor itself. This right here, he points to a place on the little battle map. He says, that's the tavern here. This is where we keep our guards. These people need to attack us as well.

I say we just wait. We just wait. Yes. I suppose it's the best move here. This is where we keep our guards. These people need to attack us as well. I say we just wait. We just wait. Yes. I suppose it's the best move we have. Wait. Ready to see what's coming next. You're waiting on the beach, and after a little while, you notice a figure walking towards you. Can we make out who it is?

When she gets a little bit closer, you can, yes? It looks like the queen mother herself. Oh, my gosh. It's the queen. I looks like the queen mother herself. Oh, my gosh. It's the queen. Immediately. I'll be getting down onto my knee. Get down on my knee as she approaches. General flick as it is.

She's not wearing anything fancy. It looks like perhaps to walk among the peasant folk. She's dressed a little not as nicely. She's wearing just plain, simple clothes of pastel colors. But her appearance, demeanor, and even just to a lesser extent her hair, it's impossible to not know who it is.

She's not doing a great job of hiding herself. As she strolls the beach, she seems a little shocked to see you. All of you. But she... How's the lows? Let's go with some highs Yeah

Highs? She doesn't say anything as she approaches She looks Well she doesn't recognise any of you surely So she doesn't say anything Is she close enough to be within Yeah she's within earshot at this point She looks like she just intends to walk straight past

Wait till she's the closest though She doesn't run off You know So we can actually Yeah So we don't have to like you know Have a conversation at Yale Basically Yeah Wait till she's the closest, though, she doesn't run off. So we don't have to have a conversation at Yale, basically. Wait till she's almost several metres away from us.

She nods as she comes up to you. I'd like to get up from our bell. Excuse me, Queen. What was her last name? Queen? Delacour. Excuse me, Queen Delacour. So we've got some high on.

Quickly introduce ourselves. We've come here with a grave message for you. Potentially troubling news. She looks very suspiciously at each of you. I look like, you know, put my hands up. Don't worry, we're not here for any kind of wrongdoing on yourself. Take the note and the map out. We discovered these in the body of a poor fellow who was killed just outside of a tavern we were in.

We feared perhaps an attack on your life and we've travelled a great distance to come to you to warn you. She takes a step backwards. LA, any attack? Please take them. I'll put them on the sand in between us and take several steps back. She considers you very slowly, each of you. Roberta DeHood is still bowed in a genuflection in front of the queen. Franklin Turner and Captain or Commander, sorry, Commander Tink standing up the back.

Both of them have got, you know, like eyes out looking for trouble. Have we walked into a trap? I said that like the queen had. Well, she might have. A stab. Get her! Now I'm the queen! Finally it's all the way up from side to side.

Naughty and old man. You see it, but it's too late. No, no, no. The sand behind the queen is disturbed as something invisible runs up behind her very quickly. Oh, shit.

Oh, no. It reveals itself at the last moment just as it strikes a dog. Oh, big dog. Oh, big dog. Oh, big dog. Hooray. It's just a dog, ladies and gentlemen.

Dog with a horse's saddle. Big dog. Saint Bernard. Big dog. It leaps at her from behind. She screams and it tears into her. Oh, shit, it's still a problem. Oh, whoa, whoa.

Oh, God. It's not just a... Oh, no. Big dog. Big dog. At the same time Lizard folk Begin to march out of the water What?

Four of them Plus another one Wearing that weird headdress What? And at the same time You hear Commander Tink Scream out from behind you

Assassins! You look behind you And you see Robed men With weapons Approaching from behind Also Apparently invisible What is You look behind you and you see Robed men with weapons Approaching from behind Also apparently invisible What is

They were once invisible What is going on This is not good Kill the dog first I thought it was like Dogs attacks It's all friendly Gives you a bit of a lick on the face

No it ripped your face off So okay attacks. Oh, not really. It's just a dog jumps on. It's all friendly. Gives you a bit of a lick on the face. He got you good. No, it ripped your face off. So, okay, let's try and figure out what happened. Assassins, lizard people, and a dog. Just the gang's all here. Adam, if I were to insult a dog,

would it work? Do dogs understand? If you're like, who's a bad boy? Who's the worst boy? Yeah, I think it affects dogs That's great That's good to know You can insult a dog

Just in case I ever need it in the future, maybe Yeah, potentially Just asking for a friend Jack, paper, scissors, rock me Paper, scissors, rock Paper, scissors, rock Adam Paper, scissors, rock Paper, scissors, rock Adam did not choose his usual rock first No, but I think Adam may have still won

No, you won But look at how smug he is No way I won one I won, but did I win? No I don't Now I don't I doubt it, pretty highly

I don't know if any of us have won here. I think the real winners will be the listeners at home. The dog mauls the queen. Oh, Jesus. Come on, dog. Calm down. Whose dog is it? The lizard people.

