D&D is For Nerds - The Lonely Tower #1 The Creature Hunts

Episode Date: March 18, 2023

A recently down on their luck Fish and her “trusty” “automaton” that she is “totally in control of” and “not at all sentient” get hired to hunt a real big fish. Unbeknownst to the crew, they're not the only one on the hunt.Want ad-free and even more bonus content? Just check out the Imagination Adventures show page on Apple podcasts! Music by the ever wonderful Lepidora, you can check out her music here. And head to peddlerspress.store to peruse our D&D themed merch store and help support the show! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem. You're listening to the Sandspants Network. The town of Fairburn Point is nestled near the Kirkman Channel. On the other side of the Kirkman Channel is a place known only to the locals as the Lonely Tower. A imposing presence on the horizon. Something that people would best just forget. It's night time. Raining heavily.

The wind and the rain lashes against the Lonely Tower as it views distantly Fairburn Point, which is similarly being absolutely buffeted by the winds and the rain. The Kirkman Channel, at the best of times, is a dangerous place to be. The people of Fairburn Point aren't really aware of this because there is no such thing as a statistician to come out and check these things. But the Kirkman Channel has a curiously higher death toll

than any other part of fishing, than any other fishing spot in the world for fish no for the people who fish upon it see that's not that's the opposite of what you want beneath the waves something even scarier is happening something that the people of fairburn point not just don't know about but if they did about, would probably add it to that long list of things they wish not to speak of. In Fairburn Point, in an unnamed tavern, because all the taverns in Fairburn Point don't have names. In an unnamed tavern in Fairburn Point, the two of you sit.

You are familiar with each other? Yeah, absolutely. Please describe yourselves. Cass, would you like to go first? My name's Fish. Sure. It's a nickname I've gone with since I was a kid. I started fishing.

All the other kids were into their wizard accounting and such. I just got into fishing. I think I was – I'm not good at it, but I think I'm fine at it, so I've stuck with it. I got super robbed the other week. Oh, man. Yeah, they took everything. Not my net, because I was using that to sleep under.

Oh, okay. That's a blanket. Yeah. You're living rough. Yeah, well, they took the blanket. Sounds like there wasn't much to take. Yeah. There was not much to take.

But I did make a really good friend the other week. I think. I think, right? We're friends, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Speaking of, Jackson. I am so helpful. I am a iron golem that I imagine washed up on the shore near wherever Cass's fishing hut is.

Oh yeah, the morning after I got robbed. Very little memory of where I came from, but I guess immediately pledging allegiance to fish, or at least seeing fish as an ally. Yeah, I don't really remember where I came from. I don't really remember anything about my past. I know I have to basically hide my sentience in Fairburn Point. Yes. I guess maybe I've learned I need to hide my sentience in Fairburn Point or I will be extinguished.

Yes. I thought it was pretty cool that, you know, I lost everything, took my net out to the sea, saw what I could find and found this guy. I was like, oh my god, if I've got my very own iron golem, I can start to build my life back up. Turns out, he was a guy in it. Like now I've got a friend?

You can't rob a friend! Maybe you picked me up in your net, like through your net into the sea and dragged me. Oh yeah, it went out, I'm I'm like hmm this is so many boots the people of Fairburn Point do not appreciate outsiders the people of this entire area beyond Fairburn Point do not appreciate outsiders

and they will sometimes count people from the nearby villages as outsiders sometimes actually I should say typically though these sorts of outsiders are at least the sorts of outsiders who know not to say certain things. So perhaps they're more tolerated than others. But people from faraway lands or, heaven forbid, adventurers are the sort of people

who don't know that there are some things that you just don't talk about. And as such, they are treated with more than just suspicion, perhaps outright hostility. It is dangerous to be an outsider on the streets of Fairburn Point. And so helpful you are as outsider as they come. Yeah, I have to disguise myself as property. Basically, yeah. If it were not for the fact that you are quite adept at pretending to only be able to take orders and have no independent thought of your own if it were not for that the people of this tavern would be tearing you apart i guess i'm just sitting

in a booth across from you it's weird to have me sitting at a table but maybe that maybe i am or maybe i'm up against the wall where do i think would be the most like the tavern is very i'll get to this in a moment the tavern is very crowded so there might not be a seating space available fair enough maybe I'll just be standing up against a wall then or outside even I don't know if you hitch me like a horse

I mean you wouldn't be too worried about the wind and rain so it wouldn't affect you too much I mean it would be maybe a little lonely. I want to bring him in. All right. I'll come inside. Anyone who talks to me, I'm like, this is my guy.

