D&D is For Nerds - The Last Queen of Bluebeach #8 A Daring Raid

Episode Date: June 9, 2018

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Sans Pants Radio, you're bleedin' me dry! Hello and welcome to episode 8 of The Last Queen of Bluebeach, a D&D's for nerds adventure. Previously. Perhaps as you approach, you remember those bandits you were warned about. Yeah, well, not immediately, see if it's anything wrong. Well, I'm always polite and respectful, so it's like, good day. Hi there, madam, how are you doing this fine morning? This bridge, she stomps her foot on the wooden bridge beneath her, belongs not to you, not to the local monopolies,

not even to the queen herself. She's about to advance on you when someone from the other side of the bridge calls out, on her side of the bridge calls out, Now, now, Jean, there is no reason to uh fight each other hello my name is roberta de hood hello roberta i'm it's a pleasure it's a pleasure to meet you my name is petro if you fight against a corrupt system of course they will label you a and which system would this be the monopoly of families who control all of Blue Beach.

Yes, yes, it's a problem, it's a problem. You must sneak your way into the castle. Meanwhile, we will create a distraction. There is to be today an archery tournament for love for the queen. Everyone, everyone who has married women, repeat the line. I'll repeat it along with you. For love for the queen. For love for the along with you. For love and for the queen. For love and for the queen.

Well, here we go. Well, we tried. We did our absolute best and it just wasn't good enough. Now we've got to kill people. No, no, we don't have to kill them. We've just got to, you know, incapacitate them. Yes, well, whatever it takes. Old man, Petra and Noddy,

the three of you square off against the guards. Adam, could you describe what these people look like? So, the one on the left looks like he takes care of himself, like maybe diet-wise, but he doesn't work out or anything like that. He's got like a blonde curly hair uh green greenish eyes and um enjoys long walks on the beach the one on the right is a another sebastian he um sure that's statistically anomalous. He wears a necklace that has a bunch of different holy symbols on it. Like he can't decide which god he believes in.

Indecisive. He's kind of thicker, but like you can tell there's muscle underneath the fat quite easily. And he has a name tag stitched into his uniform. Oh, what does it say? Oh, Sebastian. Old man. I'll magic missile one of them. Swing my walking stick up to the head and left or right.

It'll be important for her spells later. Which one doesn't have the name tag? The one on the left. I'll go left because that one, old man's like, that's ridiculous. I know she'll be able to get something good out of that one. The pressure! Four arcane bolts of energy leap from your staff directly

into his face. He screams. You deal four, uh, seven, thirteen points, no, twelve points of damage. Good. Oh, he goes down. 7 13 points No, 12 points of damage Oh, he goes down You blow his head off Oh, he died

Oh man You're like You destroy The parts of his head that are left Are just below the eyes And just below the nose Like a curve But the nose, eyes That, nose. Like a curve, sort of like that.

But the nose, eyes, that, if you make a curve underneath them and draw upwards, that's blown off. Oh, old man. You didn't mean to say that. We just had to... That's too sad. That's a bit much.

Oh, no. I feel terrible about that. So it's the Sebastian you didn't hit, right? Yes. All right, cool. So just, you know, careful. Naughty? Yeah, you're right.

So I use vicious knockering. Uh-huh. I'm sorry. Hang on. I'm very excited. No, no, it's too much boy boy

it's hard with the voice boy you're the thickest Sebastian I've ever seen with my own two eyes we gotta pray to a god that you can't pick from. He's laughing because you didn't stop. It works.

It works. You deal four points of damage. Worth it. That hurts me a bit. He starts bleeding from his eyes and then he starts coughing up blood as well. That's good. We're getting him. Petra?

Right, I'm just going to smack him twice around the head non-lethally. Down you go. Smack, smack. By the way, as a bard, you can give us baradic inspiration. Oh! You always say baradic inspiration. Oh. You always say baradic. How? Do I just sing a song?

Yes. As a bonus action. You guys are right. And we can do that. Yeah, as a bonus action, I believe three times a day. Yeah, three times a day. You can give them bonuses. You can do it on your turn as a bonus as well.

Just as a bonus thing, an extra thing that you can do. You can be like, Jackson needs a little help right now. Here, have the bonus. One of my three. Oh, I forgot about that. That's going to happen a lot now. Oh, I know you're non-lethal, aren't you?