Stand up. Whose dog is this? What the fuck, you guys? What the fuck is this? What the fuck, you guys? What the fuck is this? The queen screams as a bite, or the dog sinks its teeth deep into her shoulder. She takes two points of damage. Shit. She's tough, though.

She is tough. We don't become queen for a reason. You don't become queen for a reason. She's one of them weak queens. Maybe she's got one of the illnesses, you know? Oh, wait, no. Is she inbred? Adam, how inbred is she?

Pretty inbred. If she were any more inbred, she'd be a sandwich. Sandwich isn't inbred. It's made of bread. The meat's in the bread. Sausage. She'd be a sausage. She'd be a hot dog.

That's what we call enhancing a joke, Adam. Adam has to take a quick break to cry. Should be a silly sausage. I'm going to eat shit now. The two assassins charge the commander and the diplomat. As they attack, Commander Tink grabs one of the robes and yanks at it. The robe tears away to reveal the uniform of a royal guard. Knew it.

Knew it. Fucking knew it. Unless the royal guard are there in case someone attacks the queen. And that's what they believe has just happened. Potentially, yes. In the back of my head, I have it that Adam's just going to screw us. And we're just like. Or like a lizard.

Why lizard folk? I don't know. Whose dog is it? One of their swords slices deep into Commander Tink's chest. He's wearing just the ceremonial uniform, not a... Not armour or anything like that. So it cuts straight through any cloth

he has on his belly and exposes part of his stomach. Careful, they might have poison. Oh, yeah, shit. Poison again. I forgot about that. I forgot. He doubles over in pain.

But the diplomat, Turner, backs up, casts a quick spell of defense, and the other assassin's sword bounces off. Okay. Then the lizard folk. Oh, man, we're fucked. What are they doing? Are they in the sea? They came out of the sea.

Well, I'm glad we didn't hide in the sea. Imagine going to hide in the sea and just being drowned by lizard people who just pounce on top of you immediately. It feels like a classic Scooby-Doo situation where you're putting stuff in front of the door, but the monster's on the other side of it, then the monster helps you with the stuff. One of the lizard folk.

Yeah. No, two. Two of the lizard folk. Yes. Charge the queen. She's already got a dog on her. The dog backs off as the lizard folk approach. They lift their clubs and just start raining blows upon her.

No, the only raining should be done by the queen. She takes 12 points of damage. But look at the monarchists we have in this room. Not the queen. I love the royals. For love, for queen. For love and for queen. I've become very swept up in this whole queen business.

Okay. Okay. Every time I say that, I can't help it. No, it's not a joke anymore okay well not this one no he's gonna like cycle through appropriate personalities um where am i really how close am i to the queen? Not very far, like 15 feet. Oh, the other lizard folk have arrived and are menacing you guys. Okay. I start shouting vicious mockery at the lizard that's hurt the queen the most. Do you want to give a quick description of this lizard, please? Pass the pitch.

It's that guy specifically. He has Sebastian stitched into his scales. Oh, goodness. Okay. I'd like to sing a bit of Bardic Inspiration. Uh-huh. Who would you like to give that to? You can give it to the queen or one of the NPCs. Oh, yeah.

I'll give it to the queen. Yeah. All right. Okay. Oh, singing in Scottish. Unfortunately, you can't give it to the queen Alright Singing in Scottish Give it to a corpse Oh no You're a gotcha jockey

My queen my queen How have you been I know it's not good Let me help you I should My queen my queen How have you been I fix you up good, now fight this dude. Oh, here, here.

Bravo. That's some good shit right there. And then I shout at the most menacing-looking lizard folk, and I say, Oi, fool hawk! Stop hawking your wares around me queen with your clubs! Faux hawk? Faux hawk!

Faux hawk! That's not fair. That's hilarious. You just couldn't understand my accent. Ah, regular damage. Pass me the thing back. So hurtful. Adam!

I'm not there, Adam! Oh my god! Why? Adam! Adam! Adam! I'm not there, Adam! Oh my god! Adam! Adam! Axiom Verge. Good game. I'm sure. What other spells have you got anyway?

Dissonant Whispers, Charm Person, Mending Sleep in Hideous Laughter. You deal a single point of damage to the lizard folk. Oh, the dismay on Cass's face is palpable. Look, I didn't do the inspiration on myself because I wasn't confident in my insult. And I'm glad it didn't. Old man. I would like to cast Chromatic Orb Poison on the dog.

You're gonna kill a fucking dog? I'll kill a dog. It's a big dog! It's a big dog! It's a monarch-hating dog and quite frankly I won't stand for it. I'm not gonna stand for a dog that hates the queen. That's just wrong. Somebody raised that dog to hate the royals, and that's just not

it. And now the dog should pay for its parents' mistake. Quite frankly, I mean, that dog should not be worth living. I think it's... Clobber him. I'd say clobber that pooch. You deal 14 points of damage to the dog. The ball of poison slams into the dog

The dog yelps in pain And begins bleeding from every orifice The dog staggers a little bit Starts coughing And it coughs up blood More blood More blood And then just chunks

The dog collapses Slides down onto its belly Just coughing up chunks. Got him. Not that monarch-hating dog. I've got him. Don't attack the queen. We'll call him Chunks.