I've got one of those crystals in my brain. He does what I, yeah, that's how they work, right? The brain crystals, yeah? Nobody knows. Yeah, why not? Yeah, I've got the brain crystal and he does what I say. And I think it's funny if we make him drink a beer. I've got the brain crystal and he does what I say.

And I think it's funny if we make him drink a beer. Fish, you and Sir Helpful are just in that beautiful, you have fallen into that beautiful sweet spot of the sorts of things that the people of Fairburn Point would rather just not talk about. And so while you were never given respect, kindness, sometimes even the time of day. While you are not given any of these things, you are at the very least, so long as you keep yourself to yourself and don't speak, you are left alone. Done.

Which, to be honest, in a place like this is the most you could possibly hope for. In a place like this, I wish I did have a brain crystal to talk to. As I said, this tavern is absolutely packed. The nearby town of Sunsen has undergone a pretty catastrophic and awful event where a magical explosion tore through the center of town, killing a lot of people and forcing a lot of refugees here to Fairburn Point, the nearest large major city. And so the tavern is teeming with not just the regular

fishermen but also the people from sunson refugees essentially people who have been turfed out and have nowhere else to go and the people of fairburn point have been not kind i mean as kind as the people of fairburn point can be yeah yeah so they certainly have tolerated their existence they're allowed in the tavern. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's something. Okay, that's actually pretty impressive. Yeah, that's quite a lot. From Fair Burn Point? Yeah. I grew up here. I see these new people, I'm like,

ugh. The people of Sansan have brought with them, though, something that, once again, this is kind of... Fish, this is something you have been more acquainted with than you so helpful. This is something you still may be a little new to. But the people of Sunsen brought with them something that existed here in Fairburn Point that you knew was here. But that, once again, it was that thing that you never really talk about.

But now that the people of Sunsen are here, it's kind of been done. It's testing the locals' ability to not say shit. testing the locals' ability to not say shit. Because what was once something that was done only in back alleys and in hidden private rooms is now being done quite openly right here in the centre of the tavern. You can see a bunch of people from Sunsen are all sitting around one joint table, hand in hand, chanting something to each other as a bowl filled with viscera and bleach white bones rattles slowly i'd like to

imagine my i imagine i have like two burning red eyes in my sort of like iron helmet or whatever like staring at that for ages and then money oh i start patting myself down i pat myself down as well you know i think i i think i got some money oh fish got some money so helpful got no money so helpful got no pockets are you dung dung dung dung so helpful got no pockets are you not wearing clothes? no I don't imagine I imagine it's like a full kind of like an animate suit of armor

sure sure sure kind of yeah padding all over I find a little bag that used to be full of bait now it's got 10 gold coins gold pieces I won them gambling that used to be full of bait. Now it's got 10 gold coins. Gold pieces.

I won them gambling. How much have we... I gambled the bait. If you've been robbed, do you still have those 10 gold coins? I got robbed three weeks ago. Yeah, we've remade the money. Selling fish. I've been helping.

This is all I've made in three weeks. That's it. It's not looking good. Fish brings the fish up in a net and I just punch them until they're dead. Punch them into submission. We're the only ones who are offering non-suffocated fish.

It's really good for these people and their spells. We can make an instant chum. That's pretty good for these people and their spells. Kind of like a fish mulch. Yeah, we can make an instant chum. That's pretty good. Fresh chum! Fresh chum! So the way fishing in Fairburn Point works is there are a core dedicated group of people who will just go down to the docks or the beach somewhere nearby

and will fish from the shore or from a dock. But there are a number, quite a lot of boats, which will brave the Kirkman Channel. Once again, you would not know that this is unusual, but the chances of dying on the Kirkman Channel are way higher than they should be anywhere else. It's, once again, one of those things that people don't talk

about. Sometimes a boat full of people won't come back, and no one really talks about why. Oh, okay. I wanted to ask, is 10 gold pieces too much to have? it is quite a lot but whatever we can just move on I have one gold piece is that enough for two beers? I think

one gold piece is quite for beers beers wise you can get quite a lot of beers with one gold piece you'll be able to pay with your meager earnings for a yeah three weeks worth of work, baby! Equivalent one gold piece! So, Huffle, you know you don't drink, right?

