D&D is For Nerds - The Search for A'Helm #2 A Meeting Over Scones

Episode Date: March 3, 2018

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Sans Pants Radio, kiss me on my lip! Sorry! Hey everyone, after a very successful tour of Australia, our sister show, Plumbing the Death Star, is continuing its get-cooked tour for the Melbourne International Comedy Fest. We're performing for two shows only, Saturday the 14th and 21st of April. Head to sanspantsradio.com slash live for info on venue, times, and where to grab tickets.

Both shows are completely different topics, and under-18s are welcome, but come with a parent or guardian. Ideally, your nan. She loves it when we talk Avengers to her. Once again, head to sanspantsradio.com slash live to grab your tickets today. Welcome to episode two of The Search for a Helm, a D&D's for Nerds adventure. Provelously. So, Grace, you are a knight of the realm, a knight in good

standing, very important knight. You have the king's ear himself. You have been sent down to Fairburn Point to look for a specific person, a seer known as a Helm. Next, we're going to jump to, we'll say, Sir Hector. Yes, the beautiful.

Sir Hector the beautiful. You're going to give yourself the title? Yes. All right. Well, Vengeance's rider, her name is Tiffany Grace because she's a tiefling. She didn't name herself. Keen-eared listeners will see that I'm also a Grace, like my adopted father.

Dad has his known to me. It's a bit of a scandal that you have a teethling as a daughter, especially adopted. You chose a teethling. It's a bit tricky for me because, you know, I know he chose me, but he also doesn't want me. The house sigil is whatever you want it to be. It's a bit tricky for me because you know I know he chose me but he also doesn't want me The house sigil is whatever you want it to be It's a slipper

What would you like your house motto to be? Give me time I'll come back to you on that one In the distance you can also see, not just the Lonely Tower, but off to the east you can see a massive column of smoke You know

quite obviously that whatever made this column of smoke would have had to have been simply enormous. Some sort of gigantic fire or some like sort of awful incident has occurred. You can quite obviously tell. We're looking for

a help. Who? I'm not sure. Try and keep as little as possible. Get the hood up. We're looking for a help. Who? I'm not sure. Yeah. Try and keep as little as possible. Get the hood up. Yeah, I put the hood up. I actually have a cape here. Yeah, you would have to.

Yeah, I pull the hood up and try and cry really subtly. Oh, God. Get a point of inspiration. Yeah. You make your way through Fairbone Point to the city keep. Once you get inside the keep, there's this massive hallway, which the city guard takes you to a side of. And in the side hall, it's like a dining area.

There's these massive, three massive wooden tables, long ones with many chairs of them. You imagine, you know, for feasts and such. Right now there's nothing set out at the table, but there's a maid who looks like she's setting plates for a meal. When you guys come in, she looks at you and gives you all, like, very quizzical looks. Vasha walks over to her and is like, it's fine, just go fetch the Lord.

And she, you know, hurries off to fetch the Lord. I sit down at the table. Good afternoon. And we sit down. Vasha nods and says, I'll be off. Thank you a bunch. Thank you. Vasha, you're a big help. I wave with my tail as it's leaving. Always bet on Pierce, Adam. Remember?

Pierce? Pick a colour. Purple. Blue. Pierce, purple and blue. All the colours of the rainbow. Hector and Tiffany, you both notice as he sort of bows a little bit to leave, you can tell, first off, when he opens the door, he doesn't head towards the exit. He heads in another direction. And second off, just from the way that he sort of said goodbye and what he was doing before,

you're like, he had an ulterior motive and he's going to go do that ulterior motive now. You're not sure what that is. I'm staring off into the middle distance. Whatever he had planned, he's doing it. I would like to very slowly rise from where I am. Vasha.

Vasha's gone at this point. Oh, he left? Yeah, he left. It's fine. I sit back down. Should we follow him? I can follow him. We'll sort out whatever when it happens. I begin taking off my gauntlets. I guess you might have armor on. If it's going to be a problem

when it happens, that's when we'll deal with it. I unhook myself. We don't know where he's going. A side door opens after maybe ten minutes of waiting. A side door opens after maybe ten minutes of waiting. A side door opens. And the maid comes back out. She's got a tray laden with tea, scones, biscuits, that sort of the like. She sets it down in front of you and nearly drops it when she, like, is trying to not stare at you three.

Rightio. Thank you very much. She starts pouring you tea As two more people come in A very elderly looking man He looks just like Age and time has Destroyed this human being Imagine from Lord of the Rings

What's that King of the Row Or whatever The guy's got a worm tail whispering in his ear He eats chicken gross Yes of the Rowan or whatever? The guy's got a worm tail whispering in his ear. He eats chicken gross. Yes. Remember he eats chicken and Pippin sings him a song.

Yeah. Yeah. I thought chicken gross was its own product. I've heard of chicken wings, but I've not heard of chicken gross. You just get the grossest parts of the chicken.

It's like you get your giblets and you know the little dangly bit in a turkey? Yeah. That, put it in a bowl, get some spices, mix it up and fry it. There you go. Chicken gross. Chicken gross.

It sounds all right, to be honest. It's not even all chicken. Chicken and turkey gross. Turkey gross. Turkey gross. He's walking into the room supported by what you assume to be a knight, not wearing armor, but his finery and heraldry on his clothing leads you to believe that he would be a knight.

Let's just give you guys a quick check. See if we know these people. Well, you would probably, like, it's impossible to not know that the older man is Lord Michael Clark. Yep. You don't know who the younger man is, but he looks quite charming. A little bit older, like maybe around Sir Grace's age. But he's aged a great deal nicer. He's got this sort of very pleasant expression, almost a little dreamy,

as he leads Michael Clarke to sit down with you. Good evening. Very slowly, the Lord is lowered into a seat, and he leans backwards and says, How can I help you? Good evening, Lord Clarke. We're here looking for the seer. I believe his name is Ahelm.

Yes. We've come from Kandor. King Liam has requested that we get his services. The Lord opens his mouth as if to speak, but he doesn't make any noise for like 10 seconds. Finally, the knight puts a hand on his shoulder and says, the lord would probably like to inform you that he does not know of a helm.

Can he not inform us himself? We could wait. He pats the lord's shoulder. The lord looks up at the knight, looks down at you, and nods and gestures. Yes, I do not know of a helm.

I'm very sorry. I do not know of a helm. Right. I'm very sorry. I was wondering, perhaps, do you know what is happening with all the refugees outside? Refugees? The knight sort of shifts to have two arms, one on each shoulder of the lord. There are people at the gate, my lord. Refugees from Sunsen. You remember Sunsen. of the lord there are people at the gate my lord they um refugees from sunson you remember sunson the not the lord looks up at the night and slowly nods like yes that's right there was a a terrible

thing happened there the knight nods and says yes there was a dreadful accident uh the ground was torn apart by some force yes and you And you remember Jones's Bluff? The Lord nods. Yes. Was it goblins? Orcs, my Lord. It was orcs. The knight looks at you guys and says, what do you need?

A helm? Yes. Yes, we're after a helm. Yeah. Well, my name is Sir Terry Burr. I'm kind of the highest knight around here. I don't think you need to trouble the Lord with this. He, like, tries to whisper it to you guys.

Yeah, no, fair enough. You can lead us to a helm, then. I'm taking it. I can't lead you to a helm, but I know someone who can help you with this, who knows a helm personally. That's good to hear. The Lord looks up a helm. It's okay, my Lord.

It's okay. We'll enjoy some tea and some biscuits. You just stay here. I'll fix this all up for you. Thanks a bunch. Thank you very much. Thank you. So Terry Burr leaves.

Enjoy some scones. Chat to the Lord. Yeah. Well, not too much. I don't want him to pop something. I smile and nod and just keep, I put my hood back on. I try not to scare him. He's a very old...