Petra? There's lizard folk bearing down on you. There's the lizard folk attacking the queen. I'm going to get the ones that are attacking the queen. All right, cool. I'm going to spend a ki point and smack two on one, and then the last one on the other. Smack, smack, smack.

Smack, smack. The one's attacking the queen. Yes. Don't you dare touch my queen. She's a good queen. She's great. Love the queen. You leap into the fray trying to defend the queen.

You kick over the queen into the chest of the one directly on the other side of her, dealing it seven points of damage. I always imagine you in ballet flats. Oh, yes. Not like actual ballet flats, but like that style of shooting. Oh, yeah. I don't know why. But the rest of your blows.

Can I use my point of inspiration or whatever on this? Sure. All right. So your next blow cops the same one in the chin. You deal a further eight points of damage to it. Super good. Copped him in the chin. Dislocating his jaw, which now hangs loosely on his head.

But when you whip back around to attack the second lizardfolk, he brings up his turtle shield, and your hand slams into it. Adam, give me 2d20. I haven't rolled my portent. I haven't rolled my portent for days. I always forget I have it. 14 and 11. Garbage. Alright, cheers.

Now hold on. I'm writing it down. Hero 1. Garbage. All right. Cheers. Hold on. I'm writing it down. Hero won three times. Oh, no. True. Pukuli, don't play. Keep those secret cards. Shoe.

That was Petra. Then the dog dies. There it is. That's one dead dog. Chunks. Don't attack the queen. One of the lizard folk continues its assault on the queen. Bob dies. That's one dead dog. One of the lizard folk continues its assault on the queen. The queen takes eight points of damage. Oh, God.

Oh, fuck. This is not good, guys. The other lizard folk turns to you. It tries to bite you, Petra. And then it tries to swing its club at you but when it bites you go under its blow and when it swings its club you hug its chest so that you're within its like range of so that you're too close to effectively hit the club wraps around the two of you, but harmlessly clatters at its side. Good. Then... Two lizardfolk attack Roberta.

Come on, Roberta. The first blow is low, but Roberta deftly backs away. The second blow is high, and Roberta, drawing her rapier, simply knocks the blow aside with a laugh. Good one, yeah.

Fuck, she's good. She's so confident. That's what I find most attractive about her is her confidence. Oh, absolutely. She's not taking any shit, and I really appreciate that. The second lizardfolk attacking your group also charges in, but Roberta sticks out a leg and it trips over, landing in the sand heavily.

Sand and rocks. What a hero. What an actual legitimate hero. What a gal. Wondering if we can use these geysers to our advantage. The lizardfolk shaman reaches out with two of its scaly arms and fireballs are conjured forth. Ah, fucking hell.

Do that laughter again, that lizardfolk. The assassins attack the commander and the diplomat. Yes. are conjured forth. Ah, fucking hell. Do that laughter again, that lizard folk. Get him chuckling. The assassins attack the commander and the diplomat. Yes. One of them scores another blow

on Commander Roland Tink. It's a deep blow doing double damage, some might say. Commander Tink's throat gets cut out with the sword. Commander Tink brings

a hand up to his throat. Blood is streaming in between his fingers and he starts... Oh, fucking hell. Pardon? What? What did you say? From back where the queen was walking, you hear shouts and you can see suddenly they were perhaps camouflaged with their natural blue uniforms, tend to camouflage them in against the water and the sand.

But you can see some more royal guards coming. These ones look shocked and have their weapons drawn. Oh, okay. Shocked is good. This is good. But it's going to take them a little while to get here. So presumably that's the good royal guard. Not the conspiracy of blue. With one hand, Commander Roland Tink fights back. He stabs

his assailant in the belly right up to the hilt, starts working it around. He tries to say something. You're not sure to who or about what. All that happens is he opens his mouth and blood trickles out. Then the diplomat

throws a, some might say, ball of acid at his diplomat. At his assailant. At his diplomat. They're just flinging acid. It's been an acid-heavy fight. That's good. The ball of acid strikes his assailant in the face. He reaches up, starts screaming, and when his hands come away,

you can see his skull, eyes, and skeletal tissue are all melting. His skull, eyes, and muscle tissue are all melting. His assassin collapses dead. Hey, that's two down. Dog and man down. The one that he threw a ball of acid at, Turner points at his chest and yells, Lord Fleur!

Ha! The Lord. Turner points at his chest and yells, Lord Fleur! Huh? Oh. The Lord. You all look around, and sure enough, Lord Fleur's sigil is on that assailant's chest. It's hard to tell because his face and potentially dental records have been burned away by acid. So was it Lord Fleur or just someone that was working for Lord Fleur? Potentially either. Potentially both. Final words. I'm self for Lord Fleur. Potentially both, either. Potentially both.

