D&D is For Nerds - The Lonely Tower #6 The Creature Helps

Episode Date: April 22, 2023

When striking a deal with a creature that wants to help, the most important thing is to know what you and it can both offer each other. If, for example, you can offer your friend to be eaten instead of yourself and, for example, the creature counters with the confidence that it can eat both you and said friend, coming to a compromise is going to be a bit tricky when in reality all you can truly offer it is a slightly faster moving meal.Want ad-free and even more bonus content? Just check out the Imagination Adventures show page on Apple podcasts! Music by the ever wonderful Lepidora, you can check out her music here. And head to peddlerspress.store to peruse our D&D themed merch store and help support the show! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem. You're listening to the Sandspants Network. The town of Fairburn Point is nestled near the Kirkman Channel. On the other side of the Kirkman Channel is a place known only to the locals as the Lonely Tower. A imposing presence on the horizon. Something that people would best just forget. The Slaad speaks to you telepathically from its mind into yours.

You are not flesh. I am metal and wood. Strange creature. Maybe I can reproduce with you. I look down at my chest. It attacks. Oh, no!

I was gonna be like, yeah, that should be fine. Like, I'm mostly, like, cogs and stuff. Just put a baby in there. Whatever. Like, should be fine like i'm mostly like cogs and stuff just put a baby in there whatever like it's not gonna hurt i mean it's probably gonna be worse for this lad when it pops out and instead of exploding out of my stomach just goes bonk against the metal of my chest plate but whatever the frog shows violence let's go i was so willing to let it put a baby tadpole inside me, Adam.

Well, then don't struggle when it does it. Well, it's too late now. Now it's just, I mean, like, we're not striking a deal anymore. So helpful you're first. Okay. He's running for me, yeah? Mm-hmm. I guess I'll just attack him.

I'll just punch him. Punch him twice. Bring my fists together and, like, slam him in the head and slam him in the head. Mishit. It will take four points of damage. Okay. Then it is Bell Barum's turn. Captain Bell Barum steps out from behind where the, or steps out from their hiding place behind where the strad,

where the slhd is. Sorry, I'm thinking of an island. Strahd's somewhere else. It's far away from you. Strahd holds Pip by his throat. Kiss me, he says. Whoa, what awesome realm is this? It's Kissin' Realm, baby.

Kissin' Realm right adjacent to corn realm in that neither of them exist oh no i got tricked into having my heart broken by strad and adam anyway captain bell barham steps out from their hiding space, which was behind the creature known as a slard. And then a bolt of pure magic launches from their hand to strike the slard. It misses. That was their turn. Awesome.

Awesome stuff. It is the slard's turn. It, once again, projects into your mind, Come host eggs. I'll host eggs. Stop fighting. Okay. It stops.

Willing? Body so helpful made of metal and wood. Captain Belbarum is about to fire again, but then the slod looks behind it and gives a gesture telepathically into both of your brains. Willing will not fight. Just me, not Captain. Just me. Captain Belbarum pauses for a second. What are you bargaining there for?

Do you realize what's going to happen? Slard put tadpole in so helpful. Tadpole grow in cogs and gears. So helpful pop open chest plate at some point. Let frog out. The slard nods. This deal is acceptable. The captain.

I give the captain a thumbs up mate you know it'll cause a bit of damage coming out right even if the insides not meet the slud stops insides not

meet then must also this one no no you need to make a persuasion check Not meat, then must also this one. No, no. You need to make a persuasion check. Is not deal. Inside some meat. Inside little bit meat. Must guarantee reproduction.

Do I think that like I don't care about the slud but do I think that it'll be able to put the whatever in me it's tadpoles they just probably won't grow you just don't know can try Captain Balbarum I guess

tries to help you no the slud shakes its head both or none I guess tries to help you. No, the slard shakes its head. Both or none. I guess none, and then I'll punch it in the head. Resume combat. It's the slard's turn. We'll go back to the slard's turn.