Okay. You grab the Sebastian by both of his shoulders, come in close, whisper something beautiful into his ear, and then knee him in the groin. He collapses unconscious. You're a bit of all right. Beautiful. There you go.

I'll just push the body of the other fellow into the mud. That's terrible. It was an accident. He didn't mean to. He was just doing his job. If it had been more trusting, we could have helped him. Look, we can justify it however we want, but I'll be paying for that my whole life.

I ain't got much left. It's not so bad. Well, if you weren't so accurate, I'd be offended. Heights or lows? Let's go with highs. Lows, always go with Lowe's Lowe's, we won't Okay, when you walk in

You see a stable hand He's got like a What do you call it? A saddle for a horse And he's cowering up near One of the stables Like there's nowhere really properly for him to hide It looks like maybe he spotted What you guys did and is terrified.

I'd like him a gold coin. You didn't see nothing, mate. I'd like to shuffle my... Don't worry about it, dude. This is just... Look, nothing to stress yourself with. Can I pull out a boiled sweet and give it to him? You give him a coin, a boiled sweet,

and a lot of trauma that he might eventually one day be able to tell to a therapist. Can I put him to sleep? I mean, I suppose. Do you guys want that? If I put him to sleep? You don't need to be put to sleep, do you, mate? You're doing alright. He shakes his head slowly.

Not knowing what you mean by put to sleep. He's alright. I'll give him a bit of a tussle on the hair. He flinches when you touch him. Right. Not really much else we can do with this. Well, I just want to say to you, boy,

that if you go speaking, you're not going to be speaking for long. This new one is a bit terrifying. What is this? I'm afraid of this one. That's true. I'm just going to keep my distance. He wets himself.

I knew that was going to happen. Yay! Goal achieved! A tick. Actually, where's the gentleman Marty? Do you know? The stable hand with a shaky hand points towards the castle itself, the wooden castle.

All right, let's jog along. I'm very sorry you had to see that. It was just unintentional. Let me leave. All right. You make your way inside. You follow the directions you were given. How well do you remember those directions?

Probably pretty sure. Up, left, up left right down here do a pivot you get there without too much trouble you get to the uh the sheriff's chambers they're quite spacious quite nice set up very beautifully it's like a but it looks more like a boudoir than much else uh chained to the bed, like, kind of loosely, like he can get up and walk around, but he's chained to the bed. He's a very handsome young man. Oh, hello there, dearie. Shush, shush, don't be yelling. We're friends of Roberta.

He sighs with relief. It is a great pleasure to make your acquaintance. My name is the gentleman Marty. He reaches a hand out. I reach out a hand, so I give him a little shake to make your acquaintance. My name is the gentleman Marty. He reaches a hand out. I'll reach out a hand. So give him a little shake.

So we introduce ourselves. Put out my hand. He kisses your back of your hand. I assume this is a rescue. Yes, indeed. Correct you are. Where is my beloved, though? She is performing her archery skills.

She's so talented. Yes, she was saying. She was saying that she's very good at her archery skills. She's so talented. Yes, she was saying. She was saying that she's very good at this archery. I'd like to go over to his lock, whatever he's locked up with, see if I can figure out what's going on. I'm going to look around the room for a key. It's a chain and a lock. All right, good to know.

It's a pretty simple basic setup. On the dresser, too far away from Marty to get to, you find a key, a big brass key. Here's the key for it, I believe, so I go and unlock him. You free him. He thanks each of you in turn, hugs you all, and says, Please, we must make haste. All right, let's go. Anything you need from the sheriff's office you want, Marty?

There is nothing I want, but there is something I wish to do. He walks over to that dresser. There's all these fancy perfumes and makeups laid out on it. He grabs the back of the dresser and gives it a big heave, making it crash to the ground. All the perfumes break. All the makeup mixes and is

destroyed. It smells real bad. It smells too strong. We've got to leave. That's making me feel sick. Perhaps now the sheriff's outside can reflect her inside. Oh, goodness, you're just a golden boy. We'll lead the gentleman, Marty.

On his way out, he makes special note to step on a very nice hairbrush. Oh, flourishes. The flourishes. Okay, you're making your way out. Highs or lows? Lows. Lows? What did you do with the other guard?