Yeah, well, she thinks it's... Fish keeps saying, I guess to keep the illusion going, it's funny to make me drink. So I imagine I've been taking beers and just throwing them on my face. You know part of you is wood, right? No! I'm going to be stinky rotting yeah well do you don't want beers so helpful want whatever so helpful told to want well it is funny

to make you drink a beer anyway back to the boats. So if you were a sailor, someone skilled or adept at sailing, you will be part of just like a formless group of people who have such a skill. And then people who own boats will come to tavern after tavern, just trying to recruit people to go on to sail on a ship. There's no, and then you'll get paid for every but by every captain or whatever a certain cut of whatever the the boat pulls in different captains have different rules for how they run their ship but there are no consistent crews on a consistent ship yeah it's a very yeah it's a very kind of first come first serve sort of system i think that's called a lay

you get a lay oh yeah i'm reading moby dick at the that's called a lay. You get a lay. Oh, yeah. I'm reading Moby Dick at the moment. This has come up. You get a lay and it's like first lay is the most amount of money of the cut going down and down and down until you're at like 777th lay and stuff. Sure, sure, sure. You could get not much for three years at sea. That's wild. Yeah. What about the memories?

Oh, yeah. You're rich in memories. Absolutely. But, yeah, the memories oh yeah you're rich in memories absolutely but yeah the different captains have different systems and some might yeah literally do a the first person gets the most the second person gets the second most etc etc some people might do a more equitable fair share although there would be literally no captain that gives an equal amount to every person. Every single captain earns at least a little bit more than the sailors that they bring in. Both of you

are... Look to the front. Actually, the entire tavern looks to the front door, with the exception of that group around the table in the center. They're busy? They're in the middle of something else. Oh, one thing actually you would note is that they have, this is a, I would describe this as a recent development.

Maybe this is something you haven't noticed because anytime this sort of stuff happens, you purposely just focus on your mug and you don't think about what's happening. But they have recently started adding a single rose to the bowl. It looks like the rose is growing out of the gore. Well, it's working. Yeah, yeah, whatever they're doing.

Is it the kind of thing I would even think to think about, or is it the kind of thing that I would just blank? Well, you were not literally born yesterday, but we're not far off it. Yeah, okay. So maybe everything is kind of like, well, if everyone here is acting normal. Yeah, nobody's saying anything strange about that. Sure, fair enough. Oh, my God.

You were born sexy yesterday. Yeah, I was born sexy yesterday. Oh, my God. I got to teach you how to laugh. Oh, it feels yuck to even joke about. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But, Fish, you might find this a very strange new development,

that there is a rose now growing out of the gore. You can see the thorns on the rose are leaking blood. Yeah. Anyway, that's happening. Everyone except that group turns to the doors to the tavern, which explode inward. At this point in the night, anyone who's going to be drinking in the tavern is here in the tavern at this point.

So for someone to come in and out is weird and the sort of thing that maybe implies oh no stranger danger to the locals of fairburn point cool cool cool an urgency i imagine like this is not just a casual entrance okay everyone i know is here already yeah you i do you reckon uh i definitely didn't meet the person who robbed me yeah That's true. Never mind, I'm down to one again. An ally. With a heavy boot footfall and then a solid cluck of a peg leg, a woman walks in. She's a half elf, you can see that immediately,

which marks her as at least a little bit unusual within a Fairbairn point. Is that because she's missing a limb? She's only half an elf? I guess. She'd be a quarter elf. Well, you don't know what part of her leg was, so she could be quarter human or quarter elf. It's hard to say.

But anyway, a half-elf woman steps inside. She wears clothes well enough to mark her as, quite obviously, a captain. The captains tend to dress a little bit better than just the sailors around here. But as she steps in, you can see in one hand she's rolling around a crystal, like a large, it looks like it might be a ruby. She's rolling it between her fingers.

Fancy. And in her other hand, not an other hand, one of her many hands. That dame, what she lacks in game, she's got in hands. In her other hand, she has a rat, which she pulls to her. Oh, okay. All right. She pulls the rat to her ear and leans in as if she's listening to it as she stares across at the silent tavern with just the deep of the chanting going on uh i need she says looking

around i need sailors uh maybe turning my head to fish oh yes fish need money yeah what kind of sailors do you need anyone who sails in the midnight in the rain. No one else is putting up their hand. Everyone kind of turns away, slowly filing her back under things not to be spoken about. Wait, like now? Yes.

