D&D is For Nerds - The Search for A'Helm #1 On the Road to Fairburn Point

Episode Date: February 24, 2018

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If you've purchased any of the USB tapes or are a member of Sandspans Plus, astute listeners may notice some familiar names, places, and events to one of our other campaigns, Merchant of Great Birth 3. While you don't have to listen to that adventure to follow along, you might pick up on a few things. Merchant of Great Birth 3, along with 1 and 2,

are available for all our members over at Sandspans Plus. So, if you're thinking of supporting the show and want a heap more D&D content to listen to, just head to SansPansPlus.com to sign up today. Welcome to Episode 1 of The Search for a Helm, a D&D's for Nerds adventure. is for nerds adventure the three of you are traveling you're on the road towards fairburn point it's been a long hard bit of a slog of a travel but maybe you enjoyed it depending whether or not you enjoyed the company that you're with or maybe you just enjoy the outdoors that's up to you entirely i guess do we have horses yeah i'd say all three of you have horses i'm naming my horse blanche dubois a name that i just think is swell anyway the rest of you may name your horses if you so choose they belong to you they have not been like a gift from dad?

You would have gotten it because I'm your dad. It wasn't a gift directly from me. It might have been, actually. You own like lands, people pretty much, and you're quite wealthy. It wasn't a direct gift from me. It was like, Papa, I need a horse. And I was like, well, just take one. You're just like, you don't have me it was like papa i need a horse and i was like well

just take you're just like you don't have a horse fine here's a horse there's your pick you'd have a manor with stables and horses you're a lord so unnecessarily i'm gonna call my horse vengeance oh goodness a minor lord but a major knight that's good i minored in lords but i majored in knights i was gonna call my horse rodney but then as i was writing i wrote a instead of knight. That's good. I minored in lords but I majored in knights. I was going to call my horse Rodney but then as I was writing I wrote A instead of O so it's Radney. That's a real good read.

I imagine you're doing it like the horse naming certificate. You're like, what's the horse's name? Well. I wanted to call him Rodney but then I fucked up. Looking really like

official as you're signing it and then like you do the O and then you just come down with the A and you're just like just gotta look really casual and put together

just like up with the I's for two moments D glance around and back to it Rodney Blanche Dubois and Vengeance

God I wanna hear about the adventures of our horses why do I write my horse's name I just wrote it did I even write it LeBloir and Vengeance. God, I want to hear about the adventures of our horses. Why do I write my horse's name? I just wrote it. Did I even write it? I wrote it, I think, in treasure. It's a treasure to me.

I wrote it in additional features and traits and not on the lines. There is unfortunately no section on your character sheet for horses. There really should be a horse name section. Should there? Yes. There should. Horse name, dog name, all the names. Separate sheet.

Go on. On the road to Fairburn Point. So, Grace, you are a knight of the realm, a knight in good standing, very important knight. You have the king's ear himself. Goodness. You have been sent down to Fairburn Point to look for a specific person,

a seer known as a Helm. He's a very powerful diviner, well-respected up north, but probably not very well heard of down south here. These people tend to keep to themselves. Cool. Do you want me to go through my business? Yeah, sure. Let's go through your abilities.

Okay. Who are you? Tell us about Sir Grace. My name is Sir Grace. I am a 55-year-old knight. I've been knighting for a long time, and I'm severely depressed. My life of knighting, my years of knighting have taken their weighty toll on me, and I really just wish that I was elsewhere. Knighting just makes me unhappy. I'm an eldritch knight, which means that I have spells as well as swords, except I fight with a spear, so there you go.

My personality trait is that I'm not better than peasants. We're all equal. We're all going to die one day. My ideals is that I've got to protect my family. My bond is that I've got to protect my family. My bond is that... Spoilers. But in my knighting, something I'm trying to keep very secret

is that I made a pact with an eldritch being to get spells and junk. And if I die, I'm going straight to hell because of that pact. So that's my bond to the world is I don't want to die because if I do, gee whiz, it'll be bad for me. And my floor is that I have a scandalous secret, which is that I made a pact with an Eldritch being,

and if I die, I'll go to hell. Kind of very important to you. Yeah. I'd like to live. And, yeah, I've got a couple of spells, very fire-themed, fighting with a spear. That's about it, really. I'm lawful good.

You also have on your person a letter from the king himself. The king... Hold on. Go on. The king has instructed you that if at any point you are barred or someone in an official capacity tells you to stop or hampers your progress, you are to show them that letter, say that it is from the king, and that you have the king's permission to do whatever it is you are doing.

A missive from the king. It's kind of a one-use-only item, though, because once you've handed it to one person, imagine it like a pardon. Once you've handed it to one person, it's kind of been used on that person and the next person is going to be like it's unsealed directly from the king, that seems a little unlikely if it's unsealed and I give it to someone else

they're like, you stole this that would be the reasoning you'd assume quite possibly my name's Sir Jordan Grace, I said that, yeah? yes, Sir Jordan Grace I don't have a name what laugh was that? Grace, I said that, yeah? Yes, Sir Jordan Grace. Cool. Sir Grace. I don't have a more name. What love was that?

That was my, I didn't actually hear what you said. Well, thanks for your polite and strangely sleazy chocolate. Next, we're going to jump to, we'll say Sir Hector. Yes, the beautiful. Sir Hector the beautiful. You're going to give yourself the title? Yes, Sir Hector. Yes, the beautiful. Sir Hector the beautiful. You're going to give yourself the title? Yes. All right.

It was either that or the bold, and I went with the beautiful. Sir Hector the bold and the beautiful. Sir Hector, you are a Knight of the Order of the Sun, a Knight of the Sun for short, pretty much. It's a holy order, an order of knights devoted to the human pantheon, although often specifically the heads of the pantheon, gnomes and pannier. You would wear on your armor a tunic, and that tunic might have

emblazoned upon it the symbol of your order, the sun and stars. You've been sent here by the church, along with Ser Grace, basically on the same mission. The church and the king often work together on these sorts of things. Yep, church and state together at last, finally. Finally.

Got him. And appearing such as you is not really uncommon. Okay, cool. As you say, I'm Sir Hector. I think I'm going to try and, oh, let's see, what kind of, what stupid voice? I don't know. There we go.