You rolled the one you killed into the boat. I don't know. I assume we just left him there, really? We didn't tie him up or anything? I think we just left him there, yeah. All right't tie him up or anything? I think we just left him there, yeah. From a level below you, you hear someone yelling, this way! He said there was this way!

Oh, that child better not have gotten us. That's the best you've done us. Oh, that child. Piss-covered boy. I'd say it's best if you just secrete yourself somewhere away whilst we take care of the rest of the roof.

He nods. Thank you. Thank you. He hides himself as best he can. Oh, yeah. Jeez. Hops into a big vase is what I keep imagining. Perhaps you teach him how to go predator.

We're good. I forget, you guys were going predator earlier. That reminds me of my second husband just disappearing into the night. It's like maybe a suit of armor. You know how a castle will have suits of armor lying around? He climbs into one of those and it's like a perfect disguise. Oh, that's so beautiful. Charging around the corner, a bunch of guards.

I'm going to say four in total appear. You guys get the drop on them, so each of you gets just a free round. Cool. Old man will go with you first. Chromatic orb and let's go fire. Why not? Alright. You hurl a chromatic orb

at the lead guard. It strikes him dead center in his chest. Cook motherfucker. Deal. 19 points of damage. The ball of fire engulfs the guard. He screams, falls to his knee, and then collapses. His body continues to burn.

There we go. Oh, ma'am, you are very powerful. Naughty. Sometimes I can be. You're not strong. Naughty. A brief description of what I'm seeing, please. There are three guards looking at their burning compatriot.

One of them is female. She's in her late 40s. She looks like maybe a reserve guardist, perhaps. Her uniform is a bit slapdash, so perhaps she was in a hurry, like suddenly roused and told what was going on. She is going a bit gray. One of the male guards is probably just came of age. He's got like a broken nose.

It looks like maybe he got broken in a fight and he's got a cut lip. So maybe the fight was recent. He's kind of weedy but he can wield his sword well enough the final one he also has sebastian stitched into his uh armor into his tunic uh he's wearing his tunic upside down he also looks like he came here in quite a hurry. But his armor is a lot more put together than the ladies'. It looks like he focused on his armor, but that's kind of all he spent his time with. Instead of having a proper sword, he just has a club. Maybe a weapon he grabbed along the way.

Okay. Choose carefully here. Every time I have to choose I feel like Lord Farquaad When he has to pick one of the Princesses Oh yeah I know what you mean Pick number three me lord They're all good

Okay I lock eyes with Boy with broken nose And I say Okay, I lock eyes with a boy with a broken nose. Yeah. And I say... I'm so sorry. My boy with a crooked nose looking at a fire. I'm so sorry. You've got a nose like a witch's broom Snickers, crocodiles, shears

You're gonna blow it afire, catch your nose on fire And fly away It just keeps going It just keeps going That's the best part No damage, whatever. Oh, no damage. He resists.

When you try to weave magical words around him. Yeah, it doesn't happen very often. What is he going to feel good about himself for? You don't have a chance. He's just the first one who rolled high enough. Oh, why does he feel good about himself? His self-esteem is too strong. You can't bring him down. I like this one. He's got a chance. He's just the first one who rolled high enough. Oh, why does he feel good about himself? His self-esteem is too strong.

You can't bring him down. I like this one. Does the youth play into it? Youth probably plays a big role, yeah. Petra, it's your turn. Right, I'm going to spend one of my key points, and I'm going to smack each one in turn. All right.

Just bang, bang, and then a bang. Do just a little damage to each of them. Yes. Only. You punch the woman in the face. You miss the kid. You definitely miss Sebastian as well. Never mind, Finn.

Just got them. She'll wave to them like, hello. You launch in among them in a series of blows that perhaps maybe you think will make you look like a big, tough fighter, but actually kind of just makes you look like, you know, just smacking the wall. There I am, just doing a bit of tumbling. That's all right. You deal six points of damage to her.

Well, there's more than one broken nose now. Hey, that's all right. Now, Sebastian's, you run out. Then it is their turn. As you are the only one standing next to them, Petra. That's all right. I thought we got the drop on them. Yeah, we did.