I need sailors ready. Brave sailors ready to risk life and limb for... She looks at you. She can see you're hesitating. She sees that you were at first brave sealer ready to risk life and limb for she looks at you she can see you're hesitating she sees that you were right first you were interested but now you're hesitating double the normal rate

ooh um so okay so I'd I'd maybe be interested what I want to know is I've got maintenance fees for this guy I just stare blankly at her with my burning red eyes I'd need be interested. What I want to know is I've got maintenance fees for this guy. I just stare blankly at her with my burning red eyes. I'd need more than double.

I'll pay you triple then. Okie dokie. I give a big metal thumbs up. I made him do that. She did. I got crystal in my brain. She does. The captain, well, you need to make a deception check.

I grab the captain's hand and start shaking it. Good deal, good deal, good deal. Oh, no. Oh, no. It's gone wrong already. Immediately, the captain looks at you, so helpful with suspicion, but you can see she's too desperate for people. Thank God. Am I shaking her hand?

Is it working? You're shaking her... Well, what hand? Rat or... Rat or ruby. Which way, Western man? It seems rude to shake the ruby. I don't want to seem like I'm rubbing it. If you stick out for the hand with the rat, she puts the rat on her shoulder. The rat stares you dead in the eyes, Fish, and... Uh-oh.

That's bad. The rat stares you dead in the eyes, and that's bad the rat stays you dead in the eyes and then it turns around to the captain and you see it literally whispers something into her ear oi

the captain when wow you're too busy actually to really speak because when she puts the cat when she puts the rat

sorry on her shoulder she leans in and returns your not your hug sorry your handshake quite vigorously come with me the cat when she puts the rat yeah sorry on her shoulder she leans in and returns your heart not your hug so your handshake quite vigorously yeah come with me then she turns around good and stalks back out of the tavern come on so helpful yes uh i'll follow you and as we leave maybe i'll like bend down imagine i'm quite tall and you're half no i'm a human oh you're a halfling. No, I'm a human. Oh, you're a human. Okay. I bend down. But I'm short. Easy mistake to make.

I bend down and be like, fish didn't pay. I didn't hear that. It's crazy that I made him say that. Let's leave. You're going to be in a lot of trouble. I write myself off. Wait, really?

Oh, yeah. The tavern, everyone knows everyone here. Oh, okay. Then I go pay. I can't just sneak out. Okay. Fair enough. Okay, good. Hey, okay, then I go pay. I can't just sneak in, okay. Fair enough, okay, good. Hey, I just saved our arses, that's good.

It'll cost you but a silver piece, which you hand them your one gold piece and they hand you back nine silver as change. Good to hear, good to hear. You head down from the tavern to the docks. All of the taverns in Fairbone Point are close to the docks because the only people who dwell in the taverns, oh, well, no, actually, sorry, there would be some further away,

but all of the taverns are either near the coal mine or they're near the shores. It's one or the other. If you live in Fairburn Point, you either work in one of these two vocations. There's literally nothing else to do. Pretty literally nothing else to do. As you walk through, you can see, at Fairburn Point for the last maybe month or so,

has had quite an elevated number of town guards walking around. You would know, both of you would know that a number of these people come from Sunson. A lot of the refugees from Sunson, most of them were picked up as members of the town guard or the town militia.

You see that they're walking around just doing their own thing. And, yeah, the numbers of patrols have been greatly increased. There's talk, some rumors that the two of you would know about, about making adventurers illegal. Oh, wow. In Fairburn Point itself. Thank God I'm just a mere fisher. Certainly you would have seen a noticeable uptick

in the number of adventurers who have been arrested recently, which the locals consider quite a good thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Adventurers bring trouble. Yeah, bring nothing but arseache. I agree. Big egg and arse. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm glad.

Anyway, you get to, on one of the docks, you can see one of the ships, the only ship here, that is being currently made ready to set sail. You can see with the wind and the rain, they look like crazy people. And you think to yourself, well, I guess I'm about to join them. You see that there are currently, one, two, three, four, five people currently working on the ship itself.

As you approach, the captain turns around and almost as if like an afterthought, like they just realized they should be doing this. Yeah. They put a hand on their chest and say, Captain Bell Bottom, you are? Bell Bottom. Bell Bottom? Bell Bottom. Dunk. Sir Helpful. Fish. Extend a hand. Bell bottom. Bell bottom. Bell bottom. Donk. Sir helpful.