That's good. All right. A little bit sing-songy. There we go. That's good. That's all right. A little bit sing-songy. There we go. Very soft-spoken, very polite person. I think I'm going to be, unlike 55, probably 26. A little father-dad. Yeah, there's a bit of father-dad to it.

A twing of Irish, isn't there? So I'm an Asmir. I'm not a human. I'm an angel boy. That's what an Asmir i'm not a human i'm an angel boy that's what an azmir is correct uh an azmir is someone whose bloodline has touched the celestial planes yes so you are uh your development was influenced by celestial means and so you look a little bit like an angel although technically speaking if someone to do it were to do a DNA test, you would show as human.

Diamond angel. Asmir, let's see here. So I am a paladin. I like to... I'm not a paladont. I'm a paladou. That's all right. Personality trait is that I'm a very optimistic person. So again, I think unlike where Sir Grace is a 55-year-old beaten down knight,

I'm a 26-year-old up and coming. No, no, no. Life is good. I'm one day away from retirement. I like to help those in need and I owe my life to the priest who took me in when my folks died, which I'm imagining happened, you know, not when I was a lad, but like, you know,

10 or something. And my flaw is that once I pick a happened, you know, not when I was a lad, but like, you know, 10 or something. And my flaw is that once I pick a goal, I become obsessed with it. I'm a little obsessive, optimistic angel boy. That sounds like one of those things where it's like you're in a job interview. They're like, what's your weakness? It's like, well, I'm too goal-oriented. I think you'll find that I'm too goal-oriented. If you give me a task, I will obsess over that task.

Some might say that I am a perfectionist. The classic. Too polite. I also realized that Blanche Dubois is from a streetcar named Desire. Yeah. You just realized that. I hadn't picked it. I just thought I'd come up with the name.

You're a dickhead. You are a bit of a dickhead. I'll cop it. That's true. Just letting everyone know that I only... I was like, Blanche Dubois, that's someone's name. There you go. And what else?

So, yeah, I am a... As me and they have a couple of abilities, I think. They have the... They talked... I have an angel that looks after me, right? Yeah, you have a... A daeval. A daeval, which is a specific type of angel.

A guardian who speaks to you sometimes in dreams. Good lady. She often takes, in your dreams, she often takes the form of like a Hindu goddess. So, you know, imagine a lot of piercings and... Multi-limbs. Jewelry. Yeah, multi-limbs, a lot of jewelry going on. Very like sort of a large creature as well.

Whenever you see it in your dreams you always see her as being like huge the height of she is very big like a mountain maybe not as big as a mountain but certainly like

like maybe 10 stories tall okay very large a 10 story high mountain that's I mean like that's a hill she's as big as a hill. Doesn't sound quite as

impressive. As big as a hill. She was as big as a hill. I fight with a greatsword, a two-handed greatsword, and as a paladin, I have a lot of healing abilities. I was going to say, oaths that I have to keep, because I am a neutral

good lad. And honesty, courage, compassion, honor, and duty. That's beautiful. The five tenets of your order. Yes. So I have to stick with them or I become not a paladin. I then become a paladont and then I'm just a guy with a stick. Don't want that.

No one wants to be the guy with a stick. No, sir, Ray. And as an azimuth because I get some I get some cool stuff, don't I? I can grow wings at some point. Goodness. How did you forget that? You have an ability called Radiant Soul, which means that you get plus six radiant damage on your attacks and you grow wings for a short while.

Gee whiz. How long does it take? Is it like a permanent? One day I'm like, I have wings! And then I fly for a bit. What do your wings look like? Angel wings. Get owl wings. I always imagine, if you look at the

what they look like in Azmi, because they don't look human, they look human-esque. But have you ever played like Diablo and Diablo 2, 3? I've played Diablo 3. You know the angels played Diablo 3. You know the angels in Diablo 3? How they have those weird glowy wings?

Oh, yeah. It almost kind of looks like those kind of wings, but more kind of false. Like wings of light. Man. And kind of deep purple skin. What? And eyes that are just glowing.

You're goofy looking. And hair that is white as well, yeah? Something like that. You, in the simp- Adam seemed so unhappy. He was like, rubbing his eye, I guess, Sam, but I don't know. I'm just thinking. Okay. In the same manner that a tiefling doesn't necessarily choose,

but a tiefling can look a lot like a devil if it wants, you could look a lot like an angel if you want. Anything up until including, like, a booming, commanding voice, like a devil if it wants you could look a lot like an angel if you want anything up and to including like a booming commanding voice just naturally a glowing white eyes sometimes maybe they're non-functional but they do have wings feathery wings uh and things like an aura about them so you shine naturally a white light halos are going a bit far, but... It can happen. It can happen.

Of course. Fuck, I love DMD. So, gifted by your order, someone very important, probably like a high priest within your order, you have been given, encased in amber, the finger bone of Saint Benedict, a famous saint of your order. Love that guy. Yep. Classic Benedict.

You are aware of tales that when you clutch the... Close to my heart. When you clutch it close to your heart, in times of unsure... unsureity? Do I want toast for breakfast or what? In unsure times, times where you feel you are being

tested, you can seek St. Benedict's wisdom and be shown the correct path. I don't think you use it like a magic eight ball. Just shake the finger. Spit it around, it'll point. Tell me, finger. Don't make that gesture at me. Well, again, if I can, if I don't have be an angel lad I'll just have like the white hair

Because I just want white hair in life So white hair, any possible And I'll have the glowy white eyes Because why the fuck not Imagine if you went orange as you aged Like you specifically No, but like Weirdly, my beard kind of does that

It went from being brown to Oh no, hints of red It's from being brown to being hints of red. It's not grey. Mine's got hints of red, but that's from Gustav. Good old Gustav. So I'd like to think white hair in a ponytail. A slick ponytail or a low cash ponytail?

Let's go high ponytail. High fantasy. Yeah. As long as hers as well. Longer. High ponytail. Ariana Grande? High fantasy, yeah. Yes. As long as hers as well. Longer. That's dangerous. So your ponytail will get sort of mixed up with your horse's tail when you're riding a horse.

I don't know if that's possible. Phenomenal. Radney is white. I'm going to braid you and your horse together. All right. Blanche DuBois, I imagine, is cream, but spackled. Cute. Vengeance, my horse, is jet black with little white socks.