It bites and misses. It tries to bite down on you, but thankfully you have quite a high armor class. And then it tries to wrap its claws around you. A miss, and then a hit. You will take D8 plus 3,

you take 8 points of damage, and then, let's find out if it can lay an egg. Cut of a positor or robot. My guts are just stoned. You have guts. You've got meat. A little bit meat. Alright, you

it rakes you with claws and when it does so one of its claws finds a hole and you hear like echoing within your body gross. You feel part of your plates bulge a little bit Where eggs have just been pumped into you Good luck, idiot

My meat's deeper than that Then it is back to your turn, Sir Help You wail I punch again, I'm wailing again Hits, hit That's such a shame, I got that advanced critical Tell me no good Oh, that was a critical Oh, nice Sorry, you rolled a 19, I'm wailing again. Hits. Hit. That's such a shame. I got that advanced critical. Oh, that was a critical. Oh, nice. Sorry, you rolled a 19. I'm so sorry.

I forgot you had a 19 or a 20. No worries. Alright, you shin bash maximum damage and roll the damage dice again. Oh! God damn it, snake eyes. Fuck. Wait, you can re-roll this, can't you?

Don't you have an ability that lets you re-roll damage dice? I don't think so. Hang on. I have an ability that lets me... I get advantage attacking it this round now for my crusher thing. Oh, yeah, so that second attack might have also... No, I think it's after the first attack. Yeah, the first attack was a critical hit. Oh, right, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Yeah, sorry. Hey, that's fine sorry 16 points of damage hey it's not nothing it's not far off actually that would have also healed oh damn oh yeah

you watch as the the slard heals itself it's Belbarum's turn again it's concerning and they

whoomp fire another Eldritch Blast. Snake eyes! Yes, Adam? What's up, dude? Drawing a blank. Make a DC 16 saving throw with your spellcasting ability. Save on a failed save. You are unable to cast the spell again until you finish a long rest.

Eldritch Blast is so important. Oh, dear. To a warlock. Dear me. That's a two, I think I can see. You know how it's possible sometimes when you come for it to go in instead of out? Yes. Captain Balbarum looks so sick. No.

I just realized they can fire it twice. But they can't anymore, I suppose. That would have been useful. Yeah. Anyway, that was Balbarum's turn. It is the Slaad's turn again. It attempts to bite. It bites you.

Okay. You get bit. Hopefully this poisons me. Something I have advantage against. It's just piercing damage. I don't know where you got poisoned from. I have advantage against. It's just piercing damage. Piercing damage? I don't know where you got poison from.

I don't know, frogs? No, that's toads. You take eight points of damage. Poison tree dot frog or whatever. Critical hit. Oh, god damn it. Off form, quadruple damage, and you have disadvantage on melee attacks for your next 1d8 rounds. Well, that's, I guess, just kind of effectively evened it out. For the next five rounds, you have disadvantage.

Fuck. I might be dead. Quadruple damage. Jesus Christ. You take... Okay, that could be worse. That's not so bad. That's not so bad.

15 points of damage. Mm-hmm. Wee-woo, wee-woo, wee-woo. You already need hit points, and then you need to make a constitution saving throw Yeah Okay Yeah you feel More eggs

Yeah you're being filled You're being filled it's your turn Okay I'm gonna pummel again Then I'm gonna action surge and pummel again Alright would you like to also use your bonus action to heal Yeah yeah yeah let yeah, yeah. Let me second wind. You fucking recover six hit points.

Oh, my God. I am just in the fucking wars for this fight. Not so helpful. He's full of eggs. Hit, hit, hit. You hit three times. Nice. That's each of these is plus three.

You deal 20 points of damage. All right. I'm pretty sure he healed plus three. You deal 20 points of damage. All right. I'm pretty sure he healed as well. Huh? Huh, Adam? I forgot it's slowly healing. Pardon? It's not important.

Come again. It's Bell Barum's turn. Can I push it five feet somewhere? You could try. Yeah, okay. Do you want to try and slip it into another dimension again? Well, I could, yeah. if there's another dimension around me. Well, I can do it if I hit a creature with a bludgeoning attack.

I could just move them five feet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So are you trying to shunt it into another dimension? Yeah, I guess so. Let's get it out of the way. All right. You see a dimension you can shunt the slot into.

Okay, let's do it. Let's get it out of here. Hellos. You shunt the slot. You don't push it up. You don't push it down. You don't push it left. You don't push it right. You don't push it up. You don't push it down. You don't push it left. You don't push it right.

You don't push it forward. You don't push it back. You don't even push it diagonal. The slot's just gone. Okay, great. And we're out of initiative. The slot has been pushed into a place it can't

get back out of. Okay, that's good. Captain Bell Barham. You might need to open me up to get the eggs out. Uno momento, por favor. Is that Gnomish? Oh my god, their gnomish is amazing. No, it's elven.