Fish. Extend a hand. It's wet. You shake hands again. She gestures at the ship and you see a human climbing one of the, there's two masts to the ship. You see the main mast, the rear one, you see a human climbing up the top to let loose some sails. She gestures to that person and says, Arthur Bellany.

She gestures to, then you can see someone is hoisting up the anchor on the ship. Jim the one, or just Jim. Jim the one? Jim the one, yeah. Or just Jim. There is a halfling who is letting loose all of the ropes connecting the ship to the docks. Cook! Yeah, it gets tough.

Then after the... Coal thing? Yeah, the coal thing, whatever that is. Not the soft drink, obviously. A hot drink? Yeah, I don't even know what. All drinks are wet. And hard.

There's another human helping that halfling, letting loose all of the ropes. Tipper. All right. And then finally, there's one more human who looks like they're just doing some final checks around the side of the ship, making sure there's no damage

and any barnacles might be clear of causing hassle. The Matrix Revolutions. There we go. There it is. You can set your watch to it, I think. You know? Okay. I'll just call them Matrix.

Yeah. Tonight, we hunt for a specific entity, the golden cod. The two of you know of this. The golden cod is a giant, simply enormous, a fish the size of maybe bigger than a dolphin, actually. Maybe the size of a killer whale, actually. A cod of a golden hue, the size of a killer whale, actually. A cod of a golden hue, the size of a killer whale. It is a highly sought-after prize. The two of you immediately realize why you're doing this at this time in these specific conditions.

The golden cod has only ever been sighted at night in the rain. Do I have a sense of how dangerous this is? It's incredibly dangerous okay there is i i would you would honestly give yourself a higher chance of the ship capsizing than you finding the golden cod second question do i have a good sense of how mortal fish is like i like you know with my flimsy understanding of how a human being works, like, do I sense that this could... You know what I'm getting at? No.

Really don't. Sorry, are you trying to ask me if you know that fish are mortal? Yeah. No, me. Fish. Oh, fish the person. Yeah, this is not going to cause any fucking complications. I mean Like, is this the kind of thing where I would be worried for fish, do you think?

Or have I just sort of never seen fish? Well, that's kind of a question for fish Fish, how close to the bone do you run most of your adventures? Yeah Oh, I mean, you know, I'm certainly not putting in the work Oh, okay Probably not, to be honest Yeah, cool, cool, I think certainly not putting in the work. Oh, okay. Probably not, to be honest. Yeah, cool, cool.

Yeah, I think this will be fine then. I bring up, I have no qualms with what's about to happen. Fish, you are certainly aware, like I said, there is a greater chance of you capsizing and drowning than there is of you finding the golden cod. Can we get paid in advance? Captain Bell Barham looks at you and says, all right, make a persuasion check, actually.

Fish, what's your persuasion? It's good. Was that a lie? The captain shakes her head and says, I need the golden cod to pay you. What if, all, alright, alright. Fair enough, fair enough. Triple the normal rate for the

golden cod is enough to retire. Oh my god. Okay, yeah. This is a lot of money. Captain Bell Barham gestures to... I don't want to describe it as... It's also moored at these same docks. I would not describe it as a boat. Not anymore. It's more like

the skeleton. What's the remains. It's more like the skeleton. What's the remains? It's more like some free-floating planks that have been tied to part of the dock. And you can see some very bedraggled-looking sailors slowly slinking their way back into town. They saw it. It's out tonight. It hunts. And as it hunts

So shall we How We hunt You step onto the boat with her She takes you to the front of the boat And you can see there is a giant Attached to the front of the boat There is a giant harpoon gun

You can tell it's of gnomish design Some of the people here in Fairburn Point Will occasionally The gnomes aren't too far away So they will occasionally You will encounter gnom people here in Fairburn Point will occasionally, the gnomes aren't too far away, so they will occasionally, you will encounter gnomish technology in Fairburn Point. I let out one of those whistles that's like woo! I invent a sprawl plank so I do it. Hang on. Like that? Yeah. I do one of those.

Alright, the way it works is there is like a spring mechanism, which then, when it's released, sends the harpoon. The harpoon has several slots to fit into a gear track, and then it is forced along the gear track and then fired with a lot of force out the end. There are two side by side, so the thing can fire twice before reloading.