Oh, yes. I knew Vengeance was jet black. There's no way Vengeance couldn't have been. Yeah, I just assumed. Vengeance, brown. Brown and a pony. Speaking of Vengeance. Vengeance, white with black spots.

What's vengeance's rider like? Well, vengeance's rider, her name is Tiffany Grace because she's a tiefling. She didn't name herself. God, that was whoever named her. Yes, Tiffany Grace is a tiefling. Keen-eared listeners will see that i'm also a grace like my adopted father um dad has his known to me that's my daughter right there the one with the horns adopted adopted not mine Yeah, he reminds me.

I am chaotic good. I'd written on my sheet C-H, and I got really confused. I'd just written it wrong. Chaotic who is? Out of course. You're a horse, but sometimes... C-H-O-N-G-O. Why is she writing her own birth certificate? Why is your alignment...

You just like to fill in your birth certificate there, infant child. Or then maybe you fill out your alignment certificate when you turn of age. Yeah. And it's like a little tiny segment where you have to write, like, you know, C, G, and you're like, K, C, H. You've got to really timely just, like, aortic. I was like, aortic wound. Shh. Yeah, they couldn't do it.

I was like, I was adopted out and then no one filled out my paperwork, so I sort of got to 16, had to start enrolling in, like, apprenticeships courses, and it's like, you don't have a birth certificate. Can you do one? It's like, oh, okay. I guess I'll fill in my own. Is this a parent job or do all kids have to do this? I wouldn't know.

You don't have a birth certificate. Can you do one? Can you just sort one out real quick? Can you just do a birth certificate? Ah yes, medieval times where everyone was so trusted. Where people had birth certificates. She's like technically

noble. The nobles aren't technically noble. Hurtful, but true. It'd be a scroll of pedigree, not a birth certificate. All right, so you're adopted. By Sir Grace. By Sir Grace. So you're a rogue, yes?

Yes. I'm a fighter, by the way, but you could tell, I'm sure. Yes, I am a rogue. I do a cheeky bit of thieving on the side. My personality traits? I like to talk at length about my profession. I'm well known for my work. What is that?

Well, I am a leathersmith, so I went off when I was a child. Dad encouraged me to go seek work. I showed an interest in leathersmithing, and Dad was like, hey, look, I will send you away. Having an adopted tiefling daughter not only raises questions about my own terrible secrets, it's also, you know, it's frowned upon. So I had to send her away. Fair enough.

Keep her out of the house. Yeah. So as a young child to sort of recently, I'm around 20 now, but I did my apprenticeship. I'm real good. I'm very good. I'm sure. I'm very well known for my work. A little bit to do with the fact that I am a tiefling in a predominantly human place.

And everyone knows who my dad is. So no one's going to give me grief. It's true. Who your adopted dad is. Adopted dad. Adopted dad. Not Maria. Okay.

It's a bit of a scandal that you have a tiefling as a daughter, especially adopted. You chose a tiefling. It's a bit tricky for me because, you know, I know he chose me, but he also doesn't want me. It's a complicated relationship we have. Yeah. So it's part of my personality trait, I really want people to appreciate

the work I do because I am quite good. I studied very hard to try and, you know, win over Dad's love. And I get really a bit iffy if people, like, haven't heard of me. It's like, yes, you have. Really? Think again. My ideal is that I have aspirations, so I work hard to be the best at my craft.

Champion. A title I believe I hold but plan to maintain. And my bond is that I will get revenge on the evil forces that destroyed my place of business and ruined my livelihood. Goodness. I believe it was a hate crime, but I don't know too much about it. I imagine so. It was burned.

It was burned down. Someone getting, like, back at Sir Grace, maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Stay out of... Is there, like, a racist term for tieflings, Adam? I don't want to say red skin. I feel like tiefling... Racist terminology.

I feel like people might just say tiefling, and that would be considered a very offensive thing to say. To call someone a tiefling. No, people would just consider like, your wife's just awful. She's a bit of a tiefling, know that like people would just consider like so your wife's just awful she's a bit of a tiefling you know what i mean oh really so tiefling i meant like if say it was a hate crime and like painted on the like you know knife ears for for yeah tiefling get out horn head horn heads no horn heads in my neighborhood. Or a tail butt. No tail butts in my neighborhood.

Horn heads. Okay. It's the slightly more reasonable one. Tiefling have horns and tails. Not all do. Yes, they have horns and tails. Horns and tail. Yes, they have horns and tails.

My flaw is that no one must ever learn that I stole money from the guild coffers, which is a bit sad because I didn't have to do it because my dad's a noble. I just wanted attention and I didn't want to ask him for anything. I didn't want to go back up and be like, Dad, I need money, because I kind of was worried that he would just say no and send me out and I wasn't prepared to deal with that. Imagine the, like, you know, you rob the coffers. But I guess you weren't caught though, were you?

Oh, no, I've never been caught. I will take this to my grave. Like imagine that classic scene if you're in the prison cell and I have to come and bail you out and it's a whole mess. But I guess nobody knows. And also you are a thief. Like that's what you do is for spare time and for fun. So I guess there's a lot of like just playing up, you know.

There's a lot of layers there. A lot of living in like, fuck you, dad. I'm going to steal whatever this is. Well, I don't want to ask you for anything. I want to be self-sufficient and make you proud, okay? Oh, jeez. Oh, gosh. Because I think we'll let the listeners in,

because even though you're his adopted daughter, so, Grace? So, when you make a pact with an evil devil that counts as your bloodline being touched by something dark like an eldritch being and that kind of causes a tiefling so uh when my wife may she god rest her soul during childbirth. The child that was born was a tiefling. But can't have that. Can't be having that. So I had to say she was adopted so I could still look after her.

But she doesn't know that she's my real daughter and every day it weighs on me so heavily. Nobody can find out, not even her. But hopefully on this trip she's an adult now. Hopefully this trip i can tell her that's the plan that's the goal yeah he asked me on this trip which i was real happy about yeah also because my place of work had been burnt down not much going on at home no no yep but i'm going to make the best leathers you've ever seen. My leathers are really good. I'm sure.

No doubt. No one's having a go. Fucking amazing leathers. You have been given by the man who you studied under, the leather worker who you studied under, Bruce. A small puzzle box. He said that, well, part of learning under him was that he would tell you that, like, you need a good head for leatherworking.