His final words, I'm self-employed. Is a lord not self-employed? I guess technically. I wonder what the queen puts on her tax invoice. Queen, I think. She probably doesn't pay tax, that fucking... Then it is... Oh, sorry, there's a lot of NPCs running around. Then it is... Oh, sorry. There's a lot of NPCs running around. Yeah.

Then it is, finally, Roberta's turn. Oh, good. I'm waiting for Roberta to do some sick arrow shit. No, she's got a rapier out. She begins casually fighting the lizard folk in front of her, scoring a dozen different small hits without breaking a sweat. What a champ she is. So cool. She's got her lizardfolk easily. Actually, you know what?

As part of her fight, she grabs the other lizardfolk that was charging at your group, throws him backwards so that she can fight both of them at the same time. She's fighting them back towards the sea. Maybe if we get them back in the sea

Noddy I'm going to use hideous laughter At the shaman I like that face You've still got those Two more erratic inspirations I hate their laugh I hate their laugh so much

The fireballs disappear And the shaman crumples forward laughing Terrible Just not a fan You can give another inspiration if you want You only get three a day You don't have to sing every time Oh right the queen

Did it help her? She gets up She's just backing away from the fight for now Did it help? That's her turn It hasn't helped her yet, she hasn't used it yet She can wait to use it Do you want to give another inspiration?

Maybe I'll give one to Roberta Because she's doing really well with what she's got And I'd like to see that improve That's true Oh Roberta, she'll hurt you. Go, Roberta. Go, Roberta. She'll hurt you.

Roberta, don't murder. Roberta. If it's all right with you guys, I'm just going to sprinkle the NPCs in among you guys. Yeah, that's fair. Sorry, go on. Oh, no, that was my song. That was good.

She's inspired now. It's more of a chant. Oh, you gave it to Roberta? Yeah. Oh, okay. You might have noticed from the song You don't think she needs the help, though Still

But that'll help her It will help her, yeah Kill harder? I mean, yeah, she'll do better She's doing pretty well already Like, you can give it to her And then maybe she finishes her fight faster Yeah

Turns back on you guys Yeah Alright That's cool Yeah I guess no one's doing poorly, though Except the queen But you gave the queen some shit, though. Except the queen.

But you gave the queen some shit. Oh, speaking of the queen, let's make it her turn now. Let's sprinkle some NPCs so it's not like a big line of NPCs. Yeah, cool. All right. The queen, from nowhere, pulls a short bow. Ah, capable lass. That's why I love her. That's why we elected her.

That's why she's our queen. She knows how to handle herself in a fight. She fires two arrows. The second arrow looks like it's we elected her. She's our queen. Yeah. She knows how to handle herself in a fight. She fires two arrows. The second arrow looks like it's about to miss, and then it does. No. The second arrow is almost about to miss when at the last second it instead impacts one of the lizard folk in its thigh. Yeah.

She deals 13 points of damage to one of the lizard folk. I'll say the one that you hurt with your bad words. Yeah. I did hurt him. That lizard folk is now in a lot of pain. From words and arrows. One in the neck, one in the thigh. Will break your bones and words will also hurt you.

Old man? I would like to chromatic orb at the shaman and I'll also hurt you. Old man? I would like to Chromatic Orb at the Shaman, and I'll make it ice. If you attack him, he gets an extra roll to resist. In that case, I'll hit the other assassin then. All right. What damage did you want? Ice?

Have I got a cold one? Sorry? Cold? Do I have a cold one? Yeah, you can do cold. Yeah, cold. Freeze him. Freeze him in place. You deal 19 points of damage to him. one. Sorry? Cold? Do I have a cold one? Yeah, you can do cold. Yeah, cool. Cold. Freeze him. Freeze him in place.

You deal 19 points of damage to him. Yeah, you strike him in the belly with your ball of coal. He doubles over, turns near, like his chest turns nearly ice solid, and then Roland swings in with his sword, shattering the assassin. It's their turn, incidentally. Take that, you dirty bitch.

So that was Roland's turn. Cool. He shattered the second assassin. Then Turner turns around and he fires magic missiles at the shaman. Dang. Not knowing the effects of your spell. Now look fair. He deals eight points of damage to the shaman.

Does the shaman wake up? I mean, stop laughing. Or just finds, like, the... The shaman thinks that's pretty hilarious. That's all a good laugh. Look at my bird corpse. And then Turner charges to be closer to you guys and more involved in the fight. Champion.

Petra. Right, so how many lizard folk are left? There's the two that are slowly being fought into the sea. There's the shaman. And then there's one more standing near you. All right, then. And the assassins? The assassins are both dead.

Both dead assassins. All right, someone's going to do a normal attack. So just two attacks on that lizard folk near me. Punch his bloody scaly chest. Your second blow misses, but your first blow breaks his legs out, doing eight points. Oh, he's dead. You break his leg clean off. He collapses forward and dies. I need to punch eight point. Oh, he's dead. You break his leg.