You see that both of them are attached to some heavy-looking ropes, which are attached, once again, to the boat. Okay. Cool, cool, cool, cool. All right. So this fish could rip the ship apart. Oh, it almost certainly will, the captain says with a crazy-looking smile. Uh-oh. Will it fit on the boat i plan on perhaps we shall

have to drag it behind us that's all right so we just need to just need to kill it the boat would be slightly larger okay so we'll be then you're on towing it Alright Do you reckon Nope, don't want to give Gameway Nevermind, I say nothing to my good friend Mr. So Helpful Mr. So Helpful Yes Is good at punching

I'll need him for more than Punching, she says She gestures to This ship would have one deck. It's not really a, this ship isn't meant to be lived on. So there's only one deck below. And from a look on the outside, you can tell that this ship also has oars. They've not been stuck out yet.

Oh, yeah. But the ship does have oars. She gestures to below decks and says, There will not be a lot of opportunity for us to use the sails. But a creature such as this, she says, gesturing to you so helpful, should be able to give us some power independent of sails.

Well, they don't call him so helpful. I didn't call him so helpful for nothing. Mr. Bellany, she calls up. She has to yell, scream almost, over the rain and the wind. As Mr. Bellany, she calls up. She has to yell, scream almost, over the rain and the wind. As Mr. Bellany, you can see him tightening the ropes around the sails. Mr. Bellany, get down here now. Show Sir Helpful here what he must do. With a simple action, Mr. Bellany slides down the main mast, lands on the ground, turns around, and he is, frankly, inappropriately dressed.

He has, imagine like a pirate that would be like a sailor in the Caribbean. Oh, that rules. It is so cold. He must be freezing, but it doesn't seem to bother him none. Follow me. I glance at Fish because I'm not sure what we've established how I work. So I glance at Fish for instructions. Oh, yeah.

I'll have to come because I got the crystal in my hand. Yeah, let's go. All right. Then the two of you follow me. All right. We'll follow him downstairs. Mr. Baloney takes you below decks. You can see there are several sets of seats with oars on them.

Mr. Bellany, as he's getting you situated, he puts you maybe up the back of the ship because he determines that that's where you'll be able to affect the ship the most. Cool, cool, cool. As he's getting you settled in, you can see there are manacles. They don't put them on you, but you can see there are manacles. Oh, no. Lodge that away.

While that's happening as well, a bunch of the other crew come down. Jim the One and Tipper. Both of them are situated a little further along. Are they manacled? No, they're not manacled. But they're going to be rowing the oars as well. It's good. It's funny that I will not be given a break

because they're like, you can just leave him down there effectively forever. Mr. Bellany looks at you, Fish, and says, are there any special considerations we need to make? Can it get wet? Covered in beer on my face. I wouldn't dunk him, no. He's wood.

Can he swim? No. No. No. No. Hey, before you were my, did you ever swim? I think I can sink really good, but I don't think I can swim. No, no. I think I'll be okay really good i don't think i can swim no no i think i'll be okay underwater because i don't think i need to breathe but i don't think i can swim if i'm

down there i'm not getting back up until i walk back out onto the shore mr bellany quite clearly does not know enough about magic to understand that it is weird the conversation the two of you are having maybe you're trying to i'm guessing you're not having the conversation like the two of you are having. Maybe you're trying to... I'm guessing you're not having the conversation like the two of you are having the conversation. No, no, no, no. You're trying to... It's through a lot of glances where you're like,

he can't, can't, and I'm giving imperceptible little nods. He can't... No, no. Mr. Bellany does not know enough about magic to pick up on how weird the interaction the two of you are having is. Sorry, secondhand. I don't have the warranty. Yeah, bought for a pittance at a market somewhere.

Yeah, no, don't get him wet. Don't put him in the drink. Do let me know if there's any issues um and i command you to row to start rowing not right now no no no stop rowing just do do what this guy says about the rowing um if you get in trouble you know don't row yourself to death you know like don't don't die come up if you need help. Should I give you a minute? Says Mr. Bellany. No, I think that about covers it.

Understood, fish. Yeah, okay, good. Yeah, if you get, yeah. Don't die. Keep rowing. But so helpful can take break from rowing if rowing making so helpful tired. Oh, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mr. Bellany gestures to, there's a bell with a rope attached to it. So the bell's set on the side of the ship. There's a rope attached to it that goes up somewhere. Mr. Bellany gestures to the bell and says, two bells means start. One bell means stop. Okay. Is that simple enough for your machine? Two bells start, one bell stop. Is that simple enough for your machine?

