D&D is For Nerds - The Last Queen of Bluebeach #2 A Dead Body

Episode Date: April 28, 2018

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forward slash POA. Now enjoy the show. Hello and welcome to episode two of The Last Queen of Blue Beach, a D&D is for Nerds adventure. Previously. You three are in a tavern at the edge of where modern day Blue Beach begins and where Kandor proper begins. My name is Old Man and I, Man and I'm a very old woman. I'm on in age and years. Ex-military.

He did his time in the trenches, but now, you know, he's gone on in life and retired. Maybe suffers from a magic missile malaise. Hello, my name is Not-A-Boy Cocknoggin, but you can call me Noddy. Not-A-Boy? Not-A-Boy Cocknoggin? Not-A- name is Not-A-Boy Cocknoggin, but you can call me Noddy. Not-A-Boy? Not-A-Boy Cocknoggin? Not-A-Boy or Not-A-Boy? Oh, look, it depends on your pronunciation. And Pierre insists that if he's going to pay that goddamn much for Cordial,

name it what it actually is. It's just nice to see somebody experiencing joy. The impression you gave me was that you had not had it. Pierre goes, red in the face. Maybe Pierre... The world begins shaking, Samet.

He gestures towards the thick crowd in his tavern. I wish it could happen every week. Noddy, the slumped rider on his horse approaches you. Do I have the option to stop them? No, you immediately go into the toilet, sit down. You hear the galloping go past. It's a whole thing, unfortunately. No, you can stop if you want, obviously.

No, can I stop the horse? Oh! I thought you were like, Can I stop nature's call No you can't Can't be done I feel like it's bad for you when you stop It's not great That got you good

Fucking destroyed Why did you think I meant nature's call You're talking about a horse running Well the thing I was saying you were doing Was crossing the street So when you're like I suppose there was the horse description in between

But when you're like can I stop Because I described you as walking across the street I'm like well Of course you can oh i feel like i'm blushing yeah you can stop the horse as it rides past it's going at full speed but you grab the the uh reins as they come past and you're like whoa whoa whoa you can barely hear the horse panting over the tavern the doors are open and out of the windows there's light flooding but there's also music and the sounds of merriment it's quite loud You can barely hear the horse panting over the tavern. The doors are open and out of the windows.

There's light flooding, but there's also music and the sounds of merriment. It's quite loud over the night, and it's hard to hear anything else. You know, when you walk away from... There's like a party going on, a really loud party, and you walk outside. That sort of thing. Yeah, you can still hear the party quite loudly. They're going to keep it up. Keep it up. At this range, you can see the rider slumped forward over the horse,

has three arrows sticking out of his back. The rider looks at you with bloodshot eyes, and he tries to open his mouth, but all that comes out is blood. Friend. Friend! Friend, are you hurt? Friend, you're so obviously hurt. He reaches out and tries to grab you with a gloved hand. He can't fall.

He's like, his willems are so weak, he can't properly grasp you, though. You do have spells, by the way. I totally have spells. I'm magical. You are. If any of them are helpful. Shocking grasp. grasp you though you do have spells by the way i totally have spells i'm magical you are um if any of them are helpful shocking grasp you can heal i'm pretty sure no that's for objects cure wounds no sooner has it occurred to you to cast the spell cure wounds

maybe we've all been drinking a little bit. Begin fumbling with maybe some magic reagents or something like that. But as you bring them up, the writer breathes his last. Oh, shit. Oh, no. Survivor's guilt. Damn.

You just saw a man die. That's not good. This is going to make such a good song. And then you go to the toilet. Because you couldn't stop yourself, like I said. I've pissed in the street. You piss on the horse. As he breathes his last breath, I go,

and just piss everywhere. I don't, though. I don't do that. I'd like to make it clear I didn't do that. Hang on. No, so I try and mend the man. I try and, though. I don't do that. I'd like to make it clear I didn't do that. Hang on. No, so I try and mend the man. I try and mend him. I try and fix him.