Oh, of course. God, else with French. It's not a one-to-one. Fair enough. Yeah, it's rich tapestry. One hand washes the other. And washes the other. Mel Barham walks up to Tipper and kneels down in front of him. What was your plan here, Tipper?

Tipper shakes his head slowly. You can see he's bleeding out. He's not much longer for this world. The gods, they're here. The gods are here. You're a crazy freak, aren't you, Tipper? One of those cultists. The gods are here. The gods are here.

Belbarum looks back at you and says, I know you were born sexy yesterday. Correct. Are you much aware of the cults, the many factions within Fairburn Point? I've been around Fairburn Point at least a month. You don't know necessarily what cults are, but you do know some strange behavior

takes place. Yeah, the city's been weird. Yeah. Weirder and weirder of late, to be honest. A little bit. I don't want to call them fakers or anything like that. My powers come from an entity

that I know to dwell within this tower. I would not say that it looked upon me favorably, per se. I do not know its methods or motives. All I know is that sometimes I receive a vision, and I act upon that vision to keep my powers. A big reason why I am probably hunted by the Knights of Karsari. I see. Anyway, this is besides the point.

There are a great deal many other entities, and a great deal more, even more than that, of people in and around Fairburn Point who take to worshipping such creatures. This fool here, and I assume Jim the One with him, are worshipping of some creature that lives within this tower. Tipper slowly shakes his head behind you. Oh, behind Belbarum, sorry. You can say, but Belbarum cannot.

And then Tipper says, Behind Belbarum, sorry. You can see, but Belbarum cannot. And then Tipper says, No, Nardell dwells within, but invades. He, a big bloody grin, splits open his face, and then Tipper dies. I go over to Tipper. Take his tongue.

No, I punch his guts in case there's any eggs in there. No, I went all for it. Sure enough, you pull out an egg and you crush that egg. I do the same thing like when me and Fish chum some fish up. Sure, sure. You destroy his chest. Yeah. While you're doing that, Bell Barham behind you says,

I'll just, just give me but a moment. And she slowly takes the eggs out of your, out of the back of your chest. Thank you. Fish. That's right. Your name is Fish.

So upsettingly. Fish. Oh, oh, sorry. Sorry, the Matrix Revolutions. I'm so sorry to inconvenience you with fish.

Yeah, right. A normal animal encountered daily. The Matrix Revolutions. I'm so sorry to inconvenience you with fish. Yeah, a normal animal encountered daily. The Matrix Revolutions. At least the Matrix Revolutions is a proper noun. Fish is made proper by my name. Yeah, you turned a regular noun

into a proper noun. The other kids called me fish. That's an extra mental labor I need to do. An extra calculation my brain needs to do every time. Oh, capitalizing an F. That's an extra mental labor I need to do. An extra calculation my brain needs to do every time. Oh, capitalizing an F. That's making the curvy bit straight, Adam. That's fine. Guess what you don't need to capitalize?

The Matrix Revolutions, because it came capitalized. You open the box and it's capitalized in there. Your name comes with some assembly required. This is definitely an important point. Anyway, Fish, you and Mr. Bellany, and of course Little Drop, well, Little Drop doesn't step out, Little Drop is being carried on your shoulder, the two of you with Little Drop on your shoulder step out into the corridor. All of this forms a rich tapestry.

It's important that you knew. That was an incredible noise you made. I want to see if I can replicate it. Mwah! It was like the noise of a machine. You got me, okay? Cass was a machine stretching plastic over the top of a cup.

Mwah! Mwah! You're in the corridor. Mr. Bellany is behind you. Little Drop is on your shoulder, as well as you can remember. You're staring at that corridor. You look at the opposite end of the corridor, and you can see there's another one of those.