Not so scary, sorry. Well, actually, neither of them, though, would have been very startled by your appearance. Either they're accustomed to it, you doubt that, or they're just not afraid of you. You see that as more likely. Okay, good. I take two scones. They're nice, very nice.

What do you call them? Very nicely made. Possibly this morning. Take two scones. They're nice. Very nice. What do you call them? Soda bread. Very nicely made. Possibly this morning. Oh, yum. Still warm from the oven. I sip my tea. I eat the soda bread.

Look at the window. Munch slowly. Make small talk with the king. The lord. With the lord. The lord asks you, you're here for half an hour. Across that half hour tea break, Lord Michael Clarke asks you why you are here three times.

By the third time, it's like, I just don't know if he's it. He nods. Oh, that's nice. That's delightful. It's a lot. Very nice. We came to see you. It's very nice. You're a very polite young lady. Has anyone ever told you that? I wish.

I look at Dad sadly. I pointedly don't lock eyes. I don't mean to be rude, but you look sickly. Yeah, it's fine. We're dealing with it. Thank you for noticing. It's okay, he says. These scones are helping.

Thank you very much. Can I take a third? You can take as many as you want at some point because you've been here for so long at some point the maid comes back out and refreshes everything excellent i drink so many cups of tea i whisper a nice like but sincere like thank you to the maid thank you you rule she doesn't say anything she just nods and as she tries to leave lord michael clark puts a hand up for her have you seen kate and the maid shakes her head no i haven't my lord not not today would you like me to go get her no no no it's okay no wait tell her we have guests the maid goes off right here oh let's meet kate so why are you here again? We're lost Fell out of the sky

Is it not your birthday? The sky? Yeah, the sky My gosh Into the ground That's a long way to fall It is, where you survived though Sir Grace, this is

We're doing fine He's not going to remember I know that But he'll forget in like You know, the next five minutes I guess he will But he's still a lord The door to the main hall opens

And Sir Terry Burr comes in with another man. The man, he's got this like wicked, almost sharp looking face. You know, some people have like very angled faces. He's got something like that. It's like stubble and such. He looks like he hasn't slept very well for a little while. He looks hurried and exhausted. The man sits down across from you and Sir Terry Burr sits down on your side of the table.

The man dumps some papers in front of him and says, My name is Ascarket. Ascarket. I'm a lord here. Hello, my lord. He turns around to Michael Clarke. They exchange pleasantries. It is lovely to meet you.

We were hoping to see a helm. The king requests his presence. What business do you have with a helm? Again, the king requests his presence. King Liam the Grey requests the presence of a helm. He requires his services, I suppose.

Uh-huh. And what authorities has the king given you? at all costs? we're here to escort a helm back to Kandor you know he's not just going to come with you why not?

the king is making the request in case we didn't mention in case you didn't know about this but a skarket I'm a skarket good job buddy Shut the fuck up Now now

We're here having a pleasant conversation A Helm is A little insane He's Gone off the reservation If you will He's Leading a cult

A doomsaying cult We could get him to start his cult with us. This is very interesting. If you can get him out of my hair, I would appreciate that, to be honest. I just lean back, put my head in my hands. Oh, God. Do you happen to know where he is? I mean, do you happen to know where he is?

I have an idea of where he is. He shuffles his papers and brings out this map. It's a map of the surrounding countryside. He unrolls it for you guys. It never is. Maybe we can find... This is so typical. What kind of cult do you think he runs?

Not a good one. A doomsday cult, Oskar repeats. It doesn't help that... You have to realize that most cults are not very good. Every cult is generally... I mean, it amounts to the same thing. You have to realize that most cults, they're not very good. Every cult is generally. I mean, it amounts to the same thing. You bring in a big. You bring in a big thing.

Something. They either kill themselves or some others. And then the big thing comes and causes bullshit. It is not pleasant. It would be nice to belong. Okay. So. I look at Sir Grace's.

Where I divert the conversation. Where are we to go? About a fortnight ago, Terry Burr told you about it. There was some incident at Sunzen. Yeah. He just mentioned there was that. Michael Clarke said... Well, we're still trying to work out what happened.

We're not 100% sure, but a lot of people were killed. So things were thrown into a bit of a disarray. And in the disarray, a band of goblins and hobgoblins and some orcs came down and just started picking in among the wreckage. They were, you know, just like vultures feeding upon a corpse. you know, just like vultures feeding upon a corpse. A helm was either around the wreckage or coming towards the wreckage of the town at about the same time. He kicks up with a bunch of these tribes and starts organizing them together.

Eventually, they become this massive raiding party, which has since attacked Jones's Bluff. Oh, God. Right, yes, that was what some of the refugees were. The moment I heard that there were orcs in the bluff, I knew we would end up there. Well, I mean, this is the joy of being an adventurer. This is what we do as protectors of the realm.

The town was raided. Many people were able to escape, but of those who remained, a helm organized them in the town square and had them draw lots. Even numbers were killed. odd numbers were set free. Some bullshit about the randomness of his god. That's awful.

So he's still doing this, just going around to towns, just raiding them? Since then we've not heard anything of him, but we do know that him and his tribes yeah are in the forests just north of jones's bluff i know we need to take in him to see to take the seer to see the king but what he's doing is very much against god do you think the king wants to see him maybe he needs to be put down look i know what the job is the job is we get him you know by whatever cost that was the deal yeah from the king from king liam well the king didn't know about this the king requested his presence he didn't initially respond so he sent you guys to go check that make sure he's okay and

oh to bring him back do i feel like this is the one chance do i feel like it's an at all costs kind of situation or is it more like, look Yeah, what about sort of mission parameters? You feel like if you capture a helm and bring him before the king, the king's gonna have him executed. Ah. So if you want, you could bring him before the

king to meter out justice, or you can be the justice. It's up to you. But ultimately, the king isn't gonna stand for this. Yeah, no, well, we can't be having... I don't think what the king wants from a helm is no longer important. What we need to do is either be our own judge, jury, and executioner here. You know what this means, though? This means that when we get back to Kandor,

King Liam's going to be like, thank you so much, Sir Grace. Thank you, Jordan. Now, I know of another seer in another part of the realm. Can you go get that seer? Thank you. Well, yes. But then no matter what, look,

what proof do you have that it is a helm that is doing this? A lot of the people at Jones's Bluff basically visually confirmed who he is, and we have captured several of his cultists. They're in among the city. And it is definitely out. As far as we're aware, yeah. It's hard to tell, I suppose. Even if it's not, that's a rating poll.

I know. This was my point. Our sheriff tragically died recently. He was a member of the cult and leapt to his death when he learnt that things were going sour. I see. Of course. Tell you what, we either have to

investigate this thing. If it is a helm, we have to stop him doing this. Or if it is not a helm, then we need to find where the real helm is. We should stop it anyway. Definitely need to put a stop to it. That's true. Otherwise it'll snowball and you'll end up

with just thousands of orcs roaming the countryside. Dad, not all orcs might be bad. In my experience. I know in your experience, but... Good 90% of orcs. You just can't always assume,

but okay. You cannot judge a book by its cover, which is something you often do. I believe I'm a beautiful story, Dad, if only you'd read me. Why don't you spend a lot of... Why don't you spend less time telling people what to do and more time listening, especially to your daughter?

She is in need of. Sorry. Sorry, sir. Ascargit. Look. Ascargit. Ascargit. Excuse me. So where?

So he's in Jordan's Bluff. Jones's Bluff. I suggest you head there immediately, to be honest. Okay. Thank you very much. How far away is it? Lord Michael Clarke at this point pipes up. He seems to have been kind of tracking

the conversation that's happening. His eyes are very bleary. You can tell he's like trying as hard as he can and maybe there's a moment of clarity that occurs when he says this. Cultists in my city? I'll not stand for it.