You try to get him off the horse. It's a slow, tender thing. As you get him off, you can feel he's wearing common clothes. But when you shift his weight, you can immediately tell that underneath those common clothes, he has light armor. And sure enough, when his shirt comes a little undone just naturally you see rows of chain mail underneath the rider also has a bow slung in a pack on the horse and a sword at the side of the horse the well you don't really inspect those because you're more concerned with the guy you put the rider underneath your or you put your

the rider's arm around your shoulder and begin hoisting him such that you can carry him towards the tavern, I assume? Yes. I don't know what I will help his dad, but I will bring him in. All right. You lead the horse behind you as well and just quickly throw its lead over the binding. Yeah, the style to keep the horse in place. You burst in through the doors into the tavern. Everything stops when Noddy comes in with a slumped figure.

I like to imagine I was mid-dance with a really young guy. But I'll rush over to the fella. Definitely rush over. Check to see what's wrong with him. By the way, I want to change my age to 35 and my description as waspy. How old were you before? 47. 47?

You're 35 now? Yes. So presumably you didn't participate in the war 30 years ago. No, not at all. Probably in that Goldcrest one you're talking about, yes. Sure. It was a sort of minor border skirmish But blows were exchanged And people did die

I imagine you in like a silk shirt High waisted pants Kind of bit tight blonde hair I was thinking more like bottle red Oh I'm thinking like very You know like modern dressed as lamb Yeah yeah yeah

And I can't help but imagine you Nadia's having a really Like black hair and a widow's peak. Oh, God, yeah. Points to where the ideas come from. Petra, an old man. The ailments afflicting this man become immediately apparent to you. He is dead. What killed him, though?

He has three arrows sticking out of his back. If I had to make a very quick guess, I'd say the three arrows got this unfortunate man. Can I check for insignias? Where's he from? In the light, when you take off his shirt and inspect his armor underneath, you find that he has the official insignia of the House of Bluebeach, the Queen's insignia. Do I know him? Probably not.

This is a royal soldier. The arrows, are they like... Yeah, I was going to say, check the arrows. The arrows have like a black fletching. The arrows have a black fletching. Some sort of black feather is used in these arrows. When you pull them out, you inspect them, and you find poison upon their tips.

Who's been poisoned? Maybe definitely an assassin. Potentially. Enemy of the state. I mean, who? Searching the man, he has a dagger in his boot. You pull the dagger out and it's rich red with blood. Presumably not his, but maybe his assailants.

How fresh is the blood? Quite fresh. It's still warm. I'd like to just scurry out into the night. The battle can't be far from here. We gotta go and... You pass the man's horse. The horse also has an insignia blazed on the side of its saddle.

Where did the horse come from? Out yonder. Out yonder. Let's just... Okay. Away with me. Let's just go out yonder. I'm going to quickly tell Maybe like Pierre or someone

People start panicking A little bit Pierre starts hushing Everyone into their rooms Yes everyone calm down We've got this covered Is there anyone in the town That would have

Help us out here Like the town I was wondering what town is this This is just a tavern On the road Don't worry Hi I'm Petra Former military

We've got this sorted I'd like to What's the insignia of the horse It's called PTA, Mum. It's also the... Everyone, sit down. Push, push. Everyone, push.

Push. Everyone, push. Everyone, just push. Okay, we've got this covered. Me, old ma'am. You know old ma'am. She's lovely. She's the town heel.

You all know her. And, of course, not a boy here. We've got this covered, so everyone just calm down. A dwarf waddles forward. He hitches up his belt as he approaches you, and you can see he's got like an axe sheathed on the, or like just, you know, poking out of the belt. I might be of some assistance to you.

My name is Felic. I was a town guard back in my hometown. Do you know this man? I don't, but I'd like to offer my assistance. Of course, Felic, you're more than welcome to come along. Let's go. The four of you step outside. Like I said, the horse has the insignia blazed on its saddle.

The insignia is of the Blue Beach royalty. It's a fish leaping out of water over the sun rising out of the water as well. Can I see the trail of where the horse came from? Yeah, you go inspect where Noddy stopped the horse. There's a... Yeah, in the ground, or on the ground, there's a satchel that must have come loose when the horse was stopped. Yeah, I'll open up that satchel, see what's inside.