Old man, it's your turn. Oh, yeah. Old man. I'm going to shocking grasp one Alright, you charge forwards Grab which one? Come here you little bitch They're all identified now I'll get the lady

Shocked by the line Come here you little bitch She offers no resistance when you grab her arm What do you want dearie? Ah! You're a mean old woman, old man. You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch. From the termites in your team.

You deal three points of damage. Got her. She starts convulsing. Shit, yes. Then it is Noddy's turn. I use Dissonant whispers Go on On the

On the boy Who resisted My insulting charms I'm gonna get hurt By this Go on You don't have to say A thing for

Dissonant whispers Yeah Oh dissonant whispers Yeah Oh he His self esteem Is just fucking amazing He only takes

Half damage So with this one You still deal damage But he doesn't run away From you. He only takes half damage. So with this one, you still deal damage, but he doesn't run away from you, and he only takes half. As it's happening to him, and I can see he's only getting half damage, I say, watch your secret, boy.

Teach me your ways. It's pain every day for me. You deal four points of damage to him, and he says, have courage! The abotic inspiration, come on Oh yeah, give someone abotic if you want She said, yes I'm with my friends and my friends are fighting

And all my friends are gonna fight real good And my friends are gonna fight real good Kill them, kill them, kill them, kill them What are we gonna do with you? friend and I fight real good. Kill him, kill him, kill him, kill him, kill him. What are we gonna do with you? That's a chorus. That's real good. I made you laugh?

Is it double inspiration? No. That's a shame. Who are you giving it to? Petra. Petra? Alright. Then it is Petra's Petra? All right. Then it is Petra's turn.

Right. Then I'm going to use my last key point and smack all of them again. We're trying this time. Hopefully with my help of my good friend, Noddy. Definitely hit the woman. Smack her. You hit the weedy kid. Yes. You miss Noddy.

Not Noddy. You miss Sebastian. So I got the little shit kid? Yeah, so you sweep low, knock the female guard to the ground. Then you kick her once. Oh, no, you don't knock her to the ground. You sweep low. She trips.

And as she's in the air, you kick her, like donkey kick her. And then she flies into a window, out the window, and towards the ground. What story are we on? Towards the ground. You're on like the third story. I did not mean to do that. That was not on me.

I feel very pleased. You grab the weedy little kid's arm, wrench it. You hear a snap. That one was lethal damage, by the way. Oh, this is lethal? Yes. Oh, cool. You grab the arm.

Now I can feel better about what I'm going to describe. Grab the arm, wrench it. No respect. You hear a snapping sound, and part of his bone sticks out through his elbow. He screams in pain. You grab that bone and yank, tearing one of his bones out of his elbow. He screams in pain. You grab that bone and yank, tearing one of his bones out of his arm.

His arm begins to just like flop around. He looks like, you remember in Harry Potter, Harry Potter like- He splings or whatever. Yeah, like his arm goes all rubber or whatever. Imagine that, except there's like a line like all down his arm. You know, whenever you pick some skin at the bed of your rubber or whatever. Imagine that, except there's like a line, like all down his arm. You know whenever you pick

some skin at the bed of your nail or whatever, and you're afraid that you're going to tear a line up your finger? That, but with a bone in his arm. Adam, stop! Adam, what? Adam, no!

We didn't do anything to deserve this. There's good people, Adam. God. The kid looks down at the arm, up at you, and faints. That's probably to die for. Probably for the best. Yeah, he doesn't need to see that anymore. He doesn't need to be aware of this.

God, all he had was courage. The final guard turns tail and runs. Untouched. Sebastian. Sebastian turns tail and runs.ouched Sebastian Sebastian turns tail and runs Classic Sebastian behaviour Cowardly Sebastian Sebastian's famously do not run

Not a single one has run from a fight with you guys Except this one He'd be a shame to the other Sebastian He brings shame upon the Sebastian name Can we like, I don't know, mark him? Tag him? So we know if we see him again No, no, I just want to know

Are we going to be able to recognise this Sebastian if we see him again? Burn his name in her heads. You're right, you have a decent chance. Okay, I just want to let us know if we recognise this Sebastian. Obviously this Sebastian one more time. Yeah. Gentlemen, Marty, you can hop out of that suit of armour there. We sorted it out.

He steps off the little platform that the suit of armour is in and says, perhaps I will travel like this. Oh, that's not the worst idea. Not a bad idea. Good on you. Yes, certainly. I feel real bad about killing that boy. Yes.