He turns to you three and says You three hunt them down The cultists We will do our best Terry Burr reaches across And puts a hand on Michael Clark's hand And says we will have this Okay

Let's ride out I guess Did you have much of this problem with the cultists? What is their zone of influence? Who do you ask? I guess Terry Burr. Terry Burr and Asgarket. Asgarket. Asgarket.

Asgarket. Yes. Terry Burr looks to Asgarket, seems to be waiting for him to answer. And Asgarket says, they were not a very big deal until recently the trouble with Sunsen. Then things kind of got a little out of hand, if it were. Right. I will go

with red. I'll always bet on piss. I know you. Blue for me. It's like the colors of your bruise, Jack. That's true, they are my bruise colours, yes So Grace You can tell Skarket is hiding something

Like when he says Just recently, it seems very dismissing He's trying to move the conversation along And then he follows that up with Well, you better get to Jones' bluff And you feel like he's trying to push you out of the city You're in an awful hurry there, buddy. Things are moving very quickly for me.

For you? Yes. What's going on? Well, I've got to replace the sheriff. Yeah. I've got to deal with the refugees. So this thing in Sunson, you said lots of people died. How many are we talking?

In Sunson? Yes. He checks his papers Yes He checks his papers As Adam checks his papers I feel we should at least inform the king That something is happening in Sunsen Have you seen the king? Oh the king, our king

That's a lord About maybe 15,000 15,000? Yes And we're just hearing about this now Have you sent A pigeon? What's that?

Emissary? Is that the word? A messenger. A messenger is fine. Have you sent a pigeon messenger? Or something to the king? It's an internal matter. 15,000.

I don't think this is internal. I feel like the king should know. Asghar gets very cold now. And he says, We will handle this. If you want, you can go fetch a helm at my pleasure. No. How many scones are left?

Nine. I think we'll finish our scones, Asgarket. I want to intimidate. I sit down and begin eating the scones very slowly. Yep. I sit down a bit too quickly next to Dad and also start eating the scones, and I'm proud to share this moment. You want to intimidate him? I'm just going to stare and be like, what we do is not for your pleasure.

What we do is in service of the king and our God. I flick my tail out from under my cape and just start waving it around. Like a cat, like when a cat's angry? Yes. Eskarket gathers all his papers, stands up, and he says, Well, I guess we have no further business. Will you be requiring lodging in the castle tonight? I look to Sir Grace with a mouthful of muffin.

How far away is the bluff? Jones's Bluff? Probably be like two days travel from here. No, we will not be needing lodging. We'll head off to Jones's Bluff very soon. Wow, that's good to hear. Any information you have about Sunson, if you could please give me a copy, I would be very appreciative of that. I'll have a scribe note something down for you.

Thank you very much. Provided that you're still here to um what was that provided that you're still here that you don't leave of course before it's done don't worry how long will that take sounded like a veiled threat i just with a mouthful of scone it sounded like a veiled threat not at all you have nothing to fear from me that's very hot It's the cultists that you must fear. They're everywhere. Can I use divine sense? What's that do? That just is... It detects fiends

and undead. So if he's a demon or if he's undead. Now detect good and evil. What does that do? That'll tell you someone's alignment. So you pick good or you pick evil. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you can detect if someone has that alignment.

All right. Can I detect evil? Under the components section. Oh, it says visual and VS. Verbal and VS? Yeah. Yep. So it'll be obvious that you're casting a spell.

Ah, I guess not. Or like you'd actually be chanting a prayer, rather. They probably wouldn't get angry at it, but they'd know kind of... Well, if they have a cursory knowledge of religion, they'd know what you're doing. Hmm. Hmm. Nah. Nah?

Alright. Skarket and Sir Terry Burr both get up from the table. Terry Burr helps Lord Michael Clarke get up as well and helps him out of the room. Skarket waits for them to leave. And when the door closes, he leans forward and says, I'll give those papers to you. How long was that going to be? A couple hours. Okay.

We wait and have a sit-in. We'll sit right here. That seems quite odd. Seemed incredibly ominous. Ominous. It's a bit of five shadowing there. A butler comes out to refresh your drinks. It's not the maid this time.

This is like maybe ten minutes have passed. A man, a servant, comes out and he refreshes your drinks. Does he go? Yeah, he leaves. Can I purify food and drink? You can, yeah, you can do that. I'm just sauce. Back off. You I purify food and drink? You can. Yeah, you can do that. I'm just sauce. Back off.

You cast purify food and water over your meal? Yeah. As a sign? You can't tell whether or not there was any poison. Of course. Sort us out. Thank you. I'll hook you up with a really nice lever.

Shit, yes. Oh, Miss Grace, you're very kind. Yeah. Suspicious. The whole thing. You have some time to have a chat if you'd like? But also, you know, we can't immediately assume. We need to tell the king, though.

Oh, we've got to tell the king. The king's like an uncle to me. I know him. We need to tell him. He would not be happy about this. The king is not like an uncle to me. In your head. Maybe in your head, yes.

With how close I want to be with Dad, the king's like my uncle practically. No, I know him. We need to tell the king. Dad, we need to tell him. With messengers, does it work with pigeon and raven and all that kind of stuff? They would have...

No, not pigeons. They'd have ravens, yeah. They have ravens to send. You could also get a message like fire or runner or, you know, like magic. Yeah, via magic sometimes. That'd be X-y though, surely. Magic would be very, yeah, extreme cases. Okay.

Well, I think as soon as we get the papers delivered from... We'll send a pigeon. We'll send a pigeon. Send a pigeon. We'll send a raven. Just to inform the king. Bless you. Thank you.

Bless you, Dad. That's you. Thank you. I'm allergic to scones. Bless you, Dad. That's okay. Thank you, Tiffany. So I think what we need to do is send a pigeon or a raven to inform them that there's been a death of 1,500 people. Yeah, we'll make sure to send a raven at... 15,000.

15,000. At the earliest convenience. We'll send a raven. What? Bless you. Bless you, Dad. There must be some pollen. I'm still allergic to scones. We. Send a raven. What? Bless you. Bless you, dad. There must be some pollen. I'm still allergic to scones.

Send a raven. Then we need to head down to Jordan's Bluff and investigate whatever is happening there. Sounds like a plan. That's a good plan. Where can we send a raven from? Are there like rookeries? There would be one in the castle. But that would be the only one in the city.

Unless you could find like some wealthy merchants or important lords might have their own personal ones. Like the Leathermakers Guild? Maybe. My daughter can get us a free entry to. You don't know if they could certainly send a runner, but you don't know if they have ravens. I think I feel like if we send a raven from the castle, it'll get into it's their raven. But, I mean, we can watch them send

it off. I guess. Maybe they'll know it's missing, though. That's all I'm thinking. We can do both. Yeah, if it's their own raven. I would send a raven. I would send a raven, and I would also send castle, oh, the raven's gone. I would send a raven and I would also send a runner.

I mean, if you want to be thorough. Let's do both. What happened to you, Sir Grace? What happened to you, Sir Grace? Tiffany. Just a whole bunch. You can hear sobbing coming from the door to the main hallway has been left open by Oskarket as he left.

And you can hear sobbing coming through it. I know what sobbing sounds like. I gingerly creep towards the sobbing. Clip. I'll get a stealth roll. Thank you. So Grace and Sir Hector, it's impossible to not notice as she gets up and creeps towards the doorway.

What are you doing? I just watch her go. It's fine. I put my tail up to my lips to say shush. You say, what are you doing loud enough that it kind of negates your efforts to be stealthy. Damn it, Sir Hector. You're at the doorway.

No, I don't. I'm eating skulls. You can see a woman in a hooded veil walking through the doorway and into the grand hall. She's walking straight towards the other end of the grand hall. Behind her are six fancily dressed men acting as pallbearers for a coffin.