Clean off. He collapses forward. I need to punch the air. Oh, never mind. And I can't punch anything near me? No. All right then. Unless you wanted to go after the queen.

You could get to her. Can I go after the queen and try and get near her so I'm protecting her? Yeah, you can. I'll do that. As you approach her, she backs away a little bit. Or tries to. She's scared of you. Yeah, you can. I'll do that. As you approach her, she backs away a little bit, or tries to. I'm not going to, like, you know. She's scared of you.

Oh, I'm not, like, running at her, but, like, you know, backing towards her. So, you know, my back's almost towards her, you know what I mean? Like, don't worry, we've got this. You be safe. She still seems a bit frightened of you, though. I've saved her life, and she's still frightened. What? There's a lot of fighting going on. That's fair.

I think just the royals are like that They don't know what it's like for us The sharp man finishes laughing Oh no I don't like Adam's like What seems to dancing in your mind Adam I know He looks to the heavens and he's like

I know what's coming for him Are you dickheads in a line? I bet you are Wouldn't put it past you dickheads to be in a line. Adam, you kind of decide that. Yep, you are in a line. You are in a line. You're all in the same square. And everyone's weak to electricity, let's say.

Got us again He's right We're so weak to electricity Damn Like my kryptonite Along with fire, ice, poison Really all the elements He starts chanting

Pardon? And Oh Oh yes And oh yes And four bears Up here Lizards and bears are the greatest of fronts It says reptiles only But fuck that, bears Four bears up here of fronts. It says reptiles only, but fuck that. Bears. Right.

Four bears up here. They're like the biggest dogs. Bigger dog! Such problems with dogs. The two lizard folk that Roberta is fighting have just no chance. They try to fight back, but her flurry of attacks are just too many.

Too thick, too fast. The bears. Why are there bears? Some beach bears. A couple of beach bears. Just a couple of beach bears. So how many of you? Each of you get a bear.

And you get a bear. How close are these bears? They're next to you now. Oh, man. Bears move pretty fast, probably. Are they brother bears? Fast enough. Oh, they have a climb speed.

Of course bears have a climb speed. To get up a tree. Yes. Yeah, each of you get a bear. The lizard kind of summons them next to you guys anyway. No, that's me. No, that would make sense from his perspective. Yeah, two lizards, four bears.

Am I missing any enemies? No, I'm not. It's just the bears. Just bears and lizards is basically what we're up against at this point Three lizards, four bears? Mm-hmm Yeah Goodness gracious

Okay, so one of the bears tries to fight Roberta Who screams No, wait One of the bears goes after the queen That's right, I'm there There's a bear in there It tries to bite at the queen But the queen darts closer towards you Petra

And then it slashes at the queen And the queen Screams It was an 11 And the queen screams As the bear's paw Tears through her skin Wait I'm seeing

The queen No she's still got it No that's my bad. Yes, in my vision, the same exact thing happened. The queen takes 11 points of damage. Jesus. And goes down.

I can't let the queen die. Dan, a bear attacks Petra. I've got two bears on me. No, you've got one bear. One bear on the queen, a bear attacks Petra. I've got two bears on me. No, you've got one bear. One bear on the queen, one bear on you. Yeah.

I guess now you have two bears on you. Yeah. Sick. You take no damage because as the bear tries to come down on you, you just tuck and roll out of the way. The bear slams onto nothing but stone. A bear attacks Naught no when the bear bites naughty you grab its grab underneath its chin like you were going to scratch there and then push upwards

you're holding the bear up but then one of its paws just bang, hits you in the side. It's so much just physical raw strength, and then the claws cut into you. You take 10 points of damage. What's your max HP? 20. Okay, half down. And the final bear attacks you, old man. It got a 14.

Wait, is it a success? So, the bear attacks you, old man. It got a 14. Wait, what did it... Is it a success? So, the bear bites you. It got a 14? It got a 20. Oh, well, never mind about my portent. Forget it. Use it.

Otherwise, it's a critical. Okay, yeah, yeah. Okay, got a 14. So, last thing you see... Oh. Is the bear open more? No, I might not kill you. Yeah, I probably won't kill you.

Well, that's nice to know, Adam. It deals... Ah, there you go. It only deals three points of damage to you. Ah, good. And it bites you around the head. Get off of me, you dirty bastard. Whereas, otherwise, it might have done...

11 points of damage Okay well it was good to use my portent I don't remember this bear killing me It just very grievously injured my collarbone But yeah the bear launches at you Wraps its maw around your head And tries to squeeze But you're like wait a minute

I don't remember it going down like this That ain't right The bear's like ho Oh no good point. Yeah, you're right. The royal guard in the distance is still on their way in. Oh, that's right. Yeah, look, the cavalry's on its way, unless they're here to kill us,

in which case, uh-oh. Yes. Noddy. Zoinks. Okay. I use my dissonant whispers on the bear. You're such a shit bear. Oh, my God, look at you.