It's a very easy job to understand, but to master and perfect takes a very cunning mind. Intelligent. Sharp as a rock. Not a rock. Sharp as a blade. Sharp as a rock. Sharp as the blade that your leather armor must turn you probably would have said that's a good classic bruce and there is a very important item i think that you deserve

hidden within the puzzle box but you must be ready to get at it so you must be smart enough to know how to solve the puzzle box to get the item within. And he gave you the puzzle box. That'll keep me busy. Also, don't break it. I've had like three apprentices try to break it. It's delicate. Don't break it.

Could you still not get what's inside? The thing inside is delicate. You're breaking it and the box. Oh, I see. The box is not delicate. Okay, my bad. We should fucking stop breaking this. Oh, Bruce.

Bruce seems like he has it rough. He goes for apprentices. Yeah. Apprentice I? He's an old man. He's had a few. There's a slightly higher demand for apprentices than time and stuff that he has. It's mainly just him.

He's like, oh, God, I'm just going to keep churning him out. There's no time for Bruce, you know? When's Bruce's time to just sit alone and make some leather? Bruce wants to become a holiday apprentice. That's what he wants to do. And what does Tiffany the Tiefling look like? Wait, what was the name again? Tiffany?

Tiffany. Tiffany. Because as I was writing, they. Wait, what was the name again? Tiffany? Tiffany. Tiffany. Because as I was writing, they're like, what's the name? I'm like, looking at this tiefling baby being like, Tief. And then I turn, I'm like, Ernie. She's Tiffany. Lying to a, what is it, nursemaid or whatever? Who's slightly blind and can't see the child properly.

Oh, yeah. Good point. Thank God she was blind for a second. I was like, did I have to get her killed? Did I have to blind her a little bit? It's fine, it's fine. She's sworn to secrecy. The little baby has something on its bottom.

It's fine. That's normal. That's just the umbilical cord. Give it to me. Let's just quickly go through childbirth. My mother and my sister both had the lump on their... She got lumps on their head as well. Ah, classic.

I think we're just going to quickly, just as a prologue, we're just going to go through this childbirth thing quickly. And what does Tiffany look like? We haven't actually discussed this. Do I take after mum? One hopes. I'm going gonna say sure okay so that's gonna be real hard for you

that's right you remind me of my wife but evil and evil like a demon but if my wife was like a satan my wife had red skin horns, tail and possibly cloven hooves really?

yes this was a big debate a while back because Adam was like I want cloven hooves. Really? Yes, this was a big debate a while back. Because Adam was like, I want cloven hooves. And Adam's like, you can't have cloven hooves. And Adam was like, look it up. And Adam was like, well, it's ambiguous in the manual. And Adam's like, that's a definite. I get cloven hooves. He won in the end.

So you can have cloven hooves if you want. If I had cloven hooves, I could do the conga with my horse. You could. I could do the conga with my horse. You could. I could do that anyway. But if you had hooves and someone was looking from, like, the knees down, they might think the horse had six legs. I could do that to hide through, like, unappreciative neighbourhoods. I could just pretend the horse is deformed.

Perfect ruse. I don't know about that. Oh, what about I throw my body over the horse and cover most of it with a cloak so it looks like someone's just carrying goats on a horse. Hey, why is that a horse carrying red goats? Or just have human feet.

No, no, Adam. We're working this out. Calm down. We're talking about the hoof issue. So I would say yes. Chaotic hoof. There say yes. Chaotic hoof. There we go. Chaotic hoof. So yeah, red skin. Puffs? What kind of colour? Because you can have different colours.

Can you? Can you be blue as a tiefling or did I make that up? Yeah, I think you can be blue or purple. I'd say you can. Whatever, Adam can't fight. Adam's too busy yawning. What colour's gonna die? You can be, yeah, you can be blue if you want. It would be funny to be blue because I was born of sadness. Plus blue blood.

There's a lot going on there. Okay, I'm blue. Can I be like a nice pale blue? Yeah, I was imagining you like Robin's egg blue, like a powder blue. Yeah, Robin's egg blue. I'm Robin's egg blue. I've got curly horns. Like a ram's horns?

Yeah, they're like sort of close to your head a bit as well. They sort of curl around. I don't know how I wash my hair at all. Are we talking like Princess Leia buns close? No, you know, like a ram's, like a real... I know, but like when she did a gesture, she was putting it right up against her head. So they kind of look Leia-esque.

Don't call me an idiot, you fucking idiot. I don't think I did. You were implied. I know you. Don't even try to play this card. Anyway, go on. Okay, so I have robin's egg blue skin. I've got a tail.

It's prehensile, but it can't really carry anything. So sometimes I use it to wipe away Dad's tears when he cries. I need it. I need it. You do. Could I carry a cloth on it to clean? I guess a cloth, yeah, that's not very heavy. Like a handkerchief. Yeah, like a

hanky. A lady's favour. I can give favours to knights via a tail. Can you you though? Because would they accept that? Look, I've stood in my hands to slap them. This is the father. It depends.

This murky area. Larry, my daughter, take her away from here. How much land you got? How far away is it? I'm not selling you off. Don't worry. Dad? It's not happening.

I gotta keep an eye on you. Let's not get into the deep interpersonal politics of what nights it would be rude and what nights it wouldn't be rude. I'll take it as advice not to do it. You could certainly try, and gosh, it'll be an interesting scenario if you do. Oh my gosh, I just had a vision of like dad being like

Oh god I didn't teach her to talk to boys Or girls And then being like Go talk to him I'm getting excited my tail whacks The guy freaks out And you're there immediately With the sword

Do you wear any sort of regal garment? I imagine that I do I was going to ask that What realm? What's the name of the realm? the sword and just like do you wear any sort of regal garment i imagine that i do i was gonna ask that what realm what's the name of the realm because i'm a knight of the realm candor knight of candor well i wear whatever candor symbol is on my so just like in impact text candor the most default sigil. No. It would probably be just like a sun and then a crown on the sun. Cool. That's a sun king.

Yeah, I'd do that probably. And maybe have some like... What do you call them? Like on your spear, you got like a... Oh, a house sigil. Yeah, like a house sigil on the spear. Which could be whatever you choose it to be. Don't.