What is going on? That's a sad time. Is her hood like my hood? No, iters for a coffin. What is going on? That's a sad time. Is her hood like my hood? No, it's like a veil draped over her head. It's obviously some woman in mourning. She's not like me. Okay. I start to cry a little bit myself.

My parents died. Oh. I gesture with my tail I beckon the other two forward to come and have a look You can go have a look at the procession if you want Go have a look After the coffin gets in, a bunch of other people in very muted clothing

come in. They all look like they're maybe important, not all lords but certainly like, maybe you recognize a representative from the Leather Workers Guild, but some guild members, some merchants. Sorry? Classic Steve. Steve, Bruce, God, the Leather Workers.

They're good names. They're just walking in a procession through. They get to the other end of the hallway, which has a set of stairs going up to you know how, um, like a mansion set of stairs going up to, you know how a mansion might have stairs going up and then it branches into two paths to go around either side.

They look like they're heading towards that but actually when they get there they turn a little bit and go down a set of stairs to what looks like maybe a basement. And the procession starts going into there. There's in total maybe 30 people do i know much about like the funeral processions of fairburn point or of the realm you actually

maybe at some point sir grace you were at a uh jousting tourney or something like that some official event and you saw the sigil that is displayed on the coffin. It's a sigil of the Clark family, the lords and ladies of Fairburn Point. Specifically, it is the sigil of their son, Sir Howard Clark. Howard Clark was like 18. Well, if you're sort of judging by when you last saw him, he would be 18 about now, 18, 20. I begin to weep.

I begin to weep as well. Why are you weeping? Dad, what's wrong? What is going on? I wipe Dad's tear with my hanky. Do you know him? It's the boy. It's the Clark boy that Dad doesn't know.? It's the boy. It's the clock boy. The dad doesn't know.

Clearly he's... One of the procession breaks off when he sees you. He approaches you. I'm going to say it's the leather worker representative, Steve. Steve comes up to you. He's got like a round, happy face. But right now it's obviously... Round, sad face.

Like a morose sort of expression on his face. He steps up to you and says, well, hello there, Tiffany. I wince a bit. How are you? What are you doing here? Oh, well, we came because we were looking for a helm, but we found so much more. What's happened?

What's happened to the boy? He was killed at Sunson. Did you hear what happened there? We did. It's not rumblings. What's happened? What's happened to the boy? He was killed at Sunson. Did you hear what happened there? We did. What happened? Do you know what happened exactly? Well, a lot of people are saying that the gods were angry but all we really know is some terrible force made her

rip to the ground asunder. Where's his mother? She was leading the procession. Of course. Poor Kate. Poor Kate. All right. Poor Kate. Yeah. How's she holding up?

I don't know. I'm not, like, you know, it's kind of a professional courtesy that I'm here. That's fair. No, that's fair, Steve. I'm sorry. The father, I'm assuming, is too. Yeah. People in the know know not to talk to him.

Understandable. Well, my condolences. Well, it's not really my loss, but thank you. How did he die? He was there when it happened. Yeah, but like... Was he crushed or...? We don't know.

There was no body to recover. It's an empty coffin. So how do they know that he's definitely... Dead. Well, he was there and he wasn't among the living that survived. Well, I guess that makes sense. That's a fair assumption, I guess. Did the ground open up?

Did people fall into it? There's a crater there. I've been to the place. It's unpleasant, to be honest. Bodies everywhere. And when I was there, there was still a bunch of goblins picking among the dead. Classic goblins, isn't it? That's just goblins for you.

I suppose, yeah. Do you have a place to stay for the night? Or are you staying here, I guess, are you? We're going to head off to the Bluff. Oh, okay. Oh, the Bluff. Talk about tragedies, I suppose. Have you not heard what happened there?

A raiding party came through. Yeah, yes. Hobgoblins. Led by some fanatic. I don't know his name. Helm, he's the fellow we're after. Yeah. Somebody was saying that the cults have taken this city. It's real bad. The Starseekers. Is that what they're called? The Starseekers.

Some doomsday cult talking about fire and brimstone or whatever. You can see them in the streets, to be honest. They're quite prominent. For some reason, the town guard won't do anything about them. How do you know a starseeker? The town guard won't do anything. No, for some reason.

I know that Sheriff Mycroft Yates was quite adamant about doing something about it, but nothing ever happened, and then he turned out to be one of them, I guess. So maybe that was why. How can you tell a starseeker by looking at them can you oh he he like chuckles at first but then like he has a cautious glance over his shoulder and stops chuckling immediately you'll know them when you see them deep blood red rogues ranting about the end of the world they won't shut up about it to be honest do you think that the guards are in their pockets, maybe? Well, they certainly were when Mycroft was in charge, I suppose. But, um... I guess now he's

out of the picture in here. I don't know, to be honest. I don't know why they're... They're not violent, I guess, in the city. It's only when you get out of the city that it becomes bad. So, maybe the guards feel like they don't want them to become violent in the city as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, nah. Are they... Fear. Doomsday... Are they in the city yeah yeah yeah hey no are they fair

doomsday are they getting ready for doomsday or they believe doomsday is already happening oh like right now causing it well they think that are they doing their duty to perpetuate doomsday it's some weird thing it's like part they're telling people to kill themselves because it's easier than living through the doomsday but but they're also trying to spread the word that the doomsday is slowly rolling out to the rest of the world. Right. She was. And Helm, he's the one

in charge. Apparently, yes. I know the leader or whatever like that is convinced some bands of orcs and goblins. Man. To dismantle the cult, I mean, you take... Oh, buddy.

You cut off the head. Buddy. And the body will flail. I'm saying you cut off the head several more... What are you doing? Dismantle the cult. I'm saying it's almost futile. Oh, yeah.

Thank goodness. Yeah. No, absolutely. Not worth our time. Well, it is worth our time. I'm just saying it's... People are dying, Dad. I guess our time. Well, it is worth our time. I'm just saying. People are dying, Dad. I guess.

My parents could have been killed. 15,000 young. When are you leaving? In a few hours. We just need to get a letter written. We just need to get a couple of information, particularly what is happening in Sunset. What happened in Sunset.

Sunsun. In Sunsun. Sorry. My mistake. Good luck getting any information on that. Somebody's bringing it. A skunk, I think, what happened? Sunsun. Sorry, my mistake. Good luck getting any information on that. A Skarkid, I think, is bringing a son. Oh, Lord Skarkid. Nice guy.

I've never spoken with him personally, but from reputation, he's, um, well, now it's hard to tell because he's a very busy man, but he's very pleasant. Seemed like kind of a dick. Guessing the stress of the job. Maybe the stress of the job. Oh, really? Yeah. Maybe the stress of the job. That makes sense. Righto.

Well, this is all very depressing. See you around. Well, if you need a place to stay, he gives you his address. He lives in the upper districts. Thank you. We have only one extra room, but I'm sure we can find room for all of you if you need be. It's okay.

He's my dad. It's fine. Yep. Okay. Adopted. Adopted. Adopted. She's adopted.

That's not really the point. The point I was saying is, like, I'm sure we can find room for all of you, and then you're like, he's my dad. I don't see the connection, to be honest. I meant we could share a room because we're family, but that's fine. I just wouldn't assume that sort of stuff for a couple nights. It's fine, buddy. You just drop it.

It's okay. That's okay. I'm just showing off he's my dad. It's fine. All right, then. Well. You taught me. Look, it's my dad, Steve.

He's starting to take steps backwards. Do you remember me telling you about him? I've got a funeral to attend. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, shit. Steve, get back. Steve, why'd you stay for so long? Seems so well informed about that cult as well.