The rage took over. He missed my first punch and I got real angry. Yes, I can say that. We've all done things we're not proud of. I just ruined him. In his unconscious state, he cries. Can I stabilise him? Yeah, sure state, he cries. Can I stabilize him? Yeah, sure.

Does he want to live like this? You stabilize him. All right, then. He's going to live. That's good, then. Then we're like, all right. Then we leave. We'll head...

I'm sure they coward Sebastian. Marty accidentally crushes his head as he walks past. Yeah, we'll head back into the forest. All right. You get head back into the forest. Infernally. Alright, you get back out into the courtyard. You get back across the bridge. The guard that you left unconscious on the bridge is no longer there.

No stable boy either? Sorry? No stable boy either? No, he's not there either. That's alright then. You can see the saddle where he was cowering before, but he's not there. Any horses? Yeah, probably. Alright, grab one for Marty.

Do we bring horses here? No, you didn't bring them here. Let's just bring some horses. Grab some horses. You each grab a horse and ride off into the forest. Cool. You make it back. Either you guys remember the way

or Marty just tells you the way. He knows. He snuck out of the castle more than once to go see Robin the Hood. Roberto. Roberto, sorry. Did you know that Robin is gender neutral? Fuck you. I'd heard

Roberto is more Spanish. More French, certainly. I heard Roberta is more Spanish. More French, then. I feel like Robin's more French, but whatever. There we are. Anyway, you make it back to Roberta D. Hood and her merry woman's camp. Is she there?

No, she hasn't returned yet. Okay, well, we'll hunker down and wait around. Have a bit of a rest. A celebration starts kicking off, though. People are happy to have Marty back. He starts, you know, celebrating among them. He's very popular. You know, like, you know, everyone seems to want to come up, shake his hand, talk with him, and he's happy to talk with them.

He is a very nice tall drink of water. While you guys are waiting, he doesn't buy you a drink because the friar is giving them out for free. But he certainly takes each one of you a drink and thanks you all individually. Not a problem, Marty. Don't worry, Marty. He's very polite. I'm very polite back to him. Yeah, absolutely. He kisses each of you on both cheeks.

Oh, that's very kind. This is very, very sweet of him. I understand this is custom. This is very, very sweet of him. I understand this is custom. Eventually, you're not waiting for too long when little Joanne, Roberta de Hood and her merry woman return to the camp and then the festivities kick off proper. Everyone's very happy.

The lovers greet each other with a passionate kiss. That is just absolutely beautiful Isn't that just the sweetest thing you ever say? It reminds me of my second husband Before you know everything that happened All the troubles, yes And you guys celebrate through the night? Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely

Roberta promises to take you tomorrow to Blue Beach Maybe you tell her that you need to be there at X time Or whatever And she says that she can assure that you'll get there Wonderful Do we know anyone, like any of the mage users? to be there at X time or whatever. And she says that she can assure that you'll get there. Wonderful. While we're here, do we know anyone, like, any of the mage users, any, like, magic users that might be able to help us with this? The friar, the priestess is a magic user.

Maybe try and maybe ask her if she maybe knows anything about this kind of magic on the note. Oh, the note. It was on the note, wasn't it? Yes. See if she can shake it. She shakes her head. I'm sorry, but this magic is beyond me Maybe ask Roberta Hood

Because she's a bit of a thief, a bit of a scoundrel If maybe any kind of coded messages That we're missing On the things Roberta gives it a look over and says It is quite curious If you don't tell her about invisible ink She points it out to you

She says I do not know what this is about, but it is quite curious. Certainly there is some evil afoot among the lords and ladies of this land. That's what we're thinking. I think the queen's life might be in danger. I am no friend

to them, so I am glad to help you in your indents. Thank you so much. Can you tell her about of about the conspiracy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She gets like a very dark expression. She's like, this is very important. I'm glad that we met.

It is perhaps destiny that we met. I believe it very much. That's very nice. I can assure you that I will guard you and your note with my life. And should you fail, I promise that I will take up the cause for you. You are too kind. You are too kind. Very sweet.

Should we show her the map? Yes, we show her the map as well. Here's the map. I lift up my shirt and say, here's the map, and then turn around and say, here's the map. We tried a couple of different options. They weren't all great. But here's the actual map.