Don't. Don't. Sir Grace. Dolphins leaping out of a man's buttocks. That's what I'm expecting. Well, the reason the person that sprung to mind was a woman's dainty slipper. Well, I guess. House Grace We're proud We all salute the slipper

You don't salute a house sigil You idiot The grace slipper I can be always upset that I can never wear a slipper The house sigil is whatever you want it to be. It's a slipper. It's a dainty woman's slipper. What would you like your house motto to be? Give me time. I'll come back to you on that one.

Fuck. Was there something? God damn it. Tiffany, there was something I needed to say. Fuck. Tiffany. Tiffany. I forget. We're on the way to fair play We're finally on the path Complicated interpersonal relations

And how sigils sort it out What colour is your sigil? I imagined it pale pink No, kind of like a creamy white And then the border on the inside Is like a pale pink And the slipper is maybe like gold thread That is very nice Can I make it? And then the border on the inside is like a pale pink. And the slipper is maybe like gold thread.

That is very nice. That is nice. Can I make it? Yeah, please. Make it out of lava. I have tanned a golden goose for you, Papa. Thank goodness. Through the tree line, you can see Fairburn Point. And beyond Fairburn Point, you can see the Lonely Tower.

What's the Lonely Tower? The Lonely Tower is... No, you would know legends of the Lonely Tower. It's this about a kilometer, or maybe over than a kilometer, you're actually not sure, kilometer-high tower sitting way out to sea. Okay. It has this natural formed, but also magical looking seawall around it.

And you know that, well, you probably have heard tales that the wizard that lives within is some sort of powerful lich experimenting with awful, evil, undead magic. We should do something about that. Not today, but one day. Somebody should take care of it. No one really tries to anymore because there's like any tales of people going there and at about there. They leave and they never come back.

At the end of the day, Hector is not doing any harm. But we could be the ones. He experiments in the tower and then he makes his experiments. But we could be the ones. He experiments in the tower and then he, you know, he makes his experiments. But we could be the ones that finally defeat him. I sit silently and think about how me and the tower

have a connection. Some people say that the wizard within the tower is dead and that's why no one's seen them for nigh centuries. Okay.

Some people say that a wizard who experiments with the undead probably isn't dead. That seems like the more reasonable... That's all logic. I'll pay that. That's fair. It's all up for a little bit of debate.

You know that the locals are very hesitant to talk about this sort of stuff, and if you mention the Lonely Tower to any of them, it's like the fastest way to shut down a conversation. Goodness. They'll shut up and leave you alone. Man. Well, I feel

like someone has to do something about that, but not us. That's not our job. But not today because we need to look for a boy. Or a man. What do we know about Alhelm? Alhelm? Do I know that he is a what? You know, well, you have a basic description of him. You know he has like a scar along one cheek.

Adam, what's his hair like? Big. I'll take it as big. You've just given him big hair. He's got big hair? You could have just made his body small. Ah, he's bald. Oh, man, I gave him big hair already.

Thanks for the eraser. He's very frail and incredibly sickly okay uh the affliction wow well you could call it an affliction if you want but he was um something happened to him in his childhood where uh it caused him like his body to develop very poorly so he's got a bit of a hunch his limbs are very thin and he's physically very weak okay but uh it expanded kind of like his mental faculties to be able to see far beyond the regular world so he's considered a very powerful and experienced seer diviner if you will i am unhappy with the picture you have drawn jack but okay i if you if you've spoken with any like lords or ladies or anyone who might have spoken with him,

they would describe him as being very charismatic. He's a very powerful presence that he projects quite easily. Fair enough. Okay. Other than that, you probably would... Let's find out, actually. All three of you. Let's see what we know about this lovely...

What do we know about this lovely... About old Honchy. I guess Tiffany. Tiffany. Tiffany. I'm never going to get that right. Tiffany, you have perhaps done some research, maybe, like, asked around before you guys left, maybe to try and impress your dad. I can assure you I 100% did did that you know that he kept animals he whenever he would go to see the king

and he would often have audiences with the king he would have his own quarters there and he would keep animals there so you know that he's quite handy with animals you maybe heard some of the like maids around the king's keep. You would have gone to see the king personally to get this quest. Well, I have the ladder from him. Some of the maids maybe spoke about how he liked to hum to himself a lot. And

that's a little bit of extra that you would know. Oh, that's nice. If you feel free to share that. I feel like, would you have told us already? I told Dad the moment I found out. I came running in and was like, Dad, Dad, Dad. Papa. Dad, I did some research.

So it turns out that this guy that we're looking for, right? So, you know, when you're taking me on this mission. So he kept a lot of animals. So whenever he'd say we're the king, he would like have his own room for the animals as well. He also liked to hum. You sound that as if it's like like and he's also a tiefling that's uh thank you thank you tiffany um did you ever hum dad when i was a young man i did oh i sang songs. Get a point of inspiration. All right.

Did you? Oh, how I sang, Teefany. Inspiration is just kind of something that you are awarded when you role play. So, you know, your personality trait, your ball on your floor, blah, blah, blah. If at any point you role play especially well to them, you can ask me, or maybe I might just notice, and I can be like, alright, you get a point of inspiration. Inspiration, you hold onto it until you want to use

it on a role. And when you use it on a role, you get a bonus, a massive bonus on that role. But you can also use it on a friend. So, say for example, your good friend Sir Hector is trying to do something. You could be like, I'd like to use my inspiration to help Sir Hector is trying to do something. You could be like, I'd like to use my inspiration to help Sir Hector.

Inspiration is not like a resource. You can't hoard it. You either have inspiration or you don't. It's not something that you can try to game the system for. Alas. It's just like points for being a good role player. Yes. Love it. Can my armor be gold, by the way? It's just like Points for being a good role player Cool Yes

Love it Can my armor be gold By the way Sorry Can my armor be gold In blozen In blazen In blazen

Yeah I like to think mostly Kind of like You know Jamie Lannister Yeah that's what I'm Kind of imagining you Also looking like a baby

It might be gold plated Yeah yeah yeah That I'm balding I don't know if I match So you're balding I kind of want to also looking like a baby. It might be gold-plated. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that. I'm balding. I don't know if I match. You're balding? I kind of want to have, like, the Jamie Lennis, the kind of, like, in season one, the long kind of hair.