I mean, what if he was... Anyway. Can he use the news around town, to be honest? Yeah, I imagine it's the talk. All right, head back to and wait for classic steve flapping them lips a scar get uh a scar kit does not come back but someone you assume working for him comes back with a stack of papers i was gonna cast his own a truth he hands them to you and like sir terry burr he has this like sort of dreamy happy expression on his face. Excuse me, are you alright?

Yes, of course, I'm fantastic. How are you? Similar to Terry Burr. Like Terry Burr, exactly like Terry Burr. You mean the... Sir Terry Burr. Sir Terry Burr was all dreamy. Was he?

Yeah. Who's dreamy bloody? Sir Grace and T-Funny. It's an identical dreamy bloody So Grace and Tiffany It's an identical dreamy look Like actually now that you think about it Actually Actually both of you are skilled in magic So hang on

Oh no it's here Okay Tiffany you're not as skilled In magic as your dear old pa is But so Grace There are many different ways to magically influence someone's mind, and you fancy

this person's mind has been magically addled in some way. Oh, god damn it. Tiffany, you can tell there's something up with him, like weird about him. I'd like to stand up. Yeah, what, Tiffany? Daddy's not right. right yeah he's all

fucked up in there was there anything else I'd like to stand up put my arms around him and be like his brain's all a mess with magic right I don't know what you're talking about yeah that's fine buddy he's they've taken it the cult I'm guessing it's just same thing that the terry burr had you say the cult or something? Yeah. All right. So, combat begins. Oh, God. Why have you still got your arm around him?

Halloween. Do I just headlock him the moment? Always bet on blood. Oh, piss is there. Piss. I was going to be like, always bet on bloody piss. Purple. Shouldn't have bet Shouldn't have bet on piss Bloody piss

I did bet on piss You shouldn't have You shouldn't have bet on piss Shit God Oh no It's fine It'll be fine

Don't worry Dad It's fine Get just Everyone stays This is what I get for being casual around adventure. So you've got him in a headlock, arm around you and being like,

oh, cult brain. And now he's piped. Tiffany, while your father has an arm around this servant, he says the cult has addled his brain or whatever that line was. At that specific line, the dreamy expression changes to one of like determination sudden determination and from nowhere seemingly the the servant produces a knife and you can tell he means to stab your father your first save me, save me, save me, save me, save me, save me. I panic and I use my thermotrogi. Thermoturgy?

Thermoturgy! And my voice booms up to three times as loud as normal for one minute. There's a funeral happening in the next room. There's going to be two funerals happening if we don't make a change, okay? Do you have a point of inspiration? Yes. You can't get another one. There's so many moments I'm like, oh them change Okay Do you have a point of inspiration Yeah You can't get another one There's so many moments I'm like

That would have been a good point of inspiration That would have been But you're already chock full You are I'm just inspiring Okay I guess I'm just crack Oh maybe I should

Yep My voice No You gotta point it out to me as well I don't always notice. It's all right. You've got to be like Adam. I'd like a point of inspiration.

Adam, I'll just do my best to impress you. You'll struggle. I'll just get by with it. What are you doing, sorry? I make a big booming noise. And what was the other language that I know? You know, common, infernal, and a language called thieves can't. Can't, sorry.

Thieves can't, which is the language of thieves Don't tell a thief what they can and can't do In this realm, would Infernal language be terrifying? Probably, yeah Would it be feasible that if I started shouting in Infernal language People could assume I was casting some sort of demonic spell? You could bluff them into thinking that Ooh, I'd bluff them into thinking that

Please Alright, cool. You know you do have actual spells, right? You don't need to bluff someone to make it into your casting. Daddy! Bluff! Who taught you Infernal?

I know Infernal. Infernal and Abyssal. I know the two devil languages. Why did you teach it to your daughter? It's genetic. I don't know. So Hector and Sir Grace, Tiffany looks like she's casting a spell.

With very loud... Oh, wait, no. You both speak Infernal. Yep. Let my dad go. Stop being mean. I had scones. I'll set my horse on you.

His name is Vengeance and he has socks. That, but it sounds a little like she's trying to cast a spell. It's got like a hocus pocus nature to it. And it sounds really evil. And it's also three times as loud as normal. I'm using Thermitone. Yes. That's good.

It's booming. It's terrifying. He pulls a knife and then a tiefling starts. Yes! It's booming. It's terrifying. He pulls a knife and then a tiefling starts. I also removed my holster. Highs or lows? Highs! Okay. So, this is what's called a luck roll. Basically what happens is I roll

a D100, so 1 to 100. And when I get the result, I ask you highs or lows. And if you guess right, if I rolled high and you guess high high or opposite, then you get lucky. Otherwise, you get unlucky. And the further away from it, the more and more unlucky. You've guessed highs. I'm going to show you one of the numbers that I rolled.

And you got to tell me whether or not you want me to re-roll or keep it. I couldn't see. Did you see it? That's a 40. And I guessed highs. Re-roll. Never re-roll. Always re-roll. Re-roll.

Or good. Who knows? Never re-roll without them. I always re-roll without them. You do that. Immediately, the door to the um main hallway bursts open and a

like you assume he was maybe late to the funeral but a knight in full regalia steps in he sees what's happening oh he's not here to help oh I'm scary looking, he's not here to help us. Oh, I'm scary looking.

Oh, he's going to get you. Oh, God, I'm in a headlock. I have the other knight in a headlock. He's a nice servant. You all look at him. He all looks at you. He looks at all of you. All three of you immediately know him as Sir Richard Ware,

a knight from where you guys are from, northern Kander. Does he know us? Yeah, you're like old hunting buddies. I'm going to say he's old hunting buddies with you. You know him as well, and you probably know him as well. You know Sir Richard. He's like kind of a very pleasant, portly gentleman, like an older knight.

But nonetheless, you've seen him swing a club like a mother effer. Okay. Like, do you think he'll be on our side? As soon as he bursts in, he's like, oh, a fight! Classic Richard. Good old... He's a werewolf. Richard Werewolf.

Dick werewolf. Dick werewolf. Dick werewolf. He takes this metal club off his belt. And wades into the fight. Shit, yes. He says, fear not, Sir Grace. God, I love Dick Wolf.

Is this guy my uncle? Do I think of this man as an uncle figure? When I imagine you thinking of the king as an uncle, I imagine you telling the other kids at the oh yeah at the at the the leather school they're like where are you from you're like my dad's a knight and i see the king all the time because they've been teasing me about my horns yeah i'm like well my dad's actually a knight and i know the king and he's like pretty much my uncle technically like we don't like we don't call him that, but like you kind of, yeah. Kind of is.

Yeah. I mean, I have to call him the king because he's the king. But like. You know, that's because I'm really respectful and I'm a really good lord's daughter. My dad loves me so much. God. I have to be away from him because his love's unbearable.

He loves me too much. He buys me too many presents. So I just have to get away. I only ever cry from being happy. The tears of happiness. This is joy. This is what joy looks like if you can't tell. I like to imagine a giant grin, just dead eyes.

Just, you know, just dead eyes. You're hurting. You're hurting inside. I'm a bad dad. Yeah. But I've lived a complicated life as well. Life is complicated. Because I'm adopted, my dad lets me have a birthday every month,

and it's a really fun time. And you guys weren't adopted, so you wouldn't know, but it's really good, and I'm lucky. And my dad chose me, even though he sent me away. You got a tiefling daughter? No. Different night. Cutting from that to that.

You're on a night with a tiefling daughter. That's a different person. Got it wrong. No, that's the other. Some other night. That's Jaden. Yeah, are you thinking of Sir Jaden Gross? I don't know his name.

Go away. It's like a Sir Jaden Gross at another bar elsewhere. He's like, Oi! What? I don't know if he's that like a half-wit. What? Oh, dear. I think it's the same.