There's a plinth with a statue upon it. It is, once again, of that creature that we were saying before. Not the one that's half-man, but the other one. The one with the eye stalks and then the regular stalks beneath. The one that's an all monster. Yeah, you described it as looking up at an octopus, I believe. Yeah. You know that this corridor intersects in some weird dimension

with that other corridor. It's great how many times I can say that other corridor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, you know that this is some sort of, once again, I wouldn't describe it as a T intersection or a cross intersection, because they're not touching each other at a horizontal or a vertical or anything like that. They're touching themselves at something else entirely. You don't know exactly where that seam is. You could try turning on your fourth dimension vision, and maybe you could see it via that, but

maybe it's some sort of fifth dimension thing. We don't know. I'll try. Alright, you, well, it is. Oh, okay. It's a fourth dimension thing. As soon as you turn it on, you can see both corridors at the same time. You see where

they intersect. There is, if you look up, there a a mural on the roof well it's it's many different things not just a roof but you look up and you can see that there is yeah a with with a stone inlay just colored stones you can't really place necessarily what they are they don't look like precious gems just just colored stonework. You can see that there is an eye looking down upon you. It also looks like it's casting a light. Can I wave? All right. Highs or lows, I guess. Highs. So, waving at the eye, acting as if the eye is real you watch this happen acting as if the eye is real makes the eye real

it winks how do I know it's not a blink? one eye is it doing it cheeky style? I think wink is by definition just one eye so one eyed creatures can only ever wink no but I know what you mean Cass is it like a blink wink or a wink wink?

yeah is it cheeky or is it just trying to keep the dust out? Is it flirty? Yeah, oh my God. What do you, Cass, what would your first assumption be? Cheeky or not? What would your first assumption be? Well, my character loves to have a bit of fun, so I think they would assume.

It looks playful. Oh. Oh my God. And by the way, the definition of a wink is close and open one eye quickly so one-eyed creatures can only ever wink. Well, there you go. Yeah, but Jackson gets it. I wink back.

All right. It winks again. Wink, wink or wing, wink? What would your first assumption be? Wink. Wink, wink. Okay. It's that i like throw a hand forward with like a with a soft wrist like you

it gives like a big eye roll but you get it's not it doesn't feel like the impression is not a sarcastic one it's like it's being playful back. Okay. Did you see a guy come through here? It winks once. Okay, one for yes, two for no. Do you understand? One for yes? Yeah. Once. Okay. I give a description of Oh, actually, sorry. Alright, so how old do you think the entity is? Well, because it's being fun, I assume it's my age. Why wouldn't I?

All right. It winks once then. Yeah, that's fine. It winks once. If you think it's your age, you're surely at least a year old. Oh, God. Oh, I see what's happened. Wow.

That took a while. All right. I described Tipper. I described Jim. Have you seen any of these guys come through? It winks once. Okay. Which way did they go?

Look in the direction. It looks in several directions. It looks back the way you came. Then it looks in the directions of, actually, it looks in all four directions. Damn. You've asked a very complicated question. Okay. Let's just look at Jim. Where'd Jim go? Jim?

It looks down towards the... When you were here originally, it looks in both of those directions, so it presumably saw Jim come here when you first arrived. Okay. Then it looks in the direction that, yeah, then it looks in the direction of where you just came from, but it doesn't look in that fourth direction where there's that single solitary statue.

It doesn't look there. Yeah, that's the only direction it doesn't look for Jim. Okay. And what about Tipper? For Tipper, it looks in the direction out of here, so back to that main corridor, which is how presumably Tipper got... Wait, sorry, did you say Tipper? Yeah. Oh, Tipper, I don't think it's seen Tipper from memory, so it doesn't do anything. It

winks twice. Okay. Thank you. Everywhere but the statue, it's seen someone go. We've known. You're also searching for the Matrix Revolutions, unless you think that was him in the bag. No, no. I will also. I mean, it could be.

Yeah. Hard to say. I hope not. I also described the Matrix Revolutions and ask if this person has seen, person? This is polite. Has seen Matrix Revolutions. One wink? Ooh, whereabouts? I'm just not thinking of it as a person. Oh, person? This is polite, has seen Matrix Revolutions. One wink.

Ooh, whereabouts? Oh yeah. Okay. It looks back in the direction to the exit, if you will, back towards the main hallway, and then it looks in the direction of the statue, and then it looks

in the direction that you just came from, where you fought the that creature or those creatures i should say okay so from that the only direction that we haven't been in that the eye shifts and moves so that it's no longer in the center and then a second eye opens oh my god is this friend? The two eyes look at each other and then both of them wink once. It wasn't until just then.