I'm balding and I have stubble. That's clearly because I just can't be bothered shaving. You have, like, the 1990s boy band. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. Just, like, fucking young and handsome. Clean-shaven fucking young and handsome. Clean shaven. Old and sad. The ladies of the court fucking love you, Hector. Glowing eyes.

They loved you, Grace. Then you got old and sad. And adopted some kind of demon baby. What's that about? I braided my hair around my horns, so people just think I have a really big hairdo. I like to think it impresses people. It might not.

I still have very blue skin. I was like, you're not really going to hide much. They know. They know a lot. Maybe it just shows more of your blue skin, to be honest. I don't think you're just like, oh, daughter, I bought you this dress for you. It's got a hood.

That's an idea. Oh my gosh, you totally gave me a regal hood. Looks really lovely on you. A floor-length cape that does up at the front. Also at the bottom to cover my hoofs. It's got an extra large hood. It looks like a novelty mascot

mouth. It's giant. You know that red riding hood kind of like it looks nice but the purpose is obvious you you look beautiful in it you should wear it all the time it's like it's like another color like it's a different shade of blue or something that makes the blue look less blue yeah yeah maybe also blue yeah it's not because then people might, if they see you like briefly, they'll be like, I guess it's just the outfit. Maybe it's just some light reflecting. Maybe she's just got a giant head and

shoes that go close. What I like is that I could have gotten a spell, probably. But no. A big cape. Or a cloak. Alright, so we're on the road. On the road. Yes. You're finishing camp for the night. For the

morning, I should say. You're packing up. Today you should expect to get into Fairburn Point, maybe around midday. Cool. In the distance, you can also see, not just the Lonely Tower, but off to the east, you can see a massive column of smoke. You know, quite obviously, that see a massive column of smoke you know quite obviously

that whatever made this column of smoke would have had to been simply enormous some sort of gigantic fire or some like sort of awful incident has occurred you can quite obviously tell do we think it could be connected to a helm from our information you have no reason to believe that what what kind of pillar is it like um like a an attack kind of smoke black smoke is it like from a focal point or is just like it's there uh like i'm like you know if it's like oh there's orcs raiding over there we should go investigate or is it like this is from far away the smoke is definitely far away like it's days travel away uh But to be able to see it from here, it's obviously large. You know that it's

coming from the vague area of Sunsen, which if you look on the local outlying city map, Sunsen is one of the settlements. It's probably, it's definitely not a good omen, but you wouldn't necessarily associate it with something like goblins or orcs or cogs.

We'll ask when we got into it could be a bushfire like it's not something fire it's not something you'd be like oh we have to go over there it doesn't seem like an immediate and like it's not our job so that is very interesting strange i wonder what that is i'm sure it's fine you can check it out later i guess if you want you guys can no it's i'll stay with you it's fine perhaps we will just see we can do good for the realm so grace yeah i mean yeah yeah i suppose okay the main you know that saying never meet your heroes i feel i'm very much there right now yeah you know when you have to help out the common people. I mean, they generally take care of themselves.

Often, Hector, this is a bit of advice for you, often you'll find you're more of a nuisance than anything else. Ten gods do the job of one night and every town has ten gods. Well, I guess, but sometimes... I mean, we're here to represent... I'm out, Blanche Dubois. We're here to represent the realm.

Hector, look, you do you. Okay. Let us get into Fairbairn. Maybe we'll find a home there. I feel oddly confident that the way Dad's letting down someone else that's not me. Yeah, that's just Dad. That's just Dad. Does that to everyone?

He puts the saddle up next to Tiffany. Your father, I heard great stories when he was a young man, but this seems not that man. Yeah, he does that. I slump forward on my horse. I know he can hear us. Like head just on the back of the horse's head. I mean, you must have been his adopted daughter.

He must have taught you some amazing swordplay and how to be an amazing hero and adventurer, correct? Well, you'd really think that, but I have no childhood memories of my father. The one time he got me

to fill out my own adoption paper oh don't know really why he did that the northern gate to fairburn point that you arrive at is very busy there's carts filled with coal lined up just as far as you can see and there's a large massive clumps of people at every gate to the city these people look just dreadful like they've been through the ringer the clothes they wear are bare and uh loosely threaded they seem to be carrying whatever possessions they own they look like refugees escaping a water zone you've never never seen any, well, maybe you, Sir Grace, have seen something like this before in your many years, but

Tiffany. It's not even hard. Just start saying Tiefling, stop in the middle, start saying Tiffany, but don't say the Tiefling. Miss Grace. That hurts. And Sir Hector, you probably would never have seen anything like this before at least not

at this scale there's hundreds if not thousands of people at these gates trying to get into the city all right is it like are we just like up the back well you're probably i wouldn't say that you would have waited behind the line of cards i'm gonna say you're smart enough to not do that. But you certainly don't look like you could make your way through the people without bodily pushing them aside. Doing that because I have to dismount. You would have to dismount at some point. All right. But to get to the gates is almost impossible without pushing, shoving, or yelling.

If we're like, excuse me, what is going on? I just grab one of these refugees. Ask the nearest refugee, Excuse me, what is going on? I just grabbed one of these refugees Ask the nearest refugee Excuse me, what is going on? He turns to you with this like dead sort of look on his face And he says What do you mean? We're trying to get into the city

But where are you coming from? I've never seen this before I don't know Some of us are from Sunsen Some of us are from Sunson. Some of us are from Jones Bluff. Jones Bluff is another settlement not too far away. Something wrong at these places? What happened?

Well, at Sunson there was a... I don't know. I just don't know. It just happened suddenly. There was like an explosion. The ground tore apart. I think the gods were angry, he says. A little answer himself.

Always possible. I want to look at Sir Grace. I was going to point to the Lonely Tower, but... Could be the gods. I don't know. And Jones Bluff. A massive host of hobgoblins and orcs attacked. Right.

They were overrun. A lot of us are refugees from there as well. We should do something about this. Are you okay? Well, just to the meagre supplies he has, I'm as okay as anyone else here, I guess. I give him a gold piece. Alright, I got you.

I got your gold right here. I give him a comforting pat on the shoulder with my tail. Is he afraid of you? So the shell shock vanishes the instant you pat him with his tail.