You're so shit. You're just a big dog. While the bear does not understand what you are saying, the bear does not like what you are saying. Maybe somewhere in the back of its brain it knows that it's being insulted. This is a scary one, though, isn't it? This is Dissonant Whispers. The bear takes 12 points of damage.

Okay. And putting its paws over its ears, tries to get away from you. Get out of here, dickhead. The bear attempts to flee. Cute. Two legs? Cutest bear. Into the sea.

As he's leaving, you're cuter than a big dog. It's the queen's turn. One failed. Fuck me, dad. Old man? Lighting a torch. No. Is that an action?

Yes. I'm wondering if I can light my torch and jam it into the bear and set the bear on fire No Not this turn You can light a torch I'll just use shock and grasp on the bear You put a hand to the paw's giant torso Sending jolts of electricity into it

The bear howls as you do 8 points of damage Does that make some distance between me and the bear howls as you do eight points of damage and then like is that does that make some distance between me and the bear is it still like does it still have its mouth around my head i guess is my question uh no it lets go of you okay cool cool then the diplomat fires some more magic missiles at the uh what's his face the shaman oh fuck. If we take out the shaman, we get rid of the bears, probably. Maybe. I don't know how it works. He deals 10 points of damage to the shaman. The shaman

cries out in further anguish of being hit by magic missiles. They, it starts just like peppering him. Like a machine gun, if you will. I will. Okay. I can imagine that. I do pepper on my dinner. And then Commander Tink barrels in to help Old Man with her bear.

I'm amazed Commander Tink is still alive with basically no throat. What a champion. Commander Tink slashes downwards, cutting off the bear's testicles. Sure. And then he jams his sword into the bear's belly. Oh, Jesus. Dealing 21 points his sword into the bear's belly. Oh, Jesus. Dealing 21 points of damage to the bear. Oh, killing it.

Oh, good. The bear falls backwards and then disappears. That's disconcerting. Where'd that bear go? Where'd he come from? Cotton Eye Joe. Cotton-eyed Joe. Petra? Right.

If I used Step of the Wind, could I grab the queen and run away from the bears and into the royal guard? No. Dang. That's a shame. That's rude. Wait, as using Step of the Wind, have you not used all of your key points? I've got one more key point left. Actually, no, wait.

Yeah, I think using... Because it uses a bonus action. Yeah, I think using Step of the Wind allows you to do that. Awesome. Shit, yeah. That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to use my key point, Step of the Wind, grab Queen, and just run towards the guards. All right.

Putting a lot of distance between us and beers. You will take attacks of op as you pick up the Queen. That's fine. Yeah, look, you're doing it towards the guards. Putting a lot of distance between us and bears. You will take a tax of up as you pick up the queen. Yeah, look, you're doing it for the royal. For love and for queen. Both the bears try to converge on you, but you hoist the queen onto your shoulders and out of there so quickly that the bears comedically just kiss. Does it awaken something in the bears?

No. The bears just fuck on the beach. The shaman furiously. With the queen hoisted over your shoulders, you start charging towards where those royal guards are. Yes. Awesome. Dan, it is enemies turn.

Bears charge behind you. Shit. Being chased by bears down a beach. Is there anything more pure? One of the bears successfully nips at your heels. Oh, fuck me. As in it tears your heel off. You take five points of damage.

What? No, thank you. I had to actually grab my heel because... Just to make sure. I'm like, it's not been taken by a bear, has it? Who's still fighting a bear? Oh, the bear that you made flee, Petra, turns back, is like... And charges back at you.

Oh, no. It fails to bite you. When it tries to lock its maw around you, you grab either side of its maw and just hold it open around your head. Whoa! The shaman conjures balls of fire to his hand, then hurls them at the diplomat. Ding.

Missing. Good. The fireball explodes at Turner's feet. He gives a, like a, ah! And jumps backwards. Good. Roberta, finished with the last of the lizardfolk, she's cut them to ribbons,

spins around and draws a longbow on the... Remaining bears? Oh, on the shaman. That's right, take out the shaman. Forget the bears. She fires two arrows in quick succession. One of them explodes

outwards from the shaman's chest. The other one explodes outwards from the back of the shaman's head. The shaman is bits scattering onto the beach. That's good. And the bears?

The bears disappear. Well, that's even better. That's great. Is that everyone? Yep, that's everyone. That's fantastic. I'm going to try and stabilize the queen. All right, the queen.

One more failed. Shit, shit, shit. All right, if you don't get it this time, that might be it. Oh, God. You don't get it this time? Oh, no. What do you guys want to roll?

Let's all roll for the queen. Yep. So, do you know what you need, Jack? Yeah, I need- At least a 10. At least a 10. So everybody cup my hand with your hands, okay? I'll quickly dash to you to use the queen.

10. All right, that's a success. Now- I assume me and- Actually, do you just to roll your heal check? What's my heal check? Medicine check, sorry. So let me just quickly check.