In the satchel is a handkerchief, which you pull out, and a sealed letter. The letter is sealed with a marking that you probably don't know. Bloody mystery in the middle of the night. Yeah, none of you are able to place the seal. It's some squiggly lines around a circle with some, like, it looks like maybe arcane symbols or something like that. Wrong. The handkerchief,

when you fold it out, has a weird pattern sewn into it. Like weird how? It's just like many different squiggly lines. Like, is it maybe a code? Perhaps. It's hard to tell. It doesn't look like words. It looks like

symbols. I want to cast Detect Map. Actually, you know what? You say map or like, it was originally going to be a secret, but yes, it looks like a map, in fact. Well, good done, Notta Boy. It does

look like a map sewn into the handkerchief. Notta's a good boy. How do we feel about cracking open this letter, seeing what's inside? Well, I mean, of course. I mean, I don't want to have to rush into battle over that way when this unfortunate poor boy was trying to protect whatever was in that sealed letter.

I'll crack it open, see what's inside, give it a read. The letter is very short. It has a time and date. Is it today's time and date? No, it says 5.35am. That's early or late. And a week from now. So the morning of the celebration beginning.

The unification day, if you will. Not unification day. Something better. That is ominous. Joining day. Gentrification. No, joining day. Joining day.

Morning of joining day. Gentrification. No, joining day. Joining day. Morning of joining day. No, well, I suppose then this map must be the location? Does that make sense? I mean, of course it makes sense, yes. I mean, obviously we're going to go here at 5.30. You're correct. I'd like to... Is light the one where I can cast it on something,

or do I just make a light? You make a light. Oh, you cast it on something. Yeah, yeah. I'll cast it on my walking stick and I want to start scanning around for hoof prints. I want to see where this fight took place. All right. You start tracking backwards from where the horse came from.

Felik, as you pass all the evidence around, Felik takes it as well in turn. When he's looking at the handkerchief, he does some of this, like looking at the front, then turning around and looking at the back, considering the front, the back again, and then he mutters something to himself.

It's all gnomish to me. Can I get the handkerchief, maybe start folding it, and seeing if it kind of, depending where you fold it, it might make a better map. That's a clever idea. Like, oh, what if I did this? Maybe did this. What if you folded it like you'd fold a hanky, like get any extra business? You imagine if you had a light to cast from behind,

you might be able to tell better. I'm like, oh, old man, can you just either put your- I'll just swing my walking stick around. Behind me? When the light shines through the handkerchief, when you fold the handkerchief in half, the squiggly lines match up together and form a coastline and the vague outline of what a city would look like

on a map. Do I know where this city might be? Do I recognise that coastline? Yeah, that's Blue Beach. There's an arrow pointing at a specific location as well. On the shore. Is it a town or is it just a random... It's Blue Beach and then an arrow pointing to a place like sort of down south along from Blue Beach. Right, I think... And I just pocket that hanky.

I'm like, right, I think... There might also be like a scale. So it would say maybe a couple of miles outside of Blue Beach. Well, I think I know where he was heading. Okay. Is there like a border tower? That kind of thing? No, there was no need.

Kandor and Blue Beach were basically the same thing. So do we think that's where he was heading? Almost definitely. Does that seem like the direction he was... There's no way to tell. He was riding towards Blue Beach, the city. Yeah, yeah. Maybe we should take this to the town of Blue Beach

and maybe approach some of the town guard in there. I was thinking this is something we need to get to their attention immediately. But after a sleep, it's late. It's been a big day. You know what I'm going to do? I'm just going to go inside the tavern, and I'm going to see if I can maybe procure a wagon so that you know you could rest your weary bones while we make some quick headway

because if whatever attack that poor gentleman in the tavern is still out there, I think they're not too far behind. Feliq hoists his pants again and says, Well, are we going to still look for the place where the scuffle took place? Yes, it's probably a good idea to try and find it. Find out who we're up against exactly. All right. A bit risky, but let's do this then.

I'll begin scurrying. How about, old man, why don't you take the horse and we'll just lead you? All right. I'll clamber onto the horse. All right. It's my job to do as you want. Not really. I'm just going to do as you want. Not really. Like, I'm just going to make sure you're not killed.

Thank you. You're good. You're good to me. You're good to me. My boy and girl, I guess. What is that? Just good friends for town. She's paying me.

Yes. Paying you. I'm just your friend, I think. Yes, paying me. Yes. She's paying you. I'm just your friend, I think. Yes, paying. He'll get his money at the end. He's in it for the money and the song. Yes. The story.