So, Grace, you noticed none of this. Your daughter stands up and looks like she's casting an arcane spell. At first you go to say something, but no air comes out of your lungs, and you feel two sharp pinpricks in your chest. Do you look down to see the servant with a dagger just prison shanking you. Oh boy. What are you doing? You have like five holes peppered in your chest

but you can only feel two of them right now. I can't die, please. You take 25 points of damage. Oh no. Oh boy. Okay. I cry. the damage. Oh no! Boy. Okay. I'm gonna... This guy's gonna die.

I cry. And you begin to feel woozy. Oh no, has he poisoned me? That is okay. Hector? You're sitting down at a table. Can I get up, draw my sword, and try and disarm him? And by that I mean cut off his hand. You're probably at the other side of

the table, so you'd either have to go around the table, attack across... Go around the table, so you'd either have to go around the table, attack across. So go around the table. Don't get to attack this turn. Attack across the table. Disadvantage. Get onto the table. Athletics check.

That one. All right. Yeah, stand in the sconce. Get your foot caught in a teacup. You leap up onto the table. The table groans precariously under your weight, but now you have advantage to attack him. You are like 6'5 or something, aren't you? You're massive. Some ridiculous.

You're very tall. Imagine like you're 6'4. Oh, God. And handsome. And very handsome. With your greatsword? Yep, just like try to attack his hand. Not like non-lethally cut off his hand. Cauterize the wound

with your hot sword Leave it out in the sun for a day Basically yeah just trying to disarm him Ideally Or tackle him Hey now You're an all star In fifth ed you cannot

Disarm unless you have that maneuver What? Really? That's dumb as shit. That's garbage. So, like, a paladin cannot disarm? You can attack non-lethally to knock him out. It was fifth there. I was liking you.

Advantages, disadvantages. Hey, it's simpler, but you don't get as many options. Yeah, well, there you go. Well, can I try to attack his hand? You can try to attack him non-lethal. Yeah, or I'll do that. If you do very well, maybe. I'll try to attack him non-lethally, if you're lucky.

Because, again, he's not in control of himself. He's just been magic-brained. Okay, so you got two critical hits, but I'll allow you to trade these two critical hits in for taking his sword off him. Yeah, his dagger. Done. Mad. You swing down with your greatsword.

My God. Using the careful precision that only a surgeon with decades of experience has, you are able to, with your gigantic greatsword, about as tall as you are able to with your gigantic great sword about as tall as you are only get his dagger missing him and missing sir grace she the kind of thing that you just would never really know how it happened suddenly the sword would be back in your like you'd be holding it and the daggers in the ground and everyone's fine you're like we had a slow motion camera we could see what really happened you had a slow motion camera you could see the fly that you guided the sword out of the path of so that you didn't kill it there we go um the guys sitting there like looking for blood on him. Like, where am I dead? Surely that cut off everything.

Heis or los? Heis. Heis? The dagger clatters to his feet. He's disarmed, but it's at his feet. Then it is... Grace's turn. I just punch him in the face, non-lethally. Because anything else I do will kill him.

You miss. I'm awful good. That's fine. I've been stabbed a bunch. You can... Oh, wait. You have extra attack. You can attack again. Yeah, sure. You missed. And I'm awful good. That's fine. I've been stabbed a bunch. You can... Oh, wait. You have extra attack. You can attack again.

Yeah. I forgot. Oh, critical hits. Okay, hang on. Let me just rearrange. Bam! You swing once, but he ducks underneath the blow.

Your second attack catches him square in the jaw. His head snaps backwards, and you see teeth fly out of his face. His head comes back. It's like that part in the movie where they sock the guy, but then he turns around and it looks like you haven't hit him. Except he's missing teeth. Well, he's missing teeth.

But he doesn't seem to have registered the blow. You deal. How long till I just lie on the ground and accept it? That's the question. Ten points of damage. My punch is all right. Then it is Tiffany's turn. Could I, in one move, use the mage hand

to pick up the dagger and stab him in the throat? Potentially, and that's pretty cool. No, I mess with my dad. Is it a spectral hand or just like an invisible it's an invisible hand that's real scary yeah it becomes invisible for her specifically really usually it's a visible hand like a spectral thing but so one is invisible you could just convince people that the dagger was alive i don't know who did that oh just as it stabs him everyone Everyone panic. Miss Grace, we're trying. He was magic-gamed. I'd allow it, but at a disadvantage.

Because your spectral hand is meant for fine tasks, like picking pockets and picking locks, not for attacking with a dagger. It doesn't have strength behind it. It doesn't need to be strong as long as it gets the right bit. Well, that's why it's disadvantage. No, no, no. What if instead of making it fast,

I finesse it and gingerly collect the dagger and poke it in the right hole? The spell is not designed for this. Me doing it at disadvantage is throwing you a bone. Okay. Disadvantage, please. I was just saying it's so. Use your inspiration. I'll give it to you back immediately

and we'll make it an even throw. Yay! Inspiration. Oh, be still, my beating heart. Uh-oh. Maybe. Oh, no, you guys are too far away to see the pumpkin landing on one. Oh,oh. Maybe. Oh, no, you guys are too far away to see the pumpkin landing on one.

I saw that. Oh, no. Oh, and dear papa is not expecting it as well. There's your sneak attack right there. Are you stabbing me? Am I getting hit by my daughter? No. It came to life, remember?

I don't even know what's happening. So, Grace, the dagger leaps off the floor and into your gut. What the fuck? I don't even know what's happening So Grace The dagger leaps off the floor And into your gut You take 13 points of damage I vomit immediately Just like This handsome fucking palleted knife

Come and jump on the table Disarming being like I am the hero then you punching a man then the knife coming to life a demon woman vomiting as you get stabbed this is the least graceful fight ever it's amazing

so Richard Ware chimes in a whole magical fight is it then die vile creature what's he been doing? Sorry? What's he been doing? He's been waiting for his turn. What's he been doing?

Body Richard Ware. What the fuck is going on? This is very peculiar. We'll end up killing this knight out of panic. It's not a knight. It's a servant. It's a servant. It's a servant. So Richard Ware does not swing to wound.

He is fighting to the death. He deals eight points of damage to the assassin. So Richard... Just me and this guy are going to die. Dick Ware, please don't. Dick Wolf, come on, man. It is fine. I scream through tears as I splutter vomit.

Do it, Richard! Make him dead! My God. Ho, ho! The lady's right! No, no, it is... We need to... Fuck, Richard's great.

We've got a lot of time for Richard. The assassin grabs the dagger wedged in your chest and continues. Gut! Gut! It was my gut. It's much of a muchness, but it's my gut. It was gut. You said gut. Oh no. I'm in

for it. I'm gonna cop it bad. Fine, I'm not gonna die. I get 75 hit points. 78 hit points. You had 78. You have to die. I get 75 hit points. 78 hit points. You had 78. You have 40 now. That's like heaps. That's like so much. How many have you got, you garbage wizard? 78.

48. You take 17 points of damage. Why are you getting as good as I'm getting? That's not fair. You take 17 points of damage. Oh, hang on.

Hellish Rebuke. All right. I'll set him on fire. Can I ask, does that have a saving throw involved there? You point your finger and the creature that damaged you is momentarily surrounded by hellish flames. The creature must make a dex saving throw. It takes 2d10 damage and a failed save, or half as much on a damage if it was successful. 2d10?

Alright. I said that very well. From your finger, a gigantic ball of fire springs forth and leaps towards this assassin. What are you doing? The spell, however, is being fired at point-blank range, so he doesn't need to dodge very far to only catch some of the heat

of the fire, and that's it. He takes one point of damage. Oh, God. Everybody calm down. This man has been magically addled brain. Hector. He's got the dagger in his hand. I'm like, what the fuck is going on?

God damn it. Your amazing surgical removement. Two critical hits. This fight could be over. Again, I'm going to not do, try to disturb him again, but basically the non

lethal damage with my greatsword. I still have advantage. Everybody, show some compassion. I want that point of inspiration, Adam. Get your inspiration. Get your inspiration, you're fine. Show some compassion.