Lovely to meet you. What's Valabee doing? Just watching like... He can't see this. Oh my god, that's right because you're in the fourth dimension. You got such power here. be doing just watching like he can't see this oh my god that's right because you're in the fourth yeah you got such power here um what's to be done fish what is indeed to be done well also ask the other eye if they'd seen so i'm gonna guess uh-huh that you're gonna assume that the other eye if they'd seen So, I'm going to guess that you're going to assume

that the other eye is about the same age as the first eye. Yep, they're friends. Yeah, they're friends, of course. Well, they are. They are now. Yeah, so the other eye Okay, what I would do so this other eye pops up i'd be like is this your

friend yes lovely to meet you okay so i'm looking for my friends we've been through here a few times i'm just trying to find where they went next so do you have and then i described matrix evolutions jim the one uh tipper and i just go through the list again. Do I get any different answers? Would you expect any different answers? Yeah. Well, because maybe this other I has been elsewhere until now. Of course it has. I don't know where the other I came from because I assume this is a different person.

I'm going to call that highs or lows. Highs. The second I, once again, it's just an I, so there's not a lot of expression that it can give, but it slowly winks twice to basically every question. It looks sorry to say that it hasn't seen anything. That's so fine. Thank you for checking. Well, I guess we'll go toward the statue because I think we've been everywhere else, but we haven't been toward the statue.

Both of them nod. Well, the eyes go up and down. The iris, whatever, you know what I mean. All right. Is there anything I should be careful about? I don't want to get hurt. I just want my friend back. You would, I guess, naturally assume that they're local to the area,

so they'd know a few things. Yeah. Both of them wink once. They look at each other, then they look at you, and they both wink once. There's a bit of concern. They look at each other, then they look at you, and they both wink once. There's a bit of concern. I wish you guys could warn me about what was going on.

And unfortunately, since you're quite confident they can't warn you, they can't. That's so funny. I keep thinking how funny it would be if you were like, oh, this must be your girlfriend, and then the other eye other eye got like cartoonish eyelashes and a little bow or something like a mini mouse situation um they look sad once again obviously just an eye but as best as you can tell they both they both look sad that they can't help you more. Oh, um... Is it scary? They both... No, you've got a system.

They both wink once. Can you come with me? If you're asking, I'm assuming you think it's possible, so they both wink once. Do you have anything you could do to help protect me? They wink once. Would you like to come? You don't have to, but do you want to?

Oh, there's a bit of hesitation now. Yeah, yeah. I feel bad because I'm like, they might not want to. And now they maybe don't. They look at each other. There's some hesitation in the eyes. The first eye winks twice. No, sorry, winks once.

The second eye winks twice. Oh, that's fine. Thank you so much for even chatting to me. As best as an eye can, it nods and then it closes and the other eye becomes central. The first eye becomes central again. Okay, I'm going to bring out some weapons. If you think it'll work, give me a wink.

It winks. Okay. Daggers? It thinks for a second and then twice. Okay. Net? Twice. Okay.

Hammer? Twice. Long bow? Once. All right. I just hold up my fists. It winks three times. What?

That's very dangerous. It winks twice. Oh, no, it winks once. Actually, it winks twice, and then you see it thinks a second and then winks once. So it's bad if I get close to it? It winks once. Okay. Thank you.

Thank you. Is there anything I can do to thank you? What do you think it would want? Well, because it's only an eye, I imagine we'd want to see something fun. So like a dance or a handstand or something. It winks once. I guess I could do a little dance. Once again, as much as an eye can, it nods.

The iris goes up and down very vigorously. And it winks a bunch, but it seems like it's winking, yes, yes, yes, yes. That's the kind of impression you're getting. Okay. I start to do a little dance. This is also from Bellamy's perspective, where you're just looking at the ceiling, talking, and then start dancing.

Can I ask, lass, what exactly are you up to there? I'm asking for help. I got that much. You do as best a jig as you can. It's, shall we say, mediocre. Ah, that's a shame. Does it seem happy? The eye seems somewhat satisfied.

Can you join in? Okay, lass, I certainly can try. He, despite his reservations, puts a lot of effort into it and he does a decent jig. The eye, wink, wink, wink, wink, wink, along to Mr. Bellany's tapping feet. Oh, I think I've made a friend. So you have? Yeah. I think I've made a friend

Anytime you want a jig I'll do one for you Bellamy, this is Oh my god What's your name? Fuck What? Like it couldn't even tell you

Even if you thought of a name for it Okay, Winky It winks once. Of course. Okay. Okay. Perfect. Oh, what a guess.