You track backwards until you see not just one set of footprints or the horse's footprints in the dust, but like a lot of footprints. Something happened past the bridge. It's not very far past the bridge, but enough that a fight could have happened and it wouldn't have been heard by the tavern. There are many footprints here. It looks like roughly, old man, you with your practice eyes

can tell that it looks like the rider was coming along. Then two more riders came out from either side of the bushes accosted them and while that was happening several more people on foot came out and then there was a big scuffle like an ambush basically an ambush there's um moreover than just signs of a struggle there's blood on the, and it looks like some drag marks. So perhaps the rider killed one of his assailants. And they took the body away.

Yeah, they took the body away. An ambush of some variety. So an ambush, and where's the drag marks going towards? They go off the road. Ominous. Everyone be very ready if anything jumps out at us and prepare yourselves.

Do you want to follow these tracks, what I'm asking? A little look through the bushes, you know, couldn't hurt, I would say. Felic, hoisting a lantern that he has and his axe in the other hand, says, well, let's get going then. He is not able to finish his sentence when an arrow with black fletching strikes him right between the eyes.

Felik drops his axe, drops his lantern and collapses forward. Felik is no more. Oh dear me. Can I go to initiative? Oh dear. I was... Thought you had a companion for the go to initiative? Oh, dear. I was going to rule. Thought you had a companion for the adventure?

No, no, no. I was like, oh, well, Phallic seems like some kind of fighter, so he can be up front. Also, I like that his name kind of sounded like Phallic, and that was good for me. Adam, is there a theme this time? The theme is loss, as per usual.

Dang. But I do hope every NPC is named genitally in some capacity. Have they been so far? No, Pierre. Penis? Penis. Pierre is French for penis. Pierre is like penis and derriere together at last.

That's true. A match made in heaven. And then what was the other guy's name? He was very kickable. Bunchalo Can-Can. Old Mam. Old Mam and Noddy, may you please have a rock, paper, scissors.

Paper, scissors, rock. Paper, scissors, rock. Gotcha. I was a fool. I made a dumb decision and now I've died. My character's dead now. That was Adam making his decision. Who dies? Who lives?

Jack, it's your game. Oh, no. I'm only 80-something. But I feel like you can't die. I feel like if I die, dude, like if I die from anything other than old age, it's not really fair. Can you imagine just like, okay, and you've gone to sleep and you wake up, except for old man, Jack, you see black.

You died in the night. Sorry. Pietro. You were old. Petra. Petra. What armor do you wear? You might say somewhere.

Oh, no, you don't wear armor. You're a monk. That's right. An arrow streaks out of the darkness towards you. You're able to knock it aside at the last moment, but it was a near thing. All three of you do not know where your assailant is, and you feel like perhaps if you choose to fight, you'll be fighting at a severe disadvantage.

You have no idea how many there even are. My suggestion's to leg it. Petra, it's your turn. May I suggest that we make a quick vamoose and exit this particular place? I agree, but I'm already leaving. I've grabbed old

man by the old man. I'll have grabbed and maybe I'll spend a key point of Step of the Wind and get the fuck out of there. So between the horse that you guys have brought with you. Oh, can I cast magic missile? No, you can't.

You need to see your enemy. I thought that might be a way of seeking them out. Magic missile. Don't like that one. Brings back some memories. Oh, wait. Magic missile of the darkness. Brings back some memories. Oh, wait. Magic Missile at the Darkness. We did it, guys.

We did it. What? It's a classic D&D gag. I'm Magic Missile at the Darkness. People are clapping along at home. I guarantee it. I just want to explain the expressions of the three players in the room. Blank.

Just kind of blank, kind of slack-jawed, and a little bit of confusion. What, Adam? We did it, people. We did it. Magic missile at the darkness. We're done. We can go home now.

That's game. Game. No, what's happening? It's a classic D&D gag. Don't worry. I'll explain it to you when you're older. Sorry. Between the horse that you've brought

And your ability Your step of the wind ability You're just too fast Either for the assailant or the assailant just gives up Okay But yeah, you're back over the bridge You've dragged Felic's body with you And perhaps you seek the shelter of the tavern

Yeah, absolutely We go to the tavern, I'm holding Felic in my arms We take Felic up to our room and I'd love to give him a... The tavern is basically empty when you enter except for Pierre who's still behind the counter. He looks worriedly at you guys but then when you take, when he sees Felic's body he's

just shocked. What happened? Oh there's some definitely, there's some like nasty passes up that way. He comes out from behind the bar. Old man is he definitely I'll let me give him a go and over. Can you go look at Felic? Did you know if Felic came with anybody?