The man has been crazy brained. Everyone calm the fuck down. He's clearly been culted. You deal eight points of damage But instead of like slashing him with the blade You clobber him with the flat part of your sword He only takes 4 points of that damage He rolls with the blow

Almost like he has a special ability Goodness gracious me This is quite an arms of her Wait He takes no damage. He definitely dodges your attack completely. What is going on here?

Your turn. I'm lawful good, so I feel like killing him is probably not my aim, but also I might die. I'll punch him again. Non-lethal. Do you have any stock spells? I have Fog Clown. That'll be very useless. You sock him once, dealing

five points of damage? You know what? I'll use my action surge. Let's give him the one, two, three. It's good to be back to punching. I feel like I haven't punched in a D&D game in so long. Too long. I've got command. I'm a dickhead.

Yep. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. You ever seen in the Arkham Knight series that one move that Batman has where he slowly starts punching an enemy? But then, yeah, it's like... Yeah, gotten him good. Yeah, it's like a steam train slowly rolling out of the station. It's just one punch, two punch, three punch. But then it's like bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.

You're just clobbering this poor person. In total, you do 15 points of damage across your four attacks. Got him. Except I didn't because he's still alive. Then it is Tiffany's turn. Does magic lightning work the same as regular lightning? So, like, if I used... If I lightninged the assassin, would there be a chance that Dad would cop some as well?

Which spell is it? I've got Witch Bolt and Thunder Wave. Thunder Wave will hit literally everyone. Yes, and not that. Except you. Hey. Witch Bolt will only hit one enemy. It's... Witch Bolt, to get the right image in your mind is like in Return of the Jedi, where

Fuckface. Emperor? The Emperor. Yep. Is like, and how young Jedi. Absolute power. You will die. And then he electrocutes.

It's electricity that jumps from your hands to an enemy. It's only one enemy, though, so there's no chance. It's basically, yeah, force lightning. Yeah, force lightning. Also, you are like an arcane trickster, so you can't just stab a cunt. That's also an enemy. It's only one enemy, though, so there's no chance. It's basically, yeah, force lightning. Also, you are an arcane trickster, so you can just stab a cunt. That's also an option. Ooh! You'd get a sneak attack if you did.

Yes, no, I stab him. Just, yeah, if that is a new thing, so you can use a stab weapon. Okay, okay. Just giving you some options. I pop a cheeky stab. Shiv him. Give him one of those same... Would you like to draw your rapier or your dagger? My dagger because that's what he's been using on Dad.

That's some sweet revenge. Yeah, my horse's name is Vengeance. I hope you said that in abyssal as you stabbed him. My horse's name is Vengeance! It's like... We all understand that.

I think I yelled that at the start with my infernal language. At the end of Sir Grace's punch again, this servant is like staggering on his feet. You take a step on a chair and leap off the chair onto this guy's back

and you start stabbing into the back of his neck, you deal 18 points of damage to him. Yeah! No one messes with my dad! Everybody come. Michael Ware chimes in. Father!

I didn't know you had it in you! Slaps you in the chest. Which probably hurts. You threw your coughing up like Adopted She's adopted Speaking of Sir Richard Ware It's his turn He wades in

Well I can't let the girl have all the fun Can he come with us? Can he be my uncle? I like him He's like uncle material. Unky where? He goes to the... Unky where? Shit, yes.

10. 16. Oh, gosh. Unky where? Spunky unky where? 22 points of damage. Hunky unky where? Hunky.

My goodness. We got him. That's a successful murder on our part. Swinging his club, billy club around like it ain't no thing. He batters the assassin, servant, whatever you want to call him now, around the head. Well, probably not a servant. This person fights way too well to be any regular assertion

okay seven so we're gonna call them these statistics i gave him assassin around the i had a bunch and then when the assassin is like staring up at the billy club so michael ware just socks him one in the gut with his fist i'm a a key wearer. I agree. And it is... He's done. He turns his attention to Michael Ware. Oh, thank God. Simply because he just can't get to you anymore. Richard Ware?

Richard Ware, sorry. Who did you call him? What did I call him? Michael Ware. Michael Ware, uh... Yeah, Richard. Fucking war photographer. Richard Ware is his name.

Yeah. Sorry. Dick Ware. Although Ware meant man, didn't it? Is he Dick Man? Uncle Dick Man. Although wear meant man, didn't it? Is he dick man? Uncle Dick Man. It's a man.

It's a classic wear. It's a classic dick man. He's not surprised to stab. So wear. So wear, with a sweep of his hand, knocks the dagger away, saying, Ho ho! Ho ho!

Can't catch me there, fast boy! He can disarm. Bullshit. No, he doesn't knock it away. Like, turns it away me there, fast boy. He can disarm. Bullshit. No, he doesn't knock it away. Like, turns it away from him. Deflect. Yeah, deflects the blow. Yeah, gotcha.

Hector. Right. Again, try to be... How is the assassin looking? Is he looking a bit worse? On his lost legs. He's still got that sort of dreamy expression on his face, but you can tell from the way that he's standing,

he's not going to be standing much longer. I'm going to non-lethal again with the greatsword. And telling everyone, like, stop trying to kill him. This bloody piss, babe. With a tremendous one, with a single tremendous blow

right on the top of his head, the assassin topples over and lies quiet. Everybody, calm down. Calm down. I go in. Who is he? An assassin, probably. An assassin?

Yep. That's the one, Richard. Nice to meet you here, Richard. One second. Let me attend to my friend. I want to cast Healing Hands on this bugalug. Thank you. Alright, so how much do you want to heal him? What's a Healing Hand? The one per

long rest. The one that you get from being a druid? A paladin? Or the one you get from being a... Azmir. One from being a god boy. I'll do both then. Fuck it. 30 points. And then whatever else.

Thank you for healing me up. I'm in a bad way. I'm happy. I silently wipe the vomit off of my face and sort of flick what's on my robe away. That's fine. Dad's alive. I'm okay. So this was just a servant.

It's like first thing is first. Equal to your level, so six hit points. All right. So 36. just a servant. It's like, first thing is first. Equal to your level, so six hit points. All right, so 36. 36 in total. Also, can I see if he's poisoned? Oh, yeah. I'll woozy for a bit. Let's not forget the woos.

Sir Richard, could you please make sure that the... Please call me Dick. Dick. Yeah, Dickman. Dickman. Dick where's... Let's not call me Dickman Dick. Yeah, Dickman. Dickman. Dick where's... Let's not call me Dickman. Don't go nuts.

You are rapscallion. Dick, could you just do us a favour and make sure that this assassin can't escape? He sits on him. Oh, yeah. Can I... Medicine. Medicine him?

Here's the check you want to make. You can tell that the dagger was poisoned, but Sir Grace has thankfully thrown off the effects of the poison. All right, then. Mad. That's good. Okay, first thing is first. Dad, you okay?

Is everybody okay? You did good, Tiffany. Thanks for the... That you did. I've never seen a woman fight with such Ferocity, except my wife Okay, Richard I dry reach at the memory of Stabbing my dad, but no one knows

I keep it in I'll never know, and that's the best Yeah, we got him Okay Okay, okay Everybody, just take a breath What is going on here? I'm assuming that he's been

Mindfuckled by the Cult I'd like to bend down on the Servant that our good friend Dickman Is sitting on, and just rifle through his pockets Do I know anything about Biting on a pill to kill yourself? Probably not.

Are cyanide pills a thing in D&D or is it a small gem? You eat it and just... There are cyanide pills, but you probably wouldn't know about them. They're like an obscure thing. Then I won't check. If I know my stuff, you should have some kind of sigil on him or a note.