Nailed it out the gate. This is Winky, my friend. I am fish. Where can I ask, is this Winky? Winky's in the fourth dimension. I'm sorry. Ah, yes. Can I see that?

Yeah. Does Winky look like Winky likes? he's in the fourth dimension. I'm sorry. Ah, yes, can I see that? Yeah, um, does Winky look like Winky likes my friend Mr. Bellamy? Oh, he does, because he was... Well, would you think that? He liked the jig. Oh, yeah, no, he likes the jig. Yeah, you're right, you're right. Well, yeah, the eye seems quite comfortable with the two of you.

Ah, Winky likes you. That's good to hear. It's nice to have made a friend in such dire circumstances. That's exactly what I was thinking. Mr. Bellany says, get a good boy card, Cass. Mr. Bellany is quite obviously attempting to humor you. Well, it was nice of him to jig anyway, because now we've both made a friend, so that's fine.

It's important. This good boy card. I take all incoming damage for one ally this round. Will they take it for you? If they're willing. And I've just made a friend. Oh, that rules. I love that it's called Get Behind Me.

I just get into the fourth dimension. All right. Well, let's head off. All right. fourth dimension. Alright, well let's head off. Alright. Meanwhile, in slightly more dire circumstances, shall we say,

you're in the vat room, back the way you came, basically. You see Captain Bell Barham steps up to the base of the staircase, looks up, and you hear her say, Oh dear. What's wrong? It's, uh you hear her say, Oh, dear.

What's wrong? It's, uh, we're at the bottom of it. The bottom of the tower? No. Yes, but not exactly what I meant. We're at the bottom of it all. I go and have a look. You look up.

You're at the bottom of it all. Oh, I see. Your helpful understand. You're, this is the bottom. Everything else is above, everything and every time else is above you. Nowhere to go but up. You

look back the way you came, the door is no longer there. There's no door, you're at the bottom. This positive in some ways. We start climbing. Do you want to go first or would you like- I'll go first. All right, cool. She had a weird backwards magic earlier.

She's in dire straits. She's been pretty fucked up by that. Yeah, absolutely. You ascend through many different times and places. At first, you're worried about how long this is taking because you're like, oh my God, we've been on this staircase for days. But then you remember, oh, it's fine.

We're in a different time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a day, but it's a day 20 years from now. It's an hour, but it's an hour a million decades before this date. Lucky I'm only four weeks old. Yeah, yeah. I don't have any preconceived notions of what's normal. And then as you're walking up as one, maybe you're also like, am I aging?

But you're like, oh, no, no, no. This was years ago. I wasn't even born then. I couldn't be aging right now. Oh, my God. Confusing. I try and just block it out as I go on. Eventually, at a certain point,

you see that the staircase has a break in it. Something's been shattered as part of the staircase. Oh, I should also say as well, that unless you directly interact, it's quite obvious that the times, places, the people that you're passing through are not aware of you. You can see that you are quite obviously in a dimension they are unable to perceive. Yeah, no worries. You get about as high as you can up to that break. Maybe you stick your head out and have a look around. All you see around

in infinite direction all around. All you see around in infinite direction all around you, you see fields upon fields upon fields of corn. You hearing this cats? I'm in motherfucking corn row. They're screaming. Oh no, the corn is in danger!

You see many in armor fashioned after corn. You see many knights running around screaming to themselves, the Korn! The Korn's disappearing! I have a deep, powerful urge to help. You want to enter in? Yeah, I go to Korn roll.

All right, you step into Korn roll. One of the knights spots you as soon as you step out because you cut quite a big swathe. You're not Korn. You're very obvious. One of the knights clocks you and calls over, What are you doing here? You need to flee!

You look behind. You can see, sure enough, the fields of corn are slowly just like disappearing into dust. You can see the entirety of Khorne Realm is slowly disappearing. Oh, no, you put Khorne Realm in to kill it. Oh, no. Oh, cruel fate. Adam, that's so mean. The knight, Captain Belparum, steps out behind you as well.

You hear her whisper, what are we doing here, son? And then before you're able to respond, one of the corn knights grabs you and starts dragging you. You're in mortal danger. The corn's disappearing. Someone is destroying it. It's being consumed for some. He stops. What's that in your heart, son?