Pietro, you have a three in wisdom, so you need to get at least a seven on this roll. Fifteen. All right. So it's hectic for a few brief moments as you're trying to hold the queen's everything in blood in you're like looking around for anything to try and stabilize her that's all that's around you is sand you grab sand and you hope that that's enough you just start like pushing it no into it absorbs the blood the sand gets all mushy and goopy and that keeps her blood in.

Well enough for the royal guard to arrive. One of them puts a hand on her and channels healing energy into her. Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. The queen opens her eyes. Me and Noddy will I assume run down the beach to the queen. There's a lot of commotion. You guys are all

brought back into town under guard. They're not sure 100% what to do with you guys just yet. That's fair. Everything's very chaotic right now. No one's sure what's going on. So you are briefly held in the dungeons, not locked up, just in a cell while they wait or just figure out what the hell has to happen. I think we're just happy for the reprieve, to be honest.

We don't put up any fight. We're just like, no, we understand completely. As long as the queen is safe. Is she safe? Is she going to be okay? That's what we care about. The queen is alive and well. She's being tended to currently, but she's in a lot of shock.

And everyone's just trying to figure out what's happening. If you need any questions answered from us, please, we will be happy to help. It's just so rare. It's real nice to not be being attacked and not have to be worried about being attacked. Just to have a sit in a dungeon. It's just good to have a bit of a break. We did good. Have a bit of a kip until they need us again.

No more bears chasing us, which was very frightening. That was a terrifying moment on the boat. Just give me a lifelong feed of bears, that will. Tell you what. All three years, lifelong. While you were in jail, relaxing, in the jail cell across from you is Turner and a healed up Commander Tink. Oh, yeah, he survived.

Old Tinky. Also in your cell is Roberta, who's being held in chains, unlike you guys. She has alternate crimes against the Crown. We're so sorry is Roberta, who's being held in chains, unlike you guys. She has alternate crimes against the crown and is probably going to be held. That's alright. No worry, Roberta, we'll make sure that you did save the queen, so we're going to put a very good word in for you. We'll do our best to live your slight-wiped claims,

darling. And if not, we'll bust you out. Don't you worry. It was an honour to do this for the queen. Yes, she's a good woman. If I must risk my head to make sure that the queen gets to keep hers, then that is a trade very worth it. Couldn't agree more, darling. Couldn't agree more.

That's great. The coming sound echoes from the stairs coming down. Chink, chink, chink. A heavy footfall. Someone wearing armor. Walking into the dungeon is Captain Mercer. He has a hand gently resting on his sword. He walks past your bars or your cell, looking at each of you closely in turn.

He's only paying attention to you guys, not to Roberta or the delegates. Captain Nessa, nice to meet you again. How are you there, darling? I can say I have had more pleasurable meetings with other people in separate circumstances. He gestures to the dungeon around you. Are you upset that your plan failed? I have no idea what you are talking about.

All right then. I was investigating a plot by a group known as the Conspiracy of Blue. Yes. We are unsure as to... He continues to pace as he says this. We are unsure of exactly who is a member. We, thanks to your information, we are unsure of exactly who is a member. We, thanks to your information, I will let you know,

are aware that certainly Lord Flua is a co-conspirator. His sigil was found on the evidence you collected, on the armour of some of the royal guards who were sent as assassins and even on the trained attack dog he sent with his people. I thought it was strange when the queen was visiting the lord's manor that his dog went, as you say, ape shit at the sight of the queen.

Perhaps he had already trained it to attack. One man does not conspiracy, Mike. Is that not the case, Mr. Mercer? I'm an old man, by the way. I don't believe what you actually meant. No. I assume you were asleep when I

wrongfully accused your compatriots of being part of the conspiracy. Oh, well. Right. So just to get things clear, you're not part of the conspiracy. No, of course not. Because we thought you were. No.

No, no, no. What a misunderstanding between the two of us. Do I believe? Is that a lie? He might be telling a porky. Right. Okay, then, Captain Mercer. What other evidence have you found?

Unfortunately, the only member of the conspiracy we have managed to figure out, Lord Flua, died in the attempt to capture him. It is impossible to know who else is part of this conspiracy of blue. What a bit of a coinkydink, huh? Oui. You act very suspicious, I'll tell you now. Like you know. Wouldn't trust you as far as I could throw you. I understand you have been through a lot.

You did not know who to trust and when to trust. But please, you are among friends now. You are to be released, he snaps his fingers. Two more members of the Royal Guard come out and unlock you from yourselves. All of you, including the delegates. Including... Sorry, with the exception of Roberta. Roberta, unfortunately, has other issues.

Will I be granted an audience with the coin? Perhaps once she has healed from her injuries. In any case, he snaps again. And this time a servant boy comes out with a tray of drinks. Please, drink up

to your health and to the unification of Bluebe Beach and Kandor. The law was signed into effect earlier today. Is there a way we can just check that these aren't poisoned? Yeah, right. I don't... After you, Captain Meester. He takes a mug and drinks heartily from it.