Start searching through them. It's inspected. You find two things that might be of interest to you. Some gold. Mad. You find two gold pieces. Do you take them? No.

I'm lawful good. I'm not a thief. Damn it. Yeah. Are they cursed? No, no, no. I just thought it would be funny. And a necklace The necklace features a wood carving

Of two figures, humanoid figures Intertwined It looks like they could be making love Or trying to strangle each other It's actually hard to tell And you think that the carving is purposely made that way That it's hard to tell Do I know where it's from can i

make a knowledge religion necklaces no can i make a knowledge religion um you've probably i guess you've heard of the star secret cult before just in passing all right uh maybe this sigil or this sigil this necklace jogs your memory it's something that uh you know is associated with them. It's the Starkillers. No, not the Starkillers. Starseekers. It is the sigil of the Starseekers. So I'm guessing he was a cult heavy, which means that there is... I would like to speak

to the Askargo man. Askarget. I would like to speak to Askarget. Mr. Snail. Dick, what are you doing here? I was here for the funeral. You were late. Did you make it? I knew the boy. Yes, I was late. Do you know what has happened in Sunsen?

Yes, I've heard. Yeah, nuts. Do you know any more information? Terrible stuff, I suppose. Sorry? Do you know any more information? They just said it was an attack of a god. Well, you know, that's what the locals, I guess, will tell you. I suppose it was some sort of magic to be honest only magic could do stuff like that i don't think god would people told us that that uh a helm was like like part of the cult yeah a helm was around sunson at the

time you know from a scar that's all we know okay yeah so would it be outside the realm of possibility that this a helm that we're trying to, firstly, was trying to acquire, maybe he was part of the attack? Potentially, I guess. Bloody sauce of everyone, though, tell you what. Yeah. And, I mean, if that was a member of the cult, then the cult's not just brainwashing to use other people.

Are they just building an army? It seems like it, which is weird because, like, you'd think that they'd want them to kill themselves but like this one's a servant yeah if they're about doomsday i don't know what good an army is going to do here's a thought how are they making all these necklaces i'll have my guild friends the workers will know this wouldworker All guilds are friends With each other Adam No they're not They would actually be into guild politics

Let's find out Highs or lows Are the woodworker and leather worker guilds friends Highs I'm going to give you a chance to Change that to lows if you want Can you tell me what I got? No.

Nice try. Good try, though. I wouldn't. I wouldn't if I was you, but he would. So I don't know. Always about rolling the bones, seeing what's coming next. Okay. Change it to Lowe's or keep it as high?

You've got to wonder what Adam wants. Yeah, that's the question. Change it to lows or keep it as highs? You gotta wonder what Adam wants. Yeah, that's the question. Keep it as highs. Keep it as highs. That's the face you make when you wanna not make a face. You do that on purpose a lot. You wanna not be known. I do it on purpose a lot. How well do you know me?

Very well. Some might say intimately. So keeping it as highs? Yeah. Because you don't know me that well. Gotcha. That's a shame. That works out poorly for us. I got a hot 14.

The leather worker and the woodworking guilds are not speaking to each other because of a trade dispute. God damn it. Oh, shit. Oh, can I? I know about some. Like Star Wars, this fucking story is going to fucking derail because of a trade dispute.

Is with my... Go find Anakin. Sorry? Do I know much about woodwork? Not really, no. Do I know enough to use the tools that we have in common with leatherworking and bluff? I feel like you're not ignorant of woodworking.

You know how to carve something. But I feel like you guys might be focusing on something that is irrelevant to the story. You're an elvish, I want to say, noble. You're going to be like 35, 36 years old. Yeah. From the bark of a... Let me have a bit of a... Elm.

Bark of an elm. That's an elm. 100%. Check it, Elm. Check that out. That's an elm. All you're able to tell from the carpet is that it's made of a tree called ironwood, which exists somewhere around this region, but mostly kind of up north and to the west.

But you can still find them around here. Other than that, the carving isn't amazing. It was either made in a hurry or made by someone who just didn't know too much about carving. Okay, that's definitely not guild work then. I know we've got that trade dispute but they're solid work. I'll give

them that. Is it possible to is there a call for a servant or something like that? Or call for like someone? You could probably do that, yeah. Stick your head out into the main hallway. Yeah, and just be like, I would like to speak to, can someone try and get a Skaggart here? You have to yell. Yep.

Because there's no one immediately in the area. But eventually like a maid comes over to talk to you. You ask for a Skaggart and she goes off to fetch him. Something dreadful has happened. She nods. Would you like the town guard? Not yet. That's not.

No. All right. She heads off. So. Yeah, right. She doesn't look into the room. So. I like him.

I want to bind the assassin to a chair. All right. Michael Ware helps you with that as well Richard Ware I'm changing his name Michael Ware Dick Dick Ware

Dick Ware I like that we all need to stop at the same time Fine It's Richard Ware Yes Unky Dick Ware Unky Dick Ware Unky Dick Ware I've got Dick Ware. Unky Dick Ware.

I've got to put Unky in front of his name. While we've got a second, I'd like to be like, so, this is all well and good. Trying to root out the corruption of Fairburn Point. Sweet. But. Yes. It's not really what we came here to do. I understand.

But. Yeah. Daddy tried to kill you. I know. It is fine that we don't have to do do. I understand. But... Yeah? Dad, he tried to kill you. I know. It is fine that we don't have to do this. I understand. But he did get stabbed. He attacked the knight of the realm.

Whatever. I'll sit back in my chair. Just know... Yes? That there's like a million other things we could be doing right now and we're not going to solve this problem. I know that we're not going to solve this problem.

I'll sit back in my chair. But he attacked the knight of the realm. Or be doing right now, we're not going to solve this problem. I know that we're not going to solve this problem. I sit back in my chair. But he attacked a knight of the realm. Or on the ground in pain. Hey, man, if your honor is that important, that's fine. We're going to be in the area finding a helm. We're going to be there.

You afraid of a bit of adventure? No, I just, you know, like we've got one adventure. Dick where? Why are we trying to get two in our play? Did you just call me Dick? Dick. Unky Dick.

You must have. I mean, I've heard of both you and Sir Grace's exploits when I was growing up. Was he always like this? Ah, well, you're real candid bringing this up in front of my daughter and a good friend. Just letting you know. I've seen... If you're good friends friends you're my uncle how could I say no to my favourite

niece oh man Adam I can see your face am I gonna break a good friend's heart today my eyes well but I quickly look up a good friend's heart today? My eye is well, but I quickly look up. It is fine. He's always been a bit of a stick in the mud,

but I guess maybe in recent years he's gotten a little worse. Fair enough. And you're still young. What are you, 20? Ah, 26. Yeah, well. I'm 20. Hi. Hi hi i want to give him a look back like a skarket comes through the door with flanked by city guard there's maybe

10 in total they all like start you, well they approach you with weapons drawn. As Karkid says, what's the meaning of this? He attacked me. Your servant seems to be a member of an occult who tried to kill a knight of the realm. I was pointing out that he's an occult clearly and then he attacked me with a knife. As Karkid turns his cold gaze

down upon the servant on the floor and says, is this true? The servant with his dreamy expression, says in a faraway voice, yes, I tried to kill them. Yep, there it is. He offended my god. What sinister forces lurk behind this assassin?

Find out next time on The Search for a Helm, a D&D is for nerds adventure. Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter, you'll find us at Sandspanceradio. Or you can find us individually. I'm at All Dogs Are Dead.

I'm at Retro Archetype. I'm at Goddammit Zammit. And I'm at Jackson B. Bailey. And if you want to hear our other shows, head to Sandspanceradio.com and you'll find all of our content there. Jackson B. Bailey. And if you want to hear our other shows, head to sanspenseradio.com and you'll find all of our content there. There's heaps. And if you'd like to support us, head to sanspenseplus.com. See you later, dickheads.

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