Blood? No. You. He lets go of you, takes a couple steps back. A bunch of the other corn knights have become attracted to this commotion. All of them are staring at you. The corn, it's within you. What?

You hear in your own ears, gugong, gugong. I have a corn heart. Why? Gagunk. Have a corn heart? Why, the corn around Fairburn Point was consumed, destroyed to fuel an army. You, he points. I know nothing of this.

The corn knights draw their weapons. Oh my god, I gotta fight the corn knights. We're going to initiative. Oh my god. Because of lore that you are not aware of. This has got nothing to do with me. I don't even know if I'm part of that army. I'm just a guy who fell in the sea. Yeah, who put you in the drink?

I don't know. I imagine I was part of some battalion and I got donked on the head and fell off a cliff. Maybe now as the camera pans up, there's just a huge donk in the side of my helmet, a big divot where a coconut fell on me. You're on a cliff with a coconut tree. Yeah, a big palm tree above me. Glory to the evil. And bonk.

Washed up on the shore. So helpful. Okay. What are the powers of a corn? Can pop if they get too hot. That's all I can think of. The corn knight that you were speaking to, the one that you were closest to, goes first.

You can see all of the other corn knights appear to have corn decals on their armor. It's metal armor, but inlaid with, it looks like a field. Sorry? Oh, fields. Yeah, fields of wheat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Looking upon their armor, it looks like, yeah, a tableau of a field, or fields, I should say, sorry, of wheat.

Of wheat or corn? Corn, sorry. Corn, corn. Those are wheat knights. They're a completely different group of guys, yeah. But this one that you were speaking to, his armor looks like it is made of corn. Whoa! He draws his weapon.

You will be slain, enemy of the corn! I don't know what you're talking about. I am neutral toward corn. That's how you say it, Jackson. It did, it did. He draws his weapon, a lance made out of corn and charges you with it

this is so full on okay Lance Armstrong's nearly a it could be one of those like if he was born in night times Lance Armstrong Lance Armstrong while within sight of corn all corn knights get advantage on their attacks.

Of course. What's that line from Narnia? Don't speak to me of the old magics. Arabite was there before they were born. A regular hit and then a critical hit. Oh, damn it. God damn, so helpful. You take 12 points of regular damage.

Oh my god, am I about to take Khorne damage? Yes. Oh, damn it. God damn so helpful. You take 12 points of regular damage. Oh my god, am I about to take corn damage? Yes. Oh my god. I gotta get out of corn realm. And then you take... Corn realm is dangerous for the uncorn. You take fuck, you take one point of corn damage. What? What's happening? You are on one hit point. Okay, is it my turn?

It is. Okay. Oh, wait. Sorry. Do they have anything else? No, that's it. That's it. Yeah. It's your turn. I maybe turn my big head to Captain Belbarum. We must leave the corn. It is not safe. You, looking back at Captain Belbarum, you see that the staircase, because it's in a fourth

dimension, is no longer visible to you. Do I remember where it was? No. No, you don't. I'm about it was? No. No, you don't. I'm about to do something insane. I'm excited. I punch myself in the head. Then I use my crusher ability to shunt myself five feet into another dimension.

Unfortunately, because you can't see where it is, you don't know which way to push yourself. Can I just go, like yourself Previously I could just kind of Try and gauge where one was Previously you made this check But you failed the check this time I thought it was just at random Well, that's no good And I don't really have any gauge

Of where the staircase was Yeah, you can't really remember exactly It's because you need to navigate an extra dimension it's not about just standing in the right spot it's not standing the right several spots yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah okay um all right well i guess i will go and i will i will just attack the corn knight that's attacking me okay try and pop him you critical miss oh he hit you twice I'm sorry I didn't roll both damages oh well it's a it was a critical hit oh yeah that's right I'm so sorry you didn't even have this didn't even happen dude okay fine maximum quadruple

damage if this attack kills you all allies who can see you have advantage. Have advantage? Oh. It's a heroic end, yeah. All allies who can see you have advantage on their attacks for eight rounds. All right. That's good for Captain Bob-omb. Am I about to die?

Adam, quadruple damage couldn't kill me, right? Quadruple damage would be... I don't know. Plus the corn damage. Shut up. Hang on, I need to do a quick maths. Oh, no. I've taken too much corn damage.