He falls to the ground, dropping his possessions and starts screaming. Oh no, son. Other people begin to notice and they begin to scream. Tiffany, Tiffany, we've spoken about this, you just can't be touched. A panic begins. No, everybody calm down.

To be honest, Tiffany, maybe it's good because we can just head through. Highs or lows? Walk through the panic. Highs. No one will know. Oh, man. Oh, man. Alright, so the panic only extends

to about maybe 30 feet from you. So people are like clamoring, stepping over each other, scrambling, clawing to get away from you. But like, it's kind of like some sort of barrier. So if you move through them, they kind of like fall back around you. Okay. It's like you've got just a buffer, a 30 feet buffer all around you.

It's kind of been useful in the Antiphony, yeah. Yeah. Okay. It's like you've got just a buffer, a 30-feet buffer all around you. It's kind of been useful in the end, Tiffany, yeah. Yeah. You're welcome. I'm very sorry to cause any panic. Let's head through. We're not here for any alarm. Let's step through. Let's step through.

We'll step through. Are you just going to make your way towards the gate? We'll just use this radius of scared people as like a barrier. I've got my tail at the ready if I need to stroke anyone else. You just need to jab people as you walk past get out of it i remember what i forgot about you before tifani your abilities we didn't go through your abilities oh yeah my abilities your tiefling biz so uh you've got dark vision which uh you also have sir hector i saw you glancing your character sheet i don't

know if that was to check whether or not you had it as well not really but you also have it dark vision means that you can see twice as far as a regular human in low light conditions and if there's no light you can still see to a limited degree but it's only in black and white so you've got like this weird almost extra vision that a human wouldn't uh you also have hellish resistance so you take half damage when it's fire because of your in you know your infernal abilities you're just resistant to fire you get some spells which is your infernal legacy you get a sneak attack which is extra damage when you catch an enemy unawares. Don't necessarily worry too much about that. I'll try to manage that for you to try and get you to sneak attack.

You get cunning action. Cunning action means that as a bonus action, you could run an extra bit. You could disengage from a fight and you can hide. Just in addition to anything else you can do in a round of combat. Cool. And you get uncanny dodge. So once a turn, if you see do in a round of combat. Cool. And you get Uncanny Dodge. So once a turn, if you see an attack coming, you take half damage.

Brilliant. That's a good one. I like that. Have I missed anything? Mage Hand, I think. Oh, Mage Hand Ledger Main. I don't know actually how to pronounce that word. But that means, so your Magege hand spell you can pick pockets

put pockets you know, you like put something in someone's pocket it's a classic put pocket and pick locks with your mage hand that's cool although you still need to make a check to make sure you can do it without people noticing that's fair super cool, magic bloody pick pocket

did you want me to get that cold coin back? not at all. I gave that in good faith. It is fine. Okay. It's all right. Dad, do you want a cold coin?

Speaking of spells and abilities, fine, it's not. Please don't. I got dark vision, so same thing. Celestial resistance, very opposite, I guess, of the... Kind of the opposite. You get resistance against necrotic and radiant damage,

which is good and evil damage, pretty much. So a healing hand is one arrest, so I can heal. Yeah, you get a healing ability. A second lay on hands. Yes. Light bearer, so I can cast light at will. Yes, you always have the light spell. Because why do I have dark vision and light?

Anyway. Well, light would mean that you can help someone else see. Divine sense. So what is divine sense? Divine sense is a paladin ability. You can detect the presence of undead or fiends. Okay. So just at will, you can sort of scan the area and their presence shows.

Divine smite and divine health. Divine health means that you're immune to disease. Oh, cool. Divine, what was the other one? Smite. Divine smite that you're immune to disease. Ah, cool. Divine, what was the other one? Smite. Divine smite is just a smite ability. So when you activate it, let me look it up because I can't remember if it's one attack

or if it lasts for a period. I just have all the typical fighter abilities. Oh, I completely forgot. I've also got guild membership. Oh, hey, if there's a leather guild in here, you can probably get in. You'd be surprised if there wasn't, to be honest. Hey!

That's how we're in. Once we're like, look, we have a letter from the king, like, we don't recognise the king, like, we have a letter from the guild. Ah, come right in! This town is run by the leather guild. They come out like the guild members of Munchkinland and sing a song. We represent the Latherwork

The Latherwork guild Why were they so menacing? When you hit an enemy with a melee attack You can spend one of your spell slots So lose a spell To deal holy damage as well The higher the spell that you sacrifice The more

The more powerful the smite is Gotcha and I've got sacred weapon Which is one arrest which I can then The higher the spell that you sacrifice, the more powerful the smite is. Gotcha. And I've got sacred weapon, which is one arrest, which I can then make my weapon a sacred. Yeah. So you get a bonus plus five on your attack rolls. And your weapon also emits a bright light in a 20-foot radius. And then I'll... Turn the unholy?

Yeah. So I can do either one of those once a day. Yes, once a day. And turn the unholy is just like, be gone, undead thing. Be gone, foul wretch. Go away. Get out of it. Would it be so kind if you could just fuck off?

Thank you very much. And I have weapon bond, which means I can like thaw my spear to myself. Pretty much, yeah. Aura of protection. Is that always happening? Yes, that's constant around you. So I believe it's 10 feet or 5 feet. But within that radius, you and all of your allies get plus your charisma to all of their saving throws.

Cool. That's good. That's fantastic. Which is fine. Can I weapon bond both my weapons? Yeah, you have two and you can do two weapon bonds. It's real cool when kind of like goofy looking with a light crossbow. It's just like, it's messy.

Anyway, we'll go up to the front gate using our aurora fear. Okay. There are city guard at the gate, But by the nature of your progress there People stumbling over each other The guards actually get overwhelmed And you guys can just walk in if you want I think so We'd like to maybe go see the guard

Again, we're people here on a mission We're not just Where to go? I hide behind Dad. Go see the noble or whatever. The high lord. There's definitely a keep. You can see the castle. No, look, look.