Was he with a travelling companion? Felic's dead. Beyond that, you can tell the arrow's poisoned again. Did he come with a travelling companion? No, Felic was on his own. That's disappointing. Is there a way to tell if Pierre's a little suspicious that we keep leaving and coming back with dead bodies

as the only witnesses? Is that a problem? Technically, you are the one who keeps coming back with dead people. This is their first one. I keep my damn mouth shut. I start to serenade the body while you guys are chatting. The first body that you guys brought in is kind of laid out on a table.

There's a cloth. Pierre has laid him out on a table and draped a cloth on him. Pierre pushes two tables together. Please get Feliq on the table as well. We'll put him on the table as well. He drapes a cloth over him as well. This will have to do until I can get them into the basement somewhere a little bit more private.

Fair enough. Also, if maybe you had any personal effects, maybe you could try and find where he came from and send a letter home to them. I would do that, yes. Because that's just a shame. Just a shame. It's a beautiful song there.

Not a boy. It's a beautiful song there. It a boy. It's very touching. Whoever did this, did they follow you back here? That's what I was going to say. Perhaps one of you two should stay up the night and take it in shifts and just to make sure that nobody comes to the tavern. Of course, of course. I don't think I can sleep tonight.

I've seen too much. I am bushed. Just like passing out the table. I'm bushed. So I'm out the table. I'm bushed. So I'm going to go to bed. All right. As you're going up to bed, Pierre, are you two still downstairs? Yes.

Pierre addresses you. I go full military mode now. I do not wish to impose upon you, but if I were to send for a member of the town guard or someone like that, it could take quite a while for them to get here. I do not ask you to risk your lives or anything like that. But if you could at least take the message, well, not just away, but perhaps to the authorities and let them know what has transpired here.

Of course, we will, of course, do that. And just remember, you be careful, okay? Much appreciated. Anyone who's like shifty looking, Maybe with some arrows that are black and poisoned Don't let him in the bar, okay? I will sing of this night to all I encounter What did you find in your investigation Before this terrible thing happened?

Well, I'm pretty sure that This unfortunate man that we don't know Whose name was on his way to Blue Beach Did you find any personal effects on him? Unfortunately, no. I'll have another quick look to see if there's any, like, identification on him so maybe we can find out who he was. Other than that, not a boy.

He had some basic travelling supplies, the kerchief and the letter. He's not a boy. Are you very good at art? Can you draw a portrait of the man perhaps? And when we go to Blue Beach, you can maybe give, like, a description of the deceased. I've already finished the painting by the time you've finished your sentence. Do you show Pierre the letter?

No. All right. Okay. That's not Pierre's business. Do I want to show Pierre the letter? I'm a bit now, you know, like, oh, this could be. The walls have ears. Enemies everywhere.

Bit of a conspiracy here. But, you know, I'm very polite and respectful. I don't really lie, do I? No, I probably do show him the letter. When Pierre looks at the letter, he, like an expression, crosses his face, which is maybe hard to read, or maybe real easy to read.

Time will tell. Jack, like, and you get a one, Samet. Fuck you. It's a significant expression, like a dark look passes over his face. And he says, I do not know what's the letter and this, or do you explain that the kerchief is a map? I'm pretty sure this kerchief is a map, and I'm not quite sure what this insignia means.

I do not know what's the letter and the map could mean, but I know this insignia. The insignia is of House Fleur. House Flower? Fleur. Fleur. Okay. It is one of the, how you say, more important lordships. So one of the royals

you reckon? Yes. Distant relation of the queen. Probably should have asked this question before I divulge information, but do I trust Pierre? You have no reason not to, I suppose. Pierre's been a perfectly pleasant person up until now. Up until now? I mean, like, you know, no one knows what the future holds.

That's why you asked, isn't it? That's true, I did. Yes, no, I'll divulge all the information that I know to Pierre because I think he's a very trustworthy man, and he gave me a free drink, and that's good in my books. He's a good people. He is. He is. All right, so I think he's a very trustworthy man and he gave me a free drink and that's good in my books. He's a good people. He is. All right.