This is what kills you. If I die in corn realm, that's what I... You die in real life. That's true. All right. You don't die, but that was close. Oh, fuck. Stabbed in a million places by a million corn swords.

So helpful everything goes dark. Oh, no. And then the regular corn knights. Whoa. Okay, that's a lot of corn javelins nah those are just decals they're not actually made out of corn they're not a corn captain the price of legitimized corn realm has been great captain bell borum gets hit several times oh no could be worse could be worse. Could be worse.

I shouldn't have let Captain Bob-Omb take the slug eggs out of me. Then at least we would have brought the fight back to Corn Realm. What if frogs love corn? All right, and we'll get back to you. Okay. Oh, no, actually, no. We'll make your death saving throw. Yeah, that's what I was...

That's a shame. Ten. That's a shame. Ten. That's a success. Fifteen. Okay, you... Highs or lows? Highs or lows? Highs.

Highs? Okay. Okay. You wake up in a cave. You are still on zero hit points, but you're conscious of your surroundings. You're in a dank, dark cave. You can see on zero hit points but you're conscious of your surroundings. You're in a dank, dark cave. You can see a little pool of light. It's water

but there's light coming off the water. You can see Captain Balbarum is you hear the water whoosh, whoosh, whoosh. She's doing something at the water. Okay, can I like have my eyes closed or anything? You can't move or do much but you can speak if you want.

So helpful is glad to see Captain Balbarum survived. She turns around and sees that you're roused. Ah, lad, it's a good thing you didn't die. That is true. I managed to get us out of Khorne realm. Get a good boy card? Yes. Sick.

Nice. You can see she hasn't told you everything. Where are we now? Where I couldn't find anywhere safe. Or not safe. This place I think is safe. But I couldn't find a place that was, well, I tried to find a temple of sorts to take you first. But I couldn't find any such place.

This is the best I could do. Why did you try to take me to a temple? To heal you, son. Oh. You're wounded. I look down at the corn damage across my body. You can see little flecks of- Like kernels?

Yeah, little kernels of corn. I know. Getting kernels fucked up. I like it. They'll pop one day. Yeah. And they might have made out of metal too. Very confusing.

Oh no, they're not made out of metal. They're corn Oh my god You were hit with corn So I have corn growing on me now It's embedded in you The corn it looks like corn It's definitely not metal

But whatever nature Whatever is to this It's pure corn basically It's the corniest corn that could exist And as such You would need a harder corn to break this corn. Oh my god, fuck it all. All I need is rust, I say.

I will heal in time. All right. I believe we're somewhere quite far in time, perhaps. It was the safest place I could find us. I think we might be near, if not at, the beginning. Oh. Can I, like, I guess I can't move. Yeah.

What is the pool of water you're at? It's everything, she says. Oh. This is what creation sprung from. Either the gods made from it or it made the gods. I'm not sure. Be careful. Yeah, she says.

Don't fall in. I wouldn't. I wouldn't dream of it, she says. Anyway, you haven't any need of food. No. I have some in my. She pats one of her satchels. Unfortunately, while we're like this, I can't get any message out

because Little Drop's not going to be alive for some time. Well, I don't know. Do we need to wait? Well, I was thinking perhaps since I've got some food and since you don't need to eat, perhaps we could just wait. You will need food eventually. Well, I don't mean to stay. I mean to rest for a little while.

I see. I'm kind of missing some important magics and I need to sit a while and think on it. Okay. I rest my eyes, my red glowing eyes, down, and I'll hibernate. You and Captain Bell Barham take a long rest. The longest rest anybody's ever taken. You recover one level of exhaustion. Nice.

Oh, yeah, I forgot I was suffering that. Fuck. Big suffer. That's probably why I forgot I was suffering that. Fuck. Big suffer. That's probably why I suffered so badly in Corn Realm. Also, I mean, corn's one of the most powerful magics. It's not a type of magic. You're right. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

It's something else. It won't be for much longer. What's happening to Corn Realm? It's being consumed. To fuel the Iron Golem army. Fucking hell. Thank you. To be continued... scratch that itch. D&D is for Nerds Plus, the symbol, not the word, where you can listen to select campaigns that were once only available to Sants Pants Plus members, the further

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