Two bells start, one bell stop. Is that good? Understood. Okay, cool. Yeah. Take care of yourself. Have fun. That's a little joke between us. Can it get more complicated?

Because we have more complicated instructions. Yeah, what other instructions have you got? Well, two bells followed by two bells a break and one bell is hard left. One bell a break, two bells is hard right. Okay. Two bells break, one bell turn left, hard left. Oh, I guess he wouldn't be saying left and right. He'd be saying port and starboard, obviously.

Two bells, one bell, after break between. So two bells break one bell, port. Understood. Port is left. Good, thank you. Two bells break two bells, starboard. The way I always remember it is port and left have the same number of letters. And so does starboard and right.

That's so cool. Well, once you know left, you know right. I don't understand. Yeah, I don't get it. Understood. Cool. Any other instructions? Give a thumbs up.

I told him that. No, that should be enough. Oh, cool. Doesn't get much more complicated than that. Oh, that's good. Well, he's a very clever machine. And I got the head crystal. Yeah, if you run into trouble, let me know.

As I said, it's secondhand. So you can't communicate telepathically? Yeah, look, as I said, secondhand. So it's just the crystal's old. What do you mean by that? Secondhand. He wasn't made for me. He was made.

I was bought. Sorry. Sir Helpful was bought in marketplace. Is that what you've always said? Have you always had consistent messaging on that? Because I thought you like washed up basically

That's what really happened But I'm saying to this guy that I was bought in a marketplace to try to keep up with her lie that I'm second hand So, bought in a marketplace What are we doing? It was on holiday. Not here. Mr. Baloney looks at you, Fish, and says, what marketplace?

That's what I was thinking. Wild night out. Anyway, it was a hen's night. A weekend away, my friend got married. I wasn't part of the wedding party. It was in hen's night. A weekend away, my friend got married. I wasn't part of the wedding party. It was in Sunsen. Gone now. It's too late.

The damage is done. Mr. Bellamy quite obviously notices that you avoided the question. He chooses not to say anything about it. You can see it's quite obvious that he is very suspicious. Okay. Okay. As you leave to go back on topside,

bye. I told him to do that. Bye. Oh no. We're gonna get thrown off this boat. Christ christ worse to be honest they can't kill me i'm a machine meanwhile far far away from the two of you and the oh by the way the ship's name is the deep drop oh yeah i was gonna ask well i mean i can't ask but i would have liked to have known i guess you would have seen it it's written on the side the deep drop is the name of the ship far far away from the two of you from captain bell barham from the rest of the crew who are growing increasingly suspicious and of course far far away from the

two of you yeah deep in the kirkman channel the golden cod swims swims for its very life oh no a terrible terrible development has happened to the golden cod the golden cod is maybe nearly it obviously doesn't have any concept of time or not the same concept of time that we might have so it doesn't really understand that it's nearly 2 000 years old oh my god the golden cod is aware that it has been alive for a long time. It has at least a concept of I am ancient, I am old. But that is probably the only thought that it has that is anything more complicated than just primal fish intelligence. The golden cod can remember back to the time when it was about the size of just a regular cod. It was still golden in those days.

Due to just a quirk of evolution and genetics, it had just been born coincidentally with golden skin, with golden scales. Sorry, I should say. And those golden scales made it somehow the target of interest for some other eldritch being, which just in passing, as it noticed, it didn't even touch the golden cod, it just noticed the golden cod. And from that day onwards, the golden cod began to grow in size, at least doubling once a week until it is the size it is today. The golden cod in this ancient time remembered vaguely being scared of things.

But then, now, as it is the size it is, it has not been scared of anything for some time, except the thing that is currently hunting it. The mass, the roiling, formless mass, which doesn't so much as swim, like a... It's vaguely... The golden cod is vaguely aware

that it's not dissimilar to a squid or an octopus in its body. But it doesn't move like a squid or octopus. It kind of more grabs. Not at the sand or at kelp or at anything. It grabs at the water itself. And when it reaches out, when it grabs into the water, the water becomes almost solid for it. And it propels. It drags itself forward.