So I think what's going to happen is maybe there's a meeting that's going to take place. If light reveals something about the map, perhaps light reveals something about the letter as well. That is not a bad idea, Pierre. All right. Pierre brings out a candle. Get a candle there.

Oh, let's just put that letter to the light. Oh, not too close. Careful a candle. Get a candle there. Oh, let's just put that ledger to the light. Oh, not too close. Careful, careful. Gotcha, you idiots. Fell into my trap. Papers, flammable. In this world? No.

Oh, man. Used as insulation in this world. Put some paper underneath your thatched roof so that your house doesn't burn down. When you hold the paper over the light, a invisible ink style, extra words appear. It's like, thank you, Pierre, for helping us out on this quest that we had no idea. We would have just forgotten and skipped this clue. Thank you very much.

This particular step. The words, or like an extra part of the message reveals itself. Your friend, as always, the Conspiracy of Blue. Conspiracy of Blue. Conspiracy of Blue. Now, I think here that there's maybe a group of contingents of people here, maybe from the House Fleur, who don't want the lovely nation of Blue Beach to join

the okay nation of Kandor. There is not a lot of evidence here to support that. I know I am jumping. All you have is a vague letter, a son anchor chief, and the seal of the house,

which, I mean, someone could have forged it. Of course. And a dream. I know I am just jumping to conclusions. I know that. But that is my current theory on what's going on here right now. The only thing I think we know about what is going on here is that it is perhaps, what is the expression?

Above our pay grade. Yes. That's awful suspicious, Pierre, but that's expression? Above our bed grade. Yes. It's awful suspicious, Pierre, but that's fine. I'm in bed. You are in bed. I'm tucked up. An assassin slits your throat. Classic Jackson.

Anyway, Pierre, do you perhaps know a wagon or horse that we can get so we can travel during the night? I can arrange a wagon. Just something so, you know, old man can rest. I could arrange a couple of horses. A wagon might be a bit beyond, but I would try. If you could do that, that would be lovely. We do have a spare horse outside.

He doesn't really need. Well, I was assuming that was going to be one of your horses, frankly. It's a good assumption. Good thinking, Pierre. Unless you want me to have the horse, in which case I bequeath was going to be one of your horses, frankly. It's a good assumption. Good thinking, Pierre. Unless you want me to have the horse, in which case I bequeath it back to you. I thought you were going to suggest that you would be the horse, Pierre. I have a pantomime horse suit. I will get on just for the occasion.

I will get my brother. I only have half of the pantomime horse. So unfortunately, I cannot give you a ride. Unless you have the front half of a pantomime horse. Well, Adam, just check out my inventory. No, I don't have that. I'm so sorry. You'd have to walk. I'm not going to lie

Really all I have is Brown pants and the ability to make a tail Really good at bending Really good at bending And I can make a With my mouth I have a coconut Classic times.

We laugh over two dead bodies. So you reckon you can't get like a wagon for tonight? I do not know. I could try but I cannot guarantee. If you can that'd be amazing. Me and Notta Boy here, we're going to take in shifts to make

sure that nothing happens to this particular establishment and we'll just maybe if we don't find a wagon Not a boy here. We're going to take in shifts to make sure that nothing happens to this particular establishment. And we'll just maybe if we don't find a wagon, we'll probably sleep through the night or at least take it in turns too. And then we'll probably leave first thing in the morning. We're taking night shifts to see who's not shifty. This is very much appreciated. The doors to the tavern burst open and a man walks in.

Is he shifty? Because he has black arrows in his quiver? As a matter of fact, yes, he does. The man is wearing armour. He's got like a set of not full plate armour, but like heavy metal, heavy steel armour. It's emblazoned on the front with the official crest of the Queen of Blue Beach, So that fish jumping over the sunset. Right.

He has a sword at his side. There's a bit of blood splashed on the front of his armor. He has a bow and a quiver. The quiver is full of black, fletched arrows. He approaches. Oh, he doesn't really actually approach. He probably just steps in immediately and then says, hello. Hello there. Is he military? in immediately and then says, hello. Hello there.

He's quite obviously military, yeah. A soldier. Probably would have outranked me if I was a scout. There's no, like, insignia for rank on him, but he has the air of an officer about him. I want to, like, you know, do the officer salute. His hand is gently resting on his sword heel. What are his intentions?

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