Thank you. But like, you know, how good are those amps? Yeah, oh my goodness, tell you what. I know the location. This particular stretch of beach, it is a place that the queen likes to visit sometimes. She goes there to think.

It's an isolated part, place. Do you reckon we stumbled upon Like an assassination Attempt I think we might Very well have I would happily Give my life

For the queen If I wished to do Arm to the queen I would attack her While she was here That is sinister For love And for queen

For love And for queen For love And for queen I feel very tense About this Perhaps I will wake you up Very early tomorrow morning

And we will ride as soon as day breaks Sounds like an excellent plan I'm just going to have a I'll go to sleep It's pretty much after that conversation Oh yeah, Roberta Like kind of Almost ends the festivities

For her For herself at least Cool That's fair enough You guys Focused and sober in the morning Yes Sleep well enough through the night Eventually the party dies down herself at least. Cool. That's fair enough. Focused and sober in the morning. You guys sleep well enough through the night.

Eventually the party dies down. Sometime before morning, each of you awaken in turn though by a figure standing over you, a large figure shaking you. It's little Joanne. She whispers in you, you must get up. The sheriff and his men are closing in upon our position. Oh no, I can't stop.

Goodness. This is not. Get up. Goodness. This is not great. This is not great at all. Okay. Let's get ready. You will be traveling with Roberta. Everyone else will be staying behind. We will provide and we will help you escape.

Thank you very much. Thank you very much. You've been so kind. Just absolutely lovely hosts. Let's find Roberta. Joan says there are horses for you waiting outside your tent. One more thing. I wish to apologize for my behavior on the bridge.

It's all right. You were just doing your job. You were just doing your job. You didn't know who we were. We didn't know who you were. It was a bit of a tense, you know, lack of breaking and communication. We didn't talk. What if we had been scoundrels?

Exactly. What if we had been scoundrels? That would have been absolutely the right move. Never apologize. You know what? Here's five gold just for me because you know what? I do not need your money. Are you sure?

Because I just want to donate to the cause. She gets a pained expression. She says, I do not think I will be needing money. What is this last stand, is it? Perhaps. We will be covering both you and the escape of our innocence. Marty and all the non-compatents. Anything we can do to help that.

I just don't like to see any... Other than staying behind, which could put your mission in jeopardy. There is nothing much you could do. I feel real bad for this little one. I target my collar. There is nothing much you could do. I feel real bad for this little one. I tug at my collar. Hey, you're doing so good for this world and doing so good for Blue Beach. She puts like a hand underneath your chin to lift your head up.

Keep your head up. Keep your spirits up. You will need them in the days to come. Thank you. Thank you, little one. You're wonderful. Wonderful people. Wonderful people.

So kind. Going for a hug. Yeah, she hugs back. We'll have a hug in the tent. Yes. A kind of weird crouch hug. Back down, quickly. You must go. You must go. Quickly.

We'll jump on our horses. The sheriff's men approach. We should. We should. We're all the luck in the world. We the moose. You climb outside the tent. There, Roberta Duhood is saddling the horses for you guys.

She's in quite a hurry as well. She says, quickly, quickly, onto the horses. There's no time to waste. Clamber aboard. She climbs up as well. She says, you must follow me. Keep your heads down and no matter what you hear, no matter what you see, follow me. Only follow me.

Alright. You're asking quite a lot of us. I do want to protect these people, but you know what? We have a mission to take. For love and for Queen. You ride off into the sunrise. Behind you, you hear the sounds of a commotion and a battle begins. Around you, at some point, you hear the sounds of heavy grunting

or maybe even sometimes combat. And every now and then you hear someone yell, You stop in the name of the sheriff! But you ride through all of that. Once or twice, maybe even someone reaches out and grabs you or your horse, but you just power through. And it's all behind you eventually.

Those poor merry women. That hurt. Wish them luck. With one hand I give, with the other I take. No, I guess, you know, my ideal is for the greater good. Yeah, look. Hey, get a point of inspiration. My ideal is...

What the fuck's my ideal? My ideal is if I ever meet a Roberta DeHood, I will protect her people. Shit. Ah, no. Jackson, what? How did you know? Is Jackson psychic? Find out next time on The Last Queen of Blue Beach,

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