I will leave you in the capable hands of my men and the boy here who will escort you to your rooms. He walks away. Is there anything like I'm racking my brains, think of anything that we've had, kind of a meeting or anything like that that we can kind of pin it on him but I don't know of anything. I can't think of any way we can implicate him, that's the worst

part. He's a slippery fox. Can we give a bit of an inspection on what he's wearing or anything like that? Is there anything there that could be a bit of a giveaway? You don't think so. You think if he is a part of the conspiracy, Captain Mercer has kept himself clean. And, unfortunately

for him, he failed. The unification happened and any attempts at the Queen's life will just not be an issue. The Queen is no longer the queen, in fact. Eventually, later in the day, like towards the night, are given an audience with the queen. It's irrelevant whether or not you drank.

They weren't poisoned, by the way. When you're given an audience with the queen, you also speak with the delegates. Like, all of them arrive, and you all have, like, a big meeting with the queen. She's in bed. You can see there's bandages around her waist and some over her shoulders and such like that. She speaks very delicately, very softly.

And when you first come in, she welcomes you, thanks you. And then a member of the royal guard, a captain, not Captain Mercer, puts around each of your necks the order of royal merit, the highest honor that a member of Blue Beach can receive. Thank you. The kids are going to be so impressed with this one. Thank you so much. You're a darling there. She speaks with a common accent. You have each of you saved your queen.

For this, all crimes that you have been associated with are pardoned. Though they not need be pardoned since each of you did not commit any crime. Loyalty and honour are not crimes in this kingdom. May I humbly request a favour? The freedom of your associate Roberta?

Yes, she's also saved your life. That is good to hear. The laws of Kendo are now associated here and she is protected under them. She fought against an awful, awful system

that we have finally been able to disrupt and destroy. I only wish we had been able to find the rest of the members of the conspiracy of blue.

Yes, me too. But before that, I mean, is there any way that we can kind of help out Roberta's merry woman? Women, sorry.

They were attacked by the sheriff of Normandy. If you know if they're alive still. I deputise each of you with all the powers that a queen, a lord of Kandor can. Oh, thank you so much. I empower you to dispense justice. Oh, this is so very nice of you because I have a couple of... I know about the conspiracy of Blue.

I just have my own suspicions. I know this is going to be hard to prove. Unfortunately, the conspiracy of Blue is beyond your scope. I know. I just want to, just for yourself, just give me a bit of a heads up, love. I would not trust that Captain Mercer. Yes, that's probably the sentiment of all of us, I just want to, just for yourself Just give me a bit of a heads up, love I would not trust that Captain Mercer

Yes, that's probably the sentiment of all of us, I'd say The Kandor delegation, like All get very awkward, like they're Ooh, fashion faux pas Not fashion faux pas, like social faux pas They were chatting But they got like very quiet and they're like Very nervous

The Queen doesn't say anything She looks at you and she says, I understand that you have some ill will with the captain. He did accuse you of the crimes, but he has spoken with you personally and assured me that you are to be trusted and that he regrets any ill will between you. Well, that's fine Like I agree with that's fine

I'm just saying for your own safety Maybe like just You know keep one eye open Kind of thing Just you know I trust Captain Mercer with my life Oh you poor dog That's a terrible shame

That's alright We thank you so much From the bottom of our heart Thank you Please do not call me that anymore I am but a lord, a lady. I know you're our lady, but you'll always be my queen. You'll always be my queen as well.

You're royal to us. She nods. She's not. You can see, like, in her hair, there's, like, the imprint of where the crown should be. That's real good. She shakes her head and says, please, our king now is Linus III. Linus III. Linus III.

Well, I'm surprised you needed to note it down. Anyway, I will post haste of your friend Roberta Fried and I will send you and her along to deal with this dreadful ex-sheriff of Normandy. We'll head off straight away. Before you leave, I will give you a writ, a seal from me officially that should empower you to inform any of his guards or his men that he is a wanted man.

And if they are true members of Blue Beach and Kandor, they should assist you. Excellent. You end the meal maybe in silence or maybe in merry talk. Merry chat. Yes, merry chat. Doesn't matter either way

because certainly the delegates are having a good time. And we'll head back. Are the festivities still carrying on? Yeah. Yeah. They're in full swing. Let's party.

Maybe just enjoy join like maybe Roberta is brought up to you guys eventually and Roberta joins in with you guys in the festivities. Yeah, we enjoy the merriment in the festivities. Like, you know, we don't, like, go full, like, you know, 10 out of 10, like, having a raucous time.

But, like, you know, a six out of 10 time for us. Yeah, look, I dance. A bit reserved. A bit reserved for us. I dance to the fiddle. I eat, like, a corn on a stick. Oh, I enjoy it. Exactly.

You spend the rest of the night getting out of your teeth. Oh, I enjoy it. Exactly. You spend the rest of the night getting out of your teeth. Will our heroes unseat the unjust Sheriff of Normandy? Will they uncover the terrible conspiracy of Blue? All questions for another day. Thank you for listening to The Last Queen of Blue Beach,

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