Horrible, horrible stuff. A single giant eye above a singular enormous beak more opens up to try and swallow the golden cod. The golden cod swims as hard and as fast as it can, and in the distance it sees a shape on the horizon, the Lonely Tower, a place the Golden Cod has never really tread because that is not just where it encountered the creature that originally caused it to become what it is today,

but that is also the location of where it knows this thing originally came from, but it has nowhere else to go. Have we bit off more than we can chew funny if they just kill us on sight and we don't even get to meet the fish that's true just figure out our deal and throw us overboard the deep drop sets off it's hard going so helpful you you're fighting i mean like i said like explained before jim and Tipper are also down here helping, but there's only, they're, they're nothing compared to these waves.

You are absolutely the powerhouse that is leading this. Woo. Woo. Woo. You begin to grow tired though. Oh no. Your arms begin to ache. You feel stiff and sore.

You are not immune to exhaustion, right? I don't think so. Yeah. I'm immune to disease. You take one level of exhaustion. Oh no. Oh no. I said you could take a break if you got tired. They do not give you a break and you have no method

as you do not have fish, a crystal in your head, you have no method of knowing do not have fish a crystal in your head you have no method of knowing that so helpful is in such a state you are kept very busy the captain captain Belbarum wishes

to use the sails even though it is very dangerous opening the sails fully will cause both masts to just be ripped off the ship. And if that happens, it's going to damage more than just the masts. As they come down, they will take part of the ship with them. And as they come up, they will probably tear massive holes in the ship, which will cause you absolutely to sink.

So you have to be so very careful. But, as I said, Captain Bell Barham, the wind is at your back. You really... Captain Bell Barham knows that time is of the essence, and so she is insistent that the sails are opened. So at least partially. So you and Mr.

Bellany are on sails duty. Mr. Bellany has the main sails, you have the smaller front sails, Fish, and you need to open them just a little bit and then keep such a tight grip on those ropes. You are also going to need to make a check.

Well, what's a rope but a wrong net? It's all fish-related stuff. Well, well said. I'm trying to catch the wind in the out... It's a net-related stuff. Well, well said. I'm trying to catch the wind in the... It's a net.

It just doesn't have the bits in the middle. Yeah, that's true. You do not take a level of exhaustion. Oh, lucky. Good news. Yeah, well done. You do a decent job without taking a level of exhaustion. The ship makes good speed into the Kirkman Channel.

You can see all around you. Well, not you, sorry. I see the front of the inside of the ship. Yeah, you see the back of Jim and Tipper's heads. They turn to each other every now and then and they chat. I'll eavesdrop, yeah. All right. You attempt to eavesdrop.

Loon. Big red eye just between they're talking about you oh what are they saying Tipper leans in to Jim and says

don't trust it don't trust it I'm friendly Jim nods and leans back and says in the drink oh no

oh fuck I'm gonna get done in well they can't take me I'm going to get done in. Well, they can't take me. I'm very tough. Tiffra says, what a fish. Jim gives a little shrug. Both of them look back at you.

Immediately, if my head was close to them, turn your head around, your ear had become like a giant fucking dish. Like a cone. Just roll, just roll it. They both look back conspiratorially at you, and then, well, actually, probably you should make a check to try and deceive them. Yeah, you absolutely were trying to listen. It's funny that I made myself so strong,

but it's been a lot of deception rolls. It's very funny. Get a good boy card. King of the land. I got 30 as a dwarf. Reroll any constitution-based check. They look at you. They think that they're not as suspicious as the captain or Mr. Bellany is.

So both of them, looking at you, just see kind of like a stupid automaton. And they turn back. And Jim says, what about her? Once that thing's in the drink, maybe we can even just order it in. Once that thing's in the drink, her, the rest, an easy strangling. The rest? I wish you had a crystal in your brain so much right now. Okay.

Looking at Tipper, Jim finishes saying, but wait for the signal. Our agent needs to know when we're ready. Agent? Oh my god. How do I get them to say the signal? Tipper nods and they turn back to their work. Fuck, fuck. I need to know what the signal is.

There's no way to ask without fucking revealing my position. God damn it. I say nothing, but if I could have an expression on my metal face, it would be one of stress. Thank you. To be continued... the Sandspans Plus members, the further adventures of the Greyhill Free Company if you want shorter campaigns with beautiful guests, and D&D is for Nerds, not Ognot, where all our non-canon D&D adventures go to rest. Just search for D&D is for Nerds on your favourite podcast app of choice

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