Look, you've kicked up a fuss. Excuse me, sir. One of the guards slowly gets to his feet after being knocked bodily onto his arse. As he is dusting himself off, he looks at you three and bulks at the sight of your onto his arse. As he is dusting himself off, he looks at you three and balks at the sight of your

adopted daughter. But I hate... But I meant to be sneaky. I should have put more evidence. It is okay, sir. That's fine, Tiffany. Don't... He doesn't run, but his hand is on his sword. Don't worry. Look, we are

knights from Kandor. Who are you? What is the meaning of this? I'm Sir Jordan Grace. You're here to help. I'm Sir Hector. Perhaps you've heard of us. That's my dad. This is my daughter. That's my dad. Sir Duncan. Alright. No, we're all... Alright, calm down.

That's fine. Was it Sir Duncan? No. Sir Jordan Grace. Sir Jordan Grace. He's a very famous... Was a famous knight. I am. Was that Sir Duncan? No. Sir Jordan Grace. Sir Jordan Grace. He's a very famous, was a famous knight. I am. I'm a leather smith. Yeah. Yeah, I guess.

Do you have a leather smithing guild here? I'm actually a member of the guild. Heyselos. Heys. Heyselos. Miss Grace. Is that so? Oh, is it? Yeah.

What do you want here? We're looking for a helm. Who? I'm not sure. He's a seer. Powerful seer. He has animals. He's got pets.

He hums a lot to himself. He's a humming boy. The humming hunchy boy? The humming hunchy boy. I don't... You're better off talking to a lord or something, he says. Where's the quickest way to the keep? He gestures down the main street.

Just follow the main street through the second city gates. You'll be in the noble area there. And, like, I mean, you can see the castle. I want to give you a, like, not a withering look. I just want to look at you, real blank faced. I said it was fine if we kept going. I turn around and head for the keep. Your father is rude.

I'm just old. You're very rude. He was right, though. I'm not saying he was. He got you, though. He was right. He was right. You should listen to him all the time.

I was just trying to be polite to the guards, to let them know that we're here. Stop trying. Tiffany. Yes, Adam. You did it. Hey. You look over your shoulder as you're walking away.

You can see the guards at the gate. A bunch of them congregate together around that guard that you spoke to. And he just very rudely, you might say, is staring at the back of your heads as this conversation is happening around him and sort of with him. After the conversation finishes,

one of the city guard runs in your direction. At first, you think maybe he's coming towards you but then he just runs straight past you you can tell he's running towards the keep can i grab him as he goes past just like extend a hand and grab his cuff yeah sure you like grab him as he runs past where are you going to inform the lord of your presence i'll inform the lord it's fine We're heading there ourselves. I'm going to make that an intimidation check. That's fine.

I guess in many ways it is. Yep. Perhaps you would like to escort us. He doesn't say anything. He just stops moving. And so you guys, are you mounted on your horses again? You can be mounted again. No, I was walking.

So you three leading your horses, just kind of like outpace him standing there. Perhaps you would like to escort us. I never called your name. Gotcha, Adam. I'll give you a name. My name is... Ento. Ento Bento.

That's all you can think of now is Ento Bento. My name is Vasha. What a Vasha. Why don't you... I'm not writing it down. You're never is Vasha. What a Vasha. Why don't you come? I'm not writing it down. You're never meeting him again. What a Vasha. I'm going to take him on this whole journey, Adam.

Good luck. All right. Well, young Vasha, if you could please escort us to the keep, to the lord of this, to Fairburn Point. That would be very helpful. Certainly, my lord. You know the local lord here is Lord Michael Clark. What's the king's name as well?

Everyone laughs at this name. Shut up. It's funny. Michael Clark. Lord Michael Clark and Lady Kate Clark. Kate Clark. Classic. Yeah, what's the king's name?

The king? Yeah, like my mate. Yeah, his mate. My lord. Old mate. King Greybeard. Greybeard. Oh, no, sorry.

It's something the grey. Greybeard is a Skyrimard? Oh, no, sorry. It's something the grey. Greybeard is a Skyrim thing. No, it's something the grey. King the grey. Harold. I'll just call him the king. King. Just call him the king.

Huh? Just call him the king. Grey king. But all right. Something the grey. King Liam Neeson's the grey. King Liam the grey. I keep wanting to say Gerald. King Liam the grey. All right,on's the grey. King Liam the grey. I keep wanting to say Gerard.

King Liam the grey. Alright, that's the king. King Liam the grey. Great thing about kings is they drop like flies. We'll have a different one next time. Yeah, I'm sure. Not if I keep him alive. He's already dead, mate.

Why would I tell you my plan if there was even an iota that you could stop I killed the king we have to turn around we have to go we killed the king 45 minutes ago no we were just finishing camp then as the king was

shitting himself to death in his chair then I'm gonna frame fucking blue balls for it and the world will come together though so it's that's all right okay all right anyway what's your name vashi vasha vasha vasha yes okay vasha if you could please take us to uh lord michael clark that would be very much appreciated uh vasha leads the way for you guys. You get a lot of weird stares as you pass the street. Sometimes people maybe catch a glimpse of your daughter,

but also Hector, you know, turns a lot of heads. Sometimes people recognize one of you for what you actually are, and you get more than just a turning of a head. You get, like, a scream or someone drops what they're holding, but you're both pretty used to this treatment by now. Every person who screams, I have to smile and nod at them. Probably no one screams at you. Okay.

Everyone who screams, I'd like to glare at. For real? Yeah. All right. I give a smile, like, please like me. I'm a bit embarrassed, like, oh, I'm so sorry, Dad. I'm sorry I'm like a bit embarrassed, like, oh, I'm so sorry, Dad. I'm sorry I'm like this. God, our relationship is so strange.

I just don't like the room. Poor Tiffany. Yeah. Poor Tiffany Grace. I'm kind of feeling sorry, like her old man's a bit of a cunt, and now everyone's screaming at her. I give awkward smiles and wave with my hands. I pull my cape sort of around my hooves a cunt. And now everyone's screaming at me. I give awkward smiles and wave with my hands. I pull my cape sort of around my hooves a bit tighter

and try and keep as little as possible. Get the hood up. Yeah, I flip the hood up. I actually have a cape here. Yeah, you would have a cape. Yeah, I pull the hood up and try and cry really subtly. Oh, God. Get a point of inspiration.

Yes. Will anyone notice Tiffany crying softly? Find out next time on The Search for a Helm, a D&D is for Nerds adventure. Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter, you'll find us at Sandspanceradio. Or you can find